Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by Firefly- - www.addic7ed.com -

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I'm good with numbers.

Maybe I can help you...

in the church.

Bills and such.

It's 90 days.

What is?

The wait.

90?

It's 90 days...

'cause it... 'cause it's l-limited.

Pound me!

What?

The New Leaf switchback Mexico double-cross, James.

I'm picturing the ranger's face being like, "What?

I'm so confused.

I'm just gonna go back to Texas

and open up a yogurt store."

I know what you guys are doing,

and I've been looking into your parents' private accounting.

Petitioning for passport?

I am.

- Purpose? - _

Visit an old friend. From Young Offenders.

Donny... he's out.

Oh, fuck.

- Where is he? - Drawing nearer.

Out trying to find money for a gun.

Buenos días, ladies.

I told Glenn we're in a gang

to help with the getting the money thing.

Special boys.

My boy, Glenn. He's not at home.

My mom and dad said they could, uh...

bolster us through the third quarter here

Your parents accounts are Our Lady accounts.

I know it. That's...

That's why I'm here to get it...

I made the grave mistake of placing faith in him.

My son had gone with some of our funds.

What's your boy's name?

Paul Allen Brown.

Life can be brutal.

- You learn that in the rodeo barrel. - _

_

Hey, bud.

Bad place to be at the moment.

There's a bull coming.

Hear the rumbling?

There you go, bud.

You're a bright one.

You're brighter than me.

Here we go.

You know, a man can learn a lot in the barrel.

Some physics.

Basic principles of contortion.

Then there's the heavy duty truth.

Here it is.

When someone has you over a barrel...

when someone puts you up against the wall...

... you gotta bring your power down.

Down into the dilemma.

See red.

Then barrel into that motherfucker

like a bull...

... with all of it.

Bull Face...

That's the expression.

I've seen it,

of the exercise of all your power.

Bull Face... I've faced it.

And if you see someone coming at you Bull Face, man...

run.

Bull Face.

How you doing?

Fine.

Where to?

Train.

Grand Central.

Congratulations.

Concerning?

You're in the Cash Cab!

♪ Perpetual Grace, Bull Face

The deputy's asking if you're conscious enough

- for your ankle business... - Yeah, but...

_

Yeah, soon.

Hey, man.

Yeah.

There's a way.

There's a way what?

There's a way to say, "Hey, Mom and Dad,

it's back."

The money?

Yeah.

What way?

One way.

What way?

You have to lay down in my bed.

Right now.

With you?

Not with me.

If you stay over there, I'll stay over here,

but you have to decide right now, New Leaf.

I'm not Paul Brown. My name's James.

I'm trying to get this money.

There's a Texas Ranger...

I have to get to Mexico,

and he can't know where I'm going,

but they're gonna put that ankle lock back on me

in 30 seconds, and if I can't get to Mexico,

man, I can't get this money.

_

_

Abduction, aggravated assault, aiding and abetting,

attempted arson, arson, battery, bribery, burglary...

Are y... Are you doing that...

alphabetically?

Yeah, because you were, I think.

I was.

Helps me remember.

Jesus, how many times have you been arrested?

I've been here for three years,

and your parents tried to change me.

But it was just a trick.

In three years, I could've been hollering at dudes.

Fucking dudes.

Scissoring chicks.

Fucking with people.

Standing girls up.

Bringing dudes down.

You get it.

Breaking shit.

Taking shit.

Neck-punching twats.

Twat-punching cunts.

Cunt-punching dicks.

You get it.

I got a wide-open mind, and it's wide open again.

I'm...

so surprised.

Your mom's so surprised.

So, I want $65,000,

or I'm going to turn you both in.

But you got to tell me exactly what's going on here,

because you guys seem kind of dumb,

and I want to make sure you're not gonna

fuck the whole thing up and get me arrested again.

$65,000 is a lot of money.

I can suspend third- and fourth-quarter

audit requirements.

That means the money would transfer

14 days from now.

We're back to 14 days.

Fuck yeah.

I got to figure out how to get the Ranger

all the way to yogurt.

And you gotta get your Uncle Dave

to stop talking to him.

Nothing personal, ladies.

I need access to a computer to freeze funds.

