Original subtitles

* fallin' in love again

* never wanted to

* what am I to do? *

* can't help it

* love's always been my game

* play it how I may

* I was made that way

* can't help it

* men cluster to me like moths around a flame *

* and if their wings burn, i know I'm not to blame *

* fallin' in love again *

* never wanted to *

* what am I to do? *

* can't help it

I can't stop dancing. I love this band.

They're o.K.

They're the same band

he had at his last wedding.

Think he's wearing the same suit, too.

Different girl, though, right?

That's good. Oh, yeah.

God, I love a wedding. This remind you of yours?

No. I think these two people

actually like each other.

Anyway, I barely remember my wedding.

Thank god.

That's because you don't do it often enough.

Once every four years like Rob, keep it fresh.

I remember my divorce.

Lovely divorce. That was a good band.

Yeah, they were.

Guys, meet the girl I'm going to marry.

Sarah, this is Donny and Vic.

Hi, Sarah.

Hello, Sarah.

We were dancing,

and she swept me off my feet.

This is fast, Dave, even for you.

Sarah.

Yes?

Will you marry me?

Oh, please? Please? Come on.

You're it!

She's met a younger man.

Oh!

Look how sweet she is.

You got your kids for the weekend?

Yeah. you got Emma?

Yeah. you?

We're trying something new.

Two weekends on, two weekends off

with the older kids.

With the baby,

I get her Saturday mornings

and alternate Wednesday

and Friday afternoons,

at least till winter.

You couldn't come up with anything more complicated?

[Fanfare plays]

All right. All the guys on the top.

How long do you give him this time?

Six months.

A year.

I think they're going to make it.

[Photographer] one last time!

Happiness!

* bye bye, love *

* bye bye, happiness

* hello, loneliness *

* I think I'm gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, sweet caress

* hello, emptiness

* I feel like i could die *

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

* there goes my baby

* with someone new

* she sure looks happy

* I sure am blue

* she was my baby

* till he stepped in

* goodbye to romance

* that might have been

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, happiness [arf] *

* hello, loneliness *

* I think I'm gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, sweet caress *

* hello, emptiness *

[man] stand by. Five seconds.

[Clearing throat]

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

we're back.

I'm Dr. David townsend,

and we're talking about divorce.

It affects all of us and hurts many of us,

and in the next 48 hours,

that is all we will be talking about--divorce.

D-i-v-o-r-c-e, tell you what it means to me.

What does it mean to you, Jack from glendale?

Are you still there?

I'm right here, doc.

I think before the break,

we were discussing Debra, your ex-wife.

Do we have to?

Jack, the topic is divorce.

I only see my kids twice a month.

Two weekends, that's it.

Every time, we have to start over again.

I feel your pain, Jack. I do. I feel it.

I understand it. That's my job,

and that's why you listen to me--

Dr. David townsend-- because I listen to you.

Could I say one more thing, doc?

No, Jack. It's time to move on.

Craig from the palisades, the doctor is in.

Hi, doc. I'm on my way to pick up my son.

Ah, the Friday night exchange of custody.

The new American ritual.

Where do you do your exchange?

We stick to neutral territory--

a parking lot,

kmart, Wal-Mart, fast-food places.

I feel your anxiety, Craig. I do.

Just thinking about my ex-wife

gives me a headache.

I feel your headache, Craig. I do.

Are you divorced, thinking about divorce?

Call me.

Next caller is Jeff from Pasadena. Hi, Jeff.

My life is ruined, doc! Ruined!

You know what I mean?

And it's all her fault!

Listen to yourself, Jeff.

You sound so angry, so blocked.

I am angry! I am blocked!

Don't you want to be happy?

I don't know.

Then you have to listen to what I'm saying.

Don't just hear it, really listen.

Do you tape my show?

No.

You should.

And if you don't, you can order the tapes

at 1-100-get-well.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to get him in the bathtub anymore.

He's too old for bubbles. Ships don't interest him.

It's not like the old days

when I'd just say "ducky's here"

and he'd hop in.

He's 9 years old. He's a man now.

Forget the ducks. That's history.

Vic, what do you do with jed?

I take him out back, hose him down.

And that works?

Yeah. I make a game out of it.

4 points for taking a bath,

2 for eating his vegetables.

I promised if he hits 1,000,

I'd rent him an "r" video.

He'll be 18 by then.

Guys, I just ran into Marty allenford.

He and Leslie are getting a divorce.

They're splitting up, Marty and Leslie?

After 11 years.

It goes to show you, you're never safe.

11 years busting his ass,

bringing home a paycheck, for what?

He seemed pretty depressed.

He must have done something terrible,

like leave the cap off the toothpaste.

Actually, he was sleeping with his secretary.

Yeah, well...

You'll have to lower the standards for anniversaries.

Nobody goes the distance anymore.

Five years should be the silver anniversary.

More than 10, you go platinum,

and they put you in the marriage hall of fame.

Amen.

Marty and Leslie. That's unbelievable.

That Leslie's a beautiful woman.

Hey.

She's not?

You can't call her yet.

There's a five-day waiting period.

That's for handguns. Don't.

Here's that recipe you guys wanted,

the one your kids loved?

"Vic's meat loaf madness."

You wrote it up?

Yeah. it's all there-- onions, tomatoes, cheese,

my own secret sauce.

Is it under 10 minutes? If not, I can't do it.

1 1/2 minutes on high, serves a family of four.

Ragu. that's your secret sauce?

You want to keep it down?

I'm sorry.

Max, you are late all the time.

I'll have to fire you

one day soon, like now.

Hector, can I crash at your place tonight?

No, you can't crash at my place tonight.

I am trying to fire you.

You can't fire me. You love me.

I love you. We're in love.

Max, what am i going to do with you?

Something wrong at home?

No.

Because my wife's family's in town--

hey, forget it. It's no big deal.

Hey, look, uh...

If you got no place else,

come on over.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. let's get to work.

We've got a trainee.

Is she cute?

She's a man, and she's 70.

Oh, Hector, the adopt-a-geezer program?

It's called mcmasters.

Hey, Walter, want you to meet somebody.

Walter Simms, meet Max Cooper.

Hello, Max.

Hello, Walter.

He's going to be training you.

Good luck.

So, Walt, any previous experience?

No. I'm here on the adopt-a-geezer program.

So what did you do before this?

Built engines for Chrysler.

Perfect.

Listen, something big has come up

you guys should know about.

You o.K.?

I got a date tomorrow night.

That is big.

That's two in the last eight months.

Three.

Not counting your cousin.

Two.

Wha--who? where did you meet her?

I haven't met her yet. It's a blind date.

Ooh.

Uh-oh.

That's good. That's terrific.

That's terrific that you're dating again.

Donny, you could think about dating again, too.

Might be time.

Not yet. Not so soon after the divorce.

It's been three years.

I understand. I just-- i don't think Claire

would be comfortable with it.

Claire's not going to notice.

Why? because Claire has a life,

something I'd like to point out

you do not currently possess.

It's interesting

that you mention Claire

because last time i dropped Emma off,

Claire came to the car to say hi,

and...it was like the old attraction

was still there.

Was her new husband with her?

I'm serious.

It's like she didn't want to let me go.

She was reaching out to me.

She had this face. She was like...Hmm.

Why do this to yourself?

I'm just telling you what I saw.

She came to the car and went...Hmm. Like that.

Uh-oh, Dave. Look who's here.

[Dave] shoot. here comes Kim.

[Vic] so what?

Guys, we were at the dodger game last night, o.K.?

I don't want to.

You weren't feeling well.

What did I have?

Your choice.

Saw your car. Thought I'd say hi.

[Dave] what a surprise!

Hi, Kim.

Hey, great game last night, you guys, huh?

Are you feeling better, Donny?

Still I got, like, this thing and...Ahem!

You guys take me with you next time.

I love baseball.

Keep score and everything.

Sit down. I'll get you something.

Is it safe?

Yeah. they're always late.

Good. I'll get juice. You want anything?

