Original subtitles

MARCUS: Hurry up.

I mean, this is torture.

If people can't use the pump quickly,

they shouldn't beallowed to use it at all.

I mean, she can see there's a queue.

That's about the speed I go, to be fair.

That's it.

Now pick up the bucket and walk away.

And we're in, if the waterhasn't evaporated by now.

Fire Brigade, coming through.

Oh, no.

Come on.

Out of the way, fella, Fire Brigade.

We need to use the well.

Yeah, sorry.

It's just we've been queuing forages, and there's loads of you.

Because of the fire and we need water so.

Well, so do we.

We're thirsty.

Well, that's not really an emergency, is it?

Could be, in time

I'm pretty parched.

You see, he's parched.

Remove your bucket, fella.

Fire Brigade.

No.

You can't just wear redclothes and shout Fire Brigade

at people to avoid queuing.

Just wait your turn like everyone else.

You asshole.

Come on.

Actually, Grumio, will you do the honors?

Sure thing, boss.

[THEME - OLI JULIAN FEAT.MICHAEL PROPHET, "WHEN IN ROME"]

THEME SONG: Yeah.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

I can't believe howarrogant those red pricks are.

Tell me about it.

All they do is tip water on stuff.

I know, even a cloud can do that.

Evening, Bromans.

Oh, it's pretty banging in here.

Not.

You're early is all.

We're only empty cause allour punters are still at home,

you know, having a bath.

- Or having a snooze. - Or having a shave.

- Or having a pull. - Hm.

Or because they'redrinking at the sexy new bar

across the road.

What, another bar?

Yeah, it's this Germanianplace called Wunderbar.

They serve these bigsausages and this cold broth

called beer.

Oh, shit, this is bad.

We need to see what we're up against.

We need to try them sausages.

- Aurelius, you're in charge.- Really?

Right. Wow.

Finally.

I mean, it'll probably be jizz, right?

What do Germanians know about bars?

OK, so it's not jizz.

Hello.

Guten hagen.

Yeah, hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Welcome and welcome to Wunderbar.

My name is Lucas.

Here is my sister Stephanie.

Three beers for thisgentleman, please, Steffi.

- Yeah, great. - And a sausage.

No, no.

We can't stay.

We have our own bar across the road.

Yeah, if anything, we shouldbe welcoming you to the area.

Oh, I thought that bar was closed.

Nope.

No, that's just the look we're going for.

Inside, it's heaving.

Here you go, our signaturedrink always the way

from Germania.

Well, you got it here quick then.

No. No.

No.

We brew it here.

It would not be efficientto make it in Germania

and then transport it all the way to Rome.

No, it was a joke.

Oh.

Ha ha.

Very funny.

Enjoy.

Nice to meet you.

Bye bye.

Oh, now then.

Oh, god, this is awful.

No, it's not.

It's delicious.

No, I know it's delicious.

For us, I mean. - Oh, yeah.

No, it's definitely awful for us.

How are we going to compete with this?

We don't.

We just need to reinvent our place a bit.

It's like I've beensaying, find a new angle.

We are not turning it into a strip club.

That is what you mean by new angle, isn't it?

No.

Maybe.

Yeah.

But we gotta do something.

Two words, puppet theater.

Yeah, that.

Or the strip club, or both.

Sexy puppets.

No.

That's appalling and weird.

Let's just think.

Try and come up with something for our bar

that is fresh and cool and totally unique.

We can do this.

In fact, no, let's just copy these guys.

This drink is incredible.- Nice.

Yeah. That is way easier.

Oh, and I can figure outthe recipe with my highly

sensitive palate. - Uh-huh.

This is the same highly sensitive

palate that confused saltbeef with tree bark, is it?

That was some verybeefy bark or barky beef.

Yeah, and while he doesthat, I can try to shag Steffi.

And that's relevant how?

You know, like bang some secrets out of her.

Right.

So drinking and humping.

That's the plan.

You two really are so noble, aren't you?

