Original subtitles

(wind howling)

(bats chirping)

(bubbling)

(thunder booming)

(crows cawing)

(gentle music)

(man groaning)

What are you guys talkin' about?

(woman sighs)

Really?

So juicy, tell me more.

(man groans)

I just love my new wardrobe Sarah,

especially this.

Don't you just love it Larnell?

It's made out of all locally grown fabric,

hemp, naturally.

It's the tops V, get it?

Man even my jokes are super lame now.

Don't sweater it buddy,

yarn not doing so bad.

I gotta hand it to you V,

you always seem to know how to

look on the bright side of things.

Well I just do what my daddy told me

when I was running for homecoming queen.

Which was?

Stick your tits out and smile.

Sound advice,

some knucks.

And if I didn't I'd go bat shit crazy

and kill every sucker who looked at me sideways.

Oh.

This is so boring.

How long has it been anyway?

Way long dude.

According to my calculations

it's been at least six months,

see?

Oh I sort of gave up after a while.

Do we have to be up here?

It's no use,

if it was triable we've tried it.

EeBe found out how we escaped before

and sealed up all the rabbit holes.

She has to have an Achilles heel.

Yeah, and a weak spot too.

No I'm telling you girls,

if it was triable we've tried it.

We're gonna be stuck in here

for a long time.

Nothing to look forward to,

except Sarah's fall lineup.

I do have something in mind

that's gonna wow the critics.

Maybe we should talk to Rabbit,

he's always helped us before.

That kinky freak?

He loves it in here, he's got like

Bong-holm Syndrome.

He's loving every second of this

incarceration.

If we keep moping around here

without motivation then we're never gonna

get outta here.

I for one am running out of sweater patterns.

That does it,

we have to find Rabbit and figure our way out.

There was that method of reverse thinking

that used to work.

Like if you wanted out you had to convince yourself

that you wanted to stay?

Yeah.

Exactly, everything was opposite.

But you had to totally clear your thoughts

to get your mind in that state of zen.

And it's not as easy to get your brain pan

as empty as Rabbit's.

What was that method that Rabbit used

last time to escape?

Nothing Head, that's it,

trademark and patent pending.

Now if you kids would just scoot along.

I got some high pressure business to take care of.

(laughing)

Ms. Dennet.

Oh, right hand on green.

Oh.

(laughing)

Oh.

Occupied.

[Rabbit] Oh, Funnel Mister.

Not a problem pal.

Let's play again.

This is the best game ever.

This is all they ever do.

London Bridge is falling down,

falling down, falling down.

It's so degrading.

I know.

They never let me play.

[Monster] Save some for me.

Rabbit?

[Monster] Yeah, yeah.

Really gotta rap with you

about something.

Can't it wait?

[Monster] Yeah.

I'm in the middle of some

high pressure competition here.

(laughing)

Come on Brosario Dawson,

we gotta talk, now.

Look, the girls and I were talking,

and we all decided that enough is enough.

We need to get outta here and get back

to our complicated, screwed up,

kinda normal lives.

And you are gonna pull up those

training socks Rabbit,

and help us out.

We've been over this 1,000 times.

She's changed the whole Bong World.

She who must not be named...

You mean E...

Eh eh ay ay ay.

Oh.

If you say her name,

she'll show up

and harsh

our marvelous mellow.

(laughing)

Come on dude.

She's sealed up all the rabbit holes.

Sorry, I can't help ya.

Don't you wanna get out there and

do what you do?

Whatever you guys wanna do, it's cool.

Rabbit.

Teach us the ways of Nothing Head.

I don't know.

Come on dude.

We're all just wasting away in here.

At least out there in that cruel cruel world,

we have a chance to one day...

I got nothing.

Please.

Show us your hole.

(laughing)

(calm reggae music)

* In the morning in the night

* When I don't feel so right

* Up through the misty haze

* The green will grind up my days

* Cloud smoke to clear my mind

* Just enough to hemp unwind

* Everywhere I go I take it

* Oh it's like I can't escape it

* Only thing I need

* Need green wicked weed

* Every from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

* You got a hold of me

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Light the fire

* Spark the tree

* Make it a part of me

* Think of all the life it breathes

* Just growing from those little seeds oh

* I forget my smoke today

* Work too hard, get home late

* I just need a break

* Or one more toke that I can take

* Only thing I need

* Evil green wicked weed

* Carried from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

* You got a hold on me

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane *

(calm trumpet solo)

* Oh evil green wicked weed

* Carried from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* You know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

* Carried from the devil's seed

* Fiending for it every day

* Know I want that Mary Jane

* Evil green wicked weed

Needless to say,

the ways of Nothing Head

are extremely dangerous

and should not be used lightly

or by amateurs.

(man groans)

It has taken years of training to achieve

nothing-ocity.

Pay close attention.

Should I be writing this down?

You already failed.

Writing would mean you are doing something.

Let all of that go,

flush that something

right out of your brain.

(Rabbit gurgles)

(snapping)

And boom goes the dynamite.

Nothing Head achievement unlocked.

But we've learned nothing.

Be patient grasshopper.

Did somebody say grass?

(laughing)

You did it man,

that was full on Nothing Head.

So talk to me boss,

what'd you see?

A way out of this place?

Maybe some of her weaknesses?

