Original subtitles

Come on, Pa. We've been out here over three hours.

I mean, we don't even know where the hell she went.

She's at least...

a 12-footer if I ever saw one.

No, I ain't leavin' here without her.

Man, I'm cold.

Shh.

Shut your hole.

Come on, man. Can we pull over?

I gotta take a piss.

Go off the side of the boat.

Come on.

We ain't beachin' it.

Shit.

Jesus Christ. [unzipping]

[grunts]

Oh, come on, man. I can't go like this.

Why in the hell not?

Well, 'cause it's weird

with you sittin' there like that.

Just keep it down, would ya?

See, no matter what I say,

it's, "Shut up, Ainsley,"

or, "You're queer, Ainsley,"

or, "Why can't you be more like your sister, Ainsley?"

I said shut up, you little queer.

See?

See that?

Asshole.

What'd you say, boy?

Nothin'.

Now, don't make me throw you in the swamp, now.

Yeah, you go--

[roars]

Jesus Christ!

Jesus, son, what happened?

She tried to bite my sack off!

You let her get away, you moron!

Well, what the hell was I supposed to do?

For crying out loud, can we just pull over,

so I can finish my damn piss?

Lord!

Y'all hurry up now.

Goddamn queer's gotta squat to take a leak.

[thunderclap]

[thunderclap]

Oh, shit.

[splashing in distance]

Keep still, Ainsley.

I think she's back.

Well, what should I do?

Don't make a sound.

Stay right there.

[thunderclap]

Pa?

Did you get her?

[thunderclap]

Pa?

Maybe we can go home now?

[twig snaps]

Pa?

Huh?

Pa?

Pa?

[whimpering]

Pa?

[thunderclap]

Come on!

Come and get it, you bitch!

I'll kill you!

[roaring]

Oh, God!

[screaming]

It hurts!

[screaming continues]

Oh, God!

Help me!

I need some beads. [chuckling]

Cheer up, man. This is Mardi Gras. This is fun.

And I'm having a blast.

Oh, oh, right here, right here, right here. Look at that.

Oh! Look at those boobs right there. [laughing]

Hey! Hey.

They're somethin' new, right?

Haven't you seen enough boobs?

I'm just not feelin' this. I-I shoulda stayed at home.

What, so you could sit in your room and cry about Heather?

Christine.

Man, man. We came down here to have a good time.

You? You're fighting it. There's fun all around you.

Stop standing there like a bitch.

How is this fun?

This place is disgusting.

Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls, man.

Everybody's just drunk and looking for a fight.

You! You threw up six times yesterday. How do you even do that?

You guys just stay and have fun, all right?

I'm gonna go find something to do.

What, by yourself?

DeWitt and Robinson told me about this haunted swamp tour thing

that they did last year; they said it was amazing.

You see all these, like, floating lights and stuff on the water. Just--

You wanna leave all of this to go look at some damn lights in a swamp?

You don't have to come with me, Marcus.

Look, I'll see you guys back at the hotel.

Cool.

Man, wait up, wait up. Wait up, man. I'll go--

Marcus, no, go ahead and--

No, no, no. I'm goin' with you. It's cool.

Thanks, man.

Buddy, you're gonna be so psyched you did this.

I think I'd rather skin my own dick.

Right. It's official. Here it is.

No more chicks.

They're closed.

No. They can't be closed.

But indeed they are. There's a big "Closed" sign and it's--

You're still knocking. All right, this sucks.

It doesn't suck. It's gonna be cool.

For you, 'cause you suck.

Shut up!

What do you want?

Uh...we wanted to do a haunted swamp tour.

I don't do night tours anymore.

I'm not allowed to.

Okay, it's just that our friends told us that you did one here last year.

I can't do night tours anymore.

Insurance got too high... after what happened.

Too bad. Let's roll. - W-w-w-w-wait.

Uh, what happened?

Oh, you don't want to know.

I so do.

Here we go.

I led a tour group out in the swamp

last Halloween.

It was the midst of night.

Yeah?

And there was this kid

who looked kinda like you.

He got spooked by something in the marsh.

He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods.

Chilled him to his very marrow.

He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry.

And he had his foot

dangling over the edge. He--

He fell in? A gator got him?

What happened?

He slipped,

hit his head right on the roof,

and sued me for negligence!

That cocksucker!

That's it?

Try Marie Laveau. - Excuse me?

Two blocks east on Olive Street.

But you didn't hear it from me.

[birds squawking]

I have to go tend to my birds.

Be careful walking on the sidewalk.

Wh-whoa, come on, man, wait.

What?

It's dead as hell down there, right?

Fun party... bad badness.

Wait! Ben, this is so lame!

How is this gonna help you get over her?

Marcus, this whole scene back here, it's just--

Every hot, half-naked chick I see reminds me of Christine.

Y'know? Probably gettin' banged by that Bulkowski guy,

in her living room, bent over that beige loveseat that my mom bought her.

What happened to dating a normal guy?

That guy's got a neck the size of a truck.

And that whole cauliflower ear? That's weird.

What, is he gonna wrestle her to submission?

All right, stop stop stop, that's it. - All right, okay.

