Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.LT

[Gallagher] Are you ready?

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.LT

Here I come. You ready?

Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting the incredible... me.

[audience cheering]

Yay.

Yay.

Ta-da.

[cheering continues]Thank you.

[cheering continues]

[cheering continues]

All right, all right, all right.

All right, all right. You get the job.

[audience] Yeah!All right.

Well, this here is my corner bar.

Drinks on the street, free comedian.

You got two. You don't got none.

It don't matter.

We're here to just talk about the world

and go back and forth on the street here

and have a couple of drinks.

Not everybody has a drink.

How come you don't have-- What is your name?

[man] My name's Larry Spector.

You're real proud of that, ain't ya?

Well, now--[audience applauding, cheering]

Who is sitting behind him? What is your name, man?

No, you, you. A man. Man. When I say "man"--

Randy Smith.Your name is Randy Smith.

See, Rand-ay. Rand-ay.

You know, not Randy Smith! It's Randy.

Randy, you don't have a drink?

[Randy] They didn't bring me one.

I know it.

[audience laughing]

We need to set you up better.

[cheering, laughing]

Huh?

You're tipping.

Well, whose was this? We need some more drinks in here.

[audience shouting, cheering]

Now, you probably don't know this,

but you are what you drink, unless you throw it up.

Then you're a mess. Right, Randy?

But don't get the feeling

that you have to be self-conscious about being a mess.

People think cleanliness is next to godliness.

It ain't. I looked it up in the dictionary.

"Goggles" is next to "godliness."

"Cleanliness" is next to "claustrophobia" and "cleavage."

You can look it up.

People are always telling you stuff you don't need to know.

Aren't they telling you that?[man] Yeah.

I forgot your name.

You're Larry. You're Randy Spector?

Right.

I didn't forget it, did I?

What do you do for a living?

I manage entertainers.

Well, if one comes by, we'll talk.

That's okay.

Well, then you know about people telling you stuff

you don't need to know, right?

People are always telling you that.

They'll tell you to eat before you go to the grocery store,

that way you don't buy so much.

That don't work with a liquor store, does it?

No. You go there drunk, you buy everything they got.

Let me have that 55-gallon drum of Ripple

right there, will ya?

[audience laughing]

You sound like you're in a good mood. You people into food much?

[audience] Yes.You into food?

Healthy people?[audience] Yeah.

A lot of people think that I'm a--

that I'm a vegetarian.

[audience laughing]

But I ain't. I like wiener.

Now--

[audience cheering, applauding]

You must like wieners, too.

A lot of people lead a pure life

will tell you not to eat this 'cause it contains chemicals.

But that's just the reason that you should eat it,

'cause if you lead a pure life,

you don't get no chemicals in your body.

Then you get a little of this by accident,

it's gonna lay your ass out dead.

See, I'm building up a resistance right now.

Who wants to build up a resistance? Anybody?

Want a wiener up there?[audience shouting]

[audience members shouting]

Hey, Reggie Jackson don't hit a home run every time, does he?

No. It's terrible, though, this meat.

Look at you people smoking, being all healthful

and just letting all that smoke go up in the air like that.

It stunts your growth.

That's why men do it after sex.

Why, you're a cigar smoker, ain't ya?

Don't look around. There ain't a woman.

What is your name?

[man] Craig.Craig.

Yeah.Good name.

What's your name?Gallagher.

Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

How long have you been in the cigar area?

About a year.About a year now?

Yeah.Did you move up from cigarettes?

No.

You just went right into cigar--Yeah.

What the-- [mutters]

[audience laughing, murmuring]

Do you see what he has over there?

Now, what did your mother tell you?

If you can't bring enough for everybody, don't get it out.

[audience laughing, applauding]

And smoking a cigar on top of that.

How can you handle these two things?

Smoke it in this.Oh.

And drinking in the other hand. Damn.

If you had another hand, you'd need another drug, wouldn't you?

[audience laughing]

You ever wonder what it'd be like if you did have another hand?

Ever hear people say, "I only got two hands"?

Where the hell would you put another one?

Put one right out the middle,

that way--

[audience laughing]

Well, that way you could lean forward at the--

in the bathroom and use both hands, couldn't you?

[audience laughing]

Or if you're at a cocktail party,

you could carry your food and have your drink right there,

and it'd be good.

I'm always thinking about things like that

'cause I don't believe the human body is perfect.

It isn't perfect. Take your nose, for example.

You think it's a good idea to put a wet, drainy thing like that

upside down over your mouth?