You guys are cutting into some serious

Twister time.

Dude show some respect

and keep it quiet,

the master is at work here.

You are the Nothing Head Ninja.

Okay girls, give it a shot.

(girls exhaling)

What is this shit?

(heavenly operatic music)

Anything?

I thought of a new way

to crochet suspenders.

I was thinking I could use new suspenders.

I'll make it yeah.

Uh, did you find your rabbit hole?

That my friend is

for the Poontang Tribe and

they find it plenty.

Not that you kinky freak.

I'm talking about a way out of this place.

It's useless Larnell.

Nothing Head senses

no weaknesses in the Bong World.

Her karate is strong.

Who?

EeBe, gosh dang it.

I knew I could get you to say it,

you owe me a buck.

One of you mother fuckers call?

Rabbit did, he misses you.

I was smack dab in the middle of

plotting world domination,

what the fuck does your stupid mouth want?

I, uh...

Spit that dick outta your mouth

and say it.

I made you something EeBe.

[EeBe] Mm.

It even has sleeves for your tubes.

Who the fuck's gonna wear that shit?

You could've at least re-gifted it

if you didn't like it.

All you dumb asses look like you're

up to no damn good.

No, no damn good at all.

No damn good at all right girls?

[Sarah] Mm hmm.

Mm hmm, better not not be up to

no damn good if you know what's good for ya.

Well, EeBe, if we were up to no damn good,

would we, I don't know,

find something good?

You think you can trick me

into revealing my weaknesses?

Let me tell you something white bread,

there are none.

They're gone like Rabbit's pride.

Oh.

Told ya.

But while I have you dopes standing around

with your mouths open,

I'm gonna get down to business.

The domination business.

Oh yeah, me first,

show me those titties.

You dumb shits,

not on your life.

I've grown tired of this place.

Boy howdy.

I've been thinking too small

all these years, the Bong World

isn't big enough to contain my bad ass.

I tried to take over the outside world

by conquering one tiny domain at a time.

Here we go.

But now I'm ready for a full on

full tilt boogie attack.

So what you gonna open up a cupcake chain?

No shit-for-brains, I'm gonna rule planet Earth.

I've got it all figured out,

and my accountant has crunched the numbers.

I'll need some seed money though,

and that's where you mother fuckers come in.

[Girls] Why would we help you?

You don't have a choice, that's why.

Well uh.

(Rabbit clears throat)

[EeBe] Mm?

How much seed money

are we talking about?

One million dollars.

(laughing)

That's a lot of dough.

Silence!

I'm gonna send you outta the Bong World

and back into that shit hole you call home.

But don't get any funny fuckin' ideas.

I'll be watching your every move.

You still under my control

and there's no escape.

You're gonna sell my magic weed

to all the stoner mother fuckers out there

at an incredibly fucked up price.

Once they get hooked on my weed,

they won't ever go back to that

skunk weed they've been smoking.

Once you got EeBe smack,

you don't go back.

You got 30 days to give me my money,

and you bitches better have my money!

What the what the?

30 days, dude that's impossible.

Make it happen mother fucker.

I've already set up the location.

I'll be watching you.

(Larnell sighs)

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

We got this right guys?

I don't know Larnell,

30 days.

Million bucks is a lot of smack-aroos.

Oh come on dude,

get on my level for this.

We've done it before right?

You, me, the girls.

One team one dream right guys?

Yeah.

No jail can hold us for long.

Yeah, we're gonna nail her

stupid thing to the thing.

Nice try sweetie.

Thanks.

That reminds me,

the bitches stay here with me.

Say what?

Call it insurance.

No time to be playing grab ass

on my dime.

No way.

Oh yes way, I have something

special in store for you bitches.

Like what?

I've had a secret weapon locked away

for a real long time, and I'm about to unleash it.

I don't like the sound of this.

Me neither.

Prepare yourself for,

the Poonishers.

(heavenly operatic music)

(fire exploding)

What in the name of?

(upbeat tribal music)

My god.

You sure we can't hang around

for just a little while longer?

Careful prudes,

they've been known to chew right on through

chastity belts.

(upbeat tribal music)

So ew.

Total ew.

The Poonishers don't care

if your carpet is clean,

they're gonna munch it anyway.

Look at those taters.

You limp dicks better get your asses gone,

time is my money.

(whip cracks)

I wanna stay with you.

Totally sucks dude.

You heard the

dirty old weed bag.

Time is ticking.

You really gonna do this?

We have no choice.

Sarah, if I'm going back into business,

I need to look like I mean business,

what do you got?

I just put the finishing touches

on this.

Here, oh and and...

This is for you Ginger.

I like.

I made a little karate outfit for you.

Ha-cha-cha.

You've been holding out Betsy Ross.

Away team,

ready yourselves.

(Rabbit inhaling)

All right dude.

Weed us up Scotty!

(laser effect)

Do you think they're gonna save us?

We're screwed.

(calm reggae music)

(skateboard rolling)

(laser effect)

Whoa.

Check out all this cool stuff.

There's a crowbar in my pants.

More like a thimble.

Oh, dude look at all the little EeBes.

And check out you two kinky freaks.

Yeah, I look good.

How'd you change your clothes?

Anything is possible once you master

the world of

Nothing Head.

