Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Fuck.

Every time, man.

Why doesn't he just leave the goddamned door unlocked.

Fucking idiot.

Shitty taste in music, too.

Yo, Serpico, open the fucking door, man.

MAN 2: Wake up, Mother fucker.

MAN 1: There he is.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WOMAN: About fucking time.

MAN 1: What the fuck is wrong with you.

MAN 2: Thank you.

Sorry to interrupt your wet dream.

[INAUDIBLE] then you can go back to dreaming about pussy.

(STUTTERING) D-D-D D is for drive mother fucker.

[LAUGHTER]

Turn that shit down.

Finally, the nightmare is over.

Stop ADR schedule.

No more flat rates.

I mean it this time.

I need to get in the fucking union.

If you add up all the hours I've been working

divided by whatever the fuck it is,

I'm making minimum wage at best.

I bet this driver's making morning than all of us.

And to do what?

Eat up the craft table.

Useless as tits on a ball.

WOMAN (LAUGHING): That's right.

Hey, how much you make a day driving this piece of shit?

You in the Teamsters Union'?

Hey, hey, you know who killed Jimmy Hoffa?

Yeah, yeah, you know where he's buried and shit, man?

You know who did it, don't you mother fucker?

[LAUGHTER] - Whoa!

Fuck.

Shit, man!

What the fuck, Randy Savage?

Why are trying to be retarded with you, man?

Fuck!

Fucking piece of shit.

That's not fucking funny.

Where the fuck are you going, man?

Why did you fucking turn off the vehicle?

Yo, get the fuck back here.

Get in the fucking vehicle!

Yo, what happened, man?

What the fuck?

What is he fucking down'?

Turn the fucking van... What the fuck, man?

DON: You, out!

MAN 1: This is bullshit, man.

DON: Now.

Stop!

You don't... fuck off, man.

You don't want to do this.

This is fucked.

[GIRL SCREAMS]

Don't, man.

This is fucked, man.

MAN 2: What the fuck'? - I'm serious.

Stop.

Don't! Fuck!

Move! Go, go!

What the fuck?

What the fuck, man?

I'm serious.

MAN 2: Just put the gun down, man!

MAN 1: I'm serious.

Don't do this.

This is fucked up, man!

What the fuck?

MAN 2: What the fuck, man?

Don't, man!

You don't want to fucking do this, man!

MAN 3: What is that, man?

MAN 1: This is fucked, man! Stop!

[BLADE SLASHING]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LODGEBOY: Hey, buddy.

How's it going?

Sick.

Sick and tired, that's how it's going.

Yeah.

Same shit, man.

Same shit here.

You know how much I've made so far in tips today?

No. No.

I have no idea.

And you know what?

The suspense is fucking killing me.

So please, tell me.

LODGEBOY: I made a deuce.

A goddamn fucking deuce.

So what'?

You're making hourly, right'?

Well, anything on top of that's gravy.

Do you think that I get tipped for driving?

Do you?

I don't make jack.

Nothing!

Hey, what the hell are you doing, man?

Listen.

I've been really thinking.

You and me, we work well together.

We could be a team.

You know?

Come on.

Listen, I was thinking that maybe you could

just put in a good word for me.

You know?

I'd be fucking awesome at what you do.

Hey, look, kid.

You've got to get the hell out of my van.

First, I got talent coming any second.

Secondly, nobody, and I mean nobody,

sits in the front of my van!

Listen, man, I just thought we were on the same boat.

You know?

We work with the same people, right?

Get the fuck out of my van.

NOW!

Move it!

Look here, piss ant.

Don't you dare compare yourself to me!

You're a monkey in a fucking suit.

I'm in the movies.

You watch them, I make them.

That's the difference.

You call me buddy like you know me.

You don't know me.

Now, do your job and open my door.

If you want a tip... move faster.

Morning!

It looks like it's going to be a sunny day.

Yep.

Should be a warm one.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you know who that is?

Are you asking me or are you going to tell me?

That's Riversa Red.

Sounds like a stripper.

No, no, no.

She's a scream queen.

She's the scream queen.

I've got all her movies.

Lovely.

She's not on here, though.

Weird.

No mention at all.

How cool is this.

See you around, lodgeboy.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

[ENGINE REVS]

You know, I'm really going for something fresh.

Something with an edge with my signature written all over it.

I mean, now I can show the world what I can do with real actors

on... on a real set.

I got no doubt this... This will be epic.

Epically straight to video.

Excuse me?

Did you say something?

Oh, I... I'm just trying to figure out what

I might have seen of yours.

Your name's not really familiar to me,

and I'm kind of a movie buff.

Enough to know a slasher in the woods ain't nothing new.

It's an homage.

My love letter to the horror genre.