No. It's unsafe. It's unsanitary.

If the health department saw it, you'd have 10 days to fix it or move out, right?

Where else could you put your nose?

Everyplace out of the way has got kind of a stink.

You couldn't put it there. You couldn't put it there.

You could switch it with your belly button,

that way your face would look like a bowling ball, you know?

Then every time you sneezed, your zipper would whistle

and you coke freaks would have a soda straw hanging out your fly.

[laughing, cheering]

Wouldn't it be neat if the parts of your body really were parts?

You could mix and match and move stuff around, take it off,

send it out, get it chromed.

Say you're laying in bed on a Saturday morning,

and your woman says, "Get your ass out of bed."

You go, "Here, take it. Leave me alone."

You could ask her for a piece. You might just get it.

[audience laughing]

Be okay, wouldn't it?

Although your hand is perfect.

God in His infinite wisdom

made you a little tool kit here.

Only He knew you'd need something just this size

for cleaning out your ear.

This one here--

Well, this one here goes right up your nose, if you noticed that.

This one's for the wedding. And this one, of course, is for the divorce.

How many are--

I always thought it'd be neat if you could take your arms off when you go to bed.

They always fall asleep before I do.

I wish I could just pick it up, hang it up.

What would you hang the other one up with?

[audience laughing]

I was thinking the other day, if your knees bent the other way,

what would a chair look like?

You people ain't thinking about this stuff, are ya?

Well, you ain't smoking good shit.

Right?

[audience shouting replies]

I'm not advocating using any illegal smoking materials

by members of our society that do not wish to do so,

although I think it's a good idea for old people.

It makes the time go slow.

It could add years to retirement.

Get your grandma a lid of Colombian and a ton of yarn,

and you get back an afghan to cover the garage.

Go, Granny, go!

Although, I guess Colombian is a pretty expensive gift

to be just giving your grandma, you know.

Even Colombian grown in this country is expensive.

[audience laughing]

You might get some of that, too, right?

Fifty dollars, shit.

[audience laughing]

I ought to drag it out here. If you're gonna pay $50 a lid for shit,

you ought to use it in your show so you can write it off your income tax.

I put it down under transportation.

[laughing]

You know, when my stomach's upset, gang,

I have Hershey's chocolate syrup.

Now, it don't do much for gas,

but it makes every burp a chocolate surprise.

Mm, mm!

You know, chocolate goes to a place in your brain

right next to sex.

If you can't get screwed, have a Snickers.

[audience laughing]

Well, how many know they're having a Snickers tonight?

All right, who gets a Snickers now?

[shouting]Snickers over there. Snickers there.

Snickers there. We got some Snickers.

We got Snickers.

All of those people that are not getting--

Look at you. How beautiful, and you're not getting no--

I didn't get any Snickers.I know it.

That's my question. Why in the hell are you having a Snickers tonight?

Look at you.

Are you here with a girlfriend-- Is that your boyfriend next to you?

I'll throw you a candy bar if I'm damn sure you ain't doing nothing tonight.

[audience laughing]

All right.

All right! Whoo!

[applauding]

Want another one?Whoo!

I think she just does stuff for candy.

What is your name?Rita. Rita-- Her--

Herbst? Don't--

When anybody else asks your name, just say "Rita."

Herbst is something that, you know, is--

We're living in a society that's very sexually confusing.

You really don't know.[man] Why?

Well, because you just don't know.

What with the idea of transsexuals,

I look at that woman, there might be a man's spirit

trapped in that body.

Well, I applied it to myself. I thought maybe there's a female spirit

trapped in my body, and I don't know it 'cause she's a lesbian.

[audience laughing, applauding]

How would I know? I like some girls' stuff.

I always felt safe around a girl's bike, for instance.

[audience laughing]

Does it seem reasonable to you

that the one with the balls gets the one with the bar?

[audience laughing, applauding]

I'll tell you something worse,

worse than missing the seat on your bicycle--

dancing close with a girl,

'cause girls are just made to tease.

Just natural. It's all up front, and it teases.

Just nothing they can do about it.

And you start dancing real close, you know.

Pretty soon things start happening, right?

And they rub around

like they're gonna do a whole lot more than just dance.

The music's over, they cut out for the punch bowl.

You're out there. "Hey, that was pretty good.

Sure, boy. Good dance.

That was some good dancing, yes, sir."

Of course, I used to know this girl

let me do anything I wanted to do.

Do y'all believe that?

Actually, she'd let anybody do anything they wanted to do.

Everybody knew her. She was weird

but very fair.

