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1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,337
Here. Try this.
2
00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:03,971
What is it?
3
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,206
Just try it.
4
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:07,608
Hey, that's good.
5
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,777
Of course it is.
It's chicken in frumunda sauce.
6
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,112
Frumunda sauce?
7
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,813
Yeah, from unda the toilet.
8
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,416
( laughing )
9
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:16,584
Get it, Dad?
10
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:17,851
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
11
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,354
I got it 30 years ago
the first time he said it.
12
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,156
Yeah, but it's new to him.
13
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,624
Check this out.
14
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,959
Hey, Jake, what do you call
the red mushy stuff
15
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,295
between the elephant's toes?
16
00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,130
What?
Slow-moving natives.
17
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:30,664
( laughing )
18
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:31,732
I love this kid.
19
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,267
He's a comedy blank slate.
20
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:34,868
Yeah, I'm glad you love him,
21
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,837
but you may not want to share
your chopsticks with him.
22
00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,306
I think he's coming down
with something.
23
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,640
Oh, no.
24
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,975
He thinks it's a head cold,
but it's snot.
25
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,444
( laughing )
26
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:46,214
Wait a minute,
you don't know
that one either?
27
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,782
Oh, I have so much to
teach you, grasshopper.
28
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,652
Hey, do you know
how to make arm farts?
29
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:52,586
Charlie...
30
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:53,687
Charlie...
31
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:54,622
not at the dinner table.
32
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:55,689
I'll show you later.
33
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,293
Hey, before I forget, you got
plans for tomorrow night?
34
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,561
No.
Make some.
35
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:03,364
I'm going to need
the house to myself.
36
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,732
Fine.
37
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:05,866
Don't you want to know why?
38
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,201
Uh, Jake, if you're done,
39
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,737
you can go to your room
and start your homework.
40
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,472
Oh, this is about sex, right?
41
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:14,342
Kids today, huh?
42
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,610
Doesn't know frumunda sauce,
but gets why I need the house.
43
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,079
Dude, I got
a bunch of jokes
44
00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,914
you're going to love
in a year or two.
45
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:21,915
Cool!
46
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,384
Go.
47
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:26,554
You think I'm just a kid,
but I'm snot.
48
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,690
Wait. That's not right.
49
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:35,663
Okay. Have you ever had
revenge sex?
50
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:36,897
Hang on.
51
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,332
Jake, are you in your room?
52
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:39,933
( footsteps running
across floor )
53
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,535
JAKE:
Yeah.
54
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,172
Revenge sex?
55
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,207
Is that, uh,
anything like pity sex?
56
00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,475
Whole different animal.
57
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,542
Ah.
58
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,244
Let me break it down for you.
59
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,480
There's this woman, Kathy.
Lives up the beach.
60
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,215
Beautiful woman.
I've wanted her for years.
61
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:55,649
Only one problem.
62
00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,051
She's married to kind
of a friend of mine.
63
00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,553
Kind of a friend?
64
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:02,423
Well, I never really liked him,
but he had a hot wife.
65
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:05,593
So the sanctity of marriage
does slow you down a bit.
66
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:06,594
I'm impressed.
67
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,795
Thank you.
68
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,029
But then I catch a break.
69
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,198
He cheats on her
with her best friend.
70
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,799
She throws him out.
71
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:14,335
So now I'm thinking
she's going to want justice.
72
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:16,670
Justice meaning
revenge sex with you?
73
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,606
You see it, too, huh?
74
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,309
Yeah, you're going to exploit
someone's anger and grief
75
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,710
for your own
animal gratification.
76
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,745
Hey, I don't bitch
about your hobbies.
77
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,682
Anyway, she's coming
over here on Sunday,
78
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,484
so I'm going to need you
to be out of the way
79
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,320
because we'll probably be
moving from room to room.
80
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,421
I'll catch a movie.
81
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,589
Just mop up when you're done.
82
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:36,724
You got it.
83
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,492
I told you,
don't take things off his plate.
84
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,361
He's coming down with something.
85
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,896
Relax. I never get sick.
86
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,665
Boy...
87
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,099
is he sick.
88
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,635
( blows nose )
89
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,440
Well, I can't say
he didn't warn me.
90
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,177
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
91
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,313
* Men... *
92
00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,854
How you feeling?
93
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,457
Horrible.
94
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,659
Is that tea?
