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1
00:00:03,220 --> 00:00:04,613
It's official.
2
00:00:04,656 --> 00:00:07,094
I closed escrow on my house in Maine.
3
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,965
- Alright, Roger!
- Alright, alright, alright!
4
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,097
Whoo!
5
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,316
Yeah, Stan, yeah.
6
00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:14,188
Thanks, Roger, but I was dancing for me.
7
00:00:14,231 --> 00:00:15,841
My friend Skip Yates died.
8
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,887
You're dancing 'cause your friend died?
9
00:00:17,930 --> 00:00:20,237
Well, he was a member of my ham club.
10
00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:22,239
I'll now explain what that is.
11
00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:25,242
For those who already know,
I authorize you to leave the room.
12
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:26,591
[CLATTERING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]
13
00:00:26,635 --> 00:00:28,245
The Tappahonnock Ham Society
14
00:00:28,289 --> 00:00:29,942
is a brotherhood of Southern gentlemen
15
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:32,162
who carry out the great
Virginian tradition
16
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,164
of curing and aging hams.
17
00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:36,166
- Ham the meat?
- The same.
18
00:00:37,452 --> 00:00:39,300
- That's cool.
- Very.
19
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,605
And the only way to rise up the ranks
20
00:00:40,649 --> 00:00:42,607
in ham club is if someone dies.
21
00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:45,088
So Skip's death is friggin' huge for me.
22
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:46,394
And why?
23
00:00:47,276 --> 00:00:50,050
I'll get slightly better ham now.
24
00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:51,660
Thanks, Skippy.
25
00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:54,271
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
26
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,144
- Do you have...
- A governing body in ham club?
27
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:58,362
Excellent question.
28
00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,582
We have a president, VP, treasurer,
29
00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:03,019
and, best job of all, carver.
30
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,935
And that position is open,
thanks to the big-rig tire
31
00:01:05,978 --> 00:01:07,719
that jumped through Skip's windshield.
32
00:01:07,763 --> 00:01:10,896
I was gonna ask you if had any
idea where the bathroom was.
33
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,333
The bathroom at ham club?
34
00:01:12,376 --> 00:01:14,248
It's an 18th-century outhouse.
35
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:16,859
Pretty cool.
36
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:18,295
That is pretty cool.
37
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,731
With a red-eye gravy
38
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:22,169
sandwiched between a
fresh buttermilk biscuit.
39
00:01:22,212 --> 00:01:24,649
Mmm. Ham, you mean.
40
00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:26,695
Well, I think I'll turn in.
41
00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:30,177
Can I get you two some coffee... to go?
42
00:01:30,220 --> 00:01:31,830
No, Carol. Thank you.
43
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:33,484
You can put the coffee in proper mugs.
44
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:36,444
We're gonna stay a while.
45
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:38,489
Stan, I know this might sound crazy,
46
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:41,013
but I feel like your
friend died for a reason...
47
00:01:41,057 --> 00:01:43,929
to open up a slot for me in ham club.
48
00:01:43,973 --> 00:01:46,715
You in ham club? I don't think so.
49
00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:48,847
- Why not?
- You're not a good fit.
50
00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:51,372
By that, I just mean I don't
think anyone would like you.
51
00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:54,202
Also, you have a tendency
to ruin all my things.
52
00:01:54,237 --> 00:01:55,680
I ruin everyone's things.
53
00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:58,335
That's my thing,
and now you've ruined it.
54
00:01:58,379 --> 00:02:01,077
[CRYING]
55
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,471
♪♪
56
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,908
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
57
00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:09,825
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
58
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:13,089
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
59
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:17,485
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
60
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,794
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
61
00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,232
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
62
00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,276
Aah!
63
00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:30,976
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
64
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,329
Roger wants to join ham club.
65
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,200
Roger? No.
66
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,984
Ham club has standards, Stan.
67
00:02:39,028 --> 00:02:41,378
I tried to tell him that,
but he gets so emotional.
68
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,989
He's carrying around his
vial of hemlock again.
69
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:46,905
Does Roger even have a
relationship with ham?
70
00:02:46,949 --> 00:02:49,038
- None.
