Original subtitles

Thank you.

Good morning!

What the hell?

You said that'd be funny.

It was. Look how mad she is.

Mom, you remember Ted.

Okay.

This is my band.

We're just passing through on our way to audition for Disney World.

Please, would you stop?

When I rank all the things that make me want to die,

it goes, books, snakes, PBS, acapella.

Ted and his band needed a place to crash on their way to Orlando.

They asked for a week.

I said, "Whoa, whoa, Teddy, three days, tops. Five maybe..."

They'll be here a week.

It's getting funnier.

Now all the hotels are booked.

Damn Quebecers.

Gulf Haven has a crab festival every year,

and for some reason, it attracts tons of tourists from Quebec.

It's one of those unexplainable things, like, you know, magnets, volcanoes...

Those are actually explainable.

All right, Ted, I only have one extra bed, so...

Guys, we got a bed!

Wow!

Okay, don't answer my phone, there are towels upstairs,

don't use them.

Other than that, make yourselves at home while I go get ready for work.

I hate you.

Missed again!

New rule, miss 10 in a row, anyone wearing a helmet gets a racing stripe.

- How does that apply to anyone but me? - It don't.

Spray paint touches this helmet, and I will murder you Omar-style.

I mean that, man-to-man.

Wow, did you just "man-to-man" him?

You just stepped through a door today, buddy.

- Don't touch my ass. - All right.

So how goes it with Trav's hot photography teacher?

What? When I left you two yesterday, you were all googly-eyed.

Shortly after that, it was like a torpedo right into the crapper.

So, what's your sign?

Capricorn. What's yours?

Don't got one.

- Where you from? - France.

- You? - France.

- Really? - No.

She just ran off?

She's allergic to bees.

Did I leave that part out?

Yeah.

No, no! Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Yeah, I thought there was something there, you know?

But I blew it.

Okay, we have to help Bobby get this girl.

He seems to do fine getting girls on his own.

Yeah, he was awesome at it when you guys were married.

So sweet.

But that was just sex. He didn't care about those women.

That's why it didn't hurt so much.

- Really? - No, it destroyed me.

Look, when Bobby really likes a girl, he gets so nervous and awkward

that even his gibberish gets worse.

That's impossible. Or as Bobby would say, "That's impressible."

Okay, we just got to get him to that first kiss.

'Cause after the first kiss, all of his nerves melt away

and he gets back to his charming self. Okay, who's in?

- Me! - I am so out.

You know, when Bobby and I first met, he couldn't talk to me.

But I thought he was so hot that I grabbed his rat tail and I said,

"Spit out your dip, I'm coming in."

You know what happened after that kiss?

He put a baby in you?

No, that was a few days later. I love you, sweetie.

He smiled and he said, "Well, that was fun. Wanna do it again?"

That is so sexy.

And I did kiss Bobby again,

because he is the best kisser I've ever been with.

What, so I'm only second best?

Yeah. Seventh.

Did you say "second" or "seventh"?

Okay, let's do this!

Jules, you laugh at that T-shirt every year.

I can't help it. It's funny.

Thanks to my ankle monitor, I can't leave this dumb town.

It's so crowded, there's nowhere for us to sit.

Stupid Quebecers!

Hey, go see if the people at that table are friendly.

On it.

That's why I brought Tom.

He is just so weird that when he talks to people, they just move away.

He's a group exploder. Watch.

Hey, any crab fans in the house?

It's a gift.

I could really go for some hot wings.

I love spicy food so hard.

I think it's because my mom gave birth to me

after a night of pounding Bloody Marys at a Whitesnake after-party.

I was a Jacuzzi baby. Born and conceived in one.

Books, snakes, PBS, acapella, that story.

Good one, shirt.

Ladies. So, you wanted to talk?

I know how you feel about Angie.

So, what would you say if I set up the perfect date for the two of you,

and you barely have to talk?

Could that actually work?

It's gonna go like this.

You'll pick her up, flash a smile,

and drive as she drinks champagne.

Then you'll stop by the boat,

where you'll play Penny Can with your adoring son and best buddy.

Next, a romantic movie, where you won't have to talk at all.

Then drinks with friends, who will carry the conversation.

I'll probably tell a funny story that makes everyone laugh.

Finally, a beach sunset so beautiful it would render anyone speechless.

That's when she'll lean in and kiss you.

And you'll say...

That was fun. Wanna do it again?

I told you it would work.

Yeah, you did.

Wait, so part of your fantasy involves bragging to me that it would work?

