Original subtitles

MARCUS: "Dear small business owner.

As we haven't received yourself-assessment tax return

for this year, we estimateyour company to be in debit

to the sum of 5,128 denari."

Oh my god, 5 grand?

Well, a bit more.

We're getting 5 big ones!

GRUMIO: Get in, my son.

JASON: Hoo-hoo!

5 biggies!

Let's buy a yacht! Oh!

Or a tiger!

Ha-ha!

You guys don't knowwhat debit means, do you?

Oh, shit.

Is it the other one?

[MUSIC PLAYING - OLI JULIAN, "WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

So, it says we've got one week to pay up

or the bar will be liquidated.

OK.

Before I celebrate again,what does that one mean?

It means finding other proper jobs

where we can't just eat nuts andpretend to polish cups all day.

And Jason, please,please stop running taps.

Yeah.

It's just that it's so much easier

than taking actual money.

That's the whole point.

Taking money is literallyour only objective.

I mean, who's Viggo?

He's my barber.

MARCUS: Right.

Well, he apparently owes us 570 denari.

No.

It's more like 500 now.

He's been paying me back.

OK, good.

And-- hang on.

In money or--

Haircuts. Yeah.

MARCUS: Right.

Well, that explains why you've had five

different styles this week.

Yeah, 'cause none ofthem have really settled.

Do you know what I mean?

What do you think of a Mohawk?

I think stop getting haircuts, mainly,

and go and get the money he owes us.

All right. Chill.

I'm going.

[crunching]

Snails are back.

Oh, not again.

Grumio, I thought you got rid of them?

GRUMIO: I did.

I suppose they just like the vibe in here.

That's because the vibe is damp and pooey.

They would stay away if you everactually cleaned this place up.

I am.

Starting with these nuts.

MARCUS: No.

Start with the snails.

Just round them up.

If they don't outpace you, that is.

[crunching]

Oh, blimey.

It's a bloody massacre.

JASON: I'm just saying.

A quiff would look banging on you.

No thanks.

I've had the same haircut for 28 years,

so I'll probably stick with it till I die now.

Oh, Gloria.

Hi.

Sorry to interrupt your pegging.

I was wondering if you couldmaybe give us some advice

about something a bit delicate?

Ooh, yeah. Go on.

Sounds intriguing.

Well, we've just beenhit with a hefty tax bill,

and we're wondering how to appeal it.

Oh, not so intriguing it turns out.

Um, no idea, I'm afraid.

I leave all that to my accountants.

Actually, you might know them.

Schatzberg and Schatzberg.

Mm, no.

Why would I know them?

Oh, just 'cause it's quitea small community, isn't it?

I thought you guys all knew each other.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not Jewish.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were.

No way.

So did I at first because of the whole--

- Yeah, and the personality.- Yeah, yeah.

OK, I am still here.

It wasn't till I saw hispecker weren't circumcised

that I knew for sure.

And let's leave it there, ideally.

Thanks anyway.

It turns out, it was intriguing after all.

MARCUS: Ha!

Please don't discuss mypecker in front of Gloria

or call it a pecker, in fact.

It doesn't make it sound very impressive.

Hang on.

Where are we going?

The barber's back that way, isn't it?

Uh-huh. Change of plan.

I am really not sure about this.

It'll be fine.

It suits you.

Their Almighty God won't like it.

You know, he might smite me.

Smiting is one of his things.

Relax.

No one's getting smited.

Just get yourself in there and bag us

a bad-ass Jewish tax guru.

MARCUS: Eh.

[music - "hava nagila"]

GRUMIO: Ey up.

How'd you get all the way over there?

Hello, love.

Ooh.

VIGGO: See you later, man.

Thanks a lot.

So who's next?

Ha-ha!

What's going on, bro?

Have a seat, have a seat.- No.

I'm not actually here fora cut this time, Viggo.

I need to call in your bar tab.

I hear you.

No problem.

Just a shame you have to do it now.

Just give me what's thereif you ain't got it all.

Oh no, shame for you, I mean.

I just got the new look-book in today.

All the freshest styles.

Oh, right.

It's, uh-- no, I shouldn't really.

Ooh. VIGGO: Yeah.

Check it out.

See how it stands up and then it fades out?

