Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:04,178
2
00:00:08,970 --> 00:00:11,387
[narrator]
And now a message from
3
00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:13,720
the President
of the United States.
4
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:17,011
My fellow Americans,
I would like to address reports
5
00:00:17,011 --> 00:00:18,553
alleging that I was friends
6
00:00:18,553 --> 00:00:22,553
with billionaire convicted
sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein
7
00:00:22,553 --> 00:00:24,804
and attended
his infamous parties.
8
00:00:24,804 --> 00:00:27,887
Sure, I told New York Magazine
in 2002
9
00:00:27,887 --> 00:00:29,804
that Epstein is a terrific guy.
10
00:00:29,804 --> 00:00:31,428
But that was before I found out
11
00:00:31,428 --> 00:00:33,303
that I said later
in the same sentence
12
00:00:33,303 --> 00:00:36,136
that he likes beautiful women
on the younger side.
13
00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:38,345
I knew I had to cut off
our relationship
14
00:00:38,345 --> 00:00:41,053
right then
and several years after there.
15
00:00:41,053 --> 00:00:43,595
Now, I've brought someone
who can confirm
16
00:00:43,595 --> 00:00:45,637
that we are very innocent.
17
00:00:45,637 --> 00:00:46,887
Hey, everybody.
18
00:00:46,887 --> 00:00:48,929
It's me,
America's cold sore.
19
00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:50,929
Every few years,
I pop up and remind you
20
00:00:50,929 --> 00:00:53,053
of your bad choices
in the nineties.
21
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,929
I have never been to
Jeffrey Epstein's home
22
00:00:56,929 --> 00:01:00,595
on 71st Street between Fifth
and Madison near Jody's Juice.
23
00:01:00,595 --> 00:01:02,428
Try the strawberry.
It's delicious.
24
00:01:02,428 --> 00:01:04,470
And why would I go
to Epstein's home?
25
00:01:04,470 --> 00:01:07,011
I don't want to be reminded
of the things I've seen there.
26
00:01:07,011 --> 00:01:09,929
Let's talk about
the so-called "Epstein Jet"
27
00:01:09,929 --> 00:01:12,095
on which Jeffy-Boy
and his friends,
28
00:01:12,095 --> 00:01:14,136
who know him as Jeffy-Boy...
Jeffy-Boy!
29
00:01:14,136 --> 00:01:16,887
...allegedly committed
vile acts.
30
00:01:16,887 --> 00:01:19,512
Sure, witnesses allege
we were passengers,
31
00:01:19,512 --> 00:01:21,136
but so was Kevin Spacey.
32
00:01:21,136 --> 00:01:23,178
I don't think
this Boy Scout
33
00:01:23,178 --> 00:01:25,220
would let anything untoward
happen up there.
34
00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:27,762
The only reason
I was on that jet
35
00:01:27,762 --> 00:01:29,345
26 -- I mean, 4 times --
36
00:01:29,345 --> 00:01:32,637
was it was the best deal
on Kayak.com
37
00:01:32,637 --> 00:01:36,345
And I promise I didn't smoke
a cigarette in the bathroom.
38
00:01:36,345 --> 00:01:38,512
Which is the only law
in the sky,
39
00:01:38,512 --> 00:01:40,553
according to our attorney
Alan Dershowitz.
40
00:01:40,553 --> 00:01:41,762
Dershy-Boy!
41
00:01:41,762 --> 00:01:44,220
He litigates like
his freedom depends on it.
42
00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:45,637
[President Trump]
And it does.
43
00:01:45,637 --> 00:01:48,595
You know, Bill and I
may disagree on healthcare
44
00:01:48,595 --> 00:01:50,345
and criminal justice...
Barely.
45
00:01:50,345 --> 00:01:52,595
...but we are
unified against
46
00:01:52,595 --> 00:01:54,970
these all-but-undeniable
accusations.
47
00:01:54,970 --> 00:01:57,845
In the end, aren't we all
just Americans
48
00:01:57,845 --> 00:02:00,845
accused of the most ghastly
crime imaginable?
49
00:02:00,845 --> 00:02:02,929
And on an unrelated note,
I am naming
50
00:02:02,929 --> 00:02:05,470
a new Deputy Attorney General --
Jeffrey Epstein.
51
00:02:05,470 --> 00:02:06,804
I'm also pardoning him
52
00:02:06,804 --> 00:02:08,637
and having his mouth
filled with cement.
53
00:02:08,637 --> 00:02:10,261
Don't you crack,
Jeffy-Boy!
54
00:02:10,261 --> 00:02:14,303
We're sending a rope and potato
chips down that well! I promise!
55
00:02:14,303 --> 00:02:17,303
-Bill, you're my best friend!
-And you're mine!
56
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,679
We're gonna get through this
together, little brother!
57
00:02:19,679 --> 00:02:23,261
I can't believe we almost let
Hillary tear us apart!
58
00:02:23,261 --> 00:02:24,553
[narrator]
This has been a message from
59
00:02:24,553 --> 00:02:27,011
two Presidents
of the United States.
60
00:02:27,011 --> 00:02:29,011
[Biden]
It's Joe's turn!
61
00:02:29,011 --> 00:02:32,345
[President Trump] There's
not room for us both!
62
00:02:32,345 --> 00:02:37,178
63
00:02:37,178 --> 00:02:39,261
Fifty years ago today,
64
00:02:39,261 --> 00:02:42,470
Buzz Aldrin
and a wise-ass talking monkey
65
00:02:42,470 --> 00:02:46,178
threw on some scuba gear,
boarded Apollo Creed,
66
00:02:46,178 --> 00:02:50,345
and shot up to the largest
of all our planets -- the Moon.
67
00:02:50,345 --> 00:02:52,345
Buzz took some funny pictures,
68
00:02:52,345 --> 00:02:54,845
and NASA left the monkey to die.
69
00:02:54,845 --> 00:02:57,011
The end.
[applause]
70
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,804
Wait! Wait! Wait! Shut up!
[applause stops]
71
00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:02,136
Sir, is everything --
Shhh!
72
00:03:02,136 --> 00:03:03,845
It's just --
Shhhhhhhh!
73
00:03:04,553 --> 00:03:06,637
Holy shit!
I forgot about...
74
00:03:06,637 --> 00:03:09,637
Spppppaaaace Foooorrrrccce!
75
00:03:09,637 --> 00:03:12,887
Space Force! Space Force!
Space Force! Space Force!
76
00:03:12,887 --> 00:03:16,929
We gotta do Space Force!
What happened to Space Force?!
77
00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:19,970
You sort of went on an
obstruction-of-justice bender,
78
00:03:19,970 --> 00:03:21,428
so we kicked it
down the road.
79
00:03:21,428 --> 00:03:23,845
Mike, you garage-door
motor-brained moron!
80
00:03:23,845 --> 00:03:27,220
We could be blowing up stuff in
space right now, and instead...
81
00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:29,679
[faintly] I'm commemorating
this Kirk Douglas-looking-ass
82
00:03:29,679 --> 00:03:30,887
space clown!
83
00:03:30,887 --> 00:03:32,970
Give me four hours,
and I'll have an update.
84
00:03:32,970 --> 00:03:34,804
Cool. Yeah.
Take your time.
85
00:03:34,804 --> 00:03:36,679
It's not like I'm your boss
or anything.
