Original subtitles

Here. Try this.

What is it?

Just try it.

Hey, that's good.

Of course it is. It's chicken in frumunda sauce.

Frumunda sauce?

Yeah, from unda the toilet.

( laughing )

Get it, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

I got it 30 years ago the first time he said it.

Yeah, but it's new to him.

Check this out.

Hey, Jake, what do you call the red mushy stuff

between the elephant's toes?

What? Slow-moving natives.

( laughing )

I love this kid.

He's a comedy blank slate.

Yeah, I'm glad you love him,

but you may not want to share your chopsticks with him.

I think he's coming down with something.

Oh, no.

He thinks it's a head cold, but it's snot.

( laughing )

Wait a minute, you don't know that one either?

Oh, I have so much to teach you, grasshopper.

Hey, do you know how to make arm farts?

Charlie...

Charlie...

not at the dinner table.

I'll show you later.

Hey, before I forget, you got plans for tomorrow night?

No. Make some.

I'm going to need the house to myself.

Fine.

Don't you want to know why?

Uh, Jake, if you're done,

you can go to your room and start your homework.

Oh, this is about sex, right?

Kids today, huh?

Doesn't know frumunda sauce, but gets why I need the house.

Dude, I got a bunch of jokes

you're going to love in a year or two.

Cool!

Go.

You think I'm just a kid, but I'm snot.

Wait. That's not right.

Okay. Have you ever had revenge sex?

Hang on.

Jake, are you in your room?

( footsteps running across floor )

JAKE: Yeah.

Revenge sex?

Is that, uh, anything like pity sex?

Whole different animal.

Ah.

Let me break it down for you.

There's this woman, Kathy. Lives up the beach.

Beautiful woman. I've wanted her for years.

Only one problem.

She's married to kind of a friend of mine.

Kind of a friend?

Well, I never really liked him, but he had a hot wife.

So the sanctity of marriage does slow you down a bit.

I'm impressed.

Thank you.

But then I catch a break.

He cheats on her with her best friend.

She throws him out.

So now I'm thinking she's going to want justice.

Justice meaning revenge sex with you?

You see it, too, huh?

Yeah, you're going to exploit someone's anger and grief

for your own animal gratification.

Hey, I don't bitch about your hobbies.

Anyway, she's coming over here on Sunday,

so I'm going to need you to be out of the way

because we'll probably be moving from room to room.

I'll catch a movie.

Just mop up when you're done.

You got it.

I told you, don't take things off his plate.

He's coming down with something.

Relax. I never get sick.

Boy...

is he sick.

( blows nose )

Well, I can't say he didn't warn me.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

How you feeling?

Horrible.

Is that tea?

Yeah.

Ah.

Look, I know I said

I wanted you out of the house for my date tonight,

but you're obviously indisposed, so don't worry about it.

Thank you.

Just stay in your room

so the coughing and hacking doesn't kill the mood.

Anything else I can do to enhance your evening?

Well, do you know how to work my camcorder?

I'm bored. What are we going to do today?

I don't know. Why don't we make some lunch and figure something out.

Cool.

Excuse me!

Has anyone noticed I'm sick and miserable here?

Yes, Alan, we noticed.

Which is why we're gonna make like hockey players

and get the puck outta here.

Get it, Dad?

Puck's not a bad word, but it sounds like one.

Yeah, hilarious.

Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Let's make like soccer players

and get our big... leather balls out of here.

Good one.

Hey, you know, I caught this from you.

How come you're not sick?

I am. ( sniffles, coughs ) See?

He's just not being a baby about it.

( knocking ): Hi.

Oh, perfect.

Rose, this isn't the best time.

Alan's pretty sick.

Oh, no...

Poor Alan.

Is Charlie taking good care of you?

Not really.

Would you like me to take care of you?

Not really.

Oh, don't be silly. Move over.

Rose, Rose...

wh-what... what are you doing?

I'm transmitting healing energy

from my body to yours.

( humming )

Looks like you're in good hands.

Come on, Jake.

I don't think that's gonna help him.

No, but it helps us.

Is he going to be able to take me back to Mom's later?

Don't worry. If he can't, I will.

Hey, how can you tell

if an elephant's been in your refrigerator?

How?

There's footprints in the cheesecake.

But we don't have a cheesecake.

That's the part you don't buy?

( humming )

Do you feel the healing energy?

