Original subtitles

Remember last year's Fourth of July barbecue?

There's Bobby lighting fireworks.

There's Bobby on fire.

There's you laughing at Bobby on fire.

I love that picture of me.

These pictures skip from Labour Day to New Year's.

How did we miss Thanksgiving?

Remember, our schedules got all mixed up?

We all went away, and none of us really knew when we were coming back.

Guess what? Tomorrow we celebrate Thanksgiving.

Or we celebrate Thanksgiving in the fall.

What if we're not around next fall?

What if a new group comes in and replaces us?

Everybody's gonna be like, "What happened to the Cul-De-Sac Crew?

"I miss them.

"Who are these new people? They're not so good."

No.

Okay, guys, I have an announcement.

And no, Andy, for the last time,

we're not having duelling slumber parties.

Damn! I'm never gonna get to do a panty raid.

Dream bigger, dude.

Look, Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday

because I get to tell the people I love how much I appreciate them.

Since we missed last year,

I've decided that tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

As long as we're making things up, I won't be able to attend.

I'm driving to Georgia to adopt a baby unicorn.

I don't wanna celebrate Fakesgiving.

We're not calling it that.

Everyone's calling it that.

Yeah, besides, Jules, I have to work tomorrow.

Thanksgiving is always on Thursday.

You should probably take Friday off, too.

Lot of fake shopping sales.

Sorry, J-Bird, tomorrow's Nickel Taco at Nickel's Tacos.

Not to be confused with Nickel Taco, which sells tacos every day for a nickel.

But they're just not as good.

Listen, hillbilly, you and everyone else here are coming to Jules' Thanksgiving.

You might be brave enough to say no to her,

are you brave enough to say no to me?

Go ahead and say something, jelly. I dare you.

Damn, Torres.

If you were a dude, I'd be super turned on right now.

I would wear you out.

Nanny text. I wonder what Stan did now.

Your son tagged my garage?

- That's some good handwriting. - Right?

Relax. I buy him washable paint.

Why would you buy him any paint?

The kid's totally out of control.

Please! Kids get into trouble.

That's what they do.

He has so much spirit.

She makes excuses for Stan when she should be punishing him.

Tell her, she's being a bad mom.

No, no, no, you do not wanna go there.

Telling a woman she's a bad mom

is, like, the most offensive thing you can say to her.

I was at the zoo in 1994.

I gave Travis two ice cream cones.

Then this woman from Omaha decides to make a comment about it.

Next thing you know, I'm getting escorted out of the park

with a chunk of hair in my hand.

Hey, I heard you guys are having a Fakesgiving.

No one's calling it that.

Everyone is.

Well, you are welcome to join us.

Thanks, but I'm scheduled to perform aneurysm surgery.

If you don't catch it quick...

For a brain surgeon, that guy drinks a lot of beer

when he's not brain-surgeoning.

Hey, I've set my clock to count down to our wedding.

We only have four months left.

Be more insane.

And guess who is crushing it at writing her vows?

I want my vows to be just crazy romantic.

All Bobby said was, "You're awesome. Nice hoots."

And then he motor-boated me.

You better bring your "A" game

because my vows are so good, they'll blow you away.

You haven't written your vows, have you?

Not a word, but Grayson needs all the time he can get.

You know, he's not great at expressing his feelings.

This box shows more feelings than he does. Look.

This box is sad.

How did Stan even get down here?

Oh, no. He was asking me a lot of questions about the bus schedule.

Ladies.

Well, if it isn't my competition for this year's mayoral race.

You're really running for mayor?

It's no big deal. It took five minutes to sign up,

and 19 years in the business world to prepare. Excuse me.

I'll see you at the pizza toss, chump.

See you at the what-what?

Some dumb publicity stunt at an Italian restaurant.

They get all the candidates to gather

and they toss pizzas for the photographers.

Oh, my God, Andy.

You have to toss the crap out of that pizza.

One bad photo op can ruin a campaign.

Look. When we hear stuff about taxes and schools, we just tune out.

All we ever remember about candidates is who traded sex for crystal meth,

who shot and ate a dolphin

and who looked like a moron with pizza dough on his face.

Come on.

I forgot to wash the gravy boat out from last year.

No worries. It's easier to peel off when it hardens anyway.

Wow, that is both disgusting and awesome all at the same time.

So what did Ellie want?

Come on. That whole getting in our faces, yelling at us to support you.

That's a classic butter-up.

What are you talking about?

It's when you do something for someone,

when you want that someone to do something for you.

I did it when we were married all the time.

Remember when I wanted that pool?

I told you I'd never cheat on you again and how much I loved you,

and I gave you foot rubs and what not.

Then, I asked you for a pool, and, bam! I got a pool.

And two months later, you banged the pool guy's wife in it,

and I learned the meaning of irony.

You're welcome.

Ellie's my friend.

There's no strings attached. She just wants me to be happy.

Big Carl.

Don't ever leave me, buddy.

You talk to him a lot?

Only after you go to bed.

Hey, slick. How you coming with those vows?

Here's a little bit.

For better or worse

For the rest of my life

Till death do us part

Gonna make you my wife

'Cause you're made for me

It's a good start. Whatever.

You know what would make tomorrow extra special?

If Grayson got to hear your vows at dinner.

What?

I showed you mine, you show me yours. Classic schoolyard rules, huh?

I can't wait to say them.

Why would you do that?

For fun.

I can't believe you brought that box home.

God, writing vows is really hard.

It's terrible.

Grayson, there are so many great things about you.

For instance, I've never seen you hit a child.

Wow. All right. I'd help you with this romantic stuff,

but this here, jet-black cave full of bats.

You'll figure it out, sweetie.

Can I ask you a little favour?

I was wondering, do you think Stan can be the ring bearer at your wedding?

It would mean so much to me to have him there.

Plus, he'd look so cute in his little tux.

He would.

Hey, E-Biscuit, Stan's outside trying to lasso a puppy.

He is getting good with that extension cord. He's an athlete.

Go ahead.

That bitch just buttered me up!

Hey, y'all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Fakesgiving.

Shush it.

Okay, Laurie, I have to ask you, because you just never know,

is that a costume or a real outfit?

It's a costume. Did you guys really think this was my outfit?

Besides Thanksgiving, I also missed Halloween last year

because I was getting that tattoo removed from my upper left drumstick.

And then on Christmas, I passed out on the booze-cruise.

It turned out to be a cruise-cruise, and I woke up in Belize.

So, today, I'm gonna represent all three holidays that I missed.

Happy Thanks-mas-ween, everyone.

Well done.

You took something completely absurd and multiplied it by three.

Okay, I've made a list of jobs for everyone.

Bobby, your job is to do exactly what you normally do on Thanksgiving.

Drink beer and watch football?

Don't let me down.

Grayson, Andy, you go buy the centrepiece.

Go.

Okay, Ms Krazy Kakes, you're gonna bake pies.

And, Travis, you're going to write my wedding vows.

What?

You got me into this mess. And besides, you're so creative.

That's why I work so hard to pay your way through college.

Quality guilt trip.

I'll see what I can do.

Now, Ellie, Stan can be the ring bearer if he can prove he can do it.

How?

I'll think of something.

Thinking equals drinking.

Sure, sure. Sorry.

There's no football on this time of year,

so I got a tape of a game from 1949 that I've never seen.

Working on Mom's wedding vows.

You didn't exactly inherit the romantic gene from your pops.

I heard about your wedding vows,

and I don't think Mom wants to motorboat Grayson.

Hey, the crowd loved it.

Well, if you're so good at it,

why don't you say something romantic to that beer?

Beer, other drinks might get me drunk,

but only you intoxicate me.

I wish I felt that way about anything.

Is that quarterback smoking?

Back then football was hardcore.

Where are the hot, black guys?

I'm so glad I'm wasting my time doing this

instead of learning how to toss a pizza in five hours.