- So get him an interview.
71
00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:51,345
Let his lack of ham
knowledge do the rest.
72
00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:53,129
That's genius.
73
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,217
I'm a friend.
74
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:55,784
I throw his hat in the ring.
75
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:58,830
But you coach him so he doesn't
jeopardize your reputation
76
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,790
with any of his typical Roger antics.
77
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,095
I thread the needle.
78
00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:04,227
There's nothing easier.
79
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:05,663
I know I don't say it enough, Klaus,
80
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,317
but you're a hell of a valet.
81
00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:08,753
Don't mention it, Stan.
82
00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:10,799
The way you shit on me
in front of everyone
83
00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:13,236
and pretend we don't have
this special connection
84
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,412
is thank you enough.
85
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:19,242
Oh, my God. Tuttle?
86
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,026
He is such a scaredy-cat.
87
00:03:21,287 --> 00:03:23,986
Yeah, I've seen him
scared tons of times.
88
00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:25,074
I've seen Jeff scared.
89
00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:27,816
Oh, yeah, I've seen,
like, 20 Jeffs scared.
90
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:31,907
Spell it with a "G," a "J,"
if your name's Jeff,
91
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,257
you're scared, and I've seen it.
92
00:03:34,301 --> 00:03:36,694
Check it. I'm gonna flip it on you.
93
00:03:36,738 --> 00:03:40,002
Who have you never seen scared?
94
00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:42,265
Great cue.
95
00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:45,442
You know, I've...
I've never seen Greg scared.
96
00:03:45,486 --> 00:03:47,401
That's true. Weird.
97
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:48,793
Pfft, Greg.
98
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:50,055
Greg the egg.
99
00:03:50,099 --> 00:03:51,156
I could scare him.
100
00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:53,320
Oh-ho-ho-ho. How would you do it?
101
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:56,323
Easy. Come at him with an ax.
102
00:03:56,366 --> 00:03:59,108
[ROGER SOBBING]
103
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:01,458
[CRYING]
104
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:03,373
Wow, Roger, this place looks great.
105
00:04:03,417 --> 00:04:05,549
I'll drink it, Stan. I will.
106
00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:07,247
I got you an interview with my ham club.
107
00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:08,987
Oh, thank you, Stan.
108
00:04:09,031 --> 00:04:10,380
I'm so friggin' amped.
109
00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:12,426
[GRUNTS]
110
00:04:12,469 --> 00:04:13,601
About that.
111
00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:15,516
Sometimes you can be a little big.
112
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,953
- I'll wear my girdle.
- I mean your personality.
113
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:21,391
- My personality?
- It's just you can be flamboyant,
114
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:22,523
and these guys are fancy.
115
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,394
You put those polar opposites together,
116
00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:26,788
- and things could get...
- Flambancy?
117
00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:29,312
- Exactly.
- So should I not be myself?
118
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,227
Yes. Thanks for making this easy.
119
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,794
So how should I act?
120
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:34,404
Buttoned-up, humble, all about ham.
121
00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:35,797
What were you thinking of wearing?
122
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,365
Two hooks for my hands,
two hooks for my feet.
123
00:04:41,412 --> 00:04:43,369
_
124
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:45,067
Hello, Roger.
125
00:04:45,110 --> 00:04:46,503
I'm Ignatius Calhoun,
126
00:04:46,547 --> 00:04:49,767
22nd President of the
Tappahonnock Ham Society,
127
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:52,770
and on behalf of the membership,
thank you for chatting with us
128
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:56,470
about a subject we hold most dear.
129
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:59,603
I speak, of course, of ham.
130
00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:01,953
[CHUCKLES] Of course.
131
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:03,955
I know you're a friend of Brother Stan,
132
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:07,176
so I'll get to the meat of the matter.
133
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:09,004
Do you like ham?
134
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,835
Roger? Your thoughts on ham?
135
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,227
Yes, yes.
136
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,665
Bottom line, there's not
a thing in all God's creation
137
00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:19,623
I love more than the taste of clam.
138
00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:21,930
Uh, sorry.
What I'm trying to say is that,
139
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:25,194
more than anything in the world,
I want in your clam club.
140
00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:26,587
Sugar.
141
00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:29,981
Obviously, you get I'm trying to say
"clam," not "clam."
142
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:31,069
Motherfu...
143
00:05:31,113 --> 00:05:32,810
Thanks so much.
144
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:34,290
Pleasure.
145
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:35,639
Excuse my handshake.
146
00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:37,989
It's not an accurate
reflection of who I am.
147
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:42,516
He's a really nice guy, but...
148
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,039
Not a Tappahonnock man. I get it.
149
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,388
I'll let him down easy.
150
00:05:45,992 --> 00:05:47,477
That wasn't so bad.
151
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:49,087
[ENGINE STARTS]
152
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,916
Whatever happens now
is out of my control.
153
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,223
[SIGHS]
154
00:05:54,266 --> 00:05:55,398
No, no, no, no, no, no.
155
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,791
Ain't happening, Jack.
156
00:05:56,834 --> 00:05:59,663
Now, with status quo secure,
157
00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:02,666
shall we get down to the matter at ham?
158
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,929
More like matter at ham.
159
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:06,627
- [LAUGHTER]
- That... that was...
160
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,585
That was my joke.
161
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:10,805
What the hell is going on?
162
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:12,372
♪♪
163
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:13,590
Oh, shit.
164
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:17,638
♪♪
165
00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:22,425
♪ Come on, babe,
why don't we paint the town? ♪
166
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,035
♪ And all that ham ♪
167
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:29,911
♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees
and roll my stockings down ♪
168
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:31,695
♪ And all that ham ♪
169
00:06:31,739 --> 00:06:34,916
♪ Start the car,
I know a whoopee spot ♪
170
00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:38,354
♪ Where the ham is cold,
but some of it's also hot ♪
171
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:42,576
♪ It's just a noisy hall where
there's a nightly brawl ♪
172
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:48,712
♪ And all that jazz ham ♪
173
00:06:48,756 --> 00:06:50,235
[SONG ENDS]
174
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,150
- [STAN GRUNTS]
- So, do you think it went well?
175
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,935
I just slammed you against a wall.
176
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:57,547
Yeah, but sometimes people
do that before hardcore sex.
177
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,114
- Are we...
- You made a fool of me.
178
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:00,550
I never should've vouched for you.
179
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:03,553
You owe us an apology, Smith.
180
00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:05,599
Where you been hiding this guy?
181
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:07,688
Roger, we'd be honored
182
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,038
if you'd join the
Tappahonnock Ham Society.
183
00:07:10,081 --> 00:07:11,822
- What?
- What? Oh, my God.
184
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:13,563
I was so worried you wouldn't let me in
185
00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,739
after I did the splits and
that feather went up my butt,
186
00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,741
but maybe you didn't notice.
187
00:07:19,977 --> 00:07:23,399
IGNATIUS: Heavenly Father,
we thank You for providing this ham.
188
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,835
This ham is a good ham,
189
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:27,577
and it is the work of Your hands.
190
00:07:27,621 --> 00:07:29,710
May this ham bless our bodies
191
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:33,670
and give us the strength
to endure the day.
192
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:34,797
Amen.
193
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,369
Nice [BLEEP] prayer, man.
194
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,675
Are you nuts?
195
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,416
It's your first day. Stay in your lane.
196
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,636
Geez. Got it. Sorry.
197
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,594
Hey, check it out. Meat curtains.
198
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,770
[LAUGHTER]
199
00:07:47,424 --> 00:07:48,555
This guy's a live wire.
200
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:51,514
Look at me. I'm somebody's wife.
201
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:57,694
♪♪
202
00:07:57,738 --> 00:07:59,609
Mr. Brave, huh?
203
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,655
That's what you're calling yourself?
204
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:04,005
'Cause that's a bunch of crap,
if you ask me.
205
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:05,615
Hi, Francine.
206
00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:06,921
Hi?
207
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:10,620
Let's see who's saying hi
when I change your world.
208
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:11,752
What you doing with the ax?
209
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:15,843
This is what I'm doing
with the ax, Greg!
