Original subtitles

THREE MEN AND A CRADLE

I'll be back.

I've gotta run, but I've got a favor to ask you.

Whatever, but hurry. I'm really busy.

I have a problem. A valuable package is coming Sunday, but I won't be home.

- Can I have it delivered here? - Yeah, sure.

- Will somebody be here? - Yeah, Pierre and Michel.

I'm leaving for Japan tomorrow.

Will you tell them it'll arrive sometime on Sunday?

Tell them just to put it aside. Someone will pick it up on Thursday.

- Is that it? - I can trust you, right?

Don't worry.

You see, it's a bit tricky.

If it's here, I'll feel safer.

Don't worry. It's done.

Bye, now.

- Bye, and thanks. - Not at all.

My feet are killing me.

Tell me about it.

- That was neat, huh? - Yeah.

Where's Jacques?

He's necking with a brunette. Sophie, I think.

Sophie? No, Lili's her name.

Lili, or Sophie, she's got a nice ass.

Nicole wouldn't shove off. I couldn't get near Nathalie.

Jean-Marc's girl?

A great lay according to him.

- Any whiskey left? - I just put it away.

Sorry not to help, but I've got something going.

- Aren't you leaving tomorrow? - At dawn.

Forget that, the concierge will clean tomorrow.

I'm just doing the glasses.

Hey, up all night then jet lag in Japan. What a man.

That ass of hers. A real dish.

We were just talking about that.

Is it Lili or Sophie?

It's ""Clementine,'' my dears.

Did you score, Michel?

I've got 34 drawings to deliver in 10 days, and no nights till then.

But I'll catch up. You'd better hide Clementine's number.

I'll leave it by the door tomorrow morning.

I'll mark it with an ""X'' if she's worth it.

All right, guys. I won't wake you.

See you in three weeks.

Okay. Go ahead.

Quiet.

Wait a second. I forgot something.

Well...

Bye.

I'm awfully tired, Valerie.

Hey, Jacques!

- Hi, Paul. Where you off to? - Timbuktu.

Great.

Damn! I forgot to tell them about the package.

Valerie!

I've got to make a call. Tell them I'll be right there.

Sorry, Captain.

Coming through. I'll be right back.

Yeah, I got it.

Someone will drop off a package Sunday and pick it up Thursday.

No problem. We'll put it aside. And mum's the word.

I'm in a meeting. Bye.

Hey, give a kiss to the geishas for me.

I'm going for croissants. Three or four?

- What time is it? - 10:00. Get to work.

- But I was at it till 6:00. - You finish?

I didn't get anywhere.

Like I said: coffee, croissants and get to work. Three or four?

Six.

FOR JACQUES

What the hell is this?

You've got to be kidding.

Michel, come here!

- Come see what's on the doorstep! - What?

Quick.

Talk about a surprise.

What's that?

It's a basket with a baby and a letter in it.

""Jacques, here's the fruit of our passion. Take care of her.

I'll be in the States for six months. Her name's Marie. Good luck, Sylvia.

She's got a beauty spot on her right hip.''

A nice gift from Jacques to keep us amused.

- What we gonna do? - Give her back.

She says she went to the States.

We'll see about that. Got her number?

- Whose? - Sylvia's.

How should I? Never heard of the girl.

No number, no address? Don't you know her?

No way! If I had the number and address of all Jacques's girls,

- I'd be a full-time secretary! - What are we gonna do?

Look, she's waking up.

Look, she's laughing.

Now she's crying.

Oh, please. She can't start crying.

This is getting serious.

This is too much. What are we going to do?

Now she's really crying.

What's wrong with her?

- Maybe she's hungry. - What do we do?

- Maybe feed her. - With what?

Beats me.

I can't believe this!

What a bastard! ""A little package,'' he says.

""Just put it aside till next Thursday.'' Yeah, sure.

Call Jacques's mother.

How could she stop this racket from 500 miles away?

- At least for advice! - From a pain in the ass like her?

I can already hear the questions firing.

If she shows up with her suitcase, Jacques will never forgive us.

- I'll call my mother. - Please. Leave our mothers out of this.

I promised Jacques to keep it a secret. We'll handle this.

Let our mothers in, and we're stuck for 10 years.

Besides, if a woman stays here more than one night,

I'm out. We made a deal.

All right. Go ask the pharmacist.

Good idea. Damn! It's closed on Sundays.

- The 24-hour pharmacy. - I'll go.

- You take the baby. - Take the baby?

I've never held one. I'll drop it.

Okay, okay. Don't cry. I'll hold you.

What's the best brand?

It depends on your pediatrician's prescription.

The pediatrician, of course.

Give me the most popular.

All brands are popular. They're all good milk.

Okay.

Give me that one.

This one is formula milk.

- Is that bad? - No, it's very good.

What's the difference?

It's formula milk. This one's formula milk too.

- So there are several? - First age, or second?

- There are two ages? - How old is the baby?

Well, it's a baby.

A little baby.

Stop crying! Will you ever stop?

Go to sleep-

What the hell is that jerk doing?

Milking cows, or what?

Go to sleep And you'll have a treat

Mommy's upstairs making cakes

Daddy's downstairs making chocolate

Does she have her teeth yet? That would tell us her age.

I didn't look.

If she doesn't, she's probably younger than six months now.

- If she does - - She's older than six months.

Not at all.

She could have gotten her teeth at three or four months.

