Original subtitles

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

WOMAN: IF WE ONLY REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE LOVE,

WHAT DO WE LOSE?

MY GRANDMOTHER CARMEN WAS THE UNOFFICIAL FAMILY ARCHIVIST.

SHE DIDN'T JUST KEEP THE FAMILY HISTORY, SHE WROTE IT.

AFTER MY UNCLE MIGUEL DIED IN 1987, SHE MADE THIS SCRAPBOOK.

THIS IS HOW SHE REMEMBERED HIM.

THE TALENTED YOUNG ACTOR, HEADED FOR BROADWAY.

THE MIGUEL IN THIS SCRAPBOOK

SEEMS LIKE THE SON MY GRANDMOTHER WANTED.

NOT THE ONE SHE HAD.

I HAVE ONLY ONE MEMORY OF HIM.

I WAS 6 YEARS OLD.

HE CAME FROM NEW YORK FOR A SURPRISE VISIT.

AND I DON'T REMEMBER HOW LONG HE STAYED,

BUT IT WAS LONG ENOUGH TO GET AN IMPRESSION

OF THIS FUN, CHARMING, SEDUCTIVE GUY.

AND THEN THAT WAS IT.

6 MONTHS LATER, HE WAS DEAD.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

WOMAN: HELLO?

WOMAN 2: HOLA, MAMA, COMO ESTAS?

MAMA, THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT.

ABOUT TIO MICKEY WHEN HE DIED?

I WANT TO JUST...I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT YOU REMEMBER.

MAMA: I REMEMBER BEING IN TOUCH WITH HIM

THE WEEK BEFORE HE DIED.

AND, UH...MIGUEL WAS VERY SICK.

HE SHOWED ME SOME SPOTS HE HAD ON HIS LEGS

AND TOLD ME IT WAS CANCER.

UM, I--I SAW A RING THAT HE WAS WEARING, UM,

AND I SAW THAT MY MOTHER WAS VERY UPSET ABOUT HIM,

UM, NOT GIVING UP HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ROBERT.

AND INSISTING THAT HE REPENT.

WOMAN: SO, THEN, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

MAMA: HER STORY WAS THAT MIGUEL

WENT TO CONFESSION BEFORE HE DIED.

HE HAD REPENTED AND WAS RECEIVED IN HEAVEN.

WOMAN: DOESN'T IT TROUBLE YOU?

MAMA: WHAT...WHAT...WHY SHOULD IT TROUBLE ME?

WOMAN: BECAUSE IF IT'S TRUE,

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

WOMAN: I NEED YOU TO PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME.

MAN: MIGUEL DIEPPA.

WOMAN: OKAY MIGUEL I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHERE YOU COME FROM.

MIGUEL: I COME FROM SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO,

AH, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CARIBBEAN SEA.

WOMAN: TELL ME WHAT IT'S LIKE.

MIGUEL: WELL, IT'S A TROPICAL ISLAND.

IT'S NOT VERY BIG.

IT'S ALL VERY LUSH AND VERY LOVELY.

WOMAN: DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY?

MIGUEL: YES, UH, MY PARENTS, OF COURSE.

I HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER WHO'S GETTING MARRIED NOW

AND I HAVE A SISTER WHO'S 26

AND I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY SHE'S GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

[LAUGHS] THIS IS THE THIRD FOR HER, WHICH IS REALLY GOOD.

[SIGH]

I'M GOING TO BACKTRACK ALL THE WAY TO THE MOMENT

WHEN SOMEONE CALLED AND TOLD ME...

I DON'T KNOW WHO CALLED ME...

WHO TOLD ME THAT MIGUEL HAD DIED.

I MET MY PARENTS IN PUERTO RICO FOR THE FUNERAL.

IT WAS SAD TO KNOW THAT ROBERT WAS THERE.

MY MOM WASN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT,

BUT--BUT PAPI INSISTED THAT--THAT IT WAS

THE RIGHT THING FOR ROBERT TO BE THERE.

AND, UH--BUT--BUT HE JUST

KEPT OFF TO ONE SIDE AND HE DIDN'T--

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REMEMBER HIM BEING PART OF...

OF OUR GROUP FOR SOME REASON.

SO, THAT WAS IT. AND WE SAID GOOD-BYE

AND WE WENT HOME AND WE NEVER SAW OR HEARD FROM ROBERT AGAIN.

WOMAN: WHAT DO YOU THINK HAS HAPPENED TO ROBERT NOW?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I DON'T REMEMBER HIS LAST NAME.

AND EVERYBODY THAT I'VE ASKED, NOBODY REMEMBERS HIS LAST NAME.

AND--[LAUGHTER]

TELL THEM, LOOK, THIS IS...OK,

WE'RE GOING TO GET TO THE SERIOUS PART HERE.

I THINK WE'VE REACHED A POINT

WHERE THERE'S A NEW-- A NEW MORALITY INVOLVED.

IT'S LIKE, GOD, WHEN IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN?

OK, UM, CHRISTMAS EVE, I'M AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE

AND I LOOK ON FACEBOOK AND I SEE A GROUP OF MY FRIENDS.

AND THEY'RE DISCUSSING OF, YOU KNOW, THIS FILM ABOUT MIGUEL.

I WENT INTO SHOCK. I READ IT

AND THEN I CLOSED IT UP AND I REFUSED TO TALK--TO SEE IT.

SO, I CALLED BOB, RIGHT?

I CALLED HIM IN CALIFORNIA AND I SAID, "BOB.

GO TO FACEBOOK NOW."

AND HE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN GO TO FACEBOOK?

I DON'T HAVE A FACEBOOK."

I GO, "GO TO THE COMPUTER NOW AND HIT, UM,

"HIT, UM, CECILIA ALDARONDO.

HIT MIGUEL DIEPPA."

SO, YOU KNOW, HE GOOGLES IT AND HE GETS THIS

AND HE STARTS, "OH, MY GOD!"

YOU KNOW, FREAKING OUT AND I SAID,

"SHE'S DOING A FILM."

AND HE GOES, "WELL, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?"

I SAID, "YOU SHOULD CALL HER. SHOULD CALL HER.

SHE'S LOOKING FOR YOU. SHE'S LOOKING FOR YOU."

AND SAYS, "OK, I'M GOING TO CALL HER."

[TELEPHONE RINGING]MAN: HELLO?

CECILIA: HI. IS THIS ROBERT?ROBERT: HOW ARE YOU?

CECILIA: I'M GOOD. I MEAN, I'M-- I'M A LITTLE SHOCKED.

ROBERT: I'VE OFTEN WONDERED HOW LONG

IT WOULD TAKE SOMEONE TO REACH ME.

I KEPT IN THE BACKGROUND PURPOSELY.

CECILIA: REALLY?ROBERT: YES, I DID.

CECILIA: TO GET THIS MESSAGE IN THIS WAY IS ABSOLUTELY...

ROBERT: A DREAM COME TRUE.

YOU KNOW, I FEEL VINDICATED FINALLY.

CECILIA: MY WHOLE FAMILY IS-- IS GOING TO BE THRILLED

TO HEAR ABOUT THIS, INCLUDING MY MOTHER, REALLY.

ROBERT: OH, I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR MOTHER

BECAUSE...SHE WAS SO...NASTY TO ME, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I WAS ALWAYS THE OUTCAST, YOU KNOW?

CECILIA: RIGHT. ROBERT: I WAS THE DEVIL.