I don't wanna think about Bulkowski bangin' your girl anymore.

I don't either. I get it.

Come on, man, this is gonna be fun.

Guess there ain't no chicks at the swamp. Won't be needin' these.

It'll be fun.

'Bout as fun as crabs. - You would know.

Screw that waitress from Fezziwig's, man.

You did.

I didn't know she had bugs in her bush.

She was scratchin' herself all night.

What do you mean, you didn't know?

You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everybody knows that.

She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener, okay?

All right? I saw it, I asked.

Fabric softener. Look at you, mister big shot.

"Everyone knows that." When's the last time you got laid?

I have sex all the-- - Shut up.

Ladies.

This is really fun. - [Women] Whoo!

Whoa.

That's good. Good. Uh...

Uh...um...

Give us a kiss?

Ooh, yes.

Yeah, you love it.

You want it. You need it.

Oh, damn, I-I gotta change batteries.

God. Brush your teeth much?

Lick me, bitch.

No thanks, I like my tongue without the syphilis.

You're syphilis, miss big words.

Okay, that didn't even make sense.

Lick me. Misty, Jenna...

you can get along for a couple more hours, can't ya?

Seriously, Doug? I can't work with that.

I'm a professional actress. I went to NYU.

[laughing]

What's so funny?

Like anybody's ever even heard of that.

New York University? - Never heard of it.

Girls, girls, nobody ever got discovered by being difficult, huh?

I mean, I-I-I need you guys to show me the love, all right?

Fine.

I need to feel the passion here, all right?

We're rolling.

All right. I need to feel the passion.

We're rolling. [deep breath]

All right. You're sensuous...

You're playful.

You're curious.

[Both] Hmm.

You're smitten.

[roar]

[Man] Who's ready to do some hauntin', huh?

Hahaha. The night will soon be upon us.

The spirits of the damned are on the rise.

Let's get our souls on the move, my friends!

What can I do you two for?

Do you do a haunted swamp tour?

Why, I do the only haunted swamp tour!

Real, live ghosts.

Whoo. Tales of the macabre. [gasps]

And actual sites that are still damned by voodoo curses.

I hate you. Oh!

Leaving right now, 40 bones each.

Forty dollars? - Yes.

All right. Will you spot me?

Why? You don't have any cash?

No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.

I know, darling. Hello.

Hi.

Hi there.

How are you doin'?

Oh, my.

Oh, hey.

You mind if I sit here?

Be my guest.

Hello.

Hey. Oh, hi.

Uh...so...I guess I'm sitting here.

I'm Ben.

Marybeth.

Marybeth. That's a great name.

'Cause it's actually two names, you know.

Most people just have one, and that's kinda boring.

Ben. But Marybeth, it's--

you know, it's Mary and it's, uh, Beth.

That's a nice coat.

So do you have any pets or--

Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?

Yep.

Couldn't find anyone brave enough to do the ghost tour with you, huh?

Nope.

Right on. Right on.

Some buddies of mine back home went on this tour--

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't come on this tour 'cause I was hoping

that just maybe I'd get to meet you.

If you don't mind, I'd like to just sit

and stare out this window and get my $30 worth, okay?

[horn blares]

Hey, what the fuck?

Okay, folks, I am your tour guide, Shawn.

Just sit back and get ready to enjoy--

[Marcus] Uh, dawg? You don't need that thing.

It's, like, the size of a Mini Cooper.

[Tour group laughs]

Hahaha. See who laughs, eh, pukai?

Like a Mini Cooper limo, you know what I mean?

[Marcus] That's what I'm talkin' about.

I'm-- - I--

Oh, no, you-- - We--

We are so cute when we do that!

I'm Marcus. - Jenna.

Hello there.

Jim Permatteo.

And this here's the missus, Shannon.

How do you do?

Doug Shapiro. Nice to meet you.

Nice camera.

Makin' a movie?

Yeah.

Well, what do you know, lovekins?

We've got ourselves a director over here.

How exciting. What kind of movie is it?

Well, have you ever heard of Bayou Beavers?

Sure. No. - No.

Okay, everyone. If you take a look

out your right side, you'll see

the legendary Saint Louis Cemetery Number One,

uh, founded in 178, uh, 9,

this here's the resting place of the first black mayor of New Orleans,

Ernest Morial.

It is also believed to be the burial site

of the infamous voodoo queen Marie Laveau.

Haha, yes, sir.

Now, y'all notice how we bury our dead above the ground?

Well, that's because of all the voodoo curses in the air down here.

The dead have a tendency to rise out of the dirt,

so we like to keep 'em cemented in instead.

Shawn, excuse me, but we heard that the reason you bury them above ground

is because of the water level.

Oh, no. - That's right.

The water level is so high that sometimes things in the ground

will rise back up to the surface.

No, that's not why. But we heard--

I said no! [feedback]

All right, time's wasting.

Everyone onboard.

[Shawn] Scary bus to scary boat.

Everyone. - Watch your step, lovekins.

All right, all right, heh heh heh heh.

Hey there, hey there, all right. No time-- No time for dilly-dallying.