- Oh. - You need first-age milk.

And still, it depends on the brand.

For some brands, the first age goes up to three months.

- But for others - - How am I supposed to know?

- What's her weight? - Her weight.

Weigh her, and according to her weight -

Never mind. I'll take both ages and see about the teeth.

- Do you want bottles? - Bottles.

Regular or three-speed nipples?

You can shift speeds?

It's about time!

Hello. A package for you.

What have you got there? Oh, it's so cute.

Is it yours?

Hi, baby.

- Is it a boy? - Yes - No, a girl.

- What's the baby girl's name? - Marie.

Isn't that cute, Marie?

- I didn't know you had a baby. - No, it's not me - mine.

It's Pierre's?

It's Jacques's. I mean, it's not Jacques's either.

Someone lent her to us.

I mean, she's leaving Thursday.

- But where's her mommy? - Okay, I'll put her to bed.

You? But where's her mother?

She'll be back.

Here's an urgent package. Can I hold her?

What nice fat cheekies!

You can tell she's well-fed.

You're a chubby little thing.

Hey, she's soaked.

It's number two. Can I help change her?

Let me. I'm experienced.

Good-bye, Mrs. Rodriguez.

There, there. Don't cry.

Okay.

I'll come back to see her.

Okay, you do that. Bye.

What a leech. And that other clown, where is he?

Go on, cry.

For her you smile, but for me it's all pouting.

And who's been hauling you around for hours?

- How do you prepare a bottle? - Well.

First, you sterilize the bottles. Then -

How do you sterilize it?

Well, to sterilize a bottle...

What the hell were you doing? It's been hours!

I've had it. The brat's constantly crying.

You're a real asshole!

Hey, you've never talked to me like that.

What the hell were you doing, having breakfast?

I haven't even had time to make coffee!

Could you calm down for a second?

I didn't have a coffee. The pharmacy took an hour.

- Take the kid. I've got work to do. - I can't hold her and make a bottle.

And why should I hold her?

This is your business. You found the kid!

That takes it. You just made Bastard of the Year.

If I'm the one who found her,

it's because I was going out to get your breakfast.

There she goes again. Better feed her.

It isn't that easy.

- You have to see if she's got teeth first. - Why?

To get an idea of her age so you know what to feed her.

- We look on top or on the bottom? - I don't know.

Feel with your finger.

Nothing. She must be less than six months. I'll try first age.

- She's soaked. Get any diapers? - Damn it. I forgot that.

This time I'll go. It'll be much quicker.

Well, you have cloth diapers,

disposable diapers with or without elastic bands,

small, medium -

- Whatever absorbs the most. - Extra-absorb?

Damn, my pants.

Hell! She went.

Hand me the cotton.

- Don't let her go! - Take the cotton yourself, then.

- Hold her, for God's sake. - Hold her? She's hysterical, this kid.

- Get rid of the towel. - She'll soil the couch.

It's getting all over her. That shit sticks.

We need some kind of lotion to get it off.

- Aftershave? - You nuts?

Waste Saint-Laurent on this?

We'll put her diapers on anyway. Too bad.

- The tabs go in the front or back? - Got me.

Hold her under the arms. I'll try this way.

What the hell is this? It's much too big.

Not at all. The more absorbent, the better.

But how does this work?

- Would you hold her? - I'm getting tired.

I didn't close it enough.

- What about laying her down? - Try it.

Not there. It's full of crap.

What is this nonsense?

To think they bug us all day long with their TV ads.

Look, this stuff s worthless.

Stick it, it's got gaps.

Unstick it, it's a mess.

Let's start again.

Oh, hell. She's pissing!

The couch. What a wretch this kid is.

The second the diaper comes off, whamo!

It's your fault, too.

These diapers don't fit. You find them in the fat ladies' department?

A guaranteed flood with these. I care about my furniture.

I'll go get different ones. Meanwhile, you can clean up the couch.

Fat lady, yourself.

Mr. Jacques Duchemin. Yes, he's a flight attendant.

He's on a flight to Japan.

Yes, a very, very urgent message. A family problem.

He must call home immediately.

Yes. He's going to Thailand afterwards and won't be reachable for three weeks.

Thank you.

- Maybe she's hungry. - Already?

Hurry. She's famished.

- Done? - Coming.

God, wet again.

You can't leave me alone. I can't handle it.

- I'm seeing Nathalie. - You really stink! Me, do I go out?

I've been after her for two months.

Do that, and I'm out of here.

What a drag you are!

It was tonight or never!

I'm a drag. So what? To hell with him.

I've gotten into a real mess.

My partner just called.

I've got to work all night on a project for tomorrow.

Of course not. I'm not seeing anyone else.

I swear, Nathalie. I'm not lying.

Nicole? It's Pierre.

Listen, I'm ill.

Tell everybody that I won't be at the agency till Friday.

""Avoid pork, fish, game, duck. Wait before giving wine and coffee.

In order to avoid stress and fatigue, normal diet.''

Ah, ""Restricted Foods.''

I'm sorry, Mr. Porchat. I've got problems.

The drawings won't be ready before the end of next week.

No, not this week, next week.

I'm sorry. Really.

He didn't say what time?

He said Thursday. That's all.

But ""Thursday'' is vague. We could be waiting till 8:00.

I'll wait till midnight if that gets rid of her.

No more sleepless nights.

He could've called.

He must have gotten our message by now.

