Original subtitles

[Fanfare]

¶ ¶

[rousing marching band music]

¶ ¶

[dixieland jazz]

[Trombone solo]

¶ ¶

[trumpet solo]

¶ ¶

- hey, counselor, you're a pisces, right?

- Right.

- Okay, then you got to watch your step today

on account of the moon being in Virgo

and squared with Jupiter.

See, it says right here.

"Pisces be careful of vital decisions today."

- Okay, melody, I'll try and be careful.

- It--it also says, "this is a good time to take stock

of your worldly possessions."

- Yeah?

Okay, uh, one saxophone,

one suitcase, one set of law books,

2 bucks and 28 cents cash.

Oh, by the way, does it say anything in there

about our back pay?

- Oh, look, as soon as I sell the bus,

I'll pay every man every dime I owe him.

- I know you will, melody.

All I'm saying is, uh,

we're not exactly collegians anymore.

The years are piling up, and, uh...

What's to show for it?

- We'll get something on radio.

That's the big thing today--radio.

I've got connections in Chicago.

- Yeah.

You know something, melody?

The first honest job somebody offers me,

I'm gonna take it.

- What do you mean, "honest job"?

- I mean, it's time I got off this merry-go-round

and put down roots somewhere.

- Roots.

Every time you start studying that lawyer course,

you start putting roots down again.

[Band continues playing]

¶ ¶

[cheering]

- Hey, what are we stopping here for?

- All right, boys, take ten.

We got to get to Chicago before dark.

- What's the big hurry?

- We haven't got a taillight.

Come on, everybody out.

[Overlapping chatter]

- [Chuckling] Ah.

Oh, look, natives.

You got any beads?

- Well, I got, uh, exactly 20 cents.

- Come on, I'll buy you a soda.

Oh, goody, a phosphate shop.

- [Inhales deeply]

Mmm, fresh air.

- Who needs it?

- What a great little town.

- Are you kidding?

- Hey, melody, look...

An electric.

- Very quaint.

- I haven't seen one of those in years.

[Boys shouting]

- Is that clear, Ralph?

- Aunt Hetty, we're trying to be a bank,

not a charitable institution.

We can't refuse to foreclose a mortgage

simply because Mrs. Todd is a good Christian woman.

- But she is.

Give her two more months, Ralph.

- Yes, aunt Hetty.

- And stop biting your fingernails.

- Yes, aunt Hetty.

- Let's go, babe! Let's go!

- Aunt Hetty! You forgot your purse.

- I always do it, don't I?

Forget my purse and upset Ralph.

- [Laughs]

[Horn honks]

[Engine puttering]

[Horn honks]

- Oh!

- I got it!

- Oh!

Would you mind?

You're standing on my foot.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry. - Oh!

- Come on! They're coming in!

- Don't run home!

- Out! Out!

- They ought to stop playing ball in the street.

Are you all right, dear? - Yes.

- Are you sure, miss downey?

- Oh, yes, I'm fine. Thank you.

- They ought to have better sense.

- They most certainly ought to.

- I'm awfully sorry.

Uh, maybe you better not walk on that.

It might be sprained or something.

- No, it's only bruised a little.

- It really must have hurt.

I weigh 196 minus shoes.

By the way, if you should want to sue,

my name is Lem siddons.

Maybe I'd better carry you.

- No, I think not. Thank you, Mr. siddons.

- You're welcome, miss downey.

- Vida, what happened?

[Overlapping chatter]

[Air hissing]

- I'm telling you-- [Trumpet blares]

Give me that trumpet.

Don't you realize those instruments

cost a lot of money?

Now, come on.

[Air hissing]

Get away from those tires!

Now, look, you small-time roughnecks,

I'm gonna take the lot of you and dust you good.

- All of us, mister? - Yes, all of you.

[Overlapping shouting]

- Okay, guys, we give up.

Melody, we're gonna have to use

a little, uh, psychology around here.

- What kind of psychology? - [Chuckles]

Go buy yourself some licorice whips, huh?

Here's two bits.

[Boys shouting]

Two-bit psychology, melody--

a very generous gesture

for a man in my financial condition.

- It wasn't wasted. - Hmm?

- Hey, Lem?

Lem, come on. Let's go.

Boys, would you hang that up on the, uh, bracket up there?

Hey, Lem, look.

"You know, melody," he says,

"the first honest job someone offers me,

I'm gonna take."

Selling candy to kids-- what could be more honest?

You want roots?

A place like this,

you could grow yourself down to China.

All right, Charlie, let's get moving.

Now, now, boys, we got a long trip,

a long trip-- settle down, settle down.

What are you doing, Lem?

Lem. Lem!

I think I know what you're doing, and you can't do it.

Lem, honest jobs aren't for musicians.

- Melody, uh, give me my law book.

- Look, look, Lem, I was only kidding.

I was only kidding.

You can't live in a hick town like this.

- Melody, it's been a real pleasure working with you.

Take off, Charlie.

- Lem, the moon is in Virgo and squared with Jupiter!

- Okay, melody, I'll remember that!

So long!

- So long, Lem! Good luck!

[Door opens, bell jingling]

- Thanks, mister!

- Okay, fellas. - Thank you.

- You bet.

- You got two pieces, and I only got one.

[Overlapping chatter]

- All right.

[Bell jingling]

How do you do, sir?

[Bell jingles]

My name's Lem siddons.

I'm out of Chicago, lakeside high,

and the United States army.

Since then, for eight years,

I've been blowing a saxophone and studying law on the side.

Now I've decided I'd like to settle down someplace,

and, uh, well, I think this is it.

I could be a crackerjack salesman,

or I could sweep the place out.

- You can work up to salesman later.

- Thank you.

- How about money?

- Oh, you name it, sir.

- $25 and a free go at the candy counter.

- You've got a deal, mister, uh...

- Uh, Hughes.

- Okay, Mr. Hughes, I'm your boy.

- All right. Stand right there.

Come on, Arthur.

- Well, I guess that takes care

of the moon and Virgo squared with Jupiter.

- Four, five, six bananas...

And, uh, two licorice whips.

- Thanks a lot. - Thanks, Lem.

Don't forget, you're in the ball game at lunch, Lem.

- I'll be there, hoodoo.

- Hi, Mrs. seibert. - Hello, boys.

- Good morning, Hetty. - Good morning, John.

- Good morning, Mrs. seibert.

- Oh, good morning... Lemuel?

- That's right.

- Oh. Isn't that remarkable?

I remembered his name.

Are you getting settled in hickory, lemuel?

- Oh, he's found Artie's pool parlor

and has joined the methodist church.

- Fine...

About the church, I mean.

But don't drink any of Artie's bootlegged whiskey.

- [Chuckles] Never touch the stuff, Mrs. seibert.

- Good.

Now, what did I come in here for?

I know I'm in here for some reason.

- Maybe I can help you, Mrs. seibert.

Uh, was it something in notions?

We're having a special on assorted buttons and needles.

- Well, it wasn't notions,

but I'll take half a dozen packets.

- Fine.

Uh, was it something in yard goods?

- No.

- Thread maybe? -Mm-mm.

- Mrs. seibert, maybe you came in for a dress pattern.

It's the latest thing.

It, uh, puts milady in style for any social function.

- That's it.

- Oh, good.

- Social function.

John, the most terrible thing's happened to me.

They've elected me president of the civic club.

Now, where is it?

- What, the civic club?

- No! No. Here it is.

John, will you post this in a conspicuous place?

It's a notice of our Friday meeting

in the school auditorium.

- Why, certainly, Hetty.

- I'm sure I'll be a perfectly terrible president.

They only elected me because I have a lot of money.

I'll expect you both at the meeting.

- Oh, why, Hetty, we wouldn't miss it.

- Well, I would, if I weren't president.

- Oh, Mrs. seibert, uh, do you still want these things?

- Oh, yes, thank you.

And will you charge it to my account?

- Yes, I will.

- Now, where was I to go from here?

- Uh, the bank?

The butcher's?

The grocer?

- Never mind. I'll find out when I get there.

Good-bye, John.

Good-bye...

- Lemuel.

- Lemuel.

- Good-bye, Mrs. seibert.

[Bell jingles]

She, uh, is a little forgetful, isn't she?

- About some things, yes.

Put that in a conspicuous spot, will you, Lem?

I'll be in the office. - Okay.

"Civic club meeting, high school--

come and bring a friend."

9-3-4, please.

I'd like to speak to miss downey, please.

[Line trilling]

- Miss downey speaking.

- Miss downey, this is, uh, Lem siddons.

I'm calling you from across the street.

Hi.

- Mr. siddons, if you're calling in reference to your statement,

the bookkeeper--

- no, I'm calling in reference to you.

Uh, can you see this?

- Mr. siddons, I am terribly busy at the moment.

- I-I know you can't read it from there,

but, uh, well, it says there's gonna be big doings

at the civic club on Friday night

and, uh, to come and bring a friend.

- I'm sorry, Mr. siddons. I--

- looks like it's gonna be a pretty exciting night.

Mayor plummer's gonna talk about the sewer problem,

uh, look into the future.

- Mr. siddons!

- And there's gonna be a group discussion

on our youth today, followed by refreshments.

Do you think maybe you could make it?

- Mr. siddons!

I suppose the antics of our small town amuse you.

- Oh, now, I was only kidding. I--

- we must seem terribly crude

to one who has traveled so widely.

- Anything wrong, miss downey?

- Oh, no.

- Look, miss downey, I'm crazy about this town.

Mr. Hastings, I was talking to miss downey.

Mr. Hastings!

- Yes, Mr. siddons?

- I was talking to miss downey.

- I'm sorry.

No personal calls during banking hours.

- Now--

- now, if you will permit me,

fellow civic clubbers,

I will conclude my very small remarks

with a line from that immortal English poet--

a...

A thing of beauty

is a joy forever.

[Applause]

- Thank you, Cora Anderson,

for that splendid talk on...

Oh, dear, what was your subject, Cora?

[Laughter] - The town square.

- Oh, the town square, of course.

Uh, were you for it or against it?

- I wanted to plant peonies.

- Oh, well, bless you, dear.

Go right ahead and do it.

[Laughter]

And now...

And now a word about our youth from the chair.

The chair-- that must be me.

Well, I warned you I'd be a perfectly terrible president.

[Applause]

Well, a word about our youth,

especially boys.

Frankly, I think boys are splendid.

Granted, they steal a few apples

and play ball in the town square,

spill a few garbage pails, and...

Put tin cans on cats,

which isn't very nice.

But perhaps the fault lies with us.

Perhaps we could buy them a playing field

or something constructive.

Well, I can't think of anything else.

I think Mr. hi plummer, our mayor,

should conduct the balance of this meeting.

[Applause]

- Well, there isn't very much to conduct, folks.

I think our boys should be kept off the streets,

but how?

I'd like to hear some suggestions.

- Uh, Mr. mayor?

I have a suggestion.

Mr. mayor, I'm new here in town,

so, uh, maybe I shouldn't even speak up,

but, uh, well, it seems to me

that the solution to this problem

would be to have some sort of organized activity

for the boys, like, uh...

Well, like the, uh, boy scouts.

Well, good evening, miss downey,

Mr. Hastings.

- I was going to suggest that very thing.

- Newer. - Look.

- Well, that idea comes up every year, Lem,

but nothing ever seems to come of it.

- Well, then I think

you ought make something come of it.

- There's always one trouble.

Nobody ever wants to be scoutmaster.

- You could do that, Ralph.

- No, no, I'm too busy, vida.

- It wouldn't take very much of your time.

- Absolutely not.

- I thank you for your suggestion, Lem,

but I'm afraid that's one job that will go a-begging.

- Well, Mr. mayor, uh...

I might have to take the job myself.

[Crowd gasping positively]

- Are you volunteering? - I guess I am.

[Applause]

- Come up here, young man. I want to shake your hand.

- Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

[Applause]

...three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Eyes right. Salute.

Two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Right, march!

Hup, two-- no, wait, wait, fellas.

Hoodoo!

Where you going?

- But you said to the right.

- Well, you-- you turned left, hoodoo.

[Applause]

Forward march.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three...

Now right march.

Hup, two, three, four.

- What you trying to do with them poor kids, Lem?

- Just keeping them out of the pool halls, Artie.

Hup, two, three, four.

[Overlapping chatter]

- That a boy.

- Sic 'em, Dutch.

[Dog barking]

[Boys shouting]

- All right, come on, guys, back in line.

[Rock thumps]

- Hey, what's the matter? Are you wise or something?

- Go ahead, beefy, mobilize him.

- Yeah!

[Boys shouting]

- Beefy!

Never mind the mobilizing.

Get back in line. Come on.

All of you.

- This is private property, mister.

Stay off.

I'm warning you, mister.

- Look, son--

- [irish accent] What's going on here, huh?

- Hello, ed.

- I know you, don't I, yeah?

Yeah. You're Lem-- Lem siddons

from Artie's place, right?

- That's right. - Yeah.

Well, what--what seems to be the trouble here?

- Oh, no trouble, ed.

We're, uh, starting a scout troop.

I thought maybe your boy would like to join up.

- Sure, whitey.

You go along with them, huh?

- I don't go picking daisies with a bunch of mama's boys.

- Oh, now, how often have I told you not to--

- that's all right, ed.

Maybe some other time.

All right, fellas, let's get back in line now.

[Boys grumbling] - Come on.

Come on, all right.

Forward march.

- Whitey?

When will you ever stop being a roughneck, huh?

[Sighs]

- Take a nap, pa. You'll feel better.

- Yes, I guess I will.

- Look out, look out.

Come on, stop it.

[Bottle shatters]

- "The scoutmaster's job is to train his boys

"to run their own troop.

"The scoutmaster's job

is to help boys grow toward responsibility."

- Lem?

- "The scoutmaster leads by example."

- Lem? - Huh?

[Chuckles] And sometimes he's wise enough to follow.

Come on, hoodoo.

[Whistle blows]

[Boys complaining]

Come on, guys.

Anybody want to go home?

All: No.

- Anybody want to march anymore?

All: No.

- Okay, we'll take a one-minute break.

All: One minute?

[Complaining]

- Now, about this manual I thought I was reading to you.

In the front part is the, uh, serious stuff,

and in the back is the fun and games.

You've got a lot to learn,

but believe me, I've got to learn as much as you do.

- We'll help you, Lem.

- Oh, sure. Sure.

- Thanks, hoodoo.

Guys, why don't we try to make this

a scout troop the whole town will be proud of, huh?

- Aw, they'll never make it, Lem.

[All arguing]

- Well, we can at least take a stab at it, huh?

Now, when we start off again,

why don't we see if we can't sort of shape up, huh?

- What do you mean by shape up?

- Well, when we march, we march in time,

move together, you know how they do.

- Oh, yeah. - I see.

- One thing that'll help maybe,

in this book, they suggest that, uh,

we get some sort of a marching song.

- Yeah! A marching song!

- Old MacDonald had a farm.

- Ten little Indians.

- You're in the army now.

- What about the dying cowboy?

- Aw, what kind of a marching song is that?

- It's a funeral march.

[All laughing]

- Well, maybe we'll think of something as we go along, huh?

Okay, the minute's up. On your feet, fellas.

[Boys groaning] Let's get in line.

Like I said, let's try to shape up.

Okay, get on the packs.

Get in line, fellas. Snap it up, now.

- Get in line!

- Hoodoo, what are you doing?

- Hey, look out.

- Okay, now, here we go!

Forward march!

Two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

All right, guys, lift those feet up.

Come on, lift them up.

Pick them up, put them down.

Pick them up, put them down.

Yeah.

¶ Pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

hey, guys, I got a marching song for us.

¶ Follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

- hey, that's pretty good!

- That's good. - Sing it, Lem.

- Well, it's something our old outfit

used to sing over in France.

We made it up about this sergeant we had,

sergeant Riley.

Ha! He was always hollering, "follow me."

- Well, then sing it, Lem.

- Let's see now.

How'd the verse go?

¶ Sergeant Riley said there's a fight to win ¶

¶ follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ and it won't be done till we all pitch in ¶

¶ lift your chin with a grin ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

now the chorus.

All: ¶ follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ when you think you're really beat ¶

¶ that's the time to lift your feet ¶

¶ and follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

pick them up!

Put them down!

Pick them up!

¶ It's a long, long climb ¶

¶ but we got the will ¶

¶ follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ when we reach the top ¶

¶ then it's all downhill ¶

¶ till you drop, don't stop ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

¶ follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ when you think you're really beat ¶

¶ that's the time to lift your feet ¶

¶ and follow me, boys ¶ - come on, beefy!

All: ¶ follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶ [Goat bleats]

¶ And fol-low ¶

¶ me ¶

- hup, two, three, four!

Hup, two, three, four!

Hup, two, three, four!

We're doing pretty good for three weeks, huh, Lem?

- We sure are, hoodoo.

Just about the whole troop can count up to four.

- Sure can.

Hup, two, three, four.

[Car horn honks]

Car's coming, Lem.

Hey, you guys, there's a car coming!

[Horn honking]

[Boys complaining]

- Ralph! That was uncalled for.

- This is a road for motor vehicles,

not a marching trail.

- Just because he's the vice President of the bank!

- I'd like to give him a good turn.

- All right, knock it off, fellas.

Knock it off. Forget it, now, will you?

Now, let's see, uh,

according to this gadget, we've hiked about two Miles.

How about the, uh, tracking game now, huh?

All: Yeah!

- I ain't gonna be the raccoon again.

Last time, them guys tried to step on my tail.

- Oh, yeah? But it's your turn.

- Yeah! It's your turn!

- Look, I'll be the raccoon this time.

You fellas be the hound dogs, huh?

[All howling] Wait a minute.

Now, the hound dogs count up to 50

to give the raccoon a start, okay?

- [Quickly] One, two, three, four--

- now, wait a minute, hoodoo, slow, slow.

One...Two...Three...

I'll see you later, fellas.

- Five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten,

11, 12...

All: 13, 14, 15, 16, 17...

- Hi.

- [Gasps]

Oh, hello.

- Say, you haven't seen

my boy scout troop around, have you?

They're supposed to be tracking a raccoon.

I'm the raccoon.

- [Laughs]

- Well, what seems to be the trouble here?

- I don't know. I guess it's my fault.

I wanted to go on a picnic,

and the car doesn't like picnics.

- Oh.

- Mr. Hastings just went to get a tow truck.

- Well, I could try to fix it for you,

but, uh, I'd gum it up.

- Really?

- Yeah, I'm all thumbs.

- I've never met a man who admitted

he couldn't fix an automobile.

- Well, that's me. [Laughs]

Hey, you know, it's kind of a hot day

to be a raccoon.

You don't mind if I just stay here

and wait for the hounds, do you?

- Oh, no, of course not.

Uh, as a matter of fact--

- miss downey, you, uh,

have a little smudge on your nose there.

- Oh.

As a matter of fact, I wanted to tell you

how pleased I was that you mentioned

the boy scouts at the civic club meeting.

- Oh!

- I was going to suggest the same thing.

- Were you really? - Yes.

- Well, isn't that remarkable?

Well, why don't we sit down and discuss it?

Now, uh-- oh, I'm sorry.

Would you care for a drink?

- No, I'm not thirsty.

- Well, now, about the scouts.

The way I look at it-- [Boys howling]

- What does that sound like to you?

- Like a raccoon is about to be treed.

- Yeah.

[All howling]

Okay, okay, okay!

I'm treed! I'm treed!

Okay, guys, you got me!

I'm treed! I'm treed!

[Laughing]

- What do we do now, Lem?

- Oh. Well, uh...

We're going to do what all good scouts do--

lend a helping hand.

Miss downey, would you get in the car, please?

Troop one will show you

how scouts do a good turn daily.

Now, you bigger fellas get behind the car,

and you other fellas get on each side, okay?

Miss downey, just slide back of the wheel, huh?

[Overlapping chatter]

- Aren't you tired?

- Practically dead.

Got just about enough strength left

to ask you to go to the movies with me tonight.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.--

- feel free to call me Lem, huh?

- Mr. siddons--

- I'm named after my Uncle lemuel,

who never amounted to anything.

- I'm busy tonight, Mr. siddons.

- Oh. You know the first thing

I noticed about you, miss downey?

Your eyes--blue eyes.

That means honesty.

- I really am sorry.

- Now, honestly, wouldn't you rather see

Ronald Coleman and Carole lombard

in the soul-searching drama of--hey!

Hey, wait! Look out, guys!

Put on-- put on the brake!

- Oh! I'm sorry!

The hill was on me before I knew it.

- Oh, that's all right. I didn't see it, either.

Fellas, pile on, and we'll coast down the hill, huh?

- Aw, neat.

- Miss downey, uh, put on your emergency brake.

Move over and let me drive.

I'll, uh, put it in gear.

Maybe we can start the motor.

Everybody in?

All: Yeah!

- Okay, now, hang on!

