Original subtitles

[moaning]

LINK! HEY, MAN, YOU HERE?

[moans]

BERNIE'S DOWNSTAIRS.

HE'LL GO AWAY.

LINK!

(Bernie) WHERE ARE YOU, MAN?

HE'S NOT GOING AWAY.

HE WILL. THERE'S NO BEER IN THE FRIDGE.

[sighs]

HE'S DRY.

[rattling]

HEY, HOMEY. EL NINO'S CALLING US, MAN.

HE'S SENDING US ONE GREEN MONSTER AFTER ANOTHER.

DUDE, NOT AVAILABLE. KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW.

HEY, SUNNY.

HEY, BERNIE.

WE COULD BE KILLING IT OUT THERE.

SURE. MAYBE I'LL DIAL IN ON YOU LATER. COMPRENDE?

SORRY, BERNIE. LOOKS LIKE HE'S FOUND A WATER SPORT HE LIKES BETTER.

YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN SURF.

(Link) STOP PEEKING, PERV.

[burps]

GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO RIDE THOSE 12-FOOTERS ALL BY MYSELF.

12-FOOTERS?

LINK.

LINK.

♪[humming]

[door closes]

HEY, DUDE.

(Sunny) DAMN YOU, LINK!

I'M SORRY, BUT THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

NO, SURFING IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.

IT IS WHEN THE WAVES ARE THIS BIG.

YOU SAID YOU'D HELP ME WITH MY CHEVY.

I'LL HELP YOU THIS AFTERNOON. I PROMISE.

MAKE TRACKS, DUDE. SHE'S GETTING HER PSYCHO TRIP ON US.

[engine starting]

[tires screeching]

GOD! BOARD HEADS.

♪ HEY ♪

♪ TO ALL MY GIRLS WHO I LOVED BEFORE ♪

♪ TO ALL MY GIRLS WHO I MET ON TOUR ♪

♪ THIS GOES OUT TO MY BOARDERS ♪

GENTLEMEN, JUST AS PROMISED

DELICIOUS BABIES AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE.

FIRM, NUBILE AND UNBELIEVABLY HORNY.

REALLY? DO YOU THINK THEY ARE?

THEY SEEM A LITTLE YOUNG FOR US.

COME ON, COME ON, YOUNG CHICKS DIG OLDER GUYS.

ESPECIALLY OLDER GUYS WHO ARE UNBELIEVABLY WEALTHY.

OH, NOW YOU'RE TALKING GOLD-DIGGERS.

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I JUST WANNA MEET SOMEBODY WHO LIKES ME

FOR WHO I AM. THAT'S ALL I WANT.

DO YOU WANT THESE WOMEN?

OF COURSE. YES.

DO YOU WANT THEM A LOT?

VERY BADLY.

GO GET THEM.

[laughing]

(Link) DUDE, WHERE ARE ALL THOSE MONSTER TUBES YOU PROMISED?

(Bernie) WE MISSED THEM

'CAUSE YOU WERE TOO BUSY TAKING A BUBBLE BATH.

I GET BIGGER WAVES FROM MY HAIR GEL.

[grunting]

HEY, MAN, SORRY.

YOU ARE.

YOU CUT ME OFF, YOU LITTLE MALIBU WANNABE.

MAN, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU SHAMU POSEUR?

I'M THE BOARD HEAD, POSEUR.

QUIT CRYING OR YOU'LL RUIN YOUR MASCARA.

LET'S SEE IF YOURS IS WATERPROOF.

[Bernie gasps]

[laughing menacingly]

(Link) BERNIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

[laughing menacingly]

(Link) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PSYCHO!

[gasping]

[both groaning]

MAN, WHEN THIS SHIT DISTURBER WAKES UP, HE'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

I KNOW.

HEY, YOU GUYS, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

OH,

HE DROWNED.

YEAH.

ANOTHER CASUALTY OF EL NINO.

(both) OH!

(Link) OH, BUT WAIT. WE CAN STILL SAVE HIM.

BUT WE NEED YOUR HELP.

WHAT CAN WE DO?

HE CAN'T BREATHE LIKE THAT, UM.

MAYBE YOU COULD ROLL HIM OVER.

[girls groaning]

HE'S HEAVY. AREN'T YOU GUYS GONNA HELP?

(both) UH...

WELL, I WISH WE COULD. BUT I HAVE A HERNIA,

AND MY FRIEND HERE IS RETARDED.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

ROLL HIM BACK.

A FULL ROTATION WILL HELP EVEN OUT THE AIR IN HIS LUNGS.

OH, THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.

[sighs]

[girls groaning]

SANTA MARIA.

HE'S GOING INTO SHOCK. JUMP ON HIS STOMACH OR SOMETHING.

(Link) PUSH ON IT. PUSH ON HIS STOMACH.

HARDER! WE'RE LOSING HIM!

[puking]

(all) YUCK!

GROSS, DUDE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S TO HELP HIM BREATHE SO HE DON'T CHOKE.

IT'S A NOSTRILECTOMY.

OH, YEAH, MY UNCLE HAD ONE OF THOSE.

IT WAS REALLY SAD.

YOU GIRLS DID GREAT. YEAH.

THANKS. THANKS.

GLAD WE COULD HELP.

(both) YEAH. US, TOO.

(both) WOW!

SHIT, I GOTTA BAIL.

COME ON, DUDE, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[groans]

SEE, NOW, THAT GUY'S SMOOTH.

YEAH, WE COULD LEARN A THING OR 2 FROM HIM.

HE'S NOTHING.

[sighs]

[clanking]

OH, SHIT.

OH, THAT BASTARD.

WHO?

AAH.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU HAD A NICE DAY.

I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, I CAN DO ALMOST EVERYTHING TO MY CAR ALONE.

BUT I CAN'T PULL THE MOTOR BY MYSELF.

OH, COME ON, LET'S JUST DO IT RIGHT NOW.

I CAN'T. I'M GOING OUT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WITH WHO?

WELL, IT COULD'VE BEEN YOU.

BUT IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT.

I THOUGHT WE HAD A DATE.

"HAD" BEING THE OPERATIVE WORD.

OPERATIVE?

ARE YOU NOT FEELING WELL?

♪ I'M GONNA BE YOUR GIRL ♪

♪ I'M GONNA BE YOUR GIRL ♪

I'M KIND OF GLAD HE SCREWED UP, THOUGH. I NEVER SEE YOU ANYMORE.

I KNOW.

MY MOTHER SAYS YOU SHOULD NEVER LET A MAN BE THE ONLY FOCUS IN YOUR LIFE.

WHY?

'CAUSE THEY GOT DICKS FOR BRAINS.

MRS. JONES, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?

OH, YEAH, IT'S RENT DAY.

OH,

LINK.

NOW, I'VE BEEN VERY GENEROUS WITH YOU.

YOU'RE 3 MONTHS BEHIND WITH THE RENT.

WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?

WHAT ELSE DOES YOUR MOTHER SAY?

THAT YOU CAN'T EVER TRUST THEM.

WHY?

'CAUSE THEY GOT DICKS FOR BRAINS.

[both laughing]

DON'T YOU FEEL GOOD? [groaning]

IT'S SO COSMIC.

WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

LOOK AT THEM, LINK. AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?

THEY'RE BRAND NEW.

LET'S BREAK THEM IN.

[moaning]

I'M TELLING YOU, SUNNY, THEY'RE SCREWING AND EATING MACHINES.

THAT'S ALL THEY DO, SCREW AND EAT.

THEY CAN GO FOR A WHILE WITHOUT EATING--

I DON'T THINK LINK'S LIKE THAT.

TRUST ME, THEY ALL ARE. IT'S A CHEMICAL THING.

[gasps]

MAMA KNOWS WHAT BABY WANTS.

[groaning]

[grunting]

I CAN'T DO THIS.

[screams]

I WIN.

JESUS, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?

IT JUST DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT.

YOUR WOODY SEEMED TO THINK IT FELT ALL RIGHT.

WELL, HE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

ARE YOU GAY?

NO. I'VE BEEN SEEING A GIRL.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING, INSTEAD OF LEADING ME ON?

OW!

LEADING YOU ON?

[door opens]

[sighs]

♪[humming]

WHAT'S THIS?

THAT'S YOUR EVICTION NOTICE.

YOU'RE KICKING ME OUT?

OH, ACTUALLY, I'VE HAD AN OFFER

TO TURN THIS SHACK INTO A LUXURY CONDO

AND I'VE JUST DECIDED TO TAKE THE DEVELOPER UP ON IT.

ALL THIS BECAUSE I WOULDN'T LET YOU DO ME?

YOU!

[hammer crashes]

(Bernie) MAN, EL NINO'S REALLY MESSING WITH US.

NOTHING BUT ANKLE-SLAPPERS.

THINK IT WILL EVER CLEAR UP?

HEY.

WHAT?

WHERE'S YOUR HEAD?

I'M THINKING HOW MY LIFE IS LIKE THE SURF.

YESTERDAY IT WAS TUBULAR. TODAY IT'S DOG PISS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GIVE HER THE BUMP AND GRIND?

I DON'T KNOW.

JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN I START THINKING ABOUT SUNNY.

SHH!

YOU'RE

[makes whipping sound]

WHIPPED, DUDE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT THAT BAD.

ALL THIS NECTAR AROUND, AND I HAVE TO GET HUNG UP ON ONE OF THEM.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CURE FOR YOU.

[whispering] PARTY.

(Ronald) HI, SWEET BABY.

HI, HONEY. HI.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE GOTTA GET OFF THE BEACH.

