Original subtitles

MARCUS: Roses are red, violets are blue.

Hitch up your tunic, I'm going to bone you.

[laughs] Funny, right?

Yeah, that is excellent.

I mean, it's clever funny, isn't it?

I'm going to give it to my date tonight.

A guy in the forum sells 'em for five denari.

Five denari for a rapey poem?

It's not rapey, it's cheeky.

This is what Lupercalia is all about.

Well, no, Lupercalia is aboutcynical shysters flogging tat

to idiots or restaurants hiking up their prices

with hateful love-themed menus.

Like what you're doing?

Correct.

And anyone stupid enough to go out on Lupercalia

deserves everything they get.

Hmm, methinks the real reason that you

hate Lupercalia is that you're a sad wanker who

can't get a date.

I can get a date, mate,I just didn't on purpose.

Who's the lucky lady, then?

Her name is Tabitha.

And according to herprofile, she likes music,

travel, and men with beards.

Profile?

Did you meet her through an agency?

Big time.

And she is gorge.

Check out the picture.

OK, well, yeah, the picture'shot, but she might be not.

Well, what?

How would that work, you moron?

No one actually looks liketheir profile pics, mate.

She's probably some dog-faced swamp monster.

No, she's hot. She'll be hot.

She has to be.

Please be hot.

Do us that poem again.

Yeah, sure.

Roses are red--

Ha ha, I'm laughing already.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIANFEATURING MICHAEL PROPHET,

"WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from my home.

All I got is you.

Lupercalia, set menu,two-course, saucy supper,

60 denari per couple.

Passionate pudding, 8 denari.

Whoa, that sounds good.

What's that?

Just the normal pudding,but twice the price.

I bloody love this festival.

We are going to be heaving with hotties.

Yeah, and their boyfriends.

This thing is for couples.

Yeah, sure, like, at first.

What?

What does that mean?

Mate, Lupercalia is like agraveyard for relationships.

The pressure for romance is way too intense.

Especially at these prices.

So by the end of the night, there's

all these like teary, newly single women

looking to do something stupid.

Or someone stupid.

Exactly.

But it's literally never not worked.

Trust me, you should try it.

Yeah, I think that mightbe too cynical, even for me.

Oh, what are you doing back there?

Ah, nothing.

Just Gloria has been on my case about dealing

with the damp patch in our party walls.

So--

You're hiding from her.

This is how I deal withmost of my problems, yeah.

Marcus.

Gloria.

Hey, didn't see you there.

Pleased I caught you.

What are you up to you later on?

I, uh, don't know.

Why do you ask?

I wondered if youfancied meeting for dinner.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, sounds great.

Of course, it's not a date.

She asked you to dinner on Lupercalia.

She said meeting you for dinner.

It's probably just ameeting because she wants

me to sort out her damp patch.

Yeah, damn right she does.

No, obviously not that one,the boring one in the wall.

But she'll try and make me pay for it.

No, there's always been this sexy, tense vibe

between you and Gloria.

Grumio, isn't that right?

It gets tense around all women, to be honest.

He is right, that hardly singles her out.

Ask her if it's a date then.

What?

I'm not just going to ask her.

I'll look like a clueless twat and damage

my negotiating position ifthe answer turns out to be no.

You'd have to look for clues then.

Like, how much flesh is on show?

Is she getting lashed?

Did she invite you back to hers?

You just need to, like,vibe it out, man, all right?

Mm, OK.

You'll have to cover for me here then.

Fine by me.

More sad stunners for the rebound king.

Hang on.

Not fine by me.

Why should he get the night off?

He's got a hot date.

It might just be a hot meeting.

Grumio, get asked out by anyone or anything

and you can have the night off.

Sweet, I'll ask myself out, then.

No, that obviously doesn't count.

Grumio, would you like tocome for dinner with me tonight?

Why, yes, Grumio, I'd loveto, I thought you'd never ask.

Great idea, Grumio.

Maybe you'll inviteyourself back for a nightcap

and try and get lucky.

