Original subtitles

This place was built before America was even established.

-Before McDonald's even. -What?

And it's thought that women were burned in those living rooms upstairs

as part of the Salem Witch Trials.

That's nonsense, absolute nonsense.

Anything on the EMF, Poppy, which stands for

Ecto... mystic Finder.

No, it doesn't.

Actually, yes there is, and I think it's coming from over there

off that dumbwaiter.

Well, let's not be rude, he might be foreign.

What waiter?

Once we started to get a little bit of popularity,

I mean, like, five or so regular followers, mostly bots...

Erm, can you change that title, please?

-What do you want? -Behavioural Psychologist.

Wallace just became, I don't know,

he started reading these books that he didn't quite understand

and coming up with these words and phrases

that were totally out of context, complete nonsense.

What is going on there?

And his ego, he became this distended solipsist.

Yeah, we'll do it later.

I can sense the malevolence.

This is an angry spirit.

-And I think he may have farted. -Jesus.

Do you guys see the size of this wiener?

...ing hell.

I know, it's huge, right?

Chet had been jealous of me for quite some time.

When my fans really started to show interest,

especially chicks.

He just seemed to want to mess everything up,

but I handled it with class.

You've ruined another investigation, Chet, you big knobbly turd.

What? You wanted dinner.

Not now.

I wanted you to film us, but as usual,

Poppy and I had to work alone again.

You know, I feel I have to be honest with you, Chet,

you're a dipshit and I hate you.

Yeah, Wallace, I'm the dipshit.

Yep, so zero regrets about my choice of subject.

Who wouldn't want to dedicate seven years

of their precious academia to consummate morons?

Greetings, believers, and welcome to your weekly trip down the paranormal.

I wonder which is the best meat.

We are coming live from Erie, Ohio.

I'm ready to take your calls.

So stand by with...

Beef is pretty versatile,

but then lamb is good for kebabs.

Okay, Wallace, we are not live, this is a podcast.

-Pork! -What?

-Vodcast. -Yeah, right, vodcast.

So we're not live and we don't have a phone system.

We're recording your voice now,

and then we're gonna add the "callers" later

with our audio software.

It's called "editing," remember?

But we are live.

We are alive.

Yes.

Poppy's never really understood the concept of broadcasting.

I mean, she tries, bless her,

but all those Ivy League degrees and books

are no substitute for experience.

I'm a seasoned broadcaster.

Are you?

Yeah, in Europe.

You don't get that channel here.

Wallace has never really understood the concept of podcasting.

He seems to think we're on live TV.

Okay, so let's record the first part of your script.

Are you ready?

Don't look into the camera.

Action.

Action, Wallace.

Okay, I've cut there, what's wrong?

I just keep thinking about meat.

Meat?

You know, chicken, beef, pork.

Yeah, I know what meat is.

Why are you thinking about meat

when we're trying to record this?

Sausage, that's it.

It goes with fries, it goes with pancakes.

-And that's it. -Poppy?

I have been with you for almost two years,

and in that time, you managed to lose every sponsor

that we ever had, burn down a factory,

and alienate the one person

that can make your show watchable.

She said that?

Well, yeah.

You know, the only reason I agreed to join this team

is so that I could study the psychology of paranormal witnesses.

All I've studied is you and Chet,

seeing who could piss higher up the damn wall.

I have had it. I am through.

Poppy, don't go. We've got an upcoming investigation,

the haunted bakery, supernatural pastries.

Too little, too late.

Just for the record though,

I did get higher up the wall.

Greetings, believer. You are live on the air.

I'm standing in the middle of this old warehouse,

and it's super scary, and I need somebody

to come and investigate it for me.

Caller, you have come to the right place.

Oh, yeah, I heard you guys are the best,

especially that Chet guy.

No, caller, you are much mistaken,

Unfortunately, Chet is a massive turd.

Now tell me about your environment.

Can you see any signs of the paranormal,

ecto-fog or peculiar sounds?

Oh, yes, very peculiar.

I keep hearing this voice, this ghostly moaning

that's just always complaining and bitching about everything.

And where is it coming from?

Oh my God, it seems to be coming from my phone.

It's Chet, you idiot.

Chet who?

Look, I'm calling to offer you an olive branch.

Well, I'm all set for pieces of tree, thank you.

And by the way, you're still a massive turd like I told the caller.

That was me.

Of course, it was you, I don't know any other massive turds,

I'm not as massive as you anyway. Okay, bye.

Stop, stop!

Wallace, listen, I have a bona fide.

You are a boner... fide.

Wallace!

Chet is that you?

Oh my God, thank God, Poppy.

Thank God it's you.

Hey, how are you?

Well, actually, I just quit.

I made a pretty dramatic exit, but I left my phone behind.

Okay. Stop, everybody just stop everything.

Just listen to me for a second, okay?

I have a great opportunity, this is a sign.

We can't see you, idiot, there's another sign.

No, Poppy coming back for her phone. That's the sign.

Would you just listen to me? I have a great opportunity for us.

Chuck, this isn't another crypto thing, is it?

No, no, no, I promise this is the real deal.

I'm standing inside of this big old warehouse

in upstate New York and it is extremely haunted.

You're not qualified to say that.

Continue.

The owner wants us to investigate.

I could point to hundreds, no, thousands of people

that want me to investigate.

Okay, go ahead.

How is this an actual opportunity for us, Chet?

They're going to pay us.

Actual money?

Yes, actual US dollars.