There are computers at our place of business.

It's a TV game show that takes place

right here in my taxi.

Alright, here's how the game works.

I'm your host. My name is Ben Bailey.

I'm gonna drive you to your destination.

I'm gonna ask you general-knowledge questions

along the way.

I'm gonna start off easy

and get harder as we go.

As long as you continue to answer the questions correctly,

you're gonna win cash money all the way from here to there.

But here's the catch.

If you get three wrong,

that's three strikes, and you're out,

which means I'm gonna pull over and kick you out

right where we are on the spot, and you lose it all.

So, those are the rules of the game.

What do you say? Do you want to play?

How much is to gain, Ben?

Um, tops ever is 3,000 bucks.

How much does a handgun cost these days,

roughly speaking, Ben,

in the U.S.?

No idea, man.

A thousand. Two thousand.

I don't know.

Let's play, Ben.

Uncle Dave. Alright!

Come on out of that tiny booth and give me a big hug!

Uh, I'm not allowed to make contact.

Paul.

Here.

Physical contact.

"F" that "S".

Which of the following

is not a Kardashian?

Kim, Kourtney,

Khloé, or Kevin?

Whom?

The Kardashians.

Whom?

The Kardashians.

Y-You keep saying that,

but it's... it's meaningless to me.

They're on TV.

And... ?

That's all.

And what would you like me to do concerning them?

Tell me which one is not one of them.

Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, or Kevin.

I haven't got the faintest fucking idea, Ben.

Strike one.

I know about your father and mother, Paul.

Oh, come on, man!

I am so terribly sorry.

Let's go!

Hey, "F" you! I'm hugging my uncle!

This guy took me to see "Star Wars"

even though I was grounded for breaking

one of my mom's lamps and lying about it.

And this guy snuck me out and snuck me back in.

We got away with it.

And I got to see "Star Wars".

'Cause of him.

- So shut the "F" up. - Let's go! Move it!

Uncle Dave, I want to talk to you

about that Texas Ranger.

_

Boy, you ladies are popular.

You can't name a single Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson movie?

I cannot.

Remember, you can use a Shout Out.

What Out?

You can reach out to a friend or family member

or a colleague for help with the answer.

Doesn't apply.

To me. This.

Why not?

I no longer have those, Ben.

You no longer have what?

Friends, family, or colleagues.

May I ask, can we proceed to the difficult questions?

What's that?

Perhaps, of your questions,

you can ask me the most difficult now.

And we'll, say, skip the easy ones.

I don't know if we can d-do that.

Nobody ever asked me to do that before.

Why don't you do a Shout Out with your boss?

He's asking questions about a little girl.

Uncle Dave, what... he's saying that I hurt someone?

- I do magic because I hate the world - _

where people hurt people, and I want to live above it,

on a magic cloud where you saw hot women in half

but not really.

Not... really.

I hate "really".

I would never hurt anyone really...

never ever.

You know me.

You know that.

Like I know you wouldn't.

- I know you would never hurt a... - One second.

I'm a registered sex offender.

Please retrieve your change from the change bowl.

We have not touched.

Have a nice day.

Uh, hey.

Yeah, this guy wants to skip to the really hard questions.

What a moron.

Eh, why not.

Cool.

He said okay.

But one more strike and you're out.

And we're only a couple of blocks from Grand Central.

It's the $200 round.

Capital of Uruguay?

Montevideo.

Nauru?

Nauru has no capital.

What's the world's largest desert...

Antarctica.

How many provinces does Holland ha...

None.

In which battle was Mark Antony...

Actium.

- What gas... - Helium.

- Which... - Charles Dickens.

I know that you would never ever hurt anyone...

Never, ever.

That's why I always sent you letters.

And that's why I always loved you.

During your shame.

And that's why I'm here now.

My mom's gone.

But I'm here.

And I love you.

- And your love for my mom lives on... - _

and on and on, because it's family love.

It goes past forever.

Like ours.

It's five-ever.

Are you gonna stop talking to Walker Texas Ranger

about totally f'ing B.S.?

I am.

Cool.

Let's get her home, Paul.

Let's get her and Byron home, and let's treat them right.

Get... Get them home?

For the funeral.

She always wanted to be buried with her orphan hairbrush.

