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Previously on "American Princess"...
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Are you on our honeymoon?
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Dr. Bloom said after a
major emotional trauma
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to prioritize self-care.
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BRIAN: I ran into Juan Andrés, you know,
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the man that I sort of like.
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Oh, good God. You're obsessed.
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She was not very helpful
to me today, as a friend.
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You got to go get him!
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- Yes.
- Yes.
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I'd like to be your friend.
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I have enough friends.
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♪♪
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MORGAN: We're not here to judge.
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I mean, with everything
you went through,
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it makes sense that you would run off
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and do something... different.
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And we're also here to check that
you aren't totally mentally ill.
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Next up is the faire's
own dirty pub wench,
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Ophelia Feelsgood!
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I don't even know who you are right now.
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God, what the hell am I
gonna tell your mother?
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Did she send you here?
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I love you, Amanda. I do.
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But this? I can't.
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AMANDA: Mom, I know what you did.
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ERIN: Amanda, it's Erin. Mom OD'ed.
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Get your ass home.
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ERIN: Here. This'll perk her up.
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Ugh. Why not?
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While you've been
enjoying your breakdown,
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I've been here, vacuuming up vomit.
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- She puked?
- Of course she puked.
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If you're faking an overdose,
you commit.
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Two fingers down the throat...
Like she taught us.
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She chased three Zolpies
down with a bottle of Pinot
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and had Rebecca call Dr. Schwartzman.
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REBECCA: Calling Dr. Schwartzman.
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BOTH: Rebecca, cancel call.
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Call canceled.
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Okay, I'm not having a breakdown.
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It's a new adventure. A bend in my road.
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And Mom seems fine.
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Sure, she's fine. The vacuum is ruined.
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So buy another vacuum.
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- Easy for you to say.
- It is.
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Rebecca, buy a wet-dry vacuum.
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- Purchasing a wet-dry vacuum.
- Voilà!
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Only the latest crisis I've had
to handle. By myself.
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All alone. With no help.
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Like an orphan.
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I'm not apologizing for
looking after myself.
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I'm entitled to some distance.
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[SCOFFS] Distance? From your mother?
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Have they sucked all the Jew out of you
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up there in fake England-land?
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That's not fair. I still have
night terrors about final exams.
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Asians have those, too.
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[SIGHS]
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We shouldn't have to live
our lives to make her happy.
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How about making me happy, huh?
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I've got parent-teacher
conferences tomorrow,
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and they no longer let nannies cover
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and I can't send Joel
because he never finds out
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which kids are worse than ours.
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This is real life, Amanda.
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I need your help.
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We pinky-promised.
Us against her, forever.
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Yeah, when I was 8 and still thought
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that she was under a
spell from an evil witch.
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You did do a deep
dive into the dark arts
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looking for a reversal.
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[CHUCKLES] Do you remember
that, uh, purple cape
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- you wore everywhere?
- Oh, yeah.
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[LAUGHS]
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[SNORTS]
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[SIGHS] Okay, fine,
I'll stay until tomorrow night.
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Sure Camp Men-In-Tights will survive?
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- Screw you.
- Screw you.
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See? This is nice.
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Like old times.
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I miss this.
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There is a sort of
familiar comfort in it.
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Here are some comforters
for you to choose from.
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I don't not need a new duvet.
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Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
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BRIAN:
♪ Happy hysterecto-versary to you ♪
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♪ Happy hysterecto-versary to you ♪
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♪ Happy hysterecto-versary,
dear Maggie ♪
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♪ Happy hysterecto-versary to you ♪
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♪ And many mooooooore! ♪
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Oh, I knew you wouldn't forget.
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Oh!
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I feel so blessed.
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11 years cancer and child-free.
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Who could ask for anything more?
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[CHUCKLES] Now make a wish.
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Oh. Oh.
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Whoo!
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Oh, I have quite a day planned for us.
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A small piece for me.
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Day... you say?
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Yeah. Is there a problem?
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No. It's just...
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Juan Andrés and I had
talked about throwing pottery
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at his studio.
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Oh. How very "Ghost" of you.
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Believe it or not, I have
actually been looking forward
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to getting my hands dirty.
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Oh, please, you despise dirty.
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Which is perfect because
I've booked us mani-pedis
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and side-by-side shiatsus.
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I think the plural for
"shiatsu" is also "shiatsu."
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It's like "moose" or "underwear."
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In or out?
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Fine, I'm in.
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To my fallen fallopians.
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Oh! Such a wondrous moment for a mother!
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And for a daughter! For all mothers!
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And all daughters!
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And the whole sisterhood of women
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who bleed once a month and don't die.
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It isn't too much, though, is it?
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I thought you were talking
about a much smaller event.
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Like, I didn't expect an evite.
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[GROANS]
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Whoo! What else do we need?
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We? Unh-unh. No.
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This is a celebration of
the feminine awakening.
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No boys allowed.
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But I was on the evite.
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00:05:04,153 --> 00:05:06,706
Maybe it's time you two got
separate e-mail addresses.
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Secrets are the enemy of love, so...
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00:05:09,605 --> 00:05:11,855
I-I think Breeze
might be more comfortable
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if it's a ladies-only deal.
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You get it.
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No, I don't.
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00:05:16,129 --> 00:05:18,174
And who's the one that bought
her that book about puberty?
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Me. Yeah, her father.
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It was a good book, too.
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We both learned a lot.
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Out! Your testosterone
is ruining the juju.
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00:05:27,251 --> 00:05:28,995
It's just a couple hours, sweetie.
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Let the women have their time.
145
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You're making me feel marginalized.
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You'll get over it. I promise.
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Okay, the Pinterest one
called for kumquat ovaries,
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but all we had were apricots.
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Wait. Is that...?
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Yes!
151
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- It's a fruiterus.
- [GASPS]
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Delilah, it's beautiful!
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Yeah, and I made her a virgin.
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- Accurate.
- Yeah. We think.
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- We hope.
- We hope.
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JOANNTHA: Oh! [LAUGHS]
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Good morning, sunshine!
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Big plans today.
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Look at you all up and about.
160
00:06:03,521 --> 00:06:05,231
Hmm. I'm glad to see
you're feeling better.
161
00:06:05,256 --> 00:06:06,301
Oh, no, no, no, no.
162
00:06:07,638 --> 00:06:09,902
I'm still in such terrible pain,
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both physically and...
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[SIGHS] ... emotionally.
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But we're talking about you.
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Oh. Your friends really want to see you.
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Yeah, well, I didn't tell
anyone I was here.
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- I did.
- Wh...
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- You're welcome.
- [GROANS] Mom!
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Now, we're having a big dinner.
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- No.
- No backing out.
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You're getting quite a
reputation as a canceler.
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I really just don't want...
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[SIGHS]
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Dinner is fine. Thank you.
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Well, look at you,
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with your groovy, hippie deep breaths.
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If you really want to thank me,
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get Mommy a flat white
from that place on 84th.
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You know the one.
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The young man who...
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flirts with me via coffee foam.
183
00:07:02,732 --> 00:07:04,074
You mean he made a heart in it?
184
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Yes!
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Oh, poor boy.
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00:07:07,834 --> 00:07:09,449
He must have worked so hard on that
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to get my attention.
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But I would never.
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00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,051
He's got a tattoo of an avocado.
190
00:07:15,428 --> 00:07:17,648
Then it's probably best
you spurn his affections.
191
00:07:17,673 --> 00:07:19,535
So many calories.
192
00:07:27,460 --> 00:07:29,003
What's something funny
to say with this picture?
193
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Huh?
194
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,191
Breeze got her period.
195
00:07:32,354 --> 00:07:33,956
That doesn't really go with the photo.
196
00:07:33,981 --> 00:07:35,081
Menarche.
197
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,808
What?! She's 13, man. Men are not key.
198
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:40,227
Menarche is the first menstrual cycle.
199
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:42,066
Shut up with your fancy words.
200
00:07:42,091 --> 00:07:43,355
I'm freaking out.
201
00:07:43,423 --> 00:07:46,019
Congratulations? Or sorry?
202
00:07:46,261 --> 00:07:47,683
I don't really know what to say.
203
00:07:47,708 --> 00:07:50,292
[EXHALES] Yeah, me, neither. It's weird.
204
00:07:50,317 --> 00:07:52,706
Lulu and Delilah are
throwing Breeze a party.
205
00:07:52,731 --> 00:07:55,050
They get a party for that?
Like, with gifts?
206
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,050
- Yeah.
- What should we get Breeze?
207
00:07:57,075 --> 00:07:59,066
Nothing. We're not invited.
208
00:07:59,805 --> 00:08:01,878
Yeah, they said it's a "woman thing."
209
00:08:01,903 --> 00:08:04,644
- Ahh.
- Everything's a woman thing now.
210
00:08:04,669 --> 00:08:07,612
I think menstruation has
always been a woman thing.
211
00:08:07,637 --> 00:08:09,421
But we could do, like, a man thing.