It's called the Gallic Box.

Sick, isn't it?

Yeah, that's extremely sick.

The ladies are gonna go bonkers for the Box.

Trust me.

But if you have to settle that tab.

Salve, Grumio.

All right, Landlord.

Busy day, then?

Yeah, you know.

Just taking my new pet for a walk.

Her name's Shelley. - Oh, nice.

What, 'cause of the shell?

Oh.

I hadn't thought of that.

Lordy.

Oh, look at her go.

She's dead nippy, isn't she?

What, are you kidding me?

Nippy?

Fastest damn snail I've everspent the day watching, man.

[LAUGHING] As if.

I could get any bozo frommy mum's cabbage patch

would be just as fast as that div.

Do you want to bet?

Oh, anytime, anytime.

Let's say 10 dennies?

What do you reckon, Shelley, love?

Shelley says, bring it on.

[music playing]

Shabbat Shalom.

Oh, yes.

Um-- thank you?

So who the hell are you, then?

Uh, I-- how do you mean?

Take a look around.

Most of the guys here are ancient and bearded,

so when one shows up whoisn't, people are gonna notice.

Right, yes.

Well, I'm lapsed and just wanted to reconnect

with the old Jewish belief system.

Judaism.

As it's known.

And also to meet an accountant.

I believe there's a Schatzberg and also

a Schatzberg in the community?

There is.

That's Solomon Schatzberg overthere with one of the beards.

Ah.

He won't be able to help you, though.

I know for a fact he's run off his feet.

Ah.

And the other Schatzberg?

The other Schatzbergmight be able to fit you in.

Oh, fantastic.

Uh, which one's he?

He would be me.

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

It's fine, really.

Rebecca Schatzberg.

It's good to meet you.

Marcus Gallo-- berg.

JASON: I told you it'd be fine.

Oh, it was a bit better than fine, mate.

I got myself an accountant whois female, hot, and has invited

me for a slap-up family dinner.

All that for justplunking on a little hat?

I know.

I should have startedwearing this thing ages ago.

It's a very sharp look on you, bro.

Well, don't take the advice ofa man with a loaf on his head.

[laughs] - Not a loaf.

I'm wearing a sweet newlook with the Gallic Box.

Ladies are gonna love it.

MARCUS: Hm.

So you've not called in yourtab with the barber, I take it?

No, not yet.

But this is my last haircut.

I swear down.

I'll call in my tab first thing tomorrow.

Salve, boys.

Are you open?

Ah, good evening, Landlord.

What can we get you?

A glass of wine for me, please,

and a slice of humble pie for Grumio

because my snail here, Mr. Random Snail,

is about to prove that fast snails don't exist.

Ah, whatever man.

Shelley's gonna fuck him up.

Nize!

Are we having a snail race?

Well, sort of "nize."

You did say you'd take thesnails out of the bar, Grumio,

not bring more in.

Yeah, I know, I know.

This is my last snail race.

I swear down.

Well, thank you both for doing pretty

much the exact opposite of what I asked you,

as per bloody usual.

Ey up, Shelley, love.

It's showtime.

In lane one, hailing from Landlords mother's

allotment, Mr. Random Snail.

Come on, you random bastard!

And in line two, from the Crown and Toga

itself, local girl, Shelly.

Brrap, brrap, brrap!

Focus, Shelley, love.

Don't get distracted.

On your marks.

Get set.

[whistle blows]

Right.

Let's maybe get a drink and come back.

Yeah.

Good shout.

[laughter]

MARCUS: I must say, Mrs. Schatzberg,

this is the finest gefilte fish,if not fish, I've ever eaten.

So have a little more, then.

Oi vey!

What are you doing to me here?

I won't need to eat all week.

[laughter]

Marcus runs his own bar, Tatty.

Oh, very good.

Would I know it?

It's the Crown and Toga on the Aventine.

Oh, the old toilet.

Yeah, I've walked past it a few times.

Well, next time, come on in.

According to the menu outside,it says you serve squid.

We do.

It's delicious.

And squid isn't kosher.

I've heard it's delicious.

I've not tried it myself.

Obviously, I stick to our kosher dishes.

Right.

Like what?

Like, uh, well, we do gefilte fish.

Mm-hmm.

What else?