I will, actually.

And I know for a fact I'll succeed.

Roses.

Lupercalia roses.

Rose for the lady, sir?

Oh, it's you.

Happy Lupercalia, beaky.

Yes, hello Landlady.

Cashing in on the festivities, I see.

Always.

You're out tonight, are you?

I figured you would spend Lupercalia

at home wanking and crying.

Well, the night is young.

I'm actually meeting someone first.

Oh, well, then you've got to take her a rose.

It's a done thing.

No, I know.

But I'm not actually sureif it's a date or not.

She owns the laundry next door and we've

got some damp to sort out.

And then she invited me fordinner and didn't mention it,

so I don't really knowwhere I stand, rose wise.

What do you reckon as a sort of woman?

I say, I think it is a dateand you should take her a rose.

Yeah, but actually, you would say that,

wouldn't you, because you're selling roses.

So I'll tell you what, I'll pay for it

anyway so you can be honest.

Right, now I'm thinking that it isn't a date

and you shouldn't take her a rose.

You see, again, I think you would

say that because now you getto keep the rose and the money.

So tell you what, I'll takeit anyway, just to be safe.

Well, whatever it is,you're sure to fuck it up.

Mind those thorns now.

Roses!

[music playing]

Hello?

Good evening.

Table for one, please.

Uh-huh, you're having your date here, then?

Well, I have to look at the menu.

And I can stick it on my tab.

But you know it's a couples menu.

You get two of everything.

Perfect.

I'll be eating for two, then.

Give me two starters andtwo of your sharing plates.

Two sharing plates?

Then you'll be eating for four.

Well, it's date night, innit?

I'm gonna spoil myself rotten.

Hello?

Yes, hi.

Do come in.

Oh, hi, sorry, yes.

Table for two, please.

No, Theo, this won't do.

It's a bit dead, isn't it?

Sorry, yes, of course.

Shall we toddle on?

What?

Oh, not dead.

We're just getting going.

No, don't toddle on. Toddle in.

You can have any table youlike, even the one he's sat on.

Oh? Piss off.

I'll look after you, I promise.

Any twists or turns this evening may take,

I'll be right here for you,waiting as your waiter.

Oh, go on then.

Thank you.

And I'm in.

I mean, I was hoping for more options.

But I can work with this.

Keep up my Lupercalis strike rate.

Yeah, I'm not interested inmy waiter's personal life, OK?

I came here for somequality time with myself.

Now fetch me my starters please, lad.

Quick smart.

Evening.

Happy Lupercalia.

Yes, you too.

[music playing]

Gloria, hi.

Oh, we're doing that, are we?

I was going to go for a kiss.

Were you?

Oh, fine. Let's do that, too.

OK.

Ooh.

Sorry, I'm late.

It took me ages to find something to wear.

Well, you made the right choice.

You look lovely.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't really choose it.

Most of my clothes have gone moldy because

of that effing damp.

This is the only thing that survived.

Right, yes, of course, the damp.

Which we really do need to talk about.

Absolutely.

It's my top priority.

Yeah, well, let's get a drink first.

That's my priority.

I'm absolutely gagging for some wine.

You're drinking, right?

Uh, I am if you are.

Good man.

Might as well get a bottle, then.

Ooh, and maybe some oysters.

Come on, you fuckers, argue.

Waiter?

All right, Grumio, date going well?

Well, the company'stop draw, but the service

is a bit of a letdown.

I'm still waiting on my second sharing plate.

Excuse me.

Oh, hello.

How can I help?

Which way is the toilet?

There's no signs in here.

Yet, there's no need.

You just follow the yellowy stain.

Look.

Waiter, I am waiting.

Just a sec.

So you two been together long?

Oh, yes, 12 years.

12 years, whoa.

That is long.

Too long, in a way.

Sorry, how do you mean?

Well, the sparks probably gone, innit?

Ah, I wouldn't say that.

Yeah, I know, you'restuck in a rut, crap sex,

arguing about money, wondering where it's all going.