[SNORTS]

Now, there is a big difference between giving a friendly nod

to the masterpieces of horror and just

ripping them off out right.

You say you're a movie buff'?

Well, then you know our leading lady here, wouldn't you'?

Riversa Red.

Real name Susan Riley.

Born Victoria, BC, July 1 Canada Day 1982.

First feature "Satan Knows Best," alternate title.

" Bloody Sacrilege Massacre."

Miss Red's been in over 100 cult and horror films

and won scream queen of the sinema... that's with an S

not a C... five times.

Yeah.

You've made your point.

DON: She also broke her ankle on "Slashed to Ribbons"

and to date has trouble with running

scenes due to said injury.

All right, enough already.

Can you believe this guy?

Her last film, "Thong Massacre, Flossed to Death,"

is quite controversial due to the full frontal nudity

misery on display.

It's quite a scene.

It also divided her fan base.

Some saying it was borderline pornographic.

Aw, come on.

It's not like I haven't shown my kitty before.

Yeah.

Your stalker's got nothing on this guy.

Don't joke about that Luke.

I'm not.

Your alias is kind of funny, actually.

Sandy Storm.

It makes you sound like a female wrestler.

So you have a stalker.

So that's why you changed your name on the call sheet.

To mess him up, huh?

It's not something I've shared with the media.

And she'd prefer to keep it that way.

So don't go filling up the forms with us, all right?

Do you really think I'd put Miss Red in harm's way?

No.

Now that I know what the deal is, don't you worry.

I've got your back.

Do you guys know what he looks like?

I'll keep my eyes peeled.

We don't know.

He just keeps sending weird shit.

We tried to get info on him, but the guy's elusive as fuck.

We'll find him.

Yeah.

I'll do my best.

My own bodyguard and driver.

I told production I need security,

but they're too fucking cheap.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This place better have some fucking lattes out here.

Fuck.

Luke, it'd be nice to get some help.

Fucking asshole.

[SIGHS] Thanks for the ride.

DON: No problem, little lady.

Where are the trailers?

Trailers?

Boy, you are in for a world of hurt, you know that?

Do you see this crack in my windshield?

Or is that just a figment of my imagination?

This production's too damn cheap to fix my goddamn windshield.

Maybe you can get Dracula to pitch you a tent.

Listen, this is Luke's first feature.

OK?

The guy really does have talent.

Can you give him a break for me'?

It's going to be a tough enough shoot already.

Real Guerrilla style.

Well, damn, Miss Red.

You're just pulling at my heart strings.

How can I say no to you?

I'll cut him some slack.

Thanks, um...

It's Don.

Don Cardini.

And I'm honored to meet you, Miss Red.

Sounds like the mafia.

Watch out for the bears!

A bear would eat little old me.

Oh, this is going to be a good day.

It's a warning!

It means stop.

If we go any further we'll... we'll... line'?

Cut!

Sienna!

You should be way off book by now.

You can't keep calling for your line, dammit.

Either get your shit together and get it right next time,

or I'll cut all your lines and write you

in as a mute for fuck's sake.

And more blood next take.

Do you understand, Jenny?

This thing should be almost sweeping blood, huh?

Weeping!

OK.

I got it, boss.

LUKE: Hey, hey, hey.

Great job, Riversa.

OK?

She is a true pro.

Back to ones people.

DON: Hey, Frank.

How's it hanging, buddy?

Low and a little to the left.

Attaboy.

Hey, uh, you see that redhead over there?

That is my favorite scream queen.

She's aces in my books, man.

What's a scream queen?

Best scream for four years in a row.

I bet I can make her scream like that.

Fuckin' pull her by the hair.

Fuckin' tap that ass.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

You don't say that about Miss Red.

You don't even think that about Miss Red.

Do you got me?

FRANKIE: Yeah, yeah.

Don, could you just let go of my hair?

Do you understand me?

FRANKIE: Yes, Don.

Could you please just let go of my...

You keep your beady fucking eyes off Miss Red,

or next time I won't go so easy on you.

Do you understand me?

What the fuck are you looking at?

[GROANS]

Overreact much'?

Jesus?

Yeah, I'm good.

Don't need help or anything here.

Fuck!

[INAUDIBLE], guys.

I made your favorite, Don.

Egg salad.

Deb, you are the greatest.

No veggie, no cheese?

I have tuna salad.

It's really good.

I don't eat fish, sweetheart.

(SCOFFS) I don't eat fish.

Wah, wah, wah.

Suck it up.

Not all of us are carnivores.

Yeah?

I bet you and your partner here eat meat from time to time.

Right, Deb?

And so you eat fist from time to time, asshole.

Look, don't even get me started on fisting.

Faggot!

Piece of shit!