Oh, OK, so you've got a better idea, have you?

Ah, no. Fair enough.

Mission approved.

Hey, Gloria.

Hey, Marcus.

What's going on?

Lucas here is giving me his piss.

I need the ammonia for a bomb payload of laundry.

And I have plenty from mybumper load of customers.

I thought I was your piss supplier?

Oh, I didn't know we were exclusive.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry if I'm taking your place here, Marcus.

It's just an informal agreement.

Forgive me if this is nothow we do things here.

No, it is.

He's just being weird.

Ah.

Good.

Also, Gloria, I wanted to askyou for a date this Saturday.

- Oh, um. - What?

Saturday?

Let me have a think.

Yeah, Lucas, that is reallynot how we do things here.

We don't just ask someone out direct.

We get to know them, and tryand gauge if they like us back.

But I find her very attractive.

And that's--

I mean, this is extraordinary stuff.

Sure. Why not?

Wunderbar.

And that's a yes from you, is it?

It is.

Yeah, why?

You got a problem with that as well?

No. No.

That's wunderbar.

Very happy for you both.

Right, you're no longer in charge.

Yes, sir.

She's all yours.

Not much to report, got a fewchaps from the Fire Brigade in.

What? Why are they here?

They were looking forsomewhere quiet and somber

to drink.

Well, they came to the right place.

Yeah, they lost one of their men earlier.

Apparently, they were heldup getting to a house fire,

so by the time they arrived,it was a bloody inferno.

On the plus side, they arereally putting it away.

Right.

And you're back in charge.

I'm going somewhere else.

Wow, great.

Oh my Jove, it's him.

Hello.

You asshole.

Whoa.

Hey, no, thank you, Mister.

You do not call him an asshole.

We lost one of our good menand true today thanks to you.

You see, your bullshit atthe well, it made us late.

Yes, I--

I mean, I was waiting for sometime, but, no, you're right.

I was out of order.

I was well out of order, if you will.

I should rip your arms off for what you did.

He was a good man.

And true, I know.

I'm sorry.

Please, don't do that.

Tell you what.

This is my bar, so how aboutas a gesture of goodwill

I get you guys a round of free drinks.

A round?

A man died. - A night then?

One night.

Are you serious?

A week, seven nights of free drinks.

Fine, plus bar snacks, yes?

Mm-hmm.

Plus bar snacks.

Salve, Grumio?

All right, Big Lad.

You've discovered beer too then?

Well, I haven't discovered what's in it.

That's the problem.

Want to make it at our gaff, yousee, if you've got any ideas.

[whistle]

Now you're asking.

I'd say water and, well, brown.

Yeah, that's what I got, water and brown,

after that, I'm blank.

Well, I guess you're going tohave to keep on drinking then.

Oh, sad graft, thisresearch business, isn't it?

What?

What are you smiling at?

Nothing.

I just really like it here.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

It's got everything, hasn't it?

Music.

Beer.

Whatever it is you callthat barmaid's linen blouse.

We call it [non-english].

Wow.

It's another world, isn't it?

Tell me everything about your country

and the beer and your culture,and how you make the beer.

Nine.

Germania is boring.

I couldn't wait to leave, you know?

Exploits of freedom of movement you get

from being part of the empire.

I had a real wanderlust.

You know this word?

No, but I can guess.

You wanted to make guys like me basically.

Exactly.

You are want to try one ofmy special wurst, Jason?

Homemade.

Yeah, go on then.

What's the worse that could happen?

Oh.

Wow. OK.

That's going to be tight.

[rooster crowing]

Shut up.

I hate that bloody hen.

It's a cock.

Damn right, it s, running it's beak

off at this time of morning.

Uh-huh.

So did your sensitive palatedeliver the goods then?

Well, here's the thing.

The more I drank, the lesssensitive my palate became.

Funny that.

I know, so in the end, I couldn't get much

further than water and brown.

- Hello. - Hello.

Hello.

Nice threads.

Danke schoen.

Please tell me you didn't buy those.

