Original subtitles

May we cast off now, Mr Baldwin? We're late.

I gotta wait for that fool Tweeny.

A great salesman. He sells thousands of brushes a year.

- That's something. - Everything. I manufacture them.

"Baldwin brushes. They brush." Permit me.

I want to get out of this country. I have a feeling I'm being spied on.

Everybody feels like that, but I can't understand it.

Spying is impossible in Klopstokia.

Oops!

- American? - No, Klopstokian. A hundred per cent.

Gee, I'd like to meet you.

I... I'd like to know your name.

To sum it all up, I love you.

- Ah! Must be Cupid! - No, that's my little brother, Willie.

He thinks all Americans are Indians.

- Say, are these arrows poisoned? - Only some of them.

Great kid. The little rat!

And who are you?

Anything you want to make of me.

These are the finest brushes made.

These bristols... brustles... They get in corners where mops won't.

Fine quality, and if your money isn't satisfactory we return the brooms.

- What are you selling? - Yes.

I love you, too.

It's half past four. He's waiting for me at the dock.

- Who? - My boss, Mr Baldwin.

He makes these brushes. They brush. Let's get outta here.

My dear General...

No, that's too friendly.

Dear... General.

Still too friendly.

General Wagenalds.

Dear sir...

Now, why should I be so respectful?

Corporal Wagenalds...

He'll resent that.

He'll resent anything I call him.

The crud!

Just for that, Private Wagenalds! Put yourself under arrest.

Taxi. Taxi, hold it there. Pay you 15 and 5?

- This is a matter of life and death. - What isn't?

"What isn't?" Can you imagine a guy wisecracking when I'm a busy man?

What is this? Another one of your little brothers?

Doh! Listen, don't play around, I got to get to the dock. Get going.

Hey, you know this... What was that? Thunder?

Come on, get in, quick. It's 4:30 and Mr Baldwin's waiting for me. Get in.

Get some respect, you big dog!

Yes, sir, 4:30. Hey, wait!

If you wasn't an old man, I'd...

I'm a busy man.

Keep that meter running, fella.

I'll be right back, honey.

Come on, dear.

But, Father, isn't he handsome?

Yes, but I'll fix that.

Come on, dear, we must take it on the lam.

- Hey, boss, you're late. - I'm late? I'm late? Ha! You're fired.

Ha! You can't fire me. I just made a contact, and what a beautiful contact! She's this high...

I'm not going to miss those Olympic Game tryouts.

It's the dream of my life. Can you imagine the headlines?

Yeah. "Baldwin endows record breakers."

"Presents the winning team."

- Right. - Oh, you...

There'll be a mutiny if we wait another minute.

We must sail now, with or without you.

- I'll pay your passage back. - I ain't going.

Leave all this territory unbrushed?

- Goodbye! - Goodbye, Mr Baldwin. Bon voyage!

Don't take no wooden brushes.

Yoohoo! Woohoo!

Willie! Buffalo Bill! Willie!

Did you see that beautiful girl? I'm looking for a girl's beautiful name.

- Angela. - Angela? Angela!

- Oh, Angela! - What?

What?

What?

Hello.

Hello... Oh, it's you. What do you want?

- Did you buzz, sir? - What do you think I am, a bee?

How many customers did we turn away today?

- Uh... Only 24, sir. - We're slipping.

I guess business is bad all over the world.

Come here.

We all have our ups and downs.

Even you.

You've got to eat more. I hardly get a work-out when you're this light.

Not that I'm not having fun, but the cabinet is waiting for you.

OK, one more nip up and I'll go.

Ah, if you could only bounce!

Quick now, before our beloved president gets here... the rat!

Let's have the report of the three secret emissaries.

Here's the plan. The government bonds are due in exactly two months.

If the government fails to meet its obligation, we get control of the mines.

It should be easy.

As far as the president knows, we're the most loyal cabinet ever.

When will we be rid of this bore?

As soon as we find someone to lick him.

And that'll be any day now.

Say, you're getting stronger.

And some day, I'll do that to him.

Some day!

His Excellency, the President.

Any of you mugs been playing my harmonica?

It's busted.

Agh!

Some day.

Gentlemen, the usual...

The usual oath of allegiance, and no stalling.

We pledge our allegiance to you.

Long may you live.

I thank you.

And I in turn will always extend to you

the hearty handclasp of friendship.

Angela?

Angela!

At last!

He loves me... He loves me not.