Come on, let's go.

Are you OK?

(GROANING) Yeah, I'm OK.

It's some grips that need to get a grip.

Get it?

I really hope they don't file a complaint.

Ah, the only thing they'll be filing is each other's nails.

[LAUGHS]

Help me clean this shit up before anybody sees.

RIVERSA RED: God, just look at this place.

Maybe they've been in here.

We have to check.

JORDAN: Are you nuts?

You don't live there.

RIVERSA RED: We got to take a look.

JORDAN: If you go in there, you're on your own.

RIVERSA RED (WHISPERING): You guys are so chicken.

SIENNA: Let's go.

RIVERSA RED: Who lives here?

What is this place?

This is some seriously fucked up shit, you guys.

But it's clear.

It's OK.

There's nobody here.

[SCREAMS]

WATCHER: Why are you here?

RIVERSA RED: We're looking for our friends.

They vanished without... Without a trace!

You're all gonna die in these woods.

You are all dead!

Come on!

Let's get out of here!

RIVERSA RED: Yeah, let's go!

He's probably right.

RIVERSA RED: I don't know.

He's a prophet.

[LAUGHS EVILLY]

I do see numbers in your future.

The numbers 666.

RIVERSA RED: Oh, no!

The mark of the devil!

Run!

LUKE: Cut!

[LAUGHS] That was brilliant!

One more time and I think we've got it, all right!

Yeah!

[LAUGHS]

RIVERSA RED: Good job, buys.

WATCHER: That bloody gaffer was looking at me again, too.

My [INAUDIBLE] don't swing that way, mate.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

DON: Hot set, huh'?

Hm.

Don't look so hot.

FRANKIE: Don, are you in here?

I thought I smelled smoke.

Hey, man.

What's happening?

Not too much.

Aw, man, this is awesome.

This set, huh?

A nice wooden shack.

Hey, speaking of wood.

I heard about that fight you had with the two fudge packers.

I mean, everyone's talking about it.

And when they ask me I tell them,

Don Cardini doesn't take shit from anyone.

Well, if anybody does say shit I'll just tell them

they grabbed my ass.

Double backed me.

[CHUCKLES]

Cool, that's good.

Man, I wouldn't have thought of that.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry about earlier.

I mean, I didn't know who Miss Red was.

But I do know.

She's a big star.

She is indeed, Frank.

She is indeed.

Look, man, I... I didn't mean to lose it on you earlier today.

It's just I've been a fan of Miss Red's for awhile now

and she's a good woman.

She's got class.

She's not like these other dumb bitches we drive around.

She's a real person.

She's not fake, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Not fake, definitely.

Hey, um, look.

You want to do me a solid, Frank?

Sure, Don.

Anything, man.

Well, I was thinking maybe after we wrap today, um,

maybe I could take Miss Red back to the hotel-alone.

I kind of feel like we made a connection this morning.

She's got this stalker thing, so I'm kind of looking

out for her, you know'?

You can take Spielberg Junior and the three other wonder

kinds in your ride, right?

Yeah, I mean, I figured that's why she

was going by a different name.

Man, the joys of being famous.

You know what I'm saying?

So, yeah.

No problem.

That's cool.

That director already asked to ride with me anyway.

Oh, he did.

Did he?

Yeah.

It looks like I made an impression on him.

He said your van smelled like smoke.

I don't know.

Yeah, the smoke coming out of his ass.

Nobody smokes in my fucking van.

Fuck!

There is nothing like some fresh faced punk

fresh out of film school thinking he's

making the next "Blair Witch."

That's amusing as hell.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, copy that.

Are you in a hurry?

Well, I'm your personal driver, Miss Red.

It's, uh... it's my job to get you

to and from set as quickly and safely as possible.

I mean, that lodge is pretty isolated.

Could be a good thing, could be a bad thing.

I'm not complaining. [CHUCKLES] It's kind of

nice to have some quiet time.

How was your first day'?

You know, it's all good.

I like my cast and the crew seems nice.

You know, Miss Red, I've... I've seen

quite a few of your pictures.

That, sweetheart, is not surprising.

I dominate the bargain bins in video stores.

No, no, no.

Miss Red, you are aces.

I mean, you working the genre-it's

bar none the best I've seen.

Your... your roles, they're so powerful and authentic.

I... honestly I can't say that about any other actor.

Well, thank you, Don.

You know, it's nice to know somebody

appreciates all the hard work that goes into this.

Oh, trust me.

I know.

And I've been driving for awhile,

and it is amazing how many roles are just flushed down

the toilet when some little bitch

who hasn't paid her dues just sleeps her way into the part.

I see it all the time.

You know, some girls they don't have a choice.

They need the work.

I'm not going to judge them.