86
00:03:36,679 --> 00:03:38,512
[President Trump]
I'm so excited!
87
00:03:38,512 --> 00:03:41,345
Are you excited? I'm excited!
Don't start. I gotta pee.
88
00:03:41,345 --> 00:03:42,970
[dance music plays]
It's starting! Forget it!
89
00:03:42,970 --> 00:03:44,804
I'll pee at halftime.
90
00:03:44,804 --> 00:03:47,470
Here is your update on
Space Force, an institution
91
00:03:47,470 --> 00:03:49,970
I fundamentally disagree with
as a science skeptic,
92
00:03:49,970 --> 00:03:52,303
but no one listened when
I explained that 17 times,
93
00:03:52,303 --> 00:03:53,512
so here we go.
94
00:03:53,512 --> 00:03:55,595
Whoo-hoo!
Space Force!
95
00:03:55,595 --> 00:03:59,136
Oh, man, I got to pee so bad.
I'm gonna pee in a cup!
96
00:03:59,136 --> 00:04:00,679
[Pence]
Next slide, please.
97
00:04:00,679 --> 00:04:03,261
The Defense Department's
legislative proposal outlines
98
00:04:03,261 --> 00:04:04,762
a five-year rollout...
Ah, geez.
99
00:04:04,762 --> 00:04:06,929
...beginning the start
of fiscal year 2020.
100
00:04:06,929 --> 00:04:08,095
The budget request is...
101
00:04:08,095 --> 00:04:10,261
Ugh.
...$72.4 million --
102
00:04:10,261 --> 00:04:12,804
0.07% of the annual...
103
00:04:12,804 --> 00:04:14,178
Ueeeghhh!
...D.O.D. budget.
104
00:04:14,178 --> 00:04:16,220
Mikey, I asked
for Star Wars,
105
00:04:16,220 --> 00:04:18,595
and you brought me
Star Wars: The Book!
106
00:04:18,595 --> 00:04:20,845
I've read some Star Wars books.
They're actually pretty good.
107
00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:22,970
Pompeo, you're
so far out of your lane
108
00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:24,804
that you've slammed
into a Roy Rogers.
109
00:04:24,804 --> 00:04:26,679
Here are the questions
I want answered.
110
00:04:26,679 --> 00:04:28,470
Will the rockets
have thick, red lasers?
111
00:04:28,470 --> 00:04:31,595
Will the astronauts be 500-pound
nutjobs with buzz cuts?
112
00:04:31,595 --> 00:04:33,970
Can we all get sweatshirts
that say "Space Force"?
113
00:04:33,970 --> 00:04:35,428
First, we need to lay
114
00:04:35,428 --> 00:04:37,553
the legislative and
budgetary groundwork.
115
00:04:37,553 --> 00:04:39,762
I'm so mad at you
right now!
116
00:04:39,762 --> 00:04:41,970
Everyone, make sure
Pence drinks this cup!
117
00:04:41,970 --> 00:04:45,220
"Groundwork."
What an asshole!
118
00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:46,470
[announcer]
Thank you all for attending
119
00:04:46,470 --> 00:04:50,470
the 2019 Iowa Democratic Party
Hall of Fame Dinner.
120
00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:52,970
See you at the Iowa Caucuses!
121
00:04:52,970 --> 00:04:55,178
What's the first thing you're
gonna do when you're president?
122
00:04:55,178 --> 00:04:57,470
I'm gonna give a speech
so lacking in substance
123
00:04:57,470 --> 00:05:00,136
that time freezes and I can
check out everyone's underpants.
124
00:05:00,136 --> 00:05:02,428
I'm gonna take off
these wool socks.
125
00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:05,011
Both my feet look like
the potato nobody buys
126
00:05:05,011 --> 00:05:07,512
because it's started to
sprout its own side potato.
127
00:05:07,512 --> 00:05:09,345
I'm gonna call
Al Franken and say,
128
00:05:09,345 --> 00:05:11,345
"Can you believe you're there
and I'm here?"
129
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,762
[Warren]
You all think I'm gonna do
130
00:05:12,762 --> 00:05:16,387
some Native American
celebratory dance, but I won't.
131
00:05:16,387 --> 00:05:19,428
My tribe values quiet reflection
over revelry.
132
00:05:19,428 --> 00:05:21,512
I'm gonna kick back
and teach myself Welsh.
133
00:05:21,512 --> 00:05:25,595
I'm gonna bring in a pig,
tell my staff it's the mascot,
134
00:05:25,595 --> 00:05:26,887
let them pet it...
135
00:05:26,887 --> 00:05:29,345
then jam an iron rod through
its frickin' forehead!
136
00:05:29,345 --> 00:05:30,512
-Holy crap!
-Jesus, Amy!
137
00:05:30,512 --> 00:05:32,011
[Biden]
What is wrong with you?
138
00:05:32,011 --> 00:05:34,178
Ohh, so when a man
139
00:05:34,178 --> 00:05:36,136
slaughters a pig
in front of his staff...
140
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,095
-No!
-That's your defense?!
141
00:05:38,095 --> 00:05:40,470
-What about you, Cory?
-Oh, thank you for asking.
142
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,178
-I'm gonna --
-I'm just messin' with you.
143
00:05:42,178 --> 00:05:43,970
You're not
gonna be president!
144
00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:46,595
[laughter]
It's not funny!
145
00:05:46,595 --> 00:05:50,011
Good news is, one of us
will absolutely beat Trump,
146
00:05:50,011 --> 00:05:51,762
and nothing
will change that.
147
00:05:51,762 --> 00:05:53,762
[Cooper] Good news for
the White House tonight.
148
00:05:53,762 --> 00:05:56,428
President Trump's approval
rating is holding steady,
149
00:05:56,428 --> 00:05:58,387
and in key states,
he's running even
150
00:05:58,387 --> 00:06:00,595
with many
in the Democratic field.
151
00:06:00,595 --> 00:06:02,637
152
00:06:02,637 --> 00:06:05,387
Daddy! I heard you made
Mike Pence drink pee!
153
00:06:05,387 --> 00:06:07,261
Did he try to wash
your feet again?
154
00:06:07,261 --> 00:06:09,553
Mike hasn't done a minute
of work on Space Force.
155
00:06:09,553 --> 00:06:12,178
This isn't like figuring out
which candy to keep
156
00:06:12,178 --> 00:06:13,637
in a steakhouse
men's room
157
00:06:13,637 --> 00:06:15,970
where you really got to
hunker down on the details.
158
00:06:15,970 --> 00:06:17,345
It's a space mission.
159
00:06:17,345 --> 00:06:21,053
I'll talk to him. Which Equinox
does he belong to again?
160
00:06:21,053 --> 00:06:22,178
Forget it. It's just...
161
00:06:22,178 --> 00:06:24,220
every time I try to do
something cool --
162
00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:26,136
like the wall
or Muslim Ban --
163
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:28,553
some nerd has to come along
and talk my ear off
164
00:06:28,553 --> 00:06:31,303
about whether it's actually
possible, as if I care.
165
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,762
Ugh! Samesies.
166
00:06:32,762 --> 00:06:35,136
I tried to turn Jared
into Channing Tatum
167
00:06:35,136 --> 00:06:36,804
by taping
human muscles to him,
168
00:06:36,804 --> 00:06:39,387
and some scientist was like,
"That won't work."
169
00:06:39,387 --> 00:06:41,804
[Biden] Thanks for meeting
with us on short notice.