210
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,977
- Mmm.
- Good gracious.
211
00:08:21,006 --> 00:08:23,677
I propose we move on
to discussing glazes.
212
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,375
Now, I've been contemplating
dried honeysuckle.
213
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:28,406
Ugh, again with the ham?
214
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:30,230
Don't you guys ever do anything else?
215
00:08:30,265 --> 00:08:32,421
This is a ham club.
216
00:08:32,456 --> 00:08:33,676
And I love ham.
217
00:08:33,711 --> 00:08:35,906
Top 10 meat, no question.
But there's more to life.
218
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,332
- Like what?
- I don't know.
219
00:08:38,367 --> 00:08:39,562
Anyone heard of Six Flags?
220
00:08:39,606 --> 00:08:42,304
- Well, that sounds good.
- What about ham?
221
00:08:42,347 --> 00:08:43,880
Arturo's smiling.
222
00:08:43,915 --> 00:08:45,742
What do you say, Iggy? Day at the park?
223
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:46,874
You're a prime candidate
224
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:50,530
for Yosemite Sam's
Hollywood Flight School.
225
00:08:51,478 --> 00:08:52,532
Let's get in the car!
226
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:56,884
- Alright, alright, alright.
- I say, whoo-hoo!
227
00:08:56,927 --> 00:09:00,801
I hope my face shows how
mad I am emotionally.
228
00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:04,152
MAN: Stop the coaster!
Something's wrong!
229
00:09:05,313 --> 00:09:07,372
- Stupid Roger.
- Stan, where the heck were you
230
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,026
during the "Looney Tunes"
meet and greet?
231
00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:11,725
Arturo high-fived Speedy Gonzales.
232
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,509
Congratulations, Roger.
233
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,903
Once again,
you've ruined something I love.
234
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:18,558
Arturo, why don't you run
along and buy some churros...
235
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:19,733
and a basketball jersey.
236
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:20,864
I feel overdressed.
237
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:22,387
Probably a long shot
they sell them here,
238
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:24,433
but everyone's wearing one, so maybe.
239
00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:27,218
The club was perfect,
but you just had to change it.
240
00:09:27,262 --> 00:09:28,872
You couldn't stay in your lane.
241
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:29,986
Lane, schmane.
242
00:09:30,030 --> 00:09:31,745
- Just take ham.
- What ham?
243
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:32,963
Any ham. All the ham.
244
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,749
Whatever "ham" you want in life,
just take it.
245
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,795
See this? It's Arturo's two-year ham.
246
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:39,896
How'd you get that?
247
00:09:39,940 --> 00:09:42,218
Only cabinet members
get the prestige ham.
248
00:09:42,253 --> 00:09:44,395
I took it. Did it in front of him, too.
249
00:09:44,430 --> 00:09:46,934
He didn't say shit. Here.
250
00:09:49,545 --> 00:09:52,417
Arturo, Stan ganked
a piece of your two-year.
251
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,549
[GASPS]
252
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,727
See? You just took ham,
and there were no repercussions.
253
00:09:57,771 --> 00:09:58,902
Whoa.
254
00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:01,992
Now picture "taking ham"
in the biggest way possible.
255
00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:03,864
Doesn't have to be ham-related.
256
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,779
What do you want most in life?
257
00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:07,519
I want to be the new ham carver.
258
00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:09,609
Yes. It didn't have to be ham-related,
259
00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:10,653
but I'm glad it was.
260
00:10:10,697 --> 00:10:12,742
It's settled. You're gonna be carver.
261
00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:13,874
But how?
262
00:10:14,772 --> 00:10:16,180
Put on a fresh pot, Carol.
263
00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:17,486
We're writing a candidacy poem.
264
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:19,836
- A what?
- Yeah, I need clarification, too.
265
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,144
Stan, it's a poem to announce,
with authority,
266
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:25,537
you're the man to carve the ham.
267
00:10:25,581 --> 00:10:26,974
Oh, we're already rhyming.
268
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,324
Oh, my God, Carol.
Why aren't you writing this down?
269
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:33,328
Ham, pam, ram, bam, blam, shlam.
270
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:34,503
- Shlam!
- Shlam!
271
00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:36,331
I like to eat my ham.
272
00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:38,746
It makes me feel like shmam.
273
00:10:38,781 --> 00:10:40,335
- Hey, another rhyme.
- I brought cookies.
274
00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:42,642
Not now, Carol.
We're finally onto something.
275
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:44,861
I have nothing. I'm a fraud.
276
00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:47,777
All I can hear is the
ticking of this tiny clock.
277
00:10:47,821 --> 00:10:48,865
[CLOCK CRASHES]
278
00:10:48,909 --> 00:10:50,911
[BOTH MUNCHING]
279
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,913
I was probably too harsh on Carol.
280
00:10:52,956 --> 00:10:54,871
This cookie was just the spark I needed.
281
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,830
- She should've knocked.
- Right?
282
00:10:56,873 --> 00:10:58,353
Well, we did it.
283
00:10:58,396 --> 00:11:00,094
I think it's pretty good, too.
284
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:01,748
So, how long you been writing poems?
285
00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,532
Oh, God, all my life.
286
00:11:03,575 --> 00:11:07,275
Kind of what I thought I'd be,
a poem-writing guy.
287
00:11:07,318 --> 00:11:11,758
♪♪
288
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:17,851
"I like to eat my ham.
289
00:11:17,894 --> 00:11:20,505
"It makes me feel like shmam.
290
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:23,378
"Have you seen the movie 'Kazaam'?
291
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:24,727
"But back to ham.
292
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,381
"Did you know that an imam
293
00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:28,862
"is a man who leads prayers in a mosque?
294
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:32,422
"What if you pronounced imam "i-mam"?
295
00:11:32,457 --> 00:11:34,563
"W-would that make you think of ham?
296
00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:36,478
"My name is Stan.
297
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:37,827
Ham."
298
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,481
ROGER: Ne-e-xt.
299
00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:41,570
[LAUGHTER]
300
00:11:41,613 --> 00:11:44,007
What kind of dillbag writes a poem?
301
00:11:44,051 --> 00:11:45,835
The poem sucked.
302
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:50,057
I dare say, Roger,
you should be the new ham carver.
303
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,798
Me? Okay, I'll do it.
304
00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:53,974
- Whoo-hoo!
- My man!
305
00:11:54,017 --> 00:11:55,889
I wrote the poem, by the way.
306
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,629
We loved the poem.
307
00:12:00,769 --> 00:12:02,460
Hey, bud, great meeting tonight.
308
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:03,548
You sabotaged me.
309
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:04,680
Well, yeah, Stan.
310
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,029
You didn't want me in your ham club.
311
00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,814
That really hurt my feelings.
312
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:10,468
I didn't want you in my ham club
because you do things like this.
313
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:13,297
Eh, feels like we got a
"chicken or the egg" situation here.
314
00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:15,256
Besides, we bust balls in this club.
315
00:12:15,299 --> 00:12:17,084
You got to come right back at me, dude.
316
00:12:17,127 --> 00:12:19,826
Arturo actually brought that up.
He's been clocking it.
317
00:12:19,869 --> 00:12:21,175
He's actually a pretty
funny guy if you can get him
318
00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:23,264
talking about something other than...
319
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:24,961
dinosaurs.
320
00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:30,967
Oh, God, how I want
my first ham for the club
321
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,664
to be absolute perfection.
322
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,666
The boys will accept only the best,
323
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:37,582
and yet mine looks nothing
like this good ham.
324
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:40,107
Oh, bother.
325
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:43,066
Maybe I should step away
and rest my fevered mind
326
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:46,113
and returneth anew in the
freshness of the morn.
327
00:12:46,156 --> 00:12:48,898
But shall I secure my precious ham?
328
00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:53,163
Nay. Let it lieth here
under the eyes of angels.
329
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:57,559
For now, I seeketh
repose in my chambers,
330
00:12:57,602 --> 00:13:00,997
to drift dreamward while
hardcore porn blasts
331
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:03,478
on my Samsung Galaxy 9+.
332
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:05,001
Let's see how much your butt buddy
333
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:08,526
Arturo loves you after
he pukes his guts out.
334
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:13,836
ROGER: Oh, this gentleman
doth be nice and veiny.
335
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:20,321
My little birds tell me you skipped
336
00:13:20,364 --> 00:13:22,018
Tappahonnock last night.
337
00:13:22,062 --> 00:13:24,673
It's not like you to miss a carve, Stan.
338
00:13:24,716 --> 00:13:28,111
But it is like me to not eat poison.
339
00:13:28,155 --> 00:13:29,547
Tee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee.
340
00:13:29,591 --> 00:13:31,898
You were right, Stan.
I should've stayed in my lane.
341
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:35,684
Oh, was your ham not a
complete and total success?
342
00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:36,859
[ALL GROANING]
343
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,992
Oh, my God, these men are far sicker
344
00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:41,124
than medium-strength
food-poisoning sick.
345
00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:42,256
That's a strange way to put it.
346
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:45,346
Uh, uh, but would you agree?
Look at them.
347
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:47,217
- They're at death's door.
- Stay calm.
348
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:49,524
I'll load them into a U-Haul
and drive them into the ocean.
349
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,743
- Just wait.
- I already rented the U-Haul, Stan.
350
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,006
- It's done.
- Slow down.
351
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,703
We could drop them at a hospital?
352
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:55,922
A hospital.
353
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:58,098
Those nosy nurses will track
this right back to me...
354
00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,047
I mean us... I mean you.
355
00:14:00,082 --> 00:14:03,146
We need to bring the men
somewhere quiet, secluded,
356
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,321
where we can nurse them back to health.
357
00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:06,671
My house in Maine. It's super secluded.
358
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:10,327
And the Maine breezes, Stan,
oh, my God, they're curative.
359
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:11,546
Okay, Maine.
360
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:12,647
- Maine?
- Maine.
361
00:14:12,690 --> 00:14:14,693
- Maine!
- Maine!
362
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:17,552
Those bones look broken.
363
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:20,076
I suggest you get to Maine immediately.
364
00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,906
Eh, there's only so much Maine can do.
365
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:28,128
Mom, you're awake.
You've been in a coma.
366
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,433
What?
367
00:14:29,477 --> 00:14:31,696
You got hit by a truck
charging across the street
368
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,263
to scare Greg.
369
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:37,006
- Greg!
- [HORN HONKS, TIRES SCREECH]
370
00:14:38,151 --> 00:14:39,443
Look out!
371
00:14:40,303 --> 00:14:43,186
So, why are you in the hospital, Hayley?
372
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:44,274
Are you sick, too?
373
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:46,929
No, I'm visiting you.
374
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:48,539
Ah.
375
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,977
Francine, thank God you're okay.
376
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:52,630
But I didn't scare you.
377
00:14:52,674 --> 00:14:54,850
What? We didn't think you'd make it.
378
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,982
You scared me terribly.
379
00:14:57,184 --> 00:14:59,072
Yeah, I did, you little bitch.
380
00:14:59,115 --> 00:15:00,856
High five, Hayley.
381
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,946
- Let's do the other one.
- Absolutely not.
382
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,047
Get it.
383
00:15:05,091 --> 00:15:07,167
Aah! Nurse!
384
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,563
Now, I know sleeping in
a new bed can be scary,
385
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:16,089
but just lie back and
let Maine do its work.
386
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:18,656
Good night, you princes of ham,
387
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,397
you kings of...
388
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:22,660
ham.
389
00:15:24,066 --> 00:15:25,315
What are you doing? I was in there.
390
00:15:25,359 --> 00:15:27,970
You were?
Stan, those men are quite sick.
391
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,406
They're not your playthings.
392
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:31,495
Better make sure you didn't bother them.
393
00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:34,324
ROGER: Here comes the tickle monster.
394
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,894
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
395
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,984
Ah, first cup of the day.
396
00:15:43,141 --> 00:15:45,074
Second cup of the day.
397
00:15:46,021 --> 00:15:48,034
Third cup of the day.
398
00:15:49,540 --> 00:15:51,167
Ah.
399
00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:53,039
Now to cure the men.
400
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:58,958
What a mess.
401
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:01,438
♪♪
402
00:16:02,946 --> 00:16:04,746
Feel that Maine breeze, men.
403
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:05,965
It'll cure you.
404
00:16:06,673 --> 00:16:09,055
Sponge baths will also cure you, Arturo.
405
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,666
Oh, I forgot
my soothing eucalyptus spray.
406
00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:16,192
Wait. Did I even pack that?
407
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,293
Why am I running?
408
00:16:18,024 --> 00:16:20,066
Little more breeze time.
409
00:16:21,182 --> 00:16:22,255
Arturo, wake up.
410
00:16:22,298 --> 00:16:24,809
Chloe Sevigny's sucking
Vincent Gallo's di...
411
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:26,246
[ALL GROANING]
412
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:28,683
We should've done this
a long time ago, Stan.
413
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:31,816
The men are really
responding to the ocean.
414
00:16:32,486 --> 00:16:35,646
Stan, have you noticed how
I hold my hot drinks in Maine...
415
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,822
with two hands?
I think you should try it.
416
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:40,260
The men aren't getting better, Roger.
417
00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:47,310
Stan! Arturo escaped!
418
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:48,616
He can't have gone far.
419
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,879
Grab a few Uzis,
and we'll fan out in the woods.
420
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:53,186
God, I should never
have let you in this club.
421
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:56,276
Then you couldn't have clowned
me so hard after I read my poem,
422
00:16:56,319 --> 00:16:58,800
I wouldn't have gotten
mad and poisoned your...
423
00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:00,062
Poisoned my what?
424
00:17:01,203 --> 00:17:02,804
Your ham. I poisoned your ham.
425
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:05,241
Son of a bitch. You know what you did?
426
00:17:06,274 --> 00:17:08,375
- You took ham.
- What?
427
00:17:08,418 --> 00:17:12,292
Poisoning ham is the ultimate
example of taking ham.
428
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:14,468
- So you're not mad?
- Mad?
429
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,383
I'm proud of you, man.
430
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:18,254
[ARTURO GROANS, FARTS]
431
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:24,695
Arturo, what the heck are you
doing under there, you silly?
432
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,436
[ARTURO GROANS]
433
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,003
Wait. Did you hear that?
434
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:32,442
- What?
- He's trying to say, "Ha-a-a-m."
435
00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,357
- I'm not sure.
- Of course you're not sure.
436
00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:37,099
We don't know what we're doing.
But they know.
437
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,492
Their bodies want ham.
438
00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:40,146
We need to make a ham so good
439
00:17:40,189 --> 00:17:42,365
it'll restore their will to live.
440
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:44,846
- A redemption ham.
- Redemption ham.
441
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:46,369
This ham's nice.
442
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,284
Ooh, but this is also a nice ham.
443
00:17:48,328 --> 00:17:50,330
And get a load of this ham, Stan.
444
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:51,722
That's the ham.
445
00:17:51,766 --> 00:17:53,159
Should we also get some pumpkin
butter while we're here?
446
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:54,812
I think we have enough on our...
447
00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:56,945
Stan, we need to focus.
We have enough on our plate.
448
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,294
Hands are full, Stan.
449
00:17:58,338 --> 00:17:59,948
Just buy the pumpkin butter.
450
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:01,123
Two big ones.
451
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:06,128
It seems you've
rediscovered your passion
452
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:09,088
for curing and aging hams.
453
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:13,918
♪♪
454
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:17,487
[MEN FARTING]
455
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:19,228
It stinks in here, right?
456
00:18:19,272 --> 00:18:20,286
Should I crack a window?
457
00:18:20,329 --> 00:18:24,277
I'm worried about the ham.
458
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,017
It's not enough. Cut it down, Stan.
459
00:18:26,061 --> 00:18:27,236
Run. Run from the farts.
460
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,195
It'll get in the ham.
461
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,588
For those of you who
participated in the farting,
462
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,287
I hope you had a good laugh,
but I've got a joke for you.
463
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:35,331
Knock knock.
464
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,812
Who's there? Not a ham to look at.
465
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:41,032
Oh, I don't hear any laughing now.
466
00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:42,295
Sinking in, huh?
467
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:43,600
It's sinking in what happened.
468
00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:45,559
Good. I want it to.
469
00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:47,082
Think long and hard.
470
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,780
Me? I'll be downstairs
with Stan, having fun,
471
00:18:49,824 --> 00:18:52,783
looking at the ham whenever I want.
472
00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:54,394
[MAN FARTS]
473
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:56,526
Who did it? Who was it?
I'll smell every ass in...
474
00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,096
It's time, Arturo.
475
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,489
No.
476
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:05,187
Not for that, silly,
for me and Stan's ham.
477
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:06,667
It's gonna be nice.
478
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:08,973
I hope this works.
479
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,192
So, how do you want to serve it?
480
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,324
Real thick-like?
481
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:13,413
- Super thin.
- Like prosciutto.
482
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:15,458
American prosciutto.
483
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,199
Again with the correcting.
484
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:24,250
♪♪
485
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,341
I don't understand.
486
00:19:28,384 --> 00:19:30,430
I can see there's no tricking you, Stan,
487
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:31,487
so I'll just come clean.
488
00:19:31,531 --> 00:19:33,868
I poisoned our redemption ham.
489
00:19:33,911 --> 00:19:34,999
Why, you ask?
490
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,697
Because I was having
so much fun with you,
491
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:39,526
and I knew if the men got better,
we'd leave.
492
00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,615
I think it was just always about that.
493
00:19:41,658 --> 00:19:45,401
Joining the club,
I just wanted to spend time with you.
494
00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:46,446
I'm sorry.
495
00:19:46,489 --> 00:19:48,056
No, I'm sorry.
496
00:19:48,099 --> 00:19:49,275
I was a jerk.
497
00:19:49,318 --> 00:19:50,754
You said no one would like me.
498
00:19:50,798 --> 00:19:52,800
I know, and I was wrong.
499
00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:54,976
Plus, you taught me to take ham.
500
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:57,413
Do you have any idea how big that is?
501
00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:59,850
Hug time?
502
00:19:59,894 --> 00:20:01,548
I also poisoned the first ham.
503
00:20:01,591 --> 00:20:03,245
- What?
- The ham you poisoned?
504
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:04,507
I also poisoned it.
505
00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:06,074
- Like, a lot.
- Why'd you do that?
506
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:07,293
To get you to Maine, man.
507
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:08,511
How great is it here?
508
00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:09,556
Very great.
509
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:11,210
You know what's not so very great?
510
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:12,254
The men.
511
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,822
Ah, yes, the sticky question of the men.
512
00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:16,302
I've been thinking on this, Stan,
513
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:19,000
and when I put my mind
to something, watch out,
514
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:21,524
because great things can occur.
515
00:20:22,743 --> 00:20:24,005
Were you gonna say an idea?
516
00:20:24,048 --> 00:20:26,442
Oh, yeah.
I'll stop feeding them poison hams.
517
00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:27,748
I'll also stop poisoning their water.
518
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,532
I've been poisoning their water.
519
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:31,317
Although, I will say,
I think they like the poison water
520
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:32,840
even though it's bad for them.
521
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:35,016
People don't know what's good
for them, Stan.
522
00:20:35,813 --> 00:20:37,217
_
523
00:20:38,585 --> 00:20:41,675
- Let us out of here!
- My family thinks I'm dead!
524
00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:43,198
There's gonna be hell to pay!
525
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,375
- The men seem to be thriving, Roger.
- I'll say.
526
00:20:46,419 --> 00:20:49,378
You know, if we're gonna do that
little detour to Lake Champlain,
527
00:20:49,422 --> 00:20:50,945
which I would really like to do,
528
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,642
the men will have to be subdued.
529
00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:54,949
Oh, we're doing the trip.
530
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:58,344
Alright, piggies, it's watering time.
531
00:20:58,387 --> 00:21:02,261
Oh, boy! Water!
532
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:04,132
Bye-bye. See you soon.
533
00:21:06,532 --> 00:21:08,549
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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