Yeah, but they're whores, right?

That's a bit harsh.

Don't you think, Don.

No.

I... I mean they... They have no talent.

So they're just using their bodies to get what they want.

You know, that's... that's a prostitute to me.

We all make our sacrifices.

Kind of like the one you made in "Thong Massacre",

"Flossed to Death," right?

Did you like what you saw, tiger?

Well-

[RED LAUGHS]

You only did topless in all your other movies.

RIVERSA RED: And?

Well, in "Flossed to Death" you did... you did bottomless.

I don't know.

I was just kind of taken aback.

It seemed unnecessary.

I... I mean, don't get me wrong.

L... I don't blame you.

I blame the producers and the director.

I think it's unfair for you to judge me.

Oh, no, no, no.

Miss Red, I respect you as a person.

I... I know your acting is something completely different.

But I guess I'm just trying to say I...

I would have seen the movie even if you hadn't

done the full frontal stuff.

I don't know.

I just think it sends the wrong message.

That's all.

How about we just change the subject.

OK.

Uh... no problem.

Look, Miss Red, I'm sorry if I upset you.

That wasn't my intention.

I'm not upset.

Don, it's just been a long day.

OK?

And this fucking stalker thing.

It's killing me.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

LODGEBOY: Hi, Miss Red.

She just doesn't get it.

What's she supposed to get?

She's the one with the stalker.

Wait, you know about him, too?

Yeah.

Management gave us this bulletin last week.

Said he was a person of interest.

If you see the guy... hey, man!

Come on.

It said to call 911 if we saw him.

Now, can I have it back?

I'm going to lose my job here. No.

You don't need it anymore. You know what he looks.

LODGEBOY: Hey, man!

Give me it back!

DON: Thanks, pal.

I owe you one.

LODGEBOY: No, no, no.

I'm going to get fired!

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

Morning, Miss Red.

RIVERSA RED: Good morning, Donny.

Have fun.

Hey, Don, I'm gonna... you know, keep her guarded.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[SCREAMING]

Go back?

Go back?

I don't get it.

He was right.

We should have never come here.

Why did he have to die'?

He did so we could live!

LUKE: Cut!

OK, people.

Great work.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Where are they?

Oh, yeah.

I am the man.

[SNIFFING]

[EXHALES]

Gosh, she smells so fucking good.

[INHALES]

[SIGHS]

Closed set tomorrow.

Looks like some titty action.

Sienna's titties, Don.

She's, uh, topless sunbathing.

Yeah, props list says lotion and everything.

Damn.

To have a bird's eye view, huh?

Well, it's Sienna's rite of passage.

I mean, if she wants to be a scream queen,

she's got to do topless.

What do you think of her'?

Does she have what it takes'?

Well, she ain't no Riversa Red.

She's cute.

Got a hard little body.

Screams good.

She'll do all right.

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

Miss Red.

Miss Red?

Miss Red?

Miss Red?

Come on, we're here.

Miss Red, it's time to go to bed.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LODGEBOY: Do you need a hand?

DON: I'm fine.

Is Miss Red OK?

DON: She's fine.

She's asleep.

Really?

I thought she was dead.

DON: Hey, if you want to give me a hand,

tell me what room she's in.

I can't give out that information.

It's privy.

DON: Look, I'm her personal driver.

Now you tell me what room she's in

or I might be privy to wipe my boots clean on your face.

[WOLF HOWLS]

DON (VOICEOVER): Now you're probably

wondering, when in the hell are we going to see some killing?

Well, don't ruffle your feathers.

All in due time.

All I wanted to do was make a movie.

Some titties, a bit of blood.

But the real deal, not no silly putty.

Nothing ever turns out as planned.

This fucking key.

DON: This one works.

Who the fuck are you?

Well, I'm Miss Red's personal assistant.

And I'm here to assist her in sending you into the afterlife.

Yeah, I get it.

Riversa put you up to this, right?

One of her jokes?

I'm her boyfriend.

Yeah, I bet you're her boyfriend.

I bet a sick fuck like you is pretty much anything

he wants to be in his own mind.

BOYFRIEND: Riversa!

Shh.

You better keep it down.

Or do I have to cut your tongue out?

Fuck this shit, man.

[SNARLS]

DON: Hey, boy.

There ain't nowhere to run.

Come on, play nice.

Come back here and take your medicine like man.

(GRUNTING) Come on!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

So what are you going to do to Miss Red, you sick fucker?

That's all right.

I don't want to know.

You know, uh, on any other day I might just

shoot the shit with you about Miss Red's pictures

if you weren't a deranged psychopathic stalker.

So I'm sure you have an encyclopedic knowledge

of her films just like me.

So much so you might remember one she

did called "Barn Door to Hell."

