All language subtitles for Top Gear - 11x05 - Episode 5.PDTV.RiVER.en

Tonight, we completely save
the countryside.

James and I completely ruin London.

And there be dragons
in the reasonably priced car.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello and welcome!

And we start tonight
where we finished off last week,

with the incredible Nissan GT-R.

Really.

We know that this car is faster
round the Nuerburgring

than a Porsche 911 Turbo,
which costs twice as much.

We know it's faster across Japan
than the bullet train.

But what we don't know, cos
last week I was on the public roads

and it was fitted with
an electronic speed muzzle,

is what it's like when you
really put your foot down.

So when the race was over,

I stayed in Japan for an extra day
to see if I could find out.

This is the Fuji race circuit.

There's no speed limit here.

No traffic either.

And best of all,

no need to be worried
by the Nissan speed governor.

On normal roads, all Japanese cars

But the GT-R satnav system knows
when it gets to a racetrack...

..And simply turns the limiter off.

First of all, I must apologise
for the sunglasses.

This is because yesterday I picked
up a hideous eye infection.

And I really don't think
you want to see it.

This though I think
you do want to see.

Flap your paddle gearbox
into manual.

We put the gearbox itself
into race mode,

the suspension into race mode,

we put that button down
to engage the launch control.

Left foot on the brake.
Build up the revs.

Here we go!

God!

It's hard to say how much power
the GT-R develops,

because each engine,
as I said last week, is hand built.

Each one is therefore
a little bit different.

But I think they put
a million horsepower in this one,

because the acceleration is
just blistering. It's just savage!

God! Face-ripping!

With the launch control engaged,

I did 0-60
in three and a half seconds.

And flat out,
it's even more impressive.

Partly that's down to the million
horsepower 3.8 litre twin turbo V6.

And partly it's down
to the shape of the body.

It looks like a discordant mess,
like Stravinsky designed it.

But every crease and every angle,
even on the door mirrors,

is there to channel air
to that big rear spoiler.

The result is absolute stability
and a top speed of...

Well, since this track
has the longest straight

of any Grand Prix circuit,
let's find out.

160kph there.

90!

220...

Come on!

240!

Into sixth gear at 250kph.

260... 275...

I'm on the brakes.

It will eventually do 193mph,

and that's impressive for a car
that's quiet and comfortable,

a car with four seats and a boot.

And it's especially impressive

when you think it wasn't really
built for straight line speed.

Mostly it was built to mash
your mind in the corners.

The axles are assembled
on hydraulic rigs that replicate
the weight of the car,

so the geometry is bang on

before the suspension
is bolted to the body.

It uses its yaw sensor and
G-sensor to measure actual yaw rate,

and can then adjust
the DampTronic shock absorbers

and the four-wheel drive system
every hundredth of a second

to bring the car into line
with a pre-ordained target.

I don't understand any of that.

But I do understand this.

The GT-R can corner
so fast and so violently,

each wheel has
a special knurling on the rim

to stop the tyres coming off.

It is extremely hard
to explain how this feels.

Agony is probably the best word.

The onboard readout is telling me
that in that last corner

I generated one and a fifth
more sideways gravity.

I wish my collar had a knurled rim -
it would stop my head coming off!

When you really get going
at this kind of speed,

you expect to feel detached
from the action,

like you're playing a video game,
just pressing buttons.

But incredibly, it feels mechanical.

It feels analogue, it feels human.

It feels fan-bleeding-tastic!

I thought when I drove
the Mitsubishi Evo-10 the other day

that there was no way the GT-R
could be worth twice as much money.

I just thought there's no way
it could be twice as good.

But it is.

And some!

They haven't built a new car here,

they've build a new yardstick.

Now at this point
I was going to tell you

about the incredible brakes
and the turbo whistle,

and how Lotus secretly developed
the spine of this car.

But before I had a chance,
I had a bit of a problem.

Agh!

My neck's just gone.

What I need is painkillers.

Honestly, I hate to cause
the fuss because...

APPLAUSE

You hopeless old fart -
a Datsun broke your neck!

It was already weakened,

from endlessly craning down
to listen to you.

LAUGHTER

Amazing rescue service
they've got there, isn't it?

I was very pleased to see that
someone had brought a lawnmower.

And a bin lorry.

The dustbin lorry did put
the fear of God into me.

Much like I did with them actually
when I took my sunglasses off -

"Oh, look at his eye,
it's disgusting!"

I'll tell you the problem.

You know a lot of modern cars have
those headlamps that swivel when
you turn the steering wheel? Yes.

Do you know why the GT-R
doesn't have that?

Save weight?

No, it's because the motors in that
sort of headlamp can't keep up

with the speed that thing
changes direction.

Honestly, it's just unbelievable.
It corners faster than electricity.

Wouldn't it be great to know how
fast it would go round our track?

Yeah, problem is,
you think it's in Japan.

But it isn't. We've flown it 9,000
miles so it can be here today

in the hands
of our tame racing driver.

Now some say that
he isn't allowed by law

within a hundred yards
of Lorraine Kelly.

LAUGHTER

And that he's never seen
an episode of Top Gear,

because he's a huge fan
of Midsomer Murders.