Believe me, when he calls, he's gonna get an earful.

Wallowing in Thai saunas while we're up shit creek.

I'll get him right back here. Vacation's over.

Bottle time soon.

What a drag.

Jacques Duchemin's place?

- We've come for the package. - Some package.

You can tell Sylvia she's a bitch.

Yeah, Sylvia. Dumping on people like that.

- We got nothing to do with this mess. - What mess?

A baby mess. See what I mean?

It's fine to leave it here,

but Jacques is in Japan, and we had to deal with it.

Deal with what?

You could've left a number. We didn't even know what kind of milk.

Anyway, now you're here.

She's got a bottle in 45 minutes. It's ready in the basket.

There's a supply of diapers, lotions and everything.

But -

- But it's a real one. - We don't know her age,

but I use six measures of powder for three ounces of water.

It works fine.

Here's the box of milk, plus one extra.

Oh, I get it. Powdered milk.

Okay. Good luck.

Wait a sec. We'll take the basket and the milk, but not the -

- I mean, not what's inside. - What's inside?

You take the lot. It's a package deal.

You take it. Well, bye.

Where you taking her?

Where it's planned.

Don't you have a number, an address, so we know how she is?

I don't have it on me. I'll call you later. Bye.

- Good riddance. - To work, at last.

""Care of Jacques'' -

- Michel, what's this? - A package.

- Did you get this package? - Yeah, why?

- When did it come? - Don't shout.

- When did it arrive? - I don't know.

On Sunday. Mrs. Rodriguez brought it up.

- Oh, my God! - What?

You shithead. Why didn't you tell me?

This is the package they came for, not the kid, you moron!

Who's a moron? What package? What kid?

Look out the window. I'll run after them.

Holy hell. Holy smoke. Holy shit.

- Where? - There. With the bike.

Wait. Wait.

I'm glad I caught you. It's a complete mistake.

You must give me the basket. It was the wrong package.

Shut up. There's a cop.

If you squeal on us, I'll blow your brains out.

Gentlemen.

What are you doing with that?

Do you intend to ride with a cradle on your bike?

Of course not.

Then why were you attaching it?

They were just watching it for me while I bought some cigarettes.

Oh, yeah? Registration papers, please.

Give him the papers.

- Shit. I left them at home. - You did?

We'll see about that at the station.

It's bottle time. I've got to go.

Hold it!

- Your papers, please. - Why me? What did I do?

Your papers.

I don't have them. I just went out for cigarettes.

- To the station with you too. - Let's be serious.

I can't take my passport, voting card, rent book whenever I go out for cigarettes.

Anyway, I have to give her a bottle in 15 minutes.

I can't go to the station now.

Stop! Stop!

Okay.

Let's get to the bottom of this. I asked for your papers.

I have a bottle to give. I live next door.

Then I'll follow you.

Can't fool me.

- Which way? - That way.

- So you don't know them? - I said no.

But you give them your baby to watch.

Just so I can go buy cigarettes.

You go buy cigarettes,

and they tie the basket to their bike with a bungee?

Can you go prepare the bottle? She's hungry.

- Who's he? - He's my roommate.

I see.

No, three of us live together here.

Better yet.

Excuse me, please. I'll go get the bottle.

We're in real trouble.

See this package? It's dope.

That's what those guys came for.

If that cop finds it here, we're in for 15 years.

So hide it wherever you want, but it's got to disappear.

But not completely.

They'll be back for the damn thing.

And then it's our lives for their junk.

Let's stick together, Michel. We're in deep.

I picked it up.

It's a collect call from Bangkok, Thailand.

You taking it?

I accept.

Jacques? It's Pierre.

Yes, we left a message.

No, no. Nothing special.

We just wanted to hear from you.

Yes, the package came...

and went.

Why didn't you call earlier?

A what?

A hot deal? I see.

You're lucky.

I was saying you're lucky. You, at least.

Have a nice vacation.

See you in two weeks. Bye, now.

So, your friend is in Thailand.

He couldn't call before, because he's onto a hot deal.

And he asks if the package came.

Seems I'm also onto a hot deal!

You'll explain this to the chief.

Good morning. What is it?

Nothing. A misunderstanding.

- Did you give her the 5:30 bottle? - I just did.

- And changed her? - No, she's wet.

I'll do it.

He's a flight attendant. He often flies to Tokyo.

So why is he in Thailand?

- He spends vacations where he wants. - Finding hot deals.

He was talking about some girl. He's very into that.

In your opinion, why did your babysitters take off?

I told you I don't know them.

And who's your friend who just came in?

He's a cartoonist. We share the apartment.

- Whose child is it? - Jacques's.

We're watching her while her mother's in the States.

They're separated. I've told you this 10 times.

Okay, honey bun.

Let's go take a big nap.

- A Martini? - No, thanks.

Don't leave Paris in the next few days.

- See you soon. - Please.

Come back when you want. You'll always be welcome.

We have no particular plans to leave Paris.

Good-bye.

We're screwed. They'll be on our asses. Where's the package?

- Stowed away. Don't worry. - Where?

- This way it's right on hand. - You crazy?

It was right under the cop's nose. He never caught on.

I told them we're keeping her until Jacques comes back.

We're in for another 15 days!

And I'm scheduled to work today.

Don't let me down. I can postpone my job. But we'll split the work.

If you leave me alone with her and the cops, I'll crack.

