Original subtitles

FANFARE

One for me?

I'll be right with you.

Do you realise you're parked on a yellow line?

WHISPERING

I've got a...

Get off.

Get off!

Do you realise you have no number plate?

And furthermore, you have no customs and excise licence?

You. Hey.

Hey?

Oh! So, that's the attitude.

HE SIGHS

BARKING

Excuse me, madam.

I can't seem to get through to that dunderhead of yours.

You have no number plate. And, furthermore, you have no customs...

Did you see that? Yeah, but you...

Did you see that? I was halfway through nicking him and he drove off.

Did you see him drive off? Give me your book. He drove off.

I know who it was. No number plate, nothing.

Oh, I'll get him. He had a little crest on the car.

He drove off while I was nicking him.

Do you realise that?

Where shall we go for our holidays, then?

As far away as possible. Abroad? Yes, why not?

Where do you suggest? How about there?

The South of France? Yes. That's a good idea.

Take the car? Yes, why not?

We ought to get away as quick as possible. Right, then.

Keep moving.

That Riviera touch

Can open up any door

It can mean so much

In happiness and amour

So jump on a jet

You're set to get swinging attention

An aperitif will bring out the dimension

That Riviera touch

Will make him adore her more

He'll revere her touch

For ever and ever more

Cherchez la femme

And you can live so much

There they don't get that Riviera touch

That Riviera touch

Will make him adore her more

He'll revere her touch

For ever and ever more

Cherchez la femme

And you can live so much

There they don't get that Riviera touch.

And then we come to Alpes-Maritimes and then we're at the seaside.

We're on our way, Ern.

Oh, yes. The Riviera. The blue Mediterranean.

Across golden sands.

That lovely sunshine. Yes.

And the beautiful girls.

Hey-hey-hey! The beautiful girls!

ACCORDION MUSIC

HE LAUGHS

Bon voyage.

The car is excellent. Two men, no women.

I think I can handle it.

TANNOY

SPEAKS FRENCH

Attention please. Would Mr Simpson, recently arrived from England,

please report to the reception desk?

Pardon.

SPEAKS FRENCH

Yes.

SPEAKS FRENCH

What did he say?

Well, it's a bit difficult, you see?

It could have been,

"My aunt's souffle has been struck by lightning."

SPEAKS FRENCH

You've got to admit it, they speak French beautifully, don't they?

No understanday.

Ah. There has been an error in the booking.

Ah. Yes. I got the gist of that.

There's been an error in the booking. Oui.

I understood that. Are you picking it up as well?

What's the trouble?

No, no.

Vot is the trouble?

There's been a double booking. You cannot go to your hotel.

But we have a villa reserved for you, monsieur.

No, no. Ve vont to go to hotel.

I never knew I could speak French.

But the villa is free. No charge.

No charge? No, and we will refund your deposit. £300.

No, no. Deposit vos £150... Oh, yes. I see.

Well, this is most disconcerting, isn't it?

Eh? Well, seeing as the villa is free and you'll refund our deposit, we'll accept.

Thank you, monsieur, you are most understanding.

Thank you very much. This is the address.

La Villa Tulipe. Ah, Villa Tulipe. Thank you.

Au revoir, monsieur.

What's that all about? Don't ask questions.

We've got a free holiday and you've got double your deposit back.

Have I? Yes. What was the eye twitching and nudging?

I was trying to warn you. I didn't realise that.

Where's the sunshine, then? What sunshine?

Well, we're in France now.

This is northern France.

The weather's the same here as in England.

Oh, is it?

Be another three days before we get to the sun.

We're on our way, though. You bet we are.

Sunshine, here we come. THEY LAUGH

Hey look.

This is the place.

CAR DOORS SHUT

THUNDER

OWL HOOTS

What a beautiful place.

What's beautiful about it?

It's free. Oh.

BELL PEALS

CREAKING

FOOTSTEPS

ERIC WHISTLES

BOTH WHISTLE

FOOTSTEPS

MAN LAUGHS

Who are you, the landlady?

I am Coco, the caretaker.

Well, where did you come from?

I live over the garage. Oh.

I bring the keys.

THUNDER

CREAKING

Entree, monsieurs.

CAT MIAOWS

CAT SCREECHES

It's a bit, er... It's a bit gloomy, isn't it?

