Original subtitles

Hey, let me ask you something.

Thank you. Thank you.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why is it that most of the people

who are against abortion

are people you wouldn't want to fuck

in the first place, huh?

Huh?

Boy these conservatives are really something

aren't they?

They're all in favor of the unborn.

They will do anything for the unborn

but once you're born you're on your own.

Pro-life conservatives are obsessed

with the fetus from conception to nine months.

After that they don't want to know about you.

They don't want to hear from you.

No nothing.

No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start,

no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare,

no nothing.

If you're pre-born you're fine.

If you're preschool you're fucked.

You're fucked.

Conservatives don't give a shit about you

until you reach military age.

Then they think you are just fine.

Just what they been looking for.

Conservatives want live babies

so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Pro-life.

Pro-life.

These people aren't pro-life

they're killing doctors.

What kind of pro-life is that?

What they'll do anything they can to save a fetus

but if it grows up to be a doctor

they just might have to kill it?

They're not pro-life.

You know what they are?

They're anti-woman.

Simple as it gets.

anti-woman They don't like them.

They don't like women.

They believe a woman's primary role is to

function as a broodmare for the state.

Pro-life.

You don't see many of these

white anti-abortion women

volunteering to have any black fetuses

transplanted into their uteruses do you?

No you don't see them adopting

a whole lot of crack babies do you?

No that might be something Christ would do.

And you won't see,

you won't see a lot of these

pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene

and lighting themselves on fire.

You know morally committed religious people

in South Vietnam knew how to stage

a Goddamn demonstration didn't they?

Huh?

Hey.

They knew how to put on a fucking protest.

Light yourself on fire!

Come on you moral crusaders

let's see a little smoke

to match that fire in your belly.

Here's another question I have.

How come when it's us it's an abortion

and when it's a chicken it's an omelet?

What?

Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?

When did this happen

that we pass chickens in goodness?

Name six ways we're better than chickens.

See nobody can do it.

You know why?

Cause chickens are decent people.

You don't see chickens

hanging around in drug gangs do you?

You don't see a chicken

strapping some guy to a chair

and hooking up his nuts to a car battery do you?

When's the last chicken you heard about

came home from work

and beat the shit out of his hen?

Doesn't happen

cause chickens are decent people.

Well let's get back to this abortion shit.

Now is a fetus a human being?

This seems to be the central question.

Well if a fetus is a human being

how come the census doesn't count them?

If a fetus is a human being

how come when there's a miscarriage

they don't have a funeral.

If a fetus is a human being

how come people say we have two children

and one on the way

instead of saying we have three children?

People say life begins at conception,

I say life began about a billion years ago

and it's a continuous process.

Continuous, just keeps rolling along.

Rolling.

Rolling.

Rolling along.

I said you know something?

Listen, you can go back further than that.

What about the carbon atoms?

Huh?

Human life could not exist without carbon

so is it just possible that maybe

we shouldn't be burning all this coal?

Just looking for a little consistency here

in these anti-abortion arguments.

See the really hardcore people will tell you

life begins at fertilization.

Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg,

which is usually a few moments after the man says,

"Gee honey I was going to pull out

but the phone rang and it startled me."

Fertilization.

But even after the egg is fertilized it's still

six or seven days before it reaches the uterus

and pregnancy begins

and not every egg makes it that far.

80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are

rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month

during those delightful few days she has.

They wind up on sanitary napkins

and yet they are fertilized eggs.

So basically what these anti-abortion people

are telling us is that

any woman who's had more than one period

is a serial killer.

Consistency.

Consistency.

Hey, hey if they really want to get serious

what about all the sperm that are wasted

when the state executes a condemned man

and one of these pro-life guys

who's watching comes in his pants huh?

Here's a guy standing over there

with his jockey shorts full

of little Vinnie's and Debbie's

and nobody's saying a word to the guy.

Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

Now

speaking of consistency

Catholics, which I was

until I reached the age of reason,

Catholics

Catholics and other Christians

are against abortions

and they're against homosexuals.

Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?

Leave these fucking people alone

for Christ sakes.

Here is an entire class of people

guaranteed never to have an abortion

and the Catholics and Christians

are just tossing them aside.

You'd think they'd make natural allies.

Go look for consistency in religion.

And speaking of my friends, the Catholics,

when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York

and some of these other cardinals and bishops

have experienced their first pregnancies

and their first labor pains

and they've raised a couple of children

on a minimum wage

then I'll be glad to hear

what they have to say about abortion.

I'm sure it will be interesting

and enlightening too

but

but

in the meantime what they ought to be doing

is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity

to keep their hands off the altar boys.

Keep your hands to yourself Father

you know?

When Jesus said,

"Suffer the little children come onto me,"

that's not what he was talking about.

So you know what I tell

these anti-abortion people?

I say, Hey,

hey if you think a fetus

is more important than a woman

try getting a fetus to

wash the shit stains out of your underwear.

For no pay and no pension.

