Original subtitles

It's not like that. It's an exaggeration.

He has just got a certain success with the ladies.

That's all.

I'm not having it!

Out! I can't have this!

In my own house? I can't call it my own. My own house! Out!

I am a schoolteacher, and I have to concentrate!

Out!

Need a steadying influence, that's what.

That's what we need in this house, a real steadying influence.

A monk!

There must be monks or older men who are accountants...

poor old men in sexless professions.

"Just come to London? Nowhere to stay?"

And glad of it we are! No trouble, us monks.

Or some young lady, looking for a clean home, in clean surroundings.

Just watch where you're treading.

- After kicks? - Trampling eager.

- For a fall. - I'm bound.

- It's all happening. - It'll end in tears.

And no prince charming with a barrow.

- Drugs. - I'm bound to disappoint.

- Pupils of her eyes. - Look at her looking.

I know what she wants, and it isn't the YWCA.

Hoping, that's what she's doing. Hoping for being debauched.

- Bound to end in tears. - Innocent eyes of blue.

What her legs are walking her into.

- London? - Yes.

Lovely.

The guest book. Please restrict your comment to one word.

My chair!

- My chair! - My hair!

What am I going to sit on?

And there are gonna be some changes made.

What was that, Colin?

Can you spare a moment, Tolen? I don't mind about the chair.

- I realize they've got to sit. - My hair!

- You what, Colin? - Not now. I can't talk now.

Have you something to say, Colin?

It was only a comment. This is neither the time nor the place.

- Got a woman yet, Colin? - I knew you'd say that.

Shut up.

Shall I show you, Colin? Shall I advise you?

- Women like to be dominated. - Keep your advice to yourself!

Certainly.

The motorcycle is, I consider, their god, I find.

- Is it? - It's merely high spirits, really.

- Merely? - Every lane's a speedway.

I blame the internal combustion.

- They rule the streets. - I'd rule them. Conscription.

She'd regret she didn't wear a safety device.

I feel for her chest, that's my feeling.

- They've ruined the sea for me. - I'm bound.

Legs up, all up the road.

- I'm bound by my age. - Skirts up, showing all.

- Where? - Where?

- Who? - Where?

Out all night and then a windy ride on a motorbike.

- I think not. - That's no behavior.

Out!

Brown. You're all brown. Look at your hall.

- I had to make a start. - Thank you. Out!

Sick and tired of brown next to green. I hate green.

- You'll like it when it's done. - If I'd known you was a secret painter...

When it's finished.

- Was you leaving an address? - For you?

- I was not. - No more men.

Some young lady, looking for a clean home with clean surroundings.

Just come to London, nowhere to stay, and glad of it they are.

Of course, I haven't got a daughter. Silent night, so it doesn't affect me.

If you ask me, they're a new brand of person altogether...

with their image they give.

If that's all they can say of the hand that suckled them...

I'm glad I'm on my last left leg.

They're creeping back, the streets are full of them.

- The streets are full of them! - I blame the army.

- It's all strip and look big. - What has the cartoon come to?

They do make better soldiers for it. Some blame the army. I don't.

Which army?

National Service made a man of me, taught me the value of the belly laugh.

- I blame... - Shut up.

I blame the teachers, if you ask me. That's my opinion.

They have no conception, the teachers, really, I think.

It's all milk in the schools now, isn't it?

- I blame the National Health. - I failed milk.

They should have more tighter teachers, who've seen the world.

I've seen many a foreign part.

Throw out the milk and bring back the belting, I advocate.

That's what I froggle.

Charlie!

Come on up, Charles, and give me the blackguard.

The YWCA?

- Is it? - They're not in.

- Windsor, are they? - What?

- Tart, is it? - No, I'm looking for the YWCA.

- The YW... - Not here.

We've never seen you before. Never.

- He's been posted for his mother. - Try the orderly room.

- Are you dancing? - S'cuse boots I am, darling.

Haven't been west for a twelvemonth. So, I'm going ginger.

- Married, are you? - No, I'm still young.

Your best plan, I suggest, is the orderly room.

Only we're in our bearskins.

The YWCA?

Can't help you, love. I'm on the bottling.

- In the schools... - We walked eight miles.

- I walked 12 miles. - Kip, milk and biscuits.

Can you wonder they're screaming out for roughage?

We walked 20 miles barefoot to save dad's boots.

- Excuse me, the YWCA, please. - First right, second left, straight across.

- Can't miss it. - Thanks, awfully.

That's not the YW.

We are here today...

- It's up. - She's in.

Is it announced?

Here, at the heartbeat of a great nation.

- Here today, great... - Well-served by the finest.

We walked 30 miles with gun and camera.

- Great, great. - They're trained for it.

Heritage in motion.

God bless her sale and all who bought it, and I'm in labor.

The angle of incidence is equal to the angle of reflection.

The angle of incidence is equal to the angle of reflection.

- The sine of the angle of incidence... - The sine of the angle of incidence...

divided by the sine of the angle of refraction...

divided by the sine of the angle of refraction...

is constant.

Is constant.

- Not that simple, is it? - Sir? That hurt, sir.

You steaming nit, sir.

Yes.

Served the little bastard right.

No, no! In this beautiful school?