Gotta beat the rush. That's right.

All right, all right, comin' through.

Okay, gotta go, gotta go.

Dude.

That's the boat?

Okay, let's, uh, see something, girls.

[Both] Whoo!

[Doug] Okay, you're silly.

You're tough.

You're cute.

You've got a secret.

Come on, lovekins.

--look like she's old enough to be in porn--

Oh! [giggles]

That's it, all aboard.

All right, here we go. [engine sputters]

[Man] Hey! You there!

Hello!

Mr. Shawn, I think that man's trying to talk to you.

Oh, no, no, no. Heh heh.

Hey! Where ya think you're goin'? [engine sputters]

What's he saying?

Oh, that guy? Don't mind him. That's just Jack Cracker.

[Jack yelling] Jack Cracker?

Yeah, yeah, one of the local alligator hunters.

Just sits there, yells things.

Drinks his own piss.

He's, you know, cracked.

[engine sputters] Come on.

This swamp is closed!

[no audible sound]

Hey! The swamp is-- [engine sputters]

Victor Crowley!

What's he saying?

[engine sputters]

[engine starts]

Okay, okay, okay, here we go. Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack.

Everybody wave bye-bye to Jack. - Whoo!

[Tour group] Bye, Jack! Bye, Mr. Cracker!

Bye-bye!

You're all gonna die.

[burps] Oh, yeah. That's good.

[Shawn] Remember, you don't need to keep

all your fingers and toes onboard,

just the ones you want to keep.

Heh heh heh. That's right.

There's big alligators in these here waters.

Hey, now, check it out. Off to the left,

you'll see something you don't see every day, but I do.

Heh heh. Real live cypress tress.

Now here, what did the Spanish moss say to the cypress?

"Mind if I hang around?" Heh heh heh.

You know, sometimes I'll tell that joke in espa�ol.

[Mr. Permatteo] Hey there, isn't the cypress the Louisiana state tree?

[Shawn] I bet it sure is.

[Mr. Permatteo] Yeah, since 1963, the bald cypress.

[Shawn] Oh, now, only room for one guide

on this boat now. Heh heh.

Now, we're gonna move into a part of the swamp

with the scary ghosts, y'all.

I need everyone to be overenthusiastic,

or you'll wind up overboard.

Now, here on the Mississippi Bayou,

hundreds of fishermen and old pirates have lost their lives.

And if we're lucky, we might be able to see their souls

floating over the waters where they up and died.

Now, you all should feel very safe. - This is beat.

Come on, man, give it a break. This is fun.

'Bout as fun as a bag of dicks.

This is beat as hell.

Only thing scary is Uncle Remus meets Bruce Lee.

Feel like I'm in Enter the Song of the South or some shit.

What about your new girlie here, huh?

She all right.

But it's not like I'm pulling the ass on this stupid boat.

Okay, so lay the groundwork, set it up for later.

Like you and what's-her-face?

"That's a nice coat."

That was classic.

About as classic as-- It's about as classic as--

I got nothin'. - Exactly.

Now, comin' up, you'll all see a old house with a barn behind it.

That right there is the home of a real famous Louisiana legend,

Victor Crowley. Hatchet Face.

The legend is, is that he was a deformed man

whose own father went nuts and whacked him in the face with a hatchet one night.

Probably on account of he was so ugly or something.

Anyway, he died.

And so the story goes is that if you're ever near the old Crowley house late at night,

you'll still hear old Victor Crowley cryin' for his daddy.

Daddy. [gasps] - Y'all hear that?

Hmm.

[high-pitched] Daddy!

I done heard it again!

That ain't the story.

That's the gist of it, anyway.

It's not even the house.

Christ! Would you just let me do my job?

[shouting in foreign language]

Y'all try the crawfish yet?

I'm so psyched I did this.

That fade you had in high school.

What?

It's about as classic as that fade you had--

Too late. - What?

You still on classic? [sigh]

[Shawn] Are y'all ready to see something really scary?

Huh? Are y'all ready?

Everyone who's ready say, "Oh, yeah".

Okay, I'm gonna do it anyway. Here we go.

Okay, folks, I'm gonna shut the lights off for a second.

Once your eyes adjust, you'll be able to see some of the ghost lights,

just hovering above the water over to the right at Kwaj Island.

I don't see anything.

Uh, wait till your eyes adjust.

They're adjusted, there's just nothing there.

Hey, can we get those lights going again?

You're killing all my camera shots.

Jim, look! I think I see something.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, you see?

Not one but two ghosts! Yeah, I told y'all.

Isn't that just a chemical reaction from the water and the gases?

No, no, no, man! It's-- They're ghosts! Look!

Nah, bra. Those are marsh vapors. I've seen this on TV.

Hell, man, why'd you all come, then? They're ghosts!

Oh, you're right.

Except no.

[Guys laughing]

Damn it.

Now, uh, that's the spot where Captain John Donovan

supposedly buried a trunk full a treasure.

Legend says, though, that he left two of his crew behind to guard it,

but he cut off their legs so they couldn't run away.

That's a stupid story.

Fine.

[Woman screams]

Jim, did you see that?