Well you'd be right if changing your clothes

could get us out of this mess.

So far Nothing Head has been nothing

but a big fat nothing.

Really Larnell?

Really?

Seriously?

Put yourself in check Bernie Sanders.

Calm down fellas.

No need to be at each other's throats,

get a load of this joint.

Yeah, I got to admit,

this place is pretty sick.

A lot better than that shit hole

I used to run.

I find this environment conducive to

Nothing Head.

Well you better find it conducive

to selling a shit load of weed Rabbit,

or else those Poonishers

gonna be making a box lunch out of the girls.

If you know what I mean.

Rabbit knows this.

And Rabbit knows

much more.

Yeah and what else does Rabbit know?

There's a shit load of weed in here

and Rabbit's gonna grab it.

(laughing)

(Ginger grunting)

Mind if I cut in?

You'd be rude not to.

(calm reggae music)

(bong bubbling)

You are such a weird little animal.

(bong bubbling)

(Ginger coughing)

Dude, that was an epic bong rip.

I love your work.

Pass the baton,

daddy wants to play.

(lighter flicks)

(bong bubbling)

I am a child on Christmas right now.

This is so wrong I don't ever wanna be right.

Jeez, thanks for sharing your high buddy.

So, should we continue the nipple tour?

Lead the way my liege.

(upbeat music)

(serene music)

Get a load of these digs.

It is as in my vision.

Cut the crap Caitlyn Jenner.

Your visions are just a bunch of brain farts.

Shut the french toast.

Check out the sacred plant right there.

Look at all that sacred plant.

That's the money maker dude.

This shit is better than the other shit.

EeBe would never know

if some was missing.

I don't know dude.

And that right there,

that's probably for the queen bitch's

eventual arrival.

Get the common man used to her

eventual overlord dude.

And besides a love letter to her ego,

what do you think those bad boys are for?

We shall pack them with weed

and give them to the customer.

In accordance to prophecy.

I bet a brown paper bag is way more efficient.

Actually it's probably how she's

gonna keep tabs on sales.

Every time you take one down

from the shelf, she'll feel it.

That will be half a million smack-aroos sir.

Well check's in the mail.

Seriously?

No dude this is totally stupid.

No, seriously, is the check in the mail?

'Cause we're gonna need all the cash we can get.

I'm gonna get high.

(calm music)

Hey cinnamon buns, how's it goin'?

Good, hey Phoebe, I got a little situation

down here, was wondering if

you could help an older cooler out.

Really?

That's sweet!

Fast as you can,

and oh, dress for success will ya?

See you in a bit.

Oh, look-ee here.

Come on Rabbit, we don't have time

to play with toys dude.

We gotta get out of this mess.

Get out of EeBe's grasp.

And dude, who knows what the Poonishers

are doing with the girls right now.

(machine spraying)

Ya know, I wonder what the Poonishers

are doing with the girls right now.

That's the spirit Larnell,

positive thinking.

I wish I had your mindset right now,

'cause I'm really freaked the hell out, I...

Get on my level bro.

Climb the ladder of life with me.

I'm higher than Jesus right now.

Achievement unlocked.

I love you man.

Ditto bro.

(laughing)

How long does this last again?

Sometimes too long.

(laughing)

(bell ringing)

Is that the door?

Build it and they shall come.

Onward.

(calm hip hop music)

Phoebe!

(Phoebe giggles)

Hey Chief.

What brings you here?

Well, Gingie and I exchanged numbers

at the bowling alley.

He said he needed help and

I need a job.

Well, but you're still wearing your

Gutter Slut shirt.

The bowling alley is closed.

I know, I've been squatting in it

'cause they haven't bull dozed it yet.

Real talk Phoebs,

we can't afford to pay ya anything.

That's okay, I kinda just need a new place to stay.

The rats keep eating my food

and stealing my makeup.

Welcome aboard.

Wait wait wait wait wait,

Phoebe, remember our

dress code?

In accordance with prophecy.

Duh boss.

Oh jeez, I paid good money for 'em,

show 'em off.

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

(Larnell gasping)

Oh I remember you're

a serious actress and

don't wanna get naked.

Well, Rabbit bestows on you his

semi-approval.

Thank you Rabbit,

I mean Chief.

Hey guys, I haven't checked the location yet,

but if we're anywhere but San Fran,

we are gonna make a killin'.

Now, go out there and

find some discerning customers.

Or anybody that wants to get high.

You got it.

(laughing)

I hope so 'cause Rabbit wanna grab it.

Up top, ring the bell.

Boom.

(calm music)

We're doomed if this doesn't pick up.

I don't know what we're doing wrong man.

You're not selling enough shit.

I wish someone would send me a sign.

(bell rings)

(Larnell yelps)

Holy sagging nut sack,

gramps?

Take back the sign universe.

It's been years.

Should we hug or somethin'?

I knew I'd find you here.

You inebriated imbecile.

Always with the kind words,

you cunning linguist.

Should we hug it out?

You keep your semen-soaked clothes

off of my person.

It's been years dude,

got to admit, looking pretty good.

The proper word is well hmm?

And you look like something

a raccoon shat out after Halloween.

Awesome.

And of course I'm looking well

because I'm doing well.

Since our fortuitous farewell,

I've refocused my energies on the positive.

