Original subtitles

Edited at https://subtitletools.com

[ MEN HOWLING ]

[ BARKING ]

HEY, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS. WAIT A SECOND.

DON'T LET THEM KNOW YOU WANT THEM.

BE COOL.

[ HOWLING GLUMLY ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ BIRDS CHIRP IN DISTANCE ]

OOH!

[ COUGHING ]

BROTHER, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SLEEPING?

I WAS TIRED.

I GET TIRED, AND I SLEEP.

CAN YOU FOLLOW THAT?

DID YOU FINISH BUILDING THE FENCE?

DO YOU SEE A FENCE? NO.

WHERE DID YOU GET THIS BEER?

WHAT BEER? WHAT BEER?

THIS BEER. OH, THAT BEER.

I BOUGHT IT -- SURE. HOW'D YOU BUY IT?

I, UH, BORROWED MONEY FROM A FRIEND.

WHAT FRIEND?

WHAT, WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE?

YOU'VE STOLEN MY MONEY!

OH, COME ON. STOP THAT.

NO, I DIDN'T STEAL IT. I-I BORROWED IT.

BESIDES, I'M KEEPING A VERY ACCURATE ACCOUNT

THAT WILL PAY YOU BACK TO THE LAST PENNY.

HOW WILL YOU DO THAT?

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.

VERY SIMPLE.

I'LL JUST CARVE MORE OF THESE COCONUT BOATS.

TOURISTS ALWAYS BUY THOSE THINGS FROM US KIDS.

THIS IS A BOAT?

YEP. BUILT IT WITH MY OWN HANDS.

WHAT TOURIST WOULD TAKE PITY ON YOU ENOUGH

TO BUY THIS PATHETIC OBJECT?

HEY, THAT'S MY BOAT.

BESIDES, YOU ARE A HIDEOUS, CHAIN-SMOKING CHILD.

WILL YOU CLAM IT? WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?

WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ABOUT THAT?

DO I HAVE TO HEAR THIS EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, HUH?

I KNOW THAT TECHNICALLY I'M STILL A BOY.

YES, TECHNICALLY YOU'RE STILL A BOY,

BECAUSE TECHNICALLY YOU'VE FAILED THE RITES OF MANHOOD

EVERY YEAR FOR THE LAST 37 YEARS.

YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP.

JUST SHUT UP!

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S IN THE BAG THIS YEAR, I PROMISE YOU.

I UNDERSTAND THE COMPETITION IS VERY WEAK.

THE COMPETITION IS 12 ON AVERAGE,

AND YOU'RE 53 YEARS OLD.

I'M 52 YEARS YOUNG!

YOU WILL FAIL.

OH, SURE, I MAY BE LESS AGILE AT THE TREE CLIMBING.

I MAY NOT BE SO HOT

AT THE MOUNTAIN-RUNNING PORTION OF THE CONTEST.

BUT I WILL DO GREAT AT THE PUBLIC SPEAKING,

AND I WILL SWEEP THE TRIVIA QUIZ.

THERE'S NO TRIVIA QUIZ.

NOW THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT!

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE A TRIVIA QUIZ FOR MANHOOD?

WHAT?

SURE. THAT'D BE FUN.

"CANDIDATE FOR MANHOOD, NAME THE BEST ACTOR IN 1982."

"WELL, OH, WISE ONE, IT WAS BEN KINGSLEY FOR 'GANDHI,'

WINNER OF SEVEN OSCARS IN TOTAL."

YES, YES. HELL, I'D BE CHIEF!

BUT NO, ON THIS ISLAND,

WE HAVE TO GO HUNTING FOR THE GREAT WHITE SHARK.

WE HAVE TO GO SEARCHING FOR THE GREAT WHITE SHARK.

[ CHANTING ]

SHUT UP, YOU PATHETIC FISH HEAD.

SOMETIMES I LOOK AT YOU, AND I HAVE TO WONDER

JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE OUR PRIORITIES ON THIS ISLAND?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE PRIORITIES ARE.

THEY'RE TO HUNT AND TO FISH AND TO PROCREATE WITH WOMEN,

WHICH IS SOMETHING YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, THERE A SECOND, BROTHER.

NOW I MAY BE A BOY, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN,

SOMETIMES I'M A...BAD BOY.

THAT IS FORBIDDEN YOU.

OH, IT'S FORBIDDEN, HUH?

YES, IT'S FORBIDDEN.

