All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S11E03.WEB.H264-13

JEREMY CLARKSON:
Tonight, how much passion
can you get for £1,000?

Oh, my God, the brakes!

How much soul can you get
for £1,000?

And how much pain
can you get for £1,000?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

Hello.

Now, most people
who can afford
a really expensive car

tend to be getting on a bit.

The problem is that
most really expensive cars
tend to be very hard,

very fast and very brutal.
And that's a problem.

I mean, if you are old
and you drive around
in something like this,

-your wizened little head
is going to come off.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Luckily, however,
there is now a solution.

It's this.
It's the Bentley Brooklands.

And theoretically,
it's the perfect Super-Coupe
for someone who has gout.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: Bentley say this is
the roomiest two-door coupe
on the market today.

It covers six post codes.

Its rear wings alone
are longer than an entire
smart car.

Of course,
when you're driving it,
it feels very small.

I don't mean small, do I?
That's the wrong word.

I mean, enormous!

Honestly, I was driving it
down a normal B road
the other day,

and it gave me some idea
of what it would be like
to try and park the moon.

But strangely, it's not
the size that overwhelms you
most of all.

It's the attention to detail.

On average it takes
a swarm of robots
about nine hours

to make a small hatchback
like this.

With the Bentley, though,
things are a bit different.

CLARKSON : The whole back end
has to be assembled by hand,

because the shape is just too
complex for a machine
to understand.

Sixteen cows had to
lay down their lives
to produce enough leather

for this one car,
and it takes 125 hours
to stitch it all together.

It takes two days
to polish all the
stainless steel trim pieces

and 130 hours
to make the roof lining.

Honestly, it probably
would have been easier
to take Blenheim Palace

and put some wheels on it.

To make the carpet,
16 sheep
had to have a haircut,

and for the dashboard,
107 sq ft of 80-year-old
walnut was needed.

The upshot is that it takes
14 times longer to make
a Brooklands

than it does
a normal £10,000 hatchback.

So you would expect it to cost
14 times more, £140,000.

But, in fact, it costs
getting on for £240,000.

And that's before you start
with the options list.

CLARKSON: The special flying
B bonnet emblem,
for instance, is £2,136.

Ceramic brakes
are getting on for £20,000.

It is, therefore,
very expensive,
but then it is very special.

In a normal supercar,
you get to where
you're going very quickly.

In this, it feels like
you've arrived
before you've set off.

You really do feel,
when you are in a Brooklands,

that you are
completely isolated
from the rest of the world.

And that's because...

You are!

Let me give you an example
of what I'm on about, okay?

When we're down at the track,

I'm always given
one of these walkie talkies,

so I can talk to the crew,
okay.

And they always work fine,
never miss a beat.

But in this,
you can't get a signal.

Hello.

It doesn't work. Hello?

Hello?

I see what they mean about it
being lonely at the top.

CLARKSON: So there we are,

a quiet and spacious
sensory deprivation tank
for rich old people

who want to dawdle around
in great comfort

in a car that has the same
top speed as the Vatican.

So what,
you may be wondering,

is it doing with
a sport button?

I mean, that's as stupid as
putting a sport button
on the Albert Hall.

CLARKSON:
The thing is, though,
this car needs a sport button

because of the monster
that lives under the bonnet.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh! Ha-ha!

Designed to run
on coal in the reign
of King Edward II,

this six-and-three-quarter
litre V8 was originally
meant to produce

no more than 200 horse power.

In the Brooklands, though,
it's producing
530 horse power,

and if you use
the continental
measuring system,

more than 1,000 torques.

(ENGINE ROARS)

The effect is profound.

Listen to that.

(LAUGHING)

That's the sort of sound
scientists create

when they want to set off
earthquakes.

You drive one of these things
through California,

San Francisco
is going to end up in the sea.

Of course, it isn't the most
delicate car in the world.

-Oh, my God!
-(TYRES SQUEAL)

I'm going sideways.

I am para-sliding
a Georgian tallboy.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

(ENGINE BACKFIRES)

This isn't driving.
This is naval warfare.

What you do is turn in,
make smoke

and then turn...
To face the enemy.

Aha!

You see,
you weren't ready for that!

(TYRES SQUEAL)

You don't wonder
at how it does what it does,

you just marvel at the fact
that it can do it at all.

Sure,
compared to other supercars,

its top speed of 185
is not that fast.

The thing is, though,
you can't compare it
to other supercars.

This is a huge slab
of Old England.

You've got to compare it
to Edward Elgar.

And he couldn't do 185.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON: You have to love
the Brooklands,

right up to the moment
when it all goes
horribly wrong.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

Ah, I think one of the tyres
may have just let go.

This is what we call in the
world of filming, a wrap.

(APPLAUSE)

-What?
-Well...

What?

Well, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.

Look what you did to the tyre.
Look!

No, it wasn't me.

No, it wasn't.

You see, the thing is,
you know you turn the traction
control off in a car, okay?

-Well, James doesn't.
-No, James doesn't.

But a normal person turns
the traction control off,
right?

The problem is,
this has so much torque

that if you even gently
put your foot on the throttle

it just spins the rear tyres.
That's the result.

No, that's because
you were driving
like an animal out there.

No. I had a blow-out, right?

And that, that's a point.
I had a blow-out. I held it.

I didn't go on
Fern and Phil's sofa,

talking about
my near-death experience.

-Yeah.
-I took it like a man,
frankly.

All right. All right.
Can we find out how fast
it goes round the track?

No. No, there's no point,
honestly.

A car like this,
you may as well

put the Stig in the studio
and see how fast
that goes round.

So, what
we're gonna do instead
is the news.

Well,
we'll do the news in a minute,

'cause first I want to say
a couple more things
about that Bentley.

You see you said there
it was like a slab
of Old England.

Yes.

-But, Bentley is owned by VW.
-Yeah.

That car was styled by
a Belgian

and it was engineered
by a man called
Ulrich Eichhorn.

It doesn't sound very British,
does it?

Are you presenting Top Gear
or writing a letter to the
Daily Telegraph?

Well, I'm just saying that
you know immediately
that car is German

'cause it's got
too much power.
They've overdone it, as usual.

