Original subtitles

CRASSUS: Ladies and gentlemen,what we are building here

will not just be another luxury apartment block.

No, no, no.

Number one, the forum will standas an iconic and urban landmark

for centuries, if not millennia, to come.

Mhm.

Clad entirely in marble,and situated in the vibrant

Aventine district, our spacioussuites let you experience life

in a multicultural, mixed-income community

within the safety of a gatedcomplex with 24 hour security.

And despite some resistancefrom small-minded neighborhood

groups, our friends in the Senate

have thankfully confirmedthat this development will

be a huge boost to the local area,

and drastically improve the quality of life

for local residents.

Whoa!

[thuds]

[gasps]

MAN: What was that?

Probably just some plebs, mucking about.

[laughs] You know what they're like.

Fuck, no.

[MUSIC - JULIAN, PROPHET, "WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] Yeah!

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

This is so brutal, isn't it?

To lose your best friend like that.

Yeah, thanks, he really is.

I actually meant me.

He was my best friend too.

At least we got each other, eh?

Yeah, at least there's that.

You want to cuddle?

No, thank you.

How you holding up, fella?

Oh, you know.

Come for eating.

Classic.

I did the same when me dog died.

Really stuffed my face.

Mostly with dog food, 'causeI had so much left over.

All right. any good?

No, it's revolting.

But it did make my pubes thick and shiny.

Oh.

I might I give it a try.

Grumio?

What the hell is all this?

You told me to sort out aspread, so you're welcome.

I said nibbles.

Not whole rotisserie chickens.

You can nibble anything, mate.

And I thought I'd give Stylax a proper sendoff.

It's what he would've wanted.

Hardly.

This is very much what you wanted.

Any overlap is pure coincidence.

Salut, boys.

Loving the venison.

The-- OK, terrific.

All right then,landlord, have to come in.

Oh, wouldn't have missed it.

Wanted to pay my respects.

Stylax is gone.

But he lives on in our hearts.

Well, thank you.

That's very kind.

And in the rental agreement.

So don't expect a discountjust because your flatmate

is, well, even flatter.

Of course not. Why would I?

So sorry for your loss.

Flavia.

Ah, thanks for coming.

Not at all.

I love funerals.

It's where I met three of my husbands.

And black is very slimming, of course.

Right.

Well, I'm glad you're coping.

I'm not.

I'm deeply moved.

I mean, poor shredder, that beautiful,

stupid, gorgeous, gormless face,crushed beyond recognition.

And how awful for you,copier, to lose your friend

and your job in one fell swoop.

My job?

What-- what?

Well, as a pair, you were tolerable.

Shredder's smooth featuressoftened your jagged edges.

Without him by your side, I'm afraid it's--

it's all too much. - No.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can't do this.

I mean, what will I do for money?

Don't ask me, copier.

Ask the vandals who dropped a 10-ton slab

on that angelic face.

Forgive me for earwigging, but you

met three husbands at funerals?

I did, yes.

Sorry, I don't believe we've met.

[upbeat music]

[SINGING] Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh.

Stylax Eurisces, terrible.

Terrible.

What a tragic accident that was.

Well, it was a mistake, rather than an accident.

And a very costly one.

So I strongly feel that I amowed some sort of compensation.

I see.

So what was yourrelationship to the deceased?

He was my best friend and flatmate.

You do realize that compensation would only

ever go to his next of kin?

And my father as well.

Father?

Yes.

That's what I said.

I'm Marcus Eurisces, Stylax's son.

Now, is-- isn't that weird, that you

didn't mention father first?

Yes, sorry.

We were such close friends that I--

I sometimes forget.

Mhm.

Well, due to the ratherdramatic manner of his death,

the coroner struggled to learn anything

from your father's body.

Well, I can tell you it.

But he does know thatStylax was between 25 and 28,

from his teeth.

He-- right, yes.

28. [laughs]

Mm.

What does that make you then?

Well, I--

14?

Mhm?

I'm 14.

I have a hormone condition.

And the grief's put years on me.

Horse shit.

You're not 14, you liar.

You look more like 40.

All right, that's a bit--

You're just some chancer,trying to cash in.

Lubo?

OK, fine.

I'm not his son, all right?