I tell them to think of an abortion

as term limits, that's all it is.

Biological term limits.

But you know the longer you listen

to this abortion debate

the more you here this phrase sanctity of life.

You've heard that, sanctity of life.

You believe in it?

Personally I think it's a bunch of shit.

Well I mean life is sacred?

Who said so?

God?

Hey if you read history you realize

that God is one of the leading causes of death.

Has been for thousands of years.

Hindu's, Muslims, Jews, Christians

all taking turns killing each other

cause God told them it was a good idea.

The sword of God, the blood of the Lamb,

vengeance is my millions of dead motherfuckers.

Millions of dead motherfuckers

all because they gave the wrong answer

to the God question.

You believe in God?

No.

Dead.

You believe in God?

Yes.

You believe in my God?

No.

Dead.

My God has a bigger dick than your God.

Thousands of years.

Thousands of years and all the best wars too.

The bloodiest most brutal wars fought

all based on religious hatred,

which is fine with me.

Hey anytime a bunch of holy people

want to kill each other I'm a happy guy.

But don't be giving me all this shit

about the sanctity of life.

I mean, even if there were such a thing

I don't think it's something you can blame on God.

No you know what the sanctity of life came from?

We made it up.

You know why?

Cause we're alive.

Self-interest.

Living people have a strong interest in

promoting the idea of somehow life is sacred.

You don't see Abbott and Costello running around

talking about this shit do you?

We're not hearing a whole lot

from Mussolini on the subject.

What's the latest from JFK?

Not a Goddamn thing

cause JFK, Mussolini and Abbott and Costello

are fucking dead.

They're fucking dead.

And dead people give less than a shit

about the sanctity of life.

Only living people care about it

so the whole thing grows out of

a completely biased point of view.

It's a self-serving, man-made bullshit story.

It's one of these things we tell ourselves

so we'll feel noble.

Life is sacred.

Makes you feel noble.

But let me ask you this.

If everything that ever lived is dead

and everything alive is going to die

where does the sacred part come in?

I'm having trouble with that.

Cause I mean even with this stuff we preach

about the sanctity of life we don't practice it.

We don't practice it.

Look at what we kill.

Mosquitoes and flies

cause their pests.

Lions and tigers

cause it's fun.

Chickens and pigs

cause we're hungry.

Pheasants and quails

cause it's fun

and we're hungry.

And people.

We kill people

cause their pests

and it's fun.

And you might have noticed something else.

The sanctity of life doesn't seem

to apply to cancer cells does it?

You rarely see a bumper sticker that says,

Save the tumors

or I break for advanced melanoma.

Nah viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus,

weeds, ecoli bacteria, the crabs,

nothing sacred about those things.

So at best the sanctity of life

is kind of a selective thing.

We get to choose which forms of life

we feel are sacred

and we get to kill the rest.

Pretty neat deal huh?

You know how we got it?

We made the whole fucking thing up.

Made it up.

The same way

Thank you.

The same way we made up the death penalty.

We made them both up.

Sanctity of life and the death penalty

aren't we versatile?

And you know in this country

now there are a lot of people

who want to expand the death penalty

to include drug dealers.

This is really stupid.

Drug dealers aren't afraid to die.

They're already killing each other every day

on the streets by the hundreds.

Drive-by's, gang shootings,

they're not afraid to die.

Death penalty doesn't mean anything

unless you use it on people

who are afraid to die

like the bankers who launder the drug money.

The bankers

who launder

the drug money.

Forget the dealers.

You want to slow down that drug traffic

you got to start executing

a few of these fucking bankers.

White middle class Republican bankers.

And I'm not talking

I'm not talking about

soft American executions

like lethal injection.

I'm talking about fucking crucifixion folks.

Let's bring back crucifixion,

a form of capital punishment

that Christians and Jews of America

can really appreciate.

And I'd go a little further.

I'd crucify people upside down.

Like Saint Peter, feet up head down.

And naked.

I'd have naked, upside down crucifixions

on TV once a week at half time

on the Monday night football game.

Monday night.

The Monday night crucifixions.

You'd have people tuning in

don't even care about football.

Wouldn't you like to hear

Dan Deardorf explain

why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?

And I'll guarantee you one thing

you start executing,

you start nailing one white banker per week

to a big wooden cross on national TV

you're going to see that drug traffic

begin to slow down pretty fucking quick.

Pretty fucking quick.

You won't even be able to buy drugs

in schools and prisons anymore.

Now I don't care about capital punishment

one way or another

cause I know it doesn't do anything.

It doesn't do anything except maybe satisfy

a kind of a biblical need for revenge.

You know if you read the bible you see that

it's full of retribution and revenge

so really capital punishment

is kind of a religious ritual.

It's a purification rite.

It's a modern sacrament

and as long as that's true

I say let's liven it up a little.

I honestly believe if you make the death penalty

a little more entertaining

and learn to market it correctly

you just might be able to raise enough money

to balance the stupid fucking budget.

Balance the stupid fucking budget.