Like they did on
their French holiday in 1939.

-James!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

James, the Queen is German
but you don't sing,

Deutschland, Deutschland,
uber alles , every time
she comes on the television.

-Well, I do, actually.
-RICHARD HAMMOND:
Yeah, he does.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right, look,
I'm going to do the news,
okay?

Uh. You know the um,
the campaign we're having

to get rid of stupid,
unnecessary signs?

Lots of people have been
very kindly sending in
examples.

Check this one out.

-HAMMOND: If you look...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

If they hadn't put
the sign there, he wouldn't
have hit anything.

-Yeah.
-Don't put unnecessary signs

at the side of the road.
Please, stop it.

We're doing this to shame
the councils

that put these things up
without thinking about it.

My favourite sign of the week,
sent in by a viewer,
here it is.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Why? What for?
-It's not even true.

-JAMES MAY: Is it?
-CLARKSON: Shall I tell you
something incredible?

You know these new eco-signs?
They've got their own little
windmills, solar panels.

-D'you know
how much they cost?
-Three thousand quid.

£10,000. Of our money.

£10,000. And, by law,
there has to be a conventional
sign next to them,

saying the same thing for when
it's dark and not windy.

Which makes the £10,000 sign
completely pointless.

Yes. If you're
going to be eco,

don't put the bloody sign
there in the first place.

(LAUGHTER)

-We are being
governed by imbeciles.
-Yeah.

-Hey, go on, more news.
-Yes.

VW has announced the new
Scirocco.

We've got one in the studio.
It's actually over there.

You've got to admit
it's a very
good-looking thing.

CLARKSON: Looks like
the Stig's helmet.

HAMMOND:
In white, yeah. It's a...

CLARKSON: It really does.
HAMMOND: Basically,
it's a Golf GTi.

But it's got fancier
suspension underneath

and this great-looking
coupe body over the top.
It's a fab thing.

But here's the point.
It actually costs

-the same as a Golf GTi.
-CLARKSON: The same?

Well, yeah, it's 150 quid more
but you get more kit
as standard

so it works out the same,
which... How?

VW have got a bit of a history
of this because
the Bugatti Veyron,

-which is a VW...
-They did.

That cost them £5 million
to make and they sold it
for 850 grand a pop.

I don't think they've got
the best accountants.

-They must go, "Why do we keep
losing money every year?"
-"How does it happen?"

I suppose if you actually
wanted to save money, though,

you shouldn't buy
either of those,

you could just buy
the Seat Leon.

-Yes.
-'Cause that is actually
a VW Golf underneath.

HAMMOND: Same underneath.
CLARKSON: No. No.

It's got a version
of the same engine,

which is actually
more powerful

and it costs less than
either of them.

-You can't buy that
because it's a Seat.
-What's wrong with that?

-It's Spanish.
-What's wrong with that?

I'm bored with Spain
at the moment.

Fernando Alonso in Formula 1,
he's the most successful
driver there.

He just is. Okay?
Then you've got
Nadal in tennis,

they've won
the UEFA Championships,
they've nicked our airports,

they've nicked all our fish,
they've nicked all our
building societies,

they eat the heads off prawns,
they throw donkeys off
tower blocks

-and they stab cows.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-So that's the Spanish.
-That is the Spanish.

-Anybody from Spain here?
-HAMMOND: Sorry.

-Give me my fish back.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-Great news.
-What?

The Dac... The...
(LAUGHS)

MAY: They know what it is.

The Dacia Sandero
has gone on sale
in the left-hand-drive market.

Nice.
Now, just one more thing.

Did you see the papers
this week about Prince Charles

running his DB6,
his Aston, on wine?

-Yes, I did.
-Yes.

Why doesn't he use petrol?

It's not like
there aren't petrol stations.

-It's cheaper and everything.
-I don't get it.

-What?
-MAN: Waste of good wine.

-Yes.
-I know,
it's a waste of good wine.

Unless, of course,
"Nasty whine coming
from your engine, sir."

-"Yes, I know,
it's a South African."
-(LAUGHTER)

Uh, right, that is
the end of the news
and we're gonna move on now.

I'm afraid there's been a bit
of an argument in the office.

You see, us three,
we maintain that Alfas
have a certain flair

that you just don't get
from other cars, okay?

And that you can't be
a true petrol head
until you've owned one.

Yes, but the producers argue
that all Alfas
are ugly little rot-boxes

and you'd have to be
galactically stupid
to buy one.

So what they did was
they gave us each £1,000
to spend on an Alfa Romeo

and then they told us
to meet in a car park
near East Anglia,

where we would be given
some challenges.

CLARKSON:
I was the first to arrive.

This is a 75, and I will admit
it is not the best-looking car
in the world.

It rather looks as though
they got themselves
an Etch A Sketch to design it.

And then they fitted
the wheels from a grand piano.

However, underneath,
that is a different story.

The gearbox
is at the back

for better
weight distribution.

The brakes, the rear brakes,
anyway are inboard
to reduce unsprung weight.

It's got limited slip diff.

And at the front
it's got Alfa's
three litre V6 engine,

I think one of the best
engines ever to go
into mass production.

And I got this whole car

for £450.

It's May!

In a GTV.

If you got this
for less than 1,000 quid

I will eat my own shoes.

Do carry on...
£995.

1996 Alfa Romeo GTV,
two litre twin spark.

And what have you bought?
You idiot.

-Did you just say,
"two litre?"
-Yes.

-Well,
why didn't you get the GTV6?
-It's not as good.

(SCOFFS)
In what way is it not as good?

Heavier at the nose
and the handling
is compromised.

-'Cause it's
front-wheel drive, this.
-Exactly.

-And front-wheel drive
is for the feeble.
-No.

-This is rear-wheel drive.
-I know.

-Racing pedigree.
-This piece. Think about it.

-Yeah.
-Is to make Alfa
look good again.

This, as I just...
This is in black,
this is a symphony of evil.

-It's not black, it's grey.
-It's black.

-What's that?
-It's a, what?

-What's that?
-Bird dirt.

Yours is, I think,
a triumph of
style over substance.

I can't even look at the front
of one of these cars

because I get
sexually excited.