[Boys shouting]

[Car backfires]

[Boys shouting]

[Horn honking]

- [Coughing]

Thank you for almost running me down.

- Well, we were just doing our good turn.

We got your motor going.

- All right, out of there, all of you.

This car wasn't built to hold every hoodlum in town.

- Ralph!

- That's all right, miss downey.

All right, you, uh, hoodlums, pile out of there.

We've got a hike to finish. Come on.

- Aw, we'd rather ride.

- Oh, Mr. Hastings,

from now on, I'm the only one who calls them that, right?

Where's the can-- oh, thanks.

All right, now line up by twos.

- Come on. - Let's go.

- Frankie, you get them started.

- Hup, two, three, four.

All: Hup, two, three, four.

Hup! Pick them up, put them down.

Pick them up.

¶ Follow me, boys ¶

- that was unnecessarily rude, Ralph.

- Get in the car, vida.

- They were just trying to help with the car.

- Vida, will you please get in the car?

- ¶ Follow me, boys, follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶ - Mr. siddons!

- Vida!

- Mr. siddons! - ¶ follow me, boys ¶

Mr. siddons! - Vida, come back here!

- ¶ When you think you're really beat ¶

¶ that's the time to lift your feet ¶

¶ and follow me, boys ¶

- vida.

- ¶ Follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

[horn honks]

- Lovely movie.

- Yes.

Hello, Mr. Lee.

Yes, I'm glad she finally realized

that, uh, money isn't everything.

- Well, when a girl has Ronald Coleman,

she doesn't need money.

- [Laughs]

Oh, uh, would you like a soda

or a banana split or something?

- I don't think so.

- You sure? - Sure.

- Well...

[Horn honks]

Tell me. Was he sore?

- Ronald Coleman?

- No, Mr. Hastings, Ralph.

I mean, because you broke your date with him

and went to the movies with me.

- You're a somewhat blunt fellow, aren't you?

- Well, when I want to know something, I ask.

- Well, we like more reserve here in hickory.

- [Chuckles] Okay, so he got sore.

Vida...

What are you doing tomorrow night?

- Well, Lem, I-- - and Monday night?

- Lem. - And Tuesday night?

- Oh, Lem. - And--

[dog barking]

[Whining]

Uh, wait a minute.

[Dog whining]

[Dog barking]

[Whining]

- Beat it, Dutch!

- Are you hurt?

- No, I'm all right.

- Well, then get up on your feet.

- [Groans]

- He is hurt, Lem.

- The ankle, huh? - It's okay.

- Vida, get me a first-aid kit

out of the scout section, will you?

Come over here and sit down,

so I can take a look at that ankle.

- I'm all right, I tell you!

- Come over here and sit down.

- Ooh!

[Dog whines]

- "Over the shoe and tie firmly,

"because once you take the shoe off,

you can't get it back on with the swelling."

- Well, that makes sense, huh?

All right, now try to walk on it.

Does that feel better?

- Yeah, it's okay.

That's a pretty good trick.

- Yeah, there are a lot of good tricks in here.

- Aw, I don't go for that scout stuff.

- Well, you better get going.

- Get going?

- Yeah.

And put some cold towels on that ankle

when you get home.

- Okay.

Come on, Dutch.

- Uh, why don't we just leave this?

I'll come in early in the morning

and clean it up.

- Think you should have done that?

Let him go, I mean.

- I don't know.

- He was stealing, you know?

- Yeah.

You know, I was just like that when I was his age,

sore at the world, picking fights,

trying to act tough.

But then, uh...

Well, there was this fella, he was a young lawyer,

sort of took me under his wing.

I guess he felt sorry for this kid

who was trying to lick half of South Chicago

and couldn't.

Anyway, he, uh...

He finally straightened me out,

got me thinking right.

If it hadn't been for him, I, uh...

I'd have ended up in some kind of serious trouble for sure.

I guess it's about that time

I got the idea I wanted to be a lawyer someday.

No, I don't think turning whitey in

would help anything.

You just got to take a chance.

Well, we'd better go, huh?

- Lem?

- Now, beefy and quong.

- That's for your second-class cooking test?

- Beefy, uh, could you indentify

that interesting object?

- Well, it started out as eight biscuits, Lem,

but it ended up one.

- Oh.

- Do we pass?

- I, uh, think you better try again, fellas.

Why don't you start out with one?

Maybe it'll end up eight.

[Hammer tapping]

How you coming, Dave?

- Well, not finished yet.

- Carrick bend, huh? Good.

- When we get finished, can we take her out?

- Of course we can't take her out.

The patch isn't dry.

- What would happen?

- She'd sink.

- That wouldn't help for a canoe merit badge, would it?

- Hoodoo, one thing I got to give you credit for.

You think quick.

- Yeah, I know.

[Truck rumbling]

- Hey, look who's here.

What do you suppose miss downey's here for?

- Lem.

- Like I said, hoodoo, you think quick.

- Hi.

- I was, uh, invited out here

to see scouting in action, remember?

- Well, you can see Lem in action later.

And you're just in time

for the second-class cooking test.

- I thought I might be.

You know, ever since you invited me out here,

I got to thinking about those poor boys out here,

eating their own cooking.

I got so emotional, I went home

and fried up six chickens,

made four pounds of potato salad.

- Uh, vida?

- I even iced a three-layer chocolate cake.

- Vida, maybe I gave you a bum steer,

but the boys are taking tests

so that when they get in the woods,

they'll be self-reliant.

- Well, they'll be twice as self-reliant

on full stomachs.

- [Chuckles] I... I appreciate your interest

in scout stomachs, but, uh,

I think you better take the chicken back to the truck.

- Is that an order?

- No, it's just a suggestion.

- In other words, you forbid me?

- No, I don't forbid you exactly.

- Good. - Now, wait a minute.

- All right, I, uh...

I forbid you.

- Well, now you sound like Ralph Hastings.

- Oh, now...

- Anyone eat fried chicken?

- Fred chicken? Yeah!

- Vida, what do you think you're doing?

- I'm feeding hungry boys.

- Well, that's exactly what you're not doing.

- Chicken! - Now, wait a minute, fellas!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute, now!

Put that chicken back.

I'm sorry, but no chicken.

One of the reasons you're out here is to learn how to cook,

and you have to eat what you cooked.

[Boys groan] - You second-class candidates

get back to your fires.

You pup-tent guys get back to your pup tents.

Everybody get back to whatever you're doing.

Now, go on. Hurry up.

- Oh, man!

[Boys complaining]

- No chicken!

- That was a lovely exhibition.

- Now, vida, listen--

- a 100% domineering, "I forbid you,

let's keep them in their places,"

male performance. - Male nothing.

- You're all alike, every last one of you--

puffed up, lords of the universe,

egotistical know-it-alls.

And I thought you were different!

- Different? Vida, all I did

was ask you to get rid of the chicken.

- No, you didn't.

You said, "I forbid you."

- Vida, where you going?

Vida, what are you gonna do?

- I'm obeying military orders.

I'm getting rid of the chicken.

- Oh, not in the lake. Vida--

- typical egotistical male.

- Oh, now, don't do that.

Vida.

- "I forbid you," he says.

Master of the universe.

- No, no, now, not that.

Not in the lake, vida.

No, no, vida, don't do it.

- Are you forbidding me again?

- Well...No, no.

- Good.

- Vida.

Vida, will you listen to me, please?

- Will you kindly get out of my way?

- No, I want to talk to you.

[Pots clatter] - Oh!

Vida, wait.

Where are you going?

- Anywhere where you're not!

- Uh, fellas, get back to your cooking.

Vida, will you cut out this nonsense?

Now where you going?

- I'm trying to avoid you, and this seems to be

the only logical way to do it.

- Well, if that's logical, I'll go with you.

Vida, you've got to listen to me.

I'm sorry you got upset

about my not giving the boys the chicken, but--

- I'm not upset.

Who's upset?

- Well, if you'd just said something,

I mean, if you told me you were bringing it, I...

- Leo, do you think the patch is dry yet?

- Will you stop paddling and listen?

- Uh-uh.

- What do we do?

- If you'd only said something.

- Watch, I guess.

- That's the whole idea.

When they get out in the woods, they're supposed to know--

hey! - [Gasps]

- Hey, we sprung a leak!

- Aah!

- I thought the boys we're gonna patch this!

- Aah!

- Um...

- Aah. - Uh...

- Aah! Aah!

[Gasps]

[Chuckling]

- [Laughing]

[Laughing]

- Oh! Oh!

Oh! I surrender!

Oh!

[Cheering]

- Hold it!

[Door opens and closes]

- Ah, everything's out of the car.

- [Laughing]

- What's so funny?

- Oh, this silly picture.

- You never looked lovelier.

- Um, Lem?

- Okay, we've got work to do.

Uh, what's next?

- Well, let's get these empty suitcases out of here.

- Where you want them, under the bed?

- No. In the hall closet, I guess.

- Boy. Here, let me do that.

- No, it's okay, just set them down.

- Well, I'll find someplace

for this stuff of mine in the morning.

- Oh, I've already got a place.

- Oh? - Right in here.

- I thought that was supposed to be the sewing room.

- Gonna be your study.

I'm gonna fix it up.

You're going to have to build some shelves

for all those law books.

- Vi?

- And I think we should splurge

and get you a really nice desk.

- Vi, I guess I forgot to tell you.

They're, uh, having the bar exams next week.

- Really?

- Yeah, but I'm, uh...

I'm not going to take it.

- Oh.

- It's just that I'm not ready for it.

I haven't looked at one of these books in months.

I've been so busy with the scouts and the store

and, uh, other things.

- Meaning me.

- Yeah.

Meaning you.

Next year the troop will be organized,

and they can get somebody else to take over.

Next year, I promise, I'll...

I'll really settle down to business.

- Scout's honor?

- Scout's honor.

[Cornet haltingly playing let me call you sweetheart]

What is that?

¶ ¶

boys: ¶ let me call you sweetheart ¶

¶ I'm in love with you ¶

¶ let me hear you whisper ¶ - Lem, a serenade--

what a charming thing to do.

- ¶ That you love me ¶ - pretty awful, isn't it?

- ¶ Too ¶

¶ keep the love light glowing ¶

¶ in your eyes so true ¶

¶ let me call you sweetheart ¶

¶ I'm in love ¶

¶ with ¶

¶ you ¶

[sustaining long off-key note]

- Welcome home!

- Welcome home, Mr. and Mrs. siddons!

- Congratulations.

- Thanks, guys.

That was very nice.

- Hey, Lem, can you come out to seibert lake Saturday?

We got a surprise for you.

