Original subtitles

Who was that on the phone?

It was some guy from the community center.

He wants to get some coaches for the kids' soccer league.

- Are you going to do it? - Maybe next year.

If things calm down at work a little.

That's what you said last year.

You want to rub some lotion on my back?

Maybe later.

I don't want to get all these papers greasy.

Alan, we have to be consistent.

"Successive approximations to the goal." Remember?

God, that language just turns me on.

If you don't want to do it, you don't have to.

I do want to do it. It's just that book.

It zaps all the spontaneity out of it.

The point is to get the spontaneity back.

Obviously, we're not there yet.

Look...

I want this as much as you do.

I want to get things back.

No... I don't want to get things back...

I want to make it better, better than it's ever been.

So...

Let's get to work.

Excuse me, where did you get that?

This guy I work with at the museum gave it to me.

We haven't gotten stoned since college.

Um-hm...

And it was the best sex we ever had.

- What about the kids? - They're sound asleep.

- ( telephone rings ) - Don't answer that.

( ringing )

It might be my morning meeting.

Hello?

Sure, hold on.

It's for you. Want me to take a message?

I better see who it is.

Here she is.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Oh, no, that's okay.

Yeah, I have the keys, why?

Man: Marnie, you know, we're sure going to miss you.

- Here you go. - So, Alan...

Marnie and I were just calculating your chances

of beating me out of this V.P. slot.

What do you think? Slim or none?

Well, with your warmth and charm... none.

Yeah. Not to mention the quarter I just had.

Bottom line says it all, pal.

Well, excuse me.

Gee, I'm going to miss Neil.

I really will miss you.

That's not exactly what I meant.

I mean... if you got the wrong impression.

Listen...

Wendy and I have been married for 12 years.

And you've been flirting with me all week.

That's not it, exactly. I find you very...

( sighs ) ...attractive.

So...

do you want to come home with me?

( woman moaning )

Hey, wake up.

You're home. What time is it?

It's late.

Listen, we need to talk.

What's wrong?

I lied to you.

There was no business dinner.

You remember that temp I was telling you about? Marnie?

- Verna's replacement? - I was at her apartment tonight.

Just tell me.

It was like I was someone else.

She kissed me,

we kissed.

It was wonderful. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't.

Then it all just hit me...

it was like you, and Brooke,

and Daniel, and the house...

and our whole lives together...

it was like you were all in the room with me,

and you made me realize what I was doing.

I left.

I've just been driving around.

Look, my point is...

our marriage means more to me than I ever thought.

It's everything...

and we've got to do something. Anything.

We've got to fix it.

I don't want to lose you,

and I don't want to lose the kids.

I couldn't handle that.

You're not alone in this, you know.

What do you mean?

Remember the pancake house,

where we used to take the kids last summer?

The waiter there, Ryan.

Sandy hair, mid-20's?

You had an affair with him?

No...

but I thought about it...

a lot.

Whenever I made love with you,

I fantasized about him.

Really?

Both times?

It's not funny, Alan.

I know.

I know.

I started going for lunch alone there,

because I wanted him all to myself.

That's not the way it should be.

I don't want parts of my life that I can't share with you.

Wendy: You think the car will be okay down here?

Alan: It'll be fine. Don't worry.

We have not been down here in so long.

We've got time to kill before we pick up the kids from school.

I thought it would be fun.

We should find a thrift store and buy the kids a costume.

Ah, what luck! Costumes.

Yeah. It's not exactly what I had in mind.

Come on. Take a chance. Live dangerously.

Honey?

So what? She hasn't had two kids.

What do you suppose this is?

The super V-19 auto flagellator,

guaranteed to give you years and years

- of erotic pleasure! - ( Wendy shrieks )

Let's go.

Thank you.

What did you buy?

A swingers magazine? Are you kidding?

What? They're normal people. They're non-pros, like us.

Oh, can you imagine soliciting total strangers?

You're right. I'll take it back.

Uh, wait.

Couldn't hurt to look.

( school bell rings )

( school bell rings )

Come on, Daniel. Come on.

You know that thing we were talking about? You did hide it?

- I did, don't worry. - Is it my birthday present?

You know... I wasn't serious.

I have to admit, though, it is an intriguing thought.

Because it's my birthday in two weeks, you know.

Oh, is that a fact? I completely forgot.

( chuckles )

( giggling )

Alan: Come on, we're down to the T's,

we don't have a single prospect here.

Keep going.

The Travises.

Bill's always undressing you mentally on the tennis court.

I like them too much, I don't want to risk their friendship.

You want to do it with people we hate?

How could I possibly face her at work the next day?

Easy, you just say, "Hi, Becky.

You were incredible last night."

( laughing ) Keep going.

Okay... nope.

Oh, the Wakefields!

( both laughing )

You're kidding. That's everybody?

That's everybody.

I had the good sense to leave out family members.

And of course, the Bradleys, with Neil's winning personality.

You two compete in enough areas... enough already. Enough.