But me and Stylax had big plans, OK?

And he was always talkingabout being a millionaire, so--

I'd leave now if I were you.

My best friend, an innocent man, has died.

OK?

And someone has to pay. - Fine.

Well, I'll make sure the builder who

dropped the slab gets fired.

No, I mean, pay money to me.

Show him out, Lubo.

OK, it's OK, Lubo, I'm leaving.

[reggae music]

This is the living room.

Little balconette through there.

Oh, looks nice.

And that is the Grumio.

He's pretty much afixture there these days.

And this is the bedroom.

Which, as you know, has just become vacant.

Great.

I'll just give the mattressa quick firmness test.

Thank you so much for tidyingup for these viewings, Grumio.

I can't be doing housework, mate.

I'm knee deep in mourningfor Stylax over here.

Right.

And by mourning, you mean,generally slobbing about.

And really committing to it.

I'm officially going to seed.

[farts]

That one's for you, big man.

Some of us aren't ready to replace you just yet.

I'm not replacing him, Grumio.

I'm just replacing his rent money.

Especially not with some bearded twat

who Stylax's hated.

What?That's not true, is it, buddy?

Well, no.

That's just the grief talking.

Buddy.

Yeah.

I'm going to check out that balcony.

I know it's not ideal, OK?

But it's not like we have any choice.

[knocking]

Who?

Hi, I'm Jason.

Oh, great.

Marcus.

Do come in.

Cheers then, Aurelius.

We'll be in touch.

Any idea when that'll be?

Because my mom hasalready packed my things.

Sorry.

Marcus?

Can I offer you some water, Jason?

Oh, yeah, cheers.

Grumio, this is Jason.

He's uh, not Aurelius, crucially.

Jason, this is Grumio, my slave.

All right. Nice meat.

Thank you. It's venison.

Oh.

So shall I give you the tour then?

No, I'm all right.

What?

You don't want to see the room?

Uh, what do you mean?

The room, for rent.

Are you not here about renting the room?

No.

I'm here about my job.

Well, I don't think we canhelp you with that, mate.

No, you can, actually.

Go back to Crassus's construction

and just ask them to give my job back.

I'm sorry.

Are you the guy who dropped that slab?

Yeah, that's me.

Holy Joe.

- But it wasn't my fault.- Well, I'm taking that back.

Oh.

Look, I've done like,three shifts on the bows.

I don't give a shit.You killed our best friend.

Come on.

As a slave, you must know whatit's like to be overworked.

Yeah, not really, as it goes.

Look, it's my boss's fault, really.

[laughs]

It's Crassus who's alwayslike, oh, fuck the harnesses.

Fuck the helmets and that.

The only reason he's not been arrested

or anything is because he'sgiving bungs to senators.

It's him you want to stick it on.

Yeah, go and stick it on them.

We're not taking advice from some murdering

prat, thank you, Grumio.

Please, mate.

Look, help a brother out.

I'm stressed.

My girlfriend's gone ape shit.

I think I'm getting a cold sore.

Still better than beingsquashed by a slab of marble.

Yeah, you say that.

But that's quick, innit?

Cold sores really hang about.

Just get the hell out!

All right, no need to get aggy.

It was nice meeting you both, anyway.

[scoffs]

I liked him best of the two.

[reggae music]

MAN: Move this!

[reggae music]

Oh.

Hi.

Hey, it's Grumio, innit?

It's Jason.

Squashed your mate?

Ah, yeah.

Good to see you again.

Yeah, what're you up to?

I'm trying to go to seed.

But it's harder than you'd think.

These vinos are well pricey.- Mm.

You?

I'm going to surprise my girlfriend

with a bit of dinner, bottleof something nice, prove I'm

not a complete waster, you know?

Mm, right.

Because I were thinking, ifme and you went halfsies,

we could buy something punchyand get shitted in the park.

Yeah, all right, let's do that.

Oh.

[reggae music]

Mr. Crassus, hello, it's me again.

Oh, it's the hormonal 14-year-old.

Shouldn't you be in school?[laughs]

You're the one who needsto go to school, mate,

to learn about corporate corruption.

Step on it, chaps.

Lose the pleb.

[grunts]

CRASSUS: Uh, right!

And turn!

What are you playing at, you loony?