SO SPANK ME.

COME ON, SPANK ME.

I'D LIKE TO SPANK YOU.

SPANK THIS ASS.

LET'S SEE YOU SPANK THIS ASS!

YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE GUTS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I BET YOU'RE STILL A VIRGIN, TOO.

I KNEW IT! CASE CLOSED.

NOW WHERE'S MY SUNTAN LOTION?

AH, THERE IT IS.

WHAT DO YOU NEED WITH SUNTAN LOTION?

YOU'RE A NATIVE.

YES, BUT PSYCHOLOGICALLY, I'M A TOURIST.

YOU'RE USELESS.

YEAH, YEAH, I'M DENNIS THE MENACE, RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIKE A STUCK RECORD.

AND SPEAKING OF MONOTONY,

ARE YOU AND THE BOYS GOING OUT FISHING TODAY?

THE MEN OF THIS VILLAGE FISH EVERY DAY.

I JUST THOUGHT THAT SINCE PAGU GOT EATEN BY THE SHARK --

WHAT?

PAGU GOT EATEN BY A GREAT WHITE THIS MORNING.

NOT PAGU THE BRAVE?

YEAH, THAT BROUGHT BACK MR. BRAVE IN A LITTLE PAPER BAG,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

IN FACT, ISN'T THAT HIS HAND MOUNTED ON HIS WIDOW'S HUT?

PERSONALLY, I THINK IT'S TACKY,

BUT IF SHE LIKES IT.

WE ARE STILL MASTERS OF THE SHARK.

OH, YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.

ANYWAY, OLD MASTER, BE CAREFUL ON THE BOATS TODAY...

DON'T YOU WORRY.

...BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

[ Humming to "Jaws" theme ] ♪ DOO-DOO ♪

♪ DOO-DOO ♪

♪ DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO DOO-- ♪

DON'T YOU GET IT? WHAT?

"JAWS." WHAT?

1975, OSCAR WINNER FOR BEST ORIGINAL -- AH, FORGET IT!

I'M OFF TO THE BEACH.

YEAH, GO TO THE BEACH

AND HELP THE WOMEN WITH THEIR WASHING, BOY.

YEAH, I THINK I WILL.

♪ I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA... ♪

HEY, MONA, HOW'S IT HANGING, BABY?

[ CHANTING ]

MONA, IT'S ME -- SABU, SABU DEVORSKY.

I LIVE IN THE SECOND...

NO, MR. GORGENCHUCK, I WILL NOT STOP ROCKING IN YOUR CLASSROOM.

YOU'RE SITTING THERE TELLING ME ABOUT THE FOOD CHAIN.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THE ROCK CHAIN?

INSTEAD OF A COW AT THE TOP, THERE'S, LIKE, MAYBE A GUITAR.

'CAUSE, MR. GORGENCHUCK, IF I DON'T FEEL FREE TO ROCK,

BE IT HERE OR ANYWHERE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL CUT OFF MY LIMBS.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL CUT OFF MY LIMBS

AND MAIL THEM TO MOTHER RUSSIA.

'CAUSE IF I CAN'T ROCK, I DON'T WANT TO WALK.

SEE, IF I CAN'T AIR GUITAR, I DON'T WANT NO AIR AT ALL.

SO, MR. GORGENCHUCK, IF YOU REALLY WANT ME TO STOP ROCKING,

I HOPE YOU'RE PREPARED TO SAND OFF MY FACE.

ARE YOU, SIR?

ARE YOU PREPARED TO GRIND ME UP, BURN MY BONES,

AND SCATTER THE ASHES IN THE FAR REACHES OF THE UNIVERSE?

'CAUSE THAT IS WHAT IT'S GONNA TAKE, SIR.

YOU AND I ARE MORTAL, BUT ROCK 'N' ROLL WILL NEVER DIE.

NOW THAT'S JUST WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, BOBBY.

RECENT STUDIES SHOW THAT ROCK 'N' ROLL IS, IN FACT, DYING.

WHAT?

POPULAR MUSIC HAS BEEN ON THE WANE SINCE 1974,

THE YEAR OF THE FIRST BAD COMPANY RELEASE.

I HAVE THAT ALBUM.

OF COURSE YOU DO, BOB.

YOU SEE, POOR LIVE PERFORMANCES

BY THE LIKES OF CHUCK BERRY AND EVEN JERRY LEE LEWIS

ARE DESTROYING THE MUSIC THAT THEY ALLEGE TO CELEBRATE.