You see, I tried to be unsympathetic, because it's wrong. Isn't it wrong?

I'm a failure.

- I never get it where I want it. - I don't think they'd rape me.

- Do you? - I don't know.

- Yes. I mean, no. Why? - Best place is tight and hard...

between the eyes on the bone where it hurts.

I'm usually just off. Never get a bang-on shot.

- Off? - Rape.

Exchange teacher out at Camberwell. Part-time actress.

- I had a beauty once. - Actress?

Your class. She said you have no control.

Skipping ricochet off a desk lid right up his nostril. His left one.

No, I tell a lie, his right nostril.

Half an inch of yellow chalk vanished from view.

- Very satisfying. - The way your class was behaving!

- My class? - Their behavior...

Her class was doing the behaving! My lads are made of flesh.

All that leaping up and down in those... That's what I behavior!

That's provocative behavior!

We've all got to make allowances, find our equilibrium.

At every turn, how?

I thought I would never see such purity of pattern, absolute rightness.

I must please you, and I think I can. Don't fail me now.

Or I'll never be able to trust myself with a woman ever again.

Try it on.

I'm sure. I know, absolutely, I can please you.

Show me.

Wait for me.

I thought I would never see such purity of pattern, absolute rightness.

I must please you, and I think I can. Don't fail me.

Else I shall never be able to trust myself with a woman again, ever.

Try it on. I'm sure.

I know I can please you. Show me. Wait for me.

I thought I would never see such purity of pattern, absolute rightness.

I must please you, and I think can.

Don't fail me now.

Because I shall never be able to trust myself with a woman again, ever.

Try it on.

I'm sure. I know, absolutely, I can help you.

- How much is this coat, please? - Show me.

Wait for me.

If I should see this girl...

Should I come across?

Perhaps, would you show me? If... Tolen!

Why aren't you in school, Colin?

- Isn't it nippy? - No.

Free period and a half day for me while they have sports.

I don't find it cold. You don't eat the right food.

- It's not that, Tolen. - It's about that spare room.

- You've at long last decided to let. - Listen.

How can I get a...

How can I get a woman?

- Want advice? - How?

- The right food is important. - It's not that, listen!

If I should see this girl, listen, should I come across...

Would you show me?

- You mean, how I get women? - Yes.

- Yes, I mean that. - But you haven't even started.

- The right food. - The right food doesn't...

It's of the utmost importance, of the essence.

One's body needs protein and energy.

Yes, but look...

I find that with my perhaps unusual sexual demands...

my body requires at least twice the normal daily intake of protein.

I won't need that much, will I?

- Protein! - No.

You could do yourself damage. Stoke up the fire, block up the chimney.

- Have you got a piece of paper, Tolen? - Cheese, eggs, milk, meat.

- I drink about four pints of milk a day. - I want to get it down!

- I eat a pound of steak. - Steak.

Needn't be the most expensive. Cheaper cuts have the same value.

- For instance, skirt. - Skirt.

- Skirt. - Is that it?

Cheese, eggs, milk, meat, skirt.

- Is that it? - What?

- How you do it? - Skirt is meat.

How, though? How?

I could tell you what I know intellectually,

what my experience has been.

But beyond that, it's intuition.

- And intuition is, to some degree, inborn. - "Intuition is, to some degree, inborn."

Intuition is, to some degree, inborn.

But the feeling can be developed with experience and confidence.

In certain people, to some degree, a man can develop the knack.

"A man can develop the knack."

A man can develop the knack.

- Look at women. - Yes!

- I can't hear you! - Women.

Not individuals. Just types.

That last one had very nice earlobes.

Earlobes?

- How do I acquire the knack? - Yes, how? The knack!

Now, first you must establish contact.

Yes! Contact?

- I'm busy. - No, you were telling me.

- Establish contact. - Yes, and I'm not referring to touch.

- Not to touch. - Tactile communication.

- But that comes later. - Touch comes later!

Excuse me. I mean, there's a feeling between you.

A feeling!

- You're aware of her. - Aware!

- The girl's aware of you. - She's aware!

- There's a vibration between... - Vibration!

Hold on! It's fine for you with this job.

I don't get this in the common room. Wait, tell me!

Stop! No, don't stop!

The knack! You haven't finished telling me!

Tolen! I've wet my trousers!

You know that you need help? You do know that, don't you?

Yes. I mean, obviously, yes, I need help.

Help!

Tell me, how many women have you had?

I was late starting.

- Two? - Late!

Two women in two years.

Some of us have had more women in two hours.

Late starting!

I have a suggestion to make to you.

A suggestion which I think you'll find interesting...

and will help you very much.

- I've been soaked. - It's an idea I've had.

Here, my bed.

Do you think it's any good, me getting a bigger bed?

- Two women in two years. - Late!

Now, I'm cramped in that bed. Will you shut the window?

- Your bed is ample for your needs. - I'm gonna get pneumonia.

- But future plans? - As you know, I have a number of friends.

- Yes. - Men.

They can help you as I can help you. I was thinking of Rory McBryde.

- Rory? - McBryde.

- The window! - Rory McBryde is a man.

A clever man, a gifted man...

a man I can respect, who knows many things.

Rory McBryde was doing things at 13 that you haven't ever done.

Things you don't know about.