95
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:12,693
Yeah.
96
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,966
Ah.
97
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,669
Look, I know I said
98
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,604
I wanted you out of the house
for my date tonight,
99
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,773
but you're obviously indisposed,
so don't worry about it.
100
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:26,474
Thank you.
101
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,041
Just stay in your room
102
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:30,811
so the coughing and hacking
doesn't kill the mood.
103
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,615
Anything else I can do
to enhance your evening?
104
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:39,287
Well, do you know
how to work my camcorder?
105
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,923
I'm bored.
What are we going to do today?
106
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,726
I don't know. Why don't
we make some lunch and
figure something out.
107
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:46,226
Cool.
108
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,728
Excuse me!
109
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,298
Has anyone noticed
I'm sick and miserable here?
110
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,699
Yes, Alan, we noticed.
111
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,568
Which is why we're gonna
make like hockey players
112
00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,069
and get the puck outta here.
113
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,538
Get it, Dad?
114
00:03:57,605 --> 00:04:00,341
Puck's not a bad word,
but it sounds like one.
115
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,277
Yeah, hilarious.
116
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,478
Hey, Uncle Charlie.
117
00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:06,414
Let's make like soccer players
118
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,249
and get our big... leather balls
out of here.
119
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,585
Good one.
120
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,986
Hey, you know,
I caught this from you.
121
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,254
How come you're not sick?
122
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,590
I am. ( sniffles, coughs ) See?
123
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,828
He's just not being
a baby about it.
124
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,063
( knocking ):
Hi.
125
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,832
Oh, perfect.
126
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:29,036
Rose, this isn't the best time.
127
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,804
Alan's pretty sick.
128
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,407
Oh, no...
129
00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:34,675
Poor Alan.
130
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:37,077
Is Charlie taking
good care of you?
131
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:38,579
Not really.
132
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:42,015
Would you like me
to take care of you?
133
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,884
Not really.
134
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,086
Oh, don't be silly.
Move over.
135
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,521
Rose, Rose...
136
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,558
wh-what... what are you doing?
137
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,161
I'm transmitting
healing energy
138
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,296
from my body to yours.
139
00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,733
( humming )
140
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,170
Looks like you're in good hands.
141
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,938
Come on, Jake.
142
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,375
I don't think
that's gonna help him.
143
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,042
No, but it helps us.
144
00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:16,249
Is he going to be able
to take me back to Mom's later?
145
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,586
Don't worry.
If he can't, I will.
146
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,053
Hey, how can you tell
147
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,122
if an elephant's been
in your refrigerator?
148
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,457
How?
149
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:26,126
There's footprints
in the cheesecake.
150
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,261
But we don't have a cheesecake.
151
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,331
That's the part you don't buy?
152
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:35,669
( humming )
153
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,539
Do you feel
the healing energy?
154
00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:43,744
If I say yes,
will you get off me?
155
00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:45,679
( knocking ):
Hello?
156
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:46,447
Mom?
157
00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,916
For God's sake, Alan,
158
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,918
I sit on that couch.
159
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,420
Mom, I'm sick.
160
00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:55,656
We're all sick, darling,
but we use discretion.
161
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:59,092
No, he has
the flu, Evelyn.
162
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,361
Oh, you poor baby.
163
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,964
What can Mommy do for you?
164
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,033
It's okay. I'll manage.
165
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,334
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
166
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:08,902
Now what do you need?
167
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:09,637
I don't know.
168
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,705
I am kind of thirsty.
169
00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,541
Well, then, you should be
drinking lots of fluids.
170
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:16,810
ALAN:
Okay.
171
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:19,547
Would you like
a nice, hot bowl
172
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,616
of my special
chicken noodle soup?
173
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,251
That would be nice.
174
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,553
Rose, call Greenblatt's
175
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,421
and have them
send over some soup.
176
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:30,791
As a matter of fact,
I'm famished.
177
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,159
Order me...
178
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,561
Order me
179
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,829
a turkey on rye
with maybe a little Swiss.
180
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,265
Oh, on second thought,
delivery takes forever.
181
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,167
Would you care
to join me for lunch?
182
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,403
What about Alan?
183
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,506
Oh, we'll have something
sent back for him.
184
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,541
ROSE:
Okay.
185
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,042
So what's Charlie
been up to?
186
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,679
Well... what do you know
about revenge sex?