And don't forget the polls show

the American people want capital punishment

and they want a balanced budget

and I think even in a fake democracy

people ought to get what they want

once in a while

just to feed this illusion

that they're really in charge.

Let's use capital punishment the same way

we use sports and television

in this country to distract people

and take their minds off

how bad their being fucked by the upper 1%.

Now unfortunately

unfortunately Monday night football

doesn't last long enough.

What we really need

is year round capital punishment

on TV every night with sponsors.

Got to have sponsors.

I'm sure as long we're killing people

Marlboro cigarettes and Dow Chemical

would be proud to participate.

Proud to participate.

Balance the stupid fucking budget.

And let me say this

to you my interesting Judea Christian friends

not only

not only do I recommend crucifixions

I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings.

Beheadings on TV,

slow motion,

instant replay

and maybe you could let the heads

roll down a little hill

and fall into one of five numbered holes.

Yeah.

Let the people at home gamble on which hole

the head is going to fall into.

And you do it in a stadium

so the mob can gamble on it too.

Raise a little more money

and if you want to expand

the violence a little longer

to sell a few more commercials

instead of using an axe

you do the beheadings with a hand saw.

Hey don't bail out on me now God damn it.

The blood is already on our hands

all we're talking about is a matter of degree.

You want something a little more delicate?

We'll do the beheadings with an olive fork.

That would be nice.

And it would take a good Goddamn long time.

There's a lot of good things we could be doing.

When's the last time

we burned someone at the stake?

It's been too long.

Here's another form of capital punishment

comes out of a nice rich religious tradition,

burning people at the stake

sponsor,

Bridgeford Charcoal.

And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings.

The Sunday Morning Evangelical

Send Us An Offering

Praise Jesus Human Bonfire.

You don't think that would get big ratings

in this sick fucking country?

Shit you'd have people

skipping church to watch this stuff.

And you take the money they send in

the offerings and you use it [Noise]

to balance the budget.

What about boiling people in oil?

Boy those were the days, weren't they?

You get the oil going real good, you know?

A nice high rolling boil

and then slowly at the end of a rope

you lower the perpetrator head first

into the boiling oil huh?

You talk about fun shit.

And just to encourage citizen participation

you let the mob in the stadium

control the speed of the rope.

Good clean, wholesome family entertainment.

The kids will love it.

The kids will love it

and at the same time their enjoying themselves,

we're teaching them

a nice Christian moral lesson.

Oiling people in oil.

Sponsor, Crisco.

And maybe instead of boiling all these guys

every now and then

you could French fry a couple of them.

French fried felons.

Dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof you know?

Kind of a tempura thing huh?

Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit did he?

Jeffrey Dahmer eat your heart out,

which is an interesting thought in of itself.

All right enough nostalgia

what about some modern forms

of capitol punishment?

How about we throw a guy

off the World Trade Center

and whoever he lands on

wins the Publishers Clearing House huh?

Okay something a little more sophisticated;

you dip a guy in brown gravy

and lock him in a small room with a wolverine

who's high on angel dust.

There's one guy that's not going to be

fucking with too many kids

at the bus stop for a while huh?

Here's something really nice you could do.

You shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapult

right into a brick wall.

Trouble is it would be over too quick.

No good for TV you know,

you'd have to do a whole bunch of guys

right in a row.

Rapid-fire capital punishment.

Fifteen catapults while you're shooting off one

you're loading up the others.

Of course every now and then

you would have to stop

to clean off the wall.

Cleanliness right next to Godliness.

All right high tech.

I sense some of you's are waiting for high tech.

I got it.

You take a small tactical nuclear weapon

and stick it up a guy's ass.

A thermal nuclear suppository.

Preparation-H Bomb.

You talk about fall out huh?

Whoa!

Or you take the bomb

and you stick it just inside that little hole

on the end of a guy's dick you know?

Yeah.

A bomb in a dick.

When it goes off the guy wouldn't know

whether he was coming or going.

Get out of here.

I got you.

Hey

listen

Hey

I got a lot of good ideas.

Balance the stupid fucking budget.

Here's another idea.

I'm going to save you

a whole lot of money on prisons

but at the same time

we are still going to remove from society

many of our more un-annoying citizens.

Four groups are going away permanently.

First group violent criminals.

Here's what you do with these Emmy Award winners.

You take the entire state of Kansas,

you move everybody out.

You give them a couple hundred dollars

for their inconvenience you know?

That'll be fair

and then you move them out,

you put a big ten-story electric fence

around Kansas and Kansas becomes

a permanent prison farm

for violent criminals.

No parole, no police, no supplies

the only thing you give them

is lethal weapons and live ammunition

so they can communicate

in a meaningful way.

Then you put the whole thing on cable TV.

The violence network, VNN

and for a corporate sponsor

you get one of those company's

that loves to smear its logo feces

all over the landscape,

Budweiser will jump at this shit

in half a minute.

All right next group,

sex criminals.

Completely incurable you got to lock them up.

