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Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
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Robert Hix here for Samuel Bachman.
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Hello fans of ShowBiz Today,
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this afternoon we are in the backyard
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of Hollywood schlockmeister
Samuel Bachman.
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Please, call me Sammy.
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As I was saying Sammy
Bachman has Hollywood all abuzz
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because in a dazzling bid of showmanship,
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he managed to outbid the entire town
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for the rights to the national
bestseller, Angels on Tap.
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So tell us, how did you pull of this coup.
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How does Sammy Bachman,
formerly best known
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for such straight video
schlock as Wuthering Heights,
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A Gool of My Dreams and One Man's Poison,
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win out in a bidding war
that ultimately pitted you
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against the legendary Harvey Weinstein
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for the rights of this
modern comedy classic?
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Well, if I do say so
myself, when Sammy Bachman
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sets his sights on something,
he's a regular bagel.
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A bagel?
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Yeah you know the southern dogs
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with the good nose and the flop ears.
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Do you mean a Beagle?
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Bagel, Beagle, potatoes,
potatoes, listen,
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all I knew, once I quit horsing around
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with those measly 10 grand raises
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00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:13,763
and I raised ol' Harv
a cool mill, he plots.
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Plots?
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Yeah you know, plots, like fold up,
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the way something folds up
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when you raise it a cool mill, uhn yeah.
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Like a Harvey Weinstein.
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Yeah like that.
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Aren't your worried
that he'll seek revenge.
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Rumor has it Mr. Weinstein
does not like loosing.
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Who likes loosing?
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Did that English guy Lord Nielson,
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did he like loosing at Waterloo?
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Actually it's Lord Nelson
and he won at Waterloo,
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it was Napoleon who lost.
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It was.
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Well that's not the way we had it
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00:02:43,865 --> 00:02:45,513
in the Wild Women of Waterloo.
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Our ending is better, if he'd lost,
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Napoleon would have been in
no mood for a full scale orgy.
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Yeah getting back to Harvey Weinstein,
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aren't you worried that
you've made yourself
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a dangerous enemy.
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Yeah, are you kidding, me and ol' Harv,
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we're like this, believe me,
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00:03:04,265 --> 00:03:06,565
it's just a coincidence
I hired a food taster.
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I think our audience would like to know
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what it was about this story
that touched you so much
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that you would, if the rumors are true,
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'caused you to sell off
your entire art collection
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in order to buy the rights.
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Those rumors are true.
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I had to sell off all my
Monits, and my Daidies
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00:03:28,732 --> 00:03:30,663
and even my precious Suzzanies.
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I believe you mean
Monets, Dolly's and Suzanis.
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Did you ever own one?
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No.
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My point exactly.
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Okay well out of all
the books out there,
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what, why did you need to
turn Angels into a movie.
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Because it was so darn magical.
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You haven't read it have you?
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No, I'm a pretty busy guy.
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Yeah sure, you probably
spend hours a day
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messing with that hair.
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Not hours, hair like
this doesn't grow on trees.
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Don't I wish, trees I have.
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Let me tell you about the book
and maybe you'll understand
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why I had to buy the rights.
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Relax Bobby, you wanted to know why
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I had to sell off my art collection,
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I'm gonna tell you.
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So it starts out, this poor dumb shmuck
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is driving home from work.
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It so happens, he's a reporter,
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always had dreams of writing a bestseller,
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but like someone else I
know, he never had the time,
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but what he really lacked
was a story worth telling.
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Anyway so he's driving home from work
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and his car begins to act up
so he pulls off the freeway,
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think he's gonna call Triple A,
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he finds that his cell
phone is dead.
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So he spots a bar, he
figures, have a groosky,
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00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,795
call the Auto Club,
while he waits for a tow.
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He steps inside, and what does he see?
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I don't know, I told you
I didn't read the book.
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Angels.
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Angels?
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Real live angels, like
I told you, it's magical.
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Now I'm gonna tell you
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exactly how I see the movie in my head.
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Now you might thing it would
be a rather startling sight,
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maybe you're even thinking
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he wouldn't notice right off the bat,
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even if you weren't worried about your car
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and whether the Auto Club would arrive
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before the second coming
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or whether there'd ever be
peace in the Middle East
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or whether my red socks
would ever have the
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to carry themselves through July for once,
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what you need to remember
is everyone in the bar
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from the bartender to the customers alike,
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they all had wings
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and under those circumstances,
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it might not be as
obvious as you may think.
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Anytime enough people
are doing the same thing,
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whether it's the wave or watching dancing
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with their husbands,
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it just might not be as
startling as you may think.
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So there was Prelutsky, nursing a beer
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and surrounded by all these wings.
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He was trying to play
cool but it wasn't easy,
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I mean we've all seen wings
but they've been attached to
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birds and airplanes and hospitals.
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Seeing them attached to
a room full of people
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is another matter,
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he didn't want to be rude and stare,
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one can't help but peeping.
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I gotta give the guy credit, if it was me,
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I would have run out of the joint
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and check myself into a mental ward
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and had myself checked out by shrinks,
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could you imagine being surrounded
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by an entire room full of angels.
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Not really, I mean,
what makes you think that
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he didn't just make it all up?
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I met the writer, Prelutsky,
he's not that smart.
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Hi, I'm Gabriel.
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Am I dead?
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No, we are.
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Oh, beginning to wonder why
I was seeing so many angels.
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Lots of people see angels,
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but it's usually just one at a time.
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You're a reporter aren't you?
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Well how did you know that?
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You'd be surprised what we know.
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Give me a year and I'll
tell you what happened?
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1513.
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Yeah, hmmm, nothing.
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You don't remember 1513?
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Oh I remember it, but
nothing memorable happened,
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it was a lot like 762.
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Every once in while a year comes along
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that is so boring, the
best thing you can do
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is lie down and take a nap.
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I know what you mean,
I was that way in 1997.
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Yeah, that was the snooze.
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Ask me about 1398.
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What happened in 1398?
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Jan Hus was lecturing on
theology at Prague University.
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And that made it memorable?
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You bet, because Jan Hus
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was the most boring speaker in the world.
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10 minutes into his talk,
500 people would fall asleep,
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if he rehearsed his speech at home,
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his dog would fall asleep,
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even birds would fall out of a tree.
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Gee and I thought Jeff Bush was bad.
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I should tell you, you're
not the only writer to stop by.
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I'm not.
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A lot of guys have been here
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but nothings ever gotten published,
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00:08:09,975 --> 00:08:12,553
Shelley tried it with the signs,
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00:08:12,555 --> 00:08:14,583
Homer with the Greek tragedy,
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I'll tell you what I told them,
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it's just a bar, it's a
bar like any other bar
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except all the customers are angels,
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which means they have
wings but no pockets,
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so don't expect a lot of tips.
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This is a story that has to be told.
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But it's never gonna be published,
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they're gonna laugh at you son,
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they are gonna say it's unbelievable.
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They published The
Bridges of Madison County,
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anything is possible.
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What's with the black wings,
is that a fashion statement?
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Some of the angels think
it makes them look thinner.
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00:08:51,727 --> 00:08:53,323
And that was the beginning of the story
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that changed his life.
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On the spot, he immediately
began interviewing
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the entire flock of them,
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00:08:58,895 --> 00:09:01,433
flock being the appropriate
word by the way.
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You got a den of thieves, pride of lions
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and a flock of angels.
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00:09:05,615 --> 00:09:07,393
Just in case you ever wake up one morning
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and you find yourself on Jeopardy.
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In short order he
commandeered a corner table
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00:09:10,855 --> 00:09:13,003
and let it be known that
the drinks were on him
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00:09:13,005 --> 00:09:15,143
as long as the angels
answered all of his questions.
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00:09:15,145 --> 00:09:18,144
He wanted to know who they
were, what their jobs were
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00:09:18,146 --> 00:09:19,593
and whether or not for the most part
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00:09:19,595 --> 00:09:21,083
angeling was a good job.
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00:09:21,085 --> 00:09:22,935
How does one become an angel?
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00:09:24,095 --> 00:09:27,843
Back in the old days,
I mean God created em,
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00:09:27,845 --> 00:09:30,453
more or less from whole cloth.
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00:09:30,455 --> 00:09:35,455
But after people started
began all of that,
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00:09:36,395 --> 00:09:38,273
the angels couldn't keep up,
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00:09:38,275 --> 00:09:43,275
so God solved that one by
appointing human beings.
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00:09:43,975 --> 00:09:45,223
Dead ones.
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00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:48,243
Yes, that was the one pre-requisite.
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00:09:48,245 --> 00:09:50,223
So what's the procedure?
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00:09:50,225 --> 00:09:53,903
Well first you die and then
if your papers are processed,
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00:09:53,905 --> 00:09:55,653
they'll give you an assignment.
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00:09:55,655 --> 00:09:57,383
What sort of assignments do you get?
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00:09:57,385 --> 00:10:01,933
Well most of us are
supposed to look after people,
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00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,211
but only in certain restricted areas.
212
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,443
So you're all specialists.
213
00:10:07,445 --> 00:10:08,603
Exactly.
214
00:10:08,605 --> 00:10:10,893
Do you think your friends
would agree to be interviewed?
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00:10:10,895 --> 00:10:13,983
I don't see why not,
as long as you're buying,
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00:10:13,985 --> 00:10:15,643
they talked to all the others.
217
00:10:15,645 --> 00:10:16,745
Who were the others?
218
00:10:17,765 --> 00:10:22,765
Shakespeare, Milton, Twain,
Melville, Poe, Tolstoy,
219
00:10:24,105 --> 00:10:27,185
not to mention Hemingway and Spillane
220
00:10:28,635 --> 00:10:30,453
They all stopped by.
221
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,973
Shakespeare.
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00:10:31,975 --> 00:10:33,935
Right here at this spot.
223
00:10:35,185 --> 00:10:36,155
Or was that Bacon.
224
00:10:37,555 --> 00:10:39,803
One of those two plum guys.
225
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,393
Two plums?
226
00:10:41,395 --> 00:10:46,313
Yeah one for wearing
and one for writing.
227
00:10:46,315 --> 00:10:49,785
Twain and Belvo, I can't
believe they've all been here.
228
00:10:50,635 --> 00:10:54,833
That's the problem,
nobody could believe it.
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00:10:54,835 --> 00:10:58,033
They all wrote stuff about us
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00:10:58,035 --> 00:11:00,363
but they couldn't get it published,
231
00:11:00,365 --> 00:11:04,253
I mean you won't be able to either.
232
00:11:04,255 --> 00:11:06,345
Well don't be too sure about that.
233
00:11:06,347 --> 00:11:11,347
Hey if William Shakespeare
and Mickey Spillane struck out,
234
00:11:13,165 --> 00:11:15,165
what chance do you think you have?
235
00:11:16,995 --> 00:11:18,643
People are a lot more open today
236
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:19,943
and a lot more broad minded
237
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:22,003
accepting things they can't see.
238
00:11:22,005 --> 00:11:23,613
Do you mean gullible?
239
00:11:23,615 --> 00:11:24,883
I just mean there's a lot more interest
240
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,653
in the spiritual these days
241
00:11:26,655 --> 00:11:27,713
and people are ready,
242
00:11:27,715 --> 00:11:30,723
even eager to believe in the unbelievable.
243
00:11:30,725 --> 00:11:31,683
I know what you mean,
244
00:11:31,685 --> 00:11:34,365
I've seen some of those TV infomercials.
245
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:37,355
Name's Wully.
246
00:11:38,605 --> 00:11:40,963
Food and beverage are my line.
247
00:11:40,965 --> 00:11:43,373
I didn't know that heaven
was involved with such things.
248
00:11:43,375 --> 00:11:47,113
Well officially I work for
the food and beverage division
249
00:11:47,115 --> 00:11:48,363
of the health department.
250
00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:50,203
That woman over there by the pool table
251
00:11:50,205 --> 00:11:52,143
running in place is Joyce,
252
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,913
she's the angel of jugging,
253
00:11:53,915 --> 00:11:56,753
and that good looking guy over
there hoggling her is Shawn,
254
00:11:56,755 --> 00:11:58,533
he's the angel of dieting.
255
00:11:58,535 --> 00:12:00,193
Ours is one of the few departments
256
00:12:00,195 --> 00:12:01,903
that's actually expanding.
257
00:12:01,905 --> 00:12:05,473
Right off the top of my head
I'm thinking, Robin Williams,
258
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,663
would be terrific as a
food and beverage guy,
259
00:12:07,665 --> 00:12:10,583
do you remember how funny
he was in Mrs. Doubtliar.
260
00:12:10,585 --> 00:12:12,073
Doubtfire.
261
00:12:12,075 --> 00:12:15,829
And I'm afraid Mr.
Williams died a while back.
262
00:12:15,831 --> 00:12:16,813
Oh.
263
00:12:16,815 --> 00:12:17,648
Yeah.
264
00:12:19,775 --> 00:12:23,553
You miss Variety one week,
you can never catch up.
265
00:12:23,555 --> 00:12:25,593
Hello, what's your name.
266
00:12:25,595 --> 00:12:26,485
Cyrus.
267
00:12:27,935 --> 00:12:29,613
You have something to do with travel.
268
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,573
I've got everything to do with it.
269
00:12:31,575 --> 00:12:33,473
And believe me it's not easy.
270
00:12:33,475 --> 00:12:35,353
What with all the different
timezones, half the time
271
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,903
I don't know if I'm coming or going.
272
00:12:36,905 --> 00:12:38,373
You travel by plane?
273
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,293
No, clouds.
274
00:12:40,295 --> 00:12:43,593
Used to be the best way
to fly, slow, stress free,
275
00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:47,123
you could really stretch out,
you could read on the way.
276
00:12:47,125 --> 00:12:48,593
One trip I read all of Mark Twain,
277
00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:50,123
got half way through Pruist.
278
00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:51,313
What are your duties?
279
00:12:51,315 --> 00:12:54,453
Cars and buses, jet
planes and helicopters,
280
00:12:54,455 --> 00:12:56,073
motorcycles and roller blades.
281
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:58,503
And as if all that weren't
enough, cigarette boats,
282
00:12:58,505 --> 00:13:01,633
parachutes and bungee
cords, it's all madness.
283
00:13:01,635 --> 00:13:03,843
The trip itself used to be part and parcel
284
00:13:03,845 --> 00:13:05,103
of the travel experience.
285
00:13:05,105 --> 00:13:07,103
People used to voyage and journey.
286
00:13:07,105 --> 00:13:08,753
The very words themselves
287
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,213
suggest an experience of self discovery,
288
00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:15,663
people set sail, they cast
off, they even sally forth.
289
00:13:15,665 --> 00:13:18,583
These days people's idea of a
trip is a ride at a carnival
290
00:13:18,585 --> 00:13:19,733
that combines the west elements
291
00:13:19,735 --> 00:13:22,113
of speed, noise and weightlessness.
292
00:13:22,115 --> 00:13:23,473
Today travel is strictly
293
00:13:23,475 --> 00:13:25,773
a matter of moving from point A to point B
294
00:13:25,775 --> 00:13:28,093
and back to point A in as pointless a way
295
00:13:28,095 --> 00:13:29,623
as mechanically possible.
296
00:13:29,625 --> 00:13:32,503
If someone ever devises a
way to transport human beings
297
00:13:32,505 --> 00:13:34,733
through noematic tubes,
he'll make a fortune.
298
00:13:34,735 --> 00:13:36,093
The casting possible in it
299
00:13:36,095 --> 00:13:37,493
is enough to make my head explode.
300
00:13:37,495 --> 00:13:39,673
I mean this could be another
Around the World in 80 Days
301
00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:43,633
because basically we've
got like, 14 or 15 cameos.
302
00:13:43,635 --> 00:13:45,903
I mean nobody could try to
hold us up for 20 million
303
00:13:45,905 --> 00:13:47,113
when they're only gonna be in the picture
304
00:13:47,115 --> 00:13:49,043
for five or six minutes right,
305
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:50,295
everyone's gonna want in.
306
00:13:52,435 --> 00:13:54,823
Would you mind
answering a few questions?
307
00:13:54,825 --> 00:13:56,165
Not at all young man.