Hey, cloth ears, fetch me my grub now.

Get it yourself, you lazy prick.

It's fine.

He's not a proper customer.

Sorry, yes, of course.

So you were saying your relationship

is dead in the water?

Actually I was thinking ofdoing something quite bold.

Exactly, get out whilst you can.

And asking her to marry me.

Are you sure you want to do that?

100%.

In fact, sorry, can do me a favor, chum,

and conceal this in the desert.

I'd really love it to be a surprise, you see.

Yeah, no, I'd be happy to.

Aw, what a lovely gesture.

And you can forget abouta tip, you lazy dickhead.

Now, blood is a fucker.

If you don't get it early enough,

that ain't never coming out.

If someone comes in with a bloody tunic,

I usually suggest they tryand bleed over the whole thing

just to even it out.

Now semen stains, much easier, of course.

Yeah, you can just sort ofscrape it off once it's dry,

I imagine.

Is that your adolescence,just staining and scraping?

Interspersed with the odd Greek lesson, yeah.

I bet the girls were beating your door down.

No, my mum was beating my door down.

The girls were elsewhere.

Well, more for them.

A menu for you, madam.

Thank you.

For you, sir.

Thanks.

I'll leave that with you.

Cheers.

A Lupercalia menu?

Ah, shit, I completely forgot that was today.

No wonder this place is full of couples.

You all right?

Uh, yeah.

What are you doing down there?

Oh, fuck!

Oh!

What's happening?

Oh, um, I think somethingjust stabbed me in my organ.

Stabbed?

What stabbed you?

I think it must be a splinter from the chair.

Ah, God, it really stings.

Ah, shit, I hope it's still functional.

Look, these shit bags have hiked up the prices

for Lupercalia anyway.

Why don't we just go back to my place,

I'll rustle us something up.

You can sort out your organ.

Back to your place?

Mm, yeah.

OK, great.

One passionate pudding, two spoons.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Mm, no, I don't like it.

Oh, sorry, well, I--

do push on if you can, babe, because--

I don't like it, Theo.

I just said, it's rank.

Sure, no, absolutely.

Sorry, I-- Tell youwhat, why don't I dig in,

see what's in there.

Sorry, sorry.

Is this definitely the rightpassionate pudding, waiter?

Yeah, should be.

Try and swap it for cheese.

Theo.

Sorry, one sec, babe.

I just-- I thought it hada special ingredient in it,

a very expensive ingredient.

Yeah, I know.

I put it in myself.

And then I--

Oh, I love you too, Grumio.

Ah, oh.

Oh, don't tease me now.

Oh.

You greedy bastard, Grumio.

You were the one whotold me to get me own food.

And to be fair, that musthave been some budget bling

because it slid straight down.

Didn't even touch the sides.

That ring belonged to my late grandmother.

Theo, what are you doing?

I'm sitting here like a lemon.

Uh, one sec, babe.

Just talking through cheese options.

Oh shitters, right.

I need to get that ring back, buster.

All right, chill.

Lucky for you, your ring'sinside one of the fastest

digestive systems in Rome.

It's true.

His gut is an absolute shit storm.

OK, so what's the plan?

Grab them prunes and thatcolander, meet me in the bogs.

Hey, I'll keep her occupied.

Don't you worry.

This can still be a greatLupercalia for everyone.

Thank you.

Sorry, that's jolly decent of you.

Toilet's down the hall.

Do you want me to give you a hand?

Uh, I can handle it.

Ah.

You little prick.

What?

Oh, hello.

Who are you?

I'm Barney, Gloria's son.

Who are you?

Son?

OK.

Well, I'm Marcus, Gloria's--

Actually, I'm not entirely sure who

I am in relation to your mum.

She hasn't said anything, has she,

about what she's doing tonight?

She said she was out for dinner.

Uh-huh, OK, I knew that.

And does she do that alot, have dinners with men?

Are you calling my mum a slag?

No, I'm not calling her anything.

