Original subtitles

THEME SONG: Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

I had no friends, no girls would hug me

until I got radioactive ugly.

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

I live in a dump cause the rent's real low.

Got a little pet Blobbie, and he loves me so.

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

Now me and the boys fight against wrong, though we're

hideously deformed.

Hey, I'm sitting on top of the world.

With my mop, tutu, and girl.

Whoa!

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): We were sitting around the toxic dump,

watching a religious film-- "The Giant Praying Mantis From

the Planet Epsilon"-- when suddenly

Junkyard came in, carrying this weird looking hunk of junk.

Hey, Junkyard.

What's that weird looking hunk of junk you're carrying in?

[BARK]

It's a tennis ball launcher.

I put it together from some recycled odds

and ends I found lying around the dump.

Watch how it works.

[SCREAM]

Watch out.

That hurts.

Well, what do you think?

And I thought Fender here was stupid.

What good is a thing like that?

We don't even play tennis.

Well, you never know when John McEnroe might drop in.

Junkyard's right.

You don't want a guy like that ticked off at you.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, wow.

I'll bet that's John now.

That shows what you know.

It's only Toxie's mom.

Only Toxie's mom?

Nice attitude from a guy with two heads.

It's flu season, so I brought you some homemade chicken

soup with matzah balls.

Oy!

[SCREAM]

[CRASH]

[SCREAM]

[CRASH]

Mom, are you feeling all right?

I'd feel a lot better if I had grandchildren.

Huh.

Looks to me like matzah balls are hazardous to you health.

Au contraire, Major.

One of them just broke your picture tube,

and everybody knows that too much television

is bad for your eyes.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, across the bay

in Island Island, our old enemy Killemoff

was welcoming some visitors from his hometown planet, Smogula.

Up left aileron.

No, no.

Left aileron.

You're coming in too low.

Watch your altitude.

Watch your trim lab.

Watch out!

Really, Gerba.

I wish you'd pay more attention to the signals.

Hey, rules are for common riffraff.

I'm a daughter of a czar, remember?

Oh, how could I forget?

[GROAN]

Now someone get me out of this stupid thing!

Allow me, Princess Gerba.

[CRASH]

[GROAN]

Who are you?

Well, I'm Dr. Killemoff, your heaviness-- uh, uh, highness.

Welcome to--

[GROAN]

Planet Earth.

Killemoff, I expect you to look after my little girl

during my visit here.

Understood?

Uh, you mean you're not staying, Your Czarship?

Believe me, this planet isn't big enough for both of us.

I believe you.

Well, I'll be holographing off now.

Ta ta.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Then, fate took a strange twist.

It all started in the Tromaville Mall

where Princess Gerba was fighting

the recession single-handedly.

Ain't you finished shopping yet, Princess Gerba?

These boxes are heavy.

What a couple of wimps.

Quit complaining and join a gym.

This royal princess is a royal pain.

Stop!

Lingerie alert.

Oh, that would look darling on me.

I wonder if it comes in blue.

I wonder if it comes in blimp.

Let's see.

I want that one and that one and that one

and especially that one!

Who is that magnificent creature?

You mean that hideously deformed creature of superhuman

size and strength?

That's the one.

What a hunk!

Yeah, well, forget it.

That's Toxie, and he's already got a girlfriend on this show.

Not anymore he doesn't.

What Gerba wants, Gerba gets.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): This next scene

is kind of embarrassing, because it's all about how cute I am.

So if you don't mind, I'm not going to watch it.

Killemoff, I just met the man of my dreams.

He's lean, he's mean, and he's kind of green.

He sounds, uh, most attractive.

She's talking about Toxic, boss.

Look, I want to marry him.

And I want you to arrange it for me.

I'm sorry, Princess Gerba.

I'm a ruthless villain, not a marriage broker.

You're absolutely right, boss.

Besides, what if something happened at the last minute

to screw up the wedding, and Czar Zosta ended

up madder at you than ever?

Psycho, you babbling idiot!

Why must you always give away the plot?

Sorry, Doc.

I guess it's like biting my nails.

I can't stop.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, back at the dump,

our shack sweet shack was visited

by a mysterious guy in a cape.

Whoever he was, he was a heavy smoker.

[DOORBELL]

Hello?

Hello yourself.

