Original subtitles

You know, your mom takes bath-shower-baths.

That's a bath,

then a shower to wash off the bath, and then a final clean bath.

'Cause that's normal.

Don't make fun of me, Mr. Pees-With-No-Hands.

Where the hell did she come from?

Dude, if you're gonna marry my mommy,

there's something you should know:

she's an eavesdropping ninja.

Check it.

Whenever you're talking about her, she finds a way to get closer.

Because she wants to know exactly what you're saying

about her. Hey, Mom.

Don't talk behind my back.

Ninja.

You're getting married!

It's so romantic.

Like that movie Inception, when Leo loves his wife so much,

but then she gets mad and moves to that weird city

where there's, like, no people and earthquakes all the time,

then he ends up on snow mountain and falls in love with Juno.

Jellybean. You didn't understand that movie at all, did you?

No. But I cried so hard at the end.

I wanna see Inception. Come on, no spoilers!

But you never see anything.

Well, I'm busy, dude.

And unless you know that I've watched it,

please don't blab on about any good movies, TV shows or books.

Well, you can have books.

Hello, Jules. What's going on with your wedding?

Thanks, Tom.

I told him to pop up and say that

whenever we've gone off wedding talk for too long.

Okay, so I've gotta pick a date. What's good for everybody?

I've got Tuesdays off.

Mid-week wedding? That's a little white trashy.

I cry like a baby at weddings. Anybody else get emotional?

I get super emotional in my pants.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Jules, but we will be having sex at your wedding.

Prince Charles.

That's what I'm gonna say now when I wanna throw up.

Okay, so we got a Tuesday wedding...

Wait! It has to be in the spring.

It's when I get my ankle monitoring bracelet off.

Tuesday spring wedding,

and we need some kind of private bang room for Ellie and Andy.

- Thanks. - Oh, sweet.

It's my wedding, too. What about what I want?

No, did he just ask about that?

Oh, that's pretty funny.

I got those guys the best engagement gift.

It's a giant portrait of them, but it's made entirely of chocolate.

You know, they're way hotter as a black couple.

Most people are.

Truth.

You know, I had a hard time finding a gift,

because I want to let my ex-wife and my good friend know

that I'm cool with them getting hitched.

Guess what?

Crushed it!

Let's say Jules needs to get to Grayson's house, like, pronto.

What does she do?

She walks over?

You walk to something you like. But when it's love, you gotta fly.

Too much speed!

Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!

Bobby! Bobby!

Andy, you're not chanting! Don't you get it?

It's a metaphor. I connected their houses.

What's a better way of telling them that I'm cool with everything?

How about just tell them?

- Well, that's dumb. - He's right.

If you say something doesn't bother you, it means that it so does.

It's like the guy I hooked up with on Friday night.

When I said, "Ricky, I don't care that you're way shorter than me,"

what I really meant was, "Lose my number, Frodo."

Was he shorter than me?

Yeah.

Gross.

No, I forgot to put away the ice cream!

Can't say that I'm shocked.

Andy let the ice cream melt, so he had to die.

It's only pretend murder.

We used to fight so much about the little things.

Now, whenever I get so mad that I wanna kill him, I just do it.

It's been a great tool in our marriage.

And then Ansel Adams here takes pictures of it.

You know who Ansel Adams is?

No, but I can tell by your tone, I used her name right.

Go wash up before Stan sees you.

That little snitch tells his psychiatrist everything.

Okay, I'm gonna go visit Grandpa before I head back to campus.

Wait, if you go with him, you could ask my dad for permission to marry me.

He would love it.

Thanks, babe!

You think saying, "Thanks, babe!" means the conversation's over?

- Why is he still here? - I don't know.

- You already "Thanks, babe"-ed him. - Right?

Oh, no, he didn't.

Yes, I did.

But will you just do it for me? Please?

I will now.

Thanks, babe.

Ellie, I love you so much.

I wanna ask you something.

Are we finally running away together? 'Cause I keep a bag in my truck.

Me, too!

Awesome!

You're my best friend, and my future wife.

Will you be my maid of honour?

Come here.

An Ellie hug. So rare.

Okay, it's over.

No, no, I still feel it.

I'm definitely not bath-shower-bath-ing today.

Laurie is gonna be so crushed when she finds out you picked me.

May I please, please, please be there when you tell her?

She's gonna be all, "Jules, it's not fair.

"I grew up in a foster home. I have an enlarged heart."

She's gonna be fine. She's the only bridesmaid.

Plus, I'm gonna let her hold me like a baby in the pool.

What?

I don't get it either, but she asks me to do it, like, twice a week.

Who cares what Old Fat Heart wants?

And this morning, asking everybody, "When should I have my wedding?"

You're such a people pleaser.

It's called being nice. Ever heard of it?

Nice.

You made that up.

It's your wedding, you're supposed to be selfish.

If you would like me to be your maid of honour,

you have to stop people pleasing.

Promise.

All right. Whatever makes you happy.

- No. - Us happy?

- No. - Me happy?

Right.

That feels weird.

Your grandpa lives on a ranch?

Yeah. His name is Chick.

Calls people "puddin'."

Has both formal and informal overalls.

- Hey! - Travis,

why'd you bring City Mouse?

Sir, you know Jules and I are engaged, but I forgot to ask you,

may I have your daughter's hand?

We'll see.

Saddle up.

What are we doing?

Why'd I wear my skinny jeans?

Yeah, if you could scoot back, like, even an inch, that would be super.

No. There's Ricky.

Keep moving, you little squirrel. You already climbed this tree.

Anyway, I wanna talk to you about my wedding...

The waitress just gave him crayons.

So, I've been thinking about your bridal party...

Let me talk first.

Ellie has to be your maid of honour.

Okay, you talk first.

You've always been there for me.

That's why I wanna hold you in the pool like a baby.

So that for once,

I can take care of you the way that you've always taken care of me.

That actually makes sense.

Do you think that I say things just to say them?

- No? - I know that it's a lot to ask,

but do you think that maybe you could have two maids of honour?

Of course.

I should have talked first.

What? No, no! No, not now.

Come on! Just let me do this.

We're not in a pool!

- Babies don't talk, babies don't talk. - Laurie, please.

Well, that one is when he got his gross back hair in my face soap.

That one is when he forgot to renew satellite.

I couldn't listen to Howard!

That's actually a cow heart.

You can buy them in Mexican grocery stores.

I remember that.

That's when he touched your turkey neck, and went...

Sorry.

Well, since I'm on a roll, I was thinking

maybe I could ask Laurie to be my co-maid of honour.

- Did you really just hiss? - I'm trying it out.

Look, it would make Laurie so happy. And it would make you happy, too.

Being a maid of honour is a lot of work.

And if there's one thing I know about you,

you hate doing things for other people.

That's true.

If Laurie was my co-maid of honour, she could do the invitations,

and all that crappy busy work.

And you could just sit there, soaking in the glory.

You paint a pretty picture.

Yet, this reeks of people pleasing.

Did you already ask Laurie to be your co-maid,

and now you're just covering your tracks?

No!

- Wow, that was a little big, right? - Yeah.

No. Well, this just makes sense.

Plus, you will always secretly know that you're the real maid of honour.

I can't wait to rub it in her face.

See, that's not "secretly."

You want us to spot you?

Yeah, but I'm wearing a skirt with no grundies, so don't look up!

My glasses.

The landing's a little rough, but Jules is gonna love it.

Yeah, Bobby...

I don't know.

Yeah. Jules is skittish about stuff you build.

Ever since you tried to kill her with those tub speakers.

I said she could take a bath or listen to music.

Yeah.

She's not gonna like this, buddy. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you.

Yeah, well it feels like my heart got kicked in the nuts.

Bobby, come on. Bobby, come on back!

The back of my neck is sore from your chin stubble.

My entire crotch is sweaty from your butt heat, so nobody wins.