Hey, you remember that one scene?

Real glory?

Blood's just spraying all over the place

like it's coming out a fire extinguisher.

I've always wondered if that could really happen.

What's the matter, boy'?

Cat got your tongue'?

Well, my daddy always said if you

want to chase a gopher out of a whole,

nothing beats a little gasoline.

Stay put.

I'll be right back.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

(CRYING) on, God.

Please don't kill me.

I'm her boyfriend.

I swear!

Yeah, yeah.

Let me finish!

Now you and me both being fans and all...

What do you say we find out?

[BLOOD GURGLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

What did I miss?

A whole lot of nothing.

Yeah, it's been dead tonight.

DON: Yeah, you can say that again.

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

Damn.

Slower.

OK.

Now put it on your tits.

Rub-rub it on your tits.

Cut!

Sienna!

You need to pour the lotion on your tits.

That's the money shot.

Nobody gives a shit about your bony shoulders.

SIENNA: Bony?

Are they really that bony?

[SIGHS]

When I say action, take the bottle

and start pouring the lotion all over your tits

and start rubbing in it until I say cut.

Do you understand?

JENNY: Final touches, please.

Let's go, people!

Action!

"Pile Driver," an erotic thriller by Donald Q. Cardini.

[LAUGHS]

What is this?

Jeez.

This looks pretty good, Don.

Real campy.

Love it.

I, uh, I went back to your earlier films.

You know, the classics.

[LAUGHS]

The classics?

I'm not that old, am I?

Well, you know what I mean.

The ones they remember.

I know. I know.

I know.

I'm just teasing.

You know, these, uh, young filmmakers today,

they don't know squat about old school horror... the good stuff.

And it shows.

It shows in their writing.

It's void and dull.

(WHISPERING) Stop it!

I already feel like a bitch from this morning.

Well, these fanboys don't know shit from Shinola.

[CHUCKLES]

Shit.

Shinola.

[RED LAUGHS]

OK.

You know what?

I got to get my makeup touched up.

This food's got me all greasy.

Greasy's good.

[BLOOD SQUISHING]

RIVERSA RED: We won't leave you like this!

[GASPS]

Wang.

So this is what it's like to have

your whole world ripped in two.

You're not going to die... on us.

Just breath in through your nose, out through your mouth.

It's not just about pussy and big...

LUKE: Cut!

Dicks.

LUKE: What the fuck was that?

That's not in my script.

Fuck.

Luke!

Luke, no, no.

Give me those. Give me those.

LUKE: Whoa. These are your sights?

Written by Don?

Don the driver?

I mixed up my sights.

It's no big deal.

Where the fuck is that self aggrandizing taxi driver?

Did you call my name, asshole?

"Pile Driver?"

What is this, a fucking autobiography?

At least I didn't rip anybody off!

Get the fuck off my set!

[SCREAMS]

RIVERSA RED: Don! Don!

Get the fuck off!

DON: I will kill you!

I will fucking kill you.

RIVERSA RED: What the fuck is the matter with you, Don?

LUKE: The fucking driver is sabotaging my show.

RIVERSA RED: Your show'?

This is my show.

This is my show.

LUKE: Either he goes or I go.

DON: Find your own way home, asshole.

Whoa.

Whoa.

All right, everybody, get back to your places.

We have a movie to make here.

So do I.

This is bullshit.

Why am I dealing with this shit, Luke?

We're on the ground!

Get it together!

Fuck!

Look at you!

DON: Boo.

Don!

What are you doing here?

I need to clean the back of the van, Frank.

I cleaned out the back of the van last night.

There's nothing back there.

You know me.

- I'm a packrat, right? - Right.

Yeah.

No, totally.

I remember.

I left some tools in the compartment back there,

and I really need them.

FRANKIE: Wait, you booked another gig?

I totally thought you would have taken a day or two off.

That's... that's cool.

Yeah, I'm doing another show.

Get way back there.

FRANKIE: Way back in there?

All right.

So what show are you doing?

My show.

[CHOKING]

Remember that first day you went on a ride with me, Frankie?

What I told you'?

The most important thing about being a driver...

You got to keep your van clean.

[CHOKING]

Watch your head, buddy.

Watch your head.

There you go.

Now, come here.

Come here.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now, I'm doing you a favor, Frank.

If it wasn't me, it would have been the business.

OK.

Hold still.

Come on, stay with me, Frankie.

Sorry, partner.

You're not the first one.

[LOUD THUD]

Well, I guess I owe you two now, don't I?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WRENCH CLANGS]

You mind giving me a hand?

[CLAPS]

[WHISTLES]

Encore!

DON: That's a good one.

I haven't heard that one before.

No, seriously.

Stop.