He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me. He loves me not.

He loves me!

That's the way we make 'em.

Are you hurt?

No, I guess not. It's a good thing I fell on the...

Let's get married.

You'll have to ask Father. In this country it's a law.

That's OK. That's OK with me. We'll obey the laws of the land.

What the country needs is money.

And it's up to you...

What the country needs is money.

And it's up to you to get it for me.

And if you don't, I'm gonna take it out of your hides.

- Haaa! - Just as I suspected.

The country's starving, and you with gold in your teeth. Get out!

- Whatever it is, no. - Your new bodyguard is outside, sir.

Are they any better than that last lot of lunks?

- They're eight boogiemen. - I'll take 'em for a boogie ride.

I'm so afraid he'll hurt you.

He has a ferocious temper, he'd break your arm.

What do I care? I got two of 'em.

Any of them corpses your father?

No, but he's around somewhere.

I get it.

For my mother.

That's a pretty nasty temper you've got, neighbour.

What do you want?

If I go one round with you, can I marry your daughter?

The Constitution says I can't hit a man under 200lbs.

Oh, so you got guards again, you big sissy!

- They won't hurt him, will they? - Only for two hours.

Then they'll shoot him.

You got that money? If you haven't, scat!

No, but we have something else for you. - What?

- An ultimatum. - I don't want any.

- I just had roast goat stuffed with eels. - You have no way of meeting the bonds.

Turn over the reins of the government to us. You're in our power.

I've got him, I've got him! Argh!

Some day.

Fine state of affairs. The treasury's nearly empty and he almost threw me.

Those soldiers will hurt him.

I'm as weak as a cat. I haven't been drinking my goat's milk. My doctor told me.

- He's not very strong. - I should have gone to night school.

- I'd have been able to add. - Eleven to one is such unfair odds.

Eleven are not odds. It's even, I know that much.

He's the only man I've ever loved.

It'll take a wizard to get me out of this.

Father, you said you wanted a wizard.

- Lizard? What would I do with a lizard? - No, wizard.

I'd give anything for a good, clean wizard.

There he is. He's made them forget they're afraid of you.

He's my man. I must speak to him. Write me for an appointment.

Never mind, I'll write him. As a matter of fact, I'll call him.

Hey! Come up here.

- What's his name? - Well, I call him sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Hey! Sweetheart! Come up here.

They've got me in their power, eh? They don't know about Sweetheart.

Darling! Gee, you scared me when you called just then.

Your voice is changing.

I'm a judge of men and you're a man.

- We'll be married in one minute. - I hate long engagements.

You're a great salesman.

You'll have to get along on very little to start. We'll chisel our budget.

I'll make you my privy counsellor. What do you say?

I'd love to chisel... with you.

- What do you say? - He says yes.

Come here!

Help me out and you can marry my daughter.

Fail and I'll break your neck.

This country needs eight million dollars. Where am I gonna get it?

- Why don't you take up a collection? - There isn't $80 in the whole country.

I know nothing about money. All I have is my strength. And a lot of impatience.

What's eight million? Take off the zeros and what have you got?

We have got the zeros. What's bothering me is the eight.

Nobody'd be fool enough to lend this country money.

Hurry up and think of something.

I warn you, when I get sore, I get stronger!

- Father! - What?

- I have it. - You don't look it, but I'm sure you have.

- You have what? - It. Your strength. That's all we need.

We enter the Olympic Games. You'll win weightlifting with ease.

Mr Baldwin will give you more money than you could count. If you could.

- Where are we gonna get athletes? - I'll find 'em. Got bill collectors?

- Thousands of 'em. - Then you got runners. I'll find them.

Splendid. But everything must be secret. I'm surrounded by spies.

- Sometimes I mistrust myself. - Then listen. Don't talk to yourself.

And if you do, lie.

Ssh! Someone is following me.

Of course. We're following you.

Oh, I was wondering.

What was that? A spy?

No, it was a mockingbird.

- What was that? Another mockingbird? - No, that was a spy.

- How could you tell? - You can't.

- Ah, then I was right. - So was I.

I pass. Three no trump, your lead.

Upsy-daisy.

Are all the doors locked? And all the bolts to the chains in place?

- All the cracks hermetically sealed? - I fastened all the doors myself.

- I tried them. - And I'll hide the key.

Good.

Now, we must do something about this American with the brushes.

- He'll bother us. - Let's put dandruff in his brushes.

Oh, no, I have a better plan.

I know a woman...

Being with you is like being in heaven.

I love you, too.

She's the only one that can save us. The greatest woman spy of all time.

Mata Machree.

Mata Machree, the woman no man can resist.

The woman no man can resist.

- I must call her and ask her to help us. - We'll all call on her!

- Come on, let's get out of here. - You think of everything.

Who was them guys? A college fraternity?

- They'll kill you, I know. - Well, it's nice to be sure.

- Take this to my privy counsellor. - Where is he, Your Excellency?

Where would a privy counsellor be?

If he's not there, he's with my daughter.

Wait. Don't let anyone see you in that uniform,

or they will know I'm communicating with him.

Take this goatskin, the one I always use when travelling incognito. Proceed.

You're not going to let them frighten you?

Who, me? The only reason I'm shaking is because I'm sore.

My hero!

- Hey! - Look, it's a lion! And it's after us!

Hey!

Whatever it is, it's miles behind us now.

I thought you'd show up sooner or later.

It's Father's major-domo.

- I hope we didn't keep you waiting. - Only ten minutes.

- How'd you come? By plane? - That's too slow. I ran.

You ran? You run pretty fast, don't you?

I can't make much time here. The ground is so uneven and I have to jump.

Say, listen, tell me something.

How long will it take to take this answer back?

I can do it in about 25 minutes.

- How far is it? - That way, it's about 30 miles.

But I know a short cut that's only 40.

- That way you save ten miles, huh? - No. That way I get a running start.

- What do you want? - To see Mata Machree.

Who wouldn't?

I want to see this woman no man can resist.

Sorry, Madam is only resisted from two to four in the afternoon.

Kindly announce the Secretary of the Treasury.

- The Secretary of State. - Secretary of Interior.

Secretary of Agriculture.

- Secretary of Labour. - Secretary of War.

And the Secretary of the Navy.

Oh, most beautiful of all that is beautiful,

oh, fairest since Helen,

seven eggs coming up.

Line up, suckers.

Mata Machree, the woman no man can resist.

Lights.

Isn't somebody going to say something?

Erm... Umm...

I know why you are here. I know everything.

I even know what you think, you beast.

~ Take a look, just a look ~

~ At the hottest thing in old Klopstokia ~

~ Take a look, just a look ~

~ Here's everything in old Klopstokia ~

~ Even babes right out of their cribs ~

~ Like to shake their rattles here ~

~ You will learn how to burn ~

~ From the hottest thing in old Klopstokia ~

~ It's terrific when I get hot ~

~ It's something terrible, the gift I got ~

~ You either master me or you will not ~

~ You can tell when I get hot ~

~ It's terrific when I get mean ~

~ I'm just a woman made of gelatine ~

~ I have a tush like a tambourine ~

~ Oy oy oy, when I get hot

~ When I start to dance ~

~ The fire horses start to prance ~

~ And now the whole department ~

~ Wears the burnt old pants ~

~ It's terrific when I get hot ~

~ I'm just a version of forget-me-not ~

~ I'm not so mighty like I was, so what? ~

~ Oh, when I get hot

~ When I get hot ~

Follow me.

Uh oh! Not too close, or you catch on fire.

How can I concentrate?

You will help us?

I will. The boat that takes them will take me.

While I take them.

- And your pay? - Don't worry.

I'll get it, and it'll be plenty.

Good day.

- You know what? - What?

I love you.

In Klopstokia there's another way of saying that.

In public?

Here is a song of love. It's in the old Klopstokian language

that we used to speak before we learned English.

When you've learned to sing this, I'll know you really love me.

It's priceless. Guard it with your life.

"Woof bloogle gik"

"Mow gik bloogle woof'

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Mow gik bloogle woof ~

- Gee, clever words. - It's an old family copy.

- Say, tell me, what's it printed on? - My grandfather.

Wait here. Don't go away.

Man... Woman... Erm!

Hey, come on, beat it!

Gee, what a marvellous country! I suppose you go in for wrestling, too?

- Angela, move it! - Her name Angela, too?

All the girls in this country are named Angela. All the men are named George.

- Why? - Why not?

- You'd better carry me over. - Nice considerate girl, ain't she?

All right.

- There you are. - Terrific! What a marvellous country.

If they laid all the athletes end to end, they'd reach...

484 miles.

- How do you know? - We did it once.

George! George! Oh, George!

- George! - What do you want?

You boys got any jobs?

No? Then come to the Olympics. You'd mop up like Baldwin brushes.

It's for the fatherland.

These boys'll clean up. If they do, Mr Baldwin'll rain money on your old man.

- They tell me it never rains in Los Angeles. - Only money. Only money.

Say, I don't know whether I've ever mentioned it, but I love you.

I don't know whether I ever mentioned it,

but in Klopstokia there's an old song.

Mm-hmm, I was waiting for that.

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Mow gik bloogle woof ~

~ Poof bloogle ik ~

~ Bow ik oogle poof ~

Shall I do my practising now?

Yeah, come on.

Just keep running round the ship.

Ready?

Argh!

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Mow gik bloogle woof... ~

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Mow gik bloogle woof... ~

Hey, that guy's got me worried. Maybe he ran off the boat. Here.

I've been very fond of runners.

Come on, get your rubdown later.

I've been very fond of trainers, too.

- Writing a song, no doubt? - How can I? You got my guitar.

Listen.

- ~ Woof bloogle gik... ~ - You want me to start jumping now?

You're a jumper, aren't you? Go ahead, jump.

Are you ready?

Argh!

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Mow... ~

~ Mow bloogle gik ~

~ Mow gik bloo... ~

Excuse me. I want to find out where that grasshopper jumped to.

I've been very fond of yumpers.

Hey, yumpers must yump.

Get ready.

I just been hearing you sing. What was it you sing?

Oh, just a little song. Here's how it goes.

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

- ~ Mow gik bloogle woof ~ - You couldn't sing without the guitar.

I've been... She's got me talking like that, too.

Oh!

- Hello, Sweetheart. - Listen, my name's Tweeny.

You'll always be Sweetheart to me.

I know, but there's talk already.

Stick around. Watch me exercise.

He's going to exercise.

He's not going to be in any better condition than I am.

These walls are like tissue paper.

These walls are like tissue paper.

Will you keep me from being interrupted till I've finished this song?

All right, Sweetheart.

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Mow gik bloogle woof ~

~ Poof bloogle ik ~

~ Bow ik oogle poof ~

~ Quee pok pok pok ~

~ Lining pok pok shining ~

~ It's just for you ~

~ Ba ba boo boo bee ba ba boo ~

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Woof bloogle gik ~

~ Poof woof woof, woof woof ~

~ Woof ~

Next stop, Los Angeles.

Where's the major-domo?

He's outside, doing a little road work.

You were going to lower morale.

They fell in love with you and morale went up.

Tonight in Los Angeles, I been going to lower it.

- The whole team? - Yes.

My compliments.

You call yourself a train.

Los Angeles.

Tonight.

Tonight?

Tonight.

Which way to the Los Angeles Olympic stadium?

You mean the Los Angeles stadium at Los Angeles?

- Approximately. - Well, that's in Los Angeles.

About 470 miles that way.

Conductor! I thought this train went to Los Angeles.

So did I. I can't understand it.

We haven't made a mistake like this in 40 years.

The special to Los Angeles arrived.

- What's it doing here? - How do I know? Am I a timetable?

Hey, where's the engineer?

I dropped him just outside Kansas City.

I'm gonna drop you!

Leave him alone. If you'd keep your mind on us instead of on that Swede...

I'm not even going to answer that.

I'm gonna get a cab to take us to the flying field.

- We'll be changing planes in midair! - I'm having a great time here myself.

I'll have cabs before you can say Jack Robinson.

- Jack Robinson. Naah! - Doh...

Mata!

Alone at last, my lovers, with you.

You are all so wonderful, I do not know which I've been loved the most.

- You double-crosser, you! - Who? Me?

You'd cut your mother's throat for a deck.

I'll cut yours for nothing!

It's terrific!

Here we are, folks, here we are in Los Angeles.

It's a beautiful Californian day...

Here is the little republic of Klopstokia.

Klopstokia, since 1925, has imported 73 barrels of oranges from California.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, ouch ouch!

Their spirits been low.

And their bones been broken.

They've been sure not to win

so they then don't get money from that Baldwin fella.

They don't been.

Mata Machree, you are priceless. Priceless.

Oh, no, I got my price.

We might get something if we sold these guys as souvenirs.

The games are starting. Can't anything be done with these idiots?

Everything has been done. It's no use, we're through.

No, give them a pep talk. All they need is some spirit.

- Remember Father? - You remember him.

It's a cinch!

Athletes of Klopstokia, what's a couple of broken bones?

Think of something to cheer you up. Your sweethearts, your native land.

Dinner, the ones you left behind, the woman you love, the...

- What's the matter? - Mata's the matter.

All they needed was to mention that dame.

Gee, I'd like to throw her to the goats of Klopstokia.

- Only I got nothing against goats. - Then you can resist her?

I could resist if it was New Year's Eve and we were locked in a telephone booth.

Little Angela's going to do something about this, I hope.

Kiss me.

It's a cinch!

And the orange is now bigger than my head!

Oh, look, there's the score board.

- What do you want? - So you're the woman no man can resist?

You overstuffed cooch dancer!

- Get out! - All right, but you're coming with me.

You're going to tell those men you don't love them.

You spoil my racket. I not tell no man I don't love him.

The blood that runs in my father's veins runs in mine.

If I can't make you come with me, I'm not half the man my father is.

- I'm going to count three. One... - No.

Two.

- No! - Three.

No!

Gentlemen, think of the battle when Klopstokia won independence.

We lost it.

Finals in the 32-foot dive.

Klopstokia's champion woman diver has failed to appear.

- Now I got you! - I been prepared for everything.

I'm prepared for anything you're prepared for.

I been give in.

I been too full of water to fight any more.

A wonderful exhibition. What country do you represent?

Klopstokia.

Oh. Permit me.

Now say it.

- Say it! - All right.

I not been in love with any of this men.

It been just a conspiracy.

Now, George, will you fight for your country?

- Yes! - Which way's the field?

It's that way for good old Klopstokia. It's that way.

Klopstokia's winning everything.

Three more points and Klopstokia wins!

Hit me, I think I'm dreaming.

There goes Nomi. No, it wasn't, it's somebody doing the pole jump.

I'll never make it. It's higher than I've ever jumped.

You gotta make it. Here, here's some goat's milk.

That'll fix him up.

He's not going to make it.

Ah! Oh, boy! Did you? Ah! Did you see?

The next event will be the one-mile run.

Timers and judges, ready.

On your marks.

Fingers on.

Get set...

- Why didn't you start? - Why should I do all this running?

They're a hundred yards ahead.

- Did you ever study astronomy? - No. Get going!

If you had, you'd realise how very small a hundred yards is.

Do something, do something!

I read in the papers the Earth is moving towards the constellation of Hercules

at the rate of 100,000 miles a second!

You'll admit that's pretty fast, huh?

Here, deliver this note.

Come on, George!

- D'you get it? - Thank you.

The next event is weightlifting.

In addition to the other countries who have competed up till now,

- we have a freelance entrant. - He's out to keep us from winning.

Let's avoid all the preliminaries. We can skip the first 500lbs.

Good luck, Pres.

All right, folks, step back, please, and give them plenty of room.

Attaboy, Pres!

Nothing, really.

- I'm not sure I can make it. - I been going to inspire you.

Yeah, go ahead.

If you're going to act like that...

He's got it off the ground.

- He has not. - It isn't off the ground.

You're right, it was off the ground.

Those weights are getting a bit hefty.

- Maybe you pulled against the wind. - Yes, it wouldn't be a bit surp...

Inspire me, Matty. Gimme a double portion this time.

I hope he doesn't lift the other one. I've done all I can do.

Me, too. I been done all I can do... in public.

I'm all in. I can't lift another pound.

- My parents always said I was puny. - Shall I call the contest a draw?

- With no score for anyone? - Do as you like.

I've given my last grunt for my country.

Wait! Make Father angry. That's when he's strongest.

Come on, get up, you big marrow head.

You're a big beetle puss slug!

- I ought to punch you on the nose. - Argh!

Run! He'll kill you.

- Are you hurt? - I don't know yet. Ooh!

- Come out from behind there. - Let him alone.

Two medals? What for?

You not only won weightlifting, but also the shot put.

We win!

- We'd better make our getaway. - I think I go home now.

Wonderful, my fortune's at your disposal.

- I just want $2 for our marriage licence. - Sweetheart?

- Introduce me. - This is the pres, Mr Baldwin.

"Baldwin's Brushes, they brush." This is the pres, Mr Baldwin.

- My congratulations. - Thanks.

- Mighty fine grip you've got there, Baldwin. - Oh, it ain't so much.

- Pres! - It's the climate and too much orange juice.