I'd like to show you what's in this suitcase.

[SQUEAK]

[COUGHING]

What in blazes?

Sorry.

He thought you were a Fuller Brush man

trying to sell me a new mop.

Couldn't the idiot see that's it me, Dr. Killlemoff?

Are we alone?

It's just you and me and about seven million viewers.

Good.

Because I have some slides I'd like to show you.

I hope they're not baby pictures.

I get all gushy inside.

After you see these, you'll be all gushy outside, too.

This is a Smogulan muck missile.

Range-- 2,000 light years.

This is Tromaville before.

This is Tromaville after.

How disgusting.

What can I do to keep this from happening?

There's only one way.

Czar Zosta has a daughter named Gerba.

Gerba thinks you're a total hunk.

Gerba wants to marry you.

Gerb.

Now make your choice.

Either you marry Gerba, or Tromaville is

completely buried in garbage.

Which will it be?

I guess I'll have to make the supreme sacrifice.

After all, I'm an environmental superhero.

What can I say but oh.

I'll marry Princess Gerba.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Now that I agreed to marry Gerba,

I figured it was time I broke the news to her.

Princess Gerba, would you marry me?

Oh, why, this is so sudden.

I had no idea you were going to propose.

Have we met?

I'm Toxie, a hideously deformed creature

of superhero size and strength and all around nice guy.

Please say you'll be mine.

What girl could resist such a romantic proposal?

The answer is-- ouch!

Watch it with those pins, you klutz,

or I'll peel you like a grape.

Now what were we discussing?

Oh, yeah, my marrying you.

The answer is yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

[CRASH]

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): When Mayor Grody

found out I was going to marry Princess Gerba,

he got real upset.

Why should I be the only one?

[LAUGHTER]

Imagine Toxie and some overweight

cockroach getting married.

Ew!

How totally gross.

It just gives me the shivers.

Yeah.

You'd think a cockroach would have better taste.

She should have picked you instead.

Then you could become the ruler of Smogula

once her father, the Czar, kicked the bucket.

Which would probably be the same day he found out his daughter

was marrying a crooked mayor.

[GASP]

What a great idea!

I'm surprised you thought of it.

Yeah, me, too.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, on the planet Smogula,

Czar Zosta decided to reach out and touch Dr. Killemoff.

He waited till six o'clock when the rates were lower,

then he called him up holographically.

Hologram for Dr. Killemoff.

Hologram for Dr. Killemoff.

You wished to see me, your royal high and mightiness?

Yes.

How is Gerba's visit progressing?

Splendidly, Czar Zosta.

I was just about to call you, but I

was waiting until after six when the rates are lower.

The Toxic Crusader has asked for your daughter's hands

in marriage-- all four of them.

And she's accepted.

What?

My little Gerba married to the Toxic Crusader?

Now, now, Your Czarship.

You're not losing a daughter.

You're gaining a mop-wielding toxically disfigured,

tutu-wearing mutant.

Hm.

I never thought of it that way.

Besides, with Toxie on our side,

we'll be able to invade Tromaville

without any resistance.

Excellent.

I'll make the wedding arrangements immediately.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): The next part was really tough.

I had to break off my hot and heavy romance with Yvonne.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL]

Why, hello, Toxie.

My woman's intuition tells me that our hot and heavy romance

is over.

Boy, I could never fool you about anything.

Oh, Toxie!

And I thought we had something special.

We did, but something bigger came between us.

Gerba.

It's either marry her or see our beloved Tromaville

completely buried in garbage.

You great big, unselfish lug, you.

I could kiss you for that.

Please, Yvonne, you're not making this any easier.

Hey, forget that bleached blond bimbo.

You belong to me now!

[GASP]

[COUGHING]

Like the song says, when a lovely flame succumbs,

smoke gets in your lungs.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, Dr. Killemoff

was cooking up another of his evil double crosses.

This wedding ceremony will be the perfect chance

for a political coup.

Uh, what's a coup?

A coo is half of coo-coo, you coo-coo.

A coup means an overthrow!

Once Czar Zosta is here on Earth, you two will grab him.

And throw him over?

Oh, I like doing stuff like that.

And then I will become the new ruler of Smogula.

But what if Czar Zosta's brand new son-in-law,

Toxie, defends his brand new family and cleans our clock?