187
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,748
Quite a bit, actually.
188
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,788
I'm still thirsty.
189
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,476
Hey.
190
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,844
Looking good.
191
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:35,723
That's not very hygienic.
192
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,091
We wash dishes in that sink.
193
00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,594
Well, somebody does.
194
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,163
Did the chicken soup
Mom sent over from Greenblatt's
195
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,598
ever show up?
196
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,736
Nope.
197
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:56,176
Well, I'm glad you got some rest
'cause I have got great news.
198
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,545
There is no great news.
199
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,447
There's no light
at the end of the tunnel.
200
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,216
There's no silver lining.
201
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,620
There's just this hell on earth
202
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:12,092
and the slow wait
for the sweet release of death.
203
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,830
Okay, let's call it good news.
204
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,267
The girl I'm going out with
tonight
205
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,802
needs a date for her sister.
206
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,641
Are you insane?
207
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,811
No, but I hear
the sister's a bit of a freak.
208
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,379
Jake...
209
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,114
Jake, go to your room.
210
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:37,250
If you want to talk about sex,
why don't you go to your room?
211
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:39,887
Now.
212
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,121
Fine.
213
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,656
Charlie, first of all,
214
00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,524
I don't want to talk
about dating in front of my son
215
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,694
while his mother and I are
in the middle of a divorce.
216
00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,462
Okay, okay, that's very caring
and sensitive.
217
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,764
Now let me tell you
218
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:54,668
about Revenge Sex's
little sister, Casual.
219
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:59,206
All right, even if I weren't
deathly ill, which I am,
220
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:02,475
I wouldn't go on a blind
double date with you.
221
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,443
Why not?
222
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:05,345
Summer of my junior year?
223
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:07,615
The Seals and Crofts concert?
224
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,750
You got the incredible
cheerleader,
225
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:12,586
and I got her sister,
the incredible Hulk?
226
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,555
Oh, yeah...
227
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:18,091
She really took a shine to you.
228
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,559
Sure did.
229
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,895
"Sarah like puny Alan."
230
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,396
Well, you weren't complaining
231
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:26,834
when you were on her shoulders,
shouting "Summer Breeze."
232
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,069
Forget it, Charlie.
Forget it.
233
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:30,203
Alan, trust me.
234
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,639
I've seen the sister.
235
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,473
Her name is Desiree.
236
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,608
I don't care what her name is.
237
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,209
Desiree, Alan.
238
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:39,246
That's like desire
with a "yay!" at the end.
239
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,582
She's an actress
on some soap opera.
240
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:43,550
Really? Which one?
241
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:44,852
I don't know.
242
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,553
The Bold and the Bulimic
or something.
243
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,155
Are you guys done yet?
244
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,389
Yeah, we're done.
245
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,458
Now we're gonna get your father
back on his feet.
246
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:52,559
How?
247
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,894
Well...
248
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,697
would you like to go see
a bunch of naked boobs?
249
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,932
Sure!
Charlie?!
250
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,906
This was a dirty trick,
Uncle Charlie.
251
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,287
So, we just sit here
and be hot?
252
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,423
Yep.
253
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,926
This sucks.
254
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:29,462
( hawking gag )
255
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:30,931
That's good.
256
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,267
Get it out now, 'cause
most women hate that noise.
257
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,604
I'm not going
on a date tonight.
258
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:38,538
You don't know that.
259
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:40,007
I didn't start this day
260
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,609
thinking we'd all be sitting
together bare-ass naked,
261
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,411
but here we are.
262
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,215
Hey, Dad, want to hear
a funny joke?
263
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,416
Sure. Why not?
264
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:53,153
Okay, there's a priest,
a minister and a rabbit.
265
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,421
That's a rabbi, Jake.
266
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,455
Oh, yeah.
267
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:56,656
Okay.
268
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:59,760
A priest, a minister
and a rabbi.
269
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:00,861
I forgot the rest.
270
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:03,263
I got to go to the bathroom.
271
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,733
Wait. You know why
they call this
272
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,334
a European health spa?
273
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,702
'Cause you're a-peein'.
274
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,106
He's gonna kill 'em
at school tomorrow.
275
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,476
Charlie, I'm not
going on a date.
276
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,711
Oh, come on, Alan.
277
00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,079
If you don't do this,
278
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,081
then I'm not going to get
the revenge sex.
