All language subtitles for Mom.S05E20.HDTV.x264-SVA[ettv]

All right,
we're off to the meeting.

Have fun or cry,
or whatever you guys do.

I have fun making other people cry.

- Did you find your keys yet?
- Oh, yeah. Ten minutes ago.

Now I'm just crawling
around looking for snacks.

I told you a million times,

- if you put your keys in the same...
- Bup-bup-bup.

Maybe I left them upstairs.

At some point tonight,
between hockey fights,

could you throw away
your tuna sandwich

that's been sitting there since lunch?

- I'll get to it.
- Will you, though?

'Cause "I'll get to it" has
kind of been your motto lately,

only things
never actually get got to.

If it bothers you so
much, why don't you do it?

'Cause I told you to do it.

I was
actually gonna do it,

but... you just made it
a thing.

It's only a thing

'cause you made it a thing,
thing maker.

Couldn't find them.
I promise I will put everything

back in the closet
when we get home.

Better do it right away,
or it could become a thing.

Mom, can you just drive?

Unbelievable... you can't
keep track of your keys,

so I get inconvenienced.

Oh, look... I found your keys.

Why do you have them?

I borrowed your car
to go to the store

when I couldn't
find my keys. Anyway...

you drive.

Oh, and you're on empty.

- I'll try not to kill her.
- Whatever happens, happens.

Nice work...
You made us late

and now Wendy's in my seat.

- It's not your seat.
- Yeah, not today, thanks to you.

I need my sponsor.
I need my sponsor.

You will never guess
what my mother just did.

You do realize that's
how you say hello.

- I'm sorry. Hello.
- Hi.

You will never guess
what my mother just did.

Instead of diving into that
all-too-familiar pool of resentment,

let me ask you something.

You're 40 years old, right?

Not on Tinder.

- You have a... a job?
- Yes. Mm-hmm.

And your mother drives
you absolutely bananas.

- Oh, yeah.
- So why do you still live with her?

Wendy, I think you're
sitting on something.

- Oh, what?
- My chair.

Did you see
what your mother just did?

I know. Why the hell do
I still live with her?

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*MOM*
Season 05 Episode 20

Episode Title :
"Ocular Fluid and Fighting Robots"

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What is happening today?
Now you're stealing my seat?

I am middle.

What does it matter?

That way I can have fries
no matter who orders them.

Fine.

- Wait, I have to pee. Get up.
- Oh!

That's why I like sitting
next to you...

You have the bladder
of a camel.

And the outsides of a much
more attractive animal.

Do you guys think it's weird

that I still live with my mother?

I mean, she's asking,
so we can answer, right?

She opened the door...
Walk on through.

Okay, it's kind of like
if you hated muffins,

but you decided to live
in a muffin factory.

Oh, I'd love to live
in a muffin factory.

What is a muffin factory?
Isn't it just a bakery?

"Bakery" implies that
there'd also be bread.

We don't have a lot of time!

Yes. You living with
your mother is weird.

Really weird.

Like "people talk about it"
weird.

But not us.

What do you think?

Well, when you were both
getting sober, it made sense.

But, uh,
time has passed.

A lot of time has passed.

- Are you moving out?
- I'm not sure.

Nora told me to figure
out what my options are,

but I think
I'm too poor for options.

Christy...

I see you fishing
for an invitation,

and I love you like
sweet tea,

but living together
always ruins a friendship.

You know, the way
children ruin a marriage.

- There's plenty of room at my house.
- Oh, yeah, do that.

One of my roommates is moving out

'cause she "fell in love."

I don't know.

Maybe moving is more
trouble than it's worth.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

Up.

Oh, damn it, I forgot to put
money in the meter. Up again.

So, would I get my own bathroom?

Hurry up, Bonnie!

Hey!

Perfection takes time.

You know...
while you were waiting,

you could have thrown
away that sandwich.

Could have.

Didn't.