All we know is he's called Bergerac.

And he's off! Now remember,
this £53,000 car

has monstered a 300g McLaren
round the Nuerburgring.

But I doubt it will do that here,
because this is a power circuit.

Very tidy through the first corner.

Stig's neck, of course,
made of weapons grade titanium.

And he's still all over Elton John.
Let's hope he showers afterwards.

That is planted around Chicago.
A little wiggle on the way out.

Hammerhead - will the big V6
upfront drag it wide?

Not a chance.

Look at that - the Stig,
four-wheel drifting for Japan

even though he thinks
it's a fictional place.

OK, the follow through.
Bang up the double clutch gearbox.

Sounds like a fighter jet
through the tires!

Second to last corner,
digital car and analogue animal
in perfect harmony.

Gambon...

Super tidy, and across the line!

APPLAUSE

Mm.

Now...

Now, I was expecting it
to be around here.

The Ferrari 430,

the Murcielago 1,22, 1,23.

It did it, 1,19.7.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's a £53,000
four-seater saloon car.

And it's quicker than
Carrera GT, McLaren SLR...

Genuinely staggering.

Crikey! Small wonder that beat
the bullet train.

Anyway, this week Renault
have sent us something

they think we'd like to see.

And here it is -
it's a mobile telephone.

Now your mobile telephone may come
with something like a camera.

This one comes with a car.

And here it is,
it's the Megane Coupe Concept.

And the amazing thing about it is,

it's all operated
using this telephone.

I have, for example, just opened
the 1970s doors with it.

I can also switch on the headlights
like that.

On the inside, I can even turn
on the funky disco lighting.

You can do pretty much everything
on this car using the telephone.

You can even start the engine.

The only problem is they're never
gonna put it into production.

I have better news from France,

because this is the Peugeot 308 RCZ,

and they are going to put this
into production.

Well, look at it! It's fabulous.

It's got the same 1.6 litre
turbo-charged engine

you get in a 207 GTi
and a Mini Cooper S.

But it's been tweaked
to give 218 horsepower.

Up here this double bubble carbon
fibre roof also produces down force,

so this car doesn't have to have
an ugly spoiler on the boot lid.

Yeah. Not all brilliant though.

Peugeot say it's got four seats,

but I mean, come on,
even I'd struggle to get in there!

You're probably better folding
them flat, which you can,

and if you do that,

Peugeot say there's room
in the boot for a mountain bike.

Now we've heard this car will
be coming to Britain in 2010

at prices starting from £20,000.
How about that?

And I think actually, Hammond,
that on that basis,

the Scirocco that we had in a couple
of weeks ago, possibly a bit dull?

Yeah. It also means
I want to ask Peugeot a question.

If you could make
this car all along,

why did you waste our time

with all that other
dreary rubbish, you pillocks?

LAUGHTER
OK, time to do the news.

And we're starting with...

Well, you know Mercedes
now has the AMG division?

And then the AMG division now
has the Black Ops division? Yes.

They're like Skunk Works were
to Lockheed Martin.

We tested the CLK Black
recently, OK?

There's a new one. SL Black. Really?

Trust me, you wanna see this -
look at this.

Ooh! Just unbelievable.

It's got six litre V12,
twin turbo...

Enzo produces 650 horsepower.

That's 670!

1,200 torques, which they've had
to limit to 1,000.

If you unleashed all of that
in a fast start, you'd spin
the planet the other way.

Suddenly gravity
would be upside down.

It's gonna cost £250,000. Ouch!

But look at it this way.

Who's gonna say, "I know what,
I'll spend £100,000 more

"on a McLaren SLR Mercedes, which
is a little bit less powerful"?

Good point. It is.

That's Mercedes saying,
"I've got two feet -

"I'll shoot myself in that one!
That's better."

Right, moving on.

I've got a theory. Oh God,
don't you start with theories,

we have enough with his every week!
It's good.

Citroen is the only manufacturer
that has a whole range of good
looking cars. Very good. What?

Think about it. I am thinking
about it. The Cross Dresser.

The Cross Dresser's the weak one,

but apart from that
they're all good looking.

Think of another one. Picasso.

Ah, the Picasso - you say that,
but there's a new one.

Anybody think that's not funky and
good looking? It's not bad looking.

All right, C4.

C4's good, C5's good, C6...

Pluriel? Yes! Ha-ha!
Cock, I forgot about that.

You forgot about that!

It's a good point though that.

Can anybody here think which
car maker doesn't make an ugly car?

Across their whole range? Not an
ugly car in their range? Alfa?

Alfa? No. No, 8C, Brera, 159...

All good looking cars.

I'm very sorry. But they've just
announced the Mito, here it is.

And that is a minger!

That is a minger.

Has anybody else got any ideas?

Aston Martin? Aston Martin?

No. DB9 Convertibles.

It looks like it's bent.

Hummer

Hummer? Who said Hummer?
Like your thinking!

They're consistently ugly
across their range of one car.

And they're designed by Americans

who have the aesthetic ability
of giraffes.

I know the answer to this.

There's a surprise.

Vauxhall. Eh?

What, are you sure?

