All language subtitles for Top Gear - [11x04] - 2008.07.13 [RiVER].srt

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

Hello and welcome. Thank you.

Now, we start tonight
with a question we've borrowed from
Radio 4. Can a car ever be art?

Most experts on the subject say no,
but then most experts haven't

clapped eyes
on Alfa Romeo's latest creation.

It's called the 8C
and I think it's quite simply
the best-looking car ever made.

It's not dramatic.

It's not ground-breaking.

From some angles,
it's not even desperately pretty.

As Francis Bacon once said, there is
no beauty that hath not some
strangeness about its proportions.

And he's right, whoever he is.

Look at Keira Knightley, she's just
an ironing board with a face,
and she works.

So does this.

With its long nose and short
tail, it's as classically
correct as a Ferrari Daytona,

or a Georgian's house.

You probably expect the noise
it makes to be classical too,

like a cello being played by an
angel in a pillow of honey. No.

ENGINE REVS

Sadly, only 500 8Cs
have been made, so it's very
unlikely you'll ever see one.

But if one passes within
20 miles, trust me, you'll hear it.

ENGINE REVS

Some cars have tuned exhausts,

so the noise they make
is as fake as a hooker's smile.

But this sounds real.
This sounds fantastic.

Listen to it on the overrun...

ENGINE ROARS

Ha-ha!

So, it looks gorgeous
and it sounds amazing.

And on top of that,
it's an Alfa Romeo.

If I can liken the whole global
car industry to the human
body, Toyota is the brain,

Aston Martin is the face,
Cadillac is the stomach.

And Alfa Romeo,
as we discovered last week,
that's the heart and soul.

So, what is it, then,
this £110,000 car?

Well, at the front,
there's a 450 horse power 4.7
litre version of Maserati's V8.

The gearbox, in true Alpha
tradition, is at the back.

The Ferrari seats are carbon fibre.

Most of the car, in fact,
is carbon fibre, so it weighs
less than a Mitsubishi Evo.

You might imagine, then,
that it's very fast.

They say it'll get from 0-60
in 4.2 seconds and that
its top speed...

ENGINE ROARS

..is 182

I think they could have made it
faster than that.

But then it would have been faster
than a Ferrari, and in Italy,
that's a bit of a social no-no.

That would be like
vomiting on the Pope. Sorry.

What about the handling?

It should be good. The weight
distribution is bang on,
there's a low centre of gravity...

it's even got a limited slip diff.

Add all this together and the
overall result is...terrible.

TYRES SCREECH

The steering feel's wooden.
And the suspension... It feels
like it's made from old tea bags.

Here's some sacrilege.
It feels like a Mustang.

There's the
flappy puddle gearbox.

I don't like any of them, but
this one really is a bit ESN.

And the worse thing?

You're driving along and
your foot gets jammed
underneath the brake pedal.

TYRES SCREECH

I don't really care about
any of these things, because

buying this car
for its dynamic abilities is like
buying a porn film for its plot.

I don't care, either, that
it has a ridiculous boot.

Or that it has no back seats,
or that the steering
wheel's in the wrong place.

I wouldn't care if the seats had
spikes in them and the sat nav had
Tourette's.

I don't even care about the price.

I mean, somebody recently
paid £17.2 million for this
fat woman on a sofa.

And which would you rather?

153 of those,
or an enormous cleaning lady?

A man from the Tate Gallery told me
the other day that a car can never

be art because, for something to
be art, it can have no purpose
other than itself, no function.

Well, look at this.
It doesn't drive very well,
it's not been built with much care,

and it is hopelessly impractical.

What Alfa has built, then, is
not a car, it's a centrefold.

What Alfa has built is
14 feet of art.

ENGINE ROARS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at that, James!

I have to admit, you're right.

It does work better as a poster.
It's like the Lamborghini Countach.
This should be

supplied with four pieces of
blu-tak on it so you can stick
it to the wall.

Anyway, we must now find out how
fast it goes round our track.

And that, of course, means handing
it over to our racing driver.

Some say his droppings have
been found as far north as York,

and he has a full-sized
tattoo of his face on his face.

All we know is he's called The Stig.

And he's off. Global warming
means it's superwet out there today.

The poster's going
to get very soggy.

Very gingerly into the first corner.

Back-end, is that lurching
a bit? Looks like it is.

But the Stig's got it under control.

# I can see that
you're waving goodbye... #

The Stig's still still loving
Daniel.

Surprised the Daily Mail
haven't picked up on that.

Very sideways coming out of Chicago.
Coming up to Hammerhead now.

This could be quite understeery
in this weather.

Nope. The Stig has used a hoof
full of throttle to cure that.

Look at that driving...
impressive stuff!

# It looks like Daniel... #

Now the follow-through.

Can he open it up here?

On this lake where the
track used to be...
There's the tyres.

Finally he gets there.

And opening it up now on the
main straight towards the
two corners left.

Very twitchy. Stig earning his
raw pork treats today.

He's going through, all over the
shop. And across the line!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bit of a clue here how well it did.

If we look here,

in similar conditions, the Mercedes
SL55 did a 133.2 The Alfa - 138.2.

That's one of the slowest cars
we've ever put round there.