I did. What was that?

Oh, it could-- it c-could be one of the more active spirits

we sometimes get after it rains.

Hoo hoo hoo, it's spooky, isn't it, folks? Hahaha.

[engine sputters, starts]

Okay, perfect. Perfect.

Hey, who wants to be in the Halloween video?

Ugh. - Come on, girls.

[Both] Whoo!

Okay, your "Whoo" is so not in the moment.

Yeah? Well, your nipples are dumb. Ugh.

This is pretty cool.

It's cold.

Not much of a talker, are you?

I ain't here to make friends.

Friends. Nice. Must be a local.

I just didn't know that locals did this touristy stuff.

We don't. - No, of course. Yeah. No.

Yeah, I wouldn't really do it either, normally.

It's just buddies of mine from college told me about it and said it was cool, so...

I figured what the hell, you know?

Check out the swamp. Enjoy the activity.

I'm gonna be honest with you right now.

I, uh, just got dumped by my girlfriend of eight years,

and, uh, my friends took me down here to try to get my mind off of it,

but, you know, I--

We were together since the seventh grade May Dance,

and, you know, she tells me she needs space.

What does that even mean in girl language?

Space.

Whatever.

Get my mind off of it. Just relax.

[Woman]- Jesus! [Doug]- Drive much?

What happened?

Oh, we just... got stuck.

Stuck? On what?

Oh, on some rocks or something. I don't know.

[engine sputters]

[grinding]

Uh, here. Someone-- Someone give me a hand.

[Shawn] Here. Help me push the boat off.

Is this a part of every tour?

Relax. It's all good. [thunderclap]

[Tour group chatters, squeals]

All part of the tour! [chatter continues]

Damn it!

Who are you gonna call, Daddy?

Shut up, you nasty bitch!

I would call the police and they'd send someone.

Who? - The cops. Duh.

The police are gonna send the cops.

They're the same thing!

No, they're not! There's a difference.

Nuh-uh. - Yuh-huh.

Whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies, I'll get us unstuck.

No need to be calling The Man.

Marcus, little help maybe?

This sucks. - [Misty] My hair!

[Mrs. Permatteo] They're half our age and they're all of them complaining,

every single one of them.

You just sit right back down over here.

Not very familiar with your stories yet, huh?

Shawn, how many of these tours have you done?

Oh, I-I-I've done a bunch.

Oh, Jim, this is a fine how-do-you-do.

Ew! My feet are getting wet.

[shouting in foreign language]

Are we sinking?

No! No, we're not sinking.

It certainly looks like it now, doesn't it?

Everyone calm down!

Th-this tree that we're stuck on goes all the way to the shore.

Maybe there's a road or a phone or something.

Oh, out here in the middle of nowhere?

Well, we can't stay here.

No, no, no, Jim, I think we should stay here and wait for help.

There's gotta be another tour boat coming through soon, right?

Probably not. It's raining pretty bad.

Lovekins, we can walk right across this tree to the shore.

No, no, it looks dangerous.

Damn. I could be at a bar.

[Mrs. Permatteo] You are not gonna-- No!

Here, watch me.

Oh, oh, Jim, wait!

[Tour group chatters]

[Mr. Permatteo] It's okay, don't worry about it.

Honey, come back here!

Okay, it's a little slippery, so you have to watch your step.

But I think--

Oh! [Mrs. Permatteo screams]

[screaming]

Someone help me!

Do something! Do something! - He's got my leg!

Oh, God, it's gonna take my leg off!

[gunshot]

[screaming]

Get him to the shore!

With his blood in the water, this whole place is gonna be a feeding frenzy.

Move! [screams, squeals]

Come on, everyone off the boat. It's sinking.

No way! I'm not going out there!

Oh, you're going out there.

[groans, screams] [thunderclap]

Jim! Is Jim all right? - He's fine. He's okay.

[Shawn] Put your weight on your left leg.

Okay. - Jim!

No, don't cry, don't worry.

[Marcus] It's all right, all right? Just come on, I got you.

Shh. Don't worry, don't worry.

[thunderclap]

Come on. Stand up!

I can't!

Honey, you need to stand up. It's safer the higher up you get.

I don't want to.

Come on, I got you.

Stand up! - I can't!

Misty! Mist! Look at me. Look at me.

You're gonna be fine. Just walk across.

Come on, I got you. [sobbing]

Come on! Walk across. We don't have time.

Come on! Hurry up!

[screams]

Whoa!

Come on! Get out of the water!

Get out of the water! [screaming]

Get out of the water!

God!

Where'd it go? [sputtering]

[grunting]

What was that?

[screaming]

Run!

Go, go, go!

Good going, jackass! - Hey, screw you!

You guys, we need to get out of these woods.

Gators can walk on land, too. Go!

But my hat!

[gasping for breath, coughing]

[Misty sobs] [Ben] Stop!

Slow down. Don't hurt yourself.

You all right?

Oh, oh, watch out, watch out, watch out.

[Mr. Permatteo screams] - [Marcus] Right here, right here.

Oh, my gosh!

Does somebody wanna tell me what the hell's going on?

Does someone wanna explain why Janie's got a gun?

Yeah, why do you have a gun?

Oh, why should I tell you, you little con artist?

[Marybeth] Huh?

Okay, okay, look.

I'm gonna be honest.

I just moved down here from Detroit.

My brother, he hooked me up with this touristy gig,

told me I could make a ton of dough, so I say try it out.

How many tours have you done?

More importantly, how many boats you ever driven?

Look, I did the one tour last night.

I did this one here tonight, all right?

The boat didn't sink last night!

I can't believe this.

What the hell does she have a gun for?

That's what I want to know.

Because I'm lookin' for another boat, okay?

My daddy and my brother went out hunting on this river two nights ago

and they never came back.

The cops said they're probably just off on a bender or something somewhere,

but I know that isn't what happened.

So you go on a ghost tour? How does that make any sense?

30 bucks for a boat ride was a hell of a lot cheaper

than gettin' my own boat, wasn't it?

That still doesn't explain the gun.

Yeah, and why her ticket was only 30 bucks.

I have a gun because these woods aren't safe.

Besides, it just saved his life.

[wails] Stop it! My husband needs help.

Look, we need to get him help and we need to get outta these woods.

Who made you the leader?

We should call for help and stay right here.

No bars. I hate the south!

I don't think we should move him right now.

Well, we have to! - He's bleeding

pretty badly; we can't carry him all the way home.

If we don't get out of these woods right now,

we're all gonna die.

What are you talking about?

These are his woods.

Whose woods?

Victor Crowley.

Enough with the stories already, huh?

Y'all don't even know where you are.

I already told you that-- [Ben]- All right, shut up.

Okay? You're not even from here.

Where are we?

It was like a dirty secret.

Victor Crowley was born horribly disfigured.

His daddy kept him hidden away in his house,

where no one would see him.

[axe thwacks]

They lived like that for years,

just keepin' to themselves,

alone.

Victor was scared to death of other kids.

They teased him and tortured him,

like kids do.

They were so cruel.

[Boys scream]

[Boys laugh]

And then, years later, on Halloween night,

some teenagers came to the house.

They were tryin' to get a look at him,

tryin' to scare him out of the house.

[screaming]

Mr. Crowley got home, and he tried and tried to get inside,

but the door was on fire. [screaming]

He could hear Victor screaming inside, but he couldn't get in.

[screaming]

So he ran and got himself a hatchet, and he started chopping at that door.

But Victor was pressed up against the other side, trying to get out.

[screams]

And it was an accident, but he hit him in the face with that hatchet,

and poor Victor Crowley died.

The old man became a recluse after that.

He never left his house,

just sat there for almost ten years,

before he finally died of a broken heart.

And from that point on, people started disappearing in this swamp.

All the locals and hunters say

that if you get close enough to the Crowley house at night,

you can still hear Victor Crowley,

cryin' for his daddy in the woods.

They say he's come back.

He wanders the swamp at night,

with that hatchet slash across his face.

This whole part of the river's illegal to even be in.

It has been for years.

That's why there's no other tour boats.

And that's why he brought us this way,

so he wouldn't get caught running his phony business.

That's why I came.

To find your father?

And my brother.

They started comin' down this way to hunt gators last week.

Thought they'd catch more, bein' the only boat in a closed-off swamp.

I told them not to come.

So you think a ghost got your family?

Okay, that--that is so stupid!

Look around. There's no one in these woods!

Yes, there is.

They probably got stuck, just like we did,

and had to walk the whole way home.

Right now, they're probably sittin' at a Denny's or something.

Moons Over My Hammy.

Besides, we are nowhere near the Crowley house.

Okay? I already told you,

it's on the other side of the river, over two miles ago.

That wasn't the house!

How do you know?

Because that is.

[thunderclap]

Look, I told you all the truth, okay?

I don't care who believes it.

You are really starting to freak me out, all right?

I just want to go home.

Tell me this is part of the tour.

Oh, yeah, I sink the boat every night.

It's hilarious.

I want my money back.

All right, okay. There's gotta be a road around here or something.

Shit.

I don't wanna go that way.

I'm not going that way.

If it's the quickest way,

then that's the way we're going!

Why couldn't you keep your stories to yourself, huh?

We're not in enough trouble

that you had to scare the pants off everyone, too?

I am trying to help you. Y'all need to know the truth.

Baloney!

All right, all right. Just-- You help me come pick him up, all right?

Come on. Right over my shoulder.

[grunts] Get up.

Be careful, be careful. Easy, easy.

You got him, man?

I'm right here, Jim.

Here you go. Easy, easy.

All right, everything's gonna be just fine.

Look, we'll get him some help and we'll all go home.

Stay close to me.

You're really scared of that story, huh?

I mean, look, it's just a myth. Everybody has 'em.

Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster.

Please stop talking. - Okay.

I cannot believe that I am out here in a swamp.

I bet Julia Roberts didn't have to do this

before she got Mystic Pizza.

Do you believe that Victor Whatever story?

Oh, absolutely not.

I don't trust anyone around here.

I mean, these people sleep exclusively with their own families.

