All language subtitles for American Dad s15e14_English

It's official.

I closed escrow on my house
in Maine.

-Alright, Roger!
-Alright, alright, alright!

Whoo!

Yeah, Stan, yeah.

Thanks, Roger,but I was dancing for me.

My friend Skip Yates died.

You're dancing
'cause your friend died?

Well, he was a memberof my ham club.

I'll now explain
what that is.

For those who already know,

I authorize you
to leave the room.

[ Clattering,
running footsteps ]

The Tappahonnock
Ham Society

is a brotherhoodof Southern gentlemen

who carry out the great
Virginian tradition

of curing
and aging hams.

Ham the meat?
The same.

That's cool.

Very.

And the only wayto rise up the ranks

in ham club
is if someone dies.

So Skip's death isfriggin' huge for me.

And why?

I'll get slightly
better ham now.

Thanks, Skippy.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Do you have --A governing body
in ham club?

Excellent question.

We have a president,VP, treasurer,

and, best job of all,carver.

And that position is open,thanks to the big-rig tire

that jumped through
Skip's windshield.

I was gonna ask you if hadany idea where the bathroom was.

The bathroom
at ham club?

It's an 18th-centuryouthouse.

Pretty cool.

That is pretty cool.

...With a red-eye gravy

sandwiched between
a fresh buttermilk biscuit.

Mmm.
Ham, you mean.

Well,
I think I'll turn in.

Can I get you two some coffee --to go?

No, Carol.
Thank you.

You can put the coffee
in proper mugs.

We're gonna
stay a while.

Stan, I knowthis might sound crazy,

but I feel likeyour friend died for a reason --

to open up a slot
for me in ham club.

You in ham club?

I don't think so.

Why not?You're not a good fit.

By that, I just mean I don't
think anyone would like you.

Also, you have a tendency
to ruin all my things.

I ruin
everyone's things.

That's mything,and now you've ruined it.

[ Crying ]

Good morning, U.S.A.

I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face

And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

Good -- Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

Good morning, U.S.A.

Roger wants to
join ham club.

Roger?
No.

Ham club has standards,
Stan.

I tried to tell him that,but he gets so emotional.

He's carrying aroundhis vial of hemlock again.

Does Roger even have
a relationship with ham?

None.

So get him an interview.

Let his lack of ham knowledge
do the rest.

That's genius.

I'm a friend.

I throw his hat
in the ring.

But you coach him so he doesn't
jeopardize your reputation

with any of his typical
Roger antics.

I thread the needle.

There's nothing easier.

I know I don'tsay it enough, Klaus,

but you're a hell
of a valet.

Don't mention it, Stan.

The way you shit on me
in front of everyone

and pretend we don't have
this special connection

is thank you enough.

Oh, my God.
Tuttle?

He is such
a scaredy-cat.

Yeah, I've seen him scared
tons of times.

I've seen Jeff scared.

Oh, yeah, I've seen, like,
20 Jeffs scared.

Spell it with a "G," a "J,"if your name's Jeff,

you're scared,
and I've seen it.

Check it.
I'm gonna flip it on you.

Who have you never
seen scared?

Great cue.

You know, I've --
I've never seen Greg scared.

That's true.
Weird.

Pfft, Greg.

Greg the egg.

I could scare him.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.
How would you do it?

Easy.Come at him with an ax.

[ Roger sobbing ]

[ Crying ]

Wow, Roger,
this place looks great.

I'll drink it, Stan.I will.

I got you an interview
with my ham club.

Oh, thank you, Stan.

I'm so friggin' amped.

[ Grunts ]

About that.

Sometimes you can be
a little big.

I'll wear my girdle.I mean
your personality.

My personality?

It's just
you can be flamboyant,

and these guys
are fancy.

You put those polar opposites
together,

and things could get --Flambancy?

Exactly.

So should I
not be myself?

Yes.
Thanks for making this easy.

So how should I act?

Buttoned-up, humble,
all about ham.

What were you thinking
of wearing?

Two hooks for my hands,two hooks for my feet.

Hello, Roger.

I'm Ignatius Calhoun,

22nd President of
the Tappahonnock Ham Society,

and on behalf of the membership,thank you for chatting with us

about a subject
we hold most dear.

I speak,
of course, of ham.

[ Chuckles ]
Of course.

I know you're a friend
of Brother Stan,

so I'll get to the meat
of the matter.

Do you like ham?

Roger?
Your thoughts on ham?

Yes, yes.