I got this camera from a buddy of mine

who used to wedding videos.

I have no idea.

Red button means record.

Let's see.

I bet you're glad you didn't say point and shoot, aren't you?

Get in the fucking van.

NOW!

Does this mean I'm hired?

Yeah, it means you're hired.

Get in the fucking van.

Watch your head, slick.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Didn't you get fired?

DON: Yes and no.

Today's my last day.

I'm done after this.

SIENNA: Then what are you doing in here?

DON: Well, the lodgeboy he's, uh,

going on what the union likes to call a sidebar.

[INAUDIBLE]

RIVERSA RED: You've got to be kidding me.

Please tell me there's another van coming for Luke.

LUKE: Where's Frankie?

DON: Frankie's sick.

He had a really bad migraine.

Look, get another van.

I'm not riding with you.

DON: Hey, look... there is no one else, Luke.

And like I said, I'm done after today.

This is it.

SIENNA: Come on, Luke.

Just get in.

RIVERSA RED: I don't feel like sitting here all day.

It's only a goddamn ride.

Get in the car.

This is the last time.

DON: You can take that to the bank.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Hey, Don, is this another one of your bright ideas?

DON: Well, yes.

Yes, it is, Luke.

You see, the lodgeboy is filming for me.

He's my cameraman.

I really don't want to be filmed.

Can you turn off the goddamn camera, please?

Don's not in charge.

He's a fucking driver.

And one that's supposed to be fired.

Just get the fuck...

[OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES]

DON: Get out!

NOW!

Everybody!

Grab your shit.

LUKE: All right, this is getting more fucked up by the minute.

I'm calling the fucking producer.

DON: You really are a fucking peckerhead.

You know that?

(MIMICS LUKE) Oh, I'll just call the fucking producer.

Oh, no. Don the driver.

All that fucking head and not a lick of brain in it.

Don, is this is a joke?

If it is, it's not funny.

DON: You get over there.

Get over there.

Oh, no, Miss Red.

This ain't no joke.

[THUD]

[GIRLS SCREAM]

This is the real deal.

No more make believe bullshit.

RIVERSA RED: Why are you doing this?

DON: Because I am the worst fucking person you could

ever run across right now.

I'm the guy with nothing left.

RIVERSA RED: Don, this is silly.

Really!

You're an awesome guy.

You're the guy that makes me smile, OK?

I know you've had a couple of bad days.

So have I. Just put the gun down.

OK?

We can talk this out.

OK?

OK?

It's OK.

[SCREAMING]

[GUN SHOT]

LUKE: Grab him!

Guys!

[YELLING]

RIVERSA RED: Fuck!

DON: You fucking bitches!

Damn you!

Let's go, ladies.

RIVERSA RED: No!

[CRYING]

DON: We are burning daylight, people.

Come on.

We've got a movie to make, people.

No!

DON: You get your fucking shit.

[RED YELLING]

I don't want to!

DON: Miss Red, you better get your shit

together and get moving.

RIVERSA RED: Enough!

DON: Let's go.

Are you getting-not on me.

Get that shit!

Get the ladies.

[SOBBING]

Why?

DON: Oh, ladies, you better save your tears.

We didn't have craft services in the budget.

Don, stop!

Stop!

DON: Come on.

Let's go.

Don't look at me.

Keep walking.

(SOBBING) Stop!

Stop this!

No!

DON: Come on, stretch.

I'm going!

[SOBBING]

DON: Come on, ladies.

Move it!

RIVERSA RED: You're a fucking animal.

[SOBBING]

Let's go.

LUKE: Where the fuck are we going, Don?

DON: Straight ahead about 100 more meters.

What the fuck is there?

DON: Oh, it's a surprise, Miss Red.

You'll see.

LUKE: It's all trees.

SIENNA: Don, what did I do to you

for you to be mad... mad at me?

DON: Sienna.

I like you.

DON: I've got nothing against you, dear.

You're great.

Now move your ass.

RIVERSA RED: Fuck.

DON: Hey, don't just stand there, chump.

Help her pick this shit up.

RIVERSA RED: It's OK, sweetie.

DON: Let's go!

RIVERSA RED: You fucking go first.

DON: Hey, don't walk around it.

What the fuck?

What do you think this is, huh?

[WATER SPLASHING]

LUKE: Oh, come on, Don!

DON: Let's go!

Fucking move!

LUKE: We're fucking going!

DON: Come on, people.

Fucking move it!

JENNY: Fuck you!

DON: Yeah, take a number. RIVERSA RED: Don, stop!

Hey, get this.

Go tight.

JENNY: Come on, Sienna.

DON: Come on, ladies.

We're not out here to take a fucking swim.

SIENNA: I hate you!

DON: That's OK.

My mama didn't like me much either.