I'm just asking if she's, uh--

What?

She's giving off a lot ofmixed signals, that's all.

And I thought if you knewwhether it was a date or not.

It isn't.

Mm-hmm, OK.

Why do you say that?

You're not her type.

She likes big tough guys, not weedy pussies.

I am not a weedy pussy, thank you very much.

I'm going to tell her thatyou don't know if it's a date

or not. - Please don't do that.

And that you're playingwith your dick in the loo.

I wasn't.

I was extricating my dick from a rose thorn.

Ha, that's even better.

Well, no, you will not tell your mum.

Oh, yeah?

Or what?

What are you going to do about it?

Wine at me? - No.

With your weedy, whiny voice.

I'll rip your tongue outand shove it up your arse.

What?

That's right, I'll make you lick your own bum,

you dirty little boy.

Not so tough now, are you?

It just won't do.

I mean, what is he even doing in there?

I don't know.

I think he's got somebusiness with the little guy

from the other table.

It's lucky I'm here, though, to fill in.

Oh, this is so typical of Theo.

Oh, completely.

Men.

Expecting me to justwait around while he parks

the chariot or goes to work.

All my friends are married by now,

but no, not me, yet another Lupercalis

where I go home without a ring.

I mean, it's not on, is it?

It's criminal, it's what it is.

I mean, a gorgeous girl like you,

if he's not serious about you,you should just cut him loose.

I mean, I always knew itwas going to be rocky for us.

I'm an Ares, Theo's a Capricorn.

I didn't expect him to just takesome small man to the toilets.

Wait, sorry, you're an Ares.

I'm a classic Ares, why?

Because I'm an Ares.

Just today I was thinking Inever meet any other Areses.

Wow, finally.

Prune.

I mean, do I actually haveto be here holding this?

You do, yeah.

I like having a target.

Sorry, right, of course.

I'll be honest, this isn'treally the kind of Lupercalia

I had in mind.

You're telling me.

I'm meant to be on a bloody date night.

I should have proposed toher years ago, but I didn't.

I wanted to wait until Icould afford an apartment.

But oh, Jove, holy Jove, I've buggered it all up.

Ah, shut it, will you?

You're making my tense. I need to be loose.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I just don't think I can live without her.

We better get this ring outof my guts, then, haven't we?

Yes, please, thank you.

Sorry, you really are being anabsolute star about all this.

I am, yeah.

Maybe give me a back a ruband see if it helps along a bit.

Yes, of course, sorry.

And pop in another prune.

He's a sweet boy.

Well, he can be.

Given all the aggro over the last few years

between me and his dickhead father.

Well, I'd love to meet him one day.

Barney, not his dickhead father.

I think you'd get on well,actually, you and Barney.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure we would.

I love kids. - Oh, yeah?

I guess you were one quite recently.

Sorry to be blunt, but do you mind if we

take this into the bedroom?

The-- Yeah, yeah, well, why not?

Sh, Barney's sleeping.

OK.

Hey, look, it's the damp patch.

Ah, yes, of course.

Can you feel it?

I, uh-- yes.

Isn't it soft and warm?

Yeah.

It's opened up gaps in the masonry.

You can actually fit a finger inside it.

It's just so wet, isn't it?

Yes, it's really wet.

Barney?

Barney's gone.

Barney, Marcus, come here quick.

Yeah, yeah, just one minute.

This is crazy.

What are we doing?

We're just following our stars.

It's written that me and youmeet and have sex in a cellar.

I can't, not withoutbreaking up with Theo first.

I'm too moral.

I really can't cheat on him.

Yeah, you can.

It's easy.

And you can't dump the guy onLupercalia, that's well harsh.

Yeah, you're right.

We'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Uh, no, OK.

You were right before, you should dump him now.

Barney!

Barney!

Barney!

Barnabas!

I mean, why would he just run off like that?

He's having a tough time at school recently.

I can't afford to get him the latest

sandals or the right abacus.

He's being targeted by bullies.

