All language subtitles for Universal Basic Guys s02e11 Two Marks.eng

Woo, damn, yo,
look at those portals.

Yo, these things
are the portals, right?

- Yes, these are the gates.
- Oh, gates, yeah, gates, sorry.

Man. What do these run you
like 500K or something?

The budget for this project is
over a billion dollars.

Who is this guy again?

My neighbor, Mark.

Do you have any final
questions before you begin?

So uh, is this uh, like a
worm hole situation or what?

No. We scan all your
molecules and rebuild

you atom-by-atom
in the other gate.

Then the original you
is vaporized.

Gotcha. Gotcha.
So I gotta ask here so,

is this like, you know...
[mumbles]

What's he asking now?

I think he's asking about
a Super Bowl ticket?

Why?

How do you think we got
him to do this?

He wants to know if the field
pass if for the whole game

or just for warm-ups.
- It's just for pre-game.

He'll be in the stands
for the game.

[mumbles]

He says he wants to be somewhere

with a good view
of the F-35 flyover.

Is this guy for real?

Hey, Mark.

Ay, yo, Andrea!
That's my neighbor.

I thought we discussed this.

Well I didn't realize I was
like, you know...

getting vaporized over here.
So I feel like a field pass

during the game is pretty fair.

Mark, we'll work it out later.

Alright cause I'm taking a
pretty big risk here, okay.

I've seen The Fly.
For all I know I could come out

the other end,
the size of a fly.

That's not what
happens in The Fly.

Wait, so what am I thinking of
then, where they... shrink?

- Honey, I Shrunk The Kids?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Mark! Are you in or out?

You'll get to meet Jason Kelce.

Can we get a meet-and-
greet with Jason Kelce?

Sure.

Okay, we're good here.

Roger that.
Initiation in 3-2-1...

[beep]

It worked.

Yooo damn, dude,
that was weird as hell.

Wait a minute...

Um... what is that?

Uh. Think we got
a situation here.

Yeah. Think you may
have cloned me.

? Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ?

? until them
robots came along, ?

? and now there is no
job for me, ?

? but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ?

? Thanks to UBI. ?

? Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ?

? It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ?

? We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ?

Uh, why the hell are my knees
bending the wrong way?

Those are your elbows, they're
just in the wrong place.

So is that... me?

More of less. I mean,
it appears that even

though teleportation
was not fully achieved,

the atom transference
was initiated,

and as such,
we created what we call

a physiological aberration.

I see, okay, so it's like, what,
like Danny DeVito in Twins?

No.

Again we sincerely apologize
for this... inconvenience.

Obviously these things happen,
which is something you

legally acknowledged
when you signed the waiver.

Are you kidding me?!
So now what?

There's just gonna be some freak
version of me walking around?

Oh, no. I wouldn't think of this
"Aberrant Mark" as you.

He's... more of a misassembled
collection of your cells.

Sort of like a... talking tumor.

- Yo, I feel like I gotta pee,
but uh, I feel it in

my shoulder blade here...

Hmm, I'm not sure where your
urethra ended up.

Tell ya what, just start
going and we'll

move the bucket when
we find out.

With all his organs
reshuffled, his body will

likely see his functioning
within a few days.

And when he does you
just call this number

and a team will come out with
our acid truck to dispose of it.

Whoa whoa, wait a second-

so first you create this thing,
now you're telling me

I've gotta take it back to my
house and wait for it to die.

When possible, we try to
avoid having anyone

technically die on our property.

Alright well, can't you just,
put him on roller skates and

push him down a driveway
into traffic?

What if we get you
that parking pass?

Done.

Hey hun.
- Hey hun.

Ah! What the hell?!

It's okay, Tam. He's just a
mess up clone thing.

- No, I'm not. You're
the frickin' clone, pal.

What did you do?!

Relax. It's fine. I just
volunteered for an experiment.

and I got a little rearranged.

Uh... I'm sorry?
You what?

But the good news is,
they accidentally cloned me

so now we got this
able-bodied guy right

here to help out with stuff
around the house, right, pal?

Yeah, guy's a riot.

Yo clone,
can you deal with this?

I want to catch the last
period of the Flyers game.

Oh! Gah, yo!
Classic. Man...

Mark, what the hell
is going on?

Why are there two of you?

There's not two of me, Tam.

There's me,
and then there's that

glitchy scrambled eggs version
of my cells over there, okay?

It's not a big deal.

Are you telling me some
mutated version of your DNA,

is just gonna be hanging
out in our house from now on.