Let's go.

We're almost there.

Come on.

You can do it.

[SCREAMING]

Welcome to the set!

What the fuck are you waiting for?

Move it!

RIVERSA RED: No!

(SCREAMING) Don, please!

LUKE: Are you fucking kidding me?

SIENNA: What's this?

RIVERSA RED: Oh, my God!

DON: Come on, people.

Let's go.

SIENNA: No.

We're losing our daylight here.

We don't have all fucking day.

LUKE: OK.

Why do I count five graves, Don?

One of these better be for Jordan.

DON: All right, people.

Now we need to block this scene.

Luke, get in that fucking hole.

LUKE: No, no!

I can't do it.

I... I got a fear of small places.

So what'?

I bet your girlfriend's got a fear of small peckers.

Doesn't stop her from giving you a blow job, does it?

Right, Jenny?

Now get in the fucking hole.

Don't make me ask you again.

LUKE: OK!

All right, Miss Red, on action you're

going to grab this shovel, and you're going to bury Luke.

Luke, you are playing dead.

So lie still.

LUKE: OK.

Sienna, you're not in this shot.

You just stay put.

This is all MOS.

Final touches.

Get your shit!

Let's go!

Just put a little sweat on Riversa's brow,

but not too fucking much.

Hey, piss ant, this is our wide master so don't fuck it up.

We'll go in tight for coverage later.

Copy?

You don't have do this.

Oh, yes I do.

Hurry the fuck up!

SIENNA (QUIETLY): Stop it, Don.

Stop it.

DON: Action!

Start taking the dirt and cover him up!

(SOBBING) I'm sorry!

DON: More fucking din!

No!

DON: More!

Now put it on his face.

SIENNA: Stop it!

DON: More! More!

Again!

More dirt!

[RIVERSA SCREAMING]

More on his face!

More dirt!

LUKE: No!

I can't fucking do this!

RIVERSA RED: I can't do this anymore!

Get them not me!

I didn't fucking yell cut!

Did I say out?

No wonder you're on the way fucking out.

You can't follow a simple fucking direction!

What did I ever see in you?

Now you're going to take that shovel

and you're going to bash him in the fucking head.

Then you're going to bury him.

No!

DON: Otherwise I will put a bullet in her fucking skull!

JENNY: (SCREAMING) No!

No! - No!

DON: Hit him with the fucking shovel!

[SHOVEL CLANGS]

This is my fucking love letter to the horror genre.

Right?

Roll camera!

And action!

[RIVERSA SCREAMING]

Excellent!

- JENNY: Stop it! - Good!

Good!

Stop it!

Would you two shut up?

I am trying to create-more dirt!

JENNY: No!

DON: Get his face!

Cover him up!

[RIVERSA SCREAMING]

More!

[RIVERSA GRUNTING]

Excellent.

That's good.

Excellent!

More dirt!

Faster, faster, faster, faster!

More dirt!

More dirt!

Let's go, Miss Red.

We don't have all day.

It's about fucking time.

Cut!

Cut!

Excellent fucking work, Riversa.

I don't know what fucking you pulled that out of,

but you fucking got the shot.

Thank you very fucking much.

[RIVERSA SOBBING]

Now, if you can fucking listen to me for one goddamn second

and follow my fucking directions,

we'll get out of this shot.

You and Sienna are going to be over by this tree making out.

You got me?

Do you understand me?

Go!

Come with me!

JENNY: Run! Run!

DON: What the fuck'?

Cover them.

Watch them.

Watch them!

JENNY: Run!

SIENNA: No!

DON: Come here you.

JENNY: Run!

SIENNA: No!

[SIENNA SCREAMING]

JENNY: Stop it!

Come on pollo loco.

Into that fucking hole.

SIENNA: No!

DON: You want to be a fucking scream queen?

Get fucking screaming!

[KNIFE SLASHING]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Scream!

[SCREAMING]

Woo!

Now that's some very special effects right there.

Woo!

Jenny, who can I turn to?

RIVERSA RED: No!

JENNY: Please don't.

Did I give you any dialogue in this scene?

Puck up the shovel and get digging.

Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.

JENNY: No, please.

We can do this the easy way, or we can do this hard way.

No, please.

Please!

Put the fucking camera down.

Put it down.

NOW!

LODGEBOY: Yes, sir.

DON: Get over here.

Come here.

I need your help.

[JENNY CRYING]

Grab her feet.

Grab her feet!

JENNY (SOBBING): No!

No, please!

[SCREAMING]

DON: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny.

JENNY (SOBBING): No!

DON: Final touches!

[SCREAMING]

[THUDDING]

[DON GRUNTING]

Oh, Jenny, Jenny.

Pick up the camera.

NOW!