No. I'm fine.

Be right back.

That is one sweet, beautiful girl,

except for the fact

that she's not seven different women.

I love Kim.

I'm barely seeing anybody else.

[Horn honks]

Hey, Vic. It's your ex.

Here we go. Let the games begin.

Here. hold onto this for me, will ya?

Hey, dad!

Hey, champ! Whoa!

Hi, daddy! Love you.

[Woman] hello, Vic.

Hi.

This is awesome.

I'm so happy to see you, daddy!

We're not going to the video store.

Oh, come on, dad!

We can get the yearling again.

No. we watched the yearling

a thousand times last week.

The deer will die, we'll all cry,

and nobody will get to sleep.

It's educational.

No. we're not going to watch the yearling.

I mean it. Can't go through that again.

Just think about it, o.K.?

Daddy, you didn't shave.

I forgot.

Looks good that way.

I'll shave when I get home.

Hi, dad.

Hi, sweetheart.

Donny, I'm so sorry we're late.

We had to return the graduation dress.

You returned another one?

I thought the last one was the one.

Sunday's graduation.

It made me look fat.

You couldn't look fat if you wanted to.

Why would I want to?

You wouldn't. You couldn't.

Whatever you wear,

you're going to look beautiful

because you are a beautiful girl.

When I was your age,

no girls were as beautiful as you, except your mom.

And you got your mother's good looks, em.

You got her eyes. Beautiful eyes.

Mine are brown, hers are green.

The shape. I'm talking about the shape of the eye.

Yeah. I'm going inside. Bye, mom.

Have a good weekend, darling.

Well, she seems excited, huh?

No, she doesn't.

But inside, I think she is. We all are.

Do you believe how she fawns over me?

For a girl to pay that much attention to her father,

that's just embarrassing.

Bye, mom. Bye, sweetheart.

I love you.

Have fun, now. Brush your teeth.

O.k. just once?

Come on, jed.

Don't bite your sister.

I see you're driving the child support mobile.

Jed's got two more days of antibiotics

he has to take.

These are new tires, aren't they?

When did you get new tires? They're michelins!

They were on sale at sears,

and I just thought,

"I'm going to get myself something

"most women my age only dream of--

new tires."

That's a new coat, too.

Did that come with the tires?

Don't let jed

have too much sugar this weekend, o.K.?

Grace, the money i send is for the kids,

not for new tires.

I'm serious.

I scraped him off the ceiling last time.

What's this?

Nothing. just a few things I've jotted down.

Good. a list of ways i can improve myself.

I feel like we're still married.

They're just thoughts.

Yeah, well, here's a thought. Listen.

Are you still dating that young jerk

with long hair and no job?

Gerald?

Yeah, Gerald.

Who I date is none of your business.

Tell Gerald if he touches my boy again,

I'll kill him.

It was nothing, a tap,

and jed was being very, very rude.

I don't care if jed

was taking a piss on his head.

He touches him again, he dies. Tell him.

[Claire] so I'll see you tomorrow?

I don't think I'll make your graduation brunch.

It just feels a little...

Uncomfortable?

A little bit.

I understand.

It's Phil's club and everything.

You don't have to come.

You don't want me to?

No. I want you to come. You're the dad.

Right. I am the dad, and maybe I will come.

Good. see you tomorrow.

Uh, here. Here's a...

Oh, Donny, you don't have to keep doing this.

No, no, no. I want to.

O.k.

Thanks.

You look good.

Oh, you look good, too, Claire.

You look fabulous.

Thanks.

Incredible.

Unbelievable.

Aren't you supposed to wait

for that timer to ring?

Yeah, but once you've been here

as long as I have,

you feel when the fries are ready.

It's a zen thing.

I see.

There are really only two rules here--

don't be late and don't eat the food.

O.k., jed,

what's the capital of south Dakota?

Come on, dad. You know this.

It doesn't matter if I know it.

Do you know it? It's your homework.

Pierre.

No way! I mean good!

Excellent. that's, uh, full credit.

She used to sit on my lap, laugh at my jokes,

call me Poppy pop,

and now look at her.

You want me to call you Poppy pop?

It's not the same. Why won't she sit with us?

You don't sit with your dad

when you flirt.

You think she's flirting? She's barely 14.

Of course she's flirting.

[Dave] i think Kim's right.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

Well, I think it's adorable.

This is deeply, deeply terrifying here.

Somebody seems to like you, kid.

Those two over there?

It's the uniform, Walt. Get used to it.

It drives girls crazy.

Well, I'll be careful, then.

I'm serious. Don't wear this on the street.

Babes will tear you apart.

He is so cute.

You think he's smiling at us?

Right, he's going to smile at me.

I look stupid in this uniform.

It looks great.

It makes me look 14.

You are 14.

Exactly.

Hey! hey!

Dad! dad!

Hey, Michele! Ben!

[Michele] i missed you!

Hey! how are you?

Hey! I missed you so much!

Ooh, i missed you.

Hi, Susan.

Hi.

Hi, Vic.

Donny.

It's Michele's fish.

Could I talk to you for a minute, please,

outside?

Sure.

You want fries?

Yeah.

Your uncles are going to fix you up.

I'll be right back.

[Donny] that's your fish?

I didn't see that on the menu.

They're getting blonder, Dave.

I can explain--

and she's a little young, isn't she?

The exchange was supposed to be just us.

It's complicated enough, god knows.

She wasn't supposed to be here.

What, she couldn't get her homework done in time?

She's really good with the kids.

Yippee, Dave. I mean--

am I supposed to be excited about that--

Bambi's good with the kids?

I didn't want you to think

I'd just let anyone around the kids.

Please. if it meant a chance to get laid,

you'd let Hannibal Lecter be their nanny.

That's not true, and you know it.

Ben has a teacher conference, Wednesday at 9:00.

I have an appointment. Can you do it?

Sure. I like Mr. capello.

Gets food in his beard,

but he's a lovely guy.

You won't forget?

No.

We're on chapter six.

I've been doing all the voices.

Don't make the bad guy too scary.

Michele's on the edge.

Got you, honey. Anything else?

Nope.

I'd tell you to grow up,

but what would be the point?

Yeah.

See ya.

Sue?

I really am sorry.

* ...But now i feel them slip away *

* it makes me cry

come on, daddy! Slide!

Yeah, dad! Come on!

I'll be right there.

* to see love die

* so sad to...

And now back to Dr. David townsend.

Thank you, Paul.

We're back, we're live,

and we're taking your calls

on one subject and one subject only,

the painful subject

of divorce.

Linda from hacienda heights, you there?

I'm here, Dr. townsend.

What do I hear in that voice, Linda?

Do I hear longing? Do I hear loss?

Open up, dear. I'm here for you.

I hate this guy.

I hate this guy.

I hate this guy.

I mean, I really, really hate this guy.

Last week was my son Kevin's birthday.

He turned 6.

Happy birthday, Kevin.

And his father was supposed

to take him to a hockey game.

He likes hockey

because there's a lot of fighting.

His father, not Kevin. He loves fighting.

Well, that can be healthy...

Or not healthy.

Go on.

Well, we wait, and we wait,

and he never shows up.

He missed his son's birthday.

He didn't even call!

That son of a bitch! Can I say that?

Because that is the only word for it.

Son of a bitch!

What is the matter with you people?

You think just because you didn't get custody,

these kids just disappear?

The minute the divorce comes through,

you jump on a motorcycle,

you buy a couple of gallons of grecian formula,

you read up on sexually transmitted diseases,

and you think you're a new man.

Meanwhile, there's a whole generation of kids

that have Nick at nite for a father.

Let me tell you something.

There's an old African saying,

mi Toto hulelua lacagimi kisima,

which means,

"it takes the village to raise the child."

Hey, guys, wake up. Your village is calling.

You know we depend on our crops to live, don't we?

Yes, sir.

And there ain't a way in the world

to keep that wild yearling

from destroying them.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry.

I can't never tell you how sorry.