I know you preach healthand safety guidelines.

Get out of my sedan, boy, now.

And that you've been bunging senators.

Grow up. You don't know dick.

Oh-ho-ho!

Try me.

I got a whistleblower, buddy.

And if you don't compensateme for my friend's death,

he will blow that whistle so loud you

will shit your purple pants.

You've got a nerve boy, haven't you?

Oh!

That is rich, coming froma dirty, low-life criminal.

How would you like to work for me?

Hey-- sorry.

What?

I don't give people handouts, Marcus.

But I might give them a hand up.

If they've got balls.

And if, like you, they'restubborn little weasels

who'll sell their mother'skidneys just to get ahead.

Uh, thank you?

If you want my money, you have to earn it.

Starting salary, 500 a month.

What do you say?

A job?

Yeah.

Are you yanking my plank?

I thought you were after compensation.

And I got it.

Sort of.

You know, it just takes the form of a salary.

Ah, that is so typical of you, that is.

First flash of cash and you drop your cacks.

It's a bloody outrage, isn't it, Jas?

Yeah, be careful, I would.

That Crassus is one shady bastard.

I'm sorry, what is Jas doing here?

I ran into him down there after,

and we've been hanging out.

He's a top man.

He killed Stylax.

Oh, we still on that, are we?

It weren't him.

It were that shitbag you were working for.

Yeah, well, that shitbagis going to be paying

our rent from now on, Grumio.

Well, I think that's disgusting, actually.

I don't care what you think.

You don't contribute anything.

You are just a sponge.

Sponging up all my hard work.

In fact, you're worse.

Sponges actually do the washing up.

I've told you, I'm going to seed.

Yeah, well, not under my roof, you're not.

I see.

Jas, please may I crash at your gaff?

Well, it's my girlfriend's gaff.

But yeah, sure.

And I'm in.

Fine.

Get out then.

Go and waste someone else's space.

I will.

And I'm taking this with me.

[reggae music]

Here, let me get that for you, buddy.

Can't have you turning up latefor your first day, can we?

OK.

Well, cheers, Aurelius.

OK.

Oh, I put a packed lunch in your bag, by the way.

Sarnie salad, mini quiche.

- You didn't need to do that.- An apple.

No, I know.

It was just to say thanksfor letting me move in.

OK, well, thanks for paying half the rent.

Hey, my pleasure.

Any idea what timeyou'll be home them, bud?

- Nah, not really. - No.

Hopefully not too late.

Ha-ha.

Good luck then, buddy.

Love you.

[reggae music]

Let's get you cleaned up.

[SINGING] Ooh, ooh, ooh.

CRASSUS: So that's a list ofall my buildings in the city.

Right.

Wow.

Well done.

Your job is to go around and clear

out any rubbish you find there.

Rubbish?

What sort of rubbish?

Squatters.

Defaulters. Over-stayers.

Ah.

OK.

You mean human rubbish.

Exactly.

Sweep 'em up, tip 'em out.

Yes, I just didn't realize my job

would involve evicting people.

Rubbish people.

Pond life, mostly.

It's their fault for not having their own house

in the first place.

I mean, why can't peoplebe more like Myrtle here?

I mean, she had the good sense to be

born with a house on her back.

Yeah, not sure turtleschoose to do that, really.

CRASSUS: See, bottom line is, Marcus,

if my buildings are full ofrubbish, I can't develop them.

And if I can't developthem, we don't make money.

And that's why we're here.

[laughs]

Yeah.

You see, I've got thisnew wife who's got a thing

for having dinner parties.

Which is almost as costly asmy thing for having new wives.

Now, if you're not up tothis, I need to know now.

No. No, I am.

Definitely.

I will clear out that rubbish like a big bin.

Right.

Well, off you jolly well trot then.

And take a hanky with you, will you.

What for?

You'll see.

[reggae music]

Oh!

[reggae music]

Oy!

[laughter]

Hit him!

Bastard!

[reggae music]

Oy, you!

[screams]

Dickhead!

[reggae music]

[sniffs]

[gags]

GRUMIO: Well, look who it is.

Grumio?

Hanging around in public toilets now, are you?

Kind of.

We're living in public toilets now.

Specifically, this one.

Wow.

You really have gone to seed.

I told you I were committed.

What happened to crashingat his girlfriend's?

Yeah, it didn't work out, sadly.

Me and her split up.

So me and her I had to split up and all.

But it's better here anyway.

If I want to wee in the night, I just roll over.

Yeah, and we're going to be making

some serious coin working here.

It's perfect.

Working?

Ah, you rent boys already?

No, we're freelance toilet attendants.

I tell you what, have a little wee,

and I'll give you the full service.

I don't actually need a wee.

A little poo then?

I don't need a poo either.

What are you doing here then,if you don't need a little wee

and you don't need a little poo?

I'm actually here to evict you.

Oh?

Sorry about that.

This place is owned by Crassus, and has

strong redevelopment potential.

Wow.

This is a new low.

Says the man living in a toilet.

'Cept I'm not, am I?

'Cause you're slinging us out.

You got half an hour.

If Stylax could see you now.

Now where we going to sleep?

Not where we're going to sleep,

Grumio, But who are we going to sleep.

With.

[electronic music]

[SINGING] Yeah, yeah!

Now, me feel specialwhen I see you move, ooh.

Get all closer and your skin so smooth.

[laughter]

[SINGING] Going to speak the truth.

Come on let me see you cut loose.

Throw the hands in the air.

You got to party like we're at the fun fair.

So are you going to buy me a drink then?

Nah, this place is shit.

Why don't we go somewherewhere we can try

out my range of scented soaps?

Sounds good.

Your place or mine?

Yours.

Definitely yours.

Game on, we got one.

Boom.

Sorry, who's this now?

Oh, this is Grumio.

We kind of come as a package.

Oh no, I ain't into that.

No, no, no, not like a three way.

He'll probably just sleep.

I can sleep through anything.

He can.

Like, we've been living in this toilet.

And he stayed asleep once when a man

did diarrhea next to his head.

Yeah, that doesn't make this any better.

Oh, it'd only be like, a one-night thing.

I'll hook up with someone else tomorrow.

[indistinct chatter]

[door shuts]

Hi, Aurelius.

Good evening.

Oh.

You've made dinner.

Hours ago.

It's probably ruined by now.

Sorry.

Work went on a bit.

That's fine.

It's just that you did sayyou wouldn't be home too late.

Well, I think I said hopefully.

Well, hopefully thefood will still be edible.

So how was your day then, buddy?

You know, it was quite stressful, actually.

Sorry, is that Stylax's tunic?

Yes.

I found it under his bed.

It's a pretty good fit, actually.

Uh, I wish you'd asked me before you did that.

Well, how can I when you're home so late?

It's just a bit creepy.

Not much of it, fine.

I'll take it off then.

Tell me that is not his loincloth.

Fine, I'll take that off as well.

No, leave it on.

Leave it on, take it off.

Honestly, I can't keep up with you, Marcus.

It's just clothes.

Stylax is gone.

I'm here instead.

And I've made a salmon tray bake.

You need to get yourpriorities straight, bud.

Yeah, you're right.

Great.

I guess I'll eat it on my own then.

Huh?

All right, Davus.

What's going on, Marcus?

You don't know where Grumio is, do you?

Yeah, I do.

He's in there.

What?

He's in the kennel?

Yeah, he needed somewhere to stay

and my dead dog weren't using it.

Grumio?

What you want?

To say sorry, for being a selfish prick.

And to ask you to come home.

I thought maybe from now on,we could go to seed together.

I reckon I've gone a bittoo seedy, if anything.

I ate me dinner out of a dog bowl.

What?

Why did you do that?

Well, you know, when in Rome.

[laughs]

What about fancy pants new job then?

Yeah, it's a bit more spittyand pissy than I'd hoped.

I'm going to quit.

Just tell Crassus to forget it.

Well, forget it?

He killed Stylax.

You can't just forget it.

Yeah, I reckon we should do him over.

OK, that's--

I didn't even know you were in there.

Yeah, bang on.

We should do him over. - Right.

And what does that actually mean?

It means, like, taking back what he owes us.

Or taking a dump on his desk.

Like rough justice, basically.

You work with the guy.

Can't you come up with somedead sneaky inside job?

Which is still simple enough to be performed

by people who live in a kennel?