Right there.

Come here, boy.

We're going to set up this next shot.

And Miss Red, I'm going to need your undivided attention.

Because this shot is critical.

Now, come here.

All right, stop.

Right there.

A little bit to your right.

Just a little bit more.

[RIVERSA SCREAMS]

RIVERSA RED: Die!

Die!

Smash his fucking brains in!

Who's the piss ant now!

[RIVERSA SCREAMS]

You're a hard villain, Miss Red.

RIVERSA RED: Smash his fucking head in!

[SHOVEL THUDS]

I killed him.

You bury him.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

RIVERSA RED: Fucking done.

He's fucking dead.

There you go, gravedigger.

This tape is going to make us rich.

RIVERSA RED: No, no.

You destroy that tape or I will.

LODGEBOY: Copy.

[RIVERSA GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, when I started up the lodge I never expected

to meet a guy like Don.

I mean, I knew your boyfriend was coming into town.

But Don, talk about a cluster fuck of a man.

How do you know about my boyfriend?

Talking about your BF...

Don't fucking touch me.

It was a tragedy.

But it was also necessary.

Why the fuck are you talking about my boyfriend?

Answer me!

I'm sure you're sad, Riversa.

Your boyfriend just stopped by to visit you at the lodge.

Give you a little surprise.

It was actually kind of sweet.

I knew Don would be pissed, but well,

a murderous rage would probably be a better choice of words.

So how could I convince Don that your boyfriend

is actually your stalker?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Riversa, I've got something to show you.

Just answer my fucking question.

Take a sneak peak back here.

[SOBBING]

I saw Don throw the garbage bags in the dumpster the other day.

I thought it was such a waste just to toss them out.

So I brought them back to the van.

[RIVERSA SCREAMS]

You murdering fuck!

On, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Riversa, like your boyfriend, Frankie

here was Don's handiwork.

(MIMICKING FRANK) Hi, my name's Frankie.

And I'm a pussy!

You're crazy!

(MIMICKING FRANK) Don't kill me because I got no balls!

Oh, Frankie old buddy.

[RIVERSA SCREAMING]

When Don put the gun up to my head

and told me I was going to be his cinematographer

I was elated.

It meant I got to spend more time with you, Riversa.

Oh, one more thing.

RIVERSA RED: No!

LODGEBOY: Come on, Riversa!

How about one more kiss with your sugar daddy?

Huh?

[RIVERSA SCREAMING]

Huh, Riversa?

(SCREAMING) Why?

Why?

Why?

OK.

Come on.

Why didn't you die?

Don't die.

Don't make me repeat myself.

I led Don to believe that your boyfriend

was also your infamous stalker.

When he dropped the keys to your room in the driveway

the other night, he thought your stalker was watching.

He didn't fall for your silly little cunt.

And you [INAUDIBLE].

[INAUDIBLE] Riversa.

I've been watching for years.

This lodgeboy shit was great!

I have been working my balls off for two weeks

now just waiting for you.

But it's been worth it, Riversa.

It's been worth it.

RIVERSA RED: Don't touch me!

LODGEBOY: This is all for you.

You... you sick fuck!

Murdering fuck!

I've still got bullets in here, Riversa.

Don't test me!

[SCREAMING]

Get up, Riversa.

Chop chop.

We've got a movie for us to finish.

Come on!

RIVERSA RED: You could've just had me.

You didn't have to let them all die.

LODGEBOY: Easier said than done, Miss Red.

There was too many people.

They'd fuck it all up.

No!

You know the first time they incorporated your boyfriend

in this I almost...

RIVERSA RED: Stop!

Leave me...

but he fucked it up for me!

I've waited so long to do this.

RIVERSA RED: No!

[RIVERSA SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

No!

[GRUNTING]

Stop!

Stop!

Fuck you!

Shoot.

Fuck you!

[GUN CLICKS]

Don pulled the prop out.

No!

LODGEBOY: I was going to give you a little foreplay.

But we'll just get down to the nitty gritty.

[SCREAMING]

DON: You know, a hard man is good to find.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[KNIFE SLASHING]

Who's the piss ant now?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

That's a picture right by my lodgeboy.

I'm real... real sorry you got to see me like this, Miss Red.

I know I've got to look like some kind of creature.

No, no.

I'm not going to hurt you.

I would never hurt you, Miss Red.

I'd kill for you.

But I guess you figured that out by now.

[PANTING]

I want you to get on the trail, and you

just go as fast and as far as that bum ankle will take you.

And I am so so sorry about the way I treated you earlier.

But I just couldn't let anybody know

I wasn't going to kill you.

Because nothing, and I mean nothing

will get you back on top like mass homicide.

My story's got a beginning, a middle, and it's got an end.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]