170
00:06:41,804 --> 00:06:43,512
We know you've got
a lot of shade
171
00:06:43,512 --> 00:06:45,053
and clapback
on your schedule.
172
00:06:45,053 --> 00:06:46,970
Everyone in my bubble
says Trump is doomed,
173
00:06:46,970 --> 00:06:48,470
but his poll numbers
are steady.
174
00:06:48,470 --> 00:06:50,970
What did you learn from your
loss that can help us beat him?
175
00:06:50,970 --> 00:06:52,428
I didn't lose.
176
00:06:52,428 --> 00:06:55,345
I won the popular vote
and the presidency.
177
00:06:55,345 --> 00:06:57,261
-Uhh...
-Uh, I-I -- Uh...
178
00:06:57,261 --> 00:06:58,762
The 2020 campaign
179
00:06:58,762 --> 00:07:01,428
brought back some bad memories
that she's coped with
180
00:07:01,428 --> 00:07:03,428
by breaking off
into her own reality.
181
00:07:03,428 --> 00:07:05,178
One time,
I tried to wake her up,
182
00:07:05,178 --> 00:07:06,804
and she bit me
in the Adam's apple!
183
00:07:06,804 --> 00:07:07,887
I gotta kick you out.
184
00:07:07,887 --> 00:07:10,553
The "cabinet meeting"
is starting soon,
185
00:07:10,553 --> 00:07:13,136
and I gotta put suits and ties
on the cats.
186
00:07:13,136 --> 00:07:16,303
[Hillary] Bill, please remind
the Secretary of Education
187
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,136
to stop licking
his asshole.
188
00:07:18,136 --> 00:07:20,595
This is some burden,
but I figure it's God
189
00:07:20,595 --> 00:07:24,387
punishing me for all the things
I did and continue to do.
190
00:07:24,387 --> 00:07:25,845
Secretary Fuzzy Wuzzy,
191
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:29,762
I want boots on the ground
in Turkmenistan yesterday!
192
00:07:29,762 --> 00:07:31,595
193
00:07:31,595 --> 00:07:34,679
[lasers zapping,
heroic music playing]
194
00:07:34,679 --> 00:07:36,970
195
00:07:36,970 --> 00:07:38,637
[announcer] You're watching
"Space Fighters:
196
00:07:38,637 --> 00:07:40,136
Thick Laser Edition."
197
00:07:40,136 --> 00:07:42,428
Hey, Mister
P-r-r-resident!
198
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,011
I heard from someone
who has friends
199
00:07:45,011 --> 00:07:46,929
that you're giving up
on Space Force.
200
00:07:46,929 --> 00:07:49,470
Space Force is gonna be
our most awesome
201
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:52,804
quagmire-generating
military branch yet!
202
00:07:52,804 --> 00:07:54,553
And we are not
just saying that
203
00:07:54,553 --> 00:07:56,512
because the defense
aeronautics industry
204
00:07:56,512 --> 00:07:59,053
digs us another
subterranean wine cave
205
00:07:59,053 --> 00:08:01,136
every time we utter
the word "rocket."
206
00:08:01,136 --> 00:08:02,679
Rocket, rocket, rocket!
207
00:08:02,679 --> 00:08:05,387
You really think Space Force
is worth more of my time
208
00:08:05,387 --> 00:08:07,887
than tricking Pompeo
into eating a caterpillar?
209
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:10,553
Being the president
who launched Space Force
210
00:08:10,553 --> 00:08:12,512
would be pretty cool...
211
00:08:12,512 --> 00:08:14,595
[twinkling,
'80s pump-up song plays]
212
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,428
Hey, aren't you the president
who started a military branch
213
00:08:17,428 --> 00:08:19,136
that's in friggin' space?
214
00:08:19,136 --> 00:08:20,553
-Guilty!
-Holy shit.
215
00:08:20,553 --> 00:08:23,261
The pizza's on me, sir.
216
00:08:23,261 --> 00:08:25,220
Hey, want to see what
the pepperonis look like
217
00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:26,512
before we chop 'em up?
218
00:08:26,512 --> 00:08:28,762
Goddamn right I do!
219
00:08:28,762 --> 00:08:29,845
[twinkling]
220
00:08:29,845 --> 00:08:31,762
Gentlemen...
I'll reconsider.
221
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:34,512
Hoo-hoo-hoo! That's the spirit!
Can I do a mission?
222
00:08:34,512 --> 00:08:37,261
I can't wait to find out
what zero gravity does
223
00:08:37,261 --> 00:08:38,428
to my jowl meat!
224
00:08:38,428 --> 00:08:42,178
Blblblblblblb-oglglgl!
Blblblblblblb!
225
00:08:42,178 --> 00:08:44,887
Ted Cr-u-u-u-u-uz!
226
00:08:44,887 --> 00:08:47,887
Last night, I had a dream
that I won the nomination
227
00:08:47,887 --> 00:08:50,136
then lost all 50 states
to Trump.
228
00:08:50,136 --> 00:08:52,470
I couldn't get one
senator's wife to hug me!
229
00:08:52,470 --> 00:08:55,136
I had the same dream.
Except for the last part.
230
00:08:55,136 --> 00:08:56,553
Me too.
Yeah, except for
that last part.
231
00:08:56,553 --> 00:08:58,470
Yeah, no, definitely
not that last part.
232
00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:00,845
Fuck it. I'm not letting
that nightmare come true.
233
00:09:00,845 --> 00:09:04,637
I'm throwing the race.
The presidency can eat my ass.
234
00:09:04,637 --> 00:09:07,553
-You're dropping out?
-No, you deaf shower fungus.
235
00:09:07,553 --> 00:09:10,220
I'm sittin' on
millions in donor cash.
236
00:09:10,220 --> 00:09:12,470
I'm gonna Brewster's Millions
this shit
237
00:09:12,470 --> 00:09:14,637
until there's not
a nickel left.
238
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,637
It's not a bad idea.
I'm throwing my race, too.
239
00:09:17,637 --> 00:09:18,720
-Me too.
-Me too.
240
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,428
-Is anyone gonna try to win?
-No.
241
00:09:20,428 --> 00:09:21,762
-No.
-I don't know how to lose.
242
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:23,261
Just keep doing
what you're doing.
243
00:09:23,261 --> 00:09:24,470
The question is now --
244
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:26,553
who's gonna be the best
worst candidate?
245
00:09:26,553 --> 00:09:28,261
246
00:09:28,261 --> 00:09:32,428
Look at space.
So peaceful. So boring.
247
00:09:32,428 --> 00:09:34,512
Leave it to Pence
to make deploying
248
00:09:34,512 --> 00:09:36,428
a sophisticated
military apparatus
249
00:09:36,428 --> 00:09:38,595
in zero gravity
sound complicated.
250
00:09:38,595 --> 00:09:41,261
For some people,
it is complicated,
251
00:09:41,261 --> 00:09:43,053
but you don't have to
worry about that.
252
00:09:43,053 --> 00:09:45,011
You're the guy who walks
into that boardroom,
253
00:09:45,011 --> 00:09:46,428
says whatever
the hell you want,
254
00:09:46,428 --> 00:09:49,553
and leaves the minimum-wage
doctor nerds to figure it out.