Yo, why is it that the crackers are back there with the honeys

and we two brothers gotta carry the injured dude?

I am so sorry.

I never meant for any of this to happen.

I just want to get to a road,

then I'm gonna whip your ass.

Jim, how you doin', baby?

I'm so cold. It hurts like a son of a gun!

How much further is the road past the house?

I don't know. Few miles.

A few miles? Are you kidding me?

[faint, echoing whisper] Daddy.

Did you-- Shh.

[faint, echoing] Daddy.

I want to go home.

Oh!

You are all a bunch of cowards!

Is anybody home?

Somebody help us!

We need help!

Please stop. We shouldn't have gone this way. We need to turn around.

And go where? Back in the water?

[Marybeth] Please, just stop.

We need to stick together.

We need to stop him. - Come on!

Y-Y-You can't carry him all by yourself. [thunderclap]

I'm right here, baby. Everything's gonna be all right.

We don't need those loonies,

those cowards!

Stop! We need to stick together.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

We have the Good Lord with us, baby.

The Good Lord will protect us.

[roars]

Raahr!

Aah!

Aah!

Ohh!

Oh, my God!

Come on!

Stop!

Help us! Help us!

Aah!

Aah!

[sobbing]

Wait! Wait!

It's me! It's me! It's me!

Where is everyone? - I don't know.

We're over here. What happened?

They're both dead.

[sobbing]

But I shot him. [Misty]- You shot him?

But I thought he was a ghost! You can't shoot a ghost.

You can shoot a ghost?

Did you kill him? - I don't know.

He fell down. - God, this isn't happening!

W-W-Where's Marcus?

Up here.

What are you doing? Get down!

Don't-- No way. No way. I'm stayin' right here.

This is bullshit, man, this is fucked up.

What can you see from up there?

I can see ain't no dead Elephant Man comin' to get me.

Come on. Do you see a road? Lights? Anything?

I think I see downtown, but I don't know.

Well, how far? What direction?

That way. But it's far, way too far.

All right. Did you see a road or cars or something?

What kind of stupid shit, man?

It's dark, it's wet, and I can't see shit.

Wait. Where's Shapiro?

Doug! Hey, Shapiro, where are you?

Keep it down!

We need to keep moving.

We can't just leave him out here.

Then why don't you just run off and go find him?

That was mean.

Try your phone.

I dropped it.

You lost it?

Moron! - Shut up, skank.

Enough! He could not have gotten very far, okay? Let's go!

All right, Marcus, come on, let's go.

No way. No, I'm stayin' right here.

No need to panic, okay?

Just come down. We gotta go get help.

All right. We'll send someone for you tomorrow. Let's go.

Wait, wait, hold up, hold up.

I'm comin'. Damn it.

Not even supposed to be here right now, man.

Supposed to be lookin' at some titties, man. What's wrong with us?

Shit. How the fuck did I get up in this goddamn tree?

[thud]

God damn it, a branch hit me in the nuts.

[grunting] [branches breaking]

This is bullshit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

[strangled screams]

[Misty] If you shot him, aren't we safe now?

Maybe he's not a ghost.

Maybe-- Maybe he's just some sick, twisted backwoods hick

who, like, snapped and went on a killing spree.

Yeah, and now he's dead because she shot him.

Ugh, get your own theories.

Oh, God.

Some backwoods hick, huh?

Who says it's not some spoiled little city brat who went crazy

after doing soft-core porn to get back at her parents?

Okay, for your information,

I am from the Valley, not the city.

Victor Crowley is real.

My mama always said that sometimes,

if a person dies all traumatic-like,

then their spirit can get kind of just stuck in the night they died.

Like a poltergeist?

Like a ghost that can physically move things?

No, like a ghost who can rip someone to pieces

right in front of you.

I just wanna get the hell out of here.

You know what, Jackie Tucker?

Your tour sucks my ass.

What did you just call me?

You heard me. Say it again!

I'll say it all night, you fake Jackie Chan, Chris Tucker,

"I think I hear a little Emeril," you confused wanna-be--

Why don't you just get off my case, asshole?

It was an accident, for Christ's sake!

Okay, look.

I'm going to be completely and totally honest with you guys.

I, like--

Ooh, shit! - What? What?

Ah!

Marcus, come on! Come on!

Hey, come on! Shit!

Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

This isn't my fault, all right?

Oh, really? - Yes, really!

What, you think I actually believe

these stupid, lame-ass ghost stories?

Well, I'm believing it now!

Did you see that shit back there? - Guys! Guys.

I bet this means Shapiro was here.

[scoffs] What a genius.

You do know the vibrator goes in your cooch and not your ear, right?

Hey, why don't you suck your dad off again, bitch?

I will right after you're done.

Fine. - Good.

All right, anybody got a lighter?

What are you doing?

I'll show you.

Looking for this.

What else do we got here?

"Samuel M. Barrett?"

What's that?

Shapiro.

It's his driver's license.

What? - I don't know.

Credit card: Samuel M. Barrett,

ten bucks, condom, business car--

We got two sets here.

Samuel M. Barrett, Whitman Diagnostics Senior Marketing Manager.

Doug Shapiro, Producer/Director.

