Original subtitles

MARCUS: Welcome to the Crown and Toga.

Thank you so much for coming in.

Please do take a seat.

PIA: Cool.

Thank you.

MARCUS: So, Pia, how did you hear

about the waitressing position?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I was sunbathing down by the river.

And he, that one, [giggling]laid down beside me and said,

I would be perfect for it.

Did he now?

And do you have any experiencein the service industry?

No. I'm a model.

Perfect.

Hmm.

What about-- how are you with taking down orders?

Yeah, I'm actually illiterate.

So, not great.

Well, she can just remember the orders.

Oh, no.

I've got a shocking memory.

But I suppose I could draw alittle pictures of them, maybe.

Perfect.

And Pia, tell me, how do youstay in such great shape?

I run a lot and swim. [giggles]

Perfect.

Utterly irrelevant.

Yeah, I've got a question.

What's your favorite bit of a chicken to eat?

Mm-hmm, I guess the meat.

Hmm.

Well, I think we've heard enough.

We'll let you know.

We'll let you know, right now.

You got the job.

Oh!

Amazing. - What?

Hang on.

Well, I think we need to discuss it, mate.

She's perfect.

Anyway, front of house is my domain.

So, well done, Pia.

You smashed it.

[laughing and jumping]

Oh.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN, "WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] Yeah.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

GRUMIO: It looks like a severed hand.

Yes.

I don't remember puttingsevered hand on the menu.

Ah, oh, this is jizz.

She needs to do better drawings, or I

won't know what I'm cooking.

All right, chill.

Why are you two bugging her out?

Because she is thick, andlazy, and under-qualified.

Yeah.

But apart that she's perfect.

Uh, excuse me.

I'm still waiting mysausage and mash, over here.

Ah!

That's what it is.

It's actually quite obvious, when you know.

Yeah, sorry.

We've got problems with the new waitress.

Oh, so have I, mate.

You should have hired me.

I'm charming, literate, andincredibly hard working.

You wouldn't be paying this guy to stand

around twiddling his hair.

Yeah.

Can you stop her doing that?

And get her to take the rubbish out.

Ugh!

[tapping on the table]

One sausage and mash, then, chef.

I'd rather cook a severed hand.

Ugh.

Please don't you start, Grumio.

How are we meant to make asplash on the Roman food scene,

if you won't let me serve my funky new menu?

Which menu is this?

Dishes only beginning with the letter Q?

No, I've gone off that one.

It's basically just quiche.

The new menu is called Stuffing Stuff in Stuff.

So it's like a mouse inside a grouse,

or a squid inside a squirrel.

Hmm.

OK.

That sounds far too funky.

We're sticking with classic pub fare.

Classic pub unfair, more like.

I'm the chef.

I should get to decide.

And I'm the one, whospent every last sesterce

he has on this toilet, Grumio.

So I get to decide.

If you want to shove a frog inside a dog,

do it on your own dime.

Yeah.

Well, I'm might, actually, because that

is one of my dishes.

PIA: I just don't like touching rubbish.

I find it gross.

Yeah, completely.

I mean, it's rubbish, innit?

[chuckling] That is like so clever.

Because it is rubbish, and it's rubbish.

I'll take this out, then.Shall I?

Yeah, cheers.

Because Mario is alwayssaying that about sweets.

It's because they're calledsweets, and they're sweets.

Yeah.

Yeah-- no, I never really thought of that.

So who's Mario?

[giggling] My fiance.

Ha ha, perfect.

[laughing] Yes.

Perfecto.

[music playing]

[tripping over]

Ah!

Oh.

Watch out for the cobble.

Yeah.

Maybe, warn people beforethey trip over it, in future.

Hmm.

Are you the new owner of the toilet, are you?

Bar.

It's a bar, now.

And we are trying to attract some customers.

So if you could not peg upyour pants, so near our door.

Oh, they're not mine, clearly.

Look at the size ofthem, you cheeky bastard.

Right.

Well, either way.

This is my launderette.

I'm Gloria.

Ah, OK.

I'm Marcus, hello.

And this is where youalways hang up your washing,

is it, Gloria?

Yeah, that's right.

In fact, I was going to ask, doyou mind if I pop around later

and take the piss?