You could outlaw religion

and most of these sex crimes

would disappear in a couple of generations

but we don't have time for rational solutions.

Much easier to fence off another rectangular state.

Rectangular states are cheaper to fence,

saves the taxpayers money you know?

This time Wyoming

but only for true sex offenders.

We're not going to bother consenting adults

who like to dress up

in leather Boy Scout uniforms

and smash each other in the head

with ball-peen hammers

while they take turns blowing their cat.

There's certainly nothing wrong with that.

It's a victimless hobby

and think of how good the cat must feel.

No, we're only going to lock up

rapist and molesters,

those hopeless romantics

who are so full of love

they can't help getting a little of it on you.

Usually on your leg.

You take all these heavy breathing fun seekers

and you stick them in Wyoming

and you let them suck, fuck and fondle.

You let them blow, chew, sniff, lick, whip,

gobble and corn hole each other

until their testicles are whistling

O'Come All Ye Faithful.

Then you turn on the cameras

and you got the Sperm Channel

and don't forget our corporate sponsor,

we're going to let Budweiser

put little logo patches

on the rapists pants right here,

This Pud's for You.

All right next group,

drug addicts and alcoholics.

Not all of them, don't get nervous,

just the ones who are making life difficult

for at least one other person.

And we're not going to bother first offenders.

People deserve a chance to clean up.

Everyone will get

twelve chances to clean up.

Okay.

All right.

Fifteen, fifteen..

That's fine and that's it.

If you can't make it in fifteen tries

off you go [noise] to Colorado.

Colorado,

a perfect place for staying loaded.

Each week all of the illegal drugs

confiscated in the United States

that the police and DEA

don't keep for their own personal use,

will be air dropped into Colorado.

And we're going to turn the Coors Brewery

over to the beer drinking assholes

and everyone can stay

wasted, wired, stoned, bombed, hammered,

smashed and shit-faced around the clock

on another new cable channel,

Shit Faced Central

this is the real Rocky Mountain High!

Okay I've saved my favorite group for last.

The maniacs and crazy people.

Yeah.

The ones who live out

where the buses don't run.

And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people.

A maniac will beat nine people to death

with a steel dildo.

A crazy person will beat nine people to death

with a steel dildo but he'll be wearing

a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

So you can't put them all away.

You know you got to keep some of them around

just for the entertainment.

Like a guy who tells you

that the King of Sweden is using his penis

as a radio transmitter

to send anti-Semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes

to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlish.

A guy like that

you want to give him his own radio show.

No the maniac farm will be reserved

strictly for hopeless cases

like a guy who gets a big tattoo

on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit.

You know?

And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way

it looks like she's wiping her ass you know?

A guy like that you want to get him into custody

as quickly as possible.

Now for the maniac farm

I think there's no question

we got to go with Utah.

Utah, easy to fence, easy to fence,

right next to Wyoming and Colorado

and Colorado is right next Kansas

and that means all four groups

of our most amusing citizens

are now in one place

except for the big fences

and I think I have another one

of my really good ideas for cable TV.

Gates.

Small sliding gates in the fences.

Think of what you got here.

Think of what you've got.

Predators, degenerates,

crack heads and fruitcakes.

Nine hundred miles of fence separating them.

Every fifty miles you put a small sliding gate

but the gates are only ten inches wide

and there only open once a month

for seven seconds.

And you know something

fuck cable

this shit has got to be on pay-per-view.

Because if those gates are only open

seven seconds a month

you are going to have

some mighty interesting people

pushing and shoving to be first on line.

Deeply disturbed,

armed, cranky lunatics

on drugs.

You know the ones.

A lot of tattoos,

lot of teeth broken off at the gum line,

the true face of America

and every time you open the gates

a few of the more aggressive ones

are going to get through.

The crème da la crme.

The alphas.

They're going to get through.

Their going to find each other

and their going to cross breed

and pretty soon you have a melting pot.

Child killers, corpse fuckers,

drugs zombies and full-blown wackoloons

wondering the landscape

in search of truth and fun.

Just like now.

Everyone will have guns.

Everyone will have drugs

and no one will be in charge.

Just like now.

But at least we'll have a balanced budget.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey time for a few fart jokes.

Where would a comedy show be

without a few fart jokes?

Question

Did you ever have to fart

on a bus or an airplane

or in some public place

but you hadn't been farting all that day

so you didn't really know

the nature of the beast.

You only knew there was lots of it.

In a situation like that

what you have to do

is to release

a test fart.

You have to arrange to release

quietly

and in a carefully controlled manner

about ten to fifteen percent

of the total fart

in order to determine

if those around you can handle it.

Or, or if in fact

you may be about to precipitate

a public health emergency.

When releasing a test fart it is often good

to engage in an act of subterfuge,

such as reaching for a magazine.

Say,

is that Golf Digest?

[Noise]

That doesn't smell too horrifying.

In fact in an odd way it's rather pleasant.