255
00:09:49,553 --> 00:09:52,595
You've thoughtlessly
blurted out amazing ideas --
256
00:09:52,595 --> 00:09:55,136
Trump Computer,
Trump Milk,
257
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,220
Trump Four-Legged
Pleasure Doll.
258
00:09:57,220 --> 00:09:58,470
Those didn't work, Eric,
259
00:09:58,470 --> 00:10:00,470
and the milk was
sharp to the touch.
260
00:10:00,470 --> 00:10:02,720
But this time
is gonna be different.
261
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,845
Oh, really?
How could you think that?
262
00:10:04,845 --> 00:10:09,011
Because I'm not thinking, Dad,
and you shouldn't, either.
263
00:10:09,011 --> 00:10:12,512
264
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:14,845
My fellow Americans, we choose
265
00:10:14,845 --> 00:10:18,095
to launch Space Force
before the week is out,
266
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:21,095
not because it's easy --
which it is, Mike --
267
00:10:21,095 --> 00:10:23,804
not because
aeronautic defense contractors
268
00:10:23,804 --> 00:10:27,095
overpay their
Mar-a-Lago dues 400%,
269
00:10:27,095 --> 00:10:30,303
but because it's cool as hell!
270
00:10:30,303 --> 00:10:33,428
Because that goal will allow us
to make sweet sweatshirts.
271
00:10:33,428 --> 00:10:36,011
Because that challenge
is one that will produce,
272
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:40,178
if we're lucky, a big-ass
explosion in zero gravity.
273
00:10:40,178 --> 00:10:41,887
In conclusion...
274
00:10:41,887 --> 00:10:44,220
Spaaace Foooorce!
275
00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:46,345
[applause]
276
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:48,095
As we all know,
277
00:10:48,095 --> 00:10:50,929
Pence's Space Force book report
was a snoozer,
278
00:10:50,929 --> 00:10:53,470
so I made a version
that covers the nitty-gritty
279
00:10:53,470 --> 00:10:54,845
but is still enjoyable.
280
00:10:54,845 --> 00:10:56,053
Lights...
281
00:10:56,053 --> 00:10:57,512
['80s hair-band rock plays]
282
00:10:57,512 --> 00:10:59,220
Huah! Huah!
283
00:10:59,220 --> 00:11:02,553
Space! Force!
284
00:11:02,553 --> 00:11:06,136
Space Force, yeah!
285
00:11:06,136 --> 00:11:08,804
286
00:11:08,804 --> 00:11:12,679
Space Force, yeah!
287
00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:17,637
288
00:11:17,637 --> 00:11:19,178
So, just do that.
289
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,220
I assume there aren't
any questions.
290
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,720
Uhp, I see a few hands.
Bathroom's down the hall.
291
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,470
What were we supposed
to gain from that?
292
00:11:25,470 --> 00:11:27,470
Space Force is awesome.
Next question.
293
00:11:27,470 --> 00:11:30,178
Why did the rocket
explode at the end?
294
00:11:30,178 --> 00:11:31,929
Because it's awesome.
Next question.
295
00:11:31,929 --> 00:11:33,387
Do we have
the budget for this?
296
00:11:33,387 --> 00:11:35,887
Do you have the budget
for your shitty face?!
297
00:11:35,887 --> 00:11:37,637
Are there any
cool questions?
298
00:11:37,637 --> 00:11:39,845
Unlike your casinos,
if this fails,
299
00:11:39,845 --> 00:11:43,428
you can't convert space into
an unlicensed pigeon sanctuary.
300
00:11:43,428 --> 00:11:46,720
We need a backup plan.
Or at least a plan.
301
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,387
I'm gonna show you turds
how wrong you are.
302
00:11:49,387 --> 00:11:51,762
The following words
are now forbidden --
303
00:11:51,762 --> 00:11:53,679
"plan," "details,"
and "fully functional."
304
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,887
Got it?
305
00:11:55,887 --> 00:11:57,261
I'm Rachel Maddow,
306
00:11:57,261 --> 00:12:00,053
and my lunch order mentions
the Teapot Dome scandal.
307
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,679
A strange day on the Democratic
presidential campaign trail.
308
00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:04,428
It appears as though
the candidates
309
00:12:04,428 --> 00:12:06,720
are tanking their campaigns
so none have to face
310
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,679
Donald Trump
in the general election.
311
00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:10,095
Here are the highlights.
312
00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:13,261
If I could, I'd do the whole
Anita Hill thing over again
313
00:12:13,261 --> 00:12:14,720
the exact same way!
314
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,261
I want you all to meet
my mascot, Mr. Oinky!
315
00:12:18,261 --> 00:12:20,095
As an African-American woman,
I...
316
00:12:20,095 --> 00:12:23,011
You know who gets a bad rap?
Stalin!
317
00:12:23,011 --> 00:12:26,595
I'm gonna turn meter maids into
mindless killing machines! Yes!
318
00:12:26,595 --> 00:12:29,887
If elected president, I will get
blackout at my inauguration,
319
00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:32,845
hop in my minivan, and sideswipe
the Washington Monument!
320
00:12:32,845 --> 00:12:34,428
My pick for vice president
321
00:12:34,428 --> 00:12:36,512
is the next
chipped-tooth motherfucker
322
00:12:36,512 --> 00:12:38,095
I run into on the street.
323
00:12:38,095 --> 00:12:41,553
Sir, you're about to be
very happy,
324
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:43,887
because we're here to look
at the first prototypes
325
00:12:43,887 --> 00:12:46,095
for space-based weaponry!
326
00:12:46,095 --> 00:12:47,970
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
327
00:12:47,970 --> 00:12:50,178
Is someone filming this?!
328
00:12:50,178 --> 00:12:53,470
Very funny, Bolton.
Now show me the real spaceship
329
00:12:53,470 --> 00:12:55,553
with plasma railguns,
command bridge,
330
00:12:55,553 --> 00:12:57,762
and bumper sticker that says
"My other ride is your wife."
331
00:12:57,762 --> 00:12:59,220
These are the weapons.
332
00:12:59,220 --> 00:13:00,553
That part there emits
333
00:13:00,553 --> 00:13:03,804
high-powered microwaves
and radio-frequency jammers.
334
00:13:03,804 --> 00:13:05,804
They're small due to
the payload capacities --
335
00:13:05,804 --> 00:13:07,804
Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah,
blah-blah, blah-blah!
336
00:13:07,804 --> 00:13:11,470
You all are really testing
my faith in humanity's ability
337
00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:13,387
to slaughter each other
in space.
338
00:13:13,387 --> 00:13:16,553
[announcer] Welcome to another
2020 presidential debate
339
00:13:16,553 --> 00:13:19,136
featuring the candidates
from the Democratic Party.
340
00:13:19,136 --> 00:13:21,512
I'm Anderson Cooper,
and, no, I'm not.
341
00:13:21,512 --> 00:13:23,929
The candidates are
coming off a rough week
342
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,220
but can hopefully
redeem themselves tonight.
343
00:13:26,220 --> 00:13:28,011
Mr. Vice President,
why should you be
344
00:13:28,011 --> 00:13:30,178
President of the United States?
345
00:13:30,178 --> 00:13:32,512
Tonight ain't about why
you should vote for me --
346
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:35,720
a man who Obama chained
to a radiator for eight years --
347
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,053
but why you should vote
for someone else.
348
00:13:38,053 --> 00:13:40,720
I don't know, let's say,
overdue Medal of Honor recipient
349
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:41,845
Pete Buttigieg!