Well, that's it then.

We don't know a single person we can do it with.

And it's too scary calling up strangers.

Still...

it was fun fantasizing.

( giggles )

You know,

we could make up our own ad. Hmm?

We could be in total control. We can get a P.O. box,

and we can screen all the mail...

You can't be serious.

I could be... If you are.

No, no, we're not using a picture in this ad.

Yeah, but we'll need one eventually.

This one.

Couldn't you at least find one without the kids?

- We'll just cut them out. - Just like that?

Just like that.

How about this?

"Curious but yellow? So are we.

Happy but restless suburbanites..."

"...suburbanites seek twin sparks

to rekindle flame."

"Dirty minds, meticulously clean bodies.

Expect the same of you, or no go."

- What do you think? - They sound perfect.

- You check on the kids? - They're fine.

They're still doing homework. Anything interesting yet?

These are the rejects.

What is this?

"This is my rubber butt-plug."

That killed it for me, too.

What about these two? They're gorgeous!

They are. They're both men.

Jesus.

Oh, this is cute.

"Sorry about the out-of-season's greetings,

but we're fresh out of centerfolds.

You two sound just wonderful!

Send us a picture, give us a call.

Let's explore the possibilities.

Love and kisses, Jack and Louise."

Keeper.

Bam.

( touch tones )

( phone rings )

- Man: Hi, who's calling? - Hi, this is Alan.

- This is Alan. - This is Jack.

This is Jack. ( chuckles )

Hi, look, I'm not sure if we're supposed to use last names.

Whatever you feel comfortable with, Al.

Did you get the picture?

Jack: Yes, we did. And to be perfectly honest,

I haven't seen Louise this excited in a long time.

It's a good thing I'm not the jealous type.

Listen, Wendy and I,

we've never done anything like this before.

- I assume you have. - Jack: Hmm, just a few times.

Would tomorrow night be okay for you?

Tomorrow?

Neil Bradley's already made his presentation.

The client is looking at his watch.

- I'm talking to a client. - Is that Paul McGrew?

No.

How do you ever find anything in this mess?

Jack: So who's Neil Bradley?

Some prick I work with.

Uh-huh. And who's Paul McGrew?

Are you writing a book?

Hey, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get to know you better.

He owns a large hotel chain.

I'm a sales manager, western division,

- for a food service company. - Really? I'm in sales, too...

high-end audio and video stuff,

and my wife does a little modeling.

Really?

My wife works for a children's museum, part time.

And we have two kids.

Jack: Great.

Listen, there's a place downtown called the Zebra Lounge.

Let's meet there tomorrow night, say 8:00?

- No strings attached? - Okay.

Jack: Okay. 'Bye.

I've been down in such a dark place

I've been a phony and a fool

Just to please everybody who said that they loved me

And I spat out the food that I was too afraid to swallow

I've been locked up in this attic

This jealous lover of a brain

And I've tried so hard to get a little sunshine

Yes, I tried so hard to break this cycle of pain... pain

Get into it, baby...

Alan, Wendy, I'm Jack.

This is my wife, Louise, the most beautiful woman in the world.

- Louise: Hello. - Jack: Hi.

Make yourselves comfortable

and Jack will order us some drinks.

Tina, Louise and I will have the usual,

- and for you...? - a White Label, please.

Let me guess... On the rocks.

Yes.

- The same. - Jack: Thank you.

I'm so glad you decided to get together with us.

We haven't decided...

anything yet.

You know, your ad was the first one

that we'd answered in several months.

I guess Louise and I are getting a little more discriminating.

Alan: I suppose we should be flattered.

I don't know, I figured I'd put that out there.

It might be a bit more comforting.

It's lucky you found us first.

We are your first, right?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Most definitely.

You know what I've learned from Louise?

If you just relax and let yourself go,

you can really have a lot offun.

Wendy: It's just that we've never

done anything like this before.

Nothing's going to happen that you don't want to.

Oh.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Jack: Okay...

a toast... to...

( all chuckle )

...get into it, baby

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Get into it!

And do whatever you can...

Would you... Excuse us a minute?

Are we crazy?

I think they're pretty normal, considering.

- Do you like him? - I don't know.

I mean, he's charming.

Kind of intriguing.

Excuse me.

How do you feel about her?

She's nice, attractive, very sexy.

Yeah, she is very sexy.

I like his eyes.

Well, it was nice meeting you two,

but we're going to pass.

Louise: Oh, I'm so disappointed.

No, that's okay, if that's your choice.

But we were having such a nice talk.

Would you just... Please, come finish your drinks?

Sure.

You know, baby, I wish it would have been

that easy for us to fix our little flame problem.

You're not having affairs yet, are you?

No, no... not quite.

It's problems like that in a marriage that are difficult to solve.

Have you guys read any self-help books,

- or done any counseling? - We haven't had much luck with them.

Look, we really appreciate your concern, but...

well, we're just not ready for this.

You know, Alan...