- Potato kugel, anyone? - Potato kugel.

Yeah, we do that.

SIMON: What else that wehaven't already eaten tonight?

Ooh.

Um-- let me think.

Um-- yes, we also do omelets?

I practically live on omelets.

[laughter]

Tell me, Marcus, what do you think

of the political situation in Palestine?

Uh.

Well, yeah, it's complicated, isn't it?

Is it?

Complicated how?

Give it a rest, Simon.

We're not doing politics tonight.

And I really think we should take a look

at your accounts, Marcus.

Of course.

Shame.

I love talking about Palestine.

Oh well.

Thank you so much for dinner.

LANDLORD: Come on.

Move it, Random!

Nearly there, Shelley.

Yes. - Oi.

Wake up, dickhead. [whistle blows]

- Ugh. - Ooh, we have a winner.

Which one's that? - It's Shelley.

Shelley's the winner.

Nice one.

Random, you lazy twat. [crunching]

Ooh.

Oh, that's a bit dark.

Best thing for it.

It couldn't hack the pace.

That's 10 dennies, I believe.

Sorry I doubted you, Grumio.

Fast nails are a thing.

For our next race, I shall findmyself a proper little mover.

Oh.

I don't know about that.

I promised Marcus it were a one-off.

Too late.

I'm into it now, and I'mgonna step it up a level.

I'm talking 10 lanes.

Big money. - Yes!

Could we get some hotties,like, to present the trophies?

Sure, hotties, trophies, the lot.

Unless Shelley's ready to retire.

Uh.

It looks like theyhaven't taken into account

the small business exemptions, the cost

of refurbishment, your payroll.

So can you get the bill reduced?

Of course.

That's what I do.

Oh.

As long as we cite legitimate expenses

in the appeal, then, Baruch Hashem,

I think we can get it down to zero.

Sorry.

Zero as in nothing?

That's what zero usually means.

[exclaims joyfully]

You're incredible!

REBECCA: [laughs]

Sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

No, no, it's fine.

I mean, I get turned on byfinancial savings as well.

I make financial savings every day,

but meeting a nice Jewishboy, that's extremely rare.

Ooh, no.

Maybe we shouldn't.

Really? Why?

Don't you want to?

Know, I do.

I really want to do that.

It's just, um, you know, Ifeel bad with your parents

in the next room, yeah.

As a nice Jewish boy, I wouldn'twant to disrespect them.

Wow.

Hot, charming, and respectful.

You really are the whole package.

[laughter]

So we should get you onto a pension scheme.

Yeah.

But she didn't see your pecker?

Well, no.

I did manage to stop her beforeshe came eye to eye with it.

But I've also got her brotherall up in my face quizzing me

about forbidden food.

Why would food be forbidden?

I don't know.

I guess their God Jehovah'sjust quite a fussy eater.

I've been swatting up on the rules.

So for now, we have to take porkand squid off the menu, pronto.

And you can get yourslimy snail out there too.

What? Why?

There's nothing piggy or squiddy about Shelley.

No, but she's a mollusk.

Eff off.

You're a mollusk.

As in, she's not kosher.

I'm not gonna eat her.

MARCUS: We can't take any risks, Grumio.

So long as we don't trip up ormy foreskin or your mollusk,

it is bye-bye tax bill andwelcome back your lovely, lazy

lives of leisure.

Amen.

Jehovah be praised.

Well, it's mainly me, but all right.

Cheers, Jehovah.

Mollusk, my big balls.

You're not a mollusk, are you, Shelley?

No, you're a bloody champion.

Oh.

Now, then.

Where did you lot come from?

Get out of it.

OK.

Kosher or no-sher?

Cheesesteak?

No-sher.

Can't mix meat and dairy.

Correct.

What about mackerel pate?

Kosher.

A mackerel has fins and scales, my friend.

Of course it does.

In which case, mazel tov.

Your training is complete.

I mean, foreskin aside, you're basically

one of God's chosen people.

Eh.

I like to think I already was.

Right.

I'm gonna bounce.

This steam is wilting my Box.

Sure.

See you back in the bar.

Call in that tab.

Viggo.

- Hey, what's happening, man?- Listen.

Sorry, mate.

I really need to call in your tab this time, OK?