Relax.

I borrowed them off Lucas.

My tunic was in a bit of a state this morning.

I really don't want to know.

Absolutely splattered in sausage juice.

God, that's revolting.

No, I mean the juicefrom an extra large wurst.

Although, I did get jizz on them as well.

Smashing.

I tell you what, I totallyget why the Germanians

wear these leather shorts now.

You just wipe everything off.

Like a bib for your body.

Like a body bib, exactly.

I want a body bib.

So, sorry, you did it then?

You actually honey trapped the barmaid?

Yeah.

I didn't just sit there eatingsausages and jizz on myself.

And, what's you find out?

Oh, loads.

She is fascinating.

Her and Lucas are from thisbeautiful little town called

Furstenwalde of the Spree, which is

one of the largest carrot producing

areas in the whole of Germania.

Oh, sounds wicked.

And they have this kite festival as well.

What about beer?

Huh?

What did you find out about beer?

Oh, yeah.

No, nothing.

Well, that was the whole point.

Yeah, sorry.

We did have some wellnoisy Germanic sex though.

How does that help?

No, no.

It doesn't, but, youknow, it helps me in terms

of my overall mood and fitness.

Sorry.

Well, I expected you both to fail obviously,

but this is pretty spectacular.

[farting]

Why not, Grumio, fart on.

You can't really make things worse.

Oh, sorry, that is yeasty.

Hang on.

Yeast, that's an ingredient, isn't it?

Who's failing now?

So, all in all, we've got47 denarii and 20 sesterces.

Plus, 33 bottles of wine and 79 peanuts.

78 peanuts.

Which means, barring asudden upsurge in customers,

we can only afford to stayopen for another nine days.

Customer.

We got a customer.

Yeah, maybe don't shout customer, Grumio.

It's a bit desperate.

Also, this one's not a customerin the strictest sense,

as he's getting free drinks all week.

What?

Why?

Because, you know, wehave to support the good men

and true of the Fire Brigade.

And

Because you murdered one of them.

And, well, murdered is a bit strong,

but I guess I helped kill aman, so what are you having?

Oh, don't worry, I'm not after a drink.

Oh, good news.

I just wanted to book in our annual Fire

Brigade party on Friday.

This Friday?

Uh-huh.

Could we make it next Friday?

Would that work for you?

No.

Because then it wouldn't be free, would it?

Yeah.

Come on, the free drinks thing wasn't

meant for massive parties.

That's a bit of a mistake.

Well, then you shouldhave let us in at the well,

shouldn't you?

Asshole.

I mean, that is a huge booking for us.

I realize we're paying for it,so it's even worse, but still.

Yes, it's much worse.

We're done for.

It's over.

We are officially all out of options.

Oh oh, book overboard.

Hello.

So, guys, I am interestedin buying your bar.

Is it for sale?

We should at least hear them out.

No way.

I ain't hearing shit.

Look, we can't give up on our dream.

You see, I'm thinking that maybe we can.

We could have a new dream.

One where we're not sellingshit wine to invisible customers

in a converted toilet.

But I can make beer.

Trust me.

Now that I've got water andyeast, I've almost cracked it.

Yes, but wet yeast aside,Grumio, the Crown and Toga

is hardly a roaring success, is it?

And Wunderbar is coining it.

I mean, think about it.

With the amount they're earning,they're bound to make us

an offer that we can't refuse.

800 denari?

800?

You must've missed off a couple of C's, mate.

We think that's a fair price.

Well, it isn't.

Our bar is worth way more than that.

I mean, this is what wetake in a month, or a week.

Well, we happen to know thatyou have almost no customers

these days.

Oh, no, how'd you know that?

As in, that is not true.

We have plenty of customers, thank you.

But things are so bad right now

that you plan to turn thebar into a puppet strip club,

right?

Did you tell her that?

I-- yes, clearly.

You were meant to bebanging things out of her,

not the other way around.

She kept feeding me sausages.

Oh, that explains it.

No, it doesn't.