It's a bit creepy.

MAN LAUGHS

It's a long time since the last people lived here.

Who were they, the Romans?

THUNDER

The Villa has a bad reputation.

Not that kind of reputation.

Five years ago, a man's body was found here.

And no-one ever discovered who shot him.

He was lying on the kitchen floor.

Good day, monsieur.

I hope you sleep well.

You can still see the blood stains on the kitchen floor.

MAN LAUGHS

I could do with a drink. Yeah, me too.

Give me the corkscrew. I haven't got a corkscrew.

Don't mess about. There's probably one in the kitchen.

In the dining room.

THUNDER

CREAKING

Here it is.

What a mess.

Look at it. What sort of people lived here?

I don't know.

But they certainly knew how to throw a party.

THUNDER

SQUAWKING

Been a party in here too.

THUNDER

What's the matter?

Eric, what's the matter?

By golly, this stuff packs a wallop.

Sheesh!

I think I'll have a cup of tea.

THUNDER

OWL HOOTS

ERIC WHISTLES

THUNDER

CREAKING

GURGLES

Pardon?

THUNDER

Ern!

What's the matter?

ERIC WHEEZES Come on, what's the trouble?

Well, say something. I mean, even Lassie can bark.

HE BARKS

Go!

HE HOWLS

SPLASH

Well?

It's gone. What's gone?

The body. What are you talking about?

There was a body lying there with a hole in it

just like a big Polo mint. Don't be ridiculous. It was there!

Come on. What about Renard?

He can look after himself.

CAR STARTS

Monsieur, Le Pirate, pardon. Oui.

Coco says someone has been shot in the Villa.

So? He got rid of the body.

That is what he is there for.

And the car? OK.

You can fix it when you are ready.

Tomorrow evening, tell Claudette to keep the Englishmen away from the Villa.

I want this fixed in the petrol tank.

That? What for?

Jewels.

Petrol tank.

Petrol pushes this up.

What do you see? Nothing.

How can you trust a fortune like that to two stupid Englishmen

with an ancient car, huh?

I am hoping the police and the customs think the same as you.

Hurry.

Well, our first day in France.

What are we gonna do?

Nothing, we can't afford it. Oh.

We could go to the zoo. Yes.

Or the museum.

Pardon? All right, we'll go there.

Yeah, fine. Fine.

Right.

You're going there, then. Where?

Wherever you said you were going. To the zoo? Yes.

I'll... I'll go to the other place.

Yeah, yeah. OK? Fine. No, the museum's that way.

Yes, I know. And wherever you're going... Yes. ..is that way.

Right. Right. OK. I'll see you later, then.

So long. Have a good time. And you.

So long. Bye. Be good.

Right.

See you. Yeah, yeah. OK.

Right. Right.

HE LAUGHS

So long.

Where are you going? Nowhere, nowhere. No.

So long. Bye-bye.

I thought you'd gone to the... I've been.

Ah.

What are you doing? What?

What are you doing? What are you talking about?

This, you're holding it in.

Shut up. Let it go, like you do at home.

You know, when it goes "doing"...

Do it, go on. Let it go.

Now, that is the real you. That is you, that.

Short, fat and hairy.

You stand no chance with me here.

BONE CRACKS

Cor, that's painful. Oh, come on.

Uno mattresso. Ole.

Give us a kiss.

How's it going? Great.

Great. A knockout.

I've been here ten seconds. I haven't had my face slapped yet.

Really? You're right.

Eh? I said you're right.

What? I don't stand a chance with you here.

Oh. If you play beachball, I'm finished.

Beachball? Yeah, beachball.

Just show her your virility.

Pardon? As soon as she sees what a fine athlete you are,

she'll fall for you.

Well, how's she gonna notice? I'll point you out.

I'll say, "Look. Look at that fine athletic young man.

"Isn't he wonderful?" I thought you were gonna point me out.

That's what I mean.

You're right. BONE CRACKS

Cor, that's painful.

LAUGHS

Hmm?

Ooh, la-la. Doesn't he look an idiot?

Oh, but are you not his friend?

Well, yes. I promised his mother I'd look after him.

THEY LAUGH

Your friend is very energetic, no?

He's all right at kids' games.

Et vous?

He loves playing in the sand.

Never happier than when he's got his bucket and spade at Blackpool.

Really? How fascinating.

Such a pity. I have to go now.

Must you? Oh, but I would be so happy if we could meet this evening.

Erm, perhaps we could have dinner together, oui?

I'd love to, Miss, er...? Dubois.

But please to call me Claudette.

Claudette. Claudette, bon.

So, you and your friend come to the Hotel Splendide...

Oh, no. Not him. Oh, but of course.

Oh, oui.

But I insist.

And you do it so well.

So, shall we say, erm, a neuf heure?

Couldn't we make it earlier, say nine o'clock? Bon.

Oh, how I look forward to seeing you, boss.

Au revoir. Au revoir. Until then, mon petit chou.

Oh!

Open up, Ern. It doesn't matter how you are.

Oh, Monsieur.

Voulez vous quelque chose?

No, I roll my own, you know?

Are you looking for me? Yeah.

How did I do? You were a smash hit.

I know. I can still feel the pain.

Cor! I mean with the girl. She's crazy about you.

Is she? Yeah.

Well, it's only natural, isn't it?

Look... BONE CRACKS

I'm in agony every time I do that, you know?

She's crazy about me? Crazy about you.

She didn't leave a message. She did.

Eh? Yes, she did. She wants you to meet her at nine o'clock.

Nine o'clock. At the, er... The, erm...

Come on.

Casino? Casino. Casino.

Casino. I'll be there.

The best man won.

C'est la guerre. She's all yours.

Spoken like a friend.

Not like you, like a friend.

Monsieur, s'il vous plait. Deux francs, s'il vous plait.

Well, pay the man. That's more like you.

How much? Deux francs. Can you change a five pound note?

Oui. Five pound note? Can you change five pound note?

Do you recognise him, Inspector?

Yes. Renard. Jewel thief.

One time associate of Pirate.

Pirate's boat.

Salute, Pirate.

Hi, Inspector. Ca va?

I see you have been fishing.

In a way. We caught a very dead body.

Oh, these poor swimmers. They will never learn.

This one had a bullet in it.

One should never swim in that condition.

You remember Renard?

Renard?

Poor Renard.

I wonder what he was doing here.

Looking for the La Tour Emeralds, perhaps.

You think they are here? You are here.

So I am.

You policemen miss nothing.

Excuse me, I'm a busy man. Au revoir, Inspector.

A bientot.

Nothing here.

We'll search in there.

You try the kitchen.

ERIC WHISTLES

ERNIE HUMS

What's the matter?

They've been having another party. What?

They're probably still in the house.

Yeah, let's get out. Let's take a look around.

I've had a look around. Come on.

Go on.

Will you come with me? Don't worry, I'm right behind you.

Go on.

CREAKING

You go first. Go on.

If a horrible looking thing comes through that door with bulging eyes,

let him go. Why?

It'll be me.

What did you go and do that for?

Well, it was either him or me.

Look at the state of this room?

What is going on?

Do you think the place could be... haunted?

Don't be silly. See if there's anything missing.

I told you to have a look around.

This stuff is definitely stronger than what we get at home.

What's that got to do with it?

You get your hangover before you've enjoyed it.

Look in the kitchen and the other rooms. All right.

OWL HOOTS

HE WHISTLES

Ern!

What's the matter, something missing? Something's been returned.

What? The body.

You said there was a body last time and there wasn't.

This time I guarantee there won't be.

There's no body here.

I was right, though, wasn't I?

I suppose we better clean up this mess. Come on. Right.

HE WHISTLES

ERNIE HUMS

This peg's loose.

What?

That's funny. Seems to go up and down.

Oh.

Coco has disposed of the body, Monsieur.

Bon.

Oh.

Nine o'clock, the Hotel Splendide.

They both will be with me.

Bon. Now, listen carefully,

Coco needs three hours to work on the car.

Will they not bring the car to the hotel with them?

The car will not leave the villa. Coco is arranging it.

But you must keep the two Englishmen away until at least midnight.

I will. You are very cold.

I will get you a Cognac.

Very becoming.

Merci.

Remember...

The two Englishmen must not return to the villa before midnight.

Where are you going, then? I'm going to drive you there.

You know, arrive in style, chauffeur-driven car.

You can sit in the back. Just a minute.

What? There isn't a seat in the back.

You can sit up front next to me. Can I? Yeah.

How do I look? Be honest. How do I look?

Marvellous. I feel great. I really do.

What time have I got to be there? Nine o'clock at the casino.

Nine o'clock. As if I didn't know.

ENGINE TURNS OVER

Well, go on. Get it going.

ENGINE TURNS OVER

It won't start. Leave it to me.

HORN SOUNDS

ENGINE STARTS

Now look what you've done.

Well, there's one consolation. What's that?

Isn't there a consolation? No.

We'll have to walk, then. Come on.

Hurry up, we'll be late. Maybe we can pick up a lift.

HE LAUGHS

I shan't be needing you any more now. I wish I was as lucky as you.

Some people have it, some people don't.

Yeah. I must admit, the best man won.

I know.

Bonsoir, Monsieur. Par ici, s'il vous plait.

Bonsoir, Monsieur. How much is it to come in?

Comment, Monsieur? How much money?

Je ne comprends pas, Monsieur.

Money.

Ahem.

Oh, bonsoir, bonsoir.

Erm, where is your friend? Oh, he'll be along later.

Oh? He couldn't resist popping in to the casino for a flutter. Oh.

It's nice here, isn't it?

Hmm, yes.

Shall we go in?

Bonjour mesdames et messieurs.

SPEAKS FRENCH

I'm supposed to meet a young lady here.

She's about that tall. With big, brown eyes.

And she's about 25.

Vin cinq, oui, Monsieur.

SPEAKS FRENCH

Vin cinq. 25.

Voila, Monsieur. Faites vos jeux, mesdames et messieurs.

Your, er, friend is very late.

Yes.

He doesn't know what he's missing.

Faites vos jeux, mesdames et messieurs.

Two, Monsieur?

Pardon. Roulette?

That's right. I should have met her here at nine.

Quoi? Nine.

Ah, neuf. D'accord, Monsieur.

You like? Delicious.

Oh, bon. Most English people do not like frog's legs.

Really? Mm, no.

Merci beaucoup.

Pardon, madame, monsieur.

Claudette. Je m'excuse.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm - I'm looking for a young lady

and she doesn't seem to be here.

Je ne comprends pas, Monsieur.

Exactly, you see, and there's only one place left

where she could possibly be.

I wondered if you happened to be going there.

SPEAKS FRENCH

HE WHISPERS

Neuf.

Encore, Monsieur.

Excusez-moi, Monsieur...

Vive la France. What do you want with this young lady?

Votre jour, Monsieur. Not anything, really.

SPEAKS FRENCH

Nothing. Nothing. Zero. Zero.

Zero.

I was asking the lady if she would go to the toilet for me.

I mean, if she would go to the ladies' toilet.

Assuming she wanted to.

I think perhaps, Monsieur, that after this game you should leave, no?

Merci, Madame.

SPEAKS FRENCH

SQUEALING

CHEERING

Monsieur.

Oh, darling, while you pay the bill, I will telephone the casino

to see if your friend is still there. But, Claudette.

There is no need to be jealous. But, you see, it's like this.

I'm afraid I'm a little short. Oh, darling, I adore short men.

I will meet you on my balcony.

But, Claudette... Darling!

May I have the casino, please? Merci.

SQUEALING

Hello. Don't bother, thank you.

Table for three, please.

We'd like to eat here. Yes, Monsieur. This way.

Are you sure this is the most expensive place in town? Oui.

Oh, merci, Monsieur.

Monsieur, this way. Thank you.

Now, you get the point of the joke, don't you?

GIGGLING

The other one says... Eric!

You carry on, girls. I'll see you later. Excuse me.

So, that's it. You took her to dinner yourself.

No wonder you sent me to the casino.

Never mind that. Lend me some money. I can't pay the bill. They'll throw me out.

Throw you out?!

How much does he owe? 220 francs, Monsieur.

Merci, Monsieur. Now throw him out.

I only did it for you.

Oh, yeah. I brought her here at my own expense.

I wined her, dined her, chatted her up.

Told her how great you are. She's upstairs now waiting for you on her balcony.

Where did you get that money? Get off. Get off!

Tell him. He won it at the casino.

Oh, he won it at the casino?

Didn't take you two long, did it?

Just a minute. Did you say Claudette? Yes.

Upstairs. Mm. On the balcony? Yeah.

Waiting for me?

Excuse me, I might not be back, but order whatever you like. Twice.

Would you like to order now, Monsieur?

Yes. Egg and chips. Twice.

KNOCKING

There she is. I told you she was waiting for you.

Come on.

Right. You're on your own. Just a minute. What?

What do I do? Well, you get romantic.

You sing to her. Oh!

OK.

Now that you're here, the moon

The moon has a soft...

Wait a minute. I thought you'd gone.

It goes like this...

Now that you're here

The moon has a s...

You've got a great voice, Ern. I know.

I wish I could sing like that.

It's going to you. Eh?

Well, if you want to impress Claudette,

let me sing and you mime to it.

Oh. Understand?

No. You move your lips the same time as I move mine.

And she thinks it's you singing.

Oh-oh! OK?

Right.

Now that you're here Now, now that your moon

Now that The moon, now, now...

No, no. The moon has soft...

You've got to move your lips the same time as I move mine.

Oh!

Now that you're here Now that the moon

Now... No, no. This is not gonna work.

Don't talk about what I'm saying.

Give me three in.

Now that you're here

The moon has...

Put me down for a couple of quick choruses. Right.

What about the verse?

Here. Look after it all for me. OK.

Ooh. So, this is it.

You, the night and the music.

Music?

There's always music.

Now that you're here

The moon has a softer glow

The stars don't want to go

Now that you're here

And when you're near

As beats my loving heart

I'll pray that we'll never part

When you are near

The sweetest rose

Whose scent can charm the night

Does not delight

As much as you, my skies are blue

Now I am here...

Oh, right.

I want the world to know

How much I love you so

Please never let me go

Now that I'm here.

Ohhh.

Aaarrrggghhh!

LAUGHTER

Bonjour.

SPEAKS FRENCH

Another body shot and dumped in the sea like the last one.

The map, please. Oh. Yes, sir.

Another associate of Pirate?

The killer met him from the same spot.

No. One of his enemies.

Abdul.

But also a jewel thief.

The La Tour Emeralds are here somewhere.

Of that I'm sure.

But... who is going to lead us to them?

SINGING

A happy bonjour to you all.

KNOCKING Come in.

Monsieur. Bonjour, Monsieur.

The suite is satisfactory, I hope.

Is it expensive? Oh, but of course not, Monsieur.

Well, don't just stand there. Put the rent up.

And now my orders for the day. Yes, Monsieur.

Coffee on the terrace with Miss Claudette.

Lunch in the restaurant with Miss Claudette.

7:30 cocktails and dinner with Miss Claudette.

12 o'clock, bed.

With a hot cup of cocoa. Of course, Monsieur.

Will that be all?

Oh.

Oh, n...

Merci, Monsieur.

One shouldn't tip the manager, should one?

Oh, a little faux pas, perhaps. Exactly, yeah.

His apologies.

Now, listen, you. We're getting out of here and going back to the villa.

This whole thing's ridiculous.

HE MUMBLES

What did you say then? Oh, really?

All you can think about is this Claudette.

She is a beautiful girl.

Don't you realise she's after your money?

Let's face it, she's better equipped than you are to get it.

Yeah, but listen to me.

What's the matter with you.

Ah, you've got more money than sense.

Incidentally, you're right.

Ali and Hassim are still interested in necklaces, I see.

Monsieur. Coffee on the terrace.

Voila.

Merci.

Interpol. We have reason to believe those notes are counterfeit.

Where did all that money come from?

Do you think they could have found them?

There is only one way to find out.

For the time being, we must join forces against a common enemy.

Leave this to me.

Your seat, Monsieur. Thank you.

Merci, Monsieur.

Your cup and saucer, Monsieur.

Merci, Monsieur. Thank you.

Your serviette, Monsieur.

Oh.

Merci, Monsieur.

Still throwing your money around? ERIC LAUGHS

You know me, Ern. Easy come, easy go.

Where did you pick that up from, Claudette? Get away. You're jealous.

What do you mean? All she is, is a scheming gold-digger.

Ah, voila. Ah, Claudette.

Bonjour, bonjour, mes amis.

How beautiful you look this morning. Merci. Eric.

Do sit down. Thank you.

Would you care for a cup of coffee? Yes, please. I would.

Black or white?

White, please.

How's that? It's perfect.

Sugar? No, thank you.

So, tell me, Eric, how does it feel to be a rich man?

Marvellous.

Bon. Er, will it, uh... Well, erm, change your plans?

Er... how do you mean?

Well, erm, will you be here longer with us in the South of France?

Er, I don't know. I haven't made up my mind yet.

The whole thing's ridiculous. He's buying a new car, if you please.

Well, what is so ridic... Oh. Oh...

Oh. A new car?

Well, yes. I mean, you know, we can't be seen around in that old crock, can we?

The salesman's coming along this afternoon to give a demonstration.

Eric, you must not sell that little car. I love it.

It's yours. Oh, no.

No. I want you both to keep it.

It's... Well, it's a part of you.

Please, please. It's yours.

Oh, but... I'll get that.

Merci, Monsieur. Merci.

Qu'est ce que c'est que ca?

Pardon?

What is that funny thing?

Oh. That's my money belt.

Your money belt?

I keep all my money in there.

You can't trust anybody out here, you know?

Why? They're all foreigners.

Er... Eric.

Yes. May I come with you this afternoon?

On the demonstration?

Of course.

I will wait here for you, sir.

You're a good lad.

You like the way I drive?

Oh, it's very good.

Gives me a chance to look at the scenery.

Cigarette, Ernie? Oh, yes, please.

Ernie, darling, get it for me, please. Of course.

Hey!

You've left Ern behind. Where we're going, we won't need Ern.

Would you take the plunge with me?

Pardon?

In the water?

No, I don't think I'll bother today.

Oh, but it's beautiful in. Come on, darling.

Unzip me.

It's very nearly out. Come on.

So?

Are you not going to put on your bathing costume?

I've got it on already underneath. You'll get your francs wet.

My what?

Your money belt.

I never go in above the waist anyway.

Come on.

Ah-hey-hey!

Quickly!

Come on.

Bonjour. Bonjour. Madame.

Ah, Monsieur, you are back.

How did you enjoy the test?

I think I passed. What did you get to?

Well, I tell you, first of all, when we got to the beach...

Oh, you mean the speed? Very fast, isn't she?

Like lightning. Er, excuse me.

You will buy it? Of course.

Take it out of that and keep the change.

Monsieur. Have you missed me?

Oh, yes.

What change?

It is all newspaper.

I don't know what you make your money out of, but I tell you this...

I've been robbed.

Oh, no!

I've been robbed.

Oh. It was Ern. Oh, no.

It must have been Ern. He was the only one who knew where it was.

I'll smash his face in. Oh, no. Eric! Don't do that, Eric.

Please, Eric. Get off!

Ernie!

Ernie.

Oh, oh. Darling, where are you going?

Home. Home? Yeah.

Not in this car? That's all I've got left.

Comment? Well, he's got all the money,

a new car, you. There's nothing to stay for.

Oh, but... But, darling, I want you to stay.

What, after leaving me in the middle of nowhere?

Oh, well. That was just to make you jealous.

I'm not falling for that again. Oh, please stay.

I'm going. Oh.

I'm going...

...to stay. Oh.

Excuse me. Is Mr Ernest Clarke still in the hotel?

I think he's just in the process of leaving, sir.

Hey! Hey!

Not only do you pinch all my money, but now you've pinched my girl.

Eric, old chap.

I know it's hard for you.

But Claudette and I, well, we were made for each other.

When one person loves another... Have you lost all your money?

You're the one who pinched it! Of course I didn't.

I told you not to carry it about. Should I leave it lying around so somebody could pinch it?

Somebody has pinched it. I wasn't to know that.

Shut up! Shut up!

We're going to the police. What about the big romance?

This is money we're talking about.

Keep driving.

Come on. Where is it?

Where's what? You know what I mean. We want it.

Don't we all?

Don't play games with me.

You must have found it. Why did you move it to that big hotel?

Where did the money come from?

Why did you move out of the villa?

So you tore the place apart. We shall tear you apart, too.

We will give you time to remember.

Five minutes.

If you don't remember, then we slit your throats.

I don't even know what they're looking for or where it is.

We've got to find a way out of here. I know.

Sshh!

Ern!

What happened?

I don't know, let's get out.

Let's got to your place.

We've come to report a robbery.

We've come to report a robbery. There's been a robbery.

Just a moment, Monsieur. All our money's been stolen.

My money. Monsieur. I have a headache.

I had a big money belt and I'd got all me money in it.

He went on the beach. Can I have your names, please?

I wear this big money belt. Your names.

Ernie Clark. And Eric Simpson.

With an "E". Simpson with an "E".

And we've been kidnapped.

We were driving in our car. Just up the road here.

Your address. Er, Villa Tulipe.

It's just on the point. Tulipe.

Like the flower.

Oui, je comprende. It's been ransacked twice.

It was in a terrible state. Not to mention the two bodies.

The two bodies? I told you not to mention that.

That's what I said. Not to mention the two bodies.

What bodies? How do I know?

One minute they're there and the next minute, they've gone.

There was. There was bodies.

SPEAKS FRENCH

Pardon? Is that your car outside?

Yes.

You realise that you're committing an offence parking it there?

We've come to report a robbery.

Unless you remove your car, I shall be forced to take action.

Comprende? Viva la France.

Oh, come on, Eric. This is ridiculous. We're wasting our time.

All they do is talk about the car, not about the robbery.

Stupid!

This may be our lead to the emeralds.

The less they know about it, the better.

Look at this Villa Tulipe at once.

We are onto something at last.

Hello.

Ah, police. They're the same all over the world, aren't they?

CAR BACKFIRES

Well? What are we gonna do?

I'll tell you.

Cherchez la femme. I'm all for it. Sounds great.

What's it mean?

The girl, Claudette. She's in this up to the hilt.

Get away.

You had the money on the beach with her and when you came back, the money had gone.

It could have been stolen in the hotel.

I think she's mixed up in everything else.

Then let's go see her and we'll have it out.

No. We won't do that.

We'll play her at her own game.

"PS, we have told the police everything."

There, that should do it.

"Dear Claudette, this is goodbye.

"We are going back to the villa for a couple of days and then home.

"The villa has been ransacked and we've been kidnapped.

"If we can find what everyone's looking for at the villa,

"at least that will be something so we are going to search it before the police do.

"Thanks for everything. PS, we have told the police everything."

The police aren't searching the villa, are they? No.

Leave it to me. Have you got the envelope?

Right, put it in the envelope. OK?

Put it under the door.

Not that one, that one!

There, what did I tell you? Come on.

There she goes.

Are you ready?

She's going in now.

Come on.

Come on!

Hurry up. She'll get away.

GURGLING

Quickly. Get out of sight. Hide.

Pirate.

What are you doing here in daylight?

The Englishmen are suspicious and they are going to search the villa.

It is essential they suspect nothing.

And they have... been to the police.

The police? When?

One, two hours ago.

We must change the plan.

We must remove the emeralds from the villa right away.

You must do it. Oh, no, Pirate... Yes.

The police will not suspect you visiting your English friends.

Now, listen carefully.

You will go to the villa, you will go to the kitchen.

There are two taps. First, turn the right one clockwise.

Then turn the left one anti-clockwise.

A section of the water tank below the sink will open.

The necklace is inside. I will be in the car nearby.

We may have to make a run for it in this yacht.

No, Pirate. I'm frightened... You will do what I say.

BOAT ENGINE

Marcel.

He must have overheard.

Stupid!

Claudette...

There is one thing Marcel didn't hear.

Be sure to close the ventilator shutter above the sink

before you touch the taps. Why? Never mind why.

Go! Quickly.

You know what I think? What?

I've got leaky skin.

Sshh.

She's coming back.

Quickly!

All right, that's far enough.

What are you doing here? Did you follow me?

Yes. And he saw everything. What?

Go on. Tell her what you saw. I didn't see anything.

I got water on me goggles. Oh.

Now, what is going on? I can't answer your questions.

What is it you want? Your money?

Well, that'll do for a start.

Let me go now and I promise in a little while, I will bring it here.

But, please, don't follow me any more and do not go back to the villa.

There is danger there. Just... Just trust me.

Trust me.

Do you trust her? No.

Neither do I. Get changed quick.

GUNSHOT

Round the back of the house.

Marcel.

Marcel.

Marcel! You're too late, mademoiselle.

Oh, Coco.

Pirate is coming, Coco.

You will go with us. Oui, mademoiselle.

It's dangerous in there. It's dangerous out here as well.

But Claudette's inside. I know that.

She needs our help.

All right.

The hook!

Please, let's get out of here!

Stay undercover and leave everything to us.

Now!

Now!

Psst! Psst!

Now!

Ha-ha-hey! Ha-ha-hey!

Look after Claudette. Right. Come on, up you get.

Everything's all right now.

I told you to leave it to us, didn't I?

Here's your case. What is inside this?

We must go quickly, please.

Monsieur.

That belongs to me.

Just a moment.

Who are you? Shut up, he's got a gun.

Take the case, Claudette.

Bring it to me.

I am ready to leave when you are, Monsieur.

Gentlemen, you are free to go.

GUNSHOTS

What happened? I think he shot himself.

Let's get after him. Please, Ernie, no.

We've got to get him before he kills somebody else. Come on.

Well, gentlemen, it's a great pleasure to welcome you here.

Perhaps it would have been better to leave you to drown.

Take them away.

Monsieur Inspector. Oui, merci.

Pirate has left he villa and is heading for the corniche

followed by the two Englishmen.

Won't this car go any faster?

Switch the windscreen wipers on. What will that do? Try it.

Ha-ha-hey!

Keep going.

We've got to overtake him. Switch the windscreen wipers on.

Get off! Get off, you fool!

I just wanna sit down!

We've done it!

SPEAKS FRENCH

SIRENS

Put the brakes on and we've got him.

They won't work!

SPEAKS FRENCH

Turn right. I can't, I'm going too fast.

There he is again.

Follow him.

Aarrggh!

Now look what you've done.

There he is. After him.

Get a move on! All right, all right!

Don't let him get away. Grab hold of the rope.

Whoa!

Come back! Ernie!

Eric, come back.

Are you all right? Yes, yes, yes.

But he's got the whatever it is and Eric.

I know the helicopter is on its way. Quickly. Good. Come on.

Argh!

Stop! No, don't stop.

Hey!

Argh!

Special instructions from Inspector Duval

to all water-borne police.

All available launches to proceed immediately to the bay.

This is...

Argh!

Oh-oh-oh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Get out!

SIRENS

Oh!

Why doesn't he let go of the rope?

He can't let go of the rope, he can't swim.

The launches are coming. He won't get much further.

He's shooting at him now.

You'll have to go down and pick him up.

What?! Fix the winch line to your harness.

Eric!

Get back, get back!

Don't worry, I'm coming.

Get away. Hold on.

I'll save you. Leave me alone!

I'll get hold of you.

Give me your hand. Come back!

Let go of the rope and give me your hand.

Get away! Let go of the rope, I tell you!

Stop it!

I daren't. I'll fall in and drown.

Grab hold of me and I'll pull us up to the helicopter.

Get off!

Go away!

What's the matter with you? Don't worry, I've got you.

Don't panic. I'm in complete control.

Will you get off?! Don't worry.

I'm drowning! I'm drowning.

You're not in the water, you stupid...

Oh, no!

Don't let go.

We'll have to leave it to the launches.

Not that. Hold on. No, don't pull that.

Oh!

Ooh-ooh!

Now look what you've done.

Ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo!

Help!

Argh!

He's got a gun!

Argh!

I can't hold it! Whatever you do, don't let go.

I can't hold it, Ern.

I think it gets in through my ears, you know?

Well, gentlemen...

A most satisfactory day's fishing.

First, we caught Pirate, the greatest jewel thief in France.

Second, Mr Simpson, your money back.

Is that my money? Where did you get it. Where was it?

I'll take that.

Oh, will you?

And, third...

...the La Tour Emeralds.

So that's what it was all about.

Mustn't touch. Ici, mademoiselle.

Mademoiselle Dubois.

You wish to charge this woman? Certainly not, she helped us.

Oh, Eric!

Oh, I was so worried.

Eric! Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm Eric. I'm Eric.

Oh! And I'm Ernie.

I'm the good looking one with the glasses, you see?

You're all wet!

Well, the best man won.

Which one of us was best man?

We'll face that problem when we come to it.