Bottom line, there's not a thingin all God's creation

I love more than
the taste of clam.

Uh, sorry.What I'm trying to say is that,

more than anything in the world,I want in your clam club.

Sugar.

Obviously, you get I'm tryingto say "clam," not "clam."

Motherfu--

Thanks so much.

Pleasure.

Excuse my handshake.

It's not an accuratereflection of who I am.

He's a really nice guy,
but --

Not a Tappahonnock man.I get it.

I'll let him down easy.

That wasn't so bad.

[ Engine starts ]

Whatever happens now
is out of my control.

[ Sighs ]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Ain't happening, Jack.

Now,with status quo secure,

shall we get downto the matter at ham?

More like
matter at ham.

[ Laughter ]That -- that was --

That was my joke.

What the hell
is going on?

Oh, shit.

Come on, babe, why don't
we paint the town?

And all that ham

I'm gonna rouge my knees
and roll my stockings down

And all that ham

Start the car,
I know a whoopee spot

Where the ham is cold,
but some of it's also hot

It's just a noisy hall
where there's a nightly brawl

And all that jazz ham

[ Song ends ]

[ Stan grunts ]So, do you think
it went well?

I just slammed you
against a wall.

Yeah, but sometimes people
do that before hardcore sex.

Are we --You made a fool of me.

I never should've
vouched for you.

You owe us an apology,Smith.

Where you been hiding
this guy?

Roger, we'd be honored

if you'd jointhe Tappahonnock Ham Society.

What?
What?
Oh, my God.

I was so worried
you wouldn't let me in

after I did the splits and that
feather went up my butt,

but maybe
you didn't notice.

Ignatius:
Heavenly Father, we thank You
for providing this ham.

This ham is a good ham,

and it is the work
of Your hands.

May this ham bless our bodies

and give us the strength
to endure the day.

Amen.

Nice [bleep] prayer,man.

Are you nuts?

It's your first day.Stay in your lane.

Geez. Got it.
Sorry.

Hey, check it out.
Meat curtains.

[ Laughter ]

This guy's
a live wire.

Look at me.I'm somebody's wife.

Mr. Brave, huh?

That's what you're
calling yourself?

'Cause that's a bunch of crap,
if you ask me.

Hi, Francine.

Hi?

Let's see who's saying hi
when I change your world.

What you doing
with the ax?

This is what I'm doing
with the ax, Greg!

-Mmm.
-Good gracious.

I propose we move on
to discussing glazes.

Now, I've been contemplating
dried honeysuckle.

Ugh,
again with the ham?

Don't you guys ever do
anything else?

This is a ham club.

And I love ham.

Top 10 meat,
no question.

But there's more
to life.

Like what?I don't know.

Anyone heard of
Six Flags?

-Well, that sounds good.
-What about ham?

Arturo's smiling.

What do you say, Iggy?Day at the park?

You're a prime candidate

for Yosemite Sam'sHollywood Flight School.

Let's get in the car!

-Alright, alright, alright.
-I say, whoo-hoo!

I hope my face shows how mad
I am emotionally.

Man: Stop the coaster!
Something's wrong!

Stupid Roger.

Stan,
where the heck were you

during the "Looney Tunes"
meet and greet?

Arturo high-fived
Speedy Gonzales.

Congratulations,
Roger.

Once again,you've ruined something I love.

Arturo, why don't you run along
and buy some churros --

and a basketball jersey.

I feel overdressed.

Probably a long shot
they sell them here,

but everyone's wearing one,
so maybe.

The club was perfect,but you just had to change it.

You couldn't
stay in your lane.

Lane, schmane.

Just take ham.What ham?

Any ham.
All the ham.

Whatever "ham" you want in life,just take it.

See this?
It's Arturo's two-year ham.

How'd you get that?

Only cabinet membersget the prestige ham.

I took it.
Did it in front of him, too.

He didn't say shit.
Here.

Arturo, Stan ganked a piece
of your two-year.

[ Gasps ]

See? You just took ham,and there were no repercussions.

Whoa.

Now picture "taking ham"
in the biggest way possible.

Doesn't have to be
ham-related.

What do you want
most in life?

I want to be
the new ham carver.

Yes. It didn't have to be
ham-related,

but I'm glad it was.

It's settled.
You're gonna be carver.

But how?

Put on a fresh pot,
Carol.

We're writing
a candidacy poem.

A what?Yeah,
I need clarification, too.

Stan, it's a poem to announce,
with authority,

you're the man
to carve the ham.

