All language subtitles for Kevin can wait s01e22

Hey, finish your breakfast.
You're gonna be late for school.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Well, when you're livin'
in a cardboard box looking for cans

so you can have some hot soup,

you'll wish you'd listened to me.

Whoa, five minutes late for school,

and you got him living in a box?

With the possibility of hot soup.

Morning, Gables.

Uh, hey. I made some
oatmeal in the Crock-Pot.

Yeah, I'm gonna give that a Crock-Pass.

Let me guess.

You still full from the ice
cream you had last night?

That's right.

I heard you get out of bed
and come down to the kitchen.

Okay, well, then you
also heard the faucet

because all I got was a glass of water,
so...

So you're sayin'
that if I went to the freezer right now,

there'd still be that

mint chocolate chip ice cream in there?

That's what I'm sayin'.

Check if you want. I won't be offended.

I really wouldn't care if you were.

- Aw. Stings, don't it?
- All right.

No. I'm happy to be wrong.

Mm.

Mom, sometimes he tricks you

by putting the empty carton back in.

Hey.

Yeah, I've been burned by that before.

Come on.

Ah.

Oh. Still full, huh?

This is... I gotta be honest.
It's getting embarrassing.

That's weird, huh?

Oh, my gosh. That's... You know what?

That's... this is...
We gotta write them a letter.

See? This is exactly why
you are not gonna end up

at Mets Fantasy Camp.

- You said I could go!
- No. We had a deal, remember?

Yes, I remember.
It was, like, six months ago.

It was right here in this kitchen.

I was eatin' Oreos,
and you came in with the news.

Hey.

How would you like to go to
Mets Fantasy Camp this year?

- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.

I might even throw in a
personalized pitching session

with one Ron Darling.

Why are you doing this?!

Because you are an amazing husband,
an incredible father.

That's what you deserve.

The only part of that conversation

that you got right was the Oreos.

Hey.

How would you like to go to
Mets Fantasy Camp this year?

- Are you kidding me?
- Nope, but there's a catch.

As you know, or you probably don't,
but you should,

we need to renew

our life insurance policy in six months,

which means we have
to take a blood test.

- Got it.
- I don't think you do.

Um...

if your cholesterol
numbers come in high,

our premium goes up,
and that's not good.

But if they come in low,
our premium goes down,

we save money,
and you know what happens then?

- Pass the savings on to me!
- Exactly!

And I'm going to fantasy camp!

Only if you can get
your cholesterol down.

- Done deal.
- Okay?

Yep, I'm good.

You know, that means you have
to stop eating cookies, right?

I just heard the information.

You gotta give a man
a second to celebrate.

Donna, I got this.

All right, whenever I'm faced
with something like this,

- I always employ my 3-pronged system.
- Oh.

Prong number one... Laser focus.

Prong number two... Commitment.

Prong number three... Action.

So what happened to
your 3-pronged system?

Look, I'm just gonna be honest with you.

I, uh...

I forgot the first prong.

Right. Sure.

All right, I figured it out.
I-I got a whole new approach.

No, babe, I really...
I honestly I don't wanna hear it.

Because it's...
it's really my fault, you know?

I thought that fantasy
camp would motivate you

to get your cholesterol down,
but, you know, I was wrong.

No, no, no. It did.
I'm telling you it did.

I just forgot that it did.
But now I am locked in.

And I got three brand-new prongs.

Oh, my God. The test is a week away.

- Prong number one...
- Oh, my God.

I do go to fantasy camp.

- Not happening.
- Let me finish.

Prong number two...
I work out while I'm down there.

I'm eating egg whites.
I'm doing green shakes.

I'm running wind sprints with
Darryl Strawberry, right?

Then prong number three...
I came back two months later.

We take the test then.

Stop.

Your plan is that we go two
months without life insurance?

Do you think I'm gonna roll those dice?

You don't think I can
stay alive for 60 days?

It's just...

I don't understand why this is so hard,
you know?

I think that you should want
to take care of yourself.

That you'd want to see your
kids grow up, you know?

Maybe one day hold your grandchildren.

Mm, I need something more tangible.

That's funny.

You know what? After
your heart explodes,

I am going to make sure
to tell husband number two

how hilarious my first husband was.

You're a cut-up.

Really? Second husband?

Yeah. Well, baby, I'm gonna move on.

- How soon?
- I don't know.

How long you been dead?

Let's say three months.

Okay, three months.
Um, well, you know, I'm not lookin'.

But I'm not not lookin'.

I hope you're still wearing black.

Well, no, of course.
But... I look great in black, so...

you know, there's gonna be a lot
of guys that are gonna wanna get

with the sad girl in the pencil skirt.

Hmm. That's until he finds
out you got three kids

and a weird British guy
living in your garage.

I'm tellin' ya, he's gonna run.

Yeah, but he's not gonna run
from my life insurance money.

Oh, honey, why do you think
I got such a big policy?

'Cause me and hubby number two,

we're gonna be living in style,
slap it high.

Yeah.

Okay.

No, come on. Give Mama some love, huh?

Enough. Give it to number two.

Mr. Gable, there is a way to do it.

What?

Your Mets camp.

I couldn't help overhearing
your conversation

with Mrs. Gable.

I can help you lower your
cholesterol before the test.

It's in a week.

If you do everything
that I tell you to do,

you will lower your
numbers significantly.

What do you know about any of this?

You're built like a pretzel rod.

Mr. Gable, I'm about
to show you something

that I haven't shown to
anyone in this country.

A paycheck?

It never gets old.

Okay, get ready to
know Chale Eugene Witt

just a little bit better.

This is my deepest secret, and I trust

that you will treat it with sensitivity.

So you have a fat sister.
What's the big deal?

Look closer.

Whoa!

That's you? Chale!

Why, you were a big boy.

What's with the hair?

My mother told me that long
hair has a slimming effect.

Mama's a liar.

The only reason that I show you this

is because at a certain
point in my life,

I got very serious about losing weight

- and getting healthy.
- Wait a second.

Kids ever call you "Chale the Whale"?

- Yes. They did. Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Now cholesterol is just one...
- Ha ha.

How 'bout "Chale broke the scale"?

They ever come up with that one?

Yes, yes. Thank you.
Again, now what we can do...

Last one. "Free Willy,
the U.K. edition."

Mr. Gable, do you want to pass
your cholesterol test or not?

Listen, is this thing Photoshopped?

Do these look Photoshopped?!

I keep these old pants to
remind me of darker days.

Wow, that is a lot of dungaree.

Um, needless to say,

Kendra knows nothing of this,

and I would prefer to keep it that way.

Fine. So what's the
plan? I got seven days.

A high intensity master juice cleanse.

Great.

Then if you do this,
your numbers will be so low,

I guarantee you will pass the test.

As long as it gets me to Fantasy Camp,
I'm good.

Just so you understand,
this is a week of no solid food.

Just a juice mixture which
I will prepare for you

every single day.

Love juice. I'm a juice guy.

You will sweat uncontrollably.

Been there.

All right. You sure you don't
want one slice of pizza?

They're using this new
spicy Italian sausage.

It's pretty special.

No, what are you tellin' him that for?
Man's on a diet.

Cleanse, guy. A cleanse.

It's already day two. I'm over the hump.

So let's just enjoy the game.

You sure are sweating
a lot. Is that normal?

See, now you see sweat.
I see cholesterol leavin' the body.

I mean, the heart flutters
every once in a while,

but Chale said that's...
Ooh, there it is.

What's up, babe? You
want a slice of pizza?

Enzo's making his own sausage now.

It is redonk!

Wow. You really don't care, do you?

What you talkin' about?

Five days until the blood test.

Five days, and you are
gonna be uninsurable.

That would save us a
lot of money, right?

The whole premium.

I'd be able to take these
guys to Fantasy Camp.

- Oh, yeah!
- I'm in!

Shut your face, shut your face.

I just want you to know

that when your test results come back,

this is all gonna change.

Okay, no pizza, no junk food, and, no,

a meatball hero is not Atkins.

What's goin' on?

The table is set.

This is going perfectly.

Yeah, seems like it.

But Donna can't know I'm cleansing,
all right?

Why not?

Because if she thinks I'm eating
the way I do now, normally,

and my numbers come in low,
she can't say anything.

I'll be able to eat whatever I
want for the rest of my life!

That is genius.

Yeah, I keep telling you guys,
write this stuff down

'cause I'm throwing out
gems left and right!

Mr. Gable. What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- Put down the cookies.

No, no, no, uh, I was just counting 'em.

Uh, there's, uh, this thing on the news

about cookie companies
cheating customers.

No, these are...

Yeah, they're all here.
They're good. Okay.

You are 11 hours away from
the test. Just stay strong.

Mr. Gable, please!

- I just want one.
- No, no, no, no, no.

This is day seven, okay?

Most people fall off and
start losing their minds.

Mis... No, honestly! Honestly!

- These are my friends!
- They are not your friends!

- I need these! They're my friends!
- Mr. Gable!

You're right at the finish line!

You've just gotta run
through the ribbon here.

- You're gonna do it.
- All right, fine.

This is ridiculous.

Hiding food in your own house.

Never! Never, Mr. Gable. Never!

Please don't fail me now!

Okay.

Is there any more food hidden?

Doritos in the dryer and
there's Oreos under the sink.

I'm sorry.

- Anything else?
- No.

Okay.

Yes.

Smoothie machine.

I'm so hungry.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Mr. Gable... you're scaring us.

He's gonna bite us.

We should run.

We don't have any legs!

Mr. Gable, you have the results?

No, not yet. Any minute, though.

Hey, listen, I wanna thank you.

This whole week was brutal,
but I-I got through it.

I did it.

Well, you know, when I did my diet,

I kind of used it as a springboard

to a healthier lifestyle

and a different relationship with food.

Yeah, me and food are pretty good.

In fact, you're kind
of like a third wheel.

I'm gonna be honest, you know.

- Enjoy that burger.
- Yep.

Honey, got an email
with the test results.

So you wanna look
together while you enjoy

your last cheeseburger?

Sorry, second of four cheeseburgers?

It's a whole wheat bun, though.
I mean, so it's heart smart.

Well, let's do it then, huh?

I mean, I hope this is a wake-up call.

- All right.
- Okay.

Oh, just what I thought.

Premium's gone up big time,
and here's why...

"Lipid levels... Above normal.

HDL cholesterol...
Elevated and concerning."

Wait a second. Where do you see that?

- Right there, huh?
- Oh, wow.

Oh, babe, honestly,
I hate to say I told you so,

- but I have to...
- No, I mean "wow,"

because all these years I had no clue

that Kevin was actually
spelled D-O-N-N-A!

What are you talking about?

You just read your own
results, Donna Gable.

What?

- You're the unhealthy one!
- What? No.

That can't be right.
What about your results, huh?

They're right here.

What have I got?
I got, uh, ooh, I'm at normal range.

What?

I'm in the normal range,
normal range, ooh,

it looks like somebody should be
on the cover of "Men's Health."

Yeah!

- What? No. Let me...
- Yes!

No, let me look at this, okay?

How is this possible?

I-I guess I won the gene lottery.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner... No.

Winner, winner, fried chicken dinner!

Hi, babe. Where you headed?

On a very long run.

I'm gonna make it hurt.

Good for you.

I mean, exercise,
it's just so important, you know?

You gotta get after
it. It's really good.

'Cause if you don't have your health,

you got nothin'. You really don't.

Uh-huh.

You know, hon...

Remember before when you thought
I was gonna be the unhealthy one

and you were kind of
teasing me about moving on?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, in light
of the recent events,

I just wanted to see
if you thought this one

as a potential wife number two.

Are you on a dating site?

What? No, no. It's women's powerlifting.

I'm going a different way.

It's not that you haven't been great,

- 'cause you've been fantastic.
- Thank you.

It's just that... You know what it is?

Winter comes along and I'm just so sick

- of shoveling the driveway.
- Mm-hmm.

I wanna get someone...

This is Corinne. She benches like 350.

She'll blow it out, no problem.

Well, I give you my blessing.

'Cause that's a man.

Then he's definitely shoveling.

- Hi, babe.
- Hey.

- Ready for movie night.
- Oh, wow.

Oh! Fantastic. Brownies.

I've got us some lovely
wine. Let me pour.

2017, apparently a fantastic
year for 2-buck chuck.

Uh... Chale?

Oh, sweet Lord.

Okay, what's her name?

Oh, gosh. Uh, okay.

I have something to show you.

Um, brace yourself.

Whoa, your sister is massive!

No, it's not my sister. That's me.

Why does everyone keep...

That's you? What?

Why would you never tell me this?

I just... I was waiting for it
to come up organically. I...

Okay, dude.
How was this gonna come up organically?

Now you know my dilemma.

Yeah, but okay, babe,
you were a little overweight

and had a terrible haircut,

but why would you keep
that a secret from me?

- I mean, why would I care?
- Why? Because!

When people know that you have been big,

it affects the way they see you.

And it changes the way they see you eat.

Oh, come on, Chale.

Okay, watch.

Oh, yes. There it is. There it is.

No. You're crazy.

Ah, a nice healthy-looking lunch.

Shut up, Chale.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just I do Pilates,
I watch what I eat,

while meanwhile the Hamburglar
who sleeps next to me,

he gets to eat whatever he wants?

How is that possible?

It's not fair.

Sometimes things aren't
always as they appear.

Perhaps there is a little secret

to your husband's stellar numbers.

What are you talking about?

It's a long story about a little boy

with a girl's haircut and
a very large pair of pants.

Hey, hon.

Tell me you got my text about chalupas.

You drive right past Taco Bell.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I got no text.

Ugh! You gotta check your phone, guy.

What's goin' on?

Nothin', you know, I just...

I had a moment of clarity.

If my cholesterol's high,
it's gonna be high, you know?

I mean, why not look at
it like a-a carnival bell,

just see how high I can ring it.

Come on, you're acting crazy.

No, no, no, no, no, you were right.

Because you need to be
prepared for a life without me.

So I actually wanna
show you all this stuff.

So we got... this is...
There's mortgage payments,

we got property taxes and
Kendra's student loans...

What are you doing? Stop it!

We got our insurance.

I can't do any of this
stuff without you!

Exactly. Which is why I want
you to have lunch with Kimberly.

What...

The girl from your school?

Yeah. You know,
you're gonna need a woman in your life.

- So will the kids, you know.
- Right.

She's... she's organized, she's kind.

You said she was pretty.

- Yeah, she is. She is pretty. Yeah.
- Yeah, hmm?

All right, well, um, look,
if we're gonna do this...

Okay.

I was thinking more maybe like,
uh, I don't know,

Lisa, your Pilates instructor.

What?

Yeah, it's just I like
the way she barks out

all the instructions
and stuff, very bossy.

It kind of does it for me.

God, I can't believe you!

Chale told me about the stupid cleanse.

He told... That fat little girl!

You cheated on a blood
test. Who does that?

I don't know. How 'bout every
Russian Olympic athlete ever?

Look, I did what I had to do!

I hit my numbers.

I should be on my way
to Mets Fantasy Camp.

But you, you didn't hit
yours. That's right.

And now we gotta pay a higher premium.

I should be the one who's mad.

Look,
I wanted you to go to Mets Fantasy Camp.

All right? Obviously,
I don't want you with another woman.

And I don't want you with another guy.

Look, just let's agree to buy
the farm on the same exact day.

How's that?

Okay, uh, but you're a
little older than me,

so it kind of gyps me

out of a couple good
years of life, right?

I don't know.

- How 'bout this?
- Hmm?

If I go first, I promise you,

I will haunt you for
the rest of your life.

Every once in a while,
the fridge will pop open,

a beer will float out.

Or the George Foreman Grill
will just heat up for no reason.

You know, I am sorry

that you're not going
to Mets Fantasy Camp.

You know what?

Your numbers weren't that bad.

I'm telling you, if you
did Chale's cleanse,

we can get you in the right zone.

Um, he said it was brutal.

It was brutal for me
because I did it alone.

I'll tell you what
I'll do. I promise you,

I will do it with you.

- You'd do that for me?
- Absolutely.

- But not tonight.
- What?

Starting tomorrow.
Tonight we are crushing Taco Bell.

You said chalupas, it got in my head.

- I gotta go get 'em.
- Go get 'em.

Ooh, Nachos Bell Grande.
No tomato. I'm serious.

Yeah. Ooh, that's good, too.
Now that's in my head, too.

I'm getting those also.

Here you go.

Day six.

Stay strong.

How you holdin' up?

I'm all right. You know, now
that the crying has stopped.

It... it has stopped, right?
I'm not crying now, am I?

No.

No, that stopped yesterday.

Oh.

I think the hallucinations
you're talkin' about started.

I'm not hatin' them.

Me neither.