All language subtitles for Scary.MoVie.2013.720p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

I just don't want
to make one of these tapes

if it's something you do
with every girl.

Every girl? No, no.
I am strictly a one-woman guy.

Well, I don't want to end up
all over the Internet.

I pride myself on keeping a low profile.

My private life is private.
Hm.

Wait. I thought you never did this
before. What are all these?

Oh, uh, just some movies I rented.

"Me and Brandy, Missionary"?

A tale of two girls who become nuns.

"Me and Brandy, Doggy"?

The sequel. The nuns
adopt a chocolate lab.

What are all those?

Oh, that's just your standard

home security setup.
Basic run-of-the mill.

No big deal, nothing too elaborate.
Everybody has them.

And why do you need security cameras
pointing at your bed?

In case a burglar tries
to steal my sex tapes.

Now, let's get into bed.

Let's just make this quick.
I have a court hearing in the morning.

Judge Henderson?
No. I wish. Thompson.

Mm. That's going to suck for you.

It was a driving mishap thingy.

Do me a favor.
Promise me you won't drive.

That's sweet.
You're worried about me driving.

Mm-mm. I'm worried about me.
I'm a pedestrian.

Ow!

Sorry. That's my sobriety monitor.

Ow!

Sorry. Sorry.

Ankle. Tracking bracelet.

Oh, wait. Wait. Sorry, just...

Who put that on you?
I did.

It's the only way
I can have an orgasm.

Not tonight.

What are you doing?
Huh?

Just... warming up.

You sure we're alone here? Feels like
there's somebody else in this house.

Did you hear that?

That's nothing.

OK, what is that?

Just... unraveling the old hose.

Save it for tomorrow, Raul.

Si, senor.

Wow. That was amazing.

Charlie.

Wow.
Get out of here, Emilio.

Charlie, I'm scared.

Lindsay, sweetie,
there's nothing to be afraid of.

Hey, I got the stuff.
I got to call you back, man.

Ow!

I think I better go.

Really? How about tomorrow? You busy?

I'm going to blow you
across the room.

Sounds awesome.

And thus our story begins.

The large reward offered
for the rescue of Charlie's kids

drew the attention of police,
private detectives

and Red Cross volunteers.

Everyone was on high alert
for these children,

except these two guys.

No, man, Obamacare gives senior citizens
access to cheaper drugs,

free preventative care, and it closes
the Medicare Part D loophole.

And how does that help if I get
shampoo in my dick hole?

What?
Mean to tell me you ain't never got

shampoo in your pee hole?
OK.

Maybe like once or twice.
Yeah, once or twice

when you was playing with yourself.

No, I wasn't playing with myself.

I was showering,
and crazy got up in there.

Bullshit. Cam Newton's
law of gravity is:

That thing must be up
in order for that soap to go down.

Well, either way,
that shit stings like hell.

Sting like a mother, man, it feel
like it's a hornet up in there.

And he found out his girl be, you know,
doing her thing with another man.

Exactly.
I don't understand why

the shampoo company
can't fix that, man.

They got "No More Tears."

Why they can't make no more
hornets in your dick?

I don't really think they expect you
to use the No More Tears on your dick.

Well, why they call it
Johnson & Johnson?

I got a better question, man.
What the hell are two stoners doing

wandering around
these spooky-ass woods?

Look, it's going to be worth it.
I told you... this is Humboldt County.

This is where all the growers
grow their bomb-ass shit.

You think they're gonna be cool
with us just helping ourselves?

Look, man, we ain't taking no plants.

We're gonna snip a few buds.
You know what I'm saying?

It's gonna grow back
just like a lobster paw.

You know, that's how nature do.

I don't know, man.
Just doesn't feel right.

Man, they ain't gonna care.
Look, man, we're gonna be cool.

We're gonna roll one blunt,
then we're gonna get up out of here.

Just one?
Just one.

They won't care, huh?
Man, just keep running.

Holy shit. Is that a drone? They're
going all Zero Dark Thirty on our ass.

Yo, I think they gone.

Oh, whoa. It's a cabin in the woods.
We need to go hide over in there.

Nah, man, I'm not going in there.

It reminds me of a horror movie
I once saw.

What horror movie?
The one with the cabin in the woods.

Friday the 13th?
No.

The one with the cabin in the woods.

Texas Chain Saw Massacre?

No, the one with the cabin
in the woods.

The Ring.
Uh-uh.

The one with the cabin in the woods.
Blair Witch Project.

No, man, the one
with the cabin in the woods.

The Munsters.
That wasn't in the woods.

They wasn't even a damn movie.
Look, man,

we ain't got time
for this shit right now.

We need to get to that cabin
in the woods.

What the hell is that sound?

Sound like the house settling.
It looked new.

I'm gonna take a look around.
Go ahead.

Ah! What is that?

Ah!
Oh!

Where we shooting?
There.

Where?
The dark!

There?
No, this dark.

Over there.

Dude, what the hell was that?

Big-ass Alaskan king crab
just ran up on me, man.

Crab? Cuz, we banging?
Ja'Marcus,

put the guns down, man.
Put yours down first, homey.

All right, on three. One, two, three.

Damn.
You want to try it again?

Sure. One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Uno, dos, tres.

Man, we could do this shit all day.

