Original subtitles

Oh, dear!

Oh, dear!

Who did this then, chief?

It was like it when I got it.

Oh, my days!

Look at the state of that axle.

What a bodge!

Oh, dear!

Oh, dear.

My mom could have done a better

job with those wheel arches.

And she's been dead for 20 years!

What, that's bad then, isn't it?

They're all warped.

Look.

I'm just looking for a bit more speed is all.

You race then, chief?

Planning to, planning to.

Underground or in the arena?

Well, hopefully arena one day.

What's underground?

Wannabe circuit.

Every Saturday outside the city wall.

Oh, sweet.

Bunch of dickheads!

Got themselves chariots.

Think they know thefirst thing about racing.

[chuckles] I hate dickheads.

Well, it could be severalthings slowing her down, boss.

The wheels, the axle, or the arches.

I'd start again with all of them.

OK, cool, boss.

So, how much do you reckon this is gonna--

495 denarii.

Oh.

Or, could it just be the horse?

Yeah.

To be fair, it could be that.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN FEAT.

MICHAEL PROPHET, "WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] Yeah!

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

METELLA: "Owing to the failureof your legal representative

in court."

Hmm, sorry about that.

"You will hereby be deported in five days

time, unless you are ableto pay a 3,000 denarii fine,

or obtain a work permitfrom a reputable company.

We hope you've enjoyed your stay in Rome,

and please do not come back."

I'm so sorry.

If there's anything I can do, please just say.

Can you pay 3,000 denarii?

No, to be fair, I can't do that.

What about Grandma's inheritance?

That's a few thousand, right?

It was.

It's now about 50.

Right.

And is there a grandpathat could maybe help out?

And by help out, you mean die?

Grandpa will outlive us all.

Mm, great.

Well, look, we'll find away out of this, I promise.

STYLAX: The way I see it,things couldn't be any better.

Right.

How exactly?

The girl I may well love is being deported.

Because I'm racing this Saturday.

She bets her money on me, I romphome, she pays off her fine,

job done. - Sorry.

Racing as in?

Chariots, baby.

On the underground circuit.

Uh-huh, and underground as in?

Tunnels, probably.

No, Grumio, underground as in not that legal.

Oh, perfect!

So, she should bet on me.

My odds would be good because I'm new.

Because you're shit.

A bit of both.

Sorry, what is this?

Carbs, for the race.

I've got to carb up, dude.

Do you?

The horse is the one doing the work.

I egg her on, don't I?

Well, not very well, clearly.

I've never seen Peggy go quicker than a trot.

That's not true.

Do not suggest gambling to the girls, OK?

I'm taking care of it.

All right, fine.

G-man, is this carbs or sand?

It's a sandy carbs.

Keep going, champ. - All right.

No pain, no gain.

Yeah.

Go on, champ.

Huh.

MARCUS: She's dedicated, conscientious.

She works well on her ownand as part of a team.

And she needs a workpermit to avoid deportation.

Pretty much.

Her CV seems to be a list of accents.

Yes, I'm an actor mainly.

That's my acting CV.

Proficient in folk dancing, I see.

I'm a bit rusty, but I'm happy to do

a refresher course if it helps.

It doesn't because this is an office.

Ever worked in one of these?

No, but I'm keen to learn.

And she does have usefulofficey skills, don't you?

Yes, I can do adding, andtaking away, and the other one.

And can you fuck people's husbands?

Um, is that an officey skill?

Not really.

How's that relevant?

Well, just because my bastard husband bastard

has just shacked up with one of her lot.

My lot?

Yes, you know, young, blonde, perky.

[squeaking] - OK.

Well, that's not really her fault.

No, no, I know.

And I don't want to take it out on you, my dear.

But if you stay here much longer,

I may very well stab this peninto your milky white neck.

Right, let's maybe leave it.

[clears throat]

Thank you for the opportunity.

STYLAX: Come on, Peggy.

Yah.

Yah.

What you doing?

Just trying out a new noise.

Yeah!

Ha!

Go on, you bugger.

Go on, get, get. - Stop.