212
00:08:09,446 --> 00:08:10,882
You know, we could use a day.
213
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,909
Yes! Let's do some man things, huh?
214
00:08:12,934 --> 00:08:15,472
- Strip clubs?
- Yes! No. No.
215
00:08:15,497 --> 00:08:17,253
Nah, it doesn't feel
right looking at boobs
216
00:08:17,278 --> 00:08:19,886
when Breeze is just getting her boobs.
217
00:08:20,773 --> 00:08:24,003
I don't even want to say... "boobs."
218
00:08:24,028 --> 00:08:25,362
Okay, well, we could drink beers,
219
00:08:25,387 --> 00:08:28,259
watch sports, read Civil War novels.
220
00:08:28,284 --> 00:08:29,612
- Could we shoot things?
- Yeah!
221
00:08:29,637 --> 00:08:31,222
- No!
- Yeah.
222
00:08:31,247 --> 00:08:32,847
[SING-SONG] We're gonna shoot things.
223
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:38,994
You'll never have to figure out
what a "Mowana" is.
224
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,205
[LAUGHS]
225
00:08:41,540 --> 00:08:44,650
Look! I can laugh uproariously
and not wet myself!
226
00:08:45,218 --> 00:08:47,003
You can die the way you want...
227
00:08:47,028 --> 00:08:48,658
By jumping off a cruise ship.
228
00:08:49,614 --> 00:08:52,611
When I wake up at 3:00 a.m.,
it's because I vomited.
229
00:08:53,164 --> 00:08:55,416
Oh, looks like
the real party's over here.
230
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,398
Um, we're just listing reasons
231
00:08:59,423 --> 00:09:01,627
why it's good to not have children.
232
00:09:01,652 --> 00:09:02,955
Because I have no uterus.
233
00:09:02,980 --> 00:09:04,285
And neither do I!
234
00:09:04,310 --> 00:09:06,007
Oh. Can I play?
235
00:09:06,032 --> 00:09:07,244
- No.
- Sure!
236
00:09:08,306 --> 00:09:09,568
Uh...
237
00:09:09,593 --> 00:09:10,898
Maybe next time then.
238
00:09:12,694 --> 00:09:14,080
You ready to throw?
239
00:09:14,105 --> 00:09:15,136
Yes, we're just about...
240
00:09:15,161 --> 00:09:16,573
- finished up here.
- No, we still have things to do.
241
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,144
Today is the 11th anniversary
of my hysterectomy.
242
00:09:19,169 --> 00:09:21,442
- Wow. I'm so...
- So happy for her.
243
00:09:21,467 --> 00:09:23,262
So... Yeah, so happy for you.
244
00:09:23,287 --> 00:09:24,462
Thank you.
245
00:09:27,053 --> 00:09:28,239
Do you want some cake?
246
00:09:28,264 --> 00:09:29,887
I have barely touched mine.
247
00:09:31,230 --> 00:09:33,169
Please, have some cake.
248
00:09:34,193 --> 00:09:35,262
Thank you.
249
00:09:40,726 --> 00:09:42,639
- So, maybe we should...
- Light a symbolic candle
250
00:09:42,664 --> 00:09:43,905
for each of the babies I never had?
251
00:09:43,930 --> 00:09:44,968
Marvelous.
252
00:09:45,253 --> 00:09:48,413
I had a very sexual phase
about five years ago,
253
00:09:48,438 --> 00:09:50,444
so buckle up. [LAUGHS]
254
00:09:50,469 --> 00:09:52,093
All righty.
255
00:09:52,118 --> 00:09:53,218
Um, could you?
256
00:09:53,243 --> 00:09:54,810
I don't want to ruin my nails.
257
00:09:54,835 --> 00:09:56,022
Sure.
258
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:01,014
For Yannick, son of
the Swiss street artist.
259
00:10:01,459 --> 00:10:03,984
You, too, would have had intimacy issues
260
00:10:04,009 --> 00:10:05,866
about giving out your phone number.
261
00:10:06,568 --> 00:10:10,421
Oh. To Jamila,
daughter of the rug merchant
262
00:10:10,446 --> 00:10:13,139
who sold me my favorite afghan.
263
00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:16,648
For Tyler Jr., son of
the aspiring foot model
264
00:10:16,673 --> 00:10:19,371
who was handing out samplers
outside of the Hot Diggity Dog.
265
00:10:19,396 --> 00:10:21,070
[CHUCKLES] I should
probably go alphabetically,
266
00:10:21,095 --> 00:10:22,719
in case I lose my place.
We'd have to start all over.
267
00:10:22,744 --> 00:10:24,555
Oh, don't want that.
268
00:10:28,134 --> 00:10:29,222
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
269
00:10:29,247 --> 00:10:31,772
- Here you go. Enjoy.
- Thanks.
270
00:10:37,749 --> 00:10:38,792
Hi.
271
00:10:38,817 --> 00:10:40,209
Oh. She didn't.
272
00:10:40,234 --> 00:10:41,365
You look great.
273
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:42,652
Of course she did.
274
00:10:42,677 --> 00:10:44,523
Joanntha said you were ready to talk.
275
00:10:44,625 --> 00:10:46,625
I so did not tell her that.
276
00:10:47,845 --> 00:10:49,055
But that's... That's okay.
277
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:50,336
That's okay!
278
00:10:50,838 --> 00:10:52,258
You didn't know that.
And we're all just being
279
00:10:52,283 --> 00:10:54,352
the best versions of ourselves
that we're capable of being.
280
00:10:56,024 --> 00:10:57,570
C-C-Can we sit?
281
00:10:58,402 --> 00:10:59,577
Give me a few minutes?
282
00:10:59,602 --> 00:11:00,609
Please?
283
00:11:02,355 --> 00:11:03,617
Fine.
284
00:11:12,807 --> 00:11:14,188
So how was our honeymoon?
285
00:11:14,679 --> 00:11:16,633
I'm guessing that my prayers
for a devastating hurricane
286
00:11:16,658 --> 00:11:19,203
- went unanswered.
- [LAUGHS] There's my girl.
287
00:11:19,228 --> 00:11:20,336
I'm not a girl.
288
00:11:20,665 --> 00:11:22,172
And I'm not "your" anything.
289
00:11:23,065 --> 00:11:25,625
Look, I know I shouldn't have gone,
290
00:11:25,650 --> 00:11:27,203
but I needed to get away from here.
291
00:11:27,735 --> 00:11:29,188
Everyone hates me.
292
00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:32,016
Which they should, I get it.
293
00:11:32,728 --> 00:11:34,508
- But it's hard.
- As hard as you were
294
00:11:34,533 --> 00:11:36,099
when you were inside Helen's mouth?
295
00:11:36,124 --> 00:11:38,258
I wanted her to leave the night before,
296
00:11:38,283 --> 00:11:40,742
but it was late and it seemed
unsafe for her to drive.
297
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:42,719
- Oh, my G...
- W-W-Wait. Please.
298
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,070
S-Sit.
299
00:11:45,935 --> 00:11:47,452
I'm glad you brought it up,
300
00:11:47,477 --> 00:11:49,469
'cause I've been thinking
a lot about why I did that,
301
00:11:49,494 --> 00:11:50,756
and... I don't know.
302
00:11:50,781 --> 00:11:52,652
Cool. Yeah, thanks for the clarity.
303
00:11:52,677 --> 00:11:54,297
I was out of my mind.
304
00:11:55,141 --> 00:11:56,341
The whole time.
305
00:11:56,366 --> 00:11:58,832
Every conversation led to mortgages
306
00:11:58,857 --> 00:12:01,578
and babies and 401Ks and retirement.
307
00:12:02,410 --> 00:12:03,609
Retirement?!
308
00:12:04,035 --> 00:12:05,781
I'm supposed to start
thinking of retirement?
309
00:12:05,806 --> 00:12:08,078
We, Brett. We were
supposed to start thinking
310
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,648
of all of those things together.
311
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,844
I was freaked out, too,
312
00:12:13,869 --> 00:12:16,219
but you didn't catch me
sitting on a caterer's face.
313
00:12:16,434 --> 00:12:18,305
Specifically the tall
one with the motorcycle
314
00:12:18,330 --> 00:12:20,070
who made the filling for
the lettuce cup things.
315
00:12:20,313 --> 00:12:22,655
Those fillings were delicious
when we had them at the tasting.
316
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,023
He's clearly passionate.
317
00:12:27,287 --> 00:12:28,538
I've missed you.
318
00:12:30,817 --> 00:12:32,523
Tell me what I can do to get you back.
319
00:12:32,548 --> 00:12:33,797
I'll do whatever you say.
320
00:12:34,719 --> 00:12:36,109
I don't know what to say.
321
00:12:37,379 --> 00:12:40,109
Then at least tell me it's not over.
322
00:12:41,092 --> 00:12:43,367
It's a... It's a hurdle, right?
323
00:12:43,776 --> 00:12:44,969
We'll get over it?
324
00:12:48,612 --> 00:12:50,265
I really don't know.
325
00:12:51,566 --> 00:12:52,785
Bye, Brett.
326
00:12:57,255 --> 00:12:59,127
[SQUEALS] Shh! She's coming.
327
00:12:59,152 --> 00:13:00,391
Okay, everybody, freeze!
328
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,633
Right this way, honey.
329
00:13:09,740 --> 00:13:12,257
ALL: Surprise!
330
00:13:12,282 --> 00:13:14,898
- What is this?
- It's your period party!
331
00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:15,969
Oh, no.
332
00:13:15,994 --> 00:13:19,344
Happy Menses, Little Lunar Lady.
333
00:13:19,369 --> 00:13:21,031
Check this out.
334
00:13:21,056 --> 00:13:24,320
All vaginas are different,
but they are all beautiful.
335
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,141
And don't let anybody
tell you otherwise.
336
00:13:26,166 --> 00:13:30,969
Some have long, luxurious lips,
kind of like mine.
337
00:13:30,994 --> 00:13:33,852
Some of them are like
two baby carrots, kissing.
338
00:13:33,877 --> 00:13:36,352
- Mine smells like sugar cookies.
- Ew.
339
00:13:36,377 --> 00:13:39,585
We are gathered here today
340
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:45,563
to celebrate the first shedding
of Breeze's uterine lining.
341
00:13:45,588 --> 00:13:46,632
Whoo!
342
00:13:46,657 --> 00:13:48,311
[CHEERING]
343
00:13:48,336 --> 00:13:49,508
All right, all right, all right.
344
00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:52,391
Babe, this is for you.
345
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,930
Oh, please no...
346
00:13:54,955 --> 00:13:56,217
One second.
347
00:13:57,716 --> 00:13:58,890
Yes.
348
00:13:59,918 --> 00:14:02,094
Exultation in Menstruation,
349
00:14:02,395 --> 00:14:04,016
a poem by Evelyn Stanton.
350
00:14:05,854 --> 00:14:07,602
"A torrent of crimson,
351
00:14:08,289 --> 00:14:10,367
Godsent from the blood moon,
352
00:14:10,608 --> 00:14:13,453
struts down my dryad legs,
353
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:17,507
noble and tasting
of fetid iron, soaking..."
354
00:14:17,532 --> 00:14:18,532
Stop!
355
00:14:18,619 --> 00:14:20,311
What is wrong with all of you?
356
00:14:20,336 --> 00:14:21,757
LULU: We're here to
make you feel special
357
00:14:21,782 --> 00:14:23,530
on this special occasion.
358
00:14:23,555 --> 00:14:25,186
Okay, I don't want to feel special!
359
00:14:25,211 --> 00:14:26,921
I want to feel normal!
360
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:32,436
♪♪
361
00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:35,392
[SCOFFS]
362
00:14:35,569 --> 00:14:37,876
- Hormones.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
363
00:14:40,709 --> 00:14:41,741
SHART: Pull!
364
00:14:42,235 --> 00:14:43,287
[GUNSHOT]
365
00:14:43,785 --> 00:14:45,395
Nice shot, man!
366
00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:47,805
- Ha-ha-ha! Whoo!
- Yeah.
367
00:14:48,171 --> 00:14:50,095
This does feel pretty good.
368
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,781
Whoo! Ha-ha!
369
00:14:52,007 --> 00:14:53,486
- Your turn, bro.
- I'm good.
370
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,796
It's man day. Take the gun.
371
00:14:54,821 --> 00:14:55,996
I'll take his turn.
372
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:57,022
Nah.
373
00:14:57,047 --> 00:14:58,117
Your turn.
374
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,431
You're shooting a clay plate.
375
00:15:00,456 --> 00:15:01,587
It represents a bird.
376
00:15:01,612 --> 00:15:02,672
It represents a plate.
377
00:15:02,697 --> 00:15:05,273
I'll go. Seriously, I'll go.
378
00:15:05,298 --> 00:15:07,414
No. I'm going again.
379
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:10,391
- Pull!
- Tweet. Tweet. Tweet. Tweet.
380
00:15:10,416 --> 00:15:11,563
[GUNSHOT]
381
00:15:11,753 --> 00:15:13,102
- Whoo!
- Damn it!
382
00:15:13,247 --> 00:15:14,852
It's not a real bird!
383
00:15:15,102 --> 00:15:17,047
But even if it was, birds are gross.
384
00:15:17,072 --> 00:15:18,641
They're little dinosaurs
that want to kills us.
385
00:15:18,666 --> 00:15:19,875
We have to kill them first.
386
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:22,680
What truth is your violence sublimating?
387
00:15:22,705 --> 00:15:24,695
I'm gonna sublimate your
ass if you don't shut up.
388
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,523
Guys, smile!
389
00:15:27,723 --> 00:15:30,272
Ha. You both look miserable!
390
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:31,656
It's perfect!
391
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,599
Give me the gun!
392
00:15:36,198 --> 00:15:37,678
What are you running from?
393
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:39,125
I'm not running from anything.
394
00:15:40,127 --> 00:15:41,367
Lulu kicked me out.
395
00:15:41,783 --> 00:15:43,203
And what does your heart tell you?
396
00:15:43,385 --> 00:15:46,188
That I... That I'm gonna be kicked out
397
00:15:46,213 --> 00:15:47,625
of a lot of Breeze's life from now on.
398
00:15:48,135 --> 00:15:49,788
And how does your heart feel?
399
00:15:52,269 --> 00:15:54,297
- Broken.
- And?
400
00:15:55,098 --> 00:15:56,180
Got to help me here.
401
00:15:56,970 --> 00:15:59,523
You feel like you're being forced
to represent the patriarchy,
402
00:15:59,548 --> 00:16:02,133
despite your unwavering
support of the women
403
00:16:02,158 --> 00:16:04,219
in your life and women everywhere.
404
00:16:05,021 --> 00:16:06,859
Yes! Ahh!
405
00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,407
Woman shouldn't patriarchy me.
406
00:16:08,432 --> 00:16:09,445
Correct.
407
00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:11,366
[LAUGHS] I'm gonna take back the night!
408
00:16:11,391 --> 00:16:13,594
- Too far.
- DAVID: Pull! Pull!
409
00:16:14,375 --> 00:16:15,531
[GUNSHOT]
410
00:16:18,454 --> 00:16:20,500
Nothing more fun than a gun!
411
00:16:20,525 --> 00:16:21,773
And safety.
412
00:16:21,798 --> 00:16:23,928
♪♪
413
00:16:23,953 --> 00:16:25,164
Hmm.
414
00:16:26,608 --> 00:16:28,070
You were gone quite a while.
415
00:16:28,095 --> 00:16:30,602
Yeah, strangest thing,
I thought I saw Brett,
416
00:16:30,627 --> 00:16:32,678
but then I left and
avoided him completely.
417
00:16:32,703 --> 00:16:33,711
You what?
418
00:16:33,736 --> 00:16:36,742
Oh, Mandy, you were
supposed to, you know...
419
00:16:36,767 --> 00:16:38,421
Why do you always...
420
00:16:38,446 --> 00:16:40,828
Calm your body, puppet-master.
421
00:16:42,128 --> 00:16:43,445
I saw him.
422
00:16:45,030 --> 00:16:46,164
And?
423
00:16:46,541 --> 00:16:47,977
It was awkward.
424
00:16:50,458 --> 00:16:51,953
And it was sad, Mom.
425
00:16:52,503 --> 00:16:54,977
And I'm just confused.
426
00:16:55,198 --> 00:16:58,128
And it's still too soon, and I just...
I don't know yet.
427
00:16:58,161 --> 00:16:59,161
Oh.
428
00:17:00,209 --> 00:17:01,558
It was a start.
429
00:17:03,311 --> 00:17:05,643
Just wish you'd had a
facial before you saw him.
430
00:17:05,668 --> 00:17:07,785
- Maybe bleached your arm hair.
- Mother.
431
00:17:09,346 --> 00:17:10,980
How about...
432
00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:13,066
How about you take a nice,
433
00:17:13,258 --> 00:17:16,910
hot steam shower and just relax?
434
00:17:17,777 --> 00:17:19,008
That sounds nice.
435
00:17:19,041 --> 00:17:20,041
Good.
436
00:17:20,066 --> 00:17:21,837
[SIGHS]
437
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,056
[DOORBELL RINGS]
438
00:17:23,099 --> 00:17:25,011
Oh, why, who could that be?
439
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:27,339
- Mom! If that's Brett...
- No.
440
00:17:27,364 --> 00:17:28,626
- I am so...
- You know, I have...
441
00:17:28,670 --> 00:17:29,972
Mom!
442
00:17:29,997 --> 00:17:33,058
♪♪
443
00:17:35,508 --> 00:17:37,206
Is that bagels and lox?
444
00:17:37,231 --> 00:17:38,753
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- ♪ That chandelier ♪
445
00:17:39,989 --> 00:17:41,425
Oh, my God, Chinese food!