But think of it this way, as posters
go, it is is quicker than that
tennis girl scratching her arse.

Right, the news. Now,
we were sent a picture this week of

a biker caught in Holland,
I think it was, doing 137kmh.

Well, here's the picture.

It kind of tells its own story.
There's one key thing there.
He's not on it.

Interestingly, he wasn't prosecuted
because he claimed he wasn't riding
the bike at the time of the offence.

What did he claim? Probably said he
was washing it and it fell over.

And it slipped and accelerated
and kept building speed.

There's a Top Gear top
tip here.

If you're driving along,
see a speed camera, no chance
of slowing down, leap out.

Don't do that if
you're a coach driver!

No. Now, as you know, we get
quite a few letters of complaint
on Top Gear.

A lot are from communists and
hippies, so we ignore them.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, last week,
we thought nobody would be watching

because that epic tennis match
was on, which we were all watching!

It turns out
one person was watching Top Gear,
and boy, is he an eagle-eyed chap.

Eagle-eyed chap isn't what you
said when his letter arrived!
I called him something fruitier.

He says he was
watching the show when I was driving
an Alfa Romeo along the road.

He says, and he's complained to
the police, that I clipped
a double white line.

Well, here's the footage.

That bloke should have been
at Wimbledon with those crossing
the white line spotting skills.

It appears
I'm banged to rights and

I think apologies where apologies
are necessary, I'm very sorry.

I shouldn't have done it.
I'm normally fastidious.

But a mistake.
Good job I'm not a brain surgeon!

LAUGHTER

Now, are there any mothers here?

Yes. Well, Fiat has decided you
need patronising. So, they've come
up with

a limited edition version of the
Panda. We've got a picture of it.

Why is it for mothers?

It's called the Panda Mammi.
I'm not joking.

LAUGHTER

And they've given it an orange
interior and a purple exterior
to match your varicose veins.

And a really big
boot that it's embarrassed about.

And it's air bags are two feet
lower down...on a normal model.

What will they do next?
A "Fiat recently divorced father"

with a sat nav that only goes to
the zoo?

That's a good idea, actually.

I've got a Fiat Panda and a nephew
and niece, so they could bring out

the Panda Unsuitable Uncle, which has
just got a very sharp kitchen
knife left lying around.

I went on the internet this week,
and I found this.

GROANS

It is just pure pornography.

Look at it. It's filth!

That is a convertible version
of the Alfa Romeo HC that I
was driving a few minutes ago.

That is gorgeous, though, isn't it?

Great news! What? The Dacia
Sandero, I've got a new picture!

Anyway, I think we've had more
signpost sent in this week.

We're having this campaign
to get rid of
unnecessary signposts.

Imagine if you're driving along,
thinking "These roadworks ahead
look really complicated.

"I hope they put signs up
to simplify it all for me"

Well, they have. There you go.

That's made it a lot easier.
What is...?

My particular favourite
from the week is this one.

LAUGHTER

As opposed to gradual gunfire!

Here's mine.

Some bloke nailed that to the post,
stood back and said, "Yes. I don't
see anything wrong with that."

It could be in the other direction.
I see what you mean!

Anyway, Boris Johnson, has announced
this week that the London congestion
charge will not,

as Ken Livingstone
suggested, be going up to £25 a day,
he's keeping it at eight.

APPLAUSE

Boris has got a round of applause.

However, in the interests of
political balance, I do have a
complaint about Boris because

he said when he was
campaigning that he was going to get
rid of the bendy buses.

Well, what's the delay?
Hang on, give him a chance. How
long's he been in office now?

Two months. Two months? Time me.

Right, we've got a phone. Hang on...

Ready, Go! Is that Reg Varney?

You know those big long buses
with elastic in the middle,
get them off the road.

Don't send them out ever again. Sell
them to the Belgians or someone.

Was that two months?

Eight seconds.

Come on, Boris, hurry up!

That's sorted that one out. Good.
Hey, Audi's bought a photocopier.

No!

Yes. Bear with me,
it's a really good one.

They put the
Q7, the big huge thing they've got,
they put that through their new

photocopier at 75% and made this,
the Q5, which is a whole new Audi,
you see. It's just exactly the same!

It really is.

Seriously, is that a new car?
This one is the new one,

about 75% the size of that one. Have
your mum and dad got a photocopier?

LAUGHTER

Yes, and it was stuck at 60%! 60!

Yes, all right. Moving on.

I want to talk about the new Ferrari
California. Here it is.

And that, I think, is the first
Ferrari ever with a front-mounted V8.

You think? You don't want
to say that in public.

(IN A NASAL ACCENT) You'll have the
Ferrari owners' club coming
round your house.

"Mr so-called celebrity
so-called May. Surely you
remember the B3684/B from 1956?"

Ooh, they're an adenoidal
bunch of angry young men.

Mostly angry because they
haven't got Ferraris.

"I've got a
polo shirt with Ferrari on it."

No, I'm going to say that that is
the first Ferrari in the company's
history with a front-mounted V8.

That's brave, a brave thing to say.
I'm going to say
something else brave.

That's not very good looking. You're
right. It isn't, is it?

there hasn't been a good
looking Ferrari since the 355.

We think they're good looking
because they're Ferraris, but
they're not. It's like...

Who's that girl in Sex And The City?

Sarah Jessica Parker.
We all go, "She must be pretty."

She looks like a boiled horse!

LAUGHTER

Right, that's the end of the news.
Wait. Check my flies. You know how
eagle-eyed our viewers are.

They're not that eagle-eyed. What?

Not that eagle-eyed.

APPLAUSE

This is a Datsun 120Y.

The company that created it has
now brought out a follow-up model.

It's not coming to Britain till
next year but the follow-up to
this, I couldn't wait.

So last month, I went all the
way to Japan to try it there.

This is what I've come to see.

The 193mph Nissan GTR.

It's a very far cry
from the old 120Y.

Its engine is made in
a hermetically sealed lab to ensure

the components don't microscopically
expand while it's being assembled.

Its tyres are filled with
pure nitrogen, because normal air
is considered too unstable.

No-one has ever made
a car this way before.

The world's motoring press
is hailing it as the
prow of the good ship progress.

A £53,000 turbocharged
four-wheel-drive rocket ship which

redefines the way we think
about automotive speed.

Plainly, the best way for us
to test this incredible car
is for one of our Top Gear races.

But to do that, my colleagues would
have had to come out here as well.

Here's what we've got in store.

A race starting here, were we
are now on the western seaboard,

right across Japan, that's
400 miles, to a mountain here.

At...Noko...

..There. Where there is a statue to
the Buddha of road safety.

Yes. We're going to be using
the most efficient public-transport
network in the world.

And most of the time, we're going
to be on the 200mph bullet train.

Very nice, bullet train.

Great. And I'm going to be
taking them on in the GTR.

Yes, on roads with
a 60mph speed limit.

Where there's a policeman
every 200 yards.

And you're going to have
to drive through Tokyo, which is
the most congested city on earth.

A piece of cake.
You've had it.

And so, at precisely 11
minutes past eight in the
morning, the race began.

Look at them.
They look like ramblers.

We now had 25 minutes to get
into town, find the station
and catch our first train.

They have so many
connections to make,

so many forms of transport to go on,
the chances of them making it
without a single mistake are nil.

If they do make a mistake,
that's it.

Have you seen these manhole covers?
No. They're fantastic.

A boy from Birmingham and a man with
no sense of direction, in Japan
won't win. The end.

Here we go. You don't know what that
says! But there's a red dot.
That must mean, "You Are Here."

Look, the ice-skating man

with the picnic table.

That's a man on skis
playing a harp next to it which
probably doesn't mean train station.

I want to adjust the
scale on the sat nav.

But it's all in Japanese.

I daren't touch it in
case at all just goes off
and then I'd be doomed.

Konichiwa. The station?

THEY IMITATE A TRAIN

The thing is, you see,
all Japanese cars...

SAT NAV SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

Help!

'To deal with the language
problems, we'd all been given

'speaking translator machines and
at the station, we fired ours up.'

Ticket...

This isn't going to take long(!)

He knows you want a ticket.
It's a ticket office.

Good point. He won't think
you're asking for shoes.

MACHINE SPEAKS JAPANESE

Sorry, that's wrong. That was, "Is
this seat taken?" How do I go back?
It can't be difficult. Sorry.

The road has opened up. Here we go.

Don't try and match the symbols.
I know you are.

OK, I've got a 3.8 litre,

twin turbocharged V6 engine,
which produces...

Actually, I've got no idea
how much horsepower
because each one is handmade.

Nissan say it's around 470 brake
horsepower but an American magazine

and it was producing 507 horsepower.

Morning. It's like being
in a black-and-white film.

Morning.

But the best thing about it
is that each gear box is tailored
to work with a specific engine.

This one wouldn't work
in any other GTR.

Not even NASA do that
with the Space Shuttle.

They're not just hanging around.
Look, there's a line.

You have to walk
through the lines onto the train.

What a brilliant looking train.

OK, here we go.
The motorway network.

Now we can be a bullet car!

The Datsun would cross Japan
by motorway,

go through the centre of Tokyo,

under Tokyo Bay and up
a mountain road to the finish line.

We would take four trains and a bus
to the bay, cross it on a ferry,

and then get to the finish
on a cable car.

Our route
was almost 150 miles longer,
but we would have no jams or delays.

87% of normal trains
in Japan are on time.

But, for them,
being late is anything
over a minute behind time.

So that's a late train,
if it's a minute.

But in the UK, to be late, it's
got to be over ten minutes late.

And if trains are late,

you get a free rail journey.

So if this is late, we don't pay,
and we get a pass that explains
to your employer why you're late!

He's had it.

There are a lot of speed cameras on
the motorways but they put signs up

saying "It's in 300 metres, 200
metres, 100 metres, there it is."

The only trouble is
the signs are all in Japanese.

'However, I'd come up
with a cunning plan.'

In Japan, a simple photograph
of the number plate isn't enough.

They have to also have a photograph
of the face to know who was driving.

So what I've done,
is I've made this.

It's a Bill Oddie face mask.

So he's going to be sitting
in a badger hole somewhere,

and he's going to be collecting
points in Japan on his licence.

PHONE RINGS

Hammond. 'Yes?'

'Was your train late?'

'No! Nothing's late.
It left to the second'

on time. You've had it.
We're going. We're on the way.

MAN SPEAKS JAPANESE

We're being shouted at. Hang on mate,
there's a man shouting at me. What?

Mate, I've gotta go, I've gotta go.

I like it when there's an
emergency like that in his voice.

You know something's gone wrong
in his world.

It might be rude to use
the telephone in the train.

'Unable to talk to my rivals,
I started to fiddle
with the GTR's buttons.'

All the graphics on the system
were done by the same company

that does the graphics for the
Gran Turismo PlayStation game.

This is amazing.

Engine oil temperature,
water temperature,
engine oil pressure, boost!

And that one gives me
my acceleration and braking in G.

Steering G. There it is.

MACHINE SPEAKS JAPANESE,
WOMAN REPLIES

I can't understand the answers.
Exactly, it's pointless.
That's the problem.

Two fried eggs,
that's not what I want.

I do that. Oh yeah, that was...

"Sorry officer, I was trying to
get half a G while changing lane."

There we are.

As James and Richard
trundle towards Kyoto,

I was hurtling up

Or was I?

I'm definitely in Switzerland.

I've gone wrong. Somehow, I've gone
through North Korea, Russia, Poland,

Germany, and I'm in Switzerland.
How have I done that?

'The mountains were staggering,
but I couldn't look

'because the Japanese had tunnelled
through every single one of them.'

Finally, I'm out of the tunnel.

Sunlight! It's gone again.

Two hours into the race

and our train, bang on time,

was already
two-thirds of the way to Kyoto.

For Jeremy, however,
things weren't going so smoothly.

Hello? 'Get out of the way man.'

Come on! Come on!

What are you doing?
You're in a traffic jam?

'Hammond, there's
a man driving at 9mph!'

There's no one wonder
China's going to overtake you

as the dominant industrial power
if you drive at that speed!

BEEPING
Hello?

Don't tell me, it's the biggest drama
ever to befall a car journey.
It actually is.

'Predicting the traffic
would wind me up,

'the Top Gear office had provided
me with a calming new-age CD -

'The 100 Best Whale Songs.'

WHALE SONG PLAYS

No!

No! No, no! Not roadworks.

'Besides the whale music, the office
had also given me a packed lunch.'

Mmm... These are crabs.
Can you see that?

Real little crabs, Shell, legs.

Mmm...

'Meanwhile, we had arrived
at Kyoto Station where we'd
switched to the bullet train.'

BOTH: Let's follow everybody else.

We have got to get a bit of a
move on because it's 11:10am
and our train goes at 11:32am.

'Getting a move on, though,
wasn't easy.'

There's a ticket machine. Tickets!

That's it. Destination three. Right.

Now what?! There's millions of them!
I don't know.

I don't know either!
I don't know what any of this means.

This... See the
little Indian fellow on the top?

This is lemonade,
curry flavour.

'Eventually, we had our tickets.

'And then, Richard announced
that he was hungry.'

I don't like any of that.

I won't like those.

Certainly won't like that.

That is just a fish, lightly killed
and then put in a bag.

The marvellous thing is that
Richard Hammond won't be able
to enjoy any of this,

because he won't eat anything
unless it's come from a
burger van on the A38.

"I don't like cheese.

"It's full of bacteria."

Mate, it's all fish.
Yeah, it's good for you.

I don't like fish. Well,
you've come to the wrong country.

Speed camera!

Is that it? Yah.

Is it supposed to look like that?
They call it
the duck-billed platypus.

Well, they're not joking, are they?
And it is 11:32 on the dot.

SAT NAV SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

Hello, Jezza, we've just boarded
the bullet train in Kyoto.

'I still had all of Japan to cross

'in a car which is limited
by Japanese law to 112mph.

'They, meanwhile, were now
steaming towards Tokyo at 200mph.'

I don't care how clever
his Datsun is. We're going faster.

God! The average delay
on the one we're on, two years ago -
six seconds.

Six seconds?!

They're electric, obviously,
the trains.

They actually have a motor
in every single carriage
rather than just power cars

to keep the weight distribution even
to reduce wear on the rails.

There are three names
of bullet trains...

I think that's enough facts.

Hey! Hey!

OK, "Plemium." Premium. "Plemium."

All the way up and as
quickly as possible. OK.

WOMAN SHOUTS IN JAPANESE

I have seen X Factor winners
less cheerful

than all petrol pump
attendants are in Japan.

SHE SPEAKS IN JAPANESE

Look at this! Brrr!

How frightening's that?

He can spot your beaver
from about a mile away.

Good grief!

Show the viewers.
That's where we got on - Kyoto.

And we've been on for
minutes and we're there,
and we're going to where's Tokyo?

There! So, we've gone there
to there in no time at all.

'While the girl gave my GT-R
a thousand-smile service,
I went to buy some more dead fish.'

SAT NAV: 'HIV...'

I was loving Japan.
I was loving the race.

But, weirdly,
I was struggling to love the GT-R.

It's not the gizmos that I find
depressing, like I do in a Ferrari.

They're wrong in a Ferrari
but this is a Nissan.

You expect it to have
yaw sensors and G sensors,

It's Japanese. That's right.

I just wish that at road speeds,
it would occasionally

put its hand down the front of my
trousers and have a little rummage.

It's almost like it finds
a dual carriageway in Japan
just a bit, sort of, easy.

'Nevertheless, it was still a car,

'which means it would easily beat
those two on their Victorian relic.'

Come on, car, I need 5% of your
potential to beat these idiots.

'And, boy, did the car respond!'

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Mate, can you hear me?
I'm in Tokyo.

No, you're not. 'Oh, yes, I am!'

'I don't believe you.'
Unfortunately, mate, I am in Tokyo.

How the hell have you done that?

'Driving a product of the
21st century,'

not something
from the Middle Ages.

He got cut off.

They will be so depressed by that.

It's the bullet train! Honest
to God, they have been so cocky

and confident that this time they
were going to win, and they're not!

'We were down but not out,
because we knew

'he was heading
straight into the jaws
of Tokyo's legendry traffic jams.'

So, it's time taken in Tokyo now.
Yes.

Tokyo is where the battle
will be won or lost.

APPLAUSE

Really struggling
to like that car.

I don't like the way it looks.

And on the, sort of,
dual carriageways,

it's a bit like a digital camera,
you know? It's very clever...

But it's got no soul.
It's got no excitement.

Anyway, we do have a full track test
of this later in the series,

and we'll be picking
the film up later on.

Now, it's time to put some stars
in our reasonably priced car.

Here's a thing, OK?
A lot of people say

that female newsreaders are only
chosen for the way they look.

But plainly, that isn't true,

because my guests tonight
are a right pair of mingers!

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen,
Fiona Bruce and Kate Silverton!
APPLAUSE

Hello. How are you? Good. Not at all
mingers! Hello. How are you?

Are you well? Very well, thank you.
Have a seat.

Ah! I was looking forward to today.

Good, so were we. Yeah.

You've appeared on Top Gear before.
Yes. You pushed me out of a lift.
Do you remember?

Yes. And then you said something
and I had no idea you were saying it.

A lot of people thought
I said you had a nice bottom.

LAUGHTER
Are you saying you didn't say it?
And you'd be right!

"That Oxford-educated newsreader's
wearing cotton."

LAUGHTER
Jeremy, stand up, let's
have a look at your backside.

It's got a thing on it... Everybody,
what do we think? Facing this way!

SOMEONE WOLF-WHISTLES

It needs a bit of work!
I've been smacked by a...

It's like being Max Mosley!

LAUGHTER

I've been hearing from The Stig.
He says that you

are one of the most talented people
we've ever had round the track.

Who are you looking at? Me?
Yes, you. And you're
one of the most stubborn.

I don't like being told what to do.
He said that.

When he said "Turn left,"
and you turned right
and said, "It's the same thing,"...

Yeah. ..On a track, it sort of isn't.
He kept bossing me around.

I hate that! I liked it!
LAUGHTER

So, you had fun. The only thing
I can think of that is more fun
than this is reading the news.

Really? It'd be fantastic!
I'd love to read the news.

Do you think anyone would
believe you?
LAUGHTER

You wouldn't be allowed to.

You sit in the studio,
warm, read stuff out, lesbians come.

Remember that? Yes. The lesbians
chained themselves to the desk.

We've waited for six years for
lesbians to chain themselves to
things.

Is that your dream? Oh...!

LAUGHTER

We had one guy came in - I
don't think you were there then,
and he was so cross about something -

probably the way we were
presenting or something,
that he broke into the BBC

and hurled a printer
through a glass partition,

as he tried to make his way
into the gallery.

Or your co-presenter
lets your chair down mid-link.
That happens to me a lot.

We couldn't do that with Hammond.
He'd disappear out of view.

You wanted to be a journalist,
didn't you, from a young age?

Yeah. Your heroes were...?

I've always been a bit adventurous,
so, Ranulph Fiennes was
a big hero of mine,

and then I saw the film,
Under Fire, about Nicaragua.

I thought of being
a war correspondent.

I kind of got slightly satiated
when I went to Iraq last year.
Did you get shot at?

I got mortared and dived
for cover on air. Typical BBC!

Me in the middle of the screen with
my two soldiers I was interviewing.

Mortars started dropping.
The solders, "Mortar!"

Sophie Rayworth's on the line going,
"What are you doing?"

This is still live. She says,
"We'll be back with Kate
as soon as we can."

LAUGHTER

I'm quite angry about that.
It's the job I most wanted to have.

Is it?! Oh, Antiques Roadshow?
It is a fantastic job.
Why would you want to do it?

I love all the detail
and that getting in there.

You can tell it wasn't made
in 1643 in Stoke.

But the best thing,
the absolute best thing,

is when they come along, "How much
do you think it's worth?". "£200."

"No, I'm afraid it's worthless."

Or no! When they say, "If you'd kept
it in the original box..." That's...

"It would have been worth £10,000."
Sadly... My favourite one I
ever saw on the Antiques Roadshow,

someone brought a bowl
with a lid on, and she'd
Sellotaped the lid down.

When they'd taken it off, it was
yellow. "If that had been in
its original condition,

"it would have been worth £1,000
but because of something
YOU'VE done,

"it's worth about threepence
ha'penny." I laughed like a
drain for weeks!

LAUGHTER

Now, I want to talk about cars,
if I may. Er, Kate...

Early cars. Anything good
or embarrassing?
I had a lovely early car.

I inherited it from my sister.
She paid £75 for it.

I bet it wasn't lovely.
It was a Citroen Diane.

I was right.

Red. She painted black dots
all over it, so it was a ladybird,

and then I put stickers all over it.
To hold it together? Yeah!

LAUGHTER
I loved it.
I learned everything about the car

because you could mend it
with an elastic band.

Can you mend cars? My dad was a
London cabbie, and insisted that he
wasn't going to have girlie girls.

At least not with me! I'd
change tyres in the middle
of the forest if we broke down.

Why were you in the middle of
a forest when you broke down?

That was always my route home from
the pub with all my friends in the
car. Epping Forest! Essex girl.

Yeah, I am. It's OK!

LAUGHTER

And your cars, then? I got a
Citroen. Which one...? C4 Picasso.

It's great! You didn't buy a Picasso!

It's really good. I love it. It
switches the headlights on for you,

you don't have to put the
handbrake on, it does it for you.

This is hurting you, Jeremy.
My type of driving.

It's a hateful car!
It's not. It's brilliant.

It's not! I can't believe
how rude you are about my car.

He's so rude about my car.
Isn't he rude?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Is the Picasso terrible?
AUDIENCE: Yes!

LAUGHTER
Nooo! Come on!

We must get on to your laps.
Oh, God! The weather wasn't good.

The Stig was nice, was he?

Yeah. Very nice, yeah.

He genuinely is impressed with...

I think the follow-through, he said
you did it flat out in fourth gear.

What do you mean the follow-through?
It's a very fast...
LAUGHTER

It's what you do if you
go flat out in fourth gear.

In the pouring rain.
Well, it was only because I think
he must have been kidding.

He said, "Go flat out in fourth!"
When I came out, I went, "I did it."
He went, "You're kidding."

He wanted to give you the kiss
of life if something went wrong!

I have no idea

whose lap is lined up
to go first of all.

Shall we have a look, everybody?
Let's play the tapes.

Who's that in there?
I think it's you, Kate.

'No, it isn't!' BLEEP,
that was first gear!

Now I'm in fifth!

Oh my God, that was hopeless.

'We got the gears sorted out.

'Here we are first corner.
That's lovely.

'All right?!' This is so much
more fun than the school run!

'It is.'

'It looks so slow.'

'Trust me, it isn't.
That's very tight through there.'
God, I need a boat, not a car.

'Coming up to the hammer head.
Are we going outside the line?
You want to watch this.

'Eagle-eyed viewers will report you
for crossing the white line there.'

Fourth gear. Don't brake into
the corner, just go for it! Woo!
'You did it as well!

'That's a follow through.'
'Is it? Oh yeah, I did that quickly.'

'Flat out?' 'Yeah.' 'I'm startled.

'And that's beautiful line
through there. You're being modest.'

'That's on the grass.' Oh, God!

'Here we go, into the last corner.
That's brilliant. Fantastic!'

APPLAUSE
That's very good.

I couldn't change the gears properly!
That looked really fast.

That was really fast. Shall we
have a look at Kate's now? Yes!
Yes, Play the tape. Oh, God!

SKIDDING
'Look at that!'

'Yes.' Oh, my God, I can't
believe I'm officially
in charge of a car on my own.

'Really?' Like this.

'That's an alarming thing to say!

'Into the first corner.' Weeee-ow!

'Like a mouse!

'Come on!' Foot is right down.
BLEEP.

'Sorry!'
LAUGHTER

'I don't know what to say(!)

I don't know who I'm apologising to
but I'm a newsreader.
I shouldn't swear.

'No! Save it for when Gordon Brown
comes on the telly next time!

'Right, here we go.
That's very smooth through there.

'Slightly less exuberance.'
I'm going to go in fourth flat out
round the corner.

'This is very brave
what's happening here.'

Ooooh!
LAUGHTER

Oh, I'm enjoying this!
You don't say(!)

'And again,
that was very smooth through there.

'Cutting the corner nicely round.

'The tyres squeal in that water!'

APPLAUSE

So, Fiona, I've got yours here. OK.
Where do you reckon?

Definitely going to be at the bottom.
No, you're not at the bottom.
You did it in...

one minute, which means you're
not at the bottom. Oh good, yes!

57.4.

That is hugely quick out there.

We could take seven or eight seconds
off that because of that.

Well, bung it up then!

I can't bung it up, that's the time
you did it in. Unfortunately.

Now, Kate. I think I'm bottom then.
You're definitely faster than me.

You reckon?
Without a shadow of a doubt.

No! I think it's bottom.
One minute, so not bottom. OK.

54.7.

APPLAUSE
That is seriously quick.

4.7 is there.

I'm a bit innumerate. If you take
seven or eight seconds off that,

you'd be up with the Trevor Eves
or Gordon Ramsays. Yeah!

Stig was impressed! You should
stick it up there, definitely.

LAUGHTER
In a manner of speaking.
And on that bombshell...

it's probably time to end!
Thank you very much, guys!

Thank YOU! Ladies and gentlemen,
Fiona Bruce and Kate Silverton!

Right, tonight we're
having a race across Japan.

It's between Jeremy in the new GT-R,
which is billed as
a sort of spaceship,

but which we think is just a Datsun,
and us on brilliant
Japanese public transport.

And it is just across Japan,
from here across Tokyo,

across Tokyo Bay, and then up
a mountain to the finish line, where
there's a Buddha to road safety.

Now, when we left the action,
Jeremy had just entered Tokyo,

which is the most jammed up city
in the world,

and we were on the brilliant
Bullet Train doing 200mph...here.

So the car was ahead,

but to maintain that lead,
I was going to be relying heavily
on my Japanese girlfriend, Amy.

SAT NAV INSTRUCTIONS IN JAPANESE

The trouble with Tokyo
is that it is about 50 miles
from one side to the other.

SAT NAV INSTRUCTIONS IN JAPANESE

I was braced for the Tuesday
afternoon traffic that lay ahead.

If it was really bad, all of
Bill Oddie's speeding tickets
would have been for nothing.

I thought he'd still be about here.
We're still in it.

We were now arriving at
Shin-Yokohama Station

on the edge of Tokyo,
and the next part of the journey
for us was critical.

Jeremy could plough straight
through the middle of the city

to get to the bay, but we had to
catch two more trains and a bus

to reach the ferry terminal.

We couldn't afford a single slip.

Transfer to...subway.

Right, fork, yes!
SAT NAV INSTRUCTIONS IN JAPANESE

Amy and I were now
in the middle of Tokyo,

and despite James's claims that
we'd be stuck in traffic for a week,
the simple fact is this -

There wasn't any.

James, "It'll be all traffic,
worst traffic in the world,
you won't move." Look at it!

We had less than ten minutes
to catch our next connection.

Er... That's the subway. Subway.
Tokyo's not a city,
it's a racetrack.

BEEPING

Well, that's no good. Do we have to
have another ticket? I don't know.

Er... Can we ask? How do we buy?

Where do we get off? Honestly,

I didn't think
I was going to win it.

That's obviously the fare, it
gets bigger as you go further away.

How much do we need?
Bullet train, pah!

Right, I think it was this way.

Right, go! Go, go, go, go!

We were in such a rush we boarded
the tube train not knowing if it
was going in the right direction.

This is the Yokohama city subway,
but does it...go to Yokohama?

Yokohama, number 20...

It's four stops. So if this flashes
23, that's the next stop and we're
going in the right direction.

If it says 25,
we've got to jump off.

23...

Yes. Yes!

I didn't panic(!)

This is what comes of not
having a congestion charge.

We were now at yet another station
looking for the train to Kurihama.

Kurihama? Kurihama?

Kurihama?

I was so confident that
when I did occasionally
get stuck at the lights,

I broke out some of the Japanese
toys the office had provided.

TOY GUITAR PLAYS

It's an air guitar!

MOBILE RINGS
It's May or Hammond.

Hello. Jeremy. Hammond, how are you?
I'm very well,

how are you doing?

I am in Tokyo, and I'm
going brilliantly well,
I shall look on my sat nav.

'How fast are you going?'

Oh, my God. What?
I've just turned the sat...

I've turned the sat nav off.

Why did you do that?

I just wanted to look where I was,
cos it comes up on
the phone thing when you're on.

Well, I can tell you exactly
where you are now you've
turned your sat nav off. Lost! Bye!

With all the sat nav's controls
in Japanese, I had no clue
how to get it back on again.

Oh, this is just...

I'm going to have to...

This was a good moment.

We had successfully caught the last
of our four trains and would be
at the finish line in two hours.

Meanwhile, Jeremy,
for the first time, was in trouble.

No.

Right, there's a plane coming in
to land there, that must
mean...Narita airport's over there.

TRANSLATOR SPEAKS JAPANESE
Sorry, I just asked for
the wine list.

That's not right. Amazingly, I
found a policeman who spoke English.

'Sort of.' Yes, this tunnel.

This road will lead down, uh...

one, two, three...four signal.

Lights? So four signals?

Four, maybe. Maybe?

As our train waited in the station,
I went to try my luck with one
of the onboard drinks machines.

MOBILE RINGS
Then James rang.

Hello? Yeah, will do. I haven't
found a vending machine yet,
but as soon as I do, I will.

Yeah, but we're not moving.

Well, not now we're not.

What do you mean we are?
No, we're not.

Mate, I'm not on the...

How can I not...?

Gear position,
braking, acceleration.

MOBILE RINGS
Hello.

James? No, it's not James,
it's me... Why would James
be ringing you up?

Because there's...

Something peculiar has happened.

We're not on the same train.

What?! Hello.

We're not on the same train.

The train stopped in a station,
I was walking along it to try and
find some drinks from a machine,

and then James had moved off, he was
in the front of the train, it split,

I don't know where yet.

I stopped in the station, then
I got off my train to see what had
happened, and then my train left.

So if that was the right train,
I'm not on it.

If it wasn't the right...
One of us is on the right train,
one of us isn't.

If it's any consolation, mate,
I've just arrived at a dead end.

I've got to ring James now,
I'm sorry.

I might just go for a cup of coffee
on this basis. Ha-ha-ha!

'I was just now all alone with just
a Blair Witch Handycam.'

Hello, viewers.

Jezzer has obviously
spoken to Hammond, because Jezzer's
just rung me up to gloat.

Erm... Kurihama?

Kurihama, yeah.

OK, moment, please. Come down.

This man got me on the
right train, and I called James.

But my train was 15 minutes behind
James's, so I'd have less than
two minutes to catch the bus.

You're going to have to hold it.

Just run like hell from the bus,
because if you miss
the bus, we're stuffed.

SAT NAV SPEAKS IN JAPANESE
Amy's back! Amy's back!

Amy's back on my screen!

I pushed everything, she's back!

And not before time - being
lost had cost me 45 minutes.

The lead I built up
had been wiped out.

Show me some of your muscles,
car, show me your muscles.

TRANSLATOR SPEAKS JAPANESE

That says, "Do you know my friend?"

I mean, "Can you wait, please?"

'I was now off the train and hoping
to God James had held the bus.'

Buses, there should be buses.
There's no buses.

I was now heading for the tunnel
under the bay in a big hurry,

and for the first time
the GT-R was starting to come alive.

When you put your foot down like
that, you just get the vaguest whiff

that this car can go round the
Nurburgring in 7 minutes 29 seconds.

That's faster than
a McLaren Mercedes,
it's faster than a 911 Turbo.

MOBILE RINGS
Hello? May.

I'm with my old mate Richard Hammond.
(Damn it!) Oh, great!

Mate, they're cross
cos you're on your mobile.

Hello? We're in trouble now for
talking on a phone on the bus.

He wants to talk to you.

Oh... Hi.
Do you know what time you're
actually getting on that ferry?

25 past, it leaves, we're getting
on it at about 22 minutes past.

All of us were now
minutes from the bay.

Is that bell bad?

This is really close now.

Still in the bosom of
Japanese public transport,

the finish line in 55 minutes.

All we could do was hope Jeremy's
life would be less predictable.

It depends... How busy it is.

..on the terrain, whether it's
small roads, whether it's busy,
whether there's a speed limit,

whether he gets lost.

Small roads? No, not really.

As the immense bridge ended,
I knew it would all be down to
the final charge up the mountain.

Frankly, what I'm going to need
to win this now is a divine wind,
and I've got just the thing.

I'm ready! Here we go!

I knew they'd be at the finish line
at 4.25 precisely.

Arrival time, 4.31.

That's six minutes after them.

I'm putting the gear box in race,
that speeds up the change time.

I'm going to put the suspension in
race, that firms it right up.

Then I'm going to put
the traction control in race,
that lets me have some slip.

Bang on time, the ferry docked,
a full mile from the cable car,
but we had no intention of walking.

I've no time to slow down
for these barriers.

Wimbledon with barriers
like that on the end of your arm.

Ahead of me lay the mountain road -
GT-R country.

God...
Just now it's all coming together,
it's all just becoming a GT-R.

'Hello.' Jeremy. Yeah,
where are you?

We are disembarking now.

This is so damn close.

I can't work it out,
but he is...he is...very close.

I've now got it down to 4.27.

Ready? Yes.

Let's do it. Right.

Uh! Wah! Ah!

Ah!

4.24.

This is the clash
of the titans now, and it's
going down to the wire again.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I wish you could feel
my heart rate now.

I really wish you could
feel what's going on here.

Go!

Hold on! Thank you.

Come on, come on, come on, baby!
'I was now giving it everything.'

So at the top here there is a Buddha

to road safety. Apparently.

Wouldn't it be brilliant if
we got there and Jeremy's GT-R
was buried in the middle of it?

"Watch this, I'm here..."
"Oh, dear." "Bang."

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This way. Finally, I made it
to to the Buddha's car park.

Victory is mine!

But that wasn't the finishing line.

Go where? Where?

Run! Come on, go, go, go!
Just leave it, leave it, leave it!

That's not a temple.

We were now converging on
the Buddha up two different paths.

Are you sure we haven't overshot it?
Come on!

No!

Please, God...
don't let them be here.

HE PANTS HEAVILY

They aren't here.

A car just beat the Bullet Train.

That's Buddha!
This is the Buddha to road safety!

And this wall was 12th century,
erm...so you remember from
the lecture I was giving you...

Hi, guys! Oh.

Just interesting...how this
is a different century to that.

Yeah. Yeah.

You ran up there as well? Oh, yeah.

Congratulations.

How long have you been here?
Really not long.

Genuinely? Honestly?

Three minutes 12 seconds.

That is so close.

Thanks, Buddha.
You looked after him.

Disappointed! Wait for it.

TRANSLATOR SPEAKS JAPANESE
Which is? That's the Japanese...
For? "Oh, cock!"

Now, look,

we do arrange those races so that
we know they're going to be
close, but even so.

That really was astonishing. Anyway,
there's not much else to say now,
except thank you, Tokyo,

for being empty and thank you
very much for watching.

See you next week, good night!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk