All language subtitles for Alex, Inc. 1x08 - The Internet Trolls

To get ready for
the launch of our new podcast,

we created a teaser to built excitement.

It had definitely built mine.

Guys, this is a very big deal.

A sample of what we've been working on

for the last three months

is about to be released into the world.

Should we all click the mouse together?

You can fly solo on this one, Al.
It's just a teaser.

In high school, everyone
called me "The Tease."

'Cause I was so good at joking.

Okay, fine. I'll click it alone.

And... teaser launched.

Now, speaking of which, let's
talk about this launch party.

I took care of the chairs.

They're being delivered tomorrow...

50 lawn chairs, just like you said.

I didn't say "lawn chairs."

I said "launch chairs,"
as in... for the launch.

Yeah. No. I... I know.

Oh, did you guys have a chance
to look at my speech?

Uh, I did.

I wept, and I have a few teeny edits.

Speech is too long, Al.

What are you talking about?

It's 52 minutes...
right in the sweet spot.

At the very least, you gotta
lose Ben's birth story.

Especially 'cause it was such
a straightforward birth.

No, no, no. The birthing process
is a metaphor

for how this company came about.

It's a must-keep.

- Okay, yeah.
- Up to you.

You guys are the best.

Ooh! We got our first comment.

It says...

"PASS," all caps.

Thanks a lot, JoeHeartsCalamari.

It's just one comment.

Yeah, but one guy said it,
but that doesn't mean

other people aren't thinking it...

for every one you see,
there's a thousand more.

- I think that's roaches.
- Or racists.

Well, maybe he meant "pass,"
like the opposite of "fail."

Nope, just posted again...

"To clarify... this podcast blows."

Well, this guy clearly doesn't get me.

We have nothing in common.

Though, I do heart calamari.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Hello, family.

Ooh, Dad has his hipster shirt on.

That's right, sweetheart.

I'm headed to a Brooklyn watering hole

with my co-workers.

I'll probably be the only
one there without a mustache,

so I need to make sure
I look extra cool.

Now, has anyone seen my purse?

Yeah, your recorder is on the chair.

Ah, thank you, darling.

I want to get Eddie and Deirdre on tape

talking about the launch.

I'm hoping, once they get
a few drinks in them,

one of them will say something profound.

Oh, I listened to your teaser,
by the way.

- It's really good.
- Ha!

- In your face, JoeHeartsCalamari.
- Who?

Just some jerky troll on the Internet

who left a very hurtful comment.

Hey, since when do you read comments?

You never used to care about
that kind of thing at Cheer Up.

This isn't Cheer Up, babe.
This thing is all me.

This is the very first thing
I've put out there

that is entirely my vision.

- It's...
- Exciting?

I was gonna say "terrifying,"
but, yes, it's also exciting.

Well, just try to remember,
you can't please everyone.

Yeah. Tell that to The Rock.

All done.

Sweetie, do you think maybe
an Iroquois village

should have more than one thing in it?

How about a tepee?

The Iroquois lived in longhouses, Dad.

What about when they went camping?

Well, how about a stream
or animals, trees, effort?

Nah. This is fine.

"Fine"? Did she just use the "F" word?

It's like she doesn't even care.

She's in the third grade now.

That's when kids start to separate...

smart kids over here
and cool rebels over there.

Oh, my God. She's a cool rebel?

She's gonna throw keggers.

Are we gonna have to buy a lake house?

Not if I have anything to say about it.

Damn it.

I'm gonna make sure
she crushes this project.

Once she gets a taste of an "A,"
she'll be jonesing for more.

I remember my diorama days.

I could capture everything from
an ecosystem to a battlefield.

They called me "Shoebox Schuman."

But that's all behind me now.

One day, you look around you
and see there are no more worlds

left to conquer.

He'll never make us buy a lake house.

No.

With all our hard work
about to be out there

for the world to hear,
I wanted to have a night out,

just the three of us,
to celebrate and reflect.

And that's when I realized,

it didn't matter who my father was.

It's who I thought my father was
that mattered.

Wow, Eddie.

Who knew you had
profound stuff in there?

I'm as surprised as anyone.

That was beautiful, Eddie.

Hey, what do you guys think
that guy's like?

Who? Eddie's dad?

Well, unless that P.I. gets back
to me, we'll never know.

No, no. JoeHeartsCalamari.

Probably a sad loser,
no love in his life.

The only thing he's ever "hearted"

is a ring of fried squid.

Jerk.

Why's this hitting you so hard?

The guy's a loser.
Stop getting hung up on it.

You're so right. Why do I care?

I'm... I'm obsessing over some nobody.

I don't care anymore.
I'm a grown-ass man.

I'm gonna go tinkle. Watch my ros�.