- What sort of things? - In a moment.

- Has he got the knack? Or these things? - First, let me tell you my idea.

Look, I really do need a bigger bed. Don't I, really?

I have a number of girlfriends.

Regular girlfriends, regular women, women I regularly make.

- These things... - Rory has a number of regular women, too.

Not quite so many as I have, but several.

Rory and I were talking, comparing notes, and we decided it would be a good idea...

if we saw each other more often, even live near each other.

Perhaps in the same house.

- What, here? - Share our women.

Share?

Of course, Rory realizes it could be dangerous for him.

- He might lose a few of his women. - He wouldn't want that, would he?

I mean, it's a big house.

Rory is well aware that in the long run he will profit by the arrangement.

He will learn much from the women who have been with me.

No.

- No? - No, not that spare room.

That spare room needs a steadying influence.

I would consider letting you come in on this arrangement.

- Sharing? - You'd learn a great many things.

- What sort of things? - It'd be a privilege for you.

No.

I feel you deserve to be helped.

Look, couldn't I just share...

- Do you think he will? - If I ask him, he will.

No, I don't think so.

You'll like him. I'll tell him to call round.

Perhaps not, it's a dirty room. Needs a lot of work on it.

I wouldn't like any friend of yours... It needs redecorating.

It's no place to share women in and things.

Look, what sort of things?

The bed! The bed's terrible.

He could not do...

He could have my old one when I get my new one.

Rory McBryde has got a six-foot bed.

- He wouldn't find mine big enough? - No.

Couldn't I just share your women?

You don't want him rampaging through the house...

all over the place with women and things.

A house full of women and sharing and doing things that none of us...

ever dreamt of doing before!

No. I could not. I couldn't stand the pace. Really.

I'm not fussy about letting that room because it's always as well having a spare.

You find it very useful to avoid clashes on the stairs, don't you?

- No. I couldn't stand the pace. - Rory has a Chinese girl.

- Slinky. - Slinky.

Chinese, very slinky, very nice.

- Do very well for you. - Chinese?

I'll tell him to call round, look at the room.

No. I couldn't stand the pace.

Not two of you. I couldn't.

I burnt my hand.

- Colin? - No!

- And a Swedish girl. - Swedish?

Swedish.

No! I couldn't stand it. It would drive me mad.

Two of them? The stairs would be on the continual go.

All those women. My blood's not up to it.

And what about the bathroom? You'd never ever get near to the bathroom.

That's not a gross exaggeration.

I'm not having it.

Having it.

No!

I'm not having it. Having it. No!

Having it. No!

Having it. No! I'm not having it!

Having it. No!

No Rory in my house.

One is enough. One lot of women is enough for any house.

If a job is worth...

A job is worth nothing these days of jobbery in high places.

- Look at the Cabinet. - You can't get a good cabinet for love.

They don't seem to have the same pride in their craft they used to have.

Craft has been flung out of the window. It's all the human body now.

I adore a piece of wood, its feel.

I hope I always get a kick from the feel of a length of wood.

- Homegrown loans for self-improvement. - He's making improvements all the time.

Two houses in every garage by 1970. You can't say fairer than that.

- Of course, it harbors rats, you know? - Jerry-built. Pardon my French.

There is mastery in a job well done if you have a way with tools.

- A good workman never blames his... - I do. I blame the screwdriver.

- I like the twist of a good screw. - I'm bound.

You can't get a good splinter these days.

The art's gone out of it. It's quicker by tube.

I'm bound to ask for a good finish.

I say...

- Shame to hide a good screw. - Workers' Playtime.

She took off her wooden leg, and she put it on the mantelpiece.

Then she took out her glass eye. Well, I'll never see the like again.

That is indeed a job.

- I can't get out. - I can't get in.

- But I feel better. - Is Rory there?

There. Rory. I sent him round.

- In? - There.

Out!

- What's he look like? - Tell him I'll be there.

Never mind.

Small, vigorous, balanced, sensitive in his movements, painting...

Painting? Doesn't sound like Rory.

What the hell are you doing in Rory's room?

Who's this?

- It's not? - No, it's not. That window's filthy.

- I'll wash them. - You've let the room.

- Tom. - Colin.

The door was open, and I saw it was brown...

and I thought I'd get stuck in right away before you said no. Just once.

- Your sign. - "Room to let."

- I'll take it. - I hope you'll be happy.

- Look at this filth. - Tolen.

- I'm going to wash the windows. - I've got some Windowlene.

Got it.

"Wipe it on, Windowlene, wipe it off, window clean."

Washing with water and polishing with paper would have less electrostatic action.

Would repel dirt more efficiently. Try the other half. Go on.

- What? - The other half.

You do realize that in order to clean the window you have to wipe off the cleaner.

The white stuff has to be polished off the window.

- He's not going to leave it on. - You can't leave it on.

"Wipe on sparingly with a dry cloth, then wipe off immediately."

You're not gonna leave that stuff on.

It's as good as net curtains, only better.

- Net curtains? - You should paint your windows white.

White reflects heat. All right when the bomb drops.

- What? - Okay when the bomb drops.

The YWCA?

The YWCA.

YW-YW-YWCA. Martin's Grove, West 2.

It's for me.

Eighth of December.