We're confusing her.

Try the carrot.

No, I meant on Peggy, Grumio.

Oh, right, yeah.

STYLAX: Ha!

Ha!

Salve, Grumio.

Horsing about again.

All right, Davus.

How do you get something to run?

Maybe chase it with an axe.

Usually works for me.

Sounds a bit full on.

So, listen, how do youfancy a rotisserie chicken?

Keep talking.

So, Landlord's now living inthis exclusive gated community

slash maximum security prison.

Right.

I wondered where he'd been

And he wants to see you.

Why me?

Well, he values your specific talent.

What's that then?

Being able to fit through a tiny pipe.

I mean I'd do it myself.

But fuck, I could barely get my dick in there.

Right.

Well, I want the chicken upfront then,

so I can eat it in the pipe.

Well, you know, it's the sewage pipe.

Mm, OK, I'll have it after.

Good stuff.

Right, up and at 'em.

Come on, my son.

Uhh.

Ergh. Yelch.

Yeah, push me.

That's it.

Oh, it's dead brown.

DAVUS: Close your mouth maybe.

Uhh.

[gasps for air]

Oi!

Landlord.

Salve, Grumio,

All right, Landlord.

Am I glad to see you?

I don't know. Are you?

Yes, I am.

So, how's prison going then?

Quite secure, unfortunately.

I feel a bit, um, stuck.

You know what I mean?

I do, actually, yeah.

I'll give you a tour, but--

I should probably be getting back.

It's a bit whiffy in here.

Sure.

Well, do me a favor and givethis to Davus, will you?

It's just a little shopping list.

Got ya.

Ta-ra then.

Come and see me anytime.

You know where I am.

It's doing my head.

I just can't get Peggygoing, no matter what I do.

Have you tried whipping her?

What, whip, Peggy?

Yeah, whip her on the bum.

Dig your heels in.

She'll go like the clappers.

I mean, Peggy is a horse, right?

No, she's his new girlfriend.

And you want me to whip her on her bum.

I got confused. I thought--

And dig his heels in.

- I thought she was a horse.- So, that's what you're into?

No.

That's how you make womengo like the clap, is it?

- No, I'm not into that. - Pervert!

- No.- What are you into, Aurelius?

If you're not into that--

Well, if you must know, I'm into big booties.

Really, Water Boy?

Remind me to have the salad for lunch.

Yes, don't worry.

You're perfectly safe.

Water man.

Good to hear.

Don't ever look at my tuchus again.

Copier, I've decided to giveyour perky little pal a job,

and therefore, a work permit.

Oh, brilliant.

That's fantastic!

I've overcome my anger towards my husband

now due to some Celtic breathing techniques.

Those guys can really breathe.

They can indeed, Shredder.

In with peace, out with pain.

Woo.

The job comes with two conditions, however.

Go ahead.

One, she must dress dowdily.

I'll cut a hole in a sack.

And two, by way of recompense, you

must visit my house tonight,gain entry, and then beat

the living shit out my husband.

Sorry, I don't really understand.

It's very simple.

You beaty hubby, she gets a jobby.

Yeah, I'm not going to beaty hubby.

Then no getty jobby, becausethat love rat bastard needs

to bleed hard, and--

And in with peace,

[inhales] And out with pain.

[exhales]

Of course, you could beaty hubby.

Your nails, dude.

Am I though?

I'm really scared of violence.

And wasps.

And crowds.

And we have alreadyblackmailed Flavia's husband.

We thought we'd be adding injury to insult.

We're only going to shit him up a bit.

It's not like we're going to kill the guy.

Not really sure it's worth anyway,

All this faff for a girlwho doesn't even like me.

Of course, she likes you.

I've been hounding her ever since she moved in.

And I've got nowhere.

At least if she's leaving,Metella will go with her.

Oh, don't give up now.

Hey!

If she's leaving, she might finally

have sex with you because shenever has to see you again.

Oh, perfect.

How romantic.

Fuck romantic!

You need to end your sex drought, dude.

End the drought!

Douche me, Ooh.

Hi, is Cynthia in?