350
00:13:41,845 --> 00:13:44,011
No, no, no.
Don't vote for me.
351
00:13:44,011 --> 00:13:46,428
I'm just trying to get a job
outside the Midwest.
352
00:13:46,428 --> 00:13:47,637
This place sucks.
353
00:13:47,637 --> 00:13:49,220
Vote for a true patriot --
354
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:51,887
my dear friend
Amy Klobuchar!
355
00:13:51,887 --> 00:13:54,595
Fuck you!
Don't vote for me.
356
00:13:54,595 --> 00:13:58,637
I have a power drill under my
desk in case an intern sneezes!
357
00:13:58,637 --> 00:14:00,845
Elizabeth Warren,
on the other hand,
358
00:14:00,845 --> 00:14:03,136
is a goddamn saint.
359
00:14:03,136 --> 00:14:04,762
[Warren, demonic voice]
Lizzy's not here right now!
360
00:14:04,762 --> 00:14:08,053
I'm the Dark Proggo,
fire prince of the night,
361
00:14:08,053 --> 00:14:09,345
swallower of souls,
362
00:14:09,345 --> 00:14:12,720
and the last thing children see
before they die!
363
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,679
Actually, I would make
an excellent president,
364
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,220
and here's why --
[audience booing]
365
00:14:16,220 --> 00:14:18,387
[woman] Shut up!
You're the worst!
366
00:14:18,387 --> 00:14:19,887
367
00:14:19,887 --> 00:14:21,053
[monitor beeping]
368
00:14:21,053 --> 00:14:23,053
What are we
watching here?
369
00:14:23,053 --> 00:14:25,845
-Doctors performing surgery?
-Wrong.
370
00:14:25,845 --> 00:14:28,595
We're watching doctors
not thinking.
371
00:14:28,595 --> 00:14:30,804
Thinking gets in the way
of your body doing
372
00:14:30,804 --> 00:14:33,553
what it innately
knows how to do.
373
00:14:33,553 --> 00:14:37,220
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're
thinking while doing surgery.
374
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,553
Maybe a better metaphor
would be, uh, figure skating?
375
00:14:39,553 --> 00:14:41,261
Figure skaters
have to think
376
00:14:41,261 --> 00:14:42,929
about every muscle
in their body.
377
00:14:42,929 --> 00:14:45,303
Space Force is like surgery --
simple.
378
00:14:45,303 --> 00:14:48,095
We just jam a busty,
scorpion-shaped space shuttle
379
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,970
into a cannon
and light the wick.
380
00:14:49,970 --> 00:14:52,679
Can it be a regular shuttle
with a curvaceous scorpion
381
00:14:52,679 --> 00:14:54,553
painted on the side?
Ugh!
382
00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:58,220
You're making the biggest
mistake of your life, but fine.
383
00:14:58,220 --> 00:15:01,679
384
00:15:01,679 --> 00:15:03,720
Space Force in five...
385
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:08,220
[all] Four, three, two, one!
386
00:15:08,220 --> 00:15:10,428
-Whoo-hoo!
-Whoo-hoo!
387
00:15:10,428 --> 00:15:11,637
Here it goes!
388
00:15:11,637 --> 00:15:12,804
Why isn't it launching?!
389
00:15:12,804 --> 00:15:14,762
Because you just
started counting down
390
00:15:14,762 --> 00:15:17,345
irregardless
of the launch time.
391
00:15:17,345 --> 00:15:20,929
[Pompeo] And that's when I knew
I would never be able
392
00:15:20,929 --> 00:15:23,970
to buy off-the-rack
socks again.
393
00:15:23,970 --> 00:15:25,261
[rockets firing]
394
00:15:25,261 --> 00:15:28,261
Spppaaaace Foooorrrce!
395
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,679
[all cheering]
396
00:15:31,178 --> 00:15:33,595
Don't explode, don't explode,
don't explode, don't explode.
397
00:15:33,595 --> 00:15:35,095
It didn't explode!
398
00:15:35,095 --> 00:15:37,345
[all cheering]
Ha-ha!
399
00:15:37,345 --> 00:15:41,136
Mission control assures me
the rocket is dressed as a nun
400
00:15:41,136 --> 00:15:43,845
so no one suspects
it's about to kill someone.
401
00:15:43,845 --> 00:15:45,553
But this isn't just a victory
402
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:48,387
for the good people
at Lockheed Martin, Boeing,
403
00:15:48,387 --> 00:15:51,595
and the now-rejuvenated
skull-shaped island market.
404
00:15:51,595 --> 00:15:54,095
It's a victory
for thoughtlessness.
405
00:15:54,095 --> 00:15:57,303
Like the Iraq War
or Obamacare website,
406
00:15:57,303 --> 00:15:58,804
from this moment forward,
407
00:15:58,804 --> 00:16:01,679
we will not
think things through!
408
00:16:01,679 --> 00:16:05,220
Mr. President, weren't both
of those massive failures?
409
00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:07,804
Iraq? No, that was pr--
No, that was pretty bad.
410
00:16:07,804 --> 00:16:09,512
That website, though -- N--
411
00:16:09,512 --> 00:16:11,428
No, that --
That was bad, also.
412
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:14,178
Uh, oh, uh, uh --
Can you excuse me?
413
00:16:14,178 --> 00:16:16,303
Shit-shit-shit-shit,
shit-shit-shit-shit-shit...
414
00:16:16,303 --> 00:16:19,512
[Cooper] A new poll
shows the floundering
415
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,387
Democratic
presidential candidates
416
00:16:21,387 --> 00:16:23,845
all with 0% support.
417
00:16:23,845 --> 00:16:24,845
-Hey, hey!
-We did it!
418
00:16:24,845 --> 00:16:26,220
Congratulations, kids.
419
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:29,136
I wouldn't wish Hillary's fate
upon anyone.
420
00:16:29,136 --> 00:16:32,053
If you want to be
Secretary of Transportation,
421
00:16:32,053 --> 00:16:34,512
you need to let Mommy
give you a bath.
422
00:16:34,512 --> 00:16:36,011
On the Republican side,
423
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:38,720
concern that President Trump
is leading the United States
424
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,303
into a military quagmire
in space
425
00:16:41,303 --> 00:16:43,595
has caused his poll numbers
to slump.
426
00:16:43,595 --> 00:16:45,679
Hey, guys...
427
00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:48,011
what if Donald Trump
becomes vulnerable again?
428
00:16:48,011 --> 00:16:49,553
I told a bunch
of schoolchildren
429
00:16:49,553 --> 00:16:51,929
I was gonna cut off their
faces with a meat slicer.
430
00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:54,762
If Trump's unpopular
and we're unpopular,
431
00:16:54,762 --> 00:16:56,387
who is America
gonna vote for?
432
00:16:56,387 --> 00:16:58,762
Widespread opposition of
the major-party candidates
433
00:16:58,762 --> 00:17:01,970
has reactivated the campaign
of Starbucks CEO
434
00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:04,345
and nihilist sociopath
Howard Schultz.
435
00:17:04,345 --> 00:17:06,095
-Aaaaah!
-Nooooo!
436
00:17:06,095 --> 00:17:09,261
[President Trump] I don't
want to know. Is it bad?
437
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:12,387
It's fine, as long
as the Chinese, Iranians,
438
00:17:12,387 --> 00:17:14,095
and North Koreans
play nice.