Good people doing good things.

Gone are the muckrakers and sewer denizens,

ergo, you.

Cut the shit gramps,

you're an old school pothead charlatan

who threw everyone under the bus

just to get ahead.

I was dragged into those unsavory shenanigans.

By you and your cock fondling cohorts.

Give me a break gramps.

Never.

Huh, look at you.

Still wallowing in your squalor,

and delving in dubious acts

like a pulsating boil on a viper's vagina.

Wow, that's actually a very creative insult.

So what'd you stop by here for gramps?

You need money?

We were walking by,

philosophizing the future,

when I suddenly smelled

the stench of desperation.

Huh, I wanted to show him the other side,

what lies beneath the toilet of course.

And of course I find you here,

you tenebres corn turd.

And who is this?

What scam are you pulling him on?

This?

This fine young man

is one who should be

lorded for being everything you are not.

Oh?

Hard working.

Top of his class.

Ivy League, no doubt.

Chivalrous and dedicated to changing the world

through future technologies.

Meet Jeff, Esquire.

The pleasure is all yours.

Your half brother.

Say what the fuck?

Gramps I don't have a brother.

A long-guarded family secret.

I suppose to keep your infantile feelings in order,

you know, you're a thumb sucking stain

on humanity.

So how did this happen?

How did it happen?

Huh, there's no time to educate you

on the doings between man and woman.

So different fathers?

Jeff here is from solid solid

seed stock.

You are the drippings from under the

titty bar table.

That's harsh.

Jeff, ah,

Jeff has made quite a name for himself

in the world of technology.

Streaming entertainment to billions of homes

with the click of a button.

I'm kind of a thing.

Yeah.

Well you know Jeff, I do do a little acting

on the side.

(grandpa laughing)

Ah yes, long live the thespian.

(laughing)

It's what I do.

How did that work out for you eh?

You mewling meat bag,

not so much an actor

as a line reader

parroting for peanuts

with delusions of grandeur.

I've actually done quite a few parts.

Oh, I recall, I recall yes.

Preening around like you

were the cock of the walk

making demands.

Shaving your taint,

turning away opportunities while

waiting for the big time, huh?

(laughing)

Hey, that chick from the Titanic was like 90.

It's a marathon not a sprint gramps,

just gotta believe.

(laughing)

And manatees could fly out my dick hole.

Look at your wasted self now.

Clambering for pennies while

still thinking you're above it all.

Like I said, it can happen.

Indeed.

So is there a point to all this?

The point is, you're a festering

canker sore on the dick of life.

Oh.

Shall we?

We shall.

I bid you adieu.

(bell ringing)

I gotta hit the bong, STAT.

He got you bro.

(bong bubbling)

Dick.

Oh wait, here's some rubes now.

Tell you what, take a gander at this joint.

Classy as shit I tell ya.

Oh-ee, I should've worn clean underwear,

I tell you what the fuck is that?

Eat me, ah.

Can I get something for you guys?

Doctor perhaps?

Dr. Feelgood I tell ya.

You can call Dr. Feel-friggin-awesome

while you're at it I tell.

Ah, I.

Are you looking to procure some

medicinal herb?

I'll tell ya what we want.

You tell 'em what we want,

what we really really want.

We wanna get fucked up,

real bad.

You told 'em what I tell ya.

Yeah we can do that.

You tell me what and I'll tell ya,

if you catch my drift.

Tell it.

I'm not sure.

How god damn much I tell you what?

I don't like to judge something

based on how it looks,

but how much money we talking about here?

Ah.

Hoo-ee.

Gonna be a party tonight I tell ya.

Sorry guys but we just can't

give away our product around here.

It's of the finest quality,

and you won't regret your purchase.

This, it's not enough to get in the game.

You don't tell.

Not sure.

Tell ya don't.

Let me tell you, this fine specimen

is out there working her ass off

on that corner from sun-up to sun-up,

and you're saying

this fine little moolah maker

ain't making enough moolah?

Tell you what, I done bit in there.

Tell you what.

Not sure I catch the business end of your operation.

Oh, show him your business end.

(woman grunts)

Show it.

I tell you what.

Oh.

Kapow.

Look we're not in the market

to turn away customers,

but maybe you come back with a little more jingle

in your pocket, and Rabbit and I,

we can prescribe you a special brand

of magic.

Well I never I tell ya,

hard working woman does an honest nickel

a trick, tell you what.

And it don't get you no further?

You fuckers!

Yeah.

Tell you what,

tell you what, I'll help you with something

with the rougher one.

(bell rings)

Tell you what,

y'all can go straight to tell.

(thunder booming)

(screaming)

(tense music)

(explosion booms)

Hoo hoo hoo, mm, you bitches gonna like this.

No we won't.

Probably won't

Mm.

(laughing)

(creepy music)

(bell rings)

Pardon me but which one of you

is the proprietor of this establishment?

That would be I.

He means me.

Since there is no clear

decision on who the big bacon is,

I am gonna be directing my squeal.

(laughing)

My spiel to Old McDonald here.

Thank you.

You find yourself in the

presence of...

Hambo.

My reputation precedes me.

I'm as flattered

as a pig with lipstick.

And this here,

grade A piece of prime is...

Piggy Suey, I watch the show,

pleased to meet you both.