Oh, we're already rhyming.

Oh, my God, Carol. Why aren't
you writing this down?

Ham, pam, ram,
bam, blam, shlam.

Shlam!Shlam!

I like to eat my ham.

It makes me feel
like shmam.

Hey, another rhyme.I brought cookies.

Not now, Carol.We're finally onto something.

I have nothing.
I'm a fraud.

All I can hear is the tickingof this tiny clock.

[ Clock crashes ]

[ Both munching ]

I was probably
too harsh on Carol.

This cookie was just the sparkI needed.

She should've knocked.Right?

Well, we did it.

I think
it's pretty good, too.

So, how long
you been writing poems?

Oh, God, all my life.

Kind of what I thought I'd be,a poem-writing guy.

"I like to eat my ham.

It makes me
feel like shmam.

Have you seen the movie
'Kazaam'?

But back to ham.

Did you know that an imam

is a man who leads prayers
in a mosque?

What if you pronounced
imam "i-mam"?

W-would that make you think
of ham?

My name is Stan.

Ham."

Roger: Ne-e-xt.

[ Laughter ]

What kind of dillbag
writes a poem?

The poem sucked.

I dare say, Roger, you should bethe new ham carver.

Me?
Okay, I'll do it.

-Whoo-hoo!
-My man!

I wrote the poem,
by the way.

We loved the poem.

Hey, bud,
great meeting tonight.

You sabotaged me.

Well, yeah, Stan.

You didn't want me
in your ham club.

That really
hurt my feelings.

I didn't want you in my ham clubbecause you do things like this.

Eh, feels like we got a "chickenor the egg" situation here.

Besides, we bust balls
in this club.

You got to come right back
at me, dude.

Arturo actually brought that up.He's been clocking it.

He's actually a pretty funny guyif you can get him

talking about something
other than...

dinosaurs.

Oh, God, how I want my first hamfor the club

to be absolute perfection.

The boys will accept
only the best,

and yet mine looks nothing
like this good ham.

Oh, bother.

Maybe I should step away
and rest my fevered mind

and returneth anew in
the freshness of the morn.

But shall I secure
my precious ham?

Nay.

Let it lieth here
under the eyes of angels.

For now, I seeketh repose
in my chambers,

to drift dreamward
while hardcore porn blasts

on my Samsung Galaxy 9+.

Let's see how much
your butt buddy

Arturo loves you after
he pukes his guts out.

Roger: Oh, this gentleman
doth be nice and veiny.

My little birds tell me
you skipped

Tappahonnock
last night.

It's not like you
to miss a carve, Stan.

But it is like me
to not eat poison.

Tee-hee-hee-hee,
hee-hee-hee-hee.

You were right, Stan.
I should've stayed in my lane.

Oh, was your ham not a completeand total success?

[ All groaning ]

Oh, my God, these menare far sicker

than medium-strengthfood-poisoning sick.

That's a strange way
to put it.

Uh, uh, but would you agree?Look at them.

They're at death's door.Stay calm.

I'll load them into a U-Haul
and drive them into the ocean.

Just wait.I already rented
the U-Haul, Stan.

It's done.
Slow down.

We could drop them
at a hospital?

A hospital.

Those nosy nurses will trackthis right back to me --

I mean us --
I mean you.

We need to bring the mensomewhere quiet, secluded,

where we can nurse themback to health.

My house in Maine.
It's super secluded.

And the Maine breezes, Stan,
oh, my God, they're curative.

Okay, Maine.

Maine?
Maine.

Maine!Maine!

Those bones look broken.

I suggest you get to Maine
immediately.

Eh, there's only so much
Maine can do.

Mom, you're awake.
You've been in a coma.

What?

You got hit by a truck
charging across the street

to scare Greg.

Greg![ Horn honks, tires screech ]

Look out!

So, why are you in the hospital,Hayley?

Are you sick, too?

No,
I'm visiting you.

Ah.

Francine,
thank God you're okay.

But I didn't
scare you.

What?
We didn't think you'd make it.

You scared me
terribly.

Yeah, I did,
you little bitch.

High five, Hayley.

Let's do the other one.Absolutely not.

Get it.

Aah! Nurse!

Now, I know sleepingin a new bed can be scary,

but just lie backand let Maine do its work.

Good night,
you princes of ham,

you kings of...

ham.

What are you doing?
I was in there.

You were?
Stan, those men are quite sick.

They're not
your playthings.

Better make sure
you didn't bother them.

Roger: Here comes
the tickle monster.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Ah, first cup of the day.

Second cup of the day.

Third cup of the day.

Ah.

Now to cure the men.

What a mess.

Feel that Maine breeze,
men.

It'll cure you.

Sponge baths will also
cure you, Arturo.

Oh, I forgot my soothing
eucalyptus spray.

Wait.
Did I even pack that?

Why am I running?

Little more
breeze time.

Arturo, wake up.

Chloe Sevigny's sucking
Vincent Gallo's di--

[ All groaning ]

We should've done this
a long time ago, Stan.

The men are really responding
to the ocean.

Stan, have you notice how I holdmy hot drinks in Maine --

with two hands?
I think you should try it.

The men aren't getting better,Roger.

Stan!
Arturo escaped!

He can't have gone far.

Grab a few Uzis,
and we'll fan out in the woods.

God, I should never havelet you in this club.

Then you couldn't have clownedme so hard after I read my poem,

I wouldn't have gotten madand poisoned your --

Poisoned my what?

Your ham.I poisoned your ham.

Son of a bitch.
You know what you did?

You took ham.
What?

Poisoning ham is the ultimate
example of taking ham.

So you're not mad?Mad?

I'm proud of you,
man.

[ Arturo groans, farts ]

Arturo, what the heck are youdoing under there, you silly?

[ Arturo groans ]

Wait.
Did you hear that?

What?
He's trying to say,
"Ha-a-a-m."

I'm not sure.
Of course
you're not sure.

We don't know what we're doing.But they know.

Their bodies want ham.

We need to
make a ham so good

it'll restore
their will to live.

A redemption ham.Redemption ham.

This ham's nice.

Ooh, but this is also
a nice ham.

And get a load of this ham,
Stan.

That's the ham.

Should we also get somepumpkin butter while we're here?

I thinkwe have enough on our --

Stan, we need to focus.
We have enough on our plate.

Hands are full, Stan.

Just buy
the pumpkin butter.

Two big ones.

It seems you've rediscoveredyour passion

for curing
and aging hams.

[ Men farting ]

It stinks in here,
right?

Should I
crack a window?

I'm worried
about the ham.

It's not enough.
Cut it down, Stan.

Run.
Run from the farts.

It'll get in the ham.

For those of you who
participated in the farting,

I hope you had a good laugh,
but I've got a joke for you.

Knock knock.

Who's there?
Not a ham to look at.

Oh, I don't hear
any laughing now.

Sinking in, huh?

It's sinking in what happened.

Good.
I want it to.

Think long and hard.

Me? I'll be downstairs
with Stan, having fun,

looking at the ham
whenever I want.

[ Man farts ]

Who did it? Who was it?
I'll smell every ass in --

It's time, Arturo.

No.

Not for that, silly,
for me and Stan's ham.

It's gonna be nice.

I hope this works.

So, how do you
want to serve it?

Real thick-like?

Super thin.Like prosciutto.

American prosciutto.

Again
with the correcting.

I don't understand.

I can see there's
no tricking you, Stan,

so I'll just come clean.

I poisoned
our redemption ham.

Why, you ask?

Because I was having
so much fun with you,

and I knew if the men
got better, we'd leave.

I think it was just always
about that.

Joining the club, I just wanted
to spend time with you.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I was a jerk.

You said
no one would like me.

I know,
and I was wrong.

Plus, you taught me
to take ham.

Do you have any ideahow big that is?

Hug time?

I also poisoned
the first ham.

What?The ham you poisoned?

I also poisoned it.

Like, a lot.Why'd you do that?

To get you to Maine,
man.

How great is it here?

Very great.

You know what's not
so very great?

The men.

Ah, yes, the sticky question
of the men.

I've been thinking on this,
Stan,

and when I put my mind
to something, watch out,

because
great things can occur.

Were you gonna
say an idea?

Oh, yeah. I'll stop feeding thempoison hams.

I'll also stop
poisoning their water.

I've been poisoning
their water.

Although, I will say, I think
they like the poison water

even though
it's bad for them.

People don't know
what's good for them, Stan.

-Let us out of here!
-My family thinks I'm dead!

There's gonna be
hell to pay!

The men seem to be thriving,
Roger.I'll say.

You know, if we're gonna do thatlittle detour to Lake Champlain,

which I would
really like to do,

the men will
have to be subdued.

Oh, we're doing
the trip.

Alright, piggies,
it's watering time.

Oh, boy!
Water!

Bye-bye. See you soon.