Sorry, the--

Urine, from your loos.

I need the ammonia towash the clothes, you see?

I used to just help myself.

Yeah, I kind of do mind youtaking the piss, actually.

I mean, if-- if you really needit, I can maybe, do you a deal.

A deal for piss?

Are you serious? - Huh, yeah.

Well, I'm sorry, but business isn't

exactly booming, right now, so.

Oh, you'll be all right.

It's only one review, isn't it?

It's not going to kill you.

Sorry, how do you mean?

Well, I think you can trust people

to make up their own minds--

oh, you've not seen it, have you?

[music playing]

1.

1 fork.

1 fucking fork.

But what's it out of?

Oh, 5, clearly.

Oh, fine.

I thought it was out of 10.

So who's this Athena, anyway?

Who is Athena?

That's Athena Balvantius,mate, only the biggest

food critic in Rome.

And she came to our bar?

That's pretty cool.

It is in no way cool.

It is a total bloody disaster.

Yeah, which is all yourfault, for not letting me stuff,

stuff, and stuff.

No.

It is your fault for failingto nail the pub classics,

like I said.

And poor service willdefinitely have been a factor.

So will atmosphere, mate, which

is totally spaz, thanks toyou weirding the place out

with your little beard.

Oh, you're blaming the customers beards, now.

Classy.

[LOUDLY]: Gah!

Why did she do this to us?

We weren't ready to be criticized.

Sod her.

I'll just paint over it.

She can go and fuck herself.

Oh, no.

I wouldn't do that.

She'd kick up a stink.

Only Athena can take it down.

Well, let's just find her and charm, slash,

bully her into doing that.

Find her?

Find her, how?

I bet she's some reclusivelittle hermit weirdo.

Far from it, actually.

She's quite the woman about town.

I know for a fact that shetakes afternoon tea, every day,

in the Forum.

How do you know all this shit?

I'm a huge gourmand.

Yet another reason whyyou should have hired me.

OK.

Come on.

Let's get her, then.

Yeah.

Jason, you hold the fort.

Maybe, teach Pia to read.

Nah.

I think you were right about her.

Yeah, I should have hired someone else.

- Finally he admits it? - OK.

Well, you deal with that,seeing as front of house

is your domain.

OK.

What do I do if we get busy?

Somehow, I don't thinkit's going to be a problem.

[music playing]

How would we know which one's her?

We'll take a punt, I reckon.

Hi, there. Hello.

Athena, is it?

No.

I shan't review yourlittle popup waffle shack.

Now, run along and leave me to my cake.

No, it's not that.

We're from the Crown and Toga.

You actually reviewed us, already.

And gave us 1 fork, you spiteful shit.

Oh, no, no. Grumio.

Sorry about him.

He's upset.

You know how chefs get.

But we were wondering ifyou could maybe remove it.

We've only just opened,you see, and weren't quite

ready to be forked, like that.

1 fork.

1 fork.

Let me see.

[giggles] Deathly quietpub cafe, sluggish service,

stench of feces.

Is that you? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's us.

The place used to be a bog.

Well, that explains whythe food was so bog-standard.

Sausage and mash, pie and peas,beans on whatever next, toast.

No. I'm sorry.

It's a critics job--

nay, duty to protect thepublic from such insipid dreck.

That's his dreck, not mine.

I don't want to be cooking thatcack, but he's been forcing me.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I've got big ideas--

absolute whoppers, but this stingy sod's

all about playing it safe.

Constraint of creativityby penny-pinching

Philistines is the worst crime in all humanity.

Completely.

You're bang on, love.

Listen, give us another go.

I know tasty.

OK?

I live and breathe food and eat it, obviously.

Hmm.

I'll blow your bugs to bits, I promise.

Well, as it happens, I havehad a cancellation for tonight.

Tonight, that's--

You're on.

Expect me at 7:00.

This time, be ready.

[music playing]

So Daphne, first things first, are you single?

Yes, I single.

Perfect.

Is that seriously, your first question?

Actually, it's my only question.

Well, I'm also single.

And I've got supremely steady hands, owing

to years of experience dispensing water

for a major grain company.

I don't care, because I want to hire Daphne.

