Original subtitles

Are you guys gonna help or are you just gonna watch me struggle?

- Watch you struggle. - The second one.

But still, it's cute seeing you as a dad.

Really?

Totally. But sometimes I do feel a little, well, what is it?

You're not crazy about the ditzy, trashy, fake blonde, fake tan,

fake boob, club skank you one-night-stand-ed to make that baby.

She says it better.

That is not true, Jill.

Your mommy and I had a one-afternoon stand.

Jill? I thought her name was Tampa.

Yeah, her mom named her Tampa, but she let me pick the middle name,

so from now on, we're calling her Jill.

I'm gonna stick with Tampa 'cause you hate it so much.

Ditto. What the hell? I need a corkscrew.

I baby-proofed the house, because Jill...

- Tampa. - Jill will be staying here a lot.

Well, are you gonna help me or just watch me struggle?

- The second one. - Mother of God! I gotta drink!

Are these pictures of you and Bobby from an old hunting trip?

They're our wedding photos. We drove down the aisle in an ATV.

When I get married, I hope I'm just as pregnant as you.

Did your photographer suck or do you know a lot of people without heads?

That's Bobby's uncle.

He was really sweet, but when we opened our photographs,

there were, like, nine pictures of his penis.

He's actually in jail now.

So this time, we're gonna use a professional.

Hey, hey, hey.

You guys notice anything?

The helmet's gone!

You had a helmet?

God, I really thought that would be a bigger deal.

Wedding photographers, huh?

You guys wanna see some real photography?

You know we would.

I'll get my portfolio.

- Run! - Run!

Hey, freeze! Now you smile and drink your wine.

Found a little piece of glass.

This sangria reminds me of when I went to Pamplona

to photograph the Running of the Bulls.

This guy I was shacking up with, Miguel, ran it with me.

- Was he handsome? - No, really short legs.

Poor little fella was tossed into a second story window.

Never saw him again.

Yes, they love each other!

We are gonna hang out all the time!

Hey, buddy, I'm gonna kiss the top of your head.

Get used to it.

These idiots are a six-pack short of running away together.

He's mine.

Make-out party.

Let's do this.

There's so much beauty in photography.

I just wanted to take that notion and turn it on its head.

So the theme of my work is, "Taking the beauty out of beauty."

You really cannot see the beauty.

Thank you.

No!

Well, I'm sure that deer was very graceful when it had skin.

Okay, I love this.

I am gonna put this on my wall.

You're actually holding it wrong. It's a severed toe.

Well, it's the best picture of a severed toe that I have ever seen.

Yeah. I can't stop looking at it.

I almost barfed.

Well, luckily, I can control my gag reflex.

- Nothing? - I don't swing at softballs.

But Trav's photos weren't that bad.

Truth gun! What do you really think?

It was like looking into an open wound.

Especially the photo of the open wound.

But my mom philosophy is simple.

Always support your child, no matter what.

Well. Finally got that broken drawer open.

I had to pry it loose so I can baby-proof it shut.

That drawer has been jammed shut for, like, 15 years.

Check it out. It's like a time capsule.

Koosh ball, "Bo Knows" T-shirt.

Those old pore strips. Remember those things? Go over your nose.

I'm gonna take them.

Hey! Look at the cute little elephant named Bob Dole.

My old Fleetwood Mac cassette.

You know, Fleetwood Mac married Stevie Nicks.

- I don't think so. - Well, it's true.

What is this? It looks like a smoke detector from a disco.

That is a Simon.

Sorry, jellybean, it's for ages eight and up. Not for you.

No. Bobby can't see these. I need some matches.

Damn it!

Talk about lucky!

Walking in right as Jules was about to burn my old Zubaz!

Got your great pants, a great girl,

we had our first make-out party last night.

We should celebrate.

- Yeah. How about a double bell kick? - All right.

You know, after Jules,

I didn't think I'd ever be able to commit to someone again.

But I'm finally feeling like I'm ready for something real.

I'm glad, buddy.

I'm not gonna do anything to mess things with Angie up.

She might.

Damn you to hell!

Am I tired or is it my sexy new belly chain?

I love my '90s drawer.

Me, too. These things were a huge part of my face regimen

back when I used to male model.

First, soap and water. Duh. Second, mud mask,

third, wait, no toner.

No, you don't want to dry the instrument.

Then I have these things to bring me home.

Lady Belly Chain, Lord Nose Strip.

Well, let me just say, you're an amazing mother...

- Wasn't done. - Who's stopping you?

Okay. You know I want to be a photographer,

and I would love to know that my first professional gig was for you,

so I was thinking that I could take the pictures at your wedding.

Wow!

Well?

What am I gonna say, "No"?

Cool! Look, I know it's a big deal for you,

so I want you to be able to think about it.

Take your time. I'll check back.

- Well played. - Shut up.

That's just...

What? Come on. You're not even going to let me see it? That's the best part.

It's weird. I have dishes in my sink, and you have chicken bones, tissues,

a pair of broken sunglasses and diapers.

Grayson baby-proofed my trash can.

I have a house full of things that I can't open, including my toilet.

Ellie, I had to tee-tee in the yard.

Why wouldn't you just go in the shower?

Gross.

Between this and Travis' wedding photo stuff, I'm going crazy.

If it helps, Grayson said he's fine with Travis doing it,

'cause he already has great wedding pictures.

You have a picture up from your first wedding?

You told me it was from a building dedication.

I sometimes lie about things.

This is going in my sink.

Look, this is probably the last time that I'll have a chance

to have great wedding photos.

- Probably? - But I won't get them

if Travis is spraying down my bridal party with dog blood.

Too bad you think a mom should always support her kid 100%,

no matter what, direct quote.

Burned by my own stupid mom philosophy.

You know, as a parent...

As a parent? You just found out you were a dad 48 hours ago.

Yeah, calm down, Day Two.

Now, as a parent of several years, what I think...

I'll let you finish that thought

if you can tell me where your child is right now.

I'm out.

I know that Travis' work is a little horrifying, but he does have talent.

I mean, I think. Maybe. I don't know. I need to find out if he can do it.

Is this from your honeymoon?

That is me and my cousin.

Sink.

What the fudge nuts were you doing macking with that dude?

I know you're upset... Stomping on my foot?

That was me. How could you do this to us?

We've only been dating a few weeks.

You never said that you wanted to be exclusive.

Yes I did! Every time I kissed you, my lips were saying,

"Angie, I want to be exclusive."

Why do your lips need your fingers to make them talk?

I don't know.

Okay, you need to stop.

I'm very hot.

Why don't you take five?

I thought we had something special. I was wrong. We're through.

I'd be storming out right now if I hadn't just ordered a cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger.

Hey, jellybean. I'm glad you're here.

Of course you are. Because I'm awesome.

Please try Simon. I want to see if a jellybean can do it.

Jules told me never to ask, but why do you call me "jellybean"?

Well, JB, when Jules first hired you, I thought you were so simple-minded

she could convince you that jellybeans

were more valuable than gold,

and subsequently pay you in jellybeans.

This concept was eventually shortened into your nickname "jellybean."

Not as dumb as you think.

We'll see. Simon, get her.

I'm not gonna play your stupid game, Ellie.

Wait...

Wait for it.

Damn it!

This sucks.

Now I know exactly how you felt when I cheated on you all those times.

It feels a little different.

I mean, she's been your girlfriend for two weeks

and she kissed a dude,

and, well, we were married and you banged 1,000 waitresses.

Is it the waitress part that makes it different?

Sure, why not?

Man, I never wanna see Angie's face again.

How strict are you on the whole "never" thing?

So why did you want to talk to me?

What? You asked her to come here?

She's Trav's teacher and I need to know, is he talented?

- Well... - Liar!

Bobby...

No, no, no, this hand does not get to touch this knee any more.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass on the hand, too, because, well, nothing personal,

it's just that we haven't been friends for that long.

Look, Trav is super talented.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Could he take great wedding photos? - Totally.

- So this could be his career? - Absolutely.

My boy is gonna be happy doing something he loves!

No, he's not gonna be happy.

There's, like, four photographers in the whole world

who actually make a living at this.

Why do you think I took a teaching job? And even that's not enough.

I still have to cash my dead cousin's social security checks.

Sweet! Is this anyone's nickel?

Wow.

I told you she was a bitch.

Why do I suck at this?

It's not your fault. When you were a foetus, your mom existed

on funnel cakes and motorcycle fumes.

Consider it a victory you don't have a tail.

Stop talking to me. I need to focus.

Look, something shiny.

Shut up, Simon! I'm not dumb!

Sounds like Simon disagrees.

- Hey. - Angie, how'd you get in here?

Your door is held shut with suspenders.

When I came in, I found a bum making a sandwich.

That's just Gary. Or Dennis.

Did he have a beard? Or a huge beard?

I don't know, I was screaming.

That sounds like Gary.

Be honest. Now, you knew how crazy I was about you,

but you went ahead and kissed that guy anyway, now, didn't you?

Yeah.

You're gonna have to go now.

I'm naked under here.

Let's do this.

Why does Travis even want to be a photographer?

I wanted him to be one of those scientists

that invents stem cells so I can live forever.

I really don't wanna die.

Good luck with that. Forty more years, tops.

Did you hear her? That's not enough time.

It's okay, sweetie.

Thought I'd start taking pics now. I even got a few of you napping.

Grayson, didn't know you were the little spoon.

It makes me feel safe.

It's just I cannot stand the thought of him having a crappy life.

I mean, why couldn't he be a drug dealer? At least they have cool cars.

- I've found that with Jill... - Tampa!

Stop it. I've found that parenting is more about honesty.

I warned you, Day Two.

You know what sucks about Travis' bleak future?

There is no chance now he'll pursue anything but photography,

now that his mom has given him his first, big, supportive push.

Honey, I've been thinking.

I don't want you to have to work at my wedding.

I want you to have fun!

So you don't want me to take your pictures?

It's not that I don't think you'd be good, because...

It's fine. I mean, it's your wedding.

I've found that with kids...

Nothing.

Damn it, Day Two, just open it for me!

I'll open it if you stop calling me Day Two.

Then we're at an impasse.

Hey, sweetie, you want a finger full of yogurt?

Sure.

There, that fixes everything.

Wow. He's really angry with us.

- "Us"? - Yeah.

You told him that it was my decision, didn't you?

And he's still mad at me! That's crazy.

You know whose fault this really is?

- Yours? - Stop it, we're off that.

No, it's Angie's.

She's the one who pushed him into having a career in photography.

Almost makes sense.

I'm gonna call her.

Did you Photoshop my face in this picture?

- Yep. - I like it.

Hey, Andy.

Dude, I just passed Angie. Who looked recently made love to.

Yeah, yeah!

But what are you doing?

So she found your weak spot?

If that means my ding-dong, then yeah.

Maybe I'm not the kind of guy

who gets to have a real relationship, you know?

You're wrong. Don't settle for less than you deserve.

Hey, hey, we're busy here, Gary.

That might've been Dennis.

This is impossible!

Really?

- Eyes shut... - Well...

Broke my personal record. Victory sip.

Done. Don't be sad. I hear they're coming out with a jellybean version.

It's just one big button.

Usually, I don't mind taking your crap.

You call me a slut, I say it's a lifestyle choice.

You say I'm uncouth, no biggie, I don't know what that means.

And you're always calling me dumb,

but I never really thought you meant it.

Do you really think I'm dumb?

It would be easier to just say no.

You can do it. Just squeeze and pull.

I did it! Wow. Here.

Did you really ask me over here just to show you how to open a cabinet?

No, but that's totally something I would do.

No. I'm mad at you.

Why would you push Travis into a career

that ends with him being broke like his dad,

living on a boat and having his heart broken by some cheating skank?

Bobby and I are back together.

I've always liked you.

Thank you. Look, I know that you've been worrying about Travis,

so I brought you something that he left in the darkroom.

Wow.

It smells like dead animals in here.

I gotta empty the trash sink.

Look, Trav chose this path because he loves it.

There's nothing anyone can say that's gonna stop him.

So all you can do is decide if you're going to be there for him

along the way.

Laurie, do this math problem.

- Is that right? - I don't know. I can't do math.

I can do basic math. Like, if the nanny breaks a glass,

that's minus $7 from her paycheck.

Everyone has something that makes them feel dumb.

For Jules, it's the baby-proofing. Bobby, it's the English language.

Grayson...

A beer, two martinis, and some wings.

Got it. Hold on. What?

That guy owns a bar and can't remember an order.

I don't think you're dumb.

I just think you have a blind spot for Simon.

Simon and airport baggage carousels.

Everyone else just takes their luggage so easy,

I end up running laps.

Well, you have to wait for it.

So nobody ordered mozzarella sticks? Really?

Hey!

So remember that fantasy you talked about?

That's hot.

Now, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Is there even a chance that you and I can turn into something real?

Not where I am in my life right now.

Today, I'm teaching here,

but next week, I may just run off to Kenya to shoot elephants.

So, for now, I just want something fun.

It is fun, but it's not enough for me.

Are you sure? I mean, I don't have anything on under my Zubaz.

Bye, Angie.

Bye.

Hey, when you say "shoot elephants..."

With a camera, yeah.

Cool.

Hey. What are you up to?

I have three midterms next week. What do you think I'm up to?

Some nerdy computer thing?

Correct. Sometimes when I'm stressed out, I like to punch sharks.

Why are you holding your breath?

Because I'm underwater.

Why aren't your clothes wet?

Oh, God! You know, you're ruining it.

Sorry.

If I ask nicely, will you take pictures at my wedding?

What a nice, guilty gesture.

- Kind of. So are you in or out? - In.

Good. Because you are an amazing photographer,

and I should never have said no in the first place.

I want you to have a great life,

and the thought of you struggling, it scares me.

I freaked out.

I'm okay with the struggle.

Okay, good. Because it's gotta be your struggle, not mine.

I'm not gonna give you money whenever you need it.

- Yes, you will. - Yeah, I will.

We should probably open a joint bank account.

Just promise me that life's gonna work out for you.

I promise.

You still look worried. Do you want to fight some sharks?

You know, you wouldn't be able to swing a tennis racket underwater.

Yeah, well, you'd be wet.

I don't know if I like this. Everybody's looking at us.

That's because we look awesome.

Yeah, that's right, this is happening.

Come on, G-man, we're doing this, baby. We're doing this now.

Then why are we still on the ground?

Gentlemen, I'll see you on top of the world.