But all's been done was possible.

Take the yearling out in the woods

and tie him and shoot him.

Pa!

Oh!

They're asleep.

Yes!

Dave.

I don't feel comfortable with this.

No. look, Kim. You don't understand kids.

We've been granted 8,

maybe 10 minutes alone here.

There's going to be glasses of water later.

There's going to be pee-pee.

We cannot dawdle.

O.k.

O.k.

But not here.

Shh!

* ...And makes me realize when she says *

goodness gracious.

* don't worry, baby... *

ha ha!

Shh!

* everything will turn out all right *

* don't worry, baby

* don't worry, baby

* ooh, ooh...

Ah!

Dad?

Ben. Ben, my son.

I want some water.

Yes. you have every right.

Water is for everyone.

What were you doing to her?

We were trying on clothes.

Different clothes.

Different kinds of clothes.

She's not spending the night, is she?

No. you're not going to,

are you, Kim? No.

'Cause she's not supposed to sleep over, you said.

I know. I know.

Let's get that water.

* when we were young, we pledged allegiance *

* every morning of our lives

* the classroom rang with children's voices *

* under teacher's watchful eye

* we learned about the world around us *

* at our desks and at dinnertime *

* reminded of the starving children *

* we cleaned our plates with guilty minds *

* and the stones in the road

* they shone like diamonds in the dust *

* and then a voice called to us *

* to make our way back home *

hey.

Hey.

Come on in.

Kim go home?

Yeah. Ben's not ready

for her to stay over yet.

Yeah.

Where is Emma?

She's sleeping over at Meg's.

On your weekend?

I thought you

weren't going to do that anymore.

I thought so, too,

but I don't think it's worth the fight.

Those are the only choices?

Fight or she sleeps someplace else?

It's all that's available at the moment.

It's a very awkward age for girls.

Really? what age is that?

12 through 35. Very awkward.

But I'm going to make up for it tomorrow.

I'm going to cook us a special dinner.

Vic's meat loaf madness?

I'm thinking about it.

You want to sack out here tonight?

No, that's o.K.

I was gonna call you anyway,

see if you could take Ben to soccer tomorrow.

Why? you can't take him?

No. I got to take Michele to t-ball.

I promised Vic I'd take jed to karate.

He's taking Lindsay to "mommy and me."

None of these kids drive yet?

What do you say?

Is my toothbrush still here?

It's in the bathroom. I'll get some blankets.

Thank you.

* and the stones in the road

* they shone like diamonds in the dust *

* and then a voice called to us *

* to make our way back home *

* ahh

* yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah *

marriage vows have no meaning to you people!

Marriage isn't for better or for worse anymore.

It's just till someone feels they need more space.

You want more space? Buy a ranch in Colorado.

You got married. You got kids. Stay together, damn it!

We'll be right back.

* d-i-v-o-r-c-e

Dr. townsend, it's your ex-wife on line two.

Tell her I'm not here.

[Applause and cheering]

Heads up, now! Heads up!

Michele, come on in closer.

Come on!

Oh! oh!

Don't worry about it!

You can do it.

That's all right, Michele. You'll get the next one.

Hey, batter!

What are you doing?

Come on, Michele!

Put your name on it, Michele!

Go, Michele! Go! No! Go to first!

Go to first!

The other way!

The other way!

Michele!

Hey!

Got to be impressed

with her knowledge of the fundamentals.

Oh, I know I am.

Where is Harry?

He shouldn't be missing this.

Oh, Harry and I... We're separated.

Oh, no! Sheila, how long?

I mean, more than five days?

A month. It's not going to work out.

It's over. I'm already back

to using my maiden name.

Sumter.

Oh, sumter. Like the fort.

Yeah.

Oh!

[Applause]

[Sigh]

I can't believe I'm dating again.

That whole scene.

Don't worry. You're going to do fine.

Guys go crazy for girls like you.

Right.

No, you watch.

Your phone is going to be ringing off the hook.

Would it be too forward to say I'm in the book?

No. no. I'm in the book, too.

Yeah. we're all in the book.

You should drop by sometime.

Really?

Sure. anytime.

Well...

I've got to get to field three.

Soccer. excuse me.

O.k. all right.

Bye, Sheila.

How do you like that?

Fort sumter may have to be fired upon yet again.

Hey! ho!

That's my girl!

Ha ha!

Stay calm.

Control yourself.

[Knocking]

You're late.

I'm not late.

I told you 10:00.

You said 10:30.

10:00.

10:00. 30!

Never mind. Where's Lindsay?

She's sleeping.

Oh, that's great.

Grace, I specifically asked you

to have her up and ready.

Now she's going to be cranky the whole time.

I'm sorry.

I'll bet.

[Dog barking]

Ditka! it's you, boy!

Are you happy to see me, huh?

Look what I got for you. Huh?

Yeah! ha ha ha!

I should have married you, shouldn't I?

It's not too late.

O.k. I'm not going to make a big speech or anything,

but I wanted to thank mom and Phil

for this great party and everything.

Thank you, guys.

You really are the best.

And thank you all for coming,

and thank you for the graduation presents.

Oh, and my dad's here, too.

Hi, dad.

And I guess that's it. Thank you.

Thank you.

O.k. right there,

that's more than she's spoken to me

in the last five years.

Don't worry. She'll grow out of it.

I know, I know.

Might that be in my lifetime?

Because I would like that.

This is yours when i pass on, dear.

Yo, she's with Phil's mother now.

I don't want to be involved in this.

Oh, this must be torture for you.

Dave's mother won't even speak to me.

What would she be to me, anyway?

My ex-wife's new husband's mother

would be what,

mother-in-law once removed?

Yeah.

Hey, you.

You were terrific.

She was. You were great, honey.

Donny, you've met Phil's mom Dorothy.

Yes. Dorothy, hi. How are you?

Who is he?

This is Emma's birth father, remember?

Huh?

Birth father! Birth father!

Never mind.

Never mind.

Ah! let's go see Scotty and Mark.

Yeah. you o.K.? You need a drink?

No. fine, thank you.

[Dorothy] I'm just asking.

I'm not deaf.

So...

So, how did it go at Meg's last night?

The usual. We sat up all night

doing drugs and cleaning our guns.

That's very cute.

Thanks.

Well, tonight, she's going to do my hair,

so can I sleep over again?

Tonight? you're graduating tomorrow.

I was going to make a big special deal

for us tonight.

What about my hair?

Meg can do your hair tomorrow morning, right?

That's not how hair works, dad.

You'd rather do your hair than stay with me?

Honey, come see Margie. Do you mind, Donny?

You know, actually, i do, Phil.

Can it wait a minute, please?

Dad.

No. it's o.K.

Thank you.

Listen.

I'm not--

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.

So I can't sleep over?

I didn't say that.

So I can.

I didn't say that either.

God, I hate it when you do this!

Forget it, o.K.?

Forget my stupid hair. Forget everything.

Just forget it.

What just happened here?

Ruff ruff ruff!

Ruff ruff ruff!

Here, boy. Go on, boy. Here.

Ruff ruff!

[Barking]

You want me to wake her?

No. I'll wait.

Where?

What do you mean, where?

I don't know if I feel comfortable--

what? you want me to wait outside?

If you don't mind.

I don't fucking believe this.

Don't you talk like that in front of my dog.

Your dog?

That's right.

That's my dog. I found that dog.

You didn't find him. I found him.

I found him. I named him.

He's my dog.

I found him. I named him.

You renamed him. He's still my dog!

[Whimpering]

Ditka knows whose dog he is,

don't you, boy? Yes, he does!

Come on. We'll go outside and play...Together.

Don't forget you're dropping Lindsay off

at my folks' this afternoon.

I'll be out of town.

Right. what is there, a witches convention?

Oh, what do you know?

I see the unemployment poster boy is here.

Gerald is a very good friend of mine, Vic.

I think it's time

you showed him a little more respect.

I don't think

he should be allowed out there on the porch.

Mommy!