THANK GOD.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, WE GOTTA MEET THE GIRLS IN A MORE INTIMATE ENVIRONMENT

WHERE WE CAN, YOU KNOW, GET THE LIGHTS LOW AND DO A LITTLE ONE-ON-ONE.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

I MEAN, THESE FOXES MUST GO SOMEWHERE AT NIGHT.

IF ONLY WE KNEW WHERE.

[people chattering]

♪[music playing]

I LIKE THIS SHIRT.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE SO SAD IF THEY TEAR THIS PLACE DOWN

WITHOUT US USING THE SHOWER ONE LAST TIME.

[snickers]

AND I THOUGHT GUYS HAD A ONE-TRACK MIND.

[giggles]

[man gasping]

[screaming]

[people cheering]

YEAH!

MY! ALL THAT FOR A LIGHT BEER, HUH?

OH, LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE. HO.

OH. HO.

THIS DRESS IS SO GROOVY.

THANKS.

YEAH.

[sighs]

YOUR RIB'S HERE.

OH.

I'LL--I'LL CHECK YOU LATER.

(Kimberlee) WHATEVER.

OH, I'M SO STOKED YOU GUYS MADE IT.

HOW'S GLORIA?

UM,

WHERE'S YOUR, UH, DATE?

GEE, LINK, I HAVEN'T PICKED HIM OUT YET.

AAH!

THAT ONE LOOKS GOOD. EXCUSE ME.

SHE'S SUCH A FEISTY LITTLE ONE, ISN'T SHE?

THAT'S WHY I LIKE HER.

HEY.

I GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL, JUST FOR YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE IT TO KIMBERLEE?

OH, SHE'S YESTERYEAR.

WE'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS NOW, THAT'S ALL.

SURE.

OH, COME ON,

YOU'RE MY MAIN SQUEEZE NOW, HONEST.

I'M REALLY SORRY I SCREWED UP.

FORGIVE ME?

WANNA GRAB A BEER?

NOT IF I HAVE TO JUMP OFF A ROOF.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO. PROMISE.

♪ HEY ♪

♪ HEY ♪

♪ YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE ♪

♪ AND I HAVEN'T SEEN A BETTER ONE ♪

[hissing]

♪ I AM BETTER NOW ♪

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU POP A TIRE?

I JUST LIKE WHAT I SEE.

[sighs]

[chuckling]

WANNA BUST A MOVE?

AHEM.

♪ IF YOU GOT ♪

NOT WITH YOU, CHOLO.

COME ON, EVERYONE'S GETTING DOWN.

YEAH, EVERYBODY BUT ME.

HEY.

HEY.

YOU THINK I'M PUTTING THE MOVES ON YOU?

YEAH, AREN'T YOU?

THAT DEPENDS.

YEAH? WHAT DOES IT DEPEND ON?

HOW HORNY YOU ARE.

[giggling]

[both giggling]

♪ DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN WANTED, WANTED, WANTED ♪

♪ GOT TO FIND SOMETHING ♪

LORD ALMIGHTY, WE'VE HIT THE MOTHER LODE!

GENTLEMEN, THIS IS WHERE HARD-ONS COME TO DIE.

WOW, WOW, WOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT, HOWARD? EVEN YOU COULD SCORE HERE.

[whooping]

DON'T, 'CAUSE, DON'T.

PARTNER, LET'S RIDE.

[chuckles]

HAPPY HUNTING, GENTLEMEN.

I SAW THIS GIRL OVER THERE AND SHE'S...

BOND. JAMES BOND.

♪ YOU ARE THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪[music playing]

IT'S SO SAD THAT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

YEAH.

LOOK AT ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL PAINTINGS.

IT'S TOO BAD YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM WITH YOU.

WHO SAYS I CAN'T?

FLIPPER COMES WITH.

STEP ASIDE, BABY DOLL.

[saw whizzing]

BOB VILA, EAT YOUR HEART OUT, DUDE.

[laughing]

WHAT IS HE DOING?

HE'S TAKING DOWN HIS PAINTING.

WITH A SKILSAW?

WHY NOT? THE PLACE IS GOING TO BE GUTTED ANYWAY.

YEAH!

YOU KNOW HIM?

THAT'S MY BEST HOMEY.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU 2 WERE BUTT BUDDIES.

[girls chattering]

(girl #1) MY GOD, IT'S JUST SO IMPERSONAL.

(girl #2) I CAN ONLY IMAGINE. I MEAN, IT'S SO HURTFUL.

HOLY GOD, THERE MUST BE A LAW AGAINST LOOKING THIS SEXY.

THERE IS.

WE'RE JUST BREAKING IT.

ANYWAY, YEAH, THIS GUY WAS SUCH A CREEP.

WHERE DO GUYS LIKE THIS COME FROM ANYWAY? AHEM.

I'M, UH, I'M RONALD.

[glasses clink]

NICE CHEST HAIR.

(Conner) EVENING THERE, LITTLE DARLING. YOU SURE ARE PRETTY.

NOW, SEE? YOU LOOK GOOD IN MY HAT.

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GIVE ME A LITTLE SUGAR TO GO WITH THAT--

[yells]

[girls screaming]

I CAN'T SWIM.

(Conner) CALL A LIFEGUARD.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHAT ARE A-- WHAT ARE A, COUPLE OF TOTAL FOXES LIKE YOU

DOING STANDING HERE ALL BY YOURSELVES?

WELL, MAYBE WE'RE JUST WAITING FOR A STUD LIKE YOU TO COME ALONG.

[girls giggling]

(Stephanie) TELL ME, ARE YOU A PLAYER?

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, BABY.

YOU KNOW, I JUST MADE A HUGE COMMISSION, AND, UH.

YOU KNOW, IF I WAS TAKING A LONG DRIVE, I COULD USE THOSE AS ARM RESTS.

AND I'M LOOKING FOR A LITTLE ACTION.

[chuckling]

GOOD. 'CAUSE THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE GONNA GET A COUPLE OF FOXES IN BED

IS IF YOU PAY FOR IT.

HONEY, I--I--I--

I DON'T PAY FOR IT.

WELL, THEN YOU MUST BE VERY HORNY.

[girls chuckle]

(Ronald) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOW MUCH FOR THE BOTH OF YOU? I'VE GOT, UH--

DO YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?

WHAT A CREEP.

NOT EVERYONE'S FOR SALE, ASSHOLE.

[gasping]

[sighs]

ALL RIGHT. HOW MUCH FOR JUST YOU?

[chuckling]

♪[rock music playing]

[laughing]

OH, NO, IT'S MRS. JONES.

[police siren wailing]

[man screaming]

[people cheering]

HEY, IT WAS EMPTY.

[all cheering]

MRS. JONES, WHAT A SURPRISE.

HAVING A FEW FRIENDS OVER, ARE WE, LINK?

UH...

THEY JUST DROPPED BY.

PEOPLE CAN BE SO INCONSIDERATE.

THEY SEE A FEW HUNDRED FLYERS SAYING "PARTY"

AND THEY JUST BARGE RIGHT IN.

"EVICTION PARTY." THAT'S CUTE.

EXACTLY.

OH, OH-OH.

SOMEBODY CALLED THE COPS.

HEY, YOU, WHOSE PARTY IS THIS?

(Callahan) WHOSE APARTMENT IS THIS?

OH, I DID.

I MEAN, THE INVITATION SAID "EVERYBODY."

(Wendel) WHOSE PARTY IS THIS?

OH, EVENING, OCCIFERS.

IS THIS YOUR PARTY?

UH, WELL, YES, IT IS.

WE HAD A COMPLAINT ABOUT THE NOISE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SHUT THE PARTY DOWN.

OH, I'M SO SORRY.

YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES THE KIDS GET A HOLD OF THE VOLUME CONTROL.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, HOW KIDS ARE. THEY THINK LOUDER IS BETTER.

YOU KNOW, WILD AND CRAZY KIDS THESE DAYS.

UM...

WOULD YOU HOLD ON A SECOND?

♪ LESS THAN A GOD ♪

♪ IS WHAT YOU ARE ♪

THAT'S THAT SMOOTH OPERATOR FROM THE BEACH.

LOOK AT THOSE BABES HE'S WITH NOW.

HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

STEPHANIE, JULIE, THIS IS OFFICER WENDEL, AND OFFICER CALLAHAN.

WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME, SO I CAN SHOW YOU THE STEREO.

SO YOU CAN PERSONALLY SUPERVISE THE VOLUME CONTROL REDUCTION?

I ALWAYS FELT A UNIFORM BRINGS OUT THE MACHO IN A MAN.

[sighs]

SAY, DO YOU LIKE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE?

[exclaiming]

OH, YEAH.

OH, IT'S A SHAME YOU HAVE TO SHUT DOWN THIS PARTY, OFFICERS.

EVERYBODY'S HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MA'AM. WE'RE NOT SHUTTING IT DOWN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT SHUTTING IT DOWN?

WE COULDN'T FIND ANY VIOLATIONS.

NO VIOLATIONS? THERE ARE 200 PEOPLE IN HERE.

YOU CAN HEAR THE MUSIC BLASTING 7 BLOCKS AWAY.

PEOPLE ARE JUMPING OFF THE ROOF, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

UH, IT'S ALL WITHIN CODE, MA'AM.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME. I OWN THIS PLACE.

AND I WANT THESE PRE-PUBESCENT JUVENILE DELINQUENTS

AND THEIR BIMBETTE GIRLFRIENDS OUT OF HERE, NOW!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE, MA'AM.