The first touch of love she felt with the older girls.

Are we gonna bring your mother and father's bodies

home from Mexico

so we can bury them properly, Paul,

in the manner they deserve?

We are.

I've informed a funeral home, Paul,

about your parents.

Jesus.

Hello.

Hello.

Did I startle you?

Yes.

Very sorry.

Paul, is it?

Yes.

Well, I'm here on a matter of...

Well...

a matter of life and death.

I'd like to begin your parents on their journey onward.

I'd like to help carry them over.

And I would need to begin that process soon.

My parents are dead.

I know that, Paul.

That's why I'm here.

I'm Jonathan Joy.

Griego & Joy Funeral Homes.

Please do come see me.

Let's get your parents home from Mexico.

The lawful and healthful process of retrieval.

Then let's get them on their journey Onward.

Let's.

When will you come see me, Young Paul?

Tomorrow would be...

good to begin the lawful, um...

thing, yeah.

Good.

Well...

until tomorrow.

Hey.

Yeah.

Nice.

What was?

Nice work.

In Mexico, man.

Thanks.

That was a really awesome shared experience.

Yeah.

Got lost in the desert.

Yeah. I remember that part.

I didn't put the sombrero on.

Yeah, why not?

That would've been smart.

I wanted it to be fresh.

A fresh sombrero.

Why did you want a fresh sombrero, Glenn?

To give to my dad.

For Father's Day.

Hey, I want to be quiet.

You and me, New Leaf.

About being in Mexico this week, 'cause...

Isn't your dad kinda...

not great?

Yeah, he's not great.

Town drunk, you said?

Yeah.

Well, my dad's not great either.

He went into outer space and lost his mind.

Our Pastor?

What's that?

Pastor Brown.

He went into outer space?

Yeah.

Yeah, in a special program.

An international...

With Russia.

An International Pastor Space Thing.

Cool.

_

No sign of trauma.

Nor indications of blunt force.

Nor ligature bruising.

None.

You just found him dead?

Found him cold just there.

No telling how?

No telling how.

Alright. Final question.

It's all gonna come down to this.

Who is the youngest person

ever convicted of first-degree murder?

Name and age.

We're pulling up here. Clock's ticking.

You want to use that Shout Out?

You got a real hot streak going.

It'd be a shame to strike out half a block away.

You can ask a stranger on the street.

That's not necessary.

Two young men.

Byron Brown.

Donald James DeLoash.

Aged 8.

Donald was younger.

By five months.

So Donald DeLoash.

Oh, my God.

You just won $5,000 in the Cash Cab!

You're the biggest winner we've ever had.

That's a new record! What's your name?

Donald DeLoash.

May I have my cash?

I'm due on a train west soon, Ben.

Two of the orphan boys are missing.

Byron Brown. Donald DeLoash.

And seven bed sheets missing.

Six were found strung together hanging from this floor

to the alley 'round back.

- Seven were taken? - Seven sheets.

Six found.

Six found 'round back.

It's cool you got your dad a hat, Glenn.

But he doesn't, like...

He doesn't do what most dads do.

Like what?

Like...

Like look out for the people they love.

Your dad doesn't look out for you, Glenn,

and it's not cool.

The sombrero is cool.

So maybe you should save it

and, like... give it to someone later,

you know, who really deserves a fresh sombrero.

Like who.

I don't know... just someone in your future.

Like in a jet pack?

What are you talking about?

In the futures.

Of jet packs.

The future's not...

The future's not just jet packs and robots and shit.

Then what is it?

The future is, like,

any time at all ahead of right now.

Like...

Like, in two seconds. Like, right now plus a second.

That's the future.

It doesn't have to have robots.

It does not.

Fuck.

Okay.

That's good to know.

It is good to know, Glenn.

If we weren't friends, if you hadn't told me that,

I'd be running around talking about robots and shit.

People would think I was an idiot.

Then I could never get a girlfriend or anything.

Well, maybe you can now.

There's still lots of other stuff we got to learn,

get straightened out.

Cool.

Man, thanks.

Glenn.

Don't give it to me, man.

You look out for me.

I don't want you to give up on your dad...

'cause...

Well, 'cause maybe something someday

will wake his dumb ass up.

