Original subtitles

THEME SONG: Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

I had no friends, no girls would hug me

until I got radioactive ugly.

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

I live in a dump cause the rent's real low.

Got a little pet Blobbie, and he loves me so.

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

Now me and the boys fight against wrong, though we're

hideously deformed.

Hey, I'm sitting on top of the world.

With my mop, tutu, and girl.

Whoa!

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic Crusaders.

Toxic!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): It all started

on Island City, the home of that notorious bad guy

known as Dr. Killemoff.

At last, the moment is at hand.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): At last, the moment was at hand.

Soon hordes of pollution-breathing aliens

from the planet Smogula will be arriving

to take over Tromaville.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Soon hordes of pollution-breathing aliens

from the planet Smogula would be arriving

to take over Tromaville.

Is there an echo in here?

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): Oops.

Maybe I better let this story unravel by itself.

Maybe you'd better.

I must arrange a suitable landing

site for my fellow Smogulans.

Any suggestions, Mayor Grody?

[GRUNT]

Uh, what about the Tromaville old folks' home.

It's spacious, convenient, and you

can walk to the supermarket.

Smogulans don't have feet.

They have little wheels.

That's even better.

All the curbs at the home have wheelchair ramps.

Yeah, boss.

And the old geezers will be a cinch to throw out.

[HICCUP]

Bonehead is right.

I remember how easy it was to throw my own dear mother out

of the house.

She weighed practically nothing.

I like it!

Psycho, fill the spray tanks with pollution solution.

Bonehead!

Take a platoon of Radiation Rangers,

and toss those old duffers off the property.

Yeah.

And you said there was no fringe benefits to this job.

I'm worried, boss.

Like, what if the Toxic Crusader's mom happens

to be friends with one of those old biddies,

and she calls on the Toxic Crusaders to help?

And he and his fellow mutant creatures

kick butt on our Radiation Rangers?

What a preposterous idea!

No wonder they call you Psycho.

Who dumped this mess?

Quit complaining, Major Disaster.

You're winning all the chips.

[MONSTER NOISES]

Yeah, but Blobbie keeps eating them all.

Hey, man.

Like, quit scoping out my cards, OK?

These aren't your cards.

They're my cards.

Says who?

Says me.

Oh, yeah?

Ow!

Slap me, will you?

Ouch.

Oh, yeah?

Well, take this one.

[FIGHTING]

Headbanger, stop!

If entire nations can learn to get along,

why can't one two-headed person?

[GROAN]

Let me sing you a little song that expresses

it a lot better than I can.

I wish she'd find someone who can

sing a lot better than she can.

(SINGING) Folks should like each other like a mother likes

her brother and a mister likes his sister and a father-in-law

likes his-- and a father-in-law--

father-in-law likes his-- his-- oh, well, you get the idea.

Wait, everyone.

My tromatons are sending me a warning.

I sense that something evil is afoot in our beloved town

of Tromaville.

YVONNE: Aw, poor little Toxie-woxie.

I bet you're just jealous, because I

didn't sing a song for you.

No, Yvonne.

It's something a lot worse than your singing.

[LAUGHTER] -Is that possible?

Definitely.

This will make you feel all better.

(SINGING) Oh, his friends all call him Toxie,

and he's got a lot of moxie.

He don't come from Billow-oxie, but it's

the only city that rhymes!

[SCREECHES] There.

Feeling better?

You mean since you stopped?

Lots.

[LAUGHTER]

Never better.

Gosh.

Trading my dog for this accordion at that swap meet

was the smartest move I ever, ever made.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAYOR GRODY: That's it.

Keep the line moving.

We got a dozen more vans to fill before--

[BURP]

Lunch break.

Oh, Mayor Grody, you can't do this!

I can do anything I want.

I'm His Honor, the mayor.

But some of my best friends are moldy oldies.

Look, lady, this is official city business.

So butt out!

Oh, unless, of course, you are a registered party voter.

[HICCUP]

In which case, have a little leftover jelly donut?

I'll never be that hungry.

