Original subtitles

So did you hear our great leader this week?

Yeah, the people's champion,he's calling himself now.

And what's the first thing he decides to do?

Oh, that's right, commissiona giant statue of himself

riding a golden horse.

[laughter]

Because that's exactly what thepeople have been asking for,

isn't it?It's like he can read our minds.

[laughter]

That is excellent.

Is it?

It's just talking.

It's far more than just talking, Grumio.

This is great satire.

And let's face it, who needs food

or affordable housing whenthere's a giant man on a horse

to look at?

[laughter]

What do you reckon?

Yeah, I would.

No, I'm asking if you think she's any good,

you bloody caveman.

Oh, I don't know.

I've not been listening.

I'm not a big fan of horseracing at the best of times,

but at least, those ones move.

[laughter]

Sod this, there's a guyaround the corner who can bend

this knob into funny shapes.

Off you go then, sounds about your level.

[laughter]

Eh, I think that mightbe my level too, actually.

[laughter] - What?

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN, "WHEN IN ROME"]

Yeah, When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

Oh, thank you so much forcoming, glad you enjoyed it.

Bye bye.

Hey, Minerva, that was amazing.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Thank you for coming.

Can I ask, would you ever consider

playing a more intimate venue?

Oh, it's not your bedroom,is it, you bloody pervert?

[laughs] No, not that intimate.

It's the Crown and Toga on the Aventine.

Oh, yeah, would there befree booze involved perchance?

Absolutely.

And potentially, even some nuts.- Oh!

[laughter]

I'm Marcus, the owner.

Well, Marcus, the owner, maybeI'll come by and check it out.

[music playing]

Yes, I love it, a cabaret night.

But we should put a lineup together.

Who said anything about a cabaret night?

It's just Minerva.

No, that will look budgetif we just have one act.

We want variety.

We should get the dick guy.

They were proper talented.

Mhm, he made his cock and balls look

exactly like a beef burger.

I had to look away.

They were making me peckish.

Right, well, I'mvetoing that immediately.

But if we are having otheracts, they've got to be classy.

Well, if you want any musical interludes,

I'd be happy to oblige.

I don't know if I've mentioned it.

But I'm a concert-level lutist.

Yes, you mention it at least three times now.

Oh, oh, we're forming a house band.

You on the lute, me on the flute.

Flute?

You're a flutist, are you?

Big time.

I mean, I'm not concert-level exactly.

But back in junior school,I used to shred that thing.

I was like, bah ba bah ba bah, all day long.

Hmm, I think I'd rather play solo.

Well, you can do itsomewhere else then, mate.

If you want to play the mainstage

for the Crown and Toga ,you need management say so.

Well, he has my say so.

Uh!

Well, I say we do the band idea.

Oh, so, Grumio, it's down to you.

Solo lute bullshit or mega awesome house band?

I'm above it.

OK, well, what if I saidyou could also be in the band.

Yeah, I'd go on then.

Sweet!

Motion passed, house band.

[claps]

Fine, but I wantcomplete artistic control.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'mgoing to dig out my flute,

blow out some banging tunes.

[mimics playing]

[music playing]

Well, just man the door,provide a bit better security.

That kind of thing.

What, you're expecting a feisty crowd then?

Any crowd would be a novelty, really.

Tell you what, I could dragany troublemakers up on stage,

slap them about a bit.

I could be funny or sad, depending

on what you're in too.

Very kind.

But I think we'll stick with music and satire.

Suit yourself.

Wow, you didn't tell me it was a toilet.

- Sorry. - [laughs]

I didn't want to put you off.

Huh, no, it's fine.

What better inspiration forthe state of Roman politics.

Ha!

Exactly.

And if people want topiss themselves laughing,

we're covered, so.

[laughs] Let me test the acoustics.

Oh, hello, ladies and gents,are you shitting comfortably?

[laughs]

So what do you reckon?

I mean, it's quite toilety.

But then the owner's cute.

And he's giving me free drinks.

So fuck it, let's go for it.

[claps] Yes!

[music playing]

[inhales] Your turn.

OK.

[clears throat]

[blowing flute]

Sorry, is that "How Happy is the Shepherd?"

Yeah, good spot.

I'm a bit rusty.

That's a kiddies' song.

Yeah, I know.

I've got a gold star for playing it in assembly.

Well, what else can you play?

No, that's-- that's it.

But like, you know, in a band,everyone brings something

different, don't they? You bring the music.

I could bring the swagger.

- Oh, yeah, so what do I bring?- Yeah, I don't know.

You can bring the drinks or something.

- [laughs] - Piss off!

You won't even have thisband if it weren't for me.

Give me something proper.

All right, fine.

I guess any old man can play the drums, right?

Yeah, cool, I'll bang somepots and pans together then.

[clattering] - Hmm, uh.

[banging]

No, no, no, stop it.

That's-- stop it, stop it, stop it, stop.

That's a bit horrid.

Let's look for something less intrusive, I think.

Oh.

[rattling]

Yeah, give them a little shake, maybe.

A jar of beans, are you kidding me?

I look like a rightpillock up on stage shaking

a jar of beans, won't I?

It's fine, no one'seven going to notice you.

They'll be too busy looking at the frontman.

Oh, whoa, the lute guy should be the frontman.

Uh, the hot guy should be the frontman.

Right, and you'll wantfirst dibs on the groupies,

I presume?

JASON: Frontman's prerogative, mate.

AURELIUS: You're not the frontman.

[laughs]

Uh, is the pontifex a pagan?

[laughter]

[wine pouring]

Oh, No!

Dumb jug.

[laughs]

Every time this happens.

Bonkers, isn't it?

It's like we're one of the most advanced

civilizations in history.

We can invent the aqueductand conquer half the world.

And we can't make a jug that pours properly.

[laughs]

What's with that? [chuckles]

Brilliant.

How do you do that?

What?

Just sort of satirize everything.

I don't know.

I guess, I just observe stuffand then give it a spin.

Go on then, do another one.

Uh, OK, uh, have you ever noticed

that, when two people fancy each other

and are scared to fess up, they get pissed

and make a joke out of it?

[laughs] Yeah, I have, actually.

[music playing]

That is classic satire.

[laughter]

[music playing]

It was incredible.

We ended up having sex four times.

Yes, brother, you're a machine.

Four times might be myrecord for an entire year,

let alone one evening.

Mate, I'm going to be breakingsome sexual records of my own

when Cerberus get on stage.

Hang on, Cerberus, sincewhen is the band called that?

Right, so me and Aureliuscame up with it yesterday.

Because Cerberus is like this three-headed dog

that guards the underworld.

And there's three of us, so.

No, I don't--

I don't feel like it.

All right, what would you wantto call the band, grumpy pants?

I've always liked the word gonad.

OK, and do you know what it means?

It's like a fruit or something.

It's like a shit namefor a band is what it is.

Look, you might not like it now.

But one day in the future, you're

going to have to tell your grandkids

that Grandpa Grumio was in theoriginal lineup of Cerberus.

And it's going to blow their tiny minds.

[blowing flute]

[rattling]

[music playing]

Check.

[music playing]

Check, check, 1, 2.

[blowing flute]

Look, one at a time. I haven't finished.

[sighs]

[music playing]

Gloria!

Hey, thanks for coming down.

Well, I heard Minerva was on.

So I thought I'd brave the smell.

I'm a bit of a fan.

Me too.

As it happens, we've just started dating.

So I sort of have to be, really.

You're dating Minerva?

Hmm.

Wow!

I have to say, I've just losta teeny bit of respect for her.

But I've gained a bit for you.

OK, I'll take that.

[music playing]

[chatter]

So hey, and welcome to theCrown and Toga's first cabaret

night.

Woo, welcome, ever--

We are your house band,Cerberus, the three-headed dog.

Guardian of the gates of--

[barks] [howls]

[barks weakly]

Woof.

Joining me on stage is Aurelius on the lute.

I can introduce myself.

And Grumio on beans.

[rattling]

And puffing out that sweet,sweet music on the flute--

[SINGING] it's old sugar lips himself--

your very own Jason.

[chatter]

3, 4.

Oh.

[music playing]

[rattling]

[music playing]

[rattling]

[music playing] [rattling]

[music playing]

Oh, these Bozos are ruining it, ain't they?

I've heard angrier verucas.

Yeah, I don't think Minerva'ssatire crowd are that feisty.

Sorry, what?

Minerva?

Did no one to tell you that women aren't funny.

That is not true and very sexist.

Uh, I suppose if she bombs, she

can always take her kit off.

And that's even worse.

I wouldn't object, though,because she's quite fit.

- Uh, do you reckon? - Hmm.

Because we've actually juststarted seeing each other.

Aah, nice one.

[blowing flute] [fists bumping]

Cheers, man.

[flute and lute playing]

[rattling]

[FLUTE AND LUTE CONTINUES PLAYING]

[groans]

[flute and lute playing]

[groans]

[FLUTE AND LUTE PLAYING INTENSIFIES]

[rattling]

[flute and lute playing fades]

Uugh!

We give you Minerva.

[crowd cheering]

All right, hello.

[laughs] So if it's OK with you, I'd

like to start off bytalking about relationships

because I have actually just started a new one.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Do you know what, we're still at that stage

where we're trying to make agood impression on each other.

You know how it is, wearingyour best loincloth.

[laughter]

Only getting naked when the lights are

dimmed, brushing your teeth.

You know the score.

And having loads of sex.

[crowd whistling]

Loads of sex.

Because like last night we hadsex four times, four times.

[crowd gasping]

[laughs]

Because men think more is better, right?

[crowd cheering]

I would've been happy with one time.

[laughter]

One good one.

One full meal rather thanfour little bowls of nibbles.

[laughter]

Because I'm quite lazy.

And I would have liked to have gone

to sleep after the first time instead of having

some guy pounding away on top of me

like he's trying to dig a well.

[laughter]

I think he thinks if I havea sore vagina in the morning,

then he can't possibly have a small penis.

Well, I've had the same feelingafter a yeast infection.

And that was invisible.

So, you know--

[laughter]

[music playing]

I'll take it back, women are funny.

[laughter]

[music playing]

On the plus side, thecabaret night was a hit, right?

Oh, yeah, a massive hit.

The number of people payingto laugh at my shortcomings

was huge.

We made more money last night than the rest

of the month combined.

- So we should do it again then.- I don't know.

I don't think my ego could take it.

Look, just have a chat with Minerva

and ask her to leave you alone.

Go back to digging out theemperor or whatever she does.

Yeah, maybe she can pick on his penis.

[laughter]

Cerberus need another crack at this.

Last night was a shit show.

Well, it might help if youall played the same song.

I'm not talking about the music.

I didn't get to dust a single groupie.

Of course, I forgot whata house band was therefore.

It must be the costumes.

Well, I'm going to call a bandmeeting and thrash this out.

Morning.

Grumio, band meeting.

Sure, after me and Pris have had our brekkie.

You and--

Priscilla, everyone calls me Pris.

[laughs]

Where you at the gig?

Oh, yeah, best night of my life.

[music playing]

You do realize I'm the frontman?

[music playing]

Oh.

[laughs]

[music playing]

We need to do more toconnect with our audience

during and, crucially, after the gig.

Completely.

Couldn't agree more.

So if anyone has any ideas,well, maybe I'm starting--

Yeah, I've got a few.

Sorry, who is this, please?

Uh, her name is Priscilla.

And she's Grumio's girlfriend, is it?

We prefer not to put a label on it.

Yeah, I'm somewherebetween a muse and a manager.

Right, and does the bean-shaker

definitely need one of them?

- It does actually, yeah.- Hmm.

Even so, I don't think she needs

to be at the band meeting.

Where I go, she goes.

That's the deal.

And you want to listen to herbecause she knows her shit.

Does she now?

And what instrument does she play?

I play thisinstrument, yeah, my gut.

And it's telling me yourpotential is going to waste.

You could be so much better, cooler, sexier.

I promise.

She's right, boys.

We really could.

All right, fine.

She can stay if she makes us sexy.

[music playing]

[chatter]

MINERVA: Oh god, they're building

another temple to Jupiter.

Do you think even Jupiter is like, oh,

come on, guys, give it a rest? it's

starting to look a bit needy?

[laughs] That's funny.

You're funny. - [laughs]

Last night was funny.

Oh, yeah, did you enjoy yourself?

Loved it, yeah.

I mean, the stuff about mewas a bit of a surprise.

I was wondering whetheryou're going to bring that up.

And, you know, a wee bit personal.

[laughs] You know, it wasn't really about you.

Wasn't it?

Is there someone else you'verecently started seeing?

No, well, it was justlike a comic exaggeration.

That's how satire works.

I observe something.

And then I give it a spin.

In that case, couldn't youhave spun me a large penis?

No, because thatwouldn't have been funny.

I don't get that.

But next time, I prefer it ifyou observe something else.

Oh!

Are you censoring me now?

like some big woman-hating patriarch?

What do you want to do?

Cut out my tongue and justuse me for breeding purposes,

is that it?

No, I don't want that.

Because I can always stop gigging at your bar

if you're uncomfortable.

No, uh, uh, I am--

I'm comfortable.

[laughs] Sorry, I'm being an idiot.

Yes, you are.

Come on.

[music playing]

This does not feel sexier.

I think it's a huge improvement.

You're a decent lutist.

But there's something aboutyou that's a bit nauseating.

Maybe it's the beard.

Well, we can shave the beard.

But it could be the face.

So I'll grow more beard.

Just keep facing the wall, I reckon.

And let's shuffle Grumio further forward.

Don't mind if I do.

Well, hang on.

No, he-- he can't go ahead of me.

I'm the frontman.

No you're not.

You're just a vain sleazeusing a stage to pick up girls.

And?

Grumio's the only one offeringsomething original here.

He's the one with star quality.

And star quantity.

He's kind of carrying you two.

Yeah, and it's exhausting.

So with that in mind, we want to change

the name of the band and all.

Ugh, to what? Gonad?

[scoffs]

No, Grumio and the Gonads.

No way, I'm not standing for that.

I think it's genius.

No, we're not your gonads.

Well, if you don't likeit, he can always go solo.

Well, just jiggling your beans and bumping about.

Good luck with that.

I guess that's your answer.

Come on then, Pris.

You and me are going to conquer the world.

[music playing]

Well, I'm going tostop facing the wall now.

[music playing]

What's wrong?

Sorry, I'm just a bit tense.

So relax then, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm, just a little bit worried that

my performance here might make its way

into your performance later.

[laughter]

Oh, Marcus, don't be paranoid.

[groans] I mean, it'snot that paranoid, is it?

There is a precedent.

Oh, shush.

[snickers]

[moans]

Hmm, maybe let's get some lunch.

I really fancy some lunch.

[music playing]

[sighs]

You're not nauseating, you know.

Thanks, man.

And you're not a vain sleaze.

She was a meanie, wasn't she?

[clattering]

A massive meanie.

Hey, you know what would teach her a lesson?

If we reformed the band asa mega successful folk duo.

Yeah, that's learn her.

The lute and the flute in perfect harmony.

Yes, we can't be called Cerberus though.

There's only two of us now.

OK, so how about Gemini, the twins?

Love it, nonidentical, obvs.

Yeah, yeah, and this time, neither of us

will be the frontman.

Or we can both be the frontman.

Well, how will we divide the groupies?

Well, I don't know.

Just let them decide.

Oh, yeah, very modern.

Oh, this is epic.

We're getting on such a journey together.

Here, ugh!

Oh! Whoa!

Whoa! What is that?

What the fuck are you doing?

We're broing down.

Now, you do the same.

And we mix it together.

No, that's insane.

Why didn't you run it by me first.

I don't know. I got carried away.

[groans] Oh, shit, that stings.

[groans] I think I got some lime in it.

[grunts] - What happened to him?

Ah, don't worry about him.

He's just a tortured artist.

How did it go with Minerva?

Not brilliant.

She accused me of hating women.

And then I couldn't get an erection.

Because you hate women?

No, because I hate beingthe object of satire.

Oh, yeah, but we're stilldoing the cabaret night,

though, yeah?

Uh, yes, obviously.

In a fight between money and self-respect,

it appears that money always wins.

But depending how it goes down, I might need

a little favor from Cerberus.

Yeah, sure, whatever you need, brother.

We're actually called Gemini now.

[grunts]

[SINGING] Shake it.

[rattling]

Shake it up now.

And the shaky, shaky manwith my shaky, shaky can.

I'm going to shake it real good.

Huge news, Grumio.

I've got you your first solo gig.

Magic, what, at the Arena?

Uh, not quite, no.

So it's actually a birthdayparty, my dad's 50th.

Oh, right, sweet.

I know it sounds a bit lamo.

But some of his pals arelike super well-connected.

So this could be your big break.

Oh, let me know if there's anything

you need, like food, drinks,costumes, props, anything.

Well, I suppose I could do with some drumsticks.

OK, yeah.

So wood or metal?

Chicken ones and turkey ones.

And apples, red not green.

And grapes, green not red.

And actually, you should jot this down.

Yeah, right.

[music playing]

[chatter]

[music playing]

Yeah, and what? [music playing]

[screams]

[music playing]

What was that about?

I'm trying to get a rise out this lot.

I'm not paying you to get a rise out of them.

You're supposed to be security.

You need more security in a graveyard, mate.

I might as well be at thebar getting shitfaced.

Be my guest.

But in that case, I'm not paying you at all.

Security is canceled, OK?

[groans]

Oh, my-- sorry.

Hey, hey, hey, you look gorgeous.

Oh, stop it, go on.

[snickers] Yeah, I got some new sandals.

Why can't Romans makes shoesthat cover the whole foot?

It's like they've run out of material

for the bits in between.

[laughs] That is--

well, you certainly haven'trun out of material.

[laughter]

You should put that in your set.

I don't really have room.

So make room.

In fact, you could do awhole routine about sandals

or tunics and belts.

What about them?

Well, you know, just taking them down,

finally, bloody belts.

Oh, yeah, I mean, I could dosomething about like how if you

tie your belt in a bow, thenit looks like you've been

gift-wrapped, does it?

Yes, ha!

That is-- it's a bit surreal but hilarious.

OK, well, the preview went well.

So maybe I can build on it.

Thanks, bae.

You're so cute.

[music playing]

[laughs] Knock them dead.

[music playing]

[chatter]

- Hello. - And--

- --welcome-- - --to--

- --cabaret-- - --night.

- We-- - --are--

- --your-- - --house--

--band--

BOTH: Gemini!

[chatter]

[strumming lute]

[chatter]

[blowing flute]

[flute and lute playing]

What are you doing?

Jason!

[flute and lute playing]

Hi, Marcus.

Oh, hi, you're back again?

[scoffs] Of course, where else can I get

top-notch satire and gossip about

my neighbors at the same time.

Ooh, oh, no, that wasn't about me.

Oh, so are you not dating Minerva then.

No, I am.

Uh, that bit was true.

But, yeah, the other stuff was just jokes.

It's all invented.

She's so inventive.

Right, yeah, well, I look forward to seeing

what she invents tonight then.

Well, me too.

[laughter]

[FLUTE AND LUTE CONTINUES PLAYING]

[groans] You're not the frontman.

[flute and lute playing]

Thank you, my name is Jason.

And I am Gemini.

And now, get ready to whoop itup for the marvelous Minerva!

[crowd cheering]

That was not the deal, bud, at all.

[crowd cheering]

Hello, the Crown and Toga.

Great to be back, yes.

[crowd cheering]

Wow, so you seem like a good crowd, perky,

upfront, ready for action.

Pretty much the opposite of my boyfriend's penis.

[laughter]

I get it, sometimes a penis just won't behave.

But what I don't get is why thatmeans everything has to grind

to a halt for both of us.

[laughter]

Yeah, I know, it's-- it's likewhen a child gets knocked out

of a game, and it takes upthe ball goes, well, if I'm no

play playing, then nobody is.

[flute and lute playing]

[laughter]

Sorry, what's happening?

[flute and lute playing]

Wait, am I being censoredhere? is that what's happening?

Oh, OK, so this is fun.

[flute and lute playing]

Over there, ladies and gentlemen,

that's Mr. Droopy Dick.

[laughter]

And he wanted me to come on stage

and talk about fucking sandals.

[flute and lute playing]

This is the patriarchy trying to shut me up.

No, no, no, this is not the patriarchy, OK?

It's just a guy who'd preferhis privates were kept private.

Oh, it's satire, Marcus, deal with that.

Oh, it is satire, is it?

OK, well, let's see if youcan deal with some satire

of your own, shall we? - Oh, yeah, well--

[laughter] --give it a go.

Have you ever noticed, whenyou're going out with a girl,

and she's got one or two wonky teeth--

[crowd groaning]

--and a-- a big weird mole on her back.

It's a bit niche, Marcus.

OK, uh, what about when yourgirlfriend's got a big bush?

I mean, anything would seem big in comparison

to the size of your penis.

[laughter]

Thank you, I've been Minerva.

But please, give it up for Marcus.

[crowd booing and applauding]

CROWD: Chauvinist pig!

CROWD: Topple the patriarchy.

Come on, she started it.CROWD: Get off!

Get off! - Oh!

[grunts]

Security, Davus, do something.

Well, I'm security?

You're fired me. [crowd booing]

Well, can I rehire you? [crowd shouting]

Immediately!

Oh, it will cost you double.

Yes, fine. [crowd shouting]

[glass shatters]

All right, you can be the frontman.

[screaming]

[crowd shouting]

[SINGING] Shaky, I'm a shaky man.

I shake it at your brother.

And I shake it at your gran.

I shake it over here.

And I shake it over there.

And if you're not careful,I'll shake it in your head.

I'm a shaky man. [rattling]

Yes!

[rattling]

[music playing]

Right, who wants to see me turn

my knob into a beef burger?

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN, "I CAME, I SAW"]

Do, uh!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Give me today.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Give me a pardon.

Ah, ah, I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

I got to believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Oh, yeah.

Can I conquer you?