And...

I still call my dad. Once a week.

Even though he can't hear me through his fucking huge helmet.

He... He... He wears this space helmet,

and he wanders around Austin, Texas.

Like the village idiot. In a space suit.

We're still talking about Pastor Brown?

No.

I have another dad.

He's the Village Idiot?

Yeah.

Mine's the Town Drunk.

We should introduce them to each other.

Yeah, we should.

Glenn, my name's James.

Schaeler.

I'm in the middle of an elaborate plot

that's...

fucking kind of falling apart

to take all of Pastor Brown's money,

which...

I mean, he's a really bad man, so... maybe that means something.

I don't know.

I don't even know why I'm telling you

all this right now.

I still want you to have my fresh sombrero.

Maybe even more than him.

He's right there?

Yeah.

That's him.

You haven't gone over and tell him you're okay?

To give him the fresh sombrero?

I was enjoying being with you.

New Leaf?

Right.

New Leaf?

Right.

That's a name?

That's my name.

- Are you Native American? - _

No.

I'm formerly cruel, and I turned a new leaf.

What are you now?

A little indisposed at the moment.

How did that get there?

How'd what?

The ankle bracelet?

The ankle bracelet what?

How did that fucking ankle bracelet

get on your ankle?

I don't care what your name is or what you're doing.

People fucking suck, man.

And you don't, so...

How do you know that, man?

Know what?

That people fucking suck?

I work in a pawn shop.

Glenn...

Ah, man.

Go.

Go up there and tell your dad you're okay

and give him this fucking awesome

Father's Day Fresh Sombrero,

and, man, just see the look on his face.

Alright, and, man...

feel how fucking hard he hugs you,

'cause he's not crazy like my dad.

He's just drunk.

He can stop that.

Give him a chance.

You bought it.

You kept it fresh.

Yeah.

Because you love him.

Yeah.

Give it to him.

Okay.

Please, tell him, uh, not to wear it around town,

'cause of the, you know, the Ranger and Mexico, and...

Just please tell him to hide... hide the sombrero.

Cool.

The computer you wish to use is right over here.

I'm hearing in your voice

an indication that... maybe you think I'm stupid.

Would you like, Ranger, to hear a scenario?

I would like to hear how the bracelet

got on your ankle.

Well, here's the scenario.

And at the end, you might ask yourself,

"Who's the fucking nincompoop here?"

Keeping vigil night and day. Vigil for my caring parents.

Night and day. Tired.

In their hospital. Nod off.

From the long vigil. I wake up.

I got a fucking gizmo attached to me here.

Someone latched up the wrong man, Ranger.

Nincompoop? Not me.

Not in this scenario.

A Kilroy County Deputy put that on you.

Yeah. Okay.

He thought you were Paul Allen Brown.

Well, I'm New Leaf.

We've established that,

and I've never been to Texas, Jack,

and I got a Texas gizmo on me here,

and you got no jurisdiction on my goddamn shit,

so unless you want to give me a fucking trim,

get this bitch off my ankle.

Toot Sweet.

That's French, Motherfucker, for pronto.

That's I-talian, Motherfucker, for right now.

And that's English, Jack, your native tongue.

So you get it.

So get it done.

You've never been to Texas?

Well...

Well what?

Yesterday, yeah.

And today, passing through.

Today, yeah.

On your trip to Mexico.

Yeah.

Mexico.

Yeah.

Mexico.

You keep saying that.

What were you doing in Mexico?

You seem...

I don't know... sort of local to me.

Fuck you.

Fuck me?

Local? What's that?

Is that supposed to mean I'm less than something

or something?

I was well raised.

You could etch on my tombstone, "He should have known better."

I was well raised by good, caring people.

But I'm the dog that you clean up after

and then hit with a fucking newspaper.

I'm bad news, Ranger, but I'm not stupid,

and I never broke one law in your fucking Lone Star State.

So, you get this bracelet off.

I got things I need to do.

My parents died today.

There are tasks.

There's been, here,

a peculiar concentration of activity

involving, somehow...

Mexico.

Among a peculiar number of people here.

Killer.

Me?

Yeah.

Convicted.

Yeah.