AND TESTS SHOW THAT A BEACH BOYS CONCERT IS A VERY SAD THING.

THIS, COUPLED WITH THE GROWING INTEREST IN ETHNIC MUSIC,

HAS UNDERMINED THE SUPPORT BASE

OF THE MUSIC THAT YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS LOVE.

WHAT?

LET'S SEE IF I CAN'T PUT THIS INTO TERMS YOU'LL UNDERSTAND.

SAY YOU HAD 12 BEER.

OH, OKAY, ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT!

NOW LET'S SAY THAT FOUR OF THOSE BEER REPRESENT THE POGUES,

ANOTHER SIX REPRESENT THE GIPSY KINGS,

AND ONE BEER IS SHARED

BY THE CHIEFTAINS AND LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO.

HOLD IT. THAT ONLY LEAVES ONE BEER.

I'LL NEVER GET DRUNK ON JUST ONE BEER.

EXACTLY, BOB.

BUT LEARN TO NURSE THAT BEER,

AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'LL BE LOVING JAZZ.

JAZZ?! NEVER!

TESTS DON'T LIE, BOB.

HOW LONG HAS...ROCK GOT?

ACCORDING TO A COMPUTER MODEL, THREE YEARS --

ABOUT THE TIME YOU'LL BE GRADUATING.

THEN I'LL LIVE EACH DAY LIKE MY ROCKING LAST!

WHEREAS I WILL LOOK FORWARD TO THE DOMINANCE OF JAZZ!

THEN YOU, SIR, ARE MY NEMESIS!

[ PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ ]

NO! UNH-UNH! NO! NO! UNH-UNH!

[ SCREAMING ]

COME ON IN.

WOW. A STUDIO.

THAT'S MINE.

THAT'S MINE.

THAT'S MINE.

THAT'S MINE.

THE REST IS ALL AT THE EXHIBIT.

I REALLY LIKED YOUR EXHIBIT.

THANK YOU.

AAHHH!

[ LAUGHS ]

I SEE YOU'VE NOTICED MY TARANTULAS.

DON'T WORRY. YOU'RE SAFE.

YOU LIKE THEM?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

YOU WEAR A UNIFORM, BUT YOU MAKE IT YOUR OWN.

REALLY?

YOU KNOW, MELANIE, YOU SORT OF REMIND ME OF A SPIDER.

REALLY?

YEAH, I MEAN THAT IN A GOOD WAY, SPIRITUALLY.

THE LIGHT IN YOUR EYE,

THE ETHEREAL QUALITY TO YOUR HAIR...

YOUR SILVERY SMILE.

SPIDERS HAVE PERSONALITIES, YOU KNOW.

YOU JUST HAVE TO BE VERY OPEN TO IT, VERY AWARE.

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

VERY, VERY AWARE.

BORING! BORING!

PSYCHIC. PSYCHIC?

I THINK I'M PSYCHIC.

I KNEW HE WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

FRED, WHAT IS HE UP TO?

WHAT'S HE UP TO?

HE'S HITTING ON ANOTHER TEENAGE GIRL.

THAT'S WHAT HE'S UP TO.

PERVERT.

I CAN SEE YOU'RE AN OLD SOUL.

OLD SOUL? THAT OLD LINE?!

LOOK AT HER. JUST TAKE A LOOK AT HER.

I'M LOOKING.

OH, AND WHAT A SAD SIGHT.

SHE'S ONLY 15.

THAT'S IT. I'M GOING FOR HIS NECK!

GO, MAN. GO!

I REALLY LIKE YOUR PAINTING.

THANK YOU.

I ALSO ACT.

SO I GUESS THAT MAKES ME AN ACTOR/PAINTER/POET.

WOW. THAT'S SO GREAT.

BUT I HATE LABELS.

LET'S LOOK AT YOUR WORK.

COME ON.

FRED, LOOK OUT FOR HER FEET!

OH, NO!

OH, NO! FRED! FRED!

FRED!!

DON'T BE EMBARRASSED. I'M SURE --

AAH! OH, GEEZ.

DON'T PANIC, MELANIE. WATCH IT, WATCH IT.

OH, I'M SORRY.

THAT'S NO BIG DEAL. I NEVER LIKED THIS ONE ANYWAY.

WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

HIS NAME? ALLEN.