Take a maternity leave.

Wait till we hear from the gang.

I have problems. I won't be in for two weeks.

Just problems.

Okay, put him on.

I can't explain. I'm in a mess, that's all.

Oh, damn.

Cool down. I'm coming, but only for an hour.

I have to go show them some drawings or they won't pay.

Right now?

I've got two hours before her next bottle.

Damn it! I've got to go out too.

- A contract's pending. - Go later.

In half an hour, everybody splits.

Same goes here, my boss leaves at 6:30.

I can't take this.

How did we get into such a jam?

What if we left her with Mrs. Rodriguez? She's gaga over her.

Brilliant. Let's bring her the basket.

Shit, the cops. They're already grilling her.

We can't serve the dope to them on a platter.

She's just had a bottle. She'll sleep. Let's leave her upstairs.

What can happen? She's like clockwork. She won't budge.

Sure. We'll be right back anyway.

Michel, are you -

NEXT TIME, WE TAKE HER

Yes, yes.

My darling.

Come in, sirs.

Search warrant.

Go right ahead, gentlemen. It's all there.

I see you've already had visitors.

But what is it you're looking for?

Probably the same thing as your visitors.

Didn't the concierge bring you a package last Sunday?

It was chocolate.

Let's get to work.

Would you mind if I look in the bed, please?

I'll search the basket, if you don't object.

Please do.

Thank you very much.

Pardon me.

Good day. We regret you didn't find anything.

Thanks. See you sometime, maybe. Have a safe trip home.

Don't be a wise guy.

We may find something sooner than you think.

We've got to watch it. They'll tail us.

I bet there are already two of them downstairs.

I'll watch from the window. Let's test it.

- I was right. - They're there for good.

We've got to play tight.

Did you like the new decor?

Watch out, the cops are on us. See you at the meat counter.

We never tried to cross you, moron, but we're being shadowed.

Between 3:00 and 5:00 at Monceau Park. I'll slip you the package.

But the cops will be there, too.

Think I'm that dumb?

You little jerk. I'll slip you the package. No risk.

I mean it! I love the kid. Get it, scum?

Monceau Park, between 3:00 and 5:00.

Shit! What an idiot!

What a jerk I am!

Are you off your rocker?

What kind of slob are you?

Is this the latest thing, dumping trash?

- A trash can in Monceau Park? - Yeah!

Get in.

- Me? - Yeah.

Get in!

Twits!

Only seven more days.

Four more days.

It's midnight. Only a day and a half to go.

It's tomorrow. Tomorrow, goddamn it.

Customs. This way, please.

Anybody home?

It's me.

You guys here?

I've got loads of presents for you!

Wake up!

Here you are -

What's that monster?

Here I am.

Presents for you.

What's with him?

What's wrong with you? Why the long faces?

What's with the brat?

That's not part of the deal.

Well, we'll talk when you stop sulking.

And what's that pigsty in my room?

Are you nuts?

Who the hell wrecked all my stuff?

Answer me, guys.

I paid for the furniture, too.

The room's a total wreck. I could demand reparations.

I already asked you about the brat. I don't want that around.

Women are already out, so family life, forget it.

Listen, pal. You sit down and open your ears up.

You'll soon change your tune.

What is this circus?

And stop talking to me like that, all right?

I'm talking like that because you're a pain!

You really screwed us. I tell you.

We don't want a kid either.

But when it's forced on you, you have to cope.

You should have kept your package to yourself.

The apartment's totaled. A fortune.

And we're exhausted. We've hardly slept in three weeks.

A bottle every three hours, two a night.

Plus cops around the clock. Real hide and seek.

And out of the blue, our hero calls, ""I'm in Bangkok.

I'm onto a hot deal. Did the package come?''

You bet it came! Two of them, even.

Michel couldn't deliver his drawings. He may lose five thousand.

I couldn't go to the agency for two weeks.

A real maternity leave. My partner screaming on the phone.

We had to juggle the cops, the dealers and the kid. What a schedule!

If Michel hadn't hidden the dope in the diaper, we'd be locked up!

We nearly freaked out pulling it over the cops.

And the day they ransack the place,

Pierre comes home, the cradle's gone, he finds it in the john!

Boy, was he in a state -

That's not the problem.

The problem is we've been drowning in bottles, diapers and shit

for three weeks, and we've had it!

What is this? Cops? Dope? And who broke in here?

And why two packages? And who dumped this kid on you?

And why didn't you go to work?

Why didn't we go to work?

Two days with the kid and you'll understand why, buddy.

But who is that damn kid, anyway?

Her name's Marie,

and I wouldn't bad-mouth her, because she's your daughter.

Can't waste our lives wiping a baby's ass. Even if it's your baby!

Paul?

I brought you back a present.

Can't wait to see you.

And their only solution was heroin Pampers! Clever, no?

What are you talking about, ""heroin Pampers''?

Maybe you don't know, but I've got a baby on my hands.

Thanks to your blunders. Call that being a pal?

Have you asked yourself what I'm supposed to do with a baby?

- Is that your idea of friendship? - Who's the damn baby, anyway?

I'm warning you,

don't insult her.

Damn baby yourself.

It's my daughter!

Don't bad-mouth her!

Say, Mom, I'm bringing you a little surprise.

If I tell, it's no surprise.

You'll see. I think it'll make you very happy.

The next four are ready. It'll last you till tomorrow.