Sometimes it's not such a good idea

to wait until you feel like you're ready.

I know for Louise and I,

it felt like we were running out of time.

You know...

If we were to do this...

how's it going to work? How would it work?

- Hypothetically. - Of course.

Our house is out of the question, with the kids and all.

Ours, too. We have the painters coming in.

Why don't you guys leave it up to us?

Hypothetically.

Yeah. How does this sound:

"Whatever we do, we do it together;

when one of us wants to stop, we both stop,

no questions asked;

and we'll never do anything that might hurt the kids."

Couldn't have put it better myself.

You want me to sign it?

No, your word's good enough for me.

Look, if this doesn't feel right,

we'll just cut it short and come home.

Right.

Do you think we're dressed right?

I don't know. I never dressed for an orgy before.

Wow, mom, you look beautiful!

- Thank you. - You too, Daddy.

- Thanks. It works for them. - Okay, listen, you guys,

I want you to do everything Nancy asks you to do, okay?

I promise there will be something in it for you.

- ( car horn honking ) - Love you.

Wow!

That's the biggest car I've ever seen!

Hi!

- Child: Who are those people? - Just some friends.

We'd better hurry before they bring out the whole neighborhood.

See you.

'Bye Mommy, 'Bye Daddy.

Wow.

Glass of champagne to the first person

who can guess what Louise is doing to me right now.

( laughs ) Kidding.

Alan: We didn't think you'd go to such an expense.

No trouble at all.

A friend of mine owns the car.

How's the painting going?

What's that?

You said you were getting your house painted?

Oh, no, we just say that.

Jack and I like to keep our home private.

I wish we'd thought of that.

Why? You guys aren't in a hurry to get home, are you?

Our sitter can stay the night.

- If we ask her to. - Right.

Perfect.

So, Al... is it all right if I call you Al?

- Excuse me? - Forget it.

Would you like to trade seats with me?

Because although...

Louise and I...

don't look like it...

we're sitting here feeling a little like a senate subcommittee.

You know what I mean?

- That all right? - Sure. Yeah?

- So, how do we look? - Fabulous.

I would say you're the second sexiest couple in the car.

( Alan laughs )

You look like you had a tough day at the office.

Actually, I did.

Wendy: Alan's up for a vice presidency,

and he's got some pretty tough competition.

Oh, yes, Neil Bradley. Little prick.

A little tense?

- You don't like champagne? - No, it's the bubbles.

- Honey? - Yes?

Can we get Wendy some White Label?

- Louise: Sure. - Alan: Here, let me.

A dilemma. I need another hand.

Here, I'll take this.

Jack: A toast.

- Let's have some fun. - Alan: To fun.

Come, let me show you the view.

Don't worry, she's in good hands.

- What did we get him? - Hey, no, no. It's already...

- ( phone ringing ) - It's half wrapped. I can't...

No. Great. Yeah, come on.

Recording: Hi, you have reached the Barnets.

Please leave a message after the beep.

- ( machine beeps ) - Hey, it's Jack here.

Where have you two been hiding?

Louise and I would love to see you two again.

Didn't you return their last call?

No, I never got around to it.

You're not trying to string them along, are you?

No, I'm just not comfortable

with discussing it, that's all.

Tell them that we had a really good time,

and we appreciate their concern,

but we don't need them anymore.

They'd take it too personally.

Then just tell them that it doesn't fit into our lifestyle.

I'm sure they can understand that.

Okay, I can do that. I'll call him.

- Good. - Okay.

What?

They were incredible though, weren't they?

Yeah, they were... But so are we.

Children: One... Two...

Three... Blow!

( cheering )

Are you about finished with that thing?

- The ice cream's melting. - How come you scooped it out so soon?

- Wendy asked me to. - Mom, let's cut this cake.

Jack: Hello, everybody. Sorry we're late.

Louise: Oh, what a great place to have a party.

Jack, Louise.

Everybody, this is Jack and Louise... Hi.

Friends, and this is Wendy's mom...

Louise: Oh.

- Hey, Jack. - Ken.

Nice to meet you.

And this must be the birthday boy.

Is it for me?

No, no. It's for me.

"Happy Birthday, Daniel,

from Aunt Louise and Uncle Jack."

Yeah, buddy, you have fun with that.

Why are they saying they're our aunt and uncle?

They're just trying to be friendly. Be polite, okay?

So, is anybody going to give us some cake?

Of course! Yes. Have some cake.

Louise: Do you have a smaller piece?

Thanks. I need a fork...

Maybe a napkin?

- Would you like to have some? - We'll get our own.

Who wants to see Uncle Jackjuggle?

Children: Me!

- You're doing great, honey. - Thank you, baby.

You know, Alan, if I hadn't called your secretary,

I never would have known about this party.

- Ta-da! - ( children cheer )

Everybody loves Jack. Don't you find him attractive?

Because I find your husband, Ken, very good-looking.

Ken, get the kids. It's time to go.

One hand... Huh?

'Bye. Sorry. Okay.