Coming, honey. That's ridiculous.

I built that porch myself, grace,

on weekends, holidays.

I nailed it. I sanded it.

I don't think Gerald should be out there.

I'm telling you, that's my porch!

He shouldn't be on it.

Hi.

Hi.

You o.K.?

Yeah. I just had to get out of there

for a second.

I don't blame you.

You don't smoke, do you?

I'm trying to start.

O.k.

That might not be the best thing for you.

I'm not sure.

I smoked freshman year in college.

I was unbelievably happy.

I've been thinking maybe it was the cigarettes.

I don't think so.

Hmm. o.K.

Blech!

The truth is,

I'm just not very good at this divorce thing.

Oh, nobody's good at it.

You are. You and Dave have a great divorce.

Seriously, your divorce is better

than most people's marriages.

No. we're just better at hiding stuff,

which is worse, actually.

Sometimes I just want to scream or something.

Really? because you seem so together.

Right.

No. I always think of you,

you're like this magazine ad woman, you know,

with the perfect hair and the beautiful children,

this supreme court justice olympic champion combo.

How about late for car pool,

always exhausted, underpaid at work,

and hair a constant disaster?

No, that's not you.

See, I would not have gone for the divorce.

That was really Claire's idea.

I mean, I knew i was unhappy

and she was unhappy

and that it wasn't working.

I mean, I was sleeping in the bathtub,

but I really thought this is it. You know,

if you're married and you have kids,

work it out.

You knew Dave was fooling around,

didn't you?

You were my friend, too, Donny.

I know.

But first loyalty is always to the guys,

right?

I guess. I don't know.

That was the problem with Dave.

I could never get him to love me

as much as he loved you and Vic.

Dave knows that he will never find

anybody as great as you.

Does he?

I do.

We should get back, huh?

Yeah.

[Dave] o.k., dads. We've made it

through four museums, six parks,

and lunch with no fights, no tantrums,

and nobody's thrown up.

Let's not get overconfident.

It's our only day with the kids,

and we've got to get everything in.

We start the afternoon with rollerblades.

After that, we head over to travel town for a train ride.

Then we take the i-10 to bandini's magic and novelty shop

for a little magic.

Then we go due east to the petting zoo.

No. not the petting zoo again.

We go there too much.

Last time, one sheep called me by name.

The kids love it. Deal with it, Mike.

Fine, fine.

We keep moving, we should be home by 6:15,

and that includes one trip to the emergency room,

but only one.

Wagons all loaded, Dave.

Ready to roll.

O.k. let's move 'em out!

Yee-ha!

* keep rollin', rollin', rollin' *

* though the streams are swollin' *

* keep them dogies rollin'

* rawhide

* through rain and wind and weather *

* hellbent for leather

* wishin' my gal was by my side *

* move 'em on, head 'em up, head 'em up, move 'em on *

* move 'em on, head 'em up, rawhide *

* cut 'em out, ride 'em in, ride 'em in, cut 'em out *

* cut 'em out

* ride 'em in, rawhide

[in slow motion] * keep movin', movin', movin'

* keep them dogies movin'

* rawhide

* cut 'em out, ride 'em in *

* ride 'em in, cut 'em out *

* cut 'em out, ride 'em in *

* rawhide *

afternoon, ladies.

Hi. hi.

Just go up and order something.

You do it.

He's so cute.

Go. there's nobody up there. Go now.

Go now. Go, go.

Hello.

May i take your order?

Um...

Well, I can take it from here, Walter.

What's your pleasure?

Um...

Two hot cocoas, please.

Can I see some I.D.?

Ha ha! Ha ha!

You are old enough to drink cocoa, aren't you?

I'm 17. Me, too.

Two hot chocs, Walter.

Coming up.

Max, one order of fries

and fresh horses for my men!

Take it easy, Mike. You're yelling.

Now, listen, listen. My dad's going out of town.

He's taking my mom and my little sister.

The house is mine. You know what that means?

Party!

Party! party!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, wow. Bring your girlfriends.

There we go.

Ha! party! Ha ha! Woo-hoo!

So, I guess I'll see you tonight.

What's daddy's favorite team?

Red Sox!

Yeah! that-a-girl!

[Gagging]

What's the matter, Lindsay?

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Red Sox! right.

[Kids] can we play miniature golf?

[Dave] nope. we got to get home.

Kim's making us a special dinner.

Ice cream is a good idea. Miniature golf.

Nice car.

You think?

My ex thinks it's too much.

No. it's beautiful.

I appreciate beautiful things.

Sue me.

Beautiful, fast things.

Beautiful, fast German things.

It's Heidi, right?

Heidi schmidt.

Jonathan's mother. Center halfback.

Ben's dad. Right wing.

It's good to see you.

Good to see you.

Don't see you enough.

We should see each other more.

I'm in the roster book.

* this little girl of mine *

* I want you people to know *

* that this little girl of mine *

* I take her everywhere I go *

* one day, i looked at my suit *

* my suit was new

* I looked at my shoes

* and they were, too

* and that's why

* why

* why, why...

Now, remember, honey, almost everything

grandma and grandpa say about daddy

is not true, o.K.?

Not true, not true, not true, not true!

Here we go.

There they are!

Hi, Vic.

Hey, Tom, Isabelle.

Hello, Victor.

How's my sweetie?

We had a big day today,

but maybe she had one too many hot dogs,

so I'd watch her with the sweets and stuff.

You didn't feel good, honey?

Mm-mm.

O.k., pookie.

Daddy's going to say bye-bye now.

O.k.? give me a hug?

Aw...

O.k.

No, daddy!

Oh, no, sweetheart.

She'll be o.K. After I leave.

I want my daddy!

Oh. here's her bag.

Thanks.

Bye-bye, honey.

Daddy!

Bye-bye.

There you are, ma'am. Thanks very much.

Hey, Walter. You can call it a day.

Your shift's over.

Is it? Already?

Time flies when you're selling fries, huh?

Yeah. ha ha ha!

Listen. I'll do a double shift.

I don't mind.

What are you trying to be--

employee of the month?

This is your second day. Go on home.

[Beep]

I'll take this one order, o.K.?

Ha ha! You're a fanatic, man.

Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?

It's me, Walt--Max.

Get out of there, man. Your shift's over.

Come on out. I'll give you a ride home.

Hop in, Walt. Your chariot awaits.

That's a '75 Plymouth Valiant.

That's right.

I built your transmission.

Nice job.

Good transmission.

Cool plane.

Nah, she was a dog.

I lost her over France.

You got shot down?

Just once.

How come old guys drink tea?

Did you drink tea when you were young?

Uh, no. Not much.

One day you say, "I'm getting older now.

I better start drinking tea"?

Yeah. that's the rules.

You get old, you drink tea,

and the word "regular"

takes on a whole new meaning.

Wow.

Is that your wife? She's pretty.

Yeah. that was taken

just before we were married.

How long you been married?

48 years.

Oh, I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Yeah. ha ha!

Yeah.

She passed away a couple years ago.

This is my son Walter Jr. here.

He's a real-estate broker in key west.

And that's Angela,

a schoolteacher in Michigan.

Your kids come out here much?

No. not much.

People get busy, you know.

I got a card

from Walter Jr., though, this week.

He sold another condo.

Last year, he won a buick.

What about you? Brothers and sisters?

Uh-huh.

I've got a brother.

Half brother.

Don't see him that much.

He's sort of in and out of my life.

I don't know.

He's kind of messed up.

Oh.

Well, here's to your new career at Mickey d's.

O.k.

And to your dog airplane

and your smart kids and your pretty wife.

Well, here's to my new boss.

Hey, Walter.

You want to go to a party tonight?

* our house *

* is a very, very, very fine house *

* with two cats in the yard *

* life used to be so hard *

* now everything is easy 'cause of you *

* la la

* la la la la la la la *

* la la la la la la la la la *

* la la la la la la la *

* la la la la la la la la *

* la la la la la la la la... *

yes!

31 hours and counting.

We're talking a divorce a minute in this country.

You get married today, your chances of staying together

are less than your chances of surviving a shark attack.

After the divorce, suicide, depression,

alcoholism, drug addiction, obesity--

they all increase.

Divorced Americans are the most unhappy people

in the world,

with the possible exception of married scandinavians,

but, hey, it doesn't have to be this way.

You can take control of your life.

You can be happy.

Say it with me.

I can be happy, Dr. townsend.

I can be happy, Dr. townsend.

Come on. Say it one more time,

louder with feeling.

I can be happy, Dr. townsend.

Believe it because it's true.

It may not happen tonight. It may not happen tomorrow.

It may not happen next week.

It may not happen next Thursday.

It may not happen a week from now.

It may not happen--

bingo.

* hmm

* ahh

* na na na na na

[whistles]

How's it coming?

Not yet.

Well, how's it look?

We're never going to eat.

Nothing was cooked?

Nope.

I'm hungry, daddy.

All right. Hang on.

A friend comes over to make us a special meal,

you can't expect her just to throw something together.

Why not? You do. Watch it.

I liked it when Lydia came to cook.

She made hot dogs.

That wasn't Lydia. It was Karen.

No. it was Jennifer.

No, no. It was Lydia.

You should get them name tags.

It would make it a lot easier for us.

* na na na na

this is crazy. What am I doing?

I shouldn't even be going out tonight.

I never would have made this date

if I knew I had you guys this weekend.

Here, jed. Put this away.

Dad, you've had two dates

in the last eight months.

Three.

Not counting cousin Marilyn.

You're going out,

you're having a great time,

and you look incredibly handsome.

Thank you, daughter.

Look good, dad.

Thank you, son.

Come on. Give me a hug.

Love you.

Go on. Get out of here.

Oh, oh. Where you taking her tonight?

Well, I made reservations at two places--

Chez Henri, a French place on 14th, if it looks promising,

umberto's for Italian if it looks like a bomb.

Hi. you must be Victor.

Yeah. I, uh... I must.

Great. I'll just be a second.

Nice place.

Yes. thank you.

Buying this place was the only smart thing

that son of a bitch ex-husband of mine ever did.

Um, listen, Victor.

I don't smoke, i don't drink,

and no sexual activity on the first date.

O.k.

Do you like Italian food?

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your dining pleasure,

grilled ahi a la Kim.

Well, look at this.

This is beautiful!

Thank you.

Wow!

Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

That's fish.

Yeah. you said you like fish.

He doesn't like fish. He loves fish.

I like fish sticks, not fish fish.

You remember the fish that we caught at lake kachuma.

You ate that.

That was different.

Yeah. that was a disgusting little mud fish.

This is a fantastic grilled ahi with lime sauce

and a sprig of-- what the heck is this?

Cilantro.

Cilantro.

I don't care. I'm not eating it.

You know what, Ben?

I'm going to make you a hamburger.

It'll just take a sec.

No, it's o.K. He's going to have the fish.

It's not a problem, really.

I don't want a burger either.

Oh, you're not going to eat at all now.

Can I call mommy?

No, no. We're having dinner now.

Can I call mommy?

No. no calling mommy.

Let them call.

Kim, I'm handling this.

Don't get mad at me!

I'm not getting mad at anybody...Yet.

I just want to have a nice dinner.

That's all.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Mmm.

Hmm.

Heidi.

Hi.

Hi.

Jonathan wanted to see Ben,

and I wanted to see you.

We thought potluck.

Oh.

Come on!

Jonathan! Jonathan!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is this a bad time?

Heh heh.

Enjoy your meal.

[Coughing]

I'm o.K.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Great.

You o.K.?

Hairball.

[Coughing]

[Clears throat]

This is not, like,

your first time in a restaurant, is it?

No. my ex-husband used to like to eat out all the time,

may he rest in peace.

Oh, he passed away?

Not yet.

[Coughing]

We may need another minute.

O.k.

[Clears throat]

How is it--good?

It's o.K.

You know, I got the recipe from Vic.

Oh.

Yup.

Funny. I used to trade baseball cards.

Now I'm trading recipes.

Hey, that was some brunch today.

It was o.K.

What did you do after the brunch?

Nothing.

You must have done something.

Not actually.

See, what i was doing there

was trying to make conversation.

Did I tell you I'm thinking of taking in a partner at work?

Yeah. because the whole real estate market

is starting to pick up again,

so I was thinking

if I have a mortgage broker in the office, you know.

Remember Joe Farrell?

Not really.

Joe...

Farrell.

Joe Farrell.

Remember we used to go to those great barbecues?

He had that cottage at lake arrowhead.

You must remember Joe Farrell.

O.k. I know Joe.

He used to come to the house all the time

when we lived on Perth street.

Oh, the good old days.

What?

Before the flood.

That's what mom calls it.

Really?

That's what she calls it?

We were so terribly happy.

The Perth street paradise.

I think we were pretty happy on Perth street.

Whatever.

You weren't happy on Perth street?

I don't want to talk about it.

Why not?

Because when we talk about it,

we don't really talk about it,

so let's just not.

I want to talk about it.

Well, I don't.

We're having dinner.

I'm your dad. We can talk about it.

So this is supposed to be a cozy family dinner,

is that what this is?

Christ. you don't make this easy!

You think this is easy for me?

I don't know what it is for you!

Don't yell at me!

I'm not yelling at you.

I'm getting out of here.

Sit down! You're not going anywhere.

I have my own life, too.

Sometimes it's not easy giving that up!

Really?

No one ever thinks about what I need!

Maybe I miss my friends from school.

Maybe I want to go to the movies or a party.

But no. I have to be stuck here with you!

You little shit.

Go.

If you want to go, go.

You don't want to live here, don't, all right?

Why don't you go to Meg's

and just have fun with Meg, o.K.? Go!

[Door closes]

Shit!

Well, this is a little embarrassing.

I didn't realize you'd be here with someone.

We should go.

No, no. Don't be silly.

Does Jonathan like grilled ahi

with cilantro and lime sauce?

It's his favorite.

This smells great.

Good. excuse me.

All right, Dave. What's going on?

What do you mean?

What do you think i mean?

What? you mean Heidi?

Yes, I mean Heidi.

What was i supposed to do,

stop her at the door?

There's an idea.

Well, I can't do that.

We're soccer parents together.

You know, the same team.

There's a bond there. We're panthers.

Uh-huh.

Ohh...

Look. everything's going to be fine.

They won't stay long, really.

I wanted this to be a special night.

And it will be.

I promise, o.K.?

Come on.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get that.

Coming!

Hi.

Hi, Sheila.

We were in the neighborhood,

and we thought we'd take a chance.

Uh...

Oh. oh, no.

This is a bad time.

I should have called.

No, no. It's fine.

It's been so long since I called a man,

I didn't know how. I got nervous.

When I get nervous, i bake.

Oh. thank you, Sheila.

She bakes.

So when you said drop by,

you were just being nice.

[Ben] hey, Joshua. Think fast!

Oh!

Hey! come on! Let's go!

Yeah! let's go!

Maybe we could scrimmage.

So...

What do you weigh?

Come again.

Sorry. see, I'm a wrestling coach.

The first thing I do is try to put people

in their proper weight class.

That's charming.

Uh...

Hmm...

So you'd wrestle what?

Um...126?

109!

So you're a featherweight.

Hmm. yeah.

Are we ready?

Ooh. what do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

What do I want?

[Coughs]

[Clears throat]

Let's see.

Chicken. no, no, no.

Do I want a meatball sandwich?

I don't want a meatball sandwich.

Is this it?

That's it. This is it.

This is it.

Veal?

Man, do you know

how long veal stays in your colon?

It's, like, endless.

[Coughs]

Oof!

I'm part Italian.

I could order for both of us, if you like.

No!

Don't do that, o.K.?

Don't put me in the role

of traditional passive female,

and I'll just sit here

with my little hands in my little lap

while my big, strong man orders for me, o.K.?