- Tell her to let her sleep a lot. - I will.

If her bottom is red, tell her not to listen to the doctor's bullshit.

The only cure is a bottle of water instead of milk.

In three hours, it's fixed. A miracle, a bottom like marble.

Pierre says to wash her clothes with soap flakes.

Where she's going, you'll find soap flakes, no problem.

Rinse three times in hot water.

Three times.

To help her sleep, we sing two-part lullabies. It works.

But my mother lives alone.

She'll sing alone. But tell her that songs work.

- Okay. - There are three speeds on the nipples.

You've got to always use the slowest. Number one.

It's super, super important. The slowest, always.

Otherwise it flows too fast, and it's bad for her digest -

I'd better hurry. I'll miss my plane.

- Anyone here? - I am.

- And Jacques? - He went to Nice.

He comes and goes the same day. What nerve!

He took Marie to his mother.

- What an asshole! - Don't worry, I prepared four-

The guy's killing me!

- Why? - He could've called me, at least.

- Sad she's gone? - Absolutely not. What are you thinking?

I'm relieved. Good riddance.

- I prepared four bott - - That lunkhead could've said something.

Unbelievable.

There's such a thing as a phone.

Four bottles for the trip! I finally got it out.

God. Marie-Rose, look.

It seems I'm a grandmother.

Let me see.

God, is she cute.

- What's her name again? - Marie.

Almost like you, Marie-Rose.

God, to think I'm a grandmother.

You could've let me know earlier.

It's incredible. You never call, never write, never come to see me!

But I'm here now.

Did you see? She smiled at me.

Who's her mother? Won't you introduce me?

She went to the States for six months.

So who's taking care of the baby for you?

Well, I was actually thinking of you.

I thought maybe you'd like to have her till her mother's back.

Yes, of course.

But the fact is that I'm leaving in three days with Marie-Rose.

We're going on a cruise in the Caribbean and staying with her friends.

- Really? - See, it's a real chance.

A friend got us a cut-rate on the cruise.

When will you be back?

I don't know.

In three or four months.

Then I'll be in Bordeaux at friends'.

I can't take care of her.

You've got loads of friends.

The senior citizens card is great.

And I get bored here.

I'm so lonely.

Marie-Rose and I have so much fun.

Remember last year in Marrakesh?

God, we really pigged out.

My God!

See Marie, your granny's going on a fling in the Caribbean.

She'll bring you a big exotic toy.

You brought her back?

She's starving. Put the bottle on.

What happened? Did you have a fight?

- Damned senior citizens cards. - She refused?

She's leaving for the Caribbean for God knows how long.

Then to Bordeaux to stay with friends, then off again.

Has she got friends.

- The apple never falls far from the tree. - What do you mean?

You're not her son for nothing.

What's the idea running wild in the Caribbean at her age?

Old age doesn't exist anymore.

You have to come back. That's final.

I travel. I can't take care of her.

Yes, but you're her mother.

What proves I'm really her father?

The dates coincide.

That proves nothing.

So you know it?

I don't. So you come back and take her. Now!

Sylvia?

For heaven's sake!

The bitch hung up!

I could put those women in their place, believe me.

Don't you have her address?

No. She got my message through her agency and called from a hotel.

She's modeling all over the country.

Every week a new city. I'll never find her.

Especially now, she must've given them the word about me.

Good evening, sir. Mrs. Rapons, from the Second Mother Agency.

Please come in.

Right this way.

One moment.

Would it be possible for me to see her now?

- Who's that? - A woman.

Must be the nurse he found through the agency.

- She wants to see Marie. - She's sleeping.

Too bad, she's got to see her.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Don't go in my room. She's sleeping.

Mrs. Rapons is the nurse. She wants to see her.

Don't wake her up. It'll take me an hour to calm her down.

- She wants to see her. - I'll go explain.

Please, I'm begging you, don't go.

Don't bother. I'll go myself.

Let me talk to her.

Want to bet in 15 minutes she'll be slamming the door?

If you can't even understand

that you don't wake up a sleeping child, you're in the wrong profession.

Sir, let me remind you,

I never wanted to wake her, but only to see her.

Slight difference.

It's normal to see the child I'll be caring for night and day.

Night and day? You mean you'll be sleeping here?

Of course. A second mother is a second mother.

- Where will you sleep? - If you'd please show me to my room.

I don't know where Jacques wants to stick you. Maybe in his room.

But I'm warning you, the three of us really like to fuck!

That's your choice. I'd be sorry if you'd taken chastity vows.

It would be a shame at your age. My concern is children.

And as for screwing, I've got all I need at home.

With a couple of days off a month, I'll be just fine.

My only interest here is the child, and I can see she needs care.

- Can you? - It's quite clear listening to you, sir.

- Besides, you're not her father. - Now listen, Mrs. Parons -

- Ronpas. - Mrs. Rapons.

Rapons. That's what I said.

You can always tell who a child's mother is,

but who knows who the father is?

Get off my back!

Fine. I won't waste any more time arguing with you.

Show me the kitchen and bathroom, please.

- Why? - To prepare your shopping list.

You don't shop yourself?

No shopping, washing or cleaning. I'm a registered nurse.

- We don't need a thing. - Got enough fruits and vegetables?

We don't give her any of that. Only milk and cereal for now.

That's not enough.

At three months, you can begin a normal diet.

Bullshit, you can't feed a baby like an adult.

- How do you know? - I read books.