439
00:17:14,095 --> 00:17:15,970
[beeping]
440
00:17:15,970 --> 00:17:17,929
[Cruz]
Boom! Ha-ha!
441
00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:20,136
Felt that one
in my tailbone!
442
00:17:20,136 --> 00:17:22,053
Looks like you're
gonna need to send up
443
00:17:22,053 --> 00:17:23,720
some more weapons, Don!
444
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,136
You guys look great!
445
00:17:25,136 --> 00:17:26,595
Where did you get
all that stuff?
446
00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:29,387
Our friends Lockheed and Martin
took us shopping!
447
00:17:29,387 --> 00:17:30,553
Unrelated to this.
448
00:17:30,553 --> 00:17:32,553
No further questions,
Your Honor.
449
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:35,679
How quickly can we blast nine
more billion-dollar rockets
450
00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:37,261
into that powder keg
in the sky?
451
00:17:39,512 --> 00:17:42,178
The president just launched
more rockets into space --
452
00:17:42,178 --> 00:17:44,095
an escalation that,
history shows us,
453
00:17:44,095 --> 00:17:46,136
leads to an everlasting peace.
454
00:17:46,136 --> 00:17:48,428
Just kidding. It caused
a five-nation space war.
455
00:17:48,428 --> 00:17:51,095
Meanwhile, scientists warn
that space debris
456
00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:52,345
is falling at deadly speeds,
457
00:17:52,345 --> 00:17:54,762
just like the President's
poll numbers.
458
00:17:54,762 --> 00:17:57,929
Great. We just turned this
into a three-way race.
459
00:17:57,929 --> 00:18:00,929
I haven't felt this lousy
since Patty Murray pantsed me
460
00:18:00,929 --> 00:18:02,804
on my first day
in the Senate.
461
00:18:02,804 --> 00:18:05,053
Throwing this race
was a great idea, Amy.
462
00:18:05,053 --> 00:18:07,095
-I don't like that mouth at all!
-Whoa!
463
00:18:07,095 --> 00:18:08,595
-Hey, calm down!
-De-escalate!
464
00:18:08,595 --> 00:18:10,345
[knocking on door]
465
00:18:10,345 --> 00:18:13,261
Are you...
expecting someone?
466
00:18:13,261 --> 00:18:14,637
[Clintons] No.
467
00:18:14,637 --> 00:18:16,720
[rattling]
468
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,762
That's not someone.
469
00:18:18,762 --> 00:18:20,261
That's some thing.
470
00:18:20,261 --> 00:18:21,720
[footsteps echoing]
471
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:23,470
[thunder crashes]
472
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,428
ominous music playing
473
00:18:26,428 --> 00:18:29,720
474
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,053
[exhales sharply]
475
00:18:32,053 --> 00:18:35,303
[cat yowling]
476
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:38,470
[thunder crashes]
477
00:18:38,470 --> 00:18:41,553
478
00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:43,512
Daddy's home.
479
00:18:43,512 --> 00:18:45,303
-Aaaah!
-Noooo!
480
00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:48,387
Holy shit! It's him! Hillary,
where do you keep your guns?!
481
00:18:48,387 --> 00:18:51,095
No guns, but I do have
the nuclear football.
482
00:18:51,095 --> 00:18:53,136
-Amy, get him!
-I looked him in the eye!
483
00:18:53,136 --> 00:18:54,720
[shakily] I can't move!
484
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,804
[Schultz] Behold the awesome
power of a centrist
485
00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:00,929
who appeals
to the 42% of Americans
486
00:19:00,929 --> 00:19:03,011
who identify
as independent.
487
00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:04,762
Those voters
could be independent
488
00:19:04,762 --> 00:19:06,845
because they're far left
or they're far right,
489
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:08,345
you crazy-eyed bastard!
490
00:19:08,345 --> 00:19:10,345
Oh, yeah. Huh.
491
00:19:10,345 --> 00:19:12,595
Hm. It doesn't matter.
492
00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:16,178
By saturating Americans
with Starbucks for decades,
493
00:19:16,178 --> 00:19:18,220
I've primed them
to support a candidate
494
00:19:18,220 --> 00:19:20,387
who is just as
physically nauseating
495
00:19:20,387 --> 00:19:23,595
and economically criminal
as that terrible coffee.
496
00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:25,720
Americans are readier
than ever
497
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,970
to get behind
something that sucks.
498
00:19:27,970 --> 00:19:31,053
They're ready for
Howard Schultz.
499
00:19:31,053 --> 00:19:34,011
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
500
00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:39,345
Well, I'm gonna punch out
for the day.
501
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,553
If you guys need me,
I'll be just doing my thang.
502
00:19:41,553 --> 00:19:43,720
Oh, and, uh, if you left
your deck chairs outside,
503
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:44,887
you might want to drag 'em in
504
00:19:44,887 --> 00:19:47,011
because it's really
coming down today.
505
00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:49,720
Sir, fiery metal chunks
traveling at the speed of sound
506
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,387
are falling from space.
Oh, really?
507
00:19:51,387 --> 00:19:54,470
Well, are you sure Earth isn't
just going up into the chunks?
508
00:19:54,470 --> 00:19:55,679
I asked the same thing,
509
00:19:55,679 --> 00:19:57,929
but a guy with glasses
explained that it's not.
510
00:19:57,929 --> 00:20:00,011
I know, Pompeo. Okay?
You know why it's happening?
511
00:20:00,011 --> 00:20:01,720
Because you all spent
so much time
512
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,845
focusing on the
Space Force details
513
00:20:03,845 --> 00:20:06,136
that you lost sight
of the overall awesomeness!
514
00:20:06,136 --> 00:20:08,845
Sir, this is why you always
need a backup plan.
515
00:20:08,845 --> 00:20:10,720
I thought
I banned the P-word!
516
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,220
You know, launching a program
517
00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:14,345
that incites
an international arms race
518
00:20:14,345 --> 00:20:17,220
in a once-peaceful frontier
could've been fun!
519
00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:19,720
But you brainiacs ruined it!
520
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,595
521
00:20:27,136 --> 00:20:29,387
[President Trump] At least
pizza will cheer me up.
522
00:20:29,387 --> 00:20:31,929
-One slice of pepperoni, please.
-Not for you.
523
00:20:31,929 --> 00:20:33,595
My boss is making me
go up to the roof
524
00:20:33,595 --> 00:20:36,387
and clean up space junk thanks
to your brainless bullshit.
525
00:20:36,387 --> 00:20:39,011
Come on, man!
I've had a rough day.
526
00:20:39,011 --> 00:20:40,470
Just give me one?
527
00:20:40,470 --> 00:20:42,720
I'm gonna call the cops,
my dude. Take a hike.
528
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,011
Fine. I'll go.
529
00:20:44,011 --> 00:20:45,845
But only if you show me
what the pepperonis look like
530
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:47,261
before you chop 'em up.
531
00:20:47,261 --> 00:20:48,929
I'll take that secret
to my grave.
532
00:20:48,929 --> 00:20:50,720
Now beat it before
I kick your ass.
533
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,929
[crash]
Ugh! Not again!
534
00:20:52,929 --> 00:20:54,679
Jackie,
where's the broom?!
535
00:20:56,387 --> 00:20:59,220
Look, Howard, I respect what
you've done with Starbucks.