Wendy: I could kill your secretary.

Alan: You were the one that asked her to give out directions.

Yes... to invited guests.

What was she supposed to do, interrogate every caller?

Brooke: I got a present, too. From Aunt Louise.

It's my un-birthday present!

A bracelet?

It's nice, honey.

It's really nice.

Alan: Yeah, I know.

I'll call you on Tuesday. Yeah.

Congratulations.

What for?

We're finally getting our shot with Paul McGrew.

No kidding?

All my faxes and nuisance calls must have paid off.

Apparently so. His office called.

He wants to play tennis this afternoon.

We've got a court for 1:00.

Alan, this is our big chance.

When he gets here, you introduce us,

- I'll take it from there. - That's going to be hard,

I don't even know what he looks like.

- I've never met him before. - That must be him right there.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- No. - Alan, good to see you.

And you... must be the big boss.

But you said you didn't know what he looks like.

I don't know what he looks like. That's somebody else.

A friend, sort of.

Hey, fellows. I'm Jack Bauer.

- Adam Frazier. - Good to see you, Adam.

- Hey, Alan. - Jack.

I think our fourth's running a little late.

- Excuse me? - Paul McGrew.

- That's why you're here, isn't it? - Yes, but...

- Jack! Buddy. - Hey, Paul.

- How are you? Good to see you. - Hi, Paul McGrew.

- Adam Frazier. - Alan Barnet.

Finally.

Jack here tells me you're going to make me an offer I can't refuse.

- We're gonna try. - If it's as good as the deal he cut me,

we're going to be in business.

Let's get to it.

Jack: So...

Paul's company commissioned my company

to do his whole chain...

monitors, speakers, everything.

Big screen TV's, wireless speakers in all the bars.

It is going to be sensational.

Now don't hurt him, Alan.

- Get you next time, Bauer. - Any time, Paul. Thank you.

- Good game. - Take it easy, Paul.

See you at the office.

Adam: I enjoyed that. I've got to do that more often.

He likes you already. I can tell.

- How did you do this? - It was easy.

I just closed him with a great deal.

- Just like that? - It's all in the technique.

F.P.Q.S.

What?

"Friendly... Persistent...

Questioning... Stare."

You know when you get to that critical moment

- in a transaction? - Right.

This is what I do...

Is that good or what?

You didn't tell him about... us?

Of course not. This is business, buddy.

Come on, let's play.

Jack could sell circles around me.

Wendy: What did he do it for?

A commission, a finder's fee?

To get what he wants.

Which is...?

Us.

Alan, I thought we said we wouldn't do that anymore.

I know.

But it was a huge favor he did.

I mean... I may get the promotion...

There could be a big bonus.

Seems rude not to...

that's ridiculous. I'm sorry.

Forget it. Forget it.

Okay, but is that... I mean, is that what you want?

Do you want to do it again?

Do you?

You want her again, don't you?

One more time wouldn't kill me.

Okay.

Butjust one more time.

When was the last time this car was tuned up?

I don't drive it anymore, honey. You do!

If it was my car,

I'd pay someone to drive it off a cliff.

When you want to chauffeur the kids around all day,

you can take the minivan, and I'll take my car back.

You still have a great butt, you know.

Thank you.

You have a great butt, too.

I could getjealous tonight.

I'm hoping you do.

Really? Two can play at that game.

Give us a kiss.

Hello, Barnets.

We missed you.

Wendy: We've been looking forward to this.

You look amazing.

Thank you. I got my hair done.

- Hi. - Hello.

You're looking pretty smooth yourself, Alan.

Why, thank you. I actually shaved.

- What do you think? - This is awesome.

Should have worn a toga.

You won't be needing one.

Come on.

I thought we'd try something different tonight.

You guys ever done ecstasy?

Alan: I took a quaalude once in college.

They've made some amazing advances

on the recreational drug front.

I'm up for it.

Are you cold?

Louise: You've never done this?

- To good friends. - To good business.

Have you ever been with a woman before?

And we're down, going down, getting down, coming down

'Cause you came around

Come and seize the disease

Won't you please stay away from my head you will

I mayjust die

But I'll do it again and again

And again and again and again

Feeling sin, feeling sin

Feel your fingers through my hair

Feel inside, feel inside

Up and down, don't you feel it?

I mayjust die

But I'd do it again and again and again

And again...

I'm sad but you're sad and mad

I'm lost in your love

The difference is you don't believe

You can't believe love...

Lies

And I will confer to lies

Until you slip

And die

Mom, Daniel put three spoonfuls of sugar on his cereal.

Mom, Daniel put three spoonfuls of sugar on his cereal.

Mom, why don't you put it in the blender?

That's how dad always does it.

Well, I don't want to listen to the blender this morning.

( ringing )

Hello? Hi, Mom, can I call you back?

Mom, why didn't you get us up on time?

I'm on the phone.

What?

I know. I forgot to leave the number with the sitter.