MAY: Mercifully, Jeremy
was interrupted by the arrival
of Hammond.

-CLARKSON:
Dustin Hoffmond has arrived.
-Hello, there.

-That's...
-Behold the Spider.

-CLARKSON: I knew
you'd buy a Spider.
-MAY: I knew he would.

This is the version that
only had one windscreen wiper.
I've not seen this one.

-No, actually,
there is another.
-Like a Scirocco.

This is the definitive
small Italian sports car.

I couldn't believe you can get
one of these for a grand.

-You know we're supposed
to be...
-That doesn't always work.

-It doesn't work at all.
-No.

-Let's start here.
Does the door mirror work?
-No.

-Does this window work?
-No.

-Any of those switches?
-Not really, no.

-No. That window?
-No.

-That windscreen wiper?
-No.

At least there's no play
in the steering.

That's all part of the
character of...

Shall we all just have a look
at the front wheels,
ladies and gentlemen?

You could drive this
through an American movie.

MAY: We could have bickered
until the middle of next week

but the producers,
keen to show we were morons,

were ready
with the first challenge.

"Back in 1743,
Alfa Romeo was indeed
a successful racing team."

See, they haven't got
the idea of this at all.

"We shall now see
how much of that
racing pedigree has survived.

"You will therefore go
to a track day at
Rockingham race circuit."

-Ooh.
I hadn't seen that one coming.
-No, no, no.

You haven't seen this
one coming, either.

"Where you will get one point
for every car you overtake

"and lose one
every time you are overtaken."

-HAMMOND: Ah.
-MAY: I may surprise you.

-I bet you I don't, though.
-(MAY LAUGHS)

-Right.
-Let's go.

CLARKSON: We saddled up
and headed for Rockingham.

Well, two of us did.

It won't work in a smooth way.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

CLARKSON:
The idea of a track day
is very simple,

anyone can turn up
with any car

and spend some time
blasting it around
as fast as possible.

Be very conscious
of the loading,
especially on this corner.

Naturally,
there was a safety briefing

but, thanks to James,
we arrived a bit late.

-Stick to your line...
-Sorry.

-Sorry, everyone.
-INSTRUCTOR: Afternoon.

-Sorry.
-CLARKSON: It was his fault.

Okay, overtake either side.
Stick to your line

and let the overtaking car
get past you.

Okay. Everybody happy?

-Good, good.
-What was the first bit?

-I think we may have missed
quite a lot.

CLARKSON: Still, driving round
a track, how hard can it be?

-Hammond,
I'm gonna stick behind you.
-Okay.

Then I'm gonna
take you on the straight
and get a point.

I don't think so.

-How many horsepower
have you got?
-126.

-190.
-Yeah, but they're all broken.
They've got three legs.

Right, right,
left, left, left, right,
left, right, left.

Straight.

(ENGINE ROARS)

Oh! Listen to that.

CLARKSON: On the circuit
we got a bit of a shock.

I'm minus one already.

Bloody hell.

That's minus three in one lap.

HAMMOND: Things were bad
for James and Jeremy
but they were worse for me.

What?

Ah!

CLARKSON:
After three laps of not
overtaking a single thing,

we scuttled back to the pits.

Sorry.

And there, the penny dropped.

Porsche 911, another GT3 RS.

-Lotus Elise, Porsche...
-Porsche.

Porsche.

I thought track days
were just for yobbos in...

-Saxos.
-Yeah.

CLARKSON: Plainly, we had to
think of a way of slowing
the opposition down.

Guys, I've got an idea.
Unnerve them.

-Morning. What's that?
-A five.

It's a five? They're the ones
that had the steering issues,
didn't they,

-when you were going
really fast?
-Well, it actually...

But d'you remember,
when you went really quick,
how they used to jam?

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah, they did.

Have you had any
of the problems with the um,

with the engine-compartment
fire thing that they went on
about a few years ago?

-Where did you hear that?
-We had it at Top Gear,
on the track.

Yes. Something to do with
hard cornering.

A GT2? They were the ones,
the discs used to...

What was it? The discs
shattered under hard?

It's always on tracks,
but anybody who's watched it,

they say it's just the
speed from right that end
of the car in, like, seconds.

-Yeah.
-It's more, they reckon,
an explosion than an a fire.

-(ENGINES ROAR)
-CLARKSON: So, did this work?

Um, no.

But it didn't matter,
because we had Alfas
and they were fantastic.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Oh, that handling
is spectacular.
No other word for it, really.

MAY: It wants you to drive it.
It wants to be driven,
this car.

Look at the vigour with which
it attacks this bend.

CLARKSON:
Even Hammond was looking
on the bright side.

It weighs just over
1,000 kilos.

My Lotus Elise weighs
just under 1,000 kilos
so, it's a Lotus Elise.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Ooh.

HAMMOND: Despite
our enthusiasm, though,

we still hadn't overtaken
anyone.

Oh, I've lost power steering.

HAMMOND:
And the 75 was starting
to suffer from Alfa-itis.

When you put your arm
on the centre console

your elbow does operate
the rear windows.
That is an issue.

But it still has that
Alfa magic you can't ever
really describe.

Only Alfa Romeo owners know.

(ENGINE ROARING)

(CLUNK)
(WHIRRING)

What was that?

Oh. Something's horribly
wrong here.

There's a buzz, there's a feel
that's different and odd.

I had to make a pit stop.

This is the thing
you have to remember

is Alfa build a car to be
as good as a car can be,
briefly.

That left it up to
my colleagues to defend
Alfa's reputation.

Oh!

Squeeze the power
through the long-banked curve.

(BLEEP)

Edit.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

CLARKSON: My flywheel bearings
sounded very poorly.

It's an incredibly um,
complex job
to put a new one in.

It's now quarter to eleven
in the morning.

I might be able to get
a new one in, if I had one,
by about um...

(MUTTERS)
By about October.

CLARKSON: I therefore decided
to cool it down
with a fire extinguisher.

It was a brilliant idea.

But then I got some bad news
over the radio.

I've just been told something
rather interesting.

-What's interesting?
-While you're sitting
in the pit,

every car that passes
the pit lane wall
counts as an overtake.