I think they ought to enjoy

the rest of this baby.

[Noise]

And it turns out to be

one of those farts

that would strip the varnish off a footlocker.

A fart that could end a marriage.

And everyone around you

heads for the exits.

Even the people on the airplane.

As you realize it is time

to review your fiber intake.

It might not be necessary after all

each morning to eat an entire wicker swing set.

I have no ending for this

so I take a small bow.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Thank you.

Okay.

And this next thing

this next thing is about

the English language.

It's about little expressions we use.

We all say them.

The little sayings and expressions that we use

all the time most of us

and we never really seem

to examine these expressions

very carefully at all

we just sort of say these things

as if they really made sense.

Like "Legally drunk."

Well if it's legal

what's the fucking problem?

Hey,

leave my friend alone officer

he's legally drunk.

"You know where can stick it."

Well why do we always assume everyone knows

where they can stick it?

Suppose you don't know.

Suppose you're a new guy.

You have absolutely no idea where to stick it.

I think there ought to be

a government booklet entitled,

"Where to Stick It."

Now that I think of it I believe

there is a government booklet like that.

They send it to you on April 15th.

"Undisputed Heavy Weight Champion."

Well if it's undisputed

what's all the fighting about?

"It's the quiet ones you got to watch."

You know that one huh?

Every time you see a story

about a serial killer on TV

what do they do?

They bring on the neighbor

and then the neighbor says,

Well he was always very quiet.

And someone in the room says,

It's the quiet ones you got to watch.

This sounds to me

like a very dangerous assumption.

I will bet you anything

that while you're watching the quiet one

a noisy one will fucking kill you.

Suppose you're in a bar

and one guy sitting over on the side

reading a book not bothering anybody,

another guy standing up at the front

with a machete banging on the bar saying,

I'll kill the next motherfucker who comes in here.

Who you going to watch?

You're God damn right.

"Lock them up and throw away the key."

This is really stupid.

Where you going to throw the key?

Right out in front of the jail?

His friends will find it.

How far can you throw a key?

Fifty, sixty feet the most.

Even if you lay it flat on its side like that

and you scale it

what do you get an extra ten feet tops.

This is a stupid idea.

Needs to be completely rethought.

"Down the tubes."

You hear that one a lot, people say,

Awe the country is going down the tubes.

What tubes?

Have you seen any tubes?

Where are these tubes?

And where do they go?

And how come there's more than one tube?

It would seem to me one country one tube.

What does every state all of a sudden

have to have it's own tube now?

One tube is all you need.

But a tube that big

somebody would have seen it by now.

Somebody would have said,

Hey Joey, Joey look at the fucking tube.

Big ass fucking tube over here.

You never here that.

You know why?

No tubes.

We don't have tube one.

We are essentially tubeless.

"Takes the cake."

You know?

Say, Boy he really takes the cake.

Where?

Where do you take a cake to the movies?

You know where I would take a cake

down to the bakery

to see the other cakes.

And how come he takes the cake?

How come he don't take the pie?

The pie is easier to carry than the cake.

"Easy as pie."

Hey wait,

cake is not too hard to carry either.

"Piece of cake."

"The greatest thing since sliced bread."

So this is it huh folks?

A couple hundred thousand years.

The fucking pyramids for Christ sakes.

Panama Canal.

The Great Wall of China.

Even a lava lamp

to me is greater than sliced bread.

What's so great about sliced bread?

You got a knife; you got a loaf of bread

slice the fucking thing!

And get on with your life.

"Out walking the streets."

You know guy gets a parole.

They say, Now instead of being in prison

this guy is out walking the streets.

How do we know?

Maybe the guy's home banging the babysitter.

Not everybody that gets a parole

is out walking the fucking streets.

A lot of times they steal a car you know?

So we ought to be glad.

Thank God he stole a car.

At least he's not out walking the streets.

"Fine and dandy."

That's an old fashioned one that ya hear.

Say to a guy, How are ya?

Just fine and dandy.

Not me.

I never say that.

You know how come?

Cause I'm never both of those things

at the same time.

Sometimes I'm fine not dandy.

Close to dandy.

Approaching dandy.

In the vicinity of dandy hood

not quite fully dandy.

Other times I am indeed highly dandy.

However, not fine.

One time

One time

in 1965

August for about an hour

I was both fine and dandy at the same time

but nobody asked me how I was.

And I could have told them.

I could have told them.

I could have told them.

I could have said to the person,

fine and dandy.

I consider it a lost opportunity.

"Walking papers."

You know?

Guy gets fired.

You say, Gees poor guy.

Well they give him his walking papers today.

Did you ever get any walking papers?

Seriously?

Believe me in my life

I got fired a lot of times.

You can tell.

Never got any walking papers.

Never got a pink slip either.

You know what I would get?

A guy would come around to my desk and say,

Get the fuck out of here!

You don't need paper for that.

It's like "The Riot Act."

"The Riot Act."

They keep telling you

their going to read that to you.

Have you heard this thing at all?

Especially when you're a kid

they threaten you.

You wait till your father comes home.

He's going to read you the riot act.

Tell him I already read it myself

and I didn't like it either.

I consider it wordy and poorly thought out.

He wants to read me something how about

'The Gentleman's Guide

to the Golden Age of Blow Jobs.'

"More than happy."

I bet you say that sometimes don't you?

Once in a while you say to somebody,

Oh I'd be more than happy to do that.

How can you be more than happy?

To me this sounds

like a dangerous mental condition.

We had to put Dave in the mental home.

He was

more than happy.

One more of these.

"In your own words."

People say that to you?

You know when you hear that a lot

in a classroom

or in a courtroom

they'll say to you,

Tell us in your own words.

Do you have your own words?

Hey I'm using the ones

everybody else has been using.

Next time they tell you to say something

in your own words say,

Nik flak flarnee kloundo floo.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now this next piece of material is real simple

it's called, free-floating hostility.

Twenty-four minor culture items

I'm bored with tired of and pissed at.

So I hope you're ready for a little random anger.

People

People

People who make quote marks

in the air with their finger.

Are you tired of these people yet?

He said he was, "Sober."

Hey lady,

"Eat me."

Budda-boom, budda-bing.

Next guy says to me budda-boom, budda-bing

is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts.

Budda-boom, mother fucker!

You want to try budda-bing?

Bad hair day.

Where did this shit come from?

What a superficial culture.

Put on a hat and go to work you shallow cunt.

It's a good thing Lewis and Clark

never had a bad hair day

or Daniel Boone huh?

Kuster, he had a really bad hair day

but he had it coming that blond,

blue-eyed criminal fuck.

What about these guys that tell you,

I heard that.

I heard that.

Ah you did, did you?

Well isn't this exciting.

What is this a fucking hearing test?

Did I wonder into a Beltone commercial here?

Of course you heard you fucking nimrod

I'm standing right next to ya.

I'm going to move down here.

I'm going to move a little farther away.

Blow me!

By any chance did you here that?

What about these people who tell you

their needs aren't being met?

You run into this stuff?

This is support group shit.

Twelve steppers.

My needs aren't being met.

Know what I tell them?

Drop some of your needs.

Life is a zero sum game.

What else is troubling me?

Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced

on the television news

as if it's an actual event.

I don't give a shit.

If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday

I'd have memorized it years ago

and I'd send him a card.

Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday.

Love, George.

I don't do that why?

Don't give a shit.

Fuck Mickey Mouse.

Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick.

Then break it off

and beat him with the rest of it.

I hope Mickey dies.

I do, I hope he Goddamn dies.

I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese

and dies lonely and forgotten

behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom

in a poor neighborhood

with his hand in Goofy's pants.

Mickey Mouse, no wonder

no one in the world takes our country serious.

Do we waste valuable television time

informing our citizens of the age

of an imaginary rodent!

Now let me ask you this,

the two pandas in the zoo

do you care if they fuck?

I don't.

Why don't they stop telling me on the news

the pandas didn't fuck again this year?

I'm not concerned.

I have no emotional stake

in panda fucking all right?

If they want to they will.

If not they'll watch the Price is Right.

Probably the only reason

they're not doing it on time

is cause some jack off

from the environmental movement

has moved into the cage with them.

Could you get a hard on

if some guy in a green T-shirt with a stopwatch

was taking your girlfriends rectal temperature?

Leave these creatures alone.

And

let me get a sip of water here, hold on.

All right.

And as long as we're talking about the news

I don't want to hear anything more

about sperm egg donor surrogate

invetro test tube biological adoptive

foster parents who want their baby back.

Baby Jane, Baby Ruth, Baby This, Baby That,

Baby It's Cold Outside, I don't give a shit.

Leave me alone and keep it off my TV.

Sick American shit.

I'm also tired of hearing about

innocent victims.

This is an outmoded idea.

There are no innocent victims.

If you live on this planet

you're guilty period.

Fuck you.

End of report next case.

Next fucking case.

Next case.

You're birth certificate is proof of guilt.

And what happened in this country that now suddenly

everyone is walking around

with their own personal bottle of water?

When did we get so thirsty in America?

Is everybody so dehydrated

they have to have

their own portable supply of fluids

with them at all times?

Get a drink before you leave the house.

Another crime against society,

hyphenated names.

Hey lady pick a fucking name would you please?

Pick a fucking name.

Hi I'm Emily Jericho-Fordescu.

Hi I'm George Jerk-Me-Off-Fuck-You-Too.

You don't acquire personal dignity

by adding a name to your name.

Feminists think it's a radical act.

It's not.

Castrating a guy in a parking lot

with a Coke bottle is a radical act.

Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit.

And what is going on with all these

telephone-calling plans?

MCI, AT&T is this shit really necessary?

When did the phone bill become

life's most critical document?

In a country where you can buy

cinnamon dental floss,

cheese in a spray can

and eatable women's panties

are people really breaking their balls

to save nine cents on a fucking phone call?