It's not about the money.

I mean, sure, we've got expenses like anybody else, but...

It's totally about the money. We're absolutely 100% broke.

We're gonna need every piece of equipment that we have

and maybe some new stuff as well.

I want to record everything.

We can make a real show.

Hello? Hello?

Ugh. I must have accidentally hung up on them. They would never hang up on me.

Here are the rules.

You provide the jewels to me, you get $5 million

and I don't have you killed.

Okay. That seems fair.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

You disappoint me in any way.

Fail to deliver the jewels to me

give away any information about me or our objectives

or do any single thing to implicate me

or even that causes my day to be less than perfect.

Yes?

I'll fucking kill you.

Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

Um, is there any wiggle room?

Slowly.

Can we negotiate?

Oh, oh, you meant, you meant the killing of me.

That would be slowly.

And don't go into room 66 either.

Now, I've made some angel food cake.

It's by the fridge. Share with your friends.

You don't want to get a tummy ache.

What?

We've hit the big time.

Full sponsorship, proper investigation.

There'll be seriously haunted footage.

Good.

What do you want me to do then?

Well, I was just thinking that,

they...

Fucking hell!

Hi, Morris, it's Poppy.

Hello, Poppy love.

Why the dickens is a beautiful, intelligent honey like you,

still knocking around with that blithering idiot?

Here, Wallace, put these on. You can hear Morris better.

There's a socket inside the glove compartment.

I know, I know.

But I am two years into my study.

And if I stop now, I will lose everything.

I will be the laughing stock of the Ivy League And unemployable.

I'm sorry, Poppy love.

I'm sorry my nephew is such a fucking idiot.

Pardon my French.

Oh, he can't help it.

Well, he's just, you know...

I know he's a fucking clueless twat! Pardon my French

Anyway, some of what he told you is true.

But perhaps this is an opportunity to make a real show.

Hold on, Poppy love. Every time I've tried to help him before,

it's backfired Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, Seamus O'Toole.

Sorry?

I've lost my thread.

Is there anything that you can do

as far as sponsorship goes?

Maybe a little spot on one of your TV channels.

It doesn't even have to be from a country we've even heard of.

He say he's full sponsorship, put it on the Internet

I can't find where the thing goes.

It's in the glove compartment underneath everything.

Chet said full sponsorship.

That mung bean couldn't find his arse with both hands.

Morris, I am so far and this has to work.

Chet is really good on camera and Wallace is...

Still an idiot, yes. Listen, Poppy love,

there is something I can think of.

Oh, bless you, Morris.

Leave it with me, but you have to play a straight bat.

You're responsible for the whole project working, right?

Absolutely, yes.

Remember, I'm only doing this

because I think the sun shines out of your arse.

Not really appropriate to finish that, but okay.

If I were five years younger, I'd be giving you a ruddy good...

Wallace, say goodbye to Uncle Morris.

I haven't finished.

...job.

I was going to say job.

He wasn't gonna say job. He's just from a different time.

Well, they found their way to the warehouse in about a couple of days.

Morris called me out of the blue and...

I'm sorry, you need to introduce yourself.

Oh, Snow. My name is Snow.

-I'm... -Is that your first or second name?

Both.

Is that it?

Nearly yes, but it's just Snow.

What shall we put for your job, then?

Oh, how about Wallace Peebles fan?

-What? -I love Wallace.

I've followed his whole career.

His village hall tour, his blog, his podcast.

His tea towels of the Paranormal Christmas gift set.

I must be his biggest fan.

Go and hold that ladder for Snow, Wallace,

you flaccid prick, pardon my French.

And don't look up her skirt, you ruddy pervert.

It's okay, Wallace.

What, don't look up your skirt?

No, I mean, don't worry.

-Well... -Snow is your producer.

She's in charge of everything that goes on.

Hold it, Morris, we're an established team.

And you told me that I was in charge.

Oh, I mean, just for the show.

Of course, you're your own team, Poppy,

except for Wallace, who's a fucking liability,

Pardon my French.

Wow, how about some solidarity, Chet?

It is Snow's responsibility to capture everything that's needed to make the show.

So please coordinate your investigation with her.

-Fine. -You should know that Snow's funding this herself,

so think on.

Hey, Snow.

Hey, what you got there?

Oh, yeah, this is pretty tricky, let me show you.

You just kinda take this,

and you gotta kinda bend this back here.

That one's faulty.

Hey, listen, I'm usually the camera guy on all these things.

Oh, okay.

So I thought maybe I could be the head of the camera team?

Oh, is there a team coming?

Well, no, that's me asking, really.

Me?

Oh, I don't really know.

Listen, Snow, have you ever actually shot a television show before?

Nothing. I don't know anything about it.

I didn't know I was the producer until Morris said it earlier.

I don't even know what a producer does.

No one does.

Uh, but, hey, we don't have to tell anybody that yet.

Okay. Look, I just wanted to meet Wallace,

and you all seem like such a great team on the show.

I just wanted to be a part of it.

I'd email Morris' company every week

so I can try and get involved, but...

Hey, and here we are.

Are you paying, Morris?

A lot?

Everything I have. And I borrowed a bit off Grandma.

Say, Snow, has anybody told you about the scanning machine yet?

No, what's that?

Well, it's just the machine we use

to scan the walls and the floors.

Oh.

Yeah, it's really useful for seeing through walls and floors.

But what about your X-ray machine?

Sometimes we have to make props to appease Wallace.