No, he might have a point.

The Vectra is going to be
replaced with the Insignia,
which is a fantastic looking car.

They've got the Astra. Actually..
That's good looking.

Corsa's really good looking.
Have you see the Agila?

We've got a picture of it here.
Sweet!

Don't say sweet!

Wee little car.

Vauxhall is now the only
carmaker in the world

that doesn't make an ugly car.

There's no real minger in the range.
No, there isn't.

AUDIENCE MEMBER MUMBLES

What did you say, baldy?

I can't hear a word you're
saying, I'm very old. What?

It's a small one they've
just brought out, the Gilo?

The Agila? Gila?

Were you watching the television?
LAUGHTER

That! See that. My favourite...

Come here. Look at that!
It's sweeeeeet!

That's not the one in the showroom.

You've seen one
in a Vauxhall showroom?

Yeah, over at Fareham.

It's ugly.

It's probably old,
that's the problem.

Ugh. Camera got in the way.

It's unbelievable, nobody
is listening to a word we say.

I was doing it in a high-pitched
squeak. That's really pretty.

Anyone who buys one of those,
I'll sleep with them.

Hilary Benn,
the Environment Secretary,

has been on the television
this week

and said he thinks the rise
in fuel cost is a good thing,

because it will encourage people
to use their cars less. Brilliant(!)

Thank you very much(!)

Let's not worry they've closed
post offices, schools,

the doctors, everything in my area,
because I can always drive
to the nearest town...

No, I can't.

I tell you what this is.
I tell you what this is.

This is from chapter one in
left-wing dictatorship handbook.

Oh, God. No, list...

It is. Stalin, OK.

First thing he did, limit movement.
Second thing, ID cards.

Know what I'm saying?

Third thing is curfews.
Rudruth this week in Cornwall -

if you're not at home by 9:00pm
you're down the Lubyanka,

Gordon Brown will pull
your fingernails out.

We've just proved
Gordon Brown is Stalin.

There he is.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good news. What?

The Dacia Sandero will have
electronic brake force distribution.

Great!

We've all got motoring heroes, yeah?
We've all got motoring heroes. Yeah.

A few of you will worship at the
altar that is Lewis Hamilton.
James Hunt.

Stirling Moss. Colin Chapman.

This week, Britain got
a new motoring hero.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,

Councillor Peter Greenhalgh
from Swindon Borough Council.

He's in charge of transport
and what this man has said this week

is that every year, Swindon Council
is giving the Government £400,000

in exchange for the speed cameras
that they put up around the town.

He says it's a blatant tax
on the motorist,

and he is getting rid
of every speed camera in Swindon.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Standing ovation! Peter Greenhalgh!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we had to honour him.

We can't just let this moment pass.

No. In the official register
of interest,

it says he hasn't accepted
any gifts or hospitality.

Well, that's gonna change right now,
because we have this for him.

It is the Top Gear
Trophy of Excellence

for Services to Common Sense.

It is yours, Mr Greenhalgh.

Services of Common Sense in the Face
of Blatant Government Stupidity.

You want to pop up here
and get that.

we've even provided you a chair,
the Top Gear Throne of Gratitude.

It's for you. It's for you.

Peter, you come here
and that is your chair.

Permanently here.

APPLAUSE

Can I just say though,

if you do live in or
are gonna drive through Swindon
over the next few weeks,

they're all gonna be watching
to see if it works,

so please be careful.

If you do happen to have
any sort of accident in Swindon,

wait until it's dark
and push the wreckage into Devizes.

And then claim
that you hit a speed camera.

Chrysler are about to announce
that all cars across their range
will come with Wi-Fi connectivity.

Eh? You get the device in the boot,

that allows you to hook up
to the internet on the move.

It's very clever.

What, you'd be able to check
your e-mails? Yeah.

Would you be able to look at
Abi Titmuss's ladygarden?

They say it's for passengers only.

It really will be a case of
I went on the M40 this week

and I found this.

LAUGHTER

You had to.

Now, if you want a comfortable,
well-equipped four-seater

for around £25,000,

there are currently 30 different
models on the market.

But these two, being old and odd,

decided none of them
were good enough

and instead wanted to buy cars
from the pages of history.

I should stress that
what we've got coming up now

isn't the usual Top Gear
cheap car challenge,

because these really are
their cars.

The stupid...

This is what I've bought.

It's a 1972 Rolls Royce Corniche
fixed head

with coachwork by
HJ Mulliner Park Ward.

And it's everything I look for
in a classic, luxury car.

It's quiet,
it's supremely comfortable

and it's quintessentially British.

Frankly, if you have £25,000
to spend on classic luxury

and you don't buy one of these,

you're an imbecile.

See what I mean.

Reichsmarschall Goering has arrived.

Morgen!

This, James, as I'm sure you know,
is a Mercedes 600 Grosse,

which was in 1963
the most expensive car in the world.

Overpriced then, like most Mercedes.

No! Does your car
have a hydraulically
operated sunshine roof?

No. Hydraulic windows?
No. Hydraulic seats.

No. Hydraulic doors?
No. Hydraulic boot lid?

No. Well, there you are.
That's that then, is it?