Are you gonna get dressed?

I am dressed.

You're wearing a T-shirt.

And pants and shoes
and... let's go.

You know what that
T-shirt says to me?

It says "the woman I'm with

isn't worth
buttons and sleeves."

To me, it says the
"University of North Dakota."

I'd like you to change.

My clothes or who I am?

Both.

Not happening.

Well, then I am no longer
in the mood for dinner.

- But I'm starving.
- Then eat your sandwich!

So, Christy, what'd
you think of the place?

I love it.

There's so much light and...

hope.

We won't charge extra for that.

It gets better...
It's Peter's night to cook,

and he makes his own pasta.

Wow. A fireplace,
hardwood floors

and homemade pasta?

- I'm getting lightheaded.
- Are you a diabetic?

Have you traveled to
any tropical countries

in the last six months?

It's just my socially awkward way

of saying I'm happy.

Oh, got it. Sorry.

We're kind of in nurse
mode all the time.

Well, I can't afford
health insurance,

so that's another plus.

Mmm.

Peter, this is delicious.

Oh. Cooking relaxes me...
Which I really needed

after a day of assisting
Dr. Clevenger.

The worst.

So full of himself.
Like he's the only surgeon

who's ever resected a bowel without
spilling fecal matter into the abdomen.

I helped him remove a
giant tumor the other day...

It burst like a water balloon.

Larry slipped in the pus.

More sauce?

I'm good.

So, is that an apple tree out back?

Yeah. In the fall,
we make cider.

Oh.

Apple cider by the fireplace.

How wonderful.

Remember when that
teenager came into the E.R.

with the apple lodged in his eye socket?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

His friend shot it out of
an air cannon, and boom,

nothing but apple sauce and ocular
fluid oozing out of the hole.

Oh, boy.

This is so fun.

If you live here, we
can do this every night.

Ooh. And when we extracted

the apple, the ocular nerve

came stretching out like a rubber band.

Where's your bathroom?

He won't throw away
the damn sandwich.

It's been four days... if
it's still there tomorrow,

I think I'm within my
rights to set him on fire.

Why didn't you share about it?

Maybe she knows how
ridiculous it sounds.

This used to be a safe space, Marjorie.

And then you started
coming and we've adjusted.

Pow!

Hit her back, Bonnie...
This is getting good.

I'm genuinely worried.

Boyfriend Adam made an effort,

Fiancé Adam is slacking off.

At this rate,
Husband Adam will only be

hockey games,
ball scratches and farts.

At least you'll be married.

Will I? We set a date,
but we haven't told anybody...

I can still wiggle out of this.

Over a sandwich.

Safe space, Marjorie,
safe space.

Ralph's watching the kids
I'm a free woman.

I can go nuts, as long as
I'm home by 9:30.

Oh. Okay. Um, you know what?

I'm gonna meet you
there. I have a feeling

this one is hovering
with a purpose.

Sorry. Mm.

Okay...

- I did what you said.
- Mm-hmm.

- I looked at my other options.
- Good for you.

I can afford a studio apartment

that used to be a guest bathroom,

a basement out of
Silence of the Lambs

or I can move into a
gorgeous house with Wendy

and never eat again.

So...?

None of them are better
than what I've got now,

so I guess
I'm stuck living with my mom.

No. You're choosing to live with her.

Well, I wouldn't use those words.

- I'm gonna need you to.
- Why?

Because if you're
stuck, you're a victim.

There's power
in making a choice.

So I want to hear you say,

"I'm choosing to live with my mother""

Fine.

I am choosing to live with my mother.

You thought that was
gonna be hard for me,

but it really wasn't.

I am choosing to live with my mother.

- Great. Then you got to be nice to her.
- What?

You expect me to live with
my mother and be nice to her?

Why don't you just ask me
to solve global warming?

Well, if you can do that,
you need to go ahead and do it,

- but right now let's focus on your mom.
- Ugh!

Yeah, but that's what
I'm talking about.

That "ugh" stuff has got to stop.

But that's what comes out
when I focus on my mother.

In the program, we talk about
being loving and tolerant.

When it comes to your
mother, you are neither.

Ugh!

Just to be clear, that
one was directed at you.

Wait. Exactly how nice to
my mother do I have to be?

Because I feel like any day I
don't hit her with a rock is a win.

Well, for starters, you can't talk
about wanting to hit her with a rock.

It doesn't have to be a rock.

I don't want you to say mean
things to her or about her.

I need you to be kind
all the time.

- But I don't...
- Be kind, be kind, be kind.

But if I keep all my hate inside,

I'm gonna pop... I'm not that big.

You're gonna keep it all inside.

Every time
you're angry at your mom,

I want you to do
something nice for her.

That's crazy.

I'll be doing nice things
for her all the time.

That's right. And
here's the tricky part.

You haven't told me
the tricky part yet?

You can't tell her
the nice things you do,

or anybody else,
including me.

I don't want to hear it.

Wait, I don't even get credit?

I changed my mind.

I'll live in Wendy's
house of oozing eyeballs.

The point is, to feel love,

you have to do love.

Hi, see you later. Hey, guys.

- See you in a minute.
- Oh, good.

You're doing
all your whining to her.

Then we won't have to
hear it at the bistro.

Kiss my ass, Mom!

Oh, am I supposed
to start now?

- Morning.
- Morning.

Where'd the coffee go?

I started a pot before
I took my shower.

- I drank it.
- The whole pot?

Great.
I hope you enjoyed it.

Meh.

I like your boots.

You can't have 'em.

What the hell would
I do with gigantic work...

So, what are you up to today, Mom?

I'm going to the Home Depot.

That sounds exciting.

Compared to your life, sure.

Good one, Mom.

You sure have a fun energy.

Well, I've got a pot of
coffee in me. That helps.

- Later.
- Bye.

I hope you have a super day.

Drinks all the freakin' coffee I made.

Maybe I want some of the
freakin' coffee I made.

No, no, no. No.

Do something nice. Do something nice.

Like pick up her sweater
that she dumped in the fruit bowl.

'Cause that's where that belongs.

Probably shoves her
socks in the crisper.

She is the most selfish,
inconsiderate, petty,

narcissistic, lazy,
coffee-hogging monster.

Well, I can't put this
perfectly folded sweater

on this catastrophe of a bed.

I am a spiritual giant.

Oh, when did you get here?

Uh, just a few minutes ago.
Where's your mom?

- She went to Home Depot.
- Home Depot? I'm gonna need a beer.

- I'll get it.
- Thanks.

So your mom's been a real
pain in the ass lately, huh?

Uh...

No.

Come on, that's why
I came over early,

so we could both vent.

It's like our tiny support group.

Bonnie Anonymous.

I... love my mom.

That is why I choose
to live here with her.

Oh, God, is she behind me?

Can't I say nice things about my mom

without it being weird?

I don't think so.

Whoa, leave that.
It's still in play.

Really?
It's been sitting here for days.

It smells so bad,
even Gus won't eat it.

Look, whoever throws away
that sandwich

will be the weak one
in our marriage,

forever, till the day we die.

Your vows are gonna be amazing.

Well, I got stuck in line
behind a lesbian couple

building a deck.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Not that we dress for
dinner around here.

There are over 40 places
in this town

that are okay with a T-shirt.

- I Yelped!
- "I Yelped." I'll make you yelp.

Aw...

look what he did.

Hey, after I shower,

how 'bout we catch that
movie you wanted to see?

The one with the fighting robots?

Yeah.

Wow. Okay.

Thanks.

And then how about
I change my shirt

so we can go to dinner, too?

Really?

That would be nice.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm telling you, this last week,

Adam has been
a totally different guy.

Every time I turn around,
boom,

he's done another nice thing.

Mmm.

He keeps making the bed,

he's done the laundry
twice, he even vacuumed.

He's like a maid
you can have sex with.

Best part, he never says a word.

Doesn't need the credit.
That's how amazing he is.

Hey, this is silk.

Well, bring it over to our house.

Maybe Adam can clean it
for you,

without taking credit.

Christy, are you okay?

I'm fine.
I just got a tough chicken.

Well, I'm glad
Adam is making an effort

so you don't have to die alone.

- Jury's still out on that.
- Why?

Because... there's a little part of me

that thinks this is a trap...
I mean, like, what if he's doing

all these nice things to trick
me into picking up the sandwich?

Yeah. Or you could just take
the nice things he's doing

at face value, and not assume
people are out to get you.

Sure. I'll just jump on the
bullet train to Chump Town.

Lot of happy marriages
in Chump Town.

I'm not arguing with you,

I am just saying you
are completely wrong.

The nicer I am,
the angrier I get.

It's only been a week...
Give it time.

I know you told me that
I couldn't take credit,

but you didn't tell me that
I would have to watch someone else

get credit day after
day after day after day.

After day!

Oh. That must be hard.

That's what I'm saying.

Too bad. Keep doing it.

Now, I got to go.

- But what if I...
- I really got to go.

And now with the
weather, here's Nora Rogers.

Hope you got
those jackets ready,

'cause tonight's gonna
be a chilly one. Uh-huh.

And going into Tue...

Oh, for God's sake.

Stop being an idiot!

Just throw away
the damn sandwich!

- Uh...
- What?

You've never yelled at me
before.

Sorry.

I've been swallowing
a lot of anger lately.

Christy, I want to throw it away

'cause your mom's been
so nice lately,

but it's kind of like Vietnam...
I know I need to get out,

but how can I achieve
peace with honor?

Maybe you should stop treating
your relationship like a war.

You guys are both on the same side.

You're right.

Unless you're in on it.

What are you talking about?

Maybe she got you to say these
things so you could trick me

into throwing the sandwich
away, so then I'm the guy...

I sound like I'm crazy,
don't I?

I'm just gonna throw
the sandwich away.

Good.

And next time you two
draw a line in the sand,

can it not be with tuna?

- What are you doing?
- I am throwing away this sandwich

because I love you.

No! I wanted to throw it away

- because I love you.
- Too late. It's done.

I'm sorry I told you what to do.

I'm sorry you had to.

I really should make
more of an effort.

That's the most romantic
thing you've ever said to me.

Mmm, Adam.

And I know I'm not supposed
to be telling you this,

but I picked up her
sweater and put it away.

And while I was doing it,
I didn't want to kill her.

I was too busy
being happy for her.

What did you do to me?

I didn't do it, you did.

I just made a suggestion.

Well, it worked.

Good. Maybe next time you
won't push back so hard.

I won't.

Yeah, you will.

Also, you're gonna need
an umbrella tonight.

But it's sunny.

You're gonna have
to learn to trust me.

Here you go.

Here you go. Here you go.

- What's this?
- This is the "Save the Date" card

for my wedding.

You may or may not be
invited, but save the date.

Oh.

You ready to be a bridesmaid?

Mm, God, my skin's already
itching from the polyester.

It's official... I am no longer
backing out, I'm locking it in.

So Adam wasn't
just trying to trick you?

No, Marjorie, you were wrong.

Oh, my God, Christy,
what's wrong?

You... made me love my mother,

and now she's leaving me.

Told you.

Oh, God.

We're in Vietnam again?

This is me doing nice things.

'Cause that's what I do...
I'm a nice thing doer.

Hey, what the hell
happened to my lunch?

Oops.

Gus?

Did you eat my sandwich?

And the plate?

See you later, Mom!

Enjoy your sandwich!

Oh. Hey, Adam.

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