I WAS THE PERSON WHO MADE HIM TURN GAY

AND ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF, YOU KNOW?

MIGUEL WAS MY BEST FRIEND.

THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

AND WHEN HE DIED, IT PUNCHED A HOLE IN MY HEART.

OH, MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

THIS IS TOO MUCH.

THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.

WHAT DID YOU WANT TO KNOW?

[TELEPHONE DIALING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

ROBERT: FATHER AQUIN.

CECILIA: HI. IT'S CECILIA. I'M DOWNSTAIRS.

ROBERT: I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN, SWEETHEART.CECILIA: OK.

[ROBERT AND CECILIA SPEAKING]

THIS SOFA, YOU SINK INTO IT.

CECILIA: YOU COMFORTABLE?

YES, VERY. MM-HMM.

SO, YOU HAVE SOME THINGS TO SHOW ME.

YES.

WHERE DO YOU--WHERE DO YOU WANT TO START?

I DON'T KNOW, ACTUALLY.

YEAH, I THINK I'LL START HERE.

BEFORE WE START, CAN YOU TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT

WHAT ALL THIS IS AND...?

THESE ARE ALL THE THINGS THAT--

THESE ARE VERY, VERY-- MY MEMORIES OF HIM.

THIS IS WHY I KEPT THEM, YOU KNOW?

THESE ARE VERY PERSONAL MEMORIES TO ME.

WELL...LET'S SORT OF START AT THE BEGINNING.

I WANT TO KNOW...

HOW WE MET? YEAH.

HOW DID YOU MEET MIGUEL?

WELL, I WAS WITH 4 FRIENDS AT A GAY BAR IN MANHATTAN.

AND WE WERE SITTING AT-- THEY HAD LITTLE TABLES.

IT WAS GEORGE AND HARRY AND-- I CAN'T REMEMBER THEIR NAMES.

THEY'RE ALL PASSED AWAY FROM AIDS, ALL OF THEM.

AND, UH, MICHAEL CAME IN AND HE JUST CAME OVER TO THE TABLE.

HE SAID, "WHAT'S SO FUNNY OVER HERE?"

AND I SAID, "OH, WE'RE JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME.

DO YOU WANT TO JOIN US?"

AND HE SAID, "SURE."

SO, HE SAT DOWN WITH US

AND WE JUST BLOSSOMED FROM THERE.

MICHAEL AND I HAD A RELATIONSHIP FROM '75 TILL '87.

THAT'S A LONG TIME.

LONGER THAN PEOPLE THOUGHT.

THIS IS MIKE AND I. THERE'S MY RED GLASSES.

I HAD EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW.

I HAD THEM BEFORE SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL.

MICHAEL HATED THOSE RED GLASSES ON ME.

HE DID.

THAT WAS AT HIS GRADUATION.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW I WAS THERE.

I WAS IN THE BACK.

WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW DIDN'T HURT THEM.

THIS IS WHEN HE-- THIS IS THE LAST TIME

HE WENT TO THE ISLAND RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED.

THIS--HE WENT AT CHRISTMAS TIME.

THAT WAS THE ONLY CHRISTMAS WE DID NOT SPEND TOGETHER.

CECILIA: WHEN I FIRST MET AQUIN, HE HAD A BOX OF MIGUEL'S THINGS.

THE MATERIAL REMAINS OF MIGUEL'S OTHER LIFE.

♪ YOU'RE ALWAYS GRATEFUL

♪ YOU'RE ALWAYS WONDERING WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ AND SHE WALKS IN

♪ AND STILL YOU'RE SORRY AND STILL YOU'RE GRATEFUL... ♪

CECILIA: IN THAT BOX, MIGUEL'S WALLET.

IT HAD ALL THE STANDARD THINGS IN IT.

I.D. CARDS, CREDIT CARDS.

BUT IN THIS WALLET I FOUND A TROUBLING DETAIL.

NO ONE IN MY FAMILY CALLED HIM MICHAEL.

WHO WAS THIS MICHAEL?

HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE CALLED MIGUEL.

HE WANTED TO BE CALLED MICHAEL. I SAID, "OK."

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT WAS?

I HAVE--BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT

TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH HIS PARENTS.

AT THAT POINT WHEN HE FIRST-- WHEN I FIRST MET HIM,

HE WAS REALLY ANGRY AT HIS PARENTS.

REALLY ANGRY AT HIS PARENTS.

DID MIGUEL EVER TALK ABOUT LEAVING PUERTO RICO?

LIKE WHAT IT FELT LIKE NOT TO BE THERE ANYMORE?

NEVER SPOKE ABOUT IT.

SO, THESE ARE THE PLAYS HE WAS WRITING.

OH, YEAH-- ONE'S "CARMEN WHO."

ONE'S "CARMEN AND THE LADY IN THE TUTTI-FRUTTI HAT."

AND ONE, WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE? "FLOWERS FROM AMERICA."

"FLOWERS FROM THE AMERICAS."

SO, DO YOU FEEL EQUALLY ATTACHED TO ALL OF THESE?

MM-HMM. IF YOU PROMISE

THAT YOU'RE GOING TO PUBLISH THOSE,

IF YOU PROMISE ME IN WRITING WITH YOUR SIGNATURE...

BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T?

WELL, DO YOU WANT TO PUBLISH THEM?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S IN THEM!

IT'S STORIES. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!

DID YOU NOT SEE HOW BEAUTIFULLY HE WROTE?

LOOK AT HIS WRITING!

MAN: ISLAND FEVER.

I GUESS THAT'S THE DIAGNOSIS FOR MY CASE.

I KNOW IT'S NOT ON YOUR REGULAR LIST OF TROPIC DISEASES,

AS SONDHEIM IS SO FOUND OF SAYING.

BUT I UNDERSTAND IT NOW.

IT'S THAT FEELING THAT CREEPS UP

ON THOSE WHO HAVE KNOWN WIDER SPACES OR LONG TO DO SO.

IT IS A FEAR THAT ONE'S BRAIN WILL BE SURROUNDED BY WATER

IF ONE STAYS HERE TOO LONG.

THOSE WHO ARE NOT NATIVES AND CATCH ISLAND FEVER

EITHER LEAVE AND RETURN TO THE MAINLAND

OR THEY STAY AND BECOME ALCOHOLICS.

THOSE WHO ARE CAN EXPECT A FACE WORSE THAN DEATH.

THEY MOVE TO NEW YORK.

CECILIA: SMALL PLACES LIKE PUERTO RICO

HAVE A SPECIAL WAY OF MAKING YOU CRAZY.

I'VE SEEN IT ALL MY LIFE.

EVERYONE WANTING TO LEAVE.

EVERYONE WISHING THEY'D STAYED.

AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN IT, PUERTO RICO HAS SEEMED TO BE

A PLACE CAUGHT... BETWEEN THE PRESSURE

TO DEVELOP ON THE ONE HAND, TO BE LIKE THE AMERICANS,

AND ON THE OTHER HAND,

AN ANXIETY TO CLING TO THE OLD WAYS.

TO TAKE REFUGE IN THE CHURCH.

TO INSIST ON THE POWER OF FAMILY.

MIGUEL GREW UP IN A SCHIZOPHRENIC PLACE.

BUT WHEN HE GOT TO NEW YORK,

I DON'T THINK HE LEFT IT BEHIND.

A LITTLE WHILE AGO, I FOUND A LETTER.

NOT IN AQUIN'S BOX, BUT AMONG MY GRANDMOTHER'S THINGS.

MIGUEL WROTE IT YEARS AFTER HE LEFT HOME.

WHO DID MIGUEL WANT TO BE?

THE STRAIGHT GUY?

THE PUERTO RICAN WITH NO DISCERNIBLE ACCENT?

HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

IF THE PLACE WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM

DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS?

WOMAN: OKAY MIGUEL I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN HERE.

MIGUEL: WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE MAINLAND SINCE AROUND 1972, '73.

AH, SO, THAT'S ABOUT 6 YEARS NOW.

WOMAN: TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THINGS THAT YOU'RE INTERESTED IN.

MIGUEL: WELL, BESIDES THEATER--

I MEAN, BESIDES THE OBVIOUS, I'M INTO THEATER.

OH, GOD.

[NO AUDIO]

MY RELATION TO MIGUEL, OR WHAT I CALL--I CALL HIM MICHAEL.

UM, WE WERE NEIGHBORS ON 62ND STREET IN THE 1980S.

I REALLY FELT LIKE BOB AND MICHAEL WERE--

YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER, MY FATHER, MY BROTHER, MY COUSINS.

THEY WERE ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE IN MY LIFE AS FAMILY.

IT WAS A VERY ARTSY GROUP

ONCE MICHAEL CAME INTO THE PICTURE.

THERE WERE DANCERS, THERE WERE ARTISTS.

EDITH BEALE USED TO LIVE IN THE BUILDING.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD ABOUT--DO YOU KNOW EDITH BEALE?

GREY GARDENS? YEAH. LITTLE EDIE.

SHE LIVED ON THE FIFTH FLOOR.

SHE KNEW BOB.

ROBERT! HA HA! SHE CALLED HIM ROBERT!

SHE HAD A CRUSH ON BOB.

MIGUEL WAS A MENTOR, A FRIEND, A BROTHER.

HE'D HAVE AN IDEA TO-- LET'S DO A SHOW!

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, MIGUEL'S DIRECTING AND PRODUCING

AND WE'RE ALL INVOLVED, AND IT WAS ALL MIGUEL.

WOMAN: HE LIVED AND BREATHED THE THEATER.

HE WANTED TO SHARE THAT.

ROBERT: MICHAEL WAS JUST PURE FUN.

WE'D LAUGH UNTIL WE COULDN'T LAUGH ANYMORE.

MY SIDES USED TO HURT FROM LAUGHING.

WE WOULD SMOKE GRASS AND HE-- WE WOULD LAUGH AND LAUGH.

WE'D SMOKE BEFORE HIS FATHER CAME ONE TIME.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT!

CECILIA: DID YOU DO DRUGS TOGETHER?

YEAH!WHAT KIND OF DRUGS?

UM...WELL, YOU KNOW, MIGUEL AND I HAD

A FONDNESS FOR POT BACK THEN.

AND, UM, AND THEN THEY SORT OF INTRODUCED, WELL,

I HAD BEEN INTRODUCED TO COCAINE BEFORE THEN.

COME ON, IT WAS EARLY EIGHTIES IN NYC.

BOB WORKED AT BARS AND HE WOULD GET TIPPED IN DRUGS.

SO, UM, HE WOULD COME HOME FROM WORK AND "HEY, SURPRISE!

LOOK WHAT I GOT TIPPED!"

SHANE: AND MICHAEL WAS SORT OF THE PATRIARCH, YOU KNOW.

HE WAS--HE KIND OF

HELD THE GROUP TOGETHER AND HELD BOB TOGETHER.

WELL, THIS IS A GIFT THAT MICHAEL GAVE ME.

THIS--I--THIS WAS THE FUN--

THIS IS CUTE. THIS IS REALLY CUTE.

THERE WAS NOTHING I WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.

NOTHING. I TOLD HIM A MILLION TIMES.

YOU NAME IT. I WOULD JUMP OFF

THE BRIDGE FOR YOU.

I WOULD JUMP WITH YOU, WITHOUT YOU.

THIS HE GAVE TO ME, HE WROTE THAT IN THE HOSPITAL BED.

EVERYTHING HE HAD HAD HEARTS ON IT.

"I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK."

MICHAEL USED TO ALWAYS TELL ME THAT.

HE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT.

LOURDES: THERE WAS SO MUCH LOVE AND DEVOTION.

THEY HAD THEIR ARGUMENTS, BUT THEY HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

AND THEY LOVED ONE ANOTHER, YOU KNOW,

WHETHER, UM, YOU KNOW,

THE INTIMACIES OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP,

I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

IN THAT, I DON'T.

ROBERT: IT WAS A VERY SHORT-LIVED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.

TRUST ME. I SAID,

"YOU HAVE TO BE YOU, YOU ARE YOUNG.

"YOU HAVE TO LET OUT YOUR FEELINGS.

"GO OUT. GO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

"I'LL BE HERE. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO,

BUT DON'T EVER BRING A SEXUAL PARTNER BACK HERE."

SHE HAD A LOT OF FREEDOM BECAUSE BOB WORKED NIGHTS--

UH, TO BE WHOEVER HE WANTED TO BE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, A LOT OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW, UM, ESPECIALLY, I THINK, IN THE MALE COMMUNITY.

ROBERT: HE WAS A CREATURE OF THE NIGHT, I CALLED HIM.

BECAUSE HE WENT OUT AT NIGHT TO GAY BARS.

DOWN TO THE VILLAGE, TO THE LEATHER BARS,

AND THEN HE CAME HOME.

HE WAS INTO THE DARK SIDE.

HE REALLY WAS.

MICHAEL WOULD GET DRESSED UP AND, YOU KNOW...

NOT LEATHER LIKE HE WAS GOING TO BEAT SOMEBODY UP,

BUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE HE WAS, LIKE, GOING DOWNTOWN.

HE WAS GOING WHERE THE REAL PEOPLE WERE.

SO--YOU KNOW, HE'D WEAR HIS LEATHER JACKET, HIS BOOTS.

YOU KNOW. BUT I WOULDN'T SAY

THAT HE WAS, LIKE, WALKING AROUND, LIKE,

WITH CHAPS AND ALL THIS OTHER STUFF.

HE MAY HAVE, I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT WOULD HE WEAR?

LEATHER CHAPS AND JACKET AND A CAP

AND BOOTS AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF.

I GUESS I KNEW MICHAEL BY DAY.

I'M--I'M A BACHELOR, SO, IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR ME.

I...WOMAN: BUT YOU HAVE GOOD FRIENDS AND...

I HAVE CLOSE FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY.

[CHUCKLES] SO MIGUEL.

WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

THAT'S THE WAY HE WAS.

HE WAS HOMOPHOBIC ABOUT HIMSELF. HE WAS.

AND HE PLAYED SUCH A STRAIGHT ROLE DURING THE DAY.

ESPECIALLY AT LOBAR FRIEDMAN.

I WOULD GO MEET HIM FOR LUNCH OCCASIONALLY.

HE'D SAY, "DON'T WAIT FOR ME OUTSIDE HERE."

I SAID, "YOU CRAZY?

DO I LOOK GAY TO YOU?" [CHUCKLES]

LOURDES: AT THE TIME THAT HE AND MIGUEL WERE TOGETHER,

BOB WAS A BARTENDER.

LIVING THE GAY LIFE.

RICK: HE WAS KIND OF VOCAL ABOUT HIS...

AT THAT POINT IT FELT-- ALMOST FELT LIKE

A REBELLIOUS THING AGAINST RELIGION.

HE--HE WOULD EVEN, LIKE, ON THE STREET DO CATCALLS TO THE NUNS.

HE'D, LIKE, WHISTLE AT THEM AND STUFF.

I'D BE A LITTLE, YOU KNOW,

CATHOLIC BOY GOING, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?

STOP WHISTLING AT THE NUNS!"

HE GOES, "AHH, THEY'RE HYPOCRITES."

LIKE, WHAT? AND HE GOES, "I CAN SAY THAT.

I WAS A MONK."

ROBERT: I BECAME A PRIEST IN 1967?

AND I LEFT ABOUT 1974.

I KEPT MY FAITH. I NEVER GAVE IT UP.

I LIVED MY DAILY PRAYERS.

I DID EVERYTHING I NORMALLY DID IN THE MONASTERY.

I FOUND COMFORT IN PRAYER. I DID.

SO DID MY GRANDMOTHER.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

BUT SHE--SHE TOOK IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL IS WHAT SHE DID.

I WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING THAT I FOUND WITH YOU,

WHICH IS A LETTER FROM MY GRANDMOTHER.

SHE WROTE THIS LETTER

AND--AND THIS WAS ACTUALLY,

IT'S DATED JULY 28, 1987.

SO, THIS IS 3 MONTHS AFTER HE DIED.

"DEAR BROTHER IN CHRIST,

"HE HAD BEEN LIVING A LIFE AWAY FROM THE LORD

DURING THE PAST 7 YEARS."

SHE KNEW IT.

"BUT I ALWAYS KNEW THAT CHRIST'S LOVE FOR HIM

"WAS EVEN GREATER THAN MINE.

"I WAS WITH HIM DURING THE LAST MONTHS OF HIS ILLNESS.

HE DIED FROM CANCER."

THAT'S A LIE.

HE DIED FROM AIDS.

HE DID.

I--HE HAD AIDS.

[SIGH]

"AND I SAW GOD'S GLORY THE DAY HE REPENTED

AND ASKED FOR A PRIEST."

SHE HAS SUCH A TWISTED, CONTORTED VIEW OF GAY PEOPLE

AND WHAT GOD IS AND HATRED.

GOD DOESN'T HATE.

GOD IS A GOD OF LOVE.

[SIGH]

[CLICKING]

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH] [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CARMEN SPEAKING SPANISH]

CECILIA: MY GRANDMOTHER WAS THE SPIRITUAL CENTER OF MY FAMILY.

EVERYTHING I LEARNED ABOUT HOW TO BE GOOD, I LEARNED FROM HER.

WHEN I WAS 15, I HELPED HER DIE.

AND WHEN SHE DIED, EVERYONE WHO KNEW HER SAID,

"THERE GOES A SAINT."

WOMAN: MY MOTHER WAS BROUGHT UP TO BE A GOOD CATHOLIC WOMAN

AND TO BE A FAITHFUL SERVANT, AND SHE LIVED AND DIED BY THAT.

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

NYLDA: WHEN SHE WAS A TEENAGER,

SHE HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND SHE WAS VERY, VERY ILL.

THE NUNS WERE PRAYING FOR HER AND HER MOTHER PROMISED

THAT IF SHE SURVIVED, THAT SHE WOULD NEVER WALK AGAIN.

SO, THE NEXT MORNING, WHEN THE DOCTOR CAME,

HE FOUND THAT MY MOTHER WAS CURED.

THAT THERE WAS NO REMNANTS OF THE ILLNESS IN HER.

AND HE PROCLAIMED IT A MIRACLE.

SO, MY GRANDMOTHER NEVER WALKED AGAIN

AND MY MOTHER LIVED TO FEEL GUILTY FOR THAT.

AND TO BE THE BEST DAUGHTER THAT SHE COULD BE

BECAUSE HER MOTHER HAD GIVEN UP

SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT FOR HER LIFE.

SHE OWED HER THAT MUCH.

AND SHE OWED GOD FOR SAVING HER LIFE.

[CHURCH BELL RINGING]

CARMEN: HOLY VIRGIN OF VIRGINS, PRAY FOR US.

SORROWFUL MOTHER, MOURNFUL MOTHER,

SIGHING MOTHER, AFFLICTED MOTHER,

FORSAKEN MOTHER, MOTHER OVERWHELMED BY GRIEF,

MOTHER CRUCIFIED IN THY HEART, MOTHER BEREAVED OF THY SON.

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

HE WAS IN A VERY DIFFICULT SITUATION.

HE HAD HIS OWN BELIEFS

AND HE HAD TO ARGUE WITH MY MOTHER ALL THE TIME.

AND I KNOW THERE WAS NO ARGUING WITH HER.

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

CARMEN: THE UNIVERSALITY OF SPIRITUAL WARFARE.

I AM THE RESURRECTION AND THE LIFE.

THE ENEMY IS ACTIVE IN 1. GROWTH OF CULTS AND THE OCCULT.

2. PORNOGRAPHY. 3. SEX CRIMES, PERVERSION, AND VIOLENCE.

4. ABORTION, PLEASURE, CONVENIENCE.

5. DENIAL OF GOD IN HUMAN AFFAIRS.

IF YOU LAY DOWN YOUR DEFENSES,

YOU ARE IN THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY.

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

SHANE: HE WANTED TO BE AN ADULT

WHO WAS ACCEPTED IN A RELATIONSHIP

WITH SOMEBODY HE LOVED VERY MUCH.

FOR MAMI, YOU KNOW, THERE WAS NO...

SHE--SHE HAD NO HATE FOR ROBERT.

SHE WAS FRUSTRATED.

SHE--SHE WAS PROBABLY ANGRY, BUT...BUT

SHE DIDN'T WISH HIM BAD THINGS.

SHE WANTED HIS SOUL TO BE SAVED.

SHE WANTED ALL THE SOULS TO BE SAVED FOR JESUS CHRIST.

CECILIA: DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S QUITE POSSIBLY

A FORM OF HATE, THOUGH?

I...I CAN'T GO THERE.

THEY HATED ME. THEY REALLY DID.

THEY HATED ME.

WHEN I TELL YOU THEY HATED ME, I MEAN THEY HATED ME.

AND THIS YOUR MOTHER WAS IN IT AND HE CUT HER OFF.

HE CUT HER OUT OF IT.

SHE HER LEG THERE?

AND WHO CUT IT?

DID ROBERT CUT IT OR DID MIGUEL CUT IT?

I THINK ROBERT CUT IT. HMM/

CECILIA: HE DIDN'T SAY THAT.

HE SAID MIGUEL CUT IT?

HE WANTS TO HAVE MIGUEL TO HIMSELF

AND HAVE HIS MEMORY BE WHAT HE WANTS IT TO BE.

I HAVE THIS PICTURE.

I HAVE A COPY OF THIS PICTURE.

THAT'S MY LEG THERE.

I REALLY WAS SO INTO YOUR FATHER AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM

THAT I HAD NO TIME FOR ANYBODY ELSE.

SO, HE MUST HAVE FELT ABANDONED BY ME.

HOW DO YOU FEEL KNOWING

THAT THIS HAPPENED BETWEEN

YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR BROTHER?

I THINK THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I--I THINK IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED.

I MEAN...I WOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING IF I HAD BEEN THERE.

AND WHERE WERE YOU?

I TOLD YOU WHERE I WAS.

I WAS JUST FOCUSING ON MY HOME LIFE

WITH MY KIDS AND MY MARRIAGE.

AND...I...I COULDN'T DEAL WITH ANYTHING ELSE.

I WASN'T THERE TO BACK HIM UP OR HAVE HIS BACK OR WHATEVER.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WAS CONDEMNING HIM.

MIGUEL THOUGHT YOU WERE.

HE THOUGHT I WAS... BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.

HE NEVER SAID THAT TO MY FACE.

EITHER IN A PRIVATE CONVERSATION OR A LETTER OR ANYTHING.

HE NEVER SAID THAT TO ME.

MAN: DEAR SISTER,

LOVE IS NOT SPITEFUL, CONTEMPTUOUS, OR DEFIANT.

YOU CAN'T LET IT TRICKLE NOW AND THEN,

WITHHOLDING IT AS PUNISHMENT FOR NOT BEING NORMAL.

THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THAT IF YOU LOVED ME WHOLEHEARTEDLY,

YOU WOULD BE MOCKING EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR.

SO, IF YOU SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M GAY

AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT I WON'T

GO ALONG WITH YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS,

THEN YOU'RE SAYING YOUR LOVE IS INCOMPLETE.

AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T LOVE YOU DESPITE ANYTHING.

THOUGH, HONESTLY, I STILL RESENT THE FACT THAT I WAS NEVER ASKED

TO BE A GODPARENT TO ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN, AND WE BOTH KNOW WHY.

NYLDA: HE TOOK IT PERSONALLY.

HE TOOK IT AS A PERSON-- PERSONAL REJECTION OF HIM.

HE WAS IGNORANT.

HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH.

I THINK HE'S... HE'S PUTTING ON ME

A LOT OF THE THINGS THAT BELONG TO MAMI

BECAUSE I NEVER FELT THAT CLEARLY

THE BLACK AND WHITE THING THAT SHE DID.

I WAS NEVER TOTALLY SURE THAT-- THAT HOMOSEXUALITY WAS A SIN.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I HAD TO PROTECT MY CHILD.

YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST IN CASE.

THERE'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY TO--TO LAY AROUND,

A LOT OF BLAME TO LAY AROUND.

AND THE SADDEST THING IS THAT MY FATHER

COULDN'T STAND UP TO MY MOTHER.

AND THAT'S WHY HE CRIED SO MUCH BEFORE HE DIED...

FOR NOT HAVING THE GUTS TO DEFEND HIS SON.

BECAUSE HE KNEW THINGS THAT I DIDN'T KNOW.

WOMAN: ♪ BUT FOR NOW, LOVE, LET'S BE REAL ♪

♪ I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL THIS WAY ♪

♪ AND I'VE GOT TO SAY THAT I JUST DON'T GET IT ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE WENT WRONG ♪

♪ BUT THE FEELING'S GONE AND I JUST CAN'T GET IT BACK ♪

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

SHANE: I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER WHERE--HOW I HEARD.

RICK: I THINK IT WAS MIGUEL OR--OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO HIM.

BUT I THINK IT WAS MIGUEL.

SHANE: I DON'T KNOW IF I HEARD IT FROM BOB

OR I ACTUALLY HEARD IT FROM MICHAEL.

RICK: I REMEMBER HIM TELLING ME A STORY ABOUT...

SHANE: WHAT I HEARD WAS THAT MICHAEL WALKED INTO A BAR

IN PUERTO RICO AND--AND SAW HIS FATHER.

LOURDES: I HEARD THAT THERE WAS A BAR THAT HE WOULD FREQUENT

THAT WAS CALLED BACHELORS.

RICK: HE SAID THAT HE WALKED INTO THAT GAY BAR

AND HE SAW HIS DAD.

LOURDES: AND SAW YOUR GRANDFATHER KISSING ANOTHER MAN.

RICK: WHEN HE SAW HIS DAD IN A GAY BAR,

THAT THERE WAS A RECKONING.

SHANE: I DON'T REMEMBER WHETHER MICHAEL GOT UP AND WALKED OUT

OR JORGE GOT UP AND WALKED OUT.

RICK: AND IT KIND OF BLEW HIS WORLD APART.

[CECILIA SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[CECILIA SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

OK. I--I MET JORGE

WHEN I MOVED TO WINTER PARK.

YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS A NICE MAN.

HE WAS A COMPANION, SO, WE DID THINGS TOGETHER.

WE WOULD GO OUT TO EAT.

WE LIKED TO GO TO THE MACARONI GRILL.

SOMETIMES WE'D GO OUT TO THE BARS.

CECILIA: TO WHICH BARS?

TO THE GAY BARS.

AFTER YOUR--YOUR GRANDFATHER PASSED AWAY,

YOUR MOM TOLD ME THAT, UH, YOUR GRANDFATHER

KEPT WATCHING, UH, "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

AND THEY HAD IT ON THE--THE VIDEO

AND HE KEPT WATCHING IT,

AND EVERY TIME HE WATCHED IT, THEN HE WOULD CRY.

AND SO, THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT TO ME

AND I THINK IT WAS YOUR FATHER WHO SAID,

"WAS THERE ANY--WAS THERE SOMETHING THERE?"

WONDERING WHY HE WAS CRYING

AND I'M NOT SURE IF HE WAS OUTRIGHT ASKING ME

IF--IF JORGE WAS GAY OR NOT, BUT I CONFIRMED IT.

I KNOW THAT, UH, HE COULD NEVER SHARE WHO HE WAS TOTALLY

WITH THE FAMILY, BUT I USED TO TELL HIM, I THINK THAT,

"YOUR--YOUR FAMILY IS REALLY, IS YOUR TREASURE.

"YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD IT, THE OTHER LIFE,

WHAT--WHAT WAS GOING TO COME OF YOUR OTHER LIFE?"

BUT THE SAD THING IS THAT YOUR--YOUR GRANDFATHER

NEVER SHARED WITH MIGUEL THAT HE WAS GAY ALSO,

AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK HE FELT REALLY BADLY ABOUT THAT,

BUT I DON'T THINK HE-- HE KNEW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I THINK THAT HE MUST HAVE FELT REALLY BAD AFTERWARDS

WHEN HE SAW THAT MOVIE-- "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

AND--AND HE SAW, YOU KNOW, WHAT A LOVING RELATIONSHIP

COULD BE BETWEEN TWO MEN.

HE MUST HAVE WONDERED...

HE MUST HAVE WONDERED SO MANY THINGS.

YOU COULD SAY THAT HE WAS A HYPOCRITE,

BUT THEN AGAIN, LOOK WHERE HE'S COMING FROM.

IN HIS CULTURE, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD

THE SUCCESS HE DID IN LIFE IF HE HAD COME OUT.

HE WOULD HAVE NEVER BECOME THE DIRECTOR OF COLLEGE BOARD.

HE WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN RECEIVED AS WELL AS HE DID

THROUGHOUT LATIN AMERICA AND UNITED STATES

AND WHEREVER HE WENT.

IT WAS KEPT HIS SECRET AND THAT WAS HIS CHOICE.

I MEAN, WE ALL HAVE SOME CRAZY SECRETS.

PARENTS HAVE SECRETS. CHILDREN HAVE SECRETS.

AND I THINK THAT MAYBE THAT BATTLE GOT SO EXAGGERATED

BECAUSE HIS FATHER COULDN'T HANDLE THE MIRROR OF HIS SON.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]

CECILIA: MY GRANDFATHER.

THE ONLY WAY I REALLY KNEW HIM

WAS THROUGH THE HOURS AND HOURS OF MOVIES

THAT HE TAPED OFF THE VCR.

IN THE YEAR BEFORE HE DIED, HE GOT WEIRDLY SENTIMENTAL.

HE WOULD SIT IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER'S TV AND JUST CRY.

IT MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO FEEL CLOSE TO HIM.

AND SO, ON THE DAY OF HIS FUNERAL, I DUG UP A TAPE.

AND I SAT AND WATCHED IT IN TRIBUTE TO HIM.

♪ IF YOU TOUCH ME, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ WHAT HAPPINESS IS

♪ LOOK, A NEW DAY HAS BEGUN

CECILIA: NOW I THINK ABOUT HIM CRYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN

WHILE WATCHING "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"

AND I THINK...MAYBE HE WANTED TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.

BUT WHAT IF HE DIDN'T?

MAN: AT THE TIME THAT MIGUEL CAME UNDER MY CARE

WAS REALLY THE DAWN OF THE AIDS EPIDEMIC

BOTH IN THE COUNTRY, BUT CERTAINLY HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,

AND OF COURSE, NOBODY KNEW WHAT IT WAS.

ONE OF THE NAMES OF THIS NEW DISEASE

WAS WRATH OF GOD SYNDROME.

SHANE: IT WAS INTERPRETED BY THE CHURCH

THAT THIS WAS, YOU KNOW, THIS WAS GOD'S PUNISHMENT.

I THINK THERE WAS A BIG PERIOD OF TIME

THAT THAT WAS "WHAT WE DESERVED."

WOMAN: HOMOSEXUALS SAY AIDS VICTIMS

ARE BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST,

EVICTED BY LANDLORDS, AND FEARED BY HEALTH WORKERS.

MAN: MORE CONTROVERSIAL ARE PROPOSALS

TO FIND AND SEGREGATE THOSE EXPOSED TO AIDS.

MAN 2: AMBULANCE DRIVERS HAVE REFUSED TO TAKE AIDS PATIENTS

AND HOSPITAL WORKERS HAVE REFUSED

TO TAKE CARE OF AIDS PATIENTS.

WOMAN: EVERY YEAR FOR 15 YEARS,

THE NEW YORK CITY COUNCIL HAS CONSIDERED

A HOMOSEXUAL RIGHTS BILL

AND THEN REJECTED IT.

CATHOLIC LEADERS HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED.

MAN: WE STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT SUCH A RESULT

WOULD SERIOUSLY UNDERMINE

THE MORAL EDUCATION AND VALUES OF OUR YOUTH

AND THE STABILITY OF FAMILY IN OUR SOCIETY.

[TITI NILDA SPEAKING SPANISH]

WAS IT AIDS? WAS IT CANCER?

WAS IT WHAT IT WAS?

IT WAS ALWAYS TOP SECRET

AND I THINK IT TOOK A REALLY LONG TIME--

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT TOOK A LONG TIME

FOR THEM TO ADMIT...YOU KNOW, WE SAW THE MARKS ON HIS LEGS.

WE SAW HIM SUFFERING.

WE SAW...BUT NOBODY WOULD SAY IT WAS AIDS

AND NOBODY REALLY ADMITTED FOR A LONG TIME

AND I DON'T KNOW IF EVER THEY ADMITTED THAT IT WAS AIDS.

HE HAD IT. I KNOW HE HAD IT.

I SAW ALL MY FRIENDS DYING OF AIDS ALL AROUND ME

AND I KNEW WHAT THOSE MARKS LOOKED LIKE.

CECILIA: I HEARD STORIES IN MY FAMILY

THAT MIGUEL NEVER WANTED TO BE TESTED.

ROBERT: NO, HE DIDN'T.

MAN AS MIGUEL: JANUARY 16, 1986.

AT APPROXIMATELY 9:30 A.M.,

DR. DONALD R. DRUSIN CAME INTO MY ROOM

AND ASKED TO SPEAK WITH ME PRIVATELY

IN A ROOM NEXT DOOR.

HE EXPLAINED THAT IT WAS THE CONSENSUS OF THE TEAM

THAT THERE WAS TOO MUCH AIDS RISK IN MY CARE

DUE TO THE FACT THAT I WAS GAY

TO PERFORM THE INTERVENTION.

HE SAID THAT IF I HAD

TAKEN THE AIDS TEST AND PROVED NEGATIVE,

THEY WOULD FEEL BETTER.

I TOLD HIM THAT HE KNEW MY STANDING ON THE TEST.

THAT I FELT IT WAS A BLACKLIST AND DIDN'T PROVE A THING.

ROBERT: HE WAS LONELY, HE MISSED ME.

HE KEPT SAYING, "PLEASE COME."

I'D CALL--EVERY 5 MINUTES, HE WOULD CALL ME AT HOME.

"ARE YOU COMING TO THE HOSPITAL?

ARE YOU COMING TO THE HOSPITAL?"

I SAID, "I'M COMING ALREADY. GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YA?

I'LL BE THERE IN 5 MINUTES."

MAN: MIGUEL HAD FEVER. HE HAD SKIN CHANGES.

HE WAS CONSTANTLY HAVING BLOOD-DRAWS AND TRANSFUSIONS

AND MEDICATION THAT WAS MAKING HIM SICK.

ROBERT: MICHAEL'S RIGHT LEG BLEW UP SO BIG WITH KAPOSI'S,

IT WAS LIKE HE DIDN'T HAVE-- IT WAS A MONSTROUS LEG.

IT WAS ALL PURPLE. THEY STARTED OUT SMALL, PURPLE,

PURPLE, BROWN, AND THEY GOT TO

BIG, ROUND, UGLY, UGLY, UGLY MARKS.

IT WAS LIKE SCALES.

I WENT, "PHEW." I SHUDDERED WHEN I SAW THEM.

WOMAN: IT WAS JUST THIS BIG ALIEN PRESENCE.

ROBERT: HIS LIVER GAVE OUT. HIS KIDNEYS GAVE OUT.

WOMAN: THERE WERE SO MANY ELEMENTS

ATTACKING THIS MAN'S SYSTEM.

ROBERT: IT WAS SO PAINFUL TO LOOK AT.

IT REALLY WAS. IT WAS JUST SO UGLY.

HE WAS PETRIFIED. HE PROBABLY KNEW,

THOUGHT THAT HE HAD AIDS.

LOURDES: HE KNEW HE WAS GONNA DIE.

ROBERT: I WAS SO SORRY HE GOT THIS.

A LOT OF IT CAME TO THE SURFACE

AFTER MICHAEL GOT SICK

BECAUSE HIS PARENTS WERE AROUND MORE.

AND HE WANTED THEM IN HIS LIFE AND HE WANTED TO PLEASE THEM

AND HE--HE WANTED THEIR LOVE AND THE SUPPORT AND HELP,

AND--AND BOB WANTED TO BE EVERYTHING

BECAUSE HE WAS HIS LOVER.

ROBERT: YOUR GRANDPARENTS TRIED TO STOP ME FROM SEEING MIGUEL

SEVERAL TIMES, ACTUALLY.

THEY TALKED TO THE DOCTORS,

BUT THEY DID NOT KNOW THAT THE DOCTORS

CAME BACK TO ME AND TOLD ME.

AND THAT'S WHEN DR. DRUSIN GOT THAT LETTER FOR ME.

THAT LETTER OF PERMISSION TO GO SEE MIGUEL AT ANY TIME I WANT.

ANYTIME, 24 HOURS A DAY, I WAS ALLOWED TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL.

AND I CARRIED IT IN MY BACK POCKET.

SHANE: IT WAS A FAMILY WAR.

WHO WAS CONTROLLING WHAT, WHEN, WHO?

YOU KNOW, WHO LOVED MICHAEL MORE?

WHO DID MICHAEL LOVE MORE?

IT WAS VERY COMPETITIVE.

SHE WANTED HIM DEAD.

SHE WAS HAPPIER THAT HE WAS DEAD THAN HE WAS ALIVE.

MY MOM DIDN'T WANT MIGUEL DEAD.

NO WAY. NO WAY.

IF SHE COULD HAVE GIVEN HER ARM--TWO ARMS,

IF SHE COULD HAVE NEVER WALKED AGAIN

SO THAT MY BROTHER COULD LIVE,

SHE WOULD HAVE NEVER WALKED AGAIN.

BUT SHE WOULD RATHER SEE HIM SAFE IN HEAVEN

RATHER THAN HERE IN THIS EARTH BEING TEMPTED.

SHANE: HE WAS SO TORN

THAT I THINK THAT HE WANTED TO MAKE EVERYBODY HAPPY

AND HE WAS SO AFRAID

OF BOB'S REACTION, OF HIS PARENTS' REACTION.

HOW--HOW DOES IT FEEL TO DIE?

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE YOUR LIFE SLIPPED AWAY FROM YOU

AND YOUR MOTHER TELLING YOU ONE THING,

ONE THING, ONE THING--

AND YOUR LOVER BEING THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE?

ROBERT: SHE MADE HIM GIVE ME BACK

THE FRIENDSHIP RING I GAVE HIM.

SHE TOLD HIM HE COULD NOT GET INTO HEAVEN

IF HE HAD THAT RING ON HIS FINGER

AND TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME.

SO, WHEN I WENT IN WHEN SHE WASN'T THERE ONE DAY,

HE PUT IT IN MY HAND AND HE CLOSED MY HAND AND HE SAID,

"GOD WILL NOT LET ME IN HEAVEN WITHOUT--WITH THIS RING ON."

I SAID, "WHO TOLD YOU THAT?" HE SAID, "MY MOTHER."

I SAID, "WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW

HOW MUCH OF A FOOL SHE IS BY NOW?"

HE SAID, "BUT SHE TOLD ME." I SAID, "MICHAEL..."

I SAID, "HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

"HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY BELIEVE THAT?

"THAT'S SO HYPOCRITICAL.

"GOD--YOU EVEN WROTE THAT LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER

"SAYING GOD DOES NOT DIS--DISCRIMINATE.

YOU KNOW?"

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SIGH]

I WENT INTO THE... I WENT INTO THE--

I WENT INTO THE... INTENSIVE CARE UNIT...

AND SHE HAD A CRUCIFIX AS BIG AS,

THIS BIG LAYING ON HIS BODY.

I WENT INTO THE NURSE AND I SAID,

"GET HER OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW

"AND GET THAT CRUCIFIX OFF OF HIM.

IT'S KILLING HIM."

NYLDA: WHEN HE WAS DYING, HE WAS TIED TO HIS BED

AND HE HAD ALL THESE TUBES ALL OVER.

HE HAD HIS ARMS SPREAD OUT LIKE HE WAS CRUCIFIED.

AND SHE WAS AT THE FOOT OF THE BED AND SHE FELT LIKE

MARY AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS.

HE DID WHATEVER HE NEEDED TO DO TO DIE IN PEACE

SO THAT HE COULD ACCEPT DEATH.

AND HOW DO YOU PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DEATH

UNLESS YOU GIVE YOURSELF UP?

CECILIA: THERE'S THIS SPACE IN MY IMAGINARY.

THIS SPACE OF STAINED GLASS AND MUSIC AND RITUAL,

EASTER AND RESURRECTION AND CHRIST AND MIGUEL

AND...I DON'T REMEMBER TRAVELING TO PUERTO RICO.

I DON'T REMEMBER THE FUNERAL HOME.

I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE WE STAYED.

I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I WORE.

I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT TIME THE FUNERAL WAS HELD.

I JUST REMEMBER...I REMEMBER BEING IN THE CHURCH.

[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

AND I REMEMBER THE MUSIC.

AND IT SCARED ME, THAT SONG.

IT WAS SO...THE MELODY WAS SO DARK AND DOUR,

AND I WAS 6 YEARS OLD.

I WAS SITTING...

STANDING THERE NEXT TO MY GRANDFATHER.

I'M LOOKING UP AT HIM AND HE HAS THIS BIRTHMARK,

THIS BIG BIRTHMARK ON HIS CHEEK,

AND THE TEARS ARE JUST STREAMING DOWN HIS CHEEKS.

THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.

ROBERT: I WAS AT THE FUNERAL PARLOR,

I WAS JUST SITTING THERE.

THEY NEVER SAID HELLO TO ME, NOTHING.

I WAS IN THE LAST-- THE LAST PEW.

THE BELLS STARTED RINGING AT THE CHURCH

AND THEY BROUGHT THE CASKET IN.

I SAW THE BEGINNING OF THE CASKET

AND I JUST COLLAPSED RIGHT ON THE FLOOR.

[SIGH]

ALL MY DREAMS HAD GONE.

EVERY--MICHAEL WAS GONE.

I WANTED TO GET OVER JUST TO TOUCH THE COFFIN,

TO SAY GOOD-BYE, PUT MY HAND ON IT AND SAY, "GOOD-BYE, PAL."

SO, I JUST PUT--I WENT, "GOOD-BYE, PAL.

"I'LL SEE YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU IN THE NEXT LIFE."

CECILIA: SO, ONE OF THE THINGS I'M READING HERE...

"OTHER SURVIVORS INCLUDE HIS MOTHER, CARMEN,

A BROTHER JORGE, 33, AND A SISTER NYLDA, 35."

HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU HEAR THAT?

HORRIBLE.

THERE'S NOT A MENTION OF ME AT ALL.

THEY NEVER--IT WAS LIKE I'D NEVER EXISTED.

SO, WHO ARE YOU MOST ANGRY AT?

I DON'T KNOW AT TIMES.

I GET SO CONFUSED, YOU KNOW?

I REALLY DO. MICHAEL AT TIMES.

I SEE THAT FACE AND I GET ANGRY SOMETIMES, REALLY ANGRY AT HIM.

BOB WAS VERY RAW AFTER MIGUEL DIED.

EVERYTHING HURT. EVERYTHING HURT.

IT'S LIKE THE HEART WAS OUTSIDE OF HIS CHEST.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

RICK: WHEN PEOPLE ARE DEVASTATED BY AN EVENT

AND LOSE THE REASON--YOU KNOW, ARE ASKING THEMSELVES "WHY?"

AND "WHY SHOULD I LIVE?"

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GET TO THAT DESPERATION,

SOMETIMES FAITH...

NYLDA: I THINK THAT WITH ALL I KNOW NOW,

I WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT.

I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD SAY I WOULD FEEL GUILTY,

BUT I KNOW I WAS WRONG.

I HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF.

I--I HOPE MIGUEL HAS FORGIVEN ME.

AND I--YOU KNOW, I DON'T LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT ANYMORE.

ARE YOU ANGRY AT YOUR MOTHER?

NYLDA: I'M SAD.

I'M SAD THAT SHE SUFFERED SO MUCH

AND SHE MADE SO MANY PEOPLE SUFFER.

I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT HER THINKING WOULD HAVE EVOLVED

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF-- IF IT WOULD HAVE EVER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU HOPE WOULD HAPPEN NOW?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

I WOULD LIKE TO... TO HAVE--HAVE AN--

AN OPPORTUNITY FOR RECONCILIATION.

AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM

FOR THE PAIN THAT HE WENT THROUGH...

AND ASK HIM FOR FORGIVENESS.

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE FOR HIS-- HIS PAIN TO BE HEALED.

HE CAN CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY

AND HE CAN CHOOSE TO REMAIN BITTER AND ANGRY AND HURT.

BUT WHAT IF HE CHOOSES TO HEAL?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

ROBERT: HELLO?CECILIA: HI. IT'S CECILIA.

ROBERT: CECILIA, WHOM?

CECILIA: YOU KNOW WHO I AM!

ROBERT: HA HA! WHAT'S UP, KID?

CECILIA: MY MOM ASKED ME TO CALL YOU

BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO, UM, INVITE YOU TO COME VISIT.

ROBERT: OH, GOD.CECILIA: TO ORLANDO.

SHE HAS QUITE A LOT OF AIRLINE MILES.

ROBERT: DON'T USE THEM ON ME, USE THEM ON YOUR FAMILY.

CECILIA: WELL, SHE--SHE WANTS TO USE THEM ON YOU.

ROBERT: AM I GOING TO GET THE WHOLE--

MEET THE WHOLE FAMILY NOW?

CECILIA: IF YOU LIKE.ROBERT: OK.

CECILIA: THEY'D BE VERY HAPPY TO MEET YOU.

[ROBERT LAUGHS]

ROBERT: OH, MY GOD. IT'S LIKE SEEING CARMEN.

[BOTH LAUGH]

HOW ARE YOU?GOOD TO SEE YOU.

NICE TO SEE YOU, GOOD.OH, MY GOODNESS.

GOD, YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER,

YOU REALLY DO.

MY GOODNESS.

BUT I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU A LONG TIME.

WELL, I'VE OFTEN WONDERED, YOU KNOW, I'VE THOUGHT,

"WELL, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO CALL ME OR SOMETHING?

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO GET..."

I DIDN'T HAVE YOUR INFORMATION.

I DIDN'T KNOW...

GOOGLE. YOU GOOGLE MY NAME. IT'S--

I DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

DIDN'T SOUND RIGHT?I DIDN'T KNOW THE LAST NAME.

AH, OK.

IT WAS LIKE "ROBERT, ROBERT."

ROBERT: I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME TO THINK ABOUT THINGS.

AND I NEVER REALLY FORGAVE MICHAEL.

AND I HAD SOMETHING-- I WAS LOOKING AT SOMETHING.

OH, THAT LITTLE, ROUND, OVAL PHOTO, RIGHT THERE.

AND I LOOKED AT HIM AND I SAID, "MICHAEL, FORGIVE ME.

I'M SO SORRY... FOR BEING SO THOUGHTLESS."

CECILIA: SO, WHAT DID THAT OPEN UP FOR YOU, THAT MOMENT?

WELL, IT MADE ME REALIZE

I WAS STUPID FOR FEELING-- BEING THAT WAY.

BUT SEE...LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING, YOU KNOW?

AND WE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO SUFFER.

NOT MICHAEL.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

CECILIA: HELLO?

[NYLDA SPEAKING SPANISH]

CECILIA: ARE YOU--UH, ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW?

NYLDA: I CAN TALK FOR A MINUTE.

CECILIA: OK. UH, SO, YOU KNOW, BASICALLY...

I'VE--I'VE BEEN FEELING ALL ALONG LIKE

YOU WERE A BYSTANDER TO THIS CONFLICT.

AND THAT YOU--YOU DIDN'T DO ENOUGH FOR YOUR BROTHER,

AND--AND I'M REALIZING THAT I'M--I'M HERE

TELLING THE STORY ABOUT ALL THESE PEOPLE

AND I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING ALL ALONG TO FIGURE OUT

HOW DO I--HOW DO I FORGIVE EVERYONE?

HOW DO I FORGIVE MY GRANDMOTHER FOR THE CHOICES SHE MADE?

HOW DO I FORGIVE AQUIN FOR THE HORRIBLE THINGS

HE SAID ABOUT HER?

AND I'VE NEVER, AND I'VE NEVER FORGIVEN YOU.

[NYLDA SPEAKING SPANISH]

NYLDA: IT'S JUST SO HARD.

IT WAS... IT WAS MORE COMPLICATED THAN... THAN YOU ORIGINALLY THOUGHT.

CECILIA: YEAH, IT ALWAYS IS.

YOU KNOW, I FILMED THAT REUNION WITH YOU AND--AND AQUIN.

AND IT'S SO STAGED.

YOU REMEMBER HOW RIDICULOUS THAT WAS!

IT LOOKS LIKE A PERFECT REUNION.

NYLDA: YEAH AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

CECILIA: RIGHT. HA HA!

NYLDA: YUP. YUP. YUP.

WE REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE IN COMMON.

[NYLDA SPEAKING SPANISH]

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT

CECILIA: DO YOU FEEL THAT WAY?

DO YOU EVER WANT TO CALL AQUIN?

NYLDA: NOT REALLY, I MEAN...

CECILIA: BUT ISN'T HE YOUR FAMILY?

NYLDA: NO.

HE NEVER RECOGNIZED ME AS FAMILY, I NEVER RECOGNIZED HIM AS FAMILY.

CECILIA: YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES-- SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE

I'M ON A QUEST FOR JUSTICE

ON BEHALF OF YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.

NYLDA: HUH, YOU KNOW...

WHY WAS MY LITTLE BROTHER SO INVOLVED IN HIS OWN...

WHY DIDN'T HE TAKE CARE OF ME?

WHY DID I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM?

BECAUSE I WAS THE GIRL AND I WAS THE OLDEST ONE?

HE COULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF ME, I NEEDED HIM.

CECILIA: I'M SORRY, MAMA.

NYLDA: THE BOTTOM LINE IS, THAT WE ALL NEED TO SURVIVE.

AND WE USED DIFFERENT WAYS OF SURVIVING,

ACCORDING TO OUR GIFTS, OUR LIMITATIONS AND OUR CIRCUMSTANCES.

CECILIA: YEAH, BUT WHAT I'M SAYING IS CAN'T WE SURVIVE

AND LOOK OUT FOR OTHERS ARE WELL?

NYLDA: SOMETIMES WE CAN AND SOMETIMES WE CAN'T.

MAN AS MIGUEL: I GUESS I'LL NEVER REALLY KNOW

HOW THINGS WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT FOR ME.

THAT'S THE ROAD NEVER TAKEN.

I ONLY WISH I COULD SHARE IN THIS WITH OTHERS.

ALTHOUGH I KNOW IT IS IMPOSSIBLE

TO TRANSFER THE WHOLE OF MY EXPERIENCE,

I FEEL THAT I HAVE SOMEHOW SEEN THE FACE OF GOD.

AND HAVING STARED AT DEATH, I MUST ADMIT--

I MUCH PREFER HIS TO DEATH'S...

WHATEVER AND WHOMEVER GOD TURNS OUT TO BE.

SINCERELY, MIGUEL.