446
00:17:41,450 --> 00:17:42,712
[DOORBELL RINGS]
447
00:17:42,737 --> 00:17:44,254
Sushi!
448
00:17:45,078 --> 00:17:47,121
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- It's crazy.
449
00:17:48,516 --> 00:17:49,691
[GASPS]
450
00:17:49,716 --> 00:17:51,805
Oh, my God! Anton!
451
00:17:51,830 --> 00:17:53,566
[LAUGHS]
452
00:17:55,691 --> 00:17:57,301
Thanks, Mommy!
453
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,464
♪ Watch this color shine,
oh, so glamorous ♪
454
00:18:00,489 --> 00:18:01,489
Lulu!
455
00:18:03,159 --> 00:18:04,757
- Hey.
- I get it.
456
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:07,683
It was too much.
I get over-excited sometimes.
457
00:18:08,037 --> 00:18:09,441
Okay, all the time.
458
00:18:09,466 --> 00:18:10,793
I think we overdid it a little.
459
00:18:10,818 --> 00:18:13,033
I don't want her to have
bed memories around this.
460
00:18:13,058 --> 00:18:14,498
Oh. It's too important.
461
00:18:14,523 --> 00:18:16,121
- Yeah.
- Can I talk to her?
462
00:18:16,146 --> 00:18:17,911
Oh, no. I don't think
that's a good idea.
463
00:18:17,936 --> 00:18:19,199
- I'll be real quick.
- Oh.
464
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:20,426
Yeah.
465
00:18:23,191 --> 00:18:27,496
Breeze, I am so sorry for
going about this the wrong way.
466
00:18:27,789 --> 00:18:29,652
- Forget it, it's fine.
- No.
467
00:18:29,677 --> 00:18:31,838
We should have planned
something far more intimate
468
00:18:31,863 --> 00:18:33,213
to welcome you into womanhood.
469
00:18:33,256 --> 00:18:34,262
Intimate?
470
00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:35,660
I don't need any welcoming.
471
00:18:37,238 --> 00:18:38,238
There you go.
472
00:18:38,879 --> 00:18:40,011
- What's going on?
- Okay.
473
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,871
- Delilah?
- Come.
474
00:18:41,896 --> 00:18:44,276
Let's all part our legs
and peer together
475
00:18:44,301 --> 00:18:46,972
into the heart of our female power.
476
00:18:46,997 --> 00:18:49,160
- No, no, no. No, no.
- Whoa! Mom?
477
00:18:49,185 --> 00:18:50,665
- Whoo!
- Mom.
478
00:18:50,690 --> 00:18:51,778
Can we get some better lighting in here?
479
00:18:51,803 --> 00:18:53,109
Pick up your panties.
480
00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:54,935
Lulu, you're body shaming.
481
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,434
- Mom!
- Delilah! No means no!
482
00:18:57,459 --> 00:18:59,152
Oh, my God!
483
00:19:00,637 --> 00:19:04,051
♪♪
484
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,371
♪ I never sleep 'cause I am a dream ♪
485
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:10,746
♪ I'm perfection in the first degree ♪
486
00:19:10,771 --> 00:19:13,905
♪ Being myself is the perfect crime ♪
487
00:19:13,930 --> 00:19:17,281
♪ I'm goin' solo and I'm all right ♪
488
00:19:17,306 --> 00:19:19,958
♪ I've never felt so fly ♪
489
00:19:20,215 --> 00:19:23,522
♪ It's nothin' that money can buy ♪
490
00:19:23,547 --> 00:19:26,578
♪ Don't need to tell me why ♪
491
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:30,608
♪ Come with me or say bye-bye ♪
492
00:19:30,633 --> 00:19:33,767
♪ I am the queen bee ♪
493
00:19:33,792 --> 00:19:36,926
♪ Gimme all your sugar,
honey, give it to me ♪
494
00:19:36,951 --> 00:19:40,171
♪ I am the queen bee ♪
495
00:19:40,196 --> 00:19:41,913
♪ Oh, so sweet ♪
496
00:19:41,938 --> 00:19:43,288
♪ Oh, so sweet ♪
497
00:19:43,313 --> 00:19:45,913
♪ Say rah, rah, rah ♪
498
00:19:48,462 --> 00:19:50,592
Have you ever worked the Dickens Faire?
499
00:19:51,118 --> 00:19:53,859
No. I'd need all new hats.
500
00:19:53,884 --> 00:19:55,334
I have some you can borrow.
501
00:19:55,780 --> 00:19:57,086
How big is your head?
502
00:19:58,982 --> 00:19:59,982
[SCOFFS]
503
00:20:00,108 --> 00:20:01,224
Big.
504
00:20:01,249 --> 00:20:02,530
[LAUGHS]
505
00:20:02,555 --> 00:20:04,819
Good Christ. Will you leave already?
506
00:20:04,844 --> 00:20:07,288
- Maggie!
- This was supposed to be my day!
507
00:20:07,919 --> 00:20:11,866
I'm gonna leave you two to,
uh, do more things.
508
00:20:12,340 --> 00:20:13,907
We can throw pots another time.
509
00:20:13,932 --> 00:20:15,238
I'm sorry.
510
00:20:17,951 --> 00:20:19,685
Why are you apologizing to him?
511
00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:20,710
[SCOFFS]
512
00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:22,889
You are something else.
513
00:20:23,008 --> 00:20:26,155
What? This day was supposed
to be about uter-us,
514
00:20:26,180 --> 00:20:29,178
not uter-you-and-your-Faire-Bear.
515
00:20:29,318 --> 00:20:30,885
What did you call him?
516
00:20:30,910 --> 00:20:32,553
Faire Bear. Is that offensive?
517
00:20:32,578 --> 00:20:34,580
Should I call him the
Hairy Guatemalan instead?
518
00:20:34,605 --> 00:20:36,920
He's Dominican. And he's from Ohio.
519
00:20:36,945 --> 00:20:38,749
Well, wherever he's from,
he should wax his back.
520
00:20:38,774 --> 00:20:40,944
There were tufts coming out
of the back of his shirt.
521
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,983
- I'm leaving.
- Good. Go.
522
00:20:44,008 --> 00:20:46,545
Have a wonderful time getting
dirty with your Ohioan.
523
00:20:47,076 --> 00:20:49,889
I'll finish the rest of our
hysterecto-versary events alone.
524
00:20:49,914 --> 00:20:50,983
Theme of my life.
525
00:20:51,359 --> 00:20:52,741
Unbelievable.
526
00:20:53,246 --> 00:20:54,811
If it's not about you for five minutes,
527
00:20:54,836 --> 00:20:57,397
you sulk like a child whose
Nintendo was taken away.
528
00:20:58,071 --> 00:21:00,428
I am not 100% certain,
529
00:21:00,453 --> 00:21:02,475
but Nintendo seems
like a dated reference.
530
00:21:02,884 --> 00:21:04,277
For a supposed Queen,
531
00:21:04,302 --> 00:21:07,631
you are a terrible
hostess and a real drag.
532
00:21:08,065 --> 00:21:10,303
And, yes, I'm aware
of using the words drag
533
00:21:10,328 --> 00:21:11,788
and queen close together,
534
00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:13,206
and I'm fine with it.
535
00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,711
Viva RuPaul!
536
00:21:16,507 --> 00:21:17,631
[WHIMPERS]
537
00:21:19,834 --> 00:21:20,834
Ugh.
538
00:21:22,319 --> 00:21:24,558
♪♪
539
00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:26,678
Whoo! Nice shot, Katniss!
540
00:21:27,681 --> 00:21:29,319
The girl from "The Hunger Games"?
541
00:21:29,415 --> 00:21:31,717
Oh. I wasn't allowed to read books
542
00:21:31,742 --> 00:21:33,150
with female heroines.
543
00:21:33,175 --> 00:21:34,437
Or by female authors.
544
00:21:34,462 --> 00:21:36,028
Wow. No Judy Blume?
545
00:21:36,053 --> 00:21:37,228
Bible only.
546
00:21:37,253 --> 00:21:38,553
Unless I was on my period,
547
00:21:38,578 --> 00:21:40,710
then I was even forbidden to touch that.
548
00:21:40,735 --> 00:21:44,366
Oh, and my mom said that a
tampon would take my virginity
549
00:21:44,391 --> 00:21:47,133
and no man would marry me
and I'd go straight to hell.
550
00:21:47,158 --> 00:21:49,732
Also, seeing a PG-13 movie
would send me to hell.
551
00:21:49,757 --> 00:21:51,062
Also, saying the word "hell."
552
00:21:51,087 --> 00:21:52,262
Unless you were talking about hell.
553
00:21:52,287 --> 00:21:53,405
Then it was fine.
554
00:21:54,065 --> 00:21:55,676
That was super confusing for me.
555
00:21:55,701 --> 00:21:56,924
Phew. I can only imagine.
556
00:21:56,949 --> 00:21:58,655
I don't want to, though. Sounds awful.