Truce?
Truce.

Hey, yo, D'Andre. Look, homey.
It's two little girls.

They're little racist girls, man.

Wearing blackface. Cool with that?

Hey, little girl, what's your name?

What'd she say?
She said, "I wonder what your leg

tastes like."
What? Ah, man!

Little spider girl bit me.

Maybe you're going to get superpowers.

Ain't no black superheroes.
I'm on it.

' Hi-ya!

Yo. D'Andre, I think they're
the missing kids from the news.

How can you be so sure?
Look.

I don't know, man.
Well, if it is the missing kids,

I'm gonna take that reward money,
and I'm gonna buy me

a yacht, fill it with cash,
bitches and a shark.

Why would you want to buy a shark?

Trust me... we're gonna need a shark.

No, this can't be right.

Hi, Mom.

I got to call you back.

No baby, no baby, no baby, no baby.

You're pregnant...
No!

...with anticipation over
the outcome of this iPregnancy test,

which has determined that you are...

You got to be kidding me.

Oh, no.

Not pregnant.

You dodged a bullet, you lucky slut.

Thank you, God. Sweet!

Great news:
They found my brother's kids.

Oh, crap.

We're very fortunate
the older one, Kathy, has retained

most of her vocabulary.

The baby hasn't actually said a word.

Why not?
Because he's a baby.

They've been alone here
over three long months.

I need to warn both of you
that this is not going to be easy.

I'm ready for it.

Hello.
No, no. Wrong window.

Here's where the children are.

- What is she doing?
- In order to survive

their extreme isolation, the girls
created an imaginary guardian,

a parent figure to feed them,
sing to them. They call her Mama.

But these may help you break through.

And the Ritalin may help, as well.

The proper dosage
for someone their age is...

Wish me luck.

Hey, Lily.

Oh, how cute.

OK.
Kathy.

It's OK, Kathy. Remember these?

You used to wear them
to help you see better.

No, no, no!

Maybe we should get her
some contacts... the soft kind.

Daddy?

No, sweetheart. Not Daddy.

I'm your Uncle Dan. Remember?

And this is Jody.

Jo...

Jody.
No pause between "Jo" and "dy."

Jo...

Dan, we're at an impasse.
I see constant conflict.

It's fine. They'll warm up to you.

Oh!

Hey, hey, hey, little lady,
that's not how...

You little mother...!

Well, everything checks out.
They seem like good kids, Doc.

Just validate our parking.
We'll take them home.

Folks, I wish it were that easy.
You don't validate?

I'm saying the kids
are not yours to take.

Well, you can't win them all.
Let's skedaddle.

That's not fair. They're my brother
Charlie's kids. We deserve them.

Do you? Your wife plays in a punk rock
band, staying out all night long,

high on drugs, sleeping with
a different man every night.

I don't think the courts
are gonna look upon that too favorably.

But...
I was just messing with you.

The kids are yours.
They are?

Did you hear that, honey? They're ours!

On one condition. This house is owned
by the Institute for Case Studies.

Every room is fully wired with cameras.

If you move into the house,
you get the kids.

Can't we just sell the house and put
the kids in a high-end orphanage?

Jody, do you really think
you're out out to be a mom?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Of course she is.
Dan!

Now, no more rock band,
no more silly wig.

It's not silly. It's all a part of me.

And no more tattoos.
What are you doing?

What I had to.
We're a perfect suburban couple.

And so Dan and Jody headed to
their new house with their new children.

But, like a slutty sorority girl
returning from spring break,

they were also bringing home
a hidden evil.

All right, kids,
here's our new house.

And here's Uncle Dan.

Hi. Don't forget about mommy!

Dan, I'm not their mommy.
They can call me Aunt Jody.

Or Jodes, J-Mom, Mrs. Sanders.

Or, if they really want
to call me... Garage!

Here comes Jody and Aidan,

entering the house
for the very first time.

This is where we're going to protect you
and make sure nothing bad...

Oh, my God, Aidan!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Maybe we should put him in the carrier.

There, see, that's better.
Come on, Aidan. What, what, what?

Relax, it's OK.
Oh, my gosh.

Dan, I lost the baby!
What?

Oh, my gosh, Aidan!
Aidan, where are you?!

- Aidan!
- Where did you go?

Oh, there he is, OK.

Here's your sister Kathy.

Oh, Aidan, it's OK.

You've just got to talk
in a baby voice.

It doesn't even matter what you say.
OK.

I'm your stepmommy.

I'm not your fricking mommy.

There you go, you're a natural.

What's that smell?

Oh, my God, what do I do?
Oh, oh! Here, this, hold on!

' Uncle Dan!

' Kathy! Oh, sorry, Ow!

All right, there you go, sweetie.

Is it chilly in here? I felt it
as soon as I entered the room.

Feels fine. Hey, what are these?

This is interesting. What is this?

I don't know, Mama drew that one.

Look, we drew this picture for Aidan.

See? It's Aidan
on a rocket to the moon.

Oh. Sitting on a rocket.
Where's Lily?

Oh, no, sweetie, the other end.

Ooh!

Let's go introduce Aidan
to the rest of the family.

Oh, and there's
our furry family member.

- Yes, Maria.
- No, Dan, Artie.

Oh, yes, of course, our dog Artie.

Ay, the new baby. I make blessing.
Oh.

OK, OK, that's good, Maria.

Oh, my gosh.

With three new kids
to care for,

Dan really needed
to start performing at work.

Unfortunately he was having
some issues with a colleague.

OK, Caesar, this is
the one, I can feel it.

Eighty-one seconds? Oh, Caesar.

That's your worst time yet.

You're doing even worse
on your creativity test.

I mean, look at all the imaginative
things I made out of blocks.

Like this awesome plane.

Dan, do you have any results yet?

Oh, well, I've been injecting
the primates twice a day

with the I-13 intelligence drug.
I'm hoping in a week or so...

I hope Caesar is not just
a big waste of time and money.

I'm the one responsible to the board.
Just show me one thing positive.

Look. They still throw their shit.

But now they can keep score.

We have to kick-start this thing.
When can we go to human trials?

We're close, but there's
an intermediate step.

If the I-13 works
on these reality wives...

You better check that shit.
Who gonna check me, boo?

We're pinning the future
of our lab on wild beasts.

They're not beasts.

They have feelings, they have families.

Males pee standing up,
females pee sitting down.

These apes are just like you.

And me... you and me, blacks and whites.

More like whites, of course.
We whites are a lighter shade of ape

whereas you are bla... dder infection,
we're all at risk.

So, what were we talking
about again? Vaginas.

Shut up.
Yes, of course.

Caesar has got to show some human
intelligence at that board meeting...

Caesar's probably smarter
than half of those board members.

Dan...
I know what you're going to say.

"If he's so smart,
why is he in a cage?"

You're in the cage.

What?

Oh, you're looking for this?
Uh-huh.

It's my ballerina doll.

You made this?
Mama did,

using twigs, moss, spiderwebs,
sparrow bones, lizard eyes,

all held together with rat droppings.
Oh, geez.

Ah, ah, ah. What... what are you doing?

I just can't deal with these kids.
They're creepy.

We should just take 'em back.

Maybe you guys just need
to find some common ground.

What about that ballerina doll
Kathy's always playing with?

I don't want to talk about the ballet.

I saw what the ballet did to my mom.

She became obsessed.

She even danced the swan
while she was pregnant with me.

Boo, ray, boo!
Shh!

Shh. Hell. You better sit back
before I punch you in your damn throat.

We're trying to enjoy the show.

You go on... shh... shh me again.
I double-dog dare you, hell.

Better ask somebody who I am.

Whoa!

Got it.

Mom was never the same.

That's unlikely
to ever happen again, ever.

Just give it a shot.
Look what I found earlier.

I mean, I know
it's just a local production.

But could be something for you
and Kathy to talk about, could be fun.

You really think so?
Yes.

Well, I suppose I could check it out.

OK. But the minute it becomes
too difficult, I'm giving up.

That's the spirit.

Even though Jody
only returned to the ballet

to connect with the girls,

as she got closer she couldn't help
but get excited at the prospect

of becoming the Swan Queen.

This season we open with "Swan Lake."

As you all know, this piece
has the most challenging

and demanding role in all
of ballet... the Swan Queen.

Sizing up her competition,

Jody knew the battle
would be a tough one.

The white and the black.

Fortunately we have with us
prima ballerina and the lead

in my last 146 productions...
Heather Darcy.

Ah, the seasoned professional.

The still brilliant,
crusty, old, weathered,

leather-faced elder statesman of ballet
to whom these young girls,

less experienced,
more beautiful and delicious,

but still very raw ballerina hopefuls,
look up.

Show these far more desirable children
how it's done, huh?

Music!

Try that thing where you are skipping

and you hop and you spread
your legs a little bit.

Look at that form,
that technique.

I'll never be that good.

I'm Jody, by the way.

Kendra.

Are you going to try out?
Me?

Oh, I don't know.
I mean, I like to dance, but I just...

I don't like to be the
center of attention.

OK, who's next?
Oh, food.

Huh?

It is as if I am seeing ballet
for the first time.

That's not ballet.

The passion, the sensuality.

An ass that makes you want to
crawl inside and take up residence.

I can show passion.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh.

Jody certainly had
her work cut out for her.

That Kendra chick was smokin'.

Do you accept euros?

Kathy, Lily, Aidan?

Jody? Ah!

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.
I'm fine.

It was on the floor.

Ah, probably a screw loose.
I'll fix it.

I feel like there's
something in this house.

Like what?

Like I feel hot, clammy,
foul-smelling breath on my neck.

You need call psychic.
Kill bad spirits.

Ugh.
No, Maria, enough of this stuff.

OK, then I do blessing,
I protect house.

Honey, you really need to relax.

You're just stressed out
about the children.

No, it's this house. I... I feel it.

And Maria's a little off. I mean,
honestly do you really trust her?

Oh, honey, don't worry,
she couldn't hurt a fly.

Look, you have a big day
ahead of you tomorrow.

Let's just get you some sleep, OK?

Love you.

I don't believe this...
our whole house ransacked.

You leave the house unattended
with the doors unlocked

and look what happens.

They didn't take anything.
It's just vandalism.

Every room except
the kids' rooms was trashed.

So you suspect the kids?

It was Mama. Mama did it.