Yikes.

Lots of people say "tinkle."

No, guy's gotten so sensitive.

I used to be able to break
his balls all the time.

Now I can't even lightly graze his balls

without him freaking out.

I know! I can't graze his balls, either.

Can you imagine what Alex would do

if we told him
he was being too sensitive?

- He'd be a crying mess.
- Mm-hmm.

And he doesn't even pretend to have
something in his eye, like a man.

He'll cry looking right at you.

He cried the other day when I told him

he mispronounced the word "GIFs."

I think it's "JIFs."

Well, don't cry, but it's "GIFs."

Oh, hey, Ben, what do you think?

Soraya really nailed it, huh?

She had a little help.

Yeah. There's some good, um...

concepts there.

"Concepts"?

What would you have done differently?

Mom, I like the diorama.

Ben.

Okay, uh, for starters,
the Iroquois would never build

a longhouse next to a waterfall.

There's flooding, mist, ice hazards.

You gotta put yourself in their shoes.

Don't you mean moccasins?

Do you want my help or not?

Sorry.

Your layout is smart, but...

it lacks detail and movement.

I would recommend a lighting component.

Lighting component.

I didn't even think of that.

Look, Ben, I really want Soraya
to get a good grade on this,

so it's gotta be great.

What do you say you dust off the
old glue gun and help me out?

Mom, I told you. I'm retired.

But you're so good at dioramas.

The one you did of Tiananmen Square

moved Ms. Hemzik to tears.

She was inconsolable.

Come on, Ben.

You can't tell me there's
nothing left in the tank.

Okay.

But we're gonna use real tree bark.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna put on a pot of coffee.

We got a lot of work to do.

You're too young for coffee.

It's for staining the paper.

If you focus, I'll try my best
to be patient.

Wow. That is so...

clearly not Soraya's work.

Well, maybe not entirely,
but not entirely mine, either.

Shoebox Schuman?

Don't call it a comeback.

How was drinks, by the way?

It was awesome.

I actually got Eddie on tape
for the podcast

saying something very profound.

Listen to this.

Guy's gotten so sensitive.

I used to be able to break
his balls all the time.

Now I can't even lightly graze his balls

without him freaking out.

I know! I can't graze his balls, either.

What the hell is this?

Why are they so into your balls?

Can you imagine what Alex would do

if we told him
he was being too sensitive?

He'd be a crying mess.

I'm not sensitive.

Why would they say that?

You're sensitive!

Hey! Easy!

You almost took out my chief.

Ow!

It's a really good diorama, Ben...

couldn't have done it without you.

I do not disagree.

Al? Alex.

Are you still listening to that
recording from last night?

I'm alternating between that and Adele.

We've both been hurt so deeply.

Oh. Soraya, carpool's here!

Whoa!

Looks a little more like
an "A" project, don't you think?

This has Ben's nerdy
fingerprints all over it.

False. I used museum gloves
so that wouldn't happen.

Make sure you show your teacher
this little clock.

When you rotate the hands
to change it to night,

the fires burn brighter.

How am I gonna stuff this
stupid thing in my backpack?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful!
Benny, help her.

Hey, random question...

You don't think I'm too
sensitive lately, do you?

Honey, I'm sorry your co-workers
said that stuff about you.

You don't deserve that.

You're avoiding the question.

But there is
a bigger problem here, babe.

I mean, if you can't take
constructive criticism,

your company can never improve.

You're right.

You're right, and as long as
Eddie and Deirdre

think I'm too sensitive,

they're never gonna give me
that constructive criticism.

So I need to show them
that I'm not sensitive...

which I'm not, right?

I don't know.
Honestly, I feel like, lately,

I can't say anything to you
without you scoffing

and slowly turning and
walking out of the room.

With the launch just days away,

I knew how important it was
for Eddie and Deirdre

to know that their leader
could take criticism.

Oh, thanks, Mark!

You guys, uh, Mark
from the fitness app...

he just told me that I have a flat butt,

a weak chin, and chicken legs.

Man, that guy knows how
to tell it like it is.

That's incredibly mean.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's just Mark.

He and I have a thing...
he criticizes me,

and then I just laugh
and laugh and laugh.

I actually love it.

What is going on with you?

That's like the fourth story
you've told like that.

How many times can one guy

go into the kitchen and get insulted?

I guess people just like
to bust my balls,

which I'm notoriously okay with.

How about you, Ed?

Would you like to go in the kitchen

and have a go at my balls?

I promise I won't cry.

Wh... Wait a minute.

Did you s...

Did you rat me out?

Are you wearing a wire? I trusted you!

Hey, no one was wearing a wire.
I'll come clean.