Let us not play that game.

We're definitely going to need another minute.

Would you please tell me

what we're doing here?

We're having fun!

You should call your dad.

You should just kick it!

I'm supposed to be babysitting.

You are babysitting!

Do you have any rafi?

What?

Do you have any rafi?

Reefer?

Rafi!

Oh, my god. There he is.

I am totally in love.

Watch. I'm going to talk to him.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

You came. This is Walter.

Nice to see you again.

Hi.

Hello.

You want to dance?

Me?

Sure.

You want to dance with me?

You don't dance?

Yeah, but--

then let's dance.

Look, you want to just go home

and forget this?

Make believe it never happened?

No! come on, silly!

We're out. We're dressed.

It's Saturday night! Let's have a good time.

Whooeeow! whoow!

Whoo!

Are you on medication or something?

God, everybody asks me that.

No! I'm just high on life!

Oh. is that it?

You don't date much, do you?

In the last few years, no.

You?

Mm-hmm. all the time,

and I'm getting much better at it.

I used to be so much worse.

That's hard to believe.

How come you don't date?

Ahh...you know.

You don't like to talk, do you?

It's hard for you to express yourself. I know.

You can tell you keep it all bottled up inside,

festering, ready to explode.

I guess.

Me, I can't shut up.

Want to know why I got divorced?

Irreconcilable differences.

We were total opposites.

He was normal?

I kept telling him i was going to leave.

He didn't believe me.

He said I was faking, like with the orgasms.

Ahh...

He was one of those unenlightened males

who would have rather married his mother,

and that's not fair to me.

Finally, one day, I'd had enough.

I left him a note. It said,

"michael, free-range chicken in the fridge.

Underwear's in the dryer. I'm out of here. Lucille."

That was very thoughtful of you, Lucille,

to leave the chicken.

That's how I am.

That's my crime. Very giving.

Lock me up.

Mm-hmm.

Let's see... What looks good?

* I bless the day I found you *

* I want to stay around you *

* and so I beg you

* let it be me

* don't take this heaven from one *

* if you must cling to someone *

* now and forever

* let it be me

* each time we need love

* I found complete love

* without your sweet love

* what would life be?

No one saw you there, did they?

I mean, Claire didn't see you.

God, I hope not.

What were you doing there, anyway?

I don't know.

I just wanted to see what I don't have.

I mean, I'm standing on that lawn,

and I don't live there.

I don't live with Claire. How is that possible?

We used to be Donny and Claire. Remember?

Sure, I remember.

You're talking to Susan, of Susan and Dave.

We were a family.

I don't know what we are now.

It could be a lot worse.

You read about it in the papers all the time.

One parent kidnaps the kids from another,

takes them across state lines.

Can you imagine if you couldn't even see Emma?

I mean, I know it's not easy,

but we're much, much better off

than a lot of people, Donny.

Why are you so sunny?

What choice do I have?

You could wallow in this with me.

Come on!

Let's wallow!

Let's say bad things about Phil

and our ex-spouses.

It'll be fun.

I'm past that, Donny.

I'll tell you something else.

I'm not going to the graduation tomorrow.

Can't take it. Oh, that's very mature.

Phil's going to be there. Let's let Phil handle that.

It's not the same. You're the father.

Birth father. I'm the birth father.

I'm only operational for weekends

and informal events.

I clean up nice, but no real power,

sort of like prince Charles.

Let's face it.

Nobody wants me there anyway.

Emma wants you there.

It's very easy for you to say.

No!

It's not easy for me.

It's not easy for any of us,

but this is how it is.

This is how it turned out.

You're Emma's father, and that's forever.

Nothing can change that.

You're going to be there for her, Donny.

You are.

* I need love, love, oh, to ease my mind *

* and I need to find, find someone to call mine *

* my mama said

* you can't hurry love

* no, you'll just have to wait *

what was that?

I don't know,

but I did like it.

Yeah. me, too.

* no, you'll just have to wait *

* just trust in the good times *

oh, my god! This feels good!

Oh, gee. I'm kissing Dave's wife.

No, you're not.

No, I'm not.

* I've grown impatient for a love *

why didn't we do this before?

We were married before.

Oh, yeah.

* I can't go on *

you know that I almost kissed you last Christmas?

Really?

You were standing by the fruitcake,

and you looked so good.

You were in that green suit.

You remember what I was wearing?

Yeah. wow. I guess I do.

Remember what I was wearing?

I have no idea.

I'm not shooting for a successful relationship

at this point.

I'm just looking for something

that will prevent me

from throwing myself in front of a bus.

I'm keeping my expectations very, very low.

Basically, I'm just looking for a mammal.

That's my bottom line,

and I'm really very flexible on that, too.

Huh?

[Dean martin] * when the moon hits your eye *

* like a big pizza pie

* that's amore

* when the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine *

* that's amore

* bells will ring

* ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling *

* and you sing vita Bella *

aah!

* hearts will play

* tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay *

* like a gay tarantella

* when the stars make you drool *

* just like pasta fazool

* that's amore *

* when you dance down the street *

* with a cloud at your feet

* you're in love

* when you walk in a dream

* but you know you're not dreaming *

* signore

* 'scusa me, but you see, back in old napoli *

* that's amore

[kids] everybody, come on!

Why don't we move in the living room

for some coffee?

Oh, wonderful.

So anyway, I really thought Jonathan

was going to make the all-star team,

but he couldn't get along with that coach.

[Dave] Rudy?

Who can get along with Rudy?

Why do they let him coach?

He's from Ecuador,

so they figure he must know something about soccer.

Oh, that man. He's so annoying.

He doesn't listen to any of the mothers.

Is it just me?

No. I've noticed that, too.

I didn't want to say anything.

Because you're one of the few men

who actually does listen to women.

51% of the population.

Ha ha ha!

I'd be more comfortable

if there were more women coaches.

That perspective

would be very valuable for the kids.

You know, my ex-wife coaches.

Really? my ex-husband drinks.

Ha ha ha!

Don't get me started on ex-husbands.

Some of my best friends are ex-husbands.

Ha ha ha!

Oh! wait!

What?

Oh, god, Donny, this isn't going to work,

not like this. Not so fast.

Really? because it seemed like it was working.

No. I'm afraid you'd be thinking about Claire,

and you'd be afraid

that I was thinking about Dave.

What if you thought about Claire

and I thought about Dave?

Would that work?

You got some lipstick right...

Huh?

Yeah.

You better go.

You're saying that like you might change your mind.

I know.

That's why you'd better go.

[Loud music playing]

Party!

Don't I know you? I know you.

No, you don't!

Don't I know you?

Emma, where are you going?

Stop!

What are you doing?

What do you care?

You're not my friend anymore anyway.

But if you must know,

we're going for a drive, and you can't come.

Emma, you're not driving this car!

Oh, yeah? Why not?

You're drunk, and you don't have a license.

Meg, just move!

I'm not going to let you--

leave me alone!

You're not my dad!

I've already got two dads!

Why don't you just--

thank you for a wonderful evening,

McDonald's guy.

Now move!

Emma, are you crazy? You can't do this!

You'll have to run me over!

Bye!

There goes my dad's car!

Whoa. lights.

[Tires screeching]

Stop, please!

No!

[Women laughing]

Hysterical!

Oh, I'm sorry.

We're leaving you out, aren't we?

That's o.K.

Sheila's right. We've been excluding you.

We should talk about something

you're interested in.

What would you like to talk about?

Condoms.

Really?

Yeah, let's talk about condoms.

Dave's very interested in safe sex.

Now I know why.

O.k., Kim. I think that's enough.

Yes, you're right, Dave.

That is enough.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I--I'll just be--

I don't know what I'll be.

What's the matter?

Is it the other ladies?

They loved the ahi.

Sheila wants the recipe.

That's not all she wants.

That is so sexist, Kim!

If it were two soccer fathers who dropped by,

you wouldn't be saying any of this.

Are you saying you don't want to sleep with them?

That's a different issue entirely.

[Sheila] we should be going.

I think we're just

going to be running along.

Just kidding.

Jonathan!

Kids, come on!

[Footsteps approaching]

Dad, can my friends sleep over?

Not tonight, Ben.

Why? it's not a school night.

I don't know why.

They just can't.

It's because of her, right?

She ruined this!

She ruins everything!

Go to your room!

It's not fair, dad!

Go!

[Crying]

Stay. you stay. Please.

Oh, you're welcome to go, of course.

If you want.

Come on, kids.

Thank you for this, Dave.

If you want to wait a minute,

I'll rinse out those casserole dishes.

Not at all.

I'll bring them to practice on Wednesday.

Super. great!

And I'll talk to Rudy about Jonathan.

He's got to be more thoughtful of the kids.

Nice meeting you, Kim.

Bye!

Bye!

Look, I, uh...

I'm sorry.

It wasn't supposed to go like this.

No, it wasn't.

* ...To see love die

* so sad to watch good love go bad *

* remember how you used to... *

you want me to drive for a while?

Don't even joke about it.

It's just so hard to resist.

You just want to grab hold!

Ha ha ha!

Hey! hey!

Come on! Cut it out!

Let go of the wheel, will you?

I have a professional responsibility here.

I am a licensed driver's education instructor!

Ohh! a renaissance man!

Well, fine. Go ahead.

Drive the car.

You really do have multiple,

multiple personality problems.

You must know that.

Well, maybe it comes from

wrestling outside my weight class.

Who knows?

[Tires screech]

[Tires screech]

Ha ha ha!

[Tires screech]

Ha ha ha!

Well, here we are.

"Here we are"? That's it?

What do you mean, that's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Aren't you going to ask me in for coffee?

I don't live here. This is your house.

Why would I ask you in for coffee

at your house?

Duh! I thought you'd ask me in for coffee

at your house!

I didn't take you to my house!

Precisely.

Jesus. what a stupid car.

Thank you.

Mmm...

Aren't you going to get out or something?

Hold on.

I'll walk you to the door.

Jeez.

Oh!

Well, good night.

Wait. wait. Wait. Wait.

Keys. keys. Keys. Keys. Where are my keys?

Oh, man.

Mr. wonderful, i don't have my keys!

Leave them by the phone?

I left them by the phone.

The whole place is locked up?

Like a fortress. I'm very paranoid.

So you're locked out.

Yeah. yeah.

Oh, no!

They changed it!

My old Perth street house.

It shouldn't have a porch.

It shouldn't?

No! and it's not supposed to be white.

Is it supposed to be spinning around?

Oh...

Kim.

I forgot my purse.

As soon as I find it, I'll be gone.

You have every right to be mad.

Good. because I am.

Hurt, humiliated, and sad. Very, very sad.

I know tonight didn't work out just right, but--

but what?

I cannot wait to hear this.

It's very hard when the kids--

don't you use your kids against me.

It is not your kids. It is not your buddies.

It is not your work. It is you.

Yeah.

I mean, what was the plan here, Dave?

Did you actually expect

to get all three of us in bed?

Oh.

There's no plan. There's never a plan.

There's just...

I don't know. I was having fun.

I have been looking so hard

for a way to get into your life,

but you know what?

I don't want in anymore.

I just want out.

[Doorbell ringing]

Oh, Jesus!

Don't go yet.

Please.

Vic.

Can we come in?

Sure. come on in.

Dave, this is Lucille. Lucille, Dave.

Hello, Lucille.

Hi, Dave.

Lucille's my, uh, date.

Your date? Oh! Excuse me?

You don't own me.

We're in this together.

It's our date.

Gotcha.

Did you guys have a nice dinner?

Not really.

No. we didn't hit it off.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Mmm.

You want to sit down?

No, thank you.

Kim!

Hi, Vic. Hi.

This is Lucille.

Hi, Lucille. I'm Kim.

Of course you are.

Oh, bravo, Victor. Very nice.

Thanks for showing me

exactly what I'm up against here.

Excuse me?

Every guy's fantasy date--

she's petite, she's perky,

and I'm a big fat pig, right, Vic?

Oh, boy.

I'll make some drinks.

[Doorbell rings]

I almost slept with your wife tonight.

I thought you should know.

O.k. anything else?

No. that's it.

All right. I'll see you later.

What do you mean, see you?

Donny, this isn't the best time.

I didn't just borrow a lawn mower here.

This is a human being we're talking about.

She's a beautiful, sensitive, caring woman,

and she's-- she's beautiful.

I know all about Susan.

We were married for nine years.

You were never married.

You have no idea what that means.

Is this a lecture?

Because I didn't sign up for the class.

It was my fault,

because we covered for you, and we lied for you,

and it was all wrong.

I owe you an apology. I apologize.

I accept. Now get the hell out.

Donny!

Vic?

Is that you?

Come on in.

What are you doing here?

Lucille, Donny. Donny, Lucille.

Hi.

Hi.

Is this the date? The date?

As in the cow or the chicken?

I don't believe you guys. I'm in the stone age here.

How'd it go?

Guess.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello.

Why don't we all sit down?

She doesn't want to sit down. She doesn't want to sit down.

Donny, it's for you. It's Meg.

My Meg? For him?

How'd she know I'm here? You're always here.

[Donny] yeah?

Would you like to sit down?

Hold it. She what?

[Tires screeching]

Dad, over here! Dad!

[Donny] where's Emma?

She's in her old tree house.

Are you kids o.K.?

We should have never gone to that party.

They made me go. They tied me up!

He was dancing.

You call that music? It's just noise.

You were babysitting.

We went to see Max.

Emma has a crush on him.

Who's Max?

I'm Max.

This your idea?

I didn't even know they were coming.

Stay away from these girls.

I didn't do anything.

Stay the hell away from these girls!

Max didn't do anything at all.

Who are you?

I work with him. He's my boss.

Emma? throw that ladder down.

Go away!

Is that his daughter?

Yeah.

Get her out of my tree.

We're working on that.

[Donny] come on down.

No! go away! I hate you! I hate you!

Did you see what she did to my lawn?

Let him talk to his daughter.

I got the lawn torn up, tree damage--

just give me a number.

500.

Give me another number, lower.

Dad, go away! You threw me out! I'm out!

Now just leave me alone!

I'm coming up.

Don't worry. He's done this before.

He's a professional.

No! dad!

[Vic] Donny! hang on!

Pull him up, Emma!

Ow!

Ladder. for to climb.

I'm sorry, dad.

I'm so sorry!

What's the matter with me, daddy?

I can't make anybody happy.

I ruin everything!

Shh! shh! Shh! Shh! Don't talk like that.

If I was better,

if I didn't always get in trouble--

that's why you left.

Hey! hey!

It wasn't you. You know that.

It was never you.

Move back in, dad.

We can make it work this time,

and I'll be good. I promise.

You won't leave.

You and mom will be together.

We can't. We can't be married.

Yes, you can!

We tried.

You didn't try! You just walked out!

How could you do that?

You walked out!

I swear to god, I tried! We couldn't do it.

Well, try again!

I can't. We're not going to get back together!

O.k.? your mom and I,

we'll never be back together again, ever.

This is how it is.

I want to be a family again.

We are a family.

We're just a little screwed up.

We're still a family.

Your mom loves you, and I love you.

God, I love you.

I love you, too, daddy.

That sounds really good.

Could you say that again, please?

I love you.

Could you sing it?

O.k.

We don't have to fix this all tonight, you know?

It's a good start.

[Rock music playing loudly]

Hey! don't be so concerned about Emma, o.K.?

She's going to be fine.

Dad, you can't believe how cool this car is!

Turn it down!

Dad, you can't believe how cool this car is!

How many points do I need to get one?

Jed, you could sit in a bath

eating vegetables, doing your homework all day

for the rest of your life,

and you would not come close

to getting one of these.

But it's got surround-sound and autoscan. Listen.

