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1
00:00:02,508 --> 00:00:04,367
- Mmm.
- Can you two
2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,640
please tell us why you summoned us here?
3
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,765
Thank you for coming. It is appreciated,
4
00:00:09,820 --> 00:00:11,680
especially since Aly is on bed rest.
5
00:00:11,742 --> 00:00:13,864
We brought you here today
to choose a godparent.
6
00:00:13,932 --> 00:00:16,266
Oh, yes! Sorry. I'm sorry. Carry on.
7
00:00:16,334 --> 00:00:18,836
Now, on my side,
we have my entire network
8
00:00:18,903 --> 00:00:20,070
of good friends. Friends so close,
9
00:00:20,138 --> 00:00:21,538
I consider them family.
10
00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:23,574
And on my side, we have Leslie.
11
00:00:23,641 --> 00:00:26,176
- I'm all she's got.
- Oh, boy.
12
00:00:26,244 --> 00:00:28,545
All right, everybody,
please line up in formation.
13
00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:30,714
Winston, I don't have time for this.
It's my first day back at
14
00:00:30,782 --> 00:00:33,650
Ass Strat tomorrow. I should be
moisturizing and making dreams.
15
00:00:33,718 --> 00:00:35,652
Schmidt, we didn't choose you.
16
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:36,954
- You may face the wall.
- Dork!
17
00:00:37,022 --> 00:00:38,789
- Watch it.
- Cece,
18
00:00:38,857 --> 00:00:41,191
we didn't choose you either.
Reason being is your friendship
19
00:00:41,259 --> 00:00:44,128
is too important to ruin by
making you our baby's godmother.
20
00:00:44,195 --> 00:00:45,629
Mm-hmm. Why do I feel
like your lips are moving
21
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:48,866
- but Aly's doing the talking?
- Sorry.
22
00:00:48,933 --> 00:00:50,401
- Nick?
- I got a good feeling about this.
23
00:00:50,468 --> 00:00:51,402
Face the wall.
24
00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:52,870
Ooh. This ain't over.
25
00:00:55,540 --> 00:00:56,774
Leslie,
26
00:00:56,841 --> 00:00:58,842
you may face the wall.
27
00:00:58,910 --> 00:01:02,146
- Ha-ha-ha! Suck it, bitch!
- Leslie,
28
00:01:02,213 --> 00:01:03,947
you lost.
29
00:01:04,015 --> 00:01:04,982
Leslie is confused.
30
00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:06,450
And now the moment of truth.
31
00:01:06,518 --> 00:01:08,719
Jessica Day,
32
00:01:08,787 --> 00:01:11,789
will you be our baby's godmother?
33
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Yes, I will.
34
00:01:13,491 --> 00:01:15,692
Why is Leslie still dancing?
35
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:16,894
Leslie.
36
00:01:16,961 --> 00:01:18,929
- Hey, now we're both godparents.
- What?
37
00:01:18,997 --> 00:01:21,131
Nick, for the hundredth time,
you are not Ruth's godfather.
38
00:01:21,199 --> 00:01:23,367
Yes, I am, for the hundred
and one time... first time.
39
00:01:23,435 --> 00:01:25,502
First of all, Jews and Hindus
do not have godparents.
40
00:01:25,570 --> 00:01:27,838
And even if we did,
we would not choose you.
41
00:01:27,906 --> 00:01:28,839
Ruth is not a fan.
42
00:01:28,907 --> 00:01:30,007
Ruth doesn't like me?
43
00:01:30,075 --> 00:01:32,142
She sees you more
as a dimwitted raccoon.
44
00:01:32,210 --> 00:01:33,848
Well, my mind is blown.
This is a game changer.
45
00:01:33,903 --> 00:01:35,012
Okay, everyone leave.
46
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,856
Okay, that was a waste of time.
47
00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:38,315
We got a babysitter for this?
48
00:01:38,383 --> 00:01:39,917
Jess, can you stay back for a moment?
49
00:01:39,984 --> 00:01:41,318
Yeah. You chose wisely.
50
00:01:41,386 --> 00:01:43,921
I will revolutionize being a godparent.
51
00:01:43,988 --> 00:01:46,023
Your son will be my Cinderell... o.
52
00:01:46,091 --> 00:01:48,625
We'll be reviewing
your performance weekly.
53
00:01:48,693 --> 00:01:50,027
You can be replaced.
54
00:01:50,095 --> 00:01:51,862
Heavy is the head that holds the crown,
55
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but strong are the neck muscles
that hold up said head.
56
00:01:55,500 --> 00:01:56,400
Ooh.
57
00:02:01,639 --> 00:02:02,606
Cigarette!
58
00:02:06,845 --> 00:02:08,979
- Well done.
- Well done.
59
00:02:09,047 --> 00:02:12,256
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
60
00:02:12,784 --> 00:02:15,519
Uh, before I move on to
the next slide, let me just say
61
00:02:15,587 --> 00:02:18,355
thank you for agreeing
to stay at home this week
62
00:02:18,423 --> 00:02:20,858
while I get back in the saddle at work.
63
00:02:20,925 --> 00:02:23,527
Now, you need to pick up Ruth
at 2:00 p.m. on the dot.
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00:02:23,595 --> 00:02:24,728
The three pillars of the pickup
65
00:02:24,796 --> 00:02:27,264
are gate code, sign out, and lunch,
66
00:02:27,332 --> 00:02:28,799
which needs to be
a peanut butter sandwich,
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00:02:28,867 --> 00:02:30,501
otherwise, she will shut down and go
68
00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:32,045
- full armadillo.
- Yeah, I got it.
69
00:02:32,077 --> 00:02:33,290
Pick her up, drop her off.
70
00:02:33,314 --> 00:02:34,327
- How hard can it be?
- Well, first of all,
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00:02:34,346 --> 00:02:35,351
you got it backwards.
72
00:02:35,376 --> 00:02:36,840
You drop off in the morning,
73
00:02:36,908 --> 00:02:39,042
you pick up in the after... I'm sorry.
74
00:02:39,110 --> 00:02:41,044
I'm a little stressed out.
I know that I said
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00:02:41,112 --> 00:02:43,147
that I would go back to work
when Ruth started school,
76
00:02:43,214 --> 00:02:45,649
which, look, I'm-I'm excited about.
77
00:02:45,717 --> 00:02:47,017
But I've been out of the game
for a while,
78
00:02:47,085 --> 00:02:48,318
and I've become accustomed
79
00:02:48,386 --> 00:02:49,720
to a different type of lifestyle.
80
00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:52,022
Daddy was gonna get
into that party no matter what,
81
00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:53,490
so I jumped over the hedge.
82
00:02:53,558 --> 00:02:55,259
Of course. It was Prince!
83
00:02:55,326 --> 00:02:56,860
You get it.
84
00:02:56,928 --> 00:02:59,563
We'll be fine. What you see
as a life-or-death mission,
85
00:02:59,631 --> 00:03:01,365
I see as a week off with my daughter.
86
00:03:01,432 --> 00:03:03,333
Wrong again. Buckle up.
87
00:03:05,503 --> 00:03:07,304
These should cover
your first four hours.
88
00:03:07,372 --> 00:03:09,205
Okay, I'm off.
89
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,963
Yeah, you need to go. Okay?
90
00:03:11,003 --> 00:03:12,047
Now get.
91
00:03:12,072 --> 00:03:14,219
I'm excited.
I shaved my entire body last night.
92
00:03:14,312 --> 00:03:17,447
I feel like I could
ride the wind to work.
93
00:03:17,515 --> 00:03:20,884
And here comes a contraction.
94
00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:22,786
Thank you for filling in for Aly.
95
00:03:22,854 --> 00:03:24,721
- Of course. I'm the godmother.
- And one, two,
96
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:27,791
three, primal scream.
97
00:03:31,129 --> 00:03:34,431
Oh, my God! That's a big hea... Sorry.
98
00:03:34,499 --> 00:03:35,632
Okay, and now let's practice
99
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,868
some pelvic tilts on the birthing ball.
100
00:03:37,936 --> 00:03:38,969
Oh.
101
00:03:40,305 --> 00:03:41,872
Excuse me. I-I realize you
102
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:43,440
didn't get me one, so I'm gonna
go ahead and get my own.
103
00:03:43,508 --> 00:03:44,741
Uh...
104
00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:46,310
- Got the big boy.
- Yeah.
105
00:03:46,377 --> 00:03:49,313
Whew! You know what's crazy
is you're gonna be
106
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:52,010
a father any day now.
107
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,718
- Yeah, it kind of snuck up on me.
- Yeah, you better get ready,
108
00:03:54,786 --> 00:03:57,754
'cause you're gonna get on
the Dad Train soon.
109
00:03:57,822 --> 00:03:59,523
Dad-dad!
110
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"No getting off this train."
111
00:04:03,394 --> 00:04:06,296
- You okay?
- Oh, yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
112
00:04:06,364 --> 00:04:09,132
Well, all right.
113
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,534
Who would like to demonstrate
how to hold a baby?
114
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Any takers? What about you?
115
00:04:12,537 --> 00:04:14,304
Oh, not me. That baby's creep city.
116
00:04:14,372 --> 00:04:15,672
Winnie, you're up.
117
00:04:15,740 --> 00:04:17,507
Me? Oh. Yeah.
118
00:04:17,575 --> 00:04:19,109
- Let's go, Dad.
- Okay.
119
00:04:20,078 --> 00:04:21,678
Hold it like this?
120
00:04:21,746 --> 00:04:23,480
- Cradle the head.
- Cradle it. Yeah.
121
00:04:23,548 --> 00:04:25,882
Well, look at you.
122
00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:30,120
I promise to love and protect you.
123
00:04:30,188 --> 00:04:31,688
Nobody's ever gonna hurt
my goochy, goochy...
124
00:04:31,756 --> 00:04:34,458
- Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Okay, and...
125
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:37,027
I'm sorry. I'm gonna fix this.
126
00:04:37,095 --> 00:04:39,930
I'm gonna fix him. I'm not ready.
127
00:04:39,998 --> 00:04:41,120
- No.
- Here, put that back.
128
00:04:41,144 --> 00:04:43,100
Put that back inside of you.
I don't want no part of that.
129
00:04:47,305 --> 00:04:51,174
Look at us,
the unbreakable Kim and Schmidt.
130
00:04:51,242 --> 00:04:53,176
God, I forgot how much I despise you.
131
00:04:53,244 --> 00:04:55,312
We're gonna need your thoughts
on a new salsa account,
132
00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:58,215
- so get up to speed.
- Oh, I am up to speed on salsa.
133
00:04:58,283 --> 00:05:00,884
Now heads up, Schmidt,
things have changed here.
134
00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:02,686
It's not the same office you left.
135
00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:06,223
Ass Strat has been taken over
136
00:05:06,291 --> 00:05:08,592
by a Tokyo-based conglomerate.
137
00:05:12,764 --> 00:05:15,999
Are the toilets also Japa...
138
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:17,334
Yes.
139
00:05:21,239 --> 00:05:24,002
"Cecilia, you're
playing your music too loud."
140
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,939
What's that, babe? Yeah, you know,
141
00:05:25,986 --> 00:05:27,351
I can't hear you out here with...
142
00:05:27,412 --> 00:05:29,379
- Oh, my God!