ME? YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE?

YOU'RE IN VIOLATION OF ORDINANCE 415.

THAT'S "DISTURBING THE PEACE," MA'AM.

FRIGGING BOY'S CLUB.

UH, THIS IS CAR 64. OFFICER WENDEL REPORTING.

THE DISTURBANCE ON RANCHO COVE'S ABATED.

NO NEED FOR FURTHER ASSISTANCE. OVER.

(dispatcher) COPY, 64.

RADICAL.

HEY, SUNNY, I JUST STOLE HIS HANDCUFFS.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, DICK BRAIN?

BACK TO MY PARTY. YOU WANNA COME?

THAT' S ALL RIGHT, I THINK I'LL STAY OUT HERE WITH YOU.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR OWN LITTLE PARTY.

[all chanting rhythmically]

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WE GOTTA MOVE. THERE'S THIS DUDE BEHIND YOU--

I'M NOT GONNA FALL FOR THAT.

DUDE, THIS AIN'T A JEDI MIND TRICK. THERE'S THIS GUY BEHIND YOU--

(surfer) THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA MOVE IS YOUR FACE.

[clattering]

I TOLD YOU, MAGILLA GORILLA. I TRIED TO BE NICE.

YOU JUST WOULDN'T LISTEN, YOU FOOL.

GIVE ME 5.

(all) YEAH.

WELL, UM,

I GUESS I'LL PROBABLY SEE YOU AROUND,

YOU KNOW, SINCE OUR HOMEYS ARE PRACTICALLY ENGAGED AND STUFF.

YEAH.

AHEM.

FATE CAN BE CRUEL.

YOU CAN'T FIGHT DESTINY.

(all) ♪ 27 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL ♪

♪ 27 BOTTLES OF BEER ♪

♪ TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND ♪

♪ 26 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL ♪

[chuckling]

UH. UM.

I GOTTA GET GOING.

YEAH. ME, TOO.

NICE. VERY NICE.

$11,000 A MONTH FOR THIS SIEVE.

AHEM.

BY THE WAY, I FOUND SHELLEY WINTERS FLOATING FACE UP IN THE DEN.

[thunder rumbling]

I FEEL LIKE A BUFFALO JUST ATE ME UP AND SHIT ME OUT.

I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE USING MY HEAD

AS A GIANT Q-TIP TO SWAB OUT HIS BUTT.

BY THE WAY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?

A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK VENDING MACHINE CONDOM.

TANGERINE FLAVORED.

[thunder rumbling]

WHERE'S HOWARD?

HOWARD GOT LUCKY LAST NIGHT.

BULLSHIT.

[Howard snoring]

I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS.

[Howard whispering]

HOWARD, YOU HAVE A WOMAN IN YOUR BED.

CONGRATULATIONS, SON.

AND--AND--AND THERE SHE WAS, YOU KNOW, WITH THIS BEAUTIFUL HAIR AND EVERYTHING.

NEXT THING, WE'RE STANDING THERE TOGETHER.

WE BOTH NEED A RIDE, AND WE DON'T HAVE A CAR.

SO WE CATCH A CAB TOGETHER AND WE TALKED THE ENTIRE WAY HOME.

AND WE GOT ALONG REALLY WELL, AND SHE JUST WAS SO GREAT.

[chuckles]

YOU KNOW?

AND--AND--AND-- AND IT WAS LIKE SCARY.

THAT'S SO GREAT. SHUT UP.

NO, COME ON, IT WAS ROMANTIC, AND IT WAS ALL THOSE THINGS, YOU KNOW.

I'M SERIOUS, GUYS. I THINK SHE MIGHT BE THE ONE.

I REALLY LIKE HER. FOR THE FIRST TIME.

(male guest) HOWIE.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME CRASH YOUR PAD, DUDE.

PHEW.

OH, MAN.

HEY, MAN, YOU MIND IF I BORROW YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?

UH. OH, NO, NO.

COOL. MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE ROAD KILL.

UGH.

[sighs]

LORD ALMIGHTY.

(Conner) WELL, I AM NOT GONNA SPEND ANOTHER VACATION

WITH THE 3 OF US STANDING AROUND WITH OUR DICKS IN OUR HANDS.

(Ronald) NO, I--I THINK WE NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP.

AND I KNOW JUST THE GUY.

[sighing]

[thundering]

[clattering]

OH, LINK.

ARE YOU STILL HERE? I THOUGHT YOU'D BE OUT OF HERE BY NOW.

OH, YOU ARE OUT.

[Jones laughing]

JESUS, MRS. JONES. YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME.

I WAS JUST FINISHING WHAT YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS STARTED.

YOU INSPIRED ME.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU DON'T HOLD A GRUDGE.

AFTER THE WAY YOU TREATED ME, THERE'S NOTHING I WOULDN'T DO TO YOU.

I MEAN, FOR YOU.

OH, AND, LINK, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO USE ME AS A REFERENCE.

[laughs facetiously]

TOODLE-OO.

♪ NOW ONE DAY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA STARE INTO THE SUN ♪

♪ TILL IT BURNS OUT ALL THESE ♪

♪ COBWEBS ♪

♪ AND MUDDY WATER ♪

♪ THAT CLOUDS MY THOUGHTS ABOUT HER ♪

♪ OR MAYBE I'LL DRIFT OUT ON THE OCEAN ♪

♪ SO FAR OUT I CAN'T SEE THEN ♪

♪ NO ONE EVER UNDERSTANDS ♪

LOOKS LIKE YOU MAY BE IN NEED, SON.

MAYBE.

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE BUSINESS PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

I'VE SEEN YOU GUYS BEFORE.

WE WERE AT YOUR PARTY LAST NIGHT.

AND WE COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE,

YOU KNOW A LOT OF HOT-LOOKING BABES.

YEAH, I KNOW A FEW. SO?

WELL, WE WOULD LIKE TO MEET SOME OF THEM.

YOU WANNA MEET TASTIES?

(both) TASTIES?

YEAH. THOSE PERFECT, TIGHT, LITTLE BODIES YOU SAW AT MY PARTY.

LIKE, UH...

(Link) LIKE HER.

SILKY, TANNED SKIN,

CUT MUSCLES THAT JUST MELT TOGETHER.

FIRM, UPTURNED BREASTS.

ROUND BUTTS.

HONEYCOMBED HAIR.

ANGELIC FACES THAT HAVE STRAWBERRY LIPS

THAT ARE JUST BEGGING TO BE KISSED.

OH, GOD, YES, TAKE ME! JUST TAKE--

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

YOU'VE GOT DROOL RIGHT THERE, TOO.

THAT'S THE KIND OF GIRL WE WANNA MEET.

SO WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR PIMP?

LOOK, JUST GET US THE TASTIES, AND THEN WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE REST OF IT.

DIDN'T YOU GUYS MEET ANYONE AT THE PARTY?

I MEAN, SHIT, IF YOU GUYS COULDN'T HOOK UP WITH A BABE THERE...

ARE YOU CALLING US LOSERS?

LOOK, WE JUST WANT A LITTLE ADVICE ON HOW TO MEET SOME OF THE LOCAL--

(both) TASTIES.

AND WE'RE OFFERING PAYMENT FOR YOUR SERVICES.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

$200 A DAY, PLUS EXPENSES.

CHRIST, HE'S NOT WORTH THAT MUCH.

IT'S MY MONEY. I'LL BE THE JUDGE.

I THINK I MIGHT JUST BE ABLE TO FIT YOU INTO MY SCHEDULE, GENTLEMEN.

(Conner) YE-YEAH!

GOOD MORNING, MA'AM.

GUYS, GUYS, PAY ATTENTION. PAY ATTENTION.

OK.

BEFORE I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO PULL CHICKS,

I NEED TO SEE WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW.

[scoffs]

YOU MAY WANNA TAKE NOTES.

[whistling]

ALL RIGHT. IT'S UP TO YOU.

YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE GONNA DO GREAT. COME ON, GO GET HER.

[girls chattering]

PARDON ME, MISS.

BUT YOU SEEM WAY TOO PRETTY TO BE SITTING OUT HERE ALL BY YOUR LONESOME.

MY BOYFRIEND AND I JUST BROKE UP.

I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE PARTED FROM A LOVED ONE.

I HAD ME A LITTLE FILLY BACK HOME.

SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL.

HAD THE SWEETEST NATURE I'VE EVER KNOWN.

[sighs]

[stammering] HI, I'M, UH-UH-UH, I--I--

I'M, UH, I, UH, I WAS, UH--

WHEN THE GOOD LORD TOOK HER, IT ABOUT KILLED ME.

I'M SO SORRY.

YOU'RE VERY KIND.

[muttering indistinctly]

WAS SHE SICK FOR VERY LONG?

NO.

SHE BROKE HER LEG AND WE HAD TO SHOOT HER.

GOD, I MISS HER.

YOU SHOT YOUR WIFE?

NO, MY HORSE.

YOU ASSHOLE.

(girl #1) NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

(girl #2) IN YOUR DREAMS, BUDDY.

OH, MAN.

[girls giggling]

MMM, GOOD!

[girls laughing]

(both) MMM! MMM!

SOMEBODY WAKE ME UP.

BECAUSE WITH 2 WOMEN THIS GORGEOUS STANDING ON EITHER SIDE OF ME,

I MUST BE DREAMING.

NO PROBLEM.

ANY TIME.

[girls laughing]

THIS MAY BE A BIGGER PROBLEM THAN I THOUGHT.

THEY REALLY SUCK.