Dude, tossing 'za is easy.

When Vivian left me, I watched a lot of "how-to" videos.

I can also tile a bathroom, make soap, stone-wash my own jeans,

and I can squeeze a pressure point on your hand

that will make your whole body relax.

Great, because I am freaked out.

Good God, that's amazing.

Wow, it's like my legs are just gone.

Say hello to the Gauntlet.

If Stan can walk down this aisle without getting distracted,

he can be the ring bearer.

My boy is gonna crush this.

The only way Devil Baby is gonna be in our wedding,

is if we Hannibal Lecter him to a dolly.

I don't want him there raising hell either.

I rigged this so he cannot win.

For Stan, this is a walk of temptation.

I got a table full of markers,

a hammer next to a jar of shells,

and I borrowed the Flanagans' puppy.

Is the puppy a distraction because he wants to play with it or...

Who cares?

Stan, come to Mommy.

Permanent markers.

Stan, focus on me. You, me. Come on.

Stan, there's a hammer. Go nuts. Smash anything you want!

Don't listen to her.

Ignore her. She's a witch.

He's gonna make it!

Not if I can help it. Rice!

There you go, yeah. Go for the eyes!

I am!

Ignore it. Good job!

He's gonna be your ring bearer!

So, guys, I really appreciate you helping me with these wedding vows.

How about something along the lines of,

"I cannot wait to share one life, one home, one consciousness."

Stinks.

Vows need to be heartfelt, Trav.

Like, "Grayson,

"you're so hot that

"I don't have to pretend that you're Matt Damon when we do it.

"I just pretend that he's watching."

I got it.

"Grayson, you are mountain-brewed with the choicest of hops."

Can one of you say something that's not about beer

and not about having sex with Matt Damon?

Pilsner.

You guys are both less than zero help.

Okay, I just mashed together a bunch of Stan's Play-Doh

'cause the consistency is like pizza.

Wash your hands after this.

Some of that might've been in Stan's butt.

Noted.

Tossing is all about confidence.

There is no pizza. It's just you.

Give her a whirl.

Here we go.

You know, I'm not built for this.

My hands are like five D batteries taped to a bagel.

No, no, no. Look, look, you're fine. Just stop being a wuss. You got this.

And I'm never gonna get to be the mayor.

Why is everybody so down?

Bobby, you're not even watching your old football game.

Those damn leather helmets, man. I mean, a guy got hit and never got up.

I saw a man die.

All right. I know what will cheer everyone up.

Let's drink a bunch of wine.

Yeah, all right.

Hand me the glass.

No!

Overreaction in three, two, one...

Your son just killed one of my best friends!

- Called it. - Called it.

It's not that big a deal. I'll buy you a new one.

Damn it, Ellie. Discipline your son.

That's him being out of control, and it's your fault for being a bad mom.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

Wow! Okay. Take backs?

Screw you, and I'm out of here.

This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

Well, that's because it's not Thanksgiving.

Shut your pie-hole.

Great news, my patient died! And I brought wine!

Those are all for you?

This is how much Big Carl used to hold.

That's not the same.

I said the meanest thing to Ellie.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You're kind, you're sweet, you've got a tush I can set my watch to.

It was weird, but...

I need to apologise to Ellie, and I want you to come with me.

Score.

Dad, I thought you could use a cold one.

Laurie, I didn't know what to get you so here's $46.

This feels like $43.

I'm smelling a butter-up.

I'm sorry I blew up about the vows. Please come back and help.

Successfully buttered.

I was right. This is $43.

It's a weird, scary talent.

You know, they say the saddest holidays are the ones spent alone.

But alone on a fake holiday? That seems worse.

You are going to miss that pizza toss. Don't you want to be mayor?

God, why do you care about this so much?

You and I gotta be a team now.

Jules and Ellie, they're already a team.

If we don't have each other's backs, they're just gonna keep bulldozing us

into doing a bunch of stuff that we don't want to do.

Today it was a fake holiday.