557
00:22:00,192 --> 00:22:03,412
Yeah. I left before they could
completely extinguish my light.
558
00:22:03,437 --> 00:22:05,830
I can attest to that. You shine bright.
559
00:22:05,855 --> 00:22:07,795
Yeah, well.
560
00:22:07,924 --> 00:22:10,013
Look, I'm sorry about freaking out
561
00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:12,388
over the vagina gazing.
562
00:22:12,413 --> 00:22:14,459
I-I know you love Breeze.
563
00:22:14,484 --> 00:22:18,454
Lulu, I just wanted her
to feel beautiful today.
564
00:22:19,090 --> 00:22:20,657
My parents said that
I welcomed the devil
565
00:22:20,682 --> 00:22:21,993
when I got my period.
566
00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:23,747
Which made me think the devil
567
00:22:23,772 --> 00:22:25,618
was into some really weird stuff.
568
00:22:26,620 --> 00:22:30,120
My parents gave me uptight country clubs
569
00:22:30,145 --> 00:22:32,063
and tennis lessons and boarding school.
570
00:22:32,088 --> 00:22:34,646
And they were definitely
into some weird stuff.
571
00:22:34,671 --> 00:22:36,001
At least I thought it was weird.
572
00:22:36,026 --> 00:22:38,251
To everyone else, they were
the paragons of normal.
573
00:22:38,276 --> 00:22:39,276
Ugh.
574
00:22:40,007 --> 00:22:41,813
Are you picturing your
parents in the target?
575
00:22:41,838 --> 00:22:44,126
- No! That's awful.
- Sorry.
576
00:22:44,151 --> 00:22:46,005
I'm picturing them as the arrows.
577
00:22:46,030 --> 00:22:47,554
The target is me.
578
00:22:49,915 --> 00:22:52,004
That is so much sadder.
579
00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:00,010
Are you back to bingeing and purging?
580
00:23:00,035 --> 00:23:01,035
No.
581
00:23:01,415 --> 00:23:03,415
This is what lifting kegs affords you.
582
00:23:03,439 --> 00:23:04,832
This is my fourth carb load today
583
00:23:04,857 --> 00:23:06,056
and I haven't even cried about it.
584
00:23:06,345 --> 00:23:08,907
Well, you will tomorrow
when your ass is so big
585
00:23:08,932 --> 00:23:10,760
you could hatch the moon
if you sat on it.
586
00:23:10,785 --> 00:23:11,923
I'm just saying.
587
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,641
LEXI: You can't sit on the moon.
588
00:23:14,325 --> 00:23:15,935
There's, like, no gravity there.
589
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,384
The kids are good. I put on "Moana."
590
00:23:18,844 --> 00:23:21,024
You don't worry about the
gender-stereotypical messaging
591
00:23:21,049 --> 00:23:23,391
of those movies?
I plan to ban princesses
592
00:23:23,416 --> 00:23:24,970
- I ever have kids.
- Good luck with that.
593
00:23:25,535 --> 00:23:27,556
It's really good
to be here with you guys.
594
00:23:28,857 --> 00:23:31,164
I'm gonna visit home
more often. I promise.
595
00:23:31,189 --> 00:23:32,235
Visit?
596
00:23:33,459 --> 00:23:36,186
You are not going back to
that godforsaken place.
597
00:23:36,211 --> 00:23:37,220
Of course I am.
598
00:23:37,245 --> 00:23:39,421
Oh, Amanda, stop.
599
00:23:39,591 --> 00:23:41,751
Stop with this foolishness.
600
00:23:42,609 --> 00:23:45,462
You belong here. With us.
601
00:23:46,096 --> 00:23:47,422
At home.
602
00:23:48,132 --> 00:23:50,040
Or within a few blocks.
603
00:23:50,268 --> 00:23:52,724
Just not too far east.
604
00:23:52,749 --> 00:23:54,563
It gets very ethnic around York.
605
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,317
I'm going back tonight, Mother.
606
00:23:56,342 --> 00:23:58,142
I already told you that. I have a job.
607
00:23:58,606 --> 00:24:01,130
Do you have health insurance?
Do you pay taxes?
608
00:24:01,155 --> 00:24:02,735
- No, but...
- That's not a job.
609
00:24:02,944 --> 00:24:05,665
No, it... it kind of is. I mean, you...
610
00:24:05,690 --> 00:24:07,829
No, it's not, Nick,
and neither are your stylist gigs
611
00:24:07,854 --> 00:24:10,626
or those "comedic" videos you put
on your YouTube channel.
612
00:24:10,651 --> 00:24:12,618
Being single and lonely and very alone
613
00:24:12,643 --> 00:24:14,920
and all alone has made you
very mean, Morgan.
614
00:24:15,414 --> 00:24:17,029
Guys. All right.
615
00:24:17,334 --> 00:24:19,185
I think the time has come.
616
00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:21,458
Dr. Bloom!
617
00:24:22,779 --> 00:24:25,303
Wow. "Moana." Wow.
618
00:24:25,328 --> 00:24:27,553
The water is a character.
619
00:24:28,026 --> 00:24:29,375
What is going on?
620
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:30,531
Can somebody pass the broccolini?
621
00:24:30,556 --> 00:24:32,015
Not now, Joel! Jesus.
622
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,179
DR. BLOOM: Amanda,
623
00:24:33,747 --> 00:24:36,765
everyone in this room is
here because they love you
624
00:24:36,921 --> 00:24:38,273
and they want to help you.
625
00:24:38,750 --> 00:24:40,125
With what?
626
00:24:40,787 --> 00:24:43,616
Are you familiar with
the term "intervention"?
627
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,593
Oh, my G...
628
00:24:46,314 --> 00:24:49,750
I went on one mini bender
after the BJ incident.
629
00:24:49,775 --> 00:24:51,210
I think that I'm entitled.
630
00:24:51,235 --> 00:24:53,394
God. Why does everyone
think I'm an alcoholic?
631
00:24:53,419 --> 00:24:54,804
Only Morgan thinks that.
632
00:24:54,829 --> 00:24:56,968
Everyone else thinks you've
been brainwashed by a cult.
633
00:24:56,993 --> 00:24:58,984
I'm never telling you
anything, ever again.
634
00:24:59,454 --> 00:25:03,129
Okay, but maybe we should focus
on the alcoholism thing first?
635
00:25:03,154 --> 00:25:05,275
Since it's a little weird
that that's something
636
00:25:05,300 --> 00:25:07,302
she mentioned
right off the bat, isn't it?
637
00:25:07,538 --> 00:25:08,757
I'm drinking water!
638
00:25:08,782 --> 00:25:10,347
- Anybody want a lamb chop?
- Oh, my God.
639
00:25:10,372 --> 00:25:11,803
I want to punch you in the face.
640
00:25:11,828 --> 00:25:13,191
I had a light lunch.
641
00:25:14,342 --> 00:25:16,269
Can we just get on with the intervening?
642
00:25:16,294 --> 00:25:18,402
I have to meet a friend
at the Carlyle at 10:00.
643
00:25:18,427 --> 00:25:19,668
What friend?
644
00:25:19,877 --> 00:25:21,090
I have friends.
645
00:25:21,115 --> 00:25:23,980
First off. Welcome, everyone.
646
00:25:24,005 --> 00:25:28,082
Um, what is an intervention?
647
00:25:28,933 --> 00:25:31,257
"A therapeutic intervention is an effort
648
00:25:31,282 --> 00:25:34,402
made by individuals or groups
649
00:25:34,427 --> 00:25:37,511
to improve the well-being
of someone else
650
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:40,230
who either is in need
of help but refusing it
651
00:25:40,255 --> 00:25:44,340
or is otherwise unable to
initiate or accept help."
652
00:25:45,394 --> 00:25:47,621
She's... She's not even listening.
653
00:25:48,561 --> 00:25:50,019
Do you think it's too late?
654
00:25:50,044 --> 00:25:52,089
Has she been fully brainwashed?
655
00:25:52,114 --> 00:25:55,368
Amanda, your friends and family
656
00:25:55,393 --> 00:25:57,433
have gathered here out of love.
657
00:25:58,129 --> 00:26:00,330
Please show them some respect
and turn off your phone.
658
00:26:00,355 --> 00:26:01,418
Fine.
659
00:26:02,427 --> 00:26:03,428
Will you pass me that salad?
660
00:26:03,453 --> 00:26:04,855
Dinner is over, Joel!
661
00:26:06,075 --> 00:26:07,903
Deprogramming in the living room!
662
00:26:07,928 --> 00:26:08,972
Now.
663
00:26:08,997 --> 00:26:13,131
♪♪
664
00:26:13,163 --> 00:26:14,574
- Hey.
- Hey.
665
00:26:14,599 --> 00:26:18,886
Um, so I've given this a lot of thought.
666
00:26:19,086 --> 00:26:21,088
And I prepared a speech.
667
00:26:21,113 --> 00:26:23,183
Oh. Okay.
668
00:26:24,684 --> 00:26:28,457
Lulu, I am Breeze's parent, too,
669
00:26:28,482 --> 00:26:30,597
and although I'm not the same gender,
670
00:26:30,810 --> 00:26:32,318
I can share in her milestones.
671
00:26:32,343 --> 00:26:33,431
So...
672
00:26:36,214 --> 00:26:39,402
That sounded a... Sounded
a lot longer in my head
673
00:26:39,427 --> 00:26:41,721
- when I was...
- Well, knock yourself out, babe.
674
00:26:41,746 --> 00:26:43,558
I failed miserably.
675
00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:45,519
Aw.
676
00:26:46,725 --> 00:26:47,725
What happened?
677
00:26:47,750 --> 00:26:49,183
It seemed like such a nice party.
678
00:26:50,513 --> 00:26:51,949
I made a bad call.
679
00:26:51,974 --> 00:26:53,672
So I get to be the cool parent?
680
00:26:53,697 --> 00:26:56,229
Ha-ha! Yes!
681
00:26:56,254 --> 00:26:58,527
Uh, hey. Happy womanhood.
682
00:27:04,898 --> 00:27:06,987
- A phone?
- What every 13-year-old wants,
683
00:27:07,012 --> 00:27:08,710
a distraction from
their confusing reality.
684
00:27:08,735 --> 00:27:09,808
You got her a phone?
685
00:27:09,833 --> 00:27:10,877
Uh-huh.
686
00:27:10,902 --> 00:27:13,534
Wow. This is... very cool.
687
00:27:13,559 --> 00:27:14,559
Thank you.
688
00:27:15,363 --> 00:27:17,998
No jumping up and down,
accompanied by shrill screams?
689
00:27:18,023 --> 00:27:19,229
It's not a toy one, you know?
690
00:27:19,254 --> 00:27:20,894
Yeah, yeah, I know. But...
691
00:27:21,232 --> 00:27:23,264
a phone is only fun
when you have friends
692
00:27:23,289 --> 00:27:25,279
- to talk to on it.
- You have friends.
693
00:27:25,304 --> 00:27:28,200
I have four friends, and
exactly none of them are my age.
694
00:27:28,225 --> 00:27:29,966
- [SIGHS]
- A phone is great,
695
00:27:30,010 --> 00:27:31,631
but what I really want...
696
00:27:33,014 --> 00:27:37,029
[SIGHS] is to go to middle school
like a normal kid.
697
00:27:37,054 --> 00:27:38,943
Well, that's just... It's not practical.
698
00:27:38,968 --> 00:27:40,665
Oh, really? For who? You?
699
00:27:40,690 --> 00:27:42,866
Nobody ever asked me what I want.
700
00:27:42,891 --> 00:27:45,756
And what I want is a real school.
701
00:27:45,991 --> 00:27:48,521
I'm too old to be homeschooled.
702
00:27:49,856 --> 00:27:51,467
Is public school still free?
703
00:27:51,771 --> 00:27:53,555
'Cause that thing cost like 200 bucks.
704
00:27:53,580 --> 00:27:54,740
So sounds like a deal to me.
705
00:27:54,765 --> 00:27:58,056
Oh, a deal with the fascist institution
706
00:27:58,081 --> 00:28:00,443
that is American public
education right now?
707
00:28:01,344 --> 00:28:03,889
I mean, it's study to
the test. Study to the test.
708
00:28:03,914 --> 00:28:05,600
I don't think so.
709
00:28:05,625 --> 00:28:06,998
- You're the fascists!
- [GASPS]
710
00:28:07,023 --> 00:28:09,576
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
711
00:28:10,266 --> 00:28:11,982
Let's all take a deep breath
712
00:28:12,464 --> 00:28:15,203
and count back to
democratic ideals, huh?
713
00:28:15,630 --> 00:28:18,773
Now, your mom and I have
heard what you've had to say
714
00:28:18,798 --> 00:28:20,930
and we'll discuss.
715
00:28:20,955 --> 00:28:22,744
- There's nothing to discuss.
- [GRUNTS]
716
00:28:24,630 --> 00:28:25,853
No fascists here, right?
717
00:28:26,515 --> 00:28:27,907
Right.
718
00:28:31,607 --> 00:28:32,814
Ooh.
719
00:28:36,642 --> 00:28:38,142
What happened to Master Zen?
720
00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:40,916
[SIGHS]
721
00:28:41,667 --> 00:28:44,104
If I sent you a cryptic message
saying, "Save me,"
722
00:28:44,129 --> 00:28:45,611
you wouldn't at least look into it?
723
00:28:45,636 --> 00:28:47,914
Yes, but you're not
a high-maintenance socialite
724
00:28:47,939 --> 00:28:48,958
prone to hysterics.
725
00:28:48,983 --> 00:28:50,439
Don't ignore the signs, man.
726
00:28:50,579 --> 00:28:52,705
I had a friend who kept
saying his parents wanted
727
00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:54,994
to send him away, and then they did.
728
00:28:55,019 --> 00:28:56,332
They nabbed him in
the middle of the night,
729
00:28:56,357 --> 00:28:57,611
totally against his will.
730
00:28:57,636 --> 00:28:59,727
Well, her family is trying
to intervention her
731
00:28:59,752 --> 00:29:00,883
away from the faire.
732
00:29:00,908 --> 00:29:02,127
How far can they get with that?
733
00:29:02,152 --> 00:29:04,514
There's a reason why the rehab industry
734
00:29:04,539 --> 00:29:05,892
has become a big business.
735
00:29:05,917 --> 00:29:07,483
Lack of government oversight?
736
00:29:07,508 --> 00:29:09,911
Because they kidnap
most of their patients.
737
00:29:09,936 --> 00:29:11,853
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well, she's an adult.
738
00:29:11,878 --> 00:29:13,750
I'd like to see them try
to steal her away.
739
00:29:13,775 --> 00:29:15,439
You were the last one to hear from her.
740
00:29:15,611 --> 00:29:18,091
- Meaning...?
- Meaning it'll be all on you.
741
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,736
Okay, yeah, fair point.
742
00:29:28,002 --> 00:29:29,922
I borrowed your truck for a beer run.
743
00:29:29,947 --> 00:29:32,166
- Just make me a promise.
- Absolutely not.
744
00:29:32,191 --> 00:29:33,955
- Find these ribs a home.
- [SCOFFS]
745
00:29:34,329 --> 00:29:37,033
The murder of this pig
will not stain my soul.
746
00:29:37,058 --> 00:29:40,353
If that brave animal's sacrifice
goes to waste, it's on you.
747
00:29:41,197 --> 00:29:42,764
I've seen some nutty stuff,
748
00:29:42,789 --> 00:29:45,686
but a funeral for your lady parts?
749
00:29:45,711 --> 00:29:46,822
That was new.
750
00:29:47,271 --> 00:29:50,294
Last year, she made me howl
with her the full moon.
751
00:29:51,952 --> 00:29:53,208
You're a good friend.
752
00:29:54,197 --> 00:29:58,028
She's a good friend, too.
She just... forgets.
753
00:29:58,650 --> 00:30:01,380
And you remind her instead
of leaving her to howl alone.
754
00:30:01,958 --> 00:30:03,895
That's what makes you
one of the good guys.
755
00:30:05,894 --> 00:30:07,669
I'm sorry our plans didn't work out.
756
00:30:07,694 --> 00:30:10,301
No regrets. We're here now!
757
00:30:10,645 --> 00:30:13,866
All's well, et cetera.
758
00:30:15,309 --> 00:30:16,394
Ah.
759
00:30:18,348 --> 00:30:22,486
♪♪
760
00:30:22,530 --> 00:30:24,793
[HOWLS]
761
00:30:24,818 --> 00:30:26,176
[LAUGHS]
762
00:30:26,201 --> 00:30:28,942
[HOWLS]
763
00:30:31,324 --> 00:30:33,708
AMANDA: As I said before,
it's not a cult.
764
00:30:33,733 --> 00:30:36,214
It's a community that values acceptance
765
00:30:36,239 --> 00:30:38,200
and... and... And love and...
766
00:30:38,225 --> 00:30:40,169
Are you hearing this? Cult speak.
767
00:30:40,689 --> 00:30:42,559
LEXI: Are we completely
off the alcoholic thing,
768
00:30:42,584 --> 00:30:44,309
'cause a drink would be
really nice right now,
769
00:30:44,334 --> 00:30:45,770
but I don't want to be insensitive.
770
00:30:45,909 --> 00:30:48,536
DR. BLOOM: Amanda,
tell us more about this "community."
771
00:30:48,561 --> 00:30:50,387
Morgan said all the women wear corsets
772
00:30:50,412 --> 00:30:52,684
and display their sweaty
cleavage for the men.
773
00:30:52,709 --> 00:30:54,348
Oh, yeah. They're basically sex slaves.
774
00:30:54,682 --> 00:30:56,286
I thought the wench auction was cute.
775
00:30:56,311 --> 00:30:58,348
What the hell is a wench auction?
776
00:30:58,373 --> 00:30:59,760
- It's hard to explain.
- Please try.
777
00:30:59,785 --> 00:31:01,161
My life is very dull.
778
00:31:01,374 --> 00:31:04,137
Okay. So, I want to thank you
all for caring so much.
779
00:31:04,162 --> 00:31:05,417
I know it comes from a place of love.
780
00:31:05,442 --> 00:31:07,629
But I have to go now.
I will see you all very soon.
781
00:31:07,654 --> 00:31:09,770
Mandy, listen to me...
782
00:31:09,795 --> 00:31:11,035
I've been listening.
783
00:31:11,060 --> 00:31:12,449
And I'm done listening.
784
00:31:12,474 --> 00:31:14,252
I've listened to all of you, okay?
785
00:31:14,277 --> 00:31:15,297
It's my life.
786
00:31:15,322 --> 00:31:17,215
Your life? Your life?
787
00:31:17,549 --> 00:31:18,550
Really?
788
00:31:18,575 --> 00:31:20,621
You're so independent?
789
00:31:20,893 --> 00:31:22,902
Who paid for four years at Vassar,
790
00:31:23,201 --> 00:31:25,829
and funded you while
you tried to "write"?
791
00:31:25,854 --> 00:31:28,160
- [SCOFFS]
- And shelled out a fortune
792
00:31:28,597 --> 00:31:31,754
for a gorgeous wedding
that you ran out on?
793
00:31:32,508 --> 00:31:34,496
You've had your little
nervous breakdown, dear.
794
00:31:34,521 --> 00:31:36,684
It's time to come home.
795
00:31:37,195 --> 00:31:40,160
Besides, you're not built
for a sex cult.
796
00:31:40,668 --> 00:31:42,402
Not with your short cervix.
797
00:31:42,427 --> 00:31:43,994
I have the short cervix, Mom.
798
00:31:44,019 --> 00:31:45,426
She has the fatty lipomas.
799
00:31:45,451 --> 00:31:47,801
- [SCOFFS] Whatever.
- It's not a sex cult!
800
00:31:47,826 --> 00:31:49,934
I live there, and I'm happy there.
801
00:31:49,959 --> 00:31:52,073
Why is that so hard
for you to understand?!
802
00:31:52,098 --> 00:31:54,506
Because it's not who you are!
803
00:31:55,674 --> 00:31:57,589
Since when has a nice Jewish girl
804
00:31:57,614 --> 00:32:00,764
found happiness this far
away from Henri Bendel's?
805
00:32:00,789 --> 00:32:03,258
You really pulled out all
the stops, didn't you, Mom?
806
00:32:03,283 --> 00:32:04,881
And I keep falling for it.
807
00:32:04,990 --> 00:32:08,167
Massages and lattes a-a-and Brett?
808
00:32:08,391 --> 00:32:09,917
God, why do I keep getting
sucked back in
809
00:32:09,942 --> 00:32:11,690
to your constant manipulation?
810
00:32:11,715 --> 00:32:13,238
DR. BLOOM: Oh, a lot of it's cultural.
811
00:32:13,263 --> 00:32:15,353
Many of my Jewish clients
feel manipulated
812
00:32:15,378 --> 00:32:16,479
- by their parents.
- Oh, shut up!
813
00:32:16,504 --> 00:32:18,964
I have finally found a
place where I feel good.
814
00:32:18,989 --> 00:32:20,253
And I'm gonna stay there for as long
815
00:32:20,278 --> 00:32:21,636
as I keep feeling that way.
816
00:32:21,661 --> 00:32:23,365
And I can only hope that
each and every one of you
817
00:32:23,390 --> 00:32:24,870
find a place like that for yourselves.
818
00:32:24,895 --> 00:32:28,544
It's not normal, Amanda.
Can you not see that?
819
00:32:28,569 --> 00:32:29,620
No.
820
00:32:29,813 --> 00:32:31,329
I mean, fine, it's not a sex cult
821
00:32:31,354 --> 00:32:32,921
and fine, you're finding yourself
822
00:32:32,946 --> 00:32:34,587
happily distracted for a bit,
823
00:32:34,612 --> 00:32:36,378
but you can't stay there forever.
824
00:32:36,403 --> 00:32:39,142
- Why not?
- Come on. Be serious.
825
00:32:39,167 --> 00:32:40,189
That's your future?
826
00:32:40,214 --> 00:32:41,606
What's the big dream there?
827
00:32:41,631 --> 00:32:43,459
You become part of the monarchy?
828
00:32:43,484 --> 00:32:45,753
- Ooh.
- You're as pretty as Meghan Markle.
829
00:32:45,778 --> 00:32:47,955
There are plenty of ways
to grow there. Hmm?
830
00:32:47,980 --> 00:32:49,416
And build... stuff.
831
00:32:49,459 --> 00:32:50,573
Like what?
832
00:32:50,791 --> 00:32:52,689
Opportunities are everywhere there.
833
00:32:52,714 --> 00:32:55,266
- For real?
- Yes, Nick, you should get on it,
834
00:32:55,291 --> 00:32:58,025
because it's seriously like a second
before it comes mainstream.
835
00:32:58,050 --> 00:33:01,095
It is gonna be the Renaissance
of the Renaissance Festival,
836
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,697
and I am gonna be a part of it.
837
00:33:05,039 --> 00:33:06,633
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
838
00:33:07,119 --> 00:33:11,021
Mandy, you'll... you'll...
You'll come back
839
00:33:11,046 --> 00:33:12,494
for the high holidays, right?
840
00:33:13,179 --> 00:33:15,447
Probably. Yes.
841
00:33:19,145 --> 00:33:20,337
I'll send you my bill.
842
00:33:23,392 --> 00:33:26,465
Mama, do you wish I was a girl?
843
00:33:28,318 --> 00:33:32,061
Are you asking me because
you wish you were a girl?
844
00:33:32,351 --> 00:33:34,212
No. I like being a boy.
845
00:33:36,115 --> 00:33:37,666
This is about the party, isn't it?
846
00:33:38,722 --> 00:33:40,681
Will I get a period party?
847
00:33:41,007 --> 00:33:45,247
No, sweetie. Because
boys don't get periods.
848
00:33:45,829 --> 00:33:47,797
But someday, you're gonna wake up
849
00:33:47,822 --> 00:33:49,650
from a very special dream
850
00:33:49,675 --> 00:33:51,329
and we're gonna have
an even bigger party.
851
00:33:51,354 --> 00:33:52,387
Okay?
852
00:33:52,527 --> 00:33:53,615
Okay.
853
00:33:54,932 --> 00:33:56,368
Mmm!
854
00:33:56,393 --> 00:33:57,840
Mwah, mwah, mwah!
855
00:33:58,398 --> 00:34:00,878
Ooh! Diggin' the tie.
856
00:34:00,922 --> 00:34:02,114
Very fancy.
857
00:34:02,588 --> 00:34:05,423
Oh! I'm supposed to bring
you to the kitchen.
858
00:34:05,448 --> 00:34:06,884
Okay.
859
00:34:06,909 --> 00:34:09,781
♪♪
860
00:34:10,021 --> 00:34:11,240
Okay, straight?
861
00:34:12,089 --> 00:34:13,089
Okay.
862
00:34:13,497 --> 00:34:14,810
Where am I going, honey?
863
00:34:14,835 --> 00:34:16,733
- Straight.
- Okay.
864
00:34:21,591 --> 00:34:23,423
ALL: Surprise!
865
00:34:23,448 --> 00:34:25,529
CALLIE: It's your period party, Delilah.
866
00:34:25,777 --> 00:34:28,076
And I really am having my period.
867
00:34:28,101 --> 00:34:30,144
- [LAUGHTER]
- Amazing.
868
00:34:30,169 --> 00:34:32,591
Happy womanhood, my lovely friend.
869
00:34:32,616 --> 00:34:34,724
I'm fine, honey.
870
00:34:35,130 --> 00:34:36,523
It's just hormones.
871
00:34:36,548 --> 00:34:38,318
I know. I know.
872
00:34:38,343 --> 00:34:41,263
♪♪
873
00:34:41,969 --> 00:34:43,693
Godspeed, pig.
874
00:34:43,935 --> 00:34:46,334
Now go forth and nourish.
875
00:34:46,359 --> 00:34:47,795
[OINKS]
876
00:34:47,820 --> 00:34:49,083
These look bitchin'.
877
00:34:49,108 --> 00:34:51,241
I haven't seen this much female anatomy
878
00:34:51,266 --> 00:34:53,685
since my parents sent me
to conversion camp.
879
00:34:53,717 --> 00:34:55,066
JUAN ANDRÉS: It's like
an off-Broadway production
880
00:34:55,091 --> 00:34:56,369
of the "Jack the Ripper" musical.