If I say yes, will you get off me?

( knocking ): Hello?

Mom?

For God's sake, Alan,

I sit on that couch.

Mom, I'm sick.

We're all sick, darling, but we use discretion.

No, he has the flu, Evelyn.

Oh, you poor baby.

What can Mommy do for you?

It's okay. I'll manage.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Now what do you need?

I don't know.

I am kind of thirsty.

Well, then, you should be drinking lots of fluids.

ALAN: Okay.

Would you like a nice, hot bowl

of my special chicken noodle soup?

That would be nice.

Rose, call Greenblatt's

and have them send over some soup.

As a matter of fact, I'm famished.

Order me...

Order me

a turkey on rye with maybe a little Swiss.

Oh, on second thought, delivery takes forever.

Would you care to join me for lunch?

What about Alan?

Oh, we'll have something sent back for him.

ROSE: Okay.

So what's Charlie been up to?

Well... what do you know about revenge sex?

Quite a bit, actually.

I'm still thirsty.

Hey.

Looking good.

That's not very hygienic.

We wash dishes in that sink.

Well, somebody does.

Did the chicken soup Mom sent over from Greenblatt's

ever show up?

Nope.

Well, I'm glad you got some rest 'cause I have got great news.

There is no great news.

There's no light at the end of the tunnel.

There's no silver lining.

There's just this hell on earth

and the slow wait for the sweet release of death.

Okay, let's call it good news.

The girl I'm going out with tonight

needs a date for her sister.

Are you insane?

No, but I hear the sister's a bit of a freak.

Jake...

Jake, go to your room.

If you want to talk about sex, why don't you go to your room?

Now.

Fine.

Charlie, first of all,

I don't want to talk about dating in front of my son

while his mother and I are in the middle of a divorce.

Okay, okay, that's very caring and sensitive.

Now let me tell you

about Revenge Sex's little sister, Casual.

All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am,

I wouldn't go on a blind double date with you.

Why not?

Summer of my junior year?

The Seals and Crofts concert?

You got the incredible cheerleader,

and I got her sister, the incredible Hulk?

Oh, yeah...

She really took a shine to you.

Sure did.

"Sarah like puny Alan."

Well, you weren't complaining

when you were on her shoulders, shouting "Summer Breeze."

Forget it, Charlie. Forget it.

Alan, trust me.

I've seen the sister.

Her name is Desiree.

I don't care what her name is.

Desiree, Alan.

That's like desire with a "yay!" at the end.

She's an actress on some soap opera.

Really? Which one?

I don't know.

The Bold and the Bulimic or something.

Are you guys done yet?

Yeah, we're done.

Now we're gonna get your father back on his feet.

How?

Well...

would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs?

Sure! Charlie?!

This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.

So, we just sit here and be hot?

Yep.

This sucks.

( hawking gag )

That's good.

Get it out now, 'cause most women hate that noise.

I'm not going on a date tonight.

You don't know that.

I didn't start this day

thinking we'd all be sitting together bare-ass naked,

but here we are.

Hey, Dad, want to hear a funny joke?

Sure. Why not?

Okay, there's a priest, a minister and a rabbit.

That's a rabbi, Jake.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi.

I forgot the rest.

I got to go to the bathroom.

Wait. You know why they call this

a European health spa?

'Cause you're a-peein'.

He's gonna kill 'em at school tomorrow.

Charlie, I'm not going on a date.

Oh, come on, Alan.

If you don't do this,

then I'm not going to get the revenge sex.

And I really want the revenge sex.

I really, really do!

I'm sorry.

It's not that I don't appreciate you

pimping me out on my death bed.

It's just that... I'm not ready to date.

Not ready?

Look, Alan, if you think you're protecting Jake

by living like a monk, you're wrong.

He needs to know that

his father's moving on with his life, that he's happy.

It's not about Jake.

I haven't been on a date since college.

There's nothing to worry about. Just be yourself.

The one woman who knows me better than anyone in the world...

threw me out.

So "be yourself" is not exactly comforting advice.

Good point.

Okay, look at it this way.

It took your wife 12 years to get sick of you.

All you've got to do here is snow some broad for one night.

( door closes )

Okay, a priest, a minister,

and a rabbi walk into a barn.

It's a bar, Jake.

Not a barn, a bar.

It is?

Now I get it. That's funny.