Poppy and I have gotten really good

at using whatever happens to be laying around.

There are restless spirits down here.

Probably victims of the Vietnam Nazi killing machine

from Mars.

Nope, no killing machine from Mars, Vietnam, or the US.

Yeah, I forgot. You've been everywhere.

Ah, Chet! X-ray that wall with haste!

We may have finally found Tutankhamun's resting place!

Oh, dear God.

Sorry, Wallace, that's a negative.

Well, are you sure? Measure it again.

Ah, dang it!

X-rays never lie.

Ah, buttons.

Well, he has gotten better since then.

With the history, I mean, we've still got a few shoe boxes laying around.

Yeah, well, that's broken.

Oh.

I'm gonna start off over there, make my way around.

All this stuff, what is all this crap anyway?

Antiques, I'm not sure.

-Just throw it all out. -No, it's probably really valuable to somebody.

Besides, it adds some "ambiance."

Thinking of hurting myself.

"Ambiance"?

Anyway, how are you and Chet doing?

Fine.

What do you think about Snow?

Well, it's January in New York...

The "producer"?

Oh, I didn't mean to look up her skirt. I didn't see her tuppence.

I just don't think it's right for someone

to think they can buy their way into anything.

What, like a movie theatre?

No. If you want to be part of this,

then it should be based on merit and tenacity,

not on whether or not you have money.

It removes the integrity and leaves things open for corruption.

Yeah, no, right.

Money has evil roots,

or roots for evil money.

Who's our sponsor for this, by the way?

-Uncle Morris said he had somebody. -It's KFC,

so don't forget to mention them when you begin.

What, so the world's biggest fried chicken magnate

loves my show, whatever, no biggie.

The spirits, they are telling me.

Watch Wallace Peebles Paranormal Inspectre on the Hokum Channel,

and get yourself some KFC to munch on

as you witness the spewing truth.

KFC is the only chicken

tasty enough to exorcise us.

Cut there.

Oh, I thought that was great.

Yeah, it's not that KFC.

Action, Wallace.

Ugh. Wallace Peebles Paranormal Inspectre

is brought to you by Ken's Fancy Cheese of Gelfin,

where they have "not just murican."

All right?

Well, I like fancy cheese, so...

Fu...

Have you shot anything yet?

Only the promo, but we've been setting up cameras all day,

and we're gonna run them overnight to see if we can catch anything.

You will do.

I really hope so.

No, listen to what I said.

You will do.

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Let's say you're here for a week. Nothing happens, then what?

-Oh, well, I guess... -That's blown your money

I can't offer the sponsors any action.

Then the network won't take the show

if it's just Captain Dipshit wandering around grabbing his forehead.

Captain?

-Oh, you mean Wallace. -Wallace.

So, unless something happens,

all we have is a bloody expensive home video.

Do you see, love?

So something had better happen.

Oh my God!

Wallace, what are you doing?

I'm getting out of here.

This place is bloody haunted.

Whoa there, son!

What on earth are you talking about?

This is exactly what you were looking for.

-Didn't you see? -We all saw it.

We need to make sense of it now. We need to investigate it.

-Can't she do it? -She is gonna disappear along with her money

if you don't start acting like a real paranormal inspector.

Come on.

Oh my God.

Ugh, you gotta see this.

Ha, ha, ha, that was my joke

and you fell for it, Snow.

Ha-ha, you've been hazed.

He sleep walks all the time.

I'm surprised we didn't get a Wallace "sleep shit" on camera.

That furniture though.

And the noises.

You're a sleep shit!

I know that wasn't Wallace.

Not the, the pee-pee stuff. That was him.

I mean the chair and the table.

Oh, that was Snow.

Not my first rodeo, kids.

Oh.

Progress?

Oh, hi.

I asked you a question.

Uh, well, I haven't really had time to...

I need this done.

I need everything taken care of by the end of the week.

My buyers lose interest very quickly.

It's a risky business.

Aaaaaaah!

Ow, fuck.

Do we understand one another?

Chet, are you okay?

I thought I heard you talking.

Yeah, I was just singing.

Okay, don't give up your day job.

My day job, my day job, yes good.

Why did you?

Because I'm a bad motherfucker.

Now, I've made some peanut butter cookies,

share with your friends, and check for allergies,

and if you mention me, I'll fucking kill you.

And stay out of room 66.

Hi, Wallace.

Are you hungry? I could fix you something.

-No, I barely ever eat. -Okay, well, I hope you won't hate me

if I pass on messages from Morris.

He asked me to.

You better get Chet to do it.

I will definitely shout, and I might pull your hair.

Okay, well, he told me you would say that,

and if you did, he wanted me to put bees in your pockets.

Of course, I never would. I mean, where would you find bees in January?

Beehive.

Okay, there is one urgent thing.

Apparently, someone is filing

a verbal assault charge against you.

Did you tell an old lady to shove her peanuts

up her dirty asshole in a children's play park?

Oh my God, it was a petting zoo.

She was feeding squirrels.

I asked her if I could have one. The miserable bag said no.

So... I hadn't eaten for hours.

Well, an hour then. My blood sugar was zero.

Okay, well, apparently, she had acute angina, and her grandchildren were upset

because she didn't have any pants on... probably.

Oh, I suppose everybody else just wears

woolly trousers in mid-July heat.

Oh, America.

And how am I supposed to know how cute her "vangina" is?

I don't even care.

I'll tell Morris you'll keep your pants on.

I don't know what the world's coming to.

I really don't.

I know.

Sometimes, I think I'm the only one who...

Wallace...

I've watched every piece you've ever done, even the ones on MySpace.

Wallace, you and I have a lot in common.

Okay, I hope you don't mind.

But...

I lost my parents when I was young as well.

And my sister hates me like your uncle Morris hates you.

An odious minge.

That's what she called me the last time I saw her.

It does sound like Morris.

You know, it was in the doctor's office

when I was getting treated for depression.

I'm all good now, though.

Thanks to you.

Me?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, even though I never met you,

you were like a best friend to me.

I was on all your adventures with you.

I waited for weeks until I can see

another one of your shows again.

Sometimes, I was your only viewer.

And I never wrote anything in the comments section. I was too shy.

Well, I never read those anyway.

I know.

Those people are horrid.

So cruel.

Hey, when you said that you first got

into paranormal investigating

because you wanted to make contact with your parents,

I just thought that was the sweetest thing.

Anyhow, thank you, Wallace.

Thank you for being my inspiration and my best friend.

Very welcome.

And just know that you can count on me, no matter what.

When you're in the public eye, famous... whatever,

You get the odd weirdo who thinks

they can just hook onto your success.

I mean, the guy in my position has got to ask himself,

is a chick interested in me or my international fame

-and success? -Do you?

Yeah.

But Snow's the real deal. She's actually paying to be my friend.

Now you can't ask for a more dedicated

and stable person than that.

Did you ever make contact with your parents?

Ah, probably moved.

Okay, Wallace, we need to be ready after sunset to head down to the basement.

We're gonna start there and work our way up one floor per night.

-Will you be there? -Of course, I'll be there, everybody will.

By the way, where's Chet? He keeps disappearing.

Oh, I saw him tapping on the walls and floor, looking for voids, I imagine.

Oh, and I looked up those scanning machines that he asked about.

They are very expensive.

What scanning machines?

To see through walls and floors.

Listen, Snow, we conduct our business on perseverance and grit.

We don't rely on flashy machines and showmanship like all the other charlatans.

This is Wallace's team.

So if there are any enquiries to be made,

they need to go through me, okay?

Okay then, sorry.

Yeah, Snow, if that's even your real name.

No, Wallace, I think that is her real name.

I was just letting her know that I am the boss.

Of my show.

If you wanna buy something, Chet,

there's a procedure and you have to go through me.

I haven't even gotten a figure in for Morris yet,

but I can guarantee it's not gonna be enough

for us to go buying expensive equipment.

No, I asked Snow if she would buy it.

You can't do that.

Damn it, Chet, she's not your grandmother at a candy shop.

Anything she spends has to be reconciled by the show.

And if the show doesn't do well, then we are the ones paying it back.

Besides, what happened to the owners that are paying us something?

I don't think they'll actually give us anything until we're done.

So the show has to do well, because if it doesn't, we are over.

We are dead in the water.

We have to make this great and we have to do it for as little as possible.

Okay, well, what if we had an angle?

Paranormal investigation is an angle, that's what we do.

I know, but what if,

and I'm just off the top of my head here,

if we were searching for maybe some,

I don't know, some jewels?

Yeah, like the long lost Irish crown jewels,

and they're hidden somewhere in this warehouse.

It's haunted with ghosts and everything.

That is absolutely ridiculous, Chet.

It sounds like a freaking kids show.

I know, right? It could be awesome.

It would help sell the show, I know,

but do I wanna be part of that?

I know it looks like a bunch of idiots chasing after ghosts,

but actually, it's just a few idiots

and an academic studying them.

For me, this is a forum so I can do my work.

I mean, where does it end?

Morris would want me doing it in a bikini, I'm sure.

Oh, oh, yeah, yes, yes, yes, I could accommodate that.

Yeah, maybe you could like, sex it up a bit, give it a little pizzazz.

Nope, we don't need to do that.

So it could be kind of a motivation

for all of us being here.

There's some sort of treasure hidden inside the building.

Guarded by spirits, what we're gonna need to do

is cleanse the space and retrieve the treasure.

What kind of treasure?

Well, it could be anything, we decide that.

Could be jewels, you know, probably jewels.

Hidden in the walls and the floors.

Well, how do we know it's there?

Well, we could write something in,

I mean, whether it's based on a legend

that we're picking up on.

So there might be some jewels.

Well, I mean, we should definitely look for them.

-You know, for real though. -Yeah, we need to stay authentic.

Are you all high? Are there jewels or not?

No, Wallace, in real life there are no jewels.

Poppy is just saying that for the show.

We could just pretend that they are

so more people would watch the show

and we will get more success.

We can make more shows with more money.

No? Okay.

It's a bit like Christmas, okay?

It's actually a religious holiday for Christians,

but most people think of Santa Claus and shopping for presents

so that everyone in the capitalist society

can really benefit from people's beliefs.

People love magic.

There isn't really a downside.

Except for the people that feel like

their beliefs have been exploited.

But that's an acceptable loss.

You see, capitalism doesn't care about them.

So it succeeds in evolutionary terms.

The vast majority benefit while a tiny minority grumble a little.

Wallace, all we are doing is giving the audience a Santa Claus.

And we still have the true meaning of Christmas.

An acceptable loss.

Snow isn't an idiot.

So do I get presents?

-No, I've already sold it. -So this wouldn't give you any more markets to try?

No, we're on the Hokum Channel. Deal done.

Okay, what if we, what if there's actual jewels, huh?

-You ever think of that? -What if I sacked you and got a real cameraman?

Okay, Morris, I know this is an inconvenience for you.

We get it. But for us, this has to work.

We have to give ourselves the best chance.

And isn't it true that searching for treasure

in a haunted location is a much better hook than just some phony ghost show?

Hey!

I suppose. But I've done the deal.

So how about we shoot the show as normal,

but take the extra footage and recreate the narrative?

Like an alternative edit.

A Wallace cut.

Shut your face, Dick Splash.

This special could come out later in the year,

two shows for the price of one.

Would you need more crew?

Well, we have the mini cameras.

We could run those all the time.

Aaah, go on then.

-Thank you, Morris. -Maybe we could bump Wallace off

in an industrial accident at the end.

Well, no, we're gonna need him for more shows.

Well, just maim him then. Burn his hand or something.

Burn his hand off. Burn his hand off, then he can have a hook hand.

That'll look brill in the artwork and such, won't it?

Oh, Morris?

Breaking up. Oh, see.

Later.

I expect you'd probably think I'm a bit harsh on Wallace.

But the truth is, I have to be.

With him being such a cunt.

Greetings, believers.

New York, 1907. An Irish freighter ship docks in the docks.

A stowaway onboard disembarks off board with an Irish hoard.

An Irish hoard!

Behind me is the place where the stowaway would go away.

A huge bonded warehouse that was soon to become the hiding place for...

the Irish crown jewels.

Now, although that story was a load of "crap"

that I "made up," we have it on great authority

that this location is in fact not only

the final resting place for the Irish crown jewels,

but also the tricky bastard that stole them.

I mean he's dead.

And his ghost haunts this building and guards the jewels.

There is absolutely no evidence to suggest

that the jewels did not arrive here in the manner

that to which I have just suggested and indeed said.

So join me now as my team and I delve into the unknown.

Chet is our camera and technical wiz.

Poppy is our sceptic, hot science chick.

This is Snow.

You know when he's on it, he's on it.

So we're starting at the lowest level

and we're gonna go through each one methodically

throughout the entire building

to check for paranormal activity.

And we're starting in the most likely place

because it's thought the witches may have been hanged here

as part of the 19th century Salem Witch Trials.

No, again Wallace, that was Salem

in the 17th century.

Mmm.

I'm getting a very sulphurous smell.

Um, kind of like... ...pungent.

Maybe somebody's got a little bit excited

and made a rude smell with their bottom.

Okay, so we're gonna make our way over to the old...

Hey, you guys want some noodles?

Wallace I think there's a spicy shrimp left.

Poppy he's done it again.

He's done it again, Poppy, he's ruined another shot.

He's ruined another one of my investigations.

Guys.

You need to see this.

I've had enough of Wallace's flip outs.

Wallace.

So, Snow did this weird calming technique

that seemed to soothe Wallace so that we could get back to the show.

I'm a psychiatric nurse. Thanks for asking.

-This isn't a joke, right? -No, it's a warning.

-You didn't touch it, did you? -God, no.

Let me do some tests on that and see if we can get any answers.

Tests, what tests?

Wow, forensics, I love it.

Forensics? What are you talking about?

Oh, man, I didn't know we were rolling.

Well, we'll have to do it again now, aren't we?

-Sorry. -Does anybody know what gets fake blood out?

-Oh, no, it's real. -Christ, it might have fucking rabies!

Hey, shut up, Wallace.

Who's there?

Wallace?

He's very good at it.

What?

What?

What do you want with my soul?

Is this, is this Ethel?

Is she Satan?

What if I say no?

I'll just go. Let me just go. I'll leave. I'll leave tonight.

-Come on. -Is there anything up there?

Uh, no, I haven't found anything yet,

but I was, I had to, uh,

-shit! -Thanks for the intel.

You should probably keep that to yourself.

Good morning, team. Look who I found dropping off a lovely selection of hats.

This is Marjorie, everybody, and she's the owner.

Hello, everybody. I just wanted to make sure you were warm enough.

Hi, Chet.

Hi

Now, I hope you don't mind,

but I made some chocolate chip cookies.

I used real flour and butter,

so if anybody's vegan or needs to avoid gluten,

well, I can make some new ones, you know, without the, um...

Oh, thanks, Marjorie, that's really kind,

we're just looking at some of last night's footage. Do you wanna have a look?

Oh, if you don't mind. Although I don't know,

if this old heart can take too much excitement.

Actually, it doesn't really look like we captured a whole lot.

We are having a seance tonight, so if you wanna come out later.

-Ooh, fancy. -Yeah, Wallace is going to attempt to make contact

with the spirits, aren't you, Wallace?

-Big time. -He's got nerves of steel,

spending the night in this haunted warehouse all alone

with just the ghosts for company.

-Um... -We'll be outside in a truck monitoring,

so if you'd want to come by.

Oh, thank you so much for asking,

but I can't let down the ladies at Gin Rummy.

Besides, I've had my fill of ghosts from this place.

Oh, of course. Well, don't worry, Marjorie, because you hired the right team

-to get the spooks out of here. -And find the treasure.

Oh, Chet texted me about your new angle for the show.

-I mean, I think it's super. -Oh, okay.

-We probably should have asked you first. -Oh, don't you worry now.

This place is full of so much history, so many secrets.

I wouldn't be surprised if there were

a treasure hidden here some place.