[seagulls cawing]

(Sunny) I LOVE THE OCEAN THIS TIME OF DAY. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH. YOU CAN GO MAD TRYING TO PAINT IT.

WHY?

WELL, WHEN THE SUN SETS, THE COLORS CHANGE SO RAPIDLY.

YOU JUST CAN'T PAINT AS FAST.

HAVE YOU TRIED IT LATELY?

PAINTING?

UH, NO, I'VE BEEN KIND OF BUSY.

SUDS AND SURF?

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I GOT A JOB.

REALLY?

INDEED.

DOING WHAT?

UH, WELL, UM...

I'M TEACHING A COUPLE OF OLDER GUYS ABOUT, UH, BEACH CULTURE.

HEY, THAT SOUNDS COOL. WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING THEM?

WELL, LOTS OF STUFF.

LIKE?

LIKE, UH, HOW TO MEET BABES,

UM, CATCH A PERFECT TAN--

OF ALL THE DUMB THINGS YOU'VE DONE, NOW YOU'RE A PIMP?

I'M NOT A PIMP.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP THEM GET THEIR ACTS TOGETHER

SO THAT--THAT THEY CAN MEET GIRLS ON THEIR OWN.

AND WHAT MAKES YOU SUCH AN EXPERT?

LOOK WHO I SCORED.

(Link) OK, IF YOU WANNA PULL CHICKS,

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT'S FLYING, WHAT'S WHACK.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE NOT DOWN WITH WHO'S IN AND WHO'S OVER,

THEN YOU'RE OUT, GENTLEMEN.

HUH?

COME AGAIN?

WE'RE GONNA TEACH Y'ALL HOW NOT TO BE GEEKS.

WHO'S THAT?

THIS IS BERNIE.

MY TRUSTED AND NORMALLY SILENT ASSISTANT.

WE'RE GONNA TEACH YOU SORT OF A CRASH COURSE IN BEACH CULTURE.

(Link) NOW, LESSON NUMBER ONE--

MUSIC IS KEY.

♪[rock music playing]

WOW, UH, I REALLY LIKE THE AUDIO COMPOSITING IN--IN THIS,

BECAUSE THEY USE THAT D.A.T. RECORDING

TO GET THAT MANY SOUNDS PER SECOND.

REMEMBER I WAS TELLING YOU ON THE PLANE?

SHUT UP.

OK, CHECK THIS.

CALIFORNIA'S HOTTEST POWER SURF BAND.

IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?

IF YOU WANNA KNOW HOW TO PULL CHICKS,

YOU GOTTA KNOW WHAT STIMULATES THEM.

I GOT THEIR STIMULATION RIGHT HERE.

[sighs]

JUST COOL IT, ROMEO.

THE TRICK TO PULLING CHICKS IS NOT TO JUST HAND THEM A LINE.

YOU GOTTA JUST TREAT THEM LIKE REAL PEOPLE,

AND TALK TO THEM REAL SMOOTH LIKE.

YEAH.

(Ronald) I SEE WHAT I LIKE.

GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, LISTEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

HI.

YOU SAID--

YOU SAID LAST NIGHT THAT TODAY WE WERE GONNA BE PULLING CHICKS.

YEAH, YOU WILL..

BUT FIRST WE GOTTA GET YOU STYLIN'.

HOOK YOU UP WITH A NEW LOOK

AND SOME REALLY FLY GEAR.

'CAUSE RETRO IS IN.

YEAH.

SO WE'RE GONNA TEACH YOU HOW NOT TO LOOK LIKE GEEKS.

ALL RIGHT! YOU DUDES ARE STYLIN' NOW.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WALK THE WALK,

YOU ALSO GOTTA TALK THE TALK,

SO THE TASTIES DON'T VIBE YOU OUT.

WE'RE GONNA TEACH Y'ALL--

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, WE GOT IT.

HE'S GONNA TEACH US HOW TO NOT TALK LIKE GEEKS.

YEAH.

OK, IF YOU WERE IN FRANCE, YOU'D LEARN FRENCH, RIGHT?

BONJOUR.

(Link) SO, YOU'RE GONNA LEARN BEACH.

SEE, BEACH SPEAK IS ABOUT SURFING, PARTYING, AND PULLING CHICKS.

(both) STUFF THAT REALLY MATTERS.

YEAH.

(Link) NOW, A LOT OF WORDS COME FROM BEACH SPEAK,

BUT CAN BE USED IN OTHER SCENARIOS.

OK, ATTRACTIVE WOMEN ARE CALLED TASTIES.

BUTTER.

NECTAR.

IF YOU'RE GOOD, YOU'RE...

(both) WICKED!

YEAH!

IF YOU'RE REALLY GOOD...

YOU'RE THE SHIT!

YEAH.

OK, OK, I WANNA TRY IT. I'M A SHIT.

NO, MAN.

TSK!

THAT MEANS YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

NO, BUT HE--HE JUST SAID THAT BEING A SHIT WAS GOOD.

NO, DUDE. YOU WANNA...

YOU DON'T WANNA BE "A SHIT," YOU WANNA BE "THE SHIT."

OK, OK. I'M THE SHITS.

NO, DUDE. THAT MEANS YOU SUCK.

NO BUT HE JUST...

YOU-- AND THEN YOU SAID THAT SHIT... UH, SHIT.

THIS IS SHIT.

IT'S 2 DIFFERENT KINDS OF SHIT, MAN.

YOU TALK ABOUT SHIT?

IS THERE A PROBLEM, DUDE?

[laughing]

THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT.

UH, YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO PULL CHICKS.

YEAH, WE WANNA PULL CHICKS.

WE DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL US HOW TO TALK.

HI, GUYS.

(both) HEY!

(girl) DID YOU GET THE 411 ON PINHEAD?

HE WAS PETTING THE CAT ON THIS CLEAN PEELER

AND HE GOT TOTALLY PROSECUTED BY THIS GNARLY MACKER.

DUDE GOT DUMPED.

OH, DIAL IN ON ME LATER.

WHERE?

UH, WE'LL BE VEGGING AT THE SHACK.

IT'LL BE SKEGGIN'. BRING YOUR FRIENDS.

LATRONIC.

(both) CIAO.

THEY NEED TO TEACH US HOW TO TALK.

YEAH, I THINK WE--WE MAY VERY WELL BE GEEKS.

I'M COMPLETELY--

VERY SORRY ABOUT THAT OUTBURST.

WHAT WAS THAT FRENCH THING AGAIN?

♪[music playing]

WHOA!

WHOA!

NEATO. I MEAN, IT REALLY, UH, FAR OUT.

UH, I MEAN, NO, UH, UH, WICKED. WICKED.

ALL RIGHT, YOU MACK DADDIES,

YOU'RE HIP, YOU'RE STYLIN',

AND YOU'RE SWIMMING IN BUTTER.

SO GO SPREAD SOME, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T WAIT UP.

[sighing]

WOW!

DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY CAN PULL ANY CHICKS?

DUDE, HOW CAN THEY FAIL?

THEY'VE GOT THE PRIMO TEACHERS.

HEY, YOU WANNA BUST A MOVE?

OH, UH,

CHA, I'M FLAMING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SUCH A 'ROID.

OH, NO, NO, NO, WAIT. COME BACK.

I--I, UH, I'VE GOT THE POWER.

YEE-HA!

HEY, KILLER LOCKS.

OH, HEY, THANKS.

UM, UH,

HEY, UH, YOU WANNA WHACK THE WEEDER?

HUH!

[giggling]

(Link) YUM. MMM.

[girl giggling]

THAT WAS REALLY SPECIAL.

(Kimberlee) I'VE SAID THIS BEFORE,

BUT YOU HAVE THE COOLEST EYES I HAVE EVER SEEN.

HA, HA.

WELL, THAT'S SO I CAN SEE YOU BETTER.

[girls laughing]

I WOULDN'T LET IT GET TO YOUR HEAD, HOMEY. SHE'S LACQUERED.

UH, WOULD YOU LET THE LADY TALK? SHE'S DOING JUST FINE.

SKANK.

UH.

MMM, JUST 'CAUSE HE'S TAKEN DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T TRY.

YEAH, DOESN'T MEAN SHE CAN'T TRY.

[giggling]

OOH, TRY.

I THINK WE SHOULD GO CHECK UP ON THE GEEKS.

WOULD YOU CHILL OUT, DUDE?

I MEAN, HOW MUCH TROUBLE CAN THEY POSSIBLY GET IN?

(Link) CHEERS!

YOU KNOW, A BOSS CHICK LIKE YOU

IS WASTED ON THESE BOARD HEADS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE AND GET BUSY, HUH?

HOW ABOUT SHE'S WITH ME, HONDO, HUH?

BOGUS.

[Ronald grunting]

[crashing]

[girls screaming]

[bottles smashing]

THIS IS TOTALLY BOGUS!

I WONDER WHICH GILLIGAN STARTED THIS WHOLE MESS.

[glass shattering]

THIS IS LOCO, MAN.

THERE'S NEVER BEEN A FIGHT IN THE CREAM ROOM.

WHOA!

GET OUT OF HERE!

HEY, YOU BIG APE!

WHY DON'T YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY BOYFRIEND?

COME HERE, SON.

WHERE I COME FROM, YOU NEVER HIT A GIRL.

[grunts]

THAT'S 7.

THAT'S 14.

[thuds]

THAT'S 21.

[crashing]

YOU MIGHT WANNA PUT SOME ICE ON THAT.

IT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK.

OK, WHO'S NEXT?

[waves breaking]

[glass clinking]

(Conner) WE REALLY FLAILED LAST NIGHT.

YEAH.

MAYBE I SHOULD, LIKE,

GIVE YOU GUYS YOUR MONEY BACK.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM, LINK. WE-WE'RE JUST HOPELESS.

HEY, DIDN'T I SEE YOU DUDES AT THE CREAM ROOM LAST NIGHT?

YEAH, I'M THE SHIT-DISTURBER THAT CAUSED ALL THE DRAMA.

OH, THE WHOLE SCENARIO WAS SERIOUSLY WARPED.

WORD, MAN. EVERYONE WAS SCRAPPING. WE ALMOST GOT OUR ASSES CAPPED.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN HEINOUS.

ALL RIGHT!

HEY, YOU'RE THE BENNY WHO KEPT THAT SCHMOO

FROM BANGING THE BOTTLE OVER MY HEAD.

I COULDN'T LET HIM DING YOUR DOME.

THANKS.

(Conner) RIGHT ON.

LOOK AT THOSE CLEAN PEELERS.

AWESOME! LET'S GO SHARKING.

WE GOTTA BAIL.

BYE.

LATRONIC.

DUDES, YOU JUST PULLED SOME CHICKS.

WE DID?

DEFINITIVO!

YEAH!

(Link) RONALD, YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM A LINE.

AND, CONNER, YOU WEREN'T A HICK.

AND, HOWARD, YOU FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT, DUDE.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

WE'RE PLAYERS!

MACK DADDIES!

WE ARE THE SHIT.

[whooping]

YES!

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO.

PARTY!

(all) PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

WHAT?

WE NEED A THEME, DUDE.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE--

CHILL!

(Bernie) HE'S IN THE 6TH ELEMENT WITH THE PARTY GODS.

I GOT IT!

(Link) HEY,

WE SET UP A MISS BIKINI OLYMPICS CONTEST.

[laughing]

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN IS GONNA WANNA COMPETE

IN AN OLYMPIC EVENT WEARING A BIKINI?

THE KIND THESE GUYS WANNA MEET.

YEAH. DUH.

(Link) ALL THE EVENTS WILL TAKE PLACE ON THE BEACH OR IN THE WATER.

IT'S A NATURAL PLACE FOR A BIKINI.

YEAH, RIGHT. IT'S JUST AN EXCUSE TO SHOW SKIN.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? REALLY, TELL ME 'CAUSE

ARTISTS HAVE BEEN DEPICTING THE FEMININE FORM FOR BILLIONS OF YEARS.

EXPLOITING IT.

EXPOSING, EXPLOITING. WHATEVER.

HE'S RIGHT. LOOK AT BOTTICELLI'S BIRTH OF VENUS.

RUBENS' SIRENS.

THE GREEK'S APHRODITE.

HUGH HEFNER'S CENTERFOLDS.

[laughing]

WE'LL HAVE THE EVENTS

WHERE YOU COMPETE IN A BEAUTY PAGEANT FOR MISS BIKINI OLYMPIA.

YEAH, LIKE A BIKINI CONTEST.

YEAH.

WE COULD BROADCAST THE EVENT AND MAKE A FORTUNE.

(Conner) HOWARD COULD HOOK US UP

TO A SATELLITE FEED. COULDN'T YOU?

(Howard) I COULD DO THAT.

(Ronald) I'LL DO THE SALES.

AT YOUR USUAL FEE, I MIGHT ADD.

YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY,

HOW MUCH ARE YOU THINKING OF OFFERING THE WINNER?

YEAH, INTERESTING.

DON'T TELL HER. YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW.

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A FORTUNE.

OK, OK.

$10,000 PER EVENT

PLUS $50,000 FOR MISS BIKINI OLYMPIA. WOULD THAT-- WOULD THAT BE ENOUGH?

$50,000?

WE'LL OFFER ENOUGH SO THAT THE PRETTIEST WOMEN ON THE BEACH ARE GONNA WANNA COMPETE.

I CAN OPEN MY AUTO REPAIR SHOP. $50,000?

YEAH, YOU COULD.

I MUST BE THE ONLY DUDE WHOSE CHICK IS INTO CARS.

HE'S THREATENED BY THAT.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CHICK MECHANIC?

I'VE SEEN SOME GREASY CHASSIS.

[laughing]

BOOGIE BOARDING. SIGN ME UP.

YOU?

YEAH, ME.

(Howard) HERE WE GO.

(Sunny) WHY, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

WELL, NO.

I MEAN YOU'RE VERY GOOD AND ALL, BUT--

BUT I'M NOT AS GOOD AS KIMBERLEE.

SHE'S SOUTH COAST CHAMPION.

LIKE YOU SAID--

"YESTERYEAR."

[all chattering]

(Link) PASS THE JOINT, DUDE.

♪ ANY TIME I KISS HER ON THE EARS AND NECK ♪

♪ THIS GIRL NAMED CHARLENE, SHE ACTS SO MEAN ♪

♪ ANY TIME WE HAVE SEX ♪

♪ SHE SCREAMS LIKE A SIREN ♪

♪ THIS GIRL NAMED TIKARO ♪

OK. BEACH VOLLEYBALL.

HI.

HI, PEPPY.

I'VE NEVER BEEN VERY ATHLETIC, UM, BUT I REALLY WANNA TRY OUT FOR SOMETHING.

ALL-RIGHTY. PADDLEBALL?

UH, FRISBEE? SWIMMING?

WHAT ARE THE RULES AGAIN?

UH, ANY BEACH SPORT QUALIFIES, AS LONG AS YOU'RE WEARING A BIKINI.

I'M REALLY GOOD AT SANDCASTLE BUILDING.

BERNIE, NEW EVENT: SANDCASTLE BUILDING.

SORRY, GUYS. I REALLY HAD TO PEE.

NEXT GIRL, PLEASE.

UH, HI, WOW.

UH, SO YOUR NAME IS ILYSA.

YEAH.

YEAH. AND I SEE HERE THAT YOU'RE DOWN FOR SURFING.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GOOD AT ANYTHING.

YEAH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

WOW.

WELL, I--I CAN'T READ YOUR NEXT EVENT.

BUT IT SAYS, WHAT IS THAT, TUG OF WAR?

YEAH. I'LL SHOW YOU.

YIKES!

WELL, HUSH MY MOUTH.

...GRAND PRIZE OF $50,000.

THAT'S RIGHT. $50,000.

ALL DECISIONS WILL BE MADE BY OUR OFFICIAL JUDGES

AND ALL DECISIONS WILL BE FINAL.

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE ARRIVED.

AIN'T IT THE SHIT?

WE ARE GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE ON THE T.V. RIGHTS.

YEE-HA!

HEY.

WHICH ONE OF YOU MACK DADDIES WILL RUB A LITTLE JUICE ON MY BACK?

(both) I-- I'LL

I'LL BE JUICING HER UP.

C-C-COME HERE. DADDY, DADDY WILL DO THE JUICING.

MACK OR NO MACK,

THAT IS THE QUESTION.

I DON'T WANNA BURN FOR THE BEAUTY CONTEST TOMORROW NIGHT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BURN. YOU HOLD THAT.

I'M GONNA CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

KIMBERLEE.

'CAUSE I'M GONNA WATCH LITTLE KIMBERLEE BUST A FEW.

NOW, TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

HI THERE. OH, HI.

IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT, WOULD YOU GIVE US

SOME POINTERS ON OUR PADDLEBALL?

ABSOLUTELY. I WOULD LOVE THAT.

OH, GREAT, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE WE WANNA WORK ON OUR TECHNIQUE.

WE WANNA MAKE SURE WE GOT IT RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SCORE BIG. SCORE BIG.

[laughing]

READY?

♪ ANY TIME I KISS HER ♪

♪ ON THE EARS AND NECK ♪

♪ THIS GIRL NAMED CHARLENE ♪

♪ SHE ACTS SO MEAN ♪

UM, CAN YOU HELP ME FASTEN IT? IT WON'T STAY.

(Julie) MAKE IT REALLY TIGHT. I MEAN, CAN YOU?

YEAH, I CAN DO IT. I--

HEY, MINE NEEDS ADJUSTMENT, TOO.

HE WAS HELPING ME.

EXCUSE ME. I SAW HIM FIRST, YOU SKANK.

WHO SAYS, YOU MOFO.

YOU SKEEZ BITCH! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

PLEASE, LADIES, CONTROL YOURSELVES.

PLEASE, STAND ASIDE! STAND BACK! STAND BACK!

YOU'RE A SLUT!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

OH.

OH.

GOOD THING I CAME ALONG WHEN I DID.

THOSE GIRLS WERE GONNA TEAR YOU APART.

SO WHAT? DID YOU SEE WHAT WAS HAPPENING OUT THERE, HUH?

IT WAS PARADISE, MAN. THOSE GIRLS WERE JUST--

HOWARD! HOWARD! CIRCLE YOUR WAGONS, BOY!

THOSE GIRLS DIDN'T WANT YOU FOR YOU.

THEY WANTED YOU FOR YOUR JUDGESHIP.

TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, SON. TURN IT INSIDE OUT.

WE'RE WALKING TARGETS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

OH.

CAN YOU SAY "HOOKER"?

KIMBERLEE SKANK BANK.

WHORE.

SLUT.

EWWW.

GOOD LUCK.

THANKS.

YOU DON'T NEED MUCH LUCK, SINCE LINK'S ONE OF THE JUDGES.

ARE YOU SAYING HE WON'T BE FAIR?

HE'S YOUR FRIEND, TOO.