536
00:20:59,220 --> 00:21:01,261
No one drives their
employees insane
537
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:03,303
with Norah Jones music
better than you.
538
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:06,303
But if you run, hell, you'll
hand the presidency to Trump.
539
00:21:06,303 --> 00:21:10,011
Joe, what are you talking about?
I'm already the president.
540
00:21:10,011 --> 00:21:11,804
What?
541
00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:13,261
"Instead of
'billionaire,'
542
00:21:13,261 --> 00:21:16,011
I prefer you call me
a 'person of means.'
543
00:21:16,011 --> 00:21:18,345
President
Howard Schultz"?!
544
00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:20,345
I'm too late!
545
00:21:20,345 --> 00:21:22,136
[growling]
546
00:21:22,136 --> 00:21:25,470
[rumbling]
547
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:30,428
[all scream]
548
00:21:30,428 --> 00:21:32,929
[Todd]
And in political news,
549
00:21:32,929 --> 00:21:35,136
space junk continues
to kill thousands...
550
00:21:35,136 --> 00:21:37,136
and President Trump's
re-election chances.
551
00:21:37,136 --> 00:21:39,970
Maybe mankind just
wasn't meant to bring
552
00:21:39,970 --> 00:21:42,220
their mindless bloodlust
to the heavens.
553
00:21:42,220 --> 00:21:45,178
-[echoing] Yes, they are.
-John F. Kennedy?
554
00:21:45,178 --> 00:21:48,220
You're Congressman
Joe Kennedy III's great-uncle!
555
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:50,553
What's that silver-tongued
spitfire like?
556
00:21:50,553 --> 00:21:52,053
No time for chitchat.
557
00:21:52,053 --> 00:21:53,470
I'm just killing time
before I'm meeting
558
00:21:53,470 --> 00:21:56,261
the ghost of Jayne Mansfield
on Mike Pence's desk.
559
00:21:56,261 --> 00:21:57,845
When I announced
we'd go to the Moon,
560
00:21:57,845 --> 00:21:59,845
I had no idea
it was even possible.
561
00:21:59,845 --> 00:22:03,053
I was so goofed up on pain pills
that I just blurted it out,
562
00:22:03,053 --> 00:22:05,595
and, luckily, thousands
of eggheads made it happen.
563
00:22:05,595 --> 00:22:07,845
I wish Space Force
was like that.
564
00:22:07,845 --> 00:22:09,804
It is.
Just keep the faith.
565
00:22:09,804 --> 00:22:12,720
Us privileged white sons
of Nazi sympathizers
566
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,428
need not concern ourselves
with details,
567
00:22:15,428 --> 00:22:17,970
because no matter
how great our errors,
568
00:22:17,970 --> 00:22:20,178
how harebrained our schemes,
569
00:22:20,178 --> 00:22:22,136
how depraved
our predilections,
570
00:22:22,136 --> 00:22:24,011
those who serve beneath us
571
00:22:24,011 --> 00:22:26,220
will provide
a nice, soft landing.
572
00:22:26,220 --> 00:22:27,845
Is there
a historical anecdote
573
00:22:27,845 --> 00:22:29,720
that illustrates
your exact point?
574
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:31,762
Chappaquiddick.
Look it up.
575
00:22:31,762 --> 00:22:35,345
I had a dream last night
Schultz ate our souls!
576
00:22:35,345 --> 00:22:36,595
-Me too!
-Me too!
577
00:22:36,595 --> 00:22:39,053
We gotta stop him. Don't ask me
how. I'm a vague-ideas guy.
578
00:22:39,053 --> 00:22:41,553
We need someone smart,
someone who went to Stanford,
579
00:22:41,553 --> 00:22:44,220
won a Rhodes scholarship,
then attended Yale Law.
580
00:22:44,220 --> 00:22:45,720
-Oh, God.
-Shut up.
581
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,345
This Schultz boob just jumped
into the race with no policies.
582
00:22:49,345 --> 00:22:51,220
If we want to go
toe-to-hoof with him,
583
00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:53,220
we need someone
equally thoughtless.
584
00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:54,512
She's right.
585
00:22:54,512 --> 00:22:56,470
Overthinking's what got us
into this mess,
586
00:22:56,470 --> 00:22:59,220
and underthinking
is gonna get us out.
587
00:22:59,220 --> 00:23:01,387
Hmm. Who do we know
that never puts
588
00:23:01,387 --> 00:23:03,720
a single thought
into anything they do?
589
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:06,178
[crash]
590
00:23:06,178 --> 00:23:08,387
Wow! And then
he just went home?
591
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,762
I'm not perfect,
but I'm not Ted Kennedy.
592
00:23:10,762 --> 00:23:12,637
I've made Jayne wait
long enough.
593
00:23:12,637 --> 00:23:14,387
By the way,
should you ever need
594
00:23:14,387 --> 00:23:17,387
the strongest barbiturates
known to medical science,
595
00:23:17,387 --> 00:23:20,261
look behind the painting
in the state dining room.
596
00:23:20,261 --> 00:23:22,345
[phone vibrates]
If that's Jackie, uh,
597
00:23:22,345 --> 00:23:24,762
tell her I'm fighting for
civil rights or some crap.
598
00:23:24,762 --> 00:23:27,470
Hello?
Every one of 'em?
599
00:23:27,470 --> 00:23:29,428
600
00:23:29,428 --> 00:23:33,428
And behind Howard Schultz's
eyes, it's completely black.
601
00:23:33,428 --> 00:23:35,929
He doesn't feel
like you and me.
602
00:23:35,929 --> 00:23:37,220
He's got acid for blood!
603
00:23:37,220 --> 00:23:39,679
Why would I team up with
you guys to take him down?
604
00:23:39,679 --> 00:23:41,470
You really want
to go mano-a-mano
605
00:23:41,470 --> 00:23:44,762
with someone who thought less
about their campaign than you?
606
00:23:44,762 --> 00:23:46,261
Alright.
Follow my lead,
607
00:23:46,261 --> 00:23:49,595
even though I have the barest
wisp of an idea where I'm going.
608
00:23:49,595 --> 00:23:53,804
Space Force, yeah!
609
00:23:53,804 --> 00:23:56,136
610
00:23:56,136 --> 00:23:58,303
Space Force!
611
00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:00,637
612
00:24:00,637 --> 00:24:01,970
Space Force!
613
00:24:01,970 --> 00:24:04,387
614
00:24:04,387 --> 00:24:06,470
[Schultz] So each
and every one of you
615
00:24:06,470 --> 00:24:09,303
is dropping out of the race
and endorsing me?
616
00:24:09,303 --> 00:24:10,929
-Mm-hmm.
-Uh-huh.
617
00:24:10,929 --> 00:24:13,679
I figured it would come to this,
just not so soon.
618
00:24:13,679 --> 00:24:17,470
How about some...
Starbucks to celebrate?
619
00:24:17,470 --> 00:24:20,011
How thoughtful.
Anyone else gonna partake?
620
00:24:20,011 --> 00:24:21,011
-Nope.
-No.
621
00:24:21,011 --> 00:24:22,470
Okay.
622
00:24:22,470 --> 00:24:24,136
[slurping]
623
00:24:24,136 --> 00:24:26,512
Ahh. This was lovely.