Motherfucker taunted my mother and father,

and I did the time behind the bars

and down in the barrel.

Taunted.

Yeah.

And you shot him.

Yeah.

For taunting someone.

Not someone.

My mother and father.

And since then...

Since then what?

You let anyone else have it like that?

No one's given me a reason.

What were you doing in Mexico, New Leaf?

New Leaf?

I was researching LensCrafters franchise opportunities

in the suburbs of Greater northwestern Mexico.

I'm a registered, licensed franchisee

in the LensCrafters franchise family.

I got $96,000 of my parents' life savings

laying around in the form of hard costs,

such as frames, lenses,

and eyeglass stands I'm trying to recoup on.

I attended a Mexican LensCrafters symposium yesterday

for that reason.

Here's my ticket, Wesley Walker, Texas Ranger.

And I was at a real fucking disadvantage, man,

seeking Mexican wholesale franchise discount opportunities

with this shit on my ankle.

So now, man...

get her off.

I'm not fucking around. Look at my face.

You wandered down to Mexico with your folks at death's door?

I'm useless, Ranger.

It was their life savings.

I endeavored to put it to good use

before they passed away into the it's-never-gonna-

fucking-happen-now end of it all.

I didn't wander down to Mexico.

I hurried.

For them.

Because as of 7:00 a.m. this morning,

there was still hope.

And now?

And now...

nope.

Seriously, man.

Stand the fuck up and get this off me.

I got things I need to do.

Any word?

Pirdoo.

Word on Glenn?

Word on Glenn.

Glenn's home, Ranger.

Well, that's great.

It's fucking great, yeah.

Where was your boy?

Road trip.

Roadie.

He wrote me a note.

It just washed away.

He brought me something home.

From his trip?

Yeah.

Father's Day.

Well, that's fine.

That's a fine thing.

Check it out.

Check it out, guy.

_

Yeah, I went to Mexico,

primarily because, if my parents passed away,

I wanted to immediately kill So-Called James.

But I still, of course,

frequent LensCrafters franchise message boards

in the hope of identifying opportunities to recoup

some of my parents' investment in LensCrafters and in me.

At this point, a sweet second chance

at a brick-and-mortar franchise store is

a fucking pipe dream.

Who the fuck are we kidding here,

given our fiduciary situation.

But it's imprudent to bypass opportunities

to allay our leftover hard-cost stock items

such as frames, lenses, and eyeglass stands

at franchise mixers and various franchise symposiums

where franchise owners can barter, negotiate,

or just do a fellow LensCrafters franchise owner

a fucking solid.

So, yeah, I dropped in there.

In Mexico.

While there.

Hoping...

Hoping I could sell some reserve stock

and lessen the loss of the investment

my elderly father, Kevin, and mother, Denise,

made in LensCrafters and in me.

No takers.

So, at the end of their lives,

what my parents lost by investing in me

was entire and full.

It was complete.

Now I'll just take a bath on this shit,

'cause I need some fucking money for a gun

so I can pay a fateful visit to So-Called James.

Where's young Glenn?

Young Glenn is sleeping.

In the back?

At home.

How can I help you?

I got glasses.

Cases and cases of eyewear.

Like, here.

Cases and cases.

You're gonna take a bath on these, man.

I'm not a wholesaler. I'm a Mom-and-Pop.

But my wife...

my wife left us, so I'm just a Pop.

Just a Pop store, bud, so I can't do you right, here.

This is a lot of stock.

Well, I need the money for something.

You own a pawn shop. You know the story.

What do you need? We have a lot of stock.

Maybe I can make you a deal on something.

You don't stock it.

You don't stock what I need.

Well, okay.

How many boxes of eyewear?

72.

I'll give you $2,000, all in.

That'll cover it.

Hey.

Yeah?

You got a good kid.

Your kid.

I know him a little.

I wanted you to know that.

Glenn?

Glenn's a good kid.

He is, yeah.

You sure you want to follow through on this transaction?

Yeah, I am.

Glenn works here?

Sometimes.

Most of the time.

Seems like.

So, it's a...

more of a Kid and Pop store, really.

But no one ever says that, 'cause no one really sees that

'cause kids don't really do that that... that much.

Right?

Here's your money.

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