- Yes, please. - Yeah.

At least, give me an interview.

I'm clearly the best man for the job.

But I don't want a man for the job.

Aha!

Well, that's discrimination,then, because of my gender.

No, and your personality.

I'm going to consult the statutes,

maybe, talk to a tribune.

Ho ho ho.

You're in big trouble, now, new guy.

Uh, big trouble.

[music playing]

GRUMIO: What other animals fit in animals?

Uh.

Is this definitely, how weshould be planning our menu?

No.

I want it to sound right and all,

like a herring inside of the heron.

Pfft. OK.

Because that sounds really wrong.

You don't get creativity, mate.

It's like Athena said, you'rea pen-pushing pedophile.

A penny-pinching Philistine?

And I'm not, actually.

I just really don't want us to bugger this up.

If I've already buggeredit up, thanks to you.

Tonight, it's my turn.

It can't hardly get any worse, can it?

Ugh, fine.

How about a sausage in a partridge?

In an ostrich?

A triple stuffer.

[chuckling] Now we're cooking.

[music playing]

MARCUS: And who's that, please?

Yeah, that's Greta.

I hired her, a couple of hours ago.

And that's Daphne, over by the door.

And Pia, of course, you already know.

So we've now got three waitresses.

Yeah.

Well, Pia has got a boyfriend,so I had to hire Daphne.

We don't really click, do you know what I mean?

So I got Greta, who is cold,but I think she's a lesbian.

So I'll just get another one tomorrow.

What?

No, you won't.

I mean, you could hire someoneinstead of, not as well as her.

I mean, you can't keep hiringmore and more waitresses,

until you find one who'll sleep with you.

Oh, right.

No, I genuinely didn't realize that.

- You have to get rid of them.- What?

No.

That's well awks.

The firing is not really my thing.

Well, so I see.

But our staff-to-customerratio hardly screams success,

does it?

Table for one, please.

I do hope you can squeeze me in.

Fire them all, now.

Athena, such an honor to have you back with us.

Stuffing stuff in stuff.

It's a meditation onnature and the brutal logic

of the food chain.

And seeing what things Ican fit inside other things.

And specifically that, yes.

It's 12 courses.

A 12 course tasting menu, got it.

Well, no.

The full plate.

It's more of a 12-course eating menu.

Starting with our firstcourse, a squid in a squirrel.

Goodness me, I didn't expect that.

Neither did the squirrel.

[chuckling]

Enjoy.

[music playing]

Sir, how's it going now?

Well, she has cleared her plate.

Look, you struggle to get anymore of that wren or the hen.

Wow.

You know, I thought this menu was the stuff

of the lunatics nightmare.

But it turns out you mightbe an OK chef, after all.

Let's just hope she's left room for afters.

Your final course--

a plum in a peach, in a pie, in a pud.

Athena?

Well, that's one way of eating it.

[music playing]

You total twat, Grumio.

This is what happens, whenyou insist on stuffing

everything in everything.

Steady on.

You said I was an OK chef a minute ago.

Well, a fair bit has changed, since then.

A critic has died, which in a way

is the worst review shecould have possibly given.

Oh, it's not just his food, though, is it?

Look at her.

She's an heart attack waiting to happen.

Well, this was certainlythe 12 course eating menu

that broke the camel's back.

So should we go and tell a grown up?

Yeah, I'll get a centurion.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

Why would you call the fuzz?

Why wouldn't we call the fuzz?

Brother, if word gets out thatwe're stuffing people to death,

then our business is deader than she is.

Now, do you want this bar to work or not?

Ugh!

What have you got in mind?

[music playing]

Ooh.

Whoa, that's good.

I know.

And she never got to try it.

That's the real tragedy, here.

God, holy crap, she's heavy.

Oh, I can't do this.

I'm knackered from stuffing stuff in stuff.

No.

No, you do not, Grumio.

We need all hands on deck, here.

AURELIUS: Right.

I've checked the sex and discrimination statutes,

and apparently, I don't have a case.

What's going on?

Yeah.

How much you want that job?

Oh, Joe. What am I doing?

Ssh.

Keep it down, Aurelius.

Two things I promised my father--

never buy anything on credit, and never

get mixed up in a murder.