You'll pay for this, even if I didn't.

I'm telling my son, the superhero, on you!

Radiation Rangers?

Here in Tromaville?

Carting away all the old folks in moving vans?

Yeah, and they're not even using

the kind with those heavy pads.

So that's why my tromatons were doing the lambada.

They knew they were in the presence of some great evil.

Fellas, it's time for us to dish out a little justice.

Toxic Crusader style.

All right.

Excellent notion, Tox-Man.

(SINGING) We're the Toxic Crusaders.

We're the Toxic Crusaders.

We're the Toxic Crusaders.

Of that we're pretty sure of.

We're the Toxic Crusaders.

We're the Toxic Crusaders.

We're the Toxic Crusaders.

Boys.

They're always fighting and kicking and punching.

Why couldn't I have had a little girl?

PSYCHO: Come on.

Move it, people.

Move it.

BONEHEAD: Yeah.

Pretend like you're going to visit your grandchildren.

TOXIE: That'll be just about enough of that.

[GRUNT]

Who said that?

We did!

The Toxic Crusaders?

In the hideously deformed and mutilated flesh.

Come on, bozos.

Let's rumble.

That means fight!

I know that.

I may be Psycho, but I'm not stupid.

Radiation Rangers, front and center.

[SCREAM]

[CRASH]

It's OK, guys.

This is on me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, let's see you mutilated morons try that on me.

I'll handle this.

Whoa!

[GRUNT]

What-- what are you guys doing?

You're going on a little space ride, man.

Ready to peel?

Three, two-- blastoff.

[SCREAM]

TOXIE: Don't worry.

Those awful people won't be bothering you anymore.

Is that a promise?

Cross my hideously deformed heart.

Oops!

Toxic Crusaders, to thank you for rescuing us and protecting

the environment, we've prepared a special celebration dinner.

Cool, Daddio.

Uh, I mean, Mammio.

We're serving powdered eggs with mashed potatoes.

And for dessert, some graham crackers dunked in hot cocoa.

If you need em, I'll even donate my extra set of teeth

to chew it with.

Whoa.

My stomach just did a full gainer.

Sometimes you really embarrass me.

It sounds mighty tempting, but we hideously

deformed creatures of superhuman size and strength

have to avoid rich foods in order

to maintain our fighting edge.

I would like the teeth, though.

They come in handy for pulling pins out of hand grenades.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Once again, those Toxic Crusaders have

destroyed my best laid plans.

I told you so.

(ANGRILY) You did what?

Uh, I mean, wow.

What an unexpected turn of events.

Now how can I get rid of those meddling mutants

while I carry out my plan?

What about an all expense paid vacation on a tropical island?

I have it.

We'll offer them an all expense paid

vacation on a tropical island.

What tropical island?

Why, this tropical island, of course.

It's nice of the post office to send this stuff air mail.

They have to.

What mailman in his right mind would enter this dump?

You're right.

Rain and snow and gloom of night is one thing,

but toxic schmutz-- forget it.

"Congratulations.

You're the lucky winner of an all expense

paid vacation at Club Fred."

Oh, wow.

Totally triumphant, man.

A freebie vacation.

Bender, you're a scientist.

What are the odds of four hideously deformed creatures

of superhuman size and strength all winning the same contest?

It's got to be at least 11 to one.

We better start packing our meager belongings.

They've taken the bait.

The Toxic Crusaders don't know it,

but for them, Club Fred will soon turn out to be Club Dead.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Six miserable palm trees?

Is that all the foliage you could find?

Hey, don't blame us, boss.

Palm trees don't grow on trees, you know.

The Toxic Crusaders will be arriving this afternoon.

We must disguise this island to look like a Club Fred.

Trust me, boss.

Those bozos are so stupid, they won't even know the difference.

I don't know, chief.

What if every trick we pull on them backfires

because their sweet natured innocence protects them,

and we end up getting clobbered instead?

Are you starting it again?

Just a thought.

Forget I said anything.

[CHEERS]

They like us.

They really like us.

It's something we superheroes must learn to live with.

Oh, Toxie, I'll miss you so.

Give me a hug, you big lug.

A hug?

You bet.

Oh!

I simply melt when you hold me.

Sort of like those plastic flowers you brought me?

YVONNE: Exactly.

Way cool.

They sent us our own personal hovercraft.

[SCREAM]

Bye, Yvonne.

Bye, Mom.

Always wear clean underwear!

You never know when you'll get run over by a golf cart.

(SINGING) Welcome to Club Fred, our own tropical island.

We serve breakfast in bed.

We know you'll go home smiling.

Hm.

There's something familiar about those two guys.

I got a nose for those things.

Hold on.

This is no tropical resort.

It's Island City.

What vile scheme is Dr. Killemoff up to this time?

[LAUGHTER]

Scheme?

No scheme, honest.

He decided to go timeshare condo with the place.

Some kind of tax shelter.

And speaking of shelters, wait til you

guys see your luxurious suite.

BONEHEAD: Well, what do you think, huh?

This is a luxury suite?

A radioactive chemical container in the middle

of an oozing swamp, bubbling with poisonous gases?

We wanted you to feel at home.

And look at the way it glows.

You won't have to leave a light on when you go out.

And believe me, we intend to go out a lot.

KILLEMOFF: Splendid!

With those dimwits here on the island,

my Radiation Rangers will be able to take over Tromaville

without interference.

Attention, attack helicopters, activate the full scale

invasion of Tromaville.

TOXIE (VOICEOVER): While we were off enjoying our Club Fred

vacation, a stranger appeared in Tromaville whose arrival

would change our lives forever.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISTLING]

You guys are just going to love hang gliding.

Yeah.

You're going to love it to death.

[LAUGHTER]

I just know I know these guys from some place.

Oh, No-Zone, you're just imagining things.

How come you're doing all that sawing?

Uh, uh, um, well, that's just to lighten the load.

When you're four man hang gliding, every ounce counts.

OK.

All done.

All right.

We're ready.

Show us how you do this.

Now pay close attention.

You grab onto the main strut like this, and then you--

[SCREAM]

Maybe we better practice that, fellas.

[SCREAM]

[SNAP]

Yow!

Yow!

Killemoff ain't going to like this.

Oh, and like I do.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello there, uh, you must be the Toxic Crusader's mom.

I can see the resemblance.

Well, you have your nerve.

I, uh-- uh, I only meant it in the nicest sense.

Oh, well, in that case, thank you.

I'm looking for your son.

He's away at a Club Fred resort enjoying

a well deserved vacation.

Aw, I'll try again another time.

You-- you've been real kind.

Oh, and one more thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

Stay off my lawn!

Bad dog!

Bad dog!

[BARKING]

[CRASH]

OK.

All set.

This is really going to blow those Toxic Crusaders away.

You're just in time.

Here they come now.

Yo, honored guests!

Come on over here.

What's up?

We want to take a picture of you guys.

Epic notion.

Maybe later we could have it blown up.

[LAUGHTER]

You don't even have to wait.

You can be blown up right now.

What a strange looking camera.

Hm.

An Instablastic.

I think I've heard of them.

It's one of those 35 millimeter jobs.

Right a 35 millimeter Cannon.

But first, let's take a snapshot of you fellas.

No, don't!

Stop!

That's it.

Wave. -No, wait!

Stop, stop!

No pictures!

Stop!

[BLAST]

[EXPLOSION]

Boy, these new cameras sure don't like it if you move.

[CHATTER]

Uh, sorry to disturb you, folks,

but how do I get to Club Fred?

[SCREAM]

Don't be afraid!

I don't bite!

See?

My tail is wagging!

[WHIMPER]

Maybe these people know.

Hey, fellas.

I'm looking for a club named Fred.

Is it this way?

Or is it that way?

Oh!

When can a bad guy get a break around here?

You guys will really enjoy this.

It's called wind surfing.

Bye bye.

Whoa!

What a joke.

Those dum dums don't know it, but they're

headed straight for 10 tons of nuclear explosives!

Pretty neat, huh?

Hang 10, Bender!

OK.

I'll hang five, and you hang five.

All right!

We got em this time.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PANTING]

I'm looking for the Toxic Crusader.

Hey!

What's that?

[SCREAM]

Whoa!

What's happening?

I don't know.

Something's pulling us away.

Uh oh.

Let's move.

(STUTTERING) What does it look like I'm doing?

[CRASH]

[SCREAM]

It's Bonehead and Psycho.

I told you there was something familiar about those guys.

We'd better go tell Killemoff about this.

No need to, you dipsticks.

Dr. Killemoff already knows.

I don't know who you are, but thanks.

The name's Junkyard.

Us hideously deformed critters have to help one another

in this crazy world of ours.

So tell us.

How did you become hideously deformed?

Do we have time for a flashback?

Aw, sure.

It'll take Killemoff a while to come up with a new scheme

to destroy us.

It-- it happened some time ago.

It was a dark and stormy night.

FENDER (VOICEOVER): Man, how come all dogs start

their stories the same way?

BENDER (VOICEOVER): Let him finish, Fender.

Speak, Junkyard.

[BARKING]

No, no, no.

I mean, speak.

JUNKYARD (VOICEOVER): Oh.

Well, like I was saying, it was a dark and stormy night.

I was working the night shift at the junkyard--

that's me on the right-- when this hobo

crawled in to keep dry.

[THUNDER]

The toxic ooze had fused us together.

I was now half bow wow and half bum.

Now that I could read, I discovered

newspapers were good for more than just

house-training puppies.

I read about Tromaville, the town

where all hideously deformed creatures of superhuman size

and strength seem to end up.

Whoa, you finished that flashback just in time.

Look what's coming.

MAJOR DISASTER: Apocalypse attack helicopters.

And look over there.

Radiation Rangers!

As a former military man, I'd say we're surrounded.

Toxic Crusaders, let's fight for decency and honor.

We could really use some heroic music about now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That's more like it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What has four wheels and flies?

An apocalypse garbage truck.

[CRASH]

A tree!

I need a tree!

Nah, it's not what you're thinking.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRASH]

[CRASH]

That does it!

No more Mr. Affable Alien.

Now we get down and dirty!

Psycho!

Bonehead!

Where are you?

Here, Dr. Killemoff, right next to the Polluto tank.

An excellent stroke of geographic good fortune,

because I want you to release it this instant.

Polluto?

The giant oil slick?

But don't you remember?

It got blown up in the first episode.

And it's still pretty ticked off about the whole thing.

[MONSTER NOISES]

KILLEMOFF: I said, release Polluto!

OK.

You're the doctor.

[MONSTER NOISES]

Sic him, fella.

[MONSTER NOISES]

Uh oh.

Polluto is headed right for us.

I thought he got blown up in the first episode.

Ew!

What a gross out, man.

Those noises sound just like an upset stomach.

Giant antacid pills to stop a giant oil slick?

You know the saying.

You're got to fight heartburn with fire.

Or something like that.

Ready?

Set.

Throw!

[MONSTER NOISES]

[BURP]

[BURP]

Whoa!

The Toxic Crusaders rule!

Repeat after me.

I, Junkyard, promise to obey all the rules

of the Toxic Crusaders.

I, Junkyard, promise to obey all the rules

of the Toxic Crusaders.

And to stay off the furniture.

And to stay off the furn-- hey!

Just fooling.

(SINGING) For-- for he's a jolly good Fido.

For he's a jolly good Fido.

For he's a jolly good Fido, which nobody can deny.

No!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hurray for Junkyard!

Hurray for Junkyard!

And this will be your own special house.

Gosh.

[SNIFFING]

[BARK]

I got so much to learn from you guys.

We can both learn from each other.

In fact, you've already taught us a valuable lesson.

I have?

Me?

What?

Let's show him, fellas.

[BARKING]

Oh, that's good.

[CHATTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]