NO, IT'S FRED! BYE, ALLEN.

REVE-E-E-E-NGE!

REVENGE!

OOH.

NOW THIS IS VERY INTERESTING.

VERY MATURE.

YOU KNOW, MELANIE,

YOUR PAINTING AT THE LEVEL OF A 23-YEAR-OLD.

YOU THINK IT'S GOOD? GOOD?

WHAT IS GOOD?

DA VINCI?

PUSH! HEAVE!

I MEAN, DON'T LET YOURSELF BE PUT IN A CAGE.

LIKE JAIL? NO! NOT LIKE JAIL.

I MEAN, DON'T LET YOURSELF BE HEMMED IN BY WORDS,

LIKE GOOD OR BAD OR RICH OR POOR OR VIRGIN OR SLUT.

[ GRUNTING ] MUST KILL.

YOU KNOW, YOUR CHAIR STUDY

REMINDS ME OF EROTIC JAPANESE LITHOGRAPHS.

I HAVE A BOOK OF THEM I'D LOVE TO SHOW YOU.

SURE.

[ Grunting ] HELLO!

COME ON.

REVENGE! HA!

[ PANTING ]

WEIRD.

HMM.

NOOO!

ISN'T THAT WEIRD, HUH?

COME ON.

COME ON.

PLEASE...SOMEONE GET ME AN ENTOMOLOGIST.

HELP!!

HELP!!

GOODBYE, HONEY. BYE.

WE'LL MISS YOU.

YEAH, HAVE A GREAT TIME IN MEXICO.

BEHAVE YOURSELVES.

WE'LL BEHAVE!

BYE-BYE!

BYE.

GREAT.

WE HAVE THE WHOLE COUNTRY TO OURSELVES!

JUST TWO BACHELORS ON THE LOOSE.

LET'S PARTY!

COME ON.

[ ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYS ]

[ BOTH GROANING ]

OH, GOD, I'M TIRED.

WHAT DAY IS IT?

LET ME CHECK.

IT'S THE 23rd.

OH, NO. THE GIRLS ARE COMING BACK TODAY.

OH, NO. WE'D BETTER CLEAN UP THE COUNTRY.

OH, JESUS.

[ ROCK 'N' ROLL PLAYS ]

[ BOTH GROANING ]

OH, GREAT. WE MADE IT.

OH, NO. LIPSTICK!

OH, JEEZ!

HELLO! HELLO!

HI! WE'RE HOME!

OH! OH-OH!

DID YOU MISS US?

OH, SURE, WE MISSED YOU.

OF COURSE WE MISSED YOU.

IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.

I KNOW. LET'S CELEBRATE.

LET'S GO DANCING! LET'S GO DANCING!

OH, NO! OH, NO!

SURE. GOOD IDEA!

GOOD IDEA.

HEY, MOM, DAD, DOCTOR...

I WANT MY FORESKIN BACK.

IT WAS STOLEN FROM ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT.

THEY SAY YOU LOSE 70% OF SENSATION

IN THE HEAD OF THE PENIS AFTER CIRCUMCISION.

[ Voice breaking ] THE MIND BOGGLES.

WHAT STRANGE CREATURES BE THESE PARENTS?

THEY SAY, "IT'S MUCH NICER NOW --

ALL CLEANED UP, LIKE A GOOD HAIRCUT."

HEY, I WANT MY HOOD BACK!

I'M COLD.

IT NEEDS ITS LITTLE BLANKET.

I COULD SUE.

I KNOW I COULD SUE, BUT WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT?

IT WON'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

I'LL ALWAYS BE MUTILATED --

ANOTHER NORTH AMERICAN LOSER WITH AN EXPOSED HEAD.

SO I WEAR TURTLENECKS.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

I LOVE THIS SONG.

I LOVE THIS SONG!

OH, IT'S SO TRUE!

I WISH THIS SONG WAS A WHOLE DAY LONG.

MAN, I WOULD HAVE THE BEST DAY THAT DAY.

I JUST CAN'T LISTEN TO IT WHILE I DRIVE.

IT'S THAT GOOD.

YEP. FAVORITE SONG IN MY CAR.

LIFE'S A PRETTY SWEET FRUIT.

[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]

DON'T YOU EVER LAUGH AT MY CAR.

SO...

WHAT DO YOU THINK I PAID FOR HER?

I'LL TELL YOU. 300 BUCKS.