Okay, I dropped Jake off at his mom's,

and the girls should be here in a little while for drinks.

Is this the sister?

Desiree Barrington from The Young and the Restless?

Yeah.

You want me to go on a date with Desiree Barrington?

Yeah.

( hacking coughs )

Ah! I'm healed.

It's a miracle.

Attaboy.

( coughing )

Are you okay?

Yeah. Why?

Well, you're coughing.

You're sweating.

Charlie, you're burning up.

No, your hand is freezing.

No, I-I think you're coming down with what I've got.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I never get sick.

Now listen, I made reservations at the Ivy.

I figure we'll take 'em out for an early dinner, and then...

And then what?

Hang on a second.

( bellowing retch )

Anyway, we'll take 'em to the Ivy...

( coughs )

Here. This will make you feel better.

Thanks.

Okay.

Why don't you go upstairs and change

because we really want to look our best for our dates.

What are you talking about?

I'm not going on a date.

Yeah, you are.

Come on, Charlie. Desiree Barrington.

Nominated for two daytime Emmys.

Named "most promising ingenue" by Soap Opera Digest.

She totally

revitalized The Young and the Restless.

Occasionally I have lunch at my desk and watch a little TV.

Tell Jake I loved him.

Courage, Charlie.

I was going to suck it up for you.

No, you weren't.

Okay, you got me.

Look, you helped me feel better, and now I'll help you.

You want to help me, Alan?

Find a gun and shoot me in the eye.

No, I was thinking

I could give you a chiropractic adjustment.

You could also do my hair, but what would be the point?

Chiropractics is not just about back ailments.

It's-it's a holistic approach to wellness

that includes unblocking pathways in the nervous system

so that the body can heal itself.

Oh... ( blows raspberry )

Excuse me?

Wh-Wh-What is...? ( blows raspberry )

Alan, I never told you this before.

Uh-huh.

I guess now is as good a time as any.

I think what you do for a living...

is a total crock.

What?

Don't take it personally, but you chiropractic guys

are just masseuses without the happy endings, right?

You think I'm some kind of phony?

Th-Th-That my profession is some kind of con?

Well, let's be honest.

You only became a chiropractor

'cause you couldn't get into medical school.

I got into medical school!

I just didn't want to spend four years at Guadalajara.

So instead, you spent, what?

Two weeks at Back Snapper U.?

It was two years.

And since we're being honest,

let me tell you about what I think about what you do,

Mr. Jingle Writer.

You're not a musician, you're a salesman,

and you know what you sell?

Crap!

Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?

Maple Loops?

Hey, hey, Maple Loops is part

of a nutritious, balanced breakfast.

Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli.

Let me tell you another thing.

You had a shot at a real career.

You-you could have played in great bands.

You could have been a respected studio musician.

Don't you think I wanted that?

I tried, Alan, and I failed.

Truth is, if I hadn't started writing jingles,

I'd be playing faculty mixers at the Guadalajara Medical School.

Well... since you're being honest,

I guess I can admit...

I didn't really get into Guadalajara.

I guess neither of us is doing exactly what we dreamed about

when we were kids.

No, I guess not.

But you know, we could be doing a lot worse.

Yes, we could.

Excuse me.

( bellowing retch )

You know what's nice though?

This. Right now.

Taking care of each other like we did when we were kids.

Well, no one else was going to take care of us.

We're on our own.

Yeah.

Dad was gone, and Mom would...

What are you doing?

( loud crack ) Hey!

Oh.

How do you feel?

Actually, a little better.

Ha.

"Total crock," huh?

Lay down. I'll do your back.

Yeah, I-I-I'm fine, thanks.

No, really. It'll help.

I mean it, Alan.

Keep your hands away from me.

Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby.

I'm not a baby.

I just don't like a man touching me.

But it'll feel good.

I let you do it to me once.

That was enough.

ALAN: And you liked it.

Oh, now come on. Let me just finish the job,

and you'll be ready for when the women get here.

No.

Just relax.

( car door slams )

Wait.

( second door slams ) Car doors.

They're here. Uh...

How do I look?

Great, great. Me?

Very nice.

Yeah.

Come here.

Okay.

Thank you.

( coughs )

Is that the doorbell?

Alan, relax.

Chicks are always late.

I guess.

What about that?

What about what?

The doorbell.

Alan, relax.

Chicks are always late.

I guess.

Now that was the doorbell.

Uh-huh.