After you'd do her, she'd do you back.

That's fair, isn't it?

All she'd ever do, though, is pluck a single hair

from the top of your head for her scrapbook.

We finally moved away from that neighborhood.

I was about, oh, 14--

14, 15.

About 15, I think.

I was about 15, I think.

You remember her a little bit, don't you?

You knew her more than I did, didn't you?

This is a raw deal, isn't it?

When one falls out like that one, I wonder,

"What the hell held it in yesterday?"

[audience laughing]

Why today?

It needs washing, but I ain't gonna wash it.

I figure if it's gonna fall out, it can take the goddamn dirt with it.

It needs cutting, too, but you don't prune a dead tree, do you?

I don't even comb it. I figure the tangles holding half of it in.

Big deal, parallel hair. Who needs that, right?

You can't explain this problem to a woman, now.

No. See, 'cause women don't--

there's nothing parallel in woman-ness, you know?

I mean, this is my sexuality, see?

Women got sex hanging out all over 'em,

but men just got their hair.

You get used to having it, it's gone.

You girls would have to imagine like if your tits fell off.

[audience laughing]

Real slow.

Just kind of slid on down,

popped off at the knee.

[audience applauding, cheering]

You're beginning to see what I'm talking about.

I guess you look at that and you say to yourself,

"Well, I bet he don't get much."

Well, you're wrong.

I don't get any.

But you just miss out on a lot of loving, having a head that looks like this.

You figure it out. If the hair fell out of your dog,

would you want to pet him?

[audience laughing]

Well, you like that damn joke.

Do you know why a bird is so ugly?

You would be, too, if your pecker was between your eyes.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[cheering]

Don't make sense. See, I'm thinking about stuff all the time.

While you're at home getting drunk, I'm thinking. That's my job.

See, I'm thinking all the time, trying to improve the world

through overview,

which you get from Colombian.

[audience laughing]

When you get this overview,

then you can solve the world's problems.

You say, "Hey, take all them houses out by the airport

nobody wants to live in 'cause it's too noisy

and give 'em to deaf people."

I hope I didn't offend any deaf people,

but I don't guess they heard that joke, did they?

And don't get the idea I don't know the value

of handicapped people in a society, 'cause I do.

If it wasn't for handicapped people, I never would find a parking space.

Hey, I had an overview the other day--

figured out how to save us millions.

Do the Jehovah Witnesses come by your house about every other day?

Why don't we give 'em the mail to deliver?

[audience cheering]

They're already in the neighborhood.

You know they're gonna ring every bell.

Am I right?

They say since Proposition 13

we don't have enough money now for dam inspectors.

I say good. We don't need no dam inspectors.

If you got a house down-street from the dam,

your ass ought to be up there checking for cracks.

Am I right?[audience] Yeah.

You know I'm right.

The government's dumb.

You know what they call the department in charge of everything outdoors?

Tell 'em.[man] Department of the Interior.

Interior.

Only words you can't use.

Sounds like it ought to be staffed by decorators instead of bureaucrats.

Could you see, like, interior decorator

in charge of Hoover Dam?

"This whole wall has to go.

[laughing, applauding]

Masonry, masonry, masonry.

We need windows. Let in light."

I do that good, don't I?

[audience laughing, shouting]

I'm from Hollywood.

Living in Hollywood's like living in a bowl of granola.

What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes, right.

[laughing, applauding]

I had a strange idea, I think, the other day--

that instead of having advertisements on billboards,

it'd be a good idea to put road maps.

And this would save gas,

since, I think, about 1 out of 10 cars is lost.

Don't they drive that way?

But yet we have all these advertisements.

They ought to just come up to the corner and see where the hell they are.

"You are here," you know. Then head out.

I know it ain't a funny idea. Just makes sense, don't it?

When I come up to a corner, I don't need to see

a dog pulling down the bathing suit of some Coppertone kid.

I need to know where's my ass.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Right?

Now--

You know where it is. It's in a crack lately.

Everybody's is because of this oil situation.

I'll tell you something about them OPEC-ers.

[audience laughing]

They're real lucky that we can't drive over there,

or there'd be some independent truckers

kicking some butts in Kuwait tonight.

Right?

[audience cheering, applauding]

I say--

I say we should cut off their supply of bedsheets

so they don't have nothing to wear to them demonstrations.

Right?[audience members] Yeah.

Of if you just put me in charge

of this country's science technology,

I'll figure a way of boring through the earth

and sucking it out from under 'em.

[audience laughing]

'Cause it ain't their oil, is it?