She hates this house.
She hates you.

OK, Maria, this is camera.
Necesito filming.

Thank you for helping me
clean up, sweetie.

Oh, hey, been looking
all over for this thing.

Still got it...

I'm sorry! God, help, honey!

Maria, honey, help! Geez!
Maria, put the camera...

Oh, look at this.

Mom coaching me
when I was a little girl.

Aw...
Always applying the guilt trip.

That got me the lead.

Look, Maria.

Maria, look what I found. What is this?

Oh, uh, that's... a new type
of electric toothbrush.

Vibrations knock the tartar
off your teeth.

- Look, a whole box of toothbrushes.
- Whoa.

This black one is huge.
OK.

And look, here's a double-sided one.
All right.

And one that I can strap on to my face.

Nope. Put that over here.

Uncle Dan, what is this?
Beaded floss?

That's grown-up floss, honey.

Graffiti!

Did you see this?

Who does that?
What are we...? Maria.

Maria, por favor.

Miss Jody, Miss Jody,
you call this man... Mr. Blaine.

He helped my sister.

This is a psychic.
Si, he'll help you.

No, what we really need
are more security cameras.

Uncle Dan. You know, these toothbrushes
look an awful lot like dildos.

Ow!

This is fun, Mama.

You're still awake?

All right, listen, guys, it's just us

until Uncle Dan comes back
from the hospital.

I don't like it,
you don't like it, I don't like it.

Now go to sleep. I have to be up
early for ballet tomorrow.

You really like ballet, don't you?
Yeah, but I don't want you to go.

Why?

Mama says you're going
to have an accident.

Oh, OK. Is this the same Mama
who trashed the house?

Basically, yes.

Don't go in there.

I wasn't going to.

Just don't.

It's my house, I can if I want.

I wouldn't.

Would.
Wouldn't.

Would, too.
Would not.

You know what? I'm the adult.
You're not the boss of me.

Don't.

I told you
not to let anyone in!

And so Jody was...

Oh, my God, I just smelled that.

It just got to me, yeah.

And so Jody was...

Oh, no, I... I'm sorry,
you have to excuse me.

I got to get some fresh air.

The next section
should explain itself.

All right, attention.

I do not wish to repeat myself.

I repeat, I do not wish
to repeat myself.

I require the sweater
I wear as a scarf.

Ah. Comfortable, huh?

Mm... Mother, please, I am working.

All right, because Heather Darcy
is so old, this season

we will have a new Swan Queen,

and that person is Jody Sanders.

Now, Jody, show us your routine.

No, I'm the Swan Queen.

Watch me. Ah...!

As I was saying, my choice for new...

Her?! Anyone but her!

You might just as well
have picked the janitor!

Me?

Ira, please, not now. OK.
What?

Yes, it was a difficult decision,

but I have always been
attracted to Jody.

How could I not? She has
the body of a fifth-grade boy.

But in the event that she
is unable to dance,

I am naming as her
understudy Kendra Brooks.

All right, that's lunch.

Ooh, this is a nice house.
I'm gonna go find the girls.

Kathy, how did you know I was going to
have an accident today at the ballet?

Mama told me.

OK, well, how did Mama know
I was going to have an accident?

Oh, there you are.
I found this bandage on my head.

Dan, please. I think there is something
going on in this house,

something about this Mama.

I'm gonna call the psychic
Maria told us about.

Jody, do you really
think we need a psychic?

Uncle Dan, come here.

Coming.
I want to show you something.

Uncle Dan, Mama taught me some tricks.
Look what I can do.

- Oh, wow, that's really good, honey.
- Dada.

Good Lord.

Uncle Dan, look at me.
Evil spirits.

Look, Mr. Dan, look.

Isn't that one of Jody's bathing suits?

You're facing something our
human minds cannot imagine.

Mama.

Let's get you in a robe.

Do you want to hear
about the ballet today?

Mama's helping us get ready.
Oh, OK, I'll brush, too.

Hm. Where did my toothbrush go?

Hey, we don't lick our balls
in this house.

Sorry, won't happen again.

Try as she might,

Jody just couldn't seem
to connect with those kids.

Or get the taste of that
toothbrush out of her mouth.

Was it just eight-year-old teen angst,

or were there otherworldly
forces at work here?

Baby.
Hm?

Babe, I heard something.
What?

I think there's someone in the kitchen.

See? There's nobody down here.

There it is again!
Right there. Go look.

Jody, calm down. See, there's nothing
to worry about. It's just...

Oh, God! Geez!

Dan, I'm calling the psychic!

Ah! Make the call!

Blaine Fulda, professional psychic.

Hi, I'm Jody.

Indeed you are.
Yes. And this is my husband Dan.

Your payment as requested.
$500 in unmarked bills.

And of course, you know Maria.

Hola, Mr. Blaine.
Hi, Maria. How's your sister?

Dead. Demon kill her.

Well, that explains
the unreturned phone calls.

I'm sensing evil.

I'm gonna have to get some of
your personal belongings here,

just so I can check for
demon and ghost residue.

I'm not gonna be able
to lift all those monitors,

but I'll send my cousin tomorrow with
the white van. He can get them in there.

Dan was attacked
by the kitchen last night.

We think it might be Mama.
Kitchen attack?

You could've said that earlier.

If a room turns on you,
it's either a ghost or a demon.

Can a demon take over someone?
Like, live within them?

Damn, that's some scary shit.

So a demon is about
the worst thing you can have?

No, ma'am, an STD is the
worst thing that you can have.

Who do you know who wants to hurt you?
Do you have a jealous colleague at work?

A Facebook friend
you might have ignored?

Maybe you adopted a small
African child named Ikatababwe,

promising to feed
this nigga for 25 cents a day.

But then he needs something to drink!

Anyway, let's begin.
OK.

This is the evil communicator.

When I put this on, I'll be able
to cross over to the other side

and confront the entity.
That will immediately trigger

the final $350 payment of
child support to Tisha Fulda.

And if you guys would just join hands,
close eyes and concentrate.

Empty your mind of all
the thoughts of today's troubles.

Everything that went on,
get that out of your mind.

This is all about the spirit world here.

And three, two and one.

What's happening? Things are starting
to move all by itself!

Breathe! Breathe!

- Wait, I don't think he can breathe!
- He's a pro!

A sophisticated piece of equipment
like that? Of course he can breathe.

Shit, I couldn't breathe.

Almost killed myself.
All right, I communicated.

It was definitely a demon.
Oh, my God.

Wait a minute. I was wrong.
It's a ghost.

So strong.

Ow!

Help, it's got me!
Dan!

Dan, wake up!
Ma'am, you got to

get out of here. It's evil!
It's pure evil! It's Mama!

Now do you believe
that something's going on?

He got dragged away,
yelling out, "Mama."

He got dragged away?
I don't remember that.

Dan, you were unconscious.
I don't remember that, either.

Look, honey, I don't want to argue.

The important thing is,
we love each other, OK?

No, the important thing is that
this Mama thing could be real

and she might be trying to kill us.

Jod, that guy was a fraud
and that's it. OK?

What's that?
My penis.

No.
Yes.

There, right now, there.
I know. I'm trying.

What the hell is that?
My penis?

What's making that sound?

Dan, what is that?

MY penis.

Is that smoke?

Maria! What are you doing?!
You're gonna burn down the house!

Kill bad spirits!

What is going on?
Maria almost burned the house down.

What?
That's it, she's got...

Enough! This is getting out of hand.
You're scaring everybody.

You can't fire her. I mean,
she's been with us for years.

I don't know what to do.

That's discrimination.
OK, now what the hell?

This is completely insane!
It's what she believes in, honey!

Give me that!

You're gonna let me go?!
Your family is not safe!

I'm sorry, Maria,
it's just not working out.

I'll give you a recommendation,
just nothing involving kids

or within a mile of anyone's house.

I can't do this anymore.
I got to go to work.

I don't even understand
what you're saying!

Ow!

Ladies and gentlemen,

for the past two years,
our own Dan Sanders has been

testing the I-13 compound on 30 apes.

Unfortunately, 29 of them turned into

insane, aggressive,
deviant sexual predators.

But one, Caesar,

has experienced a huge leap
in intelligence.

Here he plays three opponents.

Of course, they're apes.

But Caesar's superior capabilities
are the work of one man.

The brains behind
the I-13 project, Dan San...

Are you OK?
I'm fine, Martin.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce you to Caesar...

You're not getting away from me!

Oof!

Oh, no!

Traffic is backed up
on the Broad Street Bridge,

where apparently police are battling
dozens of apes in a running gunfight.

Our reports indicate that
a scientist at a research laboratory

gave these apes an experimental
intelligence drug.

I'm being told that all available
officers are now on the scene.

But at this time, we are advising all
our viewers to find alternate routes.

I'm now being told
we have the actual 911 call

that first alerted the police
to the situation.

911, what's your emergency?

Oh, my God!
Apes are inside the house!

Calm down, ma'am. What happened?

We were making love and...
Oh, my God!

- They're attacking him!
- Who are they attacking, ma'am?

Carl! Oh, my God!
Please, help him!

- Where is your husband right now?
- Carl's not my husband.

My husband's the anchor for
Channel 12 News. He can't know about it.

- OK, ma'am, but we need to...
- Hurry!

Send help while my husband's
still on the air!

Ma'am, that's not important.
Your life is.

Yeah, you're right.
Why should he care?

I mean, I'm pretty sure he's been
sleeping with his co-anchor, that bitch!

Oh, I'm gonna rip her...

Congratulations, girl.

I knew it was gonna be you.
You're just so perfect, so mechanical.

Watching you dance
is like watching a robot.

Thanks.

So hungry.

Mm.

Is that all?
Pierre has a weight limit.

I'm too heavy. Look at Mara.

She looks great.

Look, are you sure you're OK?

Weird things have been
happening at home.

Kathy said there was
going to be an accident.

Then it happened to Heather.
That's some serious shit.

You should talk to those kids.

Whoa, pizza.

I eat and eat and eat,
and I don't gain a pound.

Heather!

You think you can replace me?

Well, we'll see how you like it
once the swan consumes you!

Damn it!

Door!

Son of a bitch!

Oh, I didn't know
you were such a good builder.

Wow.

Kathy, I want you
to tell me about Mama.

Mama doesn't like it
when you talk about her.

Who is Mama?

She was a woman who
read from an evil book.