That asshole!

I flew all the way down here from New York, and he--

Ugh!

[gasps] So he really didn't work for Bayou Beavers?

I'm thinking no.

Dude must pretend he's a producer

to get his own little collection.

Good idea.

That pervert.

Why are all men such slime?

I can't believe I've fallen for that shit

three times now.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Anyone else have anymore secrets?

Because if I find out someone else is lying,

I swear I'll kill you myself.

I didn't really go to NYU.

It was my first choice, but I didn't get in.

So I went to Hofstra.

We don't have time for this.

I was moving to Hollywood next month to be famous.

And now I'm going to die with all you assholes!

Look, we shot him, all right?

Nobody's going to die.

[screaming]

Ah! Oh!

[screaming]

Will somebody shut her up?

He's still alive.

No, man, he looks dead as shit.

Not him...

Crowley. [gasps]

Okay, you only shot him, like, once, right?

Maybe you gotta shoot him more times.

Like, I don't know, four or six times.

Maybe you gotta shoot him, like, six times!

I wanna keep moving! Can we please keep moving?

I don't want to stay here!

We should stick to where we can see the river,

so we won't get more lost.

Shh. # [pop]

Did y'all hear that? - What?

It's over here.

What is that?

What is that?

My cell phone!

# I don't wanna wait #

# For our lives to be over #

# I want to know right now-- #

We have a signal.

Oh, God. - No, no, no.

It's a good thing. We can call for help.

No!

Shit, we just went in a huge circle!

I thought you knew your way around here.

Oh, said the fucking tour guide.

Hey, I don't want to hit you, but you're making it--

Shut the fu-- [ghostly breath]

[beep]

Okay, I'm gonna go check out that barn, see if there's a weapon.

There's gotta be something else to fight back with.

No, you can't go back to that house.

I only have a few shots left. We need something else.

What if it comes back?

We don't have much time.

All-- Stay here.

Cool. - Cool.

Do you have signal on that thing?

Come on. Go through.

We shouldn't stay here. We gotta keep moving.

Look, if it was ringing, it has to work.

Ew! Scott Barnes called me?

What? Will you just dial?

It won't let me.

[dialing] Work, God damn it.

I think he ate these things.

Aah!

Shh, shh, shh! What? What?

[sobbing]

It's my daddy and my brother.

No...

Are you sure the number is 911?

What else would it be, dumbass?

Well, how should I know if it's the cell?

Maybe you have to type in a different area code.

Oh, God.

What?

Don't move.

[creature mewling]

I said--

[thunder rumbling]

[whispers] Sorry.

[mewling continues]

I think we should run.

What if it's a person and they need help?

We'll apologize later.

[mews]

I think there's a kid in there.

You're crazy.

If it was that monster, we'd already be dead.

Screw this.

What is that?

Aw, hell, no.

I'm not walking over there.

What if someone's hurt?

If they're still alive,

they're doing a lot better than some people we know.

We just can't leave someone out here to die.

Look who grew a conscience.

Look, they might need help.

Why me?

Because you have a flashlight.

Fine. I get it.

I see how it is.

Let the brotha do it, huh?

I'm a man.

I'll walk over here.

I'm the man of the group anyway, because I whooped you.

All right.

[shriek] Oh, shit! Oh!

[all whimpering] Don't touch me, man!

Damn. All right.

See if it's a little baby in there.

Hey, baby.

You up in here?

[chittering] [mewling]

[chittering] Oh, man, it's just a stup--

[machine roaring] [all screaming]

Ahh!

[Shawn] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Give me--

No...

No! Please!

Wait, wait. No. No, wait, wait, wait--

Die, you motherfucker!

[snarling]

[choking]

Raahr!

Aah!

[panting] No!

Ow! Shit! Ow!

I think we're losing him.

Ow! Hold on! - No--

I can't run!

You have to! - What are you doing? Come on!

Shut up, you redneck twat!

Uh!

[sobbing] You...hit me!

Yeah, and if you don't shut up,

I'm going to kick your teeth out.

You cruel, stupid, slutty--

Guys, we don't have time for this!

[crying] I just want to make it stop.

Please, I just want to wake up.

We have to keep moving away from that house.

It don't matter.

This is his swamp.

He's just going to kill us all.

There's gotta be something that we can do.

He is trapped in the night that he was killed.

He's angry, and he is scared.

He's gonna mutilate anyone that comes near him.

What if he's human? What if he never really died?

That thing was never human.

Oh, shit.

Guys, battery's not gonna last much longer.

All right. Let's go, let's go!

Which way? - Um...

That way. - Raahr!

Uhh!

[sniveling, crying]

[Ben] Stop! Stop, guys!

Guys, stop!

This is useless.

He's just going to keep coming for us

until we're all dead.

We can't stop running.

What else are we going to do?

We can hurt him, ghost or not.

Look, you saw how fast he fell

when I stuck him back there.

He went down when you shot him.

I'm saying we fight back.

How?

Missy, you got that lighter on you?

Oh, you want to fight that monster with my lighter?

Look, there were some gas canisters back at the shed.

Were they full?

I don't know. Maybe.

