Original subtitles

NERO: This is the free weights area,

steam room down the corridor.

That's the chill out and chat zone.

Open 24/7, 365.

So whether you're here towork, not work, or network,

Elysium's always there for you.

Wow.

This is amazing.

We have daily classes.

Yoga, boxer-size, or maybe doyou like legs, bums, and tums?

You just named my three favorite things.

We also offer around the clockbuffet, hot and cold beverage

station, and a smoothie bar.

Keep talking.

I plan to.

All club rules and info herein our brochure, or as we

call it, our manifesto.

Elysium, not just a wellnesscenter, a way of life.

Now, are you interested in joining?

- Fuck yes. - Just a bit.

Huge.

Our membership packages atjust 95 denarii a month.

In that case, no.

Absolutely not.

We'll just do the free trial.

We got vouchers.

Oh, right.

Vouchers.

[THEME - JULIAN OLI FEAT.

MICHAEL PROPHET, "WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

I bloody love a smoothie.

It's all the pleasure of eatingwithout the hassle of chewing.

Oh, I might have a crackat the hot yoga in a bit.

Have a crack at the hot yogainstructor I think you mean.

Well, both hopefully.

Oh.

Then, maybe I'll get a facial.

No.

We don't have time for facials.

We've got go to work.

So I was thinking,instead of going to work,

why don't we pretend to be ill?

Yeah.

That's a great idea.

Pretend to who?

It's our bar.

Oh, please, man.

It's not a bar.

It's a toilet.

I don't want to spend another day in a toilet.

Neither do I. But if we want it

to be more bar-y in less toilet-y,

we need money to do it up.

And obvious point really, we won't make

any money unless we're open.

Then, you open it.

I think I should cotch today.

I'm actually getting abit peaky all of a sudden.

Right.

Grumio?

Actually, I might cotch til tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

How will that work?

Jase, in the bumf, does itsay the vouchers are for a trial

day or a trial session?

Oh, hang on.

Elysium vouchers entitle thebearer to a one-use free trial

session. - Boom.

And I'm in.

Sessions can last more than a day, mate.

Damn right.

I've had sessions thathave lasted several days.

Why stop there?

You can stay for a week, or a month.

In fact, why not justmove in here permanently?

Well, why wouldn't we?

We've got everything we need.

Food, beds, hot yoga instructors.

As long as we stay put, it's all one session.

OK.

Now, I can't tell if you'rebeing serious or not.

- That does look pretty serious.- OK.

Great.

I'll run the bar on my own then.

Maybe see you in a few years.

I'll have made my millions and can

finally afford to come back.

Yeah.

See you then.

Tell my mom I love her.

Lovely.

Another one of your scrummypink smoothies, please, Nero?

Uh huh.

That'll be your fifth so far, dude.

I know.

I'm getting my five a day.

Yeah.

The Charioteer contains five fruits already.

So that'd be more like 25 a day.

I thought you guys were all about wellness.

And we are.

But the whole idea of the trialis to experience everything

we have to offer here. - Gotcha.

In that case, I'll try a green smoothie.

That's not really what I meant,

but that one's called Kale Caesar.

Oh, nice.

Not nice. Not nice.

Horrid.

It tastes like liquid veg.

Yeah, well, it is.

Kale is a vegetable.

Fuck me.

That's proper nasty.

Need a pink one now to take the taste away.

Enjoy.

Well, the villa's pure bliss.

And I'm loving the new orchard.

But to be honest, the problem now is

I've just got too much money.

Oh, you poor thing.

Well, you joke.

But the admin's a mare.

I'm seriously thinking aboutgetting out of minerals

to ease the pressure, maybefind something smaller

and funkier to invest in herein the city, something hip,

you know, that my kids would think was cool.

Let me know if you hear of anything.

Will do.

Two more breaths.

Gonna move to all fours.

Other arm back to the heel.

Take it back to down dog.

That's all right.

Namaste.

Namaste.

Hey, Cleo.

I'm Jason.

That was amazing and hot.

Oh my Jove, look at you.

You're absolutely dripping.

Yeah.

The inside of my loinclothlike's a bloody swamp.

Oh, that's right.

Sweating's like crazy healthy.

Just make sure you drink loads.

We could drink loads, together,

if you like, maybe over dinner.

I'm not sure.

I don't usually get with my students.

Please?

I'm a really nice guy.

I promise, not some Downward Dog.

Go on then.

I live by the Esquiline Gate.

Meet me there at 8.

Yes.

No.

Actually, thinking about it, I kind of

prefer to go somewhere aroundhere, if that's all right.

Yeah. Sure.

There's this OK tapas place nearby.

Yeah.

Tapas is good.

Or how about that restaurant nearby?

You mean the canteen?

It's really nice.

Have you tried it?

Yeah.

I've had lunch here everyday for the last eight years.

OK. Great.

Then, you know you like it.

Ciao for now.

Excuse me. Hi.

Hi.

Yes.

What?

Sorry.

I couldn't help butoverhear your conversation

in the changing room.

The villa sounds great by the way.

Thank you.

It's bliss.

What can I do for you, friend?

Yes.

You said you were on the lookoutfor some hip, new investments.

And I think I might have just the thing.

I am indeed.

And I would love to hear about it, genuinely.

Excellent.

But I need to pick up mydaughter from an audition.

So-- - OK.

We could meet another time?

Absolutely.

Just call on me when you're next here

and you can give me the full pitch.

Right.

Yes.

Here as in--

Elysium.

Oh, it's fine.

All the members do business here.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I know we do.

It's just I'm not 100% as towhen I'll next be back, so--

Well, I'm sure we'll run into each other.

I'm in here all the time.

Great.

Me too.

Until then.

I hope your daughter gets the part.

She bloody well should do, friend.

I own the theater.

That was quick.

Made your millions already?

I might've done actually.

Cheers.

Cause people thinkyoga's just for the body.

But it also really clears the mind.

Sometimes, when I'm doing the poses,

honestly like my brain's completely empty.

Oh, that must be wicked,cause I'm quite a sort

of think-y person, you know?

So I'd love to have anempty head and a bendy bod.

Then, yoga's the answer.

You have to put the hours inthough, spend a lot of time

in this place.

Yeah.

That won't be a problem.

All right then, Swampy Pants,you can be my little project.

We could go back to mine and make

a head start, try somepositions that are a bit hotter.

Oh, yes, please.

But, you know what wouldbe even hotter than going

back to your place?

Staying here and doing it in like a corner.

A corner?

Yeah.

Or behind that large fern.

Them ferns creep me out a bit.

OK.

So is there a Yucca ormaybe just a basic hedge?

I got the keys to the store room.

Or a storeroom.

Exactly.

[moaning]

My legs.

Actually, I don't think I can support you.

You need to engage your core.

I don't think I've got one.

I would've walked her home.

But obviously, that's out of bounds.

So I just escorted her to reception.

How romantic.

And are you planning on seeing her again?

Well, yeah, that's the beauty of it.

I'll see her at yoga class tomorrow.

It's all so convenient.

Apart from lying about where you live

and having sex in a cupboard.

Wow.

You've really made the most of your free trial.

Hope you've enjoyed yourselves lads.

We have, very much, thanks.

And we'll continue to do so.

Oh, so you're gonna become members.

Congrats. That's huge.

No. Don't be daft.

We're just gonna keep trying it out.

Sorry, hombre, the trial's over.

It's the end of the day.

Well, according to your manifesto,

the trial is measured persession and not per day

and our session has only just begun.

Read it and weep, dickhead.

But that's-- headoffice clearly meant day.

Well, they should've put day then shouldn't they?

Unless, of course, themanifesto is a load of guff.

The Elysium manifesto is not a load of guff.

Sweet.

Thought not.

See you in the morning then.

Oh, and blow them candlesout on your way out, will you?

There's a love.

And how long were youplanning to keep this up,

out of interest?

Who knows?

Maybe a week, maybe a month.

Maybe forever.

I won't be staying forever.

I'm just waiting for a business meeting.

This won't work you know.

I will flush you out.

Bring it on.

But I warn you.

Like a giant, floaty turd, weare pretty much unflushable.

Really?

Well, I guess in that case, I'lljust have to turn up the heat.

And that's just for starters.

That is quite warm actually.

Morning, Lydia.

Another day in paradise.

All right, Cyrus.

Keep working that jab, son.

All right.

Hey, Euclid, nice bush.

Hey, Grumio.

Salve, Nero.

Morning, Grumio.

Sleep well? - Not bad, thanks.

I'm getting used to the steam.

It's tropical, isn't it? - Oh, good.

That's great to hear.

Now, what can I get you for breakfast today?

I'll start off with a pair of pink smoothies

and a plate of beef. - Oh, no.

Sorry, dude.

The Charioteer is offthe menu, as is the beef.

In fact, the only thing thatwas serving from now on is kale.

What?

Only k-- only kale?

You're flicking me bean.

This is a state of the art wellness center.

You can't just serve kale.

We can actually.

And given you're sofamiliar with the manifesto,

you already know that the items on the buffet

may vary according to availability

and the discretion of the manager, i.e.

me.

Well, the manager'sdiscretion is a disgrace.

I won't stand for it and nor will the members.