I forgot to hit stop
on the recorder last night,

and I heard you guys talking about

how you think I'm too sensitive.

You, um... You heard that?

Many, many times.

Um, would you excuse me a moment?

Sure.

I'm very sorry you heard us
talking about you.

It will never happen again.

We were just blowing off
some steam, Al. Honest.

It's fine. It's fine. You know what?

A good CEO needs to be able
to handle criticism.

And to that end, we are
gonna read every single one

of these comments on the teaser, okay?

And once you guys see how it
all just rolls off my back,

you'll realize that I'm not,
in fact, that sensitive,

and that you can come to me with
any criticism that you have.

It'll help make this company
way, way better.

Okay? Sound fun, sound good, good plan?

- No.
- Awful plan.

Okay. Good.

It shouldn't take long. There's only...

232 comments?

This is just for the teaser.

Please, let's not go down this road.

Oh, we're going down this road, okay?

Come with me. Hey.

Read me one.

Fine.

"This sounds like fun
for the whole family.

We listen to podcasts during dinnertime

so we don't have to talk to each other."

Oh, that's nice. Back to work.

No. The positive ones
don't serve the exercise.

I want you to give me a mean one...

a super, superduper mean one.

I can handle it.

"We put our dog down this morning.

This was worse."

Whoo!

It does... It stings, but I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Great. Mission accomplished.

Back to the grind.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold your horses. One more.

There's my little diorama mama.

Mnh-mnh.

Nope, just trying stuff.

So, how did the project go over?

Oh, it was good. People really loved it.

Feels nice to get a good grade, huh?

Yep. My first non-gym "B."

Wait. You got a "B"?

That project belongs in
a friggin' museum.

Did the teacher say why?

I don't know. When I get a "B,"
I don't ask questions.

W... Can you believe this?

Mom, once the diorama is out
there, it's no longer mine.

It's the world's.

No, it's not.

It's ours, and we deserve
an "A"... for Soraya.

Each comment was like
a knife in my heart,

but I couldn't stop listening to them.

"The only good thing about this podcast

is that it will definitely fail

and ruin the terrible host's life."

Another one.

Alex, we've read 100 of these.

And we have 132 more to go.

Another one. Come sit closer.

"This podcast makes me
want to gouge my ears out."

"They gave the worst guy
on Cheer Up his own show?"

"So, wait. Company is called 'Ajana'?

Well, Ajana never hear this again."

"I'd rather listen to a circular saw

- cutting into another circular saw."
- "Middle finger emoji."

"All the people in this sound ugly."

- "If rotting cheese had a sound..."
- "Vomit emoji."

"I beat cancer for this? # pissed."

That's it. That's all of them.

Did you hit refresh?

- Alex...
- Do it.

"Finally, a podcast
made for my brother."

"My brother was born without ears."

I think I'm gonna call it a day.

It's 3:30.

Alex, we still have to get ready
for the launch tomorrow.

Al? Al!

Just let him go.

But that's my jacket.

Today was the day of our big launch,

but on account of my hurt feelings,

I was having a little trouble
taking off my robe.

Morning, family.

Hey!

Made you your favorite
breakfast, honey...

steel-cut oats, cut-up banana,

little bowl of syrup on the side.

Dad, that cake is from
when Grandma was here...

three weeks ago.

Oh, come on, honey! It's gonna be okay.

What am I gonna do with all these oats?

Is Dad drunk?

No, sweetie.

Not yet.

Hey, Alex.

Whatcha doing there, Al?

Well, yesterday I was soaking up
all of the Internet's insults.

But today, I realized
I can change their minds.

Oh, Alex, please tell me you're not...

Replying to each and every comment.

Look at this one... He says
the podcast is too short.

"This is actually
just a teaser, my friend.

The full podcast is much longer.

All my best, Alex Schuman."

He already replied.

They all reply.

I would read this to you,

but it is a very,
very vulgar suggestion.

"Dear sir or madam,
I am relatively certain

my mother is not interested in that."

Okay, forget these bozos, Al.

This is a sign of success.

If this many people hate something,

it's gotta be popular, right?

Like that fourth hour
of the "Today" show.

Why don't you take today to recharge,
you know, maybe get some sleep?

We will handle everything at work,

and we'll see you at the launch party.

I'm not going to the launch party.

Alex, you have to come.

Everybody's gonna be there...

our investors and our advertisers.

No. Do it without me.

I'm having dinner.

We need you there, Al.

You're the face of the company.

Ms. Whitney. Hi.
Rooni Schuman... Soraya's mom.

We have met a dozen times.

Of course. No, I... I remember you.

I just wanted to make sure
that you r... Never mind.

Uh, I just wanted to talk to you
about Soraya's diorama.

Beautifully done.

Thank you!

I mean... I thought she did well, too.

So, yeah, if we agree, why the "B"?

You see these? All B's.

But they're... But they're amazing.

They sure are.

Guess what else they have in common?

Both parents are architects,

Mom is an out-of-work
Broadway set designer.

This one's dad actually makes
dioramas professionally.

Okay. You caught me.

I just got worried that Soraya's
going down the wrong path.

She's really been phoning in
her schoolwork lately.

Last week, on her math homework,
she just wrote "nah."

Listen, I've got a lot of kids

that are destined for terrible things.

I have a set of twins I call
"the Menendez Sisters"...

cold, cold eyes.

But Soraya's gonna be all right.

She's well-adjusted, social,
little bit of a mean streak,

but, hey, that usually gets you
a homecoming crown.

Really? Great.

I mean, that's... that's good to hear.

He'll be here.
He knows how important this is.

Plus, he's got to be
out of sheet cake by now.

I'm not so sure.

I sent him that selfie of us,
and he responded,

"They celebrated the launch
of the Hindenburg, too."

Honey, why are you wearing
Soraya's security blanket

on your head?

Security.

Okay, babe, I think I've figured
out what's going on with you,

because I think something
similar is going on with me.

Are you serious?

It is one thing to mess with me,

HeartsCalamari, but you
come after my wife...

No. Babe, babe. I'm saying
this company is your baby,

and my baby is, well,
our actual baby, Soraya.

She's hardly a baby.

She barely lets me even
burp her anymore.

I'm just saying,
when something is yours,

there's a lot of pressure
to make sure it succeeds.

But sometimes, people
are gonna give it a "B."

Yeah, or make comments like,
"If road kill had a sound"...

You know what? Forget that guy.

You know what I realized?

If you have done everything
you possibly can

to make sure that your baby
is ready for the world,

you just gotta let them do their thing

and trust that it'll all be fine.

Did you just use the "F" word?

Not the bad fine, the good fine.

Oh, you mean like "foine."

Your podcast and Soraya
are both gonna be foine.

But what if it's not?

I mean, I...

I've put everything we have
into this company.

And it's not that I'm afraid

people aren't gonna like the podcast.

I can handle that.

I guess what I'm really afraid of is...

if they don't, the company will fail,

and I will have let so many people down.

Alex Schuman, there is nothing
that could happen to you

or this company that we can't
figure out as a family.

And neither one of us is gonna fail,

'cause we are good parents.

And your podcast, babe,
is gonna be amazing.

I hope so.

Look, there's one person
who agrees with you.

"Leave my daddy alone.

He is the best, and you are a failure."

Oh, my God.

- Did Soraya write this?
- Yes.

She's so cute and witty and loyal.

But, man, she cannot spell.

I know. "D-A-D-D-D-I."

Three D's right in a row...

probably never thought
they'd be together.

What kind of school is this?

So, what do you think, babe?
Should we get out of bed?

Foine.

Hmm. Frosting.

That's it. We're out of time.

What do we do? Do we say something?

Do we make the speech?
I can make the speech.

I think I can capture more of his
voice, but if you're feeling it...

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to say a few words.

"Watching my wife give birth
to our first child

was both joyful and scary,

though everything went
according to plan."

Oh, thank God. Alex, you made it!

Hi. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I'm late, everybody.

I'm so sorry.

You guys, this place looks amazing.

By the way, I'm sorry that
I've been being so sensitive.

It's just... I feel like
this company's my baby,

and I have so much on my shoulders.

It doesn't have to be that way, Al.

Yeah. It's our baby, too.

Yeah. I mean, maybe you're the
mother, but I'm like the ob-gyn.

And I'm the father.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- It's almost time to launch.

You're not gonna be able
to fit in your speech.

Well, as my partners told me,
that speech is too long.

Everybody, can I have
your attention for a second?

Thank you all so much for coming.

I promise I'll keep this brief.

As the great Neil Armstrong once said,

"Let's launch this beyotch."

When you put your
heart and soul into something,

it can be tough to release it
into the world.

But if you've done your job,

you got to trust
that it's all gonna be okay.

There are always gonna be haters,

but the important thing is

that you listen to
the people that matter.

And since this is just the beginning...

I know I have a lot of listening to do.

Boom. A-plus.

Yes! That's my girl.

Another longhouse, huh?
What a specific curriculum.

Ms. Whitney let her redo
her Iroquois diorama...

Oh.

...because it's not
about a perfect project,

it's about you doing your own
work and giving it your all.

I went a little overboard before.
I'm sorry.

I forgive you... this time.

Thank you.

Now go watch something. You earned it.

This got an "A"?

Doesn't even have a door.

I wasn't gonna panic,
but she misspelled her own name.