They're just closer to it.

I guess we ought to be glad they're still taking dollars for the oil

and don't want something of value.

[audience members moaning, booing]

I'm not that goddamn impressed with you either.

[audience laughing]

I ain't impressed with this whole country.

We're screwing up. We're losing everything.

Have you noticed that?

Yes. We lose--[man] Who's "we"? Speak for yourself.

Americans, Americans!

Americans are losing.

We don't watch it,

we're all gonna be picking our clothes out of the trash can.

[audience laughing]

[man] It just so happens...

Just so happens.

How do you like this? A sports coat.

[audience laughing]

[audience shouting, applauding]

I could've worn something a little more classified.

[audience laughing, moaning]

[man] ...to match your pants.What?

Wear it to match your pants.

Does not match my pants.

Nothing matches my pants.

This, I think, is a good idea.

This here uses the forces of the pyramid

to sharpen the wit.

Pretty handy, huh? Maybe in the future

people will be dressing like this,

having to wear newspaper clothes.

Doesn't do much for the hairline, does it?

It's a good hat, though. Most hats, you put 'em down on a chair,

people sit on 'em.

[audience laughing]

Doesn't happen with this.

I'm thinking about...

people that don't like smokers.

You just kind of wear this medallion smoke alarm.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[alarm blares]

Need I say more?

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience cheering]

I was getting on a plane the other day...

[audience laughing]

and they took my ass off.

[audience laughing, applauding]

I was getting on a plane. He says, "Are you a smoker or a nonsmoker?"

I thought, "Why am I defined by what it is I do not do?"

You know what I mean? I should be normal. Other people are weird.

I don't pee my seat. They don't ask me that.

Say, "You a pisser or a nonpisser?"

I say, "If it's a DC-10, I'm a pisser."

See, we're such a wasteful society.

We just waste stuff--

Look at this. Look.

Somebody threw away a perfectly good Gallagher doll.

[audience laughing]

[applauding, cheering]

Why do they do this?

These damn things are rare.

You just don't run across these all the time.

[audience laughing]

Look. Here's a perfectly good Tonight Showhome game.

Here's Johnny.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Look. It had a Carnac.

Had a guest host. There's Joey.

It's not worth throwing away. Why did this get thrown away?

The longer the pipe, the cooler the smoke.

Oh, I know. You can't light the sumbitch.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience laughing]

Look. Here's a perfectly good 12-string guitar.

Damn.

You want to sing some songs?

What do you want to sing?

Let's sing, um, "What Do You Get When You Fall In Love?"

You want to do that one?

[audience laughing, applauding]

[mutters]

You know, you can tell how much money

a woman has in her purse by how she carries it.

See, a woman like this here, she probably just got paid.

This bitch ain't got a dollar.

This ain't bad.

[man] All right.

It's okay. Wait a minute. Whoa!

What is your name?[man] Tom.

What do you do for a living?Make pottery.

You make pottery? You do? Okay, throw that better.

[man] Aww.[audience members groaning]

Hey, man, there's one on this end and one on this end.

Why did you throw it in the middle?

What is your name again?Tom.

Tom. Okay. Ready?

Don't count me out.

[audience cheering, applauding]

To me sports just ain't interesting enough.

Like, if I had me a baseball team,

I'd have a midget for a catcher,

that way he wouldn't have to squat.

[audience laughing]

You know, I'm not too good at this

because you need to be well-rounded in the world,

and to get good at something you have to focus, you know.

And I got other things, you know.

I think if you're good at sports,

you're like, not good in sex or something, you know.

You know, you get good at what you practice.

You know, that's why I'm not so good at this here.

Well, you know,

I think that if you're good at a sport,

you're probably not so good in bed.

I think that tennis players probably jump over the bed and shake your hand.

I think a real good swimmer probably, when he gets to the headboard,

does a flip turn and comes back for another lap.

And I wonder, does a rodeo cowboy

think nine seconds is a long ride?

[audience laughing, applauding]

[indistinct]

Gymnasts, though-- I bet you gymnasts are real good.

Wouldn't you like to, uh, say, uh, Nadia?

She's a perfectionist. Imagine that, guys-- a 10.

"Wow, Nadia, that was perfect." You know?

"Even pointed your toes, you little devil.

That full-twisting dismount wasn't bad either, babe."

[applauding]

Well, I'd like to talk about driving a little bit right now.

I wish I had my car.

Well, when you have your own TV show, you get your wishes, don't you?