Ideally.

Hmm.

OK.

Here's an idea.

So-- Crassus has got this new trophy wife

who keeps throwing parties.

JASON: So we kidnap her and cut off

her fingers till he pays up.MARCUS: No.

What? I haven't finished.

Now, I happen to know that she's throwing

a dinner party tonight.

GRUMIO: Cool, what're they serving?

MARCUS: It is completely irrelevant, Grumio.

The point is, Crassus will be distracted.

So when I turn up and tell himI need more eviction notices,

rather than go and get them for me,

he'll send me off to his study.

But I'll go through the back door

and let you guys in instead.

JASON: And then we torch the place.

MARCUS: No.

Then we go and stealsome of the mega valuable

art he's got everywhere.

JASON: Yes, of course, art.

MARCUS: I mean, do we reallyneed to bring this guy with us?

GRUMIO: Yeah, we do.

Me and him come as a package these days.

And bingo.

GRUMIO: What is it?

The mother lode.

Right.

You two, grab an end each.

There's no end to grab.

What do you mean?

It's one of them bitty ones.

Oh, shit.

It's a bloody mosaic.

So's this one.

They're all stuck down.

The prick's got burglar-proof art.

Maybe we should torch the place.

Stop trying to torch things.

He's got liftable stuff as well.I've seen it.

OK, nice.

I'll go and have a nosy.

Yeah.

Keep the noise down, maybe?

OK.

We and try and Jimmy it off.

With what?

Our box of chisels?

No, with our fingernails.

I let mine grow long when I went to seed.

Why would you start there?

Force of habit.

Ah, one down.

We'll have to put it all back together.

That's all right, you're ace at puzzles.

I've never done one on this scale.

Maybe keep all the colors separate.

Oh, and another one!

Oh-hoo!

What the fuck are you playing at?

Hey, Crassus.

How's the dinner party going?

Are you defacing my mosaic?

What?

No.

Well, I guess we are, but--

We're knicking it.

Because you owe us for killing our best mate,

you nasty bastard.

Shut up, you whiny bitch.

I don't owe you diddly shit.

Yeah, OK, plebs die sometimes.

So what?

Boo-bloody-hoo.

That's just what happens when the grown ups

are building civilizations.

Hey, I didn't get where Iam by being sentimental.

Case in point, you're fired.

Yes, I thought I might be.

Oi, oi, look what I found.

Hey, no, no, no, no.

No, no, put her down.

Oh, that's interesting.

I thought you weren't sentimental.

No, that's different.

No, come on.

Myrtle's 100 years old, for fuck's sake.

Oh, is she now?

Hello, deary.

Can you hear me all right?

I should warn you, this isa man of proven clumsiness.

That's true.

I mean, who knows what might happen?

I could, whoa-- whoa.

Or maybe, ah.

Or even, mm.

Oh, please, kid, be careful.

Actually, how would that work?

Would I have to unshell her first?

No, stop!

Please, put her down.

I'll give you anything you want.

Cash.

Bucket loads of sweet, sweet cash.

I don't carry liquid assets.

All my money's tied up in property.

That's fine.

We also accept property.

On reflection, we probablyshould have specified

which property we wanted.

Why?

This is the best one.

We've hit the jackpot, mate.

Plus you said it had strongredevelopment potential.

Yeah, well, I was lying, Grumio.

It doesn't even make a nice toilet.

I mean, it could make a banging wine bar.

Ooh, yes.

A wine bar.

We should have a wine bar.

That's what Stylaxwould've wanted, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, as an idea, it's quite stupid

and utterly unresearched.

So yes, it is.

Well, could work, actually.

A bar there, kitchen through there.

Yes, toilets there.

Uh, no.

We should probably move those.

There should be nuts.

Loads of nuts. And crisps.

Yeah, and music.

We need music.

Name wise, I'mthinking something classy

like, World of Wine.

Or maybe Shithole.

I like Grumio's Bar.

OK, well, some different ideas there.

So we'll come back to that.

[reggae music]

[SINGING] All right.

Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey!

Two!

Ah!

I came I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Got to believe me.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Oh yeah.

Can I conquer?

I gotta conquer?

I need to conquer you, you, you.

Baby.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah--