Original subtitles

AURELIUS: So you know howI'm running the marathon?

JASON: Yeah.

Cause you've not shut up about it for weeks.

Because you still haven't sponsored me.

I can't get my head around it.

Why would anyone run ifthey weren't being chased?

No.

It's for charity.

I'm running for Save the Lepers.

And are they actual lepers or just

social lepers like yourself?- Oh yeah.

Ha ha ha.

Some of them are very seriously disfigured.

Actually, the money I raise willpay for them to be quarantined.

Well, that's not saving them.

That's saving you from having to look at them.

It's saving everyone.

Why have you put youroccupation as head barman?

That's not important.

It's important to the head barman.

I'm crossing it out. - No.

Don't tamper with my form.

Whoa.

Your parents are giving 10 denari per mile?

What? That is shitloads.

No.

That's pretty standard.

Hang on.

"Per mile" is written in a different ink.

No. I don't think so.

You've tampered with the form.

They were being stingy.

- You sly bastard. - Look.

Are you going to putanything on my form or not?

Obviously not.

I've already said no.

I've drawn a cock and balls.

A severed cock and balls.

That looks like a hate crime against lepers.

Thank you very much.

[THEME - OLI JULIAN FEAT.

MICHAEL PROPHET, "WHEN IN ROME"]

THEME SONG: When in Rome,do as the Romans do.

Far from home all I got is you.

Grumio, the people on table three

are still waiting for their apple pie.

Oh yeah.

They might have been waiting a while.

Here. Check this out.

Some twat in a pram dropped it outside.

Check out what?

An oaf covered in crumbs blowing a paper toy?

Yeah.

But look how fast I can make it go.

I'm probably setting some kind of a record.

For what?

Being the world's shittest slave?

Probably, yeah.

For the price of just one glass of wine

we could clothe a whole family of lepers.

Whoa. Hey, sorry.

You can't do that in here.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Oh, but I'm fundraising for the Make

Lepers Smile Foundation.

Mm.

Um, good for you, but you're asking

my customers to spend their money

on lepers rather than wine.

Wow.

OK.

That's rather uncharitable of you.

Many of these lepers havenothing, you realize?

Mhm.

And I've got debts.

I've got less than nothing, and I

do enough charity work asit is looking after that one

there, so.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I-- I didn't realize.

Oh, he's adorable.

What's his name?

His name is Grumio.

He's basically a human barnacle.

Hey, Grumio.

Hey, darling.

Oh, bless.

Oh, I bet he's a real handful.

You have no idea.

Well, I hope you get financialsupport for all you do.

[chuckles] No, but I really should.

Oh, you certainly should.

Yes, being sole carer for someone

with such obvious disabilitiescan be so draining.

[chuckles] You're not joking?

Why would I joke about peopleless fortunate than ourselves.

Well, quite.

It's no laughing matter.

So sorry, this financial support thingy.

Do you happen to know how I might get that?

Well, you have to have a very high tolerance

for filling in boring forms.

Ah.

I actually used to workfor a major donkey charity,

so I could guide you through it if you like.

That would be great.

On second thoughts, you'remore than welcome to stay.

I guess I'd pleased withanything under four hours.

[scoffs] Four hours?

Are you going to be doingit on your hands and knees?

That's a pretty solid marathon time.

Mate, I've had relationshipsshorter than that.

Well, then clearly you know nothing

about running or relationships.

Oh yeah.

So how come I won medals then,in running, not relationships?

When was this? Under sevens?

Under eights?

- Under 11s actually. - Ha!

So what?

They used to call me Jase the Pace.

So? You were a child.

It doesn't count.

Well, of course, it counts.

God-given talent like mine never goes away.

Well, enter the marathon then.

I would love to see Jase the Pace in action.

Well, you'll have to make do with seeing

him as a speck in the distance.

Oh, big chat.

How about whoever comesfirst gets to be head barman?

I'm already head barman.

And wear a massive crown.

OK, bring it.

Oh, I've brought it.

Consider it brought.