Sometimes she comes to us in a dream.

In a dream?

In your dreams, of course.

I wish I could see
what's inside your dreams.

To extract what's in your dreams.
To perform an inception.

Will you drop that?
That's my birth tuba.

Hello. I'm Dom Kolb.
You called about a dream extraction?

Yes. I need to find
out about an evil book.

Mm-hm.

This machine will allow us
access to the dream world.

Let's begin.

So when do we start dreaming?

You never really remember
the beginning of a dream,

do you?
I guess.

OK, then,

this is your first lesson
in shared dreaming. Stay calm.

Sorry. I dropped my phone in there.

You need to clear your subconscious.
And watch what you think about.

Nothing crazy.
Right.

Like having your crotch
burst into flames.

What does that
have to do with Ma...?

Hey!
Oh.

Let's start over.

I'm Jody Sanders.

Yes, my dear. I've been expecting you.

Please, come in.

They call me Christian Grey.

How do you like my blue room?

It's red.
Oh. I'm color-blind.

My decorator assured me that...
Never mind.

Champagne?
Mm.

Have a seat.

I'll stand.

Hey, Christian, man, golly, man!
I'd like to thank you a lot, man,

for working on my prostrate
like it was a speed bag.

Yes, Michael, I must admit, I was
surprised at your performance, as well.

Not bad for a washed-up, overweight,
facially tattooed...

Do it again.

Oh...!

I have no idea what that one was.

Me neither.

Mama, are you here?

Dom, is that you?
Oh, shit.

You said you'd had a dream
that we'd grow old together.

Right. And we will.

What are you doing here?
Hi.

How could you bring her here?
What about our children?

They're not real.
Yes, they are. Watch.

James, Phillippa!

Ew.

You're not gonna jump, are you?

I hadn't thought about that.
Thank you.

OK, we're not getting anywhere.

What does any of this
have to do with Kathy?

Kathy? I thought you were Kathy.

Oh.

"Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto."

What's happening to me?!

That must have been her.
Mama.

She wants to take us home to the cliff.

What does that mean?
I don't know.

But I trust you'll give me
a favorable Yelp review?

Jody's mission was clear.

The evil book that created Mama

was located in the cellar
of a cabin, in the woods.

If she could find that cabin,
maybe she could find some answers.

If we can find that cabin,
maybe we can find some answers.

OK, calm down. I'm gonna come over.

Kendra?
What?

OK, wait, what's going on now?

I think she's out there!

OK, OK, just... you stay calm!

Front door open.

She's in the house!
Front door open.

OK, stay...
Front door open.

Shut the hell up!

No need for that, bitch.

Bitch?!
Front door open.

No, you did not just call me a bitch!
Front door open...

Honey?
Dan?!

I am so sorry. I didn't know
who you were and...

It's OK, honey, it was an accident.
Right, Caesar?

And of course he can stay here.

Look at that. Caesar wants to help out
around the house.

Aw.

Hey...

I'm sorry, I see an ape,
I come out swinging.

That's understandable.

Here you go.

I am so glad you're OK,
but tonight was a wake-up call.

I think we've got to find that cabin.
OK. I got an idea.

Wait, we fired Maria.
Who's gonna watch the kids?

I already took care of it.

Naughty Nanny's here.
Nice to meet you, Naughty.

This is my wife Jody.
Threesome? That costs extra.

Oh, Jesus. Monkey, too?

Oh, you people are freaks,
but for an extra $100.

What agency did you call?

Oh, they have nurses
and cheerleaders and nannies.

Dan, you called an escort service.

I used the same agency
to book a Santa for Christmas.

Someone called for Santa?

Ho,ho,ho.

Dan, you're watching the kids.

Jody was nervous
about what she might find at the cabin,

but she was comforted by the fact

that Caesar and the girls
were in good hands.

Who do you work for?

Kendra, this isn't
the cabin I was talking about.

I know, I just
thought you needed to relax.

Take one of these.

Um, I don't know.

Oh, come on, they'll only last
a couple of hours, tops.

Kendra, I don't need drugs to have fun.

Let me take a picture.
OK.

Oh, that's so hot!

Yeah!

Yeah, ride it, yeah, yeah!

A dollar will make me holler,
honey boo boo child.

Sorry.

I don't always go downtown,

but when I do,
I drink a beer first.

I'm the king of the world!
Woo! Woo!

I'm wicked hard!

Mind if I play through?

Ooh, shit!

Again? You son of a bitch,
I'm gonna kill you!

Oh, my God,
rehearsal. I'm late.

Oh, no, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Stop, stop!
Oh, Jody, thank God you're here, girl.

I was just dancing and kissing him

'cause I didn't want him
to think about you being late.

Well, I'm the dancer, so I'll do
the kissing around here.

That was amazing.

I want you to have my children.

But, Papa, please,
we want to stay with you.

Back in the car, Gaston.
Aw...

She can't make you forget about me.

I overslept because you
just took off this morning.

This morning?
Yeah, you slept over.

What? Wait a minute, did you have
some kind of lezzo dream fantasy

about me?
Don't act like you weren't there.

We had something special.
We made love last night for hours.

What?
Oh, and now you're gonna tell me

Tiger Woods didn't
come out of my vagina?

Jody.