This helps me to get into the mood of talking about driving,

'cause, you know, you get to be a different person when you get in your car.

You know, you act different.

You'll be polite in everyday life, and then you get behind your car.

"Get outta the way!

I'm drivin'!"

You know what I mean? You just get impatient

when you're in your car.

I'm down on ignorance and stupidity.

Driving is a game you play by the rules.

Am I right?[audience members] Right.

I'm against all these idiots driving down the freeway

with the seat belt hanging out the door making sparks.

[audience laughing, applauding]

The ones going over the overpass with the turn signal on, you know.

Blink, blink. It's like a sign to the whole world.

"I'm stupid as hell. I'm stupid as hell. I'm stupid as hell."

[audience applauding]

Or else they're in the fast lane of the freeway

going about 35 miles an hour

with a bumper sticker on the back that says "I'd rather be sailing."

Good. Get the hell off the road.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Right?[audience] Right.

And take the cops with you. We don't need--

We don't need cops on the highway.

They only do two things. Both of 'em screw up traffic.

Number one, they go the speed limit.

This is gonna slow everybody down.

The other thing they do is they chase speeders going a hundred miles an hour.

What does this do? Doubles the number of cars going a dangerous speed.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Chances are, if they slowed down,

the Mexicans would, too.

I don't know why they drive that fast

with a family in the trunk to begin with.

[audience applauding, cheering]

It's their business.

Now, now, now.

I'm not here to pick on the Mexicans,

'cause Mexicans got oil.

Oil now. They just discovered it.

Been there forever. They just discovered it.

[audience laughing]

Mañanawe will look for oil.

You can't blame 'em. They didn't know they could make any more money

with that land than they could growing dope.

I made myself laugh, Dave.

You know, if they want to slow things down on the freeway,

they should legalize marijuana.

I drive real careful stoned.

I'm changing lanes!

[audience laughing, applauding]

[cheering]

You ever do that?

Or you see a stoplight way up ahead and you go,

"I'll try the brakes back here.

Oh. Traffic looks heavy.

I'll pull out tomorrow."

[audience laughing, applauding]

I think driving should be more fun.

You know, if you go to an amusement park

with a little oval of asphalt and some washing machine cars,

you'd go out and have a great time.

Look at our freeways and our automobiles.

Underpasses, overpasses, dig it up, dig it around, go through.

We don't have no damn fun.

Ought to have a big rubber bumper around cars

so you could bang into people.

It'd be okay.

People start coming in your lane, you go pow!

You know what I mean?

[audience applauding]

Or if you're at a stoplight

and there an old lady in front of you and the light turns green,

run her ass up to the next light.

[audience applauding]

I got gas and first gear for two cars.

You can't give an old lady whiplash 'cause her head don't go above the seat.

[audience laughing]

So it don't hurt.

If I had my way in this world,

every driver would be issued

a little rubber stick-'em dart gun like you had when you were a kid.

When somebody does something stupid in front of you, you hang out the window

and you shoot 'em in the trunk.

It would stick there with a little sign that said "stupid" on it.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Then when the highway patrol comes by

and sees a car with about a dozen of these,

he just pulls 'em over and gives 'em a ticket for being an asshole.

[cheering]

'Cause--

Which brings up the topic

of automobile mechanics.

Right, ladies?

You have a little problem with those mechanics

because you don't know anything about an engine.

You don't know what they tell you

is the truth or what's fabricated.

Have you ever noticed just about the time you see

a total you could pay, they add the labor.

So what can a lady do? Or a guy?

I don't know much about cars.

I'm not gonna take it apart and see if they did it right.

Am I?

A lady could say something like, "Save the parts." You know?

"I'm gonna show 'em to my husband.

He's a mechanic.

[laughing]

He'd be working on this car, but one fell on his head and--

[laughing]

He'll be okay, and then I'll show him the parts."

But that isn't insurance either 'cause they could show you any part.

You don't know what they say is the truth.

I had this car fixed. They said they repaired all the belts.

Here's a couple of 'em.

They say they got my hoses fixed,

[ringing]my rings,

my plugs and points,

[audience laughing, applauding]

my rocker arms,

[audience laughing, applauding]

the head gasket.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[man] Tie rod.Tie rod!

[man] Universal joint.Universal joint!

[audience laughing, applauding]

[man] Manifold.Manifold!

[man] Belt.

[woman] Trainer bra.

[audience laughing]

Trainer bra for a real dumb girl.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Nut rack.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, nut rack.

I wish this, uh, was gone.

Damn.

[cheering, applauding]

Well...

um, I'm gonna do my show now.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[man] All right!So...

I think I got you people warmed up good enough.

You seem to be pleasant. I'm gonna go back here

and get my show, and we'll do it.

You ready?[audience] Yeah!

Okay, give me to, um, a count of 10.

You ready?

[audience] One, two,

three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

Whoo! The show! It's the show!

It's the show! It's the show!

I need my stool!

I need my stool!

[audience members shouting]

I need my stool!

Ladies and gentlemen!

[audience members shouting]

[cheering]

[audience applauding]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I did not come here tonight to make you laugh.

I came here to sell you something.

I want you to pay particular attention

because the amazing Master Tool Corporation,

a subsidiary of Fly By Night Industries,

has entrusted who? Me.

To show you the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool

you've ever seen.

And don't you want to know how it works?

[audience] Yeah!

Well, good.

First, you get out an ordinary apple.

You place the ordinary apple between the patented pans.

Then what do you do, gang? It's simple.

You reach for the tool that is not a slicer.

It's not a dicer. It's not a chopper in a hopper.

What can it possibly be?

Hey. The mystery is over.

It is Sledge-O-Matic. Hey.

[screaming]

[audience applauding]

[audience cheering]

Wasn't that quick and easy?

Applesauce in an instant.

Yes, there's the beginning of a fine fruit salad.

This, folks, is Sledge-O-Matic,

the wonder tool of a thousand uses.

You can make your own peanut butter

right to whole fruit and vegetable juices,

mounds of mashed potatoes.

Why, Sledge-O-Matic will even make French fries.

But I swear you've got to crack that sumbitch just right.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Now, ladies,

are you looking for a way to disguise leftovers?

I'll tell you what you do.

You root 'em around in the patented pan. You guessed it.

You hit 'em again! Chicken. Look at you.

[audience laughing]

Sledge-O-Matic will kill ants, roaches, flies, appetites,

anything which crawls into the patented pan.

[laughing]

Now I know what some of you are saying.

"Sure, you can do it with an apple.

Sure, you can do it with a potato.

But can he do it with a watermelon?"

[cheering]

I may or may not have the watermelon.

That depends upon your reaction to the rest of my show.

[audience laughing, cheering]

Good seats, huh?

You know, many people don't get their vitamin C each day.

And I saw a commercial on TV

that said they couldn't open one of these Coors cans.

So...

what's the problem?

[laughing]

Now, Sledge-O-Matic will also teach the dumbest dog to play dead.

It puts the cat out all night.

It keeps the neighbor's kids in their own goddamn yard.

[audience laughing]

And it--

Hey, people, hollow it out, it makes a heck of a pipe.

Right now you're probably asking yourself,

"Where can I get me one of these wonderful--"

Oh, you're not?

[cheering, shouting]

I believe it's gonna break a little bit to the right.

Right now you're probably asking yourself,

"How crazy is that sumbitch?

Where can I get me one of these wonderful things?"

Well, millions paid 9.95.

But I can let you have it for $10, cash money,

two for 25.

If you don't buy one of these from me here tonight,

I'm gonna be out to your house later on for a free home demolition.

And I want you to remember my motto:

"The Avon lady may ring your chime,

but me and this hammer just knock one time."

[audience laughing, cheering]

Yee-haw!

Yee-haw!

It's a bird. It's a plane.

It's Popeil's pocket lariat.

[audience laughing]

So simple, any idiot could operate.

You wanna give it a go?

Well, you know your limitations, don't you?

This is like riding in the back of a pickup truck.

There ain't no way to do it and look cool.

Okay. I invented this. What do you think of this?

[car horn honking]

This is a honker for people that like to honk their horn

but can't afford to drive a car.

Next time you're walking along and somebody gets in your way, butts in line--

[honking]Hey!

[audience laughing, applauding]

I'm walkin' here.

You can stick this on your buggy down at the grocery store

to clear the fat ladies out of the candy isle.

Or if you're just buying a few items,

you're going through that "10 and under" express lane,

somebody ahead of you with a dozen eggs--

[honking]

It's 12 items.

Or maybe you dudes, you see some chick out on the beach.

You just-- "Hey, babe! Hey!"[honking]

Or maybe you girls are downtown late at night,

and you have to get to your car and go down a dark alley.

You're a little afraid. Just run real fast.[honking]

They'll think you're a VW.

Or maybe you're getting phone calls late a night

from a heavy breather, the obscene kind. Right?

Next time you get one-- "Oh, yeah, you'll do what? Try this."