30 EASY PAYMENTS -- COULDN'T EVEN FEEL THEM.

IT WAS LIKE A SOFT BREEZE BLOWING THROUGH MY BANK ACCOUNT.

[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]

WHO AM I KIDDING?

36 BUCKS A MONTH ALMOST KILLED ME.

[ SNIFFS ]

OUTDOORSY!

[ BRAKES SQUEAL ]

NOT A WORD.

GREAT.

I HAD TO PICK TODAY TO GO BALD.

I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN.

WHAT'S A GUY NEED HIS HAIR FOR WHEN HE'S GOT HIS...RADIO!

IN SPORTS, THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE...

I LOVE THE SPORTS SCORE. IT'S SO TRUE!

THE FLYERS RIPPED THE SABRES, 14-3.

THE CANADIENS GOT PAST THE FLAMES, 7-6.

LIFE IS A PRETTY SWEET FRUIT.

[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]

SIR, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT APPEARS THAT WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

[ Whiny voice ] NO.

YES, I'M AFRAID WE DO.

NOW LET'S NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH.

OKAY, WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT CONCERNS YOU.

OH!

AND SOMEONE YOU HIRED.

OH, NO!

YES, AND PEOPLE ARE TALKING, AND THINGS ARE HAPPENING, SIR.

WHAT THINGS? BAD THINGS.

OHH, NO! OHH!

SIR, THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WE HAVE GOT TO FACE HEAD ON.

OKAY. WHAT IS IT?

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT GIRL THAT YOU HIRED? NO.

THE FRENCH GIRL. NO.

FROM ACCOUNTING. NO.

MONIQUE. YEAH.

WELL, IT APPEARS THAT MONIQUE HAS BEEN BURNING THINGS.

OH, WHAT THINGS?

BIG THINGS. WELL, HOW BIG?

CARS, BUILDINGS, BRANCH PLANTS.

OH, WHY DOES SHE DO THAT?

BECAUSE SHE'S A PYROMANIAC.

AND, SIR, YOU HIRED HER.

OH, WELL, SO WHAT IF I DID?

EVERYONE LIKES A FIRE, AND IT'S CHRISTMAS.

SIR, WE CAN'T AFFORD TO EMPLOY AN ARSONIST.

WE'RE AN INSURANCE COMPANY.

WELL, I DON'T CARE.

WELL, YOU SHOULD CARE, 'CAUSE PEOPLE ARE GETTING WORRIED.

OH, WELL, PEOPLE SHOULDN'T WORRY.

I'M FINE.

THEY'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

OH, WELL, WHY ARE THEY WORRIED?!

FLAMES, FIRE, DEATH. GO FIGURE.

OHH!

HELLO!

SIR, I THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID THIS CONFRONTATION.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

IS IT?!

WELL, WHAT IF IT IS? MY HEAD HURTS.

SIR, WE ARE IN A CRISIS, AND ACTION MUST BE TAKEN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

VEGETABLE?

WRONG!!

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIRE HER.

IN THIS LIFE? TODAY.

TONIGHT? NOW!

SHE'S OUTSIDE. I'LL GO BRING HER IN.

HEY, MAYBE IF YOU KEPT HER WAITING, SHE'D QUIT.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

TAXI!

[ SIGHS ] SIR.

BONJOUR, MONIQUE.

BONJOUR, MONSIEUR.

MOMENT? YES?

DO YOU -- DO YOU -- DO YOU LIKE IT HERE?

OH, YES, EVERYONE IS SO FLAMMABLE!

OH, GREAT. WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

WELL, YOU JUST KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK,

AND I'M SORRY THAT I HAD TO INTERRUPT YOUR DAY LIKE THIS.

OH, NO. NO PROBLEM.

MONSIEUR! MON FEU! SIR.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

"VOUS ETES TRES BELLE"? SIR!

ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T FIRE ME. I'M FROM FRANCE.

SHE'S GOT A POINT.

WHAT POINT?! HOW WOULD I KNOW?

DO IT!!

OH, WELL, HELP ME OUT! COME ON, BE A TEAM PLAYER!

CHIP IN, MUCK IN! COME ON!

MONIQUE, YOU'RE FIRED.

I HATE YOU.

OH, NOW SHE HATES ME!

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.

I DON'T WANT TO BE HATED.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

YOU'RE PATHETIC.

AM I? YES.

NO, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE.

OKAY, WELL, BIG DEAL.