But do not go into room 66.

It's dangerous in there.

There's exposed electrics and the floor is missing.

Just don't go in there.

Nay, nay, and thrice, nay.

We're gonna be right outside, Wallace.

I don't give a shiny shite. I'm not doing it.

And we're gonna be in radio contact the entire time.

Why are you so worried?

What about that bat?

Somebody or something had to stab that bat.

And you can bet my gibbous nut sack like I'll be next

because they always go for the celebrity first.

I don't have any answers about the bat,

but we have to film the seance tonight.

We cannot do a Wallace Peebles Show without one.

Well, why do you have to be outside? Why can't you be up here with me?

Jesus, Wallace, you're the one always going on

about interference and wanting to work alone.

Why are you getting cold feet now?

Stabbed bat.

And also that CCTV stuff, the furniture falling over.

All that, what about that?

-Yeah, and I have something as well. -Shut up, Chet.

I've indulged you long enough, Wallace.

Are you a legitimate investigator

or just some fame-hungry, hackneyed charlatan?

Paranormal Inspectre, spelled T-R-E.

-It's my thing. -Oh, I can think of a dozen inspectors

who would love to stay the night in this haunted house and film a seance.

Why aren't you on that list?

I've seen you do far scarier things than this, Wallace.

Remember the old colonial house with the angry mistress?

Yeah, we made that up.

No, we didn't, Wallace.

Just some of them.

All right, all right, look, everybody just chill.

We're all losing our minds here.

So, sometimes we may have embellished

the truth a little bit.

But it was purely for entertainment purposes.

It was no different than what we're doing now

with the whole hidden treasure idea.

Or like tying fishing line to furniture

and pulling it over.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

But the thing is, we are paranormal investigators,

ghost hunters.

We seek the truth and it is out there.

And we've often found things

that we simply cannot explain.

Wait, the furniture? That was you?

You got me, oh, awesome work.

The vampire as well?

And that cartoon mouse, how did you do that?

That was amazing.

Morris said I should do it.

He said that if I didn't make something happen,

that the show would fail, I would lose my money,

and the show wouldn't get finished.

I thought that Wallace would be ruined.

He said that to you?

How much money have you paid Morris, Snow?

Altogether, including what I borrowed from Grandma.

342...

Thousand?

No, dollars.

He held 250 for production fees,

so we have a $92 budget left.

So we have enough for lunch.

Wallace, can you hear me, over?

Wallace, are you nodding?

We can't see you, over.

I am nodding, over?

Wait, you can't see me?

No, but we can hear you though.

And just so you're aware,

we're gonna be able to view this footage later.

Mm-hmm, of course.

Okay, great, are you ready, over?

For what?

Are you ready to start the seance?

I am not, over.

Wallace, we believe in you.

We were just discussing that despite everything,

and no matter how desperate we are,

we can rely on you to bring it home

when it matters the most.

Remember, Wallace, you were always my inspiration.

I'm always on your side, no matter what.

Over.

Can you smell eggs?

Oh, hey, big guy.

You ready to go play with some ghosties and ghoulies, over?

Chester, I was born to play with ghoulies.

Over.

Are there any spirits present?

I respect your territory and your power,

but I wish to communicate with you.

Come on, don't be shy.

Well, if you can't be bothered then why should...

Fuck me.

What was that, Wallace? What can you see?

A scream.

A really, really loud scream.

Can you see anything?

I can't move.

I don't wanna move, I don't like it.

Hey, Wallace, do you think that you could say over

after you're done speaking?

It's just good radio etiquette.

Shut up, Chet.

Wallace?

Wallace?

Something's here.

Something's here, something's coming.

Wallace?

Something's attacking me, something...

What does it look like?

Is it a greyish blue monster with really sharp teeth

like a vampire, a scary kind?

No, not the teenage girls think I'm misunderstood kind.

What is it with you and the vampire?

I was trying to tell you that.

Something's here.

Oh, God, no, over.

Wallace, are you okay? Wallace, we have no visual over.

There's something here, over

Wallace, turn one of the cameras around.

What?

We only have two cameras

and they're both pointing at Wallace.

You gotta be kidding me, Chet.

This is an actual real haunting taking place

and you don't have a camera on it?

No, I just figured if something would happen,

he would turn them around himself.

We need two angles of him for the edit.

He's the talent, Chet. You can't expect him to think.

Why only two cameras?

Someone forgot to charge the batteries last night.

-Me. -If you ruin this, Chet, I will never forgive you.

Sorry, I have a lot on my mind. I had a really terrifying experience last night.

This is not the time to play victim, Chet.

Fix this.

Wallace, pick up one of the cameras off of the table

and turn it around, over. Wallace!

Wallace! Shit! Over

I'm going in.

No, wait, we just have to let this play out.

He could be in danger. He's not answering.

Okay, let's go.

Well, I have to run the cameras and the sound.

Damn it, Chet, put your shoes on.

Damn it, Wallace.

So do you remember anything, Wallace?

I saw something. Something diabolical.

And it came from me, over.

Did it say anything? Anything that you could make out?

Just something like...

Wallace... we respect who you are, dude.

But we're gonna bite your face off and shit

if you don't pass out from our supernatural powers.

And spill a little bit of pop on your trousers by the groin area.

Over.

Oh, who doesn't let a few drops go

when they're alarmed? I know I do.

And then you fainted.

Passed out.

I'm getting hot. Is anybody else hot? Over.

You don't have to keep saying "over," we're not talking on the radio anymore.

Let me take your hat off.

Wallace, you're an absolute hero.

Unfortunately, Chet really let us down

with the cameras because we only have footage of you.

We don't have any footage of this entity.

So we should probably all line up and take turns punching him then?

-In the balls? -Oh, my gosh, I said I was sorry, okay?

I just... I figured he was gonna...

Look, we still have sound!

What are you laughing at, you wanker?

Yeah, what's so funny, Chet?

Sorry, I... I must... I must still be in shock.

Wallace, can I get you anything?

Uh, perhaps some hot chocolate?

It's hardly a time for sweet treats, Chet.

I've just had a near-death experience, jeez.

You must keep up your strength, though.

Guys, stop fussing. I'm a paranormal inspectre.

This is my jam, dogs.

Go on then, I'll just have an extra-large one.

Extra-large, you got it.

With whipped cream, plenty of whipped cream.

Yeah, I don't think we have any...

And marshmallows.

Whipped cream, marshmallows, and that's it.

And sprinkles. Whipped cream, marshmallows, and sprinkles. That's all.

Okay, fine.

Looks like I'm finding another all-night store. Again.

And a Butterfinger.

Yeah!

-King size. -Yeah! Yeah!

Stupid.

See how easy it is to get to your friends, Chet?

I don't see a whole lot of searching going on.

The clock is ticking.

Why don't you tell your friends there really is treasure here?

Get them to work around the clock.

Of course, I'll have to kill them later, but you won't mind.

You'll have five million dollars.

Everybody has their price, Chet.

Where are you going this time of night?

-I got to go. -Oh!

You're on a bitch run!

What? Your friends got the munchies so they sent Chet bitch out for snacks?

You fucking pussy!

Well, you better zip up. It's freezing out.

Got some schmutz on your face.

Ah, no! Ah!

-You can't go out like that. -Alright, okay, alright!

Ugh!

Mouse.

Mouse, you there?

Mouse.

Come on out.

I got some yummy chocolates for you, Mouse.

You can come out. It could just be you and me.

We could just talk. You don't need the other guy.

Oh, crap! You don't have to be here!

Mouse, where are you?

Wait, wait, wait. I've got a better idea.

What if I get you three souls? Mmm?

So, you get three souls,

I get the jewels and I get to keep mine.

One of them is a PhD student.

One of them has fleeced thousands

into believing in the paranormal.

No, he did it for his own egotistical and financial gain.

That makes him a sinning fraud.

Eye? Doesn't he have two.

I don't want that.

So, the darker the soul, the higher the value?

Can I have that in writing?

I don't think so.

Okay, hold on.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid it's a bit, uh...

So we're agreed.

Come on, you gotta be around here somewhere.

Chester!

Ah! What?

What can I do for you, buddy?

Buddy, what are you, some kind of American?

Yeah?

I see.

Do you need something?

Since my near-death experience,

I've decided to live every day as if it were my last.

So I've come up here to punch you in the face!

Okay.

Can I ask why?

Touche, Chet

Touche.

A worthy adversary indeed.

I gave Wallace a little something to help him sleep.

It might have sent him around the bend.

He'd been asleep for about an hour

when I heard him rummaging under the bed.

I thought he was maybe going to need the bathroom,

but he pulled out a hobby horse.

I've never seen anything like it.

I told Poppy and she was like, "Look it up, it's a thing."

Seriously, you should look it up, though. My God.

Nobody seems to know how he got so skilled at it.

Unfortunately, he wet himself at the end of the routine, and then laid down in it.

Again.

I've taken him back to bed. I think I should probably lock his door for a few hours.

Maybe a few days.

What you got there, Chet?

Nothing. Uh...

I was just, uh,

thinking about putting a camera in the...

floor.

What the hell for?

Uh, you know...

different angles...

dynamic.

So Wallace is acting weird.

Really?

Well, stranger than usual.

Yeah.

It seems that Snow smashed his brain to bits with Ketamine.

It came as a surprise to me, too.

It wasn't Ketamine. It was Valerian Root.

I'm sure it was.

I'm fairly sure it was Valerian Root.

Is he gonna be okay?

Yeah, he'll be fine. We've locked him in his room for now.

Alright, I'm gonna...

get back to it. Floor cameras.

Chet.

What? Fuck!

Sorry.

I just wondered if...

Oh, it doesn't matter.

What is it Snow? What do you want?

I just wondered if...

you have had lunch.

No. Is that all?

Well, I'm pretty busy here, so...

Okay, then. Bye!

Yes, something's going on. That's why it's weird.

Oh! No way!

Oh. Oh, man.

It's the Irish Crown Jewels.

To be sure.

And you can tell, because some of them are green.

Time to hand them over.

I found them. I found the jewels and I'm in time, right?

Oh, I think you're all out of time.

But you said...

I said I was a bad motherfucker.

Do you not understand what that means?

Well, I just...

I thought I'd also be a bad motherfucker.

I hate those things.

Oh my God! Mouse!

No, it's an octopus.

I don't think you have what it takes to be a bad motherfucker.

I'm gonna kill you and your friends

and then I'm gonna sell these jewels.

With a knife? You're gonna kill all four of us with a knife?

You're like a senior citizen. Don't you have a gun?

Oh, try getting a permit in New York, my God!

But you're a criminal.

Shut up! Or I'll...

I mean... I'm gonna...

What's the matter, Marjorie? Bat got your tongue?

Oh, wait, hold on. You gotta see the bit

from earlier first or none of this is gonna make any sense.

It's been such a long night. Maybe we should all just turn in.

Wallace, would you like me to sleep in your room tonight?

I feel like someone should keep an eye on you.

Yeah, probably a good idea after my near-death experience.

Hope I don't get possessed or something, geez!

Okay, I'll get my air bed.

Don't look at my willy, though.

Hey, Pop?

Mm-hmm?

Listen, I know I really messed up, okay?

But I've been trying to tell you all day, I had a haunting last night.

These two... things? They came into my room and they said they want my soul.

-What soul? -Come on, Poppy, I'm being serious!

-This really happened! -Why would they want your soul? There's three others here.

Okay, well... that's the other thing.

Don't get mad.

Too late.

-Okay, you know the... owner lady? -Marjorie.

Yeah, but her name's not Marjorie, it's Ethel.

And the jewels... they're real.

She's the one that sent me searching for them in the first place.

See, she's not really the landlord of this place. The owners? They disappeared.

And yeah, that's why I brought us up here.

That's how I came up with the whole jewel idea to begin with.

And I know what you're gonna say, okay? I'm a terrible person, but...

I was gonna share all of this with you guys.

Probably.

Okay, I wasn't! But if I don't find these jewels

in less than a week, she's gonna kill me!

Because I know too much, and her buyers are gonna disappear.

And the whole haunting thing?

Well, that happened because I was searching for these jewels.

See, these things? They like... protect them.

And I think they're trying to leave or something? I don't know.

They just said if I give them my soul when I die, I get to keep the jewels.

Pop, what do I do?

Okay, first things first.

Even in your made-up stories, Chet, you're a shit-heel.

It's not made up! I'm telling the truth! Look what happened to Wallace!

Which we couldn't see.

God damn it, I know! Okay, I'm sorry!

But this is real!

I know I've done some really screwed up things in the past.

And I hung out with all the wrong crowds, and...

I've fallen into something stupid again.

But you don't understand.

Wallace and I were on the outs. I didn't know what to do.

I didn't have any place to go. We were family.

Okay. But don't breathe a word of this to Wallace, okay?

Sure.

Have you looked in your Room 66?

Yeah, so, Pop and I head over to Room 66,

and she's like, "Chet, we're not supposed to go in here!"

And I'm like, "Pfft, Pop, chill, whatever, brah!"

And she's like...

No! What if those things are in there?

-What things? -The ghouls that are after me. One of them's

this big scary vampire with glowing eyes and messed up teeth.

What about the other one?

He's like a mouse. He's kinda ratty looking.

A vampire and a mouse?

Well, when you say it like that.

It's locked anyway.

So it turns out skeleton keys are a real thing.

Who knew?

Marjorie is watching.

It's Ethel! There is no Marjorie!

-She killed Mouse! We have to get the hell out of here! -We can't just leave her!

She killed Mouse! We have to go! The devil's gonna get us!

I can make an anonymous call to the police later.

Oh, yeah! I'll grab the jewels!

-Chat, those are fake, you moron! -Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Ah, damn, so no jewels and no show!

Look, if we turn on all the cameras, something big might happen.

We can come back later and pick up the footage.

Surely there's enough to finish the show if we just have a spectacular finale.

Did someone say... "Spooktacular Finale"?

-Over? -Is he still baked?

Get the shot, Chet.

Oh.

Go on, Wallace. Give us your magic.

Spirits...

We recognise your power, and we respect your habitat.

That shrew in the cupboard, killed a living thing,

We ask you to show yourself in the name of...

all that is evil.

Shush, harlot! Did she ruin my shot?

I said, "Shut your fat gob!"

That wasn't there before was it?

Holy fucking shit, Wallace!

Close the door, we got to get out of here!

Uh, hey, we're all square, right?

I brought you a soul darker than mine, and I don't even have the jewels, so...

We're all set?

Okay, bye!

I'm sorry about Mouse. That wasn't even me. That was her too.

Mouse?

Nope. Don't want to see that.

The jewels! Begorrah!

Did we just do a deal with the devil?

I just spoke to Morris and he asked

if you could get all the footage from room 66.

Oh, and if we could burn the place to the ground with Wallace still in it.

Snow you should probably keep that to yourself.

Sorry.

So there was enough for us to make a show.

With all the footage from room 66.

I mean, good entertainment is good entertainment even without big Hollywood names, right?

It was pretty funny that Ethel was the one who gave us a show.

It's called irony, Chet.

Of course, we're sending the crown jewels

back to their rightful home in Ireland.

But first, they're going to spend a little bit of time

in a museum at my university.

Maybe a year or two.

On a completely unrelated note,

I'm up for professorship. I have tenure now.

So I don't have to spend any more time with these idiots.

Well, guys, I guess this is it.

Morris has got me a job in the big apple, so...

A big apple, I said.

It's the mascot costume at Fanny's Fruit Pies.

Oh.

Really? It's like that, huh?

I'm so grateful to have met you, Wallace.

I wish we could go on more adventures together.

What will you do?

Well, I'll go where I'm needed.

Oh, thank you, Poppy.

Hey!

I was just saying,

I'll probably walk the Earth, go where I'm needed.

See you all on the flip side.

Should we go and help?

No, he has to learn to pick himself up.

Alone.

Ah. Maybe next time.

What's that smell?

Oh, come on. Wallace,

the one pile of dog crap in the whole park.