Albert Hall.

Rory McBryde.

I'll tell her.

Don't you ever let me catch you in here again.

Sorry.

- What's this? - Brown. I can't bear brown.

This.

- What? - I have a friend coming down the stairs.

- I have a friend in Newcastle. - This furniture...

Doesn't impress me.

She won't like clambering over furniture.

If she was an elephant, that would impress me. Tell me she is.

After being with me, a girl doesn't feel like clambering over furniture.

After an elephant, neither would you.

- Are you a homosexual? - No.

Thanks all the same.

- Tolen! Hold on! - Would you come this way, sir?

Tolen!

I'm glad I didn't put my stockings on.

That damn stuff in the passage, you'll have to move it.

He can use the window.

- I said, move it. - I'm not having it in here.

- I'm not having it in the passage. - I'm not having it in here.

When you take a furnished room, you take the furniture as well.

- Not that. - What's wrong with my furniture?

I'm not having it in here, that's what's wrong with it.

If I were you, I'd take it to the market.

I beg your pardon. That's my furniture, and I'm not having you sell it.

Typical Rory McBryde trick, that.

We can put it on the top landing.

- Outside my room? - No. Inside your room.

- I hoped you'd be a steadying influence. - That furniture...

- How long? - What?

How long did you take this time?

- Did you? - How long?

- Did you time me? - Did you time yourself?

It's the bed, isn't it? That's what does it. And did you? Have you?

- No more than 10 minutes. - 10 minutes!

It's the bed. 10 minutes!

Do you think I'm so crude, so vulgar, as to time myself when I'm at a...

- 10 minutes. - How big is your bed, Tolen?

Ten minutes from wink to blink, from start to finish?

From hello to good-bye?

Ten minutes. You're sliding, man. You're slipping. You're letting us down.

You can do better than that.

Faster, man, faster. You've got the capacity.

- No. He's got a six-foot bed. - Listen, Tolen, four.

Dreams, I've got for you.

Four minutes. Four minutes from start to finish.

Get it down to four minutes.

Yours is quite big, isn't it? How big is your bed?

The four-minute mile. Like the four-minute mile.

Heroic. Think. A new series in the Olympic games.

British native and all-comers record.

Yes, and then by discipline, by training, by application...

three minutes 59 seconds, three minutes 55, three minutes 50.

And then one day, one unimaginable day...

three minutes from start to finish!

- Excuse me. The YWCA, please. - Yes.

Then take the first turning over, then once more around left.

There you'll find it.

- Is it nicer faster? - Nice?

- Nice, that's not the point. - I'm getting a new bed.

- What's Tolen's first name? - He says he hasn't got one.

- Not got one? - Well, he never uses it.

Look, I want... I will want to bring my old bed down.

- If he never uses it... - My bed downstairs.

- He must have it. - There's too much stuff in the passage.

Why do you want to bring it downstairs?

I'm getting another, a bigger one, six-foot.

- Through the window. How big? - Vast.

I know where there's a big bed.

That?

No. I want something sexy, quilted, with a very loud noise.

A lilt of Irish laughter?

If you like. I just don't see meself in a cast-iron bed.

One mustn't be misled by apparent metal fatigue.

I'll take it!

And it's twice as big as Tolen's, almost.

- I'll take it. - I should. It's musical.

How much? I don't care. I don't care how much.

Hark at that.

- You want it? - I want it.

At 13, were you promiscuous?

Weren't all of us, more or less, sexual failures?

- Tolen isn't a sexual failure. - He needs it five hours a day, he says.

Then he can't be a sexual failure, can he?

He can't be a sexual failure.

He can't be a sexual failure, having it five hours a day, can he?

- And it's bigger than Tolen's. - Is it?

He can't be though, can he?

There. Chat her up.

- Speak to her. Ask her the time. - No.

Ask her to lend you six pence.

No. You. I want to buy my bed.

Off to the flat.

- The YWCA? - Yeah.

How much?

- Here? - What? No.

I'll ask if anyone has seen it.

- Will you take it? - Yes. I'll take it.

Have you seen it?

- Have I seen what? - The YWCA.

She wants...

- Through the streets? - Yes. Through the streets.

- Would you like a lift? - A lift?

- I can't bring it round. - To the YW.

Yes. Is it on your way?

We'll take it. We'll have it. I'll have it.

- We'll walk it. - Certainly, it's on our way.

Where is it?

She's coming to the YW.

With that bed?

That's not a bed. It's an Edwardian trampoline.

- It's a bed. - No. Isn't it, Colin?

- No. It's my bed. - It's a bed.

With wheels. It's wheeled traffic.

- Wheel it away. Come on. - Wagon, ho!

Mods and rockers.

My bed!

There's not a bus route in London free of its share of youth, vice.

Hand back the city to those with their fair share of legs.

They'll do anything but use the good feet they were born with.

- Anything but walk. - Mine's the same.

They'll settle.

I wouldn't be seen dead on a bed, from a personal angle.

It's a young man's game.

I mean, I'm broad-minded, but a bed's place is definitely in the home.

- Definitely. - We have our own sleeping arrangements.

Mods and rockers.

See that?

Just a minute. I'll be back.

Excuse me, sir. You're wanted on the other fern.