YEAH. BUT HE'S SLEEPING WITH YOU, NOT ME.

YEAH. AND I PLAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

HOW IS IT, LADIES?

WHY THE GLOOM AND DOOM?

OH, JUST PRE-EVENT JITTERS.

WOULD A FULL FRONTAL MASSAGE CALM YOU DOWN?

LINK, I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD JUDGE THIS EVENT.

REALLY?

SOME PEOPLE MIGHT THINK IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE IMPARTIAL TO ME.

WELL, THAT'S RETARDED. EITHER YOU DOMINATE THE WAVES OR YOU DON'T.

SHE MIGHT HAVE A POINT.

FINE. I'LL WITHDRAW FROM THIS EVENT.

WELL, DON'T GET POUTY.

I GOTTA GO TAKE CARE OF HIM. HE'S SUCH A LITTLE WUSS.

IF YOU TUNED IN TO SEE SOME YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

COMPETING IN PRACTICALLY NOTHING,

YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

WE'RE HERE AT THE WORLD'S FIRST BIKINI OLYMPICS

BRINGING YOU LIVE COVERAGE OF TODAY'S OPENING EVENTS

WHERE THE COMPETITIVE SPIRIT IN THE HULA-HOOP COMPETITION

HAS REACHED EPIC PROPORTION.

TODAY'S CONTESTANTS HAVE TRIED IN VAIN

TO INFLUENCE THESE OBJECTIVE, UNBIASED JUDGES

WHO RATE POTENTIAL MISS BIKINIS

FOR THEIR TALENT, GRACE, AND AGILITY.

[speaking in Chinese]

HI, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

BONNIE.

WELL, HI, BONNIE. CAN YOU SAY HI TO A BILLION CHINESE PEOPLE?

[speaking in Chinese]

(Brent) THESE GIRLS HAVE SHOWN ZEN-LIKE MASTERY

OVER THE ELEGANT TECHNIQUE OF KITE FLYING

AND THE PRECISION OF THE NOBLE CARTWHEEL.

WHAT SOME CALL FUN, OUR CONTENDERS CALL SPORT.

I GAVE HER A 6.9.

(Brent) WITHOUT SUCH EFFORT AS THIS

THERE COULD NOT BE THE TRIUMPH OF VICTORY OR THE AGONY OF DEFEAT.

HOW'S THAT TASTY?

YEAH, BABY!

[grunting]

[whooping]

(Brent) ALTHOUGH THE DAY WAS FILLED WITH

SMILES, SUN, SAND, AND BEAUTIFUL BLUE SKIES,

THE CONTEST WAS NOT ALL FUN AND GAMES.

TWO OF THE AFTERNOON EVENTS BECAME MARKED BY CONTROVERSY.

THERE WAS SOME SPECULATION AS TO THE MOTIVE

OF THE NEAR DECAPITATION OF ONE OF THE JUDGES

DURING THE FRISBEE TOSS.

OH!

NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE CONTESTANT WAS DISQUALIFIED.

[laughing]

DURING THE BOOGIE BOARDING FINAL, SCANDAL ROCKED THE COMPETITION.

WHEN LOCAL FAVORITE, SUNNY THOMAS, EXECUTED A NEAR PERFECT WAVE

ONLY TO BE UPSTAGED

BY THE TABLOID-LIKE TACTICS OF KIMBERLEE HIGHNESS.

(male voice) HYNES. HYNES.

WHATEVER.

DID SHE ACCIDENTALLY LOSE HER TOP

OR IS SHE THE TONYA HARDING OF THE SURF SET?

[cheering]

WHATEVER YOUR ANGLE, MISS HYNES,

YOU CERTAINLY CAUGHT THE JUDGES' ATTENTION.

THIS IS BRENT BRONSON

COMING TO YOU LIVE WITH THIS TOUGH ASSIGNMENT FROM MALIBU BEACH.

BACK TO YOU GUYS AT CHANNEL 3.

GOD, SHE'S SUCH A SLUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU DATED THAT.

HEY, I WAS YOUNG AND INNOCENT, OK?

I'M GROWN UP NOW. I AM.

WHAT DID I DO?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, BERNIE. OUR RATINGS JUST SOARED.

[camera clicks]

GET READY TO DIE, YOU ZONEHEAD FREAKS.

COME TO DADDY.

C'MON.

WOW, MISTER, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY GET UP TO LEVEL 20 BEFORE.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO PLAY?

I OUGHT TO BE PRETTY GOOD, KID. I INVENTED THE GAME.

WOW, MY FAVORITE GAME.

REALLY, IT'S YOUR FAVORITE GAME?

YEAH.

HOWARD. HOWARD.

UM, KID, I GOT AN IDEA. TAKE OVER, TAKE OVER. GO ON.

WOW.

I WAS JUST--

THIS IS NOT THE WAY, HOWARD. THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT THE WAY.

WE'RE HERE TO PICK UP CHICKS, OK?

[people chattering]

(Patti) HELP! HELP ME! HELP!

OH, MY GOD! I'M GOING DOWN!

[screams]

HELP. OH, MY GOD.

I'M GOING DOWN.

I'M HERE!

[screaming]

(Patti) OH.

OH. OH. OH.

OH. OH. OH.

MY LEG, MY LEG IS CRAMPED.

HERE, LET ME RUB IT OUT FOR YOU.

OH, OH, OH.

I COULDN'T SWIM BACK. THE TIDE JUST KEPT PULLING ME BACK.

THANKS.

MY PLEASURE.

WHERE ARE YOUR, UH, LIFEGUARD TRUNKS?

OH, I'M NOT A LIFEGUARD.

I HAD SOME RESCUE TRAINING IN THE NAVY.

I'M A LUCKY GIRL.

[birds chirping]

(Ronald) HUH.

ANYWAY, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU YOUR $10,000 CHECK PERSONALLY.

OH, HOW SWEET.

WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING IT FOR ME?

I, UH, DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO PUT IT.

I'LL PICK IT UP FROM YOU LATER TONIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK MY CHANCES ARE

OF WINNING THE MISS BIKINI TITLE?

WELL, IF IT WASN'T FOR SUNNY, I'D SAY YOU ARE A SHOO-IN.

OH.

SHE'S SUCH A DOWNER.

LISTEN, I WANT THAT CROWN.

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU PROPOSING?

YOU'RE NOT DRESSED YET?

I'M NOT GONNA GO.

OH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT GOING?

YOU'RE GONNA THROW HIM BACK INTO HER ARMS.

HE'S PROBABLY THERE ALREADY.

CAN I BORROW THIS?

SURE.

THANK YOU.

HOW DO I LOOK?

GORGEOUS.

WELL, THANK YOU. HE DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE.

HERE. SIT UP.

[grunts]

THIS IS TO A GREAT PARTY.

CHEERS.

[laughing]

SORRY.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO.

YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR ASS AND START THINKING

ABOUT YOUR $50,000 AND YOUR AUTO SHOP.

[vehicle honking]

[gasps]

THERE'S A LIMO OUTSIDE.

OH. OO-LA-LA.

♪[music playing]

(Bernie) MAN, YOU'RE LUCKY IF SHE SHOWS UP.

DUDE, IT'S NOT MY FAULT KIMBERLEE WON.

YOU'RE THE BONEHEAD WHO GAVE HER 110.

HER KNOCKERS DESERVED 110.

BESIDES, IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU USED TO DATE HER.

NOW, IF SUNNY DON'T MAKE IT,

THAT MEANS GLORIA DOESN'T HAVE A CHANCE TO, EITHER.

WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU GUYS JUST FIGHT ANYWAY.

I KNOW. THAT CHICK PISSES ME OFF!

WHERE'S SUNNY? I GOTTA FIND SUNNY.

OH. OH.

[grunting]

WHOA!

BITCHING!

[waves breaking]

THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME.

CHECK IT OUT.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE AN INVITATION?

WELL, ACTUALLY...

NO.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

GO AHEAD. I'LL BE IN THERE.

INVITATION.

(Mrs. Jones) IT'S REALLY OK. I KNOW EVERYONE.

(Frank) WITHOUT AN INVITATION, I CAN'T LET YOU IN.

I KNOW THE PERSON WHO OWNS THE PLACE. OK. WHERE DO I GET AN INVITATION?

DO YOU HAVE ONE IN HERE?

WHAT'S THE HAPS, FRANK?

THIS LADY DOESN'T HAVE AN INVITATION.

OH.

(Link) WELL, LET HER IN. CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S NECTAR?

EUNUCH.

GOOD EVENING, MRS. JONES.

GOOD EVENING TO YOU.

[vehicle honking]

WHOA!

WHOA, WHAT'S GOING ON?

NO SE, HOMBRE.

(Link) WHOA!

DAMN, THEY ACTUALLY LOOK COOL.

OH, BABY! WE HAVE ARRIVED.

HI, GUYS.

LINK, I HAVE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.

HEY, LINK.

I SMELL TROUBLE, HOMEY.

UH, HI, KIMBERLEE. CAN WE TALK LATER?

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT YOU THINK OF MY NEW BATHING SUIT.

WOW.

FEEL HOW SMOOTH IT IS.

OH, OH.

(Bernie) AHEM.

YEAH. COOL, UM.

I GOTTA JAM. BUT THANKS FOR THAT.

(Link) HEY, MAN.

GREAT PARTY, MAN!

TUBULAR, DUDE, TUBULAR!

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, WE GAVE THE GIRLS A RIDE.

NOT A PROBLEM. GO AHEAD.

LET'S GO PULL SOME SUPERFLY CHICKS, GUYS.