I can't believe youtricked me, you dick bag.

You tried to trick me too, you dick bag.

Look, guys, it is obviousthat your bar is in trouble

and that you have no business plan

to speak of beyond stealingour family beer recipe

or setting up some kind of handpuppet and striptease club.

But because we protect oursecrets and you do not,

I suggest you take the 800.

No.

nine. No deal.

We are not selling.

Not now, not ever.

We may not be turning much of a profit per se,

but soon, our bar is goingto make some serious denari.

Oh, yeah, how?

By watering down your drinks, huh?

Nope.

By making it the best barin the whole goddamn city.

You're looking at the guyswho took a run down toilet

and turned into aslightly less rundown bar,

so if anyone here isopening a chain, it is us.

Fucking A. And you cankeep your leather shorts.

I'll bring them back later.

We should definitely water down our drinks.

I know.

Why didn't we think of that before?

Oh, salvo, boys.

All right, milady?

I'll say.

I just bagged me myself a nearly new hydrangea.

From a memorial?

Don't judge me, beaky, it'sjust some dead firemen wanker.

Yes, I heard all about that.

Well, I watched it happen.

Stupid pricks only went to the wrong house.

Oh, no, I did not hear about that.

That tossed pop captain only took them to number

12 instead of number 21.

They chucked half theirwater before he realized.

About time I got here, itwas blazing like a bastard.

So, it was the captain's fault?

That's why they were late?

Yeah, and that's why I got free hydrangea.

So, you know, every cloud.

Danke for the ledertrouser.

Bitte?

No, I'm not bitter actually.

I'm disappointed, if anything,that you could just pump

me for information like that.

As I recall, Jason, you were the one pumping me.

I mean, did you even mean any of it?

any of those like yahs andsort of yodeling noises real?

Yeah, Jason.

Naturlich they were real.

What about all of those times you said ohnk.

Yeah, you see, I didn't know I said ohnk

during that sort of thing, so, yes,

they would have been very real.

Do I really say ohnk?

Yes, you say it a lot.

You see?

Like our minds might been fakingit, but our bodies weren't.

We should listen to our bodies.

So, she's like, that's not the only thing

that's on fire around here,if you know what I mean.

And I go, oh, right.

Well, let me put that out for you.

Hi there.

Sorry to interrupt while you're so hard at it.

Yes, well, we're betweenfires at the moment, fella.

I'm glad you came by actually.

I wanted to talk to you about our party.

Yes, me too.

We were thinking cocktailsout of little red buckets.

Oh, what a witty idea.

And I'd love to, but you're not having

your party at my bar anymore.

Seeing as your good man and truedied not because I held you up

at the well but because you clowns

went to the wrong bloody address.

Well, it was a combination.

Oh, come off it, mate.

I know that's why you were late.

And to be fair, it was your strop

at the well that got me sonarked that I read the numerals

the wrong way around.

Well, clearly you shouldn'tbe doing such a highly

skilled job then, should you?

That requires both splashingthings and reading.

But, come on, the party'sall planned for tomorrow.

I booked a dog sitter.

Couldn't give a shit.

Tell you what, why don't you find

another bar owner to accuse ofmurder, get drunk on his tab.

[belch]

Oh, that's woody.

Like a stroll through a meadow in autumn.

How many more of these are you going to need?

Pop it down, dickhead.

Because the Germanians are getting suspicious.

What, dickhead?

Shut up.

We're conducting vital research over here.

[belch] [sniff]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm getting woodytoo and farmland and maybe

just a hint of the ocean.

No, I had calamari for lunch.

Just ignore that.

I'll try my best.

Hit me again.

[belch]

I'm sorry, that came upfrom the bottom of the barrel.

Yeah, I can tell.

Oh, that is--

This is absolutely appalling.

Barley.

It's bloody barley. - It's barley.

He's only gone and done it.

It's barley.

Oh, yes.

Actually, I'm a bit light headed after that.

Hey, Gloria, sorry if was being weird earlier.