So as soon as we've got that all-important

certificate from the marathon board,

you can start fundraising.

I really do appreciate this, Diana,

as does Grumio in his own way.

Oh, stop it.

As soon as I stared intohis vacant yet wise eyes,

I knew I had to help.

[laughs]

Now, name of charity, I've gone

with the Grumio Foundation.

Oh, nice.

Catchy.

Purpose of charity.

Caring for those sufferingfrom the affliction

known as Grumio Syndrome.

Right.

That is just Grumio though, isn't it?

Currently, yes.

Now what would you say were thesymptoms of Grumio Syndrome?

Um.

OK.

He gets very hungry.

Oh, bless.

So acute hunger.

And he's always tired.

Chronic fatigue.

I'd also add grumpiness.

Hm.

And is ingratitude a symptom?

I don't think so, no.

But we've got plenty to go on.

And of course, the panel willget a much better picture

once they meet him in person.

Ew.

So they actually have to meet him, do they?

Oh, yes of course.

They can hardly endorse the Grumio Foundation

without meeting Grumio.

[scoffs] Yeah.

It's just I should have said,another symptom of his syndrome

is shyness.

Oh.

Both acute and chronic, sopanels are a bit of a no-no.

Oh, well, we'll just haveto make them a yes-yes.

[giggles] I find, if it helps, the best way

to win over the mentally afflicted

is to turn everything into a game.

[upbeat music]

[puffing]

Wow.

Grumio, you've got that thing really spinning.

Tell me about it.

I've been doing some training on my own.

I can see.

In fact, there was a girl in the bar

last night, Diana, who saw you in action

and was just blown away.

And she'd love to introduceyou to some people.

People?

What people?

They're like a panel of judges,

who will see if you can break arecord for blowing a windmill.

You mean they're a windmill-blowing

record-judging panel?

Exactly.

And if you won, you'd get a certificate.

Obviously, I told her youwouldn't be interested.

You don't really do it forthe awards or anything.

I do it for the love.

Well, this is what I thought.

But that being said, when you achieve

something extraordinary, it'snice to have it recognized.

So shall I tell her we're on then?

Fine.

Now, give me some space.

I need to get back to my training.

[puffing faster]

[upbeat music]

Hey, hey, stop that.What are you trying to do?

Push the place over or something?

Huh? No, no, no.

Stretching the old calves out.

Starting my training regime, innit?

Oh, regime.

Regime.

Very posh.

So what we talking then?

Well, I was thinking,run to the sandwich shop.

Get a bacon roll.

Then, run back.

Oh, see, now, I wouldn't runjust after eating, you lunatic.

You'll give yourself a stitch.- Hm.

Yeah. Good point.

What about run there, eat mylunch, and then just walk back?

See.

I wouldn't run on an empty stomach either.

Yes.

Well, maybe I'll just walk there as well.

- Hm. - Yeah.

Cheers, Landlord.That's a much better regime.

Any time.

Any time.

Consider me your personal trainer.

Cheers, boy.

[jazzy music]

Step it up, mate. You're losing.

I'm not losing.

This isn't the race.

- You're at the back though.- We're just training.

It's non-competitive.

Maybe I'll go get my crown fitted now.

Right. Excuse me.

Coming though. Sorry, fellas.

Excuse me.

Thank you. Sorry.

Sorry there.

Everyone, this is Marcus.

And of course, Grumio himself.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Grumio.

How are you feeling today?

Nervous, but also pretty psyched.

Ha.

Good for you.

We're all pretty psyched too.

Maybe you'd like to start by telling

us a bit about yourself.

OK. Um--

Grumio actually prefers to express himself

with actions rather than words.

He's brought somethingin he'd like to show you.

Oh.

Now, that is splendid.

Look at those colors.

Colors don't matter.

They're just decoration. - Oh.

Right you are, champ.

Silly me.

MARCUS: Why don't you go for it, Grumio,

so the panel can check you out?

OK.

Here we go.

Can I get a countdown please?

Of course.

3, 2, 1.

Go.

[rapid puffing]

And stop.

[gasps]

Oh.

Did I win?

Have I done it?

[chuckles] Where are the sleeves?

It's not supposed to have sleeves, you fool.

It's a state of the art sports tunic.

I also bought these cushionedsoled running sandals.

Uh-oh.

You can't intimidate me, boy.

You might have all thekit, but I've got the fit--

ness.

You don't have any of the fit-- ness.

Your regime seems to consistof eating bacon rolls.

Bacon and lettuce actuallysometimes with a slice

of tomato.

The only thing that's fast about you

is your mouth, which come raceday will be eating my dust.

If I was beaten by you,Aurelius, I'd eat my own shit.

OK, fine. You're on.

Fine. What?

On for what?

Whoever wins gets to be head barman.

Whoever loses eats their own shit.

Well, I wasn'tactually suggesting that.

Oh, well, then don't casuallyuse expressions like "I'd eat

my own shit," Jase the Pace.

We on or not?

Oh, we're on.

We're on for the crap-a-thon.

The crap-a-thon [inaudible]

Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy.

You're eating from your bummy.

Excuse me. Is anyone serving?

Yes, sorry. What can I get you?

CUSTOMER: Can I have a glass of wine please?

Uh, excuse me.

You haven't paid.

Hey, no, where you going?

[laughter]

Oi!

Come back!

Hey!

Get back here.

I could have done better.

The air in that room were too stodgy.

It slowed my blades right down.

Let's just wait and see, shall we?

Look.

Here comes Diana now.

Oh, blimey.

She's holding something.

Do you think it's--

oh!

I did it!

I won the certificate. - You did.

You little legend.

You were magnificent in there, Grumio.

You showed such character.

- Well, I had to dig deep.- Here.

I'll take that.

What's it say then?

Oh, it just confirms your achievement.

I should probably take him home.

He's had a tiring day.

Thank you so much for all your help, Diana.

Well, I mean we've only just begun.

Now we have to spread the word and convince

people to run for Grumio.- Run?

You what? - OK, great.

We'll see you around.

OK.

What were all that about, running for me?

Oh, I don't know. She can be a bit weird.

Grumio.

Oh, hello again.

We're just heading home.

Of course, I just wanted to thank

you for showing such courage.

No probs.

We really do have to go.

In the face of yourprofound disability, and we

all hope that with this certificate

your devoted carer can raiselots of sponsorship money

to better tend to your very special needs.

Best of luck, champ.

You dirty, dirty bastard.

[upbeat music]

"The Rome Marathon Committee hereby

certify that the [CHUCKLING]Grumio Foundation

is an officially recognized charity."

[laughs] I'm going to get this framed.

He's made me look a right numpty.

To be fair, you did mostof the hard yard yourself.

Hang on.

Does this mean I'm not thewindmill-blowing champ?

Of course, you're not.

Well, who is then?

Nobody.

Because it's not a real sport.

Oh, my Jove, you're killing me here.

Look, Grumio.

I am sorry I lied to you.

But please, all I'm asking isyou go along with it, so we

can do a bit of fundraising.

I'm impressed.

That is dark, even for you.

Scamming nice people out their cash.

They're not nice people.

They're bleeding heart, woolly headed

snowflakes who get a smug boner from giving

their small change to charity.

They don't care whether that's the lepers or us.

The lepers or you, you mean.

What's in it for me?

Well, here at the Grumio Foundation

we'll give you a life as richand rewarding as any other boy

or girl.

[chuckles]

Maybe a pony ride.

JASON: [laughs]

Come on, Grumio.

It's not long till the marathon.

All you got to do is sitback, let me take care of you

until then.

I'm sure you can handle that.

Fine.

I can if you can.

Thanks, champ.

[chuckles] Oi, Jase, how do you fancy running

for the Grumio Foundation?

I'm not sure I can run atall to be honest, let alone

beat that bearded bastard.

Oh, come on.

Are you Jase the Pace or not?

All you got to do is knuckle down

and do some actual training.

I need to nobble another runner.

Oh, the bacon rollregime not cutting it then?

No. Not so much.

Can you help me out?

Well, I might know someone with a stash

of super strength laxativesmade from the Egyptian colocynth

plant. Put it that way.

What?

Like a drug dealer.

- No, my mother. - Oh.

Yeah.

She was horribly bunged up last month.

Then she took that stuff.

And then she wasn't.

Oh, cool.

All right.

As long as it means Aurelius can't run.

Well, it will certainly give him the runs.

- [laughs]- Slip that in his drink.

Wait 24 hours, and he'll paint the town brown.

Amazing.

Thank you.

And any other ideas arewelcome no matter how drastic.

Well, you could creep up on him

and slice open his hamstrings.

Uh, nah.

That's a bit too drastic.

OK.

Give for Grumio.

Give for Grumio.

Give for me.

Grumio's plight seems to have really

caught the popular imagination.

I've already persuaded 22 runners to switch

from the lepers to us.

Oh, that's incredible.

I mean, will the lepers not mind?

Oh, no.

The lepers have got plenty of funding,

so it's no skin off their nose.

Oh, poor choice of phrase.

I'm hungry.

I want a snacky.

OK.

We can get you a snack when we get home.

Get me a snacky now, carer.

Well, uh--

Diana, you don't have a snacky on you, do you?

Sadly not.

No snackies here.

Come on, champ.

Not far to go.

I'm too tired to walkon account of my syndrome.

Oh, that'll be the chronic fatigue.

Of course, it is.

You'll have to carry me, won't you?

Like what you normally do.

Oh.

Right.

Yeah.

On you get then.

Oh.

Looks like you've been eating afew too many snackies, Grumio.

[laughs]

Hang on.

I've changed my mind.

I want you to push me aroundon one of them wheelie things.

Just one sec, Diana.

- Ah. - What are you doing?

You said you wanted to care for me.

I thought you could handle it.

I didn't expect you to pull a stunt like this.

Just stop over-egging the pudding.

Oh, the pudding can get alot eggier than this, mate.

Don't tempt me. - What does that mean?

Carer, I need toilet.

- Really? - Aw.

Right now?

I'm going to wet my knick-knocks.

OK.

I'll get you the wheelie thing.

Thanks, Marcus.

Love you.

Hi.

He really does care, doesn't he?

Oh, he's the caring-estcarer in the whole world.

I'm ever so lucky.

Good run.

Woo.

JASON: Hey, Marathon Man, how was training?

Great.

You should try it sometime.

I'm hitting peak formjust in time for tomorrow.

Shame you hit yours when you were 10.

[laughs] I'm just tryingto conserve my energy, buddy.

Oh, sure.

Well, you'll need it when you'rechowing down on your own chod.

Hey, no condiments by the way.

I don't want you masking the taste.

Fine.

No condiments, I promise.

Runner's honor.

Here.

Have some water.

Must be parched after your run.

I am. Yes.

Thank you.

Another pie?

Are you serious?

Well, I'm going to need all the energy

I can get when I'm runningthis marathon, aren't I?

Oh, sweetheart.

But you know that you can'trun the marathon yourself.

I can actually.

Me and Marcus have figuredout a way of doing it.

Um. Have we?

I don't remember us discussing it.

Everybody, my name's Grumiooff of the Grumio Foundation.

[applause]

Ta for all your support so far.

So I had wanted to run this marathon,

but what with the old syndrome that

sadly will not be possible.

So instead, I'm going to get pushed

around the course in my wheelie thing

by my lovely carer Marcus.

[applause]

Wow.

Marcus.

You're a piece of shit, Grumio.

Who will also be wearinga flower pot on his head.

So let's have a toast to my hero, Marcus.

To Marcus.

CROWD: To Marcus.

[applause]

Bottoms up.

Oh yeah.

[cheering]

DIANA: I just adore the flower pot.

Yeah.

I might actually take it off once we get going.

It is quite awkward.

No, you won't.

You'll leave it on till the end.

I wish I could just take off mysyndrome, but alas, I cannot.

It is for life.