No.

She's gone to the botanical gardens

before we return to Britain where we're

being deported because of you.

Yeah, I have said sorry.

Can I take a message?

Sure, tell Cynthia I've tried my best,

but I'm not going anywhere.

I could have told you that.

With the work permitsto keep you guys in Rome.

Uh-huh.

So, I guess that's that then.- Mm.

That's the last time I hear you

lamely knocking at our door.

And the last time I'm disappointed

when it's you that answers it.

Well, It's been an absolute blast.

Are you ready for this to beslammed in your hideous face

one last time?

Actually, no.

Not yet.

You have always tried toget between me and Cynthia,

right from the start for no reason.

Because you two aretotally wrong for each other.

Surely you get that by now?

I tell you what I get, mate.

I get that you are a coldknob, who's always hated me.

And given we're never goingto see each other ever again,

I want to know why.

[moaning]

Because you're such a crap kisser.

And you're a grumpy cow.

Shut up, you whiny prick.

[giggles]

I don't know it just happened.

And with that, the sex drought ends!

I'm so proud!

Thought you like the other one.

Yeah, well, so did I.

I thought you hated this one.

Again, so did I. She'salways so shitty with me.

Exactly, that's because she wants you bad.

This is what I've been saying all along.

You've never said that before.

Have I not?

No, you've not.

I've definitely thought it.

We've agreed to keep it secret for now.

Carry on like we hate each other.

Shouldn't be too difficult.You've had plenty of practice.

Yeah.

But the weird thing is, Ithink I really like Metella.

Well, of course, you do.

You two are well suited.

You're both brainy and frowny.

I mean, it's perfect.

Isn't she being deported?

I'm sure that bit's not ideal.

But still, you've got a coupleof days of rampant humping.

Then you can wipe her down and wave her off.

She can't go.

Not Now I've been chasing thewrong one this whole time.

I need to keep them there.

So, what you gonna do?

I think we've got a hubby to beaty.

OK.

This one's Flavia's house.- Right.

Here's the plan.

Stylax, you pin him down.

Right, pin him with my hands?

Well, not with pins, clearly.

It's just I was thinkingI could do a berserker.

What's that?

You just kind of hulk out and cause mayhem.

Yeah, don't do that.

OK, I have it really as a backup.

Grumio, you're going to create diversion.

Got ya. What's that then?

Anything.

Just, you know, make him look the other way,

so I can smack him about.

Yeah, nice one.

And let me do the talking, OK?

Good luck, everyone.

[claps]

[knocks on door]

Hello, there.

We work with Flavia.

We've come to pick up a folder.

Well, all three of you?

It's a really big folder.

OK, then, come on.

Hey, I know you.

You're the guy who blackmailedme for my chariots.

Oh, yeah.

That was me.

Sorry about that.

No worries.

Actually did me a bit of a favor.

Went and bought a bigger one.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, and that stepped it up a bit of a gear.

Leather trim, metallic paintwork,

those really nasty spiky thingson the wheels for racing.

- Oh, nasty. - Yeah.

- I just entered a race. - Have ya?

Oh, rock on, man.

Bit of a speed demon, hey?

Uh, guys.

Hardly, he can't even get Peggy to run.

What?

She's not responding to the command?

What command?

[chuckles] Guys, Pegasus isa highly trained racing animal.

She's not going to run for you unless you give

her the proper vocal command.

And what is that?

Mooo!

A moo?

[chuckles] Yeah.

I guess she must have been a bitfreaked by cows when she was,

uh--

hey, sorry.

Guys, can I offer you some food?

Oh.

Yes, please.

Got this amazing Ligurianham, It is the business.

And I've got a veryfeisty cheese over there.

That's very kind of you, but we do really

do need to get that folder now.

Go and get it then.

Yeah, we'll have some of that feisty cheese.

Grumio, I mean,

[slaps]

Fucking hell!

What was that?- That's being a dirty love rat.

- You've just slapped me. - Yep.

Stylax.

I can't believe you just slapped me,

you dirty, filthy, bitch.

Well, believe it.

- Get off me. - Oh.

Ahh. - Get off me.

GRUMIO: Hey, look over here.

Moony.

[grunts]

Get out my house.

Right.

Ahhh!

Shitting hell!

My sword.

My sword!

[screams]

We're going!

Come on!

We're leaving now!

We're leaving now!

Twats.

MARCUS: So, all in all,I think it was a success.

Really?

Because my husband's totally unscathed

face and body suggest otherwise.

But we shat him up though I bet.

Not so much, actually.

According to Cornelius,you ate various cold meats.

That was Grumio.

Then one of you bore their bottom.

Also Grumio.

Whilst you took your top off.

Uh, no, I was hulking out.

I was doing the berserker.

And then broke one of my vases.

I did slap him.

Did he mention the slap?

- He did not. - I did slap him.

Oh, he did.

He slapped him good.

So, can Cynthia have the job then?

What do you think?

It's fine.

We just go back to plan A.They bet on me, I win the race.

They pay the three grand.

You and Metella live snarkily ever after.

[smooches]

That is not plan A. There's not

enough letters in the alphabetto give that plan a name.

I know the special noise now.

Sure, you can moo at a horse.

That really fills me with confidence.

What are you doing?

Trust me, and I will win.

I don't think it works like that.

Well, at least admit I can win.

OK.

I admit it's mathematicallypossible for you to win,

Thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

Thanks, babe.

You all right, lads?

Hey.

Hi, Cynthia.

Metella.

All right, Marcus, get anyone deported today,

you ugly bastard?

Not yet, you ginger prick.

CYNTHIA: We're just sellingall the things we can't

take back to Britain with us.

Everything must go, including us.

Well, you never know.

You might be staying.

Right, Marcus?

Uh, yeah.

There's one last option.

You could always bet on him.

Yeah, do that.

Bet on him to do what?

I'm in a chariot race.

That's your plan?

Betting on him?

He can do it.

And will.

Look, I know it's not what we'd want,

but it's all we've got.

How about we throw caution towind and just give it a go?

Britain's a long way away.

So, I'd much prefer to have you next door.

GRUMIO: [SINGSONG] Delivering the shopping,

delivering the shopping, delivering

the shopping to Landlord.

Oh, lovely.

That will work a treat.

So, what's all this stuff for then?

Uh, you know, I'm thinkingof joining the woodwork club.

Yeah, escape the drudgery.

Won't they have tools there?

No.

No, tools in prison, only screws.

[chuckles] That's for whittling.

Oh, so what you going to make then?

I don't know.

I guess maybe a swing.

Oh, yeah, wicked.

The years will fly by if you're on a swing.

That is the idea.

Oh. Hi, Cynth.

Hey.

So, when's this race then?

A couple hours or so.

Stylax is already there.

Geeing himself up.

Right.

Shouldn't he be geeing the horse up?

Yeah, he won't be told.

Well, whatever works, because I think

I'm going to do the betting.

You are?

Wow, that's fantastic.

I'd do anything to stay in Rome.

And I can see how much it meansto you to have us next door.

It really does.

God knows what freaks might move in instead.

Yeah, but it's more thanthat though, isn't it?

Is it?

You've pursued me since the moment I got here.

And sometimes I felt flattered.

And other times, I felt, mm, harassed.

I guess, I'm starting to seewhat might have been only now,

when it's almost too late.

So, how about we do what you said and throw

caution to the wind?

[smooches]

Oh.

Now--

This is what you want, isn't it?

Yeah.

[bells ringing]

Davus?

Davus, I'm finished.

Davus!

[screams]

MAN: Make way!

Ooh!

Hi, out there.

I'm late for a race.

Salve, Grumio.

All right, Landlord, pull us out.

,Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush.

Ooh, help!

Oh, by Jove, he's done the double.

Sex drought all year, and then boom!

Sex flood.

I'm a dirty love rat.

Yeah, I know you are.

I'm sorry credibly proud.

What the hell do I do though?

Uh, will they definitelytell each other?

Pretty sure they will.

Cynthia is also keeping it secret for now,

but that won't last long.

And is it out of the question that they

might be willing to share you?

Share me?

They're more likely to stab me!

Look, I think it's best for all of us,

but mainly me, if the girlsjust got deported after all.

OK.

Good thinking.

Which, of course, theywill if you lose the race.

Oh.

No, no, no, no, bad thinking.

Don't make me throw the race, dude.

You don't have to throw it.

You're not going to win itanyway, we both well know.

All I'm saying is, if by some freak occurrence,

you look like you might win it, just don't, OK?

For me?

[sighs] Fine.

Ah, cool, man.

[horse neighs]

May as well stop lunging then.

Cheers, man.

[crows cawing]

GRUMIO: Right.

Here goes.

Uhhh!

[coughs] Bloody hell.

[cheers and applause]

ANNOUNCER: In the next race, we've

got Castro at nine to four,Attibius at three to one,

and Aidanus at seven to one, andStylax, at one hundred to one.

[music playing]

[SINGING] When did I ever let you down?

When did I ever make you proud?

Now, you will turn me upside down.

Hey.

[clears throat]

I did the betting.

Cool.

On Stylax, right? To win.

Yup.

We'll make over 5,000 denarii if he wins.

The odds on him abrilliant, as in terrible.

Right.

Well then, come on, Stylax.

All right.

Yeah.

Nuts?

Thanks.

Not for me.

[cheers and applause]

ANNOUNCER: 3, 2, 1!

[blow horns]

[horse neighing]

CROWD: Ahh.

Come on, Stylax!

METELLA: Move it, Stylax!

Oh, ohh.

Uh-oh.

Moo!

No! No!

[pegasus neighs] - Grumio.

No, Grumio!

Mooo!

[cheers and applause]

Go on, Stylax!

Yes!

Whoa, Peggy.

Whoa, Peggy.

Yeah, and I can't!

GRUMIO: Moo!

Moo!

Stop mooing!

[inaudible]

Ah, jove.

[cheers and applause]

ANNOUNCER: Final lap.

CYNTHIA: Come on!

Come on, Stylax!

Moo!

Jove!

I don't like it.

I don't like it.

Ooh!

CYNTHIA: Keep on going.

Go on, Stylax!

He's going to do it!

Oh, great!

He's doing it!

[cheers]

Uhh!

[cheers]

Yes!

Fucking did it.

[cynthia cheers]

[mutters] Uhh.

ANNOUNCER: The winner is Stylax!

[retches] Don't like it.

[retches]

You were right about the girls.

They're not going to share you.

Uh-huh.

You were right about race.

It is the horse, not the driver.

Uh-huh.

Which frankly, makesit a stupid bloody sport.

I mean, it's way too fast.

Especially when someone starts mooing.

How were I supposed to knowthat you needed him to lose

because you wanted the girls kicked

out because you done the otherone as well as the other one.

I can't keep up these days.

Yeah.

Neither can I. Hey, how come you're leaving?

I thought you'd won enough to stay.

We're staying in Rome.

We're just getting out of this shit pit.

We don't want to live nextdoor to a squeaky voice,

big-nosed, lying, cheatingbastard, who makes

this face when he orgasms--

I don't do that face.

You do, actually.

That's it then.

There goes the love of my life.

Which one?

Mm, yeah, not sure.

I've really fucked it up this time, haven't I?

Oh, bullshit, man.

You're my hero.

You've had sex with two girls in one week.

You live in the best city in the world.

And you get to hang out with me and G-man.

Things couldn't be any better.

Hey.

Yeah.

Before we hug, can we maybe washoff the blood, shit, and vom?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Come on then, douche me.

[claps]

[dogs bark]

This way, lads.

[dogs barks]

[panting]

[grunts]

[laughter]

Oi.

Not me.[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN FEAT.

VINCENT NAP, "I CAME, I SAW"]

[SINGING] Ah, ah, ah.

Better get ready.

Ah, ah, ah.

Hear me callig.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Got to believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Oh, yeah.

Can I conquer?

I got to conquer.

I need to conquer you, you, you.