- What, are we having a laundry party?
143
00:05:29,447 --> 00:05:30,981
- What is that?!
- This?
144
00:05:31,049 --> 00:05:33,317
It's just a bear
I found outside the loft.
145
00:05:33,384 --> 00:05:34,718
Yeah, I brought it for my girl Ruth.
146
00:05:34,786 --> 00:05:36,586
Well, she's at school right now,
and I have
147
00:05:36,654 --> 00:05:39,362
15 binders worth of stuff to do
that Schmidt has left for me
148
00:05:39,387 --> 00:05:40,400
- before I go pick her up.
- Oh, that's perfect.
149
00:05:40,425 --> 00:05:42,392
I'll just pick her up.
I'll pick her up from school.
150
00:05:42,460 --> 00:05:45,295
I don't need your help picking
up my daughter from school.
151
00:05:45,336 --> 00:05:46,376
Okay?
152
00:05:46,401 --> 00:05:47,422
All right, well,
would you please tell her
153
00:05:47,461 --> 00:05:49,866
that I left this bear for her
so she knows it was from me?
154
00:05:49,934 --> 00:05:51,201
- Mm-mm.
- Ugh.
155
00:05:51,269 --> 00:05:52,936
- What?
- There's ants all over its neck.
156
00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:55,505
- What?
- Oh!
157
00:05:55,573 --> 00:05:57,374
There's more ants. Every time
it gets hit, more ants come out.
158
00:05:57,442 --> 00:05:59,042
Okay. All right.
159
00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:00,711
Hey, buddy.
160
00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:03,413
So, two things. Um, first of all,
161
00:06:03,481 --> 00:06:05,215
we're not welcome back in the class.
162
00:06:05,283 --> 00:06:08,796
And, second, they're billing you
for all ten classes.
163
00:06:08,882 --> 00:06:10,620
Jess, what if I'm not ready
to be a father?
164
00:06:10,688 --> 00:06:12,956
Winston, that was a fake baby.
165
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:14,391
Real babies' heads
166
00:06:14,459 --> 00:06:16,026
- don't come off like that.
- Jess, I was
167
00:06:16,094 --> 00:06:18,428
in that class and it made me realize
168
00:06:18,496 --> 00:06:20,831
that this baby is coming.
169
00:06:20,898 --> 00:06:22,566
What happens when I'm in that hospital
170
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,134
and I see my son's face
for the first time,
171
00:06:24,202 --> 00:06:26,269
coming out of Aly's butt?
What am I gonna do?
172
00:06:26,337 --> 00:06:27,738
What if there's something
that I don't know?
173
00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:30,073
I know this is gonna sound crazy,
174
00:06:30,141 --> 00:06:31,808
but ever since I found out
Aly was pregnant,
175
00:06:31,876 --> 00:06:34,044
I keep thinking about my dad.
176
00:06:34,112 --> 00:06:35,679
That clown? He left you guys.
177
00:06:35,747 --> 00:06:37,514
I know. It makes absolutely no sense,
178
00:06:37,582 --> 00:06:40,117
but I keep thinking,
what does he look like?
179
00:06:40,184 --> 00:06:42,252
You know? Does he think about me?
180
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,488
Does he have a small group
of white friends like me?
181
00:06:44,555 --> 00:06:46,990
Well, have you thought about,
you know, reaching out to him again?
182
00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:48,592
I keep thinking, in
a perfect world, I wouldn't have
183
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:51,194
to track down my dad
and risk getting rejected.
184
00:06:51,262 --> 00:06:52,796
He would just...
185
00:06:52,864 --> 00:06:55,232
Magically show up.
186
00:06:55,299 --> 00:06:56,666
Exactly.
187
00:07:01,195 --> 00:07:04,007
- Sturdy.
- Hey, Winston!
188
00:07:04,140 --> 00:07:05,307
Looking good.
189
00:07:05,377 --> 00:07:06,416
You don't have to gas me up, Jess.
190
00:07:06,471 --> 00:07:08,260
I've been at this thing for three hours.
191
00:07:08,322 --> 00:07:09,718
- It is all legs.
- Yeah.
192
00:07:09,789 --> 00:07:11,552
Look, I just wanted
to tell you something,
193
00:07:11,620 --> 00:07:14,860
and that is that when you're alive...
194
00:07:14,907 --> 00:07:16,824
Sometimes your friends
think that you're... No.
195
00:07:16,892 --> 00:07:19,478
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
Your dad's outside.
196
00:07:20,529 --> 00:07:21,863
Okay, that's a weird joke.
197
00:07:21,930 --> 00:07:23,936
Yeah, that's not a joke.
198
00:07:24,006 --> 00:07:27,368
He is, um... he's outside.
At this moment.
199
00:07:27,436 --> 00:07:29,503
Well, how the hell did you find him?
200
00:07:29,571 --> 00:07:32,306
Well, it was a journey.
Basically, I Googled his name,
201
00:07:32,374 --> 00:07:34,709
and here we are.
202
00:07:34,776 --> 00:07:36,043
- Oh.
- Listen,
203
00:07:36,111 --> 00:07:37,879
if it would make you feel better
to talk to your dad,
204
00:07:37,946 --> 00:07:39,280
then I think you should.
205
00:07:39,348 --> 00:07:41,382
Yeah, I'll go talk to him.
I wonder if...
206
00:07:41,450 --> 00:07:42,783
Nah.
207
00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:44,218
Okay. "Hey, D... Hey, Pop.
208
00:07:44,286 --> 00:07:46,053
"You want to shake my...
You want to shake my...
209
00:07:46,121 --> 00:07:47,722
Your hand looks like my hand."
210
00:07:47,789 --> 00:07:49,557
He'll be like, "What's up, son?"
211
00:07:49,625 --> 00:07:50,858
I'll be like, "Don't call me son."
212
00:07:50,926 --> 00:07:52,927
- Uh-huh.
- "Don't call me son." You know?
213
00:07:52,995 --> 00:07:54,595
"But I love you so much. I miss...
214
00:07:54,663 --> 00:07:56,597
I've never seen you."
I don't know what he looks like.
215
00:07:56,665 --> 00:07:57,765
Or I can tell him to leave.
216
00:07:57,833 --> 00:07:59,700
No.
217
00:07:59,768 --> 00:08:01,168
No. It's fine.
218
00:08:01,236 --> 00:08:02,670
He's my dad.
219
00:08:02,738 --> 00:08:03,971
I'll tell him.
220
00:08:13,181 --> 00:08:14,415
Say what you got to say, son.
221
00:08:16,518 --> 00:08:18,586
Daddy!
222
00:08:21,323 --> 00:08:22,757
- Get it out. Yeah.
- Oh, my... My God.
223
00:08:22,824 --> 00:08:23,824
- Look at that.
- Look at that.
224
00:08:23,892 --> 00:08:24,892
- Look at that!
- Look at that!
225
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,861
Look at that! Oh, come on, now.
226
00:08:26,929 --> 00:08:27,929
- Come on!
- Come on, now.
227
00:08:27,996 --> 00:08:29,095
Be feeling like I'm-a stand up in here.
228
00:08:29,150 --> 00:08:30,531
- Come on, now!
- Come on, now.
229
00:08:30,599 --> 00:08:31,599
Okay. Kids' toys.
230
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:32,833
I got this.
231
00:08:32,901 --> 00:08:34,869
Okay, I got that.
232
00:08:36,071 --> 00:08:37,438
Go for Nick.
233
00:08:37,506 --> 00:08:39,040
Uh, hey, Nick. Where are you?
234
00:08:39,107 --> 00:08:41,742
I'm at home making a goodie bag
for my favorite little girl.
235
00:08:41,810 --> 00:08:44,111
Um, listen to me. Uh, I actually...
236
00:08:44,179 --> 00:08:46,647
I need your...
237
00:08:46,715 --> 00:08:49,450
help picking up Ruth from school.
238
00:08:49,518 --> 00:08:51,752
Oh. Isn't this interesting?
239
00:08:51,820 --> 00:08:53,020
Last time I checked, you didn't need
240
00:08:53,088 --> 00:08:54,488
old Nick Miller's help.
241
00:08:54,556 --> 00:08:56,590
Hold a minute
while old Nick Miller laughs
242
00:08:56,658 --> 00:08:58,726
- and says, "Well, well, well."
- Nick.
243
00:08:58,794 --> 00:08:59,860
Please. Okay, I...
244
00:08:59,928 --> 00:09:01,429
Nick.
245
00:09:01,496 --> 00:09:03,331
- Listen to me...
- Well, well, well.
246
00:09:03,398 --> 00:09:05,433
Looks like you do need old Nicky's help.
247
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,232
Please. Please. Listen to me.
248
00:09:07,286 --> 00:09:08,336
Okay, Nick, I forgot
249
00:09:08,403 --> 00:09:10,471
my phone at the house, and that phone
250
00:09:10,513 --> 00:09:11,707
has the gate code
251
00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:12,999
- that will let me into the school...
- Hold on.
252
00:09:13,075 --> 00:09:15,209
If you forgot your phone at home,
253
00:09:15,277 --> 00:09:17,078
then tell me this:
254
00:09:17,145 --> 00:09:19,146
what are you calling me on?
255
00:09:19,214 --> 00:09:21,449
A stranger's phone, okay?
256
00:09:21,516 --> 00:09:22,950
Ruth's lunch
257
00:09:23,018 --> 00:09:24,385
is next to my phone,
258
00:09:24,453 --> 00:09:26,487
and I forgot her lunch, too,
so just bring both, okay?
259
00:09:26,555 --> 00:09:28,189
Got it. Also...
260
00:09:29,891 --> 00:09:30,992
Welcome back, Mr. Schmidt.
261
00:09:31,059 --> 00:09:32,193
I cannot wait
262
00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:34,161
to hear your pitch on the salsa account.
263
00:09:34,229 --> 00:09:35,663
Uh, take it away.
264
00:09:35,731 --> 00:09:37,131
I'd love to. Thank you so much.
265
00:09:37,199 --> 00:09:38,666
Let's talk about salsa.
266
00:09:38,734 --> 00:09:39,734
It's a sauce.
267
00:09:39,801 --> 00:09:40,868
Or it...
268
00:09:40,936 --> 00:09:42,903
Uh...
269
00:09:44,106 --> 00:09:46,307
Uh, I actually have to take this.
270
00:09:46,375 --> 00:09:48,075
So-so sorry.
271
00:09:49,244 --> 00:09:51,345
- Hello?
- Daddy, come pick me up.
272
00:09:51,413 --> 00:09:52,980
Mommy isn't here yet.
273
00:09:53,048 --> 00:09:54,415
What do you mean,
Mommy's not... It's 2:30.
274
00:09:54,483 --> 00:09:56,851
What is she do...?
275
00:09:59,821 --> 00:10:02,690
Okay, um...
276
00:10:02,758 --> 00:10:04,525
Daddy's on his way.
277
00:10:06,795 --> 00:10:09,330
I actually have to step out
for just a second.
278
00:10:09,398 --> 00:10:11,032
You know, in preparation
for this meeting,
279
00:10:11,099 --> 00:10:14,335
I ate an entire jar of salsa,
and it is...
280
00:10:14,403 --> 00:10:16,404
sliding right through me.
281
00:10:19,074 --> 00:10:21,575
Ah, come on.
282
00:10:22,811 --> 00:10:23,878
Hey, little girl.
283
00:10:23,945 --> 00:10:25,413
Hi.
284
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,948
- You want to open the gate for me?
- No.
285
00:10:28,016 --> 00:10:29,817
No? You want... Let me see what I got.
286
00:10:29,885 --> 00:10:30,985
A peanut butter sandwich?
287
00:10:31,053 --> 00:10:32,186
You want a peanut butter sandwich?
288
00:10:32,254 --> 00:10:33,554
Come here me a sec. Give me a sec.
289
00:10:33,622 --> 00:10:35,856
Look at this, look at this.
290
00:10:35,924 --> 00:10:37,658
Come over here,
eat the peanut butter sandwich.
291
00:10:37,726 --> 00:10:38,959
Open the gate. Look.
292
00:10:39,027 --> 00:10:41,529
Mmm. So yummy.
293
00:10:41,596 --> 00:10:43,097
Come... come on, come on.
Where you going?
294
00:10:43,165 --> 00:10:44,899
Hey! Little girl!
295
00:10:44,966 --> 00:10:46,700
Come on, little girl, please.
296
00:10:46,768 --> 00:10:48,697
Where you going? Ah. No.
297
00:10:48,722 --> 00:10:49,961
Hey! What are you doing?
298
00:10:49,986 --> 00:10:51,105
Oh, I was just trying
to get a little girl
299
00:10:51,173 --> 00:10:52,106
out of here.
300
00:10:52,174 --> 00:10:53,808
I want to be a girl's godfather.
301
00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:55,576
So, godfathers can basically make rules
302
00:10:55,644 --> 00:10:56,844
and do things with little kids
303
00:10:56,912 --> 00:10:58,012
when their parents aren't around.
304
00:10:58,080 --> 00:10:59,513
- What? Excuse me?!
- And also, they love me.
305
00:10:59,581 --> 00:11:01,081
- You sick bastard.
- No, no.
306
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:02,056
- You're coming with me.
- No, no.
307
00:11:02,081 --> 00:11:03,360
Peanut butter sandwich. Disgusting.
308
00:11:03,385 --> 00:11:04,552
Stop! Kids love me.
309
00:11:04,619 --> 00:11:05,553
I'm a famous author.
310
00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:07,088
Hey, he's with me. I'm a parent.
311
00:11:07,155 --> 00:11:08,222
- Parent.
- Yeah.
312
00:11:08,290 --> 00:11:09,590
No worries. I'm, uh, I'm a parent.
313
00:11:09,658 --> 00:11:10,891
Okay, so what's the gate code, then?
314
00:11:10,959 --> 00:11:13,561
Gate code is four...
315
00:11:13,628 --> 00:11:16,363
- three... seven...
- You're guessing.
316
00:11:16,431 --> 00:11:18,432
- He's onto us, Cece! Run! Hyah!
- Hey.
317
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:19,633
I'm coming for you, Ruth!
318
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,469
Here comes your godfather!
319
00:11:21,536 --> 00:11:22,570
Oh, my God.
320
00:11:22,637 --> 00:11:24,672
Is that it?
321
00:11:24,739 --> 00:11:26,107
- Wait, hold up, hold on now.
- H-Hold up.
322
00:11:26,174 --> 00:11:27,775
- Hold up, boy.
- You got bees on your shirt.
323
00:11:27,843 --> 00:11:30,244
- I got birds on my shirt.
- Birds and the bees, baby.
324
00:11:30,312 --> 00:11:32,246
- Birds and the bees!
- Come on, now.
325
00:11:32,314 --> 00:11:33,881
My boy!
326
00:11:35,183 --> 00:11:36,584
Hey, Aly.
327
00:11:36,651 --> 00:11:38,152
- What are you doing out of bed?
- I heard
328
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:40,253
a man's voice and wanted to know
if you were cheating on Nick
329
00:11:40,291 --> 00:11:41,807
in the bedroom of my future child.
330
00:11:41,878 --> 00:11:45,326
Well, big news: I found Winston's dad.
331
00:11:45,393 --> 00:11:47,461
In there.
332
00:11:48,730 --> 00:11:50,164
You want to wrestle?
333
00:11:50,232 --> 00:11:51,432
Take off your pants, Dad!
334
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:52,708
- You know what we like?
- What?
335
00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:54,435
Those two black dudes from This Is Us.
336
00:11:54,503 --> 00:11:57,004
That's not Winston's dad.
337
00:11:57,072 --> 00:11:59,406
What?
338
00:11:59,474 --> 00:12:00,641
I saw his picture on the database
339
00:12:00,709 --> 00:12:02,810
at the station. I know this.
That's not him!
340
00:12:02,878 --> 00:12:04,071
Huh.
341
00:12:06,514 --> 00:12:08,906
Jess, who is that man in my house
342
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:10,485
pretending to be Winston's dad?
343
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,989
His name is Van Bishop.
344
00:12:12,071 --> 00:12:13,805
But did he say he was Winston's dad?
345
00:12:13,873 --> 00:12:15,607
I showed him a picture of Winston,
346
00:12:15,675 --> 00:12:17,476
and he burst into tears.
347
00:12:17,543 --> 00:12:19,711
- So no.
- I'm sorry.
348
00:12:19,779 --> 00:12:21,079
Winston was freaking out
349
00:12:21,147 --> 00:12:22,748
about being a father and kept saying
350
00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:24,349
he wished he could meet his dad.
351
00:12:24,417 --> 00:12:25,951
Of course you can sleep over, Dad.
352
00:12:26,019 --> 00:12:27,019
The couch lets out.
353
00:12:27,086 --> 00:12:28,419
Love you, son.
354
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:30,489
- I love you, too, Pop.
- Mm-mm. This is bad.
355
00:12:30,556 --> 00:12:32,536
They are getting closer every minute.
356
00:12:32,607 --> 00:12:33,959
You need to fix this right now.
357
00:12:34,027 --> 00:12:36,161
Okay, Aly, I got this.
358
00:12:36,229 --> 00:12:38,330
If you don't, when I have the strength
359
00:12:38,398 --> 00:12:40,999
to wrap these hands
around your tiny little neck,
360
00:12:41,067 --> 00:12:42,334
I will do so.
361
00:12:43,403 --> 00:12:44,369
And I will smile.
362
00:12:47,681 --> 00:12:49,349
- This is all your fault.
- This is all your fault.
363
00:12:49,374 --> 00:12:50,491
- Don't talk to me, okay?
- No, don't talk to me.
364
00:12:50,546 --> 00:12:51,772
Now you're just gonna sit there
and mimic me?
365
00:12:51,843 --> 00:12:52,776
Don't do the thing with the hands.
366
00:12:52,844 --> 00:12:53,967
- Grow up!
- You grow up!
367
00:12:54,030 --> 00:12:55,256
- Are you kidding me right now?
- Are you kidding me?
368
00:12:55,327 --> 00:12:56,601
- Don't talk to me.
- Don't do the Cece to me.
369
00:12:56,672 --> 00:12:57,639
Don't do the Nick to me.
370
00:12:57,706 --> 00:12:59,240
Mommy!
371
00:12:59,291 --> 00:13:01,640
- Hey!
- Uncle Nick.
372
00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:03,911
Hi, honey. I am so sorry.
373
00:13:03,979 --> 00:13:05,113
You must be hungry. Right?
374
00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,015
No worries, 'cause Uncle Nick
375
00:13:07,082 --> 00:13:08,683
- has your sandwich.
- I do. I have your sandwich.
376
00:13:08,751 --> 00:13:11,319
Here you go.
377
00:13:11,387 --> 00:13:13,354
You ate it.
378
00:13:13,422 --> 00:13:15,023
The truth is I sat on it.
379
00:13:15,090 --> 00:13:16,712
Maybe I took a bite.
I took a couple bites.
380
00:13:16,759 --> 00:13:18,705
- I ate a lot of it.
- You know what? It gonna be...
381
00:13:18,759 --> 00:13:20,461
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
382
00:13:20,529 --> 00:13:21,796
She is going full armadillo.
383
00:13:21,864 --> 00:13:23,998
I need my phone. Give me my phone.
384
00:13:24,066 --> 00:13:25,199
Well, I'm her godfather.
385
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:26,467
- I'm not a fisherman's vest.
- No.
386
00:13:26,535 --> 00:13:27,935
What you are is the human equivalent
387
00:13:28,003 --> 00:13:29,604
of the crack between two couch cushions.
388
00:13:29,672 --> 00:13:31,099
Grab her. I'm gonna go start the car.
389
00:13:31,154 --> 00:13:33,224
So, anyway, I'm on the back of a Jet Ski
390
00:13:33,248 --> 00:13:34,371
- with Cornel West.
- Mm-hmm.
391
00:13:34,396 --> 00:13:36,868
And he tells me, "Hey, you're
leaning too far to the left."
392
00:13:36,912 --> 00:13:38,479
I said, "No, you leaning
too far to the left."
393
00:13:38,547 --> 00:13:39,647
Oh!
394
00:13:39,715 --> 00:13:41,616
I see what you did. I see it.
395
00:13:41,684 --> 00:13:42,939
Y'all talking about Cornel West?
396
00:13:42,978 --> 00:13:44,952
- Dad's got stories for days.
- I bet.
397
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:47,522
I bet. Anyway,
why don't we button mash this
398
00:13:47,589 --> 00:13:49,490
for next week and, um, Van,
I can give you a ride home.
399
00:13:49,558 --> 00:13:50,658
Wait, what? No.
400
00:13:50,726 --> 00:13:52,560
No, no, no, no. He just got here.
401
00:13:52,628 --> 00:13:54,829
You know, I want to talk
about the old days in Chicago.
402
00:13:54,897 --> 00:13:55,863
Never been there. Garbage city.
403
00:13:55,931 --> 00:13:57,732
Yeah, it has its bad parts,
404
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,368
but, you know, the education
system is getting...
405
00:14:00,436 --> 00:14:02,488
- Wait. You've never been there?
- Never been there.
406
00:14:02,513 --> 00:14:03,855
You know what?
I totally know what he means,
407
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,011
because I feel like sometimes
408
00:14:06,051 --> 00:14:07,675
I've never been to L.A.,
and I live here.
409
00:14:07,743 --> 00:14:09,744
You know what I mean?
Like, ask me where the ocean is.
410
00:14:09,812 --> 00:14:11,212
"Uh, to the left?" I don't know.
411
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:12,613
- Should we hit the road?
- Jess?
412
00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,482
What's going on?
413
00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:19,487
Oh, no. Ruth hasn't been signed out.
414
00:14:19,555 --> 00:14:21,889
Um, excuse me. Um, have you seen Ruth?
415
00:14:21,957 --> 00:14:25,526
Brown hair, smile that would
shake the earth, hates peas?
416
00:14:25,594 --> 00:14:27,261
A white man broke in today.
417
00:14:27,329 --> 00:14:29,597
A... a white man?! No!
418
00:14:29,665 --> 00:14:31,699
Well, what did security do about it?!
419
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:34,202
- Nothing.
- Typical!
420
00:14:34,269 --> 00:14:35,603
I'm calling Cece.
421
00:14:38,974 --> 00:14:41,309
Go for Brian.
422
00:14:41,376 --> 00:14:43,845
Who the heck is Brian?! Where's Cece?!
423
00:14:44,947 --> 00:14:46,647
All right, Ruth,
424
00:14:46,715 --> 00:14:48,783
let's find something
to play with inside this, uh,
425
00:14:48,851 --> 00:14:52,309
pillowcase of crap your future
godfather brought you.
426
00:14:52,364 --> 00:14:54,180
- Oh, God. Okay.
- There's this thing.
427
00:14:54,256 --> 00:14:56,724
- Put that down.
- Yeah, put that down right there.
428
00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:58,626
Look at this! We got an old beeper.
429
00:14:58,694 --> 00:15:00,595
You can pretend to be a-a doctor,
430
00:15:00,662 --> 00:15:02,630
or a late '90s drug dealer.
431
00:15:02,698 --> 00:15:04,799
- What's a drug dealer?
- Don't give her that.
432
00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:06,334
Gah, Ma, stop being such a narc.
433
00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:09,937
Okay, thank God you're alive.
434
00:15:10,005 --> 00:15:11,405
Of course we're alive.
What are you doing here?
435
00:15:11,473 --> 00:15:13,025
I went to the school; Ruth wasn't there.
436
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,442
They told me a white man
tried to hop the fence,
437
00:15:14,510 --> 00:15:17,145
and some man named Brian
answered your phone.
438
00:15:17,212 --> 00:15:18,946
- Hi.
- What happened?
439
00:15:19,014 --> 00:15:20,882
- Nick ate her sandwich.
- I had one bite of her sandwich.
440
00:15:20,949 --> 00:15:22,650
Guess, technically, "inhaled" it.
441
00:15:22,718 --> 00:15:24,585
- I didn't inhale it!
- Guys, please.
442
00:15:24,653 --> 00:15:26,754
It's not a big deal.
I'll make her another sandwich.
443
00:15:26,822 --> 00:15:28,623
No, you won't.
444
00:15:28,690 --> 00:15:31,592
About that. So...
445
00:15:33,495 --> 00:15:35,129
We're out of peanut butter.
446
00:15:35,197 --> 00:15:36,497
What do you mean,
we're out of peanut butter?
447
00:15:36,565 --> 00:15:38,481
I know. Okay,
there was just too much to do.
448
00:15:38,551 --> 00:15:41,609
- And those binders. It is not possible!
- I do this every day.
449
00:15:41,670 --> 00:15:43,471
You see, that's when
the-the Chicago Cubs won the
450
00:15:43,539 --> 00:15:46,099
World Series, and, uh, all the
players signed it.
451
00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:49,060
I need you to just be careful, 'cause
it's worth a lot of money.
452
00:15:49,114 --> 00:15:50,444
I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.
453
00:15:50,512 --> 00:15:52,313
I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't...
454
00:15:52,381 --> 00:15:55,149
- Did Nick fix our child?
- What are you doing?
455
00:15:55,217 --> 00:15:57,168
- Just making it pretty.
- You're ruining it.
456
00:15:57,246 --> 00:15:59,720
Your face ruined it!
You're a dumb raccoon.
457
00:15:59,788 --> 00:16:01,504
- Accurate.
- Oh. As a godfather,
458
00:16:01,558 --> 00:16:02,910
I got to push through that.
459
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:05,543
Ooh, that's work.
460
00:16:05,629 --> 00:16:08,095
- I got to go back.
- What about spa time?
461
00:16:08,163 --> 00:16:10,798
I need to zap my frown lines.
462
00:16:10,866 --> 00:16:13,501
Oh. Uh, honey.
463
00:16:13,569 --> 00:16:15,803
You know what, honey?
464
00:16:15,871 --> 00:16:19,140
We can do pretend Botox
on another day, okay?
465
00:16:19,208 --> 00:16:21,209
Why?
466
00:16:21,276 --> 00:16:23,177
Because Daddy has to go sell
467
00:16:23,245 --> 00:16:25,313
a Mexican product to Americans
468
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:26,981
so that Japanese people
469
00:16:27,049 --> 00:16:28,382
can make money.
470
00:16:28,450 --> 00:16:30,518
I'm sorry.
471
00:16:30,586 --> 00:16:33,187
- Bye.
- Bye.
472
00:16:37,226 --> 00:16:39,360
- Jess, is he not my dad?
- Is he not my son?
473
00:16:39,428 --> 00:16:41,195
Before I answer that,
I want you guys to know
474
00:16:41,263 --> 00:16:43,497
I had an accomplice in this,
and her name is Google.
475
00:16:43,565 --> 00:16:44,699
Maybe I'm a little confused here.
476
00:16:44,766 --> 00:16:46,234
I called you "Dad," you called me "son"
477
00:16:46,301 --> 00:16:47,902
for hours. I sat on your lap.
478
00:16:47,970 --> 00:16:49,370
We ate pistachios together.
479
00:16:49,438 --> 00:16:51,739
I love pistachios. She told me
480
00:16:51,807 --> 00:16:53,507
that you were my son,
and I believed her.
481
00:16:53,575 --> 00:16:56,210
I mean, you could be.
The '80s were a blur.
482
00:16:56,278 --> 00:16:58,813
And I toured the country
in a Van Morrison cover band.
483
00:16:58,881 --> 00:17:00,548
You did? Did you play
the Portland Rec Center?
484
00:17:00,616 --> 00:17:03,451
Oh, maybe. It was a wild time back then.