I haven't got time for your psychobabble!

I have a coup to pursue.

(SINGING) When Toxie was stolen by Gerba, my heart

made a sound like a burp-a.

A gut-wrenching blow!

Oh, poor Yvonne.

Her heart is breaking.

[YVONNE SINGING]

YVONNE (SINGING): Oh, I miss him-- (HIGH-PITCHED) so!

Not to mention our mirrors.

That brings us to-- [INAUDIBLE] 56 years of bad luck!

Troops, we've got to do something

to cheer up the little lady.

It's as plain as the nose on No-Zone's face.

What Yvonne needs is a new main squeeze.

Great!

Who are we going to get to date her?

How about me?

Me!

Uh-uh.

Not you, Blobbie.

Someone of her own species.

[SIGH]

I know.

We'll all take her out.

Won't that get kind of crowded?

I didn't mean all of us at once.

We'll take her out one at a time.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): It wasn't easy watching my best

buddies romancing my best girl.

The first lucky stiff was Junkyard.

Junkyard, this picnic was a simply marvelous idea.

And all this time, I thought you were nothing but a hound dog.

I'm a mutt of many moods, Yvonne.

Permit me to dispose of your chicken bones.

Can I get you anything else?

Maybe a shovel?

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Yvonne had just enough time

to wash her hair and take a flea bath before her movie

matinee date with Headbanger.

"Attack of the Zombie Surfers."

Nonsense.

Yvonne is much too intellectual for garbage like that.

We'll see "Paramecium on Parade."

"Zombie Surfers."

No, "Paramecium on Parade."

-"Zombie Surfers." -[INAUDIBLE].

No way! [SCREAM]

[FIGHTING]

While you're at it, take this, too.

No, take this, too.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): While all this dating was going on,

Dr. Killemoff was going over his latest dirty scheme

to Bonehead and Psycho.

Now here's the plan.

Bonehead, Psycho, grab the end of this scroll and run.

What's this thing, boss?

A giant roll of super sticky fly paper.

I plan to trap Czar Zosta in it and make him bend to my will.

--Yeah.

That should really bug him.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCREAM]

No!

No!

Look out!

[GRUNT]

[CRASH]

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Major Disaster-- nature lover

that he is-- took Yvonne for a romantic stroll

under the trees.

[CLEARING THROAT]

Yvonne, your eyes are the color of, uh, Kentucky bluegrass

just after it's been fertilized.

Why, Major Disaster, you sweet talker, you.

Oh, look at those gorgeous bananas.

Would you like one?

That's easy.

Yo, banana tree, we'll have a ripe on to go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[STRETCHING SOUND]

This looks like a good one.

[GRUNT]

[SCREAM]

[QUACKING]

[COUGHING]

One good thing about this date-- at least

I won't have to take another bath.

[COUGHING]

Killemoff, how many times have I told you never

to hologram when I'm eating?

Forgive me, Your Beedleness.

It's about the wedding.

Sorry, Killemoff.

Only family and close friends are invited.

I came to tell you that I'd be honored

to pay for the entire thing.

Well, in that case, maybe I could sneak you in.

Oh, you won't regret it, sir.

It will be a lovely ceremony.

It had better be!

Now bug off, Killemoff!

BONEHEAD: Hey, welcome back, Doc.

How was the trip?

Excellent.

That bloated bug walked right into my trap.

Soon you lunkheads will be looking

at the new czar of Smogula.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): There was only one

man in all of Tromaville who was jealous

of my upcoming nuptials.

You guessed it-- Mayor Grody.

He still had hopes of marrying Gerba himself

and becoming Czar Zosta's son-in-law.

Finally, he saw his big moment.

What is it, Gerba?

Look, frozen yogurt!

I'm really into health foods.

Which flavor do you want?

All of them!

Oh, hey, what's this?

A surprise bridal shower?

[LAUGHTER]

I hope it's one of those where everyone brings a dish.

And they had left was broccoli.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

She's gone.

There's something suspicious about this.

It's not like Gerba to run off when there's food on the way.

Uh oh!

My tromatons are kicking in.

It's those tire tracks.

There's something evil about them.

I'll just bet there's some connection between them

and my missing bride-to-be.

GERBA: Are we at the bridal shower already?

Oh, is that barbecue I smell?