The pleasure's all swine.

We've met.

Remember, the bowling alley?

Are you with him now?

It's just a gig sugar dick.

Pardon me if I have manure for brains,

but I've scammed so many people since then.

(chuckling)

Remember, lots of boobies?

Free beer.

We made you a ton of cash.

I do recall a teet

or two.

And I never forget a free brew.

We aren't buying today,

we can't.

Nope.

No sir, I'm not selling anything

but opportunity here.

Then what's with all the merch?

(heavenly operatic music)

Badass Dolls, collect them all,

or look like a piece of shit.

Right you are Piggy Suey,

this is an opportunity, and today only,

to get in on the ground floor

of something bigger

than blue ribbon winning Hog Balls.

Hold on hacksaw,

isn't this the same ground floor

that you've been trying to pimp us out on for years?

We have recently procured a website domain

for these high end collectibles.

Dude they're so old they look like antiques.

Whatever sells bub.

Why don't you tell them

where they can get these

badass Badass Dolls Piggy?

www.badassdolls.com.

Like Old McCockled said,

we're not buying today.

Isn't that right Rabbit?

(Rabbit inhales)

Is that fella gonna be all right?

Give him a minute.

Nothing Head has spoken.

Go on.

You shoot a commercial for us

and we can allocate some space

for you to share your wares.

These aren't wares,

these are the futuristicals

of the futuristic.

(heavenly choir)

I must say,

a couple of 'em are badass.

Dolls.

Duh.

God.

We have a barn load of followers on

Twitter, Facebook,

and of course Oinker.

Take it or leave it.

When do we start?

Right now.

I got my camera crew right outside.

(squealing)

Good up here,

whoa.

(laughing)

I frame you.

I can view your soul

with a viewfinder.

What in the name of Don Cheedle

is going on right now?

What you're looking at is your

original inspiration for the Badass Dolls.

(laughing)

It's exactly what I was looking for.

(sparkling)

[Voiceover] BadassDolls.com.

He's also one of the most

sought after action directors in the world.

What?

Action!

More!

Yes.

Uh, this is a joke right?

Cut.

Fuck you!

Speed.

Got any ideas for this?

(intense hip hop music)

(thunder booming)

Any minute now

our knights in shining

cargo shorts are gonna come and

save the day.

They can take their time.

Woo, starting to enjoy this.

So you're taking the whole pyramid route with this?

Oh, I suppose so.

Okay then so am I.

Use your teeth.

Kinky.

On the ropes you dope,

what is wrong with you?

Hurry up.

Oh my god oh my god.

Got it, turn around.

Yeah okay.

Do you think they raised the money yet?

I sure hope so,

they better not be screwing around up there.

I have faith in them.

That makes one of us.

Whoa her boobs.

If you're looking for weed,

grass, kush, pooch,

stems, chemicals,

stink or skunk

go to one of our lousy competitors,

but if you're looking for the

finest of the fine,

visit EbEe's Magical Weed Dispensary.

'Cause we have the finest in town.

It's totally great shit.

Don't be drab and dreary,

visit EbEe's Magical Weed Dispensary

and get cheery.

It's the happiest shit.

Credit cards and tray strictly unacceptable,

we give you

big kush, you give us

big cash.

And if you're on the fence.

Then you're a total loser.

We have this.

(calm music)

(laughing)

Free shows daily.

Think it'll work?

Come they must,

or we're in deep shit.

Yeah.

They're in every hot market,

they'll be coming in so hot and heavy,

you'll have to herd them.

You know I got this connection

down at Killjoy Psycho Circus,

I'm gonna make a phone call and get this on the air.

His pigs left the

pen again.

Hey Hambo.

Have you ever thought about

doing one of them yourself?

I milk my tail

once a day thank you very much.

(laughing)

I meant, have you ever thought about

making a Badass Doll of yourself.

Mm, that's a great idea.

Not too sloppy,

not too sloppy at all.

Here you go.

(goofy music)

[Voiceover] Hambo is so fine,

and Hambo is a swine.

[Voiceover] BadassDolls.com.

I'd buy one.

Well that just earned you

a few porks.

(laughing)

Perks?

I know what I said.

(upbeat electronic music)

(bell ringing)

Oh dang.

Touch nothing,

Butt Pirate.

David will tell you when to touch things,

all right?

Get a load of these sows.

Someone got a promotion.

(man groaning)

This guy is gonna make me so much bread.

(laughing)

Selfie.

(camera snaps)

(heavenly choir)

[Voiceover] BadassDolls.com.

(laughing)

Oh yeah.

Oh.

I'm outta here,

good luck guys.

(laughing)

Help you guys?

Yeah, what is this place?

EeBe's Magical Weed Dispensary.

Check the address again please.

[Man] Check the address again,

quick quick quick quick.

[Man] Here you go.

This is the place.

Clearly it is not.

Looking for a movie location?

[Man] Easy Butt Pirate.

Well we shot a movie this morning,

it's called Eleanor Roosevelt Versus

The Loch Ness Monster.

We edited it in the afternoon,

and distributed it in the late afternoon,

it's now available at grocery stores nationwide

in the Hot Pockets aisle.

That was fast.

Well not that fast,

I only scheduled 17 minutes

for a wrap party, we're obviously in the wrong spot.