No more haircuts. - All right.

No problem.

All right, I'll get you the cash.

Give me a second, OK? - Sure.

No worries.

Aurelius, what are you doing here?

Uh, getting my hair cut, weirdly.

Whoa, hey, no.

Nuh-uh.

You can't copy my Box.

I'm not copying your Box.

I wanted one anyway.

It's a very fresh look.

Yeah, I know, but not if you have one as well.

Shall I, uh, fetch the look-book?

Marcus.

Simon.

Hi.

[laughs uncomfortably]

I didn't see you there.

But I saw you, and I saw it.

Sorry?

You saw what?

Your shmecky, Marcus.

I saw it.

And?

Do you not have one?

[LAUGHING] Not like that.

Your one has a sleeve.

What? Pfft.

I don't think so, mate.

You made a mistake. - Did I?

- Yeah. - Well, let's find out.

What? What are you doing?

Get off. Get off!

Oh, hey, let go!

SIMON: Here we are.

Ah! This is assault!

SIMON: I can feel it.

No, that's the scrotum.

I can feel the foreskin.

All right, fine.

Fine.

I've got a foreskin.

OK?

I just haven't got roundto being circumcised yet.

Haven't got round to it?

It gets done when you're eight days old.

So I'm a bit late, so what?

So you're not a jew at all, are you?

Selling your squid with yourforeskin flapping about all

over the place.

You're just a lying Roman goy, aren't you?

Aren't you?

Yeah.

Are you gonna tell Rebecca?

Well, I don't want to humiliate her.

So as long as you agree to stay out of her life,

forever, I'll keep shtum.

OK.

Thank you.

But if you darken our door again,

I'll expose that foreskin fasterthan you can say potato kugel.

[sniffs]

Gross.

That's it.

I am through with being a Jew.

The brother saw, or rather felt,my foreskin at the bathhouse.

Oh, shit.

So what now?

So now I can't see Rebecca again.

And you know what that means?

- You have to get circumcised.- What?

No.

It means we have to pay our massive tax bill.

Of course I'm not getting circumcised.

Why not?

It's a piece of piss.

Oh, is it, Grumio? You do it, then.

I will.

Would that help?

It would help me, it wouldabsolutely make my day,

to watch someone slice your dick off.

It's not the whole dick.

It's just the tip.

And then you can go back to Rebecca

and say the brother made the whole thing up.

I'm not getting circumcised OK?

Stop devising scenarios inwhich I get circumcised.

It's not happening.

Look, the tax bill is 5 grand, right?

So how much do we have in cash?

- That's 700, I think. - Uh-huh.

OK.

Plus the 500 from the barber's, right?

From your silence and stupid new haircut,

I'm guessing that's a no.- You know what?

In my defense, I had to get the Etruscan Fin

'cause Aurelius copied my Gallic Box.

I actually prefer that one.

Really?

I think maybe Viggo took a bit too much off.

So we're a mere 4 and 1/2 big ones short.

Well done, everyone.

We can wave goodbye to this place.

I know how we can get the big ones.

What?

How?

So you know you told me not to do

any more snail racing and that.

Yes.

Well, instead, I set upanother even bigger snail race

tonight with Landlord and his mates.

Oh.

Fantastic news.

It's a 500 denaribuy-in, winner takes all.

Landlord reckons there should be quiet a few runners.

Oh, I like where this is going.

I don't.

I hate where this is going.

We are not staking everythingon a snail, Grumio.

JASON: Why not?

She breezed pastLandlord's chump last time.

Shelley's a winner.

Fact.

She's got the slippiest undercarriage

in the history of this bar.

Which is what, one whole day?

GRUMIO: She can do it.

I know she can.

And right now, she's our best bet.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Don't you have drugs?

Don't you have drugs for me to lili mimi love-y?

Now, don't you have drugs?

The thing that was just forme, when you can come by.

You may as well hand that straight to me

because my new boy Brutusis a freak of nature.

Show him, Mum.

Ooh.

It looks like Brutus could lose a few pounds.

He's not fat, he's just big-shelled.

That's all muscle under there.

And did you find some hottiesto the present the trophies?

Sort of. Mum's gonna do it.

Yeah.

I've shaved my pits and all my bits especially.

Oh, lovely.