Tam, relax, okay.
This is a small price to

pay for a trip to
the Super Bowl.

You did this for a
frickin' Super Bowl ticket?

Uh, and a field pass
with VIP parking.

Oh, come on. What about
our Super Bowl party?

Oh Tam, this is a once-
in-a-life-time opportunity.

So you're telling me
you'd rather

go to the game alone than
be with your family and friends?

I am gonna to be with
family and friends, okay.

You ever heard of social media?

I'm gonna take a bunch of pics.
I'm gonna post them, so

it's basically like you're
right there with me.

In fact, it's like my whole-
all my friends are with me.

Ohh! Damn, dude!

Yo, clone!
you gotta see this hit.

Guy on a Bruins
just got obliterated.

His face looks like it went
through the frickin' teleporter!

Oho-yo, I mean come on, Tam.

I know it's weird but
the guy's pretty hysterical.

I mean yeah, sure,
I got my colon

threaded through my collarbone,

but at least I got this clone
here to run errands for me.

- Oh yeah!
I'm the clone?

Says the frickin' Picasso
over here.

Ay yo Hank, can you take this
knucklehead to the clone store

and return it for one with
a little less sass?

- Aha, that's funny!
Yo, that's pretty good, right?

Get outta here, dude.

Wait, uh... which one of you
is the real Mark?

Me, Hank.
- Me, Hank.

Look, I know I'm technically
on their health insurance,

but I think it's pretty
despicable of Humantis

to use untested equipment
on random citizens.

Nah, it's all good.
- Nah, it's all good.

I'm going to a frickin'
Super Bowl, baby!

- Is one of you Mark Hoagies?

Yeah. Over here/That's me.

I got a delivery for...

yous...

Ah. There it is, baby!
Super Bowl ticket.

Alright dude. Come on.
Very funny.

- Give me a ticket.
- You think I'm kiddin'?

I didn't get my organs
all jumbled up

so that my stinkin' clone could
go to the game.

- Hey, c'mon, dude.
- Get outta here, imposter!

Uh... Mark...s?

Yo, I got 20 bucks
on the mutant.

Ladies and gentlemen of
the jury, we are here

today because of Humantis'
reckless and barbaric decision

to test a dangerous
and unproven technology

on an easily-exploited,
feeble-minded man.

To make matters worse,

this company shamefully opted
to only provide

one single ticket to the game.

So today, you must decide

which of these two "Marks"
should go to the Super Bowl.

And we're gonna start with
the deformed- sorry...

the anatomically divergent Mark.

Hello everybody,

so um... I deserve the
ticket because I'm me.

I went to the lab thing,
I signed a frickin' form

and I came out all
jacked up, okay.

Then I look across the room,
and there's some-

this weird clone imposter
standing there, okay.

He can't be me because I'm me.

Thanks.

Compelling stuff.

And now for the
normal- uh, sorry...

the anatomically typical Mark.

Alright, this shouldn't
be that hard people,

look at this photo ID.

Do you see a head coming
out of my shoulder?

- No?
- Uh... no...

Okay well therefore,
I deserve the

ticket because I'm
obviously Mark.

Alright listen, I-
I don't know how

to prove that I'm not the clone,

but I've definitely got
the harder life, okay.

I'm the one who's gotta
pee out my belly button.

Ah, yeah, I was
wondering about that.

So yeah, it's sorta like a
Make-A-Wish situation, okay

Vote for me.

Oh come on,
this is ridiculous.

How is this even a question,
okay?

You're gonna give my ticket
to the frickin' talking tumor?

He's not even gonna live
long enough to use it.

Uh, what are you talking about?

Uh... nothing.

Uh, no. Don't "um nothing"
me, okay.

I know when I blurted out
something I shouldn't have.

Alright, fine, okay uh...

It shouldn't come as a
big surprise, but yeah,

the scientist said you only had
a few days to live so... sorry.

Alriiiight well, that was
quite a bombshell,

but we still have to vote,

so all in favor of giving
the ticket to this Mark,

raise your hand.

Wait, are you kidding m-
Oh my God, come on!

Okay, we have reached
the verdict.

Congrats!
You're going to the Super Bowl!

[awkward clap]

Hey you uh, you watching videos
of unlikely animal friends?

Yeah.

That's what I like to
watch when I'm feeling down.

Yep.

You wanna talk about it?

Nope.

C'mon dude. Cheer up, okay.

You're going to the
frickin' Super Bowl.

Yeah, if I even live that long.

Alright well, to be fair, we're
all gonna die. It's just...

y' know, you're gonna to do it
in the next few days.

Man, I got a
whole list of things

I wanted to do before I die.

Well, what's stopping you?

How the hell am I going to
go hang-gliding

across the Delaware River
dressed as George Washington

when I gotta frickin' foot
for a hand.

Alright well, I got hands for
hands, so maybe I can help you.

We can do it together. I
mean, it's my bucket list too,

might as well get
a head start.

Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
- Let's gooo!!

? [Ahhh... so let's go!
(Let's go!)] ?

? [Let's do all the things that
I wanna do with you!] ?

? [With me!]

? [Cuz I'm you! (You're me!)] ?

? [We're the same guy!]

? [Let's go! (Let's go!)]

? [I got it all mapped out.]

? [I'm a Make-A-Wish man and
I'm almost tapped out.] ?

? [Let's go!
(Let's go!)] ?

? [There's you and me] ?

? [And we're both gonna die]

? [but you're gonna die
immediately] ?

? [Let's go!]

Oh man, gotta say I wasn't
sure that riding in a

fighter jet was going to live
up to the hype,

but damn dude,
that Cobra Maneuver?

Man, that was unreal.

Yeah dude. Oh man, I
did kinda feel bad though,

when I puked all over the pilot,
but in my defense,

my stomach is wrapped around my
ribs like a French horn, so...

Alright, it looks like, yeah,
we've hit a lot of these.

Probably not gonna get
to "live in

San Diego for a couple decades."
But... Ooh, dude,

tomorrow's a biggie:

We got "hang gliding over
the Delaware River

dressed as George Washingtons."

Gotta admit, clone. This bucket

list thing was a
pretty sweet idea.

Yeah, you know,
you get so caught up in

stuff like spending time with
friends and family,

you forget the really important
things in life,

like running into a tornado
wearing a Zorb ball.

Yo, Mark! Could you help us
set up the tent?

You know, if we leave now,
we could probably knock off,

"teach all the parrots at
the pet store to say,

'Dallas sucks'" from the list.

Actually, y'know what, uh
why don't you go without me.

I gonna stay here and help out.
- Oh, uh... you sure?

Yeah, dude.
It's the least I could do for

all the stuff you've been
doing for me.

I mean, you could always give me
that Super Bowl ticket.

Honestly, I'm feeling
pretty decent.

I might actually make it to
the game after all.

Oh, uh... Great. Yeah.
That's great to hear.

Hey yo, Tam!
You need a hand with that?

Uh... yeah, actually.
That would be great.

- Here you go.
- Ah, thanks, bud.

Anything else I can help with?
- No, dude, I got this.

Why don't you go throw
some dogs on the grill

and watch the Flyers game.
- Oh. Uh. Hell yeah.

You're doing okay they're
Mutant Ma- I... I mean...

Tam, it's fine, okay. I'm
Mark and I'm also a mutant.

It works.

Sorry. I'm still getting used
to this whole "two Marks" thing.

Anyway, I'm running
to the supermarket

to get stuff for the party.
- Sounds good, hon.

Actually, you know what?

Is it cool if I come along?

Um... You wanna run
errands with me?

Yeah, I'd love to.

Oh, okay.

Oh man, he's pretty cool,
actually.

I really like this new Mark,
huh?

Haha. You know, I gotta say,
I'm impressed.

You didn't even buy
any squirtable cheese

or Twix-flavored puddings
or nothing.

Yeah, nah trying to eat healthy,
you know.

I wanna stave off the reaper
for as long as I can.

Wow. Look at you,
Mutant Mark Hoagies.

But, lemme tell ya, I'd
make an exception for

a little sneak preview of those

patented Tammy
Hoagies mini meatballs.

Ohoh, sure, hun. I didn't
realize you liked 'em.

Like 'em? I friggin' love them.
They're unbelievable.

Huh. You know you never
mentioned that to me before.

Yeah well, I should have.

There's actually a ton
of stuff you do that I love

and... probably should tell
you that more.

Thanks, hun.

The Hell?

Uh... Am I
interrupting something?

Yeah. You can give us a
hand with the bags.

Ah, it's all good. Don't worry,
Tam. I got it.

You know, I'm making
those mini-meatballs

for the party tomorrow.

Oh cool. Uh yo, did you
get any uh, any Twix pudding?

Tammy?

You gotta be frickin'
kidding me.

[phone dialing]

Humantis Biotech Containment
Services. This is Bill.

Hey Bill. So uh, I got this uh,

mutant clone thing that was
supposed to die but uh...

yeah it sort of hasn't

and now my whole family likes
it more to me, and uh,

on top of that, he's got
my Super Bowl tickets,

so yeah, is there
anything that-

No problem, sir.
We'll send our relocation

team to take care of
this immediately.

Awesome dude. Appreciate it.

Alright, uh, I got a Blueberry
and Sour Patch Kids

pancakes for my guy here.

No way! Thanks, Mark.

Hey, Mernft, you need
more bacon?

You're uh, wasting away
over there.

- No I'm good.
Yo David, you want pancakes?

Eh. I'm trying to cut
down on white flour.

Actually, they're whole grain.
I'm tryin' to eat clean.

Oh. Alright, well then
flapjack me up.

Heh Mark, why are you being so
cool all of a sudden?

Did your brain mutate too?

Let me tell you, okay,
coming face-to-face with

your own mortality,
will do that to ya.

Made me really appreciate
you guys.

- Here you go, hun.
- Ooho baby. Let's gooo!

Let me get in on this.
Mmm.

Ohoho!
You like it?

Do I like it?
I frickin' love it.

This is your best batch so far,
hands down.

Oh yeah, gimme some!
Yoo. There he is!

Hide your cherry trees!
It's Mr. Dolla Dolla, himself,

G-Dubz. Looking good, dude.

Uh. Are we still doing this
or what's going on, bud?

Hah nah nah. Rain check.
You got a bag to pack.

Car's gonna be here any minute
to take you to the airport.

Wait, uh. Uh... is this
what I think it is?

Sure is, bud.
Super Bowl ticket.

I want you to have it.

The memory will last a
lot longer with you.

Wow.
Thanks dude.

Ah it's all good.
If I'm on my way out,

I wanna spend whatever time

I have left with uh,
friends and family, so...

Yo there's like a fancy
black Escalade out front.

Oph, guess they're here early.

You might want to go
pack that bag.

Huh? What's this?

Dear Mark,
if you're reading this now,

you're on your way to
the Super Bowl.

I'm not sure if I'll be
around when you get back,

but either way,
I'll be out of your hair soon.

You do remember the one thing
we always said we'd

do if we went to the
Super Bowl, right?

Heh, get outta here...

Here's a battery to chuck
at the refs

his payback for the B.S.
defensive holding call

that cost us a Super Bowl
against the Chiefs.

Make us proud

Aw man. He's a good guy.
Wait a minute...

that means 'I'm a good guy.'

[phone]

Hey, what's up Mark?

Hey David uh, yo is
Andrea around or...?

No. I- I'm still at your place.
Why?

Oh uh, I was just wondering, if
you could just ask her

If the Humantis relocation
team can

find a way to relocate
Mutant Mark to San Diego,

I really appreciate that.
- Wait, what did you just say?

Oh it's just, y'know,
I always wanted...

We always wanted to live there,
so...

No, I mean, what did you say
about "relocating" Mutant Mark?

Oh yeah, I just called that
card that Jason gave me,

and uh, you know I
let them know that

Mutant Mark hadn't expired yet,

so they're gonna send a
team over to relocate him.

Oh, Mark. "Relocate" is a
Humantis industry term.

- It means kill!
- Oh, my God...

Hey sir. I need to get back
home, like, as soon as possible.

Yo! Hey driver!
Driver guy!... Or girl!

Hey. I'm here for a
"Mark Hoagies."

Uh... Yeah, um,
we're actually good,

we don't need you guys.
It was a mistake.

He died already.

He died?
Aw. Poor guy.

Just before going to
the Super Bowl.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm here to drive Mr.
Hoagies to the airport.

Oh my God.

Whoa. Is this like the
airport VIP entrance,

- uh, what's going on?
- Eh... Something like that.

Wait a minute...

Ow!
What the hell... ugh...

Gah! Jason's not picking up.
Ugh!

- Can you call someone else?!
- No. It goes to a call service.

I have to go down there.

I'm coming with you guys.

I don't know if that's
a good idea, Mark.

You are the mutant they're
supposed to kill.

- Relocate.
- Okay, Andrea.

C'mon, the guy is me, okay?
I can't not save myself.

My family needs a
healthy Mark around.

Damn. I'm blown away
by your selflessness.

Yeah you like, David, right?
Pretty selfless, eh?

Enough.
Let's go.

This guy's a mutant?
Looks kind of normal.

You sure? Look at his head.
It's like a giant thumb.

So how come you didn't just
kill me immediately?

Some legal B.S.

Believe me, if it we're up
to me, we would have.

I mean, speaking purely
from a PR perspective.

Andrea! What the hell?!
This is criminal!

Eh. It's a grey area.

Well, it's definitely immoral.

David, my Humantis paycheck
supports our whole life

Our house, your swim lessons,
our intamacy counselor.

No one knows how important those
swim lessons are more than me.

I feel totally confident in
the tub these days,

but this is a bridge too far.

[tires screech]

We're here.

The hell?

Yo! C'mon, what the
hell's going on?

Hey! Hey!

Sorry, mutant. You'll be
relocated shortly.

Uh, I'm sorry, what?

- Stop!
- Andrea? Mark?

Cancel this procedure. Now!

Sorry. That order has to
come from Jason.

What are you talking about?!

You're about to kill
an innocent person.

That's the mutant!

Andrea!
- Woah woah. Come on.

Hmm. Yeah, okay.
Bill, grab him.

Go go go go!

Hey. Listen, I'm really sorry

about the whole
relocation thing.

I had no idea it was
like a ah, murder situation.

Come on. Come on.

There! That's him.

- Which one?
- Are you serious?

Sorry, I have Full- Body
Agnosia.

It's a severe form
of face blindness

that extends to the
whole body.

[smack]
Boom. Headshot.

What the hell?

Why didn't you throw it at the
guy with the gun?

Ugh. I have to go lie down
and put pressure on it.

Wait was that the battery
I gave you?

You know it.

Shut up! Tell me who the
mutant is or I'll kill you both.

Whoa whoa hey listen,
I'm the mutant, okay?

This guy here,
he's the real Mark.

No no no.
I'm the mutant, okay.

He's the real Mark.

[ding]
It's here. Let's go.

Come on, come on...

[click, click]

Noooo!

No no no no!
Yeah, that's a bullet.

That is a bullet.

Well, guess I'm being
"relocated" after all.

No no, hang in there dude,
okay. Andrea, she told me

she can get you an
actual relocation,

to San Diego, okay?
Right Andrea?

Uh... yeah. Sure.
No problem.

Eh, it's fine.

It's just, calf-tattoos and
bad micro-breweries.

Why'd you do that, dude?

I mean, why'd you jump in front
of a bullet for me?

Because you got a lot
more life to live.

More to give to your friends
and your family, okay.

Don't take it for granted,
Mark.

Soak in every minute.
[cough, cough]

Just tell me... one... thing.

Yeah, buddy.
W- What is it?

Boom!
- Oof! Dude! Oh man...

You... little bitch.

Historical...

Uh, explain to me again why I'm
at a funeral for Mark.

- Oh, he's dead.
- He's literally right there.

Ahem.
I was a good man.

Smart. Funny.

Maybe not conventionally
handsome but

with an undeniable magnetism.

Mark, honey,
can we wrap this up?

The guys are here to
take the tent.

The one thing I taught
myself was this:

It's not about the
Super Bowls you attend,

or the score of the game or
that the Birds got screwed

in the Divisional Round because
some B.S. no call on an

obvious pass interference that
would have lead to the

gimmie field goal to put us
up by two,

it's about being here
with folks you love.

You guys here. You know, a
lot of people they don't know

about Mark's biggest
accomplishments, so

I'm gonna go ahead and
list them now.

Threw a perfect game in
MLB The Show 2021, uh,

was ranked South Jersey's #5
best hot dog salesman in 2014-

Okay, guys that's rude.

That's rude to leave right now,
okay. I'm eulogizing.

God, I hate this conference.

There's nowhere worse than
San Diego.

It's like someone gave ska
music its own city.

Uh, two horchatas please.

May I uh, make a recommendation?

You gotta hit up the
breakfast taco guy

at the end of the market.
It's unbelievable.

Oh. Thank you. I-

What the hell?

Told you I get him
a real relocation.

But... didn't you get shot
in the... chest?

So it turns out when my
organs got all mixed up,

my heart ended up in my thigh!

So when I got shot
in the chest,

it was actually uh, just uh-
it was in my butt, so...

anyway thanks again,
Andrea.

I'm gonna go uh, head to the
zoo for the monkey feeding.

? Monkey time.
It's monkey time. ?

? Gotta watch the monkey's
eat the food time. ?

? Monkey time.
It's monkey time. ?

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