[honks]

Want your ears pierced?[honks]

I like to use it in the bathroom to keep people from opening the door on me.

I just go--[honks]

Can't you see my feet?

[laughing]

I invented this here for people

so they don't bump into doors and walls when they're drunk.

[audience laughing, applauding]

It's a good idea.

I want to talk to you people now just briefly...

about stealing.

Now, I don't mind if you take stuff by accident,

because we all do this.

But it's you people that take stuff you can't use.

Can't take it now.

[audience applauding]

Although I will admit that stealing

is a good way of getting back at people.

You know, you take this teller

down at the drive-in bank I go to.

She was rude to the wrong boy, wasn't she?

The guy in the car behind me didn't like me much either.

He said, "Put the money in what, bitch?"

All right, I'd like to stop for just a moment

and get my microphone correct.

Would anybody like to tell me

any problem they think I'm having with this microphone?

Is there any problem with my microphone?

[woman] The wire.

Is that all? Just the wire, just a cosmetic consideration?

Am I getting sound properly?

[simultaneous chatter, indistinct]

Okay.

How long has this been going on?[man] Since you started.

Yeah, this screw got loose. Now it's okay, ain't it?

How long has it been doing that?

[simultaneous chatter, indistinct]

When did it start? During Sledge-O-Matic?

Fuck.

[audience laughing, applauding]

It unscrewed. It just unscrewed, you know?

It needed a piece of tape on there to keep it from unscrewing.

So let me have a piece of tape

'cause this next part is gonna be fuckin' funny.

[audience laughing, cheering, applauding]

So we had break-up during Sledge-O-Matic

and during all of these things here?[man] Not bad.

Oh, not bad, though?Very little.

Not bad. Look at this guy. He thinks he's dressed okay.

[audience laughing]

You ready?

[man] Do it again.

[audience laughing] Oh!

Whoo!

Are we starting tape again? I guess we were just rolling.

Yeah, I was rolling, too, till I had to stop for this son of a bitch.

All right, let's start from here.

[audience laughing]

"Put the money in what, bitch?"

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience cheering]

You gotta check 'em.

This is a visual aid.

I was thinking the other day,

"What if man is born like the other animals and was endowed with a tail?"

For those of you with no imagination, this is what he'd look like.

Dig it. Now...

if man did have a tail, I wonder, would it be legal

to leave it out or would you have to tuck it in?

And I wonder, would that be about average?

For a white boy, what do you think?

[audience cheering, applauding]

If man did have a tail, they'd probably get into styling it sooner or later,

especially in Hollywood.

This would be the French look.

And, of course, we all know what Jewish people would do.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Do you know why the doctor ties the baby's umbilical cord?

[woman] Why?

So it won't do like that.

[audience laughing]

Do you know how many helicopters it takes to get to Tehran?

[audience laughing]

Neither does the president.

[audience cheering, applauding]

You know--

You know why a Polack can't eat pickles?

He can't get his head in a jar.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Now, I didn't write that joke.

I'm just using that as an example of why--

I can't figure out why the Polacks don't take hostages.

I mean, don't they have enough reason to be pissed at us all these--

jokes all these years?

They're some good jokes, too. I don't use 'em in my show

'cause I think they're in poor taste.

But you know 'em, you know. You know.

You know, the one about the, uh--

why Polish men don't make love

'cause they wait for the swelling to go down.

And, uh, why Polish girls don't use vibrators

'cause it chips their teeth.

And, uh--

And why Polish mothers don't breastfeed their babies

'cause it hurts when they boil their nipples.

You know these.

[laughing, applauding]

You know these jokes, don't you?

What we ought to have is Iranian jokes, right, since they--

[audience] Yeah.

Well, do you know how to circumcise an Iranian?[woman] No.

You can't. There ain't no end to them pricks.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Do you know why a man can lay on his side easier than a woman?

A man has a kickstand.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Do you know what the sign said on the whorehouse door?

"Closed. Beat it."

[audience laughing]

[object snaps]I'm glad you broke it.

What is your name?

You thought you'd get through the whole show without being noticed, didn't you?

What is your name?

I know, it's probably real funny.

What is it?

Leslie Hancock?

[audience laughing]

See, it can't be that bad. What's your name?

Claire.Claire?

That's nice. Claire.

Are you single, Claire?

Yes.You are?

[audience laughing]

You like funny little comedians?

[audience laughing]

Well, here you are. Are you a connoisseur of comedy?

You're not?

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering, applauding]

Would you like to be a connoisseur of comedy?

Well, do you have a boyfriend?

Yes.

You do?

You couldn't decide.

He's not a good boyfriend?

He's all right.He's just all right. See?

If he was good, you'd go, "I got a boyfriend!

He's great!"

You know, they say you can tell

how good a guy is in bed

by how well he moves.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Well, she's got a boyfriend anyway.

You know, girls don't think that men know about... stuff,

but we do.

Like, we know that panty hose

is a secret sexual deterrent.

If a girl don't want nothing to happen, she puts on the panty hose.

Why else do they reinforce the crotch?

[audience laughing, applauding]

Is that gonna get a lot of wear?

It's the knee and the toe that breaks out.

[audience laughing]

Ought to be a double knee and a double toe.

It's hard to watch the television advertising these days

without seeing some kind of a sexual message.

You don't have to be a pervert to see it either.

There's this one-- This woman's sitting up in bed,

and she says proudly, "I'm cleaning my oven."

[audience laughing]

Her hands are under the covers.

And the product is Easy-Off.

[audience laughing, applauding]

[audience cheering]

Then Joe DiMaggio says Mr. Coffee is the best he's ever tasted.

Joe DiMaggio was married to Marilyn Monroe.

Come on, Joe. You have tasted better, boy.

[laughing, applauding]

Am I right?[audience] Yeah.

I wish there was a knob on the TV so you could turn up the intelligence.

They got one marked "brightness," but it don't work, does it?

[audience laughing, applauding]

No, 'cause they ask you real smart questions on TV.

"Do you need a pain reliever that works?"

"Impotence got you down?"

"Is it hard to meet a girl with acne?"

No, I meet 'em all the time.

"Constipation a problem?"

No, I dig it.

[audience laughing]

In fact, if I ain't constipated,

I stick a cork up my butt.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Then they talk about--

On TV they talk about laxative, how gentle.

I don't know about you people. When I want a laxative,

I want a bomb.

Rough me up.

[imitates bomb exploding]

[audience applauding]

Aren't they dumb? Why does a guy--

He just gets his car fixed at AAMCO,

transmission place.

He checks the horn.

Honk, honk! Everything's okay!

[audience laughing, applauding]

They're supposed to be an example for society, and they don't always do--

This girl gets a new watch. She shows it to another girl.

She's-- "Oh, wow, a new watch."

The girl goes, "I was hoping for a Longines."

What a bitch.

[audience laughing, applauding]

New damn watch.

"Here's a dog we fed Alpo dog food.

Here's a dog we didn't feed.

Look how much friskier the Alpo dog is...

than the dead one over here."

"We've stretched this bra between these two Mack trucks

to show you girls that any elastic

that can lift and separate these two big babies...

[audience laughing]

is gonna have no problem with your little pickup."

Well...

it's about time for me to cut out.

[audience] Aww!

As you can see, performing, for me, is a sexual experience.

I'm done before you are, right.

[audience laughing]

But there's always room, and time,

for one last commercial word.

This time I'm speaking...

[audience laughing]

to all of you Spanish-speaking Americans.

Buenos días, Americanos Españoles.

Tomé unapple rojo

yplace-amente on top of elmelone.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Stop me if you've heard it.

Yreach-y me usted por eltool no es elslicer

no es eldicer, no es elchopper in a hopper.

El es que gang?

[audience cheering]

El Bang Bang Grande!

Olé!

[audience cheering, applauding]

Before I go--

Before I go, I'd like to--

[audience cheering, applauding]

I'd like to impart some last few words of wisdom to you

so you don't think my show is just trivial.

I want you to always remember,

never let your mother brush your hair when she's mad at your dad.

[audience laughing, applauding]

If you want to get back at someone you love,

wait till they get in the shower, then flush the toilet.

I want all you parents to remember

that children who have a well-balanced breakfast before school

are the only ones who throw up in gym class.

That dude that said a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

ain't been putting his bird in the right bushes, has he?

But I want all of you lovers to be fair.

Let the other one sleep in the wet spot half the time.

But I want you men to remember

that sex is a Chinese dinner for two.

It ain't over till you both get your cookies.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Right, ladies?

[cheering, applauding continue]

Now,

the ladies also asked me to mention to you guys

that 20 minutes of begging is not considered foreplay.

[audience laughing, applauding]

Style in whatever you do, men. Style.

Remember, it ain't the way you pick your nose.

It's where you put the booger.

This has been more than a thrill for me.

This has been an inconvenience.

I'll see you later. Good night.

[cheering]

[cheering, applauding continue]