308
00:13:58,475 --> 00:14:01,593
You seem to be enjoying
that magazine, what is it?
309
00:14:01,595 --> 00:14:02,973
TV Guide.
310
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,013
It's my bible.
311
00:14:05,015 --> 00:14:08,253
You understand that's
just a figure of speech.
312
00:14:08,255 --> 00:14:09,543
You must really enjoy the articles,
313
00:14:09,545 --> 00:14:11,813
I've never realized they were so funny.
314
00:14:11,815 --> 00:14:15,233
I don't read the articles,
I read the listings.
315
00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:18,183
When I read the little blurbs,
they remind of the episode.
316
00:14:18,185 --> 00:14:21,263
Like I was just reading about
this episode of Frasier,
317
00:14:21,265 --> 00:14:24,603
the one where Niles winds up setting fire
318
00:14:24,605 --> 00:14:27,245
to Frasier's favorite couch.
319
00:14:41,705 --> 00:14:45,123
You've memorized every
episode of Frasier?
320
00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:49,223
I've memorized every
episode of every show.
321
00:14:49,225 --> 00:14:50,413
Wow.
322
00:14:50,415 --> 00:14:53,013
Yes, I believe that television
323
00:14:53,015 --> 00:14:55,903
is the greatest invention of all time.
324
00:14:55,905 --> 00:14:59,293
That's why I'm so proud
to be associated with it.
325
00:14:59,295 --> 00:15:02,233
A lot of people regard it
as a terrible waste of time.
326
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:06,335
Well I think a lot of people
are a terrible waste of time.
327
00:15:08,445 --> 00:15:10,873
What's the best
thing about being an angel?
328
00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:12,273
It's a job.
329
00:15:12,275 --> 00:15:13,883
Is it like being alive though?
330
00:15:13,885 --> 00:15:16,473
Oh yeah, in some cases
it's all the way better.
331
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:18,253
We never have to punch a clock.
332
00:15:18,255 --> 00:15:20,303
And what's the worst?
333
00:15:20,305 --> 00:15:25,305
No paid vacations, no
bad mouthing management.
334
00:15:25,745 --> 00:15:27,994
Can't you complain to anyone?
335
00:15:27,996 --> 00:15:31,175
Of course, it's a god
given right to gripe,
336
00:15:32,035 --> 00:15:37,035
unfortunately it's a right
that god reserves for himself.
337
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:42,233
You should hear him when he gets started.
338
00:15:42,235 --> 00:15:45,693
You would think nothing ever
worked out the way he planned.
339
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,155
Really, like what?
340
00:15:48,345 --> 00:15:49,333
You name it.
341
00:15:49,335 --> 00:15:50,243
Sex.
342
00:15:50,245 --> 00:15:52,693
Big mistake, total accident.
343
00:15:52,695 --> 00:15:55,655
I mean Satan completely
blind-sighted him on that one.
344
00:15:57,745 --> 00:16:01,103
The truth, I don't think
god's ever gotten over it.
345
00:16:01,105 --> 00:16:04,513
How did god expect people
to reproduce without sex?
346
00:16:04,515 --> 00:16:07,863
I mean let's face it Horace, without sex,
347
00:16:07,865 --> 00:16:10,833
Adam would have been the
first man and the last man,
348
00:16:10,835 --> 00:16:12,763
I mean surely god didn't
expect human beings
349
00:16:12,765 --> 00:16:15,883
to be a mere footnote in
the history of the universe.
350
00:16:15,885 --> 00:16:17,473
Actually he did.
351
00:16:17,475 --> 00:16:18,306
Really.
352
00:16:18,308 --> 00:16:23,308
Sure, if you ever run
into him, don't bring it up.
353
00:16:23,665 --> 00:16:26,623
I mean learn from my bitter experience,
354
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,829
don't get him started.
355
00:16:28,831 --> 00:16:29,783
According to Horace,
356
00:16:29,785 --> 00:16:33,853
each of you has a specific
area of responsibility,
357
00:16:33,855 --> 00:16:35,123
what's yours?
358
00:16:35,125 --> 00:16:36,773
I'd rather not say.
359
00:16:36,775 --> 00:16:38,263
Why not?
360
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:40,573
It's embarrassing.
361
00:16:40,575 --> 00:16:44,003
Why don't I tell you something
embarrassing about myself,
362
00:16:44,005 --> 00:16:45,143
then it's your turn.
363
00:16:45,145 --> 00:16:48,795
Fair is fair, my middle name is Beagle,
364
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,135
my mother raised them.
365
00:16:53,075 --> 00:16:57,163
Well you're right Beagle
boy, compared to that
366
00:16:57,165 --> 00:17:00,243
my secret's pretty puny stuff.
367
00:17:00,245 --> 00:17:02,883
I'm responsible for the fine arts.
368
00:17:02,885 --> 00:17:04,663
What's so awful about that?
369
00:17:04,665 --> 00:17:05,925
Just look around you.
370
00:17:06,865 --> 00:17:08,423
In the blink of an eye the world has gone
371
00:17:08,425 --> 00:17:12,033
from Bach and Beethoven to reggae and rap,
372
00:17:12,035 --> 00:17:13,743
we've gone from Run Brand and Da Vinci
373
00:17:13,745 --> 00:17:15,735
to pop art and graffiti,
374
00:17:16,595 --> 00:17:18,165
think how that reflects on me.
375
00:17:19,185 --> 00:17:22,123
How would you feel if
everyone held you responsible
376
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,463
for the fall of western civilization?
377
00:17:24,465 --> 00:17:26,883
Do you have anything to do
with professional wrestlers
378
00:17:26,885 --> 00:17:28,003
or log?
379
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,813
Well not directly but,
380
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:33,307
nobody I dear say is
immune to my influence.
381
00:17:33,309 --> 00:17:34,393
Oh really?
382
00:17:34,395 --> 00:17:38,143
Oh yes, I'm Lydia the angel of romance.
383
00:17:38,145 --> 00:17:41,533
At least romance used to be my field.
384
00:17:41,535 --> 00:17:45,183
Now of course it's faded
away like an old rose,
385
00:17:45,185 --> 00:17:47,453
pressed between the pages of a diary.
386
00:17:47,455 --> 00:17:48,835
It's really so sad.
387
00:17:49,675 --> 00:17:54,263
Keltrastess, in olden
days, romance meant a lover
388
00:17:54,265 --> 00:17:57,863
scaling walls, or slaying
dragons of one sort or another
389
00:17:57,865 --> 00:18:01,003
and pledging himself to his true love.
390
00:18:01,005 --> 00:18:02,093
Are you talking about chivalry,
391
00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:04,293
isn't that a bit old fashioned.
392
00:18:04,295 --> 00:18:08,003
And what sir is outdated
about eternal bliss?
393
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:09,943
What's uncomfortable about lovers
394
00:18:09,945 --> 00:18:11,913
pledging their troth to one another?
395
00:18:11,915 --> 00:18:12,855
Their what?
396
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:14,793
That's another thing,
397
00:18:14,795 --> 00:18:16,833
people used to know what troth meant.
398
00:18:16,835 --> 00:18:20,173
Now their lawyers hammer out pre-nuptials.
399
00:18:20,175 --> 00:18:22,753
Once upon a time we had soulmates
400
00:18:22,755 --> 00:18:24,853
and two hearts that beat as one.
401
00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:26,953
Now they're significant others.
402
00:18:26,955 --> 00:18:30,513
Men snooker about hooshers
and women giggle about butts.
403
00:18:30,515 --> 00:18:33,903
How can romance flourish
when you treat one another
404
00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:37,583
like so many interchangeable
body parts like Chevys
405
00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:38,835
or the Colonel's Chicken.
406
00:18:40,605 --> 00:18:42,113
Uncle Sydney.
407
00:18:42,115 --> 00:18:44,863
I'm afraid not sunny
boy, my handle's Harry.
408
00:18:44,865 --> 00:18:46,313
I did know an Uncle Sydney once
409
00:18:46,315 --> 00:18:48,173
but he was my uncle, not yours.
410
00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:50,963
It's just that you look so familiar.
411
00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:54,343
I think I look a bit like
Ziegfeld, a little taller,
412
00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:55,833
better looking with wings.
413
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,573
I'm thinking maybe George Clooney,
414
00:18:58,575 --> 00:18:59,583
he's pretty cool isn't he.
415
00:18:59,585 --> 00:19:02,263
Oh yeah very cool, he
also has very nice hair.
416
00:19:02,265 --> 00:19:05,373
Again with the hair, just listen.
417
00:19:05,375 --> 00:19:07,315
What is your job Harry.
418
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:10,605
What job don't I have, I've done it all.
419
00:19:11,545 --> 00:19:14,533
Best of all I've done it my way.
420
00:19:14,535 --> 00:19:18,303
I invented show business, it's my life,
421
00:19:18,305 --> 00:19:20,333
or at least it would be if I had a life.
422
00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:22,370
Before me, people knew there was something
423
00:19:22,372 --> 00:19:23,373
missing in their lives
424
00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:24,703
but they didn't know what.
425
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,023
They sat around for hours on end on rocks,
426
00:19:27,025 --> 00:19:28,451
scratching and moaning.
427
00:19:28,453 --> 00:19:29,523
Well how did you go about it.
428
00:19:29,525 --> 00:19:30,793
Well I began with the women,
429
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,162
every night I'll get them to go up
430
00:19:32,164 --> 00:19:33,473
to their husbands and say,
431
00:19:33,475 --> 00:19:36,233
you never take me out, we
never do anything together.
432
00:19:36,235 --> 00:19:39,053
Within a week, Harry,
the first entertainer,
433
00:19:39,055 --> 00:19:40,003
was packing them in.
434
00:19:40,005 --> 00:19:41,593
Doing what?
435
00:19:41,595 --> 00:19:44,493
Harry used to throw 19 rocks
in the air at the same time.
436
00:19:44,495 --> 00:19:46,423
And that's how we got joggling?
437
00:19:46,425 --> 00:19:48,713
No that's how you got
dodging and ducking.
438
00:19:48,715 --> 00:19:49,973
Joggling came along much later,
439
00:19:49,975 --> 00:19:51,523
it involved three oranges.
440
00:19:51,525 --> 00:19:54,063
My name is Minerva young man,
441
00:19:54,065 --> 00:19:57,183
and my field of expertise,
if I might call it that
442
00:19:57,185 --> 00:20:00,203
without appearing immodest, is athletics.
443
00:20:00,205 --> 00:20:01,543
I would have never guessed.
444
00:20:01,545 --> 00:20:04,243
Actually, I'm relatively new to the job.
445
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:06,913
Formerly, I was in charge
of what used to be known
446
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,903
as the social graces.
447
00:20:08,905 --> 00:20:11,633
But there has been less and
less call for my services
448
00:20:11,635 --> 00:20:16,023
until finally I was as
redundant as an appendix.
449
00:20:16,025 --> 00:20:17,353
Well what happened?
450
00:20:17,355 --> 00:20:19,693
I was hoping you would tell me.
451
00:20:19,695 --> 00:20:23,193
All I know is that etiquette
used to be quite important,
452
00:20:23,195 --> 00:20:26,523
and then one day it wasn't.
453
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:31,525
My name is Alexander,
please don't call me Alex.
454
00:20:31,785 --> 00:20:35,033
You wouldn't possibly
know a 37 letter word
455
00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:37,903
for Villeinage, would you?
456
00:20:37,905 --> 00:20:39,533
No I don't.
457
00:20:39,535 --> 00:20:40,993
I didn't expect you to.
458
00:20:40,995 --> 00:20:44,693
Let me be so bold, you
seem a bit dispirited.
459
00:20:44,695 --> 00:20:47,283
Certainly discouraged.
460
00:20:47,285 --> 00:20:49,603
Not the crossword puzzle is it?
461
00:20:49,605 --> 00:20:52,503
Hardly, the 'cause for my lethrege
462
00:20:52,505 --> 00:20:55,925
is that for all intents and purposes,
463
00:20:57,113 --> 00:20:59,443
I've been out of work for 60 years.
464
00:20:59,445 --> 00:21:01,223
Well that's a problem.
465
00:21:01,225 --> 00:21:04,143
What is it that you do or did?
466
00:21:04,145 --> 00:21:07,333
My job was guiding geniuses.
467
00:21:07,335 --> 00:21:11,435
Hence I've been unemployed
since April 18, 1955.
468
00:21:12,735 --> 00:21:14,143
What happened on that date?
469
00:21:14,145 --> 00:21:15,125
Einstein died.
470
00:21:16,805 --> 00:21:18,273
I guess you're a happy angel.
471
00:21:18,275 --> 00:21:21,913
Oh why is that? Do you
know something I don't?
472
00:21:21,915 --> 00:21:23,943
Well I thought that
although romance and the arts
473
00:21:23,945 --> 00:21:25,703
might have been going to the dogs
474
00:21:25,705 --> 00:21:29,023
that you can't knock modern technology?
475
00:21:29,025 --> 00:21:30,983
You can't, not if you
know what's good for you.
476
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:33,113
It could knock back and really hurt you.
477
00:21:33,115 --> 00:21:35,113
You're not a fan of progress.
478
00:21:35,115 --> 00:21:36,823
Do you realize they
now have a lethal gas
479
00:21:36,825 --> 00:21:38,713
you can't see or smell.
480
00:21:38,715 --> 00:21:40,443
With just two ounces,
481
00:21:40,445 --> 00:21:42,795
you could wipe Southern
California off the map.
482
00:21:44,885 --> 00:21:46,783
I see you're smiling.
483
00:21:46,785 --> 00:21:48,253
Just visualizing.
484
00:21:48,255 --> 00:21:50,703
Be that as it may, Mr. Wisenheimer,
485
00:21:50,705 --> 00:21:53,533
my point is that one man's progress
486
00:21:53,535 --> 00:21:56,043
is another man's poisoned gas.
487
00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:58,053
What a very good point it is.
488
00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:01,563
Where did we go wrong, how
could we have been so blind?
489
00:22:01,565 --> 00:22:03,713
It wasn't our fault George.
490
00:22:03,715 --> 00:22:05,033
We were darn fools.
491
00:22:05,035 --> 00:22:08,763
We were no such thing,
we were idealists.
492
00:22:08,765 --> 00:22:11,253
Why are you being so hard on yourselves?
493
00:22:11,255 --> 00:22:15,003
Don't blame us, god knows we tried.
494
00:22:15,005 --> 00:22:17,183
There there dear, I'm
sure the nice gentlemen
495
00:22:17,185 --> 00:22:19,653
realizes that we did the best we can.
496
00:22:19,655 --> 00:22:21,233
More is the pity.
497
00:22:21,235 --> 00:22:24,343
Please excuse us, it's just
that when we started out,
498
00:22:24,345 --> 00:22:26,743
we had such high hopes for the future,
499
00:22:26,745 --> 00:22:28,893
we actually believed
there could be such things
500
00:22:28,895 --> 00:22:30,863
as perfect nurturing parents.
501
00:22:30,865 --> 00:22:33,293
And don't forget those
wonderful loving tots.
502
00:22:33,295 --> 00:22:34,983
We believed in them too.
503
00:22:34,985 --> 00:22:36,235
What is it that you do?
504
00:22:37,225 --> 00:22:38,685
We oversee parenting.
505
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,513
Anyone could see our next subject
506
00:22:41,515 --> 00:22:44,113
was trying to drown his
sorrows and possibly himself
507
00:22:44,115 --> 00:22:45,973
at the rate he was
downing shots ,
508
00:22:45,975 --> 00:22:47,673
it was as if he was trying to finish off
509
00:22:47,675 --> 00:22:49,703
the work began decades earlier
510
00:22:49,705 --> 00:22:51,613
by carrying nation
511
00:22:51,615 --> 00:22:54,323
but instead of waging on boos
by shutting down distilleries
512
00:22:54,325 --> 00:22:57,193
through the 18th amendment, or sing an ax
513
00:22:57,195 --> 00:22:59,223
to break bar tops into kibbling,
514
00:22:59,225 --> 00:23:03,725
he was on a one man mission to
deplete the entire bar stock.
515
00:23:12,445 --> 00:23:13,395
What's your name?
516
00:23:17,225 --> 00:23:19,443
Who told you to sit down?
517
00:23:19,445 --> 00:23:20,445
You were sleeping.
518
00:23:21,815 --> 00:23:25,943
Well wake me up next time, my name's Al,
519
00:23:25,945 --> 00:23:30,945
actually it's, Aloicious Jailmally,
520
00:23:31,065 --> 00:23:32,973
my friends call me Swifty,
521
00:23:32,975 --> 00:23:34,652
at least that's what they used to call me
522
00:23:34,654 --> 00:23:36,519
when I still had friends.
523
00:23:36,521 --> 00:23:37,521
They died?
524
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:39,637
They did.
525
00:23:42,335 --> 00:23:43,673
Any of them here.
526
00:23:43,675 --> 00:23:48,675
I'm afraid not, none of my boys made it.
527
00:23:48,935 --> 00:23:52,543
Actually I guess I'm lucky
to have snuck through.
528
00:23:52,545 --> 00:23:53,663
You were a politician.
529
00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:58,665
No, no no no, I was
what you call an arranger.
530
00:23:59,225 --> 00:24:04,113
I helped arrange it for
other people to get elected.
531
00:24:04,115 --> 00:24:05,753
And now?
532
00:24:05,755 --> 00:24:10,243
Well my official duties
are to oversee politics,
533
00:24:10,245 --> 00:24:12,673
but mainly what I do is overlook.
534
00:24:12,675 --> 00:24:13,523
Overlook.
535
00:24:13,525 --> 00:24:16,173
As an angel I try to guide them,
536
00:24:16,175 --> 00:24:19,925
encourage them to do the right thing.
537
00:24:21,875 --> 00:24:26,153
Did you ever hear such a
flap doodle in all your life.
538
00:24:26,155 --> 00:24:27,783
We all want to have representatives
539
00:24:27,785 --> 00:24:29,383
in congress and in the white house
540
00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:31,703
that we can respect and look up to.
541
00:24:31,705 --> 00:24:35,183
The only politician the
people should look up to
542
00:24:35,185 --> 00:24:37,705
is the one that's
hanging from the gallows.
543
00:24:39,825 --> 00:24:42,153
Finally a cheerful angel.
544
00:24:42,155 --> 00:24:43,123
Well indeed I am,
545
00:24:43,125 --> 00:24:44,843
do you suppose that's because I only deal
546
00:24:44,845 --> 00:24:46,313
indirectly with humans?
547
00:24:46,315 --> 00:24:47,433
Who do you deal with?
548
00:24:47,435 --> 00:24:49,263
Why dogs of course.
549
00:24:49,265 --> 00:24:50,340
Dogs.
550
00:24:50,342 --> 00:24:53,619
Of course, why do
you sound so surprised.
551
00:24:53,621 --> 00:24:56,113
I never imagined that poodles
would have their own angel.
552
00:24:56,115 --> 00:24:57,743
Well isn't that like a human being,
553
00:24:57,745 --> 00:25:01,263
to think that heaven is more
about them than their pets.
554
00:25:01,265 --> 00:25:03,263
They're just poor dumb creatures.
555
00:25:03,265 --> 00:25:05,223
Oh I know,
556
00:25:05,225 --> 00:25:08,613
that's why we always try to
make allowances for people.
557
00:25:08,615 --> 00:25:11,163
I was talking about the dogs.
558
00:25:11,165 --> 00:25:12,223
I know.
559
00:25:12,225 --> 00:25:13,293
What about Meryl Streep.
560
00:25:13,295 --> 00:25:14,463
Oh what about her?
561
00:25:14,465 --> 00:25:15,296
Is she alive?
562
00:25:15,298 --> 00:25:16,433
Oh yes yes, she's alive.
563
00:25:16,435 --> 00:25:18,213
She'd be terrific as a dog angel.
564
00:25:18,215 --> 00:25:20,183
Yeah oh my, she's always terrific.
565
00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:21,913
Basically, we'll be guaranteed
566
00:25:21,915 --> 00:25:23,383
at least one Oscar nomination,
567
00:25:23,385 --> 00:25:25,913
I mean the lady sneezes
and she gets nominated.
568
00:25:25,915 --> 00:25:27,053
That is so true.
569
00:25:27,055 --> 00:25:29,541
What do you do for relaxation?
570
00:25:29,543 --> 00:25:31,373
Once in a while I do go rainbow sliding.
571
00:25:31,375 --> 00:25:32,383
What's that like?
572
00:25:32,385 --> 00:25:34,733
They're like those water
slides at the theme parks,
573
00:25:34,735 --> 00:25:35,993
except we don't have to buy tickets
574
00:25:35,995 --> 00:25:37,473
or stand in line all day.
575
00:25:37,475 --> 00:25:40,143
Didn't even realize
they had TV in heaven.
576
00:25:40,145 --> 00:25:42,583
It wouldn't be heaven without it.
577
00:25:42,585 --> 00:25:46,023
The only problem is some
angels don't feel that way.
578
00:25:46,025 --> 00:25:47,743
So I often have to mute it.
579
00:25:47,745 --> 00:25:49,353
That must make it hard on you?
580
00:25:49,355 --> 00:25:51,793
Fortunately I can read lips,
581
00:25:51,795 --> 00:25:55,023
besides they're mostly re-runs,
so I've seen them before.
582
00:25:55,025 --> 00:25:56,863
How many times have you
seen the Frasier episode
583
00:25:56,865 --> 00:25:58,783
that you were just reading about.
584
00:25:58,785 --> 00:26:00,773
Roughly 400 times
585
00:26:00,775 --> 00:26:03,663
but it just keeps getting
better and better.
586
00:26:03,665 --> 00:26:06,393
I guess it's because I'm getting to know
587
00:26:06,395 --> 00:26:08,763
the characters so well.
588
00:26:08,765 --> 00:26:12,093
I think I love Roz best of all.
589
00:26:12,095 --> 00:26:15,673
What forms of entertainment
are most popular in heaven?
590
00:26:15,675 --> 00:26:19,053
Usual things, Celetial
Quaz, Hop Concerts,
591
00:26:19,055 --> 00:26:21,713
lots of re-runs of I Love Lucy.
592
00:26:21,715 --> 00:26:25,023
What do you think of
the television medium?
593
00:26:25,025 --> 00:26:28,593
Well to quote the
great arch-angel Frenal,
594
00:26:28,595 --> 00:26:32,123
they call it a medium
because it's never done well.
595
00:26:32,125 --> 00:26:34,853
What form of entertainment
do you enjoy the most.
596
00:26:34,855 --> 00:26:37,745
Well in my book you
can't beat modern film.
597
00:26:39,325 --> 00:26:44,325
I mean dog acts, Ventrocus,
Tumblers, Arge Comics,
598
00:26:44,445 --> 00:26:48,003
German Comics, Sister
Acts, Barbershop, Quartets,
599
00:26:48,005 --> 00:26:50,213
the whole razzmatazz,
before that all you had
600
00:26:50,215 --> 00:26:53,243
was wandering minstrels and court jesters.
601
00:26:53,245 --> 00:26:56,363
Give me a dog that dances
on its hind legs anytime.
602
00:26:56,365 --> 00:26:57,913
Perhaps just well,
603
00:26:57,915 --> 00:27:00,123
but how much real
satisfaction can there be
604
00:27:00,125 --> 00:27:03,123
in overseeing the affairs of
creatures who pee on trees
605
00:27:03,125 --> 00:27:04,663
and go pop.
606
00:27:04,665 --> 00:27:09,263
And who are fearless,
loving, gentle and loyal
607
00:27:09,265 --> 00:27:11,473
and who don't start wars,
608
00:27:11,475 --> 00:27:14,273
lie, cheat or betray their friends,
609
00:27:14,275 --> 00:27:15,893
whose simple goodness
610
00:27:15,895 --> 00:27:19,733
and piety is an example for the saints,
611
00:27:19,735 --> 00:27:23,673
and yet here you sit truly
astonished by the fact that,
612
00:27:23,675 --> 00:27:26,343
we all have a special place
in our hearts for them,
613
00:27:26,345 --> 00:27:29,853
see I find that totally astonishing.
614
00:27:29,855 --> 00:27:32,603
And it may further shock you to know
615
00:27:32,605 --> 00:27:35,123
that their place in heaven is secure
616
00:27:35,125 --> 00:27:38,093
while the human race
is skating on thin ice.
617
00:27:38,095 --> 00:27:39,953
I never imagined.
618
00:27:39,955 --> 00:27:43,203
Well that's because it's
not their way to brag.
619
00:27:43,205 --> 00:27:48,043
Here on earth even, when a dog
wins a race or a blue ribbon,
620
00:27:48,045 --> 00:27:50,563
he doesn't hug the limelight,
621
00:27:50,565 --> 00:27:53,513
he's very willing to share
the glory with his people.
622
00:27:53,515 --> 00:27:55,653
So it's basically
been your responsibility
623
00:27:55,655 --> 00:27:58,385
to wean us off of bark and onto burgers.
624
00:27:59,405 --> 00:28:01,873
It's not as easy as it sounds.
625
00:28:01,875 --> 00:28:03,923
You people talk about developing a taste
626
00:28:03,925 --> 00:28:06,153
for olives and grand flakes
627
00:28:06,155 --> 00:28:08,143
but can you imagine how long it took me
628
00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:11,943
to convince the very first
person to try a lobster?
629
00:28:11,945 --> 00:28:14,873
plus keep in mind that butter
hadn't been invented yet.
630
00:28:14,875 --> 00:28:17,693
I bet it was even harder
to get us onto snails.
631
00:28:17,695 --> 00:28:19,653
I got lucky on that one.
632
00:28:19,655 --> 00:28:20,653
Butter or no butter,
633
00:28:20,655 --> 00:28:23,233
at the rate those little
rascals reproduce,
634
00:28:23,235 --> 00:28:25,793
if some French gardener
hadn't had a brainstorm
635
00:28:25,795 --> 00:28:28,213
and decided to call them escargot,
636
00:28:28,215 --> 00:28:30,333
you'd be buried in by now.
637
00:28:30,335 --> 00:28:32,923
How'd you like to coax
someone into trying yogurt
638
00:28:32,925 --> 00:28:35,073
before the stuff even had a name.
639
00:28:35,075 --> 00:28:36,503
How'd you manage?
640
00:28:36,505 --> 00:28:39,873
I found this lost soul
wandering in the Gobi Desert
641
00:28:39,875 --> 00:28:43,315
for two weeks, dining
on sand in his sneakers.
642
00:28:45,005 --> 00:28:48,733
Even at that, it took another
five days before he caved in.
643
00:28:48,735 --> 00:28:51,453
And are you telling me that
there's no other geniuses.
644
00:28:51,455 --> 00:28:52,833
Nothing much to speak off.
645
00:28:52,835 --> 00:28:54,073
Find that hard to believe.
646
00:28:54,075 --> 00:28:55,493
Of course you do.
647
00:28:55,495 --> 00:28:58,243
That's because human beings
throw the word around
648
00:28:58,245 --> 00:29:00,643
as recklessly as rice at a wedding.
649
00:29:00,645 --> 00:29:04,023
By actual count in the
history of the world,
650
00:29:04,025 --> 00:29:06,213
there have been nine geniuses.
651
00:29:06,215 --> 00:29:08,803
But, if you believe say People Magazine,
652
00:29:08,805 --> 00:29:11,493
they're as plentiful as
flees on a bloodhound.
653
00:29:11,495 --> 00:29:14,443
Everyone who ever directed
a movie that turned a profit
654
00:29:14,445 --> 00:29:17,103
or been a lawyer for a celebrity criminal
655
00:29:17,105 --> 00:29:19,203
or made a financial killing on Wall Street
656
00:29:19,205 --> 00:29:22,043
or made the cover of
People for that matter,
657
00:29:22,045 --> 00:29:23,653
qualifies for their pantheon.
658
00:29:23,655 --> 00:29:25,263
As it is, the last person
659
00:29:25,265 --> 00:29:28,893
who actually saught creative
inspiration was Andy Warhol,
660
00:29:28,895 --> 00:29:31,083
I'm afraid he misunderstood
when I told him
661
00:29:31,085 --> 00:29:32,483
that to be a great artist,
662
00:29:32,485 --> 00:29:35,313
he might have to eat
Campbell soup to survive.
663
00:29:35,315 --> 00:29:37,153
If it has you so upset,
664
00:29:37,155 --> 00:29:38,803
why don't you do something about it.
665
00:29:38,805 --> 00:29:43,805
I am a muse and clearly you
are unaware of a muse's role.
666
00:29:44,690 --> 00:29:47,543
What happened? Get all mused out?
667
00:29:47,545 --> 00:29:49,573
It's you people.
668
00:29:49,575 --> 00:29:52,223
You stopped wanting to
be divinely inspired,
669
00:29:52,225 --> 00:29:54,123
writers stopped writing great novels
670
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:56,323
and started writing bad TV shows.
671
00:29:56,325 --> 00:29:59,263
Composers lost interest in symphonies
672
00:29:59,265 --> 00:30:03,493
and concentrated on jingles
selling soap and potato chips.
673
00:30:03,495 --> 00:30:07,683
Architects stopped designing
cathedrals like Notre Dame
674
00:30:07,685 --> 00:30:10,583
and started designing
towers like Notre Trump.
675
00:30:10,585 --> 00:30:12,993
There used to be hundreds of
us in the Arts Department,
676
00:30:12,995 --> 00:30:14,643
it was thrilling.
677
00:30:14,645 --> 00:30:17,153
More than a mere job, it was a calling.
678
00:30:17,155 --> 00:30:22,013
Every time you turned around,
voila, another masterpiece.
679
00:30:22,015 --> 00:30:23,453
What happened?
680
00:30:23,455 --> 00:30:25,403
What always happens.
681
00:30:25,405 --> 00:30:27,883
Funding for the Arts dries up.
682
00:30:27,885 --> 00:30:31,743
The usual cut backs take
place and here I am,
683
00:30:31,745 --> 00:30:34,725
Helen, the lone surviving muse.
684
00:30:37,435 --> 00:30:39,933
Every time I read
that chapter I break up.
685
00:30:39,935 --> 00:30:42,803
Everything she says is so darn true.
686
00:30:42,805 --> 00:30:45,303
Don't you realize she's
talking about people like you,
687
00:30:45,305 --> 00:30:48,253
people who produce movies
like Wuthering Heights
688
00:30:48,255 --> 00:30:50,753
and the Wild Women of Waterloo.
689
00:30:50,755 --> 00:30:52,103
Of course I realize that,
690
00:30:52,105 --> 00:30:53,743
that's why I had to make
the ultimate sacrifice
691
00:30:53,745 --> 00:30:56,843
and sell my Monets and my
Susannies and my Dailies.
692
00:30:56,845 --> 00:30:59,873
That's why I have to have
my name on Angels on Tap,
693
00:30:59,875 --> 00:31:01,233
don't you understand?
694
00:31:01,235 --> 00:31:03,515
I'm trying to save my soul.
695
00:31:04,865 --> 00:31:06,903
Do you miss the old days?
696
00:31:06,905 --> 00:31:07,738
I sure do.
697
00:31:08,945 --> 00:31:11,273
If only we can turn the clock back.
698
00:31:11,275 --> 00:31:13,843
Ever relaxing carriage rides, train trips,
699
00:31:13,845 --> 00:31:16,213
long sea voyages, and on occasion,
700
00:31:16,215 --> 00:31:18,693
an exhilarating gallop across the meadow.
701
00:31:18,695 --> 00:31:22,033
Once in a great while, for a
refreshing change of scenery,
702
00:31:22,035 --> 00:31:23,713
a scent in a hot hair balloon.
703
00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:25,603
Today you get hit with
so many rushed jobs,
704
00:31:25,605 --> 00:31:27,893
we're all on shooting stars.
705
00:31:27,895 --> 00:31:30,013
I'll never forget the
day the wheel was invented.
706
00:31:30,015 --> 00:31:32,305
There was such excitement.
707
00:31:33,355 --> 00:31:35,043
Did they have any
idea what to do with it?
708
00:31:35,045 --> 00:31:36,393
None whatsoever.
709
00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:38,753
That's what made it so exciting.
710
00:31:38,755 --> 00:31:40,753
Everyone sensed they
were onto something big
711
00:31:40,755 --> 00:31:42,443
but they had no idea what.
712
00:31:42,445 --> 00:31:44,563
Was it one person
who made the discovery.
713
00:31:44,565 --> 00:31:47,143
Of course, it's always one person.
714
00:31:47,145 --> 00:31:49,303
As soon as you get a
second person in the room,
715
00:31:49,305 --> 00:31:52,473
all he'll do is tell the first
person to stop horsing around
716
00:31:52,475 --> 00:31:54,113
and get a real job.
717
00:31:54,115 --> 00:31:56,543
So who was it that discovered the wheel?
718
00:31:56,545 --> 00:31:58,043
It was a guy named Benny.
719
00:31:58,045 --> 00:32:01,043
He was just fooling around
one day with different shapes.
720
00:32:01,045 --> 00:32:04,103
It's very fortunate he
finally came up with round.
721
00:32:04,105 --> 00:32:05,283
What do you mean?
722
00:32:05,285 --> 00:32:08,085
Well for the longest time
he got hung up on triangles.
723
00:32:09,065 --> 00:32:12,875
Can you imagine driving around
on four steel rim triangles.
724
00:32:14,195 --> 00:32:15,323
I guess you could say that
725
00:32:15,325 --> 00:32:18,473
we were just a bunch of
general practitioners.
726
00:32:18,475 --> 00:32:21,603
Back then, there wasn't a lot of trouble
727
00:32:21,605 --> 00:32:24,003
that people could get into.
728
00:32:24,005 --> 00:32:27,503
So, just as long as they
didn't mix it up with witches
729
00:32:27,505 --> 00:32:29,083
and they remembered to say their prayers
730
00:32:29,085 --> 00:32:32,543
30 or 40 times a day, the job was a sab.
731
00:32:32,545 --> 00:32:34,423
What did it consist of?
732
00:32:34,425 --> 00:32:36,723
Mostly hovering.
733
00:32:36,725 --> 00:32:37,558
Hovering?
734
00:32:39,220 --> 00:32:42,873
You've seen it in all
the pagans, like cat.
735
00:32:42,875 --> 00:32:43,985
We hovered a lot.
736
00:32:45,515 --> 00:32:49,303
Whenever anybody important
was born, there we were
737
00:32:49,305 --> 00:32:50,465
hovering over him.
738
00:32:52,135 --> 00:32:55,783
Likewise, when they died, I mean,
739
00:32:55,785 --> 00:32:58,783
we'd show up at weddings and crucifixions
740
00:32:58,785 --> 00:33:00,995
and most of your bigger shit takes.
741
00:33:01,915 --> 00:33:03,003
Can you tell me about
742
00:33:03,005 --> 00:33:05,703
some of the great painters you have known?
743
00:33:05,705 --> 00:33:09,003
Well I hate to drop names but perhaps
744
00:33:09,005 --> 00:33:10,983
you've heard of Michael Angelo.
745
00:33:10,985 --> 00:33:13,435
I imagine he's one of
the greatest of them all.
746
00:33:14,285 --> 00:33:15,823
Certainly the laziest.
747
00:33:15,825 --> 00:33:17,293
How can you say that?
748
00:33:17,295 --> 00:33:20,353
A lazy man painted the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
749
00:33:20,355 --> 00:33:22,973
He only took the job because
he could do it lying down.
750
00:33:22,975 --> 00:33:25,283
Still it was a tremendous achievement,
751
00:33:25,285 --> 00:33:27,613
didn't it take him four or five years.
752
00:33:27,615 --> 00:33:30,303
Of course, that's
because he kept napping.
753
00:33:30,305 --> 00:33:33,443
Anyone else would have had it
finished in two weeks tops.
754
00:33:33,445 --> 00:33:36,593
Frankly, in all honesty, I have to admit,
755
00:33:36,595 --> 00:33:38,673
I outdid myself that time.
756
00:33:38,675 --> 00:33:39,933
How so?
757
00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:42,383
Maybe you think it's easy being museful,
758
00:33:42,385 --> 00:33:44,273
when every time you
come around, the artist
759
00:33:44,275 --> 00:33:48,463
is 200 feet up in the
air, snoring like a bear.
760
00:33:48,465 --> 00:33:52,053
I am amazed that you have
to oversee all the fine arts.
761
00:33:52,055 --> 00:33:55,622
I would think that painters
alone would keep you happy.
762
00:33:55,624 --> 00:33:57,783
Hoping mad.
763
00:33:57,785 --> 00:34:00,013
Somewhere along the
line the art of painting
764
00:34:00,015 --> 00:34:01,913
turned into the art of framing.
765
00:34:01,915 --> 00:34:05,443
People put frames around
dots and drips and smudges
766
00:34:05,445 --> 00:34:07,443
and the stuff sells for millions.
767
00:34:07,445 --> 00:34:09,923
Without the fancy frames,
they're the sort of things
768
00:34:09,925 --> 00:34:11,523
that parents of very young children
769
00:34:11,525 --> 00:34:14,343
attach to their refrigerators
with little magnets.
770
00:34:14,345 --> 00:34:16,063
You know our biggest mistake?
771
00:34:16,065 --> 00:34:17,643
Was letting parents
keep the children around
772
00:34:17,645 --> 00:34:19,773
even after the children
were bigger than they are.
773
00:34:19,775 --> 00:34:21,193
It breaks down the natural order of things
774
00:34:21,195 --> 00:34:22,633
when a parent gives a command
775
00:34:22,635 --> 00:34:24,673
and the child is like, oh yeah,
776
00:34:24,675 --> 00:34:28,483
who's gonna make me, or worst
of all, you and who else?
777
00:34:28,485 --> 00:34:31,002
Sounds like you're
talking about teenagers.
778
00:34:31,004 --> 00:34:34,843
Oh the awful T word, try not to say it.
779
00:34:34,845 --> 00:34:36,643
It's a modern aberration you know.
780
00:34:36,645 --> 00:34:38,883
Both the word and the thing itself,
781
00:34:38,885 --> 00:34:40,823
they're an offense to mother nature.
782
00:34:40,825 --> 00:34:43,663
Kind of like a butterfly
turning back into larvae.
783
00:34:43,665 --> 00:34:46,003
But haven't we always had teenagers?
784
00:34:46,005 --> 00:34:47,253
Of course not?
785
00:34:47,255 --> 00:34:49,503
But how can it be avoided.
786
00:34:49,505 --> 00:34:51,073
In those happier days there was simply
787
00:34:51,075 --> 00:34:52,923
no such thing as a teenager.
788
00:34:52,925 --> 00:34:53,833
You went straight from being
789
00:34:53,835 --> 00:34:56,803
an adorable little six year
old to a very short coal miner.
790
00:34:56,805 --> 00:34:59,793
I always say there's nothing
like a 16 hour work day
791
00:34:59,795 --> 00:35:01,143
to keep the young tikes out of mischief,
792
00:35:01,145 --> 00:35:03,113
if you know what I mean.
793
00:35:03,115 --> 00:35:04,333
What are your duties?
794
00:35:04,335 --> 00:35:07,133
Well let's just say if
it weren't for Old Wully,
795
00:35:07,135 --> 00:35:09,443
people would still be gnashing on twigs,
796
00:35:09,445 --> 00:35:12,133
grass and small rodents.
797
00:35:12,135 --> 00:35:13,633
When you put it that way,
798
00:35:13,635 --> 00:35:16,273
I guess I owe you a pretty large debt.
799
00:35:16,275 --> 00:35:17,803
I'd say so.
800
00:35:17,805 --> 00:35:20,823
Though I actually feel mice
were considered delicacies
801
00:35:20,825 --> 00:35:23,113
until just recently.
802
00:35:23,115 --> 00:35:25,583
Heck fella, it wasn't that
long ago that you folks
803
00:35:25,585 --> 00:35:28,413
gobbled up acorns like
they were bear nuts.
804
00:35:28,415 --> 00:35:29,993
Well what has changed?
805
00:35:29,995 --> 00:35:32,813
It was decided that there
weren't enough differences
806
00:35:32,815 --> 00:35:34,453
to distinguish human beings
807
00:35:34,455 --> 00:35:38,553
from owls and bears and wild boars
808
00:35:38,555 --> 00:35:42,033
and that perhaps diet might
be an area worth exploring.
809
00:35:42,035 --> 00:35:43,583
Who was the greatest genius.
810
00:35:43,585 --> 00:35:45,153
Well that's easy, it was Ag.
811
00:35:45,155 --> 00:35:46,143
Never heard of him.
812
00:35:46,145 --> 00:35:47,313
Of course you didn't,
813
00:35:47,315 --> 00:35:49,633
for one thing he never
made the cover of People
814
00:35:49,635 --> 00:35:52,213
and for another he was quite
a while before your time,
815
00:35:52,215 --> 00:35:54,693
several million years before.
816
00:35:54,695 --> 00:35:56,443
What made him such a genius?
817
00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:58,693
He invented the alphabet.
818
00:35:58,695 --> 00:36:00,853
That's quite an accomplishment.
819
00:36:00,855 --> 00:36:04,513
It was even better before he
caved in to outside pressure.
820
00:36:04,515 --> 00:36:05,663
What happened?
821
00:36:05,665 --> 00:36:08,513
He had a wife who
thought she was creative.
822
00:36:08,515 --> 00:36:11,653
Q, X and Z were her ideas.
823
00:36:11,655 --> 00:36:13,443
So Ag compromised.
824
00:36:13,445 --> 00:36:14,276
Well it was either that
825
00:36:14,278 --> 00:36:17,023
or sleep outside with the Tyrannosaurus.
826
00:36:17,025 --> 00:36:18,873
Genius is a demanding mistress
827
00:36:18,875 --> 00:36:21,553
but it's nothing compared to a pushy wife.
828
00:36:21,555 --> 00:36:23,142
I had a wife like Ag's.
829
00:36:23,144 --> 00:36:24,073
In what way?
830
00:36:24,075 --> 00:36:25,563
Pushy.
831
00:36:25,565 --> 00:36:27,155
Mrs. Bachman number one.
832
00:36:28,175 --> 00:36:30,773
And that divorce cost me
almost as much as this book,
833
00:36:30,775 --> 00:36:32,705
but it was money well spent.
834
00:36:32,707 --> 00:36:33,866
How so?
835
00:36:33,868 --> 00:36:35,433
It taught me that marrying someone
836
00:36:35,435 --> 00:36:37,573
just because they look good on your rom
837
00:36:37,575 --> 00:36:39,543
is a lousy reason to get married.
838
00:36:39,545 --> 00:36:41,043
Much better to go out and buy something
839
00:36:41,045 --> 00:36:42,673
that looks good on your wall.
840
00:36:42,675 --> 00:36:43,845
Like a Suzani.
841
00:36:44,815 --> 00:36:46,013
Yeah.
842
00:36:46,015 --> 00:36:48,793
When did things start
to go downhill for you?
843
00:36:48,795 --> 00:36:50,073
After Edison.
844
00:36:50,075 --> 00:36:52,663
I'd have to say it stopped being fun.
845
00:36:52,665 --> 00:36:54,103
You admired Edison?
846
00:36:54,105 --> 00:36:55,505
He flabbergasted me.
847
00:36:56,375 --> 00:37:00,053
He had a brain on him the
size of a bowling ball.
848
00:37:00,055 --> 00:37:02,823
They say the legs are the first to go,
849
00:37:02,825 --> 00:37:05,103
but if you got a brain like Edison's,
850
00:37:05,105 --> 00:37:06,513
it's the neck.
851
00:37:06,515 --> 00:37:08,443
I take it that you've
been on a first name basis
852
00:37:08,445 --> 00:37:10,303
with some of the biggest
brains in history.
853
00:37:10,305 --> 00:37:13,665
Is there any one moment
that stands out for you?
854
00:37:14,595 --> 00:37:15,426
No.
855
00:37:15,428 --> 00:37:17,033
Come on, there must be something.
856
00:37:17,035 --> 00:37:19,173
I mean the supper where Socrates
857
00:37:19,175 --> 00:37:21,013
expanded on the meaning of love,
858
00:37:21,015 --> 00:37:23,513
the day Shakespeare
drafted Hamlet's Soliloquy,
859
00:37:23,515 --> 00:37:25,583
Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity.
860
00:37:25,585 --> 00:37:28,083
What you think, Newton
was one of the nine?
861
00:37:28,085 --> 00:37:29,743
Well I assumed.
862
00:37:29,745 --> 00:37:33,333
The man was just lucky he
fell asleep under an apple tree.
863
00:37:33,335 --> 00:37:34,613
If it had been a palm tree,
864
00:37:34,615 --> 00:37:36,603
a coconut could have fallen on his head.
865
00:37:36,605 --> 00:37:37,653
And let me tell you,
866
00:37:37,655 --> 00:37:39,513
fella gets beaten by one of those babies,
867
00:37:39,515 --> 00:37:41,953
his big concern isn't
with the laws of nature,
868
00:37:41,955 --> 00:37:43,853
it's his health insurance.
869
00:37:43,855 --> 00:37:46,397
Still, he discovered gravity.
870
00:37:46,399 --> 00:37:49,713
He didn't discover it,
all he did was name it.
871
00:37:49,715 --> 00:37:51,193
What, you think he was the first person
872
00:37:51,195 --> 00:37:53,803
who ever noticed things didn't fall up?
873
00:37:53,805 --> 00:37:57,893
One idea that really knocked
me for a loop was the car.
874
00:37:57,895 --> 00:37:59,503
I still can't get over it.
875
00:37:59,505 --> 00:38:01,383
You mean the internal combustion engine.
876
00:38:01,385 --> 00:38:03,375
Oh good gracious no.
877
00:38:04,245 --> 00:38:05,833
That's just noisy and messy.
878
00:38:05,835 --> 00:38:08,423
I mean what made the fellow plunge ahead?
879
00:38:08,425 --> 00:38:10,593
How could he possibly imagine that others
880
00:38:10,595 --> 00:38:13,203
were going to invent paved roads,
881
00:38:13,205 --> 00:38:17,333
signals, street lights,
speed bumps, gas stations,
882
00:38:17,335 --> 00:38:19,913
tow trucks, and those big fuzzy dice,
883
00:38:19,915 --> 00:38:24,915
just to accommodate his
nutsy notion, what an ego.
884
00:38:25,125 --> 00:38:27,483
With an ego that enormous, you half expect
885
00:38:27,485 --> 00:38:29,783
to see a bunch of guys named Lars
886
00:38:29,785 --> 00:38:33,023
climbing up and planting a flag on it.
887
00:38:33,025 --> 00:38:34,433
I imagine that you've met
888
00:38:34,435 --> 00:38:36,723
all the greatest artists that ever lived.
889
00:38:36,725 --> 00:38:40,653
I knew them all, except for Roca.
890
00:38:40,655 --> 00:38:42,073
Who is Roca?
891
00:38:42,075 --> 00:38:44,503
He was the first one
to do cave drawings.
892
00:38:44,505 --> 00:38:48,315
By the time I realized it
was art and not vandalism,
893
00:38:49,155 --> 00:38:50,593
it was too late to meet him.
894
00:38:50,595 --> 00:38:52,623
Why, what happened?
895
00:38:52,625 --> 00:38:55,303
A dinosaur ate him for breakfast.
896
00:38:55,305 --> 00:38:57,943
And so art criticism was born.
897
00:38:57,945 --> 00:39:00,503
Who was the first professional comedian?
898
00:39:00,505 --> 00:39:04,313
The first professional
comedian was Henry Youngfellow
899
00:39:04,315 --> 00:39:06,503
but his career didn't last long.
900
00:39:06,505 --> 00:39:08,963
Every other line out of his mouth was,
901
00:39:08,965 --> 00:39:11,293
Pretty, taketh thee my wife.
902
00:39:11,295 --> 00:39:14,473
I always thought that court
jesters lived by their wits?
903
00:39:14,475 --> 00:39:15,793
In a sense they did.
904
00:39:15,795 --> 00:39:18,453
Their job, you see, was
to fall down laughing
905
00:39:18,455 --> 00:39:20,273
every time the king made a joke.
906
00:39:20,275 --> 00:39:22,673
The louder the laughed,
the longer they lived.
907
00:39:22,675 --> 00:39:24,103
That's why people started thinking
908
00:39:24,105 --> 00:39:26,123
that laughing was good for your health.
909
00:39:26,125 --> 00:39:28,343
Weren't any of the jesters funny?
910
00:39:28,345 --> 00:39:30,593
Well some laughed
funnier than the others.
911
00:39:30,595 --> 00:39:33,703
But even the jester known
as Agus the Hilarious,
912
00:39:33,705 --> 00:39:35,373
never had a better line than,
913
00:39:35,375 --> 00:39:38,675
she is no lady, she is Lord
Hashford's wife.
914
00:39:42,875 --> 00:39:46,463
Who do you regard as
the greatest romantics?
915
00:39:46,465 --> 00:39:49,443
One who readily comes
to mind is Shah Jahan
916
00:39:49,445 --> 00:39:52,323
who built the Taj Mahal as a mausoleum,
917
00:39:52,325 --> 00:39:56,473
when his wife, the lovely
Mumtaz Mahal passed away.
918
00:39:56,475 --> 00:39:59,313
Well the Taj Mahal
was a heck of a gesture.
919
00:39:59,315 --> 00:40:02,203
But nothing compared to the Taj Shirley.
920
00:40:02,205 --> 00:40:05,043
The Taj Shirley,
never heard of that one?
921
00:40:05,045 --> 00:40:06,523
It was the house that Shah Jahan
922
00:40:06,525 --> 00:40:08,463
had to build for his second wife
923
00:40:08,465 --> 00:40:11,543
when she got a gander at the
tomb he built for number one.
924
00:40:11,545 --> 00:40:15,293
As Shirley put it, and rightly
so if you want my opinion,
925
00:40:15,295 --> 00:40:17,203
that woman's living better than me,
926
00:40:17,205 --> 00:40:18,663
and she's dead.
927
00:40:18,665 --> 00:40:21,303
The place must have been spectacular.
928
00:40:21,305 --> 00:40:22,973
Oh my yes.
929
00:40:22,975 --> 00:40:26,113
Not only was it twice
as big as the Taj Mahal,
930
00:40:26,115 --> 00:40:30,463
but the reflecting pool was indoors.
931
00:40:30,465 --> 00:40:32,733
Say what you will about Shirley,
932
00:40:32,735 --> 00:40:35,123
she definitely knew what she wanted.
933
00:40:35,125 --> 00:40:37,183
Which invention impressed you the most?
934
00:40:37,185 --> 00:40:38,073
Where to start?
935
00:40:38,075 --> 00:40:40,613
There are so many you couldn't count.
936
00:40:40,615 --> 00:40:43,245
The safety pin was a real doozy.
937
00:40:44,155 --> 00:40:47,203
Very simple but a real money maker,
938
00:40:47,205 --> 00:40:49,273
and baseball cleats were another.
939
00:40:49,275 --> 00:40:50,633
Without the cleats,
940
00:40:50,635 --> 00:40:52,573
nobody would have ever
gotten to first base.
941
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:54,673
Half way there, they'd fall down.
942
00:40:54,675 --> 00:40:56,543
It's a very slippery game baseball.
943
00:40:56,545 --> 00:40:59,275
Without the cleats, it
would have been ice skating.
944
00:41:00,355 --> 00:41:03,463
The escalator is a snappy idea.
945
00:41:03,465 --> 00:41:04,993
And the juicer is a pip.
946
00:41:04,995 --> 00:41:06,713
Nothing I enjoy more in the morning
947
00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:10,273
than a nice fresh glass of orange juice.
948
00:41:10,275 --> 00:41:11,203
Do you like orange juice?
949
00:41:11,205 --> 00:41:12,233
Sure.
950
00:41:12,235 --> 00:41:14,143
Everybody does.
951
00:41:14,145 --> 00:41:17,853
But do you ever go to
a park and see a statue
952
00:41:17,855 --> 00:41:20,633
of the smart guy who made it all possible?
953
00:41:20,635 --> 00:41:24,180
And what about the fellow
who invented popcorn?
954
00:41:24,182 --> 00:41:27,923
I never thought of
popcorn as an invention.
955
00:41:27,925 --> 00:41:30,593
It doesn't exactly grow on
trees but technically speaking
956
00:41:30,595 --> 00:41:33,373
you're right, popcorn's
always been around.
957
00:41:33,375 --> 00:41:35,793
But it wasn't always food.
958
00:41:35,795 --> 00:41:37,283
It was packing material.
959
00:41:37,285 --> 00:41:39,893
In fact, it was a guy with a
warehouse full of this stuff
960
00:41:39,895 --> 00:41:41,233
who made it all possible.
961
00:41:41,235 --> 00:41:44,273
One night he sat up in bed and shouted,
962
00:41:44,275 --> 00:41:46,203
butter and salt.
963
00:41:46,205 --> 00:41:50,123
Scared his wife half to
death, but he made millions.
964
00:41:50,125 --> 00:41:51,873
And that's where you got the saying,
965
00:41:51,875 --> 00:41:55,463
one man's packing material
is another man's snack.
966
00:41:55,465 --> 00:41:59,193
I think you may need
this more than I do,
967
00:41:59,195 --> 00:42:02,423
oh yeah never mind, I don't
want you to have that.
968
00:42:02,425 --> 00:42:05,793
Now now listen, what made
the old days bearable
969
00:42:05,795 --> 00:42:06,895
were the bosses.
970
00:42:07,775 --> 00:42:09,483
But weren't they all corrupt,
971
00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:13,173
I mean surely you don't long
for the return of Tammany Hall.
972
00:42:13,175 --> 00:42:16,603
These days the people have
to bribe the politicians
973
00:42:16,605 --> 00:42:18,233
to get anything done.
974
00:42:18,235 --> 00:42:22,243
In the old days the politicians
would bribe the people.
975
00:42:22,245 --> 00:42:25,623
Two bucks per vote, if you
voted for the right party.
976
00:42:25,625 --> 00:42:29,593
On election day a go
getter could really score.
977
00:42:29,595 --> 00:42:34,143
He could get himself 10 bucks, 10 bucks.
978
00:42:34,145 --> 00:42:37,843
Now that'd feed family
of four, for a week.
979
00:42:37,845 --> 00:42:39,503
Surely you don't think life was better
980
00:42:39,505 --> 00:42:42,042
back in those dark ages do you?
981
00:42:42,044 --> 00:42:45,233
It was if you were a parent.
982
00:42:45,235 --> 00:42:47,493
You're too young to
remember I suppose but,
983
00:42:47,495 --> 00:42:50,303
there was a time when
youngsters were grateful
984
00:42:50,305 --> 00:42:52,183
to find an apple in
their Christmas stocking.
985
00:42:52,185 --> 00:42:53,833
I should say so.
986
00:42:53,835 --> 00:42:55,563
They were grateful for the stocking.
987
00:42:55,565 --> 00:42:56,843
It's the thought that counted.
988
00:42:56,845 --> 00:42:59,463
When do you think things
started falling apart?
989
00:42:59,465 --> 00:43:02,003
When parents started giving
their kids spending money.
990
00:43:02,005 --> 00:43:03,313
And the car keys.
991
00:43:03,315 --> 00:43:04,353
Cable.
992
00:43:04,355 --> 00:43:05,683
Store bought clothes.
993
00:43:05,685 --> 00:43:08,249
Their own phones, their own beds.
994
00:43:08,251 --> 00:43:09,534
Their own opinions.
995
00:43:09,536 --> 00:43:12,103
Their own bathrooms, and
one thing led to another.
996
00:43:12,105 --> 00:43:13,603
Their own bathrooms.
997
00:43:13,605 --> 00:43:14,983
Yeah that's right mister.
998
00:43:14,985 --> 00:43:17,493
They began feeling entitled
to the modern luxuries of life
999
00:43:17,495 --> 00:43:19,173
and they hadn't done anything to earn it.
1000
00:43:19,175 --> 00:43:22,183
They didn't milk the cows
or till the South 40.
1001
00:43:22,185 --> 00:43:23,423
They didn't even take out the trash
1002
00:43:23,425 --> 00:43:24,743
or bring in the newspaper.
1003
00:43:24,745 --> 00:43:26,743
Or say thank you for all that matter.
1004
00:43:26,745 --> 00:43:29,343
And still their parents
went on treating them
1005
00:43:29,345 --> 00:43:30,963
like little Dalai Lamas.
1006
00:43:30,965 --> 00:43:31,993
But at least teenagers
1007
00:43:31,995 --> 00:43:34,603
now have a sense of their own worth.
1008
00:43:34,605 --> 00:43:37,033
An overinflated sense you mean.
1009
00:43:37,035 --> 00:43:39,863
Why do you think people
persist in having children?
1010
00:43:39,865 --> 00:43:42,025
The perpetuation of the human race.
1011
00:43:43,009 --> 00:43:43,842
For their pelts.
1012
00:43:45,332 --> 00:43:46,923
For their pelts.
1013
00:43:46,925 --> 00:43:50,293
What do you consider the
biggest problem with air travel?
1014
00:43:50,295 --> 00:43:51,553
Leg room.
1015
00:43:51,555 --> 00:43:54,473
People keep getting taller and
seats keep getting smaller.
1016
00:43:54,475 --> 00:43:56,313
Do you see a solution?
1017
00:43:56,315 --> 00:43:57,683
Oh sure, but it will first mean
1018
00:43:57,685 --> 00:43:59,773
soaking passengers in olive oil.
1019
00:43:59,775 --> 00:44:02,025
What's the best thing
about being an angel?
1020
00:44:03,885 --> 00:44:06,353
We get to sneak in
all the movies for free.
1021
00:44:06,355 --> 00:44:07,305
What's the worst?
1022
00:44:08,385 --> 00:44:09,255
The movies.
1023
00:44:10,205 --> 00:44:11,753
Who would have known that the movies
1024
00:44:11,755 --> 00:44:13,123
would catch on the way they did?
1025
00:44:13,125 --> 00:44:15,083
I mean I just thought it was a novelty,
1026
00:44:15,085 --> 00:44:16,723
a fad, like the yo-yo.
1027
00:44:16,725 --> 00:44:19,563
I thought when Mary
Pickford hung up her coals,
1028
00:44:19,565 --> 00:44:20,613
it would all blow over.
1029
00:44:20,615 --> 00:44:22,813
Seems like just yesterday,
you paid a nickel
1030
00:44:22,815 --> 00:44:25,213
and saw eight acts that
would knock your socks off,
1031
00:44:25,215 --> 00:44:28,203
not to mention, chorus girls
with meat on their bones.
1032
00:44:28,205 --> 00:44:31,243
Now you pay 10 bucks to watch Jim Carry
1033
00:44:31,245 --> 00:44:33,163
make faces for two hours.
1034
00:44:33,165 --> 00:44:35,243
Why is it, if travel is so much bother,
1035
00:44:35,245 --> 00:44:37,513
people still insist on taking trips?
1036
00:44:37,515 --> 00:44:39,443
I myself blame it on the movies.
1037
00:44:39,445 --> 00:44:41,263
I don't see the connection.
1038
00:44:41,265 --> 00:44:42,753
In the movies they don't show you
1039
00:44:42,755 --> 00:44:45,423
any of the bad or boring parts of travel.
1040
00:44:45,425 --> 00:44:47,423
People in the movies never spend six hours
1041
00:44:47,425 --> 00:44:48,573
going through customs
1042
00:44:48,575 --> 00:44:50,643
and they never strip search
because they look a tiny bit
1043
00:44:50,645 --> 00:44:52,703
like a fugitive terrorist.
1044
00:44:52,705 --> 00:44:55,883
In the movies people never
get sick from the water.
1045
00:44:55,885 --> 00:44:57,803
Their hotel rooms are
always ready and waiting
1046
00:44:57,805 --> 00:44:59,853
and the telephone always works.
1047
00:44:59,855 --> 00:45:02,993
In the movies people spend all
their time falling in love,
1048
00:45:02,995 --> 00:45:06,083
not trying to track
down their lost luggage.
1049
00:45:06,085 --> 00:45:07,873
The clinture though is that in the movies,
1050
00:45:07,875 --> 00:45:09,993
people can spend their
entire holidays in Rome,
1051
00:45:09,995 --> 00:45:12,903
eating pasta and drinking
wine and never gain an ounce.
1052
00:45:12,905 --> 00:45:14,403
And when you get right down to it,
1053
00:45:14,405 --> 00:45:17,183
the worst thing that ever
happened to tourists in the movies
1054
00:45:17,185 --> 00:45:20,093
was that they got seduced
by Rossano Brazzi.
1055
00:45:20,095 --> 00:45:22,033
Now that you mention it,
1056
00:45:22,035 --> 00:45:24,433
he did pop up in an awful
lot of those movies.
1057
00:45:24,435 --> 00:45:26,273
The man did more for the travel industry
1058
00:45:26,275 --> 00:45:28,893
than honey roasted peanuts
and drownmin combined.
1059
00:45:28,895 --> 00:45:30,503
Do you have a favorite show?
1060
00:45:30,505 --> 00:45:32,093
Wouldn't that be like asking a mother
1061
00:45:32,095 --> 00:45:34,433
if she has a favorite child?
1062
00:45:34,435 --> 00:45:37,983
Each in its own way is special.
1063
00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:40,723
But just between us, I must confess,
1064
00:45:40,725 --> 00:45:44,373
I have a special soft spot for quiz shows.
1065
00:45:44,375 --> 00:45:46,523
Really, why do you think that is?
1066
00:45:46,525 --> 00:45:49,913
I believe it must be because
they're so educational.
1067
00:45:49,915 --> 00:45:53,133
Some people actually believe
TV destroys brain cells.
1068
00:45:53,135 --> 00:45:55,363
I wouldn't want to sound judgmental,
1069
00:45:55,365 --> 00:45:57,813
but those people don't
have two brain cells
1070
00:45:57,815 --> 00:46:00,033
to rub together if you ask me.
1071
00:46:00,035 --> 00:46:01,983
I must say for someone in the love game,
1072
00:46:01,985 --> 00:46:04,305
you don't seem to have your heart in it.
1073
00:46:05,545 --> 00:46:07,243
Don't you believe in your own product?
1074
00:46:07,245 --> 00:46:10,673
Of course I do, but
you people are hopeless.
1075
00:46:10,675 --> 00:46:13,703
Lust has long replaced love
as the governing emotion
1076
00:46:13,705 --> 00:46:17,933
and romance has given way to pornography.
1077
00:46:17,935 --> 00:46:20,193
Why wouldn't I be a pessimist?
1078
00:46:20,195 --> 00:46:24,813
I truly believed the world
sought what I had to offer.
1079
00:46:24,815 --> 00:46:26,803
Now the scales fell from my eyes
1080
00:46:26,805 --> 00:46:30,503
and I see the tunnel at
the end of the light.
1081
00:46:30,505 --> 00:46:32,353
Is there nothing that can be done?
1082
00:46:32,355 --> 00:46:36,903
Well I can't speak for
everyone but I managed to get by
1083
00:46:36,905 --> 00:46:38,703
renting Casa Blanca.
1084
00:46:38,705 --> 00:46:41,153
And Now Voyager every few months
1085
00:46:41,155 --> 00:46:43,813
and a little white wine never hurts.
1086
00:46:43,815 --> 00:46:46,073
Tell me, who thought up applause.
1087
00:46:46,075 --> 00:46:48,483
No one thought it up,
it was an accident really.
1088
00:46:48,485 --> 00:46:51,373
You see, in the beginning,
when people liked a performer,
1089
00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:52,783
they stayed quiet.
1090
00:46:52,785 --> 00:46:55,753
The more they liked it,
the quieter they were.
1091
00:46:55,755 --> 00:47:00,755
Then one night, some musician
was making music with rocks
1092
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:04,663
and mosquitoes the were
driving everyone nuts.
1093
00:47:04,665 --> 00:47:07,653
People were slapping themselves so hard,
1094
00:47:07,655 --> 00:47:10,213
made such a racquet you
couldn't hear the music.
1095
00:47:10,215 --> 00:47:12,613
But the musician kept on playing.
1096
00:47:12,615 --> 00:47:16,993
So in one fell swoop
you got rock and roll,
1097
00:47:16,995 --> 00:47:18,783
applause and encores.
1098
00:47:18,785 --> 00:47:20,793
Is there any one
person whose contribution
1099
00:47:20,795 --> 00:47:22,983
seems to be greater than all the rest?
1100
00:47:22,985 --> 00:47:24,413
Absolutely.
1101
00:47:24,415 --> 00:47:26,263
Henry Ford, the Wright Brothers.
1102
00:47:26,265 --> 00:47:27,803
H.G. Wells.
1103
00:47:27,805 --> 00:47:31,353
Why H.G. Wells? What
did he do for travel.
1104
00:47:31,355 --> 00:47:33,833
He dreamed up the time machine.
1105
00:47:33,835 --> 00:47:35,553
A person sat at home in a chair
1106
00:47:35,555 --> 00:47:38,023
and time did all the traveling.
1107
00:47:38,025 --> 00:47:39,203
You wanted to go somewhere
1108
00:47:39,205 --> 00:47:41,105
you flipped a dial and it came to you.
1109
00:47:43,215 --> 00:47:45,023
The next best was Gutenberg.
1110
00:47:45,025 --> 00:47:47,905
The Gutenberg who
invented the printing press.
1111
00:47:47,907 --> 00:47:50,401
There was another Gutenberg?
1112
00:47:50,403 --> 00:47:52,923
But what's the printing
press got to do with travel.
1113
00:47:52,925 --> 00:47:54,993
After Gutenberg, if
people suddenly decided
1114
00:47:54,995 --> 00:47:56,323
they wanted to go visit Timbuktu
1115
00:47:56,325 --> 00:47:58,665
they could read about it first.
1116
00:47:58,667 --> 00:48:00,883
After 20 pages they got bored,
they could put the book down
1117
00:48:00,885 --> 00:48:02,353
and they were home.
1118
00:48:02,355 --> 00:48:04,603
No packing, no catching
the next plane out,
1119
00:48:04,605 --> 00:48:07,233
no worrying about the city flyers.
1120
00:48:07,235 --> 00:48:09,933
Some people say travel is broadening.
1121
00:48:09,935 --> 00:48:11,473
Sure and some people like cannibals,
1122
00:48:11,475 --> 00:48:13,353
there's no accounting for taste.
1123
00:48:13,355 --> 00:48:14,913
As someone once pointed out,
1124
00:48:14,915 --> 00:48:16,403
if travel were all that broadening,
1125
00:48:16,405 --> 00:48:17,563
stewardesses and buzz
1126
00:48:17,565 --> 00:48:19,703
wouldn't be the smartest people on earth.
1127
00:48:19,705 --> 00:48:22,105
I probably shouldn't
tell tales out of school,
1128
00:48:23,075 --> 00:48:28,075
but the possibility of pulling
the plug on the human race
1129
00:48:28,465 --> 00:48:30,663
has been discussed more than once.
1130
00:48:30,665 --> 00:48:31,633
No.
1131
00:48:31,635 --> 00:48:33,565
Yes, yes.
1132
00:48:34,545 --> 00:48:36,643
The ones that were in favor of it
1133
00:48:36,645 --> 00:48:38,893
thought that it would be
more merciful in the long run
1134
00:48:38,895 --> 00:48:41,253
because of the damage
they're doing to the planet
1135
00:48:41,255 --> 00:48:42,555
and the other inhabitants.
1136
00:48:43,445 --> 00:48:46,093
But it never came up to a final vote
1137
00:48:46,095 --> 00:48:48,723
because the dogs went to bat for you.
1138
00:48:48,725 --> 00:48:52,653
I don't know why, heaven
knows they have a soft spot
1139
00:48:52,655 --> 00:48:54,333
in their hearts for people.
1140
00:48:54,335 --> 00:48:58,373
It may sound like so
much bow wow to you sir,
1141
00:48:58,375 --> 00:49:01,603
but it was only their eloquence
that saved your bacon.
1142
00:49:01,605 --> 00:49:02,853
Gee.
1143
00:49:02,855 --> 00:49:04,335
Gee indeed.
1144
00:49:05,255 --> 00:49:08,483
The only thing they haven't
been able to figure out is,
1145
00:49:08,485 --> 00:49:11,103
why, if they're your best friends,
1146
00:49:11,105 --> 00:49:13,653
the way you always claim they are,
1147
00:49:13,655 --> 00:49:16,883
why so many of you insist
on paling around with cats.
1148
00:49:16,885 --> 00:49:19,323
Don't look at me, I'm allergic.
1149
00:49:19,325 --> 00:49:20,156
Ms. Mary.
1150
00:49:20,158 --> 00:49:20,991
Yes.
1151
00:49:21,945 --> 00:49:22,823
You wouldn't happen to know
1152
00:49:22,825 --> 00:49:25,175
a little Schnauzer named
Whiskers would you?
1153
00:49:26,465 --> 00:49:28,333
Yes I do.
1154
00:49:28,335 --> 00:49:31,833
It took me weeks to heaven
break that little dickens,
1155
00:49:31,835 --> 00:49:34,305
but he was worth it, he's a love.
1156
00:49:36,065 --> 00:49:38,543
Would you tell him that I said hello.
1157
00:49:38,545 --> 00:49:40,323
My pleasure.
1158
00:49:40,325 --> 00:49:41,203
Thank you.
1159
00:49:41,205 --> 00:49:42,225
You're welcome.
1160
00:49:43,905 --> 00:49:46,485
Remember when the reporter
was talking about his dog.
1161
00:49:47,525 --> 00:49:48,413
Yeah.
1162
00:49:48,415 --> 00:49:50,153
That could have been me.
1163
00:49:50,155 --> 00:49:52,005
You had a Schnauzer named Whiskers.
1164
00:49:53,665 --> 00:49:54,773
Not exactly.
1165
00:49:54,775 --> 00:49:56,325
You had a dog named Whiskers?
1166
00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:58,903
Not exactly.
1167
00:49:58,905 --> 00:50:00,225
Did you even have a dog?
1168
00:50:03,145 --> 00:50:03,978
Not exactly.
1169
00:50:05,595 --> 00:50:07,233
My dad didn't like dogs.
1170
00:50:07,235 --> 00:50:09,483
I had an invisible friend named Lenad.
1171
00:50:09,485 --> 00:50:10,473
But I couldn't have loved him any more
1172
00:50:10,475 --> 00:50:12,025
if he had four feet and a tail.
1173
00:50:13,735 --> 00:50:15,639
What happened to him.
1174
00:50:15,641 --> 00:50:17,213
One day he chased a ball into the street
1175
00:50:17,215 --> 00:50:18,415
and he got hit by a car.
1176
00:50:19,500 --> 00:50:21,723
I still miss him.
1177
00:50:21,725 --> 00:50:23,013
He'd be 52 years old today
1178
00:50:23,015 --> 00:50:25,133
if he didn't stop to scratch himself.
1179
00:50:25,135 --> 00:50:28,723
Who came up with the idea
of eating three meals a day.
1180
00:50:28,725 --> 00:50:29,556
The English.
1181
00:50:29,558 --> 00:50:32,213
In the 14th century,
there were two princes.
1182
00:50:32,215 --> 00:50:35,103
Harold the fat and Bertrum the Bulimic.
1183
00:50:35,105 --> 00:50:38,823
Harold felt that five meals
a day was just about right.
1184
00:50:38,825 --> 00:50:40,003
While his brother Bertrum
1185
00:50:40,005 --> 00:50:42,153
argued that one was quite sufficient,
1186
00:50:42,155 --> 00:50:44,643
especially if you didn't swallow.
1187
00:50:44,645 --> 00:50:47,243
Before a war broke out
between the two factions,
1188
00:50:47,245 --> 00:50:49,283
their father, Arnold the Moderate,
1189
00:50:49,285 --> 00:50:51,623
worked out a compromise.
1190
00:50:51,625 --> 00:50:54,383
It was Arnold who gave meals their names.
1191
00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:57,973
Breakfast was so called
because it broke a fast.
1192
00:50:57,975 --> 00:51:00,103
And dinner was named
after the bell they rang
1193
00:51:00,105 --> 00:51:01,463
when it was time to eat.
1194
00:51:01,465 --> 00:51:02,463
And lunch?
1195
00:51:02,465 --> 00:51:04,833
Named after the Duke of Lunch.
1196
00:51:04,835 --> 00:51:08,263
The man who said, just because
it's too late for breakfast
1197
00:51:08,265 --> 00:51:09,603
and too early for dinner,
1198
00:51:09,605 --> 00:51:12,083
doesn't mean we've gotta starve.
1199
00:51:12,085 --> 00:51:15,073
I suppose people simply
decided that it simply
1200
00:51:15,075 --> 00:51:17,213
didn't matter which fork they used.
1201
00:51:17,215 --> 00:51:18,503
The tricky part was getting people
1202
00:51:18,505 --> 00:51:20,443
to use forks in the first place
1203
00:51:20,445 --> 00:51:23,203
for something besides
scratching their back.
1204
00:51:23,205 --> 00:51:26,913
But why were the rules
of etiquette so elaborate?
1205
00:51:26,915 --> 00:51:31,113
So that people could relax,
knowing exactly how to behave
1206
00:51:31,115 --> 00:51:33,743
in every social situation.
1207
00:51:33,745 --> 00:51:36,203
Is there nobody these days
1208
00:51:36,205 --> 00:51:38,883
that you think even has a spark if genius.
1209
00:51:38,885 --> 00:51:40,923
The pickings are awfully slim
1210
00:51:40,925 --> 00:51:43,903
but I suppose if I had
to come up with one name,
1211
00:51:43,905 --> 00:51:44,975
it would be Oprah.
1212
00:51:46,135 --> 00:51:49,363
Oprah Winfrey is a genius.
1213
00:51:49,365 --> 00:51:52,203
Let me put it to you
that turning lead into gold
1214
00:51:52,205 --> 00:51:54,493
used to be considered a big deal.
1215
00:51:54,495 --> 00:51:59,495
This woman managed to turn
drivel into two billion dollars.
1216
00:51:59,515 --> 00:52:02,183
I think even Ag would have been impressed.
1217
00:52:02,185 --> 00:52:03,443
Who else comes to mind
1218
00:52:03,445 --> 00:52:05,903
when you think of the great romantics?
1219
00:52:05,905 --> 00:52:09,543
Norman Couperman, makes
right there up at the top.
1220
00:52:09,545 --> 00:52:11,143
What did he do?
1221
00:52:11,145 --> 00:52:13,333
It's what he didn't do.
1222
00:52:13,335 --> 00:52:18,335
During World War II, PFC Couperman
got to see Marlana Ditrig
1223
00:52:19,095 --> 00:52:20,785
at the Hollywood canteen.
1224
00:52:22,065 --> 00:52:23,535
She kissed him on the cheek
1225
00:52:24,515 --> 00:52:26,883
and he never again washed his face.
1226
00:52:26,885 --> 00:52:29,843
Now that's what I call romantic.
1227
00:52:29,845 --> 00:52:31,543
It's not very hygienic.
1228
00:52:31,545 --> 00:52:32,753
Well that's true.
1229
00:52:32,755 --> 00:52:36,013
But should I remind you
romance isn't for sissies.
1230
00:52:36,015 --> 00:52:39,703
Look at Van Gogh, for
love he gave up an ear.
1231
00:52:39,705 --> 00:52:41,243
And Edward you may recall,
1232
00:52:41,245 --> 00:52:43,043
even gave up the throne of England.
1233
00:52:43,045 --> 00:52:45,443
If it doesn't come at enormous sacrifice,
1234
00:52:45,445 --> 00:52:47,503
it's not romance dear boy,
1235
00:52:47,505 --> 00:52:49,123
it's just dating.
1236
00:52:49,125 --> 00:52:51,063
Obviously you've seen them all,
1237
00:52:51,065 --> 00:52:52,993
but who would you say is
the greatest entertainer
1238
00:52:52,995 --> 00:52:54,095
who ever lived.
1239
00:52:55,125 --> 00:52:57,653
It's hard to put a finger on one person.
1240
00:52:57,655 --> 00:53:00,933
I mean did Will Rogers
play the musical saw?
1241
00:53:00,935 --> 00:53:02,523
Did Fanny Brace Juggle?
1242
00:53:02,525 --> 00:53:05,253
If Gallagan Sheen tap danced, I missed it.
1243
00:53:05,255 --> 00:53:07,473
Did Gipsy Rose Lee do impressions?
1244
00:53:07,475 --> 00:53:10,533
Who cares, now if you
wanted the loudest voice,
1245
00:53:10,535 --> 00:53:13,903
that would be Carooser, the
guy had lungs like watermelons.
1246
00:53:13,905 --> 00:53:15,113
The funny thing about Carooser though
1247
00:53:15,115 --> 00:53:16,183
he could never whistle.
1248
00:53:16,185 --> 00:53:17,016
When he tried to whistle
1249
00:53:17,018 --> 00:53:19,603
it'd sound like he had
crackers in his mouth.
1250
00:53:19,605 --> 00:53:22,453
That's why the guy never owned
a dog, you can look it up.
1251
00:53:22,455 --> 00:53:23,913
Now if it's whistling you wanted,
1252
00:53:23,915 --> 00:53:27,143
then you had the choice
between Widama's Birds
1253
00:53:27,145 --> 00:53:28,323
and Al Johnson.
1254
00:53:28,325 --> 00:53:29,733
Even that was a toss up.
1255
00:53:29,735 --> 00:53:31,395
I mean Johnson had more range.
1256
00:53:32,245 --> 00:53:33,645
But the birds were Husbrock.
1257
00:53:34,705 --> 00:53:37,043
In your opinion who was
the greatest of them all,
1258
00:53:37,045 --> 00:53:42,045
was it Garbo, Tracy, Gabel or Herper.
1259
00:53:42,621 --> 00:53:44,383
In my opinion, the best of the bunch,
1260
00:53:44,385 --> 00:53:48,293
the one who impressed me the
most was Esther Williams.
1261
00:53:48,295 --> 00:53:49,593
Esther Williams?
1262
00:53:49,595 --> 00:53:52,013
Who else, that broad was a big star,
1263
00:53:52,015 --> 00:53:53,543
never got out of the pool.
1264
00:53:53,545 --> 00:53:54,663
You think that was easy?
1265
00:53:54,665 --> 00:53:57,573
You try doing a performance
in eight feet of water.
1266
00:53:57,575 --> 00:53:59,463
The Chlorine alone could kill you.
1267
00:53:59,465 --> 00:54:03,263
And that made her greater
than say Sir Lawrence Livia.
1268
00:54:03,265 --> 00:54:05,083
There was no comparison.
1269
00:54:05,085 --> 00:54:07,153
He acted in the west end you noticed.
1270
00:54:07,155 --> 00:54:08,485
But never in the deep end.
1271
00:54:09,405 --> 00:54:11,875
How was it decided
that you of all angels
1272
00:54:12,725 --> 00:54:16,293
would have been assigned to sports.
1273
00:54:16,295 --> 00:54:18,273
Well I don't know for certain.
1274
00:54:18,275 --> 00:54:19,923
But I would venture
that they looked around
1275
00:54:19,925 --> 00:54:20,756
for something else
1276
00:54:20,758 --> 00:54:23,963
that had lots of rules governing conduct.
1277
00:54:23,965 --> 00:54:27,003
Rules after all, are my meat.
1278
00:54:27,005 --> 00:54:29,683
Do you oversee all areas of sports
1279
00:54:29,685 --> 00:54:32,793
including basketball and football?
1280
00:54:32,795 --> 00:54:36,443
Oh, so you can still
distinguish between the two.
1281
00:54:36,445 --> 00:54:39,173
You really must be paying close attention.
1282
00:54:39,175 --> 00:54:40,943
But to answer your question though,
1283
00:54:40,945 --> 00:54:43,393
basically all physical activity
1284
00:54:43,395 --> 00:54:46,083
asides from sex and channel surfing
1285
00:54:46,085 --> 00:54:48,753
falls within my domain.
1286
00:54:48,755 --> 00:54:52,003
I'm not questioning your qualifications,
1287
00:54:52,005 --> 00:54:55,563
well actually I guess I am
questioning your qualifications.
1288
00:54:55,565 --> 00:54:57,673
You just don't strike me as a jock.
1289
00:54:57,675 --> 00:54:59,703
I suppose that's why I got the job,
1290
00:54:59,705 --> 00:55:02,733
they were looking for
a civilizing influence.
1291
00:55:02,735 --> 00:55:06,583
What has been your
greatest single challenge?
1292
00:55:06,585 --> 00:55:08,333
Actually there are two.
1293
00:55:08,335 --> 00:55:10,742
The first was artichokes.
1294
00:55:10,744 --> 00:55:14,863
Took me over a thousand years
to figure out how to eat em.
1295
00:55:14,865 --> 00:55:17,363
But the real toughy was alcohol.
1296
00:55:17,365 --> 00:55:20,033
The stuff tasted awful, it smelled worse
1297
00:55:20,035 --> 00:55:23,503
and it played tidly winks
with the old kidneys.
1298
00:55:23,505 --> 00:55:26,353
All that being the
case, why'd you bother?
1299
00:55:26,355 --> 00:55:27,783
Just because it made us laugh
1300
00:55:27,785 --> 00:55:29,163
when you folks would get drunk
1301
00:55:29,165 --> 00:55:31,893
and start arguing politics and religion.
1302
00:55:31,895 --> 00:55:34,593
Even if I grant that
running for political office
1303
00:55:34,595 --> 00:55:36,273
can be a pricey enterprise,
1304
00:55:36,275 --> 00:55:39,265
surely that's money donated
with no strings attached.
1305
00:55:40,515 --> 00:55:44,373
The lobbyist doesn't walk
around with a bag full of money.
1306
00:55:44,375 --> 00:55:48,753
They advise where to invest this money
1307
00:55:48,755 --> 00:55:53,643
and that senator gets to
vote on getting it done.
1308
00:55:53,645 --> 00:55:56,023
What about the ones
who already have money?
1309
00:55:56,025 --> 00:55:59,703
Nobody ever seems to have enough money.
1310
00:55:59,705 --> 00:56:01,443
You don't see Bill Gates
1311
00:56:01,445 --> 00:56:04,063
picking up his pension check do you?
1312
00:56:04,065 --> 00:56:06,763
You make it sound so tawdry.
1313
00:56:06,765 --> 00:56:11,765
The fact remains that no
matter how poor a guy is
1314
00:56:12,655 --> 00:56:14,153
when he first gets elected,
1315
00:56:14,155 --> 00:56:18,733
by the time he retires, he's wealthy
1316
00:56:18,735 --> 00:56:23,135
and all because he knows
how to vote on the job.
1317
00:56:24,095 --> 00:56:26,793
Sounds to me like the real
problem is the lobbyists.
1318
00:56:26,795 --> 00:56:30,903
He's just providing a public service.
1319
00:56:30,905 --> 00:56:33,123
The question is why should anyone
1320
00:56:33,125 --> 00:56:36,253
give a contribution to a candidate
1321
00:56:36,255 --> 00:56:39,443
unless he expects to get
it back a thousand fold.
1322
00:56:39,445 --> 00:56:40,803
And yet some people do.
1323
00:56:40,805 --> 00:56:43,103
I've contributed to a
few political campaigns.
1324
00:56:43,105 --> 00:56:45,363
I mean, I wasn't expecting any favors,
1325
00:56:45,365 --> 00:56:46,493
I just felt the candidate
1326
00:56:46,495 --> 00:56:49,223
would have best represented my concerns.
1327
00:56:49,225 --> 00:56:51,893
There's a word for people like you.
1328
00:56:51,895 --> 00:56:53,125
Responsible citizen.
1329
00:56:55,125 --> 00:56:56,483
Sucker.
1330
00:56:56,485 --> 00:57:00,093
Would you agree that
nothing beats organized sports
1331
00:57:00,095 --> 00:57:03,323
for turning young boys into real men.
1332
00:57:03,325 --> 00:57:06,003
I'm just a little old lady angel,
1333
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:08,523
so what do I know of such matters.
1334
00:57:08,525 --> 00:57:12,163
Still, it always struck
me as a whee bit odd
1335
00:57:12,165 --> 00:57:13,603
that organized athletics
1336
00:57:13,605 --> 00:57:17,105
called for 30 to 40 robust
young men to shower together,
1337
00:57:18,025 --> 00:57:19,853
when everyone knows that's the main reason
1338
00:57:19,855 --> 00:57:22,793
10% of them join the
team in the first place.
1339
00:57:22,795 --> 00:57:24,793
Looking back over your career,
1340
00:57:24,795 --> 00:57:27,243
who are some of the other
artists that stand out.
1341
00:57:27,245 --> 00:57:31,593
Picasso was almost as
cute as he thought he was.
1342
00:57:31,595 --> 00:57:34,223
Dali, crazy as a poodle.
1343
00:57:34,225 --> 00:57:36,733
Remprant never took a bath.
1344
00:57:36,735 --> 00:57:39,273
Wooslier was a mama's boy.
1345
00:57:39,275 --> 00:57:42,273
And the biggest pain in the
neck was that Botticelli.
1346
00:57:42,275 --> 00:57:43,106
Why was that?
1347
00:57:43,108 --> 00:57:45,503
He's the one who insisted
on painting us angels
1348
00:57:45,505 --> 00:57:47,813
in those sappy robes and the big halos.
1349
00:57:47,815 --> 00:57:51,253
The flowing ribbons and all the
rest of that silly faldural.
1350
00:57:51,255 --> 00:57:53,433
But you're not dressed that way now.
1351
00:57:53,435 --> 00:57:55,913
That's because we're not working.
1352
00:57:55,915 --> 00:57:59,353
When we're on the job, we
have to be in full regalia,
1353
00:57:59,355 --> 00:58:01,373
it's how people expect to see us,
1354
00:58:01,375 --> 00:58:04,143
all because of his goofy paintings.
1355
00:58:04,145 --> 00:58:06,213
The man wasn't an artist,
1356
00:58:06,215 --> 00:58:08,383
he was a costume designer
with a paint brush.
1357
00:58:08,385 --> 00:58:11,423
If we showed up not looking
the way he painted us,
1358
00:58:11,425 --> 00:58:12,943
people assumed we were just ghosts
1359
00:58:12,945 --> 00:58:15,343
or the end result of too many dry martinis
1360
00:58:15,345 --> 00:58:18,623
but if we appeared looking
like something whipped up
1361
00:58:18,625 --> 00:58:20,443
by a French pastry chef,
1362
00:58:20,445 --> 00:58:22,053
people took us seriously.
1363
00:58:22,055 --> 00:58:24,743
Did Botticelli become
an angel when he died?
1364
00:58:24,745 --> 00:58:25,823
Why do you ask?
1365
00:58:25,825 --> 00:58:27,783
I just thought it would be very ironic
1366
00:58:27,785 --> 00:58:30,833
if he himself wound up having
to spend all of eternity
1367
00:58:30,835 --> 00:58:32,685
looking like a piece of wedding cake.
1368
00:58:33,655 --> 00:58:37,323
Yes, I suppose that
would have been ironic but,
1369
00:58:37,325 --> 00:58:40,163
ol' Botticelli didn't
exactly get his wings,
1370
00:58:40,165 --> 00:58:43,913
what he got were his just desserts.
1371
00:58:43,915 --> 00:58:45,223
What happened to him?
1372
00:58:45,225 --> 00:58:47,353
He's busting tables at the cafe limbo.
1373
00:58:47,355 --> 00:58:49,943
I bet he wishes he stuck to landscapes.
1374
00:58:49,945 --> 00:58:51,733
Too late now.
1375
00:58:51,735 --> 00:58:54,063
What ol' Botticelli didn't get I'm afraid,
1376
00:58:54,065 --> 00:58:57,955
is that angels don't
get irony, we get even.
1377
00:58:59,825 --> 00:59:03,053
I was wondering whatever
happened to Christopher,
1378
00:59:03,055 --> 00:59:06,323
the one who used to be the
patron saint of travelers?
1379
00:59:06,325 --> 00:59:08,613
Ever since the demotion,
he was plenty bitter.
1380
00:59:08,615 --> 00:59:09,883
Only time he'd even leave the house
1381
00:59:09,885 --> 00:59:11,943
was in the middle of the night
when he'd run out to airports
1382
00:59:11,945 --> 00:59:13,373
and mix up people's luggage.
1383
00:59:13,375 --> 00:59:15,083
So he is the one.
1384
00:59:15,085 --> 00:59:16,713
Yes but he's okay now.
1385
00:59:16,715 --> 00:59:18,103
Ever since he and the Mrs, got cable,
1386
00:59:18,105 --> 00:59:20,063
he seems satisfied to stay at home
1387
00:59:20,065 --> 00:59:22,133
and watch old travel logs.
1388
00:59:22,135 --> 00:59:26,583
Well in the old days after
all, things were pretty brutal.
1389
00:59:26,585 --> 00:59:29,413
With the Mayans, the loosing
athletes were sacrificed
1390
00:59:29,415 --> 00:59:33,573
to appease the, you should
excuse the expression, gods.
1391
00:59:33,575 --> 00:59:35,783
These days, if worse comes to worse,
1392
00:59:35,785 --> 00:59:37,235
they get traded to Milwaukee.
1393
00:59:38,675 --> 00:59:41,453
There are those who feel
that winning is everything,
1394
00:59:41,455 --> 00:59:42,863
are you one of those people?
1395
00:59:42,865 --> 00:59:46,433
Hardly, I am firmly of the
opinion that it doesn't matter
1396
00:59:46,435 --> 00:59:49,665
if you win or loose, it's
how you play the game,
1397
00:59:50,539 --> 00:59:52,995
unless of course you're an ancient Mayan.
1398
00:59:54,435 --> 00:59:56,383
Who are some of the
great chefs you've known?
1399
00:59:56,385 --> 00:59:59,483
At the top of the list
Charles of the Ritz,
1400
00:59:59,485 --> 01:00:02,383
famous for his toasted cheese sandwich.
1401
01:00:02,385 --> 01:00:03,393
He invented it?
1402
01:00:03,395 --> 01:00:05,493
No, but he did perfect it.
1403
01:00:05,495 --> 01:00:07,813
He was the guy who first burnt the cheese
1404
01:00:07,815 --> 01:00:09,403
around the edge a little.
1405
01:00:09,405 --> 01:00:11,233
The man was genius.
1406
01:00:11,235 --> 01:00:12,403
There are people who claim
1407
01:00:12,405 --> 01:00:14,403
it is immoral for us to eat meat,
1408
01:00:14,405 --> 01:00:15,443
do you agree?
1409
01:00:15,445 --> 01:00:18,473
That's really not my area.
1410
01:00:18,475 --> 01:00:21,583
The way I look at it, if
it tastes good, eat it.
1411
01:00:21,585 --> 01:00:24,043
You're saying morality
doesn't enter into it?
1412
01:00:24,045 --> 01:00:25,743
Keep in mind that,
1413
01:00:25,745 --> 01:00:27,923
what appears to be a question of morality
1414
01:00:27,925 --> 01:00:30,483
is very often only a matter of geography.
1415
01:00:30,485 --> 01:00:33,173
Cows are held to be sacred in some places,
1416
01:00:33,175 --> 01:00:35,843
in some dogs are considered snacks.
1417
01:00:35,845 --> 01:00:38,153
Or take bugs, in one
country they're pests,
1418
01:00:38,155 --> 01:00:40,053
in another they're protein.
1419
01:00:40,055 --> 01:00:41,793
When you start talking morality,
1420
01:00:41,795 --> 01:00:45,893
you get into a big gray
area, for instance,
1421
01:00:45,895 --> 01:00:49,413
there are definitely those,
and I count myself among them,
1422
01:00:49,415 --> 01:00:53,013
who saw it as a giant step,
up the evolutionary ladder,
1423
01:00:53,015 --> 01:00:55,173
when people started eating mutton
1424
01:00:55,175 --> 01:00:56,525
and gave up dating it.
1425
01:00:58,085 --> 01:00:59,863
I don't know if this comes under
1426
01:00:59,865 --> 01:01:01,133
the category of air travel,
1427
01:01:01,135 --> 01:01:03,173
but I am curious about one thing?
1428
01:01:03,175 --> 01:01:05,173
Don't ask, I still don't understand
1429
01:01:05,175 --> 01:01:07,483
how frequent flyer miles work.
1430
01:01:07,485 --> 01:01:11,833
No, it's those people who
you read about all the time,
1431
01:01:11,835 --> 01:01:13,443
that get hit by trains,
1432
01:01:13,445 --> 01:01:16,573
they can't all be committing suicide.
1433
01:01:16,575 --> 01:01:18,315
I have a newsflash for you.
1434
01:01:19,375 --> 01:01:21,953
None of them is committing suicide.
1435
01:01:21,955 --> 01:01:24,373
Then how do they get themselves killed,
1436
01:01:24,375 --> 01:01:26,943
I mean a train doesn't sneak up on you,
1437
01:01:26,945 --> 01:01:29,893
a train for god's sakes is
bigger than a herd of elephants,
1438
01:01:29,895 --> 01:01:31,843
louder than a teenager's boom box
1439
01:01:31,845 --> 01:01:34,793
and they can't jump off the
tracks and chase you down,
1440
01:01:34,795 --> 01:01:38,133
so how does it happen that
trains kill more people
1441
01:01:38,135 --> 01:01:40,173
than disgruntled postal employees
1442
01:01:40,175 --> 01:01:43,223
and botulism put together.
1443
01:01:43,225 --> 01:01:47,083
Does the number 49 have
any significance for you?
1444
01:01:47,085 --> 01:01:49,113
Bill O'Reilly's hat size?
1445
01:01:49,115 --> 01:01:51,343
Close, but no cigar. No.
1446
01:01:51,345 --> 01:01:53,533
That's the average IQ of people
1447
01:01:53,535 --> 01:01:55,923
who get run over by choo choos.
1448
01:01:55,925 --> 01:01:59,315
In the wild kingdom it's
referred to as thinning the herd.
1449
01:02:00,505 --> 01:02:02,093
Do you have a favorite sport?
1450
01:02:02,095 --> 01:02:04,943
Professional wrestling,
nobody gets hurt.
1451
01:02:04,945 --> 01:02:06,723
Which sport was the worst?
1452
01:02:06,725 --> 01:02:08,693
Christians Versus The Lions.
1453
01:02:08,695 --> 01:02:11,313
Even the bookies didn't
care much for that one.
1454
01:02:11,315 --> 01:02:13,363
What's the strangest
sport you've ever seen?
1455
01:02:13,365 --> 01:02:16,253
Without a doubt, that would
have to be early Water Polo.
1456
01:02:16,255 --> 01:02:17,413
Really, why is that?
1457
01:02:17,415 --> 01:02:18,883
It took them a while to figure out
1458
01:02:18,885 --> 01:02:20,765
it just wouldn't work with horses.
1459
01:02:21,625 --> 01:02:23,303
Finally, Ms. Minerva,
1460
01:02:23,305 --> 01:02:25,013
if you weren't in charge of sports,
1461
01:02:25,015 --> 01:02:26,615
what job would you like to have.
1462
01:02:27,805 --> 01:02:28,943
Well lately,
1463
01:02:28,945 --> 01:02:31,213
I've been thinking of
giving real estate a whirl.
1464
01:02:31,215 --> 01:02:32,803
What would you do in real estate?
1465
01:02:32,805 --> 01:02:35,115
First I'd send Donald
Trump to Milwaukee.
1466
01:02:36,555 --> 01:02:38,183
Do you have hope for the future?
1467
01:02:38,185 --> 01:02:40,353
Of course I do, why wouldn't I?
1468
01:02:40,355 --> 01:02:41,513
Sometimes I worry,
1469
01:02:41,515 --> 01:02:43,993
that technology is moving too fast for us
1470
01:02:43,995 --> 01:02:47,335
and that, I worry that
it will do away with us.
1471
01:02:48,815 --> 01:02:51,993
No matter how big the
machinery or how intelligent
1472
01:02:51,995 --> 01:02:55,773
or how powerful, that will never happen.
1473
01:02:55,775 --> 01:02:59,443
At least not so long as
we remember one thing.
1474
01:02:59,445 --> 01:03:02,793
And that is that we were
created in god's image
1475
01:03:02,795 --> 01:03:05,103
and that there's a spark of immortality
1476
01:03:05,105 --> 01:03:06,463
in each and every one of us.
1477
01:03:06,465 --> 01:03:10,663
No, the one thing we mustn't ever forget
1478
01:03:10,665 --> 01:03:13,843
is to always include an off switch.
1479
01:03:13,845 --> 01:03:16,983
When the next pair of
angels stood before him,
1480
01:03:16,985 --> 01:03:20,263
he looked around, and he realized,
1481
01:03:20,265 --> 01:03:21,895
they were the last angels left.
1482
01:03:22,853 --> 01:03:25,563
He tried to figure out
what their roles were but,
1483
01:03:25,565 --> 01:03:27,093
what was left?
1484
01:03:27,095 --> 01:03:29,293
The angels of medical mal-practice?
1485
01:03:29,295 --> 01:03:31,483
The angels of insurance injustice.
1486
01:03:31,485 --> 01:03:34,133
The angels of small household appliances.
1487
01:03:34,135 --> 01:03:35,543
In the end he was to learn,
1488
01:03:35,545 --> 01:03:37,893
that not only do cocker
spaniels and chihuahuas
1489
01:03:37,895 --> 01:03:40,443
have higher standing in
heaven than we humans,
1490
01:03:40,445 --> 01:03:42,745
but so do toaster ovens
and electric blankets.
1491
01:03:43,835 --> 01:03:45,833
How have things changed over the years.
1492
01:03:45,835 --> 01:03:47,543
Well we've certainly had to adapt.
1493
01:03:47,545 --> 01:03:50,103
To go along with the flow as it were.
1494
01:03:50,105 --> 01:03:52,223
Along the way we found the need to expand
1495
01:03:52,225 --> 01:03:56,783
to include philosophy,
mythology, dietary law.
1496
01:03:56,785 --> 01:04:01,106
And don't forget military
strategy and medieval torches.
1497
01:04:01,108 --> 01:04:04,086
It's certainly been a
broadening experience.
1498
01:04:04,088 --> 01:04:06,513
Yeah, I'm sure you could have guessed
1499
01:04:06,515 --> 01:04:07,493
but it was getting late
1500
01:04:07,495 --> 01:04:09,243
and he had quite an evening.
1501
01:04:09,245 --> 01:04:11,283
That's why he was rather taken aback
1502
01:04:11,285 --> 01:04:15,753
when Julie and John told him
that their arena was religion.
1503
01:04:15,755 --> 01:04:18,073
Yeah yeah yeah, sure
you would have guessed.
1504
01:04:18,075 --> 01:04:19,483
Right, have it your way.
1505
01:04:19,485 --> 01:04:20,723
I'm sure you also would
have guessed that Mary
1506
01:04:20,725 --> 01:04:21,665
was the dog angel.
1507
01:04:22,505 --> 01:04:25,793
Well in the old days there
were very few religions,
1508
01:04:25,795 --> 01:04:26,915
nothing fancy.
1509
01:04:28,145 --> 01:04:31,213
Truth is, if all of the services
1510
01:04:31,215 --> 01:04:33,183
had been conducted in Latin,
1511
01:04:33,185 --> 01:04:34,963
then you would have closed your eyes,
1512
01:04:34,965 --> 01:04:36,053
you'd never know where you were.
1513
01:04:36,055 --> 01:04:38,533
Yeah. But you know how people are.
1514
01:04:38,535 --> 01:04:39,673
Complicated.
1515
01:04:39,675 --> 01:04:42,453
Well, let's just say not too bright.
1516
01:04:42,455 --> 01:04:44,703
So before you could say
Moses and the bull rushes,
1517
01:04:44,705 --> 01:04:48,723
there were more religions,
cults, sects and covens
1518
01:04:48,725 --> 01:04:49,973
than you could shake a stick at.
1519
01:04:49,975 --> 01:04:52,133
Tempted as you might be.
1520
01:04:52,135 --> 01:04:54,423
They just sprang up like toad stores.
1521
01:04:54,425 --> 01:04:56,513
It seems like every
time you turned around,
1522
01:04:56,515 --> 01:04:59,633
there was people speaking
in tongues and channeling
1523
01:04:59,635 --> 01:05:03,883
and reading backwards,
twirling around in circles,
1524
01:05:03,885 --> 01:05:05,585
playing with snakes.
1525
01:05:06,465 --> 01:05:08,133
What's religion like in heaven,
1526
01:05:08,135 --> 01:05:11,529
I mean do you go to church,
does god give sermon?
1527
01:05:11,531 --> 01:05:12,883
No.
1528
01:05:12,885 --> 01:05:14,003
Why not?
1529
01:05:14,005 --> 01:05:15,315
We don't need it.
1530
01:05:16,285 --> 01:05:18,043
The main point of religion
1531
01:05:18,045 --> 01:05:20,493
is to remind people that god exists.
1532
01:05:20,495 --> 01:05:22,863
We don't need reminding god exists.
1533
01:05:22,865 --> 01:05:25,443
And if you need reminding,
try turning your stereo on
1534
01:05:25,445 --> 01:05:26,645
sometime after midnight.
1535
01:05:28,055 --> 01:05:31,462
If you could tell people
one thing, what would it be?
1536
01:05:31,464 --> 01:05:32,653
I think people should remember
1537
01:05:32,655 --> 01:05:35,923
that although god answers all prayers.
1538
01:05:35,925 --> 01:05:39,113
Sometimes they have to
accept that the answer is no.
1539
01:05:39,115 --> 01:05:40,833
The only thing wrong with people,
1540
01:05:40,835 --> 01:05:42,725
is they keep on asking questions,
1541
01:05:43,615 --> 01:05:44,803
long after they've been provided
1542
01:05:44,805 --> 01:05:46,743
with all the answers they'll ever need.
1543
01:05:46,745 --> 01:05:48,233
You mean the 10 commandments?
1544
01:05:48,235 --> 01:05:49,066
Yeah.
1545
01:05:49,068 --> 01:05:51,043
The trouble with most
people, if you ask me,
1546
01:05:51,045 --> 01:05:53,683
is that they seem to think
that there are six commandments
1547
01:05:53,685 --> 01:05:55,633
and four suggestions.
1548
01:05:55,635 --> 01:06:00,635
John, Julie, there's one
thing that I have to ask.
1549
01:06:01,255 --> 01:06:02,183
Of course.
1550
01:06:02,185 --> 01:06:04,285
You wouldn't be human if you didn't ask.
1551
01:06:05,145 --> 01:06:07,675
God, what's he like?
1552
01:06:08,695 --> 01:06:09,645
The waitress.
1553
01:06:12,995 --> 01:06:14,395
God looks like a waitress.
1554
01:06:16,525 --> 01:06:18,963
God is the waitress.
1555
01:06:18,965 --> 01:06:20,603
God is the waitress.
1556
01:06:20,605 --> 01:06:23,063
Hey guys, I didn't just
fall off the turnup truck.
1557
01:06:23,065 --> 01:06:25,593
Suit yourself, but that's the truth.
1558
01:06:25,595 --> 01:06:27,809
If you don't believe us, just ask her.
1559
01:06:27,811 --> 01:06:30,213
If she is god, then
I'm a monkey's uncle.
1560
01:06:30,215 --> 01:06:31,863
Close enough.
1561
01:06:31,865 --> 01:06:34,553
Come on honey, let's call it a night.
1562
01:06:34,555 --> 01:06:36,509
Now we get to my favorite part.
1563
01:06:36,511 --> 01:06:38,163
Prelutsky doddled.
1564
01:06:38,165 --> 01:06:40,733
I love that word, couldn't
you see him doddling.
1565
01:06:40,735 --> 01:06:43,043
He's worried that John and
Julie are playing a joke on him
1566
01:06:43,045 --> 01:06:44,593
and he doesn't want to embarrass himself
1567
01:06:44,595 --> 01:06:47,233
by asking an old woman if she's god.
1568
01:06:47,235 --> 01:06:48,513
But how could he resist.
1569
01:06:48,515 --> 01:06:51,893
I mean, as Prelutsky writes,
what could it hurt on a night
1570
01:06:51,895 --> 01:06:53,783
where I've already met
a room full of angels
1571
01:06:53,785 --> 01:06:55,883
to ask an elderly waitress if she's god?
1572
01:06:55,885 --> 01:06:58,123
I'm yet to meet a waiter
in the Jewish
1573
01:06:58,125 --> 01:07:00,033
who wasn't half convinced he was god.
1574
01:07:00,035 --> 01:07:01,585
So what did he have to loose?
1575
01:07:04,605 --> 01:07:05,583
I don't mean to be rude,
1576
01:07:05,585 --> 01:07:09,463
but those two told me that you were god.
1577
01:07:09,465 --> 01:07:11,833
So, what's the question.
1578
01:07:11,835 --> 01:07:14,103
My question is, are you her?
1579
01:07:14,105 --> 01:07:16,633
By her, do you mean me?
1580
01:07:16,635 --> 01:07:19,353
Well I do, if you're her.
1581
01:07:19,355 --> 01:07:21,873
Well if I'm not, then who is?
1582
01:07:21,875 --> 01:07:23,465
So you really are her.
1583
01:07:24,685 --> 01:07:25,845
So help me, me.
1584
01:07:26,758 --> 01:07:27,589
Are you telling me that god
1585
01:07:27,591 --> 01:07:29,633
is waiting tables in crummy bar?
1586
01:07:29,635 --> 01:07:31,003
I've seen worse.
1587
01:07:31,005 --> 01:07:35,103
In fact, right at this moment,
I am sweeping up a cafe
1588
01:07:35,105 --> 01:07:37,403
in downtown Beirut,
1589
01:07:37,405 --> 01:07:40,343
makes this place looks like Versailles.
1590
01:07:40,345 --> 01:07:41,893
That's not the point.
1591
01:07:41,895 --> 01:07:44,733
God waiting tables in a
bar, that's outrageous.
1592
01:07:44,735 --> 01:07:46,313
You're right, I suppose,
1593
01:07:46,315 --> 01:07:48,913
and to tell you the truth
a little hard on my feet
1594
01:07:48,915 --> 01:07:51,943
but, I soak em good when I get home.
1595
01:07:51,945 --> 01:07:55,513
But it's honest work,
we got a nice clientele,
1596
01:07:55,515 --> 01:07:57,075
and I get Sunday's off.
1597
01:07:58,725 --> 01:08:01,449
What was that all about.
1598
01:08:01,451 --> 01:08:03,883
Oh, you noticed I left.
1599
01:08:03,885 --> 01:08:04,733
Wasn't I supposed to.
1600
01:08:04,735 --> 01:08:07,093
That was a darn good trick.
1601
01:08:07,095 --> 01:08:08,373
I must be slowing down.
1602
01:08:08,375 --> 01:08:11,443
It used to be, I could be
everywhere all at the same time.
1603
01:08:11,445 --> 01:08:13,101
Where were you just now?
1604
01:08:13,103 --> 01:08:16,553
A giant comet just crashed into Siberia.
1605
01:08:16,555 --> 01:08:20,503
Comets, volcanoes, tidal waves,
I just love all that stuff.
1606
01:08:20,505 --> 01:08:21,893
What are you doing here?
1607
01:08:21,895 --> 01:08:24,753
Mostly staying in
touch with my workforce.
1608
01:08:24,755 --> 01:08:28,183
Like a CEO who is lunching
at the company cafeteria?
1609
01:08:28,185 --> 01:08:29,223
That's the idea,
1610
01:08:29,225 --> 01:08:31,343
it shows that you're just one of the gang.
1611
01:08:31,345 --> 01:08:34,073
It's supposed to boost morale.
1612
01:08:34,075 --> 01:08:35,563
I read all about that in a book
1613
01:08:35,565 --> 01:08:38,843
about modern management techniques,
1614
01:08:38,845 --> 01:08:41,285
oh and I just joined a bowling league,
1615
01:08:42,266 --> 01:08:45,915
I can't tell you how hard it
is for me not to throw strikes.
1616
01:08:46,835 --> 01:08:48,443
Speaking of books.
1617
01:08:48,445 --> 01:08:51,073
How would you suggest I go
about getting published.
1618
01:08:51,075 --> 01:08:53,453
I heard about all those hot shot writers
1619
01:08:53,455 --> 01:08:56,223
that tried and failed,
1620
01:08:56,225 --> 01:08:59,043
and if they couldn't get
published, how can I?
1621
01:08:59,045 --> 01:09:02,053
Frankly, I wouldn't mind
a little positive publicity.
1622
01:09:02,055 --> 01:09:04,973
Lately, the only time I
see my name is in print,
1623
01:09:04,975 --> 01:09:09,033
is when Time Periodicals
announces my demise
1624
01:09:09,035 --> 01:09:14,035
or some crazy cult leader
says that he has me on hold.
1625
01:09:15,555 --> 01:09:17,376
What do you think I should do?
1626
01:09:17,378 --> 01:09:20,123
When you write your
book, you give me holler,
1627
01:09:20,125 --> 01:09:21,943
I'll make a few calls.
1628
01:09:21,945 --> 01:09:24,693
You know people in the book business?
1629
01:09:24,695 --> 01:09:26,865
I wrote a bestseller you know.
1630
01:09:27,735 --> 01:09:29,053
I forgot.
1631
01:09:29,055 --> 01:09:30,113
So did they.
1632
01:09:30,115 --> 01:09:33,453
I'm still waiting for
my first royalty check.
1633
01:09:33,455 --> 01:09:36,095
Oh, by the way, your car is ready now.
1634
01:09:37,125 --> 01:09:39,513
I have to admit
that is quite the tale.
1635
01:09:39,515 --> 01:09:41,073
Now you understand why this book
1636
01:09:41,075 --> 01:09:42,053
is so important to me.
1637
01:09:42,055 --> 01:09:43,013
I guess I do.
1638
01:09:43,015 --> 01:09:47,493
Look, I know I'm a joke.
1639
01:09:47,495 --> 01:09:49,303
I've owned paintings,
1640
01:09:49,305 --> 01:09:52,003
and I don't even know how to
say the names of the artists.
1641
01:09:52,005 --> 01:09:55,453
But that doesn't mean I didn't
appreciate their beauty,
1642
01:09:55,455 --> 01:09:59,395
believe me, wallpaper would
have been a whole lot cheaper.
1643
01:10:00,385 --> 01:10:02,243
But I love beautiful things,
1644
01:10:02,245 --> 01:10:05,633
and I want Angels to be a beautiful movie.
1645
01:10:05,635 --> 01:10:06,468
Good luck.
1646
01:10:07,515 --> 01:10:12,053
Sometimes, I know this
is gonna sound nuts,
1647
01:10:12,055 --> 01:10:14,833
but sometimes I feel like my mom
1648
01:10:14,835 --> 01:10:16,765
was standing as close to me as you are
1649
01:10:18,015 --> 01:10:20,752
and she's been gone for nearly 20 years.
1650
01:10:20,754 --> 01:10:23,363
She is the real reason I bought this book.
1651
01:10:23,365 --> 01:10:25,333
So I could dedicate the movie to her.
1652
01:10:25,335 --> 01:10:30,335
She is the real reason that I
know that angels really exist.
1653
01:10:37,485 --> 01:10:38,385
She'd like that.
1654
01:10:53,135 --> 01:10:56,295
Well it was nice meeting you.
1655
01:10:56,297 --> 01:10:57,297
Thank you.
1656
01:10:58,295 --> 01:10:59,126
Peace.
1657
01:10:59,128 --> 01:11:01,275
From your mouth to my ear.
1658
01:11:10,165 --> 01:11:15,165
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