Just bring me half a cow.

I want to leave room for dessert.

Ta-da!

Aw, you must be the male stripper.

No.

I'm the true love of your life.

Can't you see?

We're two of a kind.

I Forget Toxie.

Meh.

Marry me.

I'm bugs about you.

Yeah, well, you've won me over, mysterious stranger.

What girl can resist such a romantically dashing approach?

Take me!

I'm yours.

[GROAN]

This will just be a little fling, you realize.

Nothing heavy.

Gerba, what's going on here?

Uh, Toxie, thank goodness you're here.

This horrible thing tried to take advantage

of my girlish innocence.

And worse than that, he stole Mayor Grody's limousine.

Take that, you beast!

TOXIE: It's some kind of weird martian creature.

I'll take care of him.

Shoo.

Scat.

Go back to your own planet.

Oh, my brave, hunky hero!

I am the luckiest girl in the entire universe.

Mwah!

[SQUEAK]

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Finally, the big day

arrived, along with the Smogulan wedding party.

Actually, I was pretty impressed.

Are you with the groom's family or the bride's?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't notice your mandible.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Meanwhile, in his Island City penthouse,

Dr. Killemoff was about to put his vicious scheme into action.

All right, men.

I'm about to put my vicious scheme into action.

Is there an echo in here?

Nah.

You're just hearing things.

Hearing things.

Hearing things.

Round up the Radiation Rangers and wait for my signal.

Right, boss.

I can't wait to return to the planet Smogula

as their new leader.

Best of all, the TV reception is so much better there.

Dearly beloved, let the wedding ceremony begin.

Hit it!

(SINGING) Here comes the bride and groom so happy,

but I feel so doomed.

Cause while they're off on their honeymoon,

I'll sit all alone in my cramped little room.

I guess I'm doomed to a life of gloom.

Until they put me in my tomb.

(HIGH-PITCHED SINGING)

[HOWLING]

[CRYING]

Do you, Princess Gerba, take this hideously deformed

creature of superhuman size and strength

to be your awfully wedded husband?

You bet your antenna I do.

And do you, Toxie, take this incredibly

gorgeous specimen of womanhood for your woof-- I-- I mean,

wife?

What are my choices again?

He does already.

Now get on with it!

I'm starved!

If there's anyone present who sees any reason why

these two should not be joined in marriage, let him speak now

or forever keep a lid on it.

I hate to interrupt this touching scene,

but I'm about to overthrow Czar Zosta.

It'll just take a second.

Hit the deck, insects!

[SCREAMING]

Killemoff, you'll pay for this!

Just send me the bill!

[LAUGHTER]

Toxic Crusaders, it's clean up time.

That's all I needed to hear.

[SNEEZING]

Hey, fellas!

Have some punch.

It's a knock out.

Watch this, Toxie's mom.

It's called lawn bowling.

[CRASH]

Ooh, boy.

You got a perfect strike.

Someone get me out of here!

That's a royal command!

Don't worry, future father-in-law.

I'll handle this.

[SCREAM]

Here.

Let me help you to your feet-- or whatever those things are.

Son, in exchange for freeing us,

I'm postponing the muck missile attack on Tromaville til

next Tuesday.

Gosh.

And I thought you were a bad guy.

I am.

You just happened to catch me on an off day.

Why do these things always happen to me?

I'll get you for this, Killemoff!

You can run, but you cannot hide!

Sorry about the interruption, Gerba.

But this always happens towards the end of our show.

We can get on with the wedding now.

Aw, forget it, zits for brains.

I decided to marry someone else.

This is the famous Chef Wolfgag Yuck.

We have so much in common.

Come on, Wolfie.

Let's go back to Smogula and get to know

each other over four or five dozen of your famous pizzas.

Hot diggity dogs.

Now you won't have to marry that bow wow Gerba.

[CHEERS]

Yvonne, did you hear the good news?

Gerba dumped me.

I'm all yours.

That's the best news I've heard since my last dental check up.

Doesn't that wedding cake give you some ideas?

It sure does.

Wouldn't it be a shame to let it go to waste?

It sure world.

Come on, guys.

Chow time!

All right!

Save me some icing.

[CHATTER]

Come with me, darling.

I'll make you a nice bowl of matzah ball soup.

[MUSIC PLAYING]