279
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,950
And I really want
the revenge sex.
280
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,218
I really, really do!
281
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,787
I'm sorry.
282
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,789
It's not that I
don't appreciate you
283
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,291
pimping me out
on my death bed.
284
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:35,062
It's just that...
I'm not ready to date.
285
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,296
Not ready?
286
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,331
Look, Alan, if you think
you're protecting Jake
287
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,432
by living like a monk,
you're wrong.
288
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,101
He needs to know that
289
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,536
his father's moving on
with his life, that he's happy.
290
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,072
It's not about Jake.
291
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,975
I haven't been on
a date since college.
292
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,910
There's nothing to worry about.
Just be yourself.
293
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:53,446
The one woman who knows
me better than anyone
in the world...
294
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:55,115
threw me out.
295
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:58,351
So "be yourself" is not
exactly comforting advice.
296
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,790
Good point.
297
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:04,024
Okay, look at it this way.
298
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,061
It took your wife 12 years
to get sick of you.
299
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:11,531
All you've got to do here is
snow some broad for one night.
300
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:12,766
( door closes )
301
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,101
Okay, a priest, a minister,
302
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,203
and a rabbi
walk into a barn.
303
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,305
It's a bar, Jake.
304
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,407
Not a barn, a bar.
305
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,275
It is?
306
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:25,312
Now I get it.
That's funny.
307
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:37,257
Okay, I dropped Jake off
at his mom's,
308
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:40,360
and the girls should be here
in a little while for drinks.
309
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,529
Is this the sister?
310
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,265
Desiree Barrington from
The Young and the Restless?
311
00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:46,533
Yeah.
312
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:51,571
You want me to go on a date
with Desiree Barrington?
313
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,705
Yeah.
314
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,008
( hacking coughs )
315
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,446
Ah! I'm healed.
316
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,448
It's a miracle.
317
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:02,549
Attaboy.
318
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,785
( coughing )
319
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,454
Are you okay?
320
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,755
Yeah. Why?
321
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:09,890
Well, you're coughing.
322
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,458
You're sweating.
323
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,095
Charlie, you're burning up.
324
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,965
No, your hand is freezing.
325
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:21,969
No, I-I think you're coming down
with what I've got.
326
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:22,970
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
327
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,105
I never get sick.
328
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,408
Now listen,
I made reservations at the Ivy.
329
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:32,145
I figure we'll take 'em out
for an early dinner, and then...
330
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,386
And then what?
331
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,288
Hang on a second.
332
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:53,466
( bellowing retch )
333
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,612
Anyway, we'll take 'em
to the Ivy...
334
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,322
( coughs )
335
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:20,293
Here. This will make
you feel better.
336
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,664
Thanks.
337
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,799
Okay.
338
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,735
Why don't you go upstairs
and change
339
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:32,205
because we really want
to look our best for our dates.
340
00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,806
What are you talking about?
341
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,508
I'm not going on a date.
342
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,144
Yeah, you are.
343
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,679
Come on, Charlie.
Desiree Barrington.
344
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,781
Nominated for two daytime Emmys.
345
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:45,718
Named "most promising ingenue"
by Soap Opera Digest.
346
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,287
She totally
347
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,922
revitalized
The Young and the Restless.
348
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:54,227
Occasionally I have lunch at
my desk and watch a little TV.
349
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:59,099
Tell Jake I loved him.
350
00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,267
Courage, Charlie.
351
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,435
I was going to suck it up
for you.
352
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,037
No, you weren't.
353
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,506
Okay, you got me.
354
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:12,179
Look, you helped me feel better,
and now I'll help you.
355
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,114
You want to help me, Alan?
356
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:17,050
Find a gun
and shoot me in the eye.
357
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,351
No, I was thinking
358
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,221
I could give you
a chiropractic adjustment.
359
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:25,125
You could also do my hair,
but what would be the point?
360
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,095
Chiropractics is not
just about back ailments.
361
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,530
It's-it's a holistic approach
to wellness
362
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:34,101
that includes unblocking
pathways in the nervous system
363
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,536
so that the body
can heal itself.
364
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,572
Oh...
( blows raspberry )
365
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,975
Excuse me?
366
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,177
Wh-Wh-What is...?
( blows raspberry )
367
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:47,380
Alan, I never told you
this before.
368
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,415
Uh-huh.
369
00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,718
I guess now is as good a time
as any.