- I'm sorry. - We're going to be late for school.

Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. I'll call you back later, okay? 'Bye.

- I want my orange juice. - Eat your cereal.

Hurry up, Mom. We don't want to be late.

I knew that was gonna happen.

You know what?

You guys go get your backpacks on

and I'll write you a note. Go!

Why don't you ever help me?

- About last night... - Let's not talk about it.

It's over.

I'm going to get the kids.

Are you ready to face the Foodsmart guys?

Man: I wouldn't worry about me, Alan.

It was supposed to be my account.

Frazier must really want it to send the both of us.

If Adam had really wanted it,

- he'd have sentjust me. - Hey, guys.

- Neil Bradley, right? - Yeah.

Great suit. Jack Bauer, how are you?

Alan's told me all about you.

See you at the meeting, Neil.

Right.

Jack: You take care now.

You don't call anymore?

- Is that why you came? - Yeah.

I've been kind of swamped at work...

Oh, well listen, buddy...

Louise really misses you.

You know what I'm saying?

You're too busy, I understand.

Can't make it tonight, let's try for tomorrow night.

It's Brooke's recital tomorrow...

I'll check my calendar.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd think you're trying to avoid us!

Okay.

Next week. How about a show,

dinner, whatever you want?

Great. See how easy that was?

Call me. Promise?

I promise.

See you soon.

Man: Well, thank you very much for your presentation.

You've obviously put a lot of work into it.

We'll think about it and get back to you.

Okay.

Hank, with all due respect,

there is nothing to think about.

The fact is, we all know there isn't anyone else in this industry

who can match our quality, service or price.

So, what do you say?

Whew, what a day! I get promoted in the morning,

close a deal the same night.

Promoted? What the hell are you talking about?

Didn't Adam tell you? He picked me.

- No, he didn't tell me. - He probably didn't want you

to get bent out of shape and mess up this deal.

Mess it up? I closed it, you piece of dirt!

( scoffs ) Yeah.

We'll bring it up at your review.

See you tomorrow, pal.

You coming?

No way.

Louise, I can't do this. Wendy and I, we're not...

You'll never have this with your wife.

( elevator bell chimes; doors open )

- Hey, buddy. - Huh?

Now that's what I call a promotion.

You ass-kissing piece of shit.

Ow!

( car engine starts )

Brooke: I don't know. She won't come out of the bedroom,

and daddy had to work late.

Where have you been?

- Who are you talking to? - Grandma.

Mom's in a bad mood. Like, what else is new?

Hey, Margaret. Yeah, I just walked in.

Whatever she's upset about, I'll take care of it.

Yeah, okay.

Don't worry about it. I'll call you.

We're not the right kind of people, Alan.

Whatever made us think we could do this?

Honey, we've made some mistakes,

but they're in the past. It's behind us. It's done.

Everything's okay. Really.

It's going to be okay. Really.

What happened to your lip?

I banged it... Getting into the car.

It's nothing.

Promise me that we'll never see them again.

I promise.

I swear to God.

I swear to God.

Are you wearing a new cologne?

No.

No, it must be that soap.

You're right.

We ought to get things back on track.

What do you want to do?

Just... Something...

Normal.

( phone rings )

( phone rings )

Answer the phone.

Hello?

Oh, my god.

Alan: The meeting broke up around 10:15.

The last time I saw Neil was in the lobby,

he was heading for the elevator.

- Man: You didn't leave together? - No, I went to the men's room.

We take separate cars.

Was it a mugging? What happened?

Man: He was beaten to death. They think a pipe,

or a lug wrench or something.

Jesus.

After you left the men's room, what did you do?

I went to the parking garage and got in my car.

Did you notice anything unusual in the garage?

No, I just got in my car and left.

The parking attendant's records show

that you left the garage at 10:44.

Wait a minute. Is Alan a suspect here?

Some of the night staff said that you and Mr. Bradley

had an argument in the lobby at about 10:20.

It wasn't an argument. We were discussing a business deal.

I'm just trying to establish a time line.

Detective, if you think Alan had anything to do with this...

he is the straightest,

most law-abiding citizen in the world.

As of now, we don't have any suspects.

So... are we through?

Sure.

I know where I can find you.

I'm sorry to bother you so late.

What happened to your lip?

Oh, I banged it on the car door.

I'm a real klutz sometimes.

Brooke: I'm still hungry.

Wendy: I know, let's make some cookies.

We haven't done that in a long time.

- Brooke: Chocolate chip! - Daniel: I like peanut butter.

- Wendy: What do you think, dad? - Alan: Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry. Whatever.

- Uncle Jack! - We just had pizza!

Hey, right on, brother.

Where's Aunt Louise?

She's at home, but she told me to give you a big hug.

You guys run in there and see...

- I brought you a big surprise. - Oh, boy!

Went for pizza, huh?

Yeah. How did you get in?

Everybody always leaves a key

right under their potted plant.

Mom! Dad! Come see what Uncle Jack bought us!

Wow! They're almost life-size!