So where's the cast and crew?

Hello.

Oh.

Calm down Butt Pirate,

for the love of DaVid.

I usually don't work in such a

large scale production, but when it comes to

Eleanor Roosevelt, the story must be told.

Respect.

Fellas, you came to the right place

at the right time.

And, we have party favors.

Oh my.

Well hurry up because we have a movie to make

this afternoon.

Did I mention that we have a

great location in the back room

with all of the amenities.

You had me at back room.

(upbeat electronic music)

He's right it has all the amenities.

Shoot your movie here guys.

All I require is a small deposit.

When are we due at the next location?

[Man] When are we due at the next location?

Two hours Little Dave.

Two hours, Big Dave.

Perfect.

Sir you have yourself a deal.

David, start writing the script now,

and Butt Pirate, you better have those

blue Speedos under those booty shorts.

Didn't know I was supposed to get dolled up.

Well get into character honey,

because we're gonna be shooting this fucker,

chop chop everyone.

Up up up up up, the deposit.

(upbeat electronic music)

[Voiceover] That's a lot of bread.

You're gonna be a big star.

(gentle music)

(Ginger grunting)

(woman moaning)

What's wrong Candy?

Too sweet?

Nothing Gingie,

it's not you it's me.

Oh!

Stab it Uga.

(Uga grunting)

Yeah Uga, stab it,

stab it good.

(Ginger screaming)

Bad dream dude?

Oh man, the worst.

Dude, I can't believe how well this is going.

Little EeBes are flying off the shelf man.

Hate to admit it but I'm super proud

of our business plan dude.

Got me feeling like a Kardashian

at a BET party.

What about you Rabbit?

Oh dude the swami is out again.

(Rabbit coughing)

That was amazing.

Dude I'm not sure what a million bucks looks like,

but I still don't think this is quite enough.

Oh, ye of little faith and pecker.

We'll make it.

Don't worry, has Rabbit ever let you down?

Almost every single time.

That hurts.

I said almost,

there were a few times where you

pulled through for us in the end.

My dad always said I was good at pulling.

Look, we gotta reach our goal man.

Nothing Head dictates

the observance of the goal

is before your eyes.

You must

envision it.

Are you envisioning?

Thanks for showing me your way dude.

Don't mention it,

now you must reach for the goal.

(calm music)

[Larnell] Then what?

Then manipulate your surroundings

so there's nothing but goal.

(calm music)

Feel the goal, right there.

(snorting)

Are you feeling it?

(laughing)

Oh yeah.

Rabbit's gonna grab it.

Come on, cut the shit dude,

we gotta get some money here.

Sarah and V are counting on us bro.

Stop being such a worry turd.

This shit is primo,

people are coming from high and low

to buy this stuff.

You have to admit it's the best weed ever.

It is dude,

but it's when she sucks you into her Bong World

and finger bangs your soul.

That is a high price to pay my friend.

High price is the key.

I am not a big fan of

sending people to their imminent doom,

but we'll cross that police staple when we get to it.

We must free our friends,

and ourselves,

then we can free the world.

Dude, that was super nice,

do you really feel that way.

I have to, otherwise

my shorts would be a fudge factory.

(calm reggae music)

[Voiceover] Hey, you ever played Twister?

No but

I've played Hurricane.

How does that one go?

You just blow really hard.

Yeah oh let's play.

(laughing)

(bell rings)

Can I help you guys?

Maybe you need help.

Yeah, we help ourselves.

Right, not in this store.

[Tall Man] Says who?

Says him.

Oh jeez, this is upsetting my filly.

What up Puff Pastry Daddy?

Top of the morning to you pal-o.

Hey, check it out,

he's like a leprechaun or some shit.

Where's your

funny colored eggs, leprechaun?

(laughing)

High five dude.

All right, are you guys gonna buy anything or?

We could if we wanted to.

Yeah, like your mom.

Yeah make it rain.

(Ginger grunting)

Fuck yeah.

Yeah okay, that's barely a drizzle.

No that's definitely

at least a drizzle.

Shit, that's more than like

a sprinkle chicky.

Yeah girl.

That's the shit that

cleans the yugo,

not the shit that

makes it dirtier.

What the fuck,

why don't you guys just go an inch

or go on out?

Better do what the lady says.

Or what?

[Ginger] Well we have the right to refuse service.

You have the right to hop around

and hide baskets leprechaun.

Okay, that's not even what leprechauns do.

Look,

we don't care about

fantasy and shit.

We just wanna get baked for reals.

For really reals.

My boy and I

made a ton of scratch at the X Games.

Endorsements out the ass.

You guys have sponsors?

We posed as people that do

actual shit and

stole their endorsement money.

Totally legit.

And somehow we were just

drawn here like

moths to the flame.

Yeah,

it's weird like

we went to buy skunk off some hippie and then

something in our guts just said...

No dude, don't buy that skunk.

Totally,

then we smelled the magic weed and

our legs just started doing shit like

one foot in front of the other one.

Yeah, like

walking and shit.

And, here we are.

Right here man.

I'll never forget the sweet smell

of the weed we got in the bowling alley.

(both sniffing)

Yeah.

This is it.

Accept no substitutes.

Still haven't come down from it.

Shit,

I still think I'm John Tesh man.