You've just got a Ford
Zephyr with a chrome nose.

This is a coach built,
hand-built car.

Hand-built is just another way
of saying the door will fall off.

What's this called -
Rolls-Royce Mulliner Park Ward?

H J Mulliner Park Ward. It just
sounds like a plumbers convention.

Can I just show you something?

You see these little windows,
do you know what they are for?

So that when you're in the back
and the window is down, this stops
the draught messing your hair up.

You've seen this as well?
Has your car got these?

Curtains? Curtains.
No, they go in caravans.

Are you ready for this?
Yes. OK, ready?

That's brilliant, actually. I have to
concede that because what I always
found really difficult is this.

Plainly, this had to be settled
and the only way Top Gear knows.

What the grocer did
was cement Mercedes's reputation

for engineering integrity.

I think the only reason they didn't
make it out of diamonds is because
they're too weak and brittle.

And then there's the ride.

Just completely irons out the bumps.

James will be saying
the same thing in that
Ford Zephyr of his, I know he will.

Absolutely nothing is allowed to
compromise the quality of the ride.

In fact, I like
to believe that if you worked
at Rolls Royce in the 1970s

and you ever used
a word like handling or sporty...

you'd have been fired.

This was a car for heads of state,
dictators if I'm honest.

People who had a 600 almost
always had access to an air force.

That's why nobody carves it up.
Partly cos it's got the loudest
horn in the world and also because

I can call in air strike.

At the track our producers
had laid on a series of tests.

The first inevitably
involved Lord Stig.

OK, surprise me.

As you can see,
the Stig is currently driving

a 1.1 litre Hyundai iEO
down a slalom. It's an i10.

Some say that's his own car.

You will attempt to beat his time
in your much more elaborate and
sophisticated cars. Here he comes.

It's a proud and noble car that is.

With the Stig's marker laid down,
the Rolls went first.

If this car had a monocle,
it would fall out now.

I can't hold it, captain.

It's always a dignified spectacle.

HE LAUGHS

Cock.

He's reversing!

'This was ridiculous.'

Gonna be sick.

OK, so the Hyundai did it
in 24.46 seconds and James...

That's not good, mate.

I had good reason to imagine
the greengrocer will do better.

This is my secret weapon.

Pull it down and it increases
the pressure in the shock absorbers

to £3,000 per square inch.

Cor!

It is cor! It will be like
an F1 racer going down there.

'It wasn't.'

No, it's not quite as straight
level as I might have hoped.

But unlike the Rolls
it's turning circle was less
than the width of the runway.

That's quite good, actually.

You've got to bear in mind
if you got a dictator in the back
and terrorists come,

you've got to get away quickly.

Oooh! It's a lot
faster than Captain Slow.

Cock.

'So with the first blood to Mercedes
it was time for our next challenge.'

"There will now be a quarter mile
drag race between the two of you."

But it says the only thing is you
aren't allowed to use your engines.

It says, "Old cars break down
a lot and you should get used
to pushing them out of harm's way."

A quarter of a mile pushing race?

I've put my back out
just thinking about doing this.

You're trying to get out of it.
Just say go. Are we ready?

THEY GROAN

I'm moving. I'm not.
And I was already ahead.

I've got no tracks on these shoes.

How much does yours actually weigh?

2.2 tonnes. Mine's 2.8.

Hang on, you're getting ahead.

God, this is painful.

I can't go on. I've had
a heart attack. I've won that.

Yes, you have, you've won.

I was still going. I don't care,
I'm not going any more.

I bet I've got Ebola.

Mercifully the next test
did involve our engines.

Which car could achieve
the highest top speed?

I've reached five.

Buffeting. I've got 80.

90. Good God, the trim's coming off.

But with a six
and three-quarter litre V8,

the final result
should be impressive.

It wasn't.

Children come out
of the womb faster than that!

Before James had stopped
I fired up the 6.3 litre big.

Top speed of this car
in 1969 was 128.

120 kph.

130.

160. There is, 100 miles an hour.

170.

Sto-o-o-p!

My brakes are on fire.

We can see the smoke.

It didn't stop and now it's on fire.

It still stopped better
than me, I have to say.

Yeah, your stopping
distance is rubbish.

With the score at 2-1 to the
grocer, we were given the easiest
challenge in the history of Top Gear.

Go to the centre of London and park.

On the way we stopped
for a cup of tea and an argument
about running costs.

My last service bill...

There it is.

£212 for a hosepipe!

Yes. What was yours?

Read it and weep.
That's the last service bill.

Eh?!

50...

I misread that at first!

£15,950.59.

There was quite a lot
needed doing, if I'm honest.

What did it do, buy you a Golf?

In London our cars were plainly
so much better than anyone else's.

Look at you, look at you
in the back of your Beemer.

You just look like
a businessman, not a dictator.

Look at him living out his
Chairman Margaret Clarkson fantasy.

JAMES BLOWS HIS HORN
Don't blow your horn, James,

or I'll blow mine back
and then your ears will bleed.

Sure, our £25,000 cars
were a bit enormous, but then

you need a lot of space when you're
talking about this level of luxury.

This is my cocktail cabinet here.