Stop saying murder.

It was an accident.

Exactly.

It's all above board.

So why are we dumping herbody in the woods, then?

Holy Jove, I'm going to Hades for this.

Hmm.

I suspect you're going there, anyway.

And she's a critic.

It's not like anyone's going to miss her.

Yeah.

Good riddance, I say If you're going

to give my grub a one-fork review,

then this is what you get.

Ooh, that's a point.

You can paint over it, now.

And nobody will know how badour bar is, until they're

actually inside it.

See, it's all coming together.

Yeah, this will do.

1, 2, 3, and ditch the witch.

[throwing off the body]

And cover her with leaves?

[throwing few leaves]

[music playing]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, just play it cool.

[cleaning cutlery nervously]

[dropping cutlery] - Uh!

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, god.

I just-- I'm stillthinking about it, you know.

I close my eyes and all I can see is her face--

her big dead face.

So don't close your eyes, then.

GLORIA: Hey, you're open?

Gloria, hey.

Hello, yeah.

What can we get for you?

Yeah.

Look, I know what you boys are up to?

What?

What do you mean?

I saw what you did--

Please, it was nothing to do with me.

I can give money.

--outside, fixing that review.

Oh, thank god.

[chuckling].

Oh, yes.

Apparently, the 1 fork thingwas actually, a mistake.

So they decided to take it down.

No.

But they didn't, did they?

They upgraded it from 1 fork to 6.

6?

Wow.

That is-- is that how many they've given us?

That's tremendous.

Well, maybe that's just what we deserve.

Yeah, be careful, I would.

The other bars around here, wouldn't

be too happy to know you've beenfaking your reviews, if someone

were to tell them, of course.

You can have the piss forfree, from now on, if you like.

We don't have much stock at the moment.

But we can have a sort ofwhip round, if that will--

you know. - What?

Shut me up?

You're all right, then.

Bring it around, later, is it love?

[music playing]

MARCUS: Because it's out of five.

So?

So 6 forks isn't possible, is it?

I think it is, mate. You're looking at it.

No.

But I mean, 5 is perfect.

So how can you have 6?

Because this is likeperfect, but then, one better.

Yeah, like seven wouldbe perfect, but two better.

Shall I change it to seven?

Yeah, maybe.

No, stop adding forks.

Just paint over the last couple with anything.

Go with four.

A nice solid, unsuspicious four.

CUSTOMER: Look, here it is.

Oh, yeah.

I told you, it's for real.

Hello, hi. Can we help you?

Uh-huh.

We've heard that Athena'sgiven her first ever six-forker

And we want to check it out.

Yeah.

I was just saying, how unusual that is.

I know.

And in such an abandoned part of town.

It must be off the hook.

Is this the queue, darling?

You are the queue, darling.

Head on in.

Marvelous.

[music playing]

I honestly don't recognize this place

with like people in it.

I know.

Where did the bongo guy come from?

I think when bars get this popular,

bongo guys just appear.

And there have been nocomplaints about the food?

Like, not a peep.

These goons would eat a spunk sandwich,

if it was well reviewed.

Ha.

Two more snail quails I need for table six.

Ah, oh, for crying out loud,I'm run off my feet, here.

They won't stop ordering.

Yes, that is the idea.

All right, look.

I've been thinking, maybe, you are right.

6 forks is too many, isn't it?

We should probably change itto 4, or you know, 3 is fine.

Oh, don't be coy, Grumio.

You wanted to make a splash, didn't you?

Well, now you have.

So you better learn to swim.

[annoyed]

Yes, one second.

[dropping plates] Ah!

Sorry, sorry.

Stop doing that.

We're going to run out of plates.

I know, I'm sorry.

It's just people keep askingabout Athena-- where she sat,

and what she ordered?

And she's dead.

Athena's dead, Marcus, in a fucking ditch.

Aww.

Now you made me touch your monkey beard.

I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have had to do that.

What are we going to do?

We can't have these gibberingwreck around the customers.

It's too risky.

Or maybe, we could put him in the kitchen.

He can stuff stuff with Grumio.

Thank you.

Yes, I agree.

Hang on.

Who's going to cover for him on the floor?

