All language subtitles for A.P. Bio 1x13 - Drenching Dallas

Okay, start to shut up, everybody.

Here we go. Yeah.

All right, come and get 'em, you dogs.

You are now free to begin learning biology.

Yeah, get 'em. Get 'em.

Yeah, bunch of animals.

You see, my plucky little cherubs,

I am outta here.

Yeah, our revenge mission was a success.

Miles is leaving his post at Stanford,

and I am to assume my rightful perch

atop the philosophy department

where my intellect will
be worshiped by students

that don't dry hump
their pillows every night.

Uh, it's my understanding
that an academic chair

is more admin work than
actual student time.

I'll miss you least of all, Scarecrow.

Does this mean we'll get
an actual biology teacher?

Yes, yes, you're finally gonna be taught

by someone who couldn't
get into med school.

Can you even?

One, two, three, four!

Gosh.

Seems like only yesterday
we were stumbling our way

through our first Miles mission.

Ah, so many good ones, you know.

I liked the planting-his-DNA-
on-a-dead-body one.

I still walk the Maumee River every morning

- looking for a floater.
- Ah, do ya?

I certainly enjoyed our online love affair.

He still thinks I'm a
32-year-old named Linda.

Colin, will you go to the
Sadie Hawkins dance with me?

- Uh-huh.
- Ya pranked!

You really think that a drummer

would go to a dance with a woodwind?

Wow. Man, they must have
rehearsed the crap out of that.

Now who's the chick with
the strong sense of self?

- Her name's Dallas.
- She's the worst.

- The whole drum corps is.
- One time I yawned,

and they threw my mashed
potatoes in my mouth.

Now wait a second. Are you guys saying that

the drum corps are the cool kids?

- 'Cause that's nuts.
- Well, they're above us

on the hierarchy.

The newspaper kids are above them.

I'm not really sure who's at the top,

but I'd like to think it's
some kind of sex-having athlete.

No, no, no, no, no, look. Forget the whole

food chain/hierarchy thing, okay.

Have you guys absorbed nothing

from all the missions that we've done?

There's no
greater pick-me-up

than taking down somebody
who's wronged you.

But, Mr. Griffin...

She has a nose ring.

Forget the nose ring.

Don't be intimidated by that.

That's exactly what she wants.

Now we're gonna get
revenge on the drum corps.

That's what we're gonna do. Yeah.

I'm gonna pull you guys off
the bottom of that food chain.

Technically, we're above the Russian kids.

Not for long. They're acclimating fast.

Commies.

This is a going away video for Jack.

Oh.

Jack, I've never had the opportunity

to say this to
you face-to-face,

but your penis is clearly visible

through your sweatpants.
Okay, have fun in Hollywood.

Wait, what was that?

Rewind. Freeze it.

There. Do you see that?

- Mm-mm.
- Zoom in.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

- Is that a ghost?
- Zoom in.

Ooh.

- No.
- Mm-mm.

That's crazy, right?

We all agree that ghosts aren't real.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Let's just get back to editing.
- Yeah, okay.

Ah.

Well, good morning, beautiful songbird.

You sound just like the loon
that visited our lake house.

- Oh, yeah?
- He died last summer.

We're pretty sure that
a power line got him.

We found, like, a basket of ribs.

- Like, a charred...
- Helen, Helen, Helen, I...

So, get this. I'm finally leaving Toledo.

- Yeah, I'm free.
- What?

You've only been here three little months.

- Yeah, I know. I know.
- Aww.

I once took a nap longer than that.

Of course, I had just
slammed into the straight side

- of a water ski ramp.
- Uh-huh.

My eyes were open and I
was talking, but I was dead.

As I was saying, um, yeah, I'm out of here.

I'm gonna go head the
Stanford philosophy department.

- Hey, not too shabby, huh?
- I know.

Yeah.

I'd say you're going to greener pastures,

but California is on fire.

