Original subtitles

I can't believe we're in Napa.

I'm sorry. It's just...

I feel like I'm meeting God.

Okay, guys.

We've got one day to plan this wedding.

Can you whip up a cake?

On it.

I wanna make an exact cake replica of the cul-de-sac

because that's where your romance started.

So I wanna make little cake houses,

cotton candy bushes. But there is one thing that I will not bend on.

The asphalt is actually going to have to be asphalt.

There are some things that you can't fake in the cake world.

True.

Now, do you think, for one day, you could actually stay out of trouble?

Come on, J-Bird, we're not raccoons.

Then why are you in that wine barrel?

I'm going to roll him down the hill.

Hey, Dime Eyes,

thank you for letting us elope with you.

Well, that's how I like to do my elopements.

Seven people deep.

- Eight. - What?

Hey, June Bug!

Dad!

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, hey.

This isn't as fun as I thought.

My socks suck as potholders.

Still, it's nice of the hotel

to let you use their kitchen to bake the wedding cake.

I may or may not have told them that I'm the new pastry chef.

Just be cool.

By the Wayans brothers,

I cannot believe that tomorrow is your 21st birthday.

So far, every one of my big birthdays has sucked.

Sixteen, I had the chicken pox.

Eighteen, my mom took me to see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Travis, that's so sad.

No, that part was awesome. But on the way out of the theatre,

some 10-year-old poked me in the eye with his wand.

I mean, why do they give those things out? It's so dangerous.

You know, Wade was supposed to be my date to your mom's wedding,

when it was gonna be in four months, but now I'm solo.

What do you say we have like a Trav, Laurie

wedding date/21st birthday blowout?

Deal.

Hey, Magnum, you want to come over here and let me stomp on your grapes?

You want to stomp on my boys?

It's just really hard to think of sexy wine talk.

Yeah, well, then why even try?

Why are you so mopey?

When I said I wanted to elope, just us, I meant, "Just us."

I know. We did it, baby.

Okay, I meant just us two. One, two.

Honey, I thought you meant you just didn't want a big wedding.

Not that you didn't want the gang here. I'm so sorry.

Hey, what if we all stay here for a few days and have fun,

but then they all fly home and we stay and get married by ourselves?

Let me get this straight.

If I make the empty gesture of asking them to go,

when they say "no," you'll still be happy?

Yeah.

This is the best fight ever.

Ding-dong. It's midnight!

Let's go.

What's going on?

- You four, grab him. - What's happening?

Wait, wait, wait. What's going on? I don't like this.

Why is nobody saying anything? Somebody tell me what's happening.

I gotta say, I've tried wine before and not a big fan.

Maybe I could learn to like it.

Of course, I can get a little room for your friends' reception.

Look, Ellie...

Can I call you Ellie?

Ellie's good.

Ellie, I can get you anything you want.

So if you want a group of shaved Brazilian gigolos up in your room,

I will pick them up myself,

I'll bring my razor, I'll shave them down.

You have the most amazing eyes.

Thanks.

That was inappropriate. I'm sorry.

Hey, why are you all flushed?

Don't block my view.

Hi.

Yeah, that guy wants you.

I hope so.

Wait, what's happening?

Hey, Dad.

I need to ask you something.

Sure, June Bug.

Wasn't that glass just empty?

When I got here, I gave the bellhop $20 to fill it up whenever it was empty.

Watch.

Like father, like daughter.

I want to show you how to do something online.

No computers. I don't trust anything without a soul.

That's why I don't do business with German people.

I want you to go online and get ordained as a minister.

Dad, I want you to marry us.

I just love you so much.

And I'm so honoured that you want me to be...

No, no. No crying. See, this is gonna be hard for you.

But you can't cry when you marry us.

Because if you cry then I'm gonna start crying,

and I'll be wearing eye make-up.

And I can't get married looking like Alice Cooper.

And I'm gonna be marrying off my baby.

I know.

See, now I'm Coopering. Is this what you want?

No.

Arturo, go grab me some vanilla.

Damn, girl! You got these people in check.

Arturo and I bonded because we're both really pissed

that management won't let us wear flip-flops in the kitchen.

This is awesome.

And the cake is gonna look great.

You think?

'Cause I'm not great at wedding cakes.

Don't be modest, Laurie.

You're the best fake pastry chef this hotel's ever had.

Thank you. Here, try this.

No! What are we doing?

What?

How do we always end up flirting with each other?

We're not flirting. This is not how I flirt. I'm much more subtle...

- Really? - ...when I flirt, yeah.

I follow girls to classes, memorise their schedules,

so I can show up right when they get there.

Good God, I'm a stalker.

I'm not trying to flirt with you. It just...

I don't know. It happens.

Well, maybe it's fate.

I mean, we're here at a wedding,

on my 21st birthday, just you and me,

and Arturo.

Your boyfriend couldn't make it. My girlfriend doesn't exist.

What if this is exactly how it's supposed to happen?

Laurie!

Wade.

You guys ready for another four bottles?

Fat chance.

Wait, we're finished?

No, I want more. That's why I said, "Fat chance."

If I didn't want more wine, I would have said, "Slim chance."

Okay, let's go.

But fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

That's ridiculous. "Fat" and "slim" are opposite.

Okay, can we all agree that from now on, fat chance means "definitely"?

Change approved.

You can't just change the meaning of phrases.

I just did.

Okay, I know what's gonna cheer you up.

Grayson thought that it was just gonna be the two of us eloping.

Even though I know your answer,

how would you feel if we all hung out for a few days,

and then you guys left

and Grayson and I could get married alone?

- Love it. - Yeah.

That's fantastic.

Just what Grayson wanted.

Even though our pictures will have no one in them.

And my memories will feel empty.

Jules, we're just messing with you.

Why?

Look, I know marrying you means marrying everyone. So...

Will you marry me?

Before anyone answers,

council.

Okay.

All right, just a couple of conditions.

Andy and Bobby want you to finance their short film.

It's called Bromancing the Stone.

Also, in Jules' kitchen, you're never allowed to sit in my chair.

Even if I'm not there.

Yes to everyone, but Ellie.

Where are we all going on our honeymoon?

- That's not funny. - I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I never thought I'd get my dream wedding.

Honey, you've been so great to me.

I wish there was something special I could do for you.

Maybe on our wedding night, we can finally have robe sex.

Why does that turn you on so much?

Because it's like we're monks, doing something forbidden.

I will sex you

There's gotta be something I can do to make it more special?

I wish my daughter could be here to see us get married.

I can make that happen.

Sure, Jules, yeah, it's totally fine with me

for Tampa/Jill to fly to Napa.

But thanks to a super-soaker full of margaritas

and an air marshal with, like, zero sense of humour,

I am currently on the No-Fly List.

All right, minor skank setback, but I will still make this happen.

I can't believe that we're finally together, face-to-face.

You know why you're so amaze-balls?

Why?

You're so naked.

And I don't mean, like, "naked" naked. You're just so emotionally honest.

I mean, but don't get me wrong,

the "naked" naked stuff was real good, too.

It was like you hadn't had sex in 10 years.

And, you know, I've been with some ex-cons, so I know.

Yeah, we were actually pretty loud last night.

I mean, I feel really bad for whoever's in the room next to us.

Oh, my God.

That would be me. Good old room 207.

I'm sorry. I know what it's like to be sure someone's meant for you,

and yet, you can't be with them.

Hi.

How's that wedding ring feel?

Like handcuffs.

Thank you.

Sorry.

What's wrong, Chick?

I keep practising for June Bug's ceremony

and I can't get two sentences deep without squirting out tears.

You fellas help?

Fat chance.

Thank you, son.

What just happened?

We all got beer guys.

Get in the game, man.

Okay, Chick, we just need to figure out what'll keep you from crying.

Well, I'd never cry in front of my horse. Once you do that, they own you.

You know how I keep from crying? I have two little secrets.

My nuts.

Peace out, sir.

Look, if you lock on another man's eyes, there's no way you're gonna cry.

Watch.

Love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

Love is what brings two people together...

Andy, you try.

I know I can't do it.

Tom, please say you're on the plane.

Sorry, Jules. They won't let me fly with a baby that's not mine.

- Bend over. - Okay.

All right, can you get... Here you go. Hold on, stand up, stand up.

Cleavage alert.

Stop staring, these aren't for you.

I need the concierge to break some laws to get Grayson's kid here.

And since he's obviously got a thing for your wife,

I'm gonna use Ellie to close the deal.

I like this lipstick colour, but do you think it's wet enough for him?

Lick your lips.

I'm not comfortable with this.

Do you think I want to go do this with Daniel?

His name's Daniel.

- I love that name. - Daniel. Really?

Damn it, Andy, I need this.

So if Ellie has to get dolled up or flirt or make out a little,

what's the big deal?

Make out? We don't make out.

It feels like you don't want Jules to be happy.

It's not cool, man.

Not cool.

You're not wearing underwear. Come on!

So you want me to kidnap a baby?

- Yes. - No.

No.

What we want you to do

is to sneak a baby that isn't mine onto a plane.

It's more like kid borrowing.

Well, I could get my hands on a really great local baby.

No.

Imported baby it is. I'm on it.

Listen, Daniel, you get us what we need,

and we will get you exactly what you need.

Okay.

Stop it.

I don't want to stop it.

Tommy, I need another one.

I'm sorry, ladies. I tried.

Write to me!

Grayson, I'm so sorry, I can't get Tampa/Jill here for the wedding.

Thanks for trying.

Wade's here.

Is the war over?

No, sweetie.

I pulled some strings.

I knew your wedding wouldn't be as special for Laurie

unless I was here to share it with her.

That's so sweet.

- I can't do this. - What?

We have a wedding planned in a few months.

Your daughter can be there.

Guys.

The wedding's off.

- What? - Good. I never liked him.

Still marrying him, Dad, just a little bit later.

Laurie,

you said you wanted naked.

Hey. Hey, hey. Harvey Keitel, over here. That's right.

Laurie.

I'm so crazy about you,

but you just keep ignoring it like it's not real.

Mom, guess what, I like wine now. Happy?

Mixed feelings.

I know postponing the wedding's been tough on you,

but thanks for looking out for me.

Always.

Man, I wish I had a fiancé.

See you, G-Spot.

So, J-Bird,

how're you holding up with last night's non-nuptials?

I guess I am a little disappointed

because last night was supposed to be my honeymoon.

But instead, we spent the night taking care of this dummy.

I can't believe our boy is 21.

He does look so old now.

It might just be that moustache I drew on him.

That's classic.

We gotta get to the airport.

How did I get here?

Mostly luggage carts.

This is the best part.

This is when he remembers what he did.

No!

This is so embarrassing.

I'm gonna have to hide from Laurie forever.

It's okay, T-Man.

Every great love story starts out

with a man embarrassing the crap out of himself.

Your father's correct.

Right, babe?

Sorry, I was texting Daniel.

Jules, honestly, is this cheating?

Let me see.

Yes!

This is not okay.

Trav, these big, mortifying moments, they make an impression.

Trust me, okay? You're going to find yourself someplace

and she won't be able to stop looking at you.

Jules did it to me.

Remember? When we first met, and you flashed that paperboy

and then he crashed his bike into this car.

After that, I could not stop thinking about her.

You're Coopering.

Why is she Coopering?

Why does talking about us falling in love make me so sad?

Come here.

Before Napa, I was really excited about our big wedding.

I'd invited everyone I know,

even my pool guy.

- Ernie? - I have no idea.

But then we decided to elope, and I felt like I was having a stroke.

One of those happy strokes.

There are no such things as happy strokes.

Well, then what did Kirk Douglas have?

A stroke.

Anyway,

I'm not even looking forward to the big wedding any more.

This big wedding, the one that the pool guy's going to,

am I invited?

- That's awkward. - Very, very awkward.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little edgy. I was up all night,

watching videos that my dead husband made of his former lovers.

Here's something fun.

There are a few dudes in there.

- That's rough. - That's a tough one, yeah.

Look, I think the reason why you guys were so excited about eloping

is that both of you have a tendency to sort of be set in your ways.

I think that's why it's important that you guys are spontaneous.

That'll add excitement to your life.

If you do that, I promise, this marriage can work.

A hand-written wedding invitation? I would love to.

Do you promise to do what Lynn said? To always be spontaneous?

Of course.

It's so pretty here.

It sucks that this stupid town won't allow beach weddings.

You sure you still want to do this?

Hell yeah.

All clear!

Go, go, go, go.

Dad, it's time!

Okay, okay.

That's a good baby, you wait right there.

Hit it, Dad.

To me, love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

Love is what brings two people together.

I'm sorry.

I know. Me, too.

Life is not worth living unless you find someone to share it with...

Cops! About 100 yards back.

Okay, you all know the drill. Let's take this on the move.

Can we get the rings, please?

Stan!

Back to nanny, Stan.

Do you, Grayson, take my daughter, Jules,

to be your wife, and to take care of, or I'll kick your ass?

I do.

And June Bug,

you've never looked more beautiful.

You really want this fella to be your husband, don't you?

I really do, Dad.

Use your horse, Chick.

Then I now pronounce you man and wife.

Now let's all just stop walking

and watch this young man kiss his bride.

All right, what the hell's going on here?

You guys, go, go. Come on.

Guys, a little help?

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Hold on. I'm not great at driving these things.

What are you doing, hon?

Daniel's having trouble sleeping.

Will you take a quick pic?

This is seriously not okay!

Andy, the man can't sleep. He's got a parole hearing at 6:00.

Would you at least cc me on that?

Maybe. I'll ask Daniel if it's okay.