Original subtitles

Welcome to divorce support circle.

So your best friend stole your husband,

and now they're both living in your house.

Karma will get them.

But revenge, that's real.

An eye for an eye.

Get them out of my house.

I get my little revenge. Shouldn't you all get yours?

- Whose ex is up next? - To revenge!

Tell me, Emily, how exactly did

your little healing circle turn you into a killer?

We found blood traces 3 meters away

from where the body was recovered.

DNA matches yours.

As I said previously, this is voluntary

and you're free to leave at any time.

Do you understand?

So tell me, calum, how is it

that your DNA wound up at a crime scene?

Again.

Calum, stop that!

Why haven't you answered my calls?

- You're upsetting Bella. - Do you think I'm stupid?

Do you really want me to answer that question?

She's not even home, she's at one of fucking

four million after school clubs you pack her off to.

There's nothing wrong with becoming accomplished.

No, but there is with lying.

I told you the talent show was a genuine mistake.

I got it mixed up with the swimming gala.

- I know what you're doing. - Really?

All right, what's my evil plan, calum?

You hate that she still loves me,

that she enjoys hanging with me.

Callie, that's adorable.

- "Callie, that's adorable." - Mature.

Look, I'm here to tell you that it's not gonna work.

I've taken weekend shifts, so come September,

I'll have a decent home ready for her.

All right?

What?

Well, has your solicitor not told you?

About what?

Look, joint custody seemed like a good idea at first,

but it's just not practical.

Bella needs stability.

One home.

So I'm going for sole custody.

Teaching kids like Bella every day,

I know what they need.

I'm just doing what's best for my daughter, calum.

Please, put your hands together!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to trust casino!

- Wow. - Yeah!

Now, each of you gets 20 trust tokens.

Thank you.

To bid on a whole range of scenarios.

But sometimes the brain needs

a little trick to process things.

And that's where a little fun comes in.

Guys, how much trust do you think you deserve from others?

Fuck it!

None of this is gonna help! It's bullshit!

How is any of this gonna help me keep Bella?

Fuck you, Elvis!

This is great, calum!

- Let it all out, mate! - Fuck off!

It's all part of the process!

- You okay? - Yeah.

- I'm sorry. - Don't even think about it.

No. I was out of order.

It's just my ex, she's...

She's turning my kid against me.

There's nothing I can do about it.

So messed up.

They always try and get the kids on side

so they don't feel like the villains.

That what your ex did?

We didn't have any kids.

She's made Bella her bestie.

She's making me the bad guy.

It's too much. She's just a kid.

If you're using a child as a shield,

you're not fighting for custody.

You're fighting for revenge.

Calum, I'm happy to bankroll it for ya.

You said you don't even hate your ex.

Fair point.

Well, I've lost all my friends.

None of them want me around, because I just remind them

that marriages can end.

Look, I really like this.

I know all I bring to the table is money and a big mouth, but...

look, I really need your help.

I just want Bella to have both her parents.

And if bex gets her way, I'll barely exist in her life.

Plus... She calls John Lewis "Johnny Lou Lou."

- God, no. - That's outrageous.

- My god. - That's disgraceful.

Well, that's decided. Nail the bitch.

Game on.

Guys, shouldn't we have

some kind of ex selection process?

You know, just to work out who gets to go next?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Pains me to say it.

- Kosher Kardashian's right. - Can you stop calling me that?

We do need a fair process to decide who's next.

Beer mats of reckoning.

- Emily. - Okay.

Calum.

Right.

Let's get your daughter back.

Thanks, guys.

Tomorrow, 10:00 A.M., we plan the shit out of this.

- Bit nippy tonight. - Feels all right.

- Well, you know best. - I'm sorry.

Can we just... What happened on the roof?

- Yeah, I mean, what was that? - I don't know.

You ran off before we could talk.

You should've seen your face after.

I mean, you shouldn't have started it

- if you didn't want to... - I started it?

You came to see me.

Yeah, to thank you, not kiss you.

Right. That's how it is.

You just use men when you need a bit of comfort.

What, am I like a hot water bottle with lips?

- I'm sorry, what was that? - I don't know, all right?

Just... you can't just come to somebody's work

- like that and then... - Okay, fine.

- Next time I won't thank you. - I'm not saying that.

- Did I say that? - Right.

- So you do want me to kiss you? - No! Fuck no!

- Do you want me to? - No.

- Good. - Fuck no.

- Good, good. - Good, that's great.

Are we just fucked now?

Are we just, like, damaged goods?

I don't know. Just...

Just grabbing moments where we can pretend that we're not.

I don't mind pretending.

Whoa!

- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.

What the fuck is with this lighter?

Does that annoy you?

It annoys everyone.

It's cheesy.

I stopped smoking when Bella was born.

First I just kept it around to remind me of that.

Now that I can't see her every day... I don't know.

Just... holding it reminds me that I'm still her dad.

And not to do anything stupid.

Not to do anything stupid?

How's that going for you?

Not great.

So here's a mad idea.

Would you wanna go on an actual date...

With me?

How old are you, 12?

The thing is... Your life's properly tragic...

Whichever angle you look at it.

But don't worry, it's not all that bad.

Because...

You're honest.

And... you're, kind.

Keep going.

Irritatingly funny.

And you smell nice.

Is that a yes?

So why corporate law PR?

You've not done it before.

Well... making billionaires seem human?

It's a noble cause.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Making better decisions than my last five years.

Fuck!

Right, mission parameters.

We got to get dirt on bex before the custody hearing.

Look, just enough to get me joint custody.

I don't want to destroy her.

And you're gonna have your work cut out.

I mean, she's squeaky clean.

I never heard her fart once. I'm not even sure she does.

We could put drugs in her locker.

I mean, they did it on sunset beach,

one Tree Hill, the o.C.

No, no, no, no drugs. Too risky.

Besides, with the gcses coming up,

she's practically living in that classroom.

Exam time.

Teachers are under pressure to get good results.

Might do something stupid, like...

Get their hands on the papers early.

Planting stolen exam papers?

It feels a bit crap, to be honest.

No, actually, that's good.

Your solicitor could argue that if bex

is willing to lie and cheat at work,

how can she be trusted as a parent?

What values is she teaching Bella?

Not so crap now.

That could shake the ground enough

to make joint custody realistic, no?

All right.

But if stealing exam papers was that easy,

I mean, wouldn't everyone do it?

Please. They do.

Every year.

Teachers, students, even schools.

Government just doesn't want you to know about it.

- What? - Back me up here, Rita.

Wake up, love.

Then how do we get one of their staff out

for a couple of days and slip one of us in?

I'm a records clerk.

We can sneak someone in,

get them to put the papers in bex's locker.

It's easy.

Except we don't have any papers.

I can do it.

I know people.

Yeah, okay, sure.

'Cause hacking a school system is the exact same as,

what, changing your mate's Netflix password?

Challenge accepted.

Rach, you'll be our operative

- at bex's school. - Copy that.

I'll help Rita sort out whatever I.D. you need.

But first, we need to find the right teacher...

And remove her.

Abi tofton.

General learning support.

Cat mom.

Prosecco enthusiast.

Competition addict.

Loves luxury spas. Gotcha.

- Rachel? -Yes?

Are you happy to pay for an all-expenses luxury spa trip?

- With you? - No.

For our lucky competition winner.

Rita, make it happen.

- Rachel? - Yes, copy.

You'll be miss lavington. Year nine supply teacher.

- Copy that. - Right, listen up.

I'm gonna teach you how to pick a lock.

Squeeze the tool into the tiny crevice.

- Trying. - Feel it, Rachel.

- Feel it. - It clicked!

Yes, Rachel!

Told ya!

Quarter turn, click it.

St. eadric's school. 8:00 A.M. sharp.

Go get 'em, girl.

Copy that.

Okay, Rachel, listen up.

Checked for weakness, breach, and method.

Sorry, I don't speak hackanese.

Find the orange stairs.

They should be past the canteen.

That will lead up to the staff room.

You go into the staff room, go to the computer,

type in exactly what I sent you,

- exactly the way I sent it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, every letter, every symbol.

You call up the papers. Print at break.

Simple.

- You sure this is gonna work? - It will work.

If we'd printed it off-site... red flag.

But since it's coming from

the school system, it should be fine.

Remember, first floor, room 10, green door.

Yes, I'm looking.

Do not fuck this up.

Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say,

sitting behind a desk. It's me with my ass on the line.

This has taken hours and hours of planning.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you understand they're counting on us?

I found the orange stairs.

Shame we can't find your brain.

Fuck you, tej. Do you know what?

You think being smart makes people like you.

Well, it doesn't. 'Cause underneath it all,

you're just a sad, lonely, pathetic little worm.

You okay?

Lavington has gone rogue. I repeat.

Lavington has gone rogue!

That's my audio book. Thanks.

I... I love your shoes.

I actually saw them myself last week in...

In Johnny Lou Lou.

- That's what I call it too. - No.

- Yes. - You...

You couldn't show me the staff room, could you?

- Sure, miss... - Miss lavington? - Yep, supply teacher.

- I'm bex. - "Bex"?

- Lovely name. - Thank you.

Lovely name, lovely shoes.

Aww. Sorry.

Please, please, please, please...

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on.

Miss lavington.

Hey, get, get to class! Get to class, quick!

Settle down! Settle... settle down!

Good morning, year nine. This is miss lavington.

She'll be taking care of you today.

Okay? Over to you.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

Right. Now, you're... you're all doing excellent work.

So just... Keep it up.

Okay, eyes down. Thank you.

Actually know any maths, miss lavington?

Miss, miss! Is the linear equation

always a function or are there exceptions?

Okay.

Miss lavington!

Just wanted to say thank you.

You were a real lifesaver today.

My pleasure.

After miss tofton suddenly came down

with acute histamine intolerance syndrome.

- Where do you usually teach? - Me?

Walmesden high.

Really? My wife teaches there too.

I'll tell her I saw you.

Well, look, thanks again.

Hope we see you back here soon.

Thank you, Mr. Rudge.

Steve, she pulled it off.

Yes! Good girl.

Miss lavington was a star.

She's done it. Fuck.

- Fuck indeed. - All the fucks.

- Then some. - Fuck.

Okay, so tomorrow, the head gets an anonymous tip and...

Boom.

You really think he'll buy it

that she actually stole the papers?

I don't see how he wouldn't.

My god.

Is it weird that I'm starting to feel guilty?

Yeah, that passes.

Really?

See you at 7:00.

- Thanks for the lift. - 7:00 sharp.

Thanks for coming.

This homework's doing her head in.

If she wants me here, I'll be here.

Bella! Your dad's here!

Come on, Mrs. Henderson needs that tudor village by tomorrow.

I don't need his help!

You sure, darling?

Bella never asked for me, did she?

You just want her project to get an "a."

- No. - Unbelievable.

I thought it might be a nice chance...

it's bad enough that you mess with my head.

Please, why would I mess

with your one remaining brain cell?

Playing us like puppets in your wee doll's house.

Someone learned a metaphor.

Lying to our daughter. Making her hate me.

For Christ's sake, calum. Of course she hates you.

- She's 11. - You turned her against me!

- Wanker! - Monster!

- Do us all a favor and die! - Stop!

- Bella. - It's not fair!

Why can't it be like it used to be?

We're sorry!

Bella, love, we're sorry, all right?

Bella!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Mode, mode, mode, mode.

You said you were going first.

It's not just the quickest one. It's as quick as you go.

- Well, well. - No, you can't.

Fake. Look at her.

Kate. Mark.

Mark. Pear.

I can't believe you were married to Mr. Smoothie.

Yeah, well, don't be fooled.

Jack ponces around like lord sugar with muscles,

but he's got the business brains of a flip-flop.

You know the amount of times my dad's had to bail him out?

You could launch a rocket to the moon.

Wow.

Dan used to chug down his protein drinks.

No idea he branched into booze.

Yeah, nor me till yesterday.

I mean, these days, we only talk through lawyers.

Honestly, Rachel, you're amazing.

Yeah. Ginny gin.

I mean, the way you pull that off.

Do you know, Emily, I'm still

buzzing like a bloody rabbit.

Do you think Steve's hot?

Objectively handsome? Yeah.

And tej, my god, what is he doing in that restaurant?

Should be working at mi-fucking-5.

He is one annoying little twat.

I think he's just going through some stuff.

Yeah, well, who isn't?

Got to get ready to meet the girls.

That was nice. Yeah, it was.

Look, I know that you think I'm the devil,

but I really did get those dates mixed up.

Yeah.

What happened to us?

Who's that woman you were with earlier?

Just a friend.

Might have been just a teeny bit jealous.

Well, mum's coming over in a bit to look after Bella.

Unless you'd rather stay with her?

I can't.

There's something I have to do.

Steve, meet me at the school.

We've got a situation.

Thanks, mate. I owe you one.

It's Rachel. She cocked up.

She left the papers in the wrong desk.

Really?

Quiet in. Quiet out.

No mess. No drama.

Fuck!

First floor. Room 10.

Green door.

All the way down. All the way.

Spanish. Yeah.

This is the one.

All right. You keep watch.

- L'Chaim. - L'Chaim.

What you did for calum was incredible.

You know what? I actually really enjoyed it.

Yeah, it's just really nice not being me.

- That's really sad. - Yeah, I know.

You know, I might have a thing for calum.

It's nothing anyway, not really.

And he stood me up anyway, so...

Could you not tell the others?

Yeah, of course.

As in, I... I can keep a secret.

Even though Jack's always on at me for running my big mouth.

I thought we hadn't spoken in months.

My god.

That's bex!

That's calum's bex with the headmaster!

Phones!

No!

Zoom in!

This is really going for it.

I'm gonna zoom in, you zoom in.

He is married, that dirty, rotten scoundrel.

Cheers, mate. Owe you one.

I know Rachel didn't mess this up.

Those exam papers are still in your bag, aren't they?

Sorry.

I just felt too guilty.

I've been shot in the leg.

I cracked four ribs in a Humvee rollover.

I've spent a night in a ditch

in hellmane province with dengue fever.

But... nothing hurts like lonely.

Nothing.

I'm so sorry about tonight.

Don't be. I had a great night.

I'm about to leave.

Let me finish.

Intriguing.

When Bella was born, I swore she'd have what I didn't.

A real family.

A home with two parents.

And if there's even a chance, any chance,

of giving her that, then I have to try.

I have to get my family back.

Because being her dad comes first before anything else.

So... I have to stop this.

I really don't want to hurt you.

And it's complicated with bex.

I know it is. But... that's my life.

My real life. Okay?

And I owe it to Bella to be the kind of man

who's going to stand up.

- Calum. - No, but just listen to me.

Because I know what it means now

to be a proper dad. To have a family.

- To be a husband. - Calum.

Give her everything she deserves.

Your wife's fucking the headmaster.

My god, will you stop that?

Sore head.

Good night, was it?

Just shooting the girls. Where'd you go to?

Well, I'm not sure that's any of your business.

I want joint custody.

I told you that's not going to happen.

Monroe bar, right?

That's... Mr. Rudge.

He's a sloppy kisser. Tell you that much.

You had me followed.

Joint custody.

Or the board of governors gets a front row seat.

I'm sure the local diocese will be particularly interested

in what a certain married Mr. Rudge gets up to

on a school night of all nights.

- No, calum, you can't just... - joint custody.

You can't just drop that on me.

I need, time to think.

You've got until tomorrow.

Calum, that's... That's not...

There's not enough time. Calum!

Charlie, it's me.

- Hello? - Hello, Emily.

It's Alex Clark from whittaker loans.

Yeah, hi. Hi.

We'd like to offer you the job.

Thank you. That's amazing news.

Quite frankly, I thought I'd repelled you.

Honestly, it was a no-brainer after Dan put you forward.

- Sorry, Dan who? - Dan Marshall.

He's been working on our new website.

He said you're a total PR whiz who could spin

any disaster into a front page trial.

You set me up on a pity interview, you cretin!

Do you think this makes everything okay?

It just wipes your guilt away. Fuck, Dan!

Have you and Charlotte been laughing about me

- behind my back? - It wasn't a pity interview,

not in any way, shape, or form.

When are you going to stop humiliating me

when there's nothing left?

When you've rinsed me of every...

No, sorry, no, I'm not having this.

I will always be more sorry than you can possibly imagine

for what I did to you.

Has that changed the fact that you're brilliant at your job?

I am brilliant at my job, Dan, yes.

Yes, you are brilliant at your job.

Remember lin and maroshkin's son, the hit and run?

- Yeah. - He still sends me

Christmas gifts, really fucking good ones, actually.

Yeah.

And let's not forget, Ray's ready.

Jimmy the blade, Dan.

He's from cheshire, not mockney wick.

My god, you're so annoying.

Hate me. I deserve it,

but you do not deserve to lose out on this job.

Okay, ems. I need to go, okay?

Who was that, babe?

The estate agent. No bites yet.

- Hi. - Hey.

So I... I think I knackered it when I yanked it out,

you know, when I was saying all that stuff.

Can you fix it?

Obviously.

Well, that's good.

Also, I just... I wanted to say that I'm sorry.

I was a bitch. And it wasn't about you.

I just get like that when I'm stressed.

Sorry, too.

My daughter.

A year ago.

She was born sleeping.

Tej.

She's beautiful.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really am sorry.

I'm sorry you're lonely.

At least we have the club.

Yeah. Yeah.

Good shabbos.

You forgot to tap up parent pay.

Sorry, babe. I'll do that for you.

Yeah. I found your slider.

Thanks, joshy. Total sweetheart.

Listen, kids. By the way, grandma's not coming tonight.

Her back's still playing up.

Wow.

Here's my beautiful wife.

Hello, darling, how are you?

- Where's dinner? - It'll be about ten minutes.

Great. Sit down. I'm starving.

Thank you very much.

Kids, there's no gadgets at the table, please.

Come on, put them away.

Underneath the table.

Good girl.

I like the shirt, joshy.

How are you? How was your day?

- Good, good, yeah. - Good?

Lovely. This looks amazing.

Go on, lula.

Dad!

You all right?

Yep. You okay?

Come on, madam. I'm going to be late.

Well?

You show the governors your sordid little video.

Like the sad creep that you've become.

Charlie's leaving his wife.

He was going to wait till the end of the year

to do it, but he got headhunted last week.

International school. Barcelona.

Whoa. Barcelona?

When?

Soon. Take me to court.

See if they care.

Or... see if you can afford it.

Loser.

Calum.

We found blood traces 3 meters away

from where the body was recovered.

DNA matches yours.

Mate, the reason we were able to identify you

was because your DNA was already in our system.

Michelle kavanagh.

You were with her the night she died.

What is this?

I came in here of more than free will to help this investigation.

Yeah.

- I'm leaving. - We're not finished, calum.

If you had anything credible to charge me with,

you'd have done it by now.

They never did find her body, did they?

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Still carrying that guilt around?

- Shut your fucking mouth! - All right.

This interview is over. Time to leave.

- Come on, I'll show you out. - I'll show myself out.