- Okay.
- Hey, when you leave,

could I please have that
big, fancy professor throne?

- Professor thro...
- Oh, my massage chair?

- Yes.
- Yeah, sure. Why not?

Yeah, you could... you
could really stand to relax.

Oh, thank you.

- Ah.
- Hi, Ralph.

At first, I couldn't
believe you were leaving.

You know, and then I...

took a sharp turn to anger.

Oh, did you punch a hole in the wall?

Oh, tha... no,

I thought it'd be cool
to have an office hammock.

Then I found out the hard way that

drywall does not support a human body.

- Mm.
- But now I've moved on

to the third stage of grief;

bargaining. Jack, I can offer you

two parking spaces.

Now, granted, they're not adjacent.

- Let's see.
- Six-figure salary

or a second floating parking spot.

Okay, I get it, Jack. All right?

I want what's best for you too.

Look, could you at least impart some

words of Ivy League wisdom

to the students at the hit '90s movie

Congo-themed dance this Friday?

Yes... That I can do.

Yeah. Maybe I'll teach 'em
about deterministic living.

Yeah. Or maybe just, uh...

teach 'em about deodorant.

Ralph, the cash for
gold guy is on line three.

Did you already take my chair, Helen?

Oh, I did. Oh, it's so comfortable.

It's like my hind end is
smiling from ear to ear.

All right, everybody, what have we got

for revenge against Dallas?

We could adjust her metronome

so she drums slightly off tempo.

Hmm. That seems like your second

bad idea of the day there, Colin.

No, come on, guys. We need to go bigger.

Did you ever see the movie "Carrie"?

We could stuff the ballot
box so Dallas is voted queen.

And then when she's on
stage getting crowned,

we can humiliate her by covering her...

In pig's blood.

Yeah. Yeah. Whoo.

Anybody else just get goose bumps?

Yeah.

Where will we get pig's blood?

My dad's butcher shop.
We have troughs of it.

Let's do it.

Oh, you know what, guys, keep it going.

I gotta take this call. It's Stanford.

Man, it feels good to say that.

Mm.

- Miles.
- Jack, Jack.

You'll never guess who I'm with.

Dean Richardson, hi. Love that tie.

- I'm digging it.
- Well, thank you, Jack.

This shade of red is
Stanford Cardinal.

This guy.

Aw, fun, fun.

Well, Jack, I'm on my way
out, but we are really

looking forward to
having your with us.

You are gonna love having him.

Jack and I are like the same soul

- in two separate bodies.
- Yeah.

Well, Jack, I'm off.

Hey.

Jack, between you and I,

Stanford are really scrutinizing

their faculty's
behavior at the moment.

Turns out one of the
English professors

has been using his faculty website

- to sell ecstasy.
- Wow.

Seems like that's what the dean was on.

Yeah.

But, seriously, keep your nose clean

for the next couple
of days, all right,

you saucy little mongoose.

Will do, you... You fuzzy old, uh...

- Go on. Do... what was it.
- Nope.

I'm not gonna do this.

Yo, you want to hear

- what we've got so far?
- So we'll all go to the dance

- as a group-
- Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Nope. No mas. No mas. Yeah.

Turns out my Stanford job
is on the line here, guys.

So as much as it kills me to say this,

I cannot douse a teenage girl in blood.

I'm gonna be over here picking
out my California bang pad,

so it's time for you guys to nut up

and do this on your own.

All right? Let's see here.

Bang pad.

Bang pads.

Oh, nope, nope, nope.
That's not a good website.

Okay, so what should we use

as background music for Jack's video?

My vote is the "What a man, what a man,

"what a man, what a man,
what a mighty good man" song.

Michelle, that's too many "what a mans."

I can't help it. I'm rattled.

All I can think about is that ghost.

There has to be a easy explanation for it.

- It was a glare.
- Yeah, plus ghosts only haunt

places that they've died,

and no one's ever died at Whitlock, so...

Unless you count Beehive Beverly

who died of a headfire.

A headfire?

Oh, it's Whitlock legend.

It was 1964

and our Home Ec teacher,

Beverly Sills, was a real tomboy.

Now, that didn't set well
with Principal Thorson.

So he made her put her
hair up into a beehive.

And one fateful day,

she was pulling out zucchini
muffins from the oven

and her beehive caught on fire

and flash-melted down to the scalp.

- Oh.
- Some people say that

she still roams these halls...

Cursed to always wear a beehive.

Ha!

So we'll rig the buckets of blood

the day before in the gym.

We'll get in there by crawling
through the duct system.

- This plan sucks.
- Your attitude sucks.

Okay, dude, stop fighting.
We need to figure out

- how to get into the gym.
- The duct system!

Okay, guys, guys, guys. I'm
not getting involved here.

I'm just letting you
know that every teacher

keeps a master key in their top drawer,

so steal it from them
when they're not looking.

Bingo.

Dudes, like, seriously, disperse.

All right? Y'all looking shady as hell.

Well done, ladies.

Oh, God.

Durbs, put a bell on that collar.

Ooh, my hiccups are gone.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry to scare you,

but how great is this? I mean, it's...

This is like really being
in the movie "Congo."

Durbadook, we have an issue.

- Whitlock is haunted.
- It's Beehive Beverly.

Guys, there's no such
thing as Beehive Beverly.

So there's no Beehive...

Let's...

Let's not say her name a third time though.

You know, just in case.

Silly. It's...

Whoa, we are definitely not
gonna get the deposits back

on these gorilla suits.

This one smells like egg salad.

Oh, boy. Hello, everyone.

The king and queen of the
Sadie Hawkins "Congo" Dance

inspired by the movie

based on the book by Michael Crichton...

the winners are:

Dallas Chaffee and Joshua McLees.

Get your butts up here.

Good job.

Yes, congratulations, Dallas and Joshua!

Wow.

Why isn't it working?

- Pull harder.
- I'm trying.

It must be stuck.

Is everybody having fun
in the Lost City of Zinj?

? Amy love "Congo" movie ?

None of us get that.

We have not seen film. Get to point.

Wow, even the... Even the Russian kids.

You are acclimating quickly.
Well, without further ado,

I would like to introduce
our keynote speaker.

Please welcome my
ex-roomie, Mr. Jack Griffin.

All right, guys. Oh.

Okay. Hi.

I guess my message to you is pretty simple.

Um, you gotta get out of Toledo.

Just get the hell out
of here any way you can.

I got out using my good
looks and my wit and my charm,

but you guys don't have that,

so you'll have to come
up with something else.

Who are you?

You know, you could join a circus.

Yeah, that could be cool.

I know those gypsies tend
to hire, you know, their own,

but you could marry in.
Yeah, that's one way in.

Maybe you wouldn't even
have to work at the circus.

You could just, you
know... You'd make dinner

for when the gypsy comes home.
Just, you know, keep 'em happy.

Otherwise, they'll steal your baby.

It's been a lot of fun,

but I'm sure, sure glad to
be leaving this damn place.

Uh, okay. See ya.

Okay, uh, well...

gypsy's, I think, are an
unjustly maligned group.

They gave us the tambourine.

And if you ask me, Toledo
is a great place to live.

Jack, the ladies have put together

a little bon voyage surprise gift for you,

so take it away, ladies. All right.

Thank you, Durbs.

Oh, Harvard Jack, we're gonna miss you.

We made you this hella
tight good-bye video,

but we just wanted to give
the audience a quick warning.

If you see something behind Coach,

- it's definitely not a ghost.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, actually, 90% sure it's not a ghost

because there is no such thing.

Uh, probably not.

Definitely not...

Because they're probably not real.

Definitely. The only thing we know is,

we don't know what we don't know.

It's most likely nothing...

Miles, my main man, how's it going?

Hey, mate, I wish I could say tip -top...

lollipop,

but it's far from that. I'm screwed.

I'm still waiting for
all the details, but

during the faculty sweep,

Stanford traced the IP address

of my cyber sweetie Linda...

to a high school.

Turns out, I've been speaking
to a 16-year-old online.

And I've gotta go on Oprah tomorrow

and try and explain all of that.

I'm done.

Wow, yeah, no that's bad. That's bad.

You know, what can I
say? You know, some people

make bad decisions
purely of their own accord

and, you know, they get punished.

No, sorry, Jack, you don't understand.

This is bad for you as well, I'm afraid.

I recommended you, so...

Stanford's revoking the offer.

I'm tainted,

and I've tainted you.

I've tainted you bad.

Stanford doesn't want you anymore.

When you see the thing behind Coach,

just know that you don't know what that is,

and it's probably nothing.

Because after all, if it was a ghost,

okay, I'm sure we would
have seen a sign by now.

Hell no!

Everybody stay calm!

Oh, God!

No, we're still trying
to figure out who did it.

No, I'm fine. It was just...

It was really scary.

Okay. Okay. Bye, Mom.

Jack, have a seat.

Uh, I am not a man who likes to beg,

but I'm really good at it,

and, uh, I am begging you.

Please, please, stay at Whitlock.

Okay, I can offer you the two

parking spaces from earlier,

a BOGO certificate to the school store,

and... uh...

a surge protector.

Okay.

I... sorry, that worked?

Sure, Ralph. I'll stay.

We're... yes!

Oh, my God, this totally makes up

for the literal bloodbath
that went down on my watch.

Come on.

Just one second.

But we were rid of you.

Nope.

The dean of Stanford found out about

our Miles-Catfish mission

and it came back to bite me in the ass,

so... it's over.

I'm stuck here.

Wow, it's almost Shakespearean.

You ruined yourself.

You know what might cheer you up?

A little revenge.

Maybe we could do a good
old fashion Miles mission?

Oh, yeah, I don't know if you saw,

but Miles' Oprah
interview went really well,

and he's about to get his
own show on her network.

Don't care.

I'll just pop one of these Advil PMs

and go to sleep.

Let's see if we can make today...

become tomorrow.

You said, "There's no greater pick me up

than taking down someone
who's wronged you,"

but now you're just gonna
sit there and do nothing?

Yep.

All right, what is one
quality that Miles has

that Mr. Griffin doesn't?

He's British.

Which means he can get deported.

And what's the number one
reason people get deported?

Exotic animal smuggling.

All we have to do is get
illegal exotic animals,

put them in his house, call the feds,

and, boom, he's deported.

- _
- _

Where would you get the animals?

Yo, my sketchy neighbor breeds snakes.

Yeah, he's always trying
to sell his python eggs.

Hmm.

You know...

guys, there could be something to this.

Give me that.

While we're on takedowns.

I'm putting that Stanford dean on the list.

Fricking hyena.

Oh, if we're making a list,

can we put my karate teacher on it?

- What?
- He laughed

when I fell doing my roundhouse kick.

Guy does sound sucky.

The dictator at CVS

won't let me buy more than seven lighters.

Sure, let's get him. He's toast.

Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup,
this should go without saying,

but, uh, we're back
to being a no-bio zone.

Why don't you go ahead and
toss that puppy in here, Sarika.

Let's go.

Yep. There we go.

Yeah.

All right, now we're cooking.

What else we got?

My grandpa insists on cutting my hair.

Oh, that's no good.

My dentist is making me get braces,

but I don't think I need them.

Keep 'em coming. Who else?

Coach Novak for making me do pushups.

The lunch lady with the beard.

Denzel Washington, but
also just to meet him.

- Denzel.
- The kid in the cafeteria

who keeps flicking my nipples.

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