COME ON, BERNIE, LET'S GO GET A DRINK.

WHAT'S YOUR RUSH?

(Gloria) DON'T DEFY ME.

HEY, SUNNY, WHY THE LOCKOUT?

WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

I'M TRYING TO, BUT SHE WON'T LOOK AT ME.

SHE WAS LOOKING AT YOU PRETTY GOOD A FEW SECONDS AGO.

COME ON, SHE WAS JUST ASKING ME ABOUT HER BIKINI.

REALLY?

DID YOU TELL HER HOW BITCHING HER BODACIOUS BOOBS LOOKED?

ALL THAT SEX STUFF IS BEHIND US.

WE JUST TEASE EACH OTHER A LOT, THAT'S ALL.

WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS MAKE EXCUSES?

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO THINK WITH YOUR OTHER HEAD?

WHY AM I HAVING THIS CONVERSATION? SCREW YOU!

OHHH!

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE ARE.

YOU ALL BE CAREFUL OF THOSE DRINKS.

THOSE UMBRELLAS CAN BE DANGEROUS. SOMEBODY COULD LOSE AN EYE.

SOMETHING THIS SMALL, I SHOULD WORRY?

HMM.

(Wendel) HEY, SUNNY, GREAT PARTY!

YEAH, GREAT PARTY!

THANKS FOR INTRODUCING ME TO JULIE. SHE'S GREAT.

I'VE BEEN TEACHING HIM THE SWEDISH TONGUE.

(Wendel) WHOO.

SO, SUNNY, WHERE'S LINK?

HOPEFULLY SOME PLACE WITH HIS HEAD BURIED IN THE SAND.

WE'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

HEY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

LINK?

YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST IMMATURE.

YOU, UH, JUST GIVE HIM A FEW YEARS.

A FEW YEARS?

NOPE. I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE YOU

TO PULL SOME CHICKS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'D--I'D LOOK MUCH MORE APPEALING

WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ON MY ARM.

YOU GOTTA GO.

ME?

THERE'S A PRIZE.

I COULDN'T.

COME ON.

OK, OK, OK, HERE WE GO.

ARE YOU OK?

[sighs]

UM, PATTI, HEY PATTI.

HEY, HEY.

HEY.

I'M GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

YEAH. WELL, UH,

IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR PAGEANT IS A BIG SUCCESS.

YEAH, YEAH, IT'S RAGING, AS THEY SAY.

[grunts]

YEAH!

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

UH, SHOULDN'T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR FRIEND OVER THERE?

WHO?

THE PRETTY GIRL YOU WERE WITH.

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE, UH, MOUTH.

NO, SHE'S--SHE'S A LITTLE YOUNG FOR ME.

I PREFER A MORE MATURE WOMAN.

THAT IS SO REFRESHING.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW SICK I AM OF OLDER MEN

MAKING A FOOL OF THEMSELVES OVER YOUNG GIRLS.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YOU WANT A BEER?

IT'S A CLASSY PARTY.

YOU WANT IT IN A GLASS?

UGH, YOU'RE SUCH A JERK.

HEY, I DIDN'T SCREW UP, LINK DID. SO CHILL!

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION.

MAN!

DOS BEERS, PLEASE.

UGH!

CHAMPAGNE?

FINE.

[laughing]

[grunts]

HEY, THIRSTY?

DEFINITELY.

UM, MAKE MINE A DOUBLE ZOMBIE.

MAKE THAT 2 DOUBLE ZOMBIES.

2 DOUBLE ZOMBIES, IT IS.

UH, I'LL NEED TO SEE SOME I.D., MISS.

I LOVE IT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS? I DON'T HAVE ANY I.D.--

I'LL VOUCH FOR HER. SHE'S GOOD FOR IT.

HE'LL VOUCH FOR ME. I'M GOOD FOR IT.

[sighs]

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN UPSTAGED.

DO YOU MIND MY ASKING, UH, WHY YOU'RE SO BUMMED, UH, ABOUT LINK?

HE'S EASILY DISTRACTED

BY KIMBERLEE.

AH, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR HAVING AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT?

SHE JUST WON'T LISTEN. SHE SAID SHE'S TIRED OF ALL MY EXCUSES.

THEN STOP MAKING EXCUSES. GROW UP.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT SHE'S WAITING FOR.

[laughing maniacally]

OK, LET'S GET THIS BEAUTY CONTEST GOING.

YES.

YEAH! YOU GUYS ARE TOTALLY JAMMING.

OK, PEOPLE, LISTEN UP!

IT'S TIME TO GET THE BEAUTY PAGEANT STARTED

FOR MISS BIKINI OLYMPIA!

THIS IS LINDA.

AND SHE'S THE COOLEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

AND ONE TIME I ASKED HIM ABOUT IT

AND HE SAID THAT YOU TWO HAD AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

(Link) OK, I NEED THE TOP 2 WINNERS...

(Ronald) THAT'S YOUR EVENT. GO GET 'EM!

I'M NOT ENTERING.

(Link) IN THEIR BIKINIS, OF COURSE.

[whooping]

YAH!

[crowd cheering]

UH...

THE GUYS AND I THOUGHT WE'D HAVE A LITTLE FUN JUDGING THE EVENTS TODAY.

SO WE THOUGHT WE'D LET YOU, OUR FAITHFUL AND HORNY AUDIENCE,

BE THE JUDGE OF MISS BIKINI!

LADIES, IT'S SHOWTIME.

♪[Buffalo Jump by Sit-'N'-Spin]

♪ COME ON, EVERYBODY, DO THE BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ ALL AROUND ♪

♪ FIRST, YOU GOT TO RUN IN PLACE ♪

♪ AND THEN YOU RUN AROUND ♪

♪ JUMP! ♪

♪ JUMP, JUMP, BUFFALO JUMP ♪

GNARLY!

HOLY SHIT!

♪ COME ON, EVERYBODY, DO THE BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ ALL AROUND ♪

♪ FIRST, YOU GOT TO RUN IN PLACE ♪

♪ AND THEN YOU RUN AROUND ♪

♪ JUMP! JUMP, JUMP ♪

[laughing]

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. HAVE A BLAST.

NO!

[groaning]

[cheering continues]

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN SUNNY?

ISN'T SHE BACKSTAGE?

NO.

THE CONTEST IS ABOUT OVER.

MAYBE SHE'S WITH LINK.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IF SHE'S NOT HERE SOON

THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE THE PRIZE MONEY TO KIMBERLEE.

SHIT.

COME ON, GLORIA. LET'S GO LOOK FOR HER.

(secretary) SIGNATURE, PLEASE.

(Brent) DON'T MIND ME ASKING,

BUT WHY IS YOUR NAME THE ONLY ONE ON THE SERIES CONTRACT?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

IT WAS A MAJOR BATTLE TO CONVINCE MY PARTNERS

TO GO IN FOR THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU'RE KIDDING. NO.

THE IDEA OF GETTING THEM INTERESTED IN AN ANNUAL BROADCAST

IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

(Brent) TOO BAD.

YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SPEND ALL THE MILLIONS

THIS SHOW GENERATES BY YOURSELF.

AND YOUR SIGNATURE, PLEASE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I APPRECIATE IT.

[cheering continues]

HOWARD, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO AHEAD AND ANNOUNCE THE WINNER.

WE CAN'T WAIT FOR LINK ANY LONGER.

I KNOW. BUT IT'S SUCH A BUMMER.

SUNNY REALLY HAD A CHANCE, YOU KNOW.

THERE YOU ARE. WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE UP ON STAGE.

I'M NOT COMPETING.

OH, WHAT DID LINK DO?

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS GOTTA BE THE MAN'S FAULT?

BECAUSE IT ALWAYS IS.

HE'S SLEEPING WITH KIMBERLEE.

THAT SHITHEAD.

(Bernie) HE'S NOT SCREWING THAT SKANK.

OF COURSE YOU'D LIE FOR HIM.

HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I'M HIS BEST HOMEY. I KNOW EVERYTHING HE DOES.

I'M SERIOUS.

COME ON.

(Howard) YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

WE'RE ABOUT AT THAT TIME IN THE EVENING

WHERE I'M VERY PLEASED TO PRESENT THE VERY FIRST MISS OLYMPIA

HER CHECK FOR $50,000!

AND NOW I HAVE THE ENVELOPE.

AND THE WINNER IS--

(Bernie) HOLD ON!

THERE'S ONE MORE CONTESTANT!

(Bernie) EXCUSE US.

SORRY.

[laughing]

I DON'T HAVE MY BIKINI ON.

WELL, HEY.

WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A--A GREAT SURPRISE.

WHAT IS SHE DOING UP THERE? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP HER AWAY.

WELL, I THOUGHT I DID. I--I GOT HER ALL DEPRESSED AND EVERYTHING.

I THINK THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU TO PUT ON YOUR BIKINI.

JUST GIVE US A SECOND, PLEASE.

OK, FOLKS, THIS IS JUST GONNA TAKE A QUICK SECOND.

BUT YOU KNOW...

♪ IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT AND I CAN'T WAIT ♪

♪ I'M GOING OUT, I'VE GOT A DATE ♪

♪ ME AND MY FRIENDS HAVE MET, WE'LL GO INTO TOWN ♪

♪ JUST WANNA PARTY AT THE EDGE OF TOWN ♪

(Howard) OK, FOLKS, I THINK WE GOT HER.

OH, MY GOD!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

THAT'S NOT A REAL BIKINI.

AWESOME! SHE'S WEARING THE LATEST DESIGN.

IT'S A FRENCH RIVIERA BIKINI.

THAT'S BULLSHIT, LINK. HOW CAN YOU HELP HER?

BECAUSE I LOVE HER!

COME ON UP HERE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LINK AND SUNNY!

HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME GO TO THE HOUSE AND HAVE A PARTY OF OUR OWN?

JUST GIVE ME A BREAK.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHECK? DON'T FORGET YOUR CHECK.

MAIL IT.

[groaning]

[screaming]

OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?

LINK, LOOK AT THAT. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

(Link) SAND HIM!

EVERYBODY, LET'S SAND HIM!

SAND HIM! SAND HIM!

AHH!

COME ON, SAND HIM!

[groaning]

WANNA DIP?

[laughing]

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

HERE.

WHAT, HERE? NOW?

YEAH.

NO, JUST PUT THIS ON SO THAT SOMEBODY DOESN'T JUMP YOU.

OK, LISTEN, I GOTTA FIND HOWARD AND CONNER

'CAUSE SOMETHING REALLY HEAVY-DUTY IS GOING DOWN, ALL RIGHT?

I'LL BE BACK REAL SOON.

MMM.

HEY, HEY.

WHY DON'T YOU AND ME GO--GO BACK UP SOMEWHERE AND HAVE OUR OWN LITTLE--

YOU'RE LACQUERED, RONALD.

COME ON, WE'LL TALK SHOP.

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU'RE WORSE THAN DRUNK. YOU'RE DISGUSTING!

DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF ABOUT HER.

SHE'S JUST NOT OLD ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE A MAN FROM YOUR GENERATION.

WHY DON'T YOU STOP TRYING TO SAMPLE THE GRAPE JUICE

AND START TO ENJOY AND APPRECIATE A FINE WINE?

IS THE VINTAGE ANY GOOD?

BLUE RIBBON.

WHOA!

LOOK AT ALL THESE STATIONS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.

THIS IS RAD.

ENGIN-EERING.

OH, WHAT'S IN HERE? LOOKY-LOOKY.

MAYBE I'LL GET INTO T.V. SOMEDAY. HAVE MY OWN SHOW:

LATE NIGHT WITH BERNIE BERNARDO.

WHOO-HOO. I'D BE THE FIRST ONE TO WATCH THAT.

WHY YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BE BAGGING ON ME?

UGH, YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO.

KEEP YOUR HEAD FROM GETTING SO BIG IT EXPLODES.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

YOU ALWAYS GOTTA BE SO MACHO, YOU GOTTA BE THE BIG MAN.

YEAH.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE A PERSON?

THEN MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T WALK AROUND BEING SO STUPID ALL THE TIME.

IF YOU'D STOP BUSTING BALLS,

THEN MAYBE SOMEBODY COULD GET CLOSE TO YOU.

WHATEVER.

BITCH.

UGH, BASTARD.

DON'T PUSH ME.

[both grunting]

[Mrs. Jones laughing]

THAT'S NICE.

[springs creaking]

[Ronald groaning]

OH!

[Ronald grunting]

(car stereo playing) ♪ IT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN ♪

♪ IN THE BACK OF MY LIMOUSINE ♪

♪ HOLD UP, HOLD ON ♪

HMM.

♪ HOLD UP, HOLD ON, LADY ♪

[barks]

HOLD UP A SECOND THERE, PARTNER.

WE'D LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

JUST A SECOND.

I GOTTA GO FRESHEN UP SO I CAN PULL SOME MORE CHICKS.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT IS WITH THE MACHO SHIT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT THE LITTLE, UH, DEAL

YOU SEEM TO HAVE WORKED OUT FOR YOURSELF?

(Link) YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE RIGHTS TO THE BIKINI OLYMPICS.

NOW, WE OWN THE RIGHTS TO THIS AND ALL FUTURE BROADCASTS OF THIS SHOW, OK?

YOU'RE JUST OUR AGENT.

I KNOW, I KNOW HOW IT WORKS. I KNOW EVERYTHING, OK.

I THINK YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO THIS LOVE CHILD

OF ROD STEWART AND VANILLA ICE TOO LONG.

HE'S FULL OF SHIT. EVERYTHING'S FINE. JUST GONNA GO--

YEAH? WHAT ABOUT THAT CONTRACT YOU SIGNED WITH THE T.V. EXECUTIVE

THAT GUARANTEES YOU ALL EXCLUSIVE ROYALTIES TO THE GIGS?

HE'S LYING.

THAT SHOULD BE EASY ENOUGH TO FIND OUT, SHOULDN'T IT?

EVEN IF I HAVE TO APPLY A LITTLE TEXAS TRUTH SERUM--

CONNER, JUST CALM DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME.

I DID NOT CUT YOU GUYS OUT OF THE DEAL.

ALL RIGHT, I SIGNED IT ON YOUR BEHALF.

WELL, THAT'S FRAUD! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO US?

I AM TIRED OF LISTENING TO THIS LYING COYOTE.

[thuds]

OW.

NOW, HOWARD, I TOLD YOU.

(Conner) DON'T STAND SO CLOSE WHILE I'M GIVING A WHUPPING.

NOW HE'S GONE.

(Conner) DADGUM IT!

DAMN THING MUST BE DEFECTIVE.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME?

NOT IN THOUGHT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, BABY. I'M A VIRGIN, TOO.

YEAH?

[Bernie moaning]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I LOVE THIS FLICK. I'VE SEEN IT LIKE 10 TIMES.

THIS IS THE UNCUT VERSION.

REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE

YOUR 2 FAVORITE THINGS AT THE SAME TIME?

YEAH.

WELL.

HUBBA-HUBBA.

ALL RIGHT.

♪ DON'T KNOW HOW ♪

♪ I NEED TO KNOW ♪

♪ ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ MAYBE HERE ♪

♪ TONIGHT WE BOTH BEGIN ♪

♪ WHEN THE FEAR MOVES ♪

♪ I'LL SEND TWO MORE ♪

♪ THEN WALK OUTSIDE ♪

♪ AND WE WILL SEE THE WORLD ♪

♪ WITH DIFFERENT EYES ♪

[chattering]

YOU KNOW, CONNER, NOT EVERYONE CAN GET ME UP THIS EARLY.

CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

I MAKE A MEAN HUEVOS RANCHEROS.

OH, I JUST LOVE A MAN WHO COOKS, DON'T YOU?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

HEY.

I'VE COOKED BREAKFAST FOR YOU BEFORE.

COLD BEER AND COLD PIZZA?

WELL, AT LEAST THEY WERE BOTH COLD.

[laughing]

I'M TELLING YOU, THEY'RE ABSOLUTELY INSANE.

THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING THEM TOMORROW,

'CAUSE I THINK THEY NEED TO KNOW.

HEY, CHISEL-CHEST, HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, MY GOD, EXCELLENTLY.

UM, DID YOU KNOW SHE'S A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER FOR TAG INDUSTRIES?

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

HEY THERE, YOU 2 LOVEBIRDS. BELLY UP AND GRAB YOURSELVES SOME GRUB.

LOOK HOW CUTE.

BREAKFAST, MI PEQUENITA?

UH, I HAVE NO MORE HUNGER, MI CORAZON.

GREAT PARTY.

YEAH. WISH IT DIDN'T HAVE TO END.

WHO SAYS IT HAS TO, LITTLE DARLING?

I'M GONNA TAKE US ALL ON A LOVE CRUISE TO HAWAII.

[all exclaiming]

HAWAII.

GIANT GREEN MONSTERS.

ENDLESS CLEAN PEELERS!

YAH!

BOARD HEADS!

♪[singing]

OH.

LOOK AT THAT!

OH, WOW!

OH, MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU...

OH, MY GOD! YOU MUST BE FREEZING.

DID YOU SLEEP OUT HERE ALL NIGHT? YOU POOR, SWEET THING.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT A CONDO.

I'VE GOT A CONDO WITH 2 EMPTY UNITS.

AND I'M LOOKING FOR A HANDYMAN TO STAY THERE.

YOU KNOW, TO SORT OF TAKE CARE OF THE PLACE, FOR FREE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OH, MY GOD! IT'S, LIKE, COSMIC.

MY JUST WALKING ALONG HERE AND SINGING AND DANCING

AND THERE YOU ARE JUST LYING THERE WAITING.

AND IT'S PERFECT.

(Mrs. Jones) I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

♪ COME ON, EVERYBODY, DO THE BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ ALL AROUND ♪

♪ FIRST, YOU GOT TO RUN IN PLACE ♪

♪ AND THEN YOU RUN AROUND ♪

♪ JUMP! ♪

♪ JUMP, JUMP, BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ JUMP, JUMP, BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ JUMP, JUMP, BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ JUMP, JUMP, BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ COME ON, EVERYBODY, AND DO THE BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ COME ON, EVERYBODY, DO THE BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ ALL AROUND ♪

♪ FIRST, YOU GOT TO RUN IN PLACE ♪

♪ AND THEN YOU RUN AROUND ♪

♪ JUMP! ♪

♪ JUMP, JUMP, BUFFALO JUMP ♪

♪ ONE DAY ♪

♪ I'M GONNA STARE INTO THE SUN ♪

♪ TILL IT BURNS OUT ALL THESE ♪

♪ COBWEBS AND MUDDY WATER ♪

♪ THAT CLOUDS MY THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ OR MAYBE I'LL DRIFT OUT ON THE OCEAN ♪

♪ SO FAR OUT, I CAN'T SEE THEN ♪

♪ NO ONE EVER UNDERSTANDS ♪