You know?

Talking to your mother once a year

might not be the most pleasant thing in the world

but it should not be seen

as a critical spending decision.

Something else I don't understand

motivation tapes.

Motivation books.

What happened here?

Suddenly everybody needs to be motivated?

It's a fairly simple thing.

Either you want to do something or you don't?

What's the big mystery?

Besides if you're motivated enough

to go the store to by a motivation book

aren't you motivated enough to do that

so you don't need the book?

Put it back.

Tell the clerk, Fuck you.

I'm motivated.

I'm going home.

I'm going home.

And can anyone explain to me

the need for one hour photo finishing?

You just saw the fucking thing.

How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept

like a little while ago?

Another complaint,

too many vehicles.

There are some families in this country

own entirely too many vehicles.

You see them on the highway in an RV.

But that's not enough for them.

RV's not enough.

Behind them they're towing a motorboat,

go-cart, dune buggy, dirt bike, Jet Ski,

snow mobile, parasail, hand glider,

wind surfing equipment, a hot air balloon

and a small two-man deep-sea diving bell.

Doesn't anyone just take a fucking walk anymore?

The only thing these people lack

is a lunar excursion module.

Too many choices America.

It's not healthy.

Another abomination,

white guys

over ten years of age

who wear their baseball hats backwards.

Listen to me.

White guys let me tell you something.

You're never going to be as cool as black guys.

It's not going to happen.

You're white

and you're lame.

It's a fucking law of nature.

Turning your hat around

and learning a complicated handshake

will not make you cool.

And you black guys

since you started the whole thing

I'm going to let you stay with the hats

a little bit longer but I think really

once you qualify for social security

it's time to spin that motherfucker

around to the front of you.

All right?

Yeah.

Another tip, another tip for the men.

The earring.

The thing with the earrings.

It's over.

It's been over for a long time.

Doesn't mean anything anymore.

It was supposed to piss off the squares.

The squares are wearing them now.

Doesn't mean anything.

It's just fucking jewelry.

Unless you have an earring

with a live baby hanging from it

it's just jewelry.

And I want you to know

I'm in favor of self-mutilation

and personal disfigurement.

I've always said there's nothing like puncturing

and perforating your skin in a dozen or so places

in order to demonstrate your high self-esteem.

When I see a young man decorating his scalp

with a soldering iron I say,

There's a happy guy.

Thinks highly of himself.

And haven't we gone a little overboard with

these colored ribbons for different causes?

Every cause has it's own colored ribbon now.

Red for AIDS.

Blue for child abuse.

Pink for breast cancer.

Green for the rain forest.

Purple for urban violence.

I got a brown one.

You know what it means?

Eat shit motherfucker!

Eat shit motherfucker!

And what can we do

to silence these Christian athletes

who thank Jesus whenever they win,

never mention his name when they lose.

Not a word.

You never hear them say,

Jesus made me drop the ball.

The good Lord tripped me up

behind the line of scrimmage.

According to these guys Jesus is undefeated.

Meanwhile, these assholes are in last place.

Must be another one of those miracles.

And speaking of delusional people

what about a guy who hears a voice in his head

tells him to kill his entire family

so he does it?

Is this the only thing a voice in the head

ever tells these people to do

is to kill others?

Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy?

Go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's.

Doesn't a voice, doesn't a voice tell a guy

to take out his dick on the merry-go-round once in a while?

Well some guys

do take out their dicks on the merry-go-round

but usually it's their own idea.

Something else I can do without,

aftershave and cologne

and this disgusting shit

that men put on their bodies.

Just what I need in the elevator

some guy standing next to me

smells like a fucking pine tree.

I say, Go home and wash you smelly prick.

You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cathouse.

Goddamn guys are stupid.

Guys are really fucking dumb.

They think they're going to get laid with stuff you know?

Oh yeah they put it on at home.

Oh boy, oh boy I'll get laid tonight.

I'll get laid tonight.

You don't get laid with green shit

that comes out of a bottle okay?

The only smell that's going to help you get laid

might be your own natural scent.

You have pheromones

it's a secondary sex characteristic.

People in America they're all nervous about sex.

They want to cover it up and disguise it.

Guys in Europe they know how to live.

Guy gets in an elevator over there

he smells like a pile of dog shit.

Those people are sophisticated.

Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around

in cowboy hats and cowboy boots.

You ever see these jack offs?

Can't we kill some of these motherfuckers?

Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat.

Grown men.

It's not even Halloween for Christ sakes.

I say, Hey Tex

grow up and get yourself a wardrobe

consistent with the century you're living in.

Why do certain men feel the need

to dress up as mythic figures?

You don't see anyone walking around

in a pirate costume do you?

When was the last guy you ran into

had on a Viking outfit?

Make believe cowboys,

closest they ever got to a cow

is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

And camcorders.

Here is technology gone bezerk.

Everywhere you go now there's some dick,

some yo-yo,

some putts

with a camcorder

and he is going to tape everything.