Well, they won't mind.

They'll either eat the kale or get something

else when they go home, which isexactly what you'll have to do.

No.

You're not getting rid of methat easy, you crafty bastard.

I'm here for the long haul.

Uh huh.

Hunger strike then, is it?

Not my style, son.

I'll just have one of them green smoothies.

Because actually, thinking about it,

I'm quite partial to a bit of kale.

OK.

Huge.

Here we go.

One Kale Caesar, a nutritiousblend of liquid veg.

Oh, lovely.

Kale Caesar.

See you for lunch, hombre.

Can't wait.

Isn't it lovely to go for a nice walk?

It's hardly a walk.

We're doing laps of the courtyard.

I thought you wanted to strollalong the river or something.

With all that pollution?

Why would you want to go there?

Because it's not the bathhouse.

Look, I'm really into you, Jason,

and your core strength is improving.

But I don't get why we never go outside.

It's like we're hiding from something.

Why would we hide?

What is it then?

Tell me.

OK.

Fine.

The reason I don't leave the bathhouse

is because I sort of live here.

Sorry?

You what?

I came for a free trialand I just ended up staying.

I sleep in the steam room.

I eat in the canteen.

I bathe in the-- well,it's a bathhouse, isn't it?

So what?

You're saying you haven'tleft here since I met you?

Well, I can't.

Well, I can.

But you know, then, the trial expires.

And I'm really committed tothis and our relationship,

obviously.

That means our relationship'swell weird though, doesn't it?

Why?

What's weird about this?

Well, because we can't do anyof the normal couple-y stuff,

like, I don't know, meet each other as friends.

You can meet my friends anytime.

They live here too.

I'll introduce you now.

Grumio.

And I can meet your friendsif they ever become members

or get jobs at the bathhouse.

But what about along the lineif we ever want to settle down?

We do it all here.

We pop out a couple of bathhouse babies,

turn the store room into a creche.

It's the idealenvironment to raise kids.

It's safe.

It's warm.

And think how toned they'll be.

Yeah.

They will be really toned.

Jase, I don't know.

Come on, Cleo.

We can do this.

You just need to be open-minded.

You want my body to be moreflexible for you, right?

Well, I need your mind tobe more flexible for me.

You can meet Grumio another time.

He's sneakier than I thought.

He's found my weak spot andis properly prodding it.

It's torture.

Have you tried the kale fritters?

I thought they were all right.

I don't want to try kale in any form, mate.

I'd rather try cannibalism.

Don't look at me like that.

Still no sign of him?

Nothing.

It's been four days.

He said he was in here all the time.

He probably doesn't mean like we do.

Yeah.

Well, I'm thinking of callingit a day and going home.

You and me both.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is crazy talk.

We're living the dream here.

You can't jack it in now.

Do you guys want to live in aluxury urban bathhouse or not?

- No. - Oh, yeah.

Well, I forgot you don't.

I do.

Well, then, you got to adapt.

Get over your beef with kale.

Beef with kale would be fine.

I'd just take the beef.

Take me, for example.

I am training like mad toget strong and bendy core,

so I can pump in the pantry.

Pantry?

Where's the pantry?

It's in the staff area.

My point is, you got to findyour own coping strategy.

You can't let this chump beat you.

Well, I'm already doing so much

to get me on back, as it goes.

Nice.

What we talking?

I piss in the plunge pool, mainly.

You piss in plunge pool,that you're sitting in now?

Yeah.

Just did one second ago.

EVANDER: I've actually got too much money.

Oh, hey.

Fancy seeing you here.

Hey.

Remind me.

We met here, the other day.

We were going to discussan investment opportunity.

Yes. Sorry.

I've been flat out.

This is my first time back since.

I know.

I mean, I know what it's like.

Lucky we ran into each other.

Well, what stage are you at?

Have you finished your workout or--

Yeah. All done with that.

Oh, shame.

I was gonna suggest that wetalk turkey while we work-y.

Oh, I could do more work-y.

I actually went pretty easyon myself first time round.

Good man.

I've got something to show you.

Look, mom, no hands.

Oh, Jason, that's amazing.

Don't call me mum though.

It's all down to your class, babe.

You must've been squatting round

the clock to improve this fast.

I just wanted to prove how committed

I am to you and the bath house.

I'm crazy about both of you.

And people eat anddrink there, in a toilet?

It's not a working toilet.

We had the toilets taken out.

So what happens when acustomer needs the toilet?

Well, then, we had another toilet put in.

But don't get bogged downin the toilet aspect.

The point is, it's a very cool bar.

And with a bit of investment,it could be massive.

Look, friend, I can't lie.

This is not my field.