What?!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, that explains the poison ivy.

Jody?

There you are.
Kendra?

Oh, the door was open
so I let myself in.

It's OK. Look, I'm so sorry.

I really believed something happened
between us last night.

I must have dreamt the whole thing.
Oh, no, we had sex.

But this morning at rehearsal,
you said...

I can't have the whole cast
knowing my business.

I'm already doing half of 'em,

and besides, me and Pierre...
we have this little thing...

Wait, then, what's this?

Beats me... must have
happened after I left.

Oh, yeah!
Girl, you are freaky.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, get it. Oh, my God.

Oh, shit!

See, I knew she was real.

All right, let's find out
where this cabin is.

Ugh!

What in the hell?

Bad girl.

Oh, what is this?

Oh, my God, it's the same
cabin from the dream. Of course.

So, what are we gonna do
if we find that book?

I don't know, if that's the book
that turned Mama into what she is,

maybe it could
somehow reverse the curse.

OK, we're almost there.

Hey, I'm not going in there.
We have to go inside.

The book is the key
to the nightmare I'm living.

Oh, my gosh, who are you?
I'm Jody and this is Kendra.

We're looking for something
very important.

We all are. Come on in.

♪ Go tell it on the mountain

♪ Over the hills and everywhere
Go...

Everybody, this is Jody and Kendra.

Hello, Jody and Kendra.
Hi.

Pardon me for not standing,

but I'm mending the wing of this bird
that we found in the woods.

OK. Hi, we're in a hurry.

We're actually looking for
a book that could save lives.

Yes, I've got it right here.
Oh, thank God.

Thank him indeed. The Bible.
Here, let me read to you.

Oh, no, no, see,
we're actually looking for...

...the book of evil.
I know evil all too well.

You do?
This weekend's devoted to Mia.

It's a detox weekend.

She's hooked on energy shots.

Oh, yeah, that's a real struggle.

OK, listen,
we're looking for another book

somewhere in this cabin.
Hm. We haven't seen anything.

We gave it a shot,
let's get out of here.

OK, wait.

- Is there a cellar?
- Great.

There it is.
Oh!

OK, I don't care what it says.

"The curse begins with four words.

Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto."

You're all going to die tonight.

You're all going to die tonight.

"The curse ends with one word.

Adunda."

What the heck?

Why?
I don't have an arm.

For some reason
I cut my tongue in half.

OK, well, let's at least finish
the song. Everyone hold hands.

Except for Eric.
Damn.

♪ Go tell it on the mountain

♪ Over the hills and everywhere

Well, maybe we didn't do it right.

"Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto."

"Adunda."

Why does this keep happening?
Where's my arm?

Is this yours?
That's a left.

That's mine.
Could you hand it to me, please?

I need a right.
Eric chainsawed it off.

Look, I'm sorry.
My... My leg?

No, that's black. It's not mine.

Oh, shit.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, cry me a river.

I'm gonna need a little help.
I have to go to the bathroom.

My penis is in the corner.
This is fucked up.

Let me try.

"Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto."

Nothing again.

You know what? Let's go.
Wait, there's a door right here.

Let's go out this way.

OK, cool, we can avoid
the weirdos upstairs.

♪ We're gonna get you

3 Not another peep

Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.

Kendra and I recited
the Latin words over and over

at the cabin and on the way home.

We must have said it a hundred times,
but nothing happened.

What if it isn't the right book?

Maybe the curse
has somehow been lifted.

Luckily for Dan and Jody,
there was someone in the house

who, thanks to the I-13 formula,

had increased intelligence
and superior cognitive ability.

His analytical problem-solving skills
allowed him...

...to ascertain crucial information.

A marvel of modern-day science,
his IQ had surpassed even the most...

Aw, hell.

Why did I think
you could be intelligent?

You're nothing but a dumb animal.

Ow!

Idiot!

- I can talk.
- Hey, Caesar.

Steve?

Dan's got a mad demon in his house.

Matt Damon's in his house?
No, a mad demon.

I love Matt Damon. Jason Bourne.

Oy.

I should have known not to bring
a wild animal into the house.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

But I believed in Caesar.
I thought he was different.

There's something more to this.

I can feel it.
No, he just... went crazy.

Forget it. But I still think Mama
could be in this house.

But don't you...
We just had a whole night go on

without a single sign of anything.
I guess.

I was just so scared
last night for the kids.

You're coming around.

Am I getting attached to them?

It's the cliff from the dream.

Get in the car now.
Don't make me yell!

Unto thee, Satan,
I sacrifice these children.

Return home to the cliff of...
Holy shit!

Home is at the cliff.
Oh, my God. Girls!

Kathy. It's OK. I saw the cliff.
I know what "home" means.

Whoa!

Come on, girls. Let's go get Aidan.

That's cool.

Lily! Come on.

Aidan! Are you OK?

Uncle Dan! Uncle Dan!

Mama! Mama! Mama!

She's here!

Whoa. Girls, girls, girls.
One at a time. Lily, you first.

Got it. Now Kathy.

Mama! Mama! She's here!
She's gonna kill us!

How many times do I have to tell
everyone there's no such thing as...

Ow!

Maria? What are you doing here?

I was angry you fire me,
so I bake you this.

A shit pie?