485
00:17:05,587 --> 00:17:08,556
♪ Hide behind a rainbow wall ♪
486
00:17:08,624 --> 00:17:11,859
♪ Slipping and sliding all along ♪
487
00:17:11,927 --> 00:17:14,595
♪ The waterfall with you ♪
488
00:17:14,663 --> 00:17:16,530
♪ My brown-eyed girl ♪
489
00:17:16,598 --> 00:17:18,532
♪ You are my ♪
490
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,867
♪ Brown-eyed girl ♪
491
00:17:19,927 --> 00:17:22,550
I can't, I can't, uh...
492
00:17:22,628 --> 00:17:24,538
I-I got to go.
I can't, I can't be here right now.
493
00:17:26,341 --> 00:17:27,675
Oh!
494
00:17:27,743 --> 00:17:29,110
- Oh.
- Ooh!
495
00:17:31,423 --> 00:17:33,709
♪ Brown-eyed girl ♪
496
00:17:36,137 --> 00:17:38,404
Mr. Yukimura, uh, I apologize.
497
00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:40,401
- Sell me some salsa.
- Okay, here we go.
498
00:17:40,469 --> 00:17:42,332
Well, what do we know about salsa?
499
00:17:42,407 --> 00:17:44,809
We know that it's a gift...
500
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,798
from another culture.
501
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:53,271
Schmidt?!
502
00:17:54,234 --> 00:17:56,669
Are you with us?
503
00:17:57,661 --> 00:18:00,712
Yes. Uh, it's just...
504
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,350
You don't know how important
salsa is until it's gone.
505
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,520
You keep it in the back of
your fridge, taking for granted
506
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,121
that it'll be there.
507
00:18:10,189 --> 00:18:11,523
But once it's gone,
508
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,192
you realize you can't go
a single day without it.
509
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:18,363
Señor Cha Cha's Salsa:
510
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:21,165
the salsa that belongs
in the front of your fridge.
511
00:18:24,222 --> 00:18:27,024
Sure. Throw in a dragon
with a sombrero and I'm in.
512
00:18:27,055 --> 00:18:28,172
Great job.
513
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:30,540
Moshi moshi.
514
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:33,044
Hi, Mama Bear and Papa Bear.
515
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:36,247
Goldilocks is here with an apology,
516
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,017
- and it's gonna be just right.
- Aly?
517
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:41,185
- Uh-huh.
- Will you please tell Jess to leave?
518
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:42,720
You're not gonna talk to her?
519
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,023
It's okay. Winston can
talk to me when he's ready.
520
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,425
Baby, she didn't do it on purpose.
521
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:51,396
It's not her fault that she has
zero detective skills,
522
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,498
and there's another Van Bishop
in Los Angeles.
523
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,266
Which is crazy.
524
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:57,235
- Her heart was in the right place.
- It was, and
525
00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:00,538
should I have let a strange man
in the house? No!
526
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:03,541
Will it take a very long time
for you to forgive me?
527
00:19:03,609 --> 00:19:05,243
Yes. Years.
528
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,214
Okay. I get it.
529
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:11,783
I'll go. Um...
530
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:18,756
I think this belongs to Leslie now.
531
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:27,765
For what it's worth, you are
more prepared to be a father
532
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,448
than anyone I know,
and that includes Schmidt.
533
00:19:30,518 --> 00:19:33,846
And look, you'll have
good days and bad days.
534
00:19:33,908 --> 00:19:35,506
But you'll never be alone.
535
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:39,592
And just remember,
you don't have to have had a dad
536
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:40,612
to be a great dad.
537
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,854
Here.
538
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,158
Thank you. I won't let you down.
539
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:56,083
And you know what your mom looks like,
540
00:19:56,145 --> 00:19:57,645
so I'm never gonna present you
541
00:19:57,669 --> 00:19:58,862
- with a fake mom...
- Mm.
542
00:19:58,887 --> 00:20:00,020
- I'll stop.
- Too soon.
543
00:20:00,044 --> 00:20:01,386
Hey, family,
544
00:20:01,411 --> 00:20:03,234
I've been sitting on the curb
the last two hours, thinking.
545
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:05,036
Look, I know I'm not your real dad,
546
00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:06,704
but a part of me wishes I was.
547
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:08,406
You know, you're a hell of a kid.
548
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:11,042
So if you ever need somebody
to play catch with you,
549
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,477
or give you the real deal
550
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,979
when you step out of line,
give me a call.
551
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,948
Nah, dawg. I'm good.
552
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,883
That makes sense.
553
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,792
- Okay.
- Okay.
554
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,928
Am I still wearing makeup?
555
00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:33,931
You look like my grandmother
right before she went insane.
556
00:20:33,999 --> 00:20:35,299
Good, great.
557
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,603
I'm sorry I went overboard
with the binders before.
558
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,438
No, no. I'm sorry.
559
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:44,342
I honestly don't know how
you do this every single day.
560
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:45,643
How was work?
561
00:20:45,711 --> 00:20:47,679
- Frickin' crushed it.
- Oh, great.
562
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:50,114
- And I think I want to quit.
- What? Really?
563
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:53,785
I just kept wishing that I was
here, taking care of Ruth.
564
00:20:53,852 --> 00:20:55,520
It's the best job I've ever had.
565
00:20:55,587 --> 00:21:00,291
What would you think if...
I was home full-time?
566
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:04,996
I think that anything
that makes you happy
567
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,632
and keeps those binders away from me,
568
00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,701
that's what you should do.
569
00:21:15,083 --> 00:21:16,074
Aah!
570
00:21:16,099 --> 00:21:17,608
- What is that?! Bear!
- Yeah.
571
00:21:21,364 --> 00:21:23,388
And stay out!
572
00:21:23,998 --> 00:21:25,465
You bear!
573
00:21:29,611 --> 00:21:32,356
It's all clear, honey! I got rid of him!
574
00:21:32,551 --> 00:21:37,551
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
42031
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