You can get your piss from whoever you want.

Oh, OK.

I don't really need yourpermission, but thank you.

Also, do you want to goon a date tonight with me?

I didn't think that was how we did things here.

Yeah, I'm experimenting with the whole Germanian

say what you mean thing.

It feels quite weird.

You do know that I've gota date with Lucas tomorrow?

Or maybe not, if tonight goes well.

What do you say?

I say, you better take me somewhere nice.

Oh, of course.

I know this fantastic converted toilet.

Sounds terrible.

See you there are 8:00.

Oh, ohnk.

I love immigration.

I have a wurst on thegrill that I made specially

to remind me of your shvontz.

Oh, Steffi, you're spoiling me.

Oh, by Jove, that tastes like pure evil.

I think I'm going blind and deaf.

Why can't I hear anything?

Too much barley maybe?

No. there's still something missing.

Damn you, beer.

Why is it so strong?

Well, we've overcooked it, soit's become a sort of potcheen.

A what, sorry?

Oh, you know, fire water,arse-fuel, devil's piss.

It's about 70% proof.

We'll get there eventually.

I know we will, Grumio.

You know why?

Because we are resourcefulgo-getters, who can achieve

anything we put our minds to.

I believe that.

That's quite a new belief.

Well, I've got a date tonightwith a woman I really like,

who is aware that it's a dateand has agreed to it anyway.

Nice one.

Thank you.

I feel like we're entering a new phase.

You know, like we're finally growing up.

I got the recipe book.

I nicked it from Steffi's whileshe was grilling her sausage

in the shape of my dick. - Boom-ting.

- Or maybe not. - Go on.

There you are then.

No, turn around first.

Oh my god.

OK, so it's water, yeast, barley, and hops.

Hops. It's hops.

Hops.

That's what it is.

It's hops. It's hops.

It's hops.

It's hops.

- Whoa, whoa, careful. - It's OK.

I've got it.

I got it.

Whoa.

[yelling]

Fire.

Our bar's on fire.

Help!

Can we borrow some piss, please, Gloria?

We'll pay you back in beers.

Sure.

I've got a load leftover from the Germanians.

Come on, I'll help you.

Fire.

Fire.

Well, well, well.

Hi, there.

Hello.

Um, I realize you guys may notbe my biggest fans right now,

but we've got a bit of a fire situation going on.

Oh, dear.

Well, that is a shame.

And if you're good men and true

could please put it out for uswe would, A, be very grateful,

and B, give you free drinks for,I don't know, a month or more.

Well, I'd probably take theboys to the wrong address,

wouldn't I? - Yes.

Very good.

I mean, you definitely wouldn'tbecause it's that one there

with all the smoke.

Well, we'd love to help you out,

but we're in the middle of our party right now.

How about next Friday?

Oh, wie schade.

Ah, Lucas, Steffi, maybe he will take

you up on that offer after all.

800 denari, right?

Well, that seems a little high Now

700?

400?

Oh, no, come on.

Aye, where's my notebook, you pig dog?

Yeah, sorry.

It's in the--

All right, 400, deal.

The offer is now 200.

Right.

We're out of piss from the jugs.

Let's see what we've got in our bodies.

Yeah, I reckon I could go now.

Take it our little drinkis not happening then?

No, of course, it's happening.

We just might have to find avenue that's a bit less hot.

I know this cool Germanian place.

Sounds perfect.

I'll just help with that first.

Yep.

Nudge over, boys.

Look, I think it's working.

It is.

Come on.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN FEAT.

VINCENT NAP, "I CAME, I SAW"]

[SINGING] Ahhh.

Better get ready.

Ahhh.

Hear me calling.

Ahh. I came.

I saw.

I conquered.

I came. I saw.

I conquered. I came.

I saw.

I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Gotta believe. I came.

I saw.

I conquered. I came.

I saw.

I conquered. I came.

I saw.

I conquered.

Can I conquer you.

Oh yeah.

Can I conquer?

I gotta conquer.