- This is awesome. - ( TV in background )

We asked for one of these

for christmas the last two years.

But mom and dad said we couldn't afford it.

Thanks, Uncle Jack!

He's not your uncle, Daniel.

Why don't you take your brother outside?

Aww, do we have to?

Just go.

Tv narrator: ...and share their bounty with hungry offspring.

I hope you like where I put it.

I went through the whole house

and this seemed like the best spot.

Can we get right to the point?

We can't accept the TV. You have to take it back.

And...

We really resent you breaking into our house.

Can you get out of my chair, please?

I don't understand.

I was just trying to surprise you guys.

Alan and I don't want to see you or Louise anymore.

It's not right for us, and frankly,

we wish we'd never gotten into it.

That's too bad.

Louise and I always saw this as a long-term relationship.

Well, it's not going to work out.

Hang on guys, I mean, what happened here?

It's just a TV.

Listen...

Louise and I have been playing the field for a long time.

We've had a lot offun, but that's not so safe to do anymore.

We had always hoped that we would meet a nice couple

...so that we could all just settle down.

- Jack... - You gotta realize we're committed...

We're not interested.

You got to find somebody else.

In the meantime...

Get your TV,

take it out of here,

and we can all go on with our lives.

You make it all sound so simple, Al.

It is, Jack.

No, it's not, Wendy.

You see, underneath it all,

Louise and I want the same things you guys do.

Nice house, family, friends...

you've really opened our eyes.

Jack, I'm sorry, but this...

this is not our problem.

I was really looking forward to spending

some more time with you since you got the promotion.

You got that promotion?

Yeah. I was next in line.

He deserved it. Too bad what happened to Neil.

I think it's time you... go.

Yeah.

- You're probably right. - ( switches channel )

( moaning )

You jerk!

- Turn it off. - It's a gift!

For your eyes only. I'm not gonna show anyone else.

You won't believe this...

Give me the control!

( moaning continues )

Wait till you see what we got!

( Jack clapping )

Daniel: Come on guys, let's go outside.

You think Jack killed Neil, don't you?

No.

I don't know.

What do you think?

I think we don't know a damn thing

about either one of them.

Adam, I've been thinking about this vice presidency,

and it... it doesn't feel right.

Alan, just relax, you've earned it.

We all feel bad about Neil,

but what happened to him wasn't your fault.

Every dog has his day. This is yours.

- Jack! How are you? - Good, Adam. Nice to see you.

- Congratulations on the promotion. - What are you doing here?

I was just going to tell you about this.

Jack is outfitting us with a closed-circuit

video surveillance system.

Offices, warehouses, parking lots.

He's going to make sure our employees are safe from now on.

There's nothing more important than safe employees.

That's right. I'll get those figures from you later.

You take care now.

Everything's falling right into place.

I got work to do.

Al-lan.

You know how much we love you guys, right?

Do me a favor, tell Wendy to call off the investigation.

What the hell are you talking about?

Call her.

Ask her what she's been doing all day.

- Aah! - Damn! Verna...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That detective called, he wants to talk to you again.

Thank you.

Man: Way to go, Daniel!

Come on, hustle it! Hustle it!

Woman: Positions, kids, positions.

( whistle blows )

This guy at the bar said that...

Jack put a man's head through a window and Louise just laughed.

People have fights in bars.

The guy was Louise's first husband.

I found out at the library that he was killed

in a skiing accident a month later.

So?

There were no witnesses.

( spectators cheering )

that was a really dumb thing,

going down to that bar all by yourself.

Well, too bad. The point is,

I think we have to tell the police.

Tell them what? The couple we've been swinging with

aren't the upright citizens we thought they were?

Because if we tell the police, everything's going to come out.

All there is to do is to put as much distance

between us and them as possible.

( whistle blows, cheering )

Did you see me? Did you see what I did?

Sorry, champ. What happened?

He just scored the winning goal.

Wendy: Excuse me. Daniel?

( muffled voices )

Alan: Hello?

A bottle of brandy for the new neighbors?

Hi, neighbors.

- No, you're not. - I love the suburbs.

- Look who's here. - It's so great.

Oh, hi.

So, what do you think?

Wendy: Okay, you've made your point.

This isn't going to change anything.

'Cause we're not like you.

And we never will be.

What has happened to you two?

Didn't we make your lives more exciting?

Isn't that what you wanted?

All we wanted to do is be close to you.

You just stay away from us.

Jack: You better straighten her out.

Everything's fine over here!

This doesn't need to be complicated!

I spoke to a couple of agents today.

The real estate market's still in the dumper.

Our house is upside down.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that we...

Go. Go.

It means that...

we owe more money on our loan than the house is worth.

You still want to sell?

Of course. What do you think?

I don't understand why you want to sell this house.

It's an awful thing to do to the kids,

making them change schools, leave their friends...

There are other factors involved, mother.

Is there something wrong between you and Alan?

No! I mean... no. Why would you ask such a thing?