What's it gonna be tomorrow?

They'll make us get Italian food when we want Chinese.

Well, that'll be okay, I'll get a nice gnocchi.

No! You want Chinese food.

I do want Chinese food.

What do you say? Are we a team?

I will stand with you.

Great, now let's go sling some dough.

- Please don't hold my hand. - Sorry.

Thanks for coming with me.

Sure. But why am I here?

Well, I want Ellie to use up her mad on you.

Look, Tom's here.

With muddy shoes!

Hey.

That's all, buddy.

Am I really a bad mom?

Sweetie.

No shoes in the house.

Yeah.

Now I'm 3-feet tall.

I like that box's concept, but it's like a burp coffin in there.

We've been at this for an hour.

We've got nothing.

I'm hungry.

Let's go to Ellie and Andy's. People with kids have the best snacks.

Except for foster parents. "Toothpaste sandwiches, y'all."

Plus side, I have literally never had a cavity.

True story. Come on.

Honey, I'm so sorry for what I said.

I just, I freaked. You know how much I loved Big Carl.

He was always there for me, never judging me.

Just the thought of him makes me smile.

Laurie, are you getting this down?

Hell, yeah, I am.

Welcome to the Gulf Haven mayoral pizza toss.

Candidates. Candidate.

Hi, everybody.

I'm Andy Torres and I'm running for mayor.

Shut up, baldy! Toss the dough!

Toss it!

There is no pizza!

The "snow-peas bra"?

There is no pizza. There's just you.

Okay.

Ready? Go ahead.

Your move, Mayor.

So you don't really think I'm a bad mom?

I mean, you're not the worst...

But you know why I ignore all the crap that Stan does?

It's not 'cause I think it's funny.

I ignore it just 'cause I don't want to admit my kid is a nightmare.

All right. Here's how this is gonna go down.

I'm gonna help you be strict with Stan.

- He's gonna hate me. - For, like, a minute.

And you're gonna forget most of the bad times, anyway.

Although it is hard to forget that phase that Travis screamed

every time he saw an ethnic person.

My mom still does that.

This is gonna suck for a while, it will.

But I promise you, by the time Stan is nine,

he's gonna be sleeping in your bed every night.

That might just be Travis and me.

We had a sleepover last Tuesday.

Cute.

I'm not gonna have another kid.

And before I know it, Stan's gonna be a grown-up.

And you and every other mom I know

always talk about those memories where their kid does something so cute

that everyone says... It's not fair.

I'm never gonna have one of those moments.

Well, if you don't believe you will, then I'll believe for you.

Thank you. The bats are smiling.

Okay, first I'd like to congratulate Andy,

and thank him and Grayson for the very creative centrepiece.

It's a watermelon spray-painted orange.

I think you owe me some vows.

Hand me the notepad.

"Grayson, you're always there for me. Never judging me.

"Just the thought of you can make me smile."

These are perfect.

"I love that I can fit an entire bottle of wine in you and carry you around."

We should have changed some stuff.

You think?

Most of it was very nice.

All right. Let's hold hands.

What I love most about Thanksgiving, even in the spring,

is that I get to be around all the people that I love.

Could I say something?

Hey, I forgot you were here.

I just want you to know I'm so happy you let me be part of your group.

- Well... - No, no, let him have it.

Thank you all for being my friends.

- Let's eat. - Okay.

Hey, where's the turkey?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Oh, my gosh!

How'd you get him to do that?

I promised him four cans of spray paint.

You should park in the garage for the next couple weeks.

- You want to start? All right. - Yes, yeah.

- Your dad's gonna... - Who needs wine?

Right here.

We're all here to pay our respects to Big Carl.

I remember when I first met Big Carl. He was the base of a lamp.

I'll see you at the crossroads, homey.

Oh, no, not this again.

With endings come new beginnings.

Everyone, say hello to Big Lou.

- Hi there. - Oh, yeah.

Rest in peace, Big Carl.

We'll always remember the good times.

Big Carl.