Hey, Chick, about that blessing...

Sorry you boys had to ride double dude,

but my Annabelle here was just too sick to join us.

How you doing, old girl?

You got someplace to be?

No. I mean, just my bar. But I'm sure it's fine without me.

They're gonna turn that off. I was trying to make some curly fries.

There's jellybean.

Why don't you go ask her to be your other maid of honour

while I try to figure out how to make a Mai Tai.

Great idea. Because, you know, I haven't asked her yet.

She's gonna be so excited.

All right.

Here we go.

There's my bride-to-be. Honey, you're positively glowing.

Stop, I'm just flushed from the grease fire.

Okay.

As... Listen.

As my co-maid of honour...

Just say co-moh. It's a new abrieve I came up with.

Total T-saver.

I need to tell you something.

I may have to cut off my big toe.

I got one of those pedicures at that cheap place that's also a deli.

Oh, Jules!

It's actually... My toe's feeling a little better now.

- So, I'm probably just gonna keep it. - Okay.

Yeah. I mean, I can even jump still. Come on, do it with me, it's really fun.

Okay. That is fun.

She's so happy!

What up, co-moh?

Prince Charles.

J-Bird! I got a surprise for you.

You're gonna fly like that iron man in Iron Man.

Is that a movie?

Spoiler!

Just come on up here so I can push you off the roof.

No.

Wait, that actually is not big enough.

No!

Would you take this thing down before someone dies?

Well, you were right. Happy?

No.

Would a super sad, two-man zip line make you feel better?

You know, seeing you with her reminds me of how much I love Jules.

So my daughter is like a horse?

No. Unless that's a good thing.

Can be.

Well, then yes. Jules is like a horse.

She's not gonna be happy when I tell her you said that.

- Please don't. - Already done.

Okay, back to that blessing...

Son, when you love somebody,

you do everything you can to make them happy.

'Cause it's not just about you any more. You understand?

- Yes, sir. - Good.

Shoot my horse.

- What? - She's hurting.

I can't do it, I love her too much. And Travis is just a boy.

It does make more sense that you do it.

Thanks, babe.

Grayson said I'm like a horse.

All right, let's get back to dividing up our maid of honour duties.

So, who's gonna be handling the bridal shower?

- You. - Wedding day mani-pedis?

- You. - Bachelorette party?

- You. - Party invites?

- You. - Party locations?

- You. - After-party clean up?

- You. - Decorating the car?

- You. - And, the wedding toast?

Ellie! Ellie's got a job!

Good, I hate giving toasts.

Fear of public speaking. What-what?

Jelly, if we're gonna be

co-maids of honour, there's no more "What-whats."

You know you love them.

Plus, they totally tone your upper arms. What-what?

What-what!

No, I still hate myself.

I have a present for you.

You do?

- It's cute. - I'm gonna go put mine on.

Jules?

It's amazing that she could get those T-shirts made so quickly,

seeing as you only asked her to be your co-maid of honour 20 minutes ago.

What?

Look at you, my two maids of honour.

Co-mohs!

No, no, honey. I've got time for all the words.

I am so grateful that you both love me.

Even though sometimes I do stupid, totally forgivable things.

Let's hug it out.

You know, hugs can fix anything.

Sometimes, you just have to squeeze a little harder.

You smell like betrayal.

Okay, well, I am out of here.

See you, guys.

Look, Ellie, what...

Ladder!

You sure we have to shoot her? I mean, maybe she'll get better.

She won't, son. She's dying.

She's fine.

I heart you.

Her eyes are so human.

You know, a lot of people think that horses have souls.

Annabelle.

Grayson, you're acting like you've never shot a horse before!

- I haven't! - Kind of weird. You're a grown man.

What? No, that's not weird. It's very... That's... I'm... It's normal.

Well, just draw a line between those two big, beautiful eyes, and...

That's it. No, I'm not shooting your horse.

And I don't need your permission. Jules is 42, 43?

- Not sure. - I don't know.

Well, we should all know that!

Worst gift ever. I'm not smart enough to give someone a metaphor.

If I had just believed in this the way I usually believe in you,

Jules would've done it.

Where the hell did you come from?

Ninja.

Did you change your mind? Hop on, let's take a zip.

Still not feeling zippy.

But you know what I would love?

For less ladders to drop from my roof.

You know, it's bad enough I have to

share the altar with that beady-eyed bartender.

But Vanilla-Gorilla gets to be there, too?

When I agreed to let her be my co-maid of honour,

you said you hadn't asked her yet, you big, people-pleasing liar!

I didn't ask her!

She asked me, and I agreed. That is totally different.

Semantics!

- Spoiler? - Not a movie,

a word.

I warned you. I am out as maid of honour.

- No mo' co-moh. - Ellie,

you're not out.

You're my best friend.

So you know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna suck it up, and start working on your toast.

Thanks, babe.

Did you just "Thanks, babe" me?

And I'll do it again. Thanks, babe!

Fine. I'm gonna tell Laurie that you just made her co-moh out of pity.

Jelly, dear? A word?

Ellie, no. Give me that handle, quick.

Oh, my God, it's happening!

Laurie, start the car!

When I drop into the passenger seat, gun it!

Stop, stop! I can't breathe.

You're talking. You can breathe.

You don't know.

So, why are we torturing Grayson again?

I'm cool if there's no reason.

You know, Bobby Cobb is a good man...

Yeah, that's usually what people say right before they start slamming him.

He's a crap husband.

He really hurt your mom.

I'm her father, it's my job to protect her, and I blew it.

I had to make sure that Grayson was the kind of man that she deserves.

By seeing if he'd shoot a horse?

I just wanted to know that he would do anything for her.

Well, this is way, way off the record,

but Grayson's all right.

Mom's lucky.

She is. I can see that.

Is the gun still in there?

Hey, hey, hey! Grayson, wait a minute!

I'll get ice!

Honey, if it makes you feel any better,

for like three seconds, you looked so cool.

That's great.

Be a doll and go upstairs to my bathroom.

There's a bottle of big yellow pills.

Could you crush up, like, six of them in a glass of wine?

I love that drink.

Hey, Jules. What's going on with your wedding?

I'm bleeding internally.

Gotcha.

I will take the zip line down.

Sounds like a good plan.

Bobby,

that whole thing about you trying to connect my house to Grayson's,

it's really sweet.

- Like a... - Beautiful metaphor?

I'm glad you're okay about us getting married.

You're the best.

Thanks, J-Bird.

Good.

Still need the ice.

Ellie Torres, I am so mad at you that my butt is even twitching.

Look.

Well, of course it stops now. But touch it, it will start again.

Are you seriously mad at me?

So, I'm a people pleaser. I mean, you've got flaws, too!

You can be mean.

Yeah.

Like that time that you made fun of me

for accidentally buying little girl's underwear.

I mean, why do they even make thongs for kids?

It wouldn't have been a thong on a six-year-old.

Mean.

I did feel it. That is weird!

Right?

Yeah.

You said that my wedding should be about what makes me happy.

Well, making my friends happy is what makes me happy.

That is so sad.

You don't seem to mind it when I get your favourite coffee,

even though I hate it.

Or when I only buy sweaters that you wanna borrow.

I said people pleasing annoys me.

Not Ellie pleasing.

I love that.

I'm sorry.

Magic fix-it hug!

- All better. - I'm still mad.

- How mad? - Mad enough to kill you!

- How? - Chainsaw.

- Where? - By a dumpster.

Let's do it.

I love you.

I love you.

Smile.

Die!

I almost shot a horse today.

I fell from the sky. Could you pour me a glass?

Of course.

Thanks, babe.

No! That was a sincere "Thanks, babe."

Because I missed you so much today, and I love you.

And now we're out of wine.

I'm sorry.

Look, you can have my glass, and I'll go get us another bottle.

That's right, buddy. Get used to it.