Wait, you want to go back to the shed?

I thought the further we got from the house, the safer we get.

If we don't kill him, he'll kill us all.

You're crazy!

Man, you don't even know if there's gas in those cans.

I know it's a better chance than we have

running around in these woods, getting picked off one by one.

No, you're right.

Everything is soaked.

How are we going to start a fire?

If one of us can get close enough

to throw that gas on him...

We can light him up.

[laughs] You're all high.

No way. I am not--

Do you have a better idea?

No.

All right, let's do this.

How?

[whispers] Hurry.

Hey, buy me some time in here, all right?

Yell if you hear anything.

Ugh. - Okay.

Okay. - Okay.

Ooh. [shivers]

[twig snaps, rustling]

[rustling continues]

You see anything?

Nuh-uh.

[shriek] Ah!

[Ben] I'm okay!

[sighs] Oh, shit.

I don't like this.

It's too quiet.

All right, come on. Let's distract him.

Hey, asshole!

Come out! We're right here!

Yeah, come out and get us, Crowley!

Where are you?

Come on, you freak!

You look like you've been molested by wolves!

[Marcus] Show yourself, you ugly bastard!

Come and get me, Crowley!

What? You afraid I'm gonna whip your ass again,

you little bitch?

All right, come on!

One on one! Me and you!

I'll put my foot so far in your ass

you're gonna be pulling shoelaces out your teeth for a week!

[creak]

[sloshing]

You see anything?

Nothing.

Oh, shit.

Ben, get outta there! - Ben!

[Marcus] Hurry up! Get out!

Ack!

Ah! Oof!

Raahr! - Aah!

Uh!

Yes! Burn, bitch!

[yelling]

[thunderclap]

You gotta be fucking kidding me!

Now what? - No, just come on. Let's just go.

Ben.

Ben, you-- Hey, look at me!

All this bought us is time. Don't waste it.

Come on.

[heaving]

This way.

There's gotta be a path that leads into the cemetery.

Shit.

This is shit, man. - Shit.

Over here.

Oh, shit.

All right, let's follow this till we find an opening.

[Ben] There it is.

Thank God.

[roaring]

[screaming]

He's gonna kill me! Go!

There's a gate!

Oh, shit!

Oh! He got me!

Ow! Guys...

You guys are gonna break me in half!

[yelling]

[howling]

[sobbing] [coughing]

That was the only gate.

Aw, damn, man!

It's back into the woods.

No!

[bones cracking]

Run!

No! [Marcus]- Run!

Ow! Oh!

[crunching] Uh! Oh...shit!

[growling]

Come on.

Raahr!

[Marybeth whimpering]

Holy shit! Ow!

Come on.

[retching]

No, come--

[gasps]

No!

[coughing]

Mar-- [vomits]

Marcus!

[crying] I can't-- I can't go any further.

Yes, you can!

Come on! [sobbing]

I think I hear the river!

Please.

Come on. - No.

We're not going to die out here, okay?

Come on! [coughing]

No! No!

You'll get eaten alive in there.

Then where do we go?

Aah! [screaming]

Raahr!

[Ben] Get away!

Push against the pole-- Ahh!

Push against the pole with your knees!

[gurgling]

[sputters]

Come on.

[straining]

Ah. [tearing]

[whimpers]

[Ben coughing]

I got you. I got you.

Okay. Okay, okay.

[gasps]

That's my daddy's boat.

Come on. Come on.

Here.

Use this.

Hey. Hey.

Thanks...

for sticking with me back there..

No.

[crying]

My daddy.

And Ainsley.

Listen.

We're alive.

We made it.

I know.

Raah! [screams]

No!

Marybeth!

Marybeth!

Raahr!

# [rock]

# Blah #

# Blah #

# Bitch #

# Bitch, bitch, bitch #

# Sex, sex, sex #

# And don't forget the violence #

# Blah #

# Blah #

# Let us #

# Entertain you #

# Babble, babble, bitch, bitch #

# Rebel, rebel #

# Blah #

# Blah #

# Babble, babble, bitch, bitch #

# Rebel, rebel #

# Everybody sing along #

# Blah #

# Blah #

# No #

# Everything has been said before #

# There's nothing left to say anymore #

# When it's all the same #

# You can ask for it by name #

# No #

# Babble, babble, bitch, bitch #

# Rebel, rebel, party, party #

# Sex, sex, sex #

# And don't forget the violence #

# Blah, blah, blah #

# Got your lovey-dovey sad and lonely #

# Stick your stupid slogan in #

# Yes, yes, yes... #

# Are you motherfuckers ready for the new shit? #

# Stand up and admit it, tomorrow's never coming #

# This is the new shit #

# Stand up and admit #

# Do we get it? #

# No #

# Do we want it? #

# Yeah #

# This is the new shit #

# Stand up and admit #

# [slow jazz]

# Babble, babble #

# Bitch, bitch #

# Rebel, rebel #

# Party, party #

# Sex, sex, sex #

# And don't forget the violence #

# Blah, blah, blah #

# Are you motherfuckers ready #

# For the new shit? #

Subtitles by LeapinLar