Uh, thanks, but...
Hot dog?

No, that's still shit with mustard.

Maybe just a banana, then?
Very much potassium.

So bueno, Mr. Dan.

No, I... I'm sorry.
I should have listened to you...

Mr. Dan, we have our problems,
but I always love you.

So much.

When I see you, I see my father.

Dan. Dan, we have to...

Wait. What's going on here?
I can explain.

There's no time. Mama has the girls.
I know where she took them.

Got to go.

You remind me of my father.

Dan!

Knowing the girls
were in danger,

Dan and Jody sped off,
racing to get to the cliff they...

Oh, my God. What happened to the car?

Where...? Oh, there it is.

They were no longer able to sit idly by
and let a ghost jump off a cliff,

- sacrificing their children with her.
- Kathy! Lily!

Oh, my God. There they are.
Kathy, Lily, stop!

What do we do now?
Um, I'll just...

...read from this
and change her back to human.

Girls, run! Run! No.

No, not that way. Away from the cliff!

I'm not going to let Mama
take you away again.

Hm?

Lily, stop! Come on.
Come on. Here, girl. Come on, Lily.

Come on. Look. Oh, look. Yeah.

Come on. Look. Oh, yeah. Lily.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Oh, come on.

Enough! This is crazy.

Lily's not a dog.

She's a beautiful little girl
who I've grown to love.

I love all these children, Mama,
even if they don't all love me.

Lily loves you, too, Jody.

And they belong in this world
with me and Dan.

Because they deserve parents
who aren't decomposing.

Good girl.

All right, enough.

Where's the page?
Damn it, I can't find it.

Forget it.

There, that worked. Maybe not.

Man, we need to stop smoking this shit.

Told you that shark
was going to come in handy.

Thank you. Lily.

Honey, thank God you're all right.

Your cue is coming up.
Oh, Kendra.

Look, it's OK, girl.
Let's forget about what happened.

You are the Black Swan.
No. It's you.

Throwing Mama off the cliff has really
made me reevaluate my priorities.

My family comes first.
You dance the Black Swan.

Because sometimes in life...
OK.

Introducing our new Swan Queen,
Miss Kendra Brooks.

This is not ballet.
No, it the hell ain't.

This some bullshit.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!
Right? Right?

You know that shit, right?

And so our story ends.

If anything is to be learned from this,

it's that mankind is a pathetic race

and apes need to take over this planet.

Enjoy Earth while you still got it.

Well, we'll see how you like it
once the swan consumes you!

I cannot hold it that long.
It's, like... it's so long.

We're kissing.

' Cut! Cut!

Cut!

We're kissing.

Cut!

- What happened?
- Guy was in the shot.

- Ah.
- Cut!

But was he dressed like a demon?

Do the second "my penis"
as a question.

OK. And then "my other penis"
is a question also?

Yeah.
OK.

But remember, you're jumping
to "What the hell is that?"

I know. I don't know why.
You're jumping... Yeah.

There's just so many penises.

Welcome to Hollywood.

I'm ready for it.
Hey.

I'm OK with this.

That's the temporary nurses' shower.

And we're painting it.
Cut.

That's the... temporary nurses' shower.

I'm OK with this.

Sorry, you guys. I...

I'm OK with this.

That's the nurses'
temporary locker room,

and we're repainting it.

' Cut.

Ouch. Hello here!

B mark!

- And background.
- Action!

Oh!

Jody! Thank God I caught you.

I forgot to tell you, now that
you are the Swan Queen...

Suck my...

I'll save you, Snoop Dogg.

My name ain't Snoop Dogg
in this... movie, man!

Well, I mean, I...
Sh...

Stop it!

We're good. We're good.

Now prepare for a night
of unparalleled passion.

Oh, wait, wait, Mr. Grey...
The safe word is "deeper."

What?

Damn! Ow!

Whoa!

What does all this
have to do with the ballet?

Ballet?
Yes. Aren't you donating millions?

Millions? What...? I'm broke.

Every cent I have
has been put into this room.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Oh, cry me a river.

I'm going to need a little help.
I don't have a penis.

It does not come off.

It does not come off. I'm sorry.

I'm getting tired of talking
about this...

In the woods with this man.

...man, we keep going in
circles, talking about a... man.

Let's talk about a... man,

- or getting some...
- getting some...

Talking about...
these two dudes in the woods.

If we had a... here, she could
wash our... off right now.

You understand me?
That's the way I would say it.

Hey, babe, check out
this psychic's book for a clue.

It really freaks me out.
Come on, there's nothing to be...

Nuh!

These books are all...

There's nothing to be scared...

...to be scared...

Oh, there's nothing to be scared...

Oh, wrong animal.

...be scared... A dinosaur?

What does this have to do with...?

I know. Sorry.

And... action!

- What does this have to do with...?
- Sorry.

You just keep cupping your boobs.
OK, sorry.

OK, how do we know who's a witch?

Do they have a broom?

Do they have a pointy nose?

I'm... I'm going to pee my pants!

So, what, I didn't get the part?

Where's everybody going?

I just had the most bizarro dream.

Demons, apes, a ballet.

You have a very active subconscious.

Anyway, the idea took hold.

Lindsay Lohan's coming over
to spend the night with you.

Awesome!

You were driving.