- Yep. - But I never said it wouldn't work.

Who cares?

Well, Bobby?

I am so in.

Got us all coffees.

Thank you, Tom.

Hey, would you check the other tables to see if they have sugar?

No problem.

Watch. It's like fireworks.

Here comes the big finish.

That was great!

Hello?

Ted, look in the kitchen.

I told you not to answer my phone!

I told you she meant it.

Peons, upstairs! And stay out of my bedroom!

I caught one of them smelling my toothbrush.

I'm sure that's all he did.

Hey, Bobby.

We are a go on Operation Kiss-The-Girl.

Okay, are you wearing your sport coat?

I am.

Great. Are you also wearing pants?

Turning around.

That's okay. That's why I told you to leave 10 minutes early.

Thanks, Captain.

He just called me Captain.

That means you're my sergeant. My Sarge!

Nope, not Sarge. I'm not helping.

Classic Sarge.

Do you think Bobby's gonna be able to get through this

without having to talk at least a little bit?

No, but I coached the crap out of him.

I told him to start by complimenting her dress.

Hey.

Wow. My grandmother got buried in a dress just like that.

I can go change.

No, she's not dead. I don't even know why I said that.

And then I said to talk about something interesting he saw on TV.

So, you like manatees?

I love them. That pudgy little face, and those whiskers.

Yeah.

So they're dying. A butt load washed up on the beach the next town over.

No!

Nothing makes me sadder than dead animals.

For me, it's my dead grandma.

She did die. I just didn't want to bring you down earlier.

Bees! Bees!

Did I say I liked your dress yet?

Then he's off to the boat,

where he'll play Penny Can with his adoring son and best buddy.

Rules are rules, nerd!

How do you like that?

I got this.

Hey, it's over! It's over!

He sprayed paint in my mouth.

- Hey, Ms LeClaire. - Hey, Travis.

Bobby, I don't understand why you took your shirt off.

Well, you can't break up a fight with your shirt on.

I mean, haven't you ever seen Road House?

I don't want to call you a dummy or anything, but damn.

You called her dumb?

Tell him to call her chunky next. Chicks love that.

Call her a chunky bitch!

Bobby, get to the movies.

All right.

You know, wearing this headset

makes me look like Sigourney Weaver in that movie with the alien.

It was called Alien.

No. I'm thinking of a different movie.

You're not, but you know what's lame about action movies?

Everyone's always running everywhere.

Yeah, but I do love the way Tom Cruise runs in movies.

You know, he goes faster because he karate-chops the air!

It feels faster. Let's take a curve.

Hey, Jules.

Bobby needs tickets to an earlier movie.

Gotcha.

Solid hot wings, my friend. Really working up a sweat.

Go for Captain.

I got hot sauce in my eyes. I can't make it to the theatre.

Who is Captain?

You can do this. Honey, I believe in you.

- I don't! - Back to your spot.

Okay, okay. I can do it. I can do it. Oh, God!

That is vodka!

Please, sir, just push me in the direction of the theatre.

Damn Quebecers!

Quebecers!

- Quebecers! - Quebecers!

No.

- Quebecers! - Quebecers!

The movie's a no-go.

There was a chicken wing disaster. I will explain it on the way to the bar.

Explain this on the way, girl.

Now that had to be better than seventh.

Do you really think we should be doing this now?

At least I'm the best kisser in the room, right?

Seriously?

I kissed Sarge once on New Year's.

I have a magic tongue.

There were tongues?

It was Y2K. We thought we were gonna die.

A lot of stuff went down that night. Let's go.

Uncool, Gramps.

That's like the fifth Quebecer to cop a feel.

That's impressible.

What? Sorry, say it again slower.

That's impressible.

Good God.

Hi, you must be Angie. I'm Bobby's ex-wife, Jules.

And this is Bobby's friend, Grayson, who's also my fiancé.

Sometimes it sounds weird when you say facts out loud.

That's impressible.

You know you can't eat soup out of a bread bowl.

You always think the soup is too hot,

then you eat the bowl first and it's a disaster.

You're not really telling a grown man how to eat, are you?

No, because that would be weird.

I do have a really funny story.

Hey, Angie, do I look like a good kisser?

Dude, not now.

Bobby, no!

Just a little bit off the rim. It's not gonna compromise the infrastructure.

'Cause I've kissed a lot of people.

Good job?

But I don't think about it, see, because I don't live in the past.

I'm sorry I remember how people kiss and make love.

Well, why would you throw "make love" in there?

That was a little weird.

- Really? - Sorry.

Why don't we all just have a giant make out party right here, right now?

- Please don't make me kiss you. - It's enough.

Bobby, no!

What?

It's so hot! It's so hot!

It's really hot!

Nice gams. You play soccer?

Tom, less creepy, more doctory.

- Thank you. - Right. The burns are minor.

No, no, no, it's over now, Tom.

I can't believe I spilled soup all over that Chinese tattoo on your thigh.

It's fine. Really.

What the hell does that mean?

It means "Vegas." I am not proud of it.

All right, Vegas, let's get you some wine.

Would you stop? It's going great. Just get her to the beach.

What do you mean there's no spots at the beach? It's a beach!

It's full of Quebecers.

Find a spot, damn it!

Have you even moved?

Nope, I even napped here.

My eyes still really hurt!

What's up with the cop car?

My light's on.

- Is this beach across town lines? - Way over.

Watch!

She's down.

Stupid Canadian kids and your holes!

I'm gonna go help her with the cops. You find a spot.

But I can't carry all this.

Do it for Bobby!

Do it for Bobby. Do it for Bobby.

Thigh burns are starting to sting a little.

Here, use this ice bucket.

Yeah.

Wow, it's really beautiful, isn't it?

Hey, what are those dark things down by the water? Are they rocks?

I don't think so. There are seagulls eating them.

Oh, God, they're dead manatees. They're everywhere.

You did a real good thing trying to save that animal.

So sorry you had to watch it die.

I saw his soul leave his eyes.

You folks should go.

They're gonna be here soon to chainsaw the carcass, and...

Once you see that, you cannot un-see it.

Will champagne help?

No.

I don't think you'd even need a chainsaw for that.

That thing's so rotten,

you could probably just karate chop right through it.

Why would you let her go home?

Because she was covered in manatee blood!

This is the worst date ever.

Wait, Bobby...

I'm trying less lip pressure. Thoughts?

Okay, fine. If this is gonna stop you from being an insecure, little baby,

you're the kiss master. Happy?

Yes! Kiss master in the hizzouse. Burn!

Okay, I'm not giving up. I'm gonna go get Bobby,

you are going to get Travis at the police station and bail out Laurie.

And get a burrito because she's always hungry in jail.

Kiss master out.

Sarge, go get Angie.

Still not Sarge. Still not a helper.

To me, people are just bags of skin that slow down my day.

Look, I know you have a secret soft spot for Bobby.

Your friend needs you.

I hope you do the right thing.

Damn it.

Blondie?

Yeah.

I know this is weird and you probably have blisters on your thighs.

Yeah, big suckers.

But Bobby's a great guy.

And that's coming from someone that has a broken bottle for a heart.

So just come with me and give him another chance.

I'd go, but I can't even walk.

Fine! Get on my back!

Go!

- Who are you? - I'm Sarge.

Oh, boy!

Don't say anything. I need this.

All right, I'm taking you to meet Angie.

No way!

I know this has been a horrible day.

He's got crabs!

But still, you can't give up.

You're a great guy.

Sometimes people just need help seeing it.

Thanks, J-Bird.

Now, come on, she's gonna meet us at the plaza.

That place is full of Quebecers and crab guts.

How am I supposed to make that romantic?

Got it.

She said no!

Dang it! Bobby, just go. I'll meet you there in 10 minutes.

I gotta pick up something from the house.

The Crab Fest traffic's insane. You'll never make it.

- Yes, I will. - How?

Tom Cruise run.

This is bad.

Give me that.

Peons, assemble!

Jules!

Where's Bobby?

- Thanks, Sarge. - Okay.

Where you going?

It's too crowded.

Tom, explode the plaza.

- What? - Just talk to everyone.

Hey, gang, my name's Tom.

Now sing!

Band's out of shape. Can't breathe.

Sing and you can keep my robe.

Wait, all of this was for me?

You're worth it.

I told you it would work.

Yeah, you did.

That was fun. You wanna do it again?

I'd like that.

Why are you freaking out, sweetie?

Hey, big guy.

This is weird, man.

Everyone here looks like someone from my old job.

Old you was nice to me.

Old you hated me.

I kind of feel the same way now.

That's exactly what old you would say!

That's exactly what old you would do!

Anyone seen Junebug?

Dear God in heaven!

Hey, man, did you order a pizza?

Why are you so sweaty?

You-all-right five?

From the big dog.