The diets doctors prescribe today are much too rich.

- I'm for alternative medicine, Mrs. Ponras. - Rapons.

For example, what do you do when they can't sleep?

I try to calm them down.

Sometimes, I give a sedative.

I knew it, you cretin!

I said there's no point to this!

I'm a nurse. I use the methods recommended by the greatest pediatricians.

Medicine is serious.

You know that song, ""Medicine's a whore. The pharmacist's her pimp''?

We probably don't appreciate the same music. I like opera myself.

Mrs. Romper, stay one more minute here, and I'll break your neck!

- This is my house. Get out! - Rapon!

I have unlimited patience with children,

but I'm not qualified to take care of lunatics.

Good day, and best regards.

I told you. Fifteen minutes exactly.

Listen guys, what do we do?

I tried everything, but nothing works.

I tried my mother, Sylvia. Pierre doesn't want a nurse.

No day care.

Mrs. Rodriguez has dropped us since the cops. Even for the cleaning.

Want me to take the kid away? Go to a social worker?

Here come the violins.

Really, what do you suggest?

What I say is her mother will be back in only four months.

Let's not waste energy looking for solutions.

We'll get organized. The three of us will take care of her.

- What's four months, anyway? - Get organized? How?

First, I'm always traveling.

Ask to be grounded for serious family obligations.

I chose the job for traveling. I won't stop traveling.

Then it's the social worker, not us. I've had it with four-hour nights.

Take it easy!

You'll ask to be temporarily grounded, and you'll -

And you'll do the 6:00 to 10:00 a.m. shift.

That's two bottles, two changes.

Plus the shopping after work.

Since I work at home, I'll take the 10:00 to 6:00 p.m. shift.

I'll stroll her in the park, but no more shopping, cleaning, cooking.

Pierre, you'll do the 6:00 to 10:00 p.m. shift.

Two bottles, two changes. You bathe her, supervise the diet, do the wash.

Gonna live like nuns.

And what if she wakes up at night?

I was sort of thinking of you.

I don't do nights. No way.

Needless to say me neither.

Bastards. I'm on the longest, eight hours straight! Nights are out!

Let her scream, but without me!

You're a crook.

We give you the easiest shift, the morning when she's all rosy.

We've been on nights for weeks, now you turn up your nose?

She's your daughter, after all.

Are you that horny?

Horny yourself.

I don't care. I won't ask to be grounded. Piss off!.

I don't need you.

I'll find a solution on my own.

HUMAN RESOURCES

- Hey, Jacques. - Hi.

- Anything wrong? - No, it's all right.

What were you doing seeing the boss?

I asked to be temporarily grounded.

- He said no? - He said yes. That's just it.

I'm off. She ate well. She's falling asleep.

She's crying. I'll go get her.

- Let her cry. She'll stop in two minutes. - Needs to burp.

The longer you carry her, the later she'll fall sleep.

Some advice. I know you leave her crying for hours, but I can't.

I never leave her crying for hours.

You always find some theory for not taking care of her.

What a schmuck.

- It's not your shift, so drop it. - Quiet. It's 10:00.

I'm on. Go to work.

I'll hold her for two minutes, and then put her back to bed.

Hi, Michel. I just came by for a file.

- Everything okay? -Just fine.

Well, I'm going.

The kid okay?

Fine.

We're in the water with the little mouse.

Look. How pretty.

Here you are, my darling.

You look at me. You smile at me.

How nice. Because you like your bath.

- Hell, she's crying. - Who?

Nothing. I'll be right back.

There you are.

- She's crying? - Whenever I put her down.

- Maybe she's thirsty. - No, she's teething.

- What do I do? - We bought a syrup.

Try to put her down. We'll sing.

By the pale moonlight My dear friend Pierrot

Lend a pen I pray thee I've a word to write

Guttered is my candle Burns my fire no more

For the love of heaven Open now the door

Pierrot cried in answer By the pale moonlight

In my bed I'm lying. late and chill the night

Yonder at my neighbor's Someone is astir

This guy's completely nuts.

Are you gonna sing all night?

Oh, a baby.

Sorry.

- Who's that hag? - Watch your tongue.

Does she have to shout?

I'm the one in charge. Give me a break.

Stop fighting, you two. She's sleeping.

As for your little ""father-knows-best'' act, I've had it.

Right. Same for me.

If you want to argue, let's meet in Pierre's room.

I'm not a punching bag!

I tell you. The day her Mother comes back, it'll be heaven.

Sorry to intrude, but I'm splitting.

I'm no wallflower. Bye.

Don't go.

Just a little argument. Here I go, back to bed.

Sorry, I don't feel like it anymore.

You're breaking my heart. When can I see you without a crowd?

You're the busy one. You cancel our dates.

Save room for the three-layer cake. It's from R. & M.

- Funny, I thought I heard a baby crying. - Really?

But it could've been the metro.

- Give her a drink? - He's filled my glass at least eight times.

No way, doesn't want any.

Sure I do! But I'm drunk!

- Tell me about Thailand. - It was wonderful.

Customs searched me for two hours in my shorts.

Excuse me.

The art world in turmoil.

The media interfere.

But where is Jacques?

What the fuck are they doing?

They're preparing dessert.

Come on back, guys!

It's boring without you!

I'll go get them.

- Try to put her in. - Hold your ears.

She must be teething.

We can't let her cry here alone, poor thing.

Watching the game, or what?

The guests. Let's bring her there.

Yes, we can't leave her like this.

- I told you I heard a baby. - What's that baby?

This is Marie, my daughter.

Your daughter. You so sure?

Congratulations.

- She's so cute. - She looks like you.

Don't cry, Marie.

There's too much noise here.

It's normal. She's teething.

Give her to me. I'll try.

If you sit down, it'll be worse.

- Have you had her for long? - A couple of months.

Who's her mother?

She's in the States. She'll be back soon.

Does she always cry like that?

She's just teething. Usually, she's adorable.

And what if you just put her to bed?

It's just a tantrum. Put her in bed.

I think little babies aren't very interesting.

Do you?

So do I. They only begin to get interesting around three.

Then you can teach them things, talk. Before that -

Before that, they sleep, eat, cry.

Conversations are limited.

I wish babies were the only ones with limited conversation.

Depends on what you call ""limited.''

Yeah. In the kingdom of the jerk, the cretins are one-eyed.

- What does that mean? - Nothing.

I'll leave you to your sophisticated discussions.

I'll take care of it.

I'll get the three-layer cake, okay?

Nurseries aren't my kick. See you.

- Which way you going? - Montparnasse. Want a drink at Select?

Can you drop me off at Vavin?

Hey, where's Clotilde?

Well, since they're all going.

Coming, darling?

Tell Pierre that the jerks are tired. Good night.

Bye. See you later.

- I don't know what got into him. - He was dreadful.

I may also be a jerk, but the fact is I'm tired.

Let's go. We'll talk to him on Monday.

Here's the wonder! Can you make some room on the -

Leaving?

We're worn out. We're splitting.

Where is everyone?

Pity for the cake, but we must go.

Sorry.

Never mind. Bye.

Can you make some room on the -

Clotilde's plastered. I'll see her home.

She's sleeping. We sang the -

- Where are they? - Gone. Can you make some room -

- Everyone? Why? - Don't know. They seemed mad.

- Could you make some - - Pierre, come see.

They're all gone.

Serves them right! A bunch of childless dipshits.

Say, can you make some room for the -

They can't stand kids.

I can't either, but that's no excuse. They're all pigs.

The hell with it!

And Nathalie says, ""It's a tantrum. Put her to bed.'' She's a head case.

Speak for yourself.

You shove your kid on us, chase our friends away.

Don't push it! My life is work, baby, no sleep, work.

You don't do nights.

Anyway, we're all working two full-time jobs.

I haven't gotten laid for six months.

I'm stuck in here all day long. Forget chasing ass.

At night, I'm too tired to go out.

When is your rotten Sylvia coming back?

She left six months and four days ago.

I'll give her the week. Then, I dump the kid.

I hope you really let her have it.

Don't worry, blood will flow.

We're nice guys, but we can't waste our lives wiping a baby's ass.

Damn!

Hi, I'm Sylvia, Marie's mother. I've come for her.

Oh, it's you.

Wait, I'll get Jacques.

Is Marie okay?

In great shape. She's been teething. It's a bit rough.

Can I see her?

Yes, she's here.

Hi, Marie darling.

Recognize mommy?

She's so changed, so beautiful.

I did it to hurt Jacques. I never imagined I'd miss her so.

Hurt Jacques, I see.

Is he here?

Is Jacques here?

I'll go get him.

Marie's leaving.

So, five bottles.

The small ones for water.

The brush.

- Do you have a blender? - A blender?

For bananas, carrots. She gets them now.

No, I don't.

Well, here's ours.

- Want me to take her? - I have to burp her.

Could you give these to Michel to pack with her clothes?

- Here are the bibs. - Thanks.

I put the woolens on the bottom and the diapers on the top.

- That's what you'll need first. - Okay.

You can come back for the cradle.

- Hand me the stroller. - What about the playpen?

Hand me the stroller.

- You really put us in a jam. - I'm sorry.

Really, it's been crazy for the last six months.

Sorry.

We can't waste our lives wiping a baby's ass.

I understand.

Now that you're taking her back, let's forget all that.

Have enough money?

Got anybody?

No, I don't want anyone. I live alone. I've got girlfriends.

Or guys who pass through. No more than one night.

Work comes first.

Okay.

It's all in. Except for Marie.

We'll put her in her stroller.

Look at that.

And now...

I'm going. Thanks again. Bye.

- That's taken care of. - For sure.

- I forgot to tell her about the porridge. - She'll get along on her own.

- Now the good life! - Sleeping late.

To hell with being grounded, off I go to Caracas.

I won't leave Nathalie alone till I get her into bed.

For me, it's Charlotte, Clotilde, Ghislaine, Patricia, Sylvie,

Gabriella, Renee.

One's even named Renee. There are so many.

I've got six months of sex to catch up on.

She forgot her squeaky giraffe.

We could get to know a little more about each other.

Know where you're going next?

The profile shot is the best.

Don't forget, the client wants the pictures by tomorrow.

- They're good, no? - Great. You're superb, sweetie.

- Need a ride? - No, I've got an appointment.

I forgot my bag. Don't wait. I'll go back.

- Bye. - See you soon.

Still there, darling?

Mommy's done. You were a super nice girl.

Okay. Let's go.

You know, it's because I've got to work.

You know what mommy's going to do?

Take off her high heels

and put on her good old shoes

and her good old jacket.

And now home, for a big din-din.

She takes off her shoes. It's kind of like Romeo and Juliet.

I was completely-

It's to die for!

The classes, the day...

words...

My feet are killing me.

What's this?

Here, a giraffe.

By the way, have you had any news from that kid you had?

Actually, I won't be able to.

Darn. With cream?

That's nice of you, but it's okay. You can eat it with your girlfriends.

I'm with a friend.

I've got something urgent to finish.

It'll take us all night, for sure.

Sorry.

I hope you're not angry.

We'll make it up. Kisses everywhere.

They still live here, the two guys with the baby?

The ones who had trouble with the police.

Oh, yes. They do.

I was on that case.

I quit the force, don't worry.

Did you see? I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Shall we go out for air?

I wanted to ask them.

It's been bothering me for a long time.

The dope was in the diaper, wasn't it?

- Yes. Why? - I feel better knowing it.

- Did you meet her? - Who?

The baby.

That was my daughter. How did you like her?

I didn't really look at her,

but I should have, I wouldn't have been fired.

If I could remake the world, if I were God,

I'd make Adam out of Eve's rib.

Not the other way around.

That's an idea. Why not?

Why?

Things would've been clearer.

No one would've made us believe that a being can come from our rib.

Because nothing comes from our rib.

Never.

Just out of our prick. And still...

it all remains to be done.

For sure.

Buildings, planes, cars, we know how to make them.

It's useful.

I've applied for a job as park ranger.

Maybe no one made us believe it.

Maybe we wanted to believe it.

But let's face it.

No one can come from our rib.

I was going up the hill

She was coming out of the woods

In her Sunday best

A white skirt and blouse

We walked under the boughs

The beautiful days are so short

She was all in white

The beautiful days are so short

Tomorrow, San Francisco.

Say hello to the Pacific for me.

I'm flying back the day after.

You'll be in a horrible mood.

-Jet lag ruins you now. - What do you mean ""now''?

Before, you didn't give a damn. Now, it gets to you.

- Before what? - How should I know?

Before, that's all.

It doesn't get to me at all.

No more jam?

I'm going to work.

- Are you eating here tonight? - No, I'm going to the flicks with...

- I forgot her name. - Your Indian?

No, she's Finnish.

But what's her name?

They have weird names. Mathilde, Magdeleine.

I don't remember. Ma-something.

Marie?

Nasty cold I got.

Looks like I'm crying all the time, but it's this damn flu.

I don't know what's gotten into me. Everything I draw stinks.

- Really? Why? - I don't know. I feel sluggish.

Me too.

Must be the weather.

All this rain.

Hi, is Sylvia here?

She'll be back in an hour or two.

Around midnight, she said.

Want to wait?

Why not?

Is Sylvia okay?

I don't know. I'm a medical student.

I babysit. I saw her for the first time this evening.

I won't wait for her, after all.

- Give this to her when she comes in. - Sure, I'll give it to her.

Shouldn't she be sleeping at this hour?

She cries when I put her to bed, so I let her stay up.

And pants?

Haven't you got any pants for her?

Pants? It's warm in here.

You want me to call them?

But you should let them know at least.

No. I'm not going. I've had it with traveling.

- Hurry. I'll call a taxi. You've got time. - You're not calling anyone.

They saw you in good shape yesterday. They won't have time to replace you.

You'll lose your job. How will you pay for the apartment?

I'll wash dishes. I'll find a one bedroom.

What happened?

I'm not going anymore. I'm fed up with their flights,

with women who have the same ass, with hotel rooms.

Duty free shops make me throw up.

I'd like to know what I'm living for.

Do you know what you're living for?

I cooked. Pierre will come home and cheer you up.

He's already home.

- I didn't hear him. - I did.

He's in his hole.

Come on.

It's steak, rare.

Coming, Pierre?

Dinner's on.

Is Jacques here?

I'm freaking out.

I can't handle it alone.

Jacques, for God's sake!

I only have a studio.

My schedule is crazy. I just did four days of posing.

I was saying I just did four days of posing. We'd finish at 3:00 a.m.

At 5:00, she'd wake up. Think how much sleep -

I know. After the 5:00 bottle comes the 8:00.

Without mentioning the cash for the babysitters.

And the babysitters leave the kid half-naked and up all night!

That was you, the flowers?

I could've killed the guy.

I can't handle it.

My parents are in Brittany. Anyway, we're at odds. They don't care.

- The kid needs to go to the park. - For sure.

You need the time every day. Hard to find.

I have to work. I like it and I need the money.

But to get a job, I need a sitter.

To pay the sitter, I need a job.

So I run all day, not sure I'm taking good care of her.

Yes, you are. Don't cry.

She looks great.

I'm gonna crack. I haven't slept in four days.

She must be teething, and I can't make it.

It's nothing at all. Some syrup will do.

She pulled that on us, too. We lost all our friends for one tooth.

Look at my face. How can I pose like this?

And what will I do if they don't want me?

You look great.Just sleep. At your age, it can all be fixed.

Sure, sleep. But when?

Well, leave the kid with us a few days and go recover.

We're experienced. For us, it's nothing.

Can I really leave her with you?

Of course you can. Come back when you want.Just rest.

I brought her things for a couple of days.

- Isn't she hungry? - Yes, it's time for her bottle.

It's in her bag.

I'll heat some water.

I'll make her bed.

Hey, guys! Come see!

Come look! Here!