624
00:24:26,512 --> 00:24:28,136
I'll be back
with my designers
625
00:24:28,136 --> 00:24:29,553
who specialize
in interiors
626
00:24:29,553 --> 00:24:32,303
that, once you enter,
you immediately want to leave.
627
00:24:32,303 --> 00:24:36,428
Idiot! I put JFK's horse
tranquilizers in that coffee!
628
00:24:36,428 --> 00:24:40,053
And as soon as you pass out,
we're shooting you into space!
629
00:24:40,053 --> 00:24:42,512
-Whoo-hoo!
-Take that, asshole!
630
00:24:42,512 --> 00:24:44,428
Why aren't you panicking?
631
00:24:44,428 --> 00:24:47,970
Starbucks coffee is so acidic
that it neutralizes the effects
632
00:24:47,970 --> 00:24:50,595
of even the most dangerous
barbiturates.
633
00:24:50,595 --> 00:24:53,595
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna have you arrested
634
00:24:53,595 --> 00:24:56,387
for conspiracy to be mean
to a billionaire.
635
00:24:56,387 --> 00:24:58,178
Don't you mean
"person of means"?
636
00:24:58,178 --> 00:25:01,553
"Billionaire" is my word.
I can say it.
637
00:25:01,553 --> 00:25:04,387
Okay, Trump.
What's your Plan B?
638
00:25:04,387 --> 00:25:06,595
Aww. You thought
I had a Plan A.
639
00:25:06,595 --> 00:25:08,345
You're alright, Lizzy.
640
00:25:08,345 --> 00:25:11,011
Well, I guess this is it
for all of us.
641
00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:13,261
If you guys want to take
anything from the White House,
642
00:25:13,261 --> 00:25:14,595
I got a crowbar in my desk.
643
00:25:14,595 --> 00:25:16,929
-Wait. But what if we just --
-It's over, Beto.
644
00:25:16,929 --> 00:25:19,303
Times like these, I feel
more grateful than ever
645
00:25:19,303 --> 00:25:20,428
that I have
a girlfriend.
646
00:25:20,428 --> 00:25:22,720
-She doesn't exist!
-Shut up!
647
00:25:24,387 --> 00:25:27,178
Take me to the sheriff's office.
No lollygagging.
648
00:25:27,178 --> 00:25:29,220
Right away,
future president.
649
00:25:29,220 --> 00:25:32,553
Finally.
Someone gets it.
650
00:25:32,553 --> 00:25:34,762
[President Trump] What the hell
are we doing out here?
651
00:25:34,762 --> 00:25:37,428
The pawn shop closes
in 45 minutes.
652
00:25:37,428 --> 00:25:40,387
Sir, I knew you wouldn't
have a backup plan
653
00:25:40,387 --> 00:25:42,053
to take down
Howard Schultz,
654
00:25:42,053 --> 00:25:44,804
and Earth would fly off orbit
into the sun
655
00:25:44,804 --> 00:25:48,387
if Americans lost faith
in their doughy, white men.
656
00:25:48,387 --> 00:25:51,345
So I came up with a plan
myself.
657
00:25:51,345 --> 00:25:53,387
Please direct your attention
to the distance,
658
00:25:53,387 --> 00:25:55,637
where the hog-tied
coffee magnate
659
00:25:55,637 --> 00:25:58,387
is loaded into a rocket
headed for space
660
00:25:58,387 --> 00:26:00,762
in three, two, one!
661
00:26:00,762 --> 00:26:02,762
Blast off!
662
00:26:02,762 --> 00:26:06,428
-Whoo-hoo!
-Spaaaace Foooorrrce!
663
00:26:06,428 --> 00:26:08,804
Please explode, please explode,
please explode.
664
00:26:08,804 --> 00:26:11,679
-Whoo!
-Aww, it didn't explode!
665
00:26:11,679 --> 00:26:14,053
Not that I have a problem
with someone being
666
00:26:14,053 --> 00:26:15,679
in a confined space
indefinitely,
667
00:26:15,679 --> 00:26:18,553
but aren't we kind of
leaving Schultz to die in space?
668
00:26:18,553 --> 00:26:20,637
Oh, he has enough water
and gerbil pellets
669
00:26:20,637 --> 00:26:23,637
to last him well past
the 2020 election.
670
00:26:23,637 --> 00:26:25,637
Doesn't China, Iran,
and North Korea
671
00:26:25,637 --> 00:26:27,679
have militarized
spacecrafts up there?
672
00:26:27,679 --> 00:26:29,595
I read that in
a French newspaper!
673
00:26:29,595 --> 00:26:30,762
Oh, yeah!
674
00:26:34,762 --> 00:26:37,970
But on the other hand,
pretty big-ass explosion, right?
675
00:26:37,970 --> 00:26:39,470
-Yeah!
-What a beautiful sight!
676
00:26:39,470 --> 00:26:41,345
[Graham] Plus,
you blew up a rocket.
677
00:26:41,345 --> 00:26:44,970
And when a rocket explodes
and you need more rockets,
678
00:26:44,970 --> 00:26:47,261
it's a beautiful thing.
679
00:26:47,261 --> 00:26:49,804
You guys look so good.
680
00:26:51,512 --> 00:26:53,470
[Schultz]
You can't kill Howard Schultz.
681
00:26:53,470 --> 00:26:56,261
I was here
before the world began.
682
00:26:56,261 --> 00:26:59,512
Ha ha ha ha. Ha.
683
00:26:59,512 --> 00:27:02,679
We felt bad Space Force
didn't work out
684
00:27:02,679 --> 00:27:05,178
because you're crazy dumb,
so we got you this.
685
00:27:05,178 --> 00:27:06,595
You know what?
686
00:27:06,595 --> 00:27:09,679
A cool sweatshirt is all
I wanted the whole time.
687
00:27:09,679 --> 00:27:11,929
We'll, uh, see you
on the campaign trail?
688
00:27:11,929 --> 00:27:15,970
Yep! Until one of you wins,
I declare the election invalid,
689
00:27:15,970 --> 00:27:19,804
and we settle this
in the streets.
690
00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:21,220
['80s-style pop music plays]
691
00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:24,345
Donald Trump
is the president
692
00:27:24,345 --> 00:27:27,845
Donald Trump
is the president
693
00:27:27,845 --> 00:27:30,261
Is Donald Trump
the president?
694
00:27:30,261 --> 00:27:31,845
Yes, he is
695
00:27:31,845 --> 00:27:34,845
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
696
00:27:34,845 --> 00:27:37,512
Is Donald Trump
the president?
697
00:27:37,512 --> 00:27:38,929
Yes, he is
698
00:27:38,929 --> 00:27:41,929
We had a vote
and elected him president
699
00:27:41,929 --> 00:27:46,970
Donald Trump
is the president
700
00:27:49,261 --> 00:27:50,845
Donald Trump
701
00:27:50,845 --> 00:27:54,512
He is our president
702
00:27:54,512 --> 00:27:57,762
We made him president
703
00:27:57,762 --> 00:28:00,053
We did it
704
00:28:00,053 --> 00:28:04,053
Donald Trump
is the president
705
00:28:04,053 --> 00:28:07,095
We elected Donald Trump
706
00:28:07,095 --> 00:28:10,595
Donald Trump
is the president
707
00:28:10,595 --> 00:28:14,220
Donald Trump
is the president
708
00:28:14,220 --> 00:28:17,970
Yeah
709
00:28:17,970 --> 00:28:19,553
Trump!
53860
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.