It's all initiative now.

I don't personally subscribe to that sort of program.

They'll answer in court.

I come from Hampton Wick myself, so I'm used to innuendo.

- There's no national heritage anymore. - No. It's all on the National Health.

I was never given the opportunity...

to so much as breaststroke before I was sent to sea...

and I'm much better for it.

What's the most frightening building in London?

Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children.

I believe you're right.

What's that?

Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children.

That's nice. That's true. That's a nice thing to say.

Do you think so?

- I've been picked up, haven't I? - Have you?

Yes, I have, haven't I?

Like a howdah.

- A what? - Howdy do!

Like on an elephant.

You know, the Indians keep elephants the way we keep cows.

It's true.

I always wondered how big an elephant's udder was.

My God. Imagine it swishing round and round.

In Walt Disney's early films, there were cows and the censor cut the udders out.

Yeah, so he put brassieres on them. Imagine.

Jersey cows wear brassieres, it's true. Jersey cows wear brassieres.

There's something wrong there. Cows shouldn't need brassieres.

Human beings need them because they stand upright.

They used to go on all fours, and they hung downwards, vertically.

Now they stand upright, and it puts on this terrible strain.

All right. All right, but it's true.

- That wouldn't arise with elephants. - I wish you'd push more and talk less.

Showing off.

- I don't show off. - And you do.

- Wait till Tolen sees my bed. - Tolen?

- Yeah, you won't like Tolen. - No.

- I like who I want to like. - Good. You won't like him.

- She might like Tolen or Rory. - Come on. Up.

How can you tell when an elephant's been in the fridge?

He leaves footprints in the butter.

- You knew. - I don't.

- I've heard it before. - Don't show off.

Look! Your end!

- It'll never go. - It will.

- I do, sometimes. - Never.

- You're not! - I am!

My leg! I hurt my leg.

She's in there.

I know she's in there.

I recognized your voice. You've got my daughter in there.

I recognize her voice, too. Raves. You havin' raves?

- Has it become one long rave? - I won't say any more.

Just get your clothes on.

I've just... I don't live here.

- You're the one. - The one?

She's in there.

- Did you want someone? - With Rory McBryde.

Does he live here?

- What, you don't live here? - No.

- All right for my daughter. - Does she live here?

- You trying to be funny? - No. I don't live here. Shall I get them?

- She's never out of there. - Is it a friend? 'Cause the door's blocked.

You first introduced her to the hemp from the Orient.

- Me? - She comes home full of it.

- Shall I get them? - With Rory McBryde.

- Tolen? - Tolen?

Dear. You're right. Wrong bloke.

I can't keep track.

- Well, you're not them. - No.

I don't think so. I don't know him.

Whatever you do, don't let them force you to submit to the hemp.

- Good afternoon. - Right, then, Mr. Hemp.

We were just a-chatting about you. Cold enough for you?

They don't like that, you know. They must hear that 20 times a day.

If you do see my daughter, you tell her Rory's got a bigger bed.

Where's Colin?

Look out!

- That hall. - My leg.

That bloody hall!

- Look. I've hurt my leg. - I can't get up to my room.

I can't get in the front door.

- What about my leg? - I don't care about your leg.

What about access?

You can have that. You can have access.

Just got to do a bit of climbing, that's all.

Should be a sparkle, see your girlfriends climbing over that.

I told you about that mess in the hall, didn't I?

The thing is, you don't impress me.

That mess.

- What mess? - You made a mess...

- Jack? - No.

- I mean that bloody bed. - Don't swear.

- Just come off the boat, have you? - See Colin about the mess.

It's his house, mate. It's not yours.

Now, Colin. Tell him I want access.

- Lions. - Lions.

- Lions. - Must you be so childish?

- What? - Colin!

Want to know how they train lions to stand on boxes?

- Access, Colin. - I'll tell you how they train them.

Now first, you must have a box. This bucket.

Look. Now, imagine that this is the limit of the cage...

the bars.

- Must you be so childish? - Childlike.

Now, the trainer takes his whip. Whip. Whip.

No. We'll do without a whip. A lion. Must have a lion.

Who'll be a lion? Anyone. Anyway, he takes the box in his left hand...

and the whip, imagine the whip, in his right.

And he advances on the lion. And he drives, "Back! Back! Back!"

To the bars.

This is a critical moment, when the lion realizes...

that he must leap at his attacker. Otherwise, it'll be too late.

The trainer recognizes the critical moment.

So at the moment the lion rears to attack, the trainer draws back...

and the lion, no longer threatened, drops his forepaws...

and finds himself standing on the box.

Do this a few times, you've trained a lion to stand on a box.

Colin.

How did the box get there?

- You've still got it in your hand. - The trainer puts it there.

- When? - Look. Here, look. I'll be a lion.

- Makes you feel sexy. - I'll be a lion.

- All right. - And me.

If I roared into something, it'd make more resonance.

Look, that's the lion's box.

This, then.

- You can't have that. - It's all right.

- Yeah, yeah! - Roar!

You should wear a carrier bag more often.

You're exciting him. Don't you realize he's a desperate man?

Just a minute.

- I'll be trainer, then, shall I? - All right.

All right, ready?

Back! Come on! Back!

Just think what you could do with a real whip.