Thus far, my company,Evander Asset Management,

has mainly invested in the mining industry.

Well, take it from me, Evander,

the leisure sector is a gold mine.

That's cute.

I like that.

And nowadays, young,high-rolling hipsters are

splashing their cash onplaces rather than products,

be it luxury bathhouses or buzzy wine bars.

Yes.

Well, I do want to tap into that youth market.

And that last bit didn't sound like total shit.

Thank you.

Let me think about it.

I'm off to my villa in the AM.

How about we circle back here on my return?

Right.

Yes.

Where is your villa, out of interest?

Sicily.

Pure bliss.

GRUMIO: So when will that be?

No idea.

He's going to his huge Sicilian villa.

It could take him a weeksjust to see every wing.

I think I've just got toaccept that I am now officially

here for the long haul.

Boom.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Evening, lads.

Just thought I'd come and administer

your nightly turndown service.

Cheers, Nero.

You do look after us.

Whoa. No.

Nuh-uh.

Where in hot fuck did you get that pineapple?

What? This?

It was sitting next to the beef and the cheese.

Bullshit.

You must've been in the storeroom.

There's no other way. Who was it?

Who let you in?

Not telling.

That beef is a contraband buffet item.

You need to give it back, dude.

Get off!

Give it me.

[sizzle]

Oh!

My ass.

You singed my buns.

[laughs]

Oh, OK.

I know who it was.

Oi, Nero, wait.

This isn't her fault. Shehad nothing to do with it.

And hold, hold, hold, 2, 3, 4.

Roll up your mat and getout of here, you bendy bitch.

What?

I'm in the middle of a class here, Nero.

You allowed unauthorizedpersonnel into the store room,

didn't you? - Oh, shit.

And let them steal contraband food.

No, no.

That's not why.

Me and Jase were just having sex in there.

Whoa. OK.

Well, that's even worse.

To be fair, there aren't many places

for people to do it in here.

That's because we don'twant people to do it in here.

Makes sense.

But we didn't steal anything.

It was just in and out.

JASON: Yeah.

All the theft was Grumio.

He snuck in whilst we were at it.

Lovely stuff.

Oh my god, you little perv.

How much did you see?

Not much actually.

I were mainly looking for beef.

Great core strength, by the way.

Oh, cheers, man. Yeah.

It's all about them deep squats.

Yeah, keeping those heels on the deck.

Either way, you've brokenstuff rules by taking guests

into the store room, Cleo?

And that's a sackable offense.

No, please, Nero.

I really need this job.

I'm so happy here.

Yeah, come on.

Don't sack her.

There's no need for that.

OK.

Look, she can keep her job on one condition,

that you three apes leave thebathhouse immediately, thereby

ending your trial session.

Thank you, Nero.

We really appreciate that.

Well, hang on a sec, babe.

What?

Why?

Surely there's no contest.

Jason.

NERO: It's your court, hombre.

What's more important to you?

Your girlfriend or the bathhouse?

You really are an awful human being, aren't you?

But with such great skin.

And there'll be other yoga instructors.

Exactly.

And I quite fancy that old cleaner

actually, just to tide me over.

Oh.

Hey, Nero.

When do we meet the new yoga teacher?

Never, because you're leaving.

Nice one.

Don't let me get the manifesto out again.

I'm afraid the manifestois now null and void,

as is Elysium itself.

We're being taken over by a major investor.

And sadly for you, Evander Leisure doesn't

offer free trial sessions.

Sorry, Evander?

As in--

Hey, you're back from Sicily.

I was hoping to run into you, friend.

I wanted to thank you.

You're welcome.

What for?

For encouraging me to diversify,

to invest in the leisure sector.

Yeah.

I did specifically mean our bar.

Any chance you'll still do that?

Oh, god no.

I want to put all my energy into this place

rather than flush my money down a toilet.

It's a bar.

Toilet bar, bar toilet.

It's a branding shit storm either way.

You know, if you reallywanted to thank Marcus here,

you could always give him andhis mates lifetime membership.

Oh, well, I'd prefer to leave that sort of thing

to the discretion of the club manager.

And that's a no from me.

Leave your robes and slippersat reception on your way out,

will you boys?

We'll just go get ourclothes from the lockers first.

You won't actually, dude.

As part of the rebrand,the contents of the lockers

have been incinerated.

I kind of missed this as it goes.

The traffic, the dogs, the dirt, the dog dirt.

It's actually good to be back.

Oh, no, Grumio, please, shield it.

You shield it, if you don't like it.

[THEME - OLI JULIAN FEAT.

VINCENT NAP, "I CAME I SAW"]

[SINGING] I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Gotta believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Oh yeah.

Can I conquer?

I gotta conquer.