So where's Shelley, then?

She-- she gone into her shell, has she?

[laughter]

She's just limbering up.

Shelley, is that you, Shell?

MARCUS: Right.

Is she good to go, then?

Whoa, whoa.

Why are there so many snails?- I don't know.

It's a mystery.

Well, did you clean the bar like I said?

Well, no.

I made a training area outof cabbage and puddles.

Right.

Mystery solved.

I mean, this is idiotic.

I-- I'm calling it of.

No, don't.

I found her.

- Really? - Deffo.

I'd know her anyway. - Are you sure?

I swear down.

This is definitely her.

All right. Come on, then.

Mm.

Oh.

On your marks.

Get set.

Slither!

[whistle blows]

[cheering]

Go on, Shelley.

Shit him up, Brutus

Go on, you big bastard!

Come on.

MARCUS: Let's go, Shelley.

Crank it up, girl!

GRUMIO: Come on, Shell.

Get your head in the game.

What's wrong with her, Grumio?

I don't know.

She's not herself.

How'd you get all the way over there?

Oh.

Hello, Shelley, love.

[whistle blows]

We have a winner!

Number three, Brutus!

[cheers and applause]

JASON: You can do this.

It's just a snip.

One little snip and we get to keep the bar,

and you get to keep your girlfriend.

It's a win-win.

It is in no way a win-win, Grumio.

I'm about to be circumcised by a barber.

All right.

Hitch your tunic up, please, fam.

Look, it's not like you canask the Rabbi to do it, is it?

Anyway, you'll be fine.

Viggo's a genius.

You said he took off too much last time.

Oh, is that right?

Well, maybe just like a teensy bit.

And please don't dothat in this case, Viggo.

This is just a trim.

I can't really afford to lose any more.

Just a trim.

I hear you.

But then, we're quits on the tab, by the way,

'cause this is definitelynot in my look-book.

All right.

Keep still, then, bruv.

[whimpering]

[chopping]

You've not been in synagogue.

I was starting to worry that you lapsed back.

Ha!

No, not at all.

I've been praying from home.

Just been a bit busy with stuff.

OK.

Well, the appeal's all done.

I just need to post it, and Baruch Hashem,

you're in the clear.

Baruch Hashem.

You're amazing.

So are you coming in, or not?

Your brother's not in, is he?

No.

No one else is in.

Oh, good.

We've got the whole place to ourselves.

Um, ooh.

Uh-- actually, maybe we should wait a bit.

This is like waiting for the bloody Messiah.

[chuckles]

I'm done with waiting.

Just, I'm quite sensitive, is all.

I really like that about you.

Mm.

Yeah, OK.

Let's do this.

Mm.

[shouts]

No, no, I can't.

Holy shit, that hurts!

What? Well, what is it?

Let me see. - No.

Please.

I've only just been circumcised.

You've been-- what?

Why would you?

'Cause I'm not a Jew.

I just look like one andneeded help with my taxes.

Are you serious?

You're just some nebbishdicke schnorrer?

I don't even know what that means.

Have a guess.

Some kind of lying arsehole?

Well, it's close enough.

Look, Rebecca, I'm really sorry.

I really, really like you, and I'd

love to keep seeing you as mygirlfriend and my accountant.

Well, to be clear, Marcus,I'm no longer either.

Oh.

[groans]

Ooh.

I am really sorry for everything.

I can take care of the postage.

Well, I saved the bar, then,by the skin of my teeth,

or penis, in this case.

Thank you both for contributingabsolutely nothing.

Well done, bro.

Look, I got you a littlepressie just to say thank you.

I rescued it from Viggo'sjust after you passed out.

Oh. My foreskin?

You shouldn't have.

And I'll be contributing big-time

from now on, don't you worry.

MARCUS: Ugh.

By cleaning up nuts?

No.

By winning our money backoff Landlord, and then some.

Now that I found Shelley andcleared out the lookalikes,

we can beat any snail out there.

We could even go on tour with her,

win races in different cities, maybe even

different parts of the Empire.

[crunching]

Or maybe not.

It did sound like a right faff, actually.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[vocalizations]

[SINGING] People, get ready.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Give me a pardon.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Gotta believe it.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Oh, yeah.

Can I conquer you?