Doesn't anyone in this country

just stop and look at things anymore?

Sort of take them in.

Maybe even remember them.

Is that such a strange notion?

Does experience have to be documented

and brought home and saved on the shelf?

And do people really watch this shit?

Are people's lives so bankrupt they sit at home

looking at things they already did?

And these guys are so intense you know?

It's always guys

they won't let women touch the cameras.

It's a highly technical skill.

Look for a hole, push on a button,

big skill and there

they all think they're Federico Fillini

you ever see

Low angles, zooms and pans

and it's the same ugly three children

in every Goddamn shot.

All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood

is not going to change

the unfortunate genetic configuration

on the faces of these children.

Keep these unfortunate youngsters

out of public view.

Now

a lot of these

hold on a second

a lot of these cultural crimes

I've been complaining about

can be blamed on the baby boomers.

Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about,

the baby boomers.

Whiney, narcissistic, self-indulgent people

with a simple philosophy, Give me that it's mine.

Give me that it's mine!

These people were given everything.

Everything was handed to them

and they took it all.

Took it all.

Sex, drugs and rock-n-roll

and they stayed loaded for twenty years

and had a free ride

but now they're staring down the barrel

of middle age burn out

and they don't like it.

They don't like it so they've turned self-righteous

and they want to make things

hard on younger people.

They tell them to abstain from sex.

Say no to drugs.

As for the rock-n-roll

they sold to television commercials

a long time ago

so they could buy pasta machines

and Stairmaster's

and soybean futures.

Soybean futures.

You know something?

They're cold, bloodless people.

It's in their slogans.

It's in their rhetoric.

No pain, no gain.

Just do it.

Life is short play hard.

Shit happens deal with it.

Get a life.

These people went from do your own thing

to just say no.

They went from love is all you need

to whoever winds up with the most toys wins.

And they went from cocaine to Rogaine.

And you know something

they're still counting grams

only now it's fat grams.

And the worst of it is

the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV

for Levi's loose fitting jeans

and fat ass Docker pants

because these degenerate yuppies boomer cocksuckers

couldn't keep they're hands off

the croissants and the Haagen-Dazs

and their big fat asses have spread all over

and they have to wear fat ass Docker pants.

Fuck these boomers.

Fuck these yuppies

and fuck everybody

now that I think about of it.

Well sometimes in comedy you have to generalize.

Now there's one thing you might have noticed

I don't complain about,

politicians.

Everybody complains about politicians.

Everybody says they suck.

Well where do people think

these politicians come from?

They don't fall out of the sky.

They don't pass through a membrane

from another reality.

They come from American parents

and American families,

American homes, American schools,

American churches, American businesses

and American universities

and they're elected by American citizens.

This is the best we can do folks.

This is what we have to offer.

It's what our system produces.

Garbage in, garbage out.

If you have selfish ignorant citizens

if you have selfish, ignorant citizens

your going to get selfish, ignorant leaders

and term limits ain't going to do you any good

you're just going to wind up

with a brand new bunch of

selfish, ignorant Americans.

So maybe, maybe, maybe

it's not the politicians who suck.

Maybe something else sucks around here

like the public.

Yeah the public sucks.

There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody.

The public sucks, fuck hope.

Fuck hope.

Because if it's really

just the fault of these politicians

then where are all the other bright people of conscience?

Where are all the bright honest intelligent Americans

ready to step in and save the nation

and lead the way?

We don't have people like that in this country.

Everybody's at the mall

scratching his ass, picking his nose,

taking his credit card out of his Fannie pack

and buying a pair of sneakers

with lights in them.

So I have solved this little political dilemma

for myself in a very simple way

on Election Day

I stay home.

I don't vote.

Fuck them.

Fuck them.

I don't vote.

Two reasons, two reasons I don't vote.

First of all, it's meaningless.

This country was bought and sold and paid for

a long time ago.

The shit they shuffle around every four years

[noise].

Doesn't mean a fucking thing.

And secondly I don't vote

cause I believe if you vote

you have no right to complain.

People like to twist that around

I know they say, they say,

Well if you don't vote you have no right to complain.

But where's the logic in that.

If you vote

and you elect dishonest, incompetent people

and they get into office and screw everything up

well you are responsible for what they have done.

You caused the problem.

You voted them in.

You have no right to complain.

I on the other hand,

who did not vote,

who did not vote,

who in fact,

did not even leave the house on Election Day

am in no way responsible

for what these people have done

and have every right to complain

as loud as I want

about the mess you created

that I had nothing to do with.

So I know that a little later on this year

you're going to have another one of those really swell

presidential elections that you like so much.

You'll enjoy yourselves.

It will be a lot of fun.

I'm sure as soon as the election is over

you're country will improve immediately.

As for me I'll be home on that day

doing essentially the same thing as you

the only difference is

when I get finished masturbating

I'm going to have a little something to show for it folks.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you everybody.

See you later. See you later.