Sings real fruity,

makes me have weird feels.

That's pretty gay.

Okay, how much do you want?

I wanna get so high that

I can't feel my toes.

And I just want to

feel my tongue

licking the sun

forever.

You know what I mean?

Yeah okay,

that's nice and all but

money talks and bullshit walks.

Pay the lady.

Five Gs chicky.

(laughing)

[Phoebe] All right.

Your funeral.

Sweet.

Five Gs buys you five bongs full

of your magic weed.

Five Gs, five bongs,

five trips to outer fuckin' space.

(Ginger grunting)

(intense music)

Bark like a dog.

(laughing)

I said bark like a dog!

Bark like a dog!

(barking)

You know I hate Pomeranians.

Show us where the rabbit hole is.

(laughing)

Do you think the guys have the money?

I don't know if I even care anymore.

Oh.

Shh, play along,

EeBe's here.

Whoa, what the fuck is going on here?

This is an awakening.

You bitches is nasty,

I can use you later.

Damn.

Oh the sights we could show you.

Mm, I know you could,

but you skanks need to save it for later.

I'ma go get my money.

Show us the rabbit hole!

Show us the rabbit hole cookie brains!

(laughing)

(dissonant electronic music)

I just got back from Syria.

Flew in to see my buds!

And you need to take the edge off.

Say no more.

Oh I'm gonna get messed

way up!

Woo!

I bet you saw some fucked up shit over there.

Just give me the weed.

This shit's unwieldy!

Sorry friend,

too long to explain.

This is fucked, give me it back!

Apologies all around.

Fuck!

You fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Better.

(intense hip hop music)

(Ginger sobbing)

What's the problem little doughnut?

It's Candy.

You want candy?

Well there's a store right across the street dude,

get you a Zegnen.

Not that kinda candy,

Candy, the girl I cream pied at the bowling alley.

What about her?

Well, I never told anybody this but

she was my first.

I know it's silly,

but I thought we had something special

going on.

But she won't pick up the phone.

(Ginger sobbing)

Don't be glum chum,

another chick will come along.

I want my Candy.

My Candy!

Maybe she just wasn't the right one dude.

Why would you say such a horrible thing?

Real talk bro,

if a girl let's you glaze her face

on the first date,

probably not the kind of chick

you wanna bring home to mom.

Maybe you're right.

There's lots of other tarts in the toaster.

Now we're talking dude.

Thanks for listening Larnell.

I guess I'm just jelly on the inside.

Any time bro, now get on my level for this,

today is a big day.

We gotta get out there and make some money.

I'll be out there in a minute.

I don't want Rabbit to see me

at my most vulnerable I am.

Roger that Ho Ho.

(calm music)

Dude we're short like 40K.

You think she'll notice?

Well you can count on that.

What are we gonna do man?

Nothing Head will find a way.

Hit it chrome dome.

(gentle music)

(Rabbit grunting)

It's not working.

I'm too nervous.

Well clean out your noggin Uncle Fester,

flush it out.

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

(Rabbit grunting)

I'm sorry Larnell,

it's not working.

Well I guess it's time for plan B.

Plan B,

that's always a good one.

What is it?

Tom Cruise sprint the hell outta here.

No wait, wait,

is there a plan C?

'Cause my knees are like dicks.

(Ginger grunting)

Ah!

Oh shit, the bitch is back.

What's up mother fucker?

Just wishing I had me some candy.

You pathetic Pillsbury pasty,

you better be wishing you had my money,

or you're definitely gonna pay out your

doughy ass.

Oh, it isn't right to kick a man in the cookies.

I see a bunch of statues still here,

so that means you pricks are short.

Where's my money?

Well, the fellas have it.

Then just don't sit there,

take me to your weeder.

(thunder rolling)

Show us the rabbit hole.

Show us the rabbit hole

or you're gonna get it.

All they do is giggle, don't you?

Sarah.

[Sarah] What?

Look.

Oh my god.

What is that?

A rabbit hole.

A portal?

It's been here the whole time

we can get out of Bong Land!

(screaming)

Oh, I don't wanna leave their sweet faces

in Bong World...

We have to go.

Oh, we'll probably come right back through.

Very true but we have to try, bye!

Okay after you.

(portal shimmering)

(thunder rolling)

Dude I gotta lube my veins

with marijuana ASAP.

We are more boned than the Elephant Man.

(lighter clicks)

(bell ringing)

Come to daddy.

[Voiceover] Howdy fellas.

Hey Hambo,

to be honest dude,

we don't have time today for your

barnyard hootenanny.

Shittin' bricks are ya?

Cinder blocks.

Hi Candy.

Howdy Gingie.

She's real popular with the ranch hands.

What?

Oh jeez.

Ah.

[Hambo] Oh yeah baby.

It's okay buddy,

like we talked about.

There's way more doughnuts in the box.

Oh I suppose you're right.

Easy come easy dough.

(Hambo grunting)

[Hambo] Oh yeah baby.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell ya somethin'.

What's that?

EeBe's here.

Surprise mother fuckers!

(tense music)

Whoa.

I like what they did with the place.

Quiet.

Okay.

We need to think this through.

Okay.

Oh I know you losers

don't have all my money.

Your asses are mine now, again.

Come on E, we're only short by a little bit.

[EeBe] Mm hmm.

We can explain.

Shut yo dick hole.

You know how hard it is

to come up with a million bucks?

A deal is a deal,

and you chumps didn't deal enough!

I'm sure we can work something out.

Mm, no money, no way.

Maybe it's not enough for total world domination,

but you don't want the Middle East anyways,

that place blows.

All or nothin' white bread.

White bread, that's a hot one.

And you're the first one to be toast.

(Ginger groaning)

Who is laughing now mother fucker?

Give the guy a break,

he just lost his girl.

Who wants that soggy old bread stick anyway?

(Ginger groaning)

What's wrong buddy?

I don't know,

I think my yeast is rising.

Come on Lindsey Brohan,

now is the time for Nothing Head.

(Rabbit breathing heavily)

I, there's no,

sorry man, it's not working.

You gotta get all zen and shit bro.

You broke ass bastards,

those bitches of yours gonna make

fine additions to my munitions.

What do you mean?

You just wait 'til we get back

to the Bong World, you won't even recognize them.

I knew there was a carpet muncher

deep inside of 'em.

That's awesome!

(laughing)

I'm not feeling too good.

Time's up mother fuckers,

back to my Bong World with you.

Hang on E, we still have another minute.

You think somebody's gonna

save your white ass?

Who got that kinda money?

You closing I tell ya?

Huh?

(Ginger grunting)

Not yet.

(laughing)

(lively banjo plucking)

I'll be dipped in hog asses,

it's that guy.

Can I get a picture of you?

(Hambo laughing)

You got a name?

Joe Cracker.

[Hambo] Of course it is.

(lively banjo plucking)

[Voiceover] BadassDolls.com.

And look at that crack whore he's with.

(laughing)

Excuse me,

Ms. Crack Whore.

What?

Nothing, nothing to worry your sores about.

(laughing)

I'm gonna take your picture okay baby?

Huh?

Come on, pose for me baby,

oh yeah.

(heavenly choir)

[Voiceover] Crack whore!

[Voiceover] BadassDolls.com.

I tell you what we done did it

I tell you.

Done what?

Huh?

It was a marathon I tell ya.

But she done did it.

So we can done do it.

[Voiceover] She done did it

real done good.

That's a lot of fuckin' nickels bro.

How much is this exactly?

I tell you what,

39,999 and 95 cents I tell you.

Holy clown vag,

hope this is enough.

I tell you what, I am so proud of her.

One nickel at a time I tell ya.

I tell ya,

I tell ya.

I tell ya.

I tell ya!

(sobbing)

So sweet.

(laughing)

Oh baby.

Oh.

(Ginger grunting)

Damn it, bad news dude,

we're short by a nickel.

Uh huh.

There we go.

(change clinking)

In the name of Erin Eckhart,

we did it bro.

High five.

I tell you what,

I tell you.

Give us a hug.

Never dude.

No fuckin' way.

A deal's a deal EeBe,

now bring us the girls.

Mm, those bitches are locked away

where you'll never see them again.

Hey guys.

Hey.

What's going on?

Hey V, you guys broke out of the Bong World.

What?

No fuckin' way.

No time to explain dudes,

just help Rabbit get into Nothing Head.

Roger that.

I'm back.

What?

I'm gonna kill everybody here,

starting with the oinker.

(Hambo squealing)

Come on Rabbit,

you can do it you have to.

I'm sorry,

my brain is

all froggy.

You mean foggy?

Nope, I mean froggies jumping around like

Clear your mind

of all thoughts.

Release yourself

to the Rabbit-verse.

Is this

working?

No it's

fucking not.

(punch thwacks)

(birds chirping)

No more Mr. Nice Pie.

Every fuckin' time you find a way.

But I got you this time.

How do you figure?

That dumb fucking Rabbit is asleep.

(snapping)

Mila Brovovich?

Are you there?

[Rabbit] Rabbit is everywhere.

Is this stupid you talking?

Or did you grab zen by the balls?

[Rabbit] Nothing Head has reached

a new level.

One up man.

Oh shit I'm outta here.

[Rabbit] No, you are now,

you are in here.

Crazy ass there ain't nothing in there.

[Rabbit] That's the point.

Mother fucker!

(intense wind)

Dude, a chick, bro?

I'm gonna make mince meat outta you piggy.

(Ginger shouting)

(calm music)

(Rabbit snorting)

What'd I miss guys?

(calm music)

(Ginger grunting)

Oh, ah oh.

Hey, what is this place?

No fuckin' clue.

Ah shit, Rabbit.

Where's that moron's mother fucking head?

This blows.

Ah!

(gentle music)

Whoa.

[Voiceover] Look at you,

you look like something a raccoon shat out

after Halloween.

It's like a pulsating boil

on a viper's vagina.

Not so much an actor

as a line reader

parroting for peanuts

with delusions of grandeur.

(parrot cawing)

Turning away opportunities while

waiting for the big time.

You are the drippings from under the

titty bar table.

(intense music)

[Ginger] Got a plan yet?

I'm working on it.

Work harder.

You could help mother fucker.

You're the brains,

I'm the brawn.

Trust me, somehow that jack off is gonna pay.

(both laughing)

What the hell?

Hell is right mother fucker.

We didn't lie!

(intense music)

(flapping)

(splatting)