You are, for a bit, whileI start hiring a waitress.

Ugh.

Is that a good plan?

I've got a foolproof system this time.

I'll get the perfect match.

Yes.

That wasn't my main worry.

You'll be fine.

These lot think bad serviceis part of the charm.

[music playing]

OK then, girls.

Question number three.

Are you single?

OK.

If the answer is no, take a step back.

Yeah, sorry.

I really don't thinkthis is an acceptable way

to conduct a job interview.

And you can take a step back, too.

[giggles] OK, here, we gowith question number 4.

Do you fancy men, slash, me?

If the answer is no, then back you go.

OK, part B, would you still fancy me,

if you knew I had quite large nipples for a man?

All right. No, no, no.

It's fair enough.

You would've found out eventually,

you know what I mean?

[chuckles] OK, question number five.

Now [rings bell] it's ready.

Service. - Mate--

- Yeah, just once sec. - --excuse me.

Yeah, sorry.

Jason's still not back.

Table six wants one wren inhen and one marrow in sparrow

by the way. - What?

Have they not missed last orders?

Last orders?

It's only 8 o'clock.

Ah.

Oh, for-- Where's my entree for table four?

It's coming. It's coming.

- It's coming, what? - Chef.

It's coming, chef.

What-- what are you're doing?

You're stuffing a mouse in a goose?

Is that not right, chef?

The mouse goes in the grouse.

The moose goes in the goose,you fucking numbskull.

I thought the moose and the grouse--

I'm sorry, chef.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I don't want sorry.

We can't serve sorry, can we? [LOUDLY] Can we?

I don't understand the question.

Can we serve sorry?

I think no, chef.

No, chef.

So shape up or ship out,you useless streak of shit.

Yes, chef.

All right, pass me a sparrow.

Is this the sparrow or the wren?

Are you fucking kidding me?

So, this is the place.

Wonderful.

MARCUS: Ah.

At last.

You take your time?

Sorry, I couldn't choosebetween the final two

contestants.

So it went down to a sudden death tiebreaker.

I really don't care.

Cool.

This is Sandra, the winner.

Hi.

You're up for getting started?

I'm up for anything.

[running scared]

What-- what-- what are you doing out here?

I can't take it anymore.

Grumio-- I mean, chef, he is going to kill me.

As if he is.

He's killed before.

He's going to chop me up.

He's going to chop me up and stick me in a pie.

He'd never put a man in a pie.

It doesn't rhyme.

He might put you in a flan.

Don't make me go back in there, please.

I'll tell the centurion.

I will. I'll confess everything.

Whoa!

Hey, no.

You're not squealing on us, boy, all right?

No way.

I just need this to be over.

Mate, we're in this together.OK?

Just please, get back in the kitchen.

No.

Get off me.

Excuse me, can I just--

[nervous scream] Ah!

It's her.

Oh, shit.

Can you all see that?

No, no.

Spirit begone.

I am no spirit.

I am Athena Balvantius, food critic of Rome.

[crowd gasps]

Having awarded this toiletof a restaurant 1 fork,

I graciously agreed togive them another chance.

I was, then, fed a meal so dangerously dense,

it nearly killed me.

I awoke to find my host hadleft me for dead in a ditch

and revised my review from 1 to 6

forks, which is not only disgraceful,

but mathematically absurd.

Yeah.

I did tell him that.

You good people must not eat, here.

The owners are crooks and cheats.

And the food is a rank abomination.

She's right.

This place is shit.

I, hereby, amend my review to no forks.

[crowd whispering]

Well, I'm going to stop stuffing, then.

And we no longer need Sandra.

No, come on, really?

Do it.

Ugh.

[music playing]

Question number nine.

Would you still fancy me,if I said you were fired?

Ugh!

Oh.

[dragging barrel]

Wow.

That is a lot of piss.

You lucked out.

During our period as one ofRome's hottest gastropubs,

we filled a lot of bladders.

Well, much obliged.

Shit, careful of the--

[grunts] [splash]

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN, "I CAME I SAW"]

Ugh, I swallowed some.

[SINGING] Do, ah.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Got to believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Hell, yeah.

Can I conquer?

I got to conquer, I need toconquer you, you, you, baby.