Honestly, the things theysay, just atrocious, really

violent, graphic threats.

Oh, dear, that's--

I hate that.

If it's true, of course,he might be making it up,

that does happen.

Well, it's made him wet the bed again.

He's not making that up.

I've had more than one damppatch to deal with recently.

Yeah, look about that,the wall, I'll pay for it.

You've clearly got enough on your plate as it is.

Oh, thank you, Marcus.

That is so sweet of you.

Roses!

Fancy a rose, do you?

Oh, it's you again, beaky.

Do you want another rose?

Or is it time you startedwanking and crying?

Well, I've no idea what that's about.

Weird woman.

Come on, I think I know where he is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is the gents.

You shouldn't be in here.

Oh my Jove, Theo.

Babe, wait, sorry, I can explain.

It's too late.

It's over.

I've put up with this shit for 12 years.

And then you just abandon me onLupercalia in some skanky bar.

- All right, it's not that bad.- I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

To play some sicko sexgame with this tiny diner.

You what?

Sex game?

What kind of sex game would this be?

I don't know.

I don't want to know.

Babe, no, it's nothing like that.

He swallowed a ring I put in thepudding to propose to you with.

We're trying to coax it out.

Oh, come on, that's a bit far fetched, innit?

What?

You know that's what's happening.

He's desperate.

He'll say anything to string you along.

I know, Capricorn scum.

Oh, for Jove's sake.

Pick that one out.

It's in here.

Look, the ring is in here.

What? No.

Is it?

I think my rings in there and all.

Now will you two please sort this out.

You're clearly perfect for each other.

You're all like, this won't do, Theo.

And you're like, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I suppose we are a bit.

Flora Antonia Modius, notexactly how I planned to do

this, but will you marry me?

Yes, I will.

I'd give it a rinse first.

Yes, good idea.

Sorry.

Sorry if the evening hasn'trun as expected, Marcus.

No, really, I wasn't quite sure what

to expect, to be honest.

So is this is a friend's house or--

No, it's his dad's.

He's been avoiding him recently.

We keep arguing about how todeal with Barney's bullies.

Right, well, diplomacyis always the best policy,

I think.

Me too.

Unfortunately, he would preferto beat the shite out of him.

[barking]

CYRUS: Down!

Down boy!

Maybe I should go.

I wondered when you'd show up.

Hello, Cyrus.

Is Barney here?

Might be.

Who's this pecker?

Barney, come here, please.

This your new boyfriend, is it?

Been on a little date together, have you?

It's actually none of your business.

Well, no, really, it's fine.

You can tell him.

Maybe you should tell him.

That's him, dad.

That's the guy that said he'd rip out my tongue

and lick my arse?

What?

What the fuck?

Is that what you said?

No, no, I said he'd lick his own arse

after I shoved his tongue up--

I wasn't threatening to lick his--

Thanks for a lovely evening.

Oh, no, you don't.

Ah!

Ah!

All right, so hang on, was it a date or not?

I don't know.

I never found out.

Either way, Lupercalia succeededin taking a shit load of cash

off me.

I mean, how was your night then, Grumio.

There were a rocky patch earlier,

but I reckon I can win myself round.

Oh, lovely.

At least one of us might get some action tonight.

Hey, I'm not giving up that easy.

Lupercalia ain't over yet.

Ah, here he is.

How was Tabitha, then?

Not quite what I hoped.

See, I told you.

Her picture wasn't accurate, right?

Oh, no, it was, about 40 years ago.

You'll see her in a sec.

She's just struggling with the stairs.

We had a bit of a row, actually.

Oh dear, what happened?

It was over that bloody poem.

She found it offensive.

I find that offensive.

That poem were quality.

Well, I wouldn't worry about Tabitha.

I think her night's looking up.

Hey, Tabitha, how you doing, baby.

Happy Lupercalia.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN FEATURING VINCENT NAP, "I CAME, I SAW"]

[SINGING] Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Hear me, darling.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Gotta believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?