Air-conditioning, of course,
with mounting points
for your shot glasses.

Here is an interesting
early safety feature.

Window goes down. Window goes up,
but stops a couple of inches short.

Then you press a little button...

and it closes. That's so
you don't cut your finger off.

Look at this bus.
Why does he have to do that?

You wouldn't do that
to most 600 drivers, mate.

You'd be in the boot
without your head.

Soon, though, without executing
anyone, we were in the West End.

And all we had to do was park.

How hard could that be?

No... Double yellow lines. Single
yellow line, double yellow line.

Turned out to be a nightmare because
when we did come across a space it
always had a Smug Mobile in it.

Look at them!

Two gee whizzes taking up
one space, that's just selfish.

In May's Britain, that would be
punishable by six months in prison.

Happily though, electric
car drivers have no style.

So we headed for the one place
we knew would be gee whiz.

Savile Row. There's always
a parking space on Savile Row.

James, that's a parking space.
I'm gonna have it.

'Now we could
put this challenge to bed'.

I'm good at parallel parking.
I lived in London for 18 years.

How am I doing? Badly.

Well, I am going to park
if it kills me. Come on!

HORNS BLARE

HORNS CONTINUE
No.

What exactly
would you like me to do?

God, this is embarrassing.

RADIO 2 JINGLE PLAYS

RADIO: '..And that's affecting
traffic going into Harrogate.

'We're getting a lot of calls about
congestion and delays around
Regent Street in central London.

'I don't know what's going on, but
callers are saying it's a nightmare,
so avoid it. That's it for now.

'More traffic news in half an hour'.

It's not going to fit, is it?

'So, bravely, I gave up'.

I'm really sorry about that.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

BLEEP

I do not know how long
a standard London parking bay is,

but I suspect it's about a foot
shorter than the Mercedes big.

'Eventually, we did
find two end on spaces.

'However...'

Where do you put the money?

"Cards only".

'Annoyingly, the instructions
were tiny, very tiny'.

Because of all the different
languages spoken in London,
it's all just signs. What's that?

Flag minus plus...it's...

That's where you put
your PIN number, I'm sure.

Right, put your card back in.

"Selection avec bouton bleu..."
That must...

BOTH: "Pagmento". Where's that from?

Hit everything.
No, you've just cancelled it.

What was the matter with money?
"Remove card". We haven't paid.

We've been thwarted.

'At the next place we found,
you didn't need credit cards.

'However...'

'Customers are required
to set up an account.

'You will need
a valid credit or debit card.

'All transactions are subject...

'You are responsible
for entering the correct vehicle
location...parking regulation...

'Please check...find an
alternative spaces when necessary.'

HOLD MUSIC PLAYS

How long have we been now?
All my life.

'Bravely, we gave up again and headed
for a traditional multi-storey'.

Look at that, a ticket to park a car.

'This was great. They take
your money, however it comes,
and in return, you get spaces'.

Yes!

I am in, I'm parked.

Ah.

Oh, no!

I...I can't get out.

'And James couldn't get in'.

It doesn't fit.

Which was making
everyone very cross.

CAR HORN BEEPS
Shut up!

OK, fine.

You want to have a horn race?
Ready, steady...

HORN BLARES

Now, that's a horn!

'And it got us thrown out.

'It was becoming apparent
that the large car driver cannot
stop in London any more.

Because there are now so few
petrol stations, it is also
extremely difficult to keep going'.

Oh, bloody hell!

Jezza, I've run out.

Hang on, I'll give you a hand.

'In a normal car, this is
not embarrassing. However...'

WORKMEN CHEER SARCASTICALLY

Jezza, help, help, help!

Just push it. I'm going to get...
I'm going to get raped or something.

Come on, man, turn the wheel.
Put your foot down!

Hang on!

Come on, pump it, James, pump it.

Two miles an hour!
That's the fastest he's ever been.

Anybody not doing anything?

'London, it is a fantastic city.

'But unfortunately,
if you have a car like James's,

'you can't go there any more'.

Has it gone in your mouth?
Yes, it has.

Just admit that
mine's the superior car.

It's got more petrol in it.
I would admit that.

It is the colour of an afterbirth.
Afterbirth car.

There is only one way
we can settle this.

What I have here is a list of famous
people who, in the past, have owned
a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.

"Ooh, you are awful,
but I like you." And James May.

What do they all have in common?

What you're trying to say is,
because I've got a Corniche,

I must, by association, have
a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits.

That's it, yes!

Fair enough. Spangly jumpsuit man.
Let's have a look at the Big's
famous former owners.

Is Max Mosley on that list? No.

It's worse. It's worse.

An impressive list.
It is an impressive list,
but if your theory is correct,

you're either going to murder
millions of people

or die on the bog trying to get 500
cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.

LAUGHTER

So really, it comes down
to a simple choice.

Camp...

Or camp commandant. Exactly!

Now, it is time to put some
stars in our reasonably-priced car.

My guests tonight are both judges
on the immensely popular show
Dragons' Den.

My only problem
is that one of them has a name
that's very hard to pronounce.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Theodoros Paphitis and Peter...

Damn it! J-Jones...

The taller one! Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are you? Have a seat.

Now, what I want to talk
about first of all is this.

Since we started
having two guests a week,

we thought it'd be a competition
on the sofa every week.

But every week, everyone's
very polite, "No, I'm sure
you'll be faster than me."

"No, I'm sure you will be".
I'm getting the impression
you two won't be like that.

Absolutely not. And we've got
some questions to ask you. What?

What are they? Why is it that you
can't drive fast after all the
experience you've had on that track?

LAUGHTER

Weak, feeble, blind,
hopeless and terrified.

Shall we find out
your times later on?

No. Now, please.

No, later on. I've just
added ten seconds to yours.

Oh! Yes!

You see, they've already
started with the competition.

Listen, in business,
is winning kind of everything?

No, it's not everything.

What else is there?
It is everything, isn't it?

It is everything. He's lying.

And you judge it really
on how much cash you make.

It's just a scorecard.

The cash is a scorecard,
a by-product, and it says
you've had a good or bad year.

Yours is what?
You do stapling machines.

I'm a shopkeeper. Knickers, bras...

I thought you'd got rid of
the knickers. I kept a bit,
just to keep my hand in.

LAUGHTER

So, do you look at the
Sunday Times Rich List and look at
him and think, "He's ahead of me".

Nah, cos it's rubbish.
Oh, you do. You do.

Don't. You do. I don't!

You do. Seriously, every Sunday,
Jeremy, when it comes out,
I get that little text.

And it normally says, "BLEEP".

You even compete on height.

No, we don't. Theo's
given up on that one, I think.

He is tall.
You mock him for his smallness.

The only thing I mock him
about when we had these
beautiful cars, Maybachs,

he bought a slightly
longer one than mine. And he also
blacked out his windows.

That's the bit I really don't get
with Theo. Why would you buy
a car the size of a Maybach

when you're four foot nothing?

Nobody is ever
gonna see you looking in anyway!

You've taken the idea
of tallness, which is good,

and ruined it by going over the top.

You have. WOMAN: Look at his feet!

Look at his socks!

What possessed you to put those...?
Size 14. No!

You could go skiing
without renting any skis!

LAUGHTER
There's no point being that tall.

It's ridiculous.

I just want to get on to this
business, because you brought it up,
of the Maybachs. There it is, look.

Unwise, gentlemen,
very, very unwise.

Best car ever. No, it isn't,
not even close.

I had a Phantom on trial.

My boat is more stable
than that Phantom.

I used to have a Morris Marina.

That was more stable than
the Phantom. That explains why
you've bought a Maybach. Exactly.

LAUGHTER

Honestly, I once drove in one
of those, sitting in the back,

past some Eastern European
builders at a bus stop.

It redefined for me what hate is.

LAUGHTER

It's just a 600 Geneva taxi with
a bit of chintz in the back.
Have you seen the colour of his?

I have. I was walking
down Bond Street the other day.

It's beige, mate.
No, that's Jewish Racing Gold.

LAUGHTER

There's one thing
I am really interested in.

You've all got kids.

If you make a lot of money,
you've got quite a good idea
for your kids, haven't you?

Yeah, well,
I thought, what do you do?

You're making a lot of money and you
want your kids to be as grounded as
possible.

You know that's not really going to
happen, they are going to have the
fruits of your labour at some point.

So I decided, actually,
I'll set up a trust fund.

When they go to work and start
to earn money, for every amount
of money they earn in one year,

the trust fund pays them double.

So... So rather than getting £10
million or £1 million or £100,000,

one lump sum that they can just blow
to the wind, the trust fund doubles.

The other bit in the trust fund
is to encourage them to do
things that are good,

become a nurse, which isn't
well-paid, all those sort of things.
Then it triples or quadruples.

That's a good idea if you're
very wealthy and don't know
what to do when you die.

That is very clever. Now,
I want to talk about cars, if I may.

You are both big petrol heads,
despite the Maybachs.

You both started out with Alphasuds.
Which we only found out today.
Really?

They just told us.
I had three!

You had three? And then I got wise!
I loved my Alphasud. My Alphasud
was bright orange.

Every single day, I had to get
in and out of it like a lady
dismounts a horse.

I had to go like that. The reason
for that is that they used to
have papier-mache sills.

If I put my foot down,
I'd go through them.
LAUGHTER

Anyway, the Alphasuds went.

Then you did the Golf... GTi with
wonky rabbits at the back. Yes!

He is a man of great taste!

Have you got a
personal registration plate?

Not one, no.

How many personal
registration plates have you got?

Quite a few.

Have you got one?
I wouldn't buy one.

That is so wrong,
because I bought him one.

What was it? W411KER.

LAUGHTER

The Golf GTi, good,
and then you moved into
the sensible world of the Mercedes.

No! No, I got
my first and last Porsche.

944. 944? You did the Porsche.
I did the 911 SC Targa.

Colour? Gold.

LAUGHTER

And what happened to that?
I had a bit of a problem.

One of the guys I employed...
our company cars at the time
were Ford Orions.

And we decided to
have a bit of a race.

I didn't think it was any
competition with my nice 911.

You raced your 911...
Against a Ford Orion. Mmm.

You lost the race.

And you think he went faster
than you round our track?
Definitely, the way I was driving.

Anyway, look. It is time, gentlemen,
to see how you did out on the track.
Get off.

Peter Jones, let's see your lap.

Right, happy with the start?

How on earth is a 6 foot 7,
17 stone lump like me

going to beat
a 5ft whippet like Paphitis?

Excuses, excuses.
That's good, actually.

Ooh, that's very good.

That's very neat
through the first corner.

Like driving a hairdryer on wheels.
Don't you be rude.
That's too wide...

Just. If all else fails in my
business, I've got to beat the Stig.

LAUGHTER

They don't make overalls
that ridiculously big.

That was a bit wonky coming in
there, but nicely held
on the way out.

What a place to put a cameraman!

We've got millions of cameramen.

Did you lift off through there?

No, flat. Flat out through there.

That was quick.

This is the first
globally warm day we've had.

That's fantastic!
Second to last corner's brilliant.

Gamble... It's a wild one,
and across the line. Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Are we ready to see Theo's? No!
Let's have a look at Theo's.

TYRES SCREECH, LAUGHTER

That's called killing the wheels.
There'll be no clutch in this car
by the time we're finished.

We'll see. It's a tough old bird,
this. Did you like it?

No. It's better than your Maybach.

Oh, brake! Brake!

You can't brake there!
You'll be off in the field!

Oh, gearbox, gearbox!

What's the matter with the gearbox?

It wouldn't go in!
Yes it would! It went in,
or that wouldn't be moving!

Where are you going now? It's all
over the place. Dirty old bomber!

You're the first two
we've had who haven't swore.

Even the newsreaders last week
were swearing. That's very good.

That's better than the tall one.

Wait for it!

And turn flat out.

You've got to turn
sooner than that. You've missed.
Too much! Keep your foot down!

Did you actually lift off?

That was quite brave,
cos you got that entry all wrong.

What are you doing? I can't really
see. That's looking pretty neat.

Coming up to Gambon...
AUDIENCE: Oh!

Lordy, Lord!

APPLAUSE

The Stig did actually say
he'd never met anyone
with less concept of speed than you.

LAUGHTER
He said it was the first time
he's ever shouted at anybody.

He was scared.
He actually wanted to get out.

Yes, I noticed there was
a brownness to the back of
those normally pristine overalls.

He also said you're quite heavy.
Are you really 17 stone?
17, 10, yeah.

Fat bastard! I know.

Right. Theo... Yes?
Where do you think you came?

Er, if I got
under 1.50, I'll be happy.

Smile away!

1... I'm afraid I have
called you Theo Pamphlet.

Cos...
LAUGHTER

I've been called a lot worse. Yeah,
right. Under 1.50 is what you want.
You did it in one...

forty...

eight point five. Wow.

And that's really not bad at all.
APPLAUSE

Simon Pegg.
You're faster than Doctor Who.

Now, we go on to Peter Jones.

Where do you think you came?

To be honest, I don't really
care as long as I beat Theo.

LAUGHTER
Oh, get to the point!

All right, here we go.

One...

forty...

I can't remember... Oh! Oh!

..Six point nine. Oh!

Give him a round of applause,
everybody.

APPLAUSE
That is a great time!

The Stig, who has an
internal barometer, tells me that
Cowell came here on a cold day,

when engines run better, and he said
if you were able to lose a couple
of stone, get to Cowell's weight,

you would have been the fastest
we've ever had. Wow! He was that
impressed. Thought you were BEEP.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a huge pleasure.
Theo and Peter, everybody.

APPLAUSE

It's time now
to talk about Green Laning.

Basically, it's a countryside sport
for people who have Land Rovers,
Land Cruisers, tough stuff like that.

It's not really a sport, is it?

It's a collection of people with one
eye, who go into the countryside,

dress up as murderers and then go
in a field and see who can get
the muddiest. No, it isn't.

It's a group who see
who can do the most murdering.

No! It's about man and machine
together, against nature.
Yes, you do get muddy.

You get stuck in huge,
stinking pools of the stuff.
But you wade through it.

You throw a winch line round a tree.
You pull the car round.

It's tough, its technical
and, well, it's brilliant.
It sounds ghastly. It is.

But the thing is, Green Laning is,
I don't know, like golf -
it's fairly harmless.

However, there are a group of
very bitter-faced...ramblers,
who want to have it banned.

They actually are calling for it
to be illegal to drive a vehicle

into the countryside for the purpose
of having fun. Yeah. Seriously!

This gave these two idiots
a bit of an idea.

You see, hunting has already
been banned, and they were wondering
if there was a way of combining

Green Laning and hunting
into a great and perfectly legal

day out in the countryside for the
sort of halfwits who live there.

Yeah, because you can't hunt
foxy-woxy any more,

we decided to see if you can hunt
a small, Japanese off-road car.
LAUGHTER

This is a countryside.

And this is the Ledbury hunt.

Normally when they meet these
days, they have to turn up with a
bird of prey which can kill the fox

once the hounds have rooted it out,
or someone with a gun can shoot it
once they've got it cornered.

But, today, they won't have to use
any of that subterfuge, because what
they'll actually be hunting is him.

Yeah, as you can see,
I have everything you need
for a day's off-roading...

..including a car, obviously.

Its a £13,500 Daihatsu Terios -
and I know what you're thinking.

It doesn't look like a fox.

So, why will the hounds chase it?

Ah...but look at this one!

Of course, despite my best efforts,
this doesn't look like a fox either.

But the hunt master says he can
at least make it smell like one.

It's called red neck juice.
It's fox pee and glands.

You put that on there. So, they
look at it and go, "That looks like
a car, and it sounds like a car.

"Because it smells of fox pee,
I'll chase it."

They hopefully won't get a chance
to look at it until they catch you.
IF they catch me.

Harry... Meanwhile,
Hammond met his car.

You said you could ride.
I trot around the country lanes
on a little pony!

This isn't quite the same sort of
thing. It's only a pony horse.

It's not. It's a hunter called Harry.

The fact of the matter is,
you passed your driving test.

That qualified you to drive
every car. Yes?

You don't get in a Bentley
and go, "Oh, I'll never
be able to control it."

So, get on it. It's different.

He's a a hunter... Can you
ride a horse? Yes. Is that a horse?

Technically, yes. Get on it, then.

D you want me to give you a leg-up?
Yes. Thank you. I've got to have
one of these on.

Right. On three...

Oh, my God! Sorry.

Can you do it
a bit less ferociously? Go!

Thank you.

I'm slightly out of balance.
Get it into there.

Oh, that's brilliant.
That's how they are in the National.

Why don't I adjust this horse
and we'll have a hunt,
and you'll get killed and eaten.

As the rest of the hunt knocked
back a refreshing breakfast,
I scoped out the route of the chase.

OK, I've got to get
from here, where I am now,
to here, on top of this hill.

It's about nine miles.

As far as I can see, the only real
problem is crossing this stream,
which I shall ford.

Honestly,
Mr Darcy on his trusty steed -
Evostick - doesn't stand a chance.

I've just noticed
something about my horse.

He's had a Brazilian.

The hounds were ready.

The horses were ready
and, under the rules of Top Gear
small Japanese car hunting,

I was given a two-minute start.

Here we go!

0-60 in 12 seconds.

That's not fast, I admit,

but it's faster than Colin Firth's
going to be able to manage

on his horse.

Trying to think like a wily fox,
I made straight for the nearest
wood.

Come on!

Proper Green Laning, off-roading
enthusiasts might knock...

..but unlike their beloved
Land Rovers and Humvees, the small
and agile Terios doesn't lumber.

It boings like a spring lamb.

Oh!

Braer Clarkson's two minutes were up.

If anybody has an objection
to what we're doing here,

do please feel free
to keep that objection to yourself.

Keen to mask my scent,
I made for a patch of hyacinths.

Ah...!

You see, if I'd had a Humvee
there, I'd have just got wedged
and I'd now be in a dog's tummy.

Come on!

The hyacinth plan was working well.
The hounds were completely stumped.

We're hunting a 6ft 5 fox,
he can't be hard to find.

Actually, I couldn't even
find myself. I'd got lost.

The woods.... Which woods...?

Then I learned something
interesting.

Fox pee is more pungent
than flowers.

They're right on my track.
They are now on my track.

Come on, little foxy Tereos thingy.

Oops...

HUNT HORN SOUNDS

We're through. I'm out.

All the hunters were now
chasing me at full speed.

Well, when I say all...

Right, what we've done
is lost the hunt.

I can see tracks. There's car tracks.

I'm using my tracking skills. I'm not
even using the hounds. Ow, a tree!

The main pack
was now out of the woods.

But, in open ground,
the Terios pulled out a big lead.

I've got a bit of a tank slapper
here.

Hello, people. Would you like me
to murder you? I'm an off-road
enthusiast.

I was now ahead by two full miles.

A gate!

I've got to get out and shut it.

That's not gone well.

So, Jeremy had caught up with his
car, and I'd caught up with the hunt,

which, worryingly, wasn't stopping
for the gate.

I've never jumped.
I've never done that.

Perilously close to Wales now -
perilously close.

Oh, Christ!

Go on!

Oh, God...! I'm still on!

I had 84 horse power. They had 12.

But theirs were like Terminators and
so I decided to give up with the
gates as well.

OK, can we jump the hedge? Let's
jump it!

Or through, that will do.

I think there can be no doubt,
watching this, that Top Gear
has saved the countryside.

No rambler, no matter how bitter
and twisted they may be,
could possibly object to this,

because the Terios is so light, it's
not even breaking the buttercups.

No, no, no!

Ah!

Come on, Terios fox!

Check it out!

Plainly, reckless speed
wasn't working,
so I went back to animal cunning.

Nobody can track me through water.

That's a bit deeper than I thought.

Oh, please don't do that.

Please, come on!
I beg of you, I beg of you!

We've found him again.
Why won't you work?
Why haven't I got low range?

Animal cunning had let me down,
so I tried ringing for help.

'Good afternoon.
AA Emergency Breakdown Services.
How can I help you?'
9999
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