370
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,622
I think what you do
for a living...
371
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:59,326
is a total crock.
372
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,693
What?
373
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,431
Don't take it personally,
but you chiropractic guys
374
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:08,368
are just masseuses without
the happy endings, right?
375
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,438
You think
I'm some kind of phony?
376
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:14,107
Th-Th-That my profession
is some kind of con?
377
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:15,342
Well, let's be honest.
378
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,277
You only became a chiropractor
379
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,779
'cause you couldn't get
into medical school.
380
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,548
I got into medical school!
381
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:25,852
I just didn't want to spend
four years at Guadalajara.
382
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,954
So instead, you spent, what?
383
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:31,191
Two weeks at Back Snapper U.?
384
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:32,459
It was two years.
385
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,294
And since we're being honest,
386
00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:37,464
let me tell you about
what I think about what you do,
387
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,132
Mr. Jingle Writer.
388
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:41,768
You're not a musician,
you're a salesman,
389
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,336
and you know what you sell?
390
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,137
Crap!
391
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:47,474
Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets?
392
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,441
Maple Loops?
393
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,410
Hey, hey, Maple Loops is part
394
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,812
of a nutritious,
balanced breakfast.
395
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:56,183
Yeah, if you eat it with a steak
and some broccoli.
396
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,818
Let me tell you
another thing.
397
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,120
You had a shot
at a real career.
398
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,688
You-you could have played
in great bands.
399
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,923
You could have been
a respected studio musician.
400
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,892
Don't you think
I wanted that?
401
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:09,096
I tried, Alan, and I failed.
402
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,964
Truth is, if I hadn't started
writing jingles,
403
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:16,469
I'd be playing faculty mixers at
the Guadalajara Medical School.
404
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,306
Well... since
you're being honest,
405
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,342
I guess I can admit...
406
00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,445
I didn't really get
into Guadalajara.
407
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:29,916
I guess neither of us is doing
exactly what we dreamed about
408
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,218
when we were kids.
409
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,885
No, I guess not.
410
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:35,222
But you know,
we could be doing a lot worse.
411
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,357
Yes, we could.
412
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,793
Excuse me.
413
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:53,740
( bellowing retch )
414
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,515
You know what's nice though?
415
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,590
This. Right now.
416
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,992
Taking care of each other
like we did when we were kids.
417
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:16,629
Well, no one else was
going to take care of us.
418
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,631
We're on our own.
419
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:20,167
Yeah.
420
00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,302
Dad was gone,
and Mom would...
421
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,972
What are you doing?
422
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,674
( loud crack )
Hey!
423
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,642
Oh.
424
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,644
How do you feel?
425
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,315
Actually, a little better.
426
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,783
Ha.
427
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,785
"Total crock," huh?
428
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,287
Lay down.
I'll do your back.
429
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:41,954
Yeah, I-I-I'm fine, thanks.
430
00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,089
No, really.
It'll help.
431
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,257
I mean it, Alan.
432
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,459
Keep your hands
away from me.
433
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,261
Oh, come on.
Don't be such a baby.
434
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,596
I'm not a baby.
435
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,264
I just don't like
a man touching me.
436
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,832
But it'll feel good.
437
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:54,000
I let you do it
to me once.
438
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,067
That was enough.
439
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,403
ALAN:
And you liked it.
440
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,371
Oh, now come on.
Let me just
finish the job,
441
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:02,041
and you'll be ready for
when the women get here.
442
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,042
No.
443
00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:04,043
Just relax.
444
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:04,777
( car door slams )
445
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,045
Wait.
446
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,180
( second door slams )
Car doors.
447
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,383
They're here.
Uh...
448
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,154
How do I look?
449
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,992
Great, great. Me?
450
00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:20,993
Very nice.
451
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:21,961
Yeah.
452
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,963
Come here.
453
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,798
Okay.
454
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,804
Thank you.
455
00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:35,174
( coughs )
456
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,127
Is that the doorbell?
457
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,963
Alan, relax.
458
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,165
Chicks are always late.
459
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,800
I guess.
460
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,136
What about that?
461
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,105
What about what?
462
00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,874
The doorbell.
463
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,443
Alan, relax.
464
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:13,012
Chicks are always late.
465
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,315
I guess.
466
00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:19,218
Now that was the doorbell.
467
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,321
Uh-huh.
31383
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