- A surprise, huh?

Okay, Leo, I'll see you then.

All: Good night!

- Congratulations! - Congratulations, Mrs. siddons.

- Oh, Lem, let's have a dozen kids,

all boys.

- [Chuckles]

How about 11 boys and one girl just like you?

- Hey. Hey, Frankie? - Yeah?

- Follow me, boys.

- No, we made too much noise already.

- Oh, come on, Frankie!

- Well, okay.

But...Quiet.

All: ¶ though the journey's end ¶

¶ is beyond our sight ¶

¶ follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ if we do our best ¶

¶ then we've done all right ¶

¶ pack your load, hit the road ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

¶ follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ when you think you're really beat ¶

¶ that's the time to lift your feet ¶

¶ and follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

pick them up, put them down.

Pick them up, put them down.

Pick them up, put them down.

[Hammers pounding]

- Here he comes!

Hey, here comes Lem!

- So soon?

But we're not finished yet!

- I told you! I told you!

[Boys shouting]

- Hi, Lem!

- Hi, Lem!

- Well, now, what's the surprise?

- How about that, huh, Lem?

Surprised?

- You guys don't mean to tell me

you built this all by yourselves?

All: Yeah!

- Including scrounging the lumber.

- We didn't even use nails in some places.

We tied knots.

- Well, fellas, I don't know what to say,

except that, uh, well, it's just absolutely amazing.

- That's just what Mrs. seibert said

when she saw it.

- Oh, Mrs. seibert saw it, huh?

- Yeah, she gave us permission

to build on the old foundation.

- Lem, the guys want you to be

the first one through the front door.

- Oh.

- Yeah, only the front-door committee goofed,

and there ain't one up yet. - Just five minutes.

All me and quong's got to do is nail up a couple more 2x4s.

- That's what you said all week.

- Look, why don't a couple of us guys

give you and quong a hand just to make sure?

What size 2x4s you need?

[Overlapping chatter]

- Hey, Lem, you know anything about a water pump?

- Like what, beefy?

- Well, like how to make it pump water.

- Oh.

- This one's kind of beat up,

but we got it for free, so we didn't ask any questions.

- Let's take a look at it.

- Hey, let's look in the junk pile,

see what we got.

- Valve's a little dried out, isn't it?

[Overlapping chatter]

[Wood clattering]

- Look! For the top of the cabin.

- Hey, yeah.

That's pretty good.

[Weather vane clangs]

- Pretty good shot.

- It was okay.

- What are you doing out this way?

- Just horsing around.

- How's this one, hoodoo?

- Hey, Frankie, maybe we could use this.

- Isn't this big enough?

- Hey, can I use it on top of the cabin?

- Yeah, put it someplace where you won't lose it.

- What you guys doing,

building a cabin?

- Yeah, for our troop.

- Some cabin.

- Yeah, it's okay.

- Well, I'll see you guys.

Come on, Dutch.

- Hey, whitey.

- Yeah?

- You want to help out?

We could use someone who knows about plumbing.

- Well...

I ought to be back in town now.

My old man might need me on a job.

- No, he won't, not right away.

I saw his truck parked over by Artie's pool parlor.

- What was that crack?

- It wasn't any crack.

- Well, if you can't give us a hand, you can't.

Come on, you guys. Get on these 2x4s.

- What do you care where my old man's truck is parked?

- I don't!

- Take it easy, whitey. Leo didn't mean anything.

- That's right. He didn't mean anything.

- You stay out of this, four-eyes!

This isn't your business.

- Hey, no one's called four-eyes around here.

- Yeah, well, you just get your hands off.

- Look, if you can't act decent, then beat it.

- I said get your hands off! [Dog barking]

- Come on! Get him!

[Boys shouting]

- Hey, watch out for the board!

- Don't let that dog get you!

Get that dog away!

- Go on! Get!

[Boys shouting, dog barking]

- Pull him over! Pull him over!

- Come on!

- Twist his arm! Twist his arm!

- All right, that's enough!

Cut it out now!

You, uh, fellas getting a little exercise?

- Yeah, Lem.

That's all.

- Okay.

Well, if you want me to be the first one

through that front door, you better get it up, huh?

- Yeah, okay. Come on, guys.

- Whitey.

This yours too?

- You keep it.

I swiped it off you anyways.

I never hardly read it.

- You didn't, huh?

- It's just full of junk.

- Okay, I'll keep it.

- Come on, Dutch.

- Whitey.

What's the scout law?

- A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, fr--

aw, forget it.

- Whitey, why don't you knock off this tough-guy act?

The boys all want you.

All you have to do is come halfway.

- Yeah, I'll bet.

- You got guts enough to find out?

- Hey, Lem! We're ready!

- Atten-tion!

One-gun salute!

Fire!

[Bang]

- Now, Lem, you're gonna be the first one

through the front door.

- Yeah, come on.

- Look what's inside, man.

- All you have to do is give the secret knock,

like this.

- Okay.

[Boards crashing]

Look out, fellas!

Get back!

- The whole thing's coming down!

[Creaking]

[Sign squeaking]

- [Chuckles]

[Laughing]

[All laughing hysterically]

I guess one of your knots must have slipped, huh?

- Yeah.

- Well, guys, that was a pretty good practice cabin.

Now what do you say we build a real one, huh?

All: Yeah!

- All right, let's clear all that junk out of there.

Beefy, you take charge of the clean-up squad.

Mickey, go over to the truck

and get my tools out, will you?

Whitey, uh, why don't you start working on that pump?

Get everything out of there

and take it over to the junk pile, huh?

Well, I guess, uh,

everything's gonna work out all right, Frankie.

[Laughter and shouting]

- Hey, whitey, how long you gonna be?

- I'll be right out.

She's sewing my first-class badge on.

- In the meantime, I don't have a horse

for horse and rider.

- Just a couple of minutes.

I sure do appreciate this, Mrs. siddons.

You know, next year, I'm going for my merit badges.

First aid, that's going on top.

Thanks.

My Uncle sid was a vet,

but I'm figuring to be a regular doctor of medicine.

- [Choked up] I'm sure you'll be a good one, whitey.

- You feeling okay, Mrs. siddons?

- Yes, I'm fine.

- How's it look?

- Looks just grand.

- And after first-aid merit badge,

then I'm going to carpentry.

- See you later, fellas.

- Hey, Lem!

Look!

- That's fine, whitey.

Hi, honey.

- Well, I...Guess the guys are waiting for me.

- Oh, whitey?

- Yes, sir?

- Your dad came into the store today.

I told him I was sorry

that he, uh, couldn't come to father's night

out at the cabin.

Whitey?

- Yes, sir?

- You didn't ask him to come, did you?

You told me you did and that he couldn't make it,

right?

Whitey?

- Yes, sir.

- Okay. Run along, whitey.

Oh, whitey?

I invited your dad myself.

He said he'd be there.

- Well...

- Lem, you shouldn't have done that.

He doesn't want his father at that meeting.

- Well, he could have come and told me, couldn't he?

- No, he couldn't.

He's crazy about his father,

and he's ashamed of him at the same time.

Everyone knows ed is a drunk.

[Crying]

- Vi...

Vi, what's wrong?

- Well, you just can't expect a little boy

to make a laughingstock out of someone he loves.

- Honey, I'm not talking about whitey.

It's you.

You've been taking things so hard these last few weeks.

I guess that medicine

Dr. Ferris gave you for your nerves

isn't helping much, huh?

Did you see him today?

- Yes.

- Well, what did he say?

- It isn't my nerves.

Never was.

I just told you that.

I lied too.

- Oh?

- He's been giving me a series of tests.

I can't have any children...

Now or ever.

- Is he, uh...

Is he sure?

- The tests were very thorough.

- Did he, uh, just tell you today?

- An hour ago.

[Crying] I'm so terribly sorry, Lem.

I'm so sorry.

If I'd known before we were...

- Honey, you, uh...

You can just tell Dr. Ferris that he's wrong.

- Oh, no, Lem, he isn't.

- Yeah, he's dead wrong.

[Boys shouting outside]

- Vida, we can have kids.

Come here.

We've already got 15 boys.

That's a pretty good start when you come to think of it.

[Shouting]

[Applause and cheering]

- Dead heat-- two minutes on the nose.

That's good, guys.

Now, uh, the knot-tying.

I, uh, guess a lot of people have the idea

that about the only thing scouts do is, uh, tie knots.

Uh, Leo, uh...

- Come on, Leo!

[Boys kidding Leo]

- I'll, uh--I'll kind of start things off here

by tying a sheepshank.

Now, a sheepshank is used

if you want to shorten a piece of rope.

Now, let's see here, uh...

No, no.

[Laughter]

Uh, well, so much for the sheepshank.

[Laughter]

You know, I never could tie one of these things

to save my neck.

We'll just let Leo demonstrate the knots, I guess.

Go ahead, Leo.

- Slipknot.

- Hello, Lem.

- Ed.

- It's all right. G-go right ahead.

I-I, uh...

Just brought the boys a little ice cream.

Nothing that kids

like better than a little ice cream.

Oh! Oh!

Right, Mr. Lee?

Uh...Uh...

Don't let me interrupt, Lem.

Go--go right ahead.

Right good old scoutmaster, lemmy boy, right?

- Uh, Leo, you were going to tie a slipknot.

- Slipknot.

- Uh...Uh, hold it. Hold it a second.

I-I-I think we sprung a little leak here.

Yeah. Don't--

don't you worry, fellas.

Don't you worry. We got a reliable plumber here.

Hey, that's--that's kind of joke, isn't it?

Call for a plumber.

We've sprung and ice cream leak, huh?

Right, huh? Ha ha!

Oh! [Loud thud]

- Get your hands off him! Let him be!

- I just brought the boys a little ice cream. I...

- I know, pa.

Come on.

- Well, where are we going, whitey?

Uh, meeting is just starting, ain't it?

Huh?

- I know, pa. I know.

- Frankie, take over, will you?

Uh, keep things going?

- Sure.

- Ah, whitey, whitey.

Your father's a...

Your father's a bum.

Real, no-good bum.

Right?

Right.

- Forget it, pa.

- Whitey.

I'll drive you home.

- You leave us alone.

It was your idea, bringing him out to the meeting.

- I know, whitey.

I'm sorry. I was wrong.

- All right, all right, you were wrong!

I'm wrong! He's wrong! Everybody's wrong!

- Easy, whitey. Easy.

Respect your elders, remember?

He's just a little upset.

- Come on, pa.

Let's go home.

- Good night, Lem.

- Good night, ed.

I can walk, whitey.

I can walk real fine.

- I really messed the whole thing up good, didn't I?

And I thought I knew so much.

- Come to bed, Lem.

- Well, I'm gonna call the troop committee.

They can get somebody else.

Somebody who'll do a better job than I've done.

- Oh, now, that's nonsense, Lem.

Every boy in that troop thinks the sun rises with you,

including whitey.

- Yeah, well, I'm gonna give the whole thing up,

get back to my law books.

- Mrs. siddons! Mrs. siddons!

Mrs. siddons, there's something the matter with pa!

He fell on the floor, and he can't get up!

Please, Mrs. siddons,

I got to use your phone for the doctor!

- I'll come right down and open the door.

- We'll wait for the ambulance,

but I don't think it's gonna do any good.

All that booze--

I warned him a year ago about his heart.

- What about the boy?

- Now, that's gonna be a problem.

- We'll take him in with us tonight.

- Nobody's taking me anyplace!

Pa's gonna be all right!

- [Strained] Whitey.

[Siren wailing]

- [Crying]

[Siren slows and stops]

- Vi?

Why don't we decide right now?

After all, we've got 16 kids already.

The only difference is this one would sleep in.

- Are you sure you really want him, Lem?

- I'm sure.

How about you?

- I'm sure.

- Okay, then it's all settled.

- Will you tell him?

- Yeah, I'll tell him.

Hey, uh, coffee for a kid his age?

- Just for tonight.

Come have a bite to eat.

- I'm not hungry.

- Whitey...

There's something we'd like to talk to you about.

How would you like to live here with us?

- I don't want to be any charity case!

- Whitey.

- I ain't gonna live here, and you can't make me!

- Whitey, sit down, hmm?

- You're just doing your boy scout duty.

Well, I don't need that kind of stuff.

I can earn my own living.

I don't need you! I don't need anybody!

- Whitey, now, you sit down,

or I'm gonna have to clout you one.

- Oh, Lem, don't talk to him like that.

- Vi, I'll handle it. - Come on, Dutch!

- Whitey, now, you listen to me.

We want you to live here with us.

No duty, no boy scout stuff.

We don't have a kid of our own, and we want one.

Sometimes you're no great shakes,

but we both love you, whitey,

and we need you,

and you need us.

Can you get that through that thick head of yours?

- We have a room for you, whitey.

Won't you come look at it?

- We'll, uh, clear all my stuff out of here

over the weekend.

Uh, I'll leave my old saxophone here

just in case you might want to blow it sometime.

We'll make that part of the deal, huh?

You'll have to sleep on the couch a night or two

until we get a bed in here.

It'll be your room, whitey.

If you want to be alone, you just shut the door,

and nobody'll bother you.

Um...

I'll go get a pillow and some blankets.

- Won't you give us a chance, whitey?

- I wouldn't knock on it too hard.

The whole thing's liable to come down on you.

- Does aunt Hetty know about all of this?

- Oh, yeah, she knows.

She was out here Sunday.

As a matter of fact,

she, uh, wanted to know if it'd be all right

if she just sat here on the steps

and looked out at the lake for a while.

- Sometimes I worry about aunt Hetty.

She has some very peculiar notions

about this place.

Lem, do you know how much this lake property is worth?

- Well, I guess I never, uh, thought of it in terms of money.

- Properly developed, at least half a million.

- Half a million, huh?

- At least.

Yes, a valuable piece of property, Lem.

- We'll try to take good care of it for you, Ralph.

- For me?

- I imagine it will be yours someday, won't it?

- Oh, I imagine it will...

Someday.

Well, I'd better be getting back.

By the way, Lem, I, uh...

I thought you'd be off hiking this morning.

- I thought I'd leave the hiking to the boys today.

Whitey and a couple of the fellas

are taking the tenderfoot patrol up the Mountain.

- Whitey?

- Yeah.

He just made patrol leader.

- With his background,

I'd hardly have thought he was the caliber to--

- Ralph, whitey is loaded with caliber.

- Well, I just hope he never disappoints you, Lem.

- Easy. Easy, now.

[Grunts]

- Hurry up, whitey!

I'm scared!

- Hold it there! - Hold it!

- What are you doing?

- I just kicked some dirt loose.

Now, you're gonna be all right.

I'm coming after you.

Just don't panic.

- Hurry up, whitey.

- I'm coming, Ronnie! I'm coming!

Let it out easy!

- Let it out easy, hoodoo!

Nice and easy.

- Yeah, come on, you guys.

Let it out easy.

- [Whines]

- Is whitey all right?

- Yeah.

Boy, if we get that goof-off Ronnie out of there,

I'm gonna break his neck.

- Big show-off.

Had to go waltzing on the edge.

Whitey told him a dozen times.

- Easy, hoodoo!

Let it out easy.

You okay, whitey?

- Yeah! Just a couple of feet more!

- Just a couple more feet.

- Okay! Hold it there!

- Hold it!

- Get back!

I'm gonna try to swing over!

- Closer!

- Get back, ya dope! Give me room!

Give me room!

- No! No!

- No, Ronnie, let go!

Let go!

[Dog barking]

[Whitey straining]

- Come on, whitey.

[Dog barking]

Slack off! Slack off!

- Give him slack, quick!

He made it!

- [Panting]

Okay.

Everything's okay, Ronnie.

Just let me tie this around your waist.

- No!

- Ronnie, get up.

- I can't! I'm scared!

- Come on, Ronnie!

Now stand up!

You're gonna be all right, Ronnie.

You're safe now.

The guys'll have you up on top in no time,

honest.

[Dog whines]

- Okay, guys, get ready to pull him up!

- Okay, get ready to pull him up.

- Now just hold on tight,

don't look down.

Don't look down!

Okay.

Pull him up.

- Pull, guys! Pull!

Pull, hoodoo!

Pull.

Pull!

- Come on, you guys! Pull hard! Pull!

- Pull, guys! Pull!

- You're gonna be all right, Ronnie!

Don't look down!

- As soon as we get him up here, whitey,

we'll drop the rope for you!

- Yeah.

You do that.

- You're quite right, Mrs. Larsen.

In my opin--

exactly, Mrs. Larsen.

I quite agree with you.

We certainly will, Mrs. Larsen.

We'll get to the bottom of it,

and, uh...

I hope that Ronnie feels better today.

Good-bye.

Good morning, aunt Hetty. That was Mrs. Larsen.

I suppose you've heard about Ronnie.

- Of course I've heard.

The whole thing's a disgrace.

The boy wasn't hurt.

He was just frightened.

- Aunt Hetty, everyone can hear you.

- Well, let them.

It's outrageous the way this town is gossiping.

I don't want to sit down. Aren't you taking me to lunch?

- Yes, of course, aunt Hetty.

But I would hardly call it gossip.

Lem did give the patrol to a boy

whose record as a delinquent--

- well, if it hadn't been for that delinquent

keeping his head in an emergency

and risking his own life,

there might have been real trouble.

- Yes, aunt Hetty.

Where would you like to have lunch?

- I've decided to eat alone.

- Aunt Hetty!

- Gossip, that's all anyone ever does--

gossip.

- Here, you better take this.

- It's your new compass. You crazy?

- Well, suppose you're somewhere,

you want to know where it is.

You'll need it. - Leo.

- Don't be a dolt. Take it.

- Okay.

Thanks, Leo.

- You'll need a pup tent.

- Pick mine up out at the cabin.

- Well, what about money?

- I'll get a job, plumber's helper or something.

I used to work with pa.

- Whitey. - Yeah?

- I'd go with you,

only I got an appointment with the eye doctor Monday.

- That's okay.

Thanks anyway.

- I'll go with you, whitey. I got no appointments.

- Take over the patrol, Leo.

See these guys shape up, you hear?

Well, Leo, see you.

- See you.

- Hoodoo.

- Yeah.

- Now don't you go bawling.

- Bawling? Why would I go bawling?

I'm 13 years old.

- Yeah.

- You on the roof okay, whitey?

- Yeah.

Here, Dutch.

- That you, Lem?

- Yeah, it's me.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Were you up with whitey?

- Uh...

- Yeah, Lem. We were up there with him.

Come on, hoodoo.

- Hi. - Hello.

- We're having cold supper. Be in ten minutes.

- Fine.

- The whole town still talking?

- No, they've stopped talking. Now they're acting.

Two ladies came in the store today

and decided that Mr. Hughes could wait on them

a lot better than I could.

- Well, this is a small town, Lem.

These gossip storms pass.

- But what right have they got to stand in corners

and whisper about that boy?

Well, I've had enough.

So his old man was a drunk. What's that got to--

378, please.

- This will all blow over, believe me.

- Vida, I'm not waiting for it to blow over.

I'm calling hi plummer, and I'm going--

hello, hi. This is Lem siddons.

I'm calling to tell you

there won't be a scout meeting tonight.

I'm resigning. - Lem, you can't do that.

- That's what my wife just said, hi.

But you're both wrong. I can, and I do.

And you'll have it in writing first thing in the morning.

- Lem, please don't.

- I'm sorry, hi. There's nothing to talk over.

I'll see you tomorrow.

The boy isn't going to take a beating

from brainless gossip if I can help it.

I'll be upstairs with whitey.

[Door opens]

Where do you think you're going?

- How'd you know I was here?

- Well, it wasn't hard.

I figured if you were taking off,

you might want some of your camping stuff.

You were just going to leave

without a word to vida and me?

Oh, whitey.

You want to know something?

This is just the same kind of bullheaded stunt

I used to pull when I was a kid--

take off, run away.

Thought that would solve everything.

I can tell you it never does, whitey.

You've got responsibilities.

You've got a couple of people who need you very much.

This whole thing will blow over.

I gave them my resignation.

That's all the town wants, really.

- You can't quit, Lem.

- Why not?

- Well, because like you said, it wouldn't solve anything.

- Well, now just a second. It's different with me.

- How?

- Well, it's just different, that's all.

- Lem, if I got responsibilities,

believe me, you got worse.

All the guys depend on you.

- Look, who's lecturing who around here?

- Lem, you can't quit!

There wouldn't even be a scout troop without you.

- Whitey.

- You just can't quit, that's all.

- Now, just take it easy, huh?

- Please, Lem.

Please.

[Car horns honking]

- Hello, Lem.

- Hello. Who's that?

- Hi plummer.

All right, park anywhere you can, folks.

[Overlapping talking]

All right, gather round, everybody.

Gather round.

- Hi, what is all this?

- Well, sir, I called in some reinforcements

to get you to change your mind.

Boys: Yeah!

- Well, that's very nice of all of you,

but, well, I'm afraid you're a little late, hi.

- Oh, come on, now, Lem. Don't say that.

- Well, you see, whitey and I decided

just a couple of minutes ago that I'd withdraw

my resignation.

[Cheering]

- Told you it was dopey to run away.

- Yeah.

- Well, folks, it looks like we came all the way out here

for nothing.

- Why, we can't have that.

I'll tell you, as long as you're all out here,

why don't we make this parents' night?

- Good idea!

- Frankie, you take everybody inside,

and we'll start the meeting.

- Okay, fall in, everybody, and follow me.

[Excited chatter]

[Upbeat marching music]

¶ ¶

- hi, Lem. Time for reveille?

- Shh. Reveille, tiger?

They only saw the taps about ten minutes ago.

- Well, I got to be ready for reveille

so I can fire the Cannon when they raise the flag.

That's my job, 6:00.

- I know, tiger.

Right now your job is to get some sleep.

You got to be tired.

After all, you guys hiked all the way from seibert lake

over into Clark county.

That's almost 12 Miles.

- And you didn't have to carry me once.

- No, not once, tiger.

- Boy, I'll bet I'll be a good soldier,

won't I, Lem?

Just like your son whitey,

the one that's in the medical corps.

- Sure you will, tiger.

- When I'm old enough to enlist...

- Well, you're never going to be old enough

if you don't get some sleep.

Now, come on, lie down there.

Good night. - Night, Lem.

- Now close your eyes, huh?

- They're closed.

- Well, then go to sleep.

- I'm asleep! I'm asleep!

- Okay, tiger. Good night.

See you in the morning.

- Ah! Oh!

- Hey, sarge, call the medic! I'm hit!

- Merv, get off me.

You're sitting on my hand grenades.

- Some transportation.

Wait till my draft board hears about this.

- Shut up, the lot of you.

We're in the blue zone.

- Hey, sergeant, if we're in the blue zone,

that means the games have started already, huh?

- Games! Oh, goody, we're gonna play games.

- This ain't no game, soldier.

This here's a tactical exercise

to teach dumb squirts like you how to act

when they meet the enemy.

We're gonna simulate war.

- What's simulate?

- Sort of making out, like with play-acting.

We make out like we're shooting the enemy

and getting our heads blown off.

- With real live ammo?

- Nah, just blank cartridges and smoke bombs like that.

Everything's fake. That right, sarge?

- Like I said, we call it simulating.

All: Oh!

- Hey, sarge, I think we just hit a simulated rock.

- [Whistling]

[Leaves rustling]

Hi.

- Hands behind your neck. - What?

- Do like he says. You're captured.

- Captured? - Both hands behind your neck.

- Oh, now, wait-- - fast!

- Keep them there.

- Look, if you fellas are at your war games or something,

you've got the wrong guy.

I'm not the army. I'm a scoutmaster.

My troop's right over there.

- Behind your neck.

- So you're a scoutmaster, huh?

- That's right.

If you don't believe me,

just look over in that hollow over there.

We've got a scout camp right over there.

- Don't worry about that, pal.

The artillery will take care of them.

- Boy scouts.

- Oh, boy scouts. Now that is a real Lulu.

- I don't know who you fellas think I am.

- We don't think.

That's for officers.

- Well, I'll tell you anyway. My name is Lem siddons and--

- all you have to say is your name, rank, and serial number.

- I told you my name.

- Corporal, you want me to knock him in the head?

- No. All spies go to interrogation.

- Oh, I'm no spy.

- Hey, what about your field glasses?

- We just use those for-- for bird-watching.

- Ha! Bird-watching. - Yes.

- Wait till interrogation gets ahold of this one.

All right, move out. - Move out where?

- Move! - Come on!

- Ten-hut!

- Good morning, lieutenant.

- Oh, lieutenant, am I glad to see you, sir.

- Speak when you're spoken to, prisoner.

All right, speak.

- Lieutenant, my name is Lem siddons.

I'm a civilian, and this whole thing

is one big cockeyed mistake.

- Where was he taken?

- Behind our lines, sir.

- Lieutenant, I can explain this whole thing very simply.

I was down at the creek, and I was starting to shave--

- we removed these from the prisoner

when we searched him, sir-- compass, signaling device.

- Signal-- that's my shaving mirror.

- Tactical map.

- That's a topographical map.

My scouts haven't been in this area before,

and that is an official boy scout compass.

And those binoculars, believe it or not,

are for watching birds.

- For watching birds?

- That's right.

- Very clever.

And you're a scoutmaster?

- That's right!

- Tie a sheepshank.

- A sheepshank.

- Sheepshank.

- Lieutenant, I'll level with you.

The sheepshank is one knot I've never been able

to tie very well.

Would you settle for a square knot

or maybe a bowline?

- Prepare this prisoner for tactical interrogation.

- Tactical interrogation?

Lieutenant, this may be some kind of war game

with you fellas, but I've got a scout troop out there.

- Process this man and transfer him to command

along with the other prisoners.

- We haven't taken any other prisoners, sir.

- That's an order, sergeant.

- Yes, sir.

- Uh...

- Carry on, men.

- Shouldn't we wait for Lem? - Has anybody seen him?

- He's probably down by the creek washing up,

but he'd want us to go ahead right on time.

- So raise the flag. I'm hungry.

- Not until 6:00.

- Very technical.

- Okay, it's 6:00.

Attention.

Ready, tiger?

One...

Two...

Fire. [Cannon fires]

- What was that? - 6:00.

- Fire.

[Cannon fire echoing]

- All I did was pull a cord

and look what happened.

- Hey, what are you guys doing up there?

- What are you doing down there?

- I've been looking for Lem.

He's not down at the creek. He's not anywhere.

[Projectile whistles]

[Explosion]

- Never mind Lem! We got to get out of here!

We're being invaded.

- They must have come up from Mexico.

- Or down from Canada.

- Follow me!

- Hey, where you going?

- Don't ask questions! Follow him!

- Hey, you guys, come back here.

It's only war games.

- Wait!

Go back! Go back!

- Aah!

Aah!

[Explosions]

- Look out!

Let's get out of here!

- Yeah. - Wait for me.

- Hey, you guys, will you please listen?

Hey, how can you listen when you're running?

[Gunfire, explosions]

- Flour, nothing but flour.

- Doesn't taste like flour to me.

Tastes like something poisonous.

- Cyanide.

- Here he comes again.

- Hey, come on, you dope!

[Scouts shouting]

[Overlapping shouting]

[Coughing]

- Whatever it is.

- What kind of place is this anyway?

- An enemy fort. - You think?

- Yeah, and maybe they're coming back.

All: Coming back?

- We got to get out of here.

- Shut up, you guys. There's a message coming through.

All: A message?

- What's it say, Harry?

- I don't know. Ollie, you know morse code.

What's it saying?

[Telegraph clicking]

- It's saying,

"post four answer."

- Well, go ahead, answer.

- Well, what do I say?

- Just say-- just say hello.

- [Clicking]

- They said what?

- "Hello, hello, hello."

- Hello, hello what?

- Just hello.

- Tell them to identify.

- [Clicking]

- "Identify."

- Well, go ahead, identify.

- Yeah, tell them who we are.

- [Clicking]

- Hawk...

Patrol...

B.S.A...

Hickory?

- Boy, have they got a code.

That bunker's been captured.

Contact tank command to blue fox

and tell them to counterattack immediately.

- [Clicking]

- [Clicking]

- Come on, Ollie. It's our last chance.

- They just won't answer anymore.

- Keep trying.

- Maybe they use a different code

on account of Samuel morse was an American.

- Hey, shut up, tiger.

Keep trying. Send s.O.S. Or something.

- Holy jumping blue-eyed cow.

- What is it, Jimmy?

- It's a tank with a Cannon on the front of it.

All: A tank?

- With a Cannon on the front of it?

- It's a tank, all right.

- Is that a real Cannon?

It's a real Cannon, all right.

- We're under attack.

[All shouting]

- Let me think!

This can't be for real.

- What are these things?

- Maybe it is.

- Who did that?

- I did it.

- Hit another one, Ollie.

- I did it again!

- We're counterattacking. Fire number three.

[Explosion]

- And number four! Hit it, Ollie!

Yeah!

[Overlapping chatter]

[Cheering]

- Our tank is falling back, sir.

They're under heavy attack.

- Tell them they can't retreat. This is fighting.

- [Clicking]

[Excited chatter]

- Look.

- It's coming back.

- Blow it up again, Ollie.

- I pushed all the buttons.

- Push them again.

[Overlapping chatter]

- Hey, look. Maybe this'll work.

- Let me see, Duke.

[Gunfire]

Did I stop them?

- No, they're still coming!

- What do we do now, Harry? - I don't know.

How should I know? - What does this mean, Ollie?

- How should I know?

You ask me, I think we should surrender.

- It's got to be something.

- Did I do that?

- Hey! What's the matter with you guys in there, huh?

What are you, crazy?

- Okay, tag them all prisoners.

Tactically captured by counterattack

in this bunker here. - Captured?

Hey, we knocked out this position an hour ago.

- Are you arguing with the decision of an umpire, sir?

- I'm not arguing! I'm telling!

This bunker's been neutralized.

You're gonna have to change your decision.

- I don't change nothing, sir.

- You giving me lip, sergeant?

- Knock if off, sir, or I'll throw you out of the game.

- Throw me out? - Yeah!

- Kill the umpire. - Who said that?

I'll throw out the whole bunch of you.

- Atta boy, sarge. - Who's gonna throw who out?

- You shut up. You're dead.

The decision of the umpire stands.

- Oh, come on, now!

- It stands.

Okay, all personnel in the bunker,

come on out.

You've captured this tank here.

- Boy scouts?

- Did he say we captured that tank?

- That's what he said.

[All cheering]

- Hey, mister, do we get to keep the tank

or do we have to give it back after the war?

- All right, what's your decision now, ump?

- Boy scouts, girl scouts, my decision still stands.

You're captured. That's it.

Boys: ¶ follow me, boys, follow me ¶

¶ when you think you're really beat ¶

¶ that's the time to lift your feet ¶

¶ and follow me, boys ¶

¶ follow me ¶

- hey, sergeant, come out here and take a look.

- What?

Where do you think you're going?

[Singing continues]

- What's that?

Boys: ¶ follow me, boys ¶

- my boy scouts.

- What's that?

- That's his boy scouts.

- Boy scouts?

Boys: ¶ and follow me ¶

¶ follow me, boys, follow me ¶

- boy scouts.

- That's what I've been trying to tell you.

- What do we do with him now, lieutenant?

- Show him how to tie a sheepshank and let him go.

- Let me out of here, sergeant.

Boys: ¶ put them down and follow me ¶

¶ ¶

- hi, Lem!

- Hi, guys!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

What are you doing up there?

- And I did it, Lem.

I started the whole war. I pulled the string.

[Overlapping chatter]

- What is it, Lem? What happened?

- Oh, what--

- I don't know, guys.

- Well, what about all our stuff in the cabin?

[Overlapping talking]

- Don't worry about it. It will be all right.

- You think this could be on the count of us

capturing that tank, Lem?

- Don't be a dork.

Somebody legal wants us out of here.

Isn't that right, Lem?

- That's the way it looks, Harry, yeah.

- Yeah, but why, Lem?

- I just don't know, Duke.

[All chattering]

[Car horn honks]

Mrs. seibert.

- Lemuel. Boys.

Boys: Hello, Mrs. seibert.

- I couldn't believe it.

Ralph said he was going to do it,

but I just didn't believe him.

You're Charlie Davis' boy. Oliver, isn't it?

- Yes, ma'am.

- And you're Duke. - Yes, ma'am.

- Jimmy. - Yes, ma'am.

- And you're--

- Virgil Higgins, ma'am. But my name is tiger.

- Oh, I wanted it to be a surprise.

- You wanted what to be a surprise, Mrs. seibert?

- I was going to give you this lake.

- Give it to us?

- Lemuel, do you think I'm mentally unbalanced?

- You?

Why, certainly not.

- Well, my nephew says I am

just because I want to give away my own property.

He's asked the court to appoint a guardian

to manage my financial affairs.

There's to be a hearing in two weeks

on my mental competency.

Now, what would you do if you were me?

- Well, the first thing I'd do is punch him in the nose.

But if I were you, Mrs. seibert,

I'd fight him legally all the way.

- That's just what I'm going to do.

Oh, lemuel, will you help me?

- Any way I can.

- Thank you.

Good-bye, lemuel.

- Good-bye, Mrs. seibert. - Good-bye, boys.

Boys: Bye, Mrs. seibert.

- Thank you.

- She was gonna give us the whole lake.

Guess that would sound kind of wacky, wouldn't it?

- And it is our further contention, your honor,

that the increasing burden of years

has visibly affected Mrs. seibert's judgment

and financial responsibility,

that the management of her not unsizable fortune

has become increasingly clouded

with her eccentric decisions...

- What's going on?

- Hasty formulations,

and inconsiderate financial commitments.

Now, in support of these contentions, your honor,

we have heard witnesses who have observed

Mrs. seibert's behavior over a long period of years.

- Ralph, stop biting your fingernails.

[Laughter]

My sister used to put mustard on his nails when he was little.

- Your honor.

- Mrs. seibert, may we let counsel sum up?

- Oh, of course. Go right ahead, young man.

- Thank you.

We have heard from Mrs. Collins,

who testified that as far back as 1926

she visited the lake

and was invited into a nonexistent kitchen.

- He bit me once when he was seven.

[Laughter]

- And Mr. Johnson, who testified that he was hired

to remove a tree because it blocked the view

from a nonexistent veranda.

Now, your honor, as much as my client regrets it,

we must submit that Mrs. seibert suffers from hallucinations,

that she is not able to determine financial values

as manifested by her capricious decision

to give a half-a-million-dollar property

to a few dozen boy scouts.

- Hallucinations?

- For her own good, your honor,

we ask that a guardian be appointed

to manage the affairs of Hetty cutler seibert.

[Crowd murmuring]

- Young man, you are a popinjay.

- Aunt Hetty.

- And you are an employer of popinjays.

[Laughter]

[Gavel bangs]

- Your honor. - Yes, Mr. siddons?

- Things have been moving along here pretty fast,

and nobody has heard Mrs. seibert

in her own defense.

Now, as a prospective trustee of the lake property

and an interested party to this action,

I'd like to ask a few questions,

if our counsel will permit.

- I have no objections, your honor.

- Well, I have, your honor.

If it please the court, this is highly improper.

- This is not a trial, Mr. Cooper.

I see no reason why Mr. siddons' questions

would topple the pillars of justice.

Mrs. seibert, would you please take the stand

and be sworn in?

- Isn't Lem just wonderful?

- He hasn't said anything yet.

- Shh.

- Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you may give

in the cause now pending before this court

shall be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

- Of course I do.

- State your name, please.

- Now, Charlie. - Just for the record.

- Hetty cutler seibert.

- Thank you.

- All right, Mr. siddons, proceed.

- Thank you, your honor.

Mrs. seibert, do you know what an hallucination is?

- Anybody knows that.

It's a psychotic condition marked by delusion

and loss of contact with reality.

Isn't that correct?

- Oh, yes, yes.

I'd say that was a reasonable description.

Now, Mrs. seibert,

Mrs. Collins and others have testified

that you often sat alone out at the lake,

usually on the steps of the cottage.

- No one is ever alone

who has something good to remember.

- No, of course not.

Now, Mrs. seibert,

I'm going to ask you a blunt question.

Do you believe that a cottage now exists at the lake?

Mrs. seibert?

- Only in my memory, lemuel.

- Mrs. seibert,

if a cottage does not now exist at the lake,

what happened to it?

- It burned to the ground...

September 26,

1918.

Two days...

- Two days after you learned that both your sons

had been killed in action in France.

- Yes.

- Your honor, he's leading the witness.

- Quite skillfully too.

Mr. siddons, please do not lead the witness.

- Of course not, your honor.

Now, Mrs. seibert,

the cottage was a very special place.

I mean, it meant a great deal to your boys, didn't it?

- Yes.

My boys played there many years.

That's why when you brought the scouts to the lake,

I could see my boys playing again.

Oh, I wanted that more than anything--

a place where boys could play

just as my boys did.

- Your honor, I do not think this is relevant.

- Well, then why don't we make it relevant?

Why don't we direct our attention to Mrs. seibert's

inability to determine financial values.

Mrs. seibert, you are aware, are you not,

of the real reason for this hearing?

- Of course.

Ralph wants to keep the lake in the family and develop it.

- Your honor, I must protest.

- I suppose you must.

But I wish you wouldn't.

- Now, Mrs. seibert,

the development of this property

was planned as a benefit to the community, of course?

- Well, more or less as a benefit to Ralph,

I should say-- a tax shelter.

[Crowd murmuring]

- A what? - A tax shelter.

- Your honor, I cannot see

where this line of questioning is taking us.

- Neither do I.

Certainly sounds interesting. Go ahead.

- Mrs. seibert, could you explain

this tax shelter to his honor?

- Of course.

It's simply a question of accelerated depreciation

on development housing,

assuming a straight-line depreciation rate

and subsequent sale at book value,

which would create a capital-gains situation,

thereby avoiding 75% of normal taxes.

Permitted under section 1201 of the internal revenue code.

- Was that clear, your honor?

- I never heard anything like it.

- Well, I guess those are all the questions

I wanted to ask, your honor.

- Mr. Cooper, you don't have any questions, do you?

- No, your honor.

- Good.

- Mrs. seibert, thank you very much.

You may step down.

- Would it help if I'd quote from section 1201 of the code?

[Applause]

- Lem did it. He did it.

- That's the prettiest thing I ever saw.

[Gavel bangs]

- Order. Order, please.

Mr. Hastings, I am going to be charitable

and give you permission to withdraw your request

for appointment of a guardian for your aunt, Mrs. seibert.

Do you wish to make such a withdrawal?

- Yes, your honor, I do.

- Petition for appointment of a guardian for Mrs. seibert

is hereby denied.

Hearing adjourned.

[Applause]

- Way to go, Lem.

You showed them, Lem.

- [Playing saxophone]

- ¶ Happy Birthday to you ¶

¶ Happy Birthday to you ¶

¶ Happy Birthday, dear John ¶

¶ Happy Birthday to you ¶

- [continues playing]

[Both chuckle]

- Oh, vida,

didn't I tell you last year no more birthdays?

- Mm-hmm, you tell me that every year.

Happy Birthday, dear.

- Thank you. - Happy Birthday, John.

- All right, Lem.

- Now, make a wish and blow out the candle.

- Make a wish. Well...

[Inhales deeply]

Say, how old am I?

Darned if I remember.

- And I refuse to tell you.

- You're the same age you were that morning you hired me

and not a day older.

- Oh, good lord, do you remember that morning?

- Aren't you going to make a wish?

- You know, I figured you for a regular whippersnapper

that morning.

Yeah, but I liked your gall.

- John. - Yeah?

I know, make a wish.

All right.

Maybe I ought to wish that Lem flunks his bar exam

next month, hmm?

The store won't be the same without you, Lem.

- Well, John, I wouldn't--

I wouldn't plan on replacing me right away.

When whitey comes home,

there'll be one professional man in the family,

and I, uh-- I think maybe that's enough.

- Lem.

- Vi, I've had my day in court.

We both know that.

- Oh, speaking of whitey,

you haven't seen the latest, John.

This was taken on leave in Paris.

- My, my, that is whitey?

- He's a captain now.

- Oh, and, uh, who's she?

- Oh, name is Nora Thompson.

- Nora, oh.

Well, the way she's looking at him,

you'd think that--

- and you'd be right.

Yes, they're head over heels.

- My, my, where does time go?

[Chuckles] Yesterday he was snitching penny candy,

and now look at him.

Look at me, another birthday.

[Chuckles]

Well...

Oh, I'm sorry, vida.

- Oh, that's all right. Make a wish anyway.

- No, I don't have to.

I've already got it.

All I'd ever wish is to be with good friends,

like you and Lem.

[Phone rings]

- Oh, I'll get it.

Go ahead and cut the cake, but wait for me.

- All right. [Ringing continues]

- Hello. Oh, hello, Mrs. seibert.

How--

what?

When?

Oh, yes, we will.

Yes, I'll call you back. Thank you.

Thank you.

- All right.

- It's president Truman from the white house.

- What? - On the radio.

They surrendered.

The war is over, Lem. - What?

- The war is over.

The cease-fire was this morning.

- Here, l-let me get it.

- Hopes of all America--

indeed of all the civilized world--

are centered tonight on thebattleship Missouri.

There, on that small piece of American soil

anchored in Tokyo harbor,

the Japanese have just officially laid down their arms.

They have signed terms of unconditional surrender.

[Upbeat music]

¶ ¶

- whitey.

Whitey!

- Vida!

- Oh, my dear.

- Hey, whitey. - Lem!

- It's good to see you, boy.

- Oh, it's good to be home. - Oh, you look fine.

Doesn't he look fine? - Oh, you look just fine.

- Nora.

Nora, here they are,

the two greatest--

well, meet my family.

Family, meet the bride.

- Bride?

Whitey, you big sneaker.

Congratulations.

- Thank you. - Wonderful.

- Why didn't you write?

- Well, we wanted it to be a surprise.

- Well, it certainly is.

- Now, after you kiss the bride,

we'll go have some breakfast and talk all about it.

And then we've got to find a house,

and then I've got to find an office.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

First things first.

Welcome to our family, Nora.

- Thank you, Lem.

I mean Mr. siddons.

- "Lem" will do fine.

Well, let's get some breakfast,

and then we'll get you kids settled, huh?

- Wait a minute, this is Saturday.

You have a hike today, don't you?

- Don't I always have a scout hike on Saturday?

- We're working on...

[Upbeat marching music]

¶ ¶

- hey, that's a pretty big load.

Don't lift too heavy now, Jimmy.

- Hey, Lem, you need any help up there?

- No, I can handle it all right, Frankie.

Just get that truck unloaded, huh?

¶ ¶

take 'er easy.

Yeah.

- Lem.

- Hey, Frankie, what's been keeping you?

- I was delayed in town.

- Did you pick up that planking?

- Lem, I've got bad news.

- Bad news?

- It's Mr. Hughes.

Whitey asked me to come and get you.

- What happened?

- Now, uh, there is just one more thing, Lem.

This letter was dictated by Mr. Hughes

when he became ill several months ago.

It has been incorporated as part of the will,

and it's addressed to the two of you.

"Memorandum to vida and lemuel siddons,

"beloved friends.

"Having no family to whom this store could be left,

"it had been my intention until recently

to bequeath same to my cat, Arthur III."

"However, it occurs to me that Arthur doesn't know the stock

"and would probably lose all the boy scout business,

"disliking boys as he does.

"It becomes necessary, therefore,

"to saddle someone with this store

"who can run it better than a cat.

"Although you are somewhat pigheaded, Lem,

"you have the most wonderful wife in the world,

"and she should make up for your shortcomings.

"This store is yours, vida,

"and yours, Lem.

"God bless you.

And don't give Arthur milk. He hates it."

- Well.

- There are some papers

that have to be signed before witnesses.

Could you two come to my office in the morning?

- Yes, yes, we can.

- He sure thought the world of you two.

Good night, vida.

Good night, Lem.

- Thank you, Leo.

- Good night, Leo.

Give my best to Mary and the kids.

- I will.

- Oh, Lem.

- Well, all I have to do now

is run the store better than a cat.

- Well, better start home.

- Yeah.

Oh.

[Groans]

- Now, what's the matter, Lem?

- It's nothing. I, uh--I, uh--

I just felt a little tired all of a sudden.

I'm all right now.

- I think I'm gonna give whitey a call

first thing in the morning.

- You're going to do nothing of the sort, vida.

There's nothing wrong with me.

- Yes, there is.

- I tell you, there isn't.

- You're pigheaded, just like John said you were.

- Whitey calls me a mule.

I think I like that better.

Well, Nora, what does it say?

- It says you're an impossible patient.

- Is it a secret or something?

What does it say?

- You wouldn't understand it.

It's in code-- medical not morse.

- Well, why don't you say it, whitey?

The heart, huh?

Is it bad?

Whitey, answer me. Is it bad?

- Lem, I'd say your heart will last

as long as you live.

- Well, that's not very funny.

- Well, it wasn't meant to be funny.

You're not as young as you were.

- Well, that's a great medical observation.

- Lem, these are supposed to be the cautious years.

If you don't stop overdoing it,

the next time might be real trouble.

- All right, first chance I get I'll--

vi, what is that?

- Milk toast.

- All right, whitey, I'll make a deal with you.

I'll try to slow down,

but I'm not going to eat milk toast yet.

- Slowing down isn't good enough.

You need a complete rest.

- Whitey, how can I rest now?

Who's gonna finish building the camp out at the lake?

Who's gonna get the free lumber?

And who's gonna get the free labor?

Will you both stop "lemming" me?

Who's gonna see that everything's ready

for dedication day?

Who's gonna coordinate all the activities and who--

- Lem, the troop committee will handle all that.

- Oh, the troop committee. They'll gum everything up.

No, no, I've got to get out there and take charge.

- You're going to stay right where you are.

- Lem, you're missing the point.

You're through taking charge.

- Says you.

- No, Lem.

Says the troop committee.

- The troop committee! Now, what--

- Lem, please.

Be quiet and listen to him.

- We all knew how you were pushing yourself

with those-- those pep pills

and those patent medicines.

You'd never quit on your own,

so we had to make the decision.

- Whitey, what are you trying to say?

- Lem, I've already said it.

You've got to give up the scouts.

We voted on it a month ago,

but, well, nobody had the nerve to tell you,

including me.

- Kicked out.

After 20 years, kicked out.

- Honestly, Lem, they're only doing it for your own good.

- And nobody's trying to kick you out.

- Of course not.

You'll still be a part of the troop.

We'll always need your advice and experience.

It's just that you won't have to do anything.

- You make me sound like I'm 102.

Who are you going to get to take over?

- Joe pickens maybe.

- Joe pickens from troop 1?

- Well, he's willing.

- He's just a kid.

- Lem, he's whitey's age.

- Oh.

Well, he's still 13 1/2 in my book.

- Lem, the troop committee voted on something else.

As a special tribute to you,

we're gonna create the title scoutmaster emeritus.

- Of course, Joe did make eagle scout, didn't he?

Scoutmaster what?

- Emeritus.

- That's not in the manual.

- Lem, when did your troop do everything by the manual?

Let's go, dear.

- Go where?

- Other patients, sick ones.

- Good-bye, Lem.

- We'll be over after dinner, vida.

And keep him from swinging on the chandelier

if you can manage.

- I'll try.

- Good-bye, Lem. - Good-bye, dear.

- Good-bye. - Thank you.

- Vi, just what does emeritus mean?

- It means you keep the title of scoutmaster

as a deserved honor.

- And sit here in my big overstuffed armchair

while nothing happens out at the camp.

The roof isn't even on the cabin for dedication day.

- Lem. - They--

okay.

A deserved honor, huh?

- And they mean it.

- Scoutmaster emeritus.

That doesn't, uh, sound too bad, does it?

Oh, vi.

- Lem, it's almost 1:00.

Hi, Lem, you ready?

- Yes, we're ready.

- Ten-hut!

- Hey, what's this?

[Bugle plays]

¶ ¶

- hello, dear.

- Oh, vida, you look lovely. - Oh, thank you.

- Let's not overdo it, huh, fellas?

- How are you, Lem?

- Well, I'm healthy enough to get myself into a car

without an honor guard.

- The dedication committee thought it would look better.

- Yeah, some dedication.

You'd think at least one of the old scouts

would have showed up.

- Well, maybe they will, dear.

- Well, if they'd been in town,

they would have phoned, wouldn't they?

I'll bet the dedication committee

didn't even write them a letter.

- Oh, we wrote them, Lem. Every one of them.

- Well, probably forgot to put in the date.

[Bugle plays]

¶ ¶

[cheering]

- Excuse me, Lem. I got to get over there.

[Marching band plays]

¶ ¶

- good lord.

Vi, what is it?

[Cheering]

- It's Lem siddons day.

- I just can't believe it.

¶ ¶

vida, look.

They're here,

all the guys from the old troop.

Hi, fellas!

[Excited shouting]

There's quong. Hi, quong.

And beefy.

¶ ¶

hi, beefy. Hi, guys.

¶ ¶

[cheering]

Vida, it's the governor.

- Hi, Lem.

- Hello, hoodoo.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

- Vida. - Hello, dear.

- Whitey, Nora. - Hi, governor.

- Had to call off a session of the legislature, but I made it.

- Good.

- I'll see you out at the lake, Lem.

- Yes.

[Cheering and band continue]

[Excited chatter]

- Congratulations, Lem. - Thank you.

Thank you for coming, Mrs. seibert.

- Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

- Hi, Mrs. seibert.

- Nice to see you again, governor.

- Hoodoo. - Hoodoo.

Hello, dear.

- May I have your attention?

Can you hear me back there?

- Loud and clear, governor!

- Now, Lem, is gonna cut the tape, friends.

We'll march across the bridge,

inspect the camp,

and have the dedication ceremonies.

But before all of that, there's one ceremony

that's been waiting 20 years,

and it can't wait any longer.

You remember when we were kids,

we used to get a kick out of that big book

that Lem used to lug around, the one with the funny title--

jurisprudentia legis.

- Did you ever finish it, Lem?

[Laughter]

- We'd ask him what it was for, and Lem would say,

"that's so I can be a lawyer someday."

Well, because of all the time that Lem gave to all of us,

that "someday" had to be postponed indefinitely,

but not forever.

And now, by the authority vested in me

through the state regents and the university,

I hereby confer on you, lemuel siddons,

the honorary degree, doctor of laws.

[Cheers and applause]

[Marching band plays for he's a jolly good fellow]

¶ ¶

- okay, counselor, you're on.

[Cheers and applause]

- There are so many things I'd like to say,

but it's--

it's a little hard to talk right now.

All I can say is thank you...

For everything.

I want to thank you, hoodoo,

and, whitey...

And, quong,

and, beefy,

and, Frankie, and, Mickey,

all the guys down through the years.

And I want to thank my wife.

All of you who've made my life

the happiest life a man could have.

And, Mrs. seibert,

a very special thanks to you

for making all this possible.

Well, I, uh-- I guess that's all.

[Marching band plays for he's a jolly good fellow]

¶ ¶

- these were made special, Lem.

- Well, all I can say is they ought to do the job.

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

Well, what do I say now?

- What you always say, dear.

- Oh.

All right, guys, now let's shape it up in there.

Fall in

and follow me, boys.

[Band plays]

All: ¶ follow me, boys, follow me ¶

¶ when you think you're really beat ¶

¶ that's the time to lift your feet ¶

¶ and follow me, boys, follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ pick them up ¶

¶ there's a job to do ¶

¶ there's a fight to win ¶

¶ follow me, boys, follow me ¶

¶ and it won't be done ¶

¶ till we all pitch in ¶

¶ lift your chin with a grin and follow me ¶

¶ follow me, boys, follow me ¶

¶ when you think you're really beat ¶

¶ that's the time to lift your feet ¶

¶ and follow me, boys, follow me ¶

¶ pick them up, put them down ¶

¶ and follow me ¶

¶ follow me, boys, follow me ¶

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