A real whip.

Some tea. Some tea you've indicated.

I hurt my head.

Put it through the wall.

Colin?

Come on.

- Come on. - Kettle's boiling.

Colin, throw that carrier bag away. Away!

Shall we get the bed straight?

The YWCA, that's where?

- Where is it? - Address?

Martin's Grove, West 2.

Where's that?

I'll get the map.

- Thanks. - That's all right.

- Thanks. - Don't mention it.

I'll get you some tea.

You've got Chinese eyebrows.

Chinese eyebrows. Very clear arch, very delicate.

- Have I? - Have you got a mirror? I'll show you.

- What's your name? - Nancy.

- Nancy Jones. What's yours? - Tolen.

Tolen? Tolen what?

Tolen.

I see, like Mantovani.

- Pardon? - Like Mantovani.

Nothing Mantovani, Mantovani nothing.

- Would you tell me what you mean? - Have you not heard of him?

He's a conductor. He conducts.

- Is it your surname or your Christian name? - Surname.

- What's your Christian name? - I prefer not to use it.

Why?

I don't use it. I have no first name. I never use my first name.

What's the matter? Is there anything the matter with you?

No.

- Why are you so nervous? - I'm not.

You look nervous.

Me, nervous?

- Do I? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Nothing.

- What's the matter? - It's...

- Well? - It's...

You are nervous, aren't you? Very nervous.

- Why don't you take your coat off? - I don't want to.

- My dear, you will take it off. - I don't want to.

- Why don't you want to? - It's...

- Yes? - You're looking at me.

- Am I? - Yeah.

- How am I looking? - I don't know.

How am I looking?

- Yes? - What I...

- What? - I don't know.

- What? - I feel...

You feel funny.

Don't you? Go on, tell me. Go on, tell me.

Don't you think you'd better find a Catholic girls' refuge?

I'm not a Catholic.

You'll find the address in any ladies' lav, any railway station.

How do you know?

There was a little piggy before there was an elephant. That's true.

And this little piggy had two great big front teeth that stuck out.

However, there are certain advantages in being big.

You can eat off trees and things, like horses.

- For you, this is remarkably incoherent. - Really? Thanks.

This creature got big, and it grew an enormous, great long jaw.

So that it could scoop up vegetation.

An enormous jaw, seven-foot-long, you can imagine.

As big as a door.

Now, a seven-foot jaw involves certain difficulties...

in getting the food from the front of the jaw to the back.

It had to use its upper lip to shovel the garbage along.

- You watching, Colin? - The upper lip began to grow.

It grew so big it began to do all the work...

and the creature didn't bother about the jaw.

As you know...

- Why don't you look at me? - I can't.

- As you know... - Why can't you?

What?

As you know, any organ not in constant use atrophies.

The jaw began to shrivel and shrivel, and...

And so, drop off.

Not that you need worry about anything like that.

Come on, why?

- Why, then? - I'll laugh!

- Why? - You'll make me laugh.

- Why? - You will.

- Will I? - Yeah.

Come on, then. Look at me.

Look at me.

Laugh, look at me, laugh, look at me. Laugh, laugh, laugh.

All right, Colin, she's all yours.

- What? - You have a try.

- Me? - Yes.

Has Cardiff got big docks?

- What? - Has Cardiff got big docks?

- What? - Welsh.

- Welsh? - Aren't you?

- Where did you say the YWCA was? - Wales?

It was the name, "Jones."

Is it far?

- Pardon? - Is it far?

No, no, not very.

- 27 bus. - I'm off.

And as for you, Mr. "only-one-name," Mr. "no-name," as for you...

- My Honey. Give me my Honey. - You want your magazine?

- You see, it's not difficult. - That's it!

I need this room, Tolen. Stay out of this room!

- The bed. Shift the bed. - Shift it yourself!

We'll shift it.

- You'll shift it! - Please!

All right, the best place for it is outside Tolen's room.

- No, please, I want it in my room. - He wants it shifted!

- What am I gonna sleep on, the stairs? - Why have you got such a big bed?

Because.

I want another one, that's why. I wanted another one.

A bigger one. You know.

Because it's more comfortable. And it's just in case.

And to me, it is very important that I can always put up my married cousins.

Come on, then.

No one's going to rape you.

No. Girls don't get raped unless they want it.

Want it?

I'm sorry about what happened. It was very clumsy.

- That's right. - It was because they were here.

The clumsiness, I mean.

- Was it? - In a way, yes.

Do you believe me?

Please, believe me.

- It doesn't matter. - It does matter.

It matters very much.

It matters very much to me.

How sweet you are.

Such a sweet face. Such sweetness.

Come upstairs.

Come.

Come up.

Come upstairs.

- Where is he? - Who?

Tolen.

I've got some records upstairs.

You'll like Thelonious, he's very deep. Very satisfying.

You'll like his music.

I'll play you some of his records upstairs.

Not in my house.

- What? - I'll come, too.

- You will? - I'll come.

- Where? - To find it.

- What? - The YW.

Why don't you go and look for the YWCA?

- You're coming, aren't you? - Well...

- Come on. - What about the cases?

- Cases? - I can't go without them.

- He'll look after 'em. - Who will?

- He will. - Me?

- Where are you going? - I'm going out.

- Yes, I'd like a walk. - So would I.

- The cases? - You stay here.

Why should I?

- You could stay here. - Why?

Who'd look after the cases?

- He can. - Who can?

- Tom can. - He's got his painting to do.

- Can't they just stay here? - No, I need them at the YW.

There's no YW up there.

I'm not having my house turned into a common boarding house.

You don't know what you're coming to, striding forth.

That's it. The thing is...

Get those walls clean. A nice dusty brown throughout.

- And there's no mixing on the stairs. - Are you coming?

- To the YW? - Can't just you and me go?

- Well... - Well?

I don't think I really...

- You said you did. - Did I?

- What about the cases? - Why don't you go?

- Me? - If you're going, why don't you go?

- Let's go for a walk. - What about the cases?

- Why don't you carry them? - Her?

- Yeah. - She can't carry them.

- She's already carried them here. - She can't carry them!

Why don't you carry them?

- I want both hands free. - Smooth, dear.

- Where are you going? - Anywhere.

- Do you want to? - Do you want me to?

If you want to, yeah.

- Are you going to the YW? - Maybe.

- Can I come, too? - What about the cases?

What?

Stay with them, Colin. Stick with them!

- How does Tolen do it? - He hasn't, has he, yet?

- What? - Done it.

Come on.

- The cases. Come on! - I'm coming.

Come back! This is bound to end in tears!

Come back here!

Stop it. You're touching me. Keep off.

Keep off. Do you hear?

Don't touch me.

All right?

Now. Now, then.

What is it? What do you want from me?

What you tryin' on? What you trying to do?

Smarty mister. You smart, Mr. Smarty? You think...

You think you're all right. You think you're pretty clever.

You do, don't you, Mr. Smarty, tight trousers?

Mr. Tight Trousers. Mr. Narrow Slacks. You think you're the kit, the cat's.

I'll show you, Mr. Tight Trousers.

Just you don't better come near me, do you hear?

Just you don't better come near me. Just you, well, come near me...

Mr. Tight Slacks. Mister... Come near me. Come near me.

Come near me! Come! Come!

- Did she... - I never touched her, did I?

- I knew it'd end like this. - You know I don't need...

- How many women have I got? - Didn't think you'd go this far.

Surprising.

- Well, is she dead? - Dead?

- She's not. - It's been my constant fear.

- I knew this would happen one day. - She's not.

Why not relax, know what I mean? You're so carried away.

- Feather. - You know how it is.

- She's not. - It's happened.

- Did you touch her neck at all? - No, not round, no.

See if there are marks of violence around the neck.

I have this fatal knack.

- Me? - Contusions.

Me?

I don't like that sort of thing.

- Breathing. - Warm was she?

That's right.

- Was she breathing? - I don't know.

At least she's decent now.

- Wasn't she decent before? - That kind of girl?

- The pulse is the thing. - Have you had dealings with the pulse?

- She was disgusting. - Kiss of life.

She'd enjoy that.

- You. - Me?

- Feel her pulse. You attacked her. - I did not. Did I?

- I didn't, did I? - I didn't, did I?

I haven't got the knack to make a girl lie on her back in the rain.

It's not raining.

The same thing happened to a friend of mine...

in Chatham Royal Naval Yard.

Both were wafted away in an ambulance.

- Both? - You didn't go, Tolen.

Not me. It'd take more than that.

No, he flaked out. He was in the navy.

- Both of them were. - She's not dead.

Hold it under her nose.

Pulse. I can't find a thing.

Have they got it in the same place as us?

- Feather? - Perfect. Yes.

- Feel her heart. - You feel it.

I'll not feel her heart.

- Tolen! - Feather, yes.

- She's still warm. - Doesn't mean a thing.

- She's not. - She would be, wouldn't she? Warm.

I've been raped.

Raped.

- Raped. - Good. She's all right.

- Raped. - You see? You see what happens?

I didn't, you know. I did not rape that girl.

- I mean, me? I ask you, now, is it likely? - Raped.

- I've had 'em in queues. You've seen. - Raped.

- Flash birds in all manner of rousy gear. - Rape!

Lock her up. That's my reaction, because she can get into trouble.

- Not me. - A cup of tea. Hot, sweet tea.

Soon forget her rape nonsense, and you can get the knack again.

- Rape. - You don't know the fears.

- It's been my life's fear. - Get a gag on her and lock her up.

My bike. My bleeding tires!

- She must be stopped. - That'll have to be pushed.

- They'll be ruined, those tires. - Stop her.

Rape.

Now, listen, let's talk about this bike.

Rape.

- Get out. - Let me have a word.

- Hand. Get... Good. Back, back. - Over the... Hold on, hold on.

- They're almost human, aren't they? - They're very good.

I hear they're all doped to make them perform.

- Look at the lovely bears. - They do look so funny.

They don't.

Don't leave me.

Ra...

Just tidying up the park.

Rape.

- Rape. - Not today, thank you.

- Rape. - There she is.

Rape.

Faster. The four-minute mile. Get it down to four minutes.

Rape.

- Rape. - My God, my records.

She's breaking your records. The thing is, you must take it like a man.

Not Thelonious.

Listen. She's stopped.

Now, let's look at this objectively. Some tea.

You'll feel better after a nice cup of tea, I'm sure.

I can hear you. Plotting who's next on the job, aren't you?

I'll get the tea on.

- Now, then. - Rape.

- My dear girl. - Rape!

- This all... - Rape!

- This is all... - Rape.

- A fantasy. - This is all a fantasy.

Rape.

- Starkers. Bare buff. - Let me see.

- Get back. - Fantasy.

- She was never raped. - 10 years, and I'll sue you for paternity.

- The tea, the tea. - Get in there and rape her.

She's got nothing on.

- Me? - Right, go on, Tolen.

She wants you to rape her. That's what it's all about.

So go in there, help her out of her little fantasy...

and all will be well.

- But why me? - It's your room.

And you have got the knack.

- I used to have. - Satisfy her.

She wants raping, so go in there and rape her.

I'm not being done twice.

She must be examined now by a confident, competent physician...

now, before she gets raped.

These persons have raped me.

- How do we know? - You, yeah, before we arrived.

You don't believe that, do you?

Very nasty situation here. Dear me. Yes, very nasty.

Particularly vicious and so criminal.

Yes, that's it. Positively criminal. They ought to be told.

Somebody should. I shall phone 'em.

The police, Scotland Yard. Whitehall, one-two-one-two.

Rape, rape, rape, rape.

Come on, Tolen.

- Why don't you, then? - Indeed, I can't.

I've got this bone in me leg.

No, I'd love to help you, but...

Here, what day is this? It went clean out of my head.

I can't get involved raping girls today.

December 8, Albert Hall. I want my suit.

- What? Your suit? - Certainly. The mohair. Excuse me.

Very good. In you go.

And while you're putting it on, you can help with our...

Just a minute.

Listen, my girl. Shut up. Now, then...

Just shut up.

There you are.

I know you've got nothing on underneath that. Now...

You need a firm taste of...

You just listen to me. I was there all the time.

And I saw it all, as a matter of fact.

I can assure you that you have not been raped, as it were.

You're bound to say that, aren't you?

Yes. So you can go home and feel intact.

- It was you. - Me?

- It was you raped me. - No, no.

- You're making a terrible mistake. - You'll get 10 years. Clothes.

- On. There's a good girl. - I'll report you. Clothes.

- Clothes? - Tore them off me.

- No. - Where are they, then?

- Where? - In your house.

I can explain.

No one would ever guess.

- Lust. - That face.

- Lust. - Little did his pupils think...

- Little did his pupils think... - Shut up!

- And you never can tell, can you? - That face. No girl would ever suspect.

- No? - But underneath, lust.

No, never.

Little did his pupils realize that beneath the handsome exterior...

of their tall, fair-haired, blue-eyed schoolteacher...

there lurked the heart of a beast...

lusting for the blood of innocent virgins.

Little did they... You wait'll you see the Sunday 'zette.

Have I really?

What?

Got a handsome exterior?

Lovely hands.

All right, love, feeling better?

Come round if you feel like it.

Albert Hall. It's informal. Just a small gathering. A few friends.

Women friends. Rory McBryde and I have many friends.

In a manner of speaking, it's a reunion.

Most of our girlfriends will be there, you know, in the guest book upstairs.

We needed a large hall.

Of course, not quite so many as me...

but a few.

It's a get-together, you see? Feeling better now, then?

You see. Nobody raped you.

And...

You can get some clothes on, and I'll...

Colin did her. Raped her.

Never.

He's a sexual incompetent.

- What's that? - Not good at it.

No good? Get on. He's marvelous. He raped me.

Now, then! Now, then, you've not been raped.

- I have. - Never, no.

He's rugged.

And handsome.

Now...

Will you come round?

Get some... And come round. Have a drink.

I'd like you both to meet Rory, if you feel like it.

- Tom. - And lovely hands.

- And he raped me marvelous-super. - Now, come on!

That...

Why not? Think I couldn't?

- Yeah. - Shut up.

Adieu. I am not incapable. No, no.

Go on, out. I'll show you.

I didn't really, but I'd love to.

- I mean, I did, didn't I? - Yes.

You don't know one end of a woman from...

Could you fill the Albert Hall?

It's exaggeration.

I mean, Rory's got these friends, that's all. I've got one or two regular.

Not as many as Rory, but...

Don't you feel tired?

I mean, after all that rape?

I feel, you know...

- No, how do you feel? - You know, sort of funny.

- Not nervous? - No.

- Go on. - What?

Keep asking me. Ask me what else I feel.

- Look at me. - Yes?

- You make me laugh. - And me.

Tom, excuse me.

- Colin? - Upstairs.

Is she moving in?

- I imagine so. - I see.

Yes.

Do you approve of that sort of thing?

Laugh, then.

Laugh?

Yes, laugh.

Go on.

It would be lovely to see you laugh.

There's a time and place for everything.

That's what I always say, and I always keep my place.

This is neither the time nor the place. Mods and rockers.

I've kept my eyes open on that washing line.

And it's not all what you'd expect three lads to wear...

which makes suspicious reading, to my way of thinking.

- She's moving in. - I'm bound.

- Got the whole idea from television. - Very bound.

He's living with her. I mean, she's moving in.

And not married, either. They're living together...