It's just that...

Oh, dear.

It's just...

That Brooke asked me today,

if anything happened to you or her father,

could she and Daniel come and live with me.

Why would she say a thing like that?

I don't know, mother. She's a kid.

They say strange things.

Is that the fellow that came

to Daniel's birthday party?

Wendy and Alan: Yeah.

The strange couple.

Yes, mother.

I didn't know they were your neighbors.

Daniel: Can we have dessert in front of the TV?

Too bad we can't watch it on our big screen.

- Brooke. - You have a big screen TV?

We used to have one.

But mom broke it.

Too bad, huh? Who wants ice cream with their pie?

- Daniel: Me. - I want to hear about this television.

( phone rings )

It was a present from Uncle Jack and Aunt Louise.

- Daniel: Hello? - Mom smashed it on purpose.

Daniel: Yeah, just a second.

It's for you, Dad. It's a detective.

Oh, boy, let's have our pie in the other room. Come on.

Hello? Uh... No.

I've already told you everything I know.

No, I'm with my family.

No, Monday I can't,

I've got meetings all day.

Tuesday?

Ahem... 10:00 a.m.

Sure.

Okay.

( phone beeps )

Hi. How was your day?

I couldn't get anything done.

I can't stop thinking about this meeting

with that cop tomorrow.

You're gonna tell him the same thing you told him before.

Where you were that night and what you did.

How complicated could that be?

- Daniel: Daddy! - Hey, champ.

Ah, ah, ah.

- How was your day? - Okay.

- Where's your sister? - She's still at Scouts.

Ah, ah.

No, she isn't. She went next door.

To the Newmans'?

No, to Uncle Jack and Aunt Louise's.

Wendy: Brooke! Where are you?!

We're playing dress-up. How do I look?

How dare you do this to my child?

It's just pretend, Mom.

Wendy, come on. Go straight home...

we're calling the police!

What are you talking about? She came here on her own.

She's 11 years old, you sick fuck!

You better not have touched her.

Take it easy, Alan. It was an innocent little game.

Alan: As if you're innocent of anything.

To people like you, being innocent means you didn't get caught.

You mean people like us.

We know about your first husband's "accident."

What about Neil?

Oh.

I like this game.

Go ahead, call the cops.

But you might want to consider what some people might think

of some dirty little facts about you two.

Like your mother, Wendy.

Or Adam Frazier and the boys at work, Alan.

Or how about the parents of all those little kiddies

that come through Wendy's museum?

You know who would really like to see that tape?

Child Protective Services.

Absolutely. They'd have your kids out of here so quick

it'll look like an alien abduction.

( laughs )

You two are repulsive.

You didn't find me repulsive

the other night at your offices.

- What? - Oh, jesus.

That's right, Wendy. You see, your husband here...

He fucked me.

And he fucked me in an elevator.

And he fucked me better than he's ever fucked you.

Do we understand each other?

Alan: It was stupid and spur of the moment.

- I didn't think. - In the elevator, for Christ's sake!

Wendy, I'm sorry.

- I'll do whatever you want. - You broke the rules.

There are no rules in something like this. It was a big mistake.

A mistake that never would have occurred to me!

I was raised catholic, for Christ's sake!

You were in this every step of the way...

Not every step! And now they have

their hooks in our kids. I'm calling the police.

- You're not going to call... - Brooke: Stop it!

Wait.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell my mother.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell my mother.

I might be able to get a job in Cleveland.

Of course, I won't have a reference.

You make your plans, just don't include me and the kids.

( clattering )

- Did you hear that? - Shhh!

- Yeah. - ( faint noise )

( laughter )

Hey, buddy. Borrowed your lug wrench a couple of weeks ago.

I thought I'd get you another one.

You took my lug wrench?

With my fingerprints on it.

Don't worry, it's in a safe place.

See you, Alan. By the way...

Did you really think we'd let the two of you leave?

( Jack laughing )

Alan: Here it is in a nutshell:

You guys win. We decided to give it a try.

No, everything went fine with the cops.

I stayed calm and said all the right things.

It's like the guy said about the prospect

of being hanged in the morning,

"It concentrates the mind wonderfully."

We figured it was time to call a truce.

All of us. The four of us.

Yeah, that's what I was calling about.

Yeah, us too.

We have a great place. It's very secluded.

A client of mine owns it, he's going to be away.

Right.

You talk to Louise and we can set a date.

Great. Talk to you soon.

( phone beeps )

Do you really think you can do this?

You haven't braided my hair for a really long time.

I guess I just felt like it.

Does this mean you're not mad at me anyone?

I was never mad at you, sweetheart.

Then how come you act so mean all the time?

It's not your fault.

I'm sorry, honey.

Maybe one day you'll have a family of your own.

And you'll find out how hard it is

to try to do everything right all the time,

try to be everything for everybody.

But it is not possible.

We make mistakes. ( soft sob )

But I promise you...

Things are going to change. I'm gonna do better, okay?