[Townsend] what is wrong with you people?

It's so simple!

Get out of the car.

What?

I need it. Meg!

Yeah, dad?

I've got errands. I'll meet you back home.

Errands?

Keep an eye on your brother. You're still babysitting.

By the way, you're not getting paid for tonight!

[Peter gunn playing]

Excuse me. Can I help you?

And you are?

Uh...

Uh, what do you want?

Uh, you like a souvenir mug?

What gives you the right?

You make it all sound so easy, don't you?

What gives me the right?

You're in here with your stupid, stupid voice!

Brian! Brian! Brian!

This is for everybody!

I just want to tear your throat out!

[Falsetto] o.k. all right. O.K.

And now back to Dr. David townsend.

We're back, and we've got a guest.

O.k.!

Can you get the Dodgers score?

I can try.

Brian!

You just invent your crappy dime-store wisdom!

That was my father.

Where?

No! on the radio screaming!

...after hour, after hour, after hour!

The crime you commit, townsend,

is you make people think this divorce stuff is easy!

It's their fault if they're not good at this!

You make me feel something's wrong with me

because I'm not enjoying my divorce!

Well, there's nothing wrong with me!

It's you, townsend! You're giving us a complex!

This is hard!

And you think all we got to do

is listen to you and this gets better.

Well, guess what, pal?

This never gets better! It never ends!

It's never over! Never!

They o.K.?

Yeah, they're fine.

They're still listening to their dad

yelling at that townsend guy on the radio.

That's one angry guy.

You mind if we wait,

just till their father comes home?

Sure.

Thanks for sticking up for me tonight.

Hell, that man was way out of line.

You know how fathers are.

No, I don't. Not really.

Where is your father, Max?

I don't really have one.

There's a guy living with my mother now,

but he's more of a pain in the ass

than a father.

Max, I'm going to be 71 years old pretty soon.

I live in a big house all by myself,

and I'm working on the adopt-a-geezer program.

Now, I'm not begging you,

but I could sure as hell use some company.

Walter, you don't even know me, man.

Why would you want me hanging around?

There's a catch.

What's that?

You've got to drive me to work.

Townsend! no more talk. You and me!

15 rounds, right here!

You are a very passionate man,

and I respect that, Mr...

Damico. Vic damico.

D-a-m-i-c-o.

You're going through a rough one,

are you, Vic?

Just shut up!

For once, listen to somebody else!

See? this is good. This is good

because y-y-y-you're just opening up,

a-a-and good things can come from this.

I am guessing that you have children, Vic.

Don't, o.K.? Don't try to draw me out.

It won't work.

Three.

And, uh, since the divorce,

you're feeling distant, removed?

Wrong as usual, Dr. know-it-all.

This is good. Don't block.

Zip it, or I'll break you in half.

All right.

You see, before the divorce,

I thought I was close to my kids,

but I really wasn't.

I mean, I loved them, i took care of them,

made sure they had a roof over their heads,

but I left it to grace--

grace?

Yeah. my ex.

To handle the real emotional stuff.

You know, the intimate stuff.

And she was good at it.

I got to give her credit.

She's still good at it.

I was working, you know, sometimes two jobs.

I just wasn't around much.

I'm not making excuses.

I should have been there, but I wasn't.

I'd come home.

Grace would tell me which kid to hug,

which kid to yell at.

I'd read their report cards,

I'd kiss them good night,

and sometimes I'd make breakfast,

and that was about it.

You know?

But now when my kids are with me,

it's just me.

I'm the one who puts the band-aids on.

I'm the one who rubs the tummy,

shampoos the hair,

and holds them when they have bad dreams.

Then they go back to their mother...

And I realize what I'm missing.

You know, before... I didn't really know.

I couldn't put my finger on it.

But...now I know.

Now I know.

I love that man.

I'm sorry.

[Townsend] if you get a busy signal,

keep on trying.

The lines are tied up

because we're here with Mr. Vic damico,

divorce survivor, divorce victim,

divorce hero.

John from Pasadena, you're on the air.

Hi, Dr. townsend.

I listen to your show all the time,

and I really, really hate you--

oops! we seem to have lost John.

Our next caller, Wendy from silver lake.

Hi, Dr. townsend. Hi, Vic.

Hi, Wendy. Hi, Wendy.

Hold on a second, Wendy.

Doc, a little sugar, please.

I was just wondering,

Vic, do you want to get married again?

If I found the right girl

and my kids liked her.

No, no. Do you want to marry me?

Uh, Vic, we're going to have to

take a little break now.

Yeah. oh, o.K.

Uh, we'll be right back after this.

[Music playing]

You're fabulous.

You haven't done this before?

Never.

Fabulous.

This is great. Good coffee, too.

Can you believe that Vic on the radio?

Tell me about it.

He's good, isn't he?

Call in myself with a few questions.

Maybe he can help me out.

I never heard him talk so passionately

about his kids.

Never heard him talk passionately

about anything, except the Red Sox.

Donny, what you said before

over at my house--

we don't have to talk about that tonight.

I want to tell you that you were right.

I want to work on that.

Commitment, that's important.

Is that what I said?

I don't know anything.

That was just something to say.

You were right about Susan, too.

She's the greatest,

and you're the greatest,

so if that works out,

that would be great.

Just great.

You o.K.?

Yeah.

I'm o.K.

I'm right where i want to be.

We never talk about that.

You know, if you're happy or I'm happy.

We never talk about that.

No, we don't.

You want to?

No.

Me, neither.

See ya.

O.k.

When my father left home...

I didn't see him

for maybe five or six months.

One day, he, uh... He pulled up

in this brand-new mustang.

He'd grown these sideburns, you know?

I was 11 years old at the time,

and all I could think was,

"who is this guy?"

He bought me a tennis racket.

I didn't play tennis.

I still don't play tennis.

I don't want to be him.

You're not him.

Every time i pass a couple,

I think, how come they can do it, and I can't?

How come they can stay together?

What do they know that I don't?

When my kids go back on Sunday, I cry.

I worry that I'm ruining their lives...

That I'm ruining mine.

I do the best that I can.

But I'm screwed.

What if it's not enough?

[Vic] there's going to be

good days and bad days.

You're going to make mistakes.

You're going to screw up.

Hey, you're just a guy.

The main thing is to love your kids

and keep going.

Just love 'em, you know?

Just love 'em.

* who knows how long I've loved you? *

* you know i love you still *

* will I wait a lonely lifetime? *

* if you want me to, i will *

* 'cause if i ever saw you *

* I didn't catch your name

* but it doesn't really matter *

* I will always feel the same

* I'll love you forever and forever *

* love you with all my heart

* love you whenever we're together *

* love you when we're apart *

* ooh

* when I finally find you

* this song will fill the air *

* sing it loud so I can hear you *

* make it easy to be near you *

* all the things you do endear you to me *

* oh, you know I will

* mmm, mmm

* I'll love you forever and forever *

* love you with all my heart

* I'll love you whenever we're together *

* love you when we're apart *

* when I finally find you

* this song will fill the air *

* sing it loud so I can hear you *

* make it easy to be near you *

* all the things you do endear you to me *

* oh, you know I will

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, happiness *

* hello, loneliness *

* I think I'm gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, sweet caress *

* hello, emptiness *

* I feel like i could die *

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

* there goes my baby

* with someone new

* she sure looks happy

* I sure am blue

* she was my baby

* till he stepped in

* goodbye to romance *

* that might have been

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, happiness *

* hello, loneliness *

* I think I'm gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, sweet caress *

* hello, emptiness *

* I feel like i could die *

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

* I'm through with romance *

* I'm through with love

* I'm through with counting *

* the stars above

* and here's the reason

* that I'm so free *

* my lovin' baby *

* is through with me

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, happiness *

* hello, loneliness *

* I think I'm gonna cry *

* bye bye, love

* bye bye, sweet caress *

* hello, emptiness *

* I feel like i could die *

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

* bye bye, my love, goodbye *

* bye bye, my love...