Oh, for God's sake.
Can we hurry up
with that jack?

More to the point, Jezza,
you're being overtaken by me,
consistently.

(ENGINES ROARING)

Just overtaking you again,
Jeremy.

Shut up, Hammond.

CLARKSON: My flywheel was
the first real problem
of the day,

but soon they were coming
thick and fast.
-(TYRES SCREECHING)

-Clutch.
-I'm going to the floor.
The brakes have just cooked.

I think I'll just rest here,
let my brakes cool for a bit.

-MAY: My brakes are shot.
-This is smelling bad.

The driver's seat
has collapsed on
the right-hand side.

Is that water-pump gasket
failure or some sort of...

-It's the pump.
-The actual pump.

CLARKSON:
Then I tried to get a point
by overtaking Captain Slow.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

Naturally, that got us
black-flagged, but at least
I took full responsibility.

-You...
-That's the rules.

-Turned in on me.
-Rubbish.

That's where
you're supposed to turn.

CLARKSON: On top of all this,
the overtaking challenge
was descending into a farce.

Oops.

That's a 16-year-old boy
who's just overtaken me.

In a Corsa.

Cock!

I'm gonna take
a Gallardo Superleggera!

Yes!

Utter joy!
Oh, wait, now he's gone again.

CLARKSON: Soon, though,
my disappointment got worse.

-(RATTLING)
-That's not good.
What's happened?

Jeremy's exhaust
appears to have fallen off.

(LAUGHING)

That got me black-flagged,
again.

Holy cow!

There's nothing
to worry about.
It's just the exhaust.

It's Alfas.
They do things that
you're just not ready for.

CLARKSON: A point that was
proved moments later.

-What's the matter?
-MAY: Clutch.

Well, get it back up,
otherwise the producers
will laugh at us.

I know.

MAY: Come on.

I can hardly believe this.

The only car that is out there
right now, working,
is Hammond's.

Well, when I say, working...

Please give me another
cylinder back.

Please change your mind back
and be a four-cylinder again.

HAMMOND: As we sorted out
our little niggles,
the tally continued to mount.

But even Jeremy was admitting
speed isn't everything.

-Been overtaken much?
-There's Caterhams
and Porsches...

-Can I just say? They're fast.
-Yeah, brisk.

Do they have the soul,
the character, the passion?

If Katharine Ross,

she of Butch Cassidy
& The Sundance Kid
Fame and The Graduate ,

were to come here
and choose her favourite car,

-it would be none of those.
-No.

CLARKSON: Finally,
we were ready
to get back out there.

(ENGINE STALLS)

And this time we had a plan.

By working together,
we'd stop
the overtaking massacre.

Get alongside me,
quick as you can.

Yeah, now let's see 'em
overtake. Ha-ha!

HAMMOND: Brilliant!
Why didn't we
think of this before?

(TRIUMPHANT LAUGH)

(HORNS BLARING)

Have you been
overtaken recently?

No, not for a while, actually.

No, neither have I.

CLARKSON: Of course,
to stop anyone sneaking by on
the wider bits of the track,

we had to weave about a bit.

-(BANGS)
-Oh, that's not gone well.

Overall, though, my tactic
was working brilliantly.

Until I was stabbed
in the back.

-That's a point for me!
-Oi.

They've ruined the game.
Now look.

Back-stabber Hammond
was now getting very cocky.

He fell off!

-(CLATTERING THUD)
-Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, I've got no engine.

Brutus Hammond
was out with
a broken water-pump

and then it was the turn
of Cassius May.

No clutch!

Meanwhile, for me,
things were looking good.

Hey, it looks like
we got ourselves
a slowcoach here.

I'm gonna take the focus.

Come on! Come on, Alfa!
Show the world!

Yeah, youth,
how do you feel now?

I've got a point!

Oh, my God, the brakes.

Whoa! (BLEEP)

-What's wrong with yours?
-All the water's coming out.

-Is it?
-It's not good.

-How's Jeremy doing?
That's the thing.
-I dunno.

Ask him, actually.

-Jeremy, how are you doing?
-Not brilliantly.

I think it's gonna be
all right.

-I just need a tow-truck.
-(LAUGHING)

Do you think they're A,
going to be sympathetic
or B, be a couple of...

-HAMMOND: Nice work!
-No, they're going
to be a couple of.

-I'll tell you what happened.
-I'll tell you what happened.

No, a man came
and pushed it over
when I wasn't looking.

-No. You crashed it
and it's on its side.
-I didn't crash it.

No, look what
you've done, man!

-HAMMOND: Yeah!
-Look what you've done!

HAMMOND: It's a minor scuff.

Come on, car,
don't let me down.

-(ENGINE STARTS)
-Ah...

HAMMOND: Doesn't sound good,
that car.

(CHEERING)

You can't kill an Alfa.

You can't kill a 75,
that's for sure.

Anyway, look,
we've now come back
into the studio

because we've got
another challenge.

Yeah. We were each told
to make a calendar

featuring our cars,
a bit like any of these,

and then put it on sale
for £4.99 at a top
West London newsagents.

We'd get one point
for every calendar we sold.

Now, I did quite
a lot of research, okay?

And I discovered
that what makes
a calendar sell...

I've got them here. Look.

See what's in common?
Haystack. Haystacks.

-(LAUGHTER)
-Haystacks.

-Girl. And...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So I decided the best thing
I could do... Was this!

HAMMOND: What. Hang on.
Is that the car
behind the haystack?

Yes.

'Cause I realised the 75
is not the prettiest car
Alfa ever made, so...

I know haystacks are popular,
so I did that.

Well, look,
here is your calendar
on the shelf.

How long was that on sale for?

It's been on sale now
for a month.

-Right, and how many
have you sold?
-None. Not one.

James, how have you done?

I decided that I wanted
a really nice woman to pose
with my car for the calendar.

So, what I did was...
Wrote to some supermodels.

What supermodels?

Kate Moss, Sophie Dahl,
the lot. The big ones.

-And how many replied?
-None.

So, what did you do?

Well, time was getting
a bit short
and I was desperate

so I rang up
a local modelling agency...

-What, in Hammersmith?
-Yes. We've got one.

I said, "Could you just send
a model round?

"I need one urgently
for a car calendar."

CLARKSON: Yes.
HAMMOND: And?

And they did.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-CLARKSON:
James, that is a man.

-HAMMOND: That is a man.
-I know!

But what could I do?
He turned up, he was excited
about his big moment.

I couldn't send
him away, could I?

-HAMMOND: How many
have you sold?
-None.

Right.

-So, it's all down to you...
-Yes, well...

-To defend Alfa's honour.
-It is.

I was clever.
I decided I wanted
an action shot

of my car for my calendar

but we had to do
it ourselves so...

Well, here I am doing it.
Look.

I set the self-timer
on the camera. That gave me
10 seconds to run to the car,

get in, start it, drive past
and get a shot
of the car moving,

but I missed it.

So I set it for longer,
which gave me more time to run
to the car, get in, drive off

and then...
I missed it again.

So then I thought,
"If I change the line

"and drive the car
closer to the lens

"I'll get a close-up shot
of it all blurry in action
as it went past."

And uh, that.. .
That didn't go well, either.

-(LAUGHTER)
-Yeah.

Did you actually get...
A picture?

Yes, I did.
You see, I persevered
and uh, there it is.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

That's the worst picture
I've ever seen in my life.

Its action, it's blurry
and it's got a calendar
on it and everything.

-How many did you sell?
-None.

Right, so, okay.
Uh, let's put the scores,
shall we?

Uh, how we're doing.

Obviously, you get uh...
One point for every tenner
under 1,000

so, James, you got a half.

-You got naught.
I got 55 for that.
-Yes.

Uh, calendars. That's naught.

-Naught. Naught.
-HAMMOND: Naught.

Uh, overtaking. Okay. Ready?

James, you were minus 203.

-Richard, you did well.
-Yes.

-Minus...
-Ah.

-178.
-Right.

And me? (CLEARS THROAT)

Even though I got that Ford...
Okay?

Did spend quite a lot of time
in the pit so I was minus
200 and... Six.

-Oh, well done.
-Bit disappointing.

But don't worry.
We're gonna pick this up
later on and all will be well.

Now, though,
it's time to put some stars
in our reasonably priced car.

Now, we're often accused
on Top Gear of not really
having too many minorities on.

Tonight, though,
we have someone who's Welsh

and someone who's fat.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome,
from Gavin & Stacey,

it's Rob Brydon
and James Corden!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

How are you?

-Rob.
-Good evening.

Have a seat.

Look at this. Now...

Obviously, you're a new boy.
You've not been here before.

-Never.
-You, of course, have.

I've looked after
the new boy, sir,

and shown him
round the dormitory.

Have you?
'Cause last time you came,
you were super-quick.

Yeah, but the worst thing
about the last time I came

was my reaction
when you told me
how well I did.

I was like a child
who'd been told he'd been
given a BMX.

It was awful.

And I think it's...
Obviously, Steve Coogan
is a great friend of yours

and you... And he's a big
car head, big petrol head.
And you beat him.

I've beaten him twice now,
cause he came back, didn't he?

No, you were
faster than Coogan,
which was very important.

And how was it
for you, then, today?

It was good. Uh...
Although I've never
driven a manual car before.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I've... I've only got
an automatic license.

'Cause your driving test
wasn't that smooth
even in an automatic, was it?

-No.
-Tell the ladies
and gentlemen.

Well, when I took my test,

I had nine points

on my provisional license.

I had nine points.
I had a scooter, which only
went 44 miles an hour.

But I drove it
at 44 miles an hour everywhere

and got six points
in one night.

Plainly a fairly catastrophic
driving history...

Mmm. No one's...

And yet a fairly
smooth day out there.

Unlike some people.

Well, you see, the last time
I wasn't expecting anything
and then did quite well.

So I was very full of myself.

So this time I thought,
"I can't be slower
than last time."

Who'd like to see
Rob practicing hard?

ALL: Yes!

We've got some footage here.

CLARKSON: There we go.
That was lap one, everybody.
There he is.

360, lap two.

Lap three. And lap four...

And he's already
on the grass there,
we should explain.

So, two absolutely
useless drivers here,
by the looks of it, today.

But if I may,
I'd just like to talk about
Gavin & Stacey. Fantastic.

-It's a staggeringly
good thing to be in.
-Oh, it's fantastic.

-I love it.
-You play this character
with a slightly ambiguous...

Sexual past,
let's put it that way.

It's interesting what
people read into it, Jeremy.

I think it often says
more about the viewer
than it does about the...

-(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
-James May...

I find a lot of men
without a sexual compass

are kind of wavering.
They don't know
which way to go

and they latch on to that
aspect of his character.
It's interesting.

And you two really racked up
the BAFTAs with it, as well,
didn't you? I mean...

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Was it the Best...
Everything?

Well, no, the show won
TV Show of the Year.

-And then...
-Mmm, well... It's all right.

-It won TV Show of the Year.
-Yeah.

-No, it won it. There's no
other way around it.
-I know.

And then I won...
I won one for a comedy
performance on my own. Yeah.

Did you want to be an actor
from a young age? Is that how
you ended up being one?

Yeah, it's all
I've ever wanted to do.

But weren't you
an underwear model?

Well, I mean...
Anyone here read
Heat magazine?

We found this in it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

D'you know what?
I just wish
I'd stuffed my pants.

You won't see me
greasing up my torso
in Hot magazine.

-Hot?
-I believe that's
what it's called.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
-Well, that was a very...

'Cause I have... I do...
Actually,
I must just say this.

'Cause you make
something of the fact
you're a larger chap.

-I can't really ignore it.
-No, exactly.

I find...
I find the fatter person

to be more
entertaining company
than the thinner man.

(LAUGHS)

-No?
-You mean?

I don't know if
it's quite that cut and dried

but you've had to create
a personality to get girls.

This is it.
I mean, you're Welsh.
Same thing, presumably.

It's... It's a similar
sort of holdback, yeah.

Uh... Now, cars.

Uh, Rob, last time you were
on you did own up

to a pretty shocking
car history.

Yeah, but since then
I've had an Audi A4
convertible, which is great.

And I'm about to
take delivery of
a brand-new A6 allroad.

And I thought
this was gonna go down
great with you and then...

-Then you hear this.
-They tell me
you're down on the Audis.

No, we've moved them
down the board, I'm afraid.

-Why?
-Because the...
Cocks, let's be honest,

who used to have BMWs,
have now moved
and they're all in Audis.

Well, I never had a BM...

(DEEPENS VOICE)
I never had a BMW. I...

-I...
-Have you got a?

-I don't drive an Audi.
I would like one.
-He drives a sales...

He drives
a salesman's Mercedes.

A regional-rep Mercedes
who's up and down the M1
with his samples in the back.

That's not true.

-You've got your samples
up front. We know that, but...
-It's a coupe.

It's a coupe but I don't
like it. I've got a Mer...
I've got a C180 coupe

and I don't really like it,
so I want to get another car.

So I was gonna get
an A5 or an S3.

They're nice.
The A5s are nice.

-The A5's a beautiful car.
-A lovely shape.

I've never seen one.
I'm absolutely convinced

Audi just made one
for the adverts

and they've never actually
put it into...

-I was sat in one
the other day in a showroom.
-Yeah.

-You've got to get out more.
-Yeah, come on, man.

-You've seen it...
-Come down from
your ivory tower, Clarkson.

You've seen one.

Um, now we ought really
to have a look at
your laps, I guess.

-I'd love to.
-All right. Okay.

Okay, well,
now we're gonna see...

I think we're gonna see
your lap first, Rob.

Oh, that means he was faster
'cause you're saving
the faster one.

-I get it. Goodbye.
-There's no way I'm faster.

-I can't drive a manual car.
-It's like you
are worried about this.

-He is.
-'Course I'm worried about it.

Rob, you're first. Here we go.

CLARKSON: Oh, it's wet.

-It's wet out there.
-ROB BRYDON: It's taking
a while to get a grip.

Fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.

CLARKSON: Theoretically,
this car is
a little bit quicker

than the old Liana.
Here we go.

-ROB: Oh, that looks slow.
-No, but it's a nice line.

-That's good.
-ROB: Is it?
"Oh...he's gonna hit me."

-CLARKSON: That's good.
-That is good.

CLARKSON:
It is good, isn't it?
JAMES CORDEN: Yeah.

Oh, I slowed down there.

CLARKSON: That's the face
of a man who's concentrating.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on,
come on. Come on.

-You're so keen!
-ROB: Well, you wanna do well.

-Into the... Well,
I'm really impressed.
-It looks really slow to me.

CLARKSON: Everybody says that
but it isn't. You can even see
the under steer there.

You held it nicely.
That's looking good.

Ooh, that's not
looking so good.

-Have you driven
a manual before?
-(ROB LAUGHS)

Yes!

Ooh, I'm already thinking
about the end.

CLARKSON: This is it.
Did you manage to get through?
Ooh, you've slowed right down.

Oh, that's rubbish.

CLARKSON: What's the matter?
Is it broken?

-ROB: Oh, don't be like that.
Oh, look at that.
-CLARKSON: Come on!

ROB: That's... Oh, no!
CLARKSON: Oh, dearie me.

Oh, no! Oh, that's terrible.

That was awful.

Oh, that was
a dreadful finish, wasn't it?

Yeah, pretty slow.

Which means... New boy...

That you're in
with a chance here.
Shall we see his lap?

ALL: Yes.

Here we go. Is he gonna be
reckless or hopeless?
Let's have a look.

(ENGINE REVVING)

CLARKSON: That's on the
rev limiter there.

Good start.

Oh, he's turning in for
a corner that wasn't there

and then into
the one that was.

Nice line.
Much wetter for you.

Just a bit.

(BLEEP) Is that third?
I don't know.

CLARKSON: Okay,
through Chicago.
God, that's a brilliant line!

That's really good.

Get in there, you bitch.

Hammerhead. Can he make
this one good, as well?

Yes, look,
you've got the under steer
but not quite...

Rob's got quicker
reactions though.
It's the older man.

Get in gear, you...
That's fifth. That's third.
Ah!

-(BLEEP) piece of
(BLEEP) manual car!
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Who drives a manual? No one.
They're (BLEEP).

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Oh, we can
probably beep all that out.

Ooh, nice. That was quick.

And a very brave line,
as well, hanging the tail out.

Now, you're coming
up through here,
looking quicker...

Frankly, looking... Oh, no,
you've gone in for a corner
that wasn't there again.

It's looking wild! And then...
Big smile and across the line.

So, who wants to go first?

I'm thinking probably
we'll put uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Rob.

I don't think it's good
because that really
was a very slow end,

so I would imagine
I'm somewhere just
underneath Ronnie Wood.

No, I'm lower. Oh, no.
Oh, Steve's there.

Steve Coogan is here. He made
me put an H on it 'cause
he said it was a very hot day

and for some reason,
in his mind that slowed him
down considerably.

I don't know.
I really have no idea.

-Well, last time you beat him.
-Yes, I did.

-This time, you did it
in one minute 50...
-Oh.

1.7.

-So...
-Steve...

-He beat me.
-He beat you.

-That's 1:51.7.
-Oh, no.

But... It was wet.

-It was wet.
-That's a very good point.

Which means you can actually,
if you see Steve,

tell him that you would have
gone four seconds a lap
faster than that.

-So actually,
most important thing...
-Oh, here we go.

Here we go. To make it worse.
Right.

There's no way I can possibly
have done better than that.

Because I was in fifth
at one point.

If he has beaten me,
I would like an
official inquiry.

-You did it...
-Go on.

One minute...

50...

3.4.

So give him a round
of applause. It's...

It's low, but it's wet.

1:53.4 is down there.

I bet if they did an automatic
I could beat Les Ferdinand.

Anyway, look, chaps,
it's been
absolutely fantastic.

Thank you so much
for coming on.

Very best of luck
with all the new projects.

Ladies and gentlemen,
James and Rob.

(CHEERING)

Well done.

Now, earlier on,
we were trying to prove

that an Alfa Romeo
will put a bit of zest
in your life.

And the producers were trying
to prove that an Alfa Romeo
will just explode

and bring nothing
but untold misery.

And so far, we've taken
our £1,000 Alfa Romeos
on a track day

and we've made
some calendars out of them.

But now we pick up the action
at the Top Gear
technology centre in Didcot.

CLARKSON: This is what
the cars looked like
after their day at the track.

But the producers
were showing no mercy.

-Thanks. Here we go.
-It's a drag race.

-It'll be reliability.
-It's a drag race.

It's neither. "Your cars
have been entered for
a concourse competition

"tomorrow in Leicestershire."

-Concourse. That's...
That's like Crufts for cars.
-Ah!

-It's all about presentation,
isn't it?
-Absolutely.

"The judges will be looking
for spotless originality.

"In other words,
your cars need to look like

"they just came out
of the factory.

(SNIGGERS)

"So, before you set off,
you'd better set to work
with the polish."

CLARKSON: Because
concourse judges
even check the tyre dust-caps

for cleanliness,

I had to mend the damage
caused by James.

Not easy when spare parts
are hard to come by.

If they're gonna notice
dirt on the inside
of an exhaust pipe, James,

they're going to notice that
one of my indicators

is from a Metro
and it's in upside-down.

James, however,
was loving this.

MAY: In cleaning the car,
you sort of clean your mind.

And all you have to worry
about is, "Is that bit there
as clean as it could be?"

No, it isn't.
So let's improve it.

(BANGING)

That's on now.

Leather food. Yeah.

"Test an
inconspicuous area first."

I decided to respray my car.
But even this had problems.

This is a nice colour.

You know that Skoda green?
I bought some...

-You know when
I did the police car?
-Yeah.

-That's the only paint
we've got.
-That's a lovely colour.

Although if you're gonna
change the colour

you'll have to be
a lot more thorough about it.

Like inside the bonnet,
you have to do
under the bonnet.

-They'll...
-They will.

HAMMOND: While Jeremy
carefully applied
his new paint...

Check it out!

I came up
with a genius plan
to fix my ruined seats.

(HOOTING EXCITEDLY)
Look at that.

Yeah!

CLARKSON: Soon my new
paint job was complete.

The badge.

Oh, God.

And while it dried,
I went to check on the others.

-What if we try
on the other side?
-No, no, don't go in the car.

-Don't put your hands
on the car.
-Oh...

Recovering my seat,
it's brilliant.

-Out of what?
-Your jacket.

-You! That is my jacket!
-Yeah.

I am a bit disappointed,
I must confess, in how that's
turned out. The front.

The sides and everything
look good, but the front,
it's very bad.

To distract the judges
from the poor quality,

I decided to go for some
non-original racing stripes.

And I'm gonna tell
the organisers these are

the national racing
colours of Ecuador.

HAMMOND: As night fell,
things were going well.

The cars were beginning
to look factory-fresh.

Yes. James. James,
something I've done works.

HAMMOND: Yeah,
and it fits perfectly.

I, however,
had one big problem

my water-pump
was still broken,

which meant I'd have to feed
coolant to the engine manually

as I was driving along.

And then how does
the bonnet go down?

I haven't worked that out yet.
Don't rush me.
This is engineering.

What if we make a cut-out
in the bonnet with a saw?

They'll notice that.

D'you think they'll
notice that, with this
in the passenger seat?

No, no, no.
They'll never notice that.

HAMMOND: The next morning,
we set out on
our 80-mile journey

to the concourse competition.

CLARKSON: The track day
really had taken its toll
on my poor 75.

Okay, I've got an alternator
failure warning light,
brake failure warning light,

oil-pressure warning light

and the unmistakable sound
of a ruined gearbox.

And that's what
I like about Alfas.

No other Alfa in the world
has all these problems...
Today.

They have different ones.

Take Richard's car,
for example.

Ergonomically,
I think this system
is a little flawed.

The handle could
fall a little more
easily to hand.

Then James tried to argue
that he had a problem, too.

-Hammond.
-Yes?

My heater's stuck
in the fully-on position.

That's not the worst problem
it could have, really, mate,
if I'm honest.

(ENGINE WHINING)

(GRINDING)

(WHINING)

(GRINDING)

At the next repair halt,
Richard and I decided
to show James

what a real problem
might be like.

(LAUGHS)

-Would you like the mature?
-I'm thinking extra mature.

-One of each.
-That's brilliant.

(LAUGHING)

HAMMOND: That's gonna
smell poor.

Cover his vent.

CLARKSON: It's actually just
a huge cheese-grater, this.

He's coming, he's coming.
Quick. Quick.

-What?
-Hands off car, please.

Sorry.

CLARKSON: Back on the road,
our old war horses
racked up the miles.

We're coming up now
to the Fosse Way.

I can think
of few greater pleasures

than driving an Alfa Romeo
with racing stripes
on this road.

Sadly, though,
my fun and everyone else's

was spoiled a bit
because James was in front.

How is Hammond's car
still working?

This is gonna make it.

You see? Alfas are magic.
They're like wizards.

CLARKSON:
But then this happened.

Ah!

Ah! That's a disaster.

The handle's come off
his water-pump.

And then this happened.

Oh... What?

No, not now! Come on.

Oh, it's on fire.

HAMMOND: Now, normally on
Top Gear, our motto is,

"If a friend falls,
leave him there."

But because today
we were united
against our producers,

James came back to rescue me.

Well, that's not right.

-(BANG)
-Hammond.

I have been rescued
and I haven't even
broken down.

Hello.

CLARKSON: Because James's car
was in the best nick,

he would have to tow Hammond.

Thanks for the tow, mate.
I appreciate it, really I do.

That's quite all right.

-(BANG)
-Sorry.

-Sorry.
-Hammond!

Beginning to slow
for the roundabout.

Taking up slack.

-140 yards.
-Got the slack. Got the slack.

-(BANG)
-Ooh! Sorry.

Sorry, sorry. I... Ooh.

Sorry, mate. I was looking for
my headlight switch.

I really don't know
where it is.

What? No! Mate!

-CLARKSON: What's happening?
-What?

He's broken something,
as well.

-He left me.
-(ENGINE WHIRRING)

-Would you mind?
-I can't. Listen.