I love you.

You pretty girl.

Wendy: Do you think they're suspicious?

Alan: Maybe.

Thing to remember is, Jack can't think past his groin.

So if we keep their minds focused on sex,

( gun clicks )

We should be okay.

Hey look, Brooke's retainer.

Jack: Hey guys,

what a really nice place.

Love the boots, Wendy.

Scotch?

- No, thank you. - You sure? It's your favorite.

I'm fine. Really, thanks.

Baby?

Louise: Come here.

Why don't we go upstairs and go exploring?

Jack: That is a great idea.

That way Wendy and I can stay right here

and snuggle.

I tell you what,

why don't the two of you go upstairs

and Wendy and I...

will meet you up there soon.

You know...

you guys are acting a little weird.

Are you sure you're not still holding a grudge?

- No. - No.

Can't we just talk?

Why rush it? Let's enjoy it.

Baby?

Hmm?

I'm starting to get a really bad feeling about all of this.

Wendy: Really?

Why don't you feel these?

I'm glad we could all be friends again.

Alan: Wendy, honey, I'm so sorry.

I never meant it to go that far.

If I could have thought of a way to stop it, I would have.

Just get in there, and get it over with

while they're still asleep.

( heavy breathing )

You think that's going to make your problems go away?

I wish you had the nerve to pull that trigger.

Then I'd die respecting you.

Go to bed, Alan.

( distant thunderclap )

( engine sputters )

Alan: Come on.

Come on.

Come on, you piece of...

( engine sputters )

Perfect!

Now what?

( engine roars )

Our car broke down once, in Yellowstone.

You know what we did?

Alan: Let me guess, you banged.

Right there in the middle of the park.

It seemed like the only thing to do.

Jack: What I've learned is

if you find yourself in a situation that's beyond your control,

the smartest thing you can do is relax...

and go along for the ride.

And then there was that cute little park ranger

that came out of nowhere. Remember him?

- He was gonna cite us. - Yeah.

- Baby, remember Santorini? - Mmm.

All that beautiful black sand?

Of course, you stole the show,

by going topless on the beach.

Had all those Greek boys about ready to snap it right there.

Alan: How long till we reach the gas station?

We should go there.

- We could bring the kids. - Jack: That's a great idea.

Of course I can't wait to see that black sand

all over Wendy's big, beautiful tots.

- Lou... - ( tires squeal )

Alan: Jack, keep your eye on the road!

Jack: It's okay. We're fine.

Please be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate.

- We will walk. - Please.

- Jack, slow down! - Don't stop!

- I'll never stop. - Jack!

- ( moaning ) - Jack, look out!

- Whoa! - ( screams )

( screaming )

( Jack laughing )

We crashed.

( laughs )

We freaking crashed!

We crashed!

Louise?

Louise?

Baby? Louise?

Lou?

Jack: Louise.

Louise?

( whispering ) Louise...?

Oh, baby. Louise?!

Alan! Alan!

Alan!

Wendy! Come on you guys,

You gotta help us get out of here!

Where are you guys?!

I can't get my freakin' leg out!

Alan, I'm stuck!

Come back and get us out of here!

You don't want to get rid of me.

You'll never get rid of me!

Come on guys, we're still a team, right?

When this is all over...

We got to do it again. ( laughs )

Alan...!

How do you feel about getting the kids a puppy for christmas?

There's no way around it, really.

We practically promised it to them.

Oh, did I tell you the dentist said

Danny's going to need braces?

Bills, bills, bills, bills, bills...

And more bills.

Want a back rub?

Really?

Sure.

Where's the lotion?

Get the ball, get the ball.

Challenge, challenge.

Man: Go, go, go!

- Whoo-oo! - Alan: Daniel, good boy!

Alan: Whoo-hoo!

Get into it

Get into it, baby

I been down in such a dark place

I've been a phony and a fool

Just to please everybody who

Said that they loved me and I

Spat out food that I was too afraid to swallow

I've been locked up in this attic

This jealous lover of a brain

And I've tried so hard to get a little sunshine, yes

I've tried so hard to break this cycle of pain

'Cause there's muscle men on the beach

Surfers down in surfing heaven

If I was in their reach, I would surely tell them

Get into it, baby

And do whatever you can

Come on, get into it, baby

Yeah, yeah

Every woman, every man

Enjoy your life

Yeah, yeah

Mmm-hmm

I was talking with a legend

I was feeling like a young fool

Around about 14

I asked him of his secret

To success

He said, "Each day's a lesson

And life is your school"

'Cause there's beauty out on the street

It's concrete, but it could be heaven

There's so much for you to see

So get out there and tell them

Get into it, baby

And do whatever you can

Come on, get into it, baby

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Every woman every man

Get into it, baby

Get into it

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Get into it! Get it

Do whatever you can

Come on, get into it, baby

Every woman every man, yeah

Enjoy your life

Enjoy your life

Yeah

Enjoy your life

Enjoy your life

Enjoy your life!