You are just bloody heroes, both of you.

Ha.

Thank you.

ANNOUNCER: Runners, standby please for the race

to commence.

It's probably just nerves, mate.

I remember the under 11s cross country final.

I was all over the place.

I've got nothing to be nervous about.

I'm a finely tuned machine.

You'll be fine.

Good luck, pal.

May the best man win. [aurelius farts]

Oh.

Ah. OK.

That didn't feel amazing.

ANNOUNCER: Will the runnerstake their positions please?

MAN: Go on, Grumio.

WOMAN: You can do it, Grumio.

Nice and smoothly now, Carer.

We can't have me jigglingabout in my condition.

Mhm.

As soon as I get that charity money,

your condition's finding a miracle cure.

ANNOUNCER: 3, 2, 1.

[horn blowing]

[upbeat music]

[cheering]

Thank you.

Yeah.

MAN: Go on, Grumio.

You're kidding me.

[grumbling]

[squirting noises]

Oh, look.

They're doing fruit up there.

Grumio, I can't take any more weight.

Don't be a baby.

It's only fruit.

Yes, please.

Ah.

Anyone need a lift?

[vomiting]

ANNOUNCER: Congratulations.

Keep going.

Nearly there.

[panting]

- Jase the Pace. - Yeah.

What?

Were you the one who unpicked my cushioned

soled running sandals? - Yes.

- And fed me laxatives? - Yeah.

And I put honey in your hair.

I didn't even know about that one.

I wanted the bees to eat you.

Bees don't eat honey.

They make it. Bees eat pollen.

Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now, does it?

I'm broken.

It's all over.

Come on.

What are you doing?

You've come too far.

[cheering]

I won't leave a man behind.

Runner's honor.

Yay!

Thanks, Aurelius.

We can both be heard barman.

[cheering]

[crowd groans]

Yes!

[booing]

I beat you.

Eat shit.

Head barman, baby.

Woo!

WOMAN: Grumio!

MAN: Well done, Grumio.

Cheers.

MAN: You did it, Grumio.

Easy peasy.

[coughs]

MARCUS: So how did we do?

You tell him.

We raised a total of--

you won't believe it--

36,435 denari and 82 sesterces.

Oh my Jove.

That Is incredible.

Which puts you in sixth placebetween Lepers International

and Action for Lonely Lepers.

We're in a leper sandwich.

Not a sandwich I'd care to eat, but well done.

I guess I'm going to need a bigger bag then.

Oh no.

You won't be taking that home with you.

Uh. Sorry.

Why's that?

Well, the charity's madeso much that the earnings

have to be officially administered

by a full-time chief executive.

Right.

Which is me presumably.

Uh, no.

You're a carer with noexperience in the sector.

Luckily for you, Diana has plenty, so I've

sanctioned her appointment.

Oh.

Phew.

I thought I was gettingcut out for a second there.

Well, the thing is, Marcus,as the CEO of a growing charity

I'd be a fool not to pumpmoney into marketing and PR.

And once you've takeninto account office rental

and, of course, my salary, there's very little

left for frontline services.

OK.

How little exactly?

Yeah.

No, nothing.

What?

I'm getting no money?

What about Grumio with hisacute and chronic symptoms?

I mean will I care for him?

Well, you've managed heroically so far.

Just keep doing that.

Anyway, the foundation did invest in a brand

new windmill for him.

ANTONIUS: How's that champ?

I prefer my old one.

Oh, bless.

This is a stitch-up, isn't it?

That's why you've been so helpful, so you could

siphon off all of our money.

Excuse me.

Oh, you've known there'snothing wrong with Grumio

from the start.

Well, of course, there'snothing wrong with him.

Just because someone has Grumio Syndrome,

it doesn't mean they can'tlead a perfectly normal life.

Ugh.

Come on then, champ.

Let's go home.

You going to push me?

All right.

Get in.

Nice and smooth please.

Woohoo.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN, "I CAME I SAW"]

[SINGING] Hear me calling.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Got to believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Oh yeah.

Can I conquer--

I got to--