881
00:34:56,394 --> 00:34:57,451
[SHUDDERS]
882
00:34:57,753 --> 00:34:58,972
Back to my tent?
883
00:34:58,997 --> 00:35:00,005
Yep.
884
00:35:01,169 --> 00:35:05,682
♪♪
885
00:35:10,921 --> 00:35:12,666
So what happened after I left?
886
00:35:13,965 --> 00:35:15,408
I told her we'd go and
look at middle school.
887
00:35:16,076 --> 00:35:17,268
Just look.
888
00:35:17,945 --> 00:35:18,971
That's fine.
889
00:35:19,852 --> 00:35:23,110
Fine like fine? Or fine like fine.
890
00:35:23,135 --> 00:35:24,396
Really fine.
891
00:35:26,533 --> 00:35:28,491
I'm still not sure.
Can we use a different word?
892
00:35:28,516 --> 00:35:30,529
I'm willing to go look at middle school.
893
00:35:31,115 --> 00:35:33,076
But if I hear them say the word
"standardized,"
894
00:35:33,101 --> 00:35:34,200
we're out of there.
895
00:35:35,514 --> 00:35:36,927
She kept the phone?
896
00:35:37,245 --> 00:35:39,987
It's okay, I set up
all the parental controls.
897
00:35:41,125 --> 00:35:42,518
After she showed me how.
898
00:35:42,543 --> 00:35:43,721
Hey.
899
00:35:44,765 --> 00:35:45,854
I...
900
00:35:46,626 --> 00:35:47,626
Ah.
901
00:35:48,149 --> 00:35:49,890
I cannot thank you guys enough.
902
00:35:52,512 --> 00:35:54,096
Especially you, Lulu.
903
00:35:56,260 --> 00:35:58,959
- It's piñata time.
- Oh! Let me at it.
904
00:35:58,984 --> 00:36:01,049
What gross thing is
in that piñata anyway?
905
00:36:01,192 --> 00:36:02,604
Menstrual cups?
906
00:36:03,777 --> 00:36:05,039
Whoo!
907
00:36:05,064 --> 00:36:09,068
[CHEERING]
908
00:36:09,093 --> 00:36:11,596
Chocolate. You get
a free pass once a month.
909
00:36:11,621 --> 00:36:13,362
It's the upside. Go get some.
910
00:36:16,318 --> 00:36:17,432
AMANDA: Thank you.
911
00:36:23,630 --> 00:36:27,908
♪♪
912
00:36:44,890 --> 00:36:46,063
Whoa.
913
00:36:48,364 --> 00:36:49,447
What?
914
00:36:49,472 --> 00:36:50,877
Coming where?
915
00:36:51,568 --> 00:36:53,494
What's with all the happy noise?
916
00:36:53,851 --> 00:36:55,505
Breeze got her first period.
917
00:36:55,530 --> 00:36:57,260
So they're throwing a party for Delilah.
918
00:36:57,383 --> 00:36:59,674
Ugh. Thank God that's all behind me.
919
00:37:00,014 --> 00:37:02,369
Ugh! What a nightmare.
920
00:37:02,969 --> 00:37:04,221
I think it's kind of beautiful.
921
00:37:04,246 --> 00:37:07,080
Well, of course you do. [LAUGHS]
922
00:37:07,958 --> 00:37:11,871
Hey. Want to howl at
the moon with me?
923
00:37:12,003 --> 00:37:15,645
I feel like that's a cultural
appropriation of wolves.
924
00:37:15,670 --> 00:37:17,311
Afraid I have to pass.
925
00:37:17,336 --> 00:37:18,848
[GROANS] Oh, my God.
926
00:37:23,037 --> 00:37:24,723
Ugh! This Wi-Fi sucks.
927
00:37:24,748 --> 00:37:27,059
I gotta post a video
of that giant vagina
928
00:37:27,084 --> 00:37:28,477
getting beaten to death.
929
00:37:28,502 --> 00:37:29,762
I feel like that's wrong.
930
00:37:29,787 --> 00:37:32,152
So wrong! That's why it's hilarious.
931
00:37:32,177 --> 00:37:33,629
And goodnight.
932
00:37:34,606 --> 00:37:35,864
Oh. Hi, Miss Maggie.
933
00:37:35,889 --> 00:37:39,770
[SCOFFS] Miss. Mizz.
Mizz Maggie. Spinster.
934
00:37:39,988 --> 00:37:41,129
You know what that means?
935
00:37:41,154 --> 00:37:43,591
It sounds cool.
Like a deejay or something?
936
00:37:43,919 --> 00:37:45,723
It does sound cool, doesn't it?
937
00:37:46,408 --> 00:37:48,149
I'm a spinster.
938
00:37:48,174 --> 00:37:49,192
Cool.
939
00:37:51,889 --> 00:37:54,074
Don't focus on
the bleeding and the pain.
940
00:37:54,479 --> 00:37:57,848
There's beauty in this
thing called womanhood.
941
00:37:57,873 --> 00:37:59,048
A lot of beauty.
942
00:37:59,073 --> 00:38:00,354
Plus I got a phone.
943
00:38:00,379 --> 00:38:01,684
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
944
00:38:01,709 --> 00:38:02,791
It just went through!
945
00:38:02,816 --> 00:38:03,965
Ooh.
946
00:38:04,209 --> 00:38:05,576
And I got my first "like."
947
00:38:05,601 --> 00:38:07,043
Huzzah.
948
00:38:08,870 --> 00:38:11,495
"I count myself in
nothing else so happy,
949
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:14,437
as in a soul remembering
my good friends."
950
00:38:15,902 --> 00:38:16,902
Okay.
951
00:38:21,269 --> 00:38:22,270
[DOOR CLOSES]
952
00:38:36,589 --> 00:38:37,589
BRIAN: Hello?
953
00:38:37,614 --> 00:38:40,601
♪♪
954
00:38:43,869 --> 00:38:44,869
Hello?
955
00:39:04,334 --> 00:39:05,421
JUAN ANDRÉS: Brian?
956
00:39:05,821 --> 00:39:07,312
Comin' back?
957
00:39:08,547 --> 00:39:09,704
Yes.
958
00:39:12,178 --> 00:39:15,454
Hey, you wanna watch some
more Kurosawa tonight?
959
00:39:17,207 --> 00:39:18,688
She's gone...
960
00:39:19,884 --> 00:39:21,095
to live...
961
00:39:22,346 --> 00:39:23,743
with your kind.
962
00:39:25,699 --> 00:39:27,024
At least for now.
963
00:39:27,049 --> 00:39:29,345
She claims to be happy.
964
00:39:31,296 --> 00:39:33,024
Does she seem happy to you?
965
00:39:33,552 --> 00:39:35,540
Yeah. She does.
966
00:39:39,282 --> 00:39:40,282
Okay.
967
00:39:40,681 --> 00:39:44,454
Well, I guess that's a good thing.
968
00:39:45,701 --> 00:39:47,368
I'm gonna go to bed now.
969
00:39:47,514 --> 00:39:50,001
Um... it was a very long train trip.
970
00:39:50,026 --> 00:39:51,811
Would it be okay if
I used your bathroom?
971
00:39:51,836 --> 00:39:53,626
Do whatever you like.
972
00:39:58,289 --> 00:40:01,587
♪♪
973
00:40:03,637 --> 00:40:04,637
Ooh.
974
00:40:05,353 --> 00:40:08,659
♪ You look so good, good, good ♪
975
00:40:09,367 --> 00:40:11,976
♪ When you do that swing thing ♪
976
00:40:13,043 --> 00:40:16,346
♪ Lookin' so good, good, good ♪
977
00:40:17,094 --> 00:40:19,377
♪ Swing your thing ♪
978
00:40:19,697 --> 00:40:21,046
♪ Swing it ♪
979
00:40:21,674 --> 00:40:26,432
♪♪
980
00:40:29,092 --> 00:40:30,224
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
981
00:40:36,135 --> 00:40:39,401
♪ You look so good, good, good ♪
982
00:40:39,896 --> 00:40:42,721
♪ When you do that swing thing ♪
983
00:40:43,804 --> 00:40:46,501
♪ You look so good, good, good ♪
984
00:40:46,526 --> 00:40:48,438
♪ Swing it, swing it, swing that thing ♪
985
00:40:48,463 --> 00:40:50,393
♪ Swing thing, swing that thing ♪
986
00:40:50,418 --> 00:40:51,735
♪ Swing it, swing it, swing that thing ♪
987
00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:54,206
♪ You look so good, good, good ♪
988
00:40:54,231 --> 00:40:55,746
♪ Swing it, swing it, swing that thing ♪
989
00:40:55,771 --> 00:40:57,151
♪ Swing your thing ♪
990
00:40:59,215 --> 00:41:01,361
♪ You look so good, good, good ♪
991
00:41:01,386 --> 00:41:02,698
[LAUGHS]
992
00:41:03,827 --> 00:41:06,206
No F-ing way!
993
00:41:06,657 --> 00:41:10,057
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
68802
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