-(WHIRRING)
-Well... But...

-CLARKSON: But you can't leave
an Alfa behind.
-Ow!

So the car that was dead
had to be towed by the car
that was dying.

-(RAPID WHIRRING)
-Oh, listen to that now.

HAMMOND: That's a weird noise
for a car to make.

(WHIRRING SLOWS)

-That's better.
What have you done?
-I've gone into second.

Second's nice.
It's underrated as a gear.

CLARKSON: Oh, my God.

From then on,
it was downhill all the way.

Except when we
were going uphill.

-Hammond...
-(EXCLAIMS)

-It's not going well
up the hill.
-(YELLS)

Here it is, carrying its mate
from the battlefield

even though one
of its legs is shot off.

While Corporal May
just abandoned ship.

Happily, though,
May was paying the price
for his desertion.

(SNIFFING)

That doesn't smell
like the engine.

Looking good. Stylish.

Here you go.
I've got a song for you.

# Here's to you,
Mrs Robinson...

Oh! Perfect! Thank you. Yeah!

# Jesus loves you more
than you will know

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# God bless you
please, Mrs... #

Fondue?

CLARKSON: Despite my bearings
being shot to bits,

we were now
near the overnight halt.

-I don't believe it.
I do not believe it.
-My car?

That tired old Italian car
has towed its broken mate...

CLARKSON: James wasn't
very pleased to see us.

-How much damage has he done?
-Well, he's knocked
the number plate off.

-Well, it's not that bad.
-It's worse than it was...

-You could buff that out.
-This morning.

-Look what it's done to his.
-HAMMOND:
It's done more to mine.

Actually, you...
I should be cross at you.
Look what you've done.

-MAY: How could I have
done that?
-Look.

You were behind.

CLARKSON:
Sunday. Concourse day.

And the fields were filling
with some of the best
drivers' cars ever made.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
The Alfa Romeo
concourse...

CLARKSON: All of which were
being hovered
and dusted and polished

and then hovered
and dusted and polished again.

Meanwhile, a few miles
down the road...

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

CLARKSON:
I'm going for a second.
Are you ready?

Ah!

Sadly, James is not able
to tow Richard this morning.

He's still in a bit of a mood
over yesterday.

CLARKSON: There was
a bigger issue, though,

because the rules
say all cars must arrive
under their own steam.

So, just outside the gates,
we pulled over...

There's every chance.

And Hammond bravely
rang for help.

-Come on. Live. Live. Live.
-(WHINING)

-CLARKSON: Oh, that's
a pretty car, the old GTV.
-Yeah, that is lovely.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

No, you've just
bought a Fiat, mate.
You haven't got the idea...

Begin!

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

-Now!
-(CLARKSON LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: It was hopeless.

So we came up with a plan.

James agreed to tow
Richard, and my car
would hide the rope.

"And how did the accident
happen, Mr. Clarkson?"

At the entrance
we had to bunch right up
to fool the marshals.

We always travel together, so
if you don't mind us sticking
together that'd be kind.

Morning.

No, no tow-ropes here.
Nothing to see here.

There are some marshals
at the gate.

MAY: We need to move past them
as if everything is normal.

-Up on the left.
-Up on the...

(BANG)

-Morning.
-Over on the right,
next to the...

-(BANG)
-Sorry. Sorry.

CLARKSON: Very discreetly...

Oh...

We made our way
to the judging area and parked
amongst our rivals.

-We're competing.
-Yeah. Yeah. Um...

As a man of God,

you'd take it badly,
I'm assuming, if I were to,
for instance, key it.

HAMMOND: Soon the judges
descended on our cars.

-We've got some serious
marking to do.
-Sure.

Would you be able
to open the bonnet for us?

-No.
-No.

What I want you
to put in your mind...

Under that bonnet
is a burnished specimen
of perfection.

-So that's zero.
-Naught.

-Your paintwork...
-Yes.

Most of it is the same colour
that it came out the factory.

-It is.
-So I've given it uh...
Two points for that.

-Out of?
-15.

Two?

No, no, we keep the engine
in there. Anything else you
need to check?

-Is that it?
-Uh, boot.

Are we done?
Yes, it's down there.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

-Does it clunk
when you change gear?
-No.

I... I did patch
this one slightly.

HAMMOND: Well, obviously
I didn't.
I had an upholsterer do it.

Right.

-Do you have
the original toolkit?
-Yes.

-Can you show it to me?
-No.

You can't deduct marks
for the cheese.
I didn't put it there.

-You should have
cleaned it off.
-So let's call it eight.

Yeah.

-You've written seven.
-Yeah.

CLARKSON: The judges retired
to tot up the scores.

But truth be told,
we were already winners.

You see, if we'd been
in three normal cars

this would have been
a drive across the Midlands.

But these three
old crocks had turned it
into an adventure.

Laughter, mishaps,
friendship, memories, thrills.

That is petrol head heaven.

Hammond!

And, as we've
always maintained,

the only way
you can get there...

Is in an Alfa Romeo.

(CHEERING)

-Well, we were right.
-Want one.

Heart says I want one.

Anyway, it is now time
to get the scores
from the judges.

-James, what did you get?
-Out of a possible 150... 74.

Seventy four.
That's nearly a pass.

Now, I got... 23 and a half.

Yeah.
Which was the lowest score

ever recorded in uh...
Concourse history.

Yeah. Until I came along.

-What did you get?
-I got nine.

-Nine?
-Nine.

Nine points. So, here we go.
These are the totals.

James, you are minus...
129 and a half.

-Agreed? 129 and a half.
-Yep.

-Richard, you are minus 169.
-Yes, I am.

And I'm minus 127 and a half!

And so, for the first time
since the cheap-car challenge
about three years ago,

I've actually won something!

-(CHEERING)
-HAMMOND: Well done.

-And it gets better.
-Why?

Because, as a prize,
the producers have said
you get to keep that 75

and use it as your car
for a whole year.

And do you know something?
Honestly, as a car lover

I can't think of anything
I'd like